#70 – Back To The Book: Final Fairy Tales II

King Reno: “No water?!?! Then let them drink beer!!!”

Originally Published: 1/26/01 . 40 pages

Synopsis
The girls open up their favorite fairy tale books once again for a continuation of their stories. They’re not over yet!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I loved writing the first one so much that I had to do a sequel. (And then a third one. But we’ll get to that way later.) I love this one even more than the first one. My favorite story is either bankrupt King Reno or Prince Rufus’ quest for an heir. (FYI, the whole Mountain Dew/sperm count thing is not true.) I also enjoy the Narrator interacting with the characters. And getting beat up by them. She had it coming.

 (all the ramble chicks enter an otherwise empty ramble room)

Lark: “Where are the guys?”

Ashley: “Is that *all* you think about?”

Lark: “*Obviously*.”

Shell: “Who needs guys when you have stuff. Speaking of stuff, what’s this on the table?”

(they go over to the table where there’s a book. lark picks it up)

Lark: “Fairy Tales Volume 2, part 2: the sequels.”

Lizzie: “Oh god.”

Noelle: “Don’t open it, Lark.”

Katie: “Don’t listen to her, Lark! Open it!”

Ashley: “I could care less.”

Shell: “It doesn’t have diamonds on it.”

Lark: “Aw, come on, guys!”

(she opens the book and they all get sucked in)

Narrator: “Once upon a time…”

Lizzie: “God dammit!! Not again!”

Narrator: “Shut up! I’m not on your story!” *clears throat* “Once upon a time……later…….”

(daughter shell, now princess shell, enters with her hands full of money. prince rufus is seated on his throne looking glum)

Narrator: “You will recall Daughter Shell, the only daughter of the lying, Ward blaming Miller Kiros. She had married Prince Rufus after Rumpelgyahaahaa spun some straw into gold for her. The once dutiful daughter had become quite greedy, and her mako reactor had made her quite a wealthy princess–as if she wasn’t wealthy enough. Although she was quite content, Prince Rufus seemed quite down.”

Princess Shell: “Hehe! I love money! I like the way it feels, I like the way it smells, and even how it tastes!” *puts some in her mouth and makes a disgusted face* “Ugh, never mind that last one.”

Prince Rufus: “Uh, Shell, can we talk a moment?”

Princess Shell: “That’s *Princess* Shell to you!” *smiles* “But sure, what’s up?”

Prince Rufus: “I was thinking….what happens when I die?”

Princess Shell: “We dump ya in the ground and I get all the money! Plus, I think my dad will be happy to be using the bathtub more–”

Prince Rufus: “No! You missed the whole point! Shell, I need an heir!”

Princess Shell: “…….You want a kid?”

Prince Rufus: “Yeah.”

Princess Shell: “….That would involve me I’m guessing.”

Prince Rufus: “I would think so.”

Princess Shell: “Basically, you want me to have your kid.”

Prince Rufus: “You’re my wife!”

Princess Shell: “I don’t want kids. They’re noisy, plus it would ruin my oh so gorgeous figure.”

Prince Rufus: “I need an heir!”

Princess Shell: “Can’t you adopt something?”

Prince Rufus: “You don’t have a choice! We’re having a baby!”

Princess Shell: “Over my money-loving body!” *stomps out*

Prince Rufus: “That’s *it*!” *claps hands*

Court Jester Palmer: *races in* “You clapped, my oh so handsome prince-type-person?”

Prince Rufus: “Yes. I want to get my wife pregnant.”

Court Jester Palmer: “……..Do you not know how to do it, sir?”

Prince Rufus: “Of *course* I know how to do it! Do you really think those were Disney movies Prince Reno used to bring to our sleepover parties?!”

Court Jester Palmer: *mutters* “I knew I should have screened those first.”

Prince Rufus: “I just need to convince her to have the child.”

Court Jester Palmer: “And how do you wish for me to go about that, oh smart and talented prince of the kingdom?”

Prince Rufus: “I don’t know! That’s why I asked you, you raging suck up! Now go think up stuff!”

Court Jester Palmer: “Yes, sir, oh glorious prince, sir, right away!” *rushes off*

Narrator: “Meanwhile, on the other side of the castle, Princess Shell was thinking up some plans of her own…”

Princess Shell: *pacing* “I have to think of a way to make sure Rufus changes his mind, or at least can’t have kids altogether.” *thinks a minute* “Ah HA!” *claps hands*

Court Jester Palmer: *rushes in outta breath* “You…clapped..oh…princess?”

Princess Shell: “I don’t know if he’s told you, but Rufus wants an heir.”

Court Jester Palmer: “Yes, he did mention it.”

Princess Shell: “I will under no circumstances have a child, so, instead I have thought of ways to beat Rufus at his own game!”

Court Jester Palmer: *sweat drops* “Uh-oh.”

Narrator: “Not quite marital bliss for those two.”

Lizzylocks: “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Let’s just get this over with!”

Narrator: *sets jaw* “*Fine*. Next we go back to the story of Lizzylocks and the 3 Garden students.”

Rinoabear: “I still am *not* a Garden Student.”

Narrator: “Shush up! You’ll ruin the story!” *clears throat* “Anyway, if you’ll recall, Lizzylocks broke into the cottage of the 3 Garden Students and generally made a ruckus until they came back and Rinoabear’s dog Angelo tore Lizzylocks to bloody bits.” *chuckles*

Lizzylocks: “NOT FUNNY!”

Narrator: “Unfortunately, Lizzylocks survived the brutal encounter, and wrote many long, depressing poems about the suffering she endured after the encounter.”

Lizzylocks: “I got them published!”

Narrator: “Would you let *me* tell the story, ya brat!”

Lizzylocks: “NO!”

Narrator: “Grrr… Anyway, as Lizzylocks so annoyingly pointed out, her poems were published.”

Lizzylocks: “I became famous!”

Narrator: “Oh please shut up!”

Lizzylocks: “Why don’t you make me?!”

Narrator: “Don’t *make* me come over there!”

Rinoabear: “Look, just tell the story!”

Narrator: “I’m *trying*! Anyway, as she *said*, Lizzielock’s poems made her very famous, and everyone wanted to get all they could of the ‘Garden Students Who Looked Like Bears’ stuff. In fact, it was so popular, that the President of Ether Publishing was trying to think of a new way to get more money from the dimwitted customers.”

(cut to where Lizzylocks is sitting in the office of the president of ether publishing. she’s wearing a black business suit)

Lizzylocks: “And look! I got better clothes!”

(then the door flies open and the president stumbles in)

Prez-Laguna: “Hey hey! I’m President of Ether!”

Lizzylocks: *rolls eyes* “Must you say that whenever you enter a room?”

Prez-Laguna: “Yeah! That way everyone knows who I am!”

Lizzylocks: “You’re late.”

Prez-Laguna: “Yeah, there was a strange guy from the next kingdom over named Kiros who said that Ward said he wanted to publish a book on how some girl became princess by letting a guy named Rumpelgyahaahaa trick a prince.” *shrugs* “Sounded like crap to me.”

Lizzylocks: “But you printed that junk in the Inquirer about how a girl could spin straw into gold.”

Prez-Laguna: “Hey hey! Only quality news goes in the Inquirer!”

Lizzylocks: “You keep telling yourself that.”

Prez-Laguna: “Hey, so I’ve been thinking about how to get more money outta this idea of yours.”

Lizzylocks: “You come up with anything?”

Prez-Laguna: “Of course I did! I’m not President cause I slept through meetings! Anyway, I figured we could find the home of these bears, pay ’em to move out, and give tours!”

Lizzylocks: “Great idea! …But, Laguna, what if they won’t move out?”

Prez-Laguna: “We could *make* ’em move out.”

Lizzylocks: “Sounds great to me. I can see all those zeros now!”

Prez-Laguna: “Great, so you go tomorrow and tell those Garden Bear people to pack it on up and move out.” *checks watch* “Ooh! I’ve gotta go bowling!”

Lizzylocks: “*Again*? Don’t guys like you play *golf*?”

Prez-Laguna: “Golf? No! Bowling!”

Narrator: “And so the already apparent true evil in Lizzylocks appears as she schemes to buy those poor, defenseless Garden students out of house and home.”

Lizzylocks: “Can it, you narrating jerk!”

Narrator: *sets jaw* “Moving on, we return to the story of Princess Lark, who, you’ll remember, pricked her finger on the spinning wheel of Millif-Hojo and fell asleep. She was later awakened by the dashing and handsome Prince Sephiroth who took her, and *then* took her for his wife.”

Fairy Tseng: “He had us all fooled.”

Narrator: “Prince Sephiroth was very protective of his young wife, and he had anyone who hit on her or even looked at her ‘the wrong way’ beheaded. In fact he was so insanely protective that he had her handcuffed to him 24/7.”

(we see princess lark and prince sephiroth on their thrones. princess lark’s left wrist is attached to prince sephiroth’s right one. prince sephiroth is speaking to royal aide kuja, and he moves his right arm around a lot, taking her arm with it)

Prince Sephiroth: “So you must tell Prince Zidane that we intend to become one with his kingdom! And shall he refuse, I will summon meteor!”

Royal Aide Kuja: *staring at himself in a mirror* “That really is a strange name for the royal army.”

Prince Sephiroth: “Be gone with you!” *makes sweeping gesture*

Royal Aide Kuja: *sigh* “Yes, your highness.” *mutters* “He’s not as pretty as me.” *exits*

Princess Lark: “Ow… My wrist…” *annoyed sigh* “Is handcuffing yourself to me *really* necessary?! You keep moving your hand around!”

Prince Sephiroth: “It is to remind you and everyone else that you are *mine* and *mine* alone.”

Fairy Elena: “The Princess doesn’t look too happy.”

Fairy Rude: “Of course I’m not happy! I’m still in this dress!”

Fairy Elena: “Uh…I was talking about the princess, Rude, not you.”

Fairy Rude: “……..Of course. But I’m just saying that I can see the two of you as fairies, but not me!”

Fairy Tseng: “For your information, I am *not* a cross dresser.”

Prince Sephiroth: “Besides, I have to be sure you will not cheat on me.”

Princess Lark: “Cheat on you? With who?!!?”

Prince Sephiroth: “…………Royal Aide Kuja?”

Princess Lark: “……..Is Kuja even a guy?”

Prince Sephiroth: “I really don’t know. But the point is I can only sleep at night knowing I am the only man who has ever had you.”

Princess Lark: “Do you even love me?”

Prince Sephiroth: “…..Uh….let’s discuss the upcoming feast of St. Gast, shall we?”

Princess Lark: *annoyed sigh*

Narrator: “Clearly, Princess Lark was not happy with being chained to her husband. In fact, she was so displeased that she cheated on him anyway, with Prince Zidane of the neighboring kingdom which Prince Sephiroth  desired to overtake, and even was willing to wage war against. You may be asking yourself just how she was able to cheat on him while handcuffed, but the cunning Princess had her ways….”

(cut to the royal bedroom where prince sephiroth is fast asleep and princess lark and prince zidane are making out very heavily right next to him)

Prince Zidane: *breaks away* “Are you sure he won’t wake up?”

Princess Lark: “Yes, I’m sure! I gave him a sleeping weed. He’ll be fast asleep till morning.”

Prince Zidane: “I don’t see why you can’t just tell him you want a divorce and get it over with!”

Princess Lark: “Look, I don’t know what I want.”

Prince Zidane: “You know, your husband has been threatening to take over my kingdom for some time now. He’s even threatening to use meteor.”

Princess Lark: “I know.” *holds up wrist bringing seph’s wrist with it* “I hear everything he says!”

Prince Zidane: “I was hesitant to go to war, but now I believe I have no choice.”

Princess Lark: “No! Don’t agree to fight! I’ll convince him it’s not worth it and he’ll move on to something else!”

Prince Zidane: “Lark, I’m not doing this to protect my land. I’m doing this so you don’t have to suffer under these conditions anymore! When I win, not only will I get this kingdom, I’ll get you too!”

Princess Lark: “Oh dear…”

Prince Sephiroth: *snore*

Narrator: “And so it seems Princess Lark got herself into more trouble than she had bargained for, and the two kingdoms prepared for war. Meanwhile, in a peaceful kingdom not too far away, we return to the story of Amiel, the young mermaid turned human turned Princess who married the cowboy Prince Irvine. They were very happy together.”

Amiel: “I’m so glad we’re married!”

Prince Irvine: “I’m pretty damn thrilled about it too, cowgirl.”

Nida-the-Reject-Frog: *is a frog* “I hate you both. Can’t I be human again?”

Prince Irvine: “You’re far too amusin’ as a frog! Anyway, if you were human, you’d be fired.”

Nida-the-reject-frog: “But I drove your boat!”

Prince Irvine: “We have a computer that does that now.”

Narrator: “The happy couple was so happy that they decided they wanted a child. However, when they decided they wanted one, they were amazed to discover Amiel was already pregnant. So it wasn’t much longer until Amiel gave birth to a lovely baby girl who they named Eikomiel, even though Nida-the-reject-frog complained it was a very ugly name.”

Nida-the-reject-frog: “It is!”

Prince Irvine: “Well I think ‘Nida-the-reject-frog’ is a pretty ugly name! How about that!?”

Nida-the-reject-frog: “You *gave* me this stupid nickname!”

Prince Irvine: “Just proves how damn clever I am.” *grins*

Narrator: “Now, even though Amiel and Prince Irvine had not been married long, their daughter, Eikomiel, grew to be at the maturity of age 6 within a few months, because she still had mermaid blood in her, and mermaids do not stay children very long. Hence, fully developed sixteen year olds ready to be married off. …Not like I’m going to mention specific names or anything. So anyway, they had this 6 year old that was really only a few months old.”

Prince Irvine: “Our kid’s a freak.”

Amiel: “She’s not a freak! She’s just…special!”

Prince Irvine: “That’s another word for freak.”

Amiel: “It is not!”

Nida-the-reject-frog: “My mom always told me I was special!”

Prince Irvine: *gives amiel a look* “I rest my case.”

Narrator: “Now while Prince Irvine was an attentive enough father…I guess…if you call attentive buying your child his/her first rifle before the age of a year, but it was Amiel’s job to really raise her, and she had this idea that she had to be 100% honest with her child.”

Eikomiel: “Mommy! Mommy! Why is the sky blue?”

Amiel: “Uh….the…uh…birds make it that way, honey.”

Eikomiel: “Why is the grass green?”

Amiel: “Grass? Oh right, the stuff that grows on land. Um…the…uh…bugs do that.”

Eikomiel: “What’s a fire? And why does it…what’s the word….burn?”

Amiel: “I think I have a painting that can explain that to you…”

Eikomiel: “Why does Nida-the-reject-frog talk if he’s a frog?”

Amiel: “Because he’s a freak, honey.”

Nida-the-reject-frog: *hopping by* “I’m not a freak! I’m special!”

Eikomiel: “Why does everyone always say you used to be a Mermaid?”

Amiel: “Because I was.”

Eikomiel: *gasp* “You mean you used to live in the sea?!”

Amiel: “Yup!”

Eikomiel: “With the fishies and the whales and the sharks and the seahorsies!?”

Amiel: “….They do all come from the sea.”

Eikomiel: “Wow! How did you become human?”

Amiel: “It’s a long story involving magic powers, true love and an evil witch. It’s really not interesting at all.”

Eikomiel: *amazed* “Wow…. A mermaid…”

Amiel: “It really was quite boring. I like being a human much better!”

Narrator: “But the young child was enthralled by ideas of living in the sea with the fishies and the seahorsies–and good god why am I talking like her? ….Anyway, Eikomiel spent many hours staring at the sea, wishing she could live there.”

Prince Irvine: “Why does Eikomiel stare at the sea all day?”

Amiel: “I think she’s going through a phase.”

Nida-the-reject-frog: “I think she wishes she were a mermaid.”

Prince Irvine: “Did I ask what you thought?!?”

Nida-the-reject-frog: “You should! Cause I’m right!”

Prince Irvine: “Get out of our dining room before I decide I want some frogs legs for dinner!”

Nida-the-reject-frog: *hops away* “I hope you choke.”

Narrator: “And so Eikomiel sat on the ocean shore, praying that she could someday become a mermaid. She thought no one was really listening, but in actuality someone was….a very *evil* someone.”

King Bariton: “Yo! I ain’t evil, punk!”

Scarsula: “They’re talking about me, you idiot! Kya haa haa!”

King Bariton: “What?!?! We killed yo’ punk ass!”

Narrator: “Even though they thought she was dead, the throughly evil Scarsula had been revived by her evil henchmen, Vivisom and Steinersem shortly after she was shot by Prince Irvine. Besides, by now everyone should know that no one evil truly dies after you kill them once. Just look at Sephiroth.”

Prince Sephiroth: “If you’re going to pick on me, at least have the decency to do it in my own story!”

Princess Lark: “Ow! Stop moving your arm around!!!”

Narrator: “Stop interrupting me! Anyway, the evil Scarsula had equally evil plans for the young girl.”

Scarsula: “Look, Vivisom, look, Steinersem! I have another chance to rule all! But this time I will use that foolish little girl to carry out my evil scheme!”

Vivisom: “I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

Steinersem: “It is my duty to protect Scarsula with my life!”

Scarsula: “That’s the spirit, Steinersem! …Vivisom, your evilness still needs work.”

Vivisom: *bangs into some coral* “Ow!”

Narrator: “We’re going to have to keep a close eye on that situation. Meanwhile, in yet another magical kingdom, we have the now married Prince Reno. His wife, the beautiful Noelle, who pretended to be a Princess to win the Prince’s lust, was quite happy living in the lap of luxury. However, soon after the wedding, Prince Reno’s worrisome mother, Queen Edea, died of over worry.”

Prince Reno: “Yo, man! That ain’t cool!”

Narrator: “That mean Prince Reno was now *King* Reno, and he was in charge of things.”

Noelle: “I have a question.”

Narrator: *sigh* “What is it?”

Noelle: “Well, shouldn’t Prince Sephiroth be *King* Sephiroth since he’s in charge of everything in his kingdom? And shouldn’t the same go for Prince Rufus? And shouldn’t that mean that their wives should be queens? And why aren’t I a queen if my husband is king?!”

Narrator: “Look, I’m just reading this, I’m not writing it. Better take it up with the author.”

Noelle: “Fine. I think I will.”

Narrator: “Anyway, King Reno didn’t know much about the world. And he knew even less about ruling. So he threw a lot of parties and hoped for the best. However, his popularity rating was not too great.”

(cut to the throne room. reno is sitting sideways on his throne, playing with his crown, Noelle sits in her throne, filing her nails)

Court Aide Red the XIIIth: “Sire, I have today’s popularity rating.”

King Reno: “Cool!! I’m popular! Gimme the good news!”

Court Aide Red the XIIIth: “Um…I’m afraid it’s not good, sire. Your popularity rating is a negative 1, which, until now, was thought impossible.”

King Reno: “What?!?! A negative one?! But I’m the coolest king ever! I have the best luck with the ladies, I can hold more alcohol than anyone else in the kingdom–*and* I have great hair! What’s the deal with these peasants?!”

Court Aide Red the XIIIth: “I’m afraid they don’t care about any of those………..accomplishments, sire. The water supply has become tainted, and the people are very thirsty.”

King Reno: “No water?!?! Then let them drink beer!!!”

Narrator: “Predictably, that line only made King Reno *less* popular with the peasantry. One week later, Court Aide Red the XIIIth returned with more horrifying news.”

Court Aide Red the XIIIth: “Sire, more news of your popular vote.”

King Reno: “Great! I bet I’m in the 100th percentile now! Let’s hear it!”

Court Aide Red the XIIIth: “I’m afraid your approval rating has shot way *down*, sire. It’s now -21%. Even the chipmunks in the forest are starting to laugh at you.”

Noelle: “Omg! Is *that* what you are? A chipmunk? Me and my chamber maids have a bet.”

Court Aide Red the XIIIth: “….I am not a chipmunk. I was merely trying to make this bleak situation even bleaker.”

Noelle: “Oh well then. Can you at least tell me if you’re a wallaby? Cause if you are, I get 20 Gil.”

King Reno: “Noelle! I’m kinda unpopular here! Can this wait?!” *turns to red the xiiith* “Come on! You gotta have *something* good to tell me!”

Court Aide Red the XIIIth: “No, really, there’s nothing. In fact, when asked what they would do if they had the honor of meeting you in person, most peasants replied ‘chop his @#@#$%@^ head off’.”

King Reno: *gasp* “Not my beautiful head! It’s my second best feature!”

Noelle: *snickers*

Court Aide Red the XIIIth: “I’m afraid that is the general opinion, sire. Something must be done, and fast.”

King Reno: “Desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend…” *seriously* “I’m afraid we’re going to have to do what we never thought we could.”

Court Aide Red the XIIIth: “Oh no. Not that.”

King Reno: *nods* “It’s our only choice……..” *face lights up* “We have the throw the rockinest party our peasants have ever seen! We’ll spend every dime we’ve got! It’ll be great!”

Narrator: “While most of the court pretended to love King Reno’s plan, there was one who spoke up in warning.”

Wise Old Man Cid: *from the shadows* “#$%#^#^%@#^@#%^%^^%&^%&%*&^#%$@%&#$%^!!!”

King Reno: “What are you talking about?! My party won’t ruin the kingdom! It’ll make it even more cool!”

Wise Old Man Cid: “#%#^%#$^%#$&%%&#&*#&@&@^#$%@#$%&@&!!!”

King Reno: “I assure you that everything will be fine, and your stupid predictions mean nothing to me! You’ll see! We’ll be the best kingdom in the land! Besides, anyone who has ‘foreseen’ anything is 95% likely to die soon! So ha ha on you!” *stomps out*

Narrator: “The young, foolish king was not willing to listen to the advice of the only one willing to speak the truth, and instead planned his large and lavish party, using every dime in the land. Meanwhile, in our last kingdom, the lovely Ashley had fallen in love with Beast Seifer, who, after learning to love Ashley in return, transformed into Prince Seifer, and they were married. All the appliances in his house returned to people, and Reevston ran away like the coward he really was.”

Reevston: “I was just trying to be nice!”

Narrator: “Sure you were.”

Quistis: “Hey, what happened to Red?”

Selphie: “He got a job in another kingdom. He works for King Reno in the kingdom of ‘Grooviness’.”

Quistis: “That’s gotta suck.”

Narrator: “Anyway, the couple was happy to say the least. However, things on the other end were *not* fine. Why? Because when Ashley was running off marrying Beast people, she totally forgot to tell her father anything.”

Ashley: “Oops.”

Narrator: “Ashley’s father was a strange fellow, and not well liked by the town’s people. He would sleep in a coffin for days at a time, or he would add to his collection of portraits of Prince Sephiroth of the next kingdom over. Some swore he had a voodoo doll of Prince Sephiroth’s wife, but that was never proven. Basically, Ashley’s father, Vinrece, was completely out of it, and he did not notice she was gone until long after she was.”

(the lid of a coffin opens and vinrece sits up. on the lid of the coffin are pictures of prince sephiroth)

Vinrece: “Hm. Where is my daughter? Perhaps I should investigate.”

Narrator: “And so Vinrese ventured out into town.”

Vinrese: “Little town… It’s a quiet village… Every day… Like the one before… Little town… Full of little people…. Waking up to say–”

Random Citizen: “Shut the hell up you crazy freak!”

Vinrese: “Hm. I sense a hostile atmosphere.”

(reevston walks by, slumped over)

Narrator: *coughs*

Reevston: *looks up* “What is it now?”

Narrator: “You don’t look manly to me!”

Reevston: “Look, just because I like Tseng doesn’t mean—-uh…oops.”

Narrator: “Look, just act macho, okay?!”

Reevston: *sigh* “Fine.” *stands up and puffs his chest out* “I ran away in fear, but I’m still cool! There is no danger in the town! …Unless a runaway cart speeds down the street…” *looks around cautiously*

Vinrese: “Hello, Reevston.”

Reevston: “Oh, Vinrese, I see you’re out of your coffin. On the search for more Prince Sephiroth portraits? They’re on sale at the Big Ego Gallery.”

Vinrese: “Ooh!!”

(he runs off so fast there’s nothing left when the small cloud of dust clears. reevston blinks, and then vinrese returns with a shopping bag and a few portraits peeking out at the top)

Vinrese: “That is noteworthy, but not the actual reason I ventured into town this very day.”

Reevston: “Valjean’s not surveying the Red Light District till tomorrow.”

Vinrese: “Excuse me?”

Narrator: “Reevston! Stop with the Les Miserables references or the author’s gonna be pissed!”

Reevston: “But isn’t the author writing what I’m saying right now?”

Narrator: “…………….Just get on with it!”

Vinrese: “I was looking for my daughter, Ashley. By chance, have you seen her?”

Reevston: “Have I?! She fell in love with some Beast guy that turned into a Prince and they got married and I ran away cause I was scared no matter what this narrator person might say.”

Vinrese: “She married?! Without telling me?”

Reevston: “It all happened kind of quickly.”

Vinrese: “I must find her! Will you help me?”

Reevston: *shakes head no*

Narrator: *coughs*

Reevston: *shakes head yes*

Narrator: “And so the pair went off into the woods in search of Vinrese’s daughter, and more portraits of Prince Sephiroth at warehouse prices. Now we move into the second phase of each of our stories.”

Lizzylocks: “Whoop dee fricken do. Make with the words!”

Narrator: “…………………..”

Part The Second

Narrator: “I really hate Lizzylocks.”

Lizzylocks: “The feeling is mutual.”

Narrator: “Anyway, we now return to the story of Princess Shell and Prince Rufus. If you’ll recall, Prince Rufus wished to have a child, while Princess Shell most certainly did *not*. They both had plans to trick the other into getting what they wanted. And meanwhile, Court Jester Palmer’s big suck up ass is caught in the middle.”

(we see prince rufus sitting on his throne)

Prince Rufus: *claps*

Court Jester Palmer: *toddles in quickly* “You clapped, your worship-ness?”

Prince Rufus: “It seems my ingenious brain has come up with a plan to trick my wife.”

Court Jester Palmer: “Of course, sir, genius, sir! Tra laa laa! And what might you have come up with?”

Prince Rufus: “Simple! I just replace her birth control pills with tic tacs!”

Narrator: “Whoa! Wait a minute! This is like the middle ages! There are no birth control pills *or* tic tacs!”

Prince Rufus: “Sure there are. I have some in my pocket.”

Court Jester Palmer: “Birth control pills?!”

Prince Rufus: “NO!! Tics tacs!!”

Narrator: “That crazy author. She doesn’t know what she’s doing.” *sigh* “All right, continue. Sorry to interrupt.”

Prince Rufus: “Now where were we?”

Court Jester Palmer: “Let’s pick it up where you say the line about the pill and the tic tacs.”

Prince Rufus: “Okay then.” *clears throat* “Simple! I just replace her birth control pills with tic tacs!”

Court Jester Palmer: “Tra laa haa! That’s brilliant, sire! Positively brilliant! You’re the smartest person in the land!”

Prince Rufus: “I know, I know.” *takes tic tacs out of pocket* “Now, replace these with her pills, and we’ll be having a baby shower before we know it.”

Court Jester Palmer: “Yes, sir!” *scurries off*

Narrator: “Meanwhile, on the other side of the castle…”

Princess Shell: *singing* “I’m a little bit of everything–all rolled into one–I’m a bitch –I’m a lover —I’m a child –I’m a mother —I’m a sinner —I’m a saint —I do not feel ashamed —I’m your hell —I’m you dream —I’m nothing in between —You know you wouldn’t want it any other way!!!!”

(a couple of birds settle on the window sill)

Princess Shell: “Get off my window sill!”

(she gets a broom and knocks the birds off oh so lovingly)

Prince Shell: “That’s better.” *takes a deep breath* “PALMER! GET IN HERE!”

(court jester palmer runs in covered in suds)

Princess Shell: *blinks* “What happened to you?”

Court Jester Palmer: “Your father used a bit too much bubble bath. We’re kind of in the middle of an emergency.”

Princess Shell: “I’m in the middle of an emergency too! Now has my husband been drinking Mountain Dew constantly?”

Court Jester Palmer: “Yes, your highness. He thinks it’s bad champagne.”

Princess Shell: “Splendid!”

Narrator: “And so each of them prided themselves on the fact that they were screwing their mate over big time.”

(we see them seated at dinner, one at either end of a looooooooooooooooooooooooong table)

Prince Rufus: *sips mountain dew*

Princess Shell: “How’s the champagne, my dear?”

Prince Rufus: *makes a face* “It could be better.”

Princess Shell: “That’s too bad.” *takes out her pill bottle labelled birth control and takes out a ‘pill’*

Prince Rufus: “What’s that, dear?” *squints*

Princess Shell: *casually* “Just my vitamins.”

Prince Rufus: “Oh, all right then. Carry on.” *snickers*

Court Jester Palmer: “Will they ever learn?! I’m hungry too!”

Narrator: “Er….We’ll have to wait and see how that ends. Meanwhile, Lizzylocks, the bitchiest brat in the world, went to see the 3 Garden Students.”

Lizzylocks: *bangs on the door* “Open up, you stupid bear people! What, are you on another stupid walk again!? Maybe I’ll just break into your house again!”

Rinoabear: *opens door* “Haven’t you done enough?”

Zellbear: “You’re a mean lady!”

Squallbear: “Whatever.”

Lizzylocks: “All right, can it with the crap. Listen, I don’t know if you realize this, but your damn dog chewed me up pretty good.”

Rinoabear: “Good! That’s what was *supposed* to happen.”

Lizzylocks: “I could have sued, but instead I wrote poetry, which made me a millionaire.”

Zellbear: “Can I have some money?”

Lizzylocks: “Hell no! I just came to tell you guys that Ether Publishing is buying your house, so you better pack up your GF’s and your honey jars and move into a cave or something.”

Rinoabear: “WHAT?!?!?!”

Lizzylocks: “Pack up your crap and scoot, sister.” *cell phone rings* “Excuse me.” *picks up* “Go.”

Narrator: “Cell phones now?!”

Lizzylocks: “Laguna? Yeah, I closed the deal.”

Rinoabear: “We’re not moving! Right, Squall?”

Squallbear: “Whatever.”

Lizzylocks: “Nah, don’t listen to the background noise. They’ll move. ….What’s that?…..Dinner at the Rainbow Room at 6?”

Narrator: “The Rainbow Room?!?! There was no New York City then!”

Lizzylocks: *checks watch* “Sure, I’ll be there. Bye, babe.” *hangs up* “I gotta fly. Ciao!”

Narrator: “And so the self-centered and career driven Lizzylocks left the Garden students alone.”

Rinoabear: “What are we gonna do, Squall? We can’t let them take our house!”

Squallbear: “……..This calls for desperate measures.”

Zellbear: “A lawyer?”

Squallbear: “No. Let’s go fix our junctions.”

Zellbear: “I claim Doomtrain!”

Rinoabear: “You *always* get Doomtrain!”

Narrator: “And so the Garden students prepared to defend their home from anyone who tried to take it from them. Meanwhile, back to the kingdom of Prince Sephiroth, there was much chaos with the impending war.”

Princess Lark: “*Please*, darling! I beg of you! Do not start a war with Prince Zidane! Only suffering will come as a result! You don’t need his land! You have plenty of your own!”

Prince Sephiroth: “That’s not the reason why we are fighting.” *pulls a note from his pocket and shoves it into her hands* “Look what one of Prince Zidane’s royal messengers brought me today.”

Narrator: “And the note read:”

Princess Lark: *reads quietly and quickly* “Dear Prince Sephiroth, this a note to inform you this war is not about land or honor, but more it is for your wife, who I have been seeing for some time now…” *pales* “Truly, if she cannot decide between us….I….will have no other choice but to fight you for her.” *looks up* “Oh… Oh no…”

(prince sephiroth grabs her by the shoulders and slams her up against the wall)

Prince Sephiroth: *in a low but not menacing voice* “All I ever wanted was to be with you, and for you to be happy with me. I dreamt of it every night till I finally had it. It was then I decided I needed nothing more to be happy.” *he undoes the handcuffs and she gasps* “I can’t make you love me, Lark. So go ahead.” *backs off* “Go to him. Go to him and there will be no war.”

Princess Lark: *shakes head with tears in her eyes* “No… No, I can’t…”

Prince Sephiroth: *hisses* “Why not?!”

Princess Lark: *crying* “Because… Because….I don’t know what I want.”

Prince Sephiroth: “Then I will have no choice but to summon meteor.” *turns and walks away*

Princess Lark: *sobbing* “No… No…”

Narrator: “And so the princess went to her chambers and wept. The fairies did not know what to do.”

Fairy Elena: “What’s wrong with the Princess?”

Fairy Tseng: “She is unsure of her own feelings towards either Zidane or Sephiroth, so she cannot make a sure choice. Now they are going to war, and she could stop it if only her heart would give her a clear definition of what it wanted.”

Fairy Rude: “All I want are some pants.”

Fairy Elena: “Would you SHUT UP?! This is serious!”

Fairy Tseng: “If the Princess cannot make a decision, this will lead to disaster for both kingdoms.”

Fairy Rude: “Two guys start a war fighting over a woman….not too original.”

Fairy Elena: “There must be something we can do!”

Fairy Tseng: “………….Cry too?”

Fairy Elena: “NO! Come on, you guys! Fairies rock! We can do something to help!”

Fairy Rude: “Why don’t we talk to Princess Lark and try to help her realize who her true love is?”

Fairy Tseng: “That might be helpful.”

Fairy Elena: “Hurry! To the princess!”

Narrator: “So while the fairies hurried to the side of the confused young princess, Scarsula drew the child Eikomiel to her throughly truly evil means.”

(we see a lollipop on a string on the shore. eikomiel spots it)

Eikomiel: “Ooh! A lollipop!”

(she tries to catch it, but it just goes into the ocean. eikomiel follows it until she can’t go any deeper and then scarsula pops out of nowhere)

Scarsula: “Hello, little girl.”

Eikomiel: “AH!!!!!!!!! A FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL!!!!!”

Narrator: “The girl tried to run, but Steinersem and Vivison had blocked her path.”

Steinersem: “You must speak with Scarsula!”

Vivison: *whispers* “She’s mean.”

Scarsula: “I heard that!!!!!!!!! I am NOT mean! I am kind, dammit!”

Eikomiel: *blinks*

Scarsula: “Eh heh. ….Anyway, little girl, a little birdie told me you wanted to become a mermaid.”

Eikomiel: “….How could you have talked to a birdie? You live in the sea!”

Scarsula: “…….Forget the details! You wanna be a mermaid or not!?”

Eikomiel: “Yay! I wanna swim in the sea!”

Scarsula: “….Then you must do me one favor! Kya haa haa!”

Eikomiel: “….What do you want?”

Scarsula: “I need………….you to bring me Nida-the-reject-frog.”

Eikomiel: “…..Why?”

Scarsula: “I find him….amusing.”

Eikomiel: “I don’t know if my parents are willing to part with him. They find him amusing too. And his mom says he’s special.”

Scarsula: “If you want to become a mermaid, you will bring me the talking frog! Understand?”

Eikomiel: “Yes.”

Narrator: “The child was unsure of what to do, so she went home to think it over. Meanwhile, King Reno of the Kingdom of “Grooviness” threw his party. And what a party it was! He spent every cent the kingdom had to make certain everyone had a grand old time. And everyone did. King Reno’s popularity rating shot way up. However, the happiness that came with that news was short lived.”

(king reno is sitting sideways in his throne again. Noelle is getting grapes fed to her by blank, from ff9)

Blank: “I’ve got the best job.”

Noelle: “Less gab, more grapes, cutie!”

Blank: “Yes, my queen!”

Noelle: “At least *someone* calls me queen.”

(royal aide red the xiiith enters)

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “My lord, I have news.”

King Reno: “Great! Yo, how’s my rating?!”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “Um, it is still very high, sire, but—”

King Reno: “Great!”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “*But*, sire, you see, uh, there is one *small* problem regarding your party.”

King Reno: “It was too cool, right? The other kingdom’s are jealous. Well tell them they can kiss my awesome party throwing a–”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “I’m afraid you spent all the kingdom’s money, sire. We’re broke. We have no money. We’re doomed. You’ve ruined us all.”

King Reno: *blinks* “That’s like a joke, right?”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “No, I’m afraid I’m dead serious.”

Noelle: “You jerk! You spent all the money!? Are you telling me I’m going back to being poor?!?”

King Reno: “I thought you were a Princess!”

Noelle: “Hells no! I pretended I was so I could get into your pants and marry you!”

King Reno: “Get into *my* pants?….That’s a switch.”

Noelle: “I’m outta here. Come on, Blank!”

Blank: “All righty!”

King Reno: “No! Not Blank!”

Narrator: “But Noelle was gone with her grape feeding person.”

King Reno: “What am I going to do?! Wise Man Cid was right! I did ruin the kingdom!”

Wise Man Cid: “$#%@$#^@^@%^@!!!” *falls over dead*

King Reno: “…………But I was kinda right too, cause I said he was gonna die.”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “Your highness, I’m afraid you only have one option.”

King Reno: “I’m scared to ask what.”

Royal Aide Reno the XIIIth: “Either be absorbed by another kingdom, or run away before you can be beheaded.”

King Reno: *gulp* “….Well….that…sucks…”

Narrator: “And so King Reno was basically screwed, and for once it was not a good thing. Meanwhile, if you’ll recall, the throughly evil and terrible Reevston and Ashley’s prince-obsessed father Vinrese went out looking for Prince Seifer’s castle.”

Reevston: “I’m throughly evil and *terrible* now?!”

Narrator: “Yup.”

Vinrese: “He has been most kind to me.”

Narrator: “No he hasn’t.”

Reevston: “Yes I have.”

Narrator: “NO YOU HAVEN’T!” *coughs and glares*

Reevston: *lifelessly* “No I haven’t. I’ve been mean and cruel.” *pushes vinrese down*

Vinrese: “Ow.”

Reevston: “I’m sorry.”

Narrator: *sigh*

Vinrese: “It’s all right. I believe the Narrator is taking out her aggressions on you.”

Reevston: “You’re probably right.”

Narrator: “I am not! Now stop talking about me! Isn’t that a castle in the distance?”

Vinrese: “Isn’t that a castle in the distance?”

Reevston: “Yes! That’s the beast turned human’s castle! We are nearly there! …And once we get there I suppose I am expected to do something evil, aren’t I?”

Vinrese: “I just wish to see my daughter.”

Reevston: “I’m sick of being mean. That Narrator can kiss my kind hearted ass!”

Vinrese: “….That wasn’t too nice.”

Reevston: “………… ……….. …………. ………….Quiet, you.”

Narrator: “And so the two approached the large castle, not exactly certain of what they would find inside….”

Part The Third and Final

Narrator: “And now we once more come to the story of Princess Shell and Prince Rufus, both trying in vain to get their way, and unaware that the other is trying to do the exact same thing. Poor Court Jester Palmer is hungry….and caught in the middle.”

(shell and rufus are still at the dinner table, and neither of them are really eating. in fact, they’re kind of quiet.)

Princess Shell: “……….so…………”

Prince Rufus: *sipping mountain dew* “…s…o….”

Court Jester Palmer: “……..Can I have something to eat?”

Prince Rufus: *turns to him* “Are you still here?”

Court Jester Palmer: *looks around* “Um, yeah.”

Prince Rufus: “Well at least stay quiet.”

Court Jester Palmer: “But I’m hungry! Can I at least have a tic tac?”

Prince Rufus: *sweat drops* “Tic tacs?!”

Princess Shell: “….There are no tic tacs.”

Prince Rufus: “He didn’t say tics tacs…” *more sweat drops* “He said…uh….Big Macs, yeah.”

Narrator: *mutters something about that not being invented*

Princess Shell: “He clearly said tics tacs!”

Prince Rufus: “Um………no?”

Princess Shell: “Wait a minute! Come to think of it!!” *takes out another ‘pill’ and frowns* “I thought this tasted a bit too minty to be a pill!”

Court Jester Palmer: “Actually it’s wintergreen.”

Princess Shell: “Did you replace my birth control pills with TICS TACS?!”

Prince Rufus: *gasp* “What are you suggesting?! Those haven’t been invented yet!”

Princess Shell: “You bastard! How could you!?”

Court Jester Palmer: “I’d settle for Mountain Dew.”

Prince Rufus: *hisses* “What?!”

Princess Shell: “Uh……….he said……um….Fountain Stew.”

Prince Rufus: “That’s *never* been invented! You’re trying to screw up my boys, aren’t you?!”

Princess Shell: *sneers* “Yeah, that’s right! I’d never want to have the children of a lying, conniving bastard like you anyway!” *stalks over to him*

Prince Rufus: “Well guess what! I would never want such a stuck up, cunning, money grubbing bitch to have my kids in the first place!!!” *stalks over to her*

(both of them are in each other’s faces, glaring at one another, almost nose to nose, panting)

Prince Rufus: “And you know what?!”

Princess Shell: “What?!”

Prince Rufus: “I have never been so turned on in my life!”

Princess Shell: “Me neither!!”

Both: “…………..”

Prince Rufus: *as though they had never been angry* “So what are we just standing here for?”

Princess Shell: “Take me right now, you bastard!”

(they start going at it. court jester palmer goes over and starts eating the tics tacs)

Miller Kiros’ voice: “Ward says we’re outta bubble bath!!!!”

Narrator: “……And so Princess Shell and Prince Rufus resolved their differences in a rather….intimate manner. Meanwhile, Lizzylocks and Laguna, President of Ether, returned to the Garden Student’s home the next day to claim the house as their own.”

(Lizzylocks and prez-laguna approach the door. behind them is a large crew of reporters. Lizzylocks knocks angrily on the door)

Lizzylocks: “Little bears, little bears, let me in!”

Zellbear: “You just try and we’ll summon Odin!” *laughs* “Heh heh, I made that up myself, Squall!”

Squallbear: “We can’t summon Odin, you dumbass.”

Zellbear: *stops laughing* “…Oh yeah.”

Lizzylocks: “Open up right now you cowardly bears!”

Prez-Laguna: “Hey hey! I’m President of Ether!”

Zellbear: “Ooh! They make comics!”

Rinoabear: “Zell! No!”

Narrator: “But Zellbear was so thrilled at the prospect of seeing the man who published his favorite comics that he opened the door.”

Zellbear: “Hi! I’m Zell! I like comics!”

Lizzylocks: *shoves him outta the way* “Ha ha! I claim this house!”

Squallbear: “One more step and I’ll summon Eden!”

Lizzylocks: “You don’t have the guts! I have a ton of reporters outside! Your Garden will get bad publicity!”

Rinoabear: *gasps* “Oh no! Not that!”

Zellbear: “I like Archie comics.”

Prez-Laguna: “Hey hey! Me too!”

Lizzylocks: “LAGUNA! You’re not helping!”

Prez-Laguna: “Uh, sorry, Lizzylocks.”

Squallbear: “Whatever.”

Prez-Laguna: “I know that catchline!”

Narrator: “And so the President of Ether ran in to see the source of that voice, and low and behold, twas his long lost son, Squall!”

Prez-Laguna: “Squall! Son! It’s been so long!” *hugs squall*

Squallbear: “That’s because I disowned you, you moron!”

Prez-Laguna: “I love you, son!”

Rinoabear: “Aw……..”

Zellbear: “Can I have free comics?”

Lizzylocks: “Laguna! Come on! We’re going to take this house, remember?”

Prez-Laguna: “We can’t! My *son* lives here!”

Squallbear: “Oh crap.” *sighs* “Yeah, *dad*. You’re right. You can’t take the house your *son* lives in away.” *twitch*

Lizzylocks: “This just sucks!”

Prez-Laguna: “Hey hey, everyone! Come on! Free comics for all!”

Narrator: “And so everyone was appeased with free comics. Zellbear got his Archie comics, Rinoabear got Josie and the Pussycats, and even Lizzylocks was happy.”

Lizzylocks: “I *love* Johnny the Homicidal Maniac!”

Narrator: “And so it amazingly ended happy for all there. We will now skip to the story of Katiel and Prince Irvine, and their young but strangely mature daughter Eikomiel, who was ordered to bring Nida-the-reject-frog to the evil Scarsula in return for becoming a mermaid.”

Eikomiel: “Mommy, would you be mad at me if I became a mermaid?”

Katiel: *chokes on her dinner* “What?! You can’t become a mermaid! I went through a lot of trouble to become a human! That’s…whatcha call it…irony or something.”

Nida-the-reject-frog: *mutters* “Not to mention that this is a total rip off of The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea.”

Prince Irvine: “One more word and you’re target practice, froggy!”

Eikomiel: “You didn’t like being a mermaid, mommy?”

Katiel: “Living in the sea was okay, but living on the land is much more fun! After all, you can’t make a fire in the sea!”

Eikomiel: “You can’t?”

Prince Irvine: “And you can’t shoot guns neither.”

Eikomiel: “Oh no!”

Katiel: “You see, honey, it’s much better to be a human. Besides, there is no way to make you a mermaid anyway.”

Eikomiel: “No, some fish lady in a slutty outfit said she could do it if I brought her Nida-the-reject-frog.”

Prince Irvine and Katiel: *choke*

Katiel: “Was her name Scarsula!?”

Eikomiel: “Yeah!”

Prince Irvine: “But I killed her!”

Katiel: “Evil things never die once! You know that! You should have cut her head off!”

Prince Irvine: “Dammit, you’re right.” *garden snap*

Katiel: “Why did she want Nida-the-reject-frog?”

Eikomiel: *shrugs* “She said she finds him amusing.”

Nida-the-reject-frog: “Ha! See! Someone likes me!”

Eikomiel: “But I don’t wanna be a mermaid anymore so it doesn’t matter.”

Prince Irvine: “Hmm….But I’m not one to pass off an offer to dump Nida-the-reject-frog.”

Nida-the-frog-reject: “But I thought you found me amusing!”

Prince Irvine: “That was a passing fancy.”

Narrator: “So Prince Irvine gathered his family, put Nida-the-reject-frog in a shoebox, and went down to the sea to see Scarsula.”

Scarsula: “Have you returned little—-ack! Why have you all returned!?”

Prince Irvine: “We heard you want Nida-the-reject-frog.”

Scarsula: “Yes…that’s true. Why?”

Katiel: “Well Eikomiel decided she didn’t want to be a mermaid anymore….but…we will let you have him *if* you promise us one thing.”

Scarsula: “What?!”

Narrator: “And so it was promised that Scarsula would stay far away from the family forever and ever as long as Scarsula got Nida-the-reject-frog. Steinersem and Vivison were also allowed to go free, even though it took many hours of convincing to get Steinersem to back off. These days he works as a bodyguard for King Baritron. As for Vivison, he spent many years searching for where he came from. So all ended happily there, except for Nida-the-reject-frog, who, promptly after Prince Irvine’s family left the beach, was fried and eaten. Scarsula claimed it was the most special meal she ever had. Meanwhile, in the once kingdom of “Grooviness”, the once King Reno has lost everything, except Court Aide Red the XIIIth, who stuck by his side.”

(king reno is sitting on a rock in the woods)

King Reno: “This sucks.”

Court Aide Red the XIIIth: “I’m sorry you lost everything, your highness.”

King Reno: “That was a damn good party though…. ….And stop calling me your highness. I’m nothing but a loser.” *pouts*

Court Aide Red the XIIIth: “If it’s an consolation, sire, I managed to save this shoe box, even though a few of the police dogs growled suspiciously at me.”

King Reno: “Shoe box?!?!?!?!?!?!” *takes it and peeks inside* “Court Aide Red the XIIIth! Do you know what’s in here?!”

Court Aide Red the XIIIth: “I know they’re drugs, sir, my nose does work *exceedingly* well.”

King Reno: “They’re drugs! We can get high!!”

Court Aide Red the XIIIth: “….Or we can sell the drugs and get the kingdom back.”

Narrator: “After much convincing, King Reno agreed to sell the drugs. Once restored to his throne, he received a letter from his ex-wife Noelle telling him she had married Blank, her grape feeder, and they had set up their own kingdom on an island off the coast. King Reno pouted about losing his chick for awhile, but he soon met a Playboy bunny named Aeris, who he married for her two brains. Meanwhile, in another kingdom, the horrible, wretched, cold hearted Reevston and Vinrese, the Prince Sephiroth portrait collector, arrived at the castle where Prince Seifer lived.”

Reevston: “…I think I’m gonna cry.”

Vinrese: *pats him on the shoulder* “There there.”

Reevston: “The Narrator is so mean!”

Vinrese: “Now, now, let’s just knock on the door and soon this story will be over and done with.”

Narrator: “And so the door was knocked upon, and the door was opened.”

Quistis: “Wallet Inspector.”

Vinrese: “Wallet Inspector?”

Selphie: *shoves quistis aside* “Don’t mind her! Welcome to the castle! May I help you? Tee hee!”

Vinrese: “I am looking for my daughter, Ashley. I hear she has married the Prince of this castle.”

Selphie: “Oh wow! Yeah! Come in!”

Quistis: *looking at reevston* “You’re bad.”

Reevston: *starts crying* “Just leave me alone!”

Quistis: *blinks*

Selphie: “I’ll get the master and mistress for you!” *runs upstairs*

Quistis: “So, like I said before: wallet inspector.”

Vinrese: “…I don’t really trust you.”

Narrator: “Luckily, before Quistis could rob the visitors blind, Prince Seifer and Princess Ashley descended the stairs.”

Princess Ashley: “Father! It really is you!” *hugs him* “Ooh!” *notices shopping bags* “And you brought presents!”

Vinrese: *sweat drops* “Yeah… That’s what I did. It’s very nice to see you again, my dear.”

Prince Seifer: *giving reevston a weird look* “…Didn’t I kick your ass?”

Reevston: “I’m a nice guy! I swear! It’s the Narrator! I’m being made to do things I would never do!”

Prince Seifer: “Is that so…??”

Narrator: “Um, no?”

Reevston: “Liar!”

Prince Seifer: “No one takes advantage of my subjects!!!!” *takes out gunblade*

Narrator: “I was just doing my job!!!”

(prince seifer runs off to beat the narrator. we hear the sounds someone getting the crap beat out of them, and everyone else winces from time to time)

Prince Seifer: *returns* “Don’t worry, Reevston, you’re safe now.”

Reevston: *grovels* “Thank you, your highness!”

Princess Ashley: “I’m so glad we’re all together again.”

Vinrese: “Do you think you could find places to hang my pictures?”

Narrator: *struggles to stand* “And so…. They lived happily ever after in their stupid little castle that soon became full of portraits of Prince Sephiroth. Speaking of Prince Sephiroth, the fairies had gone to counsel Princess Lark on her heart wrenching situation.”

Fairy Elena: “Come on, Lark! You must have *some* clue!”

Princess Lark: *crying* “No! I don’t!”

Fairy Tseng: “This is worse than we thought.”

Princess Lark: “All these people are going to die because of me!” *sobs*

Fairy Rude: *taps foot* “You know, if Tseng had never cast that stupid spell on her when she was born, she’d have pricked her finger on that spindle and be *dead* and we wouldn’t have this problem.”

Fairy Elena: *eyes widen* “Omg, Rude, you’re right!”

Fairy Rude: “Of course I’m right. Now can I have some pants?”

Fairy Elena: “Tseng! What was the exact spell you put on Princess Lark after Millif-Hojo cast that spell on her!?”

Fairy Tseng: “I said I proclaim that when she pricked her finger on the spinning wheel she’d fall into a deep sleep, only to be awakened by the kiss of her true love.”

Fairy Elena: *grinning* “And who awakened her?”

Fairy Tseng: “Prince Seph–” *stops and gasps* “Omg! Elena! You’re a genius! If I wasn’t gay I’d kiss you!”

Fairy Elena: “You can kiss me anyway!”

(she leans foward to be kissed, but falls flat on her face as fairy tseng rushes to lark’s side)

Fairy Tseng: “Princess Lark! Prince Sephiroth must be your true love! He was the one who awakened you from your slumber, and thus your only true love.”

Princess Lark: *wipes away tears* “…My only true love….” *thinks a moment* “…You know… …you’re right. I do love him. I love him so much I was scared it couldn’t be true.”

Fairy Rude: “Hurry! Go tell him and end this madness!”

Narrator: “And so the Princess ran through the corridors of the vast castle, and even though her legs grew weary, she did not stop until she had reached her husband’s chamber. Prince Sephiroth had a black piece of paper in his hand, the very orders to summon meteor. When he saw his wife enter, panting and with her hair all out of place, he looked upon her, trying in vain to hide his affection, but it simply was a useless effort.”

Prince Sephiroth: “Lark…? What are you doing here?” *goes to her side* “You’re out of breath! Is something the matter?”

Princess Lark: *shakes her head* “No, nothing is the matter. I want you to stop the war.”

Prince Sephiroth: “I’m afraid I cannot do that. I hold the very power to summon meteor in my hand.”

Narrator: “But within a flash, Princess Lark snatched the document and tore it in two, letting the pieces of black paper flutter to the floor.”

Prince Sephiroth: “What have you done?! What am I to do now?!”

Princess Lark: *cups his face in her hands* “There need not be any war. You are the only man I love. I only strayed because I felt that I was nothing more than a trophy for you to protect. But now I know you love me, and yes, gods, my beautiful Prince…. I love you too.”

Prince Sephiroth: “Oh, my love, if I had ten years to profess my love for you, I believe I would not even be half done when my time was up.” *kisses her*

(the fairies are watching)

Fairy Tseng: *crying* “That’s so beautiful!”

Fairy Rude: “How about we buy some *pants* to celebrate?!”

Narrator: “And so the war was brought to an immediate halt, and even though Prince Zidane was a little sour about that whole thing, he and Prince Sephiroth put aside their differences and grew to be close friends. And Fairy Rude got his long awaited wish, when, that same year, Fairy Elena and Fairy Tseng pitched in and bought him some pants for his birthday. And so, dear reader, as you often hear at the end of tales such as these, I must say in conclusion, that they all lived happily ever after. …Well, except for Nida-the-reject-frog, who was eaten, you may recall.” *sighs* “All right. I’m done. I need to lay down for awhile.”

(we return to the ramble room, where a bunch of people are laying around, asleep. but most notably are lark and sephiroth, cuddled together on the couch, a crumpled piece of black paper lying on the floor below.)

And So You May Have Heard….

They Lived Happily Ever After

(at least, of course, till the next ramble)


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One Response to #70 – Back To The Book: Final Fairy Tales II

  1. Aruu says:

    If you’re still keeping tabs on this place, you left Lizzy as ‘Amiel’.

    Found this little archive yesterday and have spent most of my free time reading through the rambles. Takes me back!

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