#87 – Warning: Parental Units

Lark’s dad: *softly* “You know, the trick is, when someone asks for something you don’t want to buy, you say ‘I can’t afford that right now’, and then they have to stop asking.”
Originally Published: 5/29/01 . 30 pages
Lark and Shell’s parents are coming to visit. Time to convince them everything around the ramble room is totally normal! They’re in for a challenge!

Ramble Milestones
-First appearance of Nips and Bernie.

This one is just weird. There’s a note at the end admitting that I rushed this one, and it is damn obvious. Other than Cait Sith, (“You again? Get a life.”) there aren’t many laughs to be found. As for the stuff at the beginning with the puppies – there was an ad for some sleeping pill that featured a bunch of puppies in a basket. And it looked like there was too many puppies in that basket, so our joke was that was why the guy couldn’t sleep. Because the puppies were complaining there was too many of them in the basket. And continuing the talking animal trend, Nips and Bernie are childhood stuffed animals who we created distinct personalities for. Nips was adorable but evil and looking to take over the world. Bernie’s complexities run deeper, but suffice to say he thinks he’s a big movie star when he’s not. Both stuffed animals are still around, though they have been split up. Probably for the best – everybody’s scared of Nips anyway.

(it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a–uh…anyway, it’s a really nice day out, and lark and shell are wandering along, eating some ice cream and enjoying the outdoors calmly without any annoying–er…lovable FF characters in sight. Some of them are still getting over Rufus’ movie. anyway, so they’re walking along without a care in the world except whether or not they’re going to get dripping ice cream all over their hands. well, there are napkins for that…)

Shell: “I love the ice cream man.”

Lark: “Me too. You know who else loves the ice cream man?”

Shell: “Who?”

Lark: “Zell. Too bad he’s still locked in his room hiding from that jelleye he saw the other day.”

Shell: “I don’t think that boy will ever be the same again.”

Lark: “Well, Rufus does that to people.”

(they walk by a man on the sidewalk, sitting in a folding chair with a basket of puppies at his side. and the puppies are really cute, brown, fluffy little things. one problem though. there must be 25 puppies in that basket and they’re all squirming around and making cute puppy noises. the guy looks kinda frazzled and is popping pills and washing them down with a glass of water held in his shaking hand. there is a big sign that says ‘for sale’ pointing to the puppies)

Lark and Shell: *stop to see the puppies* “Aw…”

Guy: *shaking* “You want to buy the puppies?”

Lark: *looks at the struggling puppies* “How many are in that basket?”

Guy: “About 25 or so.”

Shell: “25?! That’s way too many puppies for one basket!”

Guy: “You have to buy them! Please! They make too much noise at night! I can’t sleep! I have to spend all my money on sleeping pills because the damn puppies won’t shut up!”

Puppy #1: “Just get us another basket!”

Guy: “Shut up, puppies! I can’t afford one because I need to buy sleeping pills!”

Puppy #2: “We would be quiet if we had another basket!”

Puppy #3: “Squeaky can’t breathe!”

(lark and shell look increasingly scared)

Guy: “Shut up, puppies! Can’t you see I’m trying to get rid of you?”

(lark and shell run the hell away)

Guy: *watching them go* “No! Please! I really can’t take it anymore!”

Puppies: “Get us another basket!”

Guy: “Damn *puppies*! Foiled again!”

(when lark and shell are safely away from the scary man with the million puppies in the one basket, they stop to catch their breath. unbelievably, they managed to save all their ice cream)

Shell: “That’s something you don’t see every day.”

Lark: “That’s something you don’t *want* to see every day.”

(all the sudden, the ring of a cell phone interrupts their oh so interesting conversation)

Lark: “Who the bleep is this now?” *digs out phone and holds it up* “Hello?”

(the phone still rings)

Lark: *sweat drops*

Shell: “You have to push the talk button, jackass.”

Lark: “Oh. Right. Shut up.” *she does so* “Hello?”

????: “Hi, honey.”

Lark: *sweat drops* “Uh…hi…mom…”

Shell: *eyes widen*

Lark’s Mom: “What are you doin’?”

Lark: “Nothing… Just…eating ice cream. Taking a walk.”

Lark’s Mom: “Is Shell studying?”

Lark: *looks at shell who is eating ice cream and watching a squirrel run up a tree* “Uh…yeah, mom. She’s hard at work.”

Lark’s Mom: “She better be! Tell her I’m going to quiz her later.”

Lark: “Uh-huh.”

Lark’s Mom: “And you had better study too.”

Lark: “Uh…I don’t have anything to study, mom.”

Lark’s Mom: “Well you should study something.”

Lark: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, okay.”

Lark’s Mom: “Well, we’re in the car right now coming back from Home Depot.”

Lark: “Uh huh.”

Lark’s Mom: “We thought we’d stop by.”

Lark: *eyes widen as she nearly drops the phone* “WHAT?!”

Lark’s Mom: “We want to meet your new friends.”

Lark: *a million sweat drops* “You…” *gulp* “…do?”

(shell gives her the ‘what is that about’ look, but lark brushes it off)

Lark’s Mom: “Don’t worry, we won’t stay long. Just a few hours. We have the dog with us.”

Belle’s voice: *in the background* “I want to drive.”

Lark’s Dad’s voice: *in the background* “Next time, Belle.”

Belle’s voice: “Yaaaaaaaaaay!”

Lark’s Mom: “We’ll be there in about half an hour.”

Lark: “Uh…great.”

Lark’s Mom: “See you soon, honey! Bye!”

Lark: “Bye.” *turns it off and turns to shell* “They’re coming.”

Shell: *scared* “What?”

Lark: “Our parents are going to be coming by in half an hour.”

Shell: “WHAT?!”

Lark: “We have to get back to the ramble room and starting hiding stuff!”

Shell: “Yeah!!!”

(they turn around and run back in the direction they came from, passing the puppy guy)

Puppies: “Help!!!!”

(but they just keep running)

Guy: “Damn *puppies*! Foiled again!”


(the girls run frantically back into the ramble room where a bunch of people are just sitting around, you know, doing the usual. lark and shell frantically survey the room with their eyes. irvine and reno are having a beer chugging contest. rufus is taking up the whole couch. vincent is trying to talk to seph, but he doesn’t care. reeve and tseng are typing up something on reeve’s laptop. the other ramble chicks are crowded around some kind of comic. zell and seifer are about to get into a violent argument while squall watches without a care and tries to ignore laguna trying to talk to him. zidane is watching irvine and reno’s contest and egging them on. rude is just standing there.)

Irvine: “I chugged more than you did!”

Reno: “No way, man! I’m so king of chugging!”

Lark and Shell: *exchange a look* “They both have to go.”

Lark: *whips out fifty bucks* “Oh, Reno and Irvine!”

(irvine and reno perk up, and rufus does too cause he senses money)

Lark: “How would you guys like a whole afternoon out on me?”

Rufus: “I would!”

Irvine and Reno: “Kick ass!” *high five*

(they come over and grab the money excitedly. but then irvine gives lark a weird look)

Irvine: “Wait a minute…why’re ya being so nice?”

Lark: “Aren’t I always nice?”

Irvine: “Uh…”

Lark: *snaps* “Yes I am!” *sweet smile* “Oops.” *pats him on the shoulder* “You just have fun now, you two. And don’t be back for several hours.”

Reno: “Come on, Irvine! My car still runs, even if I hit into a stop sign the other day!”

(they leave and lark and shell look a little more relieved)

Shell: “Now to get rid of the evidence.” *calls* “RUDE!”

Rude: *takes two steps forward* “Yes, Shell?”

Shell: “Rude, I want you to throw out all the booze. Now.”

Zidane: “What?? All the booze? Why?”

Lark: “Zidane, why don’t you do me a favor and make sure Barret, Cid and Red all get the hell out of here for a few hours.” *holds up a hundred bucks*

Zidane: *eyes light up* “Sure!”

Rufus: “Why aren’t I getting any money?”

(zidane grabs the money and runs off happily while rude gathers up all the booze)

Sephiroth: “What are you up to, woman?”

Lark: “Quiet you. You and Vincent go change into something more normal.”

Sephiroth: “I thought you liked the leather.”

Lark: “Of course I love that nice…tight…leather…” *dreamy look*

Shell: *nudges her*

Lark: *snaps back to it* “Uh, right. But you have to change. Put on normal clothes.”

Vincent: “May we ask as to why?”

Lark: “It will all be explained soon enough.” *checks watch* “*Way* too soon enough.”

(sephiroth and vincent look at each other confused, but go off. lark scans the room and then turns to shell)

Lark: “I never thought I’d say this, but we have to separate Reeve and Tseng.”

Shell: “Which one should stay?”

Lark: *covers her eyes with one hand* “I can’t do it, Shell. You’ll have to do it.”

Shell: *shrug* “All right.” *calls* “Tseng!”

Tseng: *looks up* “What?”

Shell: “I….uh…need to ask a favor of you.”

Tseng: “What is it?”

Shell: “Uh……the Backstreet Boys are going to be in town, and they’re selling tickets, but the line is really long and I don’t want to wait on it, and Rude is busy, so, can you maybe go pick up a couple of tickets?” *smiles and takes out a wad of cash*

Tseng: *happily* “The Backstreet Boys?! Sure!” *pats reeve on the shoulder* “I’ll see you later, honey.”

Reeve: *eyes glued to the screen* “Uh-huh.”

(tseng grabs the money and runs off. shell pokes lark and she uncovers her eyes)

Lark: “Okay, what else?” *spots zell and seifer* “You guys! No fighting! Sit down like nice boys! Squall, put a damn smile on your face! Laguna, act your age for five minutes!”

Zell: “What’s going on, Lark?”

Lark: “…We’re going to have some visitors.”

Seifer: “The President?”

Laguna and Rufus: “(Hey hey!) I am the President!”

Lark: “Uh, no. My parents.”

Everyone: *stops dead*

Rufus: “Oh man… No wonder you paid those jerks to leave.”

Shell: *snatches the ‘johnny the homicidal maniac’ comics from the ramble chicks* “Come on, you guys! We need your help! Act normal!”

Ashley: *blinks* “Act what?”

(sephiroth and vincent return wearing black jeans, and sephiroth has a black t-shirt on, and vincent had a red one)

Sephiroth: “Okay, now that I look like some random jerk off the street, what is this all about?”

Zell: “Lark’s parents are coming.”

Sephiroth: “WHAT?!”

Reeve: *looks up from his computer screen* “What?”

(lark walks over to see what he’s looking at)

Lark: “What are you looking at, Reeve?”

(she goes and peeks over his shoulder, her knowing smile fading completely)

Lark: “Oh. Computer speakers.”

Reeve: *brightly* “They’re having a sale!”

Lark: “Uh huh. That’s nice, sweetie.”

Shell: “Don’t you think we should get some more girls?”

(the doorbell rings and they both freeze)

Lark: “Too late!!”

(she and shell run out of the ramble room to get the door. once they reach the door they both stop, fix their hair, put on big smiles and act very relaxed. the door opens, and there are lark’s parents, with the dog)

Belle: “Where’s the jerk who kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicked me?”

Lark: “Hi, mom! Hi, dad! Welcome to the ramble room!”

Shell: “Hi.”

Lark’s Dad: “We got a little lost, but this nice Doctor man told us where to go. He even gave me some kelp to bring over.”

(holds up tupperware container full of kelp. lark makes a disgusted face)

Lark’s Dad: “Is he a friend of yours, honey?”

Lark: “Um…not…really.”

Lark’s Mom: “And we also met a very nice boy over there named Nida. You should go out with someone like that, Lauren.”

Lark: “Mom, I’m not going out with Nida, and DON’T call me that here, please? Okay?” *sigh*

Shell: “And I’m Shell. Just Shell. Not *Mich*elle. Shell.”

Belle: “Let me in!” *tries to push her way in*

Lark: “I don’t think so! You have to stay tied out front!”

Shell: “Aw haw! Not my dog!” *bends to pet belle*

Belle: “Don’t touuuuuuccccch me.”

Lark: “Everyone hates her. She tries to bite Reeve. She has to stay outside.”

Lark’s mom: “She’ll be good. Just let her smell everyone.”

Lark: “It doesn’t work. We’ve tried it before.”

Lark’s dad: “She’ll be good.”

Belle: “Yeah!”

Lark: “No. No way. Dog stays *outside*.”

(she grabs belle’s leash, goes outside and ties her to the railing in the front)

Belle: “I haaaaaaaaaaaate you. Biiiiiiiite me.”

Lark: “Kiss my ass.”

(she stomps back inside.)

Lark: “Okay, well, come meet everyone.”

(they all go into the ramble room where the ramble chicks stand smiling and all the ff characters sit around looking nervous)

Ramble chicks: “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Lark and Shell’s parents!”

Lark’s Mom: “Hi, girls.”

Lark’s Dad: “Hello.”

Lark: “Everyone, these are my parents.” *she goes over and puts a hand on rufus’ shoulder* “This is Rufus Shinra.”

Rufus: *shakes hands with them* “Have you folks thought about Mako energy?”

Lark’s Dad: “Would it cut my oil bills in half?”

Rufus: “You *bet* it will!” *lark nudges him* “Ow…”

Lark: “This is Zell Dincht.”

Zell: “Nice to meetcha!”

Lark’s Mom: “Is that a tattoo?”

Zell: “Isn’t it cool?”

Lark’s Mom: “Your mother let you do that to yourself?”

Zell: *uncertainly* “Yeah…”

Lark: “This is Seifer Almasy.”

Seifer: “I’m the Sorceress’ Knight!”

Lark: “They have no idea what that is.”

Seifer: “Oh.” *hangs head*

Lark: “This is Squall Leonheart and his father Laguna Loire.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! I’m President of Esther! Pleased to meet you folks!”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Laguna: “Please excuse my son. He’s not very friendly.”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Lark’s mom: *whispers to lark* “You hang out with a man who has a kid your age?”

Lark: *whispers back* “He acts our age. Plus, he’s Lizzie’s boyfriend.”

Lark’s mom: “And does her mother know about this?”

Lark: *ignores her* “This is Reeve Leander. He’s a genius. He’s really good with electronic stuff.”

Reeve: “Wow, thanks for the nice intro, Lark.” *shakes hands with her parents* “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Lark’s dad: “Can you fix cars?”

Reeve: “I can.”

Lark’s dad: “Then do you think you can take a look at mine? It’s been giving me trouble.”

Reeve: “Uh…sure. I guess so.”

Lark: “This is Vincent Valentine.”

Lark’s mom: *gasp* “What happened to his hand?”

Lark: “The guy with the kelp gave him that.”

Lark’s mom: “Oh… I… Don’t really understand…”

Shell: “It’s better that way.” *chucks the kelp*

Lark: “Shell, maybe you’d like to introduce Rude?”

Shell: *proudly* “Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend, Rude!” *puts a hand on his shoulder* “He buys me things!”

Rude: *nods* “Hello.”

Lark’s Mom: “So you’re Rude? We’ve heard a lot about you! Shell’s shown us all the things you’ve bought her!”

Rude: “It’s nice to know someone appreciates them.”

Lark’s dad: *softly* “You know, the trick is, when someone asks for something you don’t want to buy, you say ‘I can’t afford that right now’, and then they have to stop asking.”

Rude: “Not Shell.”

Lark: “And finally, this is Sephiroth. My…uh…friend.” *smile*

Lark’s Mom: “Hi, Sepheroff.”

Lark: “Mom, it’s Sephir*oth*.”

Sephiroth: *nervous smile* “No, that’s okay, Lark. I don’t mind.” *twitch*

Lark: “And you know everyone else.”

Lark’s Mom: *to the ramble girls* “Oh, you girls hang out here too?”

Noelle: *mumbles* “You hardly would know anymore.”

Lark’s Mom: “Oh! Lauren–“

Lark: “Mom! Do NOT call me that!”

Lark’s Mom: *blinks* “Anyway, we invited that nice Doctor man and his friends over later.”

Lark: *blink* “You did *what*!?”

Sephiroth: *whimpers*

Lark’s Dad: “They seem like very nice people.”

Lark: *looks like she’s about to scream*

Ashley: *steps in* “Uh… That was very nice of you, Mrs. Lark’s mom. Why don’t you let Katie take you on a tour of the ramble room?”

Lark’s Mom: “Oh, that would be lovely!”

Katie: “Okay, come on, let’s go!” *leads lark’s parents out*

(once they’re safely away…)

Lark: “ARGH!!! They’ve been here five seconds and they’re driving me nuts already!” *pant pant*

Shell: “Well they liked Rude.”

Lizzie: “Why don’t you go over to the losers and tell them not to come?”

Sephiroth: “Like they would *listen*.”

Lark: “I was trying to show my parents I *don’t* hang out with weird people! And now the *losers* are coming??? They’re going to think I have friends like that!”

Zell: *laughs* “Hey, if you got rid of the weirdos, why is Seifer still here?”

Seifer: “Why are *you* still here, chicken wuss?”

Zell: “Hey!” *flips out*

Lark: “You guys! Please!”

Ashley: “Don’t worry, Lark. We’ll think of something.”

Shell: “Maybe if we stuff the losers so full of food when they get here, they won’t have anything to talk about.”

Noelle: “Great idea!!!! I just got this great cookbook!” *holds up a book called ‘1001 ways to eat healthy*

Everyone: *makes a disgusted face*

Noelle: “It’ll be great!”

Lark: “Ugh… Fine. Noelle, you, Ashley and Lizzie go make food to serve when the losers get here. Shell, you, Rude, and Rufus go help Katie out with mom and dad. Reeve, go fix my parent’s car. Zell, Seifer, Squall and Laguna, go keep Belle company.”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Noelle: “And what are you Sephiroth and Vincent going to do?”

Lark: “Set up in here, of course.”

Noelle: “Of course.”

Lark: “Now come on, you guys. The faster my parents are out of here, the better.”

(everyone agrees and they all rush out, except for lark, seph and vincent)

Sephiroth: “You know, if we poison the losers…”

Lark: *gives him a look*

Sephiroth: “….Kidding.”


(meanwhile, Katie is giving lark’s parents the grand tour.)

Katie: “And that concludes the tour of the broom closet.”

Lark’s Mom: “That doesn’t seem like it’s that important.”

Katie: “Lots of stuff has happened in there. Trust me.”

(rufus, shell and rude come over)

Rufus: *brilliant smile* “Hi, folks! Enjoying the tour?”

Lark’s Dad: “Yes. Katie is a very good tour guide.”

Rude: *mumbles* “I don’t like the sound of this…”

Rufus: “You know, for only 5 Gil a day–“

Shell: “Rufus! No swindling my parents!”

Rufus: “4 Gil!”

Shell: “No!”

Rufus: “3?”

Shell: “No!”

Rufus: *pouts*

Lark’s Mom: “We saw your room, Shell. Where did you get all those diamonds?”

Shell: *points to rude* “Him.”

Lark’s Dad: “Money doesn’t grow on trees, Shell.”

Shell: *laughs* “Of course not, dad! It grows in Rude’s pocket!”

Rude: *sweat drops*

Rufus: *chuckles* “He wishes.”

Katie: “Should we continue with the tour?”

Lark’s Dad: “Yes. It’s most informative.”

Lark’s Mom: “I love these carpets. Are they mauve?”

Katie: “Um….I…guess so.”

Rufus: “What about 2 gil a day?”

Shell: “RUFUS!”


(meanwhile, in the kitchen, the girls are decked out in aprons)

Lizzie: “I feel like a disgruntled housewife.”

Ashley: “Better then *being* a disgruntled housewife.”

Noelle: “Okay, come on you guys! This is our time to shine!” *plops down cookbook* “Tofu soufflé!”

Lizzie and Ashley: *scrunch up their noses* “Ew.”

Noelle: “And carrot cake!”

Ashley: “How about pizza instead?”

Lizzie: “And chocolate cake? Chocolate’s good.”

Noelle: “No! Do you how much *fat* is in that stuff? If I told you, you would never want to eat it again!”

Lizzie: “I doubt that.”

Noelle: “Come on, you guys! This has only 2 calories! 2!”

Ashley: “It also has no taste! None!”

(she and Lizzie laugh and Noelle gets upset and puts her hands on her hips)

Noelle: “Come on, you guys! Give it a chance!”

Lizzie: *shrugs* “Heidegger *will* eat anything… And Hojo eats kelp…”

Ashley: “And no one said *we* had to eat it.”

(they look at each other, then at Noelle)

Ashley and Lizzie: “Fine.”


(meanwhile, outside….reeve comes out and walks by belle. she immediately begins barking and snarling, and pulls the leash to it’s limit while reeve runs away screaming, hands waving in the air. belle keeps barking, even after he’s long gone. then seifer, zell, squall and laguna come out)

Laguna: “Hey hey! Nice dog!”

Zell and Seifer: *cower in horror*

Squall: “Whatever.”

Belle: *stops barking and looks at them* “He kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicked me.”

Guys: *blink*

Zell: “Wow. That thing really does talk. I wonder why we didn’t hear it before?”

Laugna: “Maybe because you didn’t believe.”

Squall: *gives his dad a weird look* “You’re a weirdo.”

Belle: “Hey! Pay attention to me!” *wags tail*

Laguna: “What a cute dog!” *pets belle*

Belle: “I liiiiiiiiiike you.”

Zell: “Why does she like him?”

Seifer: “Yeah! I mean, I’m ten times cooler!”

Squall: “Maybe it likes things as stupid as it is.”

Laguna: “I heard that, son.”

Squall: “Whatever.”

(belle goes under the porch and drags out a small bag)

Belle: “Oooooooooooooooooopen this fa me.”

Zell: *blinks* “It comes with it’s own luggage?”

(laguna opens the bag, and out comes the guinea pig puppet lark had on her birthday, and a small white bunny that looks like the one from ‘pat the bunny’)

Belle: *nudges them* “Wake upppppppp!”

Guinea pig puppet: *stirs* “What is it? I was having a dream about swimming in a sea of carrots. And then my agent called me and told me I won an Oscar. And then I ate some carrots.”

Guys: *blink*

Seifer: “What the hell…?”

Bunny: *has an eerily calm voice* “Hello, Belle, and how are you today?”

Belle: *edges away* “I’m fine, Nips.”

Zell: *rubs his eyes* “What the hell?!? Now the *puppet* and the stuffed *rabbit* are talking??”

Seifer: *whimpers*

Laguna: “Hey hey! Cool!”

Belle: “Shut up.”

Guinea Pig puppet: “I have a name, you know. It’s Bernie Guinea-Rat. I’m a movie star.” *takes sunglasses out and puts them on*

Nips: “I want to sit on the ledge up there.”

Guys: *blink*

Nips: “I said I want to sit on the ledge up there.” *narrows eyes*

Zell: “Uh…okay.” *does as nips asked*

Nips: “Thank you. You will be rewarded.”

Zell: “Can Seifer die?”

Seifer: “Hey!”

Squall: *mutters* “Okay, I am officially scared of anything that comes from Lark’s house.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! Pleased to meet you, Mr. Guinea-Rat! I’m President of Esthar!”

Bernie: “If you want an autograph, get in line.”

Zell: *pokes nips* “Can I get rewarded now?”

Nips: “Don’t touch me. Don’t touch mee-eee.”

Zell: *draws back* “Okay, freaky bunny person.”

Nips: “My name is Nips. What should I call you?”

Zell: “Um…I’m Zell.”

Nips: “Hi, Zell. It’s nice to meet you.”

Zell: *is totally scared* “Uh…thanks.” *runs and hides behind seifer*

Seifer: “It’s a fricken stuffed bunny, chicken-wuss.”

Nips: “I wouldn’t talk about Nips like that if I were you.”

Zell: *shaking* “You heard what it said!”

Seifer: “Whatever, chicken-wuss.”

Belle: “I haaaaaaaaaaaate Nips.”

Nips: “What was that, Belle?”

Belle: *sweat drop* “I said I looooooooooooooove you.”

Bernie: “Is there a candy machine around here somewhere? I’m hungry.”

Laguna: “Sorry, I don’t think there is one!”

Bernie: *peers over his sunglasses* “Then find me something else.”

Laguna: “All righty!” *he runs off*

Seifer: “Squall, why is your father listening to the talking Guinea Pig puppet who claims to be a movie star?”

Squall: *hits himself the forehead* “Because he’s an idiot.”


(meanwhile…reeve is near the car, and has the control for cait sith in hand, and is happily fiddling with it)

Reeve: *joyfully* “You’re gonna help me fix the car, Cait Sith, because you’re so handy and useful and even though you went crazy on me last time I know you won’t this time! And you’ll protect me from that dog and everything will be just fine!” *turns cait sith on*

Cait Sith: *sees reeve* “You again? Get a life.”

Reeve: “Hey! Come on, I need your help.”

Cait Sith: “Of course you do. You’re an idiot.”

Reeve: “I am not! Now come on.” *he turns around and opens the hood of the car* “Now let’s see what we’ve got here…”

(he peers in, and while he busy doing that, cait sith comes over, taps him with his m-phone, takes off 3 hit points, and turns around, whistling at the sky as reeve whirls around)

Reeve: “Hey! I felt that!” *rubs his shoulder*

Cait Sith: “What are you talking about, dork?”

Reeve: “You hit me!”

Cait Sith: “I did not! You’re just paranoid!”

(reeve mumbles unhappily and goes to look inside the car again. cait sith repeats his little process, taking off 6 hit points, and reeve turns around more angry)

Reeve: “You’re not being nice, Cait Sith!”

Cait Sith: “Let me read your fortune, Reeve!” *takes out fortune and reads it* “Everyone hates your guts! What are you still doing alive, you idiot?! Your lucky color is black!”

Reeve: *blinks*

Cait Sith: “Never got one like that before! I better stick around and see how it turns out!” *laughs*

Reeve: “Leave me alone!” *turns around again* “Now what seems to be the problem…” *rubs chin thoughtfully*

(cait sith laughs quietly as he takes out some materia and turns reeve into a frog)

Cait Sith: “Ha ha!”

Reeve: *jumps up and down* “Cait Sith! This isn’t funny! Change me back right now!”

Cait Sith: “Or what? You’ll get hopping mad?” *laughs harder*

Reeve: “CAIT SITH!”

Cait Sith: “You have no sense of humor, Reeve. That’s why no one likes you.”

(he changes reeve back, and reeve unhappily brushes himself off)

Reeve: “Leave me *alone*! Hmph!” *turns back to the car*

(cait sith starts to hop around in a circle, and as he passes reeve, he hits him with the m-phone, takes off 11 hp’s, and laughs his ass off, while reeve starts to develop a twitch)

Reeve: “I’m beginning to think there’s something wrong with me…”


(meanwhile, back in the ramble room… it’s all set up. lark is sitting at the table, drumming her fingers, vincent is standing around, and sephiroth is shaking the magic eight ball as he sits on the couch)

Sephiroth: “Will the losers make a fool outta Lark?” *reads it* “Not certain?” *shakes it violently* “You $%^& piece of $%^&*%^ crap!!” *starts banging it against the couch but then he stops, sighs and smiles at it* “Aw, who am I kidding? I can’t stay mad at you!” *pets it affectionately*

Vincent: *blinks* “You know that is just a toy, right, my angel?”

Sephiroth: *snaps* “Shut up, Vincent. It has divine influence.”

Vincent: “Angel–“

Sephiroth: *gives him a hard look* “I said it has *divine influence*, Vincent.”

Vincent: *sigh* “Lark? Do you think perhaps we should invite more people…”

Lark: “Like who? I don’t want anyone weird.”

Vincent: “…I suppose Cloud is out of the picture… Yuffie?”

Lark: “Materia freak.”

Vincent: “Quistis?”

Lark: “Thief.”

Vincent: “Rinoa?”

Lark: “Crackwhore.”

Vincent: *taken back* “Lark!”

Lark: “Well that’s what Ashley calls her!”

Sephiroth: *shakes magic 8 ball* “Are the FF characters a bunch of freaks?” *reads it* “Yes?!?! Hey! You insulting piece of—“

Vincent: “Angel.”

Sephiroth: *looks up, magic 8 ball raised above his head like he’s going to smash it* “Yes?”

Vincent: “That came from Toys ‘R’ Us.”

Sephiroth: “Divine influence, Vincent. DIVINE INFLUENCE!”


(meanwhile, in loser land…the losers are getting ready for their big night out. nida is fixing his seed uniform, scarlet is putting on some red lipstick, kuja is preening, hojo is admiring him, and heidegger is brushing his beard and singing)

Scarlet: “I still can’t believe we were invited somewhere. When was the last time we went out?”

Everyone: *blink*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! We have no lives!”

Kuja: “Speak of yourselves.” *admires himself in the mirror* “I think this pink eyeshadow looks *marvelous* on me.”

Hojo: “Of course it does, my pet.”

Nida: “Hey, do you think SQUALL will be there?” *reaches for poison bottle*

Scarlet: “No, Nida! Let’s not cause ANOTHER scene! Maybe if we all act nice and mature-like, we’ll get invited to *stay* in the ramble room.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Dream on!”

Hojo: “I’ve never heard you offer any kind of hope before, Scarlet.”

Scarlet: “Of course not. Those were *your* ideas.”

Nida: “So wait… *No* poison?”

Scarlet: “No!”

Nida: *garden snap*

Hojo: “I find it ironic that Lark’s parents are nicer than her.”

Scarlet: “Who *isn’t* nicer than that bitch?”

Nida: “You. And Squall.”

Scarlet: “Shut up, jerk!”

Kuja: *checks the time* “Oh dear. I had better put on my mascara now if we are going to arrive on time.”

Hojo: “Yes, my pet. We can’t afford to be late! We’ll blow our chance at getting out of this dump!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! We’re doomed!


(back in the ramble room, everything has been set up, and Lizzie, Noelle and Ashley are bringing the food out as the tour guide group returns.)

Lark’s Mom: “This ramble room is so lovely!”

Lark’s Dad: “How much does it take to take care of a place like this?”

Lark: *shrugs* “I dunno. Ask Rufus.”

Lark’s Mom: “You pay for everything?”

Rufus: “Oh, well, you know. It’s nothing at all, really. It’s the least I can do. I have so much money, I might as well share it with those I love.”

Rude: *snorts*

(then reeve comes stumbling in. he’s covered in motor oil and has cait sith’s m-phone jammed over his head. he looks weak and pale)

Sephiroth: “What the hell happened to you?”

Reeve: “Cait Sith. That’s what happened! That thing HATES me!”

Noelle: “But don’t you….control Cait Sith?”

Reeve: “I used to.”

Sephiroth: “Have you gone insane again?”

Reeve: “I just… Really need a hi-potion or two. Or five. And a bath. And yeah.” *starts stumbling off* “I’ll see you later.”

(they all watch him limp off)

Lark’s dad: *blinks* “Did he fix my car or not?”

Lizzie: “Okay! Anyway! The losers–er…I mean our *guests* should be here soon.” *looks around* “Hey, where’s Laguna?”

Lark: “The dog must have traumatized them or something. I’ll go get them.”

(She leaves and goes outside. and out there, laguna is having an in depth conversation with bernie, squall looks horrified, zell’s sitting there looking drained, and seifer is sitting with his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth. belle is just laying down and nips is adjusting a heavy gold necklace around it’s tiny neck)

Lark: *blink* “WHAT THE HELL!?!?!”

Seifer: *pops up* “Lark!! Save me!!! That bunny is SCARY!!!”

Lark: “Of course it’s scary! It’s Nips the bunny demon spawn of hell!”

Nips: “I wouldn’t say that about me, Lark. I wouldn’t say tha-at.”

Lark: *sweat drops* “I was kidding Nips. Just a little joke. Heh heh.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! Did you know this Guinea Pig was the cat in the show Inspector Gadget?”

Squall: “That’s a cartoon, you ass.”

Laguna: “What?”

Lark: “Squall’s right, Laguna. That was a *cartoon* show. Bernie wasn’t in it.”

Bernie: “You’re just jealous.”

Lark: “Yeah, that’s it. Belle!”

Belle: *snaps* “What??”

Lark: “Why did you bring your friends?”

Belle: “Nips isn’t my friend.”

Nips: “What was that, Belle?”

Belle: “I said you’re my best friend, Nips.”

Nips: “That’s what I thought you said, Belle…”

Lark: “Whatever! Look, Belle, just pack up the freak show, and shut up. Come on, boys. The losers are going to be here soon.”

(lark turns and goes inside. squall and laguna follow. seifer runs away as fast as possible, and zell gives nips one more uncertain look before running off. they go back to the ramble room)

Zell: “Why do stuffed animals talk here?”

Lark: “Something else weird happens every day. Are we even surprised anymore?”

Shell: “What’s going on?”

Lark: “Belle brought Nips.”

Shell: *shudder* “This could be bad.”

Laguna: “But it looked so harmless!”

Lark’s mom: “Nips is so cute!”

Lark: *sweat drops* “Riiiight….anyway, the losers should be here–“

Lark’s dad: *taps watch* “Honey, my watch stopped. What time is it?”

Lark: *checks time* “It’s about 7:30.”

Lark’s dad: “7:30?? It takes us an hour to get home and I have to be home in time for the Sopranos!”

Lark and Shell: *roll eyes*

Lark’s dad: “We better leave now.”

Lark’s mom: “Oh, you and that stupid show. Can’t you miss it one week?”

Lark’s dad: “Absolutely not. I have to get home. I have to get home. Say good-bye. I’ll go get the car started.” *he runs out*

Everyone: *blink*

Lark’s mom: “Well looks like we won’t be staying for dinner after all, honey. Sorry about that.”

Lark: “Oh, that’s okay, mom.”

Lark’s mom: “Bye, everyone. It was nice meeting you. Bye, girls.”

Everyone: “Bye, Lark’s mom!”

(they follow her off to the front porch and they get into the car, dragging belle and her assorted friends, and drive off.)

Noelle: “Well….more tofu for us!”

Lizzie: “Hey, you know what *this* means, don’t you?”

(then the losers come around the corner, all smiles)

Lark: *grins* “I never thought I’d say this…but thank god for the Sopranos.” *cups hands around her mouth and yells* “HEY, LOSERS! GET LOST! WE’RE REVOKING YOUR INVITATION!”

(they all laugh and high five and go back inside)

Losers: *stop dead*

Kuja: “But I…spent all that time putting on that extra make-up.”

Scarlet: “I took my herpes medication.”

Hojo: “I brought kelp!”

Nida: “I’m just plain cool!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Rejects!”

Others: “Why you–!!!”

(then a disgruntled looking cait sith comes out of the bushes and stares at them)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Kitty cat!”

Hojo: “My precious creation! What happened to you! You look beat up!” *goes to his side*

Scarlet: “I thought Reeve made Cait Sith.”

Hojo: “He just uses it! You think he’s smart enough to make such a masterpiece!?”

Scarlet: “…..Yes.”

Cait Sith: *spasms* “Evil… Humans…”

Nida: “Tell me about it.”

Cait Sith: “Destroy all!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Not good!”

(then he casts a spell, and when the smoke clears, cait sith is gone, and all that’s left are the losers….as frogs)

Nida: “Oh no!” *ribbit* “De ja vu!”

Kuja: “My beautiful face!!! Change me back! Change me back!”

Hojo: “I have some maiden’s kisses back in the room.” *ribbit*

Scarlet: *sigh* “Well this was not the evening *I* was imagining.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Reject frogs!” *ribbit*


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