#85 – Reeve Wants To Be The Weakest Hollywood Fortune Survivor

Reeve: *grabs seph and shakes him desperately* “You have to let me wake up! I don’t want to be on this show! They’ll kill me! I can barely use a paperclip!”

Originally Published: 4/20/01 . 29 pages

Synopsis
Reeve thinks he’d be great on a TV game show, but how will he do on a slew of reality and game shows? His subconscious is about to show him!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

Hey – 2001 called. They want their reality shows back. Actually, of the shows featured in this ramble (Fear, Jeopardy, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Weakest Link, Big Brother, Survivor, Temptation Island, Wheel of Fortune, Hollywood Squares and Boot Camp), most of them are still on the air in some capacity. I’ve watched many of the shows I used at least once, but I had never seen Temptation Island or Boot Camp. (And I don’t think a lot of people did – that’s why they’re long gone.) I like this ramble a lot. I like Reeve, and he doesn’t usually get too much attention, so it’s nice to have the focus on him for a change. His Jeopardy categories are a hoot too.

(reeve is sitting in bed, watching tv and flipping idly through the channels. tseng comes in and takes off his jacket, throwing it on a nearby chair. reeve doesn’t look over, his eyes are still on the tv)

Tseng: “Wanna hear something funny?”

Reeve: “Sure.” *keeps flipping*

Tseng: “Reno fell asleep at work *again* today. And when he woke up he called Rude ‘mommy’. You should have seen the look on Rude’s face!”

Reeve: “Uh huh.” *keeps flipping*

Tseng: *frowns and puts his hands on his hips* “Reeve, don’t you think you’ve watched enough tv lately?”

Reeve: “Huh?” *looks over at him*

(tseng gives him a small smile, and crawls onto the bed, taking off reeve’s glasses and putting them aside. he gives him a short kiss)

Tseng: “Go to sleep. You’ve had enough of the idiot box.”

Reeve: *yawn* “I’m not an idiot. I’d do great on any of those game shows.”

Tseng: “I know, sweetie.” *pushes him back onto the pillows*

Reeve: *yawn* “I would win. I know all the answers.”

Tseng: “I know, honey.” *kisses his forehead* “Love you.”

(reeve drifts off to sleep. so you know what *that* means! we get dream lines!!! ~~~~~~ yeah, that’s fun stuff. now, the fear theme plays as the logo flashes on the screen. then we meet each of the contestants)

Lark: “Hi, I’m Lark. I’m 19 years old, and I’m from New York.”

Irvine: “Howdy. I’m Irvine. I’m 17 years old, and I’m from Texas. Don’t mess with Texas, baby!”

Reeve: “Um, hi, I’m Reeve, I’m…uh…35 years old, and I’m from–“

Rufus: “Hi, I’m Rufus. I’m 23 years old, and I’m from California.” *looks nervous*

Seifer: “Hey, I’m Seifer ‘the Knight’. I’m 18 years old, and I’m from Michigan.”

Sephiroth: “I’m Sephiroth, who cares how old I am, or where I’m from.”

Lark: “I’m pretty much scared of everything, and I have no idea why I’m on this show. I’ll probably give up in two seconds.”

Rufus: *looks around nervously* “I’m a little nervous, and I’m not exactly sure what I’m getting myself into, but hey, anything for an extra 5,000 bucks.” *sweat drops*

Reeve: “Why am I here? I’m too old to watch MTV.”

Irvine: “I’m not really afraid of anything. Nothing phases me. I don’t crack under pressure or nothin’.” *not so confident grin*

Sephiroth: “Whatever. This is stupid.”

Seifer: “Yo, I am ready to kick some ghost ass!” *pause* “Wait, that’s possible, right? Like my hand won’t just like go through them or anything……right?”

The Arrival

(we see our five contestants walking into a building with pillowcases over their heads)

Five people have been sent to a place they’ve never been before to determine whether or not it is haunted.

(now inside the building, everyone is taking off the pillowcases and introducing themselves)

They document their own experiences

There is no film crew.

They are alone.

(the five get up, look around the room. there are a few cots, a bunch of cameras, and some newspaper clippings and scary pictures taped to the back wall. lark goes over to take a look)

Lark: *reading* “I hope this isn’t the place we’re at!”

(seph goes to the computer and sits)

Sephiroth: “Let’s see what we have here.” *reads screen* “Begin your stay by going to the video page.”

(he clicks something and everyone gathers around)

Deep Menacing Computer Voice (from here on in known as DMCV): Welcome to Bubbly Clown’s Prancing Circus Hotel of Fun.” *we see a pic of the outside of the hotel, which is really a very ugly place with many clashing colors* “Built in 1911, it was the first circus hotel in the country. For years vacationers would come here for fun in a big top atmosphere. But the hotel was plagued by many gruesome accidents and soon many guests were complaining of not only the tacky decor, but also of paranormal activity. The lack of guests caused the hotel to close it’s doors in 1966. Abandoned since then, it’s considered one of the most haunted places in the universe.”

(a psychic is shown on screen)

Psychic: “I sense…pain….and suffering. There are evil spirits here. And clowns. Clowns everywhere!”

(a local resident is shown)

Local Resident: “No one goes near that place anymore. Mostly ’cause it’s so tacky. But because it’s haunted too.”

(a former hotel employee is shown)

Former Employee: I heard weird noises coming from some of the rooms. This weird hooting laughter. It was scary. A lot of sick things happened here. A lot of things.”

DMCV: “Your objective over the next two nights will be to determine whether the hotel is haunted over a series of dares. Your objectives will take you to five areas where paranormal activity has been reported:” *a map comes up and each of the locations is highlighted as it is mentioned* “the crazy clown cafeteria, the laughing room, the broom closet, the lobby, and bubbly clown’s room. To complete the fear experience you must follow 3 rules: 1–Use your camera equipment to document your experiences at all times. 2–You may quit at any time. However, if you choose to leave you must do so immediately and you forfeit your prize money. Also, another team member must complete your dare. 3–This isn’t really a rule, but if you successfully complete all your dares you win 5,000 dollars.”

Everyone: “Ooh! 5,000 bucks!”

Rufus: “I really need that money.”

DMCV: “Choose a colored tag from the black box on the table and enter it into the computer. You will be recognized by this color.”

(everyone picks a color. lark takes red, rufus takes white, irvine takes yellow, reeve takes orange, seifer takes green and seph gets blue. they enter it all into the computer)

DMCV: “You must begin now.”

Sephiroth: *nervously* “Do you really think there are clowns in here?”

Dare One

DMCV: “Green, go to the crazy clown cafeteria and await further instructions.”

Rufus: “Who’s green?”

Seifer: “That’s me!” *he puts his camera stuff on* “Oh yeah, I’m psyched! I’m ready! Let’s do this thing!”

Sephiroth: “Shut up!”

(and so seifer sets out. lark sits in front of the computer to navigate)

Night One              12:13 A.M

Lark: “Okay, walk forward down the hallway until you see stairs on your left.”

(seifer’s not moving. he looks a little freaked)

Seifer: “Uh….it’s really dark in here.”

Sephiroth: *urgently* “Are there clowns?”

Lark: “Seifer, did you find the stairs?”

Seifer: *gulp* “Stairs? Uh….just a sec.” *he takes a deep breath and walks forward very cautiously* “Uh….okay, I found the stairs.”

Lark: “Go down them to the ground floor.”

Seifer: *panicking* “Down?! Isn’t that like the basement?!”

Lark: “Seifer, are you scared?”

(we hear seifer screaming bloody murder over the radio)

Sephiroth: *urgently* “Are there clowns??”

Seifer: *out of breath* “Okay, I’m good.”

Lark: “Are you sure?”

Seifer: “Yeah. Nothing scares me.” *screams again*

Sephiroth: *urgently* “Clowns?!”

Seifer: “Ah!!! This is *bleeped* up *bleep*!”

Irvine: “Just do it, man!”

Lark: “Seifer, are you gonna do it? Otherwise Irvine has to go.”

Irvine: “WHAT?!” *grabs the radio* “You better damn well do it, you scardy cat!”

Seifer: “I–I can’t! I’m coming back!”

Irvine: *looks really scared*

(seifer comes back shaking his head, then you see him leaving and his voiceover)

Seifer voiceover: “That place is *bleeped* up.”

(next we see a shaking irvine getting into gear and venturing out)

Lark: “You can do this, Irvine.”

Rufus: “Think of the money!”

Reeve: “This show is sick.”

Sephiroth: “Then why were you watching it?”

Reeve: “I was trying to be cool!”

Sephiroth: “You’re not cool.”

Reeve: *hangs head* “I should have stuck to VH1.”

Irvine: *screams*

Sephiroth: “Clowns?!”

Irvine: *screams again*

Lark: “Are you okay, Irvine?”

Irvine: *voice shaking* “I can’t do it.”

Lark: “Why not?”

Irvine: *sobs* “I can’t do it! It’s too much pressure!”

Rufus: “What pressure?? Do it, you jerk, or I’ll beat you!”

Irvine: “I–I can’t! I’m coming back!!”

Rufus: “Oh man!”

Reeve: “This seems pretty messed up.”

Sephiroth: “This is MTV. They have the Tom Green Show. Get my point?”

Reeve: “Who?”

(irvine comes back, looking defeated. we see scenes of him leaving with his voice over)

Irvine: “I just… I just couldn’t do it. I’m such a phony!” *sobs*

(now lark’s looking at the screen)

Lark: “White has to go.”

Rufus: “Who’s white?”

Sephiroth: “You are, dumbass.”

Rufus: *gulp* “I…” *gulp* “Am?”

(so rufus suits up and goes out shaking like a leaf.)

Lark: “Okay, Rufus–“

Rufus: “How much money do we get for this?”

Lark: “5,000 bucks.”

Rufus: “That’s a lot, right?”

Lark: “Yeah, I guess.”

Rufus: “Would you do this for 5,000 bucks?”

Lark: *snort* “I wouldn’t do it for a million.”

Sephiroth: “Then why are you on this show?”

Lark: *shrug* “I don’t know–it’s Reeve’s dream.”

Sephiroth: *turns to reeve* “Why is my girlfriend in your dream?”

Reeve: “I’d like to know why *you’re* in my dream.”

Rufus: “Who cares?! You’re all stupid! I’m coming back! I’ll just raise the mako rates or something and make myself 5,000 extra bucks.”

Reeve: “Yeah, that’s real fair.”

(they see rufus leaving and his voice over)

Rufus: “That 5,000 bucks would have really come in handy, but I can make it through the week without it. Now where did I park my Rolls-Royce?”

(lark’s looking at the screen)

Lark: “You’re up, Seph.”

Sephiroth: *stops dead* “Say what?”

Lark: “You have to attempt the dare.”

Sephiroth: *pales* “I have to…go in there?”

Lark: “Um, yeah! So are you going?”

Sephiroth: *gulp* “Yeah, sure… I’m going… I’m not…scared…or anything…of course not. I am the great and mighty…Sephiroth. Yeah.” *sweat drops*

(he goes out)

Lark: *into the radio* “Okay, Sephiroth, you–“

Sephiroth: “AH!!! CLOWNS!!!!”

Lark: “Clowns?”

Sephiroth: “Clowns everywhere!”

Lark: “Sephiroth–“

(but before she can say anything more, he’s back, back against the door, panting heavily)

Sephiroth: “There’s definitely something out there.”

Lark: “Clowns?”

Sephiroth: *screams* “I’m so outta here!”

(they show sephiroth leaving and his voiceover)

Sephiroth: “Clowns! Clowns everywhere!”

(that leaves lark and reeve)

Lark: “Your turn.”

Reeve: “Did you ever think that they made this stuff up?”

Lark: “Huh?”

Reeve: “That they made believe the place is haunted, just to get us all scared? For all we know they could have built this building last week and made up this history just to scare us for their dumb tv show.”

Lark: *blinks* “So are you going in there or not?”

Reeve: “Hell no. You?”

Lark: “Yeah *right*!” *laughs*

Reeve: “This show is stupid. I want a new one.”

(and now the scene changes. reeve’s on jeopardy, along with sephiroth and twilight? rude has stepped into the alex trabeck role)

Rude: “Hello, and welcome to Jeopardy. We are now entering double jeopardy. Our current leader, Reeve, has 15,456 dollars. Sephiroth, in second place, has zero, and Twilight, has -15,098.”

Sephiroth: “This game is stupid.”

Twilight: “No one told me this game had reading in it!”

Rude: “If you just joined us, Reeve has gotten all the questions he’s buzzed in for right, Twilight has gotten all his buzzed in answers *wrong*, and Sephiroth has not buzzed in at *all*.”

Sephiroth: “This game is stupid.” *turns to reeve* “You’re a dork.”

Reeve: “Hey! You’re just jealous!”

Sephiroth: “You are! What kind of guy dreams of game shows?”

Rude: “And the double jeopardy categories are: Architecture, Math Terms, Presidents of the United States, Japanese Words, Computers and Reasons Why Tseng is Hot.”

Sephiroth: *gives reeve a look*

Reeve: *smug shrug* “What? It’s my dream–my categories.”

Sephiroth: *shakes head sadly*

Rude: “Twilight, because you can barely spell your own name, you choose the first.”

Twilight: *points at the board* “I’ll take that one there for….that number there.” *points to another number*

Rude: “You’ve chosen Math Terms for 800–and that is a daily double.”

Twilight: “Kick ass!”

Rude: “How much would you like to wager? Since you have nothing, you can wager anywhere up to a thousand dollars.”

Twilight: “Yeah, whatever. The big number sounds good.”

Rude: Okay, for 1000 dollars: in mathematics, physics, and other fields, this is a set of ideas that attempts to reveal structure in aperiodic, unpredictable dynamic systems such as cloud formation or the fluctuation of biological populations.”

Twilight: “Hey! No fair! That question wasn’t in english!”

Sephiroth and Reeve: *sigh* “That’s an easy one…”

Twilight: “What is… Darth Vader is a moron!”

Rude: *sigh* “No, the correct answer is chaos theory. Choose again.”

Twilight: “Okay, I’ll take the one next to that one for the same amount of money.”

Rude: “Very well: Presidents of the United States for 800. This is your answer: He was the first man to replace a President who had died in office.”

(reeve buzzes in)

Rude: “Yes, Reeve.”

Reeve: “Who is John Tyler.”

Rude: “That is correct. It’s your board.”

Sephiroth: *cough* “Dork.” *cough*

Reeve: *turns to him* “What’s your problem now?”

Sephiroth: “Anyone knows that.”

Reeve: “I don’t see you buzzing in.”

Sephiroth: “I’m too smart for this game.”

Reeve: *sets jaw* “I’ll take Architecture for 1000.”

Rude: “His credits include the Cathedral of St. John the Divine in New York City, the graduate school and chapel at Princeton and buildings at Williams, Phillips Exeter Academy, Rice University and the U.S. Military Academy at West Point.”

(twilight buzzes in)

Rude: “Yes, Twilight?”

Twilight: “Uh….Luke Skywalker!”

Rude: “Please phrase your answer correctly, and *no*.”

(reeve buzzes in)

Rude: “Yes, Reeve.”

Reeve: “Who is Ralph Adams Cram.”

Rude: “That is correct. It’s your board.”

Sephiroth: *hits himself in the head*

Reeve: *turns to him* “What is it *now*?”

Sephiroth: “Who in their right mind would have known *that*?”

Reeve: “Um…I…knew it.”

Sephiroth: “Exactly! You’re a dork! You have no life!”

Reeve: “I do too!”

Sephiroth: “Oh yeah? Change game shows. And you’ll know I’m right.”

Reeve: “But I’m doing so well!”

Sephiroth: “Dork!”

Reeve: *clenches fist* “Fine!”

(we now move to who wants to be a millionaire? reeve is in the chair, and reno is the host)

Reno: “Hello, and welcome back to Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. I’m here with Reeve, who’s going for the million dollar question with one life line left. He used his other two on pop culture questions.” *grins* “That doesn’t seem to be your strong point.”

Reeve: *fake smile and mutters* “Yeah, and I hate myself.”

Reno: “Well you still have your phone a friend lifeline, are you ready for the million dollar question, Reeve?”

Reeve: “I am.”

Reno: “For one million dollars: What MTV personality is known for “The Bum Song”? Is it a) Andy Dick, b) Tom Green, c) Carson Daley, or d) Jesse Camp.”

Reeve: *hits himself in the forehead* “Aw, crap.”

Reno: “I’m guessing you have no idea.”

Reeve: *gives him a look* “You think?”

Reno: “No need to get snippy! Remember you have that life line.”

Reeve: “Okay, I’ll use my life line. I want to call–“

Reno: “We’ll get Sephiroth on the line for you.”

Reeve: *jaw drops* “But I didn’t want to call him!”

Sephiroth’s voice: “Hello, Reeve.”

Reeve: “Okay, I’m officially freaked out now.”

Sephiroth’s voice: “You know the answer to this question, Reeve. I told you the answer before.”

Reeve: *scratches his head* “MTV…. MTV…” *face lights up* “I know it! It’s B! Tom Green!”

Reno: “Is that your final answer?”

(but before reeve can say yes, he’s switched to the set of ‘the weakest link’, along with 7 others: sephiroth, cloud, rufus, tseng, irvine, reno, and seifer. lark is the host, her hair is pulled back and she’s wearing glasses. she also speaks with a british accent)

Lark: “As a team you have managed to get together a sizable 20,000 this first round. However, it is now time to see which of you is intellectually inferior to the other contestants. Time to vote someone off.”

(everyone bends over to write on their…whatever they have there. we hear a voiceover)

Voiceover: *as they show reeve* “Reeve was statistically the strongest link this round. He got all his questions right, and got the most money for the team.” *shows cloud* “Cloud was the weakest link. He got all his questions wrong and he didn’t know what town he was from.”

Lark: “It is now time to see which of you will take the walk of shame. Who have you voted off?”

Sephiroth: “Reeve.”

Cloud: “Reeve.”

Rufus: “Reeve.”

Tseng: “Reeve.”

Irvine: “Reeve.”

Reno: “Reeve.”

Seifer: “Reeve.”

Reeve: “Um…Cloud.”

Lark: “Tseng, why did you pick to vote Reeve off when he did the most for your team?”

Tseng: “He’s too smart. We’re all afraid of him.”

Reeve: “What?! But–but I’m…I’m smart!”

Lark: “Reeve–you *are* the weakest link. Good-bye.”

(reeve hangs his head and walks away. we then see his interview off stage)

Reeve: “I don’t get it! I got all that money for them and they dump me! Even Tseng!? Well they’re all….stupid!” *pouts*

Sephiroth: “Maybe you’re too good for game shows.”

Reeve: “How can you be too good for game shows? What about Win Ben Stein’s Money?”

Sephiroth: “Nah, I think you’ve got other ideas.”

(now reeve’s on the big brother set. his housemates are tseng, lark, sephiroth and nida)

Lark: *making a plea to the camera* “What is *wrong* with you people? We keep picking Nida to get voted off, and you’re not voting him off! Do you know what torture it is to live with him! Please vote him off? Pretty please?”

(she walks back in the sitting room where everyone’s…um…sitting)

Lark: “I wonder who the audience will vote off this week.”

Nida: “Well as if it isn’t obvious! Reeve!”

Reeve: “Hey! Why not you?”

Nida: “Because I’m so dislikable it’s amusing.”

Lark: “Not for us.”

Nida: “You just sit there and do boring things and hit on Tseng.”

Tseng: “By the way, Reeve, the Producers said we have to stop….you know. They said they’re tired of editing out most of the footage with us in it.”

Reeve: “What?!” *hits himself in the forehead* “Oh boy.” *sigh* “Well, why is *Sephiroth* still here? He keeps lighting things on fire!”

Sephiroth: *holding up burning playing card* “No I don’t.” *blows it out with a guilty smile*

Nida: “Face it, Reeve, you’re a boring dork.”

Reeve: “No I’m not!” *he holds up a graph* “Look! I made this graph that shows the relationship between the show’s ratings and who was voted out of the house!” *every looks at him blankly and he hangs his head* “I make a lot of graphs.”

Nida: “Hey, Lark, if it’s down to the two of us at the end, I’ll let you win, but you have to sleep with me.”

Lark: “What?! No! Ew!

Sephiroth: “Dream on, buddy!”

Nida: “Come on! I’m really desperate!”

(then the host comes in)

Host: “Hello, everyone. How is everyone doing?”

Lark: “If Nida doesn’t get voted off this week, he might be dead by next week.”

Nida: *sweat drops*

Host: “Well, the votes are in, and one of you will have to leave. Will it be Reeve or will it be Nida?”

Lark: “It had better be Nida.” *cracks knuckles*

Host: “And so, with 86% of the vote, Reeve has been voted out of the house.”

Everyone but nida: “What?!”

Lark: “Dammit!” *kicks nida*

Nida: “Ow!”

Tseng: *sigh* “Now what am I going to do?”

Sephiroth: *yawn* “No big surprise.”

Reeve: *head in his hands* “Am I really *that* unpopular?”

(when he looks up again, he’s on the set of survivor. his tribe mates are squall, nida, lark, shell, irvine and sephiroth)

Reeve: “Oh no… I don’t want to be in the Australian Outback! Something horrible happens there every time!”

Sephiroth: “At least help us rebuild the shelter, Reeve.”

Irvine: “Yeah! They took my Texas flag cause we’re outta rice!”

Shell: *hanging off his arm* “Oh, Irvine! I just love you *so* much!”

Irvine: *shakes arm* “Get off me…”

Nida: *standing off and glaring at squall* “Stupid Squall. Thinks he’s so damn great cause he can do stuff.”

Sephiroth: “This heat is melting me!” *whines*

Lark: *laughs* “It’s Liquid Sephiroth time!”

Sephiroth: *shudders* “No! Anything but that!”

Squall: “Whatever, you guys. Hurry up, we have to go to tribal council and vote someone off.” *cough* “Nida.” *cough*

Reeve: “Tribal council? Who won the immunity challenge?”

Irvine: *holds up necklace* “Don’t mess with Texas, baby!”

Shell: “Oh, Irvine! You’re so big and manly! You’ve won almost *all* the immunity challenges.”

Irvine: *still trying to shake her off* “Please get off me… I’m really not interested.”

(reeve goes over to sephiroth and lark)

Reeve: “Um…you wanna form an alliance?”

Sephiroth: “We made an alliance the first day we came here. And you’re not part of it.”

Reeve: “You’re going to vote me off, aren’t you.”

Sephiroth: *tries to look innocent* “No….”

(so they make the long, long walk to tribal council with their sticks and they sit on the rocks. in case you don’t know, the host on survivor’s name is jeff)

Jeff: “So, you’ve made it through another week. Nida, what has it been like?”

Nida: “Hard. Squall thinks he’s *so* great.”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Jeff: “Shell, who are your best friends out here?”

Shell: *grabs onto irvine* “I love Irvine! We’re going to get married and live happily ever after!”

Irvine: *tries to shake her off* “Get off me!”

Reeve: “Hmm… That’s not much like Irvine at all…”

Sephiroth: “You moron. This is a dream. Your watching the show has combined with the people you know to create people who look like your friends but act like the people on the show.”

Reeve: “Oh, I see…” *pause* “Which one are you?”

Sephiroth: “I’m just *me*, thank you very much.”

Jeff: “Reeve, what do you think will happen tonight?”

Reeve: “I’m a goner.”

Jeff: “Okay, let’s go vote. Nida, you’re up.”

(nida goes up, writes squall and holds it up)

Nida: “I hate you. I’m better. Rot in hell.”

(he puts in the box and goes away. then squall comes and writes nida on it and holds it up)

Squall: “Whatever. You’re a jerk.”

(he puts it in and goes away. then lark comes up and writes reeve and holds it up)

Lark: “You’re a nice guy, but even Nida does more than you do.”

(one by one the others come up and vote. then jeff gets the canister and starts to read the votes)

Jeff: “Squall.” *picks up another* “Nida.” *picks up another* “Reeve.” *picks up another* “Reeve.” *picks up another* “Reeve.” *picks up another* “And the next person voted off the island is….” *opens it* “Reeve.”

Reeve: *hangs head*

Jeff: “Bring me your torch.”

(reeve gets his torch and goes over.)

Jeff: “The tribe has spoken.” *puts out flame*

(next we see reeve talking to the camera)

Reeve: “What did they expect me to do? I’m no Colby-er… I mean Irvine. At least I’m nice! I’m nicer than Nida!” *hangs head* “Oh man. It can’t get much worse than that.”

(then he looks up and he’s on temptation island! the couples are him and tseng, shell and rude and….lark and irvine?! sephiroth is just hanging out. note: i’ve never actually seen this show, so i’m making it how i want it.)

Reeve: “Oh no…”

Sephiroth: “At least you’re half normal now, Reeve. At least you’re dreaming about sex now like normal guys.”

Reeve: “I can only imagine what’s going to happen now.” *pouts*

Tseng: *turns to reeve* “What’s wrong, Reeve?”

Reeve: *grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him* “You can’t cheat on me! You can’t! Promise me you won’t!”

Tseng: *blinks* “Reeve! I would never! Don’t even think it!”

Lark: “Hey, Irvine, this is a great idea! Pretending we’re a couple so we can hook up with other people!”

Irvine: “Yeah! We’re so smart!” *high five*

Sephiroth: “Hey! Lark!”

Lark: “Whoops!”

Sephiroth: *glares at reeve* “Why are you dreaming about her cheating on me?”

Reeve: “I don’t know! Why are you aware I’m dreaming?”

Host: “Okay, everyone, it’s now time to watch the videos of the dates your significant other went on last night. If you don’t want to watch, you don’t have to. Lark do you want to watch Irvine’s room?”

Lark: “No thanks, I’m not in the mood for porn right now.”

Host: “Irvine?”

Irvine: “Did you sleep with anyone on the date, Lark?”

Lark: “No!”

Sephiroth: “She had better not have!”

Irvine: “I’ll pass then.”

Lark: “Ew, Irvine!”

Host: “Shell, would you like to see Rude’s?”

Shell: “Of course! He had better have not cheated on me, right, Rude?”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

(they turn the video on. rude’s sitting at a table at some sort of cafe with a beautiful woman. he’s looking at the menu)

Rude: “What should I get?”

Woman: “Whatever you want.”

Rude: “No, I was asking you what I should get.”

Woman: “I told you–get what you want.”

Rude: *blinks* “No. You need to pick for me.”

Woman: “…Why?”

Rude: “Please pick for me. Please.”

Woman: “You’re weird!” *edges away*

Rude: “Please give me some orders.”

Woman: “That’s it! This date is over!” *she stomps off*

Rude: *sigh* “I need Shell.”

(back to the actual show)

Shell: “I would have told you what to order, Rude.”

Rude: “I know, Shell.”

Host: “Rude, would you like to see Shell’s date?”

Rude: “Sure.”

(they turn the video on. a really hot guy comes up to shell, while she taps her foot impatiently)

Guy: “Hello.”

Shell: “Do you have something for me?”

Guy: *blinks* “Huh?”

Shell: “You have a gift for me, don’t you?”

Guy: “Uh…..no.”

Shell: “No gift?! *And* they send me one with *hair*?”

Guy: *puts a hand to his head* “What’s wrong with hair?”

Shell: “Ugh, this is a waste of my time.” *stomps off*

Guy: *blink blink*

(back to the show)

Rude: “You made my hair fall out, Shell.”

Shell: “I know, Rude. It’s my biggest accomplishment.” *pats his head*

Host: “Tseng, do you want to see Reeve’s date?”

Tseng: *shakes head* “No, I trust him.”

Reeve: *mutters* “Of course he does. Who wants a dork?”

Host: “Reeve, do you want to see the video of Tseng’s date?”

Reeve: “I–” *he stops and looks at tseng who looks at him lovingly* “Ah….no. No.” *looks at the host* “I don’t need to.”

Sephiroth: *yawn* “You make for rather boring television.”

Reeve: “I told you I’m better suited for game shows.”

Sephiroth: “Then go crawling back to those, dork boy.”

(and in a second reeve is transplanted to the set of wheel a fortune where he’s a contest along with twilight and zell. sephiroth is the host, and tseng has the role as vanna white, but *no* he’s *not* wearing a dress! the topic is ‘famous sayings’ and the board reads: _n/ _ppl_/ _/ _ _ _/ K_ _ps /Th_/ _ _ct_r/ _w_ _)

Sephiroth: “Twilight, it’s your spin.”

(twilight spins and claps)

Twilight: “All right! Big money! Big money!”

(it lands on 200)

Sephiroth: “200. Pick a letter.”

Twilight: “T.”

Sephiroth: “You already picked T.”

Twilight: “W.”

Sephiroth: “You already picked that too.”

Twilight: “L.”

Sephiroth: “You picked that one too!”

Twilight: “I’m running out of letters I know! Um…how about…G?”

(they show the board, but nothing lights up and tseng shakes his head)

Sephiroth: “Sorry, no G.”

Twilight: “Dammit! Damn these games that need reading!”

Sephiroth: “Zell, your spin.”

Zell: “All right! Kick ass!”

(he spins)

Zell: “Big money! Big money!”

(it lands on 350)

Sephiroth: “350.” *checks watch* “Oh man, this is boring.”

Zell: “I’ll take a D!”

(a few spaces on the board lights up, and tseng turns them over so it now reads: _n/ _ppl_/ _/ D_ _/ K_ _ps /Th_/ D_ct_r/ _w_ _)

Sephiroth: “Spin again.” *yawn*

Zell: “Actually, I’d like to buy a vowel.”

Sephiroth: “Which one?”

Zell: “An ‘A’.”

(spaces on the board light up and tseng turns them over so the board reads: An/ Appl_/ A/ Da _/ K_ _ps /Th_/ D_ct_r/ Awa _)

Twilight: “This game isn’t fair to people who can’t read!”

Sephiroth: “It’s not *for* people who can’t read.”

Twilight: “That’s discrimination! I could sue!….If I knew how!”

Sephiroth: *rolls eyes* “Okay. Spin again, Zell.”

(zell spins)

Zell: “Big money! Big money!”

(it lands on bankruptcy)

Zell: *flips out* “Hey! No fair!”

Sephiroth: “Sorry. Now it’s Reeve’s turn.”

Reeve: *staring dreamily at tseng*

Sephiroth: “Reeve!”

Reeve: *snaps out of it* “Huh?”

Sephiroth: “It’s your turn.”

Reeve: “Oh, right. I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Sephiroth: “Big surprise. Okay, what is it?”

Reeve: “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

Sephiroth: “That is correct! Congratulations, Reeve! You win.”

Twilight: “Discrimination!”

Zell: “Rigged!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, whatever.”

(he drags reeve over to the final area)

Sephiroth: “Pick an envelope.”

(he does and hands it to sephiroth)

Sephiroth: “Okay, here is your puzzle, Reeve. Now you’ll get the usual letters, RSTLNE, and now you get to pick 3 letters and a vowel. Your category is People. “

(the board looks like this: _ _ _ _ _/ _ _ _ _ _/ _ _ _ _)

Reeve: “C, M, H and A.”

(the letters light up, and tseng turns them around so the the board looks like this: Ral_h/ A_ams/ Crams)

Sephiroth: “Not this guy again.” *rolls eyes* “Okay, you have 30 seconds. What is it?”

Reeve: “Ralph Adams Crams!”

Sephiroth: *with no enthusiasm* “Yeah. Big surprise. Let’s see what you won.”

(he goes to open the envelope, but before he can, reeve is on hollywood squares! Irvine is the host, and in the squares we have: Reno, Rude, Rufus, Squall, Sephiroth, Zell, Barret, Vincent and Zidane)

Reeve: “Oh no! I’m on the dumbest game show ever!”

Irvine: “Okay, Reeve, this is the final round. Get the question right, and you win all your money.”

Rufus: “And you better show up for work tomorrow on time anyway!”

Barret: “Yo, shu’ yo mouth, Shinra!”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Reno: “Do I read off this sheet that says jokes or the one that says answers?”

Irvine: *hits himself in the head* “He’s drunk.”

Reno: *falls off his chair*

Irvine: “Okay, Reeve, who would you like to choose?”

Reeve: *labored sigh* “Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “I’m the center square because I’m the best, right, Vincent?”

Vincent: *sigh* “Yes, angel.”

Irvine: “Okay, Sephiroth, here’s the question: What military figure once declared ‘I have not yet begun to fight’?”

Sephiroth: “Well *duh*. I told you I was too smart for these game shows! It’s John Paul Jones.”

Irvine: “Do you agree, Reeve?”

Reeve: “I agree.”

Irvine: “Congratulations! You win–“

(but suddenly he’s in the middle of a field in army fatigues.)

Reeve: *looks down at himself* “Oh no.” *looks up totally scared* “I’m on Boot Camp!”

Sephiroth: *chuckles* “Now *this* should be funny.”

Reeve: *grabs seph and shakes him desperately* “You have to let me wake up! I don’t want to be on this show! They’ll kill me! I can barely use a paperclip!”

Sephiroth: “What are you pleading to me for? It’s your dream.”

Reeve: *pauses and releases seph* “Oh yeah. I forgot since you haunted me the whole time.”

Sephiroth: “You’re scared of me, aren’t you?”

Reeve: “What? No!”

Sephiroth: “Yes you are! Otherwise I wouldn’t have haunted you consistently like this.”

Reeve: “Dreams don’t indicate anything.”

Sephiroth: *shrugs* “Suit yourself, coward.” *glances behind him* “Here comes the drill sergeant! I must be off to impress him once again!”

(sephiroth runs off and reeve puts his hands to his temples)

Reeve: “Wake you idiot, or they’re going to take away your blow dryer!”

(back in the real world, reeve sits up with a start, panting. he relaxes as he realizes he’s safe in his room, in the dark. he turns and looks at tseng who’s sound asleep, and then he sits back and shakes him gently)

Reeve: “Tseng… Tseng, wake up.”

Tseng: *mumbles* “Reeve, I’m really tired. Can’t you take care of it yourself?”

Reeve: *blushes fiercely* “No! Tseng, that’s not why I’m waking you up!”

(tseng rubs his eyes and sits up, looking at him sleepily)

Tseng: “Is something wrong?”

Reeve: “No… I guess not…”

Tseng: “Then what is it?”

Reeve: *blurts it out* “Do you think I’m a dork?”

Tseng: “Honey, you’re just smart.”

Reeve: “Do you think I’m boring then?”

Tseng: “No!” *smiles and strokes his cheek* “You’re not boring at all! You’re smart and beautiful and wonderful–and I love you.”

Reeve: *small smile* “Thank you. I love you too.”

Tseng: “What’s bothering you?”

Reeve: “Nothing.”

(tseng embraces him, and reeve lays against him)

Tseng: “You had a bad dream, didn’t you.”

Reeve: “…Not bad, just *weird*.”

Tseng: “Why don’t you tell me about it?”

Reeve: *looks up at him* “I thought you were tired.”

Tseng: *leans in to kiss him with a smile* “Not so much anymore.”

(reeve accepts the kiss, but he breaks away after tseng tries to push further)

Reeve: “Tseng, you don’t think I’m scared of Sephiroth, do you?”

Tseng: *blinks* “Reeve, what kind of dream was this?”

Reeve: “Forget it.” *pulls tseng closer* “I want you–and that’s my final answer.”

THE END

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