#68 – Lark Loves…Hojo?

Kuja: “I’m more of a girl then you’ll ever be!”

Originally Published: 1/18/01 . 18 pages

Oh no! Hojo has thought up a new plan to take over the ramble room and he’s drugged Vincent, Zidane and Lark with a potion that makes them think they’re madly in love with him! Can Sephiroth, Rufus, and Irvine find them and get them back to normal?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

There’s so much to like about this ramble. The plot is simple, yet hilarious. Scarlet particularly keeps the zingers coming – my favorite is when she tells Hojo the worst thing he’s ever done is make a potion that forces people to love him. I also love Rufus’ tangent about his shoes that leads to him rambling on about a money tree.

(for once we do not begin in the ramble room. instead we see the outside of the losers room, from which we hear hojo’s evil cackling laughter. going inside…)

Hojo: “Mwa haa haa! Mwa haa haa!”

Scarlet: *blinks* “That’s it. He lost it.”

Nida: *reaches for phone* “I’ll call the old folks home.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Afterwards, we can play tiddly winks!”

Hojo: “I have done it!”

Scarlet: “Oh no. He’s done something.”

Nida: “What have you done? Gone more insane?”

Hojo: “I have perfected my undying love potion! Slip it in someone’s drink, and presto—they love me forever!”

Scarlet: “That is the worst thing you have ever done.”

(then kuja enters and when he sees hojo he runs for him and gets to his knees, hugging hojo’s legs)

Kuja: “Oh my darling! I’m so glad to be with you again! Please never go away again!”

Hojo: *pets him* “No, my dear, rest assured I will never leave your side.” *tries to shake him off* “But I do have to move.”

Scarlet: *blinks* “Wow. It works. And damn well too.”

Hojo: “Of course it does! And so I shall use it to overtake the ramble room!”

Nida: “How the hell can that crap help you overtake the ramble room?”

Hojo: “It’s quite simple. I simply make sure Lark drinks some of the potion. She’ll simply fall madly in love with me, I also slip some to Vincent and Zidane just for fun, and we have the ramble room, simple as that. Isn’t that simple?”

Nida: “Stop saying simple.”

Scarlet: “So you think Lark will hand over the ramble room just because she loves you?”

Hojo: “From what I’ve heard it doesn’t take much to get something from her if you know what I mean.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! This is a great plan!”

Scarlet: “This just might work, Hojo, so come on. Who’s gonna slip ’em the stuff?”

Hojo: “Why Nida, of course.”

Nida: “I’m da bomb!”

Scarlet: “Too bad you won’t explode.”

Hojo: *hands nida potion* “Be sure you give this to Lark, Zidane and Vincent *only*. I don’t want anyone else falling in love with me.”

Nida: *puts potion away* “You got it.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa! You are *not* taking Sir Stringy II with you *this* time, boy!”

Nida: “Like I need your stupid yo-yo anyway.” *confidently* “I’m a smart guy. I can do this on my own.”

Scarlet: “You go, dumbass.”


(meanwhile in the ramble room….)

Lark: *walks in* “Hi, Vincent. Hi, Zidane.” *pause* “Where’s everybody else?”

Zidane: *shrugs* “I got this note from Sephiroth telling me to come here and try this new pink lemonade he made.”

Vincent: “I received the same note.”

Lark: “Yeah, me too. I’m kinda weirded out by it though. Why would Sephiroth give us *notes* and not tell us?”

Vincent: “Perhaps he was too embarrassed.”

Zidane: “Maybe this means he likes me.”

Lark: “Don’t push your luck.” *picks up lemonade* “Well, it looks good. We might as well try it.”

(the guys agree and lark pours 3 glasses full. they each take one)

Zidane: “Bottoms up.”

(they all drink it down)

Vincent: “Hm. Good.”

Lark: “I feel…a little sleepy…”

Zidane: “Me too.” *passes out*

Lark: “G’ night.” *passes out*

Vincent: “I require……more sleep.” *passes out*

(nida comes in)

Nida: “Hehehe! Now when they wake up, they’ll all be love with Hojo!” *pause* “I almost feel sorry for them.” *shudders*


(back in loser land shortly after….)

Hojo: “Nida, you’ve come through once again. You truly are the best Balamb Garden pilot.”

Nida: “Not just the best, but the *only*.”

Scarlet: “When they gonna wake up?”

Hojo: “Soon.”

Kuja: *on his knees* “Oh my dearest love! Please let me kiss your feet?”

Hojo: “Later, love muffin, when we’re alone. Right now I have some business to attend to.”

(just then lark, zidane and vincent wander in)

Lark, Vincent and Zidane: *gasp* “HOJO! MY LOVE!” *run to hug him*

Hojo: *grins* “It is very *very* good to be me.”


(back in the ramble room…)

Sephiroth: *comes in* “Anyone seen Lark or Vincent around?”

Irvine: “Nope. Come to think of it, I ain’t seen Zidane either.”

Sephiroth: “Did I ask about jerk face monkey rat boy? No. I asked about Lark. And Vincent.”

Irvine: “Like I said: haven’t seen ’em.”

Sephiroth: *annoyed sigh* “Well that’s just great.” *plops down on the couch* “Why are you the only one in here?”

Irvine: “I really don’t know.”

(rufus walks in)

Rufus: “Hello, all.” *blinks* “Or not all.”

Sephiroth: “Great. I can’t find anyone good, and this is the company I end up with.”

Rufus: “Yeah, like it’s a pleasure to be with *you*.”

Sephiroth: “Well, while you morons are here, maybe you want to help me find Lark.”

Rufus: “Maybe we don’t.”

Sephiroth: *gives him a look*

Rufus: *sigh* “All right, fine.” *pause* “Maybe she’s on the porch swing.”

Irvine: *snorts*

Rufus: “There’s nothing wrong with the porch swing!”

Sephiroth: “Stop bickering! If anyone fights, they fight with me! Now let’s go look!” *stomps out*

Irvine: “Someone’s cranky.”

Rufus: *teasing* “That’s cause he can’t find Lar-ark.”

Sephiroth: “I heard that!!!!”


(sephy, rufy and irvy go wandering around the ramble complex)

Rufus: “Let’s ask people if they’ve seen them.”

(reno stumbles by, obviously drunk off his ass)

Irvine: “Hey, Reno man, have you seen Lark or Vincent or Z-man?”

Reno: *slurs* “No…… But I did see a red and white striped clown driving a school bus full of tuna.”

Sephiroth: *on alert* “Clown?! Where?!?!”

Irvine: *sweat drops* “Uh, thanks anyway, Reno.”

(reno stumbles off)

Rufus: “Hey, Seph, why not ask the magic 8 ball?”

Sephiroth: “Ah! Splendid idea!” *takes it out* “Where is Lark?” *shakes it* “Maybe?!?! What the hell is this?!?! You never give me a straight answer! Not *ever*!”

Rufus: *snickers*

Irvine: “Forget the magic 8 ball. Let’s ask around some more.”

(zell and seifer come by)

Zell: “No, you idiot! The 13th president was Millard Filmore! Not Lincoln! Lincoln was the 16th!”

Seifer: “You’re an idiot, chicken-wuss. Everyone knows LINCOLN was the 13th President cause that’s an unlucky number! You made that other guy up!!”

Sephiroth: “Excuse me, but have any of you seen Lark around? Or Vincent?”

Irvine: “Or Zidane?”

Zell: *blinks* “You said ‘excuse me’?”

Sephiroth: “JUST TELL ME!”

Zell: *flips out* “All right, geez, I haven’t seen them!!”

Sephiroth: “Thank you.” *looks at seifer* “And by the way, he’s not making that up and he is, surprisingly, correct, and you, sir, are an idiot.”

Seifer: “Hey!!!!”

(seph, ruf and irv continue on their merry little way)

Irvine: “Where is everyone?”

Rufus: “Probably on the porch swing.”

Sephiroth: “Would you shut up about the damn porch swing!” *annoyed sigh* “This is getting us nowhere fast.”

(they all lean against the wall to think for a moment when they all hear moaning from the closet)

Rufus and Irvine: *sweat drops*

Sephiroth: “Oops.” *goes over* “Hmm…”

Rufus: “You’re gonna open it?!”

Sephiroth: “Why, you wanna?”

Irvine: “That’s kinda embarrassing, don’t you think?”

Sephiroth: *nods with an evil grin* “Yeah, especially for who I know is in there.”

(he opens the closet and there are reeve and tseng, in the midst of making out. abruptly they stop and peer over at the intruders before pulling apart and brushing off their suits)

Sephiroth: *grinning* “Hello.”

Reeve: *runs a hand through his hair* “Uh, we got lost.”

Tseng: “This isn’t the ramble room!”

Rufus: “Ew, ew, ew, ew!” *hides behind irvine*

Sephiroth: “Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. So either of you seen Lark or Vincent?”

Irvine: “Or Zidane?”

Reeve: “No, I don’t think I…….” *thinks more* “Nope, I haven’t.”

Tseng: “Me neither.”

Sephiroth: *pretend sympathy* “Yeah, I’m sure it must be difficult to see anyone when you’re lost in a deep, dark broom closet.”

Reeve: “Your sarcasm is noted and not appreciated.”

Sephiroth: “You’re no fun.”

(he and rufus and irvine wander away)

Rufus: “We’re still going towards nowhere fast.”

Sephiroth: “You copy me again and I’ll kill you.”

Irvine: “Sephiroth!”

Sephiroth: “What could have possibly happened?!”

Rufus: “AHHHHHHHH!!!! Oh I can’t believe I almost stepped on that!”

Irvine: “Stepped on what?”

Rufus: “This glass vial just *laying* in the middle of the floor. I mean, how dangerous is that? I mean, I would have broken it, had I stepped on it, and all the little shards of glass would have gone into my Gucci loafers just ruining them completely….”

(rufus goes on, while sephiroth bends down to inspect the vial)

Rufus: “…and I mean I have 15 other pairs just like at home, but it’s very annoying to ruin a pair of perfectly good shoes. Nothing’s free you know. Money just doesn’t grow on trees. I had to work very hard for every Gil! If it did just grow on trees, that would be easy, because I would just get a 100 acres of land and grow my money on that, but it’s not that easy, unless I can find someone who could make me trees like that….”

Sephiroth: “Hmmm…. Look at this, cowboy geek.”

Irvine: *peers over his shoulder and reads the label* “Hojo’s lab. Heh, the idiot puts his name on his potions.”

Sephiroth: “I think I have a good idea what happened to them now.” *narrows eyes*

Rufus: “….and they would make me a seed to grow the money trees and then I could grow as much money as I wanted! And then I could sell these seeds and make even more money! Then I could buy all the loafers I wanted too! But until–”

Irvine: “Rufus!”

Rufus: *blinks* “What?”

Irvine: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Rufus: “Huh? Uh, loafers. Why?”

Irvine: “We’re going to Hojo’s lab. Come on.”

Rufus: “Oh okay.” *follows* “Hey, Irvine, I got this great idea…”


(back at the lab…lark, zidane, vincent and kuja are all fighting over hojo)

Lark: “What are you talking about?! He likes me best!”

Kuja: “I’m more of a girl then you’ll ever be!”

Lark: *gasp*

Zidane: “Hojo’s mine! Mine, mine, mine!”

Vincent: “Nonsense. He was mine first.”

Scarlet: “This is the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. People fighting over Hojo because they all *want* him.”

Nida: “Want him for what?”

Scarlet: *smacks him upside the head* “Dumbass!”

Nida: “Ow!” *grabs the back of his head*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Even I’m disgusted!”

Kuja: “I’m telling you, *I* am Hojo’s true love!”

Zidane: “Am not! I love him most! See?!?!” *kisses hojo*

Scarlet, Heidegger and Nida: “Ew!!” (“gya haa haa!”)

Hojo: *grins* “Heh heh heh.”

Vincent: “Nonsense. I can kiss better than that.” *kisses hojo*

Scarlet, Heidegger and Nida: “Ew!!” (“gya haa haa!”)

Hojo: “I think I’ll keep Vincent.” *puts an arm around vincent’s waist*

Lark: “No way! I can top that!!!” *kisses hojo*

Scarlet, Heidegger and Nida: “Ew!!” (“gya haa haa!”)

Hojo: *pushes her away* “Yes, nice try.”

Kuja: “I’m the best kisser of all!” *kisses hojo*

Scarlet, Heidegger and Nida: “…………..” (“gya haa haa!”)

Hojo: “Ooh, I think I’ll keep you too.” *looks at zidane* “And you.”

Zidane: “Yippee!”

Lark: “What about me?”

Hojo: “Can I have the ramble room?”

Lark: “Sure!”

Hojo: “Good. That is all I need of you. Who wants the girl?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I do!”

Lark: “But Hojo! I want you!”

Hojo: “You’ll learn to love Heidegger! He….uh…” *grimace* “Never mind.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! This is my lucky day!” *picks up lark*

Lark: *whines* “I want Hojo!”

Hojo: “Don’t they all.” *grins*

Scarlet: “I don’t.”

Hojo: “Quiet, you. You have Nida to amuse you.”

Scarlet: “I think I’d rather hang myself with my own pantyhose.”

Nida: “Like you’re any prize either, whore!”

Hojo: “Well I am just going to take my prizes and recline for the evening. Come, my pets.”

(he goes into his room with zidane, kuja and vincent)

Nida: “What are they going to do in there?”

Scarlet: *hits herself in the forehead*

Nida: “What?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m going to go to bed too!”

Scarlet: “I assume you’re taking the skank ho with you.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Of course! You’re welcome to join us!”

Scarlet: “I’ll pass.”

Nida: “I’ll come! I’m tired!”

Scarlet: *smacks him the back of the head* “You’re an idiot!”

Nida: “Ow!”

(just then seph, irvine and rufus barge in)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Group orgy!”

Irvine: *looks around* “What?! Where?!”

Sephiroth: “Lark! There you are! Unhand her, you disgusting pig person!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa no!”

(he tries to run, but seph is like a million times faster and he nabs lark and puts her over his shoulder)

Lark: “I have legs of my own you know!”

Sephiroth: *staring at them* “You sure do.”

Rufus: “Where are Vincent and Zidane?”

Scarlet: *points to hojo’s room*

Irvine: “Ugh! You’re kidding me!”

Scarlet: “Sadly, I’m not.”

Lark: “I wish I was in there!”

Sephiroth: “WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?”

Nida: “Hojo gave them all a potion to make them love him. Lark handed over the ramble room to us because she’s in love with Hojo.”

Sephiroth: “NO!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! She even kissed him!”

Sephiroth: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Irvine: “Sephiroth! Go save Zidane and Vincent!”

Sephiroth: “Ew, no! I’m not going in there!”

Rufus: “You opened the closet on Tseng and Reeve!”

Sephiroth: “Someone had to!”

Irvine: “Just do it! God only knows what Hojo might do to Vincent…”

Scarlet: “Oh, I know.”

Sephiroth: *shudders* “Fine.”

(he hands lark over to irvine and goes over to the door)

Lark: “I can walk myself!!”

Sephiroth: *takes a deep breath* “Please don’t let me see anything!”

(seph goes in and shuts the door. then there’s a lot of banging and seph and hojo yelling…)

Sephiroth’s voice: “HOJO!”

Hojo’s voice: “SON!? What are *you* doing here?!”

Sephiroth’s voice: “What do you *think*?!”

Hojo’s voice: “………Joining in?”

Sephiroth’s voice: “EW!!!!!!!!!! NO, YOU PERVERTED OLD CREEP! I came to free my….friends!”

Kuja, Zidane and Vincent’s voices: *gasp* “OMGILOVEYOUSEPHIROTH!”

Rufus: “What the hell?!”

(sephiroth comes stumbling out, zidane hanging off his neck, vincent around his waist, and kuja dragging by his ankles)

Sephiroth: “Help me!”

Zidane: “I love you, Sephiroth!”

Kuja: “I love you more, Sephiroth!”

Irvine: “I don’t get it.”

Scarlet: “The jackass must have programmed the formula to work with his DNA or something. Since Sephiroth is his son, they’re attracted to him too.”

Nida: “How did you know all that, whore?”

Scarlet: “My last customer had one of those science magazines lying around.”

Sephiroth: “Get off, get off, get off!”

Vincent: “I love you, Sephiroth!”

Sephiroth: “That’s angel to you!” *sigh* “This is so messed up!”

Irvine: “Well if they’re supposed to be attracted to Sephiroth too, why isn’t Lark attracted to him?”

Rufus: “Cause you’ve got her slung over you shoulder and all she can see is your ass.”

Irvine: “And yet she’s not complaining.” *grin*

Rufus: “Put her down!”

(irvine does, and lark stands, brushes herself off and sees seph)

Lark: *gasp* “HOTTIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” *leaps for seph*

Sephiroth: “Now this I like!”

(hojo comes out, looking rather sour.)

Scarlet: “Well lookit, your plan backfired. You know, if you didn’t have a more attractive son there would be no problem.”

Hojo: “Hey, where do you think he got his good looks from?”

Heidegger: “Lucretia! Gya haa haa!”

Hojo: “Shut up!” *gets out needle* “I might as well give them the antidote.” *disappointed sigh*

Sephiroth: *while lark kisses his face* “Do we have to?”

Hojo: “Yes!”

(they give them all the potion and they all pass out again)

Hojo: “We better test them to see if the potion worked by asking them who they love before they are fully conscious.”

Rufus: “It better have worked, you quack!”

Scarlet: *hanging onto rufus* “You know, I’m free tonight.”

Rufus: *pushes her off* “I have to polish my loafers.”

Nida: “I’m free.”

Scarlet: “I don’t care.”

(kuja stirs)

Hojo: “Kuja? Who do you love?”

Kuja: “Myself…”

Scarlet: “Well, we know he’s fine.”

Kuja: *sits up* “I had a very strange dream.”

Hojo: “You can tell me about it later, my dear.”

(zidane stirs)

Hojo: “Who do you love, Zidane?”

Zidane: “Want the list?”

Irvine: “No problems there.”

Zidane: *sits up* “Oh man! I dreamed I kissed Hojo!”

Hojo: “Heh heh heh.”

(Vincent stirs.)

Hojo: *frowns* “Who do you love, Vincent?”

Vincent: “…My angel.”

Sephiroth: “That’s my name!”

Vincent: *sits up and sees hojo* “….You are not the person I want to see right now.”

Rufus: “Lark’s stirring!”

Hojo: “Who do you love, Lark?”

Lark: “……Mmm…Sephiroth…”

Everyone: *blinks*

Sephiroth: *shocked*

Hojo: “It didn’t work?”

Lark: *sits up and stretches* “Oh, hi everyone.” *blinks* “Why am I here?”

Rufus: *in shock* “…It did…it did work.”

Irvine: “Yeah.”

Hojo: “Perhaps she was still confused. There are many explanations as to why she would have said that.”

Lark: “Said what?”

Sephiroth: *shakes his head* “Uh, nothing. Come on, let’s go.”


(the group returns to the ramble room)

Lark: “Wait, wait, wait–you’re telling me I kissed Hojo!?!?!?!?!?!”

Irvine: “Yeah, so we heard. You all did.”

Zidane: “Ugh, gross!”

Vincent: “I should have known better than to think my angel would ever make lemonade.”

Sephiroth: “Don’t call me that.”

Lark: “I have to go wash my mouth out.” *runs out*

Rufus: “So….you think it’s true? …I mean what she said?”

Sephiroth: *shrugs and looks down*

Irvine: “That was really weird.”

Rufus: “You should ask her.”

Sephiroth: *shakes head* “I can’t….” *eyes light up* “But I know who I can ask!” *pulls out magic 8 ball*

Irvine: “Oh no…”

Sephiroth: *shakes it* “Does Lark love me?” *looks at it* “NO?!?!?!!?!? Argh!!!!!!” *pouts*

Irvine and Rufus: *exchange a look but say nothing*

Zidane: “…So when I kissed Hojo, did I, uh, use tongue, or not?”

Everyone: “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Rufus: *covers his ears* “I’m not hearing this!”

Zidane: “What!? I just want to know how badly I was contaminated!” *grins at seph* “Maybe I can kiss you to get rid of it.”

Sephiroth: “Hells no.”

Zidane: *still grinning* “Ask the magic 8 ball.”

Sephiroth: *shakes it* “Can Zidane kiss me – please say no.” *looks at it* “ABSOLUTELY?!?! Urgh! This is not my day!”

(zidane kisses seph and won’t let go, and while he’s trying to fight him off, rufus and irvine whisper to one another….)

Rufus: “Think we should tell him that thing’s just a toy, and it doesn’t have any mystical powers to tell the truth?”

Irvine: “No way in hell.”

(they shake on it)


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