#84 – Ha ha! You’re Old!

Rude: *sigh* “This is the worst day ever.”

Originally Published: 4/18/01 . 106 pages

Synopsis
It’s Lark’s birthday, and the gang has planned a huge surprise party! Only everyone is running late! Sephiroth gets stuck on a talk show, Zidane gets trapped under an inflatable jumping castle, and Squall and the gang are in jail! Will anyone make it to the party?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

When I use ALL the ramble characters the finished piece usually ends up being kind of uneven, hence the issue with this INSANELY long one. For a long time afterwards it was the longest ramble I’d ever done. Ignoring the crazy weird timeline in this one, it’s got good parts, bad parts and neutral parts. Let’s focus on the good – I like all the TV station stuff, as well as Irvine’s plot line with the hay. (Austin’s comment about “we all like hay, but come on”, amused me.) There’s also Shell and Rude in the parking garage (Even if it was kind of ripped off from Seinfeld – I love the part where they steal the car. Totally forgot about that.) and Wufei at Treize and Zechs’ house. The ones I hate include Zidane being trapped in the jumping castle (Really?) and Quatre and Trowa waiting “5 – 10” minutes for the cake. (Really ripped off from Seinfeld.) But the ones I truly despise are Katie and the bunnies and Cloud’s gang and the skit that goes nowhere. My favorite thing is probably when the losers show up dressed as other FF characters. Also, Barret gets his finger stuck in a jukebox, which really happened to my sister as a kid. And I have no idea what half the Japanese words Wufei says mean. At the time I was taking Japanese, but it’s long since flown out of my head.

(in the ramble room we have sephiroth, reno and rufus, who are hanging out in the doorway for no reason whatsoever. lark walks by, and you can tell by the look on her face that she is *very* pissed off)

Reno: “Hey, Lark.”

Lark: “Yeah, whatever.” *walks off*

Rufus: *blinks* “Uh…was that Lark?”

Reno: “She seemed just a *little* pissed off.”

Sephiroth: “You guys don’t know?”

Reno and Rufus: *blink*

Sephiroth: “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

(they wait for seph to say something more but he doesn’t)

Reno: “Well?!”

Rufus: “You have tell us now!”

Sephiroth: *lowers voice* “Okay, you have to promise not tell anyone else.”

Reno: “Hey, ‘secrecy’ is my middle name.”

Rufus: “When I told you not to tell everyone about my Barbie collection, everyone knew in 5 minutes! Tseng wanted to know if I had any of the Holiday ones he was missing!”

Sephiroth: *gives rufus a funny look*

Rufus: *looks embarrassed* “They’re worth money!”

Reno: “Uh huh. Anyway, what’s the secret, Seph?”

Sephiroth: *whispers* “Tomorrow is Lark’s birthday.”

Reno and Rufus: “It is?!”

Rufus: “I had no idea!”

Reno: “She never told me when her birthday was!”

Rufus: “Why is she so upset if her birthday is tomorrow? When it’s my birthday I always order people around.”

Reno: “You do that every day!”

Sephiroth: “Lark hates her birthday.”

Reno and Rufus: *gasp*

Reno: “Is she a little off?”

Rufus: “No one hates their birthday!”

Sephiroth: “I hate mine.”

Reno: “Well you’re not quite all there.”

Rufus: “Why does she hate it?”

Sephiroth: “She said it’s always bad and she’s given up on it. So now she likes it better if no one knows it’s her birthday at all.”

Rufus: “Why did she tell you all this?”

Sephiroth: *crosses arms and gives him a look* “What do you take me for?”

Reno: *thinking*

Rufus: “Uh oh. Reno’s using his brain again.”

Reno: “I bet we could show her a great birthday! We’ll get everyone in on it!”

Sephiroth: “I told you not to tell anyone!”

Rufus: “Secrecy is his middle name my ass.”

Reno: “No, come on, Seph! It’ll be great! We’ll all make a big huge deal out of it, everyone will get a job, and she’ll have the best birthday ever! You’ll see!”

Sephiroth: *pouts* “Stop calling me Seph.” *pause* “But maybe you’re right for a change, Reno. I don’t want to see Lark miserable on her birthday.”

Rufus: “Does that mean we have to invite those Gundam Wing jerks too?” *grimaces*

Reno: “Yeah, it does. But don’t worry, we’ll show them up good! Come on, we got phone calls to make and people to see!”

(starts dragging rufus off)

Rufus: “Oh no! Not the phone!”

Sephiroth: “This better turn out right. The last thing I want is for this to be another day she adds to her ‘sucky birthday’s’ tally.”

……………………………………………………………………………….

(the next morning, lark wakes up, rubs her eyes and feels around next to her)

Lark: “Sephy?”

(but he’s not there. she sits up, rubs her eyes and looks at the empty spot next to her)

Lark: “Where did he go?” *picks up note*

Dear Lark,

I went to pick up your birthday present! Don’t worry, I’ll be back soon! Don’t worry–this year will be different. We’ll all make sure of that!

Love,

Sephiroth

Lark: *frowns* “Oh. Birthday. Great.” *pause* “Wait, Sephiroth must have told everyone else it was my birthday.” *hits herself in the head* “Dammit!” *sigh* “Oh well. Maybe I *will* have a good day.”

(she gets up, gets dressed, and walks into the ramble room expecting people to jump out at her. but it’s empty)

Lark: “Huh.”

(so she goes into the tv room and opens the door, again, expecting to be surprised. it’s empty)

Lark: “What the hell is this?!” *sigh* “Maybe I just have to wait awhile or something.” *she sits down* “I won’t be alone for long. They’re probably planning a party for me later or something. They’ll come. They will. This year will be great.” *doubtful smile*

………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, we cut to a car with sephiroth, vincent, reeve and tseng in it. vincent is driving, seph is in the passenger seat with a gift on his lap, and reeve and tseng are making out in the backseat)

Sephiroth: *throws a book at them* “Could you two knock it off? This isn’t the after prom limo.”

Tseng: *rubbing his head* “Ow. Sephiroth, that was War and Peace!”

Reeve: “Aw, are you okay, sweetie?”

Sephiroth: “Don’t make me barf.” *pouts* “Drive faster, Vincent.”

Vincent: “Actually, we have to take a detour, my angel.”

Sephiroth: “What do you mean? You got your present for Lark, I’ve got mine, and the not-so-ambiguosly gay duo have theirs.”

Reeve and Tseng: “Hey!”

Vincent: “I’m afraid this can’t be helped, my angel. I signed you up for this long before I knew today was Lark’s birthday.”

Sephiroth: “Signed me up for what?!”

Vincent: “Don’t worry, my angel. It won’t take long.”

Sephiroth: “Stop calling me that! And it had better not!”

(vincent drives into a tv studio parking lot)

Sephiroth: “Vincent, I know I deserve my own sitcom, but now is not the time!”

Tseng: “That would be a pretty sad show.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Tseng.”

Vincent: “Not quite, my angel. Follow me.”

(the four of them go into the studio, where they are greeted by an overly cheery lady with too much makeup)

Lady: “Hi!!! You must be Sephiroth!! Welcome!”

Sephiroth: *backing up* “No… I’m not Sephiroth..”

Vincent: “Don’t lie, angel.” *pokes him with the claw*

Sephiroth: “Ow! Vincent, that thing hurts!”

Lady: “Oh, this’ll be so much fun, you’ll see!! Just come with me!” *sees reeve and tseng* “Oh, you two can wait for them in that dressing room over there.” *she takes seph by the arm and starts dragging him off*

Sephiroth: “Vincent, where are they taking me!?! I’m scared!”

Vincent: “Relax, angel!”

(in what seems like a second, seph is fitted with a mic, has had makeup put on his face, and is sitting on the couch of a tv talk show set)

Sephiroth: *whimpers*

Vincent: “You’ll like this, angel.”

Sephiroth: “I’m going to kill you, Vincent!”

Director: “And we’re on in 5, 4, 3, 2–“

Lady: “Hello! And welcome to today’s show! Today our guest’s name is Sephiroth.”

(a closeup of a very annoyed seph is shown)

Sephiroth: “Look, today is my girlfriend’s birthday, so if I could just…” *he tries to get up, but the lady forces him to sit*

Lady: “Sephiroth, today is your lucky day. Sephiroth, this is your life!!”

(a cheezy logo that says ‘this is your life’ is lowered in the background and the audience claps)

Sephiroth: *roars* “VINCENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, tseng and reeve have entered the dressing room.)

Reeve: “Sephiroth is going to kill Vincent.”

Tseng: “He’ll probably threaten to.” *closes the door* “Looks like we’re going to be alone for awhile.”

Reeve: “Looks like it.”

(tseng sits down and flips his hair over his shoulder. reeve watches him restlessly)

Reeve: *wets his lips* “So, what do you want to do?”

Tseng: “You know, I don’t know what Sephiroth’s problem is.”

Reeve: “What do you mean?”

Tseng: “I mean, we don’t make out *that* much. We can restrain ourselves.”

Reeve: “Sure we can.”

(reeve looks at tseng. tseng looks at reeve. then two seconds later they lunge for one another, and reeve starts kissing down tseng’s neck)

Tseng: *gasps* “We’re two perfectly calm adults. We’re not hormonal adolescents.”

Reeve: “Right. I have to have you. Let’s go.” *pulls him down on the floor*

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, at the mall, shell and rude, many shopping bags in hand, are entering a parking garage)

Shell: “I’m so glad I found the best gift! I bet you’re glad I let you pay for it, right, Rude?”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Shell: “Maybe I’ll put your name on the card.” *considers*

Rude: “I think we left Twilight and Opal in the mall, Shell. Shouldn’t we look for them?”

Shell: “They’ll probably be okay. There are shuttles here, right?”

Rude: “I don’t think so, Shell.”

Shell: “Oh well. They’ll be fine. Besides, my feet hurt. Where’s the damn car?”

Rude: “Um…I don’t remember, Shell.”

Shell: “Yes you do, Rude.”

Rude: “No… I don’t, Shell.”

Shell: *firmly* “Yes you *do*, Rude.”

Rude: *sweat drops* “Of course I do, Shell.” *insecure smile*

Shell: “Now where’s the car, Rude?”

Rude: “Uh…” *looks around and finally points left* “That way, Shell.”

Shell: *hands rude all the bags she’s carrying* “Let’s go, Rude.”

Rude: *follows covered in bags* “Yes, Shell.”

……………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, in another part of the mall…twilight and opal are in victoria’s secret. opal is in a dressing room, while twilight waits uncomfortably outside.)

Twilight: *whines* “O*pal*! All this pink is making me nauseous! Hurry up!”

Opal’s voice: *from the dressing room* “I’ll be just a minute!”

Twilight: “You might want to be faster. There are a lot of girls hitting on me out here.”

Opal’s voice: *giggles* “Right, Twilight.”

Twilight: “Hey! I’m very desirable!”

Opal’s voice: “Yes, Twilight. I’m trying to figure out if I like this.”

Twilight: “Well come out here and I’ll decide for you!”

Opal’s voice: “Twilight! I can’t come out here in this!”

Twilight: *grins* “Then let me come in there and see.”

Opal’s voice: “Oh… I don’t know, Twilight…” *pause* “Okay.”

(she opens the door, and he slips in and shuts the door behind him. she’s wearing pink lacy underwear and a matching bra)

Opal: “What do you think?”

Twilight: *looks her over trying not to drool* “Great. Get it.”

Opal: “Well that was easy!” *grin*

Twilight: “So hurry up and let’s go. I think Rude and Shell dumped us. We were too cool for them.”

Opal: “You have to leave so I can get changed, Twilight.”

Twilight: “I won’t look.”

Opal: *gives him a look*

Twilight: “Okay, fine.”

(he tries the door, but it’s stuck)

Twilight: “What the…” *pulls on it with all his might* “It won’t open!”

Opal: “Let me try.”

(she tries, but it’s no use. the door is stuck)

Opal: “Oh no!”

Twilight: *thinks* Oh yes…

…………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back at the ramble complex…rufus and reno are walking down the hallway, whistling to themselves. they don’t notice one another until they meet at the same closet)

Rufus: *glares at reno*

Reno: *glares at rufus*

Rufus: “Let me guess. You hid your present in the closet.”

Reno: “Let me guess. *You* hid your present in the closet.”

Rufus: “Mine’s better than yours anyway.” *opens the closet*

Reno: “Like hell it is!”

(they both step inside and collect their presents. the door closes, but neither seem to notice)

Rufus: “Next time hide yours somewhere else.”

Reno: “Next time hide *yours* somewhere else!”

Rufus: “Let’s just get out of here and wish Lark a happy birthday.”

(reno goes to open the door but it won’t open)

Reno: “Uh oh.”

Rufus: *nervously* “What do you *mean* uh oh?”

(he tries to open it but its no good)

Reno: “I forgot this door locks from the outside.”

Rufus: “You idiot! You shut the door!”

Reno: “I did not! It shut itself!”

Rufus: *pulls harder* “Come on! OPEN!”

Reno: “It’s not going to listen to you.”

Rufus: “If it can shut itself, why can’t it open itself?”

Reno: *gives him a look* “Rufus.”

Rufus: *hangs head* “This sucks.”

Reno: “They say history is doomed to repeat itself.”

Rufus: “It just happened on Valentine’s Day!” *sigh* “This is so predictable.”

Reno: “If it’s so predictable, why are we here?”

Rufus: “SHUT UP!”

……………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile…barret, cid and red have entered a diner)

Cid: “#$%@#$%¨$%&%¨&¨$¨#@%#$%@#??”

Barret: “Yo, I don’t know, man!” *to red* “Yo, Cat/dog, why we here?”

Red: *sigh* “We are here to pick up the cake.”

Cid: “#$%@#%¨$¨#$%#%%%#$%#$¨$%¨$#%¨#$&%&*%&$%¨$%@#%?”

Barret: “Yo, Cid’s right, man. Why we don’t go to no bakery?”

Red: *sigh* “I have learned it is best not to question the things that Reno does.”

(they go inside, and they see one of those signs that says you must wear a shirt and shoes inside the place and no dogs allowed.)

Cid: *taps the sign* “@#$@#$%#$¨%&$%¨$%¨$%¨$¨#$%@#%!”

Barret: “Yo! Cid’s right, yo! You gotta be waitin’ outside, golden dog blow fish!”

Red: “But I am not a dog.”

Barret: “Lissen, donkey bull dog, we don’t want no trouble. You jist wait here.”

Red: *sigh* “Fine. Just get the cake and come right out.”

Cid: “$#$%#¨%¨&%&$¨$#%¨@%$¨¨&&!”

Barret: “Yo! Cid’s right! We better tie ya up so’s you don’t run off!”

Red: “Oh goodness me.” *pause* “Although, yes, I must say that I might run away. Far, far away from you two.”

Barret: “Yo, you still talkin’? We’re goin’ in.”

(they go inside and red just sits there, hanging his head. inside…)

Barret: “Yo, Cid, you get da cake. I’m gonna check out that there jukebox and see if it’s got ‘Big Pimpin’.”

Cid: “#$%@^#$&%#$&#@.” *goes to the counter*

Little girl: “Mommy, what did that man just say?”

Mother: *covers daughter’s ears* “Words of the devil, honey!” *ushers the kid out*

(barret meanwhile, is flipping through the songs on the jukebox in one of the booths)

Barret: “Yo, wuz all this pansy ass white crap?? Where be da DMX and Jay-Z?!”

Cid: “$#%#@$^$@&^%&%*&%@#?”

Customer: “That language!”

Barret: “No way, man! I ain’t playin’ dat crap!” *his eyes widen* “Oh, hell! Dis is da stuff!”

(he takes out some money and puts some money in the dispenser and presses da–er…the numbers for the song)

Barret: “Yo! We gonna be jammin’ now!”

(nothing. someone coughs)

Barret: “What the $%^&?!”

Customer: “Oh gd!”

Cid: “@#@$%%^^&%^*&%&%@#%@#!”

Customer: “Oh dearie me!”

Barret: “Yo, why ain’t this playing?! Ass lancin’ piece of ghetto, bootleg crap!”

Cid: “#$%#$^$&$&%^&%#$@%$@#%#!”

Customer: “Goodness gracious!”

Barret: “I’m gonna get my money back, yo!”

(he sticks his finger all the way up the coin change slot, and he’s feeling around up there)

Barret: “Where it be, yo?”

Cid: “@#$%#^$#%^$%&%*!”

Customer: “That mouth!”

Barret: “Shu’ yo mouth, lady! Cid! Get da damn cake!”

Cid: “%#$%@#$^$^$&#$*&#!”

Customer: *shakes head*

Barret: “What you mean it ain’t ready yet?! You mean we gotta wait?”

(cid goes to answer, but he looks at the customer and just nods instead)

Barret: “Damn, man! And now I got no jammin’ tunes!” *he tries to pull his finger out but can’t* “What da…” *pulls harder* “Damn, man! My finger’s stuck in da hole!”

(meanwhile, outside, a small group of children are petting red)

Kid 1: “Good kitty…”

Kid 2: “He’s not a kitty! He’s a puppy!”

Kid 1: “Kitty!”

Kid 2: “Puppy!”

Red: *moans and lowers head* “…Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen…”

……………………………………………………………………………………

(back at the ramble room–the tv room to be specific–lark is sitting on the couch, wearing a party hat with her head in her hand and there’s a stuffed guinea pig puppet also wearing a party hat next to her**inside joke. don’t even ask**)

Lark: *sigh* “Happy birthday to me.” *looks at the puppet* “Whoo. We are havin a *great* time, aren’t we?”

(just the sound of the clock ticking)

Lark: *head in her hands* “Someone will come…”

…………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, zidane, steiner and vivi have showed up at a rentals place, all fired up)

Zidane: “Awesome! We get to pick up the jumping castle!”

Steiner: “I do think that most of the people are too big to be jumping on a trampoline type castle contraption.”

Zidane: *kneels down in front of vivi* “Vivi, are you too big to go on the jumping castle?”

Vivi: *blinks* “Um….no…”

(zidane grins and walks inside)

Steiner: *running after him* “Master Vivi does not count! He is only nine!”

(all three of them are inside, and zidane goes up to the counter, the other two behind him)

Zidane: “You just better stay the hell off it, Steiner. You weigh a ton with that armor.”

Steiner: *pouts* “Still as rude as you ever were.”

Zidane: *grins at him* “I think you’ve got me confused with someone else. I’m Zidane.”

Steiner: *getting red in the face* “Why you–!!”

Clerk: “Hey, can I help you?”

Zidane: “We need a jumping castle.”

Clerk: “What type?”

Zidane: *blinks* “Type?”

Clerk: “We have a couple of different types set up around back. You can go try them out first.”

Zidane: *eyes widen* “Cool!”

(he runs off to the back, where a few different jumping castles have been set up. his eyes are practically glowing as he goes for the biggest one. as he goes towards it he’s taking off his shoes, practically falling over in the process. but finally he gets onto it and starts jumping up and down while vivi and steiner watch.)

Steiner: “You hooligan! Come down from there!”

Zidane: *jumping around* “Whee!!!” *his dagger starts to slip out of his pocket*

Vivi: *watching him bounce* “I’m getting dizzy…”

Zidane: “Come on, Vivi! Join me!”

Vivi: *head spinning* “I’m dizzy…”

Steiner: “Zidane, your dagger is falling out of your pocket.”

Zidane: “Eh, it’ll stay.” *he bounces more and it falls out more*

Vivi: “Dizzy…”

Steiner: “Zidane, I would watch that.”

Zidane: *stops bouncing and stares at steiner with his hands on his hips* “Steiner, for the last time, my dagger ain’t goin anywhere, okay?”

(but just as he completes his sentence, the dagger comes sliding out of his pocket. zidane and steiner gasp as it bounces several times and finally lands on it’s side)

Zidane and Steiner: “Phew.”

Vivi: *passes out*

Steiner: “Oh dear. Master Vivi!” *rushes to his side*

Zidane: “Lemme just get my dagger, we’ll get this one delivered to the ramble room, and Lark’ll have the best damn birthday ever!”

(but he takes a step and the dagger bounces again, landing knife side down in the material. air can be heard escaping at a high pitched squeal)

Zidane: “Oh sh*t.”

(then the whole thing deflates very quickly, trapping zidane inside. only his head sticks out, and the rest of him is vacuum sealed into the….um…thing)

Zidane: “Oh crap! I’m stuck!”

Steiner: “I told you you were far too big for that.”

Zidane: “Shut up and get me out!!!!!”

…………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, Ashley and Noelle are headed…somewhere…they’re outside)

Ashley: “Lark’s gonna love that we got her a stripper!”

Noelle: “Yeah! It would have been better if some of the guys agreed to, but they won’t take their pants off in front of each other.” *mumbles things*

Ashley: “Only Irvine and Reno were willing….which isn’t too surprising when you really think about it.”

Noelle: “I wonder why the stripper wanted to meet us outside.”

Ashley: “Who cares, as long as he’s hot!”

(then all of the sudden heidegger pops out of the bushes and….sorry guys and girls…flashes Ashley and Noelle. and I don’t mean his chest…)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa!”

Ashley and Noelle: *scream and faint*

(the next time we see them, they are tied up with some special looking rope to some chairs in loser land! oh no…)

Ashley: *awakens* “What a bad dream…”

Noelle: *shuddering as she awakens* “I’ve been to hell already…”

(they open their eyes and see heidegger, kuja, hojo, scarlet and nida staring at them)

Ashley: “AHHHH!!! We’re still there!!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! My beauty paralyzed them!”

Ashley: *shudders*

Noelle: *shuts her eyes and mutters* “Reno naked… Reno naked… Ah…” *smile*

Ashley: “Where’s our real stripper?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m real!”

Noelle: “That was *you*?”

Kuja: “Scary? Isn’t it? At least you’ve yet to see Hojo naked as I have.”

Hojo: “You weren’t complaining.”

Kuja: *yawn*

Nida: “It worked! It worked! The plan actually worked!” *cuddles up to Noelle* “Wanna go out again?”

Noelle: “Ew, no!” *kicks him*

Nida: *grabs his leg* “Ow! My piloting leg!”

Ashley: “You losers! Let me go! We have stuff to do!”

Scarlet: “Hiring a stripper? What exactly kind of stuff are you doing? …And can I come?”

Noelle: “No! And if you must know…it’s Lark’s birthday.”

Hojo: “Ah… I see…”

Scarlet: “How old is the skank now?”

Nida: “Don’t worry, Scarlet, you’re still the oldest one around.”

(she kicks him in the other leg)

Nida: *grabs his leg* “Ow! My other piloting leg!”

Ashley: “Why have you captured us, you jackasses!? Let us go right now!”

Hojo: “I think not…” *thinks a moment* “I assume you’re planning a party for her…”

Noelle: “Well, *duh*. Everyone is out doing their part!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Empty ramble room! Gya haa haa!”

Hojo: *drums fingers together* “Hmm…that gives me an idea…”

Ashley: “Can you *please* tell us why you’ve captured us?”

Hojo: “Silence! My brain is functioning!”

Scarlet: *mutters* “For once.”

Noelle: *looks at Ashley* “This isn’t good.”

Ashley: *looks at Noelle* “No. This sucks.”

………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, laguna, kiros, ward and Lizzie are at the supermarket. laguna is carrying a list)

Laguna: “Hey hey! This is fun!” *drops chips in the cart*

Kiros: *hits himself in the forehead* “Ward says he wishes he was dead!”

Laguna: “That’s too bad, Ward!”

Ward: *looks angrily at kiros*

Lizzie: “Guys, let’s just get what’s on the list for the party so we can go back to the ramble room and celebrate Lark’s birthday. Although, knowing her, she’ll still find a way to hate it.”

Kiros: “Ward says that’s cause Laguna will be there.”

Laguna: *chin trembles* “….Does Ward really think Lark will think that?”

Lizzie: “No! Forget Ward!”

Ward: *glares at kiros*

Kiros: *mutters and glares at Lizzie* “Ward says he doesn’t like Lizzie.”

Laguna: “So what do we need off the list?”

Lizzie: *reading it* “Paper plates and napkins and stuff.”

Ward: *gestures down an aisle*

(they go down the aisle, kiros trailing behind looking cross)

Kiros: *mutters* “This sucks.”

Laguna: “I got Lark such a great birthday present!”

Lizzie: “I picked it out. And it’s from both of us.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! Who’s getting specific??”

Kiros: “Ward says you’re stupid!”

Ward: “!!!!”

(he turns around and hits kiros pretty hard on the head)

Kiros: *hand to his head as he stumbles a little* “I deserved that.” *collapses*

Lizzie: “Oh well.” *shrugs*

(laguna is trying to get a bunch of packages of plates off a shelf not to easily and is trying not to drop them)

Lizzie: “Laguna, do you need help?”

Laguna: “No, I go—-ah!!”

(he trips over his own two feet and smacks into a huge display of baby powder that promptly falls onto him, crushing him. a bunch of the containers also open up and it falls onto his skin)

Laguna: “Ahhhh!!! Help!!!”

Ward: *hits himself in the forehead*

Lizzie: “Too bad Kiros missed this. Are you okay, Laguna?”

Laguna: *is starting to get a bit…swollen* “I’m crushed! And allergic!” *sneeze*

……………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, irvine is…back on the farm? yes! he’s gone back to his home farm and is all smiles as he knocks on the door. austin opens it)

Austin: “Well lookey what the cat dragged in! If it ain’t my little brother, Irvine! How ya doin’?”

Irvine: “I’m doin’ good! You got that gift I phoned about?”

Austin: “I sure do! Come on in!”

(he comes in and they shut the door. all the kinneas family is gathered in the living room, doing various things. cal and dallas are playing checkers. gramps is reading a magazine about sheep. pa is reading weapons monthly, and san diego is reading glamour. billy bob is helping ma with her knitting)

Austin: “Hey, everyone! It’s Irvine!”

Whole family: *looks up* “Howdy!”

Irvine: *grins* “It’s good to be home.”

Pa: “We’re doin’ fine now that your brother got arrested.”

Irvine: “How’s he doin’?”

Cal: “He’s got 6 months left to serve.”

Gramps: “At least he wasn’t screwing with the sheep!”

Everyone else: *sweat drops*

Billy Bob: “Der hur! That’s your job, grandpa!”

Irvine: “Yeah, anyway, I’m here for Lark’s present.”

San Diego: “Omg, is it *SO* nice! She’s just gonna love it!” *looks behind irvine and frowns* “You’re alone?”

Irvine: “Seifer and Zell should be up here soon. They had to take another car.”

San Diego: *face falls* “Oh.”

Dallas: “Why didn’t you bring the girls, Irvine?”

Cal: “We *need* the girls.”

Irvine: “Maybe next time, okay, guys? Right now I need the present.”

Austin: “Go get it, San Diego.”

San Diego: *puts magazine down and gets up* “All right, but I’m taking the pick up truck out later to get some waterproof mascara.” *he leaves*

Ma: “It’s just like having a daughter.” *glares at everyone else* “Unlike you ungrateful men!”

Guys: *sweat drops*

Irvine: *mostly to himself* “I should introduce San Diego to Kuja….” *pause* “Nah, I’m not that cruel.”

Cal: “Hey, Irvine, how come every time we call the ramble room we get hung up on?”

Irvine: “The other guys don’t like ya.”

Dallas: “That’s cause we’re so much better.”

Cal: “Yee haw to that!” *he and dallas high five*

(san diego comes back down the stairs with a blue rectangular box)

San Diego: “Here it is, Irvine! Isn’t it just the prettiest thing *ever*?”

(irvine takes the box and opens it up. inside is a straight pin of solid gold. at the end is the word ‘lark’ separated by diamonds)

Irvine: “Perfect. This gift will top even Rufus’! She’ll love it!”

San Diego: “Just like the song says, it’s what a girl wants!”

Billy Bob: “I like blonde hair.”

Everyone: *blinks*

Irvine: “Um, yeah. So, thanks for everything, but I have to go.” *heads for the door*

Austin: “Already?”

Cal: “Don’t you wanna stay for lunch at least? We’re having lamb–” *grandpa gets alarmed* “Er…yeah.”

Irvine: “Thanks, but I really gotta get going. I’ll just flag Seifer and Zell down when I spot them.”

Family: “See ya’ll later!”

(so irvine goes outside. and he’s walking towards the car when he stops suddenly and takes the box out of his pocket. he opens it up, picks up the pin and looks at it in the sun)

Irvine: “Who’s the man? You are, you stud you.”

(then he hears a loud mooing from behind him)

Irvine: “What the…”

(he turns around to see a love sick cow running towards him)

Irvine: *eyes widen* “Oh no!”

(he tries to run, but the cow is faster, and bumps him from behind. the box and pin go flying out of his hands. irvine watches in horror as the box clatters to the ground and the pin goes flying into a nearby haystack. the cow decides it’s not interested and walks away, leaving a still horrified irvine staring at the haystack in dismay)

Irvine: “N-no! That can’t happen! It’s just not fair!”

(he gets up and goes to the haystack and starts searching frantically, throwing hay everywhere. but he finds nothing)

Irvine: *looks up in wide eyed horror* “I have to look for a needle in a haystack!”

(meanwhile, a few hours away…in a car of their own…are zell and seifer. seifer is driving, and if we remember, he drives *terribly*)

Seifer: *swerving* “This sucks, chicken wuss. Why did I get stuck with you?”

Zell: “Hey, if you didn’t spend all that time fixing your hair we could have left with Irvine, jerk!”

Seifer: “I have to look good in front of Irvine’s family!”

Zell: “As Squall would say: Whatever!” *pause* “Hey!” *grin* “I quoted Squall! Go me!”

Seifer: “You’re an idiot, chicken wuss. Tell someone who cares.” *swerves*

Zell: “You drive like a blindfolded jell-eye, Seifer! We’re gonna crash into something!”

Seifer: *looking at zell instead of the road* “Would you relax? And you wonder why you’re a chicken wuss! I’ve got everything under—“

Zell: *screams* “SEIFER! WATCH THE ROAD!”

(seifer looks back and tries to swerve, but it’s too late. the car goes off the road and into an embankment. the air bag pops out, suffocating seifer)

Seifer: “Mmmnmn!”

Zell: *rubs his head* “Jerkface! You have it under control my ass!”

Seifer: *pushes air bag away* “I did before *you* distracted me!”

Zell: “I said we were gonna crash, and we *did*.”

Seifer: “‘Cause of *you*!”

Zell: *sigh* “Well try and start the car!”

Seifer: “I can’t!” *tries* “It’s broken!”

Zell: “Now what?”

Seifer: “Fix it.”

Zell: “Grrrr…”

(he gets out and takes a look while seifer leans back in his seat and relaxes. several minutes later he returns, his face looking a little black)

Zell: “You really did it this time, Seifer! I can’t fix it. We need to get the car towed.”

Seifer: *sits up as his eyes widen* “Towed? But we’re in the middle of hicksville!”

Zell: “There’s a cabin up there.”

(he points up the hill where we see an all too familiar cabin with an all too familiar figure playing the banjo on the front porch)

Seifer: *scratches his head* “That looks familiar…”

Zell: “Get outta the car, you moron, and let’s see if they have a phone!”

(seifer opens the door, purposely hitting zell, who immediately flips out. he then locks the car and looks up to the cabin, shielding his eyes from the sun)

Seifer: “Definitely familiar…where have I seen it before?”

Zell: *whines* “Let’s *go*!”

Seifer: *glares at him* “Race ya!” *takes off*

Zell: “Cheater!” *follows*

(they run up to the porch, where we see our favorite cousin–cousin maxwell, playing his favorite hick song on the banjo. he frowns upon seeing the guys)

Maxwell: “Who you be?”

Seifer: “Uh…I’m Seifer…” *points to himself* “And this is Jerkface.” *points to zell*

Zell: *flips out* “You’re Jerkface!”

Maxwell: *blinks* “Moron’s a popular name ’round these parts.”

Seifer: *blinks*

Maxwell: “You can call me Cousin Maxwell! Ya like my purdy song?”

Seifer: “Uh…yeah. Can we use your phone?”

Zell: “Yeah, Jerkface crashed the car.”

Seifer: “Shut up, Jerkface!”

Maxwell: “Ya’ll come on in now!”

(the guys exchange looks and follow him inside. the place looks the same as it ever did. flossy in one corner, grandpa in the other, and the dead cow in the last one)

Maxwell: “Hey, grandpa! Looky here! We gots some visitors!”

Grandpa: “HOOEE!”

Maxwell: “This here’s Jerkface and this here’s Jerkface too.” *points to seifer and zell*

Grandpa: “Them’s purdy names.”

Seifer and Zell: *exchange looks*

Seifer: “Um…the phone?”

Maxwell: “Oh! Righty!”

(he goes and gets a dirty styrofoam cup that has a frayed piece of yarn attached to it)

Maxwell: “Here ya’ll are!”

Seifer: *takes it* “Uh…this is your phone?”

Maxwell: “We made it ourselves! Took us two years to get all them parts of it!”

Seifer: “…What the hell is it attached to?”

Maxwell: “Grandpa’s on it right now.”

(they look at where grandpa has the other cup to his ear)

Grandpa: “Cows and rats and sheep and pencils!” *cackles*

Zell and Seifer: *exchange scared looks*

……………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, lark is in the tv room still, idly throwing the guinea pig puppet up in the air and catches it again)

Lark: *unenthusiastically* “Whee. Best birthday ever.”

????: “Where’s the party?”

(lark turns around but sees nothing. then she looks down and sees belle in a party hat)

Lark: “Oh god.”

Belle: “Where’s the party?”

Lark: “No one’s here yet.”

Belle: “This sucks.” *goes to leave* “Later, loser.”

Lark: “Wait! Don’t go!”

Belle: *stops* “What, loser?”

Lark: “I’m bored outta my mind! You gotta stay! Even if…you are…just a dog.”

Belle: *growls*

Lark: “Eep! A cool dog!”

Belle: “I haaaaaaaate you.”

Lark: “I hate you too. But if you stay… I’ll give you treats!”

Belle: “….Beggin’ Strips?”

Lark: *sigh* “Fine. Beggin’ Strips.”

Belle: *flatly* “Yea!!!”

……………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, at another mall….quistis, squall, rinoa and selphie are standing around)

Selphie: *bouncing* “Whee! I just love birthday’s! This’ll be the best birthday ever!”

Rinoa: “All we need is the best present ever.”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Rinoa: “I have no idea what to get.”

Selphie: “Me neither! Do you have any ideas, Quistis?”

Quistis: “Hmmm…” *mumbles* “I’m trying to figure out where security would be lightest…”

Selphie: “What?”

Quistis: “Nothing. Let’s get her some nice jewelry.”

Rinoa: “Isn’t that just something to get when you don’t know what to get?”

Quistis: “Hey, you can’t go wrong with a $500 necklace.”

Rinoa: “What?! You’re going to spend that kind of money on a birthday gift?!”

Quistis: *shifty eyes* “Um, yeah. Come on.”

(so they all go into the store. quistis zeros in on her goal, while selphie and rinoa look around. squall looks really bored, and he’s got his hands in his pockets. they’re all pretty oblivious as quistis ever so expertly lifts an emerald and ruby necklace and sticks it in her pocket. then she hurries over to them)

Quistis: “Let’s go.”

Selphie: “But we didn’t pick anything out yet!”

Quistis: “I got it. Let’s go.”

Squall: “Whatever.”

(so they all go to leave, but quistis sets off the alarm at the door and looks around in…um…alarm!)

Selphie: “Whoopsie!”

Rinoa: “Better take it back to the counter and get the tag removed. Quistis. Quistis?”

(she turns to look where quistis was standing, but all that’s there is a cloud of dust, and quistis is running for her life. the others follow)

Selphie: “Quistis! Why you running?”

(and so they all run after quistis, who is running for the exit. and she’s almost there when like ten security guards step in front of her and she has to stop)

Quistis: “@#$^!”

(the others come up behind her and the guards surround the group)

Rinoa: “What’s going on, Quistis?”

Quistis: “Uh… I think this is a misunderstanding. The necklace didn’t have a price on it! I thought it was free!”

Selphie: *gasps* “Oh no!!”

Security guard: “You’re under arrest.”

(all the girls look horrified and put a hand to their head)

Squall: *shrugs* “Whatever.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in gundam wing land, in a place we not too accurately call libra… heero and duo are standing around with quatre and trowa and wufei)

Wufei: “Stupid birthday party for stupid woman! Birthday parties are weak!”

Heero: “Shut up, Wufei.”

Wufei: “Now I have to go pick up Zechs and Treize.” *mumbles* “Stupid jerks.”

Duo: “Just shut up and go, Wufei. We don’t wanna be late for the party.”

Wufei: *leaves mumbling something about something being weak*

Quatre: “I don’t understand why we have to get her our *own* cake.”

Heero: “Because. We have to have something better then *them*.”

Trowa: “Will the cake be poisoned?”

Duo: “No!”

Trowa: *garden snap* “Dammit.”

Quatre: “Well, Trowa and I are going to pick up the cake. When we come back we can all go have fun at the party!”

(then suddenly 4 little blonde girls come running into the room and crowd around quatre)

Girls: “Uncle Quatre! Uncle Quatre!”

Heero: *pulls out his gun* “I will destroy them.”

Quatre: “No, Heero! These are my nieces! Would you mind watching them for awhile while Trowa and I get the cake?”

Heero: “Yes.”

Duo: “Heero! We wouldn’t mind, Quatre.”

Quatre: “My sister Urethra…er…Urea…er…one of my sisters will be back to pick them up soon.”

Heero: *mumbles unhappy things*

Duo: “We’ll take good care of them, Quatre.”

Quatre: “Okay, we’ll be right back! Come on, Trowa!”

Trowa: “Can I drive?”

Quatre: “No, Trowa. You’ll just crash.”

Trowa: *hangs head*

(they leave, and heero and duo are alone with the girls)

Duo: “This’ll be fun, huh?”

Heero: *darkly* “No.”

Girls: *giggle and get in a huddle*

Heero: “They frighten me.”

Duo: “Oh come on, Heero! They’re little girls! What could they possibly do?”

Girls: *turns to face the guys grinning* “DRESS UP TIME!”

Heero and Duo: *wide eyed in fear*

………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back in the tv room, lark and belle are sitting on the couch. lark is not too enthusiastically feeding belle beggin strips)

Lark: “Haven’t you had enough yet?”

Belle: “Feed me or I’ll bark non-stop.”

Lark: “You’re such a pain in the ass.”

(she feeds the dog more treats. then the phone rings)

Lark: “Thank god! Maybe it’s Sephiroth!” *dives for the phone* “Hello?” *frown* “Oh, hi, mom.” *pause* “It’s not my birthday.” *pause* “No, it’s not.” *pause* “Well can’t you *pretend* it’s not?”

Belle: *snaps* “Feed me or I’m barkin’!”

Lark: *sigh* “Look, I can’t talk.” *pause* “Why? ….It’s best not to ask. Bye.” *hangs up* “You’re such a pain!”

Belle: “I haaaaaaaaaaaate you.”

Lark: “I hate you too!”

(then there’s a knock at the door)

Lark: “Ah ha! That must be someone!!”

(she gets up and runs to the door, opening it. standing there is obviously the losers dressed as the ‘good’ ff characters. hojo is vincent, kuja is sephiroth, scarlet is quistis, nida is squall and heidegger is reeve)

Hojo: “Hello, Lark. Happy birthday.”

Lark: “Nice try, *Hojo*.”

Hojo: “What Hojo? I am Vincent.” *holds up claw hand* “Though Hojo did give me this very useful claw. I could never do enough in thanks for it.”

Lark: “Riiiiiight.” *looks at kuja* “And you’re not Sephiroth.”

Kuja: *flips hair over shoulder* “I am too.”

Nida: “I’m Squall! Nida rocks so much more than I do!”

Scarlet: *pokes him* “Jerk! Shut up! She’ll find you out!”

Nida: “Ow! My piloting arm!”

Lark: “Nice try, *Nida* and *Scarlet*.”

Scarlet: “Scarlet? Who’s that? Let’s steal stuff and learn at Garden!”

Heidegger: “Gya–” *tries to stifle it with a cough and a hack* “I’m Reeve!”

Lark: “My ass you are.”

(belle pokes her head over the back of the couch)

Belle: “Where?!” *spots heidegger* “You kiiiiiicked me!”

Heidegger: “Gya?”

(belle launches for heidegger and starts attacking him)

Heidegger: “Gya haa–ow!!!” *tries to shake her off*

Lark: “Hmm… should I help or not? This is a hard one.” *ponders*

Kuja: *sigh* “I need to reapply my lip gloss.”

Hojo: *hits him and hisses* “What did I tell you?? Sephiroth doesn’t wear lip gloss!!” *sees lark glaring at him* “Um, angel.” *smile*

Kuja: “Well he *should*. It keeps your lips from getting chapped.”

Hojo: “I think we should keep those lips of yours from moving!” *grabs kuja and kisses him*

Nida: “Ew! My virgin eyes!” *pause* “I mean…whatever. I’m a jerk. Where’s Nida?”

Scarlet: *hits him again*

Nida: “Ow!! My piloting shoulder!”

(hojo releases and smiles at lark in satisfaction)

Hojo: “Now do you believe I’m Vincent?”

Lark: “That was one piece of yaoi I *never* wanted to see. And you’re not Vincent! I’m going out with Sephiroth! He and Vincent don’t kiss anymore.”

Hojo: *eyes light up* “You mean Vincent is free??” *clears throat* “Um…I mean, I *am* Vincent.”

(belle is still attacking heidegger)

Heidegger: “Gya haa–ow!! Get off me, doggy! Gya haa–ow!!”

Scarlet: “Stop laughing you loser! Reeve doesn’t laugh like that!”

Heidegger: “Kya haa haa gya?”

Scarlet: “That’s *my* laugh, you imbecile!”

Kuja: “Now I *really* need more lip gloss. And this leather is too constricting. Can’t Sephiroth wear a dress?”

Hojo: *hits himself in the forehead* “NO, An*gel*!”

Lark: *pokes belle with her foot* “Belle, that’s not Reeve.”

Belle: *stops attacking* “Oh… But he kiiiiiicked me.”

Lark: “It’s not him.”

Belle: *goes back to the couch* “Get me more treats, loser!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m safe again!”

Lark: *cracks knuckles* “Not quite.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa!” *protects his head*

Scarlet: “I told you she wouldn’t fall for it, you moron!”

Nida: “Well if you were a better *actress* it might have worked!”

Scarlet: “Me?! I wasn’t the one saying Squall sucked and asking where *Nida* was!”

Nida: “Well I—” *pause* “Shut up!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Fighting!”

Hojo: “This didn’t work out at all.”

Kuja: “I told you I should have been Tseng.”

Hojo: “You don’t look like him at all!”

Kuja: “Doesn’t he wear lip gloss?”

Hojo: “No!”

Belle: “Where are my treats?? I’ll start barkin’!”

Lark: *puts a hand to her forehead* “I hate my birthday.”

………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in gw land, trowa and quatre have reached the bakery and are inside)

Quatre: *goes up to the counter* “Hi, I’m Quatre. Quatre Raberba Winner. I ordered a cake yesterday and I’m here to pick it up!”

Clerk: *blinks* “Yeah. Okay, buddy. It’s not ready yet. Be another 5, 10 minutes.”

Quatre: “Okay, we’ll wait.”

(he goes back over to trowa)

Quatre: “We have to wait.”

Trowa: “Who are you?”

Quatre: “Trowa!”

Trowa: “Oh right. Hi, Quatre. We have to wait?”

Quatre: “Yup. 5-10 minutes.” *sigh* “This cake is going to be beautiful! Just beautiful! The frosting with be beautiful, the writing will be beautiful, the fake candy flowers will be–“

Trowa: “Quatre, please. You are making me more suicidal.”

Quatre: “Oh, I’m sorry, Trowa! Too bad we don’t have our instruments to pass the time.”

Trowa: “That would just be strange.”

Quatre: “You think?”

Trowa: “Who are you again?”

(and so it goes… 5-10 minutes later, quatre goes back to the counter)

Quatre: “Hi, I’m Quatre. Quatre Raberba Winner. Is my cake ready yet?”

Clerk: “No. It’ll be about 5 or 10 minutes.”

Quatre: *nods* “Okay.” *goes back to trowa* “It’ll be 5-10 minutes.”

Trowa: “Is it just me…or does this seem all too familiar?”

(meanwhile, at treize and zechs’ mansion…wufei pulls up in his car and goes to the door and rings the doorbell)

Wufei: “Answer the door for Wufei, weaklings!”

Treize’s voice: “Just a second!”

(treize opens the door wearing a towel around his waist)

Wufei: “This does not look ready!”

Treize: “Ready?” *laughs* “I think not. We just got out of the shower.”

Zech’s voice: “Treize! I can’t find my leather pants!”

Treize: “Did you check your closet?”

Zech’s voice: “Yes!”

Treize: “Hold on, I’ll help you look!” *to wufei* “Do come in. We shouldn’t be long.”

(wufei comes in and they shut the door. treize goes off, leaving wufei alone in the hallway)

Wufei: *sniffs the air* “Smells like banana.”

(treize comes back in the hallway holding up a pair of pants and shirt)

Treize: “What do you think of this outfit, Wufei?”

Wufei: “I do not *care* what you look like!”

(zechs comes out in his leather pants, holding a shirt over his arm)

Zechs: “Don’t ask him. Look at those pants he’s wearing.”

Treize: *looks him over* “Ugh, you’re right. Can we say fashion emergency?”

Wufei: *looks at himself* “What’s wrong with Wufei’s pants?”

Treize: “That puffy thing is *so* 1991.”

Wufei: *stamps foot* “Who cares?! Throw some clothes on so we can go!!”

Zechs: “Geez, what a bitch.” *as he walks away* “You know, I think I like my *other* leather pants.”

Treize: “And I’m not liking this outfit. I’ll pick out something else.”

Wufei: *eyebrow twitches*

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, Katie is carrying a shoebox to her car)

Katie: “Yeah! Lark is just gonna love you two cute fluffy bunnies! And she’ll love your names too–Zechs and Treize!”

(she opens the back door to the car and uncovers the shoebox. there are more than 2 bunnies in there. in fact, there are like 12. some of the baby bunnies hop out of the box)

Katie: *gasp* “Oh no! What happened!? Looks like Zechs wasn’t a boy after all!” *notices all the baby bunnies hopping everywhere* “Wait, bunnies! I can’t go anywhere till you’re all safe!!” *starts gathering them*

…………………………………………………………………………………

(and in the meanwhile, cloud, tifa, yuffie and elena have gathered in some distant ramble room….room, and are standing around. cloud, all liquored up, is sitting in a director’s chair with his name written on the back in marker. elena is holding a megaphone)

Elena: “Okay, you guys, Sephiroth gave us the job of coming up with something funny for Lark’s birthday skit! Now remember, this has to be the best birthday ever, so it has to be FUNNY! And of course it’ll be awesome, cause FF7 rocks!” *smile*

Yuffie: “Can my materia be in the show?”

Elena: “Is that really important?”

Yuffie: “Yes!!”

Cloud: “How much am I getting paid for this job?”

Tifa: “Job?”

Elena: “Nothing. We’re just doing a skit for our friend’s birthday.”

Cloud: *crosses arms with a pout* “Well, I’ll do it, but I won’t like it.”

Elena: “I’m the director, so you guys have to listen to what I say.”

Yuffie: “Hey! How come *you’re* the director?”

Elena: “Cause I’m a Turk! And Turks rock!”

Tifa: “I don’t think I want to take orders from anyone in Shinra.”

Elena: “What do you mean? It’s just a birthday skit!”

Tifa: “Next thing you know you’ll be taking over *everyone’s* part!”

Yuffie: “Yeah!”

Elena: “I will not!”

Cloud: “I can’t work under these conditions! I want more money!”

Elena: “No one is getting paid!”

Tifa: “We’ll go on strike if you don’t treat us right!”

Elena: “We didn’t even start yet! And how do you know I won’t be a good director?”

Yuffie: “Shinra scum!” *sticks tongue out*

Elena: “Hey!! Avalanche scum!”

Tifa: “There are more of us than there are of you!”

Elena: *backing up* “Hey! I’m a Turk! I could kick your ass!!”

(tifa and yuffie advance. cloud starts filing his nails)

Cloud: “I want my own make-up artist.”

Elena: *sweat drops* “Hey, guys, how’s this? I’ll be director, and if you don’t like it, I’ll step down, and one of you can do it? Huh? Huh?” *hopeful eyes*

………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile…back at the ramble room, the losers are still arguing in the back, while lark is sitting on the couch, clearly bored out of her skull, while belle walks around. we can only see lark, but we can hear what’s going on in the background)

Lark: “I hate my life.”

Nida: “Ow! My piloting knee!”

Hojo: “Hush, all of you! Our plan is getting ruined!”

Scarlet: “Our plan was ruined two hours ago as soon as Lark opened the door.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Lunch time!”

Other losers: “Ew!!!!!!”

Lark: *doesn’t turn around* “I don’t even wanna know.”

(belle steps on the playstation, turning it on.–note–she really did this. i was asleep, and she walked into my room, stepped on the playstation, and i heard it turn on, cause i recognized the sound–how sick is that–and i had to turn it off. stupid dog! anyway…)

Belle: “I wanna play.”

Lark: “You can’t. You don’t have opposable thumbs.”

Belle: *snaps* “I wanna play! You play for me! I tell you what to do.” *hops on the couch*

Lark: “Uh….okay.” *sweat drops*

(so lark picks up the controller, and turns on the tv. it’s chrono cross. she goes to move the party…)

Belle: “I don’t wanna go that way!”

Lark: “What way do you wanna go?”

Belle: “Right!”

Lark: “That’s into a wall!”

Belle: “Go right!”

(lark mutters unhappily but turns the characters so they are walking into the wall)

Lark: “Ya happy now?”

Belle: “No. Go in the sky.”

Lark: “I *can’t* go in the sky!”

Belle: “Go in the sky!”

Lark: “Kiss my ass!”

Belle: “Biiiiiiiite me!”

Scarlet: “Geez, they fight like we do.”

Lark: “That’s it! No video games for you!”

(she shuts off the playstation and flips to regular tv instead. and who, to her surprise, is on tv?! but none other than sephiroth! next to him are several other people she doesn’t recognize, none of which look too thrilled)

Lark: “What the #$%#?!”

Belle: “He didn’t like my funny joke.”

Guy 1: “You beat me up in high school!”

Guy 2: “You beat me up in middle school!”

Guy 3: “You beat me up in elementary school!”

Sephiroth: “I’m gonna beat you all up right now if you don’t shut up!!”

Lark: “I don’t believe this! He goes on some cheezy tv show instead of being with me on my BIRTHDAY?! My least favorite day outta the whole YEAR?!”

(the losers crowd around)

Kuja: *thoughtfully* “Yeah, the camera *does* add ten pounds.”

Scarlet: “Goes to show you anyone can get on tv these days.”

Nida: “When’s your episode of Jerry Springer taping?”

Scarlet: *casually* “Next week.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa!! Skeevy!”

Lark: “I don’t believe this! This is the worst birthday ever!” *pouts*

Host: “Now, Sephiroth, guess who’s our next guest?”

Sephiroth: “I hope it’s Vincent so I can *beat* HIM *UP*!”

Host: “Tee hee, nope! Sephiroth, please welcome–your father.”

(some guy comes out that’s obviously *not* his father)

Phony father: “Hello, son!”

Sephiroth: *slinks back* “That’s not my father!”

Host: “Aw, come on now, Sephiroth! I think you’re in denial!”

Sephiroth: “No, that’s really *not* my father!”

Hojo: *gasp* “I knew I was supposed to be somewhere today!” *grabs kuja by the wrist* “Come on, you can be Lucretia!”

Kuja: “Finally a part I can play.”

(they leave. lark turns around to glare at the other losers)

Lark: “Why are you still here?”

Heidegger: “….Gya haa?”

Lark: “GET OUT!!!!!”

Scarlet: “Geez, and they call *me* a bitch!”

(the other losers leave, and lark plops down on the couch)

Lark: “This sucks.”

Sephiroth: “That is really *not* my father!”

Phony father: “Give me a hug, son!”

Sephiroth: *running away* “Ahhh!!”

Lark: “You jerk!”

(she picks up the remote and angrily changes the station. then we immediately switch to the tv studio where the show is filming. sephiroth is still running from his fake dad)

Sephiroth: “He’s not my daddy!” *reaches for masamune* “I’ll kill you, Vincent!”

Vincent: *from off stage* “Be nice, angel!”

Sephiroth: *goes up to the host and shakes her shoulders* “Listen, lady! I don’t wanna be here! It’s my girlfriend’s *birthday*!”

Host: *laughs* “But we have all these special guests here to see *you*!”

Sephiroth: “Nooooo!” *the phony dad hugs him* “Ahhhhhhhh!! This is the worst day *ever*!”

Vincent: *off stage* “Oh dear. Perhaps this was a bad idea.”

…………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, you’ll recall where we left reeve and tseng i’m sure. heh heh heh. anyway, they have their shirts in a pile next to them as they continue to make out on the floor of the dressing room…i’ll basically let the dialogue speak for itself.)

Tseng: “No, Reeve.” *bats his hand away*

Reeve: “No what?”

Tseng: “No *that*.”

Reeve: “Why not?”

Tseng: “Because anyone could walk in!”

Reeve: “No one is going to come in here!”

Tseng: “Is there a lock on the door?”

Reeve: “No… But trust me, no one will.” *pause* “You don’t want to *stop*, do you?”

Tseng: “NO!” *ahem* “Um, no. No. No I don’t. Keep going.”

(so they pick up again, and they’re so involved with one another that they don’t hear the footsteps coming, and they don’t hear the door open either. standing there are two people, one a girl with a clipboard, and the other is an guy with frosted blonde hair, leather pants and a skin tight pink shirt…um…need i spell out it for you anymore?)

Guy: “Perfect!”

(tseng and reeve break apart *really* fast and turn around to see who has discovered them)

Tseng: “I told you!”

Reeve: *grabs his shirt* “So you were.”

Guy: “You know, we were *just* panicking cause one of the couples for our show backed out! But perfect! I found one right here!”

Reeve: “What are you talking about?”

Guy: “Our talk show! Today’s topic is gay couples in modern society!”

Reeve: “I’m not gay.”

Tseng: “Oh boy.” *puts a hand to his head*

Guy: “What do you mean you’re not gay?? You were just making out with him!” *points to tseng*

Reeve: *turns to tseng with a gasp* “You’re a guy?!”

Tseng: “Reeve, please.”

Reeve: *to the other guy* “What kind of guy has long hair like that?”

Tseng: “Reeve–no offense, but I look more masculine than you do.” *indicates his sculptured chest*

Guy: *looks tseng over* “Hey, buddy, if you don’t want him, I’ll take him.” *grin*

Reeve: “Hey! No staring!” *turns to tseng and whispers* “I know that, honey, I’m just trying to cover it up!”

Tseng: *whispers back loudly* “Well you’re doing a crappy job!”

Girl: “We’re on in five minutes, Simon.”

Simon: “Exactly why we have to get these two on the set right away.”

Reeve: “We don’t want to be on your show.”

Tseng: “We’re just waiting for two friends of ours. We have to go to our friend’s birthday party today.”

Simon: “Don’t worry! You’ll be out in plenty of time!” *calls* “Make-up!”

(a bunch of people rush in, put makeup on reeve and tseng and drag them to the show set against their will)

Reeve: *insistently* “I’m not gay!”

(they’re both plopped down on the couch, and simon steps onto the set)

Simon: “Relax– just be yourself.”

Reeve: “I do *not* like men!”

Tseng: “He said be yourself, Reeve.” *crosses arms and pouts*

Reeve: “I thought you were with me in trying to hide it!”

Tseng: “He caught us making out!”

Reeve: “You used to help me hide it before!”

Tseng: “Well that was our friends. It’s different.”

Reeve: “Well now it’s national television!!”

Director: “And we’re on in 5, 4, 3, 2–“

Simon: “Hello, and welcome to the Simon show. Today our topic is gay couples in modern society. Please welcome my first guests!”

(the audience claps while tseng and reeve pout)

Simon: “Please introduce yourselves to the audience!”

Tseng: “Tseng.” *pouts*

Reeve: “Ruf–” *gets nudged by tseng* “Ow!” *rubs his arm and glares at tseng* “I’m Reeve.”

Simon: “Welcome to you both!” *to audience* “We caught this happy couple making out in the dressing room right before we went on air!”

Tseng: *hits himself in the forehead* “Why do I feel like a whore?”

Reeve: “We were *not* making out!”

Simon: “Then what did you call that?”

Reeve: “I….uh…was giving him CPR!”

Simon: “Uh huh, and tell me, when you give someone CPR, do you usually have your hands where you had yours, Reeve?”

Reeve: *blushes and stutters* “Uh…I…um…”

Tseng: *head in his hands* “Oh yeah. Definitely feel like a whore.”

Simon: “It seems Reeve is in *denial*! What do you think, audience?!”

Audience: “Yes!”

Reeve: “I’m *not* gay!”

Simon: “Let’s see what Tseng has to say.”

Reeve: “Uh oh.” *looks at tseng and whispers* “Come on, Tseng! Play along with me! Do me a favor! I love you!”

Tseng: *gives him a look* “You have a mic, Reeve. Everyone just heard what you just said.”

Reeve: *pales* “Oh, shi–“

Tseng: *claps a hand over his mouth* “You’ve said enough, Reeve.”

Simon: “So, Tseng, what is the status of your relationship with Reeve?”

Tseng: “Right now I couldn’t say.”

Reeve: *eyes widen*

Simon: “Are those matching rings on your fingers?”

Reeve: “Uh….they’re friendship rings! We’re really, really good friends!”

Simon: “Really good friends who make out with one another?”

Reeve: “No!” *turns to tseng* “Are you mad at me?”

Tseng: *turns away* “…………..”

Simon: “Uh oh. It seems that Tseng is pretty pissed at Reeve!”

Reeve: *buries his head in his hands* “Today is the worst day ever.”

…………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, shell and rude are *still* searching for their car…)

Shell: *whines* “*Rude*! Where’s my car?”

Rude: “It’s my car, Shell.”

Shell: *blinks* “No, Rude. Your line is: ‘sweet’.”

Rude: “Sweet, Shell. Sweet.”

Shell: *sighs and shakes her head* “You just took all the humor out of that line, Rude.” *sigh* “This is great, we’re totally lost, and here I am with the bestest present in the world for Lark and the bestest outfit in the world for me!” *pause* “Hm, I think I’ll put it on.”

Rude: “Where, Shell?”

Shell: “Behind that car over there.” *she goes behind a car* “Now, Rude, you keep watch. And no peeking!”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

(rude stands there with his back to the car while she ducks behind one of the cars and changes. when she comes out she’s wearing an olive green dress, a brown belt, brown high heels and brown sunglasses. she looks like she just stepped out of an army recruiting center–and she really *does* own an outfit like this–)

Shell: “What do you think, Rude?” *poses*

Rude: “It suits you, Shell.”

Shell: “Of course it does. Now where’s the damn car?!”

Rude: “Um….that way, Shell.” *points*

Shell: *starts walking* “It damn well better be, Rude! We searched almost this whole damn garage! When we get back you’re going to have to buy me some of those bath crystals so I can soak my feet! And we’re going to be late for the party! And my sister is gonna whine whine whine about how this was the worst birthday of all the crappy birthday’s she’s ever had. And she’s gonna sit there with that guinea pig puppet and mope with a party hat on and ten years from now we’re still gonna hear about what a horrible birthday she had and how every year gets worse and worse and worse.” *stops and turns around to look at rude* “Are you listening to me, Rude?”

Rude: *sigh* “Yes, Shell.”

Shell: “Good! Now find the damn car!” *stalks off*

Rude: *sigh* “This is the worst day ever.”

……………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, back in the victoria’s secret dressing room)

Opal: *trying to cover herself with her hands* “This is no good! I can’t get changed with you standing in here!”

Twilight: “Why not?”

Opal: “Twilight!”

Twilight: “Okay, okay!”

Opal: “We’ve been in here for hours! How can no one hear us cry for help?”

Twilight: “I guess it’s a popular store! What do I look like, a security camera? I say let’s make out to pass the time.”

Opal: “Twilight, no! This isn’t the time or the place! We’re already late for Lark’s party.”

Twilight: “Who?”

Opal: *gives him a stern look*

Twilight: “Oh right. Her. Who cares! I don’t think she likes me anyway!”

Opal: “Twilight, we have to find a way out of here! ….How about your lightsaber?”

Twilight: *sweat drops* “My lightsaber? Sure! That’ll work wonders!”

(he takes it out and flashes it on and off real fast)

Twilight: “Aw, dammit!”

Opal: *gasp* “What happened?!”

Twilight: *banging it* “Damn crystals! Stupid Jedi crap! You know, you can never rely on your weapon when you need it most.”

Opal: “What about the Force?”

Twilight: “I think there are yalsamiri around.”

Opal: “In the mall?!”

Twilight: “Yeah, they don’t want some Jedi to go nuts and start freezing people’s hearts!”

(he backs her into the corner and wraps his arms around her)

Twilight: “Looks like we have no other choice!”

Opal: *shoves him away* “No! There has to be a way out of here!”

Twilight: *sigh* “Haven’t I convinced you it’s like impossible yet?”

Opal: “No!” *pounds on the door* “Can anyone hear me??”

Twilight: *plops in the chair and mumbles* “I am determined to miss this lame party.”

Opal: *getting desperate as she pounds on the door* “Come on! I’m stuck! Someone’s gotta be shopping out there!!” *sighs and leans her head against the door* “This is the worst day ever.”

Twilight: *relaxes with his hands behind his head and stares at her butt* “I dunno. Don’t look so bad from here. Heh heh heh.”

………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in the closet…)

Rufus: *sighs as he bangs his head against the door* “Why are you and I always stuck in the closet?”

Reno: *chuckles* “Speak for yourself, buddy.”

Rufus: *shoots him a nasty look* “Very funny, Reno.” *whines and bangs on the door* “We’re missing the party!!”

Reno: “Yeah, this does totally suck.” *sighs and leans against the wall* “You just know Lark’s having a crappy party without me.”

Rufus: “No, she’s having a crappy party without *me*.”

Reno: “No way, man. No one sings the Copacabana like Reno can.”

Rufus: “No one *wants* to because it’s so *bad*.”

Reno: “Oh, like your punch is so great?”

Rufus: “You’re jealous of my punch! That’s why you’re always talking about it!”

Reno: “I wouldn’t make a *plant* drink that crap.”

Rufus: “Leave the punch outta this!” *pouts* “Well this is getting us nowhere.”

Reno: “No, it’s not.” *pause* “So what did you get Lark?”

Rufus: “A sports car. You?”

Reno: *gulp* “Uh, the new Blessid Union of Souls CD.” *pause* “It was on sale.” *pause* “Wait, what the hell is in the closet then?”

Rufus: *shakes the gift box* “The keys, dofus! The car’s at the dealer. She has to go pick it up.”

Reno: “Well ooh laa laa. Too bad not everyone has enough money to buy everyone a *car* on their birthday.”

Rufus: “Yeah. Too bad.”

Reno: *glares at rufus*

Rufus: *glares at reno*

Both: *think* THIS IS THE WORST DAY *EVER*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, back at the diner….cid has been trying to get barret’s finger unstuck)

Barret: “Damn, man! Dat’s the fifth thing you tried that ain’t worked! Try something else!”

Cid: “#$@#$@#$^@%^@*#%@!!”

Barret: “Yo, what you mean you outta ideas?!” *tries to pull his finger out* “My finger’s stuck, man! We ain’t gonna be doin any partyin’ till I’m free!”

Cid: “@#$(^@*@^%#*%(@(%^@*!!”

Barret: “Don’t you be callin’ me stupid, foo! If I had my hand free I’d whoop yo’ white ass! Now get me outta here!”

Clerk: “Uh, sir, your cake is ready.”

Cid: “@#$@%&(&*(@#$@#%&&*(&Q#$@#$*^#@$^%#$(%^%^@(*^$@^$@*^%^@^%*!!!”

Barret: “You tell ’em, yo! Dat there cake was supposeda be ready hours ago! We’re supposed to be slammin’ wit’ our homies now, yo!”

(cid quite unhappily picks up the cake and goes stomping back over to barret with it)

Cid: “#$@#*&^(*^!@#$@!#$*^(&!”

Barret: “It ain’t my damn fault this thing’s busted! I outta sue this place’s ass! You gotta get me outta here man, or Lark is gonna kick *my* ass when we get back!”

Cid: “@#$@#%&((*@#@!^@!*^%@$^%^#$(*%!!”

Barret: “You said it, man! Now think a somethin’!!!”

(meanwhile, outside, red is still tied up and is sweating in the sun)

Red: “Hot…sun…brain….spasming…nose….drying….urge to kill Barret…rising…higher…than….usual.”

(some lady comes by with a kid)

Lady: “Aw! You poor puppy! Did your mean owner tie you up and leave you in the hot sun?”

Red: “If you really wish to know, madam, I am *not* a puppy, and I am my own being. Now please stop staring before I bite you.”

(the lady looks really scared and drags the kid inside)

Red: *checks the time by the sun* “Hours have passed…what is taking those fools so long?” *sigh* “Is it possible that they left me here?” *hangs head* “Today is truly the worst day ever.”

………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, poor zidane is still stuck in the collapsed jumping castle. vivi has been revived and is sitting on the grass, and steiner is not to be seen)

Zidane: *cries* “I am NEVER *EVER* jumping in one of these things ever again.”

Vivi: “Me neither, Zidane. It made me dizzy.”

Zidane: “I could see that, Vivi.”

(steiner comes back out)

Zidane: “Steiner! Thank goodness! Now that we’ve already tried like *everything* to try and get me outta here, did you talk to the guy behind the counter?”

Steiner: “Um…I’m sorry but I’m afraid I have some bad news about that.”

Zidane: “What do you mean???”

Steiner: *clears throat* “It seems that the store has been closed up. We were out here so long that they forgot about us completely and just closed the store.”

Zidane: “Oh great. So you’re telling me there’s no one to help me get outta this death trap.”

Steiner: “Precisely, yes.”

Vivi: “Oh no…”

Zidane: “Well, what time is it?”

Steiner: *checks time* “I’m afraid to say that we’ve missed a good portion of Miss Lark’s birthday party.”

Zidane: “Dammit!!! That’s it, get me outta here, Steiner! Just cut me out of it. We’ll run for the hills, and they’ll never know who did it.”

Steiner: “I refuse to vandalize.”

Zidane: “Steiner! You have to! I’m slowly dying in here!” *pause* “Besides…you’re missing a pressing engagement….”

Vivi: “He’s right.”

Steiner: “Master Vivi! Are you on his side?”

Vivi: *shrugs* “I want birthday cake.”

Zidane: “Thata boy, Vivi!”

Vivi: “I hope it has sprinkles on it.”

Steiner: “I shall do my best to cut you out of there, Zidane.”

(he takes out his sword and makes a cut in the material, but it only ends up letting more air out and crushing zidane even further into it)

Zidane: *gasps for air* “STEINER!!!”

Vivi: *covers his eyes* “Oh dear…”

Steiner: “I seem to have made an error…”

Zidane: “Get me outta here before I suffocate!!!”

Steiner: “Perhaps if I inspect the material further.” *he proceeds to do so*

Zidane: *gasps* “Worst day EVER!”

………………………………………………………………………………….

(Back in the tv room, lark is sitting on the couch, and she’s flipping through the channels. belle is curled up quietly on the couch for a change)

Lark: “Ugh! And there’s nothing even on tv!”

(she comes to the channel with sephiroth on it again)

Lark: “Well there he is. Mr. Popularity. Looks like he’s too damn popular to be with me on my birthday.”

(we see the tv and a crowd of about 20 people beating up on sephiroth. some are jumping on his head, and others are even dragging around his ankles)

Sephiroth: “Oh god you are a dead man, Vincent! A DEAD MAN!”

Host: “Sephiroth, we have an extra special surprise for you! Your *real* father and your *mother* showed up!”

Sephiroth: *eyes widen* “Mommy?!?!?!?!?!?”

(the crowd of people gets off of him and gathers at the right end of the stage to glare at him. sephiroth looks happily at the left end of the stage, but out steps hojo with kuja)

Sephiroth: *face falls* “Those aren’t my parents. That’s a jackass and his wanna-be girl boyfriend.”

Kuja: *flips hair over his shoulder* “I’m pulling it off.”

Hojo: *holds out his arms* “Son! I love you!!” *runs for him*

(sephiroth stands there, looking intensely afraid at hojo coming for him and at the group of people just waiting to beat him up. ultimately he decides the large group is better than hojo, and he runs that way, screaming at the top of his lungs, hojo at his heels. the group, hojo and all, pounces on him, and it looks like he’s being eaten alive by vultures. …except for kuja, who just takes out a compact and calmly starts to apply some makeup, ignoring all the chaos onstage.)

Lark: “Beat him up! He deserves it!!” *she shuts the tv off and gets up* “I’m hungry.”

Belle: *looks up* “Me too.”

Lark: “But you just ate enough for like five elephants.”

Belle: “I’m *hungry*.”

Lark: *sigh* “I’ll worry about you later. You stay here, I’m just gonna go into the ramble room and make myself a late lunch.”

(she leaves dragging her feet. in the meanwhile, belle stretches out, and, even though she’s a small dog, manages to take up the whole freakin’ couch. like 5 minutes later, lark returns with a bowl and spoon)

Lark: “Ooh. You can’t have a better birthday lunch than Easy Mac!”

(she sits in the chair and puts the bowl down on the table. she opens the sauce packet and pours it in, and then she mixes it in with a look of dismay)

Lark: “Oh, dammit! I put too much water in it! Now I’ve got *watery* TASTELESS Easy Mac for lunch!” *puts a hand to her head* “I just can’t win.”

Belle: “And you forgot a napkin.”

Lark: “Dammit! *And* I forgot a napkin!”

(she gets up in a huff, and leaves the tv room. belle, in the meanwhile, gets up, puts two paws on the table, and eats up all the easy mac before lark can return. just as lark gets back, she lays back on the couch. lark comes back, plops down in the chair and looks into the bowl)

Lark: *shocked* “Oh no…” *looks at belle* “You didn’t.”

Belle: *has cheese sauce around her mouth* “No.”

Lark: *clenches fist* “You’re telling me, that you ate my amazingly crappy birthday lunch, that, as crappy as it was, was all that was left in the damn place????”

Belle: “…No.”

(let’s cut to the outside of the ramble room, shall we?)

Lark’s voice: “ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

…………………………………………………………………………………..

(in the meanwhile, Ashley and Noelle are no better off…they’re still tied up… scarlet, heidegger and nida have returned and are playing a quiet (?!?!?!) game of candy land…)

Nida: “Why aren’t we playing Tiddly Winks?”

Scarlet: “Heidegger ate them all and we still haven’t bought new ones.”

Nida: “Oh.”

Heidegger: *picks a card* “Gya haa haa! Plumpy!”

Scarlet: “That means you have to go back to the beginning, ass.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! When do I get the candy?”

Nida: “There’s no candy! It’s just a board game!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Rip off!”

Scarlet: *picks up his piece* “Shut up before I cram this happy little gingerbread man down your throat!”

Ashley: *turns to look at Noelle* “Nice, aren’t they?”

Noelle: “Hey, you haven’t spent a whole day with them.”

Ashley: “I can’t believe we’re missing the party! This majorly blows!”

Noelle: “I know!!! I bet everyone’s having a ton of fun, and we’re stuck here watching the losers play a board game for 6 year olds!”

Nida: “Whoo hoo! Queen Frostine! I’m gonna kick your ass, Scarlet!”

Scarlet: “Can it, jackass. Like I really give a flying rat’s ass.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Gumdrop lane!”

Ashley: “If I could hit myself in the forehead, I would.”

Noelle: “If I could I would for you.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Licorice!” *tries to lick the board*

Scarlet: “Ew! Get your tongue off there, Heidegger! I don’t know where it’s been!”

Heidegger: “Less places than yours has! Gya haa haa”

Scarlet: “That’s it!!!”

(she pounces on heidegger and a dust cloud appears. five seconds later, he’s tied up besides Ashley and Noelle)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Girls!”

(Noelle and Ashley make disgusted faces and try to edge away)

Scarlet: *brushes off her hands* “Much better.”

Nida: *draws a card* “All right! Double purple! I win! Whoo hoo! Who rocks? Nida, that’s who! Who’s the man? Nida is! Yeah!”

Everyone: “Shut up!” (gya haa haa!)

Nida: *pouts* “You’re all jealous.”

Ashley: “This is the worst day ever.”

Noelle: “Worse than that day when Sephiroth killed everyone?”

Ashley: “Hey, at least we didn’t have to see the losers.”

Nida: “Hey, whore, you actually did something good for once! I think Heidegger is better off restrained!”

Scarlet: “I was always good with rope.”

Noelle: *mutters* “I wonder why.”

Nida: “So what do you want to do now?”

Scarlet: “Ew, who says I want to do something with you, you whiny little brat.”

Nida: “Who says I want to do something with you, you stupid, skanky ho!”

Scarlet: “Whiny brat!”

Nida: “Stupid ho!”

Noelle: “I don’t know who’s description is more accurate.”

Ashley: “Let’s call it a draw.”

Nida: “I hate you!”

Scarlet: “I hate you more!!”

(they glare at one another and they suddenly, out of nowhere, they grab one another and start making out like their plane is going down. everyone else’s jaw drops)

Heidegger: “Free porn! Gya haa haa!”

Ashley: *closes her eyes* “Worst day ever?”

Noelle: *shuts her eyes* “Ugh. Yeah. Oh hells yeah.”

…………………………………………………………………………………..

(innnnnnnnnnn the meanwhile, Lizzie and laguna and ward and kiros are no longer at the supermarket. they have moved to the emergency room, where they have apparently been waiting a long long time. laguna is so swollen he looks like he’s gained 50 pounds, and kiros is still passed out)

Lizzie: *checks time* “Oh man. We’re missing the party. Lark is probably throwing a fit right now.”

(laguna tries to speak but his lips are too swollen)

Lizzie: “Don’t try to talk.” *sigh* “Great. This is just wonderful.” *checks watch again* “Juuuuuuust wonderful.” *she looks over at ward* “This sucks, huh?”

Ward: *nods*

Lizzie: “You know, you’re always there, but I never talk to you.”

Ward: *shrugs*

Lizzie: “Does Kiros piss you off to no end?”

Ward: *nods enthusiastically*

Lizzie: “Yeah, I thought so.” *checks the time again* “Man, this is ridiculous! What if someone got shot or something?!”

(laguna tries to speak again)

Lizzie: “Laguna! Give it up! And we *know* you’re President of Esthar!”

(a nurse comes out)

Nurse: “Loire and Seagill?”

Lizzie: “Finally! Let’s go, Laguna!”

(she and the others are go into a small waiting room where they lay kiros down and laguna sits in one of the chairs)

Nurse: “It’ll just be a short wait.” *she shuts the door and leaves*

Lizzie: “Oh no.” *looks at ward* “Why do I think this won’t be short at all.”

(suddenly kiros comes to and sits up, holding his head)

Kiros: “Oh man…where am I?” *looks over at the others* “Ward… Lizzie… What the…” *sees laguna* “What the hell happened to him?”

(laguna tries to talk)

Lizzie: “Give it up!” *to kiros* “He fell into a display of baby power, which fell on him, which produced an allergic reaction, which is why he looks like he belongs in The Nutty Professor.”

Kiros: *snorts* “Ward says you’re a stupid klutz!”

(Lizzie looks at ward, who nods, and hits kiros on the head again)

Kiros: *seeing stars go around his head* “I don’t want to go to school today, mommy. I want to stay home and bake cookies with you.” *passes out again*

(Lizzie and ward high five)

Lizzie: “We get along well.”

(laguna tries to speak)

Lizzie: “Ward says SHUT UP!” *pauses and smiles innocently at ward* “Whoops.”

(ward picks up a piece of paper and writes something on it. he holds it up and it says: today is the worst day ever.)

Lizzie: *laughs* “Yeah, and I bet Lark would agree with you before her awesome party today!”

…………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile…back at the farm, irvine is still searching through the pile of hay. he’s covered in it and is quite exasperated)

Irvine: “Whoever made up that expression was right! It really *is* impossible!!”

(he dives back in and keeps searching. in the meanwhile, billy bob, san diego, austin, dallas and cal come outside and just kinda stare at him)

Austin: “Um…I mean we all like hay, but *geez*.”

Cal: “I thought he left a few hours ago.”

Billy Bob: “Der hur! He looks funny like.”

Dallas: “Irvine! What the hell are you doin?”

(irvine, a bit startled, gets up and casually brushes the straw off himself the best he can. he picks his hat out of the pile and puts it on his head and more straw falls out on him)

Irvine: “I was just….uh…smellin’ it.”

San Diego: “God, if you like the smell of hay so much, why don’t you make a cologne out of it?” *pause* “Ooh! That gives me an idea!”

Dallas: “Aren’t you missing the party?”

Irvine: *checks the time and eyes widen* “Oh man! Totally!”

Cal: “So get on!”

Irvine: “I…..can’t.”

Austin: “Why not?”

Irvine: *scratches the back of his neck* “Cause…uh…um….I kinda….lost her present….in the…haystack.”

Kinneas brothers: “WHAT?!”

San Diego: “You idiot! After I went through all that trouble!”

Irvine: “I’ve been searching for it all this time and I can’t find it!!”

Cal: “Well ya can’t find a needle in a haystack!”

Billy Bob: “It’s unpossible.”

Brothers: *look at him funny*

Irvine: *pleads* “Come on, you guys gotta help me! You’re my brothers!”

Austin: “You gonna bring the girls next time you come?”

San Diego: *clears throat*

Austin: “And a guy for San Diego?”

Irvine: “YES!”

Cal: “You heard ’em, boys! Let’s dive on in!”

Brothers: “Yee haw!!”

(they all dive in the pile, except for irvine, who stands there, shaking his head with a sigh as he looks at his watch)

Irvine: “Oh man….Lark’s gonna kick my cowboy ass… ….This ain’t one of my best days.”

………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, a few hours away at cousin maxwell’s house…zell and seifer are sitting out on the porch)

Seifer: “Where the hell is that stupid hick Irvine? We’ve been waiting out here for hours!”

Zell: “You don’t think we coulda missed him, do ya?”

Seifer: “No, chicken-wuss! No cars have come by at all!”

Zell: “This blows! We’re missing Lark’s party! She’s gonna kick our asses!!”

Seifer: “At least Irvine’s missing it too. What the hell is he doing at his stupid house?”

Zell: “Maybe the sheep got sick.”

(cousin maxwell sticks his head out)

Maxwell: “Hey, ya’ll there! Ya’ll want some juice?”

Zell: “What kind?”

Maxwell: “I dunno. But we squeeze it with our feet!”

Zell: *shudders* “Ew…”

Seifer: “Uh…we’ll pass.”

Maxwell: “Your loss!” *goes back inside*

Seifer: “I can’t wait to get outta here.”

Zell: “Yeah, me too. Did you see that pool out back? It looks like a horror movie set for ‘Swamp Thing’.”

Seifer: “You’re swamp thing, chicken-wuss.”

Zell: *flips out* “What did you call me?!”

(all of the sudden it starts to rain)

Seifer: “Oh sh*t!!!”

Zell: “This blows worse than before.”

Seifer: “You would know, chicken-wuss.”

Zell: *flips out* “Hey!!!”

(part of the roof of the porch collapses, dumping a ton of water onto seifer)

Seifer: “Aw, #$%^!”

Zell: *laughs* “Ha ha! Sucks to be you!”

(cousin maxwell comes outside)

Maxwell: “Looks like a storm’s a brewin’.” *sees roof* “Oh no! Not again! It’ll take us months to get more cardboard!”

Zell and Seifer: *sweat drops*

Maxwell: *to seifer* “Lookit ya’ll now! You’s covered in that there storm water! Come on inside now and I’ll find ya somethin’ right purdy ta wear.”

Seifer: “Uh…that’s okay. I’m perfectly happening…freezing to death.” *teeth chatter*

Maxwell: “Don’t be silly now! Come on!”

(he drags seifer inside, and zell follows. inside a fire has been lit, and grandpa is sitting his his rocking chair, petting flossy and smoking a corncob pipe)

Maxwell: *to zell* “Ya’ll talk to grandpa while I get Jerkface here some right purdy duds.” *starts dragging seifer off*

Seifer: *mouths* “Help!”

Zell: “Heh heh heh. Sucks to be him.”

(one they’re gone, zell turns to look at the grandpa)

Zell: *points to flossy* “Is that a sheep?”

Grandpa: “I wish! It ain’t no more!” *cackles*

Zell: *cringes*

Grandpa: “You wanna go? I just finished.”

Flossy: *baas and twitches*

Zell: *cringes more* “No…thanks…I feel…kinda sick right now…”

(seifer comes back looking horrified. he’s wearing momma’s dress)

Seifer: *quietly* “Help me, Zell! Help me!”

Zell: *quietly* “God help us all! That sheep thing isn’t a sheep anymore!”

Seifer: *quietly* “Is that possible?”

Maxwell: “You look right purdy in momma’s dress.” *licks lips*

Grandpa: “Right purdy.” *licks lips*

(seifer shudders and walks closer to zell, who shies away)

Seifer: *scared out of his mind* “….I hate today…”

(lightning crashes)

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, squall, selphie, quistis and rinoa are in the mall security restraining area… squall is sitting there, selphie is sitting there, but not too patiently, quistis is leaning against the wall with her arms crossed, and rinoa is up holding the bars in dismay)

Rinoa: “Please let us out? My daddy is very powerful!”

(the security guard shakes his head and walks away)

Quistis: “Shut up, crack whore.”

Rinoa: *turns* “Hey! You shut up! If it weren’t for you *we* wouldn’t be here right now! And, may I point out, you’re the only one who can be tried as an adult!”

Qusitis: *sweat drops*

Selphie: *whines* “We’ve been in here for hours! We’re missing the party!”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Rinoa: “I wouldn’t whatever that, Squall. Lark is gonna be so mad at us when we get back…”

Squall: *eyes widen* “Uh oh…”

Selphie: “Yeah! And now we don’t even have a present!”

(they all glare at quistis)

Quistis: “What? Being an accomplice isn’t half as bad as being the actual thief! You guys should pity me!”

Rinoa: “We should beat you up!”

Selphie: *whines* “When do we get our one phone call?”

Rinoa: “Yeah! You’re right, Selphie!! We’ll call Irvine to come bring our bail money! He won’t tell Lark about it if we tell him to keep quiet.”

Selphie: “Maybe we’ll be back in time for cake!”

(rinoa goes and pounds annoyingly on the bars until the guard returns)

Guard: “What is it?”

Rinoa: “We want our phone call.”

Guard: *sigh* “Fine…”

(rinoa takes the phone and dials. she waits until an exasperated irvine answers)

Irvine: “What?”

Rinoa: “Irvine, it’s Rinoa!”

Irvine: “Uh oh! Look, I’m really sorry I’m not at the party yet! I’ve been having a lot of problems.”

Billy Bob: *in the background* “Der hur! I found grass!”

San Diego: *in the background* “Shut *up*!” *sigh* “You made me break a nail.”

Rinoa: “You’re not at the party *either*?”

Irvine: “….You’re not at the party?”

Rinoa: “No! Quistis got us arrested! We wanted you to come bail us out! Where are you?”

Irvine: “Um…I’m still at my parent’s house.”

Rinoa: “That’s hours away!”

Irvine: “Look, when I’m done here, do you want me to come bail you out or not?”

Rinoa: “Well, this is our only phone call, so *yes*!”

Austin: *in the background* “Is that a *girl*, Irvine?”

Irvine: “Shut up and keep looking!” *ahem* “All right, I’ll be by as soon as I can.”

Rinoa: *sigh* “Yeah, thanks. Bye.”

(she hangs up and goes and sits on the bench, pouting)

Selphie: “Is he coming?”

Rinoa: “Irvine’s not at the party either. He apparently is still at his parent’s house for some reason, so it’ll be *hours* before he comes to bail us out.”

Selphie: “Oh poop!”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Quistis: “…Sorry.”

Rinoa: *mutters* “This is the worst day ever.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, heero and duo are not in the best of positions. they have been dressed as girls and tied to chairs by quatre’s nieces. the girls got picked up awhile ago, but the two pilots are stuck)

Duo: *struggling* “Come on, Heero! Don’t tell me the perfect soldier can’t get out of knots tied by little girls!”

Heero: “They’re slip knots. It’s impossible. Every time I struggle I cut off more of the blood flow.”

Duo: “You know, if OZ had just tried this, there would have been no more of us! Geez, it’s hard to believe that nothing can restrain two Gundam pilots except a couple of little girls!”

Heero: “………”

Duo: “We’re missing the party, aren’t we?”

Heero: “Lark is going to be upset with me.”

Duo: “She’s going to be upset with all of us! I mean, where are Trowa and Quatre? They haven’t come back to pick us up yet!”

Heero: “This is all too strange.”

Duo: *shifts uncomfortably* “This dress is too small for me.”

Heero: “Mine itches.”

Duo: “Where did they find this stuff anyway?”

Heero: *shrugs*

Duo: *struggles more* “THIS SUCKS!”

Heero: *winces* “Would you shut up? You’re making it worse.”

Duo: *turns and glares at him* “This is one of the worst days ever.”

Heero: “We have many ‘worst days’.”

Duo: “Yeah. …That kinda sucks, don’t it.”

(a silence passes)

Duo: *pouts* “I can’t believe they said I looked like a girl.”

Heero: “They said I looked like a girl too.”

Duo: “Where the hell is Quatre?!”

Heero: “Hm… Where could they be…?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………

(yes, where *are* they? well, trowa and quatre are *still* at the bakery waiting for their cake to be ready! they’re not alone in there anymore, and there are several more people waiting)

Trowa: “I could have killed myself ten times by now.”

Quatre: “Trowa!” *sigh* “They keep saying 5 to 10 minutes, but that was several hours ago.” *sweat drop*

Trowa: *reaches for gun* “Want me to shoot them? I could shoot myself afterward.”

Quatre: “No, Trowa! I’m sure it’ll be ready soon. Duo and Heero are probably worried about us. We’re missing the party!”

Trowa: “Maybe Lark will get so mad at us for missing most of the party that she’ll kill me.”

Quatre: “I don’t think so, Trowa.”

Clerk: *bangs bell* “Cake for Stevens?”

(a woman goes up and gets her cake)

Quatre: “Didn’t she come in after us?”

Trowa: “Yeah.”

Quatre: *frowns* “This is becoming unfair.”

Trowa: “Where are we again?”

Quatre: *pushes him* “Trowa! Come on!”

Trowa: “Oh right. A bakery. I’m with you.”

Quatre: *taps foot* “I’m getting a little annoyed.”

Trowa: “You can kill me to take out your agression.”

Quatre: “No, Trowa!”

Trowa: “Come on! You did it before with the mobile suit!”

Quatre: “No, Trowa!”

Trowa: *mutters unhappily* “This is a bad day for us both.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meaaaaaaaaanwhile, at the mansion of treize and zechs, they *still* aren’t ready. well, they’re dressed, but now they’re picking out cologne. wufei is spasming in the doorway)

Wufei: *twitch* “Come on, come on! Let’s go, you homos! Since I’ve been here you’ve gone through 25 outfits, showered twice more, and tried on 15 pairs of shoes, *each*! Pick a cologne and let’s go! We’re LATE!”

Treize: “It’s good to be fashionably late.” *admires himself in the mirror* “I’m not sure if these pants are exactly what I’m looking for.”

Wufei: *twitch*

Zechs: *puts on some cologne and smells it* “Ugh, I don’t like this. What do you think?” *has treize smell it*

Treize: *shakes head* “No, I don’t like that. Where did you get it?”

Zechs: “It was a gift from Relena. I should have known better.” *sighs and starts stripping* “I’ll have to shower again.”

Treize: *seductively* “I’ll join you.”

Wufei: “Wait, NOOOOOO!!”

(but they go off into the bathroom anyway)

Wufei: *in complete and utter exasperation* “THERE IS NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD!!!”

Treize: *pokes his head out* “Wufei, we’re out of shampoo. Be a dear and get some?” *goes back in*

Wufei: “ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!! TODAY IS WUFEI’S WORST DAY EVER!!”

……………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in Katie’s car, there are bunnies *everywhere*, even on her…and she’s still gathering them up, and she looks really frazzled)

Katie: “Come on, bunnies! You’re making me miss the party!!”

(the bunnies could apparently care less, and they’re hopping around)

Katie: *grabbing some more bunnies* “Come on! Stay put!!” *exasperated sigh* “Today blows!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in the depths of the ramble room, elena, tifa, yuffie and cloud are…practicing?)

Yuffie: “I’m not doing that.”

Elena: “Why not?!”

Yuffie: “Because you’re bossy.” *sticks out tongue*

Tifa: “Yuffie’s right.”

Elena: “We’ve barely even gotten anything done!”

Cloud: *drinking from a flask* “I want to be paid in advance.”

Elena: “You’re not even getting paid!”

Tifa: “We should get paid to put up with you!”

Elena: “I haven’t done anything!” *sigh* “This is all so pointless! You guys suck! Today sucks! I give up!”

(she stomps out)

Yuffie: “….If she’s going home then I am too.”

Tifa: “Me too.”

(both of them leave)

Cloud: *gets out of his chair* “That’s it! I’m on strike!”

(they all stomp out and go home. apparently…they all forgot about the party…)

………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in the tv room, lark is sitting there, pouting. belle is just laying there too. lark checks the time with annoyance)

Lark: “It’s been like, all damn day, and no one has come.”

Belle: “They haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate you.”

Lark: “I’m beginning to think so!” *she grabs the tv remote* “Is that stupid show still on?”

(she turns it on. sephiroth looks kind of beat up as he’s sitting there, his head in his hands, crying)

Sephiroth: “I hate myself!”

Lark: “You *should*!” *pouts*

Host: “Now, now, Sephiroth, there’s no need for tears. We have another guest for you!”

Sephiroth: *sobs* “No! No more, please!”

Host: “Everyone, please welcome Vincent Valentine.”

Sephiroth: *eyes flash* “Vincent?!”

(vincent is forcibly pushed onstage)

Vincent: “I don’t think this is a good idea right now. He’ll probably kill me.”

Sephiroth: *looks at vincent* “Vincent?”

Vincent: *tries to shield himself* “I’m sorry, angel!”

(sephiroth rushes over but he doesn’t hurt vincent. instead he just falls to his knees and grabs vincent around the legs as he keeps crying)

Sephiroth: “Everyone hates me!”

Vincent: “Angel, I thought you knew that.”

Sephiroth: *sob* “Everyone!”

Vincent: “I do not hate you. Neither does Lark.”

Lark: “Hey! He said my name on tv!” *pause* “But he shouldn’t be *on* tv!” *pouts*

Sephiroth: *sniff*

Lark: “Eh, this boring. Let’s see what else is on.” *she changes the channel*

(back at the studio)

Sephiroth: *sniff* “Lark…I missed the whole party.”

Vincent: “That’s my fault, angel.”

Sephiroth: *triumphantly* “The day’s not over yet!” *gets up and looks at the host* “Is this damn show over yet? How desperate *is* this station??”

Host: “Give me a break. There are no good shows left on USA.”

(sephiroth and vincent nod in sympathy)

Host: “But yes, we are done for today! Tune in tomorrow for our next exciting ten hour episode of ‘This Is Your Life’!”

(the audience claps, and seph and vincent rush off stage)

Sephiroth: “Vincent, never ever EVER sign me up for anything ever again.”

Vincent: “Duly noted, angel.”

Sephiroth: *looks around* “Now where the hell are Reeve and Tseng?”

Vincent: “Shall we check that dressing room they were in?”

Sephiroth: “Oh, right.”

(so they go there, but, of course, it’s empty)

Sephiroth: “Dammit! Where the hell did they go? They couldn’t have made out in here?”

Vincent: “What makes you think they were going to do that, angel?”

Sephiroth: *gives him a look*

Vincent: “I see your point.”

Sephiroth: “Come on, let’s find them so we can get the hell out of here and get back to the ramble room!”

…………………………………………………………………………………..

(back at the tv room, lark is flipping through the channels)

Lark: “Oh man! MTV is replaying the Real World New Orleans AGAIN?!” *flips channels* “See, this is why I like never watch tv.”

Belle: “I’m hungry.”

Lark: “I don’t want to hear *you’re* hungry! I’m *starving*! You ate my fricken lunch!”

Belle: “It sucked.”

Lark: “I *know* it did!”

(suddenly she comes across the channel with reeve and tseng and the talk show. tseng looks pretty pissed, he’s turned away from reeve. reeve looks like he’s really at the end of his ropes. his hair is a mess and he looks a bit sweaty)

Lark: “What the #$%^ is this now?! Is *everyone* on the fricken tv today?”

Belle: *looks up and spots reeve on tv* “He kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicked me!” *launches herself at the tv*

Lark: “Ack!!!”

(she grabs a leash and ties belle to the couch. the dog continues to struggle)

Belle: “He kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicked me!”

Lark: “Shut up! I wanna hear this!” *pause* “Even if they are missing my gosh darn BIRTHDAY!”

Simon: “Reeve, why won’t you just admit you’re lying?”

Reeve: *buries his head in his hands* “I hate myself.”

Simon: “Tseng, are you mad at him?”

Tseng: “Yes!”

Reeve: “I said I was sorry!”

Tseng: “No you didn’t! You just said you were sorry this happened!”

Reeve: “Well I am!”

Lark: “Uh oh…this don’t look good.”

Belle: *growls* “He kiiiiiiiiiiiiiicked me!”

Lark: “Shut the hell up! I’m watching this!”

Simon: “Tseng, what are you feeling right now?”

Tseng: “I’m feeling pissed off because he’s ashamed to be seen with me!”

Reeve: “I thought we agreed we were going to hide this!?”

Lark: “Oh, geez. Everyone knows anyway!”

Tseng: “That was different.”

Reeve: “How?”

Tseng: “We don’t know these people–they won’t judge us.”

Reeve: “So you’re saying our *friends* will judge us, but *strangers* won’t?”

Lark: “Aw!! How could they think that?”

Tseng: “…Yes.”

Reeve: “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!” *sigh* “Look, I was just trying to go along with what we agreed on!”

Tseng: “……………..”

Reeve: *puts a hand on his shoulder* “Look, I’m not ashamed to be with you. Not at all. …Why are we hiding it at all anymore?”

Tseng: *sigh* “…You’re right, Reeve. It was stupid for me to get mad.”

Simon: “Do I sense reconciliation?”

Tseng: *small smile* “Yes.”

Simon: “Do you have anything you wish to admit, Reeve?”

Reeve: *smiles at tseng* “Yes.” *stands up and faces the camera* “I love Tseng, and I don’t care who knows it. I love him, because…I just do.” *looks back at tseng* “And look how hot he is!”

Tseng: *stands up too* “I love you too, Reeve.”

(they hug)

Lark: “Aw!!! Wasn’t that so cute, Belle?”

Belle: *pulls at collar so much she’s weezing* “He…kiii…iii…ii…cked…me…”

Simon: “Well that’s all for today, April 18th 2001. See ya next time!”

Lark: *pause* “Oh right. It’s my birthday.” *flips tv off* “And apparently everyone would rather fight on tv then spend time with me!”

Belle: “That’s cause you suck.”

Lark: “Ohhhhh….” *hangs head*

(back at the tv studio, sephiroth and vincent are looking around)

Sephiroth: “Where the hell are they?”

Vincent: *points to the set where tseng and reeve are kissing* “Found them.”

Sephiroth: “I told you!” *sees all the other people around* “Shouldn’t they be in a closet somewhere though?”

Vincent: “It is quite puzzling.”

(sephiroth stomps over, vincent in pursuit and taps reeve on the shoulder)

Sephiroth: “Show’s over, boys. Let’s go.”

(but they’re not paying attention to anything else but one another)

Sephiroth: “Reeve! Tseng! There are other *people* around! They’re *looking* at you!”

Vincent: “I don’t think they care.”

Sephiroth: “How can they not care? That’s part of they’re horribly predictable character!”

Vincent: *clears throat* “Um, we are missing Lark’s birthday. Can’t you continue this in the car?”

(they finally break apart, and turn around to look at the other two)

Tseng: “Oh!” *blushes* “How long have you been standing there?”

Sephiroth: “Long enough to be sick to my stomach! We already missed the party! Now all that’s left is to go back, get on our hands and knees and *beg* for mercy!”

Reeve: “You’re right. Lark’s gonna be so mad.”

Sephiroth: “To say the least! Let’s go!”

(so they start to leave, tseng and reeve are hand in hand as they make their way out)

Random passing guy one: *laughing at seph* “Hey, look! It’s that guy who didn’t have any friends!”

Sephiroth: *chin trembles* “Hey!!”

Vincent: *pats him on the shoulder* “It’s okay, angel.”

Sephiroth: *hangs head*

Random passing guy two: *upon seeing reeve and tseng* “Queers.”

(quick authors note: *covers ears*  i hate that word! bad, bad word! i didn’t wanna write it, but i had to. it was either that or the other one, and i hate that one more, so i used this one cause of the tv show that has this word in it. okay, just had to point out my hatred for derogatory words. continuing…)

(tseng and reeve look at one another, and separate hands quite sadly)

Reeve: “Maybe…we’re not ready yet.”

Tseng: “I don’t think it’s really us.”

(they go back to the car, all depressed now, well, except vincent, but he’s always subdued anyway. they get in the car, reeve and tseng in the back, looking out their separate windows, and sephiroth slumped over in the front seat. vincent’s all set to drive)

Vincent: “Is something wrong?”

Reeve, Tseng and Sephiroth: *all mumble things*

Vincent: “Hmn.”

(he shrugs and starts the car)

……………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile…back in that parking garage at the mall…shell and rude are *still* wandering…)

Shell: *whining* “Ru~ude!  Why can’t you find the car??”

Rude: “You told me where to park, Shell.”

Shell: “Whatever. We missed the whole party! Now I’m going to owe Lark for the rest of my life! Do you know what it’s like to be someone’s slave?”

Rude: “I could take a guess, Shell.”

Shell: “It’s not something you’d want to experience, Rude. Trust me.” *she stops and looks around* “Hmmmm….” *has her eyes on a black bmw*

Rude: “That’s not our car, Shell.”

Shell: “We can *make* it our car, Rude.”

Rude: “Uh oh.”

Shell: “You have useful skills, Rude. I’m sure they taught the Turks how to steal a car!”

Rude: “…. …. ….That’s besides the point, Shell.”

Shell: “Come on, Rude! Let’s go! We already missed the party! Someone stole our car, so we’ll steal theirs!”

Rude: “No one stole our car, Shell. We just can’t find it.”

Shell: “Shush! That’s what we’ll tell the cops if they catch us.”

Rude: “I don’t think that makes it right, Shell.”

Shell: “Rude, did I say we should steal the car?”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Shell: “Do I ever say anything *wrong*, Rude?”

Rude: “Oh no, Shell.”

Shell: “That’s what I thought, Rude. That’s what I thought.”

Rude: *sigh* “I’ll get the car started.” *walks towards it* “This isn’t much like the Geo we came in…”

(rude gets the car started, and they both get in)

Shell: “If anyone asks, you bought me this car, Rude.”

Rude: “Then where are the keys, Shell?”

Shell: “You dropped them. Cause you’re stupid.”

Rude: *sigh* “Yes, Shell.”

(they pull away, and like 2 minutes later, two guys, dee and ryo, who you’ll remember from the sephiroth land ramble i’m sure, approach the empty spot holding several shopping bags)

Ryo: “I think I could have lived if we spent less time in Spencer’s, Dee.”

Dee: “Hey–that store is cool!”

Ryo: *shakes his head and then notices the car missing* “Um… Where’s the car?”

Dee: “Didn’t we park it here?”

Ryo: “I thought so.” *pause* “No, definitely so.”

Dee: *hits himself in the forehead* “You’re telling me someone stole the car of two cops in the middle of a suburban mall’s parking garage?!”

Ryo: “I told you to get an alarm for it!”

Dee: “Aw sh*t! This sucks!”

………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile…….back in that victoria’s secret dressing room….opal is sitting in the corner pouting, while twilight looks quite pleased with himself in another)

Opal: “Doesn’t anyone shop in this store besides me?”

Twilight: “Guess they’re all too cheap for it.”

Opal: “I can’t believe we missed Lark’s entire party! She’s going to be so mad at us…”

Twilight: “Oh well. I’ll add it to the list of people who hate me.”

Opal: “Twilight!”

Announcer voice: “Attention mall shoppers. The mall will be closing in ten minutes.”

Opal: *jumps up* “Oh no! We’re going to be trapped in here!!”

Twilight: *gets up* “Oh no we’re not!”

Opal: “Yes we are! There’s no one to let us out, and we’re trapped!”

Twilight: *grabs for lightsaber* “We are not!” *turns it on* “Ta da! The great Twilight XyXia to the rescue!”

(he breaks the lock and pushes the door open with dramatic flair and a grin at opal)

Opal: *glares at him* “Twilight…”

Twilight: “What? Why aren’t you jumping for joy? I got us out, didn’t I?”

Opal: “You told me your lightsaber was broken like 5 hours ago.”

Twilight: *sweat drops* “No I didn’t. I said… Aw, dammit.”

Opal: “You *lied* to me, Twilight.”

Twilight: “No… What I said was true… From a certain point of view…” *backs away*

Opal: “Don’t give me that Obi-wan Kenobi made up crap!” *crosses arms* “I’m so mad at you! You ruined my day!”

Twilight: *hits himself in the head* “Oh man. I am *never* getting any.”

………………………………………………………………………………………

(back at the diner…things ain’t goin’ well for our homie barret and his pal cid….barret’s finger is *still* stuck in the jukebox, and cid is sitting there with his head in his hands….)

Barret: “Yo! We missed da whole party, yo! Lark’s gonna whoop my ass!”

Cid: “#@$%#$^$^&%&*$^#@^#@%$^$^*&!!”

Barret: “You said it! An’ how come no one came ta help me out!? That’s discrimination, yo!”

Cid: “$#%#^$&%%*^*&%&#$^@!!”

Barret: “Damn straight!”

(the manager of the place comes over)

Manager: “Excuse me, gentlemen–are you planning to leave any time soon? You’re scaring the patrons away with your excessive cursing.”

Barret: “Yo! We can’t leave, yo! My hand be stuck in this here death trap!”

Manager: “Oh, is that the problem? Why didn’t you say anything before?”

Barret: “I’ve been ranting about it for a couplea hours, yo!”

Manager: “Well no one can understand your…um…way of speaking.”

Barret: “Yo! What be wrong wit’ da way I speaks?”

Cid: “@#$#@$%^$&$&#$%#^$&!”

Manager: *winces*

Barret: “Dere be *nothin’* wrong wit’ how we talk!”

(he bangs on top of the machine with his gun arm and the song ‘what a wonderful world’ comes on and barret’s finger comes out)

Barret: “What da…” *listens* “Yo! It finally worked!”

Cid: “#@%#^%&$&%^&@!”

Barret: “Damn straight! And I got my finger back!”

Manager: “Wonderful. Can you please leave now? Your pet is scaring everyone away outside.”

Barret: “Oh, that ain’t our pet.”

Manager: “Then what is it?”

Barret: “We was hopin’ you’d tell us.”

Cid: “$#%%#^$&%^*%&*%@#!”

Barret: “Yo, you be right, man! We gotta get that there cake home and hope Lark’s sleepin or somethin’!” *bends finger* “Damn! This hurts man!”

(they go outside where they see red staring at them darkly)

Red: “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been out here?”

Barret: “Yo, man! My finger was stuck!”

Cid: “#$%$#^$&$&%^*^(&@%$&%%*!”

Barret: “Yo, you tell ’em!”

Red: *holds up piece of chewed through leash* “I’m quite upset. You had better make it up to me or…”

Barret: *eyes widen* “Aw, sh*t, yo! Da piranha’s gonna eat us!”

Cid: “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(they run the hell towards the car, red at their heels)

Red: “Might as well threaten their lives before Lark does.”

…………………………………………………………………………………….

(in the meanwhile, our friend zidane is *still* stuck in the jumping castle, and he can’t really talk cause every time he does it chokes him more. vivi sits nearby, trying to console him, and steiner is trying to think.)

Vivi: “Don’t worry so much, Zidane. We already missed the party, so we can’t be late.”

Zidane: *eyes get really wide and he goes to talk but vivi slaps a hand over his mouth*

Vivi: “Maybe Lark won’t hurt us if we explain what happened. And maybe there’s even leftover cake.”

Zidane: *shakes head sadly and then glares at steiner*

Steiner: “I am currently thinking.”

Zidane: *mouths bad words*

Vivi: “…Um… I think he wants you to think faster.”

Steiner: “This is a very delicate matter! We cannot rush into this! I don’t want to crush him more! If there was only a way to cut him out without using a sword…”

Zidane: *lightbulb* “Vivi!” *gets crushed more* “Ow!”

Vivi: “Don’t talk, Zidane! What’s wrong?”

Zidane: *mouths* “Scissors!”

Vivi: “Oh! Scissors!”

Steiner: “Of course! Why didn’t I think of that hours ago?”

Zidane: *shakes head*

Vivi: *takes out pocket knife* “My pocket knife has a scissor function!” *pulls out teeny tiny scissors*

Steiner: “It might take quite awhile to cut through this with those!”

Zidane: *shakes head sadly*

(but vivi gets to work with the scissors. and about 45 minutes later–guess who’s free!)

Zidane: *running and jumping around* “Yeah!!! I’m free! I’m free! I’m–” *trips on a stick and falls* “Dammit!”

Vivi: *pokes deflated and cut up jumping castle with his foot* “What are we going to do with this now?”

Zidane: *rubs his head* “Better put it in the car so they don’t find it.”

Steiner: “Stealing now? I won’t hear of it!”

Zidane: *picking up half of it* “Get it, Steiner.”

Steiner: *picks up the other end* “I don’t why we’re doing this…”

Vivi: *wrings hands* “I’m going to be sad if there’s no birthday cake left…”

(back at the hospital, Lizzie, ward, laguna and a still passed out kiros are STILL waiting)

Lizzie: “This is ridiculous! If they had anything serious they’d be dead by now! *Then* who’d be President of Esthar!?”

(laguna tries to speak, but Lizzie slaps him)

Lizzie: “No talking!” *sigh* “I’m stuck in a room with no one capable of talking…” *pause* “That’s a first…” *looks at ward* “We missed the party, didn’t we.”

Ward: *nods*

Lizzie: “#$%^! We are *so* dead. *So* dead. And if we don’t get to see a doctor soon, Laguna will be for real.”

Laguna: *sweat drops*

(just then the door opens and in comes a familiar face–it’s dr. zack!)

Doctor Zack: “Hello, I’m Doctor Zack.”

Lizzie: “Hello! Where have you been? We’ve been waiting here forever!”

Doctor Zack: “Sorry about that. I’m the only doctor on duty today. We tried to reach some more, but they all went to see a Broadway show and shut their cell phones off.”

Lizzie: “Dammit! I’d never thought I’d say this either, but–damn theatre etiquette!”

Doctor Zack: “What seems to be the problem?”

(laguna tries to talk but Lizzie hits him)

Lizzie: “No!” *to the dr* “He had an allergic reaction, and that passed out guy over there got hit on the head a few times. But he deserved it.”

Doctor Zack: “I see. Well, this allergic reaction requires a shot.”

Laguna: *whimpers*

Lizzie: “Come on, Laguna! You can handle a wimpy shot! You’re President of Esthar!”

(laguna squeezes his eyes shut as doctor zack gets the needle and gives him the shot. the drug works immediately, and he turns back to normal)

Laguna: “Hey hey! I’m all better now! Thanks, Doc!”

Doctor Zack: “You’re welcome.” *examines kiros* “He just needs some smelling salts.”

(so he gets some, and puts it under kiros nose, and he wakes up with a start)

Kiros: *eyes still shut* “Mommy, those cookies smell funny–” *opens eyes and blinks* “Uh…” *clears throat* “I mean Ward says–“

Lizzie: *interrupts* “Thank you, Doctor, for FINALLY helping!”

Doctor Zack: “You’re welcome.” *hands her a bill* “Stay healthy!”

(he leaves and Lizzie looks at the bill, her eyebrow twitching)

Laguna: “…Something…wrong?”

Kiros: “Ward says maybe she got a look at your face.”

Ward: *clenches fist*

Lizzie: *looks up hands shaking* “What the #@$%#^@#^%@#^@#%@#$% do they get off doing this? Those @#%#$^#$^$#%&#& #%#@^$#&%# @#^$$#^#$&#$ @#$^@#…. etc.”

Kiros: *blinks* “Whoa. Ward says that’s a lot of profanity.”

Ward: *nods in agreement*

Laguna: *leading Lizzie out* “Uh…I think we better go home now…”

…………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile…back at the farm…the brothers are sitting around, exhausted and covered in hay)

Austin: “I am never looking for a needle in a haystack ever again. I don’t care how much it’s worth.”

Cal: “You ain’t never gonna find that thing ever again, Irvine.”

Irvine: *hangs head* “And I missed the party.”

Dallas: “And your friends never showed up.”

Irvine: “And my friends never showed up.” *eyes widen and he looks up* “Omg, you’re right! My friends never showed up! They must have never even left! AND my other friends are still in prison!”

Billy Bob: “Dey see Houston?”

Irvine: “They’re not in the *same* prison!” *gets up* “I’d better go.”

(then gramps comes over with his cane)

Gramps: “Go on in for supper, boys!” *blinks* “Irvine? Am I seein’ things again?”

Irvine: “No, grandpa.” *sigh* “I never left.”

Gramps: “I knew you’d come to your senses, boy! City life’s no good! It gives ya the tuberculosis.”

Irvine: *blinks* “Uh…no, grandpa. I lost Lark’s gift. That’s why I’m still here.”

Gramps: “You mean this here pin?”

(he goes over to irvine’s hat and picks it out from where it’s sticking out the very top. he hands it to a bewildered irvine, who looks at his brothers in shock. the brothers are equally shocked)

Austin: “Sweet uncle jamima! How did it get there?”

San Diego: “We were looking for something that was on your out of style *hat* this whole time!”

Billy Bob: “Der hur! You done cheated us!”

Irvine: “I didn’t know it was there! Honest!”

Dallas: “You made us waste valuable ‘loner’ time!”

Cal: “And now we’ll have *extra* chores!”

Irvine: “I’m really sorry!”

(the brothers shake their heads and sadly and head back up to the house while irvine stands there looking sorry for himself. grandpa pats him on the shoulder)

Gramps: “It always ends up in the hat.”

(he walks away leaving a paralyzed irvine alone. he just stands there a few minutes before he looks at his hat and gets kinda angry)

Irvine: “Stupid hat!!”

(he throws it to the ground and stomps on it a bit to get out his aggression. then when he’s done he just stares at it panting, and then his eyes suddenly widen and he picks it up and cradles it)

Irvine: “What have I done! It’s not your fault!” *kisses his hat* “I’m sorry! I’ll never blame you again!”

(turns to see a cow looking at him strangely)

Irvine: “What are you staring at?” *puts his beat up hat on* “I’m going home now! Back to the so called city! Where I’ll get beat up some more! But at least I have the present!” *holds up box triumphantly*

(it starts to pour)

Irvine: *twitches and mutters curses*

…………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, not so far away…the rain has stopped over at the maxwell place. seifer is still stuck in momma’s dress and flossy keeps coming near zell, and he keeps edging away looking scared)

Seifer: “We missed the whole damn party. Lark is gonna flip out more than you!”

Zell: *flips out* “Hey!” *flossy comes closer* “Ew…” *inches away*

Maxwell: “Aw, come on, now! Flossy jus’ wants ta say howdy! Don’t ya, Flossy?”

Flossy: *baas and falls over*

Maxwell: “Dod dern it! Not again! Get the pokin’ stick, grandpa!”

Grandpa: *tosses him a toothbrush and cackles*

Seifer: “Uh… That’s a toothbrush.”

Maxwell: “I think I know a pokin’ stick when I see one!”

Zell: “No, he’s right. That’s a toothbrush.”

Maxwell: “Shut up, you stuck up city slicker! You just like the rest of them visitors we just had! What, with your fancy city things like soap and toilets!”

Grandpa: “And teeth that need brushin’!”

Maxwell: “You no good enough for Momma’s dress! You give that there fine garment back!”

Seifer: *takes it off and throws it at maxwell which leaves him in his boxers* “Gladly! This dress smells like crap!”

Maxwell: *gasp* “You go on and get outta this fine house!”

(they go to leave, but before they do…)

Seifer: *points to cow* “And that cow is dead!”

Maxwell: *violent sobbing*

(they run outside and down the hill to the road)

Zell: “Uh, Seifer, you’re almost naked!”

Seifer: “Stop staring, chicken-wuss! I know! Maybe my buff bod will help us get a ride!”

Zell: “Don’t you want your clothes?”

Seifer: “I have a million where that came from. I practically wear the same thing every day!”

Zell: *realizing* “Oh yeah…me too…”

Seifer: “Look, chicken wuss! A car! We’re saved!”

(they wave their arms around and watch as the car comes to a stop)

Irvine: *pokes his head out the window* “What are you losers doing here?”

Zell: “We were following you till Seifer crashed the car!”

Irvine: “You morons! I thought you stayed at the ramble room to go to the party!”

Seifer: “I wish!”

Irvine: “Rinoa, Selphie, Quistis and Squall aren’t there either!”

Zell: “What?!”

Irvine: “They got arrested! I gotta go bail ’em out!”

Seifer: “Those losers!”

Zell: “We’re all gonna get beat!”

Irvine: “Hurry up and get in so we can go!”

(they get in and irvine starts off again)

Seifer: “Hey, Irvine, what took you so long?”

Irvine: “Why are you in your underwear?”

Seifer: “Oh man…this looks bad…”

Zell: *snickers*

Seifer: “Shut up, chicken-wuss!”

……………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile…ugh, I’m so sick of that word! anyway, back in the lovely prison cell, they’re all sitting there, their head in their hands looking glum, except for squall, who is playing a harmonica he got from somewhere. he’s playing a song on it, and then he stops and just sits there like the others)

Rinoa: *absently* “…That was nice.”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Selphie: “We missed the whole party… All that cake… Gone…”

Rinoa: “And we have Quistis to thank.”

Quistis: “Oh shut up.”

Rinoa: “I don’t have to be nice to you! I never really liked you anyway!”

Quistis: “Well I never really liked you either!”

Rinoa: *gets in her face* “You wanna piece of me?!”

Quistis: *right back in her face* “Bring it on, bitch!”

Squall: *gets all excited* “Cat fight! Cat fight!”

Selphie: *sigh* “Why do guys always get so excited over two girls fighting?”

Squall: “Cat fight! Cat fight!”

(suddenly irvine, seifer (in his boxers and irvine’s coat) and zell rush up to the cell excitedly)

Irvine, Seifer and Zell: “Cat fight?! Where?!”

Selphie: “I don’t get it!”

Rinoa: “Irvine! You’re here! We can leave? Did you pay our bail?”

Irvine: *sigh* “Yeah… I’m kinda dreading going back…”

Rinoa: “Who isn’t?”

Squall: “Why are you in your underwear, Seifer?”

Seifer: “It’s a long story having to do with me, Zell and a broken down car.”

Squall: *raises eyebrows*

Zell: *snickers*

Seifer: *eyes widen* “Not like *that*! Shut *up*, chicken wuss!”

Irvine: “You guys just have to stand trial next week.”

Quistis: *mutters* “Like I’ll show up for that.”

Selphie: “We better hurry and get back! Maybe there’s still cake left!”

Irvine: “I really doubt it.”

Selphie: “Oh poop.” *pouts*

………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, trowa and quatre are still at the bakery…waiting and waiting…trowa has fallen asleep leaning against the wall)

Quatre: “Trowa… Trowa…” *pokes him* “I think we missed the party.”

Trowa: *yawns* “Is Heavyarms out of ammo again?”

Quatre: “What?”

Trowa: “I’ll just hit self-destruct.”

Quatre: *hits him* “Trowa! Come on! We better go get Heero and Duo! They probably thought we got captured or killed or something nasty and gross.” *scrunches up nose*

Trowa: *dreamy sigh* “Killed…”

Quatre: *hits him* “Trowa! Come on, let’s go so we can get to the ramble room and show up at *all*. I’m sure Lark will appreciate that.”

Trowa: “Whatever.”

(they walk out, and just as they do, the clerk rings the bell)

Clerk: “Cake for Quatre Raberba Winner?”

…………………………………………………………………………………

(back on libra, heero and duo are slumped in their chairs, looking pretty withdrawn…)

Duo: “You think they’re captured? Or dead?”

Heero: “I wish I was dead.”

Duo: “I beat Trowa’s glad he’s dead.”

Heero: “Yeah…”

Duo: “We missed the whole party.”

Heero: “We’ll be dead soon anyway.”

Duo: “Do you think Lark will let us change first?”

Heero: “Probably not.” *pause and eyes widen* “And she’d probably take pictures.”

Duo: *eyes widen* “Damn, I wish I had a suicide pill on me now…”

(just then the door opens and quatre and trowa come in)

Duo: “Quatre! Trowa! We thought you were dead!”

Trowa: “I wish.”

Quatre: “The cake was never ready!” *blink* “What happened to you?”

Heero: “Long story. Let us free!”

(trowa lets them out and they rub their wrists and ankles)

Duo: “Damn, it’s good to be free!”

Quatre: “We better show up to the party anyway, just…cause…”

Heero: “I’m in no cheery mood.”

Trowa: “Me neither.”

Duo: “Let’s change, and we’ll go.”

Heero: *eyes widen* “Oh no…”

Duo: “What?”

Heero: *points to where their clothes had been* “They took our only outfits.”

(duo and heero stare in shock at where their clothes where, and quatre takes them each by the arm)

Quatre: “No more time to waste!”

…………………………………………………………………………………

(back at treize and zechs,’ wufei is banging his head against the wall, while treize and zechs seem to be putting the finishing touches on their outfits)

Wufei: “SEIGI! You’ve used *all* the hot water and gone through all your wardrobe of 3 walk in closets EACH! You are FINISHED! Let’s go! We’ve MISSED the party!”

Treize: “Wonderful. We’ll make our own party.” *runs a hand through his hair*

Zechs: “Yes. That should be fun.”

Wufei: “Jigoku ni otosu!”

Treize: “What is *he* so upset about?”

Zechs: “It couldn’t be the way we did his hair! The banana shampoo smells so nice!”

Wufei: *twitch* “Nikumu!”

Treize: “Calm down. We’re ready.”

Zechs: “Yes, let’s go.”

(they brush past wufei and walk out of the room)

Wufei: *turning red with anger* “WUFEI IS NOT HAPPY!!!”

…………………………………………………………………………………..

(back in Katie’s car, there are bunnies *everywhere* as she’s driving and trying to stay focused as there are bunnies all over her and the car. there are a few even on her head)

Katie: “Bunnies…you are beginning to make me hate you…” *twitch*

………………………………………………………………………………………

(poor Katie, and then, we have yuffie, cloud and tifa and elena, who all went home after their little disagreement. and we see all four of them, relaxing in front of the tv, looking relaxed. when all of the sudden all their eyes pop open in horror)

Cloud, Elena, Tifa and Yuffie: “OMG!!!!!! I MISSED THE PARTY!!” *they all run out*

…………………………………………………………………………………..

(back in the tv room…)

Lark: *tear* “It’s so late… Where are they?”

Belle: “They haaaaaaaaaaaate you.”

Lark: *sniff* “Belle, do you love me?”

Belle: “No.”

Lark: *sniff*

…………………………………………………………………………………….

(in the meantime, in loser land, Ashley and Noelle are still tied up, and still have their eyes closed. heidegger, also tied up, is trying to eat his own hand. and nida and scarlet–this is something i know you *don’t* want to remember–are making out like their plane’s going down–i use that expression alot, don’t i? anyway–they’re on the couch…)

Nida: *moans* “Oh, Scarlet…”

Ashley and Noelle: *shudder*

Ashley: “I’ll have to burn my ears after this!”

Noelle: “He goes from me to SCARLET?! How do you think that makes *me* feel?”

Heidegger: *chewing on his hand* “Gya haa haa! Blubbery!”

Ashley: “I bet we missed the whole party!”

Noelle: “Yeah, and for what?!”

Ashley: “How the hell are we going to get out of here?”

Noelle: “Hmmm…”

Ashley: “Are you thinking of something?”

Noelle: “Huh? Oh no, I was just thinking about how many diseases Nida must be picking up right now. I’ll never touch *him* again!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Syphilis!”

Ashley and Noelle: *shudder*

(they hear the sound of a door opening and closing and they finally decide to open their eyes and see kuja and hojo entering)

Hojo: “We have returned.”

Kuja: “I always knew I was going to be a star.”

Hojo: “Darling, you stood there applying makeup while I chased Sephiroth around the stage.”

Kuja: *shrugs* “I was still on tv.”

Ashley: “Hey, freaks and cross dressers!”

Noelle: “Hey! Leave Kuja outta this!”

(kuja and hojo look over at them just as they hear…)

Nida: *moans* “Oh…yes…”

Kuja and Hojo: “!!!”

(they peer over the back of the couch…and see them)

Hojo: “Ahhh!!” *jumps back*

Kuja: “My pretty eyes!” *covers them*

Scarlet: *looks up* “Oh, you guys are back.”

Hojo: “That’s what you say? Here you are–practically deflowering Nida right in front of three other people, and you say *that*?”

Scarlet: *shrugs* “I’m used to having an audience.”

Kuja: “I don’t think that’s fair to Nida. Some of your diseases haven’t been identified yet.”

Nida: “Ew!!!” *slides out from under her*

Scarlet: “Great! Now I’ll never get another customer!”

Nida: “You didn’t have any to begin with, whore!”

Scarlet: “I wouldn’t talk, Mr. ‘I’ve never done *that* before’.”

Nida: “Hey! 2nd base isn’t as easy to get to as you think!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa!” *pauses and thinks but he can’t think of another comment so he just shrugs* “Gya haa haa!”

Hojo: “Today has been a distressing day. My own son hates me.”

Noelle and Ashley: “Well, *duh*!”

Ashley: “How about letting us out now?”

Noelle: “Yeah! We already missed the party. Lark’s gonna kill us!”

Scarlet: “Oh, just let them go. Otherwise the rest will come looking for them.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Search party!”

Noelle: “Shut up!”

Hojo: *sigh* “Fine. I’m too tired to argue. I have many, many things to do.” *grabs kuja by the wrist* “Let’s go.”

Kuja: “How can I help you think?”

Hojo: “Oh, you shall see.”

(they leave. nida gets up and unhappily unties the girls. Noelle slaps him)

Nida: *grabs his cheek* “My piloting face!”

Noelle: “Skanky jerk!”

(she and Ashley run out)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Untie me!”

(scarlet and nida exchange a look and walk off, leaving heidegger alone. he shrugs and puts his hand back in his mouth)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Fattening!”

…………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in the lovely place I like to call a closet, reno and rufus are not having much fun….in fact, it’s pitch black in there. consequently, we can’t see anything either, but we can sure as hell hear them!)

Reno: “This really sucks.”

Rufus: “I’m guessing we missed the whole damn party.”

Reno: “Lark is gonna kick our asses so hard it’s gonna feel like—“

Rufus: “I don’t even wanna know.”

Reno: “Hey, on the plus side….uh….um…”

Rufus: “Well? What’s the plus side?”

Reno: “Um…there is none. I was just trying to lighten the mood.”

Rufus: “Nothing’s getting any lighter in total darkness!”

Reno: “There must be a way out of this closet.”

Rufus: “Reno, it’s a damn closet. There’s no secret trap door.”

Reno: “You never know till you try! Feel around.”

(and they grope around in the dark, and you can hear them bumping into things and saying ‘ow’ once in awhile)

Rufus: “Wait! I found something! Some kind of handle!”

Reno: *clears his throat* “Uh, Rufus, that’s not a handle. That’s my–“

Rufus: *screams like a girl really REALLY loudly*

(flip back to the tv room for a second, where a slumped lark sits up suddenly)

Lark: “Did you hear something, Belle?”

Belle: *half asleep* “Shut up, loser! I’m trying to sleep!”

Lark: *slumps shoulders* “Oh…”

(back in the pitch dark closet…)

Rufus: “Ahhhhh!! I am never using this hand again!! Ahhh! Ahhh!!! Ahhhh!!!”

(all of the sudden the closet door opens and cloud, elena, yuffie and tifa are standing there looking at them funny)

Rufus: “Ahhhhh!!!!”

Elena: “Rufus…sir?”

Reno: “Hey, Elena.” *grin*

Elena: “Reno??”

Tifa: “Um, what are you guys doing in the closet?”

Yuffie: “Ew.”

Rufus: “No! No! It’s not that! I was getting Lark’s gift!” *he grabs the gift and holds it out*

Reno: “Yeah, me too, among other things.” *winks at rufus*

Rufus: *shudders* “Stop it!”

Yuffie: “Wait, you guys didn’t go to the party?”

Rufus: “No, we went even though we were in the closet.”

Cloud: *scratches head* “You did?”

Rufus: “No, you moron!”

Elena: “Uh oh…”

Reno: “What’s wrong? Was it a good party?”

Tifa: *gulp* “We didn’t…um…go…either…”

Rufus and Reno: “WHAT?!”

Yuffie: “We forgot!”

Rufus: “Well hopefully everyone else went!”

(they hear a lot of chaos outside, and they run outside to see everyone else that was supposed to be at the party on the front lawn)

Reno: “What the $%^&??”

Sephiroth: “What’s going on here? Why is everyone out here?”

Katie: *stumbles out of her car covered in bunnies* “Help! They’re everywhere!!”

Ashley: “We got held against our will!”

Irvine: “I had to look for something!”

Rinoa: “We got arrested!” *glares at quistis*

Seifer, Zell, Heero and Duo: “You don’t even want to know.”

Barret: *looking dissolved* “My finger got stuck n’ we had ta get it out!”

Wufei: “I had to wait for the two beauty queens to get ready!”

Quatre: “We were waiting for a cake!”

Zidane: “I got crushed by a jumping castle!”

Lizzie: “Hospital emergency.”

Tifa, Elena and Yuffie: “Forgot.” *sweat drops*

Cloud: “Huh?”

Reno: “We got locked in the closet again.”

Shell: “We lost our car! But I got a new one!” *smile*

Opal: “Twilight’s a jerk.”

Everyone: (but twilight, and seph) “Well, *duh*.”

Sephiroth: “Hold on a minute – you’re telling me NO ONE went to the party!?”

(complete silence. crickets chirp)

Rufus: *whimpers* “We’re gonna die.”

Barret: “Yo! Dis be yo’ fault, Sephiroth! You gave us all ’em jobs to do!”

Sephiroth: “No, it’s Vincent’s fault for signing me up for this dumb tv show!”

Vincent: “I resent that.”

Wufei: “It’s Treize and Zechs’ fault for being slow!”

Shell: “It’s Rude’s fault for having a bad memory!”

Rinoa: “It’s Quistis’ fault for being a jerk!”

Zell: “It’s Seifer’s fault for being a jerk!”

Seifer: “Hey! Shut it, chicken wuss!” *raises fist*

(so they all start yelling and fighting with one another, and none of them notice as a downcast lark comes out and just stares at them with her wet and red rimmed eyes. slowly they all begin to notice she’s there, and they just kinda stare. then they suddenly get in a line and file by, mumbling happy birthday and shoving gifts in her hands. she kinda just accepts it all, not saying anything. and then after that they all go their separate ways leaving her alone on the front steps with a pile of gifts. with a sigh, she takes a list out of her pocket that says ‘birthday’s that suck’ and adds another tally mark to the number already there and puts it back in her pocket)

Lark: *sniff* “There’s always next year…”

THE END

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