#86 – Rufus Makes a Movie

Rufus: “I don’t trust any information from a man in a ballerina skirt.”

Originally Published: 5/8/01 . 45 pages

Rufus writes his own version of what would happen if the FF7 and FF8 gangs met, and he’s making a movie out of it! Everyone’s overjoyed to be in a movie at first, but then they read the script! Will Rufus be heading to the Oscars, or dealing with a mutinous cast?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I have so much love for this ramble. Shell helped me with the ideas, and it wasn’t the easiest to write, but I love the finished product. Almost any time there’s a ramble where Rufus is in charge, the results are awesome. I could start to list all my favorite parts, but the list would be too long. And if you’re wondering what Twilight put in the coffee…you don’t wanna know.

(the ramble room is quiet for a change. lark is sitting at the table, typing something on a laptop while tseng reads over her shoulder. shell and rude are sitting on the floor, and shell is painting his nails pink while he pouts. reeve is sitting on the couch, flipping through a radio shack catalogue, and sephiroth is sitting next to him, reading ‘sword owner’s monthly’. reno is on the other side of him, reading ‘seventeen’. rufus is sitting at the counter, typing away at his own laptop, a delighted glint in his eyes. irvine is polishing his gun in one corner, while zell and seifer are playing an eeirely quiet game of war….lark pauses in what she’s typing, reads it over, then turns back and looks at tseng, tapping the screen. tseng leans closer, and reads it)

Tseng: “That’s good, but…” *he leans over and erases a little and then types something in*

Lark: *eyes widen* “No. You’d never say that.”

Tseng: *shrugs* “Ask Reeve.”

Lark: *peers around the computer* “Reeve, can you come here a minute?”

(reeve looks up, nods, takes off his glasses and comes over)

Reeve: “What?”

Lark: *points to screen* “Would Tseng say that?”

Reeve: *glances at it* “Yeah.”

Lark: “Really?!”

Seifer: *looks over* “What are you three talking about?”

Lark, Reeve and Tseng: *look at seifer* “Nothing.”

Sephiroth: *mutters as he turns a page* “As if it isn’t painfully obvious…”

Rufus: *suddenly jumping into the air clutching handfuls of paper* “I did it! It’s done!”

(no one looks over)

Reno: *turns page* “Unless he’s destroyed Shinra, I’m not liftin’ my head.”

(rufus runs into the middle of the room, still overly excited)

Rufus: “Don’t you see?? My movie! It’s done! I finished it!”

Sephiroth: *snorts* “I know without even looking that I could pull a better script out of my ass.”

Tseng: “I’ll refrain from making a throughly perverted comment.”

Sephiroth: *looks up and glares at him*

Rufus: “I’ve been working on this for a long, long time!”

Lark: “Then why didn’t you tell any of us about it?”

Rufus: “I didn’t want any of you to steal my idea!”

Sephiroth: “Like any of us would want to.”

Zell: “What’s the idea?”

Rufus: “Get this—!” *dramatically, holding his hands up like he’s seeing the marquee already* “Final Fantasy 7 meets Final Fantasy 8 the movie, entitled, The Greatest Story Every Told, subtitled, The Rufus Shinra Story.”

Seifer: *blinks* “Final Fantasy 7 meets Final Fantasy 8?”

Rufus: “Yeah! You guys are all in it!”

(in a second, all the ff characters are crowded around rufus, excitedly demanding to see it)

Seifer: “I bet I’m cool!”

Sephiroth: “I bet I’m cooler than you!”

Reno: “Do I get drunk in it?”

Rude: “Did you remember to put me in?”

Zell: “This kicks ASS!”

Tseng: “I’m scared how I was portrayed.”

Reeve: “Me too.”

Irvine: “This is so cool!”

(lark and shell look at one another curiously, and then get up and join the group of people trying to see)

Reno: “Are you going to film this??”

Rufus: “Of course I am! And I’m going to sell it and make a ton of money off of it, of course!”

Everyone: “Of course.”

Zell: “Who’s gonna play me?”

Rufus: “You’re going to play you, you idiot! Everyone gets to play themselves!”

FF characters: “Cool!”

Lark: “Can I be an extra or something?”

Rufus: “Don’t worry, Lark, I put you in it!”

Lark: *eyes light up* “Really?!?! Awesome!!!” *hugs rufus*

Shell: “What about me?”

Rufus: “You’re in it too, Shell. You play Aeris.”

Shell: “Alright…but can I choose my own costume?”

Reeve: *reading off the title page* “Rated NC-17?”

Rufus: “Yeah, that’s for all the sex and swearing.”

Reno: “Kick ass! Sounds like my kinda movie!”

Irvine: “Mine too!”

Lark: *sweat drop* “Maybe on second thought…”

Rufus: “We’re going to start filming tomorrow at 8 a.m. sharp, so you all better be here or I’ll find someone else to play you! Right now, I have calls to make and people to see.” *he grabs all the paper back* “Oh yeah, and none of you are getting paid.” *he leaves*

Everyone: “Well, *duh*.”

Tseng: “I don’t know… I have a bad feeling about this movie.”

Sephiroth: “I have a bad feeling about the subtitle of this movie.”

Lark: “I have a bad feeling about the rating.”

Shell: “I have a feeling I’ll get my own dressing room.”

Rude: “What gives you that idea, Shell?”

Shell: “The knowledge that I’m going to demand one.”

Reeve: “I have a feeling we won’t be accurately portrayed.”

Reno: “Who cares?!” *chants* “Mov-ie! Mov-ie! Mov-ie! Mov-ie!”

(irvine joins in)

Irvine and Reno: “Mov-ie! Mov-ie! Mov-ie! Mov-ie! Mov-ie!”

Zell: “Oh man! I need some acting lessons!!”


(the next day, every ramble ff7 and ff8 character (including the losers), as well as zidane, kuja, lark, shell, twilight and opal are in a soundstage that rufus has rented for the filming of the movie. they’re all milling around and waiting for rufus to arrive)

Lark: “Why are the losers here?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m in the movie!”

Lark: “Ew!! Why??”

Heidegger: “I play Cait Sith! Gya haa haa!”

Reeve: “What!?!?!” *hangs head* “What an insult.”

Scarlet: *flips hair over shoulder* “And I’m in it too. I have my own dance number.”

Lark: “What?! Was Rufus DRUNK?!”

Reno: “No, that’s more my style.”

Lark: “Well what about Hojo and Kuja and Nida?”

Hojo: “I’m in charge of special effects.”

Kuja: *flips hair back* “Make-up supplier.”

Nida: “I wanna play Squall!”

Lark: “We have the real Squall.”

Nida: “I could play it better!”

(before lark can yell at him for being an idiot, rufus comes out with a slew of paper)

Rufus: “Good morning, everyone! Who’s ready to make a movie??”

Nida: “Rufus! Can I play Squall? Please? I’ve been preparing for this my whole life!”

Rufus: *blinks* “You’re a freak. But if the real Squall gets injured, you can have the part.”

Nida: *thinking of devious plans* “Oh really…?”

Rufus: “Everyone come get your scripts.”

(everyone runs up like maniacs, grabs their scripts and runs off, leaving a frazzled rufus behind)

Rufus: “Uh….be sure to memorize your lines.” *stumbles a step or two* “And be sure to look over the character description page so you know what your character acts like.”

Irvine: *blinks* “I thought we were playing ourselves.”

Rufus: “You are!” *pause* “Only I made a few adjustments.”

Reeve: *reading the script* “I’m flamboyantly gay?!?!?!?!?!” *glares at rufus*

Rufus: “It’s not too far off.”

Reeve: *flipping through the script completely exasperated* “All I do is hit on you!”

Rufus: “Is that so far from the truth?”

Reeve: “YES!”

Rufus: “No, it’s not. Besides, I had to be politically correct.”

Cid: “$@%$#^$&%^*$&$^%#@%$%&%!!”

Barret: *reading over cids shoulder* “Yo! Why Cid be black?!”

Rufus: “I don’t want to get sued.”

Tseng: “What is this, 1933!? You can’t paint a white guy black!”

Rufus: “Well make-up’s not my area. That’s why Kuja’s here.”

Tseng: “That’s not what I meant.”

Barret: *reading script* “Yo! What da–” *jaw hits ground* “Dis be f***ed up sh*t yo! Why I be dealin’ wit’ an attraction to cat/rat/moo!?”

Rufus: “It makes for an interesting subplot. Besides, he’s an elephant in the movie.”

Red: “I am not an elephant. And I do not wish to be in this movie.”

Rufus: “Don’t make me hire a trainer, or you’ll have to jump for treats, dammit!”

Red: “…….Only if they’re double stuff Oreos.”

Sephiroth: *reading script* “What the…….?!?!” *glares at rufus* “What the HELL is this?!” *reads from script* “Sephiroth is a bumbling dufus who basically repeats the same lame threats over and over again. He also likes to CROSS DRESS?!”

Lark: *snort*

Sephiroth: “What kind of villain is that?!?!?! I REFUSE to be portrayed this way!!!”

Rufus: “You’re not the real villain. And if you don’t want to play yourself, Kuja will do it.”

Kuja: *flips hair over shoulder* “And do it better.”

Sephiroth: “What do you *mean* I’m not the villain??? I’m SEPHIROTH! I can’t be some fool!!!”

Lark: “Who’s the villain?”

(tseng’s reading his script, and he suddenly goes pale)

Tseng: *whimpers*

Reeve: “What’s wrong?”

Tseng: *squeaks* “My character description!”

Reeve: *flips to it and reads* “Tseng is the most evil, horrible person you can possibly imagine. He takes drugs, drinks, hates women and all minorities and often breaks into maniacal laughter. Everyone in the whole movie hates him and wishes he would just die. Which he will. Thankfully.” *looks up*

(everyone in the whole place looks up at rufus, who stands there grinning from ear to ear obviously thinking he’s a self proclaimed genius)

Rufus: “Great, huh?”

Tseng: *bursts out crying*

Lark: “Rufus?! How could you!?!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah! How could you make him worse than me?? *I’m* the evil one!”

Rufus: “What? He just has this *look* that screams ‘hate me’! I had to run with it!”

Tseng: *cries harder*

Rufus: *annoyed sigh* “Why is he crying?”

Sephiroth: “I’ll switch parts with him.”

Rufus: “NO!” *yells at tseng* “That doesn’t look very evil to me! Now hurry up and get to wardrobe so we can film the beating Aeris scene! I don’t want to hear anyone else complaining about their character!”

Rinoa: “Why is my character named ‘Crack Whore’?”

Rufus: *blink* “Isn’t that your name?”

Rinoa: “NO!!! You don’t know my name??”

Rufus: “…Ashley always called you crackwhore…”

Rinoa: “Argh!!! Squall! Make him change it!”

Squall: “Whatever.” *points to script* “Look, Rinoa. We’re married, and you wear a bikini the whole time.”

Rinoa: “What?!?!?”

Rufus: “WARDROBE!!!”

(so everyone goes in for wardrobe. most people just get touched up versions of their normal outfits, with a few exceptions. shell is wearing a much sluttier version of aeris’ dress –if you can believe it–, rinoa is wearing a bikini, of course, zell has on a t-shirt that says ‘i’m with stupid’ with the arrow pointing *up*, lark is in some skimpy piece of lingerie, reeve is wearing a pink ruffly shirt and black leather pants. his hair has also been dyed blonde. tseng is wearing a turk uniform, but it has fake blood all over it, and in makeup he had a scar drawn on his face. rufus is wearing a crown and a fanciful red robe like a king would wear. sephiroth is wearing a pink ballerina skirt over a black leotard and is complaining like there’s no tomorrow…)

Sephiroth: “WHAT THE *HELL* IS THIS?!?!”

Kuja: “Your costume. That outfit is mine, so you had better not ruin it.”

Sephiroth: “I can’t wear this!!!!! Where’s that Shinra!?!?! I’ll kill him!!!” *stomps over to rufus* “SHINRA!!!!!!!!”

Rufus: *is humming god save the king* “What is it now?”

Sephiroth: “LOOK AT ME!”

Rufus: *turns and looks him over* “If you want to hear you’re hot, you better go to someone else in that area.”

Sephiroth: “I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!!!! Let me wear my OWN clothes!”

Rufus: *thinks a minute* “Uh……no.”

Sephiroth: *twitches convulsively* “But, look at ME!”

Rufus: “You don’t like it, Kuja will play your part.”

(sephiroth looks over at where kuja is fighting off hojo)

Sephiroth: *shudders* “That’s just wrong.” *pouts* “I’ll play myself, but I won’t like it. And I want my name in big letters.”

Rufus: “Eleven point font is big.” *he picks up one of those captain hook style hook hands and goes over to tseng* “Here, this is yours.”

Tseng: *gives him a look like ‘what are you crazy’* “You’re kidding.”

Rufus: “No. Here.” *tries to give it to him*

Tseng: *steps away* “I don’t think so.”

Rufus: “What’s the problem?”

Tseng: *gives him an ‘are you kidding me’ look* “Making me the most terrible villain in movie history wasn’t bad enough? I can’t have two hands?!”

Rufus: *blinks* “You’re not the worst.”

Tseng: “Who the hell is worse than me?”

Rufus: “That guy… What’s his name… From Star Wars… Obi-wan Kenobi.”

Tseng: *jaw drops* “What?? He was a *good* guy!”

Rufus: *shocked* “Really?” *mumbles* “Well you couldn’t tell from the way he kept lying to everybody.”

Tseng: “I’m not wearing the hook. End of story.” *stalks off*

Rufus: *looks at the hook* “But this is so cool.” *pause* “Reno!!!” *goes off to find him*

Reeve: *looks himself over* “This doesn’t look like me at all!” *pulls at his hair* “And look at me! I was never meant to be a blonde! I look terrible!!”

Lark: *arms crossed over her chest* “I’ll switch with you! I don’t want to know what kind of character goes around in lingerie the *whole* movie!”

(rude comes over in a shaggy brown wig)

Rude: “Hello.”

Lark: “Rude?” *blinks* “Why did Rufus give you hair?”

Rude: *shudders* “I don’t want to talk about it.”


(so they all go on the set. reno is wearing the hook and having a ball with it. zidane is screwing with the camera. twilight is on sound. opal has the clapboard. hojo is fooling with the lights. kuja is fooling with his hair. nida is putting a substance from a bottle labelled poison into a bottle labelled ‘squall’.)

Rufus: “Okay, I’m going to go over the basics of the movie. First of all, Zidane is doing the camera work.”

Zidane: “This thing is really hard to turn off.” *bangs camera*

Rufus: “Don’t break it!! That’s left over from my wonderful campaign!”

Sephiroth: “You didn’t win.”

Rufus: “I don’t trust any information from a man in a ballerina skirt.”

Sephiroth: *clenches fists* “Grrrr…..”

Rufus: “Anyway, Reno dropped it a couple of times, so it might be a little banged up.”

Reno: *holds a hand over one eye and holds up hook* “Hardy har har! I be the pirate that Lark–“

Lark: “That’s not true!”

Zidane: “Why don’t you just buy a new one?”

Rufus: “Are you kidding? I don’t have money to spare!” *adjusts crown* “This cost me several million, thank you very much.” *clears throat* “On sound, is Twilight.”

Twilight: “Hey, cool! What does this button do? And this one?? And this one??” *starts pushing things*

Rufus: “Don’t break anything!!!” *grumble* “Anyway, Opal has the clapboard.”

Opal: “Scene one, take one, roll ’em!” *giggle* “This is so cool!”

Rufus: “I’m sure you all know by now that Kuja is make-up and wardrobe.”

Kuja: “I’m appalled by the amount of you who didn’t know how to put on lipstick.”

Irvine: “Most of us are *guys*.”

Kuja: “So?”

Rufus: “Hojo is doing our special effects.”

Hojo: “It’ll be fine. I saw a special on the Discovery Channel last night.”

Rufus: “Whatever. Heidegger will be playing Cait Sith.”

Heidegger: *dressed as cait sith* “Gya haa haa! M-phone!” *tries to eat it but takes off 2 hp* “Gya haa haa! Owies!”

Rufus: “Sickening. Scarlet will be leading the Miss Scarlet dancers.”

Scarlet: *smoking a cigarette and taking a swig of gin* “I’m in great shape!” *cough hack*

Rufus: *sweat drop* “Right. And finally, Nida…” *looks over at nida* “What are you doing, Nida?”

Nida: *hides the containers behind his back* “Just watching what a great job you’re doing!” *grin* “Uh.. I’d give you a thumbs up, but um…my hands got…uh…chopped off.”

Rufus: “…Uh…okay. Let’s go over the basics of the script. Are there any questions?”

Irvine: “I’ve got one. I read through this, and why does everyone talk about how they’re jealous of you at least once?”

Rufus: “…Um…because they are. Anything else?”

Lark: “I think this thirty-minute scene when the girls talk about how hot you are is kind of pointless.”

Rufus: “No it’s not! It’s the most important scene!”

Lark: *blinks* “How’s that?”

Rufus: *giving a ‘well duh’ look* “Because I’m *hot*.” *looks at reeve* “Right, Reeve?”

Reeve: “Stop talking about it like I really find you attractive!”

Tseng: “I want to talk about how you’re not *anything* in real life like you are in this movie.”

Rufus: *quickly* “Sure I am. Next!”

Zell: “Why do I have a ten minute make out scene with a jelleye???”

Everyone: “Ew!!!”

Rufus: “If it’s any consolation, you’re not supposed to enjoy it that much.”

Zell: *flips out* “THAT MUCH?!”

Elena: “Um, Rufus, why does every girl in the movie basically fan over you the whole time?”

Rufus: “Well that’s a stupid question. Anything else?”

Everyone: “………..”

Rufus: “Great! Let’s get started! We’ll film the Aeris beating scene first. Shell! Tseng! Get over here, NOW!”

(shell and tseng come over. tseng doesn’t look really happy)

Shell: “You don’t look too happy.”

Tseng: “I’m not.”

Shell: “You did hit Aeris in the game.”

Tseng: “I had to! It was my job! I didn’t want to! Really I didn’t!”

Rufus: *through a megaphone as he sits in his directors chair* “Save it for the therapist! We have a scene to shoot!”

Tseng: *hangs head*

Shell: “Why don’t you just quit the movie?”

Tseng: “‘Cause he’ll kill me.”

Rufus: “Hurry up!!! We have the ‘Rufus gives the orphans presents’ scene to shoot next!”

Shell: *blinks* “Seems like a drastic change to me.”

Tseng: “Ya think?”

(several scenes…later…)

Rufus: “Okay, we’re going to film the first scene now. Where are my slaves?” *claps hands*

(the turks and reeve walk over, dragging their shoulders)

Reeve: “Rufus, I don’t understand why we confess everything directly to the camera. It’s really stupid.”

Rufus: “You’re stupid.”

Reeve: “No I’m not.”

Rufus: “Shut up and get in a damn line!”

(they do so.)

Rufus: “Is the camera rolling, Zidane?”

Zidane: “It’s always rolling.”

Rufus: “Great! Let’s shoot this scene!”

Opal: *gets in front of the camera with the clapboard* “Scene one, take one, roll ’em!”

(she scampers off and the lights come up on the downcast group of reno, rude, elena, tseng and reeve. there’s a large throne in the background, shaded in darkness)

Reno: “Hi, my name is Reno, and I’m an alcoholic. I was a deaf and blind orphan who was near death because no one wanted me. But Rufus took me in and healed me with his wondrous powers. I’m in his debt now, and will do whatever he asks of me. I love Rufus very, very much.”

Sephiroth: *off camera* “Ugh, just hearing him say that makes me sick.”

Rude: “My name is Rude, and I’m a jealous jerkoff. I want to be like Rufus but I can’t because I’m ugly and stupid. I want to be like Rufus so very much.”

Shell: *off camera* “Hey! Rude’s not ugly!”

Elena: “I’m Elena. Tee hee!” *twirls hair around her finger* “I’m in love with Rufus! We had an affair and I want him back *so* much because he is *so* hot. He’s the hottest guy alive. The hottest guy dead too.”

Irvine: *off camera* “That was a stupid line.”

Vincent: *off camera* “Well, she is playing a bimbo.”

Tseng: *sigh* “Hello, I’m Tseng, the evil and twisted. I hate everyone. Everyone should die but me. I hate Rufus because he’s so cool. Since I can’t be like him, because I’m an insignificant jerk off who should just drop dead, I might as well try and destroy him. Boy I’m a jerk. I’m a big, stupid jerk. Everyone in the audience should hate me already.”

Lark: *off camera* “Poor Tseng.”

Sephiroth: *off camera* “Tell me about it. And does Rufus know any words besides ‘jerk’?”

Reeve: “My name is Reeve, and I just think Rufus is the hottest thing alive. He’s just so fabulous. And I just love the way he dresses. And even though he loves all people, I don’t think even he can love me that way.” *pause* “What?! You’re a homophobic jerk!”

Rufus: “Cut!” *sigh* “I’ll have to edit that out later.”

Zidane: “Good luck with that.”

Rufus: “Okay, let’s pick up where we left off.”

(and so they do. twilight enters the sound of trumpet fare, and several of the other characters rush onto the scene)

Quistis: “Oh look at that Rufus!! He’s so hot! I’m his number one fan!!”

Zell: “FF8 sucks! Go Rufus!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Kitty cat!” *tries to eat his tail*

Rinoa: “Oh, that Rufus is *so* hot. I want him *so* bad.”

Squall: “Even though we’re married, Rinoa, I can’t blame you. That Rufus is one damned handsome guy.”

Irvine: “Maybe he’ll heal me of the syphilis I’m slowly dying of, even if I’m nothing but a dirty SOB.”

Selphie: “Tee hee! Go Rufus! FF8 land should blow to smithereens compared to the place where Rufus lives!”

Cid: “#$%%^#%^$&@!!”

Barret: “Yo! You said it, brother! Dat Rufus is almost as hot as dis here elephant!” *shudder*

Red: “I want a peanut.”

Tifa: “Who wants Cloud when there’s *Rufus*?! His hair is just naturally wonderful!”

Yuffie: “I’ll gladly give Rufus *all* my materia!”

Cloud: *totally drunk* “Who cares what Rufus wants to do? He’s so great, we’ll let him take over everything!”

Vincent: “Hm.”

Shell: “Tee hee! Rufus is better than even the Ancients!”

Kiros: “Ward says Rufus is the best thing ever. And I say so too!”

Ward: *big smile*

Laguna: “I should just hand over Esthar to Rufus because he’s so dod derned great!”

Lark: “I hope Rufus will marry *me*! I just know there’s much, much more to him than his *money*!” *wink*

Sephiroth: *trips into the middle* “Hey, hey, everyone! It’s me, Sephiroth! Who wants to see my sissy ballerina dance??”

Everyone: “Boo!! Move it, jerk! The great RUFUS is coming!”

Sephiroth: “Oh boy! Then this must be the best day ever!”

(he gets out of the center and then rufus comes walking down the street, in his cape and crown, tossing coins into the crowd)

Rufus: “I love you all. Love and peace!”

(the turks and reeve come up behind rufus)

Elena: “We love you so much, Rufus.”

Reno: “It’s okay that you don’t pay us.”

Reeve: “We’re happy to work for you just out of religious reverence.”

Rufus: “Oh, you all flatter me. I’m really not that great.”

Everyone: “Yes you are!”

Rufus: “Oh, fine, maybe I am. But I can’t help it! I’m just so wonderful!” *big smile* “Okay, cut. That was great everyone!”

Everyone: *glares at rufus*

Rufus: *blinks* “What?”


Rufus: “Uh…I…”

Irvine: “I’m dying of syphilis and call myself a ‘dirty SOB’ REPEATEDLY?!?!”

Girls: “I feel so cheap!”

Red: “I really do not like peanuts.”

Tseng: “I need a crying break.” *runs off crying*

Reeve: “I really think this is the worst movie ever! Worst than The Nutty Professor 2!”

Rufus: “Hey, the truth hurts, people. But someone had to write it.”

Everyone: “THE *TRUTH*!?”

Rinoa: “You don’t even bother to explain how FF8 got to FF7 land in the first place!”

Rufus: “That’s not important.”

Rude: “Can I take this wig off now? It itches.”

Rufus: “No, Rude. It has to stay on. The camera doesn’t like your face.”

Rude: *hangs head*

Sephiroth: “I refuse to be portrayed this way! I quit!”

Rufus: “Fine. KUJA!”

Sephiroth: “Fine!! No, no, no. I’ll do it! I’ll do it!”

Rufus: “Fine. Go get your ballerina shoes.”

Sephiroth: *goes off mumbling unhappily*

Rufus: “Where’s Vincent?”

Reeve: “How come Vincent got the best line in the first scene?”

Rufus: “All he said was ‘hm’.”

Reeve: “Yeah. That was the best line!”

Rufus: “Shut up, Reeve. Where is he?”

Vincent: “You called for me?”

Rufus: “Yeah.” *reaches into his pocket and takes out vampire fangs* “These are for you.”

Vincent: *blinks* “Why?”

Rufus: “Why you’re a vampire, of course! It’s the science fiction part of the movie.”

Vincent: “….Wouldn’t that be more like horror?”

Rufus: “No!” *shoves it into his hand* “Now put it on!”

Vincent: “I’m not really a vampire, you know.”

Rufus: “Right. Sure you’re not.” *looks around* “Now where’s Tseng?”

Reeve: “He went off to cry.”

Rufus: “Oh please! Why?”

Reeve: *taps foot*

Rufus: “Don’t give me that look like I should know!” *loudly* “Okay, everyone, next we’re going to film the scene where everyone talks about how I’m the greatest guy in the world!”

Everyone: *groans*


(later, in the ramble room, we have Noelle, Ashley, Katie and Lizzie sitting around, looking bored.)

Ashley: “Where the hell is everyone!?”

Noelle: “I know! There really is *no one* around!”

Lizzie: “I bet Lark left us out of something cool.”

Noelle: “Yeah, what else is new?”

Katie: “Does anyone want any of my pet bunnies?”

Lizzie: “No thanks.”

Katie: “Please? I really have more than I need.”

Girls: *blink*

(then a crowd of people walk by the ramble room, looking tired and annoyed. tseng is sobbing. all the girls just kind of watch in shock. lastly, lark enters the room)

Ashley: “What was *that* all about?”

Lark: “You don’t wanna know.”

Noelle: “Yes we do.”

Lark: “……..Rufus is making a movie.”

Girls: “What?!”

Lizzie: “What kind of movie?”

Katie: “I wanna be in it!”

Lark: “Trust me. You don’t.”

Ashley: “Are you in it?”

Lark: “Unfortunately.”

Noelle: “You….really don’t look happy.”

Lark: “The only one who’s happy with the movie is Rufus.” *pause* “And maybe Shell. She did get her own dressing room.”

Ashley: “She’s in it too??”

Lark: “Unfortunately.”

Lizzie: “What is the movie about?”

Lark: “You got me there.”

Katie: “Well are we gonna at least get to see it?”

Lark: “I’m sorry to say you are.”

Noelle: “What’s so bad about it?”

Lark: *shudders* “I have to go… I’ll see you later.” *she leaves*

Lizzie: “She looked….disturbed.”

Katie: “Maybe she could use a bunny to cheer her up!”

Girls: *give her a weird look*

Katie: “I *really* have to get rid of them, okay??”


(the next day, back at the filming…)

Zidane: “Rufus, I really think you need to replace this camera.”

Rufus: “Why?”

Zidane: “Because it won’t shut off. Whatever is going on in front of it between takes is getting recorded.”

Rufus: “Great! I can make an outtakes movie!”

Zidane: “Rufus!”

(but rufus just walks away. twilight seems to be fooling around with the coffee in the back. irvine is talking with squall)

Irvine: “I thought me and Rufus were pretty good friends, but I guess not!! I mean, at the end we all kill ourselves and I have syphilis!!! Syphilis, Squall! I mean there’s a cure for that now!”

Squall: “Whatever. Nida’s trying to kill me.”

(we see nida in the back, laughing evilly and pouring more stuff from the poison bottle in the bottle labelled squall)

Irvine: “I am *not* a dirty SOB either! I mean, geez! All my lines revolve around either bashing myself senselessly or talking about how great Rufus is!”

Squall: “Me too.”

Irvine: “And Lark has the most lines out of all of us. She’s not even an FF character!”

Squall: *mutters* “Wonder why *that* is…” *raises eyebrows*

Irvine: “No… She’s not sleeping with Rufus. She’s going out with Sephiroth!”

Squall: “It’s *just* an idea…”

(cut to wardrobe where sephiroth is getting his hair braided. he is also getting flowers put in it)

Sephiroth: “Do the damn flowers have to be pink?”

Kuja: “Yes. It’s going to match your eyeshadow.”

Sephiroth: “I hate my life.” *puts his head in his hands*

(vincent comes over, wearing his vampire fangs. there so bulky that when he talks you can’t understand a word he says)

Vincent: *says something incomprehensible*

Sephiroth: “What?”

Vincent: *says it again*

Sephiroth: “I can’t understand you! Take those things out of your mouth.”

Vincent: *he does so* “I was just saying that I do not like my part, my angel.”

Sephiroth: “Well join the friggen club!” *glares at kuja* “No! Not baby’s breath!”

Kuja: “It’ll bring out your more feminine features.”

Sephiroth: “My WHAT?!”

(lark comes in, hands crossed over her chest again)

Lark: *teeth chatter* “Is it just me or is it cold in here?”

Vincent: “Perhaps if…you had more of a costume, you would not be as cold.”

Lark: “No sh*t!”

Vincent: *blink*

Lark: “Sorry. It’s just that this movie idea, was a really BAD one.”

Rufus’ voice: *through a megaphone* “EVERYONE GET YOUR ASSES ON THE SET!”

Everyone: *groan*

(everyone gets on the set. shell goes over to rufus.)

Shell: “Rufus, I have a few demands.”

Rufus: “So do I, but you don’t see me acting on them.” *into the megaphone* “GET ON THE SET!”

Shell: “I’ve been thinking, and I’ve decided being in this movie out of the kindness of my heart is not enough.”

Rufus: “I gave you the biggest dressing room.”

Shell: “It’s the *only* dressing room.”

Rufus: “Even better!”

Shell: “It’s not enough. I also want an assistant and my name biggest in the credits.”

Rufus: “Um…how about I just give you the best darn assistant ever, a hundred bucks, and we forget the credits thing.”

Shell: “Fine.”

Rufus: “Good.” *gives shell a hundred bucks* “NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDA!”

(nida comes running over, holding both bottles)

Nida: “You called? Is Squall dead? Is he dead??”

Rufus: “Um….no.” *looks at the two bottles*

Nida: *sweat drops* “Uh….” *hides them both behind his back* “This is a prop.”

Rufus: “Right. Anyway, you’re Shell’s new assistant.”

Shell: “But he’s whiny.”

Nida: *whines* “I am not.”

Shell: “Whatever. You’ll have to do. Let’s go.”

Rufus: “Okay, now that we’re ready to get started…” *looks around* “Didn’t I ask for a cup of coffee?”

Everyone: “….No…”

Rufus: “Well someone get me some!!”

(a few people run off, but it’s eventually twilight who brings the coffee, a guilty grin on his face as he tries not to laugh)

Twilight: “Here ya go.” *snort laugh*

Rufus: “Thanks. Okay, here’s what we have to film today.” *holds up clipboard and takes a sip of coffee and frowns* “This tastes funny.”

Twilight: *snort laugh* “It’s a special blend.”

Rufus: “Oh, I see. You can go back to your booth now.”

(twilight goes off laughing quietly)

Rufus: “Today we have to film the Zell gets his head eaten by a marborlo scene, the grande finale where all the ff8 characters kill themselves because they’re not as cool as me, scarlet’s dance number, tseng’s death scene, the vampire scene, a few rufus rocks scenes, red’s song and dance number where he talks about the many way he wants to eat Barret, and the scene where I’m crowned President of the Universe.” *smile*

Barret: “Yo! Why dat thing wanna eat me? Elephants don’t eat people!”

Rufus: “In this movie they do.”

Seifer: “And why do all us FF8 guys have to die at the end?”

Rufus: *blinks* “Because you’re inferior.”

Seifer: “HEY!” *draws gunblade*

Zell: “I’m still traumatized from my jelleye scene. Do I have to do the marborlo one?”

Rufus: “Yes. It’s the turning point of the movie.”

Zell: “How’s that?”

Rufus: “It just is. Anyone else have anything to say?”

(everyone raises their hand)

Rufus: “Okay, no one. Let’s get started. We’ll start with the dance number. Scarlet and all the girls but Shell front and center!”

(all the girls unhappily come onto the set, wearing rufus cheerleading outfits. scarlet’s smoking.)

Rufus: “You can’t smoke and dance at the same time!”

Scarlet: “Watch me.”

(the music is piped in, and they all start to do this really simple stupid dance that rufus obviously choreographed himself. scarlet is stumbling and trying not to cough. finally she just breaks down wheezing and they all have to stop)

Rufus: “No, no, no! That’s all wrong! It’s step, kick, *step*! Get it right next time! And Scarlet, put that cigarette out!”

Scarlet: *cough hack* “I’m fine.”

(it takes ten takes, but they get it done. scarlet goes offstage to collapse)

Rufus: “Okay! Vampire scene! Vincent and Tseng, get over here.”

(vincent puts his teeth in, and he and tseng go over to rufus. tseng doesn’t look too happy at all.)

Tseng: “What horrible torture do I have to go through now?”

Rufus: *laughs lightly* “Oh please! Vincent’s just going to suck your blood now and leave you half dead!”

Tseng: *sweat drops*

Vincent: “I am not really a vampire.”

Rufus: “Sure you’re not. Okay, let’s go!”

(so tseng lies down and pretends to be asleep. Vincent crawls across the bed and leans over tseng, who ‘wakes up’ and looks shocked)

Tseng: *gasp* “Who are you?”

Vincent: “I am Vincent Valentine.”

Tseng: “You really are a vampire!? I just thought Rufus made that up because he’s a stupid jerk who’s so much cooler than me!”

Vincent: “You fool! Rufus is the smartest man alive! He knows everything!”

Tseng: “Dammit! I should have known! Well, then why are you here?”

Vincent: “I’ve come to drink your blood.”

Tseng: “Why me? Why not Rufus!? Since he’s so great, you should go drink his wonderful blood!”

Vincent: “I don’t need perfect blood. I need bad blood.”

Tseng: “Uh oh. That would be me then. I am terrible and evil. Everyone knows that I should just drop dead.”

Vincent: “I’m not going to kill you. Just almost kill you.”

Tseng: “Oh no…”

(and with that, vincent leans over and bites him on the neck)

Tseng: *leans head back* “Oh– God–!!”

Rufus: “CUT!”

(vincent stops and turns around)

Vincent: “What was wrong with that?”

Rufus: “You were fine. It was Tseng that was wrong!” *crosses arms and taps foot angrily*

Tseng: “What?”

Rufus: “You’re not supposed to enjoy it!”

Tseng: *blushes* “Heh. Oops.”

Rufus: “Do it again!”

(and they start over again)

Vincent: “I’m not going to kill you. Just almost kill you.”

Tseng: “Oh no…”

(vincent leans over to bite him again)

Tseng: *closes his eyes* “Ah…”

Rufus: “CUT!”

Tseng: “What now?”

Rufus: “You were still enjoying it!”

Tseng: “I… Uh…” *shifty eyes*

Rufus: “Do it again!”

(and they do, and vincent leans over to bite him again)

Tseng: *moans softly*

Rufus, Sephiroth, and Reeve: “TSENG!!!!!”

Rufus: “Cut, *again*! Tseng, you skanky slutbag! You’re a terrible actor!”

Tseng: “Aren’t I supposed to be playing myself?”

Rufus: “Of course!”

Tseng: “Well, it feels good!”

Rufus: “You’re not really supposed to be playing yourself! You’re playing my twisted more correct version of you! And if I say you’re not supposed to like it, you’re not supposed to like it!”

Tseng: “This scene is stupid anyway.”

Rufus: “You’re stupid!!” *annoyed sigh* “Fine. We’ll come back to this. Let’s do Red’s music number.”

(and so we see red, decked out in a straw hat with a pink bow tied around it and holding a lollipop with his tail. he has an elephant trunk made of paper and colored in with a magic marker around his face)

Red: “This is more degrading than usual.”

Rufus: “Okay, Red, this is your only time to shine. Do it good! Action!”

(some peppy music starts up, and red starts to sing)

Red: I just wanna eat that jerk Barret!

He looks like a tasty guy!

I could sauté him, fry him, even bake him

Or eat him with a side of fries!

I just don’t really like him.

Not in person anyway

But I know the torture’s worth the wait

Once I have him

On a plate!

I could broil him, steam or barbecue him

I don’t think he’ll really mind!

I could stir fry, scramble or blacken him too

Yum, I know he will taste fine!

For I’m so hungry I could eat a pig,

or a house,

but mostly Barrettttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because that is what an elephant do.

Yeah!” *grin*

(rufus erupts in applause, but everyone else just stands there staring in complete and utter horror, their jaws dropped)

Barret: *chin trembles* “That is some f***ed up sh*t, yo.”

Reeve: “And the grammar wasn’t even right at the end.”

Rufus: “Shut up! You’re all just jealous of my talent!”

Reno: “What talent?”

Rufus: “This….talent!”

Reno: *blinks* “Ya lost me.”

Rufus: “Shut up, Reno. Okay, everyone time for lunch break. When we get back we’re going to film Tseng’s horrible, bloody death scene.”

Tseng: *hanging his head as he walks away* “I’m just going to go *hang* myself in the back now.”

Rufus: *not paying attention* “Yeah, just be back in time.”

(so they all go on lunch break. zidane tries to shut the camera off, and he’s banging on it and everything, but he can’t get it to go off so he just shrugs and goes off to get a sandwich. lots of stuff happens in front of the camera, but we’ll see that later. nida tries to get squall to drink his magic juice, but squall refuses and nida’s back at square one. he goes over to shell quite unhappily. she’s touching up the paint on her nails. rude is standing not to far away, looking depressed)

Shell: “Nida, can you go get Rude for me?”

Nida: *turns to look at rude then back at shell* “Uh, he’s like two steps away.”

Shell: “So, go get him.”

Nida: “Can’t you do it?”

Shell: *turns and gives him a look* “Obviously not.”

Nida: *sigh of annoyance* “Fine.” *turns* “Ru–” *bumps right into rude* “Oh.” *blinks* “There you are.”

Rude: “I heard her. Her voice carries.”

Shell: *loudly* “It does not!!”

Nida: *whines* “Shell, can you get Squall to drink my poison…er….magic juice?”

Shell: “Shut up, Nida. Hey, Rude! Did you hear about Lark?…”

(not too far away, rufus is talking to zidane)

Rufus: “We have to talk about how we’re going to edit this movie.”

Zidane: *blinks* “Um…is that wishful thinking?”

Rufus: “Huh?”

Zidane: “You can’t really edit it. It’s a normal camera. You’re supposed to film baby’s first steps with that thing, not a movie.”

Rufus: *blinks* “There are different kinds of cameras?”

Zidane: “Yes!”

Rufus: *thinks a moment before his face lights up* “Great! I’ll label it “uncut” and “uncensored” and then *everyone* will want to see it!”

Zidane: “I think no one will be *able* to see it.”

(but rufus isn’t listening, and he goes off thinking. opal is standing over with twilight)

Opal: “Are you having fun, Twilight?”

Twilight: “Yeah! This is kick ass!” *blinks* “I just wish I could read the buttons.”

Opal: “You’ll be fine, Twilight.” *pats him on the shoulder*

Rufus: “Okay!! Lunch break is over!!!”

(everyone comes filing back, except tseng. rufus searches the crowd)

Rufus: “Where’s Tseng?”

Sephiroth: “Didn’t he say he was going to go hang himself?”

Rufus: “No!!”

(and then tseng comes back, dragging his shoulders)

Rufus: “What’s wrong with you?”

Tseng: “I couldn’t find any rope.”

Rufus: “Okay, back to shooting. Reeve, I need you front and center. Everyone else get behind the camera.”

(reeve comes over, running a hand through his fake blonde hair. he looks annoyed as rufus presses a small, fancy looking bottle into his hand. he looks at it in confusion and then studies it, eyes widening in shock)

Reeve: “Smells like sex cologne?! For the guy who can’t get any?!” *glares at rufus* “What’s this?”

Rufus: “Product placement. Whoever is watching the movie will see you using it, and want to use it.”

Reeve: “Want kind of audience do you expect for this thing!?”

Rufus: “Now, now, Reeve. Just put it on like the pathetic loser you are.” *walks away*

Reeve: “Hey!! I ‘get more’ than you do!”

Reno: *mumbles* “Not according to the rumors going around about Rufus and Lark.”

Rufus: “Come on, Reeve. I’ve more product placement to do. We have a whole scene coming up where everyone talks about the wonders of Mako!”

Everyone: *groan*

(and they wrap up the filming later that day. everyone looks disgruntled and pissed off, except for rufus, who is practically glowing as he smiles happily. zidane comes over and shoves the camera into his arms)

Zidane: “Good luck.” *stalks off*

Rufus: “You know… I’ve been thinking of changing the rating…”

Reeve: “To what? NOSWTT? For ‘No One Should Watch This Trash’?”

Rufus: *laughs* “No! G!”

Everyone: *jaw drops*

Lark: “Are you kidding?”

Irvine: “I wouldn’t even want my *grandpa* watching what we just did!”

Rufus: *blinks* “Problem?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Ratingly delicious!” *tries to eat script*

(everyone mumbles unhappily and starts to drag themselves off.)

Rufus: “The opening is tomorrow night! I’ve rented a theatre! Everyone dress up and look nice! That’s *nice*, not *trashy*, Scarlet! I’ll see you all at the Oscars!”


(we go to the next night. Noelle, Ashley, Katie and Lizzie are standing outside a movie theatre, all dressed up)

Katie: “This should be fun!”

Ashley: “Did you get rid of those bunnies?”

Katie: *shudder* “No….”

Noelle: “You know, it’s weird, but I can’t get *anyone* to tell me what this movie is about!”

Lizzie: “Me neither! They all shudder and walk away!”

Ashley: “What should we do if it really *does* suck?”

Noelle: “Pretend it doesn’t?”

(rufus sticks his head out the door.)

Rufus: “Okay, everyone! You can all come in now, all the actors and crew are seated! No pushing now, and please present your tickets!”

(the ramble girls exchange looks, get in a line, and file by as rufus rips their tickets)

Rufus: “Enjoy the show.”

(they go inside and rufus scans the outside of the theatre some more. there is *no one* around.)

Rufus: “You don’t know what you’re missing!!!”

(he goes inside and slams the door shut.)


(everyone is seated in the theatre, looking nervous. well, except heidegger. he’s trying to eat the seat in front of him and scarlet’s hair extension)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Fakey!”

Scarlet: “Stop it, you jerk!” *slaps him* “I paid a lot for that horse hair!”

(rufus gets up on stage with a mic and smiles at everyone. only the ramble girls not in the movie smile back)

Rufus: “Welcome everyone, to the first ever screening of Final Fantasy 7 meets Final Fantasy 8 the movie, entitled, The Greatest Story Every Told, subtitled, The Rufus Shinra Story presented *uncensored* and *uncut*. Rated G for all audiences.” *smile*

Ashley: “Uh oh.”

Noelle: “You said it.”

Rufus: “A lot of time and effort was put into this movie, mostly by me, so first and foremost, I’d like to thank myself for being just so wonderful. Okay, enjoy the movie!!”

(he steps off stage and all the people who were in/involved in the movie glare at him)

Tseng: “I don’t think I can make it through this…”

Reeve: “Me neither.”

(the credits start to roll on screen while some epic music plays. the title of the movie flashes on screen, followed by very large letters that say: writer/director/overall cool guy: Rufus Shinra. then everyone else’s name is flashed by in tiny letters)

Zell: “I think I saw my name!”

Squall: “No you didn’t. Unless you’re Superman.”

Zell: *eyes light up* “Cool!! I’m Superman!?”

Squall: *rolls eyes* “Whatever.”

(and so the movie begins, and everyone watches it, looking quite unhappily at the screen, except for rufus, of course, who looks on proudly. and the movie really is really really bad. rufus managed to put the scenes in order but all the outtakes are in there too. the ramble girls look horrified. the music is all screwed up, thanks to twilight, who didn’t know what to push when, and rude, with the exception of the first scene, is always filmed from the back. the whole movie makes no sense, and the whole first half just kind of goes by very slowly like a form of bad torture. every time tseng sees himself on screen he starts to cry, reeve and sephiroth can’t even look at themselves. irvine flinches every time he talks. zell flinches every time he has another unfortunate encounter with some creature. all the girls resent how skanky they look. on the screen we see everyone groveling at rufus’ feet, while the turks and reeve stand in the background. rude has his back to the camera, elena is trying to make herself look like she wants rufus with a half assed attempt. reeve is looking at his watch, and someone has taped a sign to the set in back of tseng that points down to him and reads “Evil”)

Rufus: “You are all welcome here in the land of Mako, where everyone is happy!”

Reno: “I know I am!”

Rude: “I love Mako. …Even if I’m jealous of Rufus.”

Elena: “I love Mako! And Rufus!”

Reeve: “Me too!”

Tseng: “I may hate Rufus….but Mako is good stuff.”

Squall: “Thanks for welcoming us, even if our game sucks.”

Zell: “Yeah, totally! You’re so much cooler!”

Irvine: “I’m a dirty SOB!”

Rufus: “I know. Everyone loves me. That’s why I’m king of the Universe.”

Lark: “And yet you have no heir, Mr. President.”

Rufus: “We’ll take care of that later.”

Lark: “Oh, I’m so honored!”

Lark: *from her seat* “Ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick.”

Rufus: “Go and enjoy yourselves, my ugly and insignificant visitors! And proclaim my greatness to all!”

FF8 characters: “We will!!”

(sephiroth leaps by in the background, a sour expression on his face as he throws flower petals into the air. then the words ‘intermission’ appear on the screen’)

Ashley: “There’s *more*!?”

Lizzie: “That was…..horrific.”

Noelle: “Terrible!”

Katie: “Worst movie ever!”

Rufus: *comes over* “What did you girls think?”

Girls: *fake grins* “Great!”

Rufus: “Help yourselves to refreshments and get ready to enjoy the great second act!” *walks away*

Ashley: “I feel so dirty now.”

Noelle: “Me too…”

(rufus goes over to where coffee and cookies and stuff are laid out.)

Rufus: *looks around* “Where are Reeve and Tseng?”

Vincent: “They ran off crying.”

Rufus: “Ah. Their loss. They’ll miss the cookies!”

(across the theatre, still seated…)

Shell: *turns to rude* “Rude, why was your back to the camera the whole time?”

Rude: *hangs head* “……….”

Shell: “What is it, Rude?”

Rude: “….Rufus said I was so ugly my own mother couldn’t love me.”

Shell *gasp* “That’s not true!!”

Rude: “He also said that if People Magazine made an issue of the 50 *ugliest* people in the world, I would be on the cover.”

Shell: *gasp* “How dare he!!” *turns to twilight and pokes him* “Hey, Twilight.”

Twilight: *annoyed* “What? I’m trying to sleep!”

Shell: “I need you to ‘take care’ of Rufus.” *wink*

Twilight: *looks over where rufus is drinking the coffee* “Consider it done.”

(kuja goes over to sephiroth)

Kuja: “You weren’t wearing your hair piece in that last scene.”

Sephiroth: “There was no way in *hell* I was wearing a daisy crown!! I think the pink *skirt* and the ballet shoes were enough!”

Kuja: *throws hands in the air* “You ruined the whole ensemble!”

Sephiroth: “Get away from me.”

(across the room)

Hojo: “My special effects were great.”

Scarlet: “All you did was make a toy dinosaur attack a building made out of a cardboard box.”

Hojo: “It was high tech.”

Scarlet: “You could see your hand!”

Hojo: “We had no budget!”

(reeve and tseng return, still wiping away the remnants of tears)

Tseng: “I don’t think I can take the next part.”

Lizzie: “Hey, Tseng, why did Rufus make you evil in the movie?”

Tseng: *bursts out crying*

Reeve: “Uh… It’s a touchy subject.” *puts an arm around him and tries to comfort him*

Lizzie: “Oops…sorry.”

Rufus: “Okay, everyone, let’s start again! Take your seats and enjoy the second half!”

Noelle, Ashley, Katie and Lizzie: “I don’t think that’s possible.”

(so the movie starts again, and they watch a few really bad scenes, including all the outtakes from tseng’s vampire scene, of which there were *20*, but then…)

Rufus: *walking in front of the camera* “Okay, lunch time everyone!”

Zidane’s voice: “I can’t shut this off.”

Rufus: “Yes you can.” *walks off*

Zidane’s voice: “Screw this.” *hear footsteps leaving*

(you see nothing for awhile. then we see reno and irvine talking)

Irvine: “You know, have you been wondering how Lark got into the movie to begin with?”

Reno: “Not really. I’ve been thinking about how I can get *out* of the movie.”

Irvine: “Squall says she’s sleeping with Rufus.”

Reno: “You mean as in *currently*?”

Irvine: *nods*

Reno: *laughs* “Ha ha. That’s funny.” *they walk off*

Lark: *from her seat* “It’s not true!”

(then we see scarlet and heidegger wander on)

Heidegger: *squirting cheese wiz into his mouth* “Gya haa haa! Stringy! Like Sir Stringy!”

Scarlet: “Shut up for a minute, Heidegger. I have to tell this to someone, and I’m going to tell you because you’re half brain dead.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! What is it?”

Scarlet: *whispers loudly* “I think… I might be pregnant.”

Whole theatre: *gasps then pauses* “Wait…should we be surprised?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Mistake!”

Scarlet: “Shush! Don’t tell anyone!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Zippy zippy! Gya haa haa!” *they walk off*

Scarlet: *head in her hands* “I knew we shouldn’t have stood there.”

(then reeve and tseng come in front of the screen.)

Tseng: “I hate this movie! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!”

Reeve: *pats him on the shoulder* “Calm down, sweetie. I hate it too. I have to hit on *Rufus*! Do you know how disgusting that is?”

Tseng: “Aw…I’m sorry, Reeve.” *strokes his cheek*

Sephiroth: “Uh oh.”

Lark: *grins and sits up more* “Maybe this movie isn’t a total wash out after all!”

Reno: “Uh…Rufus, did you screen this movie, first?”

Rufus: *goes very pale*

Tseng: “Where did everyone go?”

Reeve: “I guess they all went to get lunch.”

(they just stand there for a minute, then smile, look at each other, and, of course, they grab each other and start going at it)

Sephiroth: “I knew it.”

Lark: “Is this coming out on video?”

Ashley: *covers her eyes* “Oh yeah. Worst movie ever.”

Nida: *covers his eyes* “My virgin eyes!”

Lizzie: “Talk about skipping foreplay…”

Rufus: “They corrupted my movie!” *looks really pale*

Reno: “Still rated ‘G’, huh? Heh heh heh.”

Reeve: *mumbles* “Well I guess everyone knows we’re together now…”

Tseng: *blushes* “In more ways than one.”

(but, of course, that has to end, though some were left impressed, but anyway, after reeve and tseng clear off, rufus comes on, trailed by lark)

Lark: “Have you heard the rumors going around?”

Rufus: *sips coffee* “No…”

Lark: “Everyone is saying I got this part by sleeping with you!”

Rufus: “You would have gotten an even better part if you were!”

Lark: “See! That’s what I keep saying!” *stomps off*

Sephiroth: *turns to lark* “You weren’t paying attention to a thing he said, did you?”

Lark: *sweat drops* “Yeah…that’s it…”

(then the regular movie starts up again. and it all goes by like something about as fun as chemistry class. we get to tseng’s death scene…reeve, reno, elena and rude, with his back to the camera, are standing around him with swords)

Tseng: “No! I swear! I never tried to kill Rufus!”

Reno: “Yes you did!” *holds up paper* “We found your signed confession!”

Tseng: “Dammit! I should have never written that and left it lying around carelessly on the lounge floor!”

Rude: “As jealous as I am of Rufus, he’s too good a man to kill.”

Elena: “He’s the best man ever!”

Reeve: “Admit you tried to kill him.”

Tseng: “Fine! I did it! Only because I was jealous of him being so cute! And cool! And rich! And wonderful! And powerful! And great! And terrific! And nice! And handsome! And naturally blonde! And perfect! And a good dresser! And stupendous! And kind! And sweet! And caring! And giving! And he even smelled nice! It just wasn’t fair!”

Reno: “You have to die now.”

Tseng: “No, please! I must have some reason to live!”

Rude: “No. Everyone hates you.”

Tseng: “What are you going to do?”

Reeve: *voice shaking* “…Cut you into pieces.”

Elena: “Then parade your head about the town square!”

Tseng: “Oh! I’ve brought this upon myself with my horrible evilness!”

Reno: “Asta la vista, baby.”

(and then they pounce on tseng, and as they’re killing him, the song ‘it’s raining men’ is piped in. everyone turns and gives twilight nasty looks)

Twilight: *shrugs* “Oops.”

Tseng: *head in his hands* “Well that’s the end of *any* dignity I had in that movie.”

(and *finally* we get to the end!! and at the end, we see the ff8 characters groveling at rufus’ feet while  reeve, reno, rude and elena stand behind him.)

Squall: “I’m sorry to say this is the end.”

Noelle: “I’m not.”

Zell: “We can’t live anymore knowing we’re so insignificant compared to you!”

Rufus: “I know, it’s a hard thing.”

Quistis: “I can’t take it anymore!”

Selphie: “We have to go kaboom!”

Kiros: “Ward says kill Laguna first.”

Ward: *nods eagerly*

Laguna: “Hey hey! I leave Esthar to you!”

Rinoa: “Our game totally sucks compared to Rufus’.”

Irvine: “Damn straight it does. And I’m a dirty SOB!”

Rufus: “Well, it’s been nice knowing you.”

(the ff8 characters bow and get inside a box that says ‘killing box’. then sephiroth and vincent come in and push it offstage)

Reno: “Maybe they were right.”

Elena: “Yes, Rufus! No one is as good as you are!”

Rufus: “I know, my obedient slaves. But, remember this…” *holds up finger* “If you are gone, who will there be to serve me?”

Rude: “He’s right.”

Reeve: “We exist to serve Rufus, and no one else.”

Rufus: “Now you understand!”

Reno: “Come on, everyone! Let’s go serve Rufus some more!”

Everyone: “Yeah!” *run off happily*

Rufus: *big smile* “It’s hard being me.”

(regal music plays as the words ‘the end’ flash across the screen. then a plain blue screen comes on, and everyone sits there in complete silence)

Rufus: “Well…what did everyone think?”

(everyone mumbles stuff, either disgustedly or just plain unhappily and they all get up and leave the theatre, leaving rufus alone)

Rufus: *big grin* “Just as I thought! Speechless!!”



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