#75 – The Stepford Ramble Chicks

Ashley: *shocked expression* “Oh my! But Seifer, we’re not married!”

Originally Published: 2/21/01 . 38 pages

Synopsis
Hojo gives the girls a potion that makes them act like perfect housewives – and the guy’s aren’t liking it!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I didn’t write this one. But the wackiness of this one is still funny.

(In loser land, Scarlet is on the internet, nida is looking through old Garden yearbooks, heidegger is in the closet *why they have a walk in closet is beyond me*, kuja is admiring himself in a hand mirror and Hojo is mixing some suspicious looking fluid in test tubes…)

Scarlet: “How old am I? 19…” *types it in*

Nida: “Yeah right, ho!! You’re like, 50!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, you reject! At least I don’t still play with blocks!”

Heidegger: *from the closet* “Gya haa haa! Blocks are fun!”

Kuja: *looking into the mirror* “I’m so pretty…”

Hojo: *dreamily* “Just like a little goat…”

Nida: “What was that?”

Hojo: *coughs* “Nothing! Now be quiet! I’m trying to work!”

Nida: *flipping through the yearbook* “Best limit break…Squall *growls*….best smile….Squall?! How did they find out he smiles?!?! Best dressed… Seifer! I wear a coat too, why didn’t I get it?!  Most personality…Selphie. Well, at least it wasn’t Squall…”

Kuja: *flips hair back* “I make the word “pretty” into a sentence all it’s own…”

Scarlet: *gives Kuja a weird look* “Yeah… heh heh…this 15 year old boy wants to meet me…sure ya can, hon…just bring some whipped cream…hehe heh..”

Hojo: “15 year old? Boy? Can I come?”

All except Hojo: *shivers*

Heidegger: *from the closet* “Gya haa haa!! Who wants to see my snappy new outfit?!”

Scarlet: “If it’s a thong, you can just stay in there.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! No! I borrowed some of your underwear, Scarlet! I needed something that wouldn’t show seams!”

Scarlet: *makes a soft gagging noise* “You can keep the underwear, freak! But you’re not borrowing the medication for my herpes!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I don’t need any, I have my own! I’m coming out now!”

(heidegger emerges from the closet in a bright orange disco suit. Like the kind of thing you would see on “Disco Fever” or some equally horrific trip in the way back machine)

Kuja: “Oh, God, my eyes!!” *in his feeble attempts at blocking the violent orange glare, he drops the mirror, which shatters on the floor*

Scarlet: “You clumsy ass! I’m not cleaning that up!! Make Nida do it! He has to be good for *something*!”

Nida: “Bite me, whore!”

Scarlet: *snorts* “You wish.”

Hojo: “Will you all shut up?! I’m trying to make something to fix those morons in the ramble room for good!!”

(As if on cue, they all rush over and crowd around Hojo)

Scarlet: “What’s that crap gonna do?”

Nida: *squints at the fluid* “Looks like lip gloss…”

Kuja: “What? Make up? Where?!”

Hojo: “Relax, my sweet. It’s not for you, it’s for those whorish ramble girls. Now go look at your reflection.”

Kuja: *frowns* “I can’t…my mirror broke…” *looks longingly into the shards*

Heidegger: *admiring his snappy new suit* “Gya haa haa! This toaster is really shiny!”

Kuja: *covers his eyes as he pushes heidegger out of the way* “Let me see, fool!  My beauty far surpasses yours!”

Hojo: *sighs* “It certainly does…anyway, this is lip gloss that has a special ingredient…*evil chuckle*”

Scarlet: *frowns* “I hope it isn’t estrogen, because those girls don’t need any more than they already got. Stupid bitches…and me having to take those pills….”

Nida: “Ew, that’s gross!”

Scarlet: “I know what kind of pills *you* have to take, Nida, so I wouldn’t talk if I were you.”

Nida: *gulps*

Hojo: *rubs his temples* “Silence! There’s nothing like that in this stuff. It’s a special kind of formula that I’ve developed. Why do you think the ramble room is so crowded?”

Nida: “Because Lark’s too cheap to get an extension?”

Scarlet: “Because idiots travel in packs?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Because the carpet is good for tiddly winks?”

Kuja: *staring into the toaster* “Because one entire wall is covered in mirrors?”

Hojo: “No! Because of all the pretty boys in there!!! And why are they in there?”

Nida: *frowns* “Because they’re all friends with Squall…”

Scarlet: “Because they like to have homosexual orgies?”

Hojo: *gets glossy eyed and smiles*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Because they’ve got disco fever!” *strikes a pose in his heinous outfit*

Kuja: *still staring* “Hey, this toaster *is* really shiny…”

Hojo: “You’re all wrong!! Except for Kuja, who is never wrong, but is eternally beautiful…*sighs* The guys are all in there because of the *ramble chicks*!!”

All: “Ooooooohhhh!”

Hojo: “Now our problem is this, how do we get rid of the ramble girls and then get rid of the other jerks in there? What is it about those girls that is so appealing?”

Kuja: *turns in front of the toaster* “They apply makeup well.”

Hojo: “Before I get any more ridiculous answers just let me say it. It’s because they’re skanky.”

Scarlet: “That’s the only way I’ll ever have any respect for them.”

Hojo: “Riiiiiight…anyway, if they put this on their girly little lips, a disaster beyond their imaginations will occur!!! *evil laughter*”

Nida: “And how are we supposed to get them to wear it?”

(all stand in silence for a while)

Hojo: “Kuja, would you like to see those mirrored walls?”

Kuja: “I most certainly would!”

Hojo: “Excellent…then you shall go into the ramble room and plant this little pot of lip gloss on their table! And while you are in there go look at yourself.”

Kuja: “With pleasure!” *Grabs the pot and runs out*

Hojo: *maniacal laughter*


(Meanwhile, in the ramble room… All the ramble girls are just sitting around, being…ramble girls. It’s shell, lark, Noelle, Ashley, lizzie and katie…)

Katie: “…Did you guys ever wonder why they put that little cotton ball in bottles of vitamins?”

(all the girls stare at her blankly)

Katie: *sweat drops* “Guess not…”

Shell: “I sent Rude out to buy me things, but I didn’t think it would take this long….”

Lark: “I haven’t seen a lot of the guys around. I’m starting to get bored…”

Lizzie: “This blows.”

Ashley: *absently* “…I think it’s to keep them from moving around and breaking.”

(all of the girls stare at Ashley)

Shell: “What the hell are you talking about??”

Ashley: *embarrassed* “The vitamins…”

Katie: “Oh, thanks!”

(all the other girls roll their eyes)

Lark: “Anyway… maybe we should go look for them…”

Lizzie: “Wouldn’t that require getting up?”

Lark: “Good point. Forget I said anything.”

Noelle: “Already forgotten. Lark, why does the ramble room have to suck so bad without the guys around?!”

Lark: *shrugs*

Shell: “Meh. I’m getting out of here. He better get me platinum.”

(he leaves)

Noelle: “I wonder where Cloud is…”

(she leaves)

Lizzie: “I’m gonna go shop for leather.”

(she leaves as well)

Katie: “…I’m gonna go take a vitamin.”

(she toddles away)

Lark: “I’m gonna go find something stimulating to do.” *starts to leave* “…wait, the guys aren’t around…*frowns* damn…”

(she leaves)

Ashley: *frowns* “My lips are dry…”

(she also leaves. A few minutes later, Kuja enters the room cautiously. He walks across to the table and smiles as he puts down the lip gloss. Then he promenades over to the mirrored wall and prances in front of it for a few minutes, until he hears voices approaching. He quickly scurries out of the room. Shell and Rude enter…)

Shell: *yammering at poor Rude, who is piled high with boxes from expensive stores* “-and another thing!! *grabs a box and opens it up, pulling out a fur coat* What is this?!”

Rude: “It’s moose fur, Shell…”

Shell: “Moose fur? Moose fur?! I hate mooses!!! Look at this! You couldn’t have just gotten me mink, like a normal boyfriend?!”

Rude: “Normal boyfriends don’t get their girls fur coats at all, Shell…”

Shell: “Don’t interrupt! Look at this pelt! This must have come from the moosiest moose in the world!! You make me soooo……..chapped!”

(in her fury she picks up the lip gloss and puts it on)

Shell: “…why does this make my lips tingle? Never mind! And as for the jewelry, I’m not happy, Rude! Go out and buy me better things!!”

Rude: *sighs* “Yes, Shell…”

(she leaves, and rude follows her out the door, his head hanging in shame. then Katie enters with Ashley…*

Ashley: “You see, Katie, honey? I told you not to lick that block of salt. It’s for deer and *only* deer.”

Katie: *teary eyed and lips pressed together* “I hate you…”

Ashley: “Whatever. *spots the lip gloss* Here, try this. It might help get your lips apart…”

(she hands Katie the lip gloss, who applies it generously and then licks her lips)

Katie: “Hey, this stuff isn’t half bad…kinda fruity. Try it.” *hands Ashley the container*

Ashley: *hesitantly takes a little* “Hope this doesn’t belong to crack whore…I don’t want her diseases…”

(she puts it on)

Katie: “Come on, I want something to drink…”*frowns and drags Ashley out of the room*

(Noelle enters a few minutes later, twitching a little)

Noelle: “Must not drink, must not drink, must not drink, must find something to get my mind off of alcohol…*spots the lip gloss* That’ll do!” *she grabs it and smears it on* “Oh, it tastes like a Margarita!” *she proceeds to apply several more layers and then leaves the room*

(Lark finally enters looking for any kind of male company. Finding none present, she walks over to the table and picks up the lip gloss…)

Lark: *reading the little pot* “ ‘WEAR ME’… well that doesn’t sound suspicious in the least! *she opens the jar and sniffs it* Hmmm…smells ok…I hope this isn’t like, lubricant or something…” *and with that choice comment she puts it on*

(she leaves the room. By now the jar is almost empty.)


LATER THAT SAME DAY…

(Rude returns to the ramble room. He’s carrying several new boxes. He looks up and down the halls for shell, but can’t seem to find her…)

Rude: “…Shell?”

Shell: *in the ramble room* “I’m in here, dear!”

Rude: *weird face* “Dear?…”

(He enters the ramble room and drops everything that he was carrying. There is shell, wearing a fluffy house dress, complete with apron and heels, dusting furniture, surrounded by various cleaning stuff…)

Shell: *fake smile* “Welcome back, honey! I was oh so sad with you away!”

(she runs over to him and hugs him)

Rude: *pales* “Shell, what are you doing?”

Shell: *girly laughter* “Oh you silly! Where did you go? I was so lonely wonely without you!!”

Rude: *is visibly frightened* “I…went out and bought you a mink coat…”

Shell: *gasps* “Oh, you dear, sweet thing! That must have cost you a fortune! I can’t take it! I know you need the money! You shouldn’t spoil me so!”

Rude: *wobbles a little* “I…think I’m going to pass out…”

Shell: “Oh no!!! Quick, sit down and I’ll get you some ice water!”

(shell helps a very frightened rude over to the freshly fluffed couch and sits next to him)

Rude: *recovers and grabs her by the shoulders* “Shell, what have you been doing while I was gone?”

Shell: *fake smile* “I told you already, silly! I cleaned! And look, I vacuumed in pearls!” *indicates the strand of pearls around her neck*

Rude: “Where did you get the pearls, Shell?”

Shell: *looks away shamefully* “…I used your credit card.”

Rude: *relieved sigh* “You’re not completely gone yet… I have to help you somehow…”

Shell: *giggles* “Whatever do you mean, Rude? *eyes become glossy* I love my work.”

Rude: *whimpers a little and shakes her* “Quickly, we have to find the other girls! Where are they, Shell?!”

Shell: “Why, I think they’re all doing their chores…whatever is the matter, dear?”

Rude: *lets go of her* “Something is very wrong here…”

Shell: *blank stare* “…Can I keep the pearls?”

Rude: *sighs*


MEANWHILE…

(Reno is wandering around outside and walks around the back of the ramble room. He spots Noelle doing something and decides to go over and harass her…)

Reno: *saunters over* “Hiya, Noelle. *grins* Whatcha up to, sexy?”

(then he realizes that Noelle is wearing a frilly yellow house dress with an apron and heels…)

Noelle: *turns to him and smiles sweetly* “I’m hanging up your freshly washed laundry to dry in the noon air!”

Reno: *mouth opens, but nothing comes out*

Noelle: “I saw all of your clothes lying around and I thought, ‘wouldn’t it be nice if they didn’t smell like gin?’” *fake smile*

Reno: “ I… are you kidding me? *suspicious glares* You didn’t soak them in itching powder or something, did you?”

Noelle: *burst into peals of laughter* “Oh, heavens no! Why would I ever do anything like that, pooky?!”

Reno: *as the color drains from his face* “You…you mean you aren’t mad at me anymore?”

Noelle: *cocks head* “Mad? Why would I be mad?”

Reno: *getting angry* “This isn’t funny, Noelle! I’ll snap you out of it!!”

(he grabs her and kisses her passionately. Finally he lets go of her…)

Reno: *out of breath* “Just like the good old days, huh?” *cocky grin*

Noelle: *frazzled, fixes her hair* “Oh my goodness! *blushes* Now, Reno, I have work to do, besides, you shouldn’t kiss me like that in public! People will start to talk! *picks up the laundry basket and heads inside* I’ll see you later, dear!”

(she goes into the building)

Reno: *blinks* “….What the @#$% was that?!”


A LITTLE LATER…

(Seifer walks into his room and stops dead in his tracks. Ashley is there, and that’s not so strange in itself, except for the fact that she is wearing a fluffy pink house dress with heels and an apron, much like shell…she’s finishing making seifer’s bed…)

Seifer: “…Ashley? What are you doing?”

Ashley: *jumps at the sound of his voice* “Oh! You scared me! I was just straightening your room for you! *fake smile* I hope you don’t mind.”

Seifer: *gives her a weird look* “No…why did you make the bed?”

Ashley: *looks at the alarm clock* “…Because it’s 3 in the afternoon?”

Seifer: “Yeah…what’s the point in making the bed if we’re just going to undo it?” *leers*

Ashley: *confused look* “Seifer, whatever do you mean?”

Seifer: *walks over to her and grins* “Come on, don’t tease…”

Ashley: *sweat drops* “Huh? Tease? What are you trying to say, dear?”

Seifer: *unties her apron* “You know what I want…”

Ashley: *fake smile* “Oh! You like my apron? It’s linen! I ironed it today!”

Seifer: *gives her a weird look* “No, not the apron…*pushes her onto the freshly made bed* I want you…”

Ashley: *shocked expression* “Oh my! But Seifer, we’re not married!”

Seifer: *laughs* “Oh, that’s a good one, Ashley! But seriously, why don’t you stay here for a little while…”*tries to kiss her*

Ashley: *rolls away and stands up, fixing her hair* “Oh you silly thing you! You know how I am!”

Seifer: “Yes, I do. So why aren’t you still on the bed?”

Ashley: *lighthearted laughter* “No ding ding without a wedding ring! I have chores to finish now! Toodles!”  *she flounces out of the room*

Seifer: *blinks* “That was *not* Ashley…”


IN SEPHYS ROOM…

(sephiroth is sitting on his bed reading How to Become One With the Planet in 10 Days or Less. Suddenly, Lark enters. Sephy doesn’t look up.)

Sephiroth: “What do you want, woman?”

Lark: *giggles* “I just wanted to see if you needed anything, sweetie!”

Sephiroth: “Huh?” *looks up and the book falls to the floor*

(You guessed it. Lark is in a fluffy red housedress with an apron and heels. She’s carrying a feather duster)

Lark: *fake smile* “Hello, darling! Would you like me to turn down your sheets? Fluff your pillow? Get you something to drink?”

Sephiroth: *sits up* “Lark, are you feeling ok? You aren’t sick again, are you?”

Lark: *laughs* “Oh no! I took my castor oil today!”

Sephiroth: *makes a face* “Ew…well then what is it? You don’t usually act so….”

Lark: *cocks head* “So?”

Sephiroth: “…Katie-ish.”

Lark: “Speaking of the lamb, I wonder where she could be…”

Sephiroth: “Eh.”

Lark: “Anyway, are you sure you don’t require anything? Anything at all! You say it, and it’s yours!” *smiles*

Sephiroth: *sits up with a start* “What do you mean ‘anything’?”

Lark: *confused expression* “Anything…you know…whatever you want from me…”

Sephiroth’s bad thoughts: “!@#$%^*&@$%$#%$@#@&*&^….”

Sephiroth’s good thoughts: “…This is probably the wrong thing to do…”

Sephiroth’s bad thoughts: “…so?”

Sephiroth’s good thoughts: “…good point. Go for it!!!”

Sephiroth: “Anything I want…huh?” *stands up and walks over to her*

Lark: *ditzy grin* “Yes! Anything!”

Sephiroth: “….even this?” *he grabs her and kisses her…and kisses her…and kisses her…and kisses her….*

Lark: *breaks away, frazzled* “Uh, sure…why not….” *she jumps into his arms and falls backwards onto the bed with him*


MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE “CLEAN” WORLD…

(Irvine and Rufus are sitting in the deserted ramble room. They look kinda bored…)

Irvine: “I wonder where all the girls are. I haven’t seen anyone all day.”

Rufus: “You wanna know what I think they’re all doing?”

Irvine: “Not rea—“

Rufus: *cuts him off* “Lark is making out with Zidane, Shell is using Rude’s credit card, Noelle is beating up Reno, Ashley is being bothered by Seifer, Susie is being angry and surly and Katie is—“

(as if on cue, Katie enters. Only it isn’t what you think I’m going to say…not at all…)

Katie: *wearing a miniskirt, tube top and stilettos* “Hello there, boys.” *sexy grin*

Irvine and Rufus: *jaws drop*

Irvine: “I-is that you, cowgirl?”

Katie: *winks* “The one and only.”

Rufus: “Oh my God….you are HOT!!!!”

Katie: “Tell me about it…stud.” *cue the music from Grease*

Irvine: “It’s electrifying!!!”

Katie: “You better shape up, cuz I need a man.”

Rufus: “Stop quoting from that movie!”

Katie: “Hey, you really need to calm down….” *saunters over and sits in his lap*

Rufus: *gulp*

Irvine: “Hey hey, little lady! Can I get some of that?!”

Katie: “Of course you can, I’ll show you boys what a dancer can do… *wink*”

Irvine: “Woo hoo!” *he runs over to where Katie and Rufus are*

Rufus: *pushes Katie off and jumps up* “Uh-uh! No way am I having a threesome with another guy! Never!!!” *runs out*

Katie: *shrugs* “His loss.”

Irvine: “You bet!”

(they start going at it)


BACK WITH RUDE AND SHELL…

(Rude is walking down the hallways with shell skipping alongside him. They’re looking for the ramble girls…)

Shell: *skipping and frolicking*

Rude: “…Shell?”

Shell: “Tee hee! Yes, Rude?”

Rude: “Could you stop skipping? It’s kinda freaking me out…”

Shell: *frowns* “Oh…sorry….” *she stops and walks*

Rude: *sigh of relief* “Where could they be….”

(they go past sephy’s room and suddenly notice “suspicious” noises coming from behind the door…)

???: “OH YES! DON’T STOP!!!!”

Shell and Rude: *lots of sweat drops*

Shell: “What was that noise, Rude?!”

Rude: “I really don’t want to know, but…”

(he knocks on the door)

???: “GO THE HELL AWAY, I’M BUSY!!!!”

Rude: *sweat drops* “Sephiroth, is that you?”

Sephiroth: “NO IT’S THE FREAKIN’ TOOTH FAIRY!!!!”

Shell: *excited squeals* “OOOHHHH!!! I LOVE THE TOOTH FAIRY!!!!”

Rude: “No, Shell, don’t!!!!”

(without another word, Shell flings the door open and skips merrily inside, where she surveys the room and passes out)

Rude: “Oh dear sweet god….”

Sephiroth: *sweat drops*

Lark: “Tee hee! HI!” *dippy grin*

Rude: *passes out*

Lark: “Oh dear!” *jumps up*

Sephiroth: “Hey, wait, where are you going?! We’re not done yet!”

Lark: “But I have to get these two some ice water!”

Sephiroth: “Again with the ice water?”

Lark: “tee hee! *puts her clothes back on* Gotta go, bye!!!!”

(she skips out, dragging rude and shell behind her)

Sephiroth: “…dammit!!!”


MEANWHILE…WITH Lizzie…

(Lizzie went to the local department stores, and found quite a bit of nice leather. She got a little hungry, so on her way home, she decided to stop at the grocery store to get something quick for dinner….)

Lizzie: *looking on the shelves* “Chef Boyardee? What the hell is all this sh*t in a can?! Give me some steak, I need protein!!!”

(she snorts and continues down the isle, when she realizes that she is being blocked by someone’s cart…)

Lizzie: *impatiently taps the young woman in the frilly dress and flower hat on the shoulder* “Excuse me, Sally Homemaker! Would you mind terribly hauling your cookie baking ass outta my way?!”

Young woman: “Oh, excuse me, Miss! I’m sorry I was in your way!”

Lizzie: “Yeah, you damn well better be, I oughta—“

(she freezes when the young woman turns around…)

Ashley: “Oh, hi Lizzie! Tee hee! I didn’t recognize your angry, surly voice!”

Lizzie: “A-Ashley? Why are you dressed like that???”

Ashley: *turns in her frilly Sunday dress* “Do you like it? I pressed it today because I knew I had to go out!”

Lizzie: *makes a face* “To the supermarket?”

Ashley: *giggles* “Of course! We ladies have to look our best for the Penny Social today, don’t we?”

Lark and Noelle: *from another isle* “Yes, of course! We love Penny Socials…”

Lizzie: *really scared* “Ha ha…that’s really funny, guys, but you can cut it out now, ok?”

Ashley: *gets glossy eyed* “Cut what out?”

(Lark and Noelle walk into the isle and block off susie’s escape paths)

Lark: *puts a hand on Lizzie’s shoulder* “Join us, Lizzie…”

Noelle: “Yes, join us, it will be ever so much fun…”

Lizzie: *whimpers and tries to escape lark’s grasp, but it doesn’t work* “Who are you?! What have you done to my ramble chicks?!”

Ashley: *smiles and giggles* “We are the ramble chicks! Here, try some of this, it will make you feel better…” *holds out the lip gloss*

Lizzie: “Is that what did this to you? Give it to me!!” *tries to grab the pot from Ashley, and a struggle follows. Lizzie tears Ashley’s dress*

Noelle: *gasps* “Lizzie dear! That was terrible!”

Lark: *frowns* “I thought you were our friend.”

Ashley: *straightens herself and holds the torn sleeve of her dress as she smiles* “It’s alright, we just have to make her better…like us.”

Lizzie: “What the @#$%!!!???? No way, I’m outta here!!”

(she goes to jump over the carts blocking her path, but is dragged down by Noelle)

Noelle: “Come now, Lizzie, don’t be so difficult!”

Lizzie: “Let me go, you floor sweeping, servile tart!” *she elbows Noelle in the stomach and jumps up*

Ashley: *slaps Lizzie* “Didn’t your mother tell you to play nice with your friends?”

Lizzie: *blinks and runs away*

Lark: “Why ever did you let her get away, Ashley?”

Ashley: *smiles* “Oh, she didn’t…”

Noelle: *lighthearted laughter* “Oh, Ashley! That was wicked of you!”

Ashley: *giggles* “It wasn’t! Now let’s finish our shopping, I have to get home and change before the Penny Social! Besides, by then I think Lizzie will have changed her mind.”

(they continue on their way. Outside the store, lizzie has raced to her car and is now on her way back to the ramble room. She touches her cheek and feels where Ashley slapped her, and gasps. She looks in her rearview mirror and wipes some gloss off her lip)

Lizzie: “Crap!!! Oh my goodness! Barbara has a new album out!!!” *she swerves in to the Camelot parking lot*


BACK AT THE RAMBLE ROOM…

(Rude has assembled shell, Katie, reno, irvine, rufus, sephiroth, rufus, vincent and seifer in the ramble room. Katie and shell are tied to chairs)

Shell: “Tee hee! Why are we tied up?”

Katie: “It’s a turn on…I love S&M…”

Irvine: “Aw, can’t we turn ‘em loose? I wouldn’t mind roundin’ up that cow girl again…*winks*”

Katie: *purrs*

Rude: “We tied them up becusae they could be dangerous, Irvine…”

Shell: *confused expression* “Dangerous? Where are the other girls?” *looks around innocently*

Seifer: “Ashley said they had “chores” to do. It was way freaky.”

Sephiroth: “We probably could have caught them before they left if Baldy over there wasn’t such a fruit. Honestly, it’s like you never watched porn before.”

Shell: *squeals in horror*

Rufus: “He has too! I know, I get the cable bill when they stay at hotels…” *frowns*

Shell: *goes pale* “I think I’m going to faint!!”

Rude: *fans shell* “Enough about that! We have to figure out what caused the girls to act this way and how to change them back.”

Vincent: “I believe if we questioned the people that we all abhor, we may just get an answer.”

Reno: “I’m in no hurry to change them all back. Katie’s a ‘ho—“

Katie: “You know it baby…”

Reno: “—and Noelle doesn’t want to castrate me! It’s great! I plan on having my way with her when she gets back, so if you wouldn’t mind waiting on that “cure” thing…”

Rufus: “Shut up, Reno.”

Sephiroth: “I could make him very quiet for an extended period of time, if you’d like…”

Vincent: “Lets not resort to violence yet. Our main concern is getting all the girls together.”

Irvine: *grins* “Well, yee haw! I’m up for some of that!!”

Seifer: “That’s not what he meant, although I wouldn’t really mind—“

Rude: “Oh shut up. Just go out there and track down the missing ramble girls, all right?

Reno: “you know, buddy, I hate to say it, but…do you really want to do that?”

Rude: “Huh?”

Irvine: “Well, I think what Reno’s trying to say is…your girl is a raging bitch when she’s “being herself”…”

Rude: “!!!”

Seifer: “I kinda have to agree…”

Sephiroth: “Kinda?! If someone ever treated me the way Shell treats you, they would have a date with the masamune.”

Rufus: “You would be better off getting a mail order bride. You like them a lot better when they don’t speak english.”

All guys: *give rufus a strange look*

Rufus: *sweat drops* “N-not like I would know or anything!”

Guys: “Riiiiight….”

Rude: “Hey, I like Shell just the way she is, thank you very much! Worry about your own girls! Now get moving! Sephiroth and Vincent, you look for Lark, Seifer, you get Ashley, Irvine, you help Seifer, they might put up fights. Reno, you and Rufus go after Noelle. I’ll stay here and keep an eye on these two.”

Guys: *blink*

Reno: “Buddy, I think that’s the most you ever said in all the time I’ve known you…”

Sephiroth: “Come on, we better go get the girls.”

Vincent: “Come, angel, we’ll leave now.”

Sephiroth: *twitches and he and vincent leave*

Irvine: “Yee haw!! Let’s go rustle us a rouge ramble girl!”

Seifer: *growls* “Just keep your paws to yourself, cowboy geek, or I’ll skin your man whore hide!”

*they leave*

Reno: “You just stay here, Rufus, I’ll take care of Noelle…*snickers*”

Rufus: “…Ok.”

(so reno goes to find Noelle and rufus goes off to do god knows what, leaving rude with shell and Katie…)

Katie: *looks rude up and down* “I’m digging the no hair look…”

Shell: “Katie!”

Katie: “Oh, get over it, tart.”

Shell: “Oh!” *pouts*

Rude: “…this isn’t going to be fun.”


MEANWHILE, WITH SEPHIROTH AND VINCENT…

(they are stalking around the ramble building looking very suspicious…)

Vincent: “Do you see anyone?”

Sephiroth: “No…”

(they lean around a corner and look around nervously)

???: “HI! Whatcha doing, Sephy?”

(sephy and vincent fall over and look up)

Sephiroth: “Lark!?”

Lark: “Tee hee! Yup! What are you looking for?”

Vincent: *looks at sephy* “Actually, what we were looking for was…”

Sephiroth: “My contact! I dropped my contact!”

Lark: “Oh my, I’ll help you look for it!”

(she kneels on the grass and helps look for “the contact”)

Vincent: *stands up, and picks up a stick* “I’m sorry, Lark!”

(he whacks her over the head with the stick, and she falls to the ground with a soft cry)

Sephiroth: *jumps up and grabs the stick* “Hey! What the hell did you do that for?! We were supposed to capture her! Not give her a freakin’ concussion!”

Vincent: *points at lark’s unconscious form*

(sephiroth looks down and sees the big pair of scissors in larks hands. He pales.)

Sephiroth: “You don’t really think she…”

Vincent: *nods*

Sephiroth: “She was going to cut my hair??!!!”

Vincent: *sweat drops* “Er, well that’s not exactly-“

Sephiroth: *gulp* “Lets just get her to the ramble room…”

(they pick up lark and head into the building)


WITH SEIFER AND IRVINE…

(they’re stalking through the halls of the ramble building when they hear noises coming from Ashley’s room…)

Irvine: *softly, but excitedly* “Well, yee haw! Looking for not even ten minutes and already we found one!”

Seifer: “Shut *up* cowboy geek! We have to surprise her.”

Irvine: *grins* “Let me take care of it…heh heh…” *he creeps towards the door*

Seifer: *grabs his coat collar* “I don’t think so! I’ll take care of this…”

(he and irvine slowly edge towards the door and seifer opens it cautiously)

Seifer: *looks around the room* “Ashley…?”

Irvine: *pushes Seifer in and follows him* “Well where is that little filly?”

Seifer: “I don’t know, I could have sworn I heard something in here…”

(they move around the room carefully looking for any sign of a ramble chick…)

Irvine: “You know, usually it don’t take so much effort for me to find a woman.”

Seifer: *rolls eyes* “You know, Irvine, if I didn’t know that Ashley would hurt me for making a mess in her room, I would kill you right now.”

Irvine: “Hmph…”

(Irvine walks around the bed and trips, falling not gracefully to the floor)

Irvine: “Oof!!!”

(thud)

Seifer: *puts his hand to his head* “So much for surprise…”

Irvine: *sits up and grins* “Oh, I wouldn’t say that just yet, partner! Lookie what I just stumbled upon!”

Seifer: *walks over* “What now?”

(seifer walks over to where irvine is on the floor and looks down)

Seifer: *looks at Ashley’s still form on the floor next to the bed and Irvine grinning proudly next to her* “Hey, you’re good for something after all, Irvine.”

Irvine: “Wonder what happened to her, she looks right tuckered out, and what’s this stuff?”

(he takes the lip gloss out of Ashley’s hand)

Seifer: “I don’t know, let’s just take her to the ramble room, and take that stuff too.”

(seifer picks Ashley up)

Irvine: “hey, Seifer, why don’t I take the little lady and you can carry this stuff…”

Seifer: “No.” *he starts to leave with Ashley in his arms*

Irvine: *garden snap*

(they both leave the room)


BACK AT THE RAMBLE ROOM…

(Reno hasn’t returned with Noelle yet, and rufus is long gone, but we do have Ashley unconcious on the couch, her head in seifer’s lap, Katie and shell are still tied up and lark has also been bound to a chair, she is now awake. Rude, Vincent and sephy look on nervously as irvine tries to get information out of her…)

Irvine: *edges nervously towards Lark* “Now Lark, why don’t you just tell me where Noelle is, and we can get you fixed up right proper like. You do want to be untied, don’t you?”

Katie: “I don’t…”

Shell: *makes a face* “That’s icky!”

Lark: “I don’t know where Noelle is. The last thing I remember is shopping with Ashley and her.”

Sephiroth: *quietly to vincent* “Good, she doesn’t remember that we assaulted her…”

Vincent: *nods head*

Irvine: “so you really don’t know where Noelle is? Are you sure you don’t remember anything else? Think real hard now.”

Lark: *concentrates* “Well, I do remember a big stick and-“

Sephiroth: *cutting her off* “Well, she doesn’t know where Noelle is, so lets go out and find her!”

All: *strange looks at sephy*

Sephiroth: *sweat drops* “Eh-heh…”

Rude: “…Ok then… Sephiroth, why don’t you and Vincent go out and help Reno and Rufus look for her.”

Sephiroth: “No problem!” *grabs Vincent’s arm and runs put of the room*

Irvine: “Well they were acting right strange…”

Lark: “Um, excuse me, but could you untie me now…I can’t feel my right arm anymore and my feet are starting to tingle…” *sweat drops*

Irvine and Rude: “No.”

Lark: *hangs head* “Ooohh…”

(suddenly, Ashley stirs…)

Seifer: “Ashley? Are you awake?”

Ashley: *puts her hand to her forehead and snaps at him* “Yes, I’m freakin’ awake! Why do I feel like I was hit by a goddamn bus?!”

(Irvine, rude and seifer grin at eachother)

Seifer: “Now that’s Ashley!” *he helps her sit up*

Ashley: *looks at the housedress and screams* “WHAT THE @#$%??!! I LOOK LIKE FREAKIN’ MARTHA STUART!!!!”

Rude: “You were under the control of some weird contaminated lip gloss, from what I can tell from this…”

(he hands her the lip gloss)

Ashley: “Ew, this isn’t too skeevy. It looks like the entire ramble room used it.”

Irvine: “Well, all the girls, at least. See? You were acting just like them.”

(points at the other girls, who smile and wave, except for Katie, who winks)

Ashley: “Ok, this is waaaaaaay to freaky for me. I can’t remember a thing!!! How did I get here?”

Seifer: “Me and Irvine found you unconscious in your room. I carried you back here.”

Irvine: *mumbles* “I coulda done it too….”

Ashley: “Well this is all fine and dandy, but I wish to be freed from the land of LL Bean, if you don’t mind. I’m gonna go get changed, be right back.”

Rude: “Seifer, you go with her, just to make sure she’s ok.”

Seifer: “Ok.”

Ashley: *rolls her eyes and seifer follows her out*

Katie: “Hey, how come she gets to prance around? I’m skanky too, and I’m still tied up!”

Shell: *scrunches up her nose* “Come to think of it, she probably has lots of diseases. Rude, could you move me a little farther away from her please?”

Katie: “Bite me, you stupid little feather duster!”

Shell: *gasps*

Irvine and Rude: *sweat drops*

Lark: “Um, excuse me, but I can’t feel the entire lower half of my body now…”


MEANWHILE, BACK WITH Noelle…

(Noelle, upon arriving back at the ramble building, passed out in her room, like Ashley had. She wakes up now, looking drowsily around her…)

Noelle: “Huh? I’m doing what now???”

(she looks at her outfit)

Noelle: “A-ahhh!!!! Dear sweet God why?! When did I trip and fall into Sears?!”

(so she gets up and runs to the rable room, looking for an explaination…)

Noelle: *bursts into the ramble room, and sees Katie, lark and shell tied up and rude and irvine looking at her strangely* “Rude!!! Irvine!!! ….Katie?”

Katie: “That’s right, girlfriend.” *winks*

Noelle: “Ew, whatever, why are the girls tied up and why am I dressed like this answer me now before I scream again and where is the other ho, er , Ashley?”

Irvine and Rude: *blink*

Irvine: “Well, they’re tied up because they haven’t come to their senses yet, you’re dressed like that because you used to be like them and Ashley just went to her room with Seifer. Does that answer all your questions?”

Noelle: *pauses* “…I guess so. But why am I wearing this again? And why can’t I remember anything?”

Rude: “You were under the influence of-“

Noelle: “Excuse me I do NOT do drugs!!!”

Rude: “Er, that wasn’t what I was going to say…”

Noelle: *nervous smile* “Er, of course not! Heh heh…please, continue!” *sweat drops*

Rude: “You were under the influence of this lip gloss…”

Noelle: *takes the lip gloss* “Is it Softlips? Because if it is they should be expecting a very angry letter!”

Irvine: “Actually, it looks to be home brewed.”

Noelle: “Home brewed? But who would be twisted enough to make lip gloss for evil purposes?”

All: *pause and stare at each other for a moment* “…Hojo.”

Irvine: “Lets go show him what he’s dealing with!” *clicks rifle*

Rude: “…I’m really mad about what he did to Shell.” *cracks knuckles*

Shell: “Tee hee! Oh Rude!” *blushes*

Noelle: “Lets go give him a makeover he won’t forget!” *brandishes a paperclip*

Rude and Irvine: *sweat drops*

Irvine: “Maybe we should recruit someone else before storming the castle, huh?”

Rude: “Good idea.”

Noelle: “Hey!” *pouts*

(they leave to find seifer and Ashley)

Katie: *sigh* “I feel the strong urge to get laid.”

Shell: “EW!”

Lark: *makes a pitiful whimper as she tries to chew through the ropes*


BACK IN LOSER LAND…

(hojo is frolicking about packing his bags to move in to the ramble room. Kuja is looking into his new mirror, scarlet is now typing up a website for her “business”, nida  is looking through old family albums, and heidegger has retreated back to the closet…)

Hojo: *giddy* “He he! I can’t wait for all those little ramble jerks to leave so I can take over! First the ramble room, then the world! FWA HA HA HA HA!!!”

Scarlet: *over her shoulder* “Aren’t you spreading your diseases before they cultivate, you twisted old man?”

Nida: “Speaking of spreading diseases, how’s the business going, ho?”

Scarlet: “For your information, little boy, it’s doing great. It’s working way better than those flyers did in the slums. Besides, at least people enjoy my company, which is more than I can say for you, ass.”

Nida: “Hey! Shut up, skank! My family enjoys my company! See? Here’s cousin Jimmy, pushing my face into the sandbox…and here’s Uncle Tom…he’s letting me have a better view of the Grand Canyon…and here’s my Aunt Tanya…I’m helping her cook thanksgiving dinner by checking the temperature of the oven with my head…”

Kuja: *sighs* “I’m lovely…absolutely lovely…lovely is the one thing I can do…”

Heidegger: *from the depths of the closet* “Gya haa haa!!!! I’m ready to show you my latest outfit!”

Scarlet: “Hold on a minute!” *puts on sunglasses* “Ok! You can come out now!”

Kuja: *puts down the mirror and shields his eyes* “Not again! Not the blinding glare of ugliness!”

Nida: *dives behind the couch*

Hojo: “Oh, not again…”

(Heidegger comes out…dressed as Elvis…white suit complete with cape and rhinestones…)

Heidegger: “Uh-huh! Gya haa haa!” *shakes his pelvis*

Scarlet: “Oh my dear sweet Victoria’s Secret catalogue…just destroy me…have mercy…”

Nida: *eyes covered* “Is it over yet??!!”

Kuja: *is too frightened to speak*

Hojo: *stands in silence for a moment, and then makes a funny gurgling noise*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Now that my beautiful new outfit has laft you speechless, I can sing my song for you!! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “Please no….let me die….”

(Heidegger proceeds to do his best impression of Elvis, which is frighteningly enough, pretty damn good….)

Heidegger: *shakes pelvis again, causing his rolls to jiggle in time with the song* “I’m all shook up!! Uh-huh!!!”

(the three spectators stare in horrified silence when Rude, Irvine, Ashley, Noelle and Seifer barge in)

Irvine: “Yee haw!! We got you now, you…”

(irvine trails off as they stare in horror at Heidegger’s performance…)

Ashley: *shivers* “W-what is it, Seifer? Please make it die….”

Seifer: *pulls her close* “I wish I could, Ashley, I wish I could…”

Noelle: “Ack! Hit it with a stick! Hit it with a stick!”

Irvine: “Oh no! He’s disgracing the King!”

Rude: *snaps out of it and grabs a shocked Hojo, dragging him form the frightening spectacle*

(They retreat with Hojo to the outside of loser land, where rude slams him against a wall)

Rude: *shakes hojo* “You better tell us what you did to the girls.”

Irvine: *clicks rifle* “Fast.”

Seifer: *brandishes gunblade* “And tell us how to get them back.”

Noelle: *kicks him* “Skeevy old fart…”

Ashley: “And…yeah!” *sticks out tongue*

Hojo: *shifty eyes* “I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

Rude: “I think you do.”

Irvine: *holds up lip gloss* “Does this look familiar?”

Hojo: “It uh….looks like some of kuja’s make up….”

Seifer: “We all know that Kuja isn’t bright enough to make something that can change a personality.”

Ashley: “Gross, I can’t believe that I put something that he made on my mouth!!!”

Rude: “This is your last chance, or we get physical, and not in any way that you’ll enjoy either.”

All except Hojo: *shiver*

Hojo: “Alright, alright! I made the lip gloss. It reacts with neurons in the human brain which alter personality traits. Once it has contact with flash, it enters the bloodstream and completely switches a personality with it’s exact opposite.”

Irvine: “Well that explains why Katie isn’t acting like the rest of you ladies did.”

Noelle: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, she was already flaky and stupid.”

Ashley: “This is all really nice, but how come me and Noelle changed back to our normal selves and the others didn’t?”

Seifer: “Yeah, is there a cure?”

Hojo: “…No.”

All but Hojo: “WHAT?!”

Rude: “How can we change them back?!”

Hojo: “Ack! It will wear off after a few hours!!! I don’t know why it wore off so quickly on those two! Maybe they didn’t put on as much! I swear that’s all I know!!”

Rude: “…” *drops Hojo, who runs back into pit of Elvis hell*

Ashley: “Well, I guess that’s all…”

Irvine: “So we just have to wait for the girls to switch back?”

Seifer: “I guess so…”

Noelle: “Damn! And I was hoping we had to go on some wild adventure and risk our lives to look for a cure!”

All: *stare at Noelle*

Noelle: “Because of course, I would say screw you all and laugh in your faces.”

All: *sweat drops*

Irvine: “Let’s go back to the ramble room…”

Noelle: “You do that. I’m gonna go for a walk.”

(she leaves and the others return to the ramble room)


BACK THE THE RAMBLE ROOM…

(Rude, irvine, seifer and Ashley enter to see lark has chewed through quite a bit of the rope, shell had passed out and Katie is humming “Little Bunny Foo Foo”…)

Katie: “…I don’t wanna see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head!”

Ashley: “Katie? Are you ok?”

Katie: *looks up at them* “…Fozzle?”

All: *relieved sighs*

Ashley: “Katie! You’re back!”

Katie: *looks around* “Why? Where did we go?”

Irvine: *starts to untie Katie* “It’s a long story, cowgirl. I’ll tell you at dinner tonight? *winks*”

Katie: “…Ok!”

Rude: *unties Shell and shakes her* “Shell? Are you alright?”

Shell: *slowly wakes up* “Ugh….I feel faint….Rude?”

Rude: “Yes Shell?”

Shell: *weakly* “Come closer…”

Rude: *leans forward* *gently* “Yes, Shell?”

Shell: *screeches into his ear* “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED????”

Rude: “It’s kind of a long story, Shell…”

Shell: “Good, then you can tell me tonight at dinner after taking me shopping. Let’s go.”

Rude: *smiles* “Yes, Shell…”

(they leave)

Ashley: *walks over to lark and takes a chunk of rope out of her mouth* “Um, Lark?”

Lark: *spits out rope fibers* “Untie me, now, Ashley. Or so help me god I will shove these high heels so far up your—mph!!!”

Ashley: *hand flies over lark’s mouth* “Eh heh…she’s back…”

(irvine unties lark)

Lark: “Now tell me what happened. I can’t remember a thing!”

Irvine: “Well, here’s the story…”

20 MINUTES LATER…

Irvine: “…and that’s all we know so far.”

Lark: “So you haven’t seen Noelle since then? And what about Lizzie?”

Ashley: “Noelle should be back soon.”

Seifer: “And Lizzie hasn’t been here all day, so she should be fine.”

Katie: “Wow, that’s so weird! It’s like, these stories sound familiar, but I can’t remember a thing! It’s like, what do ya call it? Decoupage?”

Ashley: “Um, I think that’s Deja vou, Katie…”

Katie: “Eh, whatever. I’m gonna go get changed. Bye!” *she flounces away*

Irvine: “Hey, wait little lady! What about our date?!” *he chases after her*

Seifer: “Well, I guess all’s well that ends well.”

Ashley: “Stop trying to be poetic, Seifer. Come on, let me show you my gratitude for carrying me around so carefully.” *she grabs him by the necklace and drags him out*

Seifer: “!!!” *grins and they leave*

Lark: *looks around the ramble room* “Wow, I really did a number on that rope…wish I could remember what happened….” *shrugs and starts to clean up the chunks of rope*

MEANWHILE, WITH RENO…

(reno is angrily walking through the halls of the ramble building…)

Reno: “I can’t believe this…I’ve been looking for an hour and a half and I haven’t seen a single ramble chick…”

(suddenly Noelle walks out of her room and right into reno. They fall to the ground and he lands on top of her…)

Reno: *dashing grin* “Well hello! Where have you been, sexy? Never mind, do you remember what you promised me earlier?”

Noelle: *disgusted beyond belief* “No, I can’t say that I do.”

Reno: “Let me remind you!”  *he kisses her*

Noelle: *is thinking angry, dangerous thoughts, but plays along for a happy ending on her part* “Tee hee! Now I remember! Why don’t we go somewhere more….private…*winks*”

(she drags him into her room by his belt and they close the door. Sounds of a scuffle ensue. A fist meeting flesh, a vase breaking, soft cries for help and then a thud. Finally silence. Noelle walks out of the room looking a little disheveled but pleased.)

Noelle: *brushes off clothes* *sings softly* “Don’t keep me waiting when I’m in the mood…”

(vincent and seph walk by Noelle and exchange confused looks. They peer into her room and see reno, hands and feet bound together by his belt and a sock shoved into his mouth)

Vincent and Sephiroth: *shake their heads and walk away*

LATER THAT EVENING…

(Lark, Katie, shell, Noelle, Ashley, seifer, rude, seph, vincent, and irvine are all sitting in the ramble room, chatting about the days strange events…)

Lark: “Well, that was interesting…wish I could remember what the hell happened…”

Katie: “At least I got to change out of those yucky clothes…they smelled like whiskey and feet…*scrunches up nose*”

Ashley: “So everything is back to normal now, right?”

Irvine: “I guess so. All the ramble girls are back to normal and accounted for so…”

Shell: “Wait, what about Lizzie?”

All: “…Oh @#$%.”

AT THAT VERY MOMENT, AT THE LOCAL ARENA…

(Barbra Streisand is in the last chords of her farewell concert…)

Lizzie: *in the front row, sobbing* “I LOVE YOU, BARBRA!!! DON’T LEAVE US!!! WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT- *her eyes suddenly become clear again* Where the hell am I?”

Barbra: “Hello, Dolly! Well hello, Dolly, you’re still glowing, you’re still—“

Lizzie: *eye twitches* “…NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

THE END

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