#76 – Till Death Do Us…………WHAT?!

Reeve: “Lark, you know bigamy is illegal, right?”

Originally Published: 2/23/01 . 73 pages

A trip to Las Vegas sounded great, until the gang realizes everyone went and got married! Rufus married Zell, Shell married, Rude, Reeve married Tseng, and Lark somehow married Sephiroth AND Vincent! And that’s just the beginning! Some are happy to be married, and some aren’t. And one couple got married on purpose! Can they sort all their marital problems out, or will they all be headed to divorce court?

Ramble Milestones
-Dr. Zack’s first appearance

When this ramble first came out, it was a little controversial due to all the sex references. Reading it back now, I don’t think it’s that bad, but I think I was more conscious of “going overboard” after that. The plot here is ridiculous, of course. But it’s still amusing. My favorite “marriages” are Shell and Rude, Irvine and Katie, Rufus and Zell (which sets the bar for a long time crush) and, of course, Lark and her two husbands. Especially when they’re dealing with licky licky. (It can’t really die – there’s always another one.) Reeve and Tseng are also adorable. Two small things I found amusing: Rufus says “I’m a duck” – was a duck in the ramble “Animal Farm”. And I totally found Sephiroth telling Vincent he performed the best version of Total Eclipse of the Heart he ever heard hilarious.

(ah, tis a *lovely* day in the ramble room. everyone gathered there is in a cheery mood, and the birds would be singing sweetly, if the ramble room had windows to hear them through. anyway, shell, rude, Ashley, seifer, Noelle, reno, Katie, irvine, Lizzie, laguna, cloud, rufus, zell, vincent, tseng, reeve, barret, red and sephiroth are all in the ramble, talking excitedly. and why? because it’s the site anniversary, and they all know something cool has to happen. after all, lark’s not there, so she must be planning something neat.)

Ashley: “This is fricken boring! Where the hell is Lark?!”

(okay, so perhaps my description was a *wee* bit off.)

Sephiroth: “This site feels ten years old. Not one. How much longer do we have to keep this up?”

Cloud: “Sephy-sama, ai shiteru!” *hugs him*

Sephiroth: “Ugh….get off me, Cloud. Can someone get him drunk?”

Reno: “No can do, man. Irvine and I are on a no-alcohol day.”

Sephiroth: *gives him a look*

Reno: *hangs head* “We drank it all already.”

Barret: “Yo, cat/rat/moo thing! Where be Cid?”

Red: “I do not know. And frankly, I do not care. I can tolerate you better when you are not together.”

Barret: “Yo! What dat mean!?”

Red: “Please pretend I do not exist.”

(just then, lark comes in with a handful of plane tickets)

Lark: “Yee haw! Howdy everybody!”

Everybody except Irvine: *blinks*

Irvine: “Howdy, Lark!”

Lark: “I’m happy to announce that in honor of the site anniversary, we are all going on trip!!”

Shell: “Ooh! Are we going to Paris?”

Irvine: “Texas?”

Laguna: “Laguna Beach?”

Barret: “Da Bronx?”

Lizzie: “England?”

Katie: “Hollywood?”

Reno: “New Orleans?”

Tseng: “San Francisco?”

Lark: “No! You’re all way off!!” *flashes tickets* “Las Vegas!!”

Reno: “Vegas?!!? All right!! Party time, everyone! …Hey, do you think we could stop in Reno while we’re in Nevada?” *grins*

Noelle: “Oh, shut up.”

Irvine: “Vegas, huh? Sounds interestin’.”

Shell: “Cool! I’ll go to Vegas! Rude is a great gambler!”

Rude: “I know, Shell.”

Rufus: “But Lark…I have a gambling problem, remember?”

Reeve: “Ooh! Maybe he’ll lose the company! Let’s go!”

Zell: “Vegas’ll kick *ass*!!”

Ashley: “How long are we going for?”

Lark: “Two days.”

Everyone: “TWO DAYS?!”

Lark: “What?! It’s all I could afford!”

Vincent: “May I inquire as to when we are leaving?”

Lark: *checks watch* “Um…….an hour?”

Everyone: “AN HOUR?!”

Lark: “Well, we just have to be at the airport by then!”

(in a flash, everyone pushes and shoves their way outta the room to go pack. the only ones left are a frazzled looking lark and sephiroth)

Sephiroth: “Talk about last minute planning.”

Lark: *shrugs* “What, you’re not coming?”

Sephiroth: “Did you actually think I would miss this?”

Lark: “Sometimes I don’t know what to think.”


(amazingly enough, they all made it to the airport just in time to catch their flight, even after reeve pondered over the tip to give the baggage handler for quite awhile, but the flight itself was strangely uneventful. after they arrive in vegas, they all got their baggage and everyone–including a very happy reeve–gather at a group of chairs and listen to lark, whose got a list of something.)

Irvine: “I love Vegas already, and I’ve only been here ten minutes.”

Reno: “There are slot machines everywhere!”

Rufus: *twitch* “Yeah. Great.” *twitch*

Reeve: “Look at that, Tseng! We got our bags, and there were no problems!”

Tseng: “Well, you did tip the man a thousand gil, darling. I think if you told him to tap dance with the shoes on his *hands* he would have done so.”

Shell: “You’re gonna win lots and lots and lots of money for me, right, Rude?”

Rude: “Yes, of course, Shell.”

Lark: “All right, now listen up. I only got nine rooms, so I had to make room assignments.”

Sephiroth: “I get stuck with Cloud, and somebody dies.”

Vincent: “Lark is making the assignments, angel.”

Sephiroth: “………Quiet, Vincent.”

Lark: “Okay, here are the assignments: Shell and Rude, Ashley and Seifer, Katie and Irvine—“

Irvine and Katie: “Yee haw!”

Lark: “Lizzie and Laguna, Reeve and Tseng–“

Reeve: *fakely* “Oh darn.”

Tseng: *blushes* “Heh heh heh.”

Lark: “Noelle and Reno—“

Noelle: “WHAT?!”

Reno: “Whoo hoo!”

Lark: “Relax, it’s the only room with twin beds.”

Noelle: *pouts* “I am *so* not happy.”

Reno: *grins* “I am.”

Noelle: “You touch me, you die.”

Reno: *gulp*

Lark: “Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Rufus, Zell and Cloud–“

Rufus: “What?! Oh no…”

Zell: “Cool! A sleepover!!”

Cloud: “Huh? Are we in Sector 5 yet, mommy?”

Lark: “It’ll be fine, Rufus. Just fill Cloud full of booze from the mini-bar. Plus, Zell will make sure you won’t gamble.”

Zell: *puts an arm around rufus* “We can be best friends!”

Rufus: *head in his hands* “Oh god.”

Lark: “Then there’s Barret and Red–“

Red: “PARDON ME!?”

Barret: “Yo, is that even legal, girl?”

Lark: “You were the only two left!”

Rufus: “That puts you with…”

Lark: “VincentandSephiroth. That’salllet’sgotothehotel.” *quickly walks off*

Sephiroth: “I don’t know if I’m happy….or weirded out.”

Vincent: “I’m quite happy, angel.”

Barret: “Yo, you sleep on the floor, right?”

Red: “Yes, that will suit me fine.” *sigh*

Noelle: “I have a feeling I’m going to have to chain you down.”

Reno: *raises eyebrows*

Noelle: “Ugh!” *smacks him* “Pervert!”

Rufus: “I guess we should all follow Lark.”

Zell: *rambling* “And we could talk about stuff, and we could go sight seeing, and we’ll have tons of fun! You’ll see!!”

Rufus: “Kill me.”

Red: “Take me with you.”


(so they all go to the hotel and then to their respective rooms.)

(rude and shell……………..)

Shell: “Let’s go gambling, Rude!”

Rude: “How did I know you were going to suggest that, Shell?”

Shell: “Come on, come on!” *drags him out the door* “Money, money, money!”

(Ashley and seifer…………)

Seifer: “So…whatcha wanna do?”

Ashley: “I dunno. What do *you* wanna do?”

Seifer: “Is there anything to do here?”

Ashley: “It’s Vegas! Of course there’s things to do!!”

Seifer: “Ooh! A mini-bar!!”

(he goes and opens it up and marvels at all the stuff inside)

Seifer: “Look at all this!” *blinks* “That’s a lot of liquor.”

Ashley: “You have to *pay* for that, Seifer.”

Seifer: *slaps down ten gil* “I bet you ten gil you can’t hold more liquor than I can.”

Ashley: “That’s a lame ass thing to do, but sure, you’re on!!”

(Noelle and reno….)

Noelle: *throws her bag down* “Let’s get this straight. I don’t like you. I want nothing to do with you. I *hate* you. Stay the *hell* away from me!”

Reno: *pouts* “Aw…come on, Noelle! Can’t we at least be friends?”

Noelle: “………What are you suggesting?”

Reno: “Nothing too involved. Maybe we could go out and see the town together.”

Noelle: “Wouldn’t you rather go out and get drunk with Irvine?”

Reno: “Oh, I think Irvine’s gonna be very busy with your sister.” *chuckles*

Noelle: “Ew.” *sigh* “Fine. But just as friends. Remember, you touch me, you die.”

Reno: “It would be a great way to die though.” *grins*

Noelle: “Don’t push it.”

(irvine and Katie…….)

Irvine: *in his boxers, kneeling in front of the mini-fridge* “C’mon…there’s gotta be somethin’…”

Katie: “Hurry up, Irvine!”

Irvine: “Uh……” *grabs some liquor bottles and shuts the fridge* “They didn’t have whipped cream, but I got something just as good!!”

(Lizzie and laguna)

Laguna: *gets out camera* “Hey hey! Let’s go sightseeing! There’s lots of stuff to see and do here! Plus, I promised Ward to Kiros that I would take pictures.” *scratches head* “Did that make sense?”

Lizzie: *grabbing liquor from the mini-fridge* “I’m gonna need this.”

(rufus and zell and cloud)

Cloud: *bangs into wall* “Ow. That hurt.”

Zell: “There’s only one bed! Guess we’ll have to share!”

Rufus: *hits himself in the head* “Does Lark hate me?”

Zell: *opens mini-fridge* “Oh look, Rufus! Here’s the alcohol Lark was talking about! Think we should give Cloud some?”

Rufus: “Give me some while you’re at it.”

Zell: “You?”

Rufus: “Yeah. It’ll keep my mind off the fact that there’s a *huge* casino right downstairs.”

Zell: “All righty! Whatever my best friend does I do too!”

Rufus: *grabs for it* “Oh goody.”

(barret and red)

Red: “I am beginning to think I should not have come.”

Barret: “Shu’ up, catfish! We’ll have a good time! You ain’t so bad for a stingray!”

Red: “I thought I was a catfish.”

Barret: “Let’s go to a bar, and I’ll show you a good time!!” *goes for the door* “You old enough?”

Red: “I am older than you are, stupid human.”

Barret: “Yo! No need to get all snappy, red snapper!”

Red: *sigh*

(reeve and tseng’s room)

Tseng: *looking around* “It’s a nice room, huh?”

Reeve: *sneaks up behind him and wraps his arms around his waist* “Mmm…I’m so glad I got stuck with you.”

Tseng: *blushes* “So…what do you want to do, Reeve?”

Reeve: *urging him forward* “Bed. Now.”

Tseng: *blushes more*

(vincent, lark and sephiroth….)

Lark: *staring at the bed* “Well this is going to be fun, don’t you think?”

Sephiroth: *looking at vincent, dryly* “Yeah. Tons.”

Vincent: *looking at lark* “I tend to agree more with Lark.”

Lark: *turns and runs a hand through her hair* “If you want, I could sleep on the floor…”

Vincent and Sephiroth: *urgently* “NO!” *they both then turn and look at one another*

Lark: *blinks* “Um…okay. I guess we could all fit…” *turns back to it*

Sephiroth: *whispers to vincent* “Why don’t you go get lost, Vincent?”

Vincent: *snaps back* “Why don’t *you* go get lost, angel?”

Lark: *turns back around* “What are you two fighting over?!”

Vincent: “Nothing. Sephiroth is just being difficult as usual.”

Lark: “I’m going to take a shower. When I come out, we can go explore the city.” *goes in the bathroom*

(sephiroth remains silent until he hears the water running. then he grabs vincent by the shoulders and pins him against the wall)

Sephiroth: “Do you like her?”

Vincent: *blinks* “What?”

Sephiroth: *getting nasty now* “I *said* do you like her?!”

Vincent: *narrows eyes* “Sephiroth. Release me. *NOW*.”

Sephiroth: *only leans closer* “Just answer me.”

Vincent: *sternly* “I enjoy her company, if that is what you are asking.”

Sephiroth: “But you think she’s attractive, don’t you?” *leans closer*

Vincent: “Of course I do. I’ve admitted that before. Now I don’t know whether you’re insanely jealous or over protective, but I suggest you release me before I throw you on that bed and have my way with you.”

Sephiroth: *steps away and mumbles* “I am so close to letting you.” *he lays down on the bed with a sigh*

Vincent: *sits next to him and stokes his hair* “You seem so uneasy, my angel. Why are you snapping at everyone??”

Sephiroth: *sighs* “I don’t know. I really don’t.” *meets his eyes* “I’m sorry for snapping at you.”

Vincent: “Shush…” *brushes fingers over his lips* “You’re forgiven, my angel.”

Sephiroth: “It’s just that…I love her… And I love you…”

Vincent: “Just enjoy our vacation and don’t worry over it so much.” *leans closer so their lips are nearly touching* “…May I?”

Sephiroth: *breathes* “Yes…”

(vincent kisses him gently, then draws away only to kiss him again and again. they are still kissing when lark comes out, drying her hair)

Lark: *blinks* “Oh.” *pause* “Sorry.”

(vincent and sephiroth quickly draw apart.)

Sephiroth: “Oh, Lark.” *sweat drops* “Heya.”

Lark: “Oh, I didn’t meant to interrupt. I’ll just go–” *turns to leave*

Sephiroth: *runs to stop her* “No, no, no, no, no. Why don’t you put on some sexy little outfit, and we’ll go out.”

Lark: “All three of us?”

Sephiroth: “Unless Vincent doesn’t want to come.”

Vincent: “Oh, I want to come.”

Lark: *smiles* “All right. Just give me a minute.” *goes back in the bathroom*

Vincent: *glaring at seph* “Stop trying to leave me out.”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “I can’t help it…”

Vincent: “I’m just someone who’s in the way to you, aren’t I?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, kinda.”

Vincent: “Angel, think. Why do you think she put all three of us together?”

Sephiroth: “Because she wants to kill me?”

Vincent: *beckons* “Come here, angel.”

(sephiroth goes over, vincent whispers something in his ear and seph’s eyes widen)

Sephiroth: “Vincent! You *are* kinky!”

Vincent: *shrugs* “That’s just what I think.”

Sephiroth: “That can’t be. I’m not that lucky.”

Vincent: “We shall see.”

Lark: *comes out of the bathroom* “I’m ready!”

Sephiroth: *grabs her hand* “Great! Let’s go!!”


(and so we skip to the next morning. …what? you want to know what happened the night before? heh heh heh, don’t worry, you’ll find out soon enough… first we come to rude and shell, who are asleep in their bed, money everywhere….shell stirs.)

Shell: *yawns and sits up* “Whoa… What happened last night?” *looks around* “Oh right. The money!!” *picks some up and as she does she notices a gold band on her finger* “A new ring?! Ooh!!! Rude!!” *shoves rude* “Wake up, Rude!”

Rude: *stirs and rubs his eyes* “What is it, Shell?”

Shell: “I don’t remember you buying me this ring.”

Rude: *blinks, takes her hand and looks at it* “Me neither.”

Shell: “Look! You have one too!!”

(rude looks at the one on his finger, then back to the one on shell’s finger)

Rude: “Oh no.”

Shell: “What?”

Rude: “Do you realize what we did?!”

Shell: “No…..”

Rude: *holds their hands with the matching rings* “We got married!!!!”

(meanwhile, Ashley and seifer are stumbling back into their room)

Ashley: “Tell me again why we slept outside in the *street*?”

Seifer: “I dunno. We were drunk?”

Ashley: *runs a hand through her hair* “Wonderful. I feel so gross. I’m going to take a shower.”

(she starts stripping, and then she notices something strange on her hand)

Ashley: “I didn’t have this ring before…”


Ashley: “What?! What is it?!”

Seifer: *stutters* “A-a-a marriage certificate?! We got married?!?!?!?!”

Ashley: “NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(Noelle and reno are on the floor, with a sheet over them, asleep. Noelle stirs slowly, and she notices the ring on her finger right away)

Noelle: “Oh no! I got married!” *sees reno* “Oh no! I slept with Reno!” *back to the ring* “OH #$%@#^! I MARRIED RENO!!!!!!!!!” *screams*

Reno: *wakes up* “Ugh…my head…why are you screaming?”

Noelle: *shoves him* “Cause we got so drunk we got married, you moron! I’m married to you! MARRIED!!!”

Reno: *sits up* “What?! No! Me! Married?! Married?! Me?! Me?! ME!? MARRIED!?!?!” *faints*

(meanwhile, laguna is asleep, but Lizzie’s apparently in the bathroom, suddenly there’s a really loud scream, and she comes running out of the bathroom waving her hand around. laguna wakes up, rubbing his eyes)

Lizzie: “Omg, did we get MARRIED last night?!”

Laguna: *blinks* “Um, yeah. I wasn’t really sure, but you were pretty insistent, so I said hey hey! What the hell! Why, it’s not illegal, is it?”

Lizzie: *hand to her head* “How drunk was I…??”

Laguna: “Hey hey! You’re the wife of the President of Esthar now!”

Lizzie: *eyes light up* “Omg! I’m first lady of Esthar!!”

(meanwhile, Katie is asleep, but irvine is in the bathroom, then we hear a scream, and irvine comes running out waving his hand around.)


Katie: *wakes up* “Irvine….it’s early…what are you yelling about?” *sighs* “Ugh…my head.”


Katie: *eyes light up* “I’m married to you!?!?! All right!”

Irvine: *faints*

Katie: “Whoo hoo! I’m Mrs. Irvine Kinneas! I–” *peers over at irvine* “Irvine?”

(from here on in, it only gets more out there, so bear with me. heh heh heh. reeve and tseng are curled up in bed, all entwined, happily asleep, matching rings on their fingers… and that’s it for that scene. next, we go to rufus, zell and cloud’s room, where cloud is asleep on the floor, and…rufus and zell are in bed, and zell is cuddled up to rufus)

Rufus: *pushes zell away* “Get off me…”

Zell: *snorts in his sleep and hugs rufus*

Rufus: “Ugh.” *tries to push zell off but can’t* “This sucks.” *opens his eyes and sits up* “Oh man… I got pretty drunk last night.” *notices a ring on his finger* “What the… I don’t remember buying this…” *sees a piece of paper sticking out of his pocket* “What’s this?” *takes it out* “A marriage certificate?! Who got married?!” *looks down the page and gets very very pale* “….Oh no… Oh… Oh my god. No. No, no, no. This… This isn’t possible!!” *looks down at zell with a look of pure disgust* “I MARRIED A GUY!!”

(oops. poor rufus. next, we go to barret and red. red is asleep on the floor…and barret’s asleep on the floor too on the other side of the room.)

Red: *gets up and stretches* “I feel quite woozy.” *takes a few steps* “Why does my tail feel so heavy?” *brings it up to look at it* “What is this band around it?” *spots barret* “Oh dear.” *walks over and spots a piece of paper in barret’s hand* “What’s this?” *pulls it out of his hand and reads it* “This marriage certificate hear by certifies that Mr. T has taken cat/rat/moo as it’s lawful mate?!” *looks up* “Oh, grandpa.” *passes out*

(ahem. finally, we go to lark, sephiroth and vincent, who are all in bed, all cuddled up. lark is *blonde*. she’s the first to wake up. she smiles at both seph and vincent, then crawls out of bed. she goes into the bathroom, shuts the door, and screams bloody murder two seconds later. but sephiroth and vincent wake up and get up, running over to the bathroom)

Sephiroth: “Lark?! What?! What is it?!”

Lark: *comes out* “I’m BLONDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Sephiroth: *blinks* “You sure are.”

Lark: “I’m blonde, and married!” *holds up hand*

Sephiroth: “All right!”

Lark: *holds up other hand* “Twice.”

Vincent: *blinks* “Oh dear.”

Sephiroth: “WHAT?!”

Lark: *head in her hands* “I don’t even remember what happened last night… But somewhere along the way, I dyed my hair blonde and married the both of you!”

Sephiroth: *looking at the ring on his finger* “I should have thought of this before.”

Vincent: *takes two pieces of paper off the bedside table* “Take a look at this.”

Lark: *reads them both* “Apparently, I married Sephiroth under my real name, and then married Vincent under a different name. I bet I dyed my hair this hideous color in between.”

Vincent: “Maybe it’s temporary.”

Sephiroth: “Who cares about the hair dye!” *points to ring* “This is permanent!”

Lark: “I’m going to take a shower and pray that this stuff comes out. In the meantime, feel free to freak out.” *goes into the bathroom*

Sephiroth: *starts bouncing around* “I married Lar-ark! I married Lar-ark! I married Lar-ark!”

Vincent: “I married her too, my angel.” *pause* “Oh… Though I suppose I cannot call you that any longer, since I am married to someone else.”

Sephiroth: *stops* “Yeah…. Hey…” *gives him a weird look* “If you don’t like her, why did you marry her?”

Vincent: “We were both drunk. Who knows what occurred. Not that it matters. We’re sure to get it annulled anyway.”

Sephiroth: “Maybe you two are, but I *refuse* to do so. I said till death do us part, and so it shall stay.”

Vincent: “Ang–er…Sephiroth, I don’t believe she wishes to stay married to you.”

Sephiroth: “Of course you say that. You probably want her for yourself!”

Vincent: “Would you stop accusing me of that?!” *sigh* “Look, when Lark comes back, we’ll go down to the lobby, meet the others, and then put an end to this mistake.”

Sephiroth: *mutters something*

Vincent: *clears throat* “As for what I thought would happen…. I think it did.”

Sephiroth: “You think?!”

Vincent: “Uh….Sephiroth…have you overlooked the fact that none of us are wearing any clothes?”

Sephiroth: *looks down and yelps in surprise, quickly covering his…uh…with his hands* “Ack!”

Vincent: “See?”

Sephiroth: “Ugh! I didn’t even notice *she* was naked!! What’s wrong with me?!”

Vincent: “Better get dressed so we can go downstairs.”

Sephiroth: *whines* “I don’t remember it!!!!!!”

Lark: *comes out with a towel around herself and black hair* “Remember what?”

Sephiroth: *drops his hands* “What is wrong with this picture?”

Lark: *transfixed* “Oh….nothing…”

Sephiroth: “Lark!”

Lark: *snaps out of it* “Eep! You’re naked!” *looks at vincent* “Vincent’s naked!” *pause* “I *was* naked!” *hand over her mouth* “Oh god, I really am a slut!”

Vincent: “Well, we we’re not *positive* anything happened.”

Sephiroth: “Right, we just *slept* together naked, but nothing happened.”

Vincent: *shrugs* “Check the sheets.”

Lark: *holds up her hands* “Okay, no one is checking anything. Let’s just get dressed, go downstairs, and figure out what to do.”

(the towel around her falls to the floor. everyone watches it drop to the floor, and lark stands in shock a moment, before picking it up and running back into the bathroom)

Lark: “Ugh! This is not my lucky day!” *slams the door*

Vincent: *throws seph his clothes* “Better cover up, ang–er…Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: *catches them* “Heh heh. You’re right.”


(so everyone goes into the lobby and they all tell one another what they discovered, and they’re all yelling at one another and flipping out)

Lark: *yells* “Okay! Everybody! Calm down!!”

(and everyone shuts up)

Lark: “Okay, what seems to have happened here, is that somehow, we all got drunk, and went out and got married to one another. I know it sounds like there is no way in hell this could have happened, but this is Vegas, and anything is possible, since there’s a chapel at every corner. Now, one at a time. Shell, you married Rude?”

Shell: “Yup. Rude and I have to go out and buy wedding gifts before we get it annulled.”

Rude: “I have no idea how it happened.”

(flashback to the night before….rude is playing craps while shell watches, drinking something alcoholic)

Shell: *voice slurred* “Co’ on, Rude! One more roll an’ you’ll have plenty of money to buy me stuff.”

Rude: *voice slurred* “I’ll do it for you, Shell.”

(and he wins much more money, and they collect it all and go shopping. shell drags rude from store to store, and he’s soon covered in bags and carrying a ton of boxes)

Rude: *voice slurred* “All I gots is 50 more gil, Shell.”

Shell: *points to a chapel, voice slurred* “Look, Rude! They’re selling marriages! I want one of those! It’s only 50 bucks. Co’ on!”

Rude: *sighs, voice slurred* “Yes, Shell.”

(and so they went in….and the rest is history.)

Shell: “Well, what’s done is done. I expect all of you to give us a gift before we end the marriage.”

Lark: “Right. Okay, Ashley, you married Seifer?”

Ashley: “Unfortunately.”

Seifer: “Hey!!”

Ashley: “I have no idea in hell how it happened.”

(flashback to the previous night. Ashley and seifer are in their room, downing a bottle of liquor)

Ashley: *slams hers down, voice slurred* “Thas another one.”

Seifer: *sways, voice slurred* “I don’t want no more.”

Ashley: *voice slurred* “Les do somethin’ else.”

Seifer: *voice slurred* “I know! Les do something funny!”

Ashley: *voice slurred* “Like what?”

Seifer: *voice slurred* “I dunno. Something funny.”

Ashley: *voice slurred* “Like what?”

Seifer: *voice slurred* “I dunno. Something funny.”

Ashley: *voice slurred* “Like what?”

Seifer: “I dunno. Let’s get married. That’s funny.”

Ashley: *voice slurred* “Heh heh heh. Yeah. Les get an Elvis impersonator!”

Seifer: *voice slurred* “Heh heh. Yeah. Thas funny. Les go.”

(and so they do….and the rest is history)

Ashley: “I want this marriage over *now*.”

Seifer: “Well I don’t feel the same way!”

Ashley: “That’s too damn bad!”

Lark: “Okay, not good. Noelle, you married………Reno?”

Reno: *looks drained of all color*

Noelle: “I’ve never done anything so dumb in my life!”

Reno: *lifelessly* “I’m….married…”

Noelle: “Ugh! I wish I knew how this happened!”

(flashback to the night before, Noelle and reno are walking along the street, reno has his hands in his pockets and Noelle just looks very uptight)

Reno: “I still have your name tattooed on me, you know.”

Noelle: “Yeah, and I still got your name, but if anyone asks, I just tell them it’s the name of the biggest jerk I know.”

Reno: *frowns* “……..Yeah. Yeah, so you want anything or something?”

Noelle: “If you’re suggesting alcohol, forget it.”

Reno: “Did I say anything about alcohol?!”

Noelle: “Ooh! A Godiva store! Let’s get chocolate!!”

(she drags reno in. Noelle starts looking about)

Noelle: *gasps and grabs a box* “Ooh! This is my favorite kind of candy!!” *shoves it in reno’s arms* “Buy it for me.”

Reno: “I don’t think I should….this candy has booze in it.”

Noelle: “Oh, it’s just a little bit. Come on!”

Reno: “I don’t know…”

Noelle: “DO IT!”

Reno: *gulp* “Okay!”

(so he buys it, and outside they walk along, and Noelle pops a candy into her mouth)

Noelle: *closes her eyes* “Mmm….liquor…”

Reno: “Noelle?”

Noelle: “Don’t they sell Godiva Liqueur in there?”

Reno: “Uh…yeah, I guess.”

Noelle: “Let’s get some!” *starts dragging him back*

Reno: “But what about not drinking?!?”

Noelle: “Oh please! It’s from a chocolate store! It’s not real liquor!”

(lots of bottles of the good stuff later, Noelle and reno are walking along, hand in hand, drinking their godiva liqueur)

Noelle: *voice slurred* “I like chocolate.”

Reno: *voice slurred* “And I like booze.”

Noelle: *voice slurred* “We have a lot in common.”

Reno: *voice slurred* “Yeah…”

Noelle: *points, voice slurred* “What’s that building?”

Reno: *voice slurred* “Uh……..a chapel?”

Noelle: *voice slurred* “What that for?”

Reno: *hiccup* “Marriage.”

Noelle: *voice slurred* “Ooh! Les get that!”

Reno: *voice slurred* “Sure! Whatever! Sounds good to me!”

(and they do…and the rest is history. now Noelle and reno have their heads in their hands, pondering their terrible mistake)

Lark: “That…sucks.”

Noelle: *hits reno* “You got me drunk!”

Reno: *tries to protect himself* “You can’t prove that!”

Noelle: “This marriage is SO over! I hate you!” *beats him more*

Reno: *winces* “Ow! You think *I* want to be married?!”

Lark: “Moving on….Katie, you married Irvine?”

Katie: *grabbing the arm of a lifeless looking irvine* “I sure did!!”

Irvine: *squeaks*

Lark: “Irvine? Are you okay?”

Katie: “He’s fine! I just wish I remember what happened that wonderful night!”

(the first part of this is censored…but afterwards, there are a lot of empty liquor bottles lying around)

Katie: *voice slurred* “Whee! That was fun!”

Irvine: *voice slurred* “Yup. Sure was.”

Katie: *voice slurred* “Let’s go out now! Let’s do something crazy!” *starts getting dressed*

Irvine: *voice slurred* “Like what?”

Katie: *voice slurred* “What everyone does in Vegas!”

Irvine: *voice slurred* “What’s that?”

Katie: *voice slurred* “Get married! Tee hee!”

Irvine: *voice slurred* “What’s that?”

Katie: *voice slurred* “You’ll see!!”

(and so they did. and the rest is history. now Katie is happily hugging irvine around the waist)

Katie: “And we’re going to be married forever and ever and ever!”

Irvine: *squeaks*

Lark: “Yeah, we’ll see about that. Lizzie and Laguna? …No surprise there.”

Lizzie: “Are you kidding!? I was drunk off my ass! I have no idea what happened…”

Laguna: “I was sober! I remember all of it!”

(flashback to the night before. laguna looks like a total tourist in his hawaiian shirt and camera around his neck. Lizzie’s been downing a lot of the liquor she took from the mini bar and is kinda stumbling)

Laguna: “Hey hey! Look at that!” *snaps picture* “And that!” *snaps picture*

Lizzie: *voice slurred* “Yeah…” *stumbles* “I’m bored.”

Laguna: “Not only are you bored, you’re drunk too.” *holds her up* “Maybe we should go back.”

Lizzie: *voice slurred* “Hey hey! Look! Bright lights!” *points to a chapel*

Laguna: “Hey, you’re right! Let me take a picture!” *takes one*

Lizzie: *voice slurred* “Laguna, I think we should get married.”

Laguna: “Married?” *stutters* “Uh…a-are you sure?”

Lizzie: *voice slurred* “Yeah! Let’s go!”

Laguna: “Are you sure? You’re drunk. You may regret this tomorrow.”

Lizzie: *voice slurred* “I won’t! Come on!!!” *pulls at his hand*

Laguna: *shrugs* “Hey hey, I guess…” *sweat drops*

(and so they do. and the rest is history.)

Laguna: “I wasn’t sure, but now Esthar has a first lady.”

Lizzie: “Yeah! So it’s not a total loss.” *hugs laguna*

Lark: *blinks* “I don’t know what to make of you two.” *sigh* “So… Reeve… You and Tseng got married, huh? I didn’t even think that was legal here.”

Reeve: *shrugs* “It is if you’re drunk enough.” *sweat drops*

Tseng: *sweat drops* “Yup. What a big mistake. Sucks to be us! Heh heh.”

Reeve: “And I have no idea how this happened!”

(flashback to the night before, reeve and tseng are standing in front of a chapel, hand in hand, staring at it)

Reeve: *turns to tseng, totally and completely sober* “Want to get married?”

Tseng: *totally and completely sober* “Sure.”

(and they do. and the rest is history)

Tseng: *sweat drops* “We’ll have to get this annulled! Heh heh.”

Lark: *gives them a strange look* “Uh-huh.” *to rufus* “Who did you marry?”

Rufus: *hangs his head and mutters something*

Lark: “What’s that?”

Zell: “He married me!” *puts an arm around rufus* “Rufus is my wife!”

Rufus: *head snaps up* “Hey! If anything *you’re* the girl, chicken-wuss!”

Zell: *flips out* “Don’t call your husband that!”

Rufus: “You’re not my husband!”

Lark: *blinks* “You and….Zell?”

Rufus: “Kill me! Kill me, please!”

Reno: *chuckles*

Rufus: “Shut up, Reno!”

Lark: *shocked* “And how did this happen?”

Rufus: *sobs* “I don’t know!!”

(flashback to the night before. rufus, cloud and zell are sitting in a circle, scattered liquor bottles around them. cloud is acting totally and completely sober. rufus and zell are both drunk off their asses)

Cloud: “Let us play truth or dare.”

Rufus: *voice slurred* “Aight.”

Zell: *voice slurred* “Cool!”

Cloud: “I shall begin the game. Zell, truth or dare?”

Zell: *voice slurred* “I’m Zell….right?”

Cloud: “Yes, that is correct.”

Zell: *voice slurred* “I pick………..the second one.”

Cloud: “Very well, I dare you to go marry Rufus.”

Zell: *voice slurred* “All right! You’re on!” *gets up and almost falls down* “C’mon, Rufus.”

Rufus: *voice slurred* “I’m a duck.”

(and the rest is history)

Rufus: “I’m still worried that we had sex.”

Zell: *thoughtfully* “How does that even work…??”

Rufus: “Don’t you even consider it!”

Zell: “Well, we *are* married…”

Rufus: “NO!!!! NO! NO! NO! We are getting this annulled as soon as I can get my hands on a lawyer.” *takes out phone* “That’ll be two seconds.”

Lark: “Hold on, Rufus.” *makes him put the phone away* “Let’s all chill for a minute.”

Shell: “Yeah, so, Lark, you married Sephiroth *and* Vincent.”

Lark: “Shut up.”

Seifer: “How did *that* happen?”

Lark: “I have *no* idea.”

(flashback to the night before. lark, sephiroth and vincent are all walking down the street, hand in hand, with lark in the middle)

Lark: “Well this is gonna be fun, huh? A nice vacation from all our problems.” *sweat drops* “Yup. Heh. A nice vacation.”

Sephiroth: “Yup. Real nice.” *glaring at vincent*

Vincent: “Very nice.” *looking at lark*

Lark: “Well now! Let’s find something to do, shall we?” *looks around* “Ooh!” *points* “Look! That bar is having karaoke night!”

Sephiroth: “Karaoke is just an excuse to to let drunk people make fools of themselves.”

Lark: “It’s fun. Let’s go.”

(so they go in. and several hours later, they come out, completely smashed. rest assured we all are slurring our words here, but i’m not going to keep typing it cause it gets annoying!)

Sephiroth: “Whoo, that was a good time.” *to vincent* “That was the best version of Total Eclipse of the Heart I ever heard!”

Vincent: “Thanks, Annnnnnnnnngel.”

Lark: *leaning on seph* “You know… I really love you, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “And I love you too, Lark. And I love Vincent.”

Vincent: “I love you both.”

Lark: “That’s neat.” *giggles*

Sephiroth: “Hey…know what you should do?”

Lark: “What?”

Sephiroth: “You should marry us.”

Lark: “I dun think I can do that.” *hiccup*

Vincent: “Ya know, if you pretend to be someone different, you could marry both of us.”

Lark: “Ah ha! Ya! I’ll dye my hair! And it’ll all be good!” *stumbles* “Ooh, this ground is so tricky.”

(so she and sephiroth go into a chapel and get married, and then she goes to buy some blonde hair dye, and dyes her hair blonde)

Lark: “I look like Marylin Monroe!”

Sephiroth: “No, no, no. You know who you look like?”

Lark: “Who?”

Sephiroth: “That actress…wuz her name…?”

Vincent: “Marylin Monroe?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah! Yeah that’s it!”

Lark: “C’mon, I gotta go get married again!” *starts dragging vincent along*

(so they get hitched. and the rest is…um…censored)

Reeve: “Lark, you know bigamy is illegal, right?”

Lark: *sigh* “I know, I know.”

Sephiroth: “Well she won’t have any problems after she annuls her marriage with Vincent and is only married to me.”

Lark: *blinks* “Excuse me?”

Sephiroth: “Well, *I* don’t want an annulment.”

Vincent: “Angel…”

Lark: “I don’t think we discussed this…”

Sephiroth: “What’s there to discuss? You’re mine now. *Mine*.”

Vincent: “And mine.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Vincent.”

Lark: *crosses arms* “Well you know what, you’re both *mine*, which means you’re not each others. That means you two can’t touch one another.” *pause* “….Although I’ll probably allow that…” *pause* “No, actually, I’m gonna have to encourage that.” *pause* “Okay, forget that all together!” *throws hands in the air* “What’s important here, is that…that….” *pause* “I forgot what I was gonna say.” *pouts*

Noelle: “It’s easy to get an annulment, right? I mean, what do you do? Fill out some forms?”

Lark: “Not just that. You have to go testify in court too!”

Rufus: “How do you know that?”

Lark: “….I saw it on an episode of Friends.”

Ashley: “So basically, you’re saying that this is going to be a pain in the ass.”

Lark: “Basically.”

Rufus: “Who cares?! I’m gonna have a pain in my ass if I don’t get this annulled!” *steps away from zell*

Zell: *scratches head* “What’d I do?”

Shell: *takes out pad of paper and a pen and hands it to rude* “Okay, Rude, since I missed my bridal shower, we have to make up for it all now. Write down all the places I’m going to register.”

Rude: “But we’re getting an annulment, Shell.”

Shell: “So?! We still *got* married! And girls who get married get bridal shower gifts! Now take this down: Tiffany’s… Sak’s…”

Reno: *arm around Noelle* “You know, while we’re married, we might as well go upstairs, hop into bed, and make the most of it while we can’t go to hell for it!”

Noelle: *pushes him off* “Ew, get off me, you disgusting creep! I am *not* sleeping with you.”

Reno: “But I don’t remember last night!”

Noelle: “Maybe your hand does.” *sticks tongue out at him*

Reno: *pouts* “Maybe it does.”

Ashley: “Seifer, what part of WE ARE GETTING AN ANNULMENT don’t you understand?!”

Seifer: “The WE part! I, as in ME, the Sorceress’ Knight, does NOT want to get this annulled! I like being married to you. That makes you *mine*…and me…*yours*.”

Ashley: “Okay, FIRST of all, still calling yourself the Sorceress’ Knight is a bigger laugh than calling Lark a virgin.”

Lark: “He~ey! Leave me outta this!”

Shell: “She’s gotta point.”

Lark: “Go back to your list and keep quiet!”

Ashley: “SECOND of all, I don’t give a flying rat’s ASS what you want. And second of all, you are *mine*, and I am no one’s! …Well, maybe Duo’s…”

Seifer: “But Ashley!” *pleads* “I really really really want this to stay! ….If you want… I… I… Um…” *thinks* “You can pull me around on a leash!”

Ashley: “Seifer, that’s like slavery.” *thinks a minute and her eyes light up* “Waaaaaaaait a minute… This could maybe work…” *the two rusty wheels in her head start a turnin’*

Lizzie: “Okay, Laguna, now that I’m first Lady of Esthar, I’ve gotta start doing stuff.”

Laguna: “I think I should get a new type of chair. The one in my office now is a *little* uncomfortable.”

Lizzie: *blinks* “Uh huh, yeah. That’s not what I was talking about. I need to reach out to the people of Esthar and show them they can trust their government! Forget what Ward says! Suzita knows!”

Laguna: “….Suzita?”

Lizzie: “Yeah!! So, I got this idea for a Rainbow Tour…”

Zell: “So….you don’t want to stay married to me?” *chin trembles*

Rufus: “HELL NO!”

Zell: “Why not?!”

Rufus: *in zell’s face* “Okay, what part of this don’t you understand? First of all, I don’t love you. I don’t even *like* you. Second of all, I don’t want to be married right now, especially not to you. And third of all, WE’RE BOTH GUYS! And even though you may be a question mark, I am STRAIGHT! Straight as an arrow! Straight as a—“

(zell grabs rufus by the shoulders and kisses him forcefully on the lips. rufus is wide eyed and stiff, until zell releases him with a grin)

Zell: *confidently* “You still wanna not marry me?”

Rufus: *squeaks* “Oh, god, I’m sorry for all the bad things I’ve done.” *collapses*

Katie: “I already know what we’re going to name our children, Irvine!”

Irvine: *squeaks* “…Kids?”

Katie: “Yup! We’re gonna have a whole bunch now that we’re married!”

Irvine: *shudders*

Barret: “Yo, this ain’t right! I can’t marry no…..no….what da hell are you?”

Red: “I am hoping that any moment I will just keel over and die.”

Barret: “Yo, could I get arrested for doin’ this?”

Red: “If only.”

Tseng: *whispers to reeve* “Should we tell them we got married on purpose?”

Reeve: *whispers back* “No. Remember, we’re supposed to still be in the closet. So, what we do is keep pretending we’re going to get this annulled, and never do. They’ll be too caught up in their own problems to remember us.”

Tseng: *smiles* “Ah, now I see why they call you a genius, Reeve.” *squeezes his hand*

Lark: “Sephiroth, I don’t care what you say. We are getting this annulled! Vincent has no problem with this!”

Sephiroth: “Well that’s because *Vincent* isn’t in l–” *stops* “Uh…” *sigh* “Look, can’t we just talk about this like adults?”

Lark: “What’s to talk about? I don’t want to get married! EVER! End of story!”

Sephiroth: “Oh, I get it. You just wanna keep sleeping around your whole life! Well go ahead! See where *that* gets you!”

Lark: “….. …. …. …. …. ….You don’t understand.”

Sephiroth: *glares* “I don’t think you do either.”

Vincent: “Stop this bickering!” *sigh* “Perhaps it would be best if we all went home now.”

Lark: *glaring at seph* “Good idea, *DARLING*.”

Sephiroth: *glaring at lark* “It’s fine with me.”

Cloud: “Ooh…shiny…” *looks at the ring on his finger*

Noelle: *takes cloud’s hand* “What’s this?” *shows it to reno* “Cloud got married too?”

Reno: “…But to who?” *pause* “Hey, Lark, you sure you didn’t get married three times?”

Lark: *dryly* “Ha ha ha.”

Noelle: “Well Cloud got married to someone.”

Lark: “Let me see that.” *looks at cloud’s finger* “…Hm. He sure did.” *looks him over* “Anyone see his certificate?”

Noelle: *searches his pockets* “Nope. But Cloud has a nice ass.” *grins*

Reno: *sigh* “We haven’t even been married a whole day and she’s cheating on me already.”

Lark: *claps hands* “Okay, that’s it. Pack it up everyone. We’re going back to the ramble room before we get in more trouble. We’ll….deal with everything there.”

Shell: “And Macy’s and Bloomingdale’s and—“

Rude: “Shell, we’re leaving now.”

Shell: *sigh* “All right. I’ll continue on the plane.”


(so they all pack up in silence. and they go to the airport in silence. *except for reeve who again gave the baggage handler a huge tip* and they’re on the plane in silence. then they all arrive back at the ramble room. zidane and vivi are in the ramble room, sitting at the counter)

Zidane: “And that, Vivi, is how you can drink a lot, and not throw up.”

Vivi: *falls to the floor*

Zidane: “Vivi?”

(the door opens and everyone parades in, looking worn and weary and aggravated. well, except for a few of them. but, for the most part, not good. they all drop their bags and silently drape themselves over the furniture.)

Zidane: *blinks* “…..Fun trip?”

Everyone: “……………………..”

Zidane: “Okay, whatever.” *goes over to lark* “I’ve missed ya. Let’s go make out.”

Sephiroth: *snaps* “I don’t think so, buddy.”

Zidane: “Was I asking you? …I mean right now?”

Sephiroth: *holds up lark’s hand and shows her the ring* “She’s taken.”

Zidane: *eyes widen* “Whoa! You two got hitched!? …Well, I gotta say it’s about time you two did *something*.”

Lark: *gets up* “I got married to Vincent too. We all got drunk and married each other, and now we’re all fighting.”

Tseng: “Yup. All of us. Especially me and Reeve.”

Rufus: “You two were cuddling on the plane!”

Tseng and Reeve: *look at each other* “No….we were….uh…fighting.”

Zidane: “Married, huh?” *laughs* “That’s funny.”

Irvine: “It’s not *funny*, Zidane.” *glares*

Zidane: *shocked* “I-Irvine? *You* got married?”

Irvine: “Um, yeah!”

Katie: “I’m so happy!”

Irvine: “We are getting this annulled!”

Katie: *pouts* “I liked you better when all you could do was squeak.”

Zell: “I married Rufus!” *puts an arm around rufus*

Rufus: “Leave me alone!” *moves away*

Zidane: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up a second.” *jaw drops* “Rufus and Zell….?” *chuckles* “I mean, I knew about Zell, but Rufus?!”

Rufus: “I’m NOT gay!”

Reno: “That’s not what you said last night.”

Rufus: “And Reno’s not making it any better!”

Lizzie: “Laguna and I are pretty happy.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! We’re gonna make Esthar a better place!”

Lizzie: “I’m going to need some new clothes to start.”

Laguna: *puts an arm around her* “Whatever you want, dear!” *leads her out*

Seifer: “Ashley and I are trying to work something out.”

Ashley: “Can it be leather?”

Seifer: “Sure.” *grins*

Ashley: “You got a deal.” *they shake on it*

Shell: “And Rude and I are registering for gifts.”

Zidane: “Oh. You’re staying together?”

Shell: *laughs* “Oh, gods no. After I collect what I’m owed, this is all over.”

Rude: “What you’re *owed*?”

Shell: “Yeah, come on, Rude, let’s go get my crystal goblets.”

Rude: *sighs* “Yes, Shell.” *they leave*

Noelle: “I’d just like to announce that Reno and I are getting a annulment as soon as possible.”

Reno: “There’s just one thing we have to do first. We have to do it a few times actually. It can be all in one night but—“

Noelle: “NO! NO SEX!” *stomps out*

Reno: “Oh man. The only good thing about marriage, and I get none of it.”

Zidane: “Barret? Red? …How on Gaia could you two have possibly married?”

Barret and Red: *glare*

Barret: “Jes shut up, monkey boy. Jes shut up.”

Zidane: *blinks* “Okay.” *looks at tseng and reeve* “No surprise there.”

Tseng: “For your information, we were very drunk.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, you two always seem to hook up when you’re drunk.” *knowing look*

Reeve: “Well….shut up. We gotta go.” *drags tseng out*

Zidane: *looks at lark* “So you’re married, huh?”

Lark: “Not for much longer.”

Sephiroth: “So *she* says.”

Lark: “Well *she* gets the final word.” *stomps out*

Sephiroth: “Larky!!! I think we need to talk!!!” *leaves*

Lark’s voice: “DON’T CALL ME LARKY!!!”

Vincent: “Hm.” *leaves*

Zidane: *blinks* “Boy. I’m sure glad I didn’t go.”

Everyone: “SHUT UP, ZIDANE!!!”


(later….in Katie’s room….irvine is inside the bedroom, sitting on the bed, whining endlessly about how he has to get this annulled before his father finds out and he gets his pretty little ass kicked. Katie is in the bathroom, going through the medicine cabinet.)

Irvine: “My brothers’ll laugh at me! And you don’t want that, do ya? Besides, we’ll just have ugly kids anyway. You don’t want our kids comin’ out like Billy Bob, do ya? That’s a possibility. He *is* my brother. So I think we should end this before some innocent kid comes out of this screwed up or somethin’. Besides, you don’t wanna marry me. I’m not even a SeeD! I have no income!”

Katie: *mutters* “I’ve gotta think of some way to keep him married to me….” *she spots a pregnancy test and picks it up, grinning evilly* “Heh heh.” *turns to irvine* “I’m afraid it’s too late, Irvine.” *she takes out the test itself, throws it away, and holds up the empty box* “I’m going to have a baby!!!”

Irvine: “Oh Abraham Lincoln.” *eyes roll back and he passes out*

(meanwhile…in laguna and Lizzie’s room)

Laguna: “That’s sure a lot of clothes you got, Lizzie.”

Lizzie: “That’s Suz*ita*.”

Laguna: “Uh…..right. And they’re all 40’s style too.”

Lizzie: “Of course they are. Otherwise nothing would go right.”

Laguna: *blinks* “Uh……right.”

Lizzie: “Know what’s good about us?”

Laguna: “What?”

Lizzie: “You’re the President of a big country, and I don’t have to have any kids cause you already have one.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! That’s true!”

Lizzie: “Damn straight.” *starts humming ‘good night and thank you’*

(meanwhile, in shell and rude’s room, rude is trying to sleep, but shell is sitting up in bed, checking off a list)

Shell: “And Lark and Sephiroth can get us that…. and Lark and Vincent can get us this…” *laughs* “Oh, it is *too* convenient that she has two husbands, the slut. That means two presents! …And Noelle and Reno can give us this…”

Rude: *turns to look at her* “Uh…Shell…I don’t think you can tell people what gifts to give you.”

Shell: “Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust watch me.” *evil laughter*

(meanwhile, rufus walks into his room, whistling merrily. he flips on the light to see zell lying across the bed)

Rufus: “AH!”

Zell: “Welcome home, darling!”

Rufus: “DARLING?!?! Zell, we are *not* married! Or we will not be for long. Just forget about it!”

Zell: *pouts* “But I think this could work out! I mean, I’m not totally disgusted by the idea. You’re handsome, you’re rich, and you can’t do much better than me! I make my own money! And I’m…um…blonde. Everyone hates you! You should be glad to have me!”

Rufus: “Hmmm…” *pause* “No!” *shakes head* “What am I thinking?! I want a female!”

Zell: “Oh, come on! Um…my religion is against annulments?”

Rufus: *walking towards the bathroom* “When I come out you better be on the floor.”

Zell: “Uh…I’m pregnant?”

Rufus: *laughs hysterically* “I don’t know what’s funnier, the idea that you *could* be pregnant, or the idea that we slept together! Ha, ha, ha.” *slams bathroom door shut*

Zell: “This calls for drastic action.” *pulls out ‘how to jump start your marriage*

(meanwhile, barret is talking to cid, while red just sits there)

Barret: “Yeah, you heard me, man!”

Cid: “%#%#$%#$^^#$^$#^%^@#$^%#@^#$&#$%@!!!!”

Barret: “Yo, I don’t believe it neither! But we got that piece o’ paper that proves it!”

Cid: “$%#@$%@#^%$^%&%^*&%^*#@^%!!”

Barret: “I didn’t think it wuz legal to marry them things either, but I did!”

Red: *paw to his head* “Oh, the misery that is my life.”

(meanwhile…with Noelle and reno…Noelle is sitting on the bed, reno besides her)

Noelle: “For the last time, get OFF!” *shoves him on the floor*

Reno: “…Can I get you drunk again?”

Noelle: “NO!” *kicks him*

(meanwhile…Ashley and seifer)

Ashley: *hands seifer a yellow legal pad* “Here you go.”

Seifer: *flipping through it* “Ashley…when I said you could set a few rules, I didn’t say you could write a whole constitution!”

Ashley: “Well, you never said I *couldn’t*.”

Seifer: *sweat drops*

(meanwhile…reeve and tseng are in their room….)

Tseng: “So, do you think they’re buying our ‘we got married by accident’ ploy so far?”

Reeve: “They have their doubts, but they’ll give up on us soon enough.”

Tseng: *sigh* “So what do you want to do tonight?”

Reeve: “I have an idea.” *grins and shuts the light off*

(and finally, right outside lark’s room…)

Sephiroth: “You don’t HAVE a choice. We’re staying married! Look, I’m putting my foot down!”

(he goes to put his foot down, but vincent sticks his foot in the way and seph steps on vincent’s foot instead)

Sephiroth: “Hey!!”

Lark: “We are NOT staying married! Of COURSE I have a choice! I’m part of this marriage too, ya know! And unless you can think of a good reason why we should stay married, forget it.”

Sephiroth: “Uh….you don’t have a choice?”

Lark: “No good.”

Sephiroth: “It’s too much work to get unmarried?”

Lark: “No good.”

Sephiroth: “You *wanna* stay married?”

Lark: “Don’t give me that crap.”

Sephiroth: “…You’re pregnant?”

Lark: “God no!”

Sephiroth: “Then I’ll *get* you pregnant.” *grabs lark’s hand and drags her into her room*

Vincent: “SEPHIROTH!!!” *follows*

Lark: “Sephiroth, this is ridiculous.” *yanks wrist free of seph’s grip* “I’m not sleeping with you.”

Sephiroth: *jaw drops* “What? Why not?”

Lark: “Why?! Because you’re a big huge jerk! Now get out.”

Sephiroth: *stammers* “B-but-but what about Vincent?”

Lark: “Vincent can stay.”

Sephiroth: “No! No, no, no, no, no! You can’t sleep with him! He’s *mine*. You’re *mine*.”

Lark: “No one’s yours, Sephiroth. Now get out before I actually get mad.”

Sephiroth: *glares at vincent* “You bastard.” *stomps out*

Vincent: *jaw hits the floor*

Lark: “Ugh! That jerk!” *kicks the wall* “He gets me so mad!”

Vincent: *sigh* “I think we all need to relax. It’s been a difficult few days.”

Lark: “Shut the door, Vincent.”

Vincent: “Excuse me?”

Lark: “We’ll give Sephiroth something to be jealous about.”

(vincent’s eyes widen, but he quickly moves to shut the door)


(the next morning in the ramble room)

Ashley: *walks in with seifer on a leash* “Ah, it’s good to be me.”

Seifer: “Can you stop pulling? You’re hurting me.”

Ashley: *pulls leash* “Sit, Seifer.”

Seifer: *sits*

Ashley: “Heh heh heh.”

(Noelle and reno come in)

Reno: “Marriage sucks! When can I get my annulment?”

Noelle: “*Your* annulment?! I want mine more!”

Reno: “I’m going to go down to a lawyer’s office and get the papers.” *mumbles stuff and exits*

Noelle: “What’s with the leash, Ashley?”

Ashley: “It’s my new best friend!” *pulls*

Seifer: “Ow!”

(rufus stomps in, zell at his heels)

Rufus: “Zell, put that book away!”

Zell: “What? What’s wrong?” *holds up ‘ways to improve your marriage’*

Rufus: *pouring himself coffee* “We don’t *have* a marriage! We have a momentary inconvenience.”

Zell: *holds up certificate* “This says we have a marriage.”

Rufus: “Stop flashing that thing in my face!”

Zell: *sits* “Get me some coffee too, dear.”

Rufus: “Grrrrrrr…….”

(enter barret and red)

Barret: “Yo, sup?”

Red: “We are going to get our union annulled this morning.” *mumbles* “It can’t happen fast enough.”

Barret: “Yo, and I gotta use Marlene’s schoolin’ money for this here procedure!”

Everyone: *blinks*

Barret: “Yo, fine. It’s my jewelry money. But now I can’t get myself no new chains!”

Red: *sigh* “Let us go.” *leaves*

Barret: *as he leaves* “Yo, wait, angelfish! Don’t ya need some leash or somethin’?!”

(rude and shell enter. rude has that legal pad again)

Shell: “We have a busy day of shopping ahead, Rude!”

Rude: *sigh* “Yes, Shell. What about the annulment?”

Shell: “That’s later! As soon as I get my coffee we’re hitting the stores.”

(lark enters, hand in hand with vincent)

Lark: “Vincent, for the last time, the claw wasn’t a problem.”

Vincent: “I’m sorry. It seems to me it would be bothersome.”

Everyone: *blinks*

Lark: “What? I can’t sleep with my own husband?”

Noelle: “Um….where’s Sephiroth?”

Lark: “Who cares? Vincent and I didn’t need him.” *smiles*

Vincent: “I must admit we did not.”

(Lizzie enters in a 40s style suit, laguna behind her)

Lizzie: “Okay, here’s the plan. I’ll get my coffee, then we’ll go to Esthar, and I’ll address the people. I know *exactly* what I’m going to say.” *starts humming ‘don’t cry for me argentina’*

Laguna: “Hey hey! It’s great you’re so ambitious!” *sweat drops*

(then reeve and tseng come in, hand in hand)

Everyone: *blinks*

(tseng and reeve shift uncomfortably and separate)

Reeve: “Did I say you could touch me?”

Tseng: “Like I would *want* to.”

Everyone: *blinks*

(then Katie comes running in, a huge smile on her face, followed by a very downcast irvine)

Katie: “Guess what, everyone?! I’m pregnant!!!”

Everyone: “WHAT?!?!??!?!?!”

Irvine: *hand to head* “Don’t remind me…”

Lark: “You’re pregnant?!?”

Katie: “Yup! Isn’t that great!?!”

Irvine: “No.”

Rufus: “Heh heh. Sucks to be Irvine.”

Zell: “That’s not nice, dear.”

Rufus: *hangs head* “Sucks to be me too.”

Noelle: “I can’t believe it!! My sister’s going to have a baby!!!” *hugs Katie*

Irvine: “Kill me… Someone *just* kill me.”

Rufus: “I’ll kill you if you kill me.”

Zell: “No, dear! I don’t want to be a widow!!”

Rufus: *twitch* “I’m getting out of here and I’m calling my lawyer!” *stomps out*

Zell: “You can’t do that without my consent!!!” *follows*

Lizzie: “Congratulations, Katie, but I’ve got a nation waiting!!” *waves and leaves*

Laguna: *quietly* “I’m a little scared of her.” *leaves*

Shell: “You go get the car, Rude, and I’ll wait here.”

Rude: “…Can’t I have some coffee, Shell?”

Shell: *sigh* “Do you want to drink coffee, Rude, or do you want to shop?”

Rude: “….drink….coffee?”

Shell: *spasm* “Did I hear what I *think* I heard, Rude?”

Rude: *surely* “Shop, Shell. I said shop.”

Shell: “That’s what I *thought*, Rude. That’s what I thought.”

(rude leaves the room)

Noelle: “Omg, I’m so excited!! I’m going to be an aunt!! I’m going to go buy you all kinds of baby stuff!!” *runs out*

Ashley: “Seifer, dear, do you think you could go out and buy me something expensive?”

Seifer: *snort* “No.”

Ashley: *pulls leash*

Seifer: “Ow! Yeah! If it’ll get me off this leash!”

Ashley: *frees him* “Go, Seifer! And it better be good!”

Seifer: “I’m free! I’m free!” *runs out*

Tseng: “We should be going now. Congratulations, Katie.”

Reeve: “Yes, congratulations.” *takes tseng’s hand and they start walking out*

Lark: “Oh, are you guys going to get your annulment now?”

Reeve and Tseng: *exchange looks* “Uh….yeah.” *leave*

Lark: “Hmmm…”

Irvine: “I’m not feeling so well. I think I’m going to go lie down for awhile.”

Katie: “All right! See you later, sweetie!”

Irvine: *lifelessly* “Yeah. Later.”

(that leaves Katie, lark, vincent, shell, and Ashley in the room. Katie comes and sits on the couch)

Katie: “Okay, I have to tell you guys a secret.”

Ashley: “I can see where this is going.”

Katie: “I’m not really pregnant.”

Shell: “WHAT?!”

Katie: “I just did it to trick Irvine so he would stay married to me.”

Shell: *gasp* “Katie! That’s…that’s…dishonest! And brilliant!”

Katie: “Thanks!” *grin*

Vincent: “Irvine does not seem to be taking this well.”

Lark: “Um…Katie…I think he’s eventually going to realize you’re *not* pregnant.”

Katie: “Oh, what do men know. No offense, Vincent.”

Vincent: “I don’t suppose any is taken.”

Katie: “Besides, by the time he figures out I should be giving birth, I hope to be pregnant for real.”

Shell: “Ew! Irvine won’t have sex with someone who he thinks is pregnant!”

Everyone: *gives her ‘are you serious’ looks*

Shell: “…Yeah, you’re right. He would.”

Katie: “But don’t tell anyone else this is all a big scam!”

Ashley: “Not even Noelle?”

Katie: “No! If she really thinks I’m pregnant, so will Irvine.”

Ashley: *shrugs* “Hell, it’s your funeral.”

Katie: “I better go check on him. He’s been partial to fainting spells lately. By~e!” *leaves*

Shell: “Rude better have that car out front! I’ll see you all later.” *leaves*

Ashley: *gets up* “I’m gonna go too. Just in case Sephiroth comes in and you all start yelling.” *walks out*

Vincent: “He’s going to do more than yell.” *pause* “He’ll probably chop things off.” *gulp*

Lark: “Oh relax. He’s too much of a sissy.”

(then sephiroth comes in carrying a big box)

Sephiroth: “Hello, darling.” *pause* “Jackass.”

Vincent: “I think I’m jackass.”

Lark: “Sephiroth…? …You’re not wielding the masamune?”

Sephiroth: “….Would you like me to?”

Lark: “Well…I’m just curious…cause…you know…me and Vincent…last night…I thought you would be mad.”

Sephiroth: “It’s him I’m mad at. Not you.”

Vincent: “But Seph–“

Sephiroth: “Shut up, I hate you.” *smiles at lark* “Now, darling, I went to see my father–“

Lark and Vincent: “YOU DID WHAT?!”

Sephiroth: *calmly* “I went to see my father to tell him I got married.”

Vincent: “He called Hojo his father…”

Lark: “He went to *see* him!?”

Sephiroth: “Anyway, once I pried him away from Kuja, he managed to congratulate me and give me this.”

(he points to the box, which moves slightly)

Lark: “Uh……..I think there’s something alive in there.”

(the box shakes violently)

Lark: *backs up* “Oh yeah. Definitely something alive in there.”

Sephiroth: *pouts* “Well at least I did something! What did *Vincent* do?”

Lark: *grins* “Well–“

Sephiroth: “Don’t answer that!” *goes over to the box* “I’m going to open this.”

Vincent: “Sephiroth, I wouldn’t–“

Sephiroth: “Shut up. I don’t talk to you anymore.”

(they all come crowd around the box and sephiroth opens it. there is a flash of black, and then nothing)

Lark: “It’s empty.”

Vincent: “Whatever was in there has already escaped.”

(they hear the quick clicking of feet moving across the floor and some high pitched cackling laughter)

Vincent: *pales* “Oh yes. It is out.”

Lark: *frantically scanning the floor* “Well, where is it?!”

Sephiroth: “Uh, I don’t know!! Around?!”

(more strange clicking)

Lark: “Sephiroth! What the hell did you let loose!?!”

Sephiroth: “I don’t know! Whatever was in the box!”

(more strange clicking)

Vincent: “Um…I advise that we all tuck our pants into our socks.”


Sephiroth: “Look, I’ll kill it, okay? What are handsome muscular husbands for?” *takes out masamune*

Lark: *shoves the box into his arms* “No. You take this back to Hojo, and make HIM come and catch it.”

Sephiroth: *desperately* “I already went there once today. Don’t make me go back. Heidegger was wearing a mu-mu!”

Lark: “GO!”

Sephiroth: *whimpers* “If I do, will you stay married to me?”

Lark: “NO! GO ANYWAY!”

Sephiroth: *pouts* “FINE! I hope that thing eats metal!” *glares at vincent and leaves with the box*

Vincent: *sigh* “He truly hates me now.”

Lark: “He’s just being a big baby. Don’t worry about it.”

(more strange clicking)

Lark: *sweat drops* “*That* we should worry about.”


(meanwhile, in loser land….heidegger is in the kitchen, prancing around and eating a turkey leg, kuja is on the couch, filing his nails, scarlet and nida are slumped on the couch, watching a cooking show on tv, and hojo is fiddling with some contraption at his desk)

Hojo: “Now that my son is married to that stupid whore, perhaps we will be let into the ramble room!”

Nida: *blinks* “Sephiroth is married to Scarlet?”

Scarlet: *slaps him upside the head* “BAKA!”

Heidegger: *prancing* “Gya ha HA! Gya ha HA!”

Kuja: *casually* “Has anyone ever considered getting him some professional help?”

Everyone: *blinks*

Hojo: “Anyway, I’m sure once they enjoy my gift, they will be *sure* to let us in!!”

Scarlet: “What the hell was in that box?”

Hojo: *shrugs* “One of the creatures left over from the petting zoo from our amusement park.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! The licking one?”

Hojo: *sweat drops* “God, I hope not.”

(there’s a knock at the door. everyone exchanges looks)

Hojo: *clears his throat* “How many times must I explain that that is the sound a DOOR makes?!”

Nida: *jumps up* “I’ll get it!” *opens the door* “Eep! Hojo, Sephiroth’s back!!”

(sephiroth grabs nida by the collar and lifts him up, walking into the room)

Nida: *squeaks* “And he doesn’t look happy.”

Hojo: “Ah, my darling son! You’ve returned!” *gets up and puts an arm around seph* “Did Lark enjoy my present?”

Sephiroth: “We can’t *find* your present. I opened the box, and it was gone. Now there’s only a strange clicking noise, and a blur of black going by.” *drops nida*

Nida: *rubs head* “Ow….”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! The licking one!”

Hojo: *pales* “Oh no…”

Sephiroth: “Anyway, you better get your second rate scientist ass in there and catch it, otherwise I will get NO action from Lark, and someone’s gonna have to die.”

Hojo: *sigh* “All right. I’ll do it. But I’ll need a hammer, a plastic bag, and Kuja.”

Sephiroth: “Kuja?? Why Kuja?”

Hojo: “I need something pretty to keep me going.”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “Do what you want. I’m going to tell Lark you’re coming. And you better show!!” *stomps out*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Licky licky!”

Hojo: *shudders* “All right, I am going to the ramble room. Perhaps if I do well, we will be invited to join them.”

Scarlet: “And perhaps a million bats will fly out of Nida’s ass singing ‘Polly Waddle Doodle’.”

Nida: “What now?”

Hojo: “Come on, Kuja.”

Kuja: *sigh* “Must I?”

Hojo: “Don’t tell me you have forgotten the mirror wall already.”

Kuja: *on his feet and half-way out the door* “There is nothing that makes me happier.”


(meanwhile, back in the ramble room, lark and vincent are standing on the couch, holding onto one another and looking at the floor in fear. then sephiroth comes and walks into the room casually)

Sephiroth: *glares at them* “A~hem.”

Lark: “What?! We’re scared of the freak creature you brought!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah right!” *points at vincent* “You just want an excuse to put your hands on my wife!”

Vincent: “She’s my wife too.”

Sephiroth: “Anyway, Hojo’s coming. He’s bringing a friend.”

Lark: “WHAT?!”

(there’s a knock at the door and sephiroth opens it and hojo and kuja step in. hojo has a hammer and a plastic bag. kuja has a purse)

Hojo: “Hello.” *looks at vincent* “Hello, Vincent.” *raises eyebrows*

Vincent: “I’m married.”

Hojo: “What?”

Vincent: “I’m married to Lark.”

Hojo: “I thought Sephiroth was married to Lark.”

Sephiroth: “Grrr…….we’re both married to her, okay? Some weird stuff happened! Now just catch this freak thing and get the hell out!”

Kuja: *glares* “Hello……Lark.”

Lark: *glares as she steps off the couch* “Hello……..Kuja.”

(silence. they hear the clicking noise)

Hojo: “Oh, this could get dangerous.”

Kuja: “Ooh! Mirror!” *prances over*

Hojo: “I’ll get it.” *gets down on his knees and starts crawling around with the hammer in one hand and the plastic bag in the other*

Lark: *hand to her head* “It’s one bad thing after another.”

Sephiroth: “Just for your information, I’m better in bed than Vincent.”

Vincent: “Excuse me!?”

Sephiroth: “I am. You’d agree if we weren’t fighting.”

Vincent: “I do *not* agree. I’m the one that did most of the work. You’d just lay there.”

Sephiroth: “Not true! I did….stuff!”

(lark sighs and walks out of the room while they’re still arguing. she’s walking down the hall when hojo’s voice can be heard)

Hojo’s voice: “Vincent, could you *stop* talking about how you slept with my son?!”

Lark: *sighs and shakes her head*


(meanwhile, barret and red have gone to a lawyer’s office. barret is sitting in the chair, red at his side)

Lawyer: “Now, what brings you here today, sir? Are you suing because of discrimination?”

Barret: “No, man! We’s here to get our marriage annulled.”

Lawyer: *blinks* “We?”

Red: *sits up on his hind legs* “Hello.”

Lawyer: *blinks and leans forward* “The what now?”

Barret: “Me ‘n dogfish here got hitched in Vegas by accident.”

Red: “….What is a dog*fish*?”

Lawyer: “You married *that*?”

Barret: “Yup.”

Lawyer: “I don’t even think this is legal.”

Barret: “I got the certificate right here.” *hands him the certificate*

Lawyer: “Mr. T?”

Barret: “Dat’s me. …At least on there. My real name’s Barret Wallace!”

Lawyer: “….And cat/rat/moo?”

Red: “That would be the name I go by on there. My real name is Red.”

Lawyer: *blinks* “All right, you’re telling me that you two—a human and a, a, a–whatever – got drunk in Vegas, got married under FAKE NAMES, and now you want an annulment?!”

Barret and Red: *look at one another and then they look at the lawyer* “Yes.”

(a second later, they are standing outside the lawyer’s office in silence)

Barret: “Yo! If it’s so illegal, how come dae let it happen?!”

Red: *sigh* “I cannot believe he would not do the annulment.”

Barret: “Yo, I can’t believe dis! What we gonna do now? Do I gotta keep ya as a pet or somethin’?!”

Red: “Just rip it up.”

Barret: “Yo! We can’t do that!!”

Red: “Why not?”

Barret: “It’s breakin’ more laws!”

Red: “You won’t tell, I won’t tell. Rip it up, and we’ll pretend it’s all legal.”

Barret: “Aight, cat/dog/rat/moo/bear. You gotta deal.” *he rips it up and lets the pieces fall to the floor* “Look, an’ now I’m litterin’!”

Red: *rolls eyes* “Yes. Good for you.”


(meanwhile reno is pouting in his room, sitting on the bed, looking unhappy)

Reno: *thinks* Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad…. Maybe we could work it out and stay married? *shakes head* Nah, it would never work. She hates me! ….And I can’t get married! I’m Reno! *nods* ……….. *shakes head with a sigh* Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t even know who Reno really is. I better go down there right now and get that annulment. *stands*

(then Noelle comes in carrying a whole armful of baby stuff)

Noelle: “Hi, Reno-chan! Tee-hee!” *goes into the next room*

Reno: *jaw hits the floor* “What the….”

Noelle: *walks back out empty handed*

Reno: “Uh, is that baby stuff?”

Noelle: “Du~uh! I’ve got more in the car.” *leaves*

Reno: *lots and lots of sweat drops* “Omg! Noelle is pregnant!!!???”


(meanwhile…in esthar….kiros and Lizzie are standing around waiting for Lizzie to go on stage)

Kiros: *taps foot* “So you married Laguna?”

Lizzie: *reading notes looks up* “Yeah.”

Kiros: “….You love him?”

Lizzie: *shrugs*

Kiros: “You can’t shrug that question.”

Lizzie: *sighs* “Look, shouldn’t you be talking for Ward?”

Kiros: “I’m *just* trying to protect my friend.”

Lizzie: “Your friend?! You hate his guts! All day long you make fun of him through Ward!!”

Kiros: “For your information I really lo–“

Laguna: *runs in* “Hey hey! I’m President of Esthar!!”

Kiros: *annoyed* “ARGH!!! Ward says you’re stupid, and ugly and no one in their right mind would love you!!!” *stomps out*

Laguna: *sniffs* “Why is Ward so cruel?” *wipes eyes*

Voice from the stage: “And now, presenting the first lady of Esthar: Lizzie Loire!”

Lizzie: “Gotta go, kiss kiss, bye bye!” *goes on stage*

Laguna: *sniff* “Honey??”


(meanwhile, reeve and tseng are making out on the porch swing…)

Reeve: *breaks away* “Hey, you don’t think anyone will see us here, do you?”

Tseng: “Who sits on the porch swing?”

Reeve: “Point taken. But it’s so nice!”

Tseng: *shrugs and starts kissing him again*

Reeve: *pulls away a second later* “Hey, I just got an idea.”

Tseng: “Darling, you already *built* Midgar.”

Reeve: “No, better than that. We should go on a Honeymoon! While we’re away, everyone will totally forget we even existed.” *pause* “Or you anyway. They always forget about me.” *frown*

Tseng: “Aw, sweetie, I love you.” *strokes his cheek*

Reeve: “Then it’s settled. I’ll go get the tickets to somewhere nice and romantic. You go inside and pretend you hate me.”

Tseng: “Can do.”

(they share a nice long kiss, during which red walks by, looks at them and sighs. reeve and tseng break away blushing)

Reeve: “You saw nothing.” *runs off*

Red: *sigh* “It is a difficult thing to be me.”


(so tseng goes into the ramble room, and he freezes in the doorway, where lark, seph and vincent are standing on the couch, hojo is smacking the floor through a plastic bag, and kuja is putting on lip gloss in the mirror)

Tseng: “Um…what’s going on here?”

Lark: “Tsengy! Get on the couch! Hojo’s crazy wedding gift is running around wild!!”

Tseng: *shifts uncomfortably* “….I think something just licked me.”

Everyone: *gasp*

Hojo: “Oh, it wasn’t licking you.”

Tseng: *sweat drops* “…I think I’m going to get on the couch now.” *leaps on the couch*

Sephiroth: “You know we could have an orgy now.”

Lark: *smacks him upside the head*

Hojo: “What was that?”

Lark: *throws her shoe at him* “Get back to work, you twisted freak!”

Hojo: *shoe hits him in the head* “Ow! Please! My brain is all I have!”

Kuja: *snorts* “Quite the truth.”

Hojo: “You pipe down, you!”

Tseng: “What is Kuja doing here?”

Kuja: “I’m trying on my new Pupa Brilliant Look Glitter Gloss. It’s red ruby.”

Tseng: “Ooh. That’s good stuff.”

Sephiroth: “You are SUCH a flamer!”

Lark: “I wouldn’t talk–you and Vincent had a HUGE, *GRAPHIC* argument about who was better in bed!”

Sephiroth: “You came back so you could hear it!”

Lark: “……..That’s besides the point!!”

Vincent: *ahem* “So, Tseng, where is Reeve?”

Tseng: *sweat drops* “Reeve? Oh, who cares?” *waves hand*

Kuja: “Reeve… Oh, I know him. He’s cute.”

Tseng: “HE’S MINE!!!!!”

Everyone: *blinks*

Tseng: *blushes* “Uh…you know. Under the law.” *pulls the certificate out of his pocket* “See?” *something else falls to the couch*

Lark: “What’s that?”

Tseng: *sweat drops* “Uh….I don’t know.”

Lark: *picks it up and reads it* “Aw!!! How sweet!! You wrote your own vows to each other?”

Sephiroth: *knowing look* “You managed to do this when you were drunk?”

Tseng: “Uh….I get poetic when I’m drunk.”

Sephiroth: “The only thing you get when you’re drunk is la–“

Lark: “OK~AY! I’ve had enough for one day.” *hands the paper back to tseng* “Let’s keep the conversation down to a PG level.”

Hojo: *smacking the floor* “Drat! Missed again!”

Kuja: *yawns* “Sounds like the other night.”

Hojo: “I TOLD YOU to quiet down!”

Lark: “PG! PG!!”

Sephiroth: “Hey, Lark, supposing you were pregnant, what would you name your kid?”

Lark: “Is it a boy or a girl?”

Sephiroth: “It’s both. Twins. What would you name them?”

Lark: “Reeve and Lark.”

Kuja: *flips hair over his shoulder* “And they call me vain.”

Hojo: “Oh please. It’s not like she’d be naming it after herself. We all know her real name is–“

Lark: *throws other shoe at him* “SHUT UP AND SMACK!”

Hojo: *gets hit in the head* “Ouch! Well at least they’re not heels.”

Sephiroth: “Let’s throw Vincent’s shoes at him!!”

Hojo: “No! No!” *shields head*

(clatter of the feet running and a black blur goes by)

Everyone: *shudders*

(then shell comes parading in with rude and a lot of shopping bags)

Shell: “Rude, put those things in our room. I need to negotiate.”

Rude: *sigh* “Yes, Shell. Then can we get an annulment?”

Shell: “Yeah, sure, do what you want. Everything’s paid for.”

Rude: *sigh* “Yes, Shell.” *goes out*

Shell: “Oh, Lar~ark!” *pause* “Why is everyone on the couch? And why is Hojo smacking the floor with a hammer? …And, ooh! Kuja! Where did you get that lip gloss??”

Kuja: “Sephora.”

Shell: “Ooh! I *love* that store!”

Lark: “What is it, Shell?”

Shell: *goes up on the couch* “What do you think of this yacht?” *takes out a magazine and shows lark*

Lark: “It’s nice.”

Shell: “Great! That’s the one then!” *writes ‘lark and sephiroth next to it*

Lark: “Uh…wait. What’s that?”

Shell: “Oh, this is going to be your wedding present to me and Rude!”

Lark: “…But you’re only going to be married for like five more minutes.”

Shell: “We were still *married*.”

Lark: “I’m not getting you a yacht!”

Shell: “Oh, relax, it’s not as expensive as the Lexus you and Vincent are getting me.”

Vincent: *sweat drops*

Shell: “Oh, and by the way, Tseng, you and Reeve might have to start begging Rufus for a bit more money if you two are going to make the payments on our beach condo.” *strolls out*

Tseng: *squeaks* “….Beach condo?”

Lark: “Hojo, hurry up! I have to get my marriages annulled!”

Hojo: “It’s not my fault you’re a whore.”

Lark: *glares* “You’re just lucky I’m outta shoes.”

Sephiroth: “Throw your top at him!” *pause* “Ow! Vincent! That claw hurts!!”


(meanwhile, Ashley  is lounging in her room, reading a magazine, when seifer comes in, looking upset)

Ashley: *not looking up* “Where’s my something expensive?”

Seifer: “I left it at the store.”

Ashley: *puts down magazine* “What?!? Bad slave! You need to be punished!”

Seifer: *grins* “He~ey! All–” *pause* “Wait, no! You know, I thought this wouldn’t be so bad, but I liked it better when we were dating and you pushed me around *without* the leash. I changed my mind! I want the annulment.”

Ashley: *shrugs* “Fine. Do what you want. I wanted one from the beginning.”

Seifer: “I’m not taking no for an answer!”

Ashley: “I said it’s fine. Go ahead and get it.”

Seifer: “I don’t care what you say! I’m getting a lawyer right now!!” *stomps out*

Ashley: *picks up magazine* “Eh, so basically nothing’s changed. I can use that leash for other things.” *evil smile*


(meanwhile, Noelle is still bringing in baby stuff, and reno is flipping out)

Reno: “So, uh, that’s a lot of stuff.”

Noelle: “Yup!”

Reno: *stares at the pile* “Oh yeah.”

Noelle: “Well that’s all of it!” *brushes off hands*

Reno: *turns to her* “Uh, you know, Noelle, um, I was going to get the annulment, but now that we have this to deal with, I don’t think it’s such a good idea.”

Noelle: “What the hell are you talking about??

Reno: “Well, I never thought I was going to be a father, but you know, I’m not too upset about the idea. It might be cool, ya know? So think we should stay married for the kid’s sake.”

Noelle: “Whoa, what now?”

Reno: “I’m saying, since you’re pregnant, we should stay married.”

Noelle: *holds up hands* “Whoa! Slow down! I’m not pregnant!”

Reno: *blinks* “You’re not?”

Noelle: “God no! Do you think if I was having your kid I’d be buying stuff!? I’d be slamming your stupid ass head against the wall.”

Reno: “…Oh.”

Noelle: “Katie’s having a baby! I’m going to be an aunt!”

Reno: *sigh of a relief* “Oh, okay, then it’s Irvine problem then!” *wipes brow* “Boy do I feel better.” *pause* “….So how about some good ol’ end of marriage sex before I get this annulment?”

Noelle: “NO!” *slaps him and storms out*

Reno: *holds his cheek* “Well you can’t say I didn’t try.”


(meanwhile, back to Lizzie in esthar…)

People of Esthar: “Boo!!!!!!!”

Lizzie: *comes back stage* “I don’t believe this! They hated me!!”

Kiros: “Maybe because you quoted the movie Evita word for word!!”

Lizzie: “Shut up, Ward!” *pause* “I mean Kiros!!” *to laguna* “They hated me!”

Laguna: *dabbing eyes* “And Ward hates me!”

Ward: *hits himself in the head*

Lizzie: “You know, I don’t think this was a good idea. We should get this annulled right away.”

Laguna: “Whatever you want, Suzita.”

Lizzie: *covers ears* “Ugh! Don’t call me that! And cancel the Rainbow tour!” *stomps out*

Kiros: “I’m so happy, Laguna!”

Laguna: *blinks* “….What about Ward?”

Kiros: “The who what now? …Oh, *that* Ward! Oh, he said somethin’.”

Ward: *sigh*


(meanwhile, irvine is lying on his bed, facing the ceiling. Katie walks in, grinning)

Katie: “Hi, honey! Guess what? We’re having triplets!”

Irvine: “Triplets?! But five minutes ago it was twins!”

Katie: *shrugs* “That’s the way babies work, Irvine.”

Irvine: “What?! Ugh.” *sad sigh* “I need some aspirin or something.”

(he gets up and goes into the bathroom. he opens a medicine cabinet, and something falls out. irvine picks it up and read it)

Irvine: *jaw drops* “Birth control pills?!?!?” *clenches fist* “Katie!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Katie: *comes in* “Tee hee! I think it’s quadruplets now!”

Irvine: *holds up pills* “*What*, pray tell, are *these?”

Katie: *sweat drops* “Um…vitamins?”

Irvine: “You LIED To me!! You can’t be pregnant! You take birth control pills!!”

Katie: “Um….I think my water broke!! I’m in labor!!”

Irvine: *stomps out* “We are SO getting an annulment.”

Katie: “The first one’s a boy!” *pause* “Irvine??” *frowns* “Oh….”


(meanwhile, back in the ramble room, lark, vincent, seph and tseng are sitting on the couch. hojo is still banging the floor with the hammer, and kuja is still putting on makeup)

Lark: “Hojo, you’re really bad at this whole banging thing.”

Kuja: “Tell me about it.”

Hojo: “Kuja! Zip those pretty little lips!”

(clattering and a blur of black)

Lark: “Ugh! This is the worst thing ever!! As soon as this is over we are getting an annulment! Both of us–or you–or whatever!”

Sephiroth: “But—“

Lark: *hisses and gets in his face* “DO YOU WANNA MESS WITH ME RIGHT NOW?!”

Sephiroth: *meekly* “No.”

Lark: “I didn’t THINK so!”

(then reeve comes in with some airline tickets)

Reeve: “I got ’em.”

Tseng: “Oh good!!”

Reeve: “Bermuda here we come.”

Vincent: “….You’re getting your annulment in Bermuda?”

Reeve: “Uh……yeah.”

(he takes tseng’s hand and kisses it, and then they leave the room while everyone watches open mouthed)

Lark: “How cute are they??”

Hojo: “Kuja, perhaps you and I can go to Bermuda when this is all over.”

Kuja: “Yes, and perhaps bats will peck your brains and feed it to some baby seals.”

Hojo: “What is everyone’s problem today?!”

(clattering and a black blur)

Lark: “Ack!!! There it is!!! Get it! Get it!!”

(hojo slams down the hammer, but it hits lark’s bare foot instead, really really hard)

Lark: “OW!” *grabs her foot and starts hopping around* “MY FOOT! That was my foot, you $#%^!”

Hojo: “That’s what you get for throwing your shoes at me.”

Sephiroth: “Are you okay, Lark?”

Lark: “It hurts a lot…” *looks at it* “Oh god, I think it’s broken.”

Sephiroth and Vincent: *stand* “I’ll take her to the hospital.” *glare*

Lark: “Ow, ow, ow!”

Vincent: *sighs* “You may take her, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “….Really?”

Vincent: “Yes. Go ahead.”

Sephiroth: “Thank you, Vincent.” *smiles at him* “Come on, Lark.” *picks her up* “I’ll take you to the hospital.” *kicks hojo* “FIND THAT THING!”

Hojo: “Ow! My bad back!”

(sephiroth and lark leave)

Kuja: *yelps* “Eep! Something licked me!!”

Hojo: “We must stop it before it’s too late!”

Vincent: “What *is* that thing?”

Hojo: “I don’t know!!!”

(then rufus enters, zell at his heels)


Zell: *holding the ‘guide to gay sex’* “What? I thought it might help.”

Rufus: “It’s *not* going to help!”

Hojo: “Ooh! Let me see that!”

Kuja: “Yes, please let him see it.”

Hojo: “Oh, hush! It wasn’t that bad!” *takes the book from zell*

Rufus: “Zell, we are getting this annulled. There’s no question about it.”

Zell: “But, dear–“

Rufus: *stamping foot with each word* “Stop-” *stamp* “Callin-!” *stamp* “Me-” *squish*

Zell: “Ew….you squished something.”

Vincent: “You got the creature.”

Rufus: *looks down and lifts his foot* “Ew…” *puts foot down* “My Gucci loafers…”

Kuja: “Hojo, the thing has been successfully stopped. We can return now.”

Hojo: *reading the book* “Uh-huh….”

Kuja: “Give me that.” *grabs the book and drags him out*

Rufus: “Who wants to clean my shoe?” *points to vincent* “You?”

Vincent: “No.”

Rufus: “Grr…” *looks at zell* “This is what I’m going to do to you if we don’t get an annulment.”

Zell: *sweat drops* “I’ll go call a lawyer right now!” *runs out*

Rufus: *grins* “All my problems are solved.”

Vincent: “You still have a dead carcass stuck to your shoe.”

Rufus: “Aw, crap.”


(meanwhile, back in loser land…hojo and kuja come back in. nida and scarlet are still staring at the tv. heidegger is passed out on the floor)

Hojo: “What happened to him?”

Scarlet: *shrugs* “Eh.”

Nida: “Did you do good? Can we go hang out in the ramble room?”

Kuja: “Perhaps you ought to ask Lark herself once she gets her broken foot repaired.”

Scarlet: “You moron!!”

Nida: “Now we’re *never* going to get to hang out in the ramble room!”

Hojo: “On the plus side, I picked up some good reading!” *holds up book*

Nida: *covers eyes* “My virgin eyes!”

Scarlet: *sigh* “Looks like we’re stuck here for awhile.”

Heidegger: *still passed out* “Gya.”

Scarlet: “Damn. He’s still breathing.”

Nida: *holds out hand* “Ha ha! You owe me ten gil!”

Hojo: “Ooh.” *shows kuja the book* “Look at that.”

Kuja: “I don’t want to look.”

Scarlet: “Hey, Hojo. Maybe next time you won’t screw up.”

Kuja: “Oh, I’m sure he still will.”

Scarlet: “I wasn’t talking about *that*.”

Nida: *covers ears* “My virgin ears!”


(meanwhile, lark and sephiroth are at the hospital. she’s sitting on the bed thing in a waiting room, and sephiroth is sitting at the end of it, holding her foot)

Lark: *tears in her eyes* “That stupid Hojo.” *sniff* “It hurts so much.”

Sephiroth: *kisses her ankle* “Don’t worry, Lark. You’ll be fine. And I’ll make sure Hojo isn’t.” *sigh* “This is all my fault.”

Lark: “No it’s not… You were just trying to get my attention. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine for being mean.”

Sephiroth: “No, it’s mine for being a jerk.”

Lark: “Look, it doesn’t matter. What’s important is that you and Vincent are friends again, and this is all going to end with no marriages.”

(a doctor comes in. he’s a good looking guy with long spikyish black hair. he’s got a very nice wedding band on his finger)

Doctor: “Hey, there. I’m Doctor Zack. What do we have here? A broken foot?”

Lark: “Yeah…it got hit with a hammer.”

Doctor Zack: *looks at sephiroth* “And you would be….?”

Sephiroth: “Uh…I’m…uh…um…”

Lark: “He’s my husband.”

Sephiroth: *looks at her in shock* “Uh….yeah.”

Doctor Zack: “Oh, well this won’t take too long. We’ll just put that foot of yours in a cast, and it’ll be good to go.”

Lark: “Thanks, Doctor. By the way, that’s a *really* nice wedding ring you have.”

Doctor Zack: “Thanks. But to tell you the truth, I have no idea who I married. I went to Vegas and got a little drunk. All I remember is that he was a good looking blonde guy…spiky hair…his name had something to do with the sky.”

Lark and Sephiroth: *look at one another wide eyed* “…..Nah.”

(so lark gets her cast put on her foot, and they wave good-bye to doctor zack as sephiroth carries her out of the hospital and into the ramble complex. they’re walking through the halls…)

Sephiroth: “Does it still hurt?”

Lark: “A lot less, thanks. I should be okay. The doctor says I just have to stay off it for awhile.”

Sephiroth: “Hey, Lark…uh…why did you tell him I was your husband?”

Lark: “It was just easier that way. Besides…you are. …For now.”

Sephiroth: “……You really want to go through with this, don’t you?”

Lark: *nods* “If I ever marry, I don’t want to be drunk. That’s not the memory I want to tell everyone.”

Sephiroth: *nods* “I understand. And I’ll respect your wish, even if I….”

(they go into lark’s room, and sephiroth gently places her down. then he puts a pillow under her foot)

Sephiroth: “How’s that? Comfortable?”

Lark: “I’d be more comfortable with you next to me.” *pats the spot next to her*

Sephiroth: *sits next to her* “Better?”

Lark: “Hug.”

Sephiroth: *puts his arms around her*

Lark: “So…everyone is un-married.”

Sephiroth: “Except Cloud and that doctor.”

Lark: *giggles* “And Reeve and Tseng.”

Sephiroth: “Haha! Yeah, and us.”

Lark: “Yup. We got one more night as a married couple.” *snuggles up to him* “You know, maybe this anniversary wasn’t so bad after all.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, it wasn’t.”

Lark: *looks up at him* “Sephiroth…”

Sephiroth: *looks down at her* “What?”

Lark: *whispers* “….Kiss me?”

(and he does. and they are kissing pretty heavily when there’s a knock at the door)

Zidane’s voice: “LARK! Are you un-married yet?”

Sephiroth: *breaks away* “NO! GET LOST!!”

Zidane’s voice: “Oh man. This sucks.”

Sephiroth: *looks back at her* “Now…where were we?”

Lark: *yawns* “I was falling asleep.”

Sephiroth: *buries his head in her hair and whispers* “I love you, Lark.”

Lark: *snores lightly*

Sephiroth: “And maybe someday you’ll know that.”


This entry was posted in The Golden Era and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s