#69 – An Irvine In the Hand Is Worth 7 In the Barn

Lark: *out of breath* “I gotta marry into *this* family!!”

Originally Published: 1/22/01 . 44 pages

Synopsis
Yee haw! The ramble gang is off for a stay in the country with Irvine’s family! The ramble girls fall all over Irvine’s handsome brothers, and the guys aren’t liking this one bit! But Irvine’s Pa called the gang for some help! Someone’s been stealing their prized cattle! Can the ramble gang solve the case and save the farm?

Ramble Milestones

-First appearance of the Myterry Machanie
-First appearance of the Kinneas Brothers
-First appearance of Cousin Maxwell and his clan (And also “That cow is dead!”)
The beginning of this ramble was written by myself and four of the other five ramble girls. I used to find it much more amusing back then than I do now. Although I still do enjoy the scene where Shell calls Houston the wrong name and of course there’s the introduction of Cousin Maxwell. This ramble is more of a classic because of the characters it gives us (the Kinneas brothers, Cousin Maxwell, grandpa, Bessie and Flossy) rather than the actual content. How could you not love those charismatic Kinneas brothers?

   (lark, Ashley, shell, Noelle, Katie, Lizzie, rinoa, reeve and tseng are in the room. cheesy 70’s porn music is playing, and the guys are all hidden around the room. the girls don’t notice. there are shopping bags everywhere. obviously, reeve and tseng are the only ones not hiding)

Ashley: “Let’s show off our bras!”

(all the girls take their shirts off)

Katie: “Shell, where’d you get that diamond bra?”

Shell: “Victoria’s Secret.”

Ashley: “Their dressing room is like a French whore house.”

Shell: “I feel sexy!” *moves* “Ow! It cut me!!” *whines* “I feel sexy…”

Noelle: “I love my new push up bra! It makes my boobs look bigger than they are.”

Girls: *pitying looks*

Noelle: “Shut up!” *pouts*

Katie: “Look at my jingle bra! It has bells in all the right places! Look, it jingles when I bounce!” *starts jumping up and down*

Lark: “Katie, stop jumping. You’re falling out of it.”

Katie: “My cup runneth over!”

Ashley: “I don’t need any padding.” *struts in front of the mirror in her black lace bra*

Lizzie: “I love leather!” *wearing leather bra with spikes*

Lark: *modeling a red sparkly one* “What do you think of this one, Tseng?”

Tseng: *casually* “Very nice. What do you think, Reeve?”

Reeve: *trying not to drool* “All the girls look great. Really, *really* great.”

Noelle: “This wonder bra feels really great.”

Shell: *squeezes* “Oh yeah! It does!”

Voice from behind the couch: *moans*

Lark: “Zell?! Is that you?! Get out from behind the couch!”

Zell: “Oooh… I can’t.”

(lark grabs him by the ear and drags him out)

Lark: “Is that a hot dog in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

Zell: “Uh…. I gotta go.” *runs out*

Shell: “I’m bleeding in 8 places, but I look damn good doing it!”

Lizzie: “How did you afford that, Shell?”

Shell: “Rude’s credit card.”

Rude: *from the closet* “I can see Shell’s boobs whenever I want.”

Reno: *besides him* “No you can’t, man.”

Shell: “Is that Rude?”

(opens closet door and spots rude. reno hides behind rufus’ hung up trench coat)

Shell: “Rude!”

Rude: “Whoops.”

Shell: *drags rude out* “Better look now, Rude, because it’s the most you’re ever going to see of this bra.”

Rude: “You’re covering my eyes, Shell.”

Shell: “And that $400.”

Rude: “Oh…. Yes, Shell.”

Noelle: “Hey, do you see something else in the closet?”

Lizzie: “Huh?” *trips and one of the spikes goes through Noelle’s wonder bra*

Noelle: “Oh no! It’s starting to leak!”

Lizzie: “I’m sorry!”

Reno: “Ow! It burns! It’s not water!”

Noelle: “Reno!” *drags him out*

Reno: “Nothing I’ve never seen before.”

Noelle: *smacks him*

(barret and cid come in chasing red)

Girls: *scream and cover up*

Barret: “What? You punks implyin’ we wanna have sex with teenage girls?”

Cid: “#$%$&%#$&@$%@#^$%^@#!!”

Noelle: “That’s right. Cid’s a gentleman.”

Red: “Of course you wish to have sex with teenage girls. That’s why there is a law.”

Barret: “Yo, foo! That’s dirty – you perverted snow owl! But dis sho’ am good!”

Katie: “Get out, get out! Ew!”

Barret: “Aw, damn.”

(barret, cid and red leave)

Kiro’s voice: “Ward says you’re all sexy!”

(silence)

Kiro’s voice: “Wow! You actually agreed!”

Laguna’s voice: “Hey hey! What’s going on here? Whoa! Lookin’ sharp, Lizzie! Get it? Sharp? Hahahahahaha!”

Lizzie: “Are you behind the mirror?”

Laguna’s voice: “Uh…no! Squall! You’re too young to be seeing this, son!”

Squall’s voice: “Whatever.”

Lizzie: *gasps* “It’s a two way mirror!”

Rinoa: “Squall!”

(Lizzie goes back there and you hear beating and soft cries)

Laguna’s voice: “Is it wrong that this is turning me on?”

(Lizzie comes back in looking pleased with herself)

Ashley: *walks under the vent where seifer is* “I think I like this one.”

(seifer tries to lean over to see her cleavage, and just ends up falling through the vent onto Ashley)

Ashley: “Ow! Seifer!”

Seifer: “I can get a great view now!”

Ashley: “EW!” *drags seifer out*

(elena enters)

Elena: “Hey, guys! I’m just here to check the connections.”

Lark: “Connections?”

Elena: “Yeah, for the cam–er…nothing.”

Reeve: “Ack! The camera!”

Tseng: “Rufus…”

Lark: “Rufus has a camera, huh?”

Elena: “Uh….I’ll just cut the wires.”

Lark: “You do that.”

(elena cuts the wires)

Rufus’ voice: *from upstairs* “Aw, dammit! That Reeve! He can’t hook anything up right!”

Reeve: “I can so!” *pouts*

Elena: “Um… I’m gonna go…lie to him.” *leaves*

Lark: “You think that’s all the guys?”

Katie: “Lark, your bra is making a mess.” *points to sequins all over the floor*

Lark: “Yeah, you’re right. I better take it off.”

Reeve: “Oh good god.” *covers eyes*

Lark: *goes to take it off*

Sephiroth: *tries to lean over and see but knocks over the garbage pail* “Oh crap.”

Bear: *from garbage can* “I…….love……..you….Lark……….”

Lark: “Do you hear something?”

Bear: “I……….love you……..Lark…..”

Sephiroth: *a million sweat drops*

Bear: “I………love…….you……Lar……..k.”

Lark: “It sounds like ‘I love you–‘”

Sephiroth: “Aw, hell!” *grabs bear and shoves it back into the garbage futher*

Lark: *blinks*

Sephiroth: *sweat drops* “Don’t mind me. Eh heh.” *tries to go back*

Lark: “SEPHIROTH!!!”

…………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, to sicken you all, in loser land…)

Kuja: *modeling women’s lingerie* “How do I look?”

Hojo: *drools* “Magnificent.”

Nida: *covers eyes* “Gross!”

Scarlet: “Isn’t that *my* bra?”

Kuja: “No.” *holds up one covered in cigarette burns* “This is.”

Scarlet: “Oh right!” *takes it* “I was looking for this!”

(suddenly heidegger parades out–and i’m sorry everyone–in a thong….and his chest hair has been…braided)

Scarlet: “Holy French whore!”

Nida: “I think I’m gonna be sick!” *dives behind the couch*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m wearing Sir Stringy the 3rd!”

Scarlet: “Ugh! Stop grossing us all out, ya freak!” *shields eyes*

Heidegger: “I even braided my chest hair! Gya haa haa!”

Kuja: *flips hair back* “Like he’s got anything on me.”

Hojo: “He doesn’t have anything on a *hippo*, my darling.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Speak for yourself!”

Scarlet: “He ain’t speaking for himself. That’s for damn sure!”

Nida: *from behind the couch* “Make him put clothes on!”

Heidegger: “No! I’m comfortable! Gya haa haa!” *sits*

Hojo: “If you don’t leave, we will.” *gets up* “Get dressed, my pet, and we will leave this freak alone.”

Kuja: “All right, but you know it takes me a long time to dress.” *goes into another room*

Nida: “Hurry the hell up!”

All: “…………….”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Who’s up for tiddly winks?”

Hojo: *grabs lab coat* “Okay, that’s it, angel, we’re leaving without you!”

Scarlet: “Good.”

Nida: “Help me!!”

(they all leave, and then kuja runs out, smoothing his hair)

Kuja: “No wait! I’m ready! Please don’t leave me!!!” *runs out*

Heidegger: *stretches out on the couch* “More room for me! Gya haa haa!”

…………………………………………………………………..

(now that you’re done shuddering–we return to the ramble room where the girls have dressed, and are sitting around with the unhappy guys)

Reno: “Uh….so, can you do that again sometime?”

Noelle: *smacks him*

(then irvine comes running in looking happy)

Reno: “There ya are, man! Did ya see it?”

Irvine: *blinks* “See what?”

Reno: “Oh man! Sucks to be you!”

Irvine: “Um, okay. So anyway, I just got off the phone with my family!”

Everyone: *blinks*

Zell: “You have a family?”

Irvine: “Sure! I got my Ma and Pa and ol’ Gramps, and all my brothers: Dallas, Houston, Austin, Calorado, San Diego, and Billy Bob!”

Squall: “That’s some hick family.”

Laguna: “Hey hey, son!”

Squall: *mutters* “Better than mine.”

Irvine: “Anyways, I was talkin’ and I told them all about you guys, and now they want you guys to come an’ visit the farm.”

Ashley: “Are your brothers good looking?”

Irvine: “People say they look like me.”

Girls: “LET’S GO RIGHT NOW!”

Rinoa: “Wow, 7 kids. That’s a pretty big family, Irvine.”

Irvine: “Yeah, my ma was a little hard o’ hearing. My dad would say ‘you wanna go to bed or what?’ And my ma would say ‘what’?”

Rinoa: “Uh huh.” *sweat drops*

………………………………………………………………….

(so they all go outside to the van…which has myterry machanie painted on the side)

Lark: “What the hell is that?”

Seifer: “Reno was drunk off his ass when he painted it.”

Tseng: “Proof Reno can’t do anything besides screw when he’s drunk.”

Reno: *crosses arms* “Like you would know.”

Noelle: “Reno sucks.”

Ashley: “Isn’t it supposed to be ‘mystery machine’?”

Reno: “Yes, shut up! Just get in!”

Squall: “You’re bringing Angelo?”

Rinoa: “Yes! She’ll love the farm!” *pets angelo*

Squall: “Can I feed her?”

Rinoa: *sigh* “Yes, Squall.”

Zell: “Let’s rock and roll!”

Seifer: “Shut *up*, chicken-wuss!”

……………………………………………………………….

(so, we’re in the van, and Noelle is rubbing rude’s head and singing)

Noelle: *sings* “Mr. Clean gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute! Now it’s even stronger cause there’s *ultra* power in it!”

Rude: “Stop it. It’s not funny.”

Shell: “Leave Rude alone!”

Reeve: *cough* “Tseng. Hand.”

Tseng: “Um… That’s not mine.”

Zell: “Ack! That’s *your* leg? I thought it was Lark’s!”

Lark: “Zell! Then whose hand is this then?”

Sephiroth: *takes hand off* “Not mine.”

Reno: “Come on! Sing!” *sings* “99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer! Take one down, give it to *me*! 98 bottles of beer on the wall!…”

Rufus: “Oh god, shut him up!”

Noelle: “I don’t like this! Sing something else!”

Reno: “Okay, how about this?” *sings* “‘Do’ the stuff I buy beer with. ‘Rei’ the guy I buy it from! ‘Mi’, the one I buy beer for. ‘Fa’, the distance to the store! ‘So’, I think I’ll have a beer. ‘La’, la la la la la la! ‘Ti’, no thanks, I’ll have a beer, which’ll bring us back to do, do, do, do!”

Rufus: “Oh god.”

Irvine: “I like it!”

Lark: “Whose hand is this?!”

Sephiroth: *removes it* “I don’t *know*! Probably Irvine, that man whore!”

Irvine and Reno: “Did someone call for a man whore?”

Lark: “Not yet.”

Sephiroth: *annoyed sigh*

Seifer: “Rinoa, your dog…”

Angelo: *evil growling*

Rinoa: “I don’t understand. She’s never done this before! Not even to my cranky, tight ass dad!”

Seifer: “Ack! She’s trying to bite me!”

Squall: “Ha ha, Seifer!”

Angelo: *bites seifer*

Seifer: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Ashley: “Seifer, I’m trying to sleep! Keep it down!”

Seifer: “I have animal teeth DIGGING INTO MY ARM! I’m bleeding!”

Ashley: *getting comfy* “Yeah, that’s nice.”

(all the sudden there’s a loud pop and lots of smoke coming from the engine)

Cid: “@#$@#^#^#$&$#^%$%!@#$%%#$%@$%(#@$&%!(&!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Barret: “Damn straight, foo!”

Katie: “Oh no! The car’s broken!”

Lizzie: “This sucks.”

Kiros: “Ward says he gets car sick!”

Ward: *gives kiros a look*

Kiros: “Oh right. That’s me.”

Red: “This is quite inconvenient.”

Barret: “Yo, I’ll get it started!”

Seifer: *ripping arm from angelo’s jaw* “I’ll help!”

(barret, cid and seifer go to help)

Lark: “Whose hand IS THIS?!?!?!”

Sephiroth: “It’s *mine*, okay?!”

Lark: “Oh, okay.”

Sephiroth: “……….Um, keep it there?”

Lark: “Whatever.”

Sephiroth: *grins*

Barret: “Yo, everyone! This engine’s overheated! It’ll be awhile before we can move again!”

Katie: “It’s not the only thing that’s overheated.” *takes irvine’s hand out of her shirt*

Irvine: “Oh come on, baby! I was just kiddin’! You’re the only one for me!”

Ashley: “Look, there’s a cabin up there!”

(Ashley and shell go up together, leaving everyone else behind. they see a guy outside playing hickish music on a banjo. his pants are too short, he has no shoes and a rope belt and he’s really dirty)

Ashley: *approaches with shell* “Excuse me…Mr…um…”

Hick: “You can jes call me Cuzin’ Maxwell purdy laaaaaaaaaaady.” *grins a toothless grin*

(it starts pouring rain)

Maxwell: “Why don’t you purdy gals come on inside, although I don’t want y’all to catch ringworms, I’d love to see you in your purdy little wet t-shirts.” *winks both eyes at the wrong time*

(Ashley and shell exchange looks and follow him in)

Shell: *to Ashley* “Why are we following him?”

Ashley: “I don’t know…”

(they enter the ramshackle cabin. it is very small with only 3 rooms and smells like lard and feet. there’s a toothless old man in a rocking chair in the corner by the fire. there’s an oddly still cow in the other corner)

Maxwell: “Well you purdy little wheat bags, I’ll go rustle ya up somethin’ to wear. Why don’t you chat with grampa for awhile?” *leaves*

Grandpa: *cackles*

Girls: *sweat drops*

Grandpa: “I gots to pass me some funky fumes!”

Girls: *race to the other side of the ‘house’*

Grandpa: “HOOEE! Now I gots me some swangin’ room!” *wiggles legs around*

Shell: “So, have you been a hick long?”

Grandpa: “All my life. You know, you kinda remind me of Momma.” *licks lips*

Ashley: “Isn’t that your daughter?”

Grandpa: *licks lips*

Girls: *shiver*

(maxwell returns with some rags in hand)

Maxwell: “Looks like I found you gals somethin’ purdy to wear! Jest like you’d find in one of them bootigues in Parrie. We was diggin ourselves a swimmin’ hole, and our dear departed Momma came floatin’ back up in the sewage. You’d look right purdy in her dress tho! Be careful, she died of diphtheria!”

(Ashley takes the dress and shudders. she puts it on over her outfit and it’s like 9 sizes too big)

Maxwell: “You look like a quarter of Momma.” *licks lips* “Ya’ll should meet Flossy!” *shows a picture of a dewy eyed, fluffy white sheep with pink bows*

Shell: “Oh, that looks cute! Can I meet it?”

Ashley: “Can I pet it?”

Maxwell: “Sure! Come on, Flossy! Someone wants to meet ya!”

(a sheep with one short leg, a tattered bow lying limply off it’s torn ear, one cloudy eye, and another eye that looks in the other direction comes out, and as it walks, clumps of wool fall to the ground)

Shell: “I think your sheep’s a little sick.”

Maxwell: “Yeah, well, she’s got about 8 of them what you call ’em, S-Q-Z’s.”

Ashley: “Don’t you mean STD’s?” *disgusted look*

Grandpa: *licks lips* “She served us well.”

Flossy: *baas and twitches*

Maxwell: “I wrote this purdy song fer ya, on account o’ you’re so loverly.” *starts playing same hickish song he played when they came up*

Shell: “Weren’t you playing that when we got here?”

Maxwell: “You city slickers think you’re so smart with your fancy city things like shoes and teeth.”

Grandpa: “And them there pencils that dun need sharpenin’.” *scowls*

Girls: *exchange looks* “Yeah, and that.”

Maxwell: “You’ve disgraced our family enough! You step outta that fine garment, it’s too good for the likes of you, city slicker!”

Ashley: *steps out of mu-mu easily and it falls to the ground* “No problem.”

(they start to leave)

Maxwell: “And to think I thought you were purdier than my best cow Bessie!”

Shell: “The cow’s *dead*!”

Maxwell: *violent sobbing*

(the girls race back to the van)

Lark: “So how was it in there?”

Girls: *scared looks*

Ashley: *wraps arms around seifer* “Don’t let go! Don’t let go!”

Shell: *grabs rude’s arm* “Let me see all your teeth! All of them!”

Rude: *smiles insecurely*

Barret: “Yo, the van’s workin’ again! Let’s go!”

(they all get back in)

Noelle: *starts singing mr clean song*

Rude: “Oh no. Irvine, how much longer?”

Irvine: “About 3 hours.”

Rude: “Oh……”

Reno: “Sing it! 99 bottles of beer on the wall….”

Rufus: “Three whole hours… Reeve! Entertain me!”

Reeve: “What the hell do you want me to do?”

Rufus: “I don’t know. Never mind. I’m cranky. Shut up.”

Tseng: “What else is new?”

Rufus: “Shut up, Tseng.”

………………………………………………………..

(3 hrs later…)

Noelle: “If one more bottle of beer falls off that wall I’m gonna–”

Irvine: “We’re here!”

Noelle: “Whoo hoo!” *jumps out window*

(it’s a beautiful ranch)

Irvine: “Hey, we’re here! Belreve at last!”

Tseng: “That means beautiful Reeve, doesn’t it?” *sweat drops* “Er…”

Irvine: “Actually, it means beautiful *dream*.”

(then 9 guys come out of the house. one is an old man, one is middle aged, one is really ugly and the rest are freakin’ hot)

Girls: *drool*

Irvine: “Everyone meet my family. This is Gramps. my Pa, and my brothers: Houston, Dallas, Austin, Calorado, San Diego, and Billy Bob. Look guys, these are the sluts–er….girls I was tellin’ you about.”

Lizzie: “They’re all hot…except Billy Bob.”

Billy Bob: *waves weird* “Billy Bob!”

Pa: “We don’t know what happened with Billy Bob. I put some turpentine in Ma’s tea by accident when she was with child.”

Lark: “I think San Diego is hot.”

Other girls: “He must be gay.”

San Diego: *puts on mascara* “Hi-i!”

Pa: “I have 6 ladies men…and one…man’s man. We cursed him from birth.”

San Diego: *to reeve* “Well howdy! How do you get your hair so nice?”

Reeve: *sweat drops*

Tseng: *glares*

(austin goes over to Noelle)

Austin: “Well hey there, sexy.”

Reno: “Hey! She used to be mine!”

Austin: “Well she ain’t anymore!”

Noelle: “Damn skippy! Austin’s sexalicious!”

(houston goes up to shell)

Houston: “Are you from Tennessee? Cause you’re the only ten I see!”

Shell: “That don’t impress me much.”

Houston: “Want this ring?”

Shell: “That does.” *shoots a look at rude*

(cal goes up to Katie)

Cal: “Howdy.”

Katie: “Could you teach me how to lasso a real cowboy?”

Cal: “I could teach ya more than that.”

(dallas goes over to Ashley)

Dallas: “Hey there, pretty momma. You know, where I come from we got 125 different words for my kinda lovin’.”

Ashley: “Would you mind enhancing my vocabulary?”

Dallas: “I’ll enhance more than that.”

Ashley: “I don’t think you need any enhancing.”

(billy bob goes over to Lizzie)

Billy Bob: “Can I barn toss ya?”

Lizzie: “What the hell is that?”

Billy Bob: “That’s when I take a bale o’ hay an–”

Lizzie: “Never mind! I don’t wanna know!”

San Diego: “So you’re Reeve, huh?”

Reeve: “Uh, yeah.”

San Diego: “You know, we named it Belreve cause we knew you was coming.” *winks*

Reeve: *blushes*

Tseng: “Yeah. Sure.” *frowns*

Irvine: “So, Lark, you’re my best gal, ain’t ya?”

Lark: “Course I am, lover.” *grins*

Irvine: “Well yee haw.” *grins and puts an arm around her*

Sephiroth: *fumes*

Pa: “Now that ya’ll got yourselves acquainted, I need to tell ya’ll why I brought ya’s here.”

(everyone goes into the house. by the fire is ma, all shriveled and old, in her wedding dress)

Irvine: “Hey, Ma!”

Ma: “………………”

Irvine: “Ma! It’s me, Irvine, your youngest son!”

Lark: “Hey, Irvine, I just remembered…. Aren’t you an orphan?”

Irvine: *shifty eyes* “No… Actually, I made that all up to just shut Rinoa up. It’s the GF.”

Rinoa: “Wait, what?”

Pa: “Why don’t you people get all settled down and then you can come down to dinner and I’ll explain why I called ya here.”

(austin grins at Noelle)

Austin: “You can freshin’ up in my room. I’ll help you wash up for dinner.” *winks*

Noelle: *grins dreamily* “Okay….”

(houston turns to shell)

Houston: “I’ll show you the family jewels.”

Shell: “Oh, you have a vault here?”

Houston: *shifty eyes* “Yeah, that’s it.”

Rude: “I don’t trust him.”

Shell: “Shut up, Rude! He’s showin’ me his jewels!”

(cal turns to Katie)

Cal: “If I told ya you had a great body, would you hold it against me?”

Katie: *giggles* “I’ll do more than that.”

(dallas turns to Ashley)

Dallas: “All those curves and me with no brakes.”

Ashley: *grins* “That’s okay, my shocks are out.” *winks*

Seifer: “I don’t have any brakes either, Ashley.”

Ashley: “Quiet, Seifer, you’ve already stalled.”

Seifer: “Hey, I’m the bumpiest ride you’ll ever have!”

Ashley: *rolls eyes and walks off with dallas*

Billy Bob: “I like blonde hair.” *pets Lizzie*

Lizzie: “Get off me, you freak!”

Billy Bob: “Wanna wrastle? Bet I can make you squeal like a piggy.”

Lizzie: “Ew! Laguna, he’s more perverted than Kiros!”

Kiros: “That’s not me! It’s Ward!”

San Diego: *runs hand up reeve’s arm* “Wanna come upstairs? It’s the YMCA–young, male country animal.” *growls*

Reeve: “Um, I’m straight.”

San Diego: “Sure you are.” *drags him upstairs*

Tseng: “What the hell?! If he gets any before I do… I… I’m gonna cry.”

Sephiroth: “I hear you, man.”

Irvine: “Hey, Lark, let’s go look an’ see if there’s anything good in the fridge.”

Lark: “Um, okay.”

(irvine drags her to the fridge, rufus and seph follow. irvine opens the fridge and its full of whipped cream, chocolate syrup, beer and nutella. and that’s it)

Lark: “Boy, you must have really high sugar levels around here.” *sweat drops*

Rufus: “Oh good god.”

Irvine: “Great! We can use some of this later!” *turns to see rufus and seph* “Okay, you two cannot join in.”

Sephiroth: “Don’t flatter yourself, cowboy geek.”

Rufus: *pales*

Irvine: “I was just jokin’, Rufus.” *pause* “Rufus?”

Lark: “Ever since that doujinshi with him and Reno, he just hasn’t been the same.”

(the girls go off into their respective guy’s rooms, and reeve goes into san diego’s. sometime later, the guys file down the hallway, frowning. suddenly they hear a noise from dalla’s room)

Ashley’s voice: “OH GOD YES!! I NEVER KNEW IT COULD BE THIS WAY!!!”

Seifer: *growls* “*I* never made her do that…”

Ashley’s voice: “OH, DALLAS IS MY FAVORITE STATE!”

Dalla’s voice: “It’s a city…”

Ashley’s voice: “WHATEVER! OH!”

Seifer: *twitches*

(next noises from Cal’s room)

Katie: “TAKE ME! TAKE ME! GO ON, SAY IT!”

Cal: “Your body is mine! YEE HAW!”

(noises from austin’s room)

Noelle: “OH BABY! I’M AT THE TOP OF THE LONE STAR STATE!”

Austin: “I’ll give ya a full tour a’ Texas!”

Reno: “I was better. I can tell by the emotion in her voice.” *tear*

(all you can hear from billy bob’s room is a brief scuffle, then the sound of a vase breaking, then Lizzie comes out, brushing her hands off)

Lizzie: “Hey, boys.” *walks off*

(from houston’s room)

Shell: “Oh, Rude! Er…Antonio? Los Angeles? Ohio? Buffalo? Slovakia? Afghanistan?”

Houston: “Uh, no, it’s Houston, remember?”

Shell: “Oh yeah. Must be the heat.”

Houston: “I can get you hotter.”

Shell: “Yeah, sure you can.”

(from san diego’s room)

San Diego: “You are *cute*.”

Reeve: “Uh…..thanks.”

Tseng: *narrows eyes* “Don’t touch him, don’t touch him, don’t touch him! Er, I swear, I should just go in there!”

Reeve: *moans*

Tseng: “That’s it!” *goes in*

Guys: *sweat drops*

(from irvine’s room)

Irvine: “I’m the wildest ride in the west!”

Lark: “Damn straight!!!”

Sephiroth: *grits teeth* “Oh *yeah*, well I’m… I’m… yeah. The best ride on the planet!”

Rufus: “This trip sucks.”

(all the girls stumble out of the rooms at the same time sweating and out of breath. they’re followed by their respective kinneas brother who is adjusting his belt, fly, etc…)

Lark: *out of breath* “I gotta marry into *this* family!!”

(they all go down to dinner and sit)

Pa: “Now down to business.”

Kinneas brothers: “We just took care of that.”

Pa: “Anyway son, I called you back here with all your friends because the farm’s goin’ down.”

Seifer: “Apparently that’s not the only thing goin’ down around here.”

Pa: “Well I meant to say the farm was going under.”

Guys: *mumble* “Yeah, that too.”

Pa: “Someone has been stealing our prized cattle!”

Houston: “What kind of twisted jack rabbit would steal our prized cattle and try to send our family into ruin? They’re trying to ruin our good, untarnished name. Makes me sick.” *spits*

Shell: “That’s so manly! Rude can’t spit!”

Rude: *tries to spit but it hits rufus*

Rufus: “EW! I have another man’s spit on me!! Ew! Ew!”

Irvine: “You really scarred him for life, Lark.”

Lark: “Quiet, you.”

(dinner breaks off, and all the girls except lark, and all the kinneas brothers except irvine, plus reeve, rinoa and squall go off leaving lark, irvine and the other guys with pa, ma and gramps)

Seifer: *mutters* “What’s with Irvine’s stupid brothers? They’re not that hot.”

Tseng: “Yes they are.”

Rufus: “Shut up, Tseng.”

Lark: “So you’re the youngest, huh, Irvine?”

Irvine: “I sure am.”

Pa: “Yeah, Ma and I both had a little too much tequila that night!”

Irvine: *blinks* “You mean I was a mistake?”

Pa: *shifty eyes* “Uh….no.”

Lark: *blinks* “Uh, yeah. So are you close with all your brothers?”

Irvine: “Mostly. Except for Billy Bob. And San Diego. And Houston.”

Rude: “Why not Houston?”

Irvine: *shrugs* “He’s the oldest.”

Lark: “What is he, like 30?”

Irvine: “30! He’s 23! We were all born in a row!”

Lark: “In a row!? Your poor mother!”

Ma: *shakes finger at pa* “I told you!”

Pa: “Please don’t get her all fired up.”

Lark: “Uh…sorry.”

Gramps: *raises eyebrows at lark* “Hey there, cowgirl.”

Lark: *looks uncomfortable and mutters* “Irvine… Your grandfather’s hitting on me.”

Irvine: “Aw, pay him no mind. I’m gonna go get some stuff from the fridge, and then we can turn in for the night, all right?” *wink*

Lark: “All right.”

(irvine leaves)

Reno: “Hey, your sons don’t have any diseases, do they?”

Rufus: *mutters* “None you don’t already have, I’m sure.”

Reno: “I heard that!” *eyes narrow* “You know, Rufus, if you want to know for yourself…”

Rufus: *covers ears* “I can’t hear you! La, la, la! I can’t hear you, Reno!”

Reno: *laughs* “Now that’s funny.”

Gramps: “You’re such a purdy, perky young thing.” *raises eyebrows*

Lark: *shifts away* “Uh….thanks….I think.”

Sephiroth: “Hey, Lark, I could beat his ass if you want me too.”

Lark: “Uh, no. Thanks for the suggestion though, uh, Sephiroth.”

Irvine: *comes in* “Hey, Lark, I got whipped cream…” *wink*

Lark: “I love whipped cream!! I’ll lick it off anything.”

Irvine: “*Anything*?”

Lark: “I think I’ve proved that before.” *they leave*

Pa: “That’s my boy!”

Sephiroth: *mutters bad things about irvine*

Seifer: “So I guess we’re gonna go look out for any cattle stealin’ varmant tomorrow.” *gets up and stretches*

FF guys: *blink*

Seifer: “What?”

Barret: “Yo, you said ‘varmant’, yo! What’s that crap about!?”

Seifer: “I did not.”

Zell: “You did too!”

Seifer: “Leave me alone! I’m going to bed!!” *stomps out*

……………………………………………………………………….

(the next morning, the girls are sitting around the breakfast table…)

Ashley: “I don’t know about you guys, but I had some night.”

Lizzie: “I didn’t.”

Noelle: “Me too.”

Lizzie: “I didn’t.”

Katie: “That makes three of us!”

Lizzie: “I didn’t.”

Shell: “It was all right.”

Lizzie: “I didn’t.”

Lark: “We ran outta whipped cream.”

Lizzie: “I didn’t.”

Ashley: “Oh, I’m sorry, Lizzie. Did you say something?”

Lizzie: “Billy Bob is freaking me out.”

Katie: “Don’t worry, tonight we’re just going to be watching for the cattle stealer, so I’m sure he won’t try anything in the dark in the nice cushy hay.”

Lizzie: *gives her a look*

Katie: “Oops.”

(meanwhile….in another room….the guy are gathered)

Seifer: “This sucks! We aren’t getting any!”

Reno: “Those dumb Kinneas brothers are hogging all the chicks!”

Tseng: “And one certain non-chick.” *pouts*

Sephiroth: “Not that I was getting any before, but this is even worse.”

Vincent: “I’m still here, angel.”

Sephiroth: “If I want you, you’ll be the first to know.”

Vincent: *frowns*

Rude: “Hm. Just cause that guy’s richer than me.”

Rufus: “It seems like every guy in this house is more desirable than we are.”

(grandpa walks out of a room, zipping his fly)

Gramps: “Anyone want a go?” *grins*

Guys: *gasp*

(distant baa-aaing is heard)

Guys: *sighs of relief* “…..Ew….”

Zell: “What’s with the sheep? Are we missing something?”

Rufus: “Uh, ya know, I…uh…gotta go do that thing now.” *leaves*

Reno: “I gotta help.”

Sephiroth: “I think I’m needed in the barn.”

Vincent: “I must follow my angel.”

(the other guys make excuses and go away as well. that leaves grandpa alone with angelo)

Gramps: *winks*

Angelo: *whimpers and runs away*

……………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, outside….red is leading barret and cid around)

Red: “You see that creature? That is called a hen. Do I resemble that?”

Barret: “No….not really.”

Cid: “@$%#$^@@@!”

Barret: “Cid don’t think so neither.”

Red: “Thank you. Therefore, you can see I am not a hen. Over there is a cow. Do I look like a cow?”

Barret: “Well ya ain’t black n’ white….”

Red: “Do I look like that at all??”

Barret: “….No.”

Cid: “@#$%#$^#^$@#@^$#!”

Barret: “Cid don’t think so neither.”

Red: “Very well. Therefore you may no longer call me a cow. Over there is a pig. Do I look like a pig?”

Barret: “You’re kinda da same color…”

Red: “No. No I am not.”

Cid: “#$%$%&#$%^#^%#^&$%*#!”

Barret: “Cid said you ain’t no pig.”

Red: “That is correct. I am not a pig.”

Barret: “….Ya sure?”

Red: “Yes. I am very sure.”

Barret: “Well this just ain’t no fun no more!”

Cid: $%#@$^$&*^@^#$^#$&%^*^$U%^^&#$^!!”

……………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in the barn….irvine, rufus, sephiroth, vincent and reno have gathered)

Irvine: “My Pa bought all his sons a pony and named ’em after us!”

Reno: “So you’re telling me there’s a horse named Irvine?”

Irvine: “Yes sirre! So, who wants to ride Irvine!”

Rufus: “Ew, no! That’s gross, man!”

Irvine: “I’m just talking about the horse, Rufus!”

Rufus: *shudders* “No!! I can’t! It just sounds so wrong!”

Reno: “Besides, Irvine….” *puts an arm around rufus and jokes* “You know Rufus is mine.”

Rufus: “AH!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!” *runs out*

Reno: *laughs* “Oh, that was too damn funny.”

Irvine: “So come on! Someone must wanna ride Irvine!”

Sephiroth: *sighs* “Fine, I will.”

Irvine: “Great!”

Reno: *whispers to vincent* “I knew Seph secretly liked Irvine.”

Sephiroth: “I heard that!!”

……………………………………………………….

(later, back at the farmhouse…)

Sephiroth: “I rode Irvine.”

Lark: *pales*

Sephiroth: “The horse, the horse!”

Cal: “Hey, Katie, you’re my butterfly, suga, baby.”

Katie: *giggles*

Dallas: “You know, Ashley, you have one hell of a Tex-ass!”

Ashley: “Your Tex-ass ain’t too bad either.” *grin*

Austin: “Hey, Noelle.”

Noelle: “What, babe?”

Austin: “Do you have a Rolaid? Because my heart’s burning for you!”

Noelle: “Well I can’t say I’m shocked since you’re so hot!”

Houston: “Shell… I got you a present — me!”

Shell: “Ha ha. No really, did you get me something?”

Houston: “Uh….no. It was just a line.”

Shell: “That’s not funny or cute. You owe me a gift.” *pouts*

Irvine: *cuddling up to lark* “Hey, Lark, if god paid for our sins, let’s go get our money’s worth.”

Lark: “Irvine! ….Not in front of your brothers.”

Tseng, Reeve and San Diego: “………………..”

San Diego: “So do you wanna do the three-way or not?”

Tseng and Reeve: “NO!”

Billy Bob: *pets Lizzie* “I like blonde hair*

Lizzie: “Ehhhh…. If you weren’t Irvine’s brother I’d kick you in the nuts….”

Pa: “You kids ready to go spy?”

Irvine: “We sure are!”

Pa: “Now this is not make out time! You have to concentrate on spyin’ and not anything else!”

Kinneas Brothers: “Oh……..”

Pa: “Thas right, boys. I’m askin’ ya to ignore everythin’ I ever taught ya. I know it’s gonna be hard, but we gotta save our family name!”

Houston: “We won’t let you down, pa!”

Austin: “We’ll catch whoever’s stealin’ our cattle!”

Dallas: “And we’ll string ’em up!”

San Diego: “We’ll tar ’em!”

Cal: “And feather ’em!”

Irvine: “And drop ’em in the river!”

Billy Bob: “Yeah! Der-hur!”

………………………………………………………………..

(So that night, the girls and their respective Kinneas brothers crowd around the sides of the cow pen. Besides the random moans, etc., they are all concentrating as three dark and shadowy figures appear)

Lark: “Shhh, there they are!!!”

(They all crowd around and watch intently)

???: “This is gonna kick ass!”

???: “Shut up, chicken-wuss!”

Zell: “*You’re* a chicken-wuss!!!!”

Seifer: “Quiet, we’ll get caught!”

Zell: “It’s a cow! K-O-” *gets kicked* “Ow!!!!”

???: “Are you okay, Zell?”

Zell: “Yeah, I rock! Thanks, Tseng.”

Seifer: *whispers to Zell* “Hey, ya know, they say that if you can milk a cow you’re gay…”

Zell: “I’m not gay…”

Seifer: *hits him* “Not *you*, chicken-wuss!” *points to Tseng*

Ashley: “What are they *doing*?!”

Noelle: “I have no clue, but if Zell starts having sex with the cow…”

Lark: *smacks her* “Shut up!”

Seifer: “Hey Tseng, why don’t you milk this cow? It’ll fall over easier.”

Tseng: “Okay.” *sits on the ground and starts milking the cow*

Seifer and Zell: *snicker*

Zell: “Good one, Seifer!”

Seifer: “Shut up, chicken-wuss.”

Zell: *flips out*

Lizzie: “…This is sick…”

Billy Bob: “Yeah, that cow hasn’t milked for months…”

Lizzie: “… ……” *sweat drops*

Katie: “Cows are cute.”

Noelle: “Air head…”

Katie: “Shut up!” *pushes her over*

Tseng: “There, all milked out.”

Seifer: “Good, now we can start. What ya gotta do is get your shoulder into the side so they’ll fall over when you push up. Got it?”

Zell: “Wow, I’ve never done this before!”

Seifer: “There are *a lot* of things you’ve never done, Zell…”

Zell: “Whatever, *Seiferly*…”

Seifer: “Quiet, loser! Now push! *he heaves his shoulder into a cow and it falls over* “Heh heh. I’m so macho…”

Ashley: *hitting herself in the head* “What an idiot…”

Katie: “What’re they doing anyway?”

Calorado: “Cow tippin’.” *proud grin* “The pride and joy of the rebels in the west.”

Noelle: “Sounds dumb to me…”

Austin: “I love cow tippin'”

Noelle: “Heh heh, but then again, I’m always open to new culture…”

Zell: “I can’t do it, Seifer.”

Seifer: “You sound like that cowboy freak Irvine.”

Irvine: “Hey!!!!!” *low growls*

Seifer: “C’mon, it’s not that hard, loser!”

Tseng: “I can’t do it either.”

Seifer: “Oh man, you two are so…” *trails off and pushes another cow, creating a domino effect with the others*

Tseng: *examines one cow that is staring at him with little hearts for eyes* “I think this one’s sick…”

Zell: “Hey, this one’s a guy! I don’t wanna push it…”

Seifer: “You idiot! Cows are all *girls*!”

Zell: *sweat drops* “Then what did I see those two cows doin earlier…?”

All three: *sweat drops*

Seifer: “You’re such a loser, Zell…”

Zell: “Shut up, Seifer!” *tries to lunge at Seifer but instead knocks into a cow and they all fall over*

Cows: “MOOOOOO!!!!!” *go into an uncontrollable stampede*

Seifer: “Look what you did, chicken-wuss!!!”

Zell: “Oh @#$%!!!! Let’s get outta here!”

(They all run off, leaving Tseng being chased by a love-sick cow)

Lark: “Aw man…”

Calorado: “And she was our prize cow too…”

Ashley and Shell: *shudder* “Better than Bessie…”

(They continue their watch)

Houston: “Hey, where are your Final Fantasy guys? I mean, besides the ones that were just here.”

Shell: “Don’t know, don’t care.”

Houston: “I’m gonna go look for ’em. I’ll be back.”

(some time later…..everyone has grown really tired, or has started making out. no one is really watching)

Reeve: “San Diego, get your hand off my ass.”

San Diego: “I’m tellin’ ya, Reeve, baby, it ain’t mine.”

Reeve: “Oh…” *thinks a moment* “Well if Tseng’s not here, who the hell is it?”

Billy Bob: “Oops. Der-hur.”

Reeve: “AHHH!!!”

Irvine: “Keep it down, Reeve. Some of us are trying to make out!”

Billy Bob: “Pa said no makin’ out, Irvine!”

Irvine: “Shut up, Billy Bob.”

Lark: “That’s right, Irvine, he did say–”

Irvine: “Lark, do you hear or see anything suspicious?”

Lark: “Yes.”

Irvine: “That’s not related to Billy Bob.”

Lark: “Still yes.”

Irvine: “What the–”

Lark: *puts a hand over his mouth* “Shush. Listen.”

(they all listen and hear distant yelling)

Irvine: “Holy Lee’s ghost! You’re right! Let’s go!!”

(so they all run out to the field where all the other FF characters are crowded around houston, who seph is holding with his hands behind his back)

Houston: “Foiled again!”

Irvine: “Houston? Hey, Sephiroth, whatcha doin’ to my brother!?”

Rude: “Your brother’s the one smearing your family name.”

Other Kinneas Brothers: “WHAT?!?!?!?”

Houston: “That’s right. It was me all along! I was selling our cattle! How do you think I got all that money for all those nice things I kept giving Shell!?”

Shell: “Aw, that’s so sweet.”

Houston: “And all I had to do was steal a few more, and then I could have been on a plane to Toledo!”

Rufus: “Ohio?”

Houston: “Yeah! And I would have done it too, if it wasn’t for you rotten kids and your stupid dog!”

Angelo: *barks*

Sephiroth: “Kids? I’m older than you are, cowboy!”

Irvine: “I can’t believe you did this, Houston!”

Dallas: “Pa is sure gonna be upset with you!”

Calorado: “And Ma too.”

Austin: “And Gramps!”

Billy Bob: “Der-hur, and you’re gonnta jail.”

(the kinneas brothers, except irvine, grab their brother and drag him back to the farmhouse)

Ashley: “I don’t believe it! How did you guys catch him?”

Rinoa: “Well, all the guys were talking and whining, and then we all heard suspicious noises coming from the field, so we came out here. At first we just thought it was Tseng being chased by a crazy cow, but then we saw that Houston was trying to steal some of the cattle! When we tried to stop him he ran, but Angelo here bit him and then Sephiroth was able to pin him.”

Seifer: “Then Angelo bit me!” *tired sigh* “No offense, Irvine, but I hate country livin’. Can we go home tomorrow?”

Irvine: “Now that the problem is solved, sure.”

Girls: “Oh….”

Guys: “Hooray!!!”

(the next day, everyone is preparing to leave)

Lark: “Well, we sure had a lot of fun.”

Gramps: “You come back soon, ya hear?”

Lark: *tries to hide behind Irvine*

Dallas: “Remember, Ashley, my bed’s always open.” *wink*

Ashley: “Yeah….”

Seifer: *dragging her away* “Come on, Ashley!”

Austin: “If you’re ever in the capital of Texas, thinka me.” *grins at Noelle*

Noelle: “Oh, I’ll be thinkin’ of you *a lot*.”

Reno: “Come on, Noelle.” *tries to drag her away*

Noelle: “I’m not your girlfriend, Reno!”

Calorado: “Remember, you’re my butterfly, suga, baby!”

Katie: “I’ll never listen to that song the same way again.” *dreamy smile*

Billy Bob: *pets Lizzie* “I like blonde hair.”

Lizzie: “That’s it!” *kicks him..uh…there and stalks off*

Shell: “Well, it sucks that I lost another way to be showered with gifts. You’ll have to do for now, Rude.”

Rude: “Thanks, Shell.”

Shell: “At the first gas station you’ll buy me the most expensive gum they have, and we’ll work up from there.”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Irvine: “Well, it was good to see the farm again.”

Lark: “I’m glad we got to visit your family, Irvine…. But where is Red?”

(cut to red inside with ma)

Ma: “I have 7 children! All boys! Mine is a tale of woe and misery!!! And hell! Horrible, horrible!!”

Red: *trying to sneak out the door* “Oh dear. I brought this upon myself.”

(back to the others)

Lizzie: “And now that you mention it, where’s Laguna?”

Irvine: “And Pa?”

(cut to the house)

Pa: “Lemme get another picture with the President of Esthar!”

Laguna: *sweat drops* “Hey hey! Isn’t 10 enough?”

Pa: *holding a camera up to them* “Cheese!!”

(back to the others)

Lark: “They’ll show up.”

Reeve: “And has anyone seen Tseng? Or San Diego?”

Irvine, Lark and Lizzie: *sweat drops*

Reeve: “What?”

(suddenly they hear voices yelling from across the field)

Tseng’s voice: “Reeve is *mine*! MINE! So lay off, buddy!”

San Diego’s voice: “What a bitch!”

Tseng’s voice: “You better believe it! Only jerks mess with the Turks!!”

(he then comes back to the main group, quite calmly. the group of reeve, irvine, Lizzie and lark stare at him in open mouthed disbelief)

Tseng: *clears throat* “I’m ready to go.”

Reno: “Everyone’s accounted for! Into the myterry machanie!”

(everyone gets in and they wave as they drive off)

Ashley: “That was fun.”

Noelle: “Yeah….”

Seifer: *pouting* “Yeah, tons.”

Angelo: *growls*

Seifer: “Rinoa!!!!!!!!!”

Reeve: *clears throat* “Uh….I heard what you said, Tseng.”

Tseng: “Huh?”

Reeve: “I heard what you said to San Diego.”

Tseng: *sweat drops* “Uh… I only said it to keep him off you. I didn’t actually mean any of it or anything.” *blushes*

Reeve: *puts his hand on tseng’s knee* “Thanks anyway.”

Tseng: *shocked* “Uh…you’re welcome, Reeve.”

Kiros: “Ward says he gets car sick!”

Ward: “……………..!” *hits kiros*

Kiros: “Oh you’re right. That *is* me.”

(sometime later….they’re driving up a familiar road…when the car suddenly stops)

Reno: *singing* “Take one down, give it me! 9,999,962–” *speaks* “Hey, the car stopped.”

Noelle: “Thank *god*.”

(barret and cid go out to check it)

Barret: “Yo! It’s overheated again!”

Cid: “#$%#^$^$#&%#&#@%!”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Zell: *flips out* “This sucks!”

Ashley: *looks scared* “Shell….does that tattered cabin on the hilltop look familiar?”

Shell: *shudders* “Much *much* too familiar.”

Lark: “Katie and I are gonna go check out that cabin at the top of the hill.”

Ashley and Shell: *eyes get wide*

(but it’s too late, and lark and Katie go up to the cabin where cousin maxwell is, playing his familiar hickish song)

Maxwell: “Well howdy there purdy laaaaaaaaaaaaaaadies. What can I diddly do ya fer?”

Lark: *blinks* “Uh…..hi.”

Katie: *grimacing* “This is…uh…a nice….shack….you…uh…got here.”

Maxwell: “Thank ya kindly! Would you purdy laaaaaaaadies like to see it?”

Lark and Katie: “Uh, actually—”

Maxwell: “Great! Well come on in an’ make yourselves comfortitible!”

Katie: “Was that supposed to be ‘comfortable’?”

Lark: “I think so.”

(they go in. there’s still the dead cow in the corner, grampa in the rocking chair, only this time flossy is twitching in another corner)

Katie: “Is that a sheep?”

Maxwell: “It *wuz*. Doctor says it really ain’t anymore, on account a’ all the stuff she’s carryin’. I says Flossy’s a super sheep now.”

Katie: “Uh huh.” *sweat drops*

Lark: “Is that your grandpa?”

Maxwell: “Sure is!” *licks lips* “Grandpa n’ I are *real* close.”

Lark: *sweat drops* “Uh huh. That’s…uh…nice.”

Maxwell: “An’ that’s our prized cow Bessie, an’ out back’s our prized swimmin’ hole! Would you gals like to go for a dip? We dug it ourselves! ‘Course lots o’ sewage came up wit’ momma’s corpse, but it ain’t so bad now. Flossy goes swimmin’ every single day, don’t ya, Flossy?”

Flossy: *baa’s and twitches*

Lark: “We’ll pass, thank you.”

Maxwell: “How ’bout wearing Momma’s dress then? Momma was a fine woman, wasn’t she, grandpa?”

Grandpa: “Oh so fine!” *cackles*

Katie: “Um, no thanks.”

Maxwell: “How ’bout some juice then?”

Grandpa: “We squeezed it with our feet!”

Lark: *grimacing* “Feet, huh? Uh, no.”

Maxwell: “Don’t tell me you one o’ them stuck up city slickers like them other girls come up here! What, with your washed hair and your store bought clothes.”

Grampa: “And their toe nails that need clippin’.”

Katie and Lark: *shudders*

Maxwell: “You don’t belong in our loverly house! Get out!”

Katie: “Fine!” *stomps out*

Lark: *points* “And that cow is dead!”

Maxwell: *violent sobbing*

(the girls run back to the van)

Katie: “Reno! Reno! Let me smell your hair!!”

Reno: “Ah!!! Fine! Fine!!”

Katie: *smells his hair* “Ah… Shampoo…”

Lark: “Sephiroth!!! I need to see your clipped toenails!” *starts pulling his boots off*

Sephiroth: “Uh, you know, Lark, I have other parts of interest.”

Irvine: “What the hell goes on in that house?”

Lark: “Look at his toenails! They’re short!” *fusses over seph’s feet*

Barret: “Yo! Car’s fixed!!”

Lark: “Good! Let’s go home!” *grabs seph’s boots and goes into the car*

Sephiroth: “Uh…Lark, I kinda need those!”

Reno: *Katie still smelling his hair* “So, Irvine, what’s gonna happen with your brother now?”

Irvine: “Oh he’s gonna be in jail for a few years.”

Reno: “That sucks.”

Irvine: “You mess with a Kinneas, you–” *stops* “Oh, wait, that doesn’t really fit.”

Reno: *snorts*

Barret: “Yo! Pigpen! Get in dis here van!”

Red: *dragging himself into the van* “And so the torture will never end.”

But this ramble shall.

THE END

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