#103 – The Amazing Nap

Hojo: “But we’ll score points with the viewers, with the clapping and the laughing and the cheering and the crying and so on and so forth.”

Originally Published: 10/18/01 . 32 pages

Synopsis
Reeve has a dream and he’s on the Amazing Race! Who will win?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I used to love The Amazing Race. I still appreciate the show, but I always get sick of reality shows after a few seasons. There is so much to love in this ramble. If I had to pick favorites I’d have to say the Eiffel tower strip club, Barret using poor Red as a coat, and Shell calling everyone Rude. I also must confess that David Schwimmer was always my favorite on Friends, and he kind of reminds me of Reeve himself.

(reeve is sitting up in bed, half asleep, the tv on. it’s some reality show called the amazing race. his head keeps falling down, but then he snaps awake again, remaining awake a little longer before starting to drift off again. finally, he seems to drift off for good. just as he does, tseng walks in angrily, slamming the door shut behind him)

Tseng: “That’s it! I’ve had it with Rufus! I can’t do this is anymore! I’ll go be a go-go boy or something, because I can’t take it anymore!”

Reeve: *snaps awake sleepily* “Huh? Who’s where what–doing who–what, huh?”

Tseng: *stops where he is and tries to hold in a laugh* “I’m sorry, did I wake you up?”

Reeve: “Huh?” *scratches head*

Tseng: “Never mind, sweetie.” *comes over and kisses his forehead* “You go back to sleep.”

Reeve: “I wasn’t asleep. I was watching this show.”

Tseng: “Uh-huh, sure you were.”

Reeve: *yawning* “Yeah, the amazing race. I was watching it.”

Tseng: “And now you’re taking a nap.”

Reeve: “And now I’m taking a…nap…”

(and with that he drifts off to sleep. and guess *what*? we get his dream! we begin with a title screen that says ‘the amazing race’, and we have a voiceover–it’s david schwimmer…uh, okay reeve, i think *someone* has a crush…anyway…)

David Schwimmer: *voiceover* “Hi, and welcome to the first episode of the Amazing Race, I’m David Schwimmer, your host, and let’s meet our teams!”

(we see a picture of tseng and reeve back to back, arms crossed. everyone is pictured like this.)

David Schwimmer: *voiceover* “Reeve and Tseng, life partners who say they’re definitely up to the challenge of racing around the globe. Reeve is fluent in a variety of languages, and Tseng says they’ll do whatever it takes to win the million.”

(next we see lark and shell)

David Schwimmer: *voiceover* “Lark and Shell, sisters who really could use the million dollars. Especially Shell. Shell says they have a secret weapon in mind to win.”

(next we have laguna and…scarlet??)

David Schwimmer: *voiceover* “Laguna and Scarlet, two adults who make no sense being paired up with one another. Laguna is President of Esthar, and Scarlet is a prostitute who says she knows just what needs to be done to win.”

(next is barret and cid…barret is wearing red across his shoulders as a coat)

David Schwimmer: “Barret and Cid, best friends who say nothing will get in their way of winning. Barret says their secret to winning is in his lucky coat slash hat.”

(next is twilight and opal)

David Schwimmer: “Twilight and Opal, two people dating and in love. Opal stresses that she won’t let the competition get in the way of her being nice to others. Twilight says he hopes reading isn’t an important part of winning.”

(next is zell and rufus. rufus is frowning)

David Schwimmer: “Zell and Rufus, a divorced couple who hooked back up for the sake of the contest. Zell says he’s ready to kick some ass. Rufus says he isn’t gay.”

(next is tifa and cloud)

David Schwimmer: “Tifa and Cloud have been friends since they were kids. Tifa says they have a lot of motivation. Cloud didn’t even know where he was to begin with.”

(next is heidegger and stinky)

David Schwimmer: “Next is Heidegger and Stinky, his pet skunk, a pair that shouldn’t be legal, but is. I should also point out that I’m not the real host of this show, but Reeve must have a thing for me because he tapes Friends every week.”

(Ashley and seifer are next)

David Schwimmer: “Ashley and Seifer are another couple who are dating. Seifer says there’s not a map he can’t read. Ashley says she’s going to be smacking him a lot.”

(next are hojo and sephiroth. seph is grimacing and trying to put space between them)

David Schwimmer: “Next are Hojo and Sephiroth, a father/son team. Hojo also claims to have a secret weapon. Sephiroth says, ‘I hate you, Reeve’.”

(finally, reno and irvine)

David Schwimmer: “Reno and Irvine are best friends who have nearly everything in common. They say their secret weapon is their natural ‘coolness’.”

(a flash of the pics of all the teams)

David Schwimmer: “After tonight, one of these teams, will be eliminated. In this race around the globe, the teams must race to make it to the next checkpoint as soon as possible, performing various tasks along the way. The last team to the checkpoint is eliminated. We begin in New York City.”

(we see the teams standing before david schwimmer at the beginning of the race.)

David Schwimmer: “Hi, teams!”

Reeve: *hot flashes* “Hi, David Schwimmer.” *dreamy sigh*

Tseng: *narrows eyes* “Stop it with the fantasy, Reeve, or I’ll gonna start with my own.”

Zell: *earnestly* “Rufus, I’m hoping after this we can get back together. That million dollars will be really helpful in getting you that operation.”

Rufus: “What operation?”

Zell: “You know, so you can have children?”

Rufus: “What the *&%^ are you talking about? When we win, I’m taking all the money, and building a beach condo.”

Zell: “Aw! How sweet!” *hugs him*

Rufus: *stiffens* “It’s not for YOU!”

Opal: “You better stick to the rules, Twilight.”

Twilight: “I never saw any rules.”

Opal: “I read them aloud to you.” *pause* “And I believe rule number 7 was no stealing from David Schwimmer.”

Twilight: *pulling the wallet out of david schwimmer’s pocket* “What? Reeve’s doing it!”

Opal: “Reeve’s doing something else.”

Tseng: *angrily* “Reeve’s gonna get his ass kicked!” *smacks his arm*

Shell: “Rude, go buy me a cappuccino.”

Lark: *annoyed* “For the *third* time, Shell, I’m *not* Rude!”

Shell: “Oh.” *pause* “Go get me one anyway.”

Lark: “No! We’ll miss the beginning of the race!”

Shell: “David Schwimmer, go get me a cappuccino.”

David Schwimmer: “But I have to start the race!”

Shell: “I SAID go get me a cappuccino!”

David Schwimmer: “But I–” *sigh* “Yes, Shell.” *mutters* “I’ll be right back.”

(he trudges away and reeve frowns and grumbles in disappointment)

Tseng: *eyes narrow* “Too bad it’s not Justin from N*Sync! Then *I* could be falling all over him.”

Reeve: *at attention* “Wait *what* now?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Stinky! You be careful on all your adventures!”

Stinky: *snorts and licks heidegger’s hand*

Heidegger: “Don’t end up like Barret’s coat! Gya haa haa!”

Red: “I am still alive!”

Barret: “Yo! Shu’ up, mink coat! Don’t be lettin’ David Schwimmer hearin’ yo’ mouth flappin like ‘at!”

Cid: “$#%#^%%$&@&!&^ #%^@#&%@!”

Barret: “Yeah, yo! You listen to Cid!”

Red: “…I’d rather not.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! This should be fun!”

Scarlet: “Just let me handle everything.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! But what about the girls?”

Scarlet: “I’ll handle the girls too.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Scarlet does a lot of handling!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, Heidegger!”

Reno: “I’m sure we’ll see lots of hot chicks on this trip, Irvine.”

Irvine: “Yup! Foreign chicks love southern accents!”

Reno: “How the hell do you know that man, when you ain’t never been to no foreign country?”

Irvine: “I’ve seen the pornos, man.”

Reno: “That works for me, man!” *high five*

Ashley: “Maybe this race will help you work off that paunch, Seifer!”

Seifer: “Hey, this is muscle! I’ve been jazzercising all week for you!”

Ashley: “That’s what scares me…”

Tifa: “I hope we can find some alcohol soon, Cloud. You can’t even remember your own name.”

Cloud: “I like Zack…”

Tifa: *hand to her head* “Deep breaths, dear… Deep DEEP breaths…”

Hojo: “I bought you this t-shirt, son.” *hands seph a t-shirt that says ‘my father loves me ‘berry’ much*

Sephiroth: *blinks* “No you don’t, you bastard.” *shoves it back in his hands*

Hojo: “But we’ll score points with the viewers, with the clapping and the laughing and the cheering and the crying and so on and so forth.”

Sephiroth: *says something I can’t write*

Tseng: “This fanny pack is dorky, Reeve.”

Reeve: “No complaining. You’ll be glad when you have that Purell later.” *pause* “David *Schwimmer* likes the fanny pack.”

Tseng: “Well David *SCHWIMMER* can just go f–“

David Schwimmer: *walking by* “Hey, Reeve, nice fanny… pack.” *wink*

Reeve: *sputters like a dork* “Heh…thanks…David Schwimmer…”

Tseng: *cursing colorfully under his breath*

David Schwimmer: *gives shell her cappuccino* “Here you are, Shell.”

Shell: “About damn time, Rude!”

David Schwimmer: “But I’m not…never mind.” *sigh* “Is everyone ready to start?”

Everyone: “Yeah!”

Reeve: “We sure are, David Schwimmer.” *blush*

Tseng: *grinds teeth*

David Schwimmer: “Your first clue will be at the airport. Head there and your destination will be clear. You can leave when I’m down counting down from ten.”

Twilight: “Damn! We’ll never know!”

David Schwimmer: “10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1–GO!!!”

(everyone takes off like nuts, tifa is dragging cloud. shell is going slow, and lark is trying to get her to move quicker)

Lark: “Move your Abercrombie clad ass, Shell! We’re trailing behind already!”

Shell: “I don’t want to spill my cappuccino!”

Lark: *knocks it out of her hand* “Problem solved.” *starts dragging her along*

Twilight: *pushing cloud down* “Out of my way, losers!”

Opal: “That’s not nice, Twilight!”

Twilight: “Eh, Cloud doesn’t matter.”

Zell: “Run, my sweet!”

Rufus: “We’re divorced for a reason, Zell!”

Zell: “Why are you running so far from me?”

Rufus: “I’m trying to get the hell away from you!”

Reeve: *out of breath already* “Tseng….carry….me….”

Tseng: *snorts* “Yeah, my ass. Why don’t you get David *Schwimmer* to carry you?”

Reeve: “Because he’s the host!”

Tseng: *dragging him by the hand* “Come on…”

Heidegger: *puts stinky down on roller skates* “Stinky! Gya haa haa! Roller skate attack!”

Stinky: *roller skates forward and knocks down cloud*

Tifa: “Aw, dammit! Come on!”

Cloud: “I hit the floor…”

Laguna: “Hey hey! You’re not moving very fast, Scarlet.”

Scarlet: *shrugs* “Eh. No worries.”

Hojo: “Son! Wait for your father!!”

Sephiroth: *running even faster* “Why couldn’t I have gotten stuck with Vincent?!?!?!”

Ashley: “That jazzercising isn’t paying off, Seifer!”

Seifer: “Damn! I knew I should have stuck with ‘Funky Freestyle’!”

(they all manage to make it to the airport.)

Opal: “Where’s the yellow and white flag?”

Twilight: “Whoo hoo! Now colors I got *down*! It’s over there!” *points*

(everyone runs over and rips open their envelopes)

Lark: *reads clue aloud* “Head to the capitol of the place where you would be greeted with ‘Bonjour’!”

Twilight: “Damn! They’re trying to trick us already!”

Opal: “It’s Paris, Twilight.”

Reeve: “How convenient! I speak fluent French!”

(everyone makes a break for the ticket counter.)

Lark: “I NEED TWO TICKETS TO PARIS!!”

Tseng: “ME TOO!!”

Twilight: “MAKE WAY FOR TWILIGHT!”

Reno: “Yo! Hook me up too!”

Heidegger: “Stinky! Bite attack! Gya haa haa!”

Hojo: “Ow!”

Clerk: “I only have 20 tickets left.”

Everyone but Twilight: “Oh no!”

Twilight: “What?! What?! What don’t I get?”

Tseng: “Well we’re getting our tickets first!”

(everyone starts pushing and shoving, except lark and shell)

Lark: “Shell! Why are you standing back here?! Help me push through the crowd so we can get the tickets!”

Shell: “We don’t need tickets. I have a better idea.”

Lark: *blink blink* “Uh-oh.”

Shell: “Come on.”

(she grabs lark by the wrist and drags her over to the gate. meanwhile the other groups manage to get their tickets and they take off towards the gate.)

Shell: “Okay, big sis. This is the part where you earn your part of the million.”

Lark: *blink blink* “What the hell are you talking about?”

Shell: “You’re not wearin’ that halter top for nothin’! Now go flirt with that attendant and get us on the plane!”

Lark: “Shell! That’s dishonest! Degrading! Devious! Deceitful!” *pause* “I love it!”

(sticking out her chest a bit, lark goes over to the attendant guy and grins)

Lark: “Hi there.”

Guy: “Hi.” *looks at her*

Lark: “My sister and I seem to have lost our tickets.” *pouty face* “Now how are we ever gonna become super models?”

Guy: *eyes widen* “Super models?”

Lark: “Yeah.” *sigh* “We’re going to Paris to get our contracts signed.”

Guy: “Uh….you know what, ladies? I think two seats just opened up in first class.”

Shell: *eyes light up* “Really?!”

Guy: “Yeah! Come on in!”

(he goes in. shell grins at lark)

Shell: “You did good, Lark. You did good.”

Lark: “You planning to do this the whole trip?”

Shell: “Damn straight!”

(they high five and disappear into the plane. meanwhile, the others come over.)

Irvine: “Oh man! What’s this now? We gotta wait?!”

Barret: “Yo! Yo! They wanted me ta check my coat! I tole ’em ain’t no way!”

Cid: “$%@#$^@#&^@#& @#$@#^@# ^@#&^@!”

Red: “I am not going to help you.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Stinky! Soon we’ll be eating plane food!”

Stinky: *happy snort*

Ashley: “Seifer! Where did you get that map of Paris?”

Seifer: “Twilight was selling them for five bucks.”

Ashley: *smacks him upside the head* “You freakin’ baka! That’s not Paris! That’s New York City! He just crossed that out and spelled Paris at the top! And he spelled it WRONG I might add!”

Seifer: “Oh! Now this makes sense! For a second there I was questioning the authenticity of the Statue of Liberty.”

Ashley: “You don’t even know what ‘authenticity’ *means*, Seifer.”

Seifer: *hangs head* “I heard it on the Home Shopping Channel.”

Tifa: “Don’t worry, Cloud. You just stay next to me, and you’ll be fine. *turns next to her but no cloud* “Cloud?!”

(she looks over and sees him talking to a garbage can)

Tifa: “Cloud!”

Cloud: *to garbage can* “Have you seen Zack?”

Tifa: “Cloud!” *runs over and drags him back*

Zell: “Wow! Paris! This is gonna be great! I can get some French fries!”

Rufus: “Yeah.” *rolls eyes*

Zell: *snuggles up to him* “Plus, it’ll be so romantic.”

Rufus: “You try *anything* and you’ll be permanently singing soprano!”

Zell: *frowns* “Come on. You know I don’t like it rough.”

Rufus: *turning red* “Grrrrr…”

Reeve: *totally restless and whiny* “Come o~on~ When’s the plane gonna leave? When we gonna go?”

Tseng: *annoyed sigh* “I don’t *know*, Reeve. Why don’t you whine to David SCHWIMMER?”

Reeve: *whines* “He’s not here.”

Hojo: “Now, son. I only brought this for emergency use, but just so you know…”

(he holds up his ‘carry on’ bag and opens it a little, letting seph peek inside. he does, for a moment, before looking disgusted and backing away)

Sephiroth: “Ugh! That ain’t right!”

Hojo: “What?” *looks in bag and makes a disgusted face* “Ugh… I must have miscalculated.”

Sephiroth: “You sick freak! Stay away from me.”

(the guy comes back out.)

Guy: “Okay, nice and orderly now. Let me have your tickets.”

(everyone rushes in at once, and the poor guy just watches in wide eyed horror)

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(we see the plane landing and david schwimmer’s voiceover.)

David Schwimmer: “Now that they’ve arrived in Paris, the teams must now figure out the next clue, which will lead them to Paris’ most famous landmark….the Eiffel tower.”

(we see the plane landing. lark and shell are off first)

Shell: *content sigh* “They don’t call it first class for nothin’!”

Lark: “Okay, Shell, come on. We gotta find the yellow and white fl–“

(the others emerge from behind them. twilight points out the flag)

Twilight: *yells* “There it is!”

(everyone runs over to it like a pack of stampeding buffaloes. they grab the envelopes and tear them open.)

Irvine: “Okay, buddy. The clue is: Go to Paris’ most famous landmark.”

Seifer: “Oh man! But the Statue of Liberty is just where we came from!”

Ashley: *smacks him* “They mean the Eiffel Tower, you dumbass! Don’t you know what ‘landmark’ means either?!”

Seifer: *rubs arm* “Ow! Stop hitting me!”

Reeve: “These clues are undermining our intelligence.”

Tseng: “Not everyone’s a genius, Reeve.” *points to where cloud is staring at his reflection in a window*

Cloud: “Oohhh….”

Tifa: “Cloud!” *goes over and starts dragging him*

Laguna: “Hey hey, Scarlet! Shouldn’t we get moving?”

Scarlet: *shrugs and smokes her cigarette* “Eh. We don’t have to rush.”

Heidegger: “Gya  haa haa! Scarlet’s a skank!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, Heidegger!”

Barret: “Yo! Why we standin’ round here for? Let’s bust a move!”

Red: “Oh, please help me.”

Zell: “Let’s rock and roll!”

Rufus: “Help me first.”

(and then everyone runs off again, out of the airport where they have to flag down taxis)

Shell: *watching lark trying to hail a cab* “Show more leg!”

Lark: “I’m trying!” *she does and a cab pulls right up* “Whoo hoo!”

Shell: “Way to go, skank!”

(they get in and drive off)

Hojo: “Son! Use violence and get us a cab!”

Sephiroth: *shrug* “Okay.”

(he shoves cloud and tifa out of the way and gets their cab)

Tifa: “Hey! That’s not fair!”

Sephiroth: “What’s not fair is that I’m stuck with Hojo–REEVE!” *glares at reeve*

Reeve: *getting into a cab* “What?”

Tseng: *pulls him in* “Now’s no time to space out, Reeve.”

(their cab pulls off. seph and hojo get in theirs. everyone else manages to get one and pulls away except tifa and cloud, heidegger and stinky, scarlet and laguna and Ashley and seifer.)

Ashley: “You suck at this, Seifer! Stinky can hail a cab better than you!” *points to where stinky is standing on heidegger’s shoulder trying to hail a cab*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! No one will take a skunk!”

Seifer: “Well maybe he has experience!”

Scarlet: *still smoking*

Laguna: “Hey hey!” *sweat drop* “Shouldn’t we be trying at least?”

Scarlet: “Relax. We’ll get one.”

Tifa: “Cloud!?” *looks around* “Cloud, where–” *spots him walking into the street* “Cloud! No!”

(a cab comes to a screeching halt right in front of cloud. he just blinks and stares at it)

Tifa: “Cloud! You got us a cab!”

(she runs over and hugs him before dragging him into the cab, they take off. Ashley glares at seifer)

Ashley: *Cloud* got a cab.”

Seifer: “Well maybe he has experience!”

………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile…the taxi with reeve and tseng in it is the first to pull up to the tower)

Reeve: *grinning as he pays the driver* “Good thing I speak fluent French, huh, Tseng? I bet none of the other teams do! And they’ll have no idea what to do, and we can use my knowledge of fluent French to make us win! Isn’t that great?”

Tseng: *gives him a shove* “Would you move it, Reeve? Sephiroth speaks fluent French and Lark speaks fluent skank so I’m sure they’ll be right behind us.”

(they get out of the cab and run to the yellow flag where david schwimmer stands, leaning against a railing)

David Schwimmer: “Oh, hi there!”

Reeve: *dreamy sigh* “Hi, David Schwimmer.”

Tseng: *grinds teeth*

David Schwimmer: “You guys are the first ones here!”

Reeve: “Oh yeah?!” *stars in his eyes*

David Schwimmer: *quietly* “You know, Reeve… If you’re not doing anything after this race, maybe we could–“

Tseng: *shoving reeve aside* “He is doing something after this race, pal–me. And aren’t you straight?”

David Schwimmer: *shrugs* “It’s Reeve’s dream.”

Tseng: *turns to reeve hands on hips* “You have a crush on David Schwimmer?!”

Reeve: *shrugs* “He’s cute in a dorkish and endearing way.”

Tseng: “Reeve–look in the mirror–you’re dorkish and endearing.” *grabs the envelope* “Now let’s see here…” *reads* “It’s a road block. One of us has to do it.”

Reeve: “What’s the clue?”

Tseng: “‘Hope you like to climb stairs’.”

Reeve: “I’ll do it.” *smiles at david schwimmer*

Tseng: “No, I think I’d better do it.”

Reeve: “No, I’ll do it.” *still smiling at david schwimmer*

Tseng: “Reeve, I really think I’d better do it. You get winded in five seconds.”

Reeve: “I can handle it.” *still smiling*

Tseng: *annoyed* “You just want to show off for David Schwimmer!”

Reeve: “Just give me the envelope.” *opens and reads it* “…I have to climb the Eiffel tower steps.”

Tseng: “Oh great, here comes last place.”

Reeve: “I can do it.” *determined* “Just watch me!” *he starts up*

Tseng: *mutters* “I could have gone up and down without get winded.” *snaps at david schwimmer* “What are you staring at?!”

(then the car with lark and shell pulls up and they get out quickly)

Lark: “Wow, Shell! This is really working! We didn’t even have to pay cab fare!”

Shell: “Hurry up–I don’t want Twilight to beat us. Talk about the ultimate humiliation.”

(they run and start on their road block. lark, of course, ends up running to the top. then the cars with twilight and opal, barret and the gang, and rufus and zell pull up. they all come tumbling out and scramble to get to the flag first)

Cid: “#%#^#$& $&$#&#$*&#$ #$&#$&!”

Barret: “Yo, man! I can’t be forgettin’ my coat! It just call out ta me if it gets left behind!”

Red: “Don’t count on it.”

Twilight: “Numbers, letters, foreign languages! How much harder can this get?” *rips open the envelope* “Aw, *walking*!” *shoves into opal’s hands* “You do it. My knee…uh…hurts.”

Opal: “Maybe that’s from kicking the driver’s seat in the taxi, Twilight.”

Twilight: *laughs fondly* “Yeah, that was fun.”

(opal starts up. barret is reading the envelope)

Barret: “Yo, we can send the coat on dis here walk.”

Red: “I am supposed to be inanimate.”

Barret: “Yo, ain’t no one gonna notice.”

Red: “They will notice that you aren’t wearing me.”

Cid: “@$#%#%^#@%& #^#@%&^ @#%^@#^!”

Barret: “Cid’s right, yo! Just go before someone notices you, beaver skin! Or you ain’t gettin’ no cat foot with our here million!”

Red: *mumbles as he starts off* “This is breaking every conceivable rule…”

Zell: *rips open the envelope* “I’ll do the road block, honey.”

Rufus: “Yeah, whatever. And stop calling me that!”

Zell: “Okay, this looks easy. Kiss me for luck.” *goes to kiss rufus*

Rufus: *jumps back* “How about I don’t smack you instead? Now go!”

Zell: “Fine, play hard to get.” *he takes off*

(the car with tifa and cloud pulls up. tifa pays the driver and drags cloud out of the car. she then drags him over the flag and rips open the envelope.)

Tifa: “Cloud, you’ll do the road block.”

Cloud: “I want a flower.”

Tifa: *half listening* “Yeah, uh huh, …let’s see here…”

Cloud: “Aeris gave me a flower.”

Tifa: *mumbling to herself* “Run to the top and look through a telescope to find the other yellow and white flag at the top of another Paris landmark.”

Cloud: *pulls on her shirt* “Tifa, Aeris gave me a flower.”

Tifa: *still to herself* “Oh, okay, this doesn’t look bad.”

Cloud: *screeches* “TIFA!”

Tifa: *snaps* “Oh would you shut up about Aeris the freakin’ floozy! She’s dead, okay? DEAD! Gone! Passed on! Six feet under! She can’t give you a damn flower! So shut the hell up and let me think a minute!”

Cloud: *stares a moment before his chin starts to tremble*

Tifa: *hand to her head* “Oh, crap.”

Cloud: *starts sobbing*

Tifa: “Cloud…” *lightbulb* “Ooh! Cloud! You know what?”

Cloud: *sniff sniff*

Tifa: “Aeris might be at the top of that tower!”

Cloud: *looks up*

Tifa: “Yeah! All you have to do, is run up there, and look through a telescope to see if you see a yellow and white thing! That’s her new skanky outfit! So run up there and find it, okay, Cloud? And she’ll give you a flower!”

Cloud: *eyes light up* “Okay!” *he runs off*

Tifa: *mutters* “I should have paired up with Yuffie.”

………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back at the airport….Ashley and seifer are sitting on the curb, looking dismayed. the whole place is deserted, except for heidegger and stinky, who are still trying)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Last place!”

Stinky: *snort*

Ashley: “This is ridiculous, Seifer! We look like idiots!”

Seifer: “It’s not my fault no cab would pick us up!”

Ashley: “Yes it is! You refused to pay the fare!”

Seifer: “It’s too expensive! We should just walk!”

Ashley: “It’s too *far* to walk! Now we’re stuck here with the rejects!”

(a cab finally stops for heidegger and stinky)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Don’t spray this one, Stinky!”

(they get into the taxi and Ashley watches in shock as it pulls away)

Ashley: *turns red with anger*

Seifer: *laughs* “Can you believe that guy picked up a skunk in his cab? Some people will do anything for money.”

Ashley: *explodes* “Like YOU not wanting us to take a CAB because YOU want to save 5 bucks!”

Seifer: *blink blink* “….Yeah, I guess like that.”

Ashley: “That’s IT! *WE* are getting a cab!”

(she grabs him and starts dragging him along)

Seifer: “Wait…are you paying for it?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in the middle of nowhere…seph is stuck in a cab with hojo. or actually, outside the cab, with hojo. the cab has broken down. the driver is leaning against it, smoking. hojo stands off a bit with a giant oversized compass, and sephiroth is stalking back over to him.)

Hojo: “I believe I have located North.”

(sephiroth glares and knocks the device out of his hands. it smashes to the ground and smoke comes out of it. hojo just blinks down at it)

Hojo: “Or I had it anyway.”

Sephiroth: “We are STUCK out here! The car is broken, help is hours away, and we’re probably in last place already, and worse, I’m stuck with YOU, thank you Reeve.”

Hojo: “Now, now, son. Let’s try and make the best of it.” *tries to put an arm around him*

Sephiroth: “Don’t touch me!”

(he reaches out and smacks hojo across the back of the head. the old man falls into the dirt where he is rendered unconscious)

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “….Freaky man?” *pokes him with his foot but gets nothing* “….Look, it’s Kuja!” *still nothing* “Wearing nothing but a speedo!” *still nothing* “Wearing nothing at all!” *nothing* “………” *shrugs* “Fine then. I’ll get the million dollars by myself.”

(and he starts walking.)

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the Eiffel tower…)

Reeve: *halfway up the stairs* “Huff… puff… why….. does…. this…. building…. have…. to…. be…. so…. big….?” *pant pant*

(he rests for a minute as lark, opal, cloud and zell speed past him in a blur.)

Reeve: *blink blink* “Oh….crap.”

Tseng: *calling from below* “Reeve! You can do it! Come on!” *pauses and sighs* “If we get eliminated, you can’t see David Schwimmer again!”

Reeve: *brightens* “He’s right!” *takes off running again*

(now, at the top…)

Cloud: “Aeris?!”

Zell: *squinting as he looks over the railing* “Hi, Rufus, my love!”

Rufus: *yells up* “Don’t make me come up there and hurt you!!”

Lark: *examining a telescope* “…I need French money now?” *sigh* “Aw, f*** it. I watch the show. I know it’s the Arc de Triumph.” *she takes off again*

Cloud: *wandering* “…Aeris?”

Reeve: *reaching the top* “At last!” *peers over the edge* “Oh yeah… Look at that! The Arc! Of course!” *starts running back down* “Ts~seng! I know where we have to go!”

(meanwhile, at the bottom…)

Lark: *looks around* “Where’s Shell?”

David Schwimmer: “She went shopping in that boutique over there.”

Lark: “WHAT?! Oh, man! Now is *not* the time!” *she runs over there*

Reeve: *makes it down* “Tseng!” *pant pant* “It’s…. the…” *pant*

Tseng: “The what! The what?!”

Reeve: “The arc!”

Tseng: “All right! Let’s go!”

(a cab with heidegger and stinky pulls up.)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Fast attack, Stinky!”

(they run over to the flag, and heidegger pulls out the envelope)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Road block! Your turn to shine, Stinky! Gya haa haa!”

Stinky: *snort*

Heidegger: “Run, Stinky! Gya haa haa!”

(stinky runs up)

Barret: “Yo! Where be our coat?”

Red: *resting just inside the entrance* “The joke is on them. Heh.” *pleased smile*

Cid: “#@$^$% @#%&$ @$#^@$#%&@$%& @#%^@$#%& #^@#^@^$ #$%^!!!!!!”

Red: *eyes widen* “…Oh dear. Perhaps… I should get moving.”

(he goes to start running, but stinky tries to get in his way)

Red: “Do not try to pass me, skunk.”

Stinky: *bites red*

Red: “Ow! You $%^#@#* skunk!” *puts a paw over his mouth* “Oh dear. I have been hanging around bad influences far too long.”

(he takes off after stinky up the steps. meanwhile, zell comes back down.)

Zell: “Rufus! I know where we have to go!”

Rufus: “I’m glad you’re good for something, Zell.”

Zell: “I’m good for lots of things.”

Rufus: “No, you’re not.”

Zell: “That’s not what you said when you married me.”

Rufus: “I didn’t marry you!” *rubs temples* “Let’s get a cab…”

Zell: “Hey, I wonder where Irvine and Reno went…”

(flash to some paris strip joint where reno and irvine sit, yelling at the dancers)

Reno: “This rocks!”

Irvine: “Yeah, man!” *pause* “But what about the others?”

Reno: “Come on, man. This is the Eiffel Tower strip club! They gotta be here soon!”

Irvine: “Cool!” *they high five*

(back to the real tower…)

Rufus: *shrugs* “Who cares?”

(they leave just as a cab with Ashley and seifer pulls up, and opal comes back down from the tower)

Ashley: “Whatever we have to do *you’re* doing it, Seifer!”

Seifer: “Aw, but why?”

Ashley: *smacks him* “You *know* why!”

Twilight: “Did you find, it? Huh? Did you?”

Opal: “Yes, Twilight. It’s the Arc….thingy.”

Twilight: “Arc thingy! Good! We’re gonna kick everyone’s ass! Reading or no reading! Come on!” *drags her off*

(cloud comes down at long last, scratching his head)

Tifa: “Cloud! Did you find it!”

Cloud: “Aeris…?”

Tifa: “Yes! The yellow and white Aeris! Where??”

Cloud: *looks confused* “…Arc…? Aeris?”

Tifa: “Works for me.” *drags him off*

(stinky and red come back down, and glare at one another before going their separate ways)

Red: *mutters* “Nasty skunk.”

Barret: “Yo! Coat hanger! Did ya find that there landmark?”

Red: “Yes.” *sigh* “It is the Arc d’ Triumph.”

Cid: “#^@$%&$#^&# ^@$%^$@%& $#%&#$!”

Barret: “Damn straight, yo! Now get back on my shoulders, dead coat! We gotta get goin!”

Red: *sigh* “Soon it will be over…”

(he does so and they take off. meanwhile, stinky is trying to act out the shape of an arch with his stubby little arms)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Stinky! I know what you’re talking about! Escape attack!”

(they run off. meanwhile, seifer is running up the tower)

Ashley: *yells up to him* “Run, Seifer! Run like the big, stupid, idiotic, dumb, brain dead, lazy, ugly, lying, moronic, fat, hideous, impotent piece of crap you are, you big jerk!”

David Schwimmer: *looks at her in shock*

Ashley: “…What? Do you beg to differ?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanwhile, lark’s trying to get shell out of the shop…)

Lark: “Shell! We’re losing time! Come on!”

Shell: “Ooh…but this is cashmere!” *examines sweater*

Lark: “Shell!”

Shell: “When I say it’s time for shopping, it’s time for shopping, Rude.”

Lark: “I’m not Rude!”

Shell: “Oh right. Lark.” *pause* “Why don’t you flash the sales guy and maybe he’ll give us a sale price on this.”

Lark: “That’s it, we’re going.”

(and she drags her out. meanwhile, at the finish line, reeve and tseng run madly across the street through the traffic over to the checkpoint, where cait sith stands. off to his side stand scarlet and laguna?!)

Reeve: *as they step on the square* “….Are….we….first?”

Cait Sith: “Welcome to Paris! You’re second, you big stupid jerk! Haha! Scarlet slept with the producer! They’re automatically going to win!”

Scarlet: *smoking cigarette while laguna waves weakly* “I planned ahead.”

Tseng: *throws down his map in frustration* “#$^&@#&% #$&&#$!”

Reeve: *chin trembles* “But… I speak fluent French…”

Cait Sith: “No one cares, dork! Now get the hell off the square so better teams can check in!”

Reeve: *hangs head* “Oh….”

Tseng: *pats him on the back* “It’s okay, Reeve.”

(next to come, are zell and rufus, who run up hand in hand–something which is obviously against rufus’ will)

Rufus: *trying to free himself* “Let go of me!”

Zell: *ignoring him* “What number are we?”

Cait Sith: “Three.”

Zell: “Awesome! Did you hear that Rufus?!” *kisses rufus*

Rufus: *shoves him away* “ACK! That’s it! Stay away from me!” *stomps off*

Zell: *following* “But poofy-kins…”

(next are, surprisingly, tifa and cloud)

Cait Sith: “Welcome to Paris. You are team number four.”

Tifa: “Hooray! Great job, Cloud!”

Cloud: “….Aeris?”

Tifa: “Uh…” *sweat drop* “You know, I think we just missed her. Maybe she’ll be at the next checkpoint.” *drags him off*

(next are twilight and opal, who jump on the square triumphantly)

Twilight: “Whoo hoo! First place! Take THAT you literate people!”

Opal: *blink blink* “Actually, Twilight… We’re fifth.”

Twilight: “Fifth?! The Great Twilight cannot be fifth! We were first! And we did it without reading!”

Opal: “I did the reading, Twilight.”

Twilight: *pouts* “Well…I did it without reading.”

Opal: “Come on, Twilight.” *drags him off*

(next to arrive are heidegger and stinky)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Triumph!”

Cait Sith: “…You are team number six… …And your partner is not human.”

Stinky: *snort*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! No more human than you are, you hunk of junk! Gya haa haa!”

Reeve: “Leave Cait Sith alone!”

Cait Sith: “I don’t need morons to stick up for me, Reeve.”

Reeve: *hangs head* “I was just trying to be nice…”

(barret and cid come running up. barret is trying to keep red on his shoulders)

Barret: “Yo! What number we be, robot?”

Cait Sith: “Seven.”

Cid: “%#^@^$ $#^$@%^&$ @%$^@$%^$ @#$^!”

Cait Sith: “…You can’t curse like that on network tv.”

Cid: “#$^$@#^$#^& $@%^&#$^&$#&^#!”

Cait Sith: “It’s not my rule!”

Red: *sigh* “Can I be let down now?”

Cait Sith: “….Did your *coat* just talk?”

Barret: “No! You be seein’ things, you stupid robot! Better get yo’ circuits in order!” *smacks red* “I ain’t carryin’ nothin’ livin’!”

Reeve: “Cait Sith’s circuits are fine!”

Cait Sith: “Hey, jerk face! I already said shut up!”

Reeve: *wipes away tear*

(lark and shell come running up. actually, lark is pretty much dragging shell.)

Lark: “What number?!? What number?!”

Cait Sith: “Eight.”

Lark: “Dammit! Dammit! Dammit, Cait Sith!”

Cait Sith: “It’s not my fault you’re slow!”

Lark: “Shell wanted to shop!”

Shell: “I still do.”

Lark: “Over my dead body!” *drags her off*

(in the background we see Ashley and seifer running up)

Ashley: “Move it, Seifer!!! If we’re last I’m gonna kill you!”

Seifer: “I’m moving! My legs hurt from all those stairs!”

Ashley: “Well suck it up, you big lug!”

Seifer: *sniff* “Your words hurt.”

(they step on the square)

Cait Sith: “You’re number nine.”

Ashley: “Are we in?”

Cait Sith: “Barely.”

Seifer: “See? Barely. And we’re not even last.”

Ashley: *storms off*

Seifer: “What?!” *follows*

(and then there’s nothing.)

Zell: “Where are Irvine and Reno?”

Lark: “And Sephiroth and Hojo?”

Reeve: “And David Schwimmer?” *gets poked by tseng* “Ow.”

Cait Sith: “We’ll just have to wait.”

(a few hours later…. everyone is looking pretty tired. at long last, a grinning reno and irvine come up.)

Irvine: “We have arrived!”

Reno: “Oh yeah!” *high five*

Cait Sith: “You’re number ten.”

Both: “Kick ass!” *high five*

Zell: “Where the heck were you guys?”

Irvine: “Uh…”

Reno: “We got lost.”

Zell: “Where?”

Irvine: “What is this, twenty questions, man?”

Lark: “Look, here comes Sephiroth!”

Tseng: “Where’s Hojo?”

(sephiroth comes over. he looks beat up and a little bloody. his shoulders are slumped as he plods over, shoves irvine and reno out of the way and stands on the square)

Cait Sith: “….Where’s your partner?”

Sephiroth: “I dunno. Dead. Dying. Doesn’t matter. What’s my number?”

Cait Sith: “…I’m sorry to say you’re in last place. *And* you don’t have your partner. So you’re definitely out.”

(sephiroth looks up at cait sith and glares at him. then he reaches out, and punches him so hard that sparks fly and cait sith falls lifelessly to the ground)

Reeve: *gasp* “Oh my god! Sephiroth killed Cait Sith!”

Tseng: “You bastard!”

Reeve: *sniffles quietly*

Tseng: *pats him on the back* “It’s okay, Reeve.”

(david schwimmer arrives)

David Schwimmer: “Is everyone here?”

Reeve: *looks up quickly wiping away his tears* “Oh, hello, David Schwimmer.”

David Schwimmer: “Oh, right. I wanted to ask you something, Reeve… Reeve… Reeve…”

(back to the waking world, we see tseng shaking reeve gently and whispering his name.)

Tseng: “Reeve… Reeve…”

Reeve: *slowly waking up* “…Huh? Oh, Tseng. Hi. What’s wrong?”

Tseng: “You kept saying David Schwimmer’s name in your sleep.”

Reeve: *sweat drop* “Oh…? Heh. I…don’t see why that would be.”

Tseng: *shrug* “All right then.”

(he lies back down with his back to reeve, who looks relieved and starts to snuggle up in the covers again)

Tseng: *casually* “I just hope you two were as having as much fun in your dream as Jude Law and I were in mine.” *smirks*

Reeve: *eyes get really wide*

 

THE END

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