#88 – And Now a Word From Our Sponsors

Barret: “Yo! Put dat Ebonics one on, foo! Dat there’s da useful sh*t!”

Originally Published: 5/29/01 . 16 pages

Believe it or not, Sephiroth dreams in commercials!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I used the puppy/sleeping pill ad again!? I just used it in the last ramble. God, at least wait awhile before you rip yourself off. Shell gave me this idea, and I wrote it in a day. Maybe that’s why it’s not that funny. Most of the commercials parodied here were ads running on TV at the time. I especially remember the Oreos ad, which featured some kid spilling tons of milk as they carried their cup and cookies. I hated that commercial. If I had to pick a favorite, I guess it would be the one for Yummy Flakes, which is, of course, a parody of Fruity Pebbles. Barney was always stealing the cereal. They only got along on Christmas – hence Zell’s line.

(sephiroth and lark are in bed. lark is asleep and sephiroth is flipping channels, looking bored. sephiroth yawns)

Sephiroth: “It’s been said before, and I’ll say it again. 100 channels and nothing on.”

(with a sigh he shuts it off and settles down to sleep with his arms around lark. we now get dream lines~~~~~~~~~whee, those are fun. anyway, sephiroth sees himself at a computer screen where he’s online and at monster.com)

Sephiroth: “This is perfect. These monsters are just what I need to take over the world! Mwa haa haa! They’ll scare everyone and I’ll achieve world domination! And then I will *finally* be able to become one with the planet! Mwa haa haa!”

(he clicks on a couple of things and his smile turns to a frown)

Sephiroth: “They make this so confusing. Where do I get my monsters? And do I get to pick what kind I want? Because I don’t want any wussy monsters. Dracula is not going to do me any good.”

(he clicks a few more things and ponders)

Sephiroth: “They want my resume? Why?” *pause* “I suppose they want to ascertain if I am worthy of the monsters or not. Well of course I am!”

(he takes out a pencil and a piece of paper and excitedly writes down a bunch of stuff, glancing up at the screen from time to time)

Sephiroth: “Now I’ll get someone to look this over before I type it.” *yells* “VINCENT!”

Vincent: *pokes his head in* “Yes, my angel?”

Sephiroth: “Read this.” *shoves it into his hands*

Vincent: *reading* “My resume. By Sephiroth, the dark and powerful lord of the planet. Over twenty years experience in killing people. Unsuccessful ploy to become one with the planet that almost worked. Sword expert. Can think of many interesting and creative ways to kill people. Plans for the future: To use my monsters to take over the planet.” *looks up* “This really isn’t a resume, my angel. And where exactly are you planning to get monsters?”

Sephiroth: “Duh, Vincent! Monster.com! Isn’t it great? I saw a commercial for it on tv!”

(he turns and starts to excitedly type all his stuff in)

Vincent: “Angel… I don’t think…”

Sephiroth: “Quiet, and help me fill in the rest.” *pause* “Okay, let’s see. Name, Sephiroth. Last name….uh…don’t have one. Middle Initial….” *blinks* “Do I have a middle name?”

Vincent: “I do not think so.”

Sephiroth: “Birth date, classified. Age…..21.”

Vincent: “Angel, you are nowhere near 21.”

Sephiroth: “But that’s how old I look! See, I’m using your philosophy. You’re 27, I’m 21, and everyone’s happy.”

Vincent: “Angel, you’re 38.”

Sephiroth: “Shush!!! I am not!!” *back to the computer screen* “Parents? Ugh, this is hard. Can’t I put you down, Vincent?”

Vincent: “Angel, that’s disgusting.”

Sephiroth: “Oh, like they’re going to know.” *types* “Vincent Valentine and Jenova.”

Vincent: “Angel, Jenova isn’t really–“

Sephiroth: “Hometown.” *blink* “I…don’t know. Current occupation…other.” *smiles* “There, all done.”

Vincent: “You’ve left a lot of blanks, angel.”

Sephiroth: “Well they shouldn’t ask things about me that I don’t know.”

(he clicks the send button and a message comes up that says process will take 3-6 weeks)

Sephiroth: *whines* “3 to 6 weeks!! But I want my monsters now!”

Vincent: *sigh*

Voiceover: “Monster.com. We don’t sell real monsters.”

Sephiroth: “What the—that’s false advertising!”


(we see a darkened room, and tseng asleep in bed. by the bed is a huge basket filled with puppies and they’re all crying and making a scene. reeve walks past them all bleary eyed.)

Puppy 1: “We can’t sleep!”

Puppy 2: “We can’t breathe!”

Puppy 3: “Get us another basket!”

Voiceover: “Something keeping you up at night?”

Reeve: “Damn puppies! Shut up! I have a big meeting tomorrow! Rufus wants me to present my plans for his new jacuzzi house!”

Puppies: “Snuggles is getting squished!!”

Reeve: *hand to his head* “Grrr!! I can’t take this!!”

Voiceover: “Then try E-Z Sleep. One pill, and you’re out like a light.”

(we see reeve go into the bathroom, get a glass of water, and take the pill. then he stumbles back into bed where he immediately falls asleep)

Puppies: *whine and cry*

Reeve: *snore*

Puppies: “Help!! HELP!!!”

Voiceover: “E-Z Sleep. For when those damn puppies just won’t shut up.”


Twilight: “Hi, I’m Twilight, and hooked on phonics worked for me! I couldn’t read for crap beforehand, and now I’m even reading real live books!”

(we see twilight happily watching a video aimed at five year olds)

Twilight’s voice: “I love the videos…”

(now we see him playing a game with opal, and happily moving his piece ahead)

Twilight’s voice: “And the game!”

(he takes a card and reads it)

Twilight: “Uh…” *shifty eyes* “Jan and John went to the mall. Whoo hoo! I got it right!” *puts his card back in the pile and happily moves ahead*

Opal: *picks up the card and reads it* “Twilight, this says ‘spot can run fast’! You’re cheating!”

Twilight: *sweat drops* “Uh oh.”

(it switches to a shot of twilight at a chalkboard, where he has just finished writing ‘hoocted on foniks’)

Twilight: *turns around with a smile* “So as you can see, hooked on phonics worked for me! Call 1-800-ABCDEFG!” *proudly* “Thanks to that number, I know a good chunk of the alphabet!”


Voiceover: “Are you worried about being stranded without help in your old age?”

Hojo: *shrug*

Voiceover: “Then get ‘medic alert’. Just press the button if you’re in trouble, and we’ll send a rescue team to help you out.”

Hojo: “Like I need–” *slips and falls on his back. he tries to get up but can’t* “Oh, the irony!” *presses the medic alert thing* “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

(cut to the medic alert place where scarlet sits, feet up on the desk, filing her nails)

Scarlet: “It’s that jerk Hojo calling again.”

Nida: “Yeah! He made fun of us! Let’s not help him this time!”

(cut back to hojo who’s obviously in extreme pain on the floor)

Hojo: “….Help?”

Voiceover: “Medic Alert. Always get the help you need.”


(we see tseng in front of the camera holding something that looks like the club called ‘the rufus’.)

Tseng: “Shinra Inc. is proud to present to you it’s finest product yet. The Rufus. Don’t be fooled by imitation brands. The Rufus is the only one *guaranteed* to protect your car at all costs.”

(he goes over to the car behind him and opens the door, installing the rufus just like the club)

Tseng: “The Rufus attaches right to your steering wheel, making it impossible for a thief to steal your car. Even a team of professionals can’t steal a car protected by The Rufus.”

(the turks come in. reno glances through the window and nods. the elena get the door opens. in two seconds rude gets in the car, gets the rufus off the steering wheel and starts it)

Elena: “Whoo hoo! Turks rock!” *high fives reno*

Tseng: *runs over* “No, you guys! You weren’t supposed to break in! You were supposed to pretend you couldn’t!”

Reno: *blinks* “But it was so easy. We did it in two seconds.”

Tseng: “I know, but this is a commercial *for* The Rufus, and we’re supposed to show how it’s impenetrable!”

Rude: *snaps the rufus in half*

Reno: *examines the inside* “It looks like a stick from a maple tree covered in a thin coat of cheap plastic.”

Tseng: *hand to his head*

Rude: “….Let’s just take the car.”

Reno: “Cool! Let’s go crusin’!”

(he and elena hop in)

Elena: “Come on, Tseng!”

Tseng: *hand still to his head* “I am *so* fired.” *he pauses a moment and then looks up smiling* “Fired! Great!” *he gets in* “Step on it, man!”

(and as the car pulls away we hear the voiceover)

Voiceover: “The Rufus. Because if you can trust Rufus, you can trust his products.”


(we see the turks again, and now they’re fighting a gang of some sort. reno gets stabbed in the stomach.)

Reno: “Ow!”

(the gang runs off)

Tseng: “We’ll take care of them. Get Reno to the hospital, Rude!”

(he and elena run off)

Rude: “Hard day.”

Reno: “Damn straight. How about we work off the stress with a Hard Lemonade?”

Rude: “But you have a knife in your gut.”

Reno: *shrugs* “It don’t hurt much.”

Rude: “You’re bleeding everywhere. You really should go to the hospital.”

Reno: “I’ll walk it off.” *grins* “Now how about that Hard Lemonade?”

Rude: *shrugs* “Why not?”

(they walk off and we hear the voiceover)

Voiceover: “Hard Lemonade: It’s so good it makes you forget about everything–even before you’re drunk!”


(the mentos theme song starts to play, and we see irvine at a beach with lots of hot chicks walking around. he looks thoughtful, like he can’t decide which one he wants. finally he spots the group of ramble chicks standing together and his face lights up. he takes a rope off his belt, makes a lasso, and throws it. it goes over the girls, and he pulls them in. the girls give him annoyed looks until he pulls out a package of mentos, holds it up to the camera, and then pops one in his mouth. then the girls smile and give him that ‘that’s okay’ look. then they all happily jump him and try to make out with him, and across the bottom you see ‘Mentos: The fresh maker’)


(we are next taken to a bright and airy kitchen. on the counter is heidegger’s head, which is surrounded by a toaster.)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Pop tarts are yummy!”

(a very reluctant nida comes over holding a box of pop tarts)

Nida: “Ew… This is sick.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Feed me pop tarts!”

Nida: “You’re not supposed to eat them!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! They’re magically delicious!”

Nida: “That’s Lucky Charms, you ass!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Strawberryily!”

Nida: “That’s not even a word!”

(he drops the box of pop tarts and runs)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Boxy!”

(he sticks out his tongue and tries to reach the box but it’s way too far away. yet he continues to try)

Voiceover: “Pop tarts: even the box is magically delicious.”


Scarlet: “Hello, everyone. Scarlet here with the new Weight Watchers diet. Well….my idea of what it should be. It might be expensive, but hey, that’s the government’s fault. I like to call it, Smoke Your Way to Slimness!” *takes out and lights a cigarette* “And all you need to do, is smoke a pack a day! I’ve been smoking *2* and look how thin I am!” *camera pans over her* “And just look at this successful test case!”

(shows a before and after picture. heidegger is before. hojo is after)

Scarlet: “What a difference!”

Nida: *off camera* “That’s not even the same person, ass!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, jerk!!” *smiles at camera* “Sure, I’ll probably die of lung cancer, but until then I’ll look great! Besides, it’s either that or the syphilis! So forget those weight drinks and pills that might kill ya. Take something that’s guaranteed to make your health suffer!” *she takes a puff and starts hacking*


Voiceover: “For your anniversary…give her something she’ll treasure.”

(shows kuja wearing a diamond necklace. he flips his hair over his shoulder)

Kuja: “Anniversary? Please. I want some diamonds every day. I don’t need a special occasion.”

(we see all the losers in loser land, except hojo. he enters through the door holding a diamond necklace)

Hojo: “Oh, my pet! Look what I have for you!”

Kuja: *eyes light up* “Is that for me?”

Hojo: “It certainly is. Come with me and you’ll get it.”

(he goes off to his room, and kuja eagerly follows. there’s a moment of silence)

Nida: “….Did anyone else notice he’s basically a whore?”

Scarlet and Heidegger: *blink*

Voiceover: “Because no matter what disgusting way you have to get them, a diamond is forever.”


Voiceover: “Look, kids! It’s skip it! The fun toy you spin around your ankle!”

(red trips on, a skip around each of his 4 ankles)

Red: “This is impossible. I cannot use 4 skip its at the same time. In fact, I cannot even use one. I am not designed for this type of toy.” *trips* “Oh, my life is a living hell.”

(barret and cid come in twirling the skip its around their ankles)

Barret: “Yo! Dis sho’ beats whoopin’ Shinra’s ass!”

Cid: “@$#%#$^$^%&^%*&@!” *falls on his face*

Barret: “Les see how many times I went around on dis here counter!” *he takes it off and looks at the counter* “2?? I ain’t done no two! Dat was more like 200! Where we get this bootleg crap!? Dis counter don’t work!”

Cid: “$%$#^$&^%*^%^*&$^#^@#^%^&*$$^#$^#$&%^*&%&%&*$%*$!”

Barret: “Yo! You be right, Cid! Only Shinra’d make crap like dis! Let’s get ’em!”

(they run off)

Red: *sigh* “…I wish I could have fun.”

Voiceover: “Skip its: fun for everyone, except cat/rat/moos.”


Voiceover: “Do you often feel depressed?”

(shot of vincent lying in his coffin)

Vincent: “My angel doesn’t love me.”

Voiceover: “Do you avoid social situations?”

(shot of a big party that has a banner that says ‘happy birthday vincent’ across the back)

Lark: “Where’s Vincent?”

(shot of vincent’s coffin–closed)

Voiceover: “Then you need prozac, the drug guaranteed to make you so happy you’ll be bouncing off the walls!”

(vincent walks into his birthday party with the fakest smile spread across his face. it’s so fake it looks like it’s painted on)

Everyone: “Happy birthday, Vincent!”

Vincent: *sounds like a robot* “Oh, I am so happy. Hooray for everything. There are no nightmares with Prozac.”

Voiceover: “Prozac. We’ll make you happy if it kills us.”


Voiceover: “Does your teen avoid you?”

(laguna opens the door and comes in, dropping his briefcase)

Laguna: “Hey hey! Son! I’m home!” *pause. the house is dead quiet* “Squall?”

Voiceover: “Does he always answer you with one word?”

(cut to them at dinner. squall is sulking, resting his face in his hands.)

Laguna: “Did you have fun at school today, son?”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Voiceover: “Then your kid probably just doesn’t like you. But we have a pill that cures that now! It’s called Happyigin, and it’s guaranteed to make your kid love you!”

(laguna comes home again)

Laguna: “Son! I’m home!!”

(squall comes running down the steps and tackles laguna to the ground)

Laguna: “Umph!”

Squall: “Dad! I’m so glad you’re home! I love you so much!”

Laguna: *pats him on the back* “That’s great, son!” *pause* “…You can get off me now.”

(as we hear the voiceover we see laguna running around trying to shake squall off him)

Voiceover: “Happyigin. Your child will never want to leave your side again.”


(a happy theme song plays. we see a cartoon seifer sitting in a happy little house with a sun in the sky with a smiley face and all. he’s holding a box of cereal called ‘Yummy Flakes’)

Seifer: “I’ll just add milk and then I’ll be able to enjoy my nutritious breakfast of Yummy Flakes!”

(he gets up to get milk, and then a cartoon zell sneaks in and goes over to the box, grabs it, and runs off)

Seifer: *turns around and gasps* “My Yummy Flakes!”

(he looks up to see zell eating handfuls out the window)

Seifer: “Hey!”

Zell: *mouth full* “Uh oh.”

(zell takes off, and seifer grabs his gunblade and follows. he manages to catch up to zell and grab him by the collar and lift him off the ground)

Seifer: “You stole my Yummy Flakes!”

Zell: “Can’t we share?”

Seifer: “No! Now you must pay!”

(he starts beating zell with his gunblade)

Zell: “Ow!! But it’s Christmas!”

Seifer: “DIE!”

(we cut to the ground where we see a beaten up box of yummy flakes and hear screaming in the background)

Voiceover: “Yummy Flakes. They’re so good they make you crazy!”


(we see cloud at the top of a large set of concrete steps. in his arms are four huge glasses, poured to the brim with milk, and a box of oreos. he starts walking down the steps, and milk is going everywhere, and running down the steps. there is so much milk that it can’t possibly be just coming from the glasses. cloud’s struggling to stay on his feet and hold all that stuff in his hands while this like river of milk flows down the steps. and just as he gets to the last step, he falls flat on the face, knocking out the rest of the milk from the glasses)

Cloud: “…Owie.”

Yuffie’s voice: “Cloud!! Where are my oreos?!?!”


Voiceover: “Do you do the Dew?”

Zidane: *blinks* “Please don’t make me drink that stuff.”

Voiceover: “You have to drink it. It’s a Mountain Dew commercial.”

Zidane: *shakes head no*

Voiceover: “Why not?”

Zidane: “It’ll screw up my stuff, if you know what I mean.”

Voiceover: “What stuff?”

Zidane: *sighs and puts a hand to his head* “I just can’t drink it, okay??”

Voiceover: “No one’s gonna wanna drink it if you don’t!”

(zidane just walks off the set)

Voiceover: “Uh…Mountain Dew. It’s good. Really.”


Quistis: “Quistis here for Toyota. And boy do they have nice cars!” *eyes one* “Oh yes, very nice. And their prices are a steal!” *pats the window where the price is displayed* “Yup…real…good…”

(in a flash, she’s in the car, has started it, and is driving off, breaking half the set in the process)

Director: “Uh….she’s fired.”


Rufus: *smile* “Hello, everyone, and welcome to Rufus’ Man’s Warehouse, where you can dress just like me!!”

(the camera pans over the whole place, and all you see is rufus’ clothes)

Rufus: “Just look at these satisfied customers!”

(we see tseng standing in front of a mirror, dressed in rufus’ outfit)

Tseng: “This looks terrible on me.”

Rufus: “No it doesn’t.”

Tseng: “And look, it’s falling apart.” *the sleeve falls off*

Rufus: “It’s….uh…rustic.”

Tseng: “It’s a piece of cheap crap.” *another sleeve falls off and he gives rufus a look*

Rufus: “It’s…um….a fixer-upper.”

Tseng: “You really are a cheap bastard.”

Rufus: “Those clothes aren’t for you anyway. They’re for real men.”

Tseng: “Hey!” *glares*

Rufus: “Say you like the outfit.”

Tseng: “No!”

Rufus: “Say you like the outfit or I’ll call in the Turks!”

Tseng: “I *am* a Turk!”

Rufus: *blinks* “Right. Uh…” *turns and smiles at the camera* “Rufus’ Man’s Warehouse. Everyday low prices, and quality merchandise.”

Tseng: “And a big fat lying owner!”

Rufus: *smile fades and he turns angrily to tseng* “Okay, that’s *it*, Tseng!!!”


Voiceover: “Children all over the world are enjoying Muffy, the program that teaches children foreign languages!”

(we see twilight, zell, cloud and barret sitting around watching cartoon characters speaking german)

Barret: “Yo! Dis show ain’t no good! Change da station!”

Cloud: *scratches head*

Zell: “I don’t get it…”

Twilight: “They should have one with the Twilight Language!”

Zell: “There is no Twilight language.”

Twilight: “I should make one up!”

Barret: “Yo! Put dat Ebonics one on, foo! Dat there’s da useful sh*t!”

Voiceover: “Muffy. Now available in French, Spanish, Italian, German and Ebonics.”


(and his dream ends, and sephiroth wakes up looking totally weirded out. he looks over and sees lark is still sleeping. then his eye is caught by the computer across the room, which has the screensaver on. he gets out of bed and tiptoes over, taking off the screen saver and bringing up a browser. he types in ‘monster.com’ while looking over his shoulder to make sure lark’s still asleep. when he turns back the page has come up and he frowns)

Sephiroth: *quietly* “I was right. It was false advertising.”


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