#60 – Animal Farm

Squall: *squawks* “Whatever.” *whistles*

Originally Published: 12/1/00 . 35 pages

Synopsis
Zidane arrives at the ramble room, but with Hojo plotting a new scheme to turn everyone into animals, it’s sure to be a time he won’t soon forget!

Ramble Milestones
-Zidane’s first appearance.

-Rufus makes his punch for the first time.

This ramble is ridiculous but hilarious. I especially love the Losers – especially all the stuff with Nida sprouting various animal parts. And Reeve trying to hurt Rufus with his m-phone as Cait Sith and Squall’s overuse of his favorite word are pretty funny too. Even though Zidane is introduced in this ramble, he doesn’t really become much of a character until much later.

(irvine, rufus, reno, Coby, JT, sephiroth, seifer, zell and squall are all in the ramble room. sephiroth is pouting by himself on the couch, and the other guys are crowded around the counter, talking)

Reno: “So, Coby. Ya heard the rules yet?”

Coby: “Rules?”

Irvine: “Well, they’re not really rules. More like how things run around here.”

Rufus: “Yeah, we taught JT when he first came.”

JT: “It seems a lot at first, but you learn quick.”

Coby: *gulp* “Okay… What do I have to know?”

Reno: “Well, first, there’s the girls. They may be friends of yours, but don’t even *think* about datin’ ’em. Noelle is *mine*.”

Seifer: “Ashley’s mine.”

Reno: “My friend Rude got stuck with Shell, Lizzie goes with Squall’s old man, and Katie’s pretty attached to one of the Gundam Wing jerks we *all* hate.”

JT: “I don’t hate them.”

Coby: “I don’t like them either. Especially Heero.”

Rufus: *grins* “Great! You’ll fit in fine!”

Zell: “Yo! Don’t hit on Lark either!”

Irvine: “Right. There’s enough competition in that department.” *calls* “Right, ‘Roth?” *grins*

Sephiroth: *snaps* “Can it, cowboy geek.”

Reno: *whispers* “Sephiroth’s in love with Lark but she doesn’t know it.”

Seifer: “Speaking of Sephiroth, don’t bother to be friends with him. He basically hates everyone, and everyone hates him.”

Coby: “Whoa. Okay. But I’m more interested in the Final Fantasy girls. How about them?”

Reno: “Oh, you can have them. We don’t want ’em.”

Squall: “Rinoa’s my girlfriend!”

Seifer: “She’s the only one who’s taken.” *whispers loudly* “She’s a crackwhore anyway.” *gets elbowed by squall* “Ow!”

Rufus: “Basically: hate Gundam Wing, don’t bother with Sephiroth, lay off the ramble girls and don’t use the phone and you’ll be fine.”

Coby: “What’s wrong with the phone?”

Guys: *shudder*

Irvine: “Just don’t use it unless it’s an emergency. A really *big* emergency.”

Zell: “And no calling here collect!”

Reno: “And don’t call phone sex hot lines. You will be caught.”

Coby: “Wow. Okay. Thanks for the advice.”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “What’s with all these stupid guys lately? What kind of loser is she gonna bring in here next?”

(as if on cue–come on, you knew this was coming–lark enters with a blond boy, about 16 with a monkey tail)

Lark: “Hey, boys! Look, I brought the newest member of the ramble group!”

Sephiroth: *hits himself in the forehead* “I spoke too soon.”

Rufus: “What? But we just *had* someone new!”

Zell: *flips out* “Who’s the jerk?”

Lark: “Guys, meet Zidane from FF9. Zidane, meet Sephiroth, Rufus and Reno from FF7, Irvine, Squall, Seifer and Zell from FF8 and Coby and JT. They’re not from FF.”

Zidane: “Hey.” *looks at lark* “This everyone?”

Lark: “Oh no. There are a lot more where this came from.” *bats eyelashes at zell* “Zell, dear, would you mind getting everyone else?”

Zell: *grins* “I’ll get ’em for you, Lark!” *runs out*

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Manipulated jerk.” *pouts* “I could have gotten everyone better.” *gets up and goes over to lark and zidane* “All right, buddy, let’s make this clear. Stay away from Lark.”

Lark: “Sephiroth!”

Zidane: “I don’t think I’ll be staying away from her if I can help it.” *grins at lark*

Lark: *giggles* “I just love you, Zidane!”

Sephiroth: *clenches fists and turns red with anger* “GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

Reno: “Hey, Lark, since we’re having everyone here, why not just have a party while we’re at it?”

Rufus: “You look for any excuse to party, don’t you?”

Reno: “I sure as hell do!”

Irvine: “A party is a great idea!”

Rufus: “You’re no better!”

Coby: “Yeah, let’s party!”

Rufus: “Oh no! Not another one!”

Reno: *high fives Coby* “You ain’t half bad. You can hang out with me and Irvine. And if you turn out to be a jerk, you can hang out with Rufus.”

Rufus: “Hey! I’m popular!”

Seifer: *snorts* “Sure you are.”

Rufus: “Hey! I don’t see everyone dying to hang out with you either!”

Squall: *laughs* “He’s got you there, Seifer!”

Seifer: “Shut up, Squall!”

Lark: “Sure, we can have a party.” *turns to zidane* “Wanna have a party, Zidane?”

Zidane: “A make out party?”

Lark: *shrugs* “Every party seems to turn out that way anyway.”

Zidane: “All right then!” *grins*

Lark: “Reno, Irvine, Coby–you guys go out and buy stuff. JT, Rufus, Sephy, Seifer, and Squall, you guys get music and set up the ramble room and stuff.”

Sephiroth: *still pouting* “What’s *Zidane* gonna do?”

Zidane: *grins* “Make out with Lark.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t think so.”

Zidane: *looks seph up and down* “What, are you her official spokesperson or somethin’ all of the sudden?”

Sephiroth: *jaw drops* “As a matter of fact, yes!”

Lark: *puts an arm around zidane* “Don’t mind him. He’s just a little protective.”

Zidane: “Let’s go.” *starts leading lark out the door*

Lark: *turns and calls over her shoulder* “Set up for the party well! I don’t want to be doing everything again cause ya slacked off or messed up!”

(she and zidane leave)

Rufus: “She’s making out with something with a *tail* over me?”

Seifer: “Heh! You suck, Rufus!”

JT: “Even I don’t like him.”

Irvine: *blinks* “Wow. And you like everyone.”

Sephiroth: *fists still clenched* “I AM GOING TO *KILL* HIM!” *storms out of the room*

Reno: “Hey! He’s supposed to help with the party!”

Rufus: “Let him go. We don’t want him to help. And besides, if he kills him, he’s doing us all a HUGE favor.”


(meanwhile, in the crappy room the losers hang out in, Twilight–just kidding. lol *wipes tear from eye* I kill myself. anyway, hojo and his band of jerks are hanging out getting on one another’s nerves… hojo is in the back mixing together something, scarlet and nida are sitting on the couch playing tiddly winks with heidegger, who’s sitting on a chair across from them)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I win again!”

Nida: *flips the board over in anger* “Bastard! You’re cheating!”

Scarlet: *rolls eyes* “Who cares. Can’t we do something else now?”

Nida: “Like what?”

Scarlet: *gets up* “I’m gonna turn the TV on. I’d rather watch the Sci-fi channel than play this stupid game again.”

Nida: *slaps her butt*

Scarlet: *turns around* “Hey! Hands off!”

Nida: “Right. I forgot you’re not free.” *laughs*

Scarlet: “You’re just jealous ’cause I’m outta your price range.”

Nida: “Yeah.” *hangs head*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Hojo! Wanna play tiddly winks with me and sonny boy?”

Nida: “You call me sonny boy one more time and I’m burning the tiddly wink board!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’ll still have my yo-yo!”

Nida: “*And* your stupid yo-yo!”

Heidegger: *scared* “Gya?”

Hojo: “Silence, fools! I’m trying to concentrate.” *pours a blue liquid into a another test tube*

Nida: “He’s doing something! Let’s crowd around!”

(nida, heidegger and scarlet all go crowd around him)

Hojo: *annoyed sigh* “I should have said I was looking at kiddy porn.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Do you have some?”

Hojo: *shudders* “No! Now get away from me, fools! You’ll make me mess up.”

Scarlet: “You’ll mess up without us around anyway.”

Hojo: “Not true. Just because I have every other time doesn’t mean I will this time.”

Scarlet: *rolls eyes* “Right.”

Nida: “So what are you doing?” *picks up a test tube rack and knocks some stuff over* “Oops!”

Hojo: “You stupid boy!” *puts it back and swats nida’s hand away* “This is highly scientific equipment!”

Scarlet: *picks up something* “Hey, this is my eyelash curler!”

Hojo: *grabs it back* “Look! I need it!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Hojo wants to be a girly man!”

Hojo: *picks up some weird green liquid and throws it in heidegger’s face*

Heidegger: *covers his face* “Gya! It burns! It burns!” *runs around in circles*

Nida: *points and laughs at him* “Ha! Your yo-yo can’t save you now!”

Scarlet: “So, Hojo, what does this crap you’re mixing do?”

Hojo: *holds it up* “In this little vial I hold the power to turn humans into animals and animals into less powerful, obscure animals.”

Scarlet: *twirls finger* “Whoo hoo. What the hell are you going to do with that? Make the zoo less interesting?”

Hojo: “No, you stupid skank! I’m going to give it to everyone in the ramble room! Then, when they’re all dumb animals, we can take over the ramble room!”

Heidegger: *face covered in burns* “Gya haa haa! Great idea!”

Nida: *pouts* “I’m still smarter.”

Scarlet: “Did you make an antidote?”

Hojo: “Perhaps yes, perhaps no.”

Nida: “He did.”

Scarlet: “Yup.”

Heidegger: “Gya!”

Hojo: “Hush! All of you! All we need do to now is find a way to slip it to those stupid jerks all at once!”

Nida: “Ooh! Let me! I can do it!”

Hojo: “Very well. But if you fail, I will tie you to the back wall and have Heidegger dance for you in a thong.”

Nida: “Eep! No! I won’t fail!” *shudders* “Ugh… I’ll be having nightmares tonight.”

Heidegger: “Gya! I wax my bikini line!”

Nida: *more shudders* “Please stop.”

Hojo: *hands nida the vial* “Here you are. Be careful.”

(nida takes the vial and tucks it away in his pocket)

Heidegger: “Gya! Want to take my yo-yo with you?”

Nida: “What am I going to do with your stupid yo-yo?”

Heidegger: “It might come in handy! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: *cringes* “Fine. But just to shut you up.” *takes the yo-yo* “Hey.” *slaps scarlet on the butt* “Make me some tea for when I get back, whore!” *laughs and leaves*

Scarlet: *holding a little of hojo’s potion* “Sure thing….” *evil smile*


(meanwhile, every last member of the ramble group, except jake, who had to work, is in the ramble room partying. on the table is a big bowl of punch which rufus proudly stands next to)

Reno: “The punch isn’t *that* good, Rufus. There’s not enough alcohol in it.”

Rufus: “I made it! Which is more than you did, ya drunk!”

Reno: “Hey! I bought these potato chips!” *eats one* “Mm! Barbecue!”

Coby: *eyes widen* “Whoa. Who’s that?” *points*

Irvine: “That’s Rinoa.”

Coby: “She’s *gorgeous*!”

Reno: *laughs* “Oh *man*! Sucks that you gotta fall for the only FF girl that’s taken around here!”

Coby: *That’s* Squall’s girlfriend?”

Irvine: “Yup.”

Rufus: “They’re like attached at the hip.”

Reno: “‘Cept for that time where she dumped him for Kiros and Squall went out with Lark.”

Coby: “Well, guess I can only wait and see if she dumps him again…”

(meanwhile, across the room)

Lark: “So, Zidane, what do you think of everyone?”

Zidane: “I don’t know. They’re pretty mean. Especially the guys.”

Lark: “I know. But don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.” *goes up on her tiptoes and pretends to be looking at something on the other side of the room*

Zidane: *turns and looks* “What?”

Lark: *pulls his tail gently and laughs* “Hehe! Gotcha!”

Zidane: *turns back around grinning* “You know it turns me on when you do that.”

Lark: *raises eyebrows* “I know.”

(meanwhile, on another side of the room, vincent, tseng and reeve are all sitting on the couch)

Vincent: “Where is my angel?”

Tseng: “I don’t know.”

Reeve: *shrugs*

Tseng: “Hey, where’s Bria?”

Reeve: “Um…. I dunno.” *looks down*

Tseng: “Did something happen, Reeve?”

Reeve: “We’re having….problems. I don’t think she wants to see me for awhile.”

Tseng: “Oh…. I’m sorry, Reeve.”

Reeve: “It’s all right.”

(just then sephiroth storms over to them, a piece of paper in hand and out of breath)

Vincent: “There you are, my angel. I was beginning to worry. Where were you?”

Sephiroth: *hands him list* “Thinking up ways to kill the new jerk Lark’s hanging all over.”

Reeve: “You know, Sephiroth, I really wouldn’t worry. She–” *tseng elbows him* “Ow!” *pause* “Oh. Right. Yeah. Forget it. I don’t know what I’m talking about.”

Vincent: *reading the list* “Ways to kill that stupid jerk Lark likes and I hate and I don’t know his name cause I don’t care.” *raises eyebrow* “Slash him with the masamune, behead him with the masamune, chop him into pieces using the masamune, carve out his intestines using the masamune, stab him with the masamune–“

Sephiroth: *grabs the list back* “That’s the one I’m leaning towards.”

Tseng: *shrugs* “Hey, it killed me.”

Sephiroth: “Exactly.”

Reeve: “Sephiroth!”

Sephiroth: “Oh, sorry.” *pause* *points to reeve and then tseng* “See, I told you he likes you.”

Reeve: “What!” *blushes* “Do not.”

Tseng: *blushing* “Sephiroth…”

Sephiroth: “Which idea do you like, Vincent?”

Vincent: “I believe you should give him a chance. Perhaps you will become friends.”

Sephiroth: *starts laughing slowly at first then becomes more hysterical* “Friends! Friends! Friends with him?!” *doubles over laughing* “Oh, Vincent! You kill me!”

Vincent: *blinks* “I don’t recall saying anything humorous.”

(twilight comes over grinning)

Twilight: “Hey, buddy! What’s funny?! Did someone die?”

Sephiroth: *points at vincent* “He wants me to be friends with the new jerk hitting on Lark!” *doubles over laughing again*

Twilight: *starts laughing again* “Hey! That’s a good one! If I could, I’d write it down!”

Vincent: *blinks and then looks at tseng and reeve* “Did I miss something?”

Tseng: “Vincent, don’t try and understand their humor. Just don’t.”

(meanwhile…in the last corner of the room…)

Noelle: “I love parties.”

Katie: “Yeah! Me too!”

Ashley: “Hey, I was wondering. Doesn’t Lark usually get someone to guard the door?”

Shell: “Lark usually does a lot of things we don’t pay attention to.”

Lizzie: “Ashley’s right. She usually does.”

Noelle: *shrugs* “Guess she isn’t worried about anyone we don’t like trying to get in.”

Katie: *points to lark and zidane* “And I think she’s a little busy.”

Ashley: *eyes widen* “Yeah, just a *little*.”


(meanwhile…nida sneaks up to the door wearing a crappy disguise of a fake mustache. everyone’s too busy talking and stuff to notice him come in. he spots the punch bowl where rufus is standing)

Nida’s Creepy Thoughts: Hey, if I put this in the punch bowl, they’ll all drink it and turn into animals! Hohohoho! I’m so smart! But how am I going to get that stupid Shinra away from the table?”

(nida spots squall standing nearby talking to rinoa and Coby. he grins evilly, takes the yo-yo out of his pocket and hurls it at squall’s head. squall groans and falls to the floor which causes everyone nearby to rush to his assistance, including rufus. while everyone is occupied with reviving squall, nida sneaks over, pours the contents of the test tube into the punch and heads for the door)

Nida’s Creepy Thoughts: Heh heh. I hope he dies! Hohohoho!

(nida leaves. meanwhile rinoa is helping squall up)

Rinoa: “Are you all right, Squall?”

Coby: “If you’re not, I could date your girlfriend for you.”

Squall: *hand to his head* “Whatever.”

Rinoa: *sigh of relief* “He’s fine.”

Lark: *wipes brow* “That was a little scary. I wonder who could have done that…”

(everyone looks at seifer)

Seifer: “It *so* was not me! Why would I hit him with a lame ass yo-yo?”

Zell: “Eh, he has a point.”

Lark: *shrugs* “All right. No harm done. While I’ve got everyone quiet, let’s have a toast!”

Rufus: *excitedly* “We can have my punch! Everyone come have a cup!”

(rufus goes back over to the punch bowl, and everyone files by to get a fresh cup of punch)

Reno: “Hurry up and toast so I can drink this crap and get it over with.”

Rufus: “Hey! It’s good!”

Lark: *holds up cup* “Here’s to the new members of the ramble group, Coby and Zidane, and here’s too a lot more fun and a lot less trouble in the future!”

(everyone drinks. then we should black out there and suddenly there is a lot of screaming, a lot of cries for help, and assorted animal noises. when we come back in…everyone has been turned into an animal, or a different kind of animal, except one person. lark and sephiroth are both cats, rude is a maneless unicorn–still wearing his sunglasses, shell is a wolf, JT is a dog, squall is a parrot, twilight is a rat, opal is a mouse, seifer is a moose, Katie is a bunny, Ashley is a crow, Lizzie is a bat, Noelle is a leopard, zell is a a jell eye–it’s a monster from ff8–cloud is a lemming, reno is a monkey, rinoa is a deer, irvine is a horse, laguna is a moomba, reeve is cait sith, tseng is a squirrel, vincent is a dragon, tifa is a bear, selphie is a chipmunk, quistis is raccoon, yuffie is a beaver, rufus is a duck, kiros is a weasel, ward is a skunk, elena is a robin, cid is a hyena, barret is red xiii, red is an emu and Coby is a stag)

Cid: “@#$$#%$%^%^*$%&$^%#$%@#%#@^$&$^$^#$^$D#@$%G#$%GSDT@#$^$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

JT: “Um…I think Cid summed it up.”

Lark: *looking down at herself* “What the hell?! I’m a cat!”

Sephiroth: “Me too!” *looks at lark* “Did you have something to do with this?”

Lark: *gives him a look* “Yeah, I turned everyone in the ramble room into animals.”

Sephiroth: “Then why am I a cat?! I should be a better animal!”

Lark: “Hey! I’m a cat too! Cats are cool!”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Why does *Vincent* get to be a dragon?”

Vincent: *looking around* “I better not move. I might disturb something.”

Twilight: “Look! I’m a mouse! Someone might step on me!”

Opal: *squeaks* “Twilight, I don’t think you’re a mouse.”

Twilight: *looking at himself* “Then what the hell am I? A demented dog?”

Opal: “No, I think you’re a rat.”

Twilight: “A rat! Oh man! I’m a pest!”

Shell: “You already were one.” *spots seifer* “ACK! MOOSE! I HATE MOOSES!” *growls and starts chasing seifer*

Seifer: *running* “I’m not really a moose! I’m Seifer! Remember?”

Everyone: *watches in confusion*

Lark: “Don’t mind her, she’s insane.”

Rinoa: “Who could have done this?”

Coby: “And what the hell am I?”

Lark: *studies him* “You’re a stag! That’s my school mascot.”

Zell: “Pretty crappy mascot. Look at me! I’m a jell-eye! I hate these things! Why do I have to be the make out bug?!”

Elena: *chirps* “Make out bug?!”

Zell: “We call it the make out bug because it has an attack that looks like it’s making out with you. It gets in your face and wraps it’s appendages around you.”

Elena: “Ew!” *chirp* “I have a craving for worms.”

Laguna: *jumps up and down* “Great! I’ve always wanted to be one of these things! Laguna! Laguna!” *laughs*

Kiros: *points at ward* “Ward says he smells!”

Ward: “…………!” *sprays kiros*

Kiros: “Ew! That wasn’t fair, man!”

Quistis: *rubs her hands together* “I’ve gotta break into some garbage.”

Irvine: *neighs* “Hey! Look at me! I’m a horse! Who wants to ride Irvine?” *grins*

Lark: “Ew! Irvine! You’re a *horse*! Stop being perverted.”

Rufus: *waddles over* “This isn’t right! What happened to my punch?! Someone sabotaged it!”

Reno: *jumps up and down* “You’re a duck? I can’t take orders from a *duck*!”

Rufus: “You’d better! I’m still your boss!”

Reeve: “Look! I’m Cait Sith! This is great! I can prove I don’t suck!”

Tseng: *sighs* “Good luck with that.” *pause* “I want some nuts…”

Katie: *hops around* “This is sooooo much fun!”

Ashley: *flying around the room* “Wheee! I’m getting kind of dizzy, but this is fun!”

Lizzie: “I have radar! *And* I can hang upside down from the ceiling!”

Vincent: *moves his tail and knocks something over* “Oops. I apologize.”

Lark: “This is crazy! I bet Hojo did this!”

Barret: “Yo! What da hell am I?”

Red: “You are me.”

Barret: “I am not! I ain’t no stinkin’ emu!”

Red: “No, I am *now* an emu.”

Barret: “What? You confusin’ me, womp rat!”

Red: “I am an *emu*.”

Barret: “Yo, shut yer trap. I wanna see Grandpa.” *pause* “Wait, what did I just say?”

Cid: *laughs hysterically*

Barret: “Yo, shut up ya damn hyena!”

Shell: “Rude, you’re the perfect animal, but look, you’re still bald.”

Rude: *hangs head* “I can never win.”

Lark: “Hey, wait, Zidane–how come you didn’t change?”

Zidane: *shrugs* “I guess whoever made the potion only made to fit either human genes or animal genes. Not both.” *shows off tail* “This really did save my ass for once.” *grins*

Sephiroth: “I hate you even more now!”

Lark: “I wonder why he changed us into animals…”


(meanwhile, back at loser land…)

Nida: *returns* “I did it! It’s done! They’re all animals now! I saw it myself!”

Hojo: “Another proof of my genius! How did you do it?”

Nida: “Well, they were having another freakin’ party like they do like every other day, so I just knocked Squall unconscious and while everyone was fussing over the jerk, I snuck in, spiked their punch and ran out. Then they had a toast…” *starts laughing really hard* “Oh, man, you shoulda seen it.”

Hojo: *drums fingers together* “Exxxxxxcellent.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Now where is Sir Stringy?”

Nida: “Sir Stringy? What the hell is that?”

Heidegger: “My yo-yo! Gya!”

Nida: “Oh. I chucked it at Squall’s head. It’s gone. Squall probably gave it to Zell to keep him amused.”

Heidegger: “Gya?! No! Sir Stringy!”

Nida: “Where’s my tea, skank hoe?” *slaps her butt again*

Scarlet: *through clenched teeth* “Here you go.” *hands him tea spiked with hojo’s stuff*

Nida: “Thanks, whore.” *takes the tea and starts drinking it all of the sudden he grows a pig tail* “What the fu–“


(back in the ramble room)

Twilight: *holding a bunch of stuff* “Look at all this crap I found on the floor!”

Opal: *studies it* “Twilight, that looks like Squall’s ring.” *squeak*

Twilight: “It’s not.”

Rinoa: *sigh* “Isn’t this terrible, Squall?”

Squall: *squawk* “Whatever.” *whistles*

Rinoa: “SQUALL! Tell me it’s terrible! I don’t want to hear ‘whatever’!”

Squall: *squawk* “Whatever.” *whistles*

Rinoa: “SQUALL!”

Squall: *squawk* “Whatever.” *whistles*

Rinoa: “Errr…!! That’s so ass lancing!”

Ashley: *flying around* “Don’t use my word, crackwhore, or I’ll crap on your head.”

Rinoa: “Ew!”

Sephiroth: *looks like he’s straining really hard to hold himself back* “Twilight…”

Twilight: “What?”

Sephiroth: “I’m getting an incredible urge to eat you.”

Twilight: “No!”

Sephiroth: “Merrow!” *leaps and starts chasing twilight*

Twilight: “No! I never even got the chance to give anyone the plague!”

Lark: *licking her paws* “I can’t stop licking myself! This is disgusting!”

JT: *barks and runs over to lark* “Lark, I’m sorry.”

Lark: *still licking* “Why?”

JT: “I have to chase you.” *starts barking and chasing her*

Lark: *scampers away* “Ah! No!”

Vincent: *moves again and knocks something else down* “Oh, I’m sorry.” *hangs head*

Irvine: *trotting around* “Come on! Someone must wanna ride Irvine!” *neighs* “I’ll never get sick of that one.”

Rufus: *quack* “I call an emergency meeting of Shinra!” *waddles over to a corner*

Reno: “I’m not listening to a duck! Now get me a banana.”

Rufus: *ruffles his feathers* “Get your worthless ass over here, Reno.”

Tseng: “It is kind of degrading to be taking orders from a duck.”

Rufus: “You’re a *squirrel*! What’s so great about that?”

Reno: “I think Rude should be in charge of Shinra now. He’s got that kick ass horn. Who knows what it can do!”

Rufus: “But he has no hair! He’s a bootleg unicorn!” *ruffles feathers* “I have nice feathers!” *quacks*

Reno: “Nah. No good. Dream on, ugly duckling!”

Rufus: *quacks in a really loud and annoying manner* “I’m still President! And I’m not ugly! I’m a handsome duck!”

Reno: *cringes* “Ugh! You’re so annoying.”

Rufus: *quacks in the same annoying way* “Maybe I’ll quack like that until we get a meeting going.” *holds head up confidently*

Reno: *scratches his head and looks at reeve and tseng thoughtfully*

Shell: *walks in a circle* “Stupid moose.”

Seifer: *hiding behind vincent* “Ha ha! Vincent’ll kill ya with his dragon breath if you come close!”

Vincent: “I will not kill her. And I don’t even know if I have ‘dragon breath’.”

Seifer: “Ah ha! See! See what he said?” *pause* “Wait, what did you say?”

Zell: *floats over* “You’re a chicken-wuss, Seifer!”

Seifer: “Shut up, real chicken-wuss! You should have turned into a chicken, since that’s what you really are.”

Zell: “Uh oh!” *does the ‘make out’ attack on seifer*

Seifer: “Ahhhh!! Get off me, chicken-wuss! That’s disgusting!”

Zell: “I can’t help it!”

Rinoa: “Squall, say anything. *ANYTHING* else!”

Squall: *squawk* “Whatever.” *whistles*

Quistis: “Look what I found in the garbage!” *holds up a bottlecap*

Selphie: “It’s just a bottlecap.”

Quistis: “But it’s shiny.”

(cloud keeps following tifa around mindlessly and bumps into her every time she stops walking)

Tifa: “Cloud, could you stop doing that?”

Cloud: “………..”

Tifa: “Cloud?”

Cloud: “………”

Tifa: “Okay….”

Kiros: “You stink, Ward!” *laughs* “Get it! Stink!”

Ward: *sprays kiros again*

Kiros: “Come on! That’s not funny anymore!”

Sephiroth: *walks by with twilight in his mouth* “Told you rat’s can’t run.”

Twilight: “Why don’t you talk some more?”

Sephiroth: “I’m not going to drop you, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Twilight: “Dammit.”

(zidane comes over, picks up sephiroth, takes twilight out of his mouth and puts him down)

Sephiroth: *struggles* “Unhand me, freakish human!”

Twilight: “Ha ha! Thanks, buddy!” *scurries under the couch*

Zidane: “I have to get you animals under control.”

(several minutes he has JT and Shell chained to the door, and zell stopped with a stop spell.)

Zidane: “Okay, guys, we have to get everyone back to normal.”

Lizzie: “But being a bat is fun!”

Ashley: “And I like being a crow.”

Seifer: “But Ashley, I’m a moose.”

Ashley: “Yeah, so?”

Seifer: “It…can’t work.”

Ashley: “Oh right. *That*. Okay, I’m all for changing us back.”


(meanwhile, back to the jerks…)

Nida: “Why do a have a freakin’ pig tail?!”

Scarlet: “What the hell?! Why didn’t he fully turn into a pig?! Why just the tail?” *pushes hojo* “You suck!”

Nida: “Skank whore! You put some of Hojo’s potion into my tea!”

Scarlet: “But it sucks anyway! You’ve only got a tail!”

Hojo: “Is that herbal tea?”

Scarlet: “Yeah, why?”

Hojo: “You fool! The herbs reacted with the chemicals in the potion! Who knows what will happen now! He could turn into several different animals!”

Nida: “Give me the anditote! Quick!”

Hojo: *sighs* “Heidegger, please get the purple vial on my desk.”

(heidegger goes over, gets and gets the vial)

Heidegger: *dropping the vial* “Gya haa haa! Revenge for Sir Stringy!”

Nida: “No!! The anditote!” *gets down and tries to lick it off the floor*

Scarlet: *kicks him* “Ha ha!”

Nida: *growing a rhino horn* “Oh no!! I’m growing more obscure animal parts!” *grabs hojo’s lab coat and shakes him* “Get me more!”

Hojo: “There is no more. I will have to make it.”

Nida: “Then *make* it, ya old quack! I’m turning in a Dr. Suess character here!”

Hojo: “It will take some time.”

Nida: *pushing hojo towards his desk* “Work! Work, damn you!”

Hojo: “Very well! Stop touching me!” *sits down to work*

Nida: *turns to heidegger* “I’m gonna kill you!!!” *charges at him with his rhino horn*

Heidegger: “Gya-haa!” *runs*

(nida runs, but he slips on the potion and falls on the floor)

Scarlet: *laughs* “Oh, I wish I had a camera!”

Nida: “Can it, skanky slut!”


(back to the ‘normal’ people…everyone is crowded around the couch where lark, and sephiroth are ‘sitting’ with zidane. sephy is licking lark’s back)

Lark: “I smell a rat.”

(everyone looks at twilight)

Twilight: “I think she meant it figuratively, jerks!” *turns to opal* “I used a big word!”

Lark: “Hojo is definitely behind this. I just don’t know what he was trying to accomplish by turning us into a bunch of animals.” *shrugs her shoulders* “Sephiroth, stop licking me.”

Sephiroth: *still licking* “I can’t! I have to lick something!”

Lark: “Lick yourself!”

Sephiroth: *still licking* “Silence, cat woman!”

Lark: “If I was really cat woman, I’d be in Hojo’s lab right now kickin’ his ass.” *hiss*

Everyone: *blink*

Lark: “Anyway, Zidane.” *turns back to look at sephiroth* “Stop licking me!” *crawls onto zidane’s lap and lays down*

Sephiroth: *hiss*

Zidane: *absently petting lark* “All right, well, I don’t know much about this Hojo guy, but going on what Lark told me, he probably turned you into animals so he could take over this place.”

Sephiroth: “Well *duh*.”

(there is a small crash. everyone turns to look at vincent)

Vincent: *hangs head* “I’m sorry.”

Lark: “That’s all right, Vincent.”

Barret: “Yo! So what we do about the jerk?”

Lark: “Well, I’m guessing he turned us into animals because he thought we would be weak and not be able to stand against him and his band of talentless freaks.”

Zell: “Joke’s on him then, cause we’ll still be able to kick their asses! Right, Squall?”

Squall: *squaks* “Whatever.” *whistles*

Rinoa: “No one talk to Squall!”

Lark: *ears perk up* “Where’s Rufus? I hear distant quacking.”

Reno: *shifty eyes*

Reeve: *shrugs*

Tseng: *picks at his tail*

Lark: “Rufus!” *glares at reno as she goes into the kitchen* “Did you shove him in the oven?!”

Reno: “Guess we’re having roast duck for dinner!!”

Lark: “Rufus?”

Rufus’s voice: *quack* “You’re fired!”

Reno: *calls* “Guess I won’t be showing up at the pond Monday!”

Lark: “Rufus!” *hisses* “Zidane, you have opposable thumbs, come open this oven.”

Reno: “I love having opposable thumbs.” *leans back with his hands behind his head and just ends up falling off the counter he’s sitting on* “Aw, crap! I thought monkey’s had good balance!”

(zidane lets rufus out of the oven)

Rufus: *ruffles his feathers* “That wasn’t funny!”

Lark: “All right. Let’s forget it. We have things to discuss.”

Sephiroth: “Can I lick you some more?”

Lark: “NO!”


(meanwhile…nida has grown a flipper…)

Heidegger: *singing to the tune of  ‘this old man’* “Gya haa haa! Haa haa haa! Gya haa haa haa haa haa haa! Gya haa haa haa haa haa haa, Gya haa haa haa haa! Gya haa haa haa haa haa haa!”

Scarlet: *head in her hands* “You sing that again, and I’ll pull your tongue out of your mouth and shove it up Hojo’s ass.”

Hojo: *turns around* “Excuse me?”

Nida: “Finish making that potion!” *grows floppy dog ears* “Aw, crap!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa!” *pulls nida’s pig tail*

Nida: “That’s it!” *starts beating heidegger with his flipper*

Heidegger: *shielding his head* “Gya-ow! Gya-ow!”

Scarlet: “Beat him harder!”

Hojo: *turns around* “Who’s doing what to whom?”

Scarlet: “Turn back around you perverted old man!”

Nida: “Yeah! Make the potion!” *grows frogs legs* “Crap!” *hops* “Look at me!”

Scarlet: “Frog legs for dinner! Kya haa haa!”

Nida: *hits her butt with his flipper* “Take that!”

Scarlet: “Didn’t I put my prices out front the first day we met?”

Nida: “I thought you lowered them once you realized you were *worthless*!”

Scarlet: *gasp*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! This is entertaining!”

Hojo: *shrugs* “Eh.” *goes back to the potion*


(meanwhile….)

Lark: “Okay, now that no one is being cooked, we’ll go back to our plan.” *curls up on zidane’s lap*

Sephiroth: *licks his paw bitterly* “I’m gonna bite that jerk later…”

Zidane: “All right, so–“

(there’s another crash. everyone turns to look at vincent)

Vincent: *hangs head* “Once again, I’m sorry.”

Lark: “Don’t worry about it, sweetie.” *licks zidane’s hand* “Continue.”

Zidane: “All right, so, since we’re not all wimpy animals like the duck guy–“

Rufus: “My name is Rufus. And shut up!”

Zidane: “We can go attack them and get the anditote before they try an’ take over this place.”

Noelle: “Well who’s gonna go? I’m a lepard! I can run fast and attack Hojo or something! That would be cool!”

Squall: *squawk* “Whatever.” *whistles*

Rinoa: *cringes* “I can’t even cover my ears!”

Zidane: “This is who will be going: Me, Noelle, Lark, Sephiroth, Vincent, Shell, Barret, Reno, Irvine, Twilight, Laguna, Ward and Zell.”

Seifer: “Twilight! But he’s a stupid rat!”

Lark: “All the better to scare with, my dear.”

Zidane: “We’ll all go attack and scare the livin’ crap outta the jerks.”

Seifer: “Why can’t I go?”

Shell: *snaps* “No mooses!”

Everyone: *moves away from shell*

Reeve: “What about me?”

Everyone: *blinks*

Rufus: “Cait Sith sucks! They don’t want you along!”

Reeve: “He does not! There’s a lot of power in this stuffed body!” *hits rufus with his m-phone taking off 9 hit points*

Rufus: *blinks*

Reeve: “I messed up.” *hits him again taking off 8 hit points*

Rufus: *fakely* “Ow.”

Reeve: *frowns and hits him again taking off 8 hit points*

Rufus: “If you keep this up for three or four months you might KO me.”

Reeve: *grits teeth and hits him really hard taking off 11 hit points*

Rufus: *yawns*

Reeve: *yells and hits him as hard as he possibly can taking off 13 hit points*

Rufus: “Told you.”

Reeve: *panting he looks at the m-phone in amazement* “Omg… I really do suck!”

Reno: “Yo, Rude man, you figure out what that horn does yet?”

Rude: “No.”

Lark: “I think Rude should come too… Just in case.”

Zidane: *shrugs* “Whatever.”

Squall: *squawk* “Whatever.” *whistles*

Rinoa: “Squall, be very glad I’m not a meat eating creature!!”


(meanwhile…the losers are all sitting in silence. nida’s other arm has turned into a horse leg with a hoof)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Nida! Know what I just thought?”

Nida: “Of going in the back and hanging yourself?”

Heidegger: “Gya! Close but you’re way off! That you have a future with a freak show!”

Nida: *turns to him glaring* “How about I shove this hoof up your as–“

Scarlet: “Let’s face it. You both belong in a freak show. There’s no point in arguing over it.”

Nida: “And you belong in the Honeybee Inn, but I didn’t say anything!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! You tell her that every day!”

Nida: “Shut up, Heidegger!” *sigh* “Hojo, is that potion done yet?”

Hojo: “No.”

Nida: “You suck! You’re slow!”

Hojo: “How about I forget about it?”

Nida: “Did I mention how much I love you?”

Hojo: *back to work* “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! How ’bout more tiddly winks?”

Nida: “Jerk! I have no hands!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa! Use your tongue!”

Nida: “How about I beat you senseless!?”

Hojo: “Shut up! I can’t work when you’re being loud! Do something quiet!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Tiddly winks!”

Hojo: “And no tiddly winks! With you three that’s a full contact sport.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! We’ll be quiet!”

Hojo: “You can start by not laughing!”

Heidegger: “Gya…”


(meanwhile…the attack group has just left the ramble room)

Noelle: “I’m gonna kick some ass!” *growls*

Shell: “Me too!”

Zidane: *jumps* “Ow! Someone bit me!”

Sephiroth: *lowly* “Heh heh heh.”

Vincent: “This tail is quite a burden.”

Reno: “Yeah, stop hitting me with it!”

Vincent: “I am sorry, Reno.”

Twilight: “Ack! Watch it, Rude! You almost stepped on me!”

Rude: “Sorry.”

Laguna: “I bet all the other Moombas would be jealous of me! I can really talk!”

Zell: “If I start to do my make out attack on Nida or Hojo, someone please stop me.”

Lark: “Zell, dear, they’re all disgusting. I don’t think you’d wanna make out with any of them.”

Zidane: *jumps* “Ow! Someone bit me again!”

Sephiroth: *snickers*

Lark: “Shush! We’re almost there! Sephiroth, stop biting Zidane.”

Zidane: *whirls around* “That’s you biting me?!”

Sephiroth: *hisses* “Yeah!”

Zidane: “Is that a challenge?”

Reno: *hoots* “Cat fight!”

Lark: “No cat fights! Come on, let’s go in.”

(zidane opens the door and they all stare for a moment at the scene in the room. hojo is calmly mixing stuff, while heidegger, nida and scarlet all sit around glaring at one another with tape over their mouths)

Lark: “What the….?”

Noelle: “Attack!!!”

(all the assorted animals and zidane go in and attack while the losers take the tape off their mouths. twilight runs up to scarlet and she runs away screaming. nida tries to unsuccessfully beat off reno and laguna, and then gets sprayed by ward. vincent breathes fire on hojo will sephiroth bites at his ankles. lark then trips scarlet, who falls, and twilight crawls on top of her, causing her to freak out more. shell and Noelle pin heidegger to the ground and bite him. irvine in the meanwhile, just knocks stuff in the room over while barret helps. rude just stands there, unsure of what he can do, and zidane checks the labs at hojo’s desk)

Zidane: “I don’t see it!” *grabs hojo by the collar and shakes him* “Where is it?! Where is it, old man?” *seph bites him* “Ow! Dammit!” *kicks seph*

Sephiroth: “Ow!” *licks his paw* “Vincent! He kicked me! Breathe fire on him!”

Vincent: “Angel, you *did* bite him.”

Sephiroth: “So! He didn’t have to fight back! That’s animal abuse!”

Zidane: *shakes hojo more* “Where is it, old man?!”

Hojo: “It’s r-r-r-ight on the desk, handsome young man!”

(zidane grimaces and goes to grab the potion, but before he can, a smelly nida comes over and grabs it)

Nida: “Haha! The potion is all mine!”

Zidane: *holds his nose* “I don’t think so, freak boy!” *tries to grab it*

Nida: “I don’t think so!” *throws it to scarlet* “Catch it, whore!”

(scarlet goes to grab it, but twilight bites her ankle and she screams and grabs her ankle. reno then swings by and nabs it)

Reno: “Now that’s teamwork!” *jumps on irvine’s back* “Hi ho, silver!”

Irvine: *neighs* “This wasn’t what I meant when I wanted someone to ride me.” *gallops out*

Nida: *falls to his knees* “You stupid whore!”

Scarlet: “I might have the plague! Hojo, make me a cure!”

Twilight: *snickers*

Shell: “Okay, let’s go get changed.” *grabs twilight in her mouth and runs out*

Twilight: “Hey! That’s sexual harassment!”

(soon the only ones left are zidane, lark, sephy and vincent)

Lark: “Nice try, Hojo. But looks like we’ve foiled you again.”

Hojo: “You were supposed to be dumb! But instead you kept your intelligence!” *hangs head*

Vincent: “That’s cause you suck.”

(everyone looks at him in surprise)

Vincent: *clears throat* “Pardon me.”

Sephiroth: “You tell him, Vincent. He does suck.”

Lark: “Don’t try anything like this again!”

Nida: “Um…Lark? Can I have some of the potion too?”

Lark: *hiss* “NO!”

Nida: “You’re mean!”

Lark: “You’re the one who put this stuff in the punch, weren’t you?”

Nida: “Yes! I mean no! I mean, aw, dammit!”

Lark: “Let’s go.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Can I have my yo-yo back?”

Lark: “No way!”

Heidegger: “But he has to attend the coronation of Prince Paddleball next week!”

Nida: “Oh shut up!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! You shut up!”

Scarlet: “Why don’t you *both* shut up?”

Hojo: *covers ears* “They’re fools. But I wonder who that new boy was…” *licks his lips*


(back to the ramble room, everyone has returned to normal)

Quistis: *sigh* “Guess it’s back to stealing normal things.”

Ashley: *pouts* “No more flying.”

Seifer: “No more excuses for Shell to attack me!”

JT: “No more excuses to chase Lark…”

Reeve: “No more being the weakest Final Fantasy character ever.” *pulls a paperclip out of his pocket and pokes tseng with it* “Does that hurt?”

Tseng: “No…”

Reeve: “Aw, dammit! I’m even worse now!” *cries into tseng*

Tseng: *pats him on the back* “It’s all right, Reeve. You’re fine how you are.”

Vincent: “No more knocking things over.”

Twilight: “No more tying people’s shoelaces together.”

Opal: “Twilight, you never did that.”

Voice from outside: “Gya!” *thump*

Twilight: *snickers*

Rufus: “Now that I’m back to normal, there will be no excuses that you don’t want to respect me.”

Reno: *makes a farting noise* “Rufus farted!”

Rufus: “I– Hey! I did not!”

Rude: “I never found out what the horn did…”

Lizzie: “No more hanging from the ceiling.”

Katie: “No more bouncing.”

Kiros: “Ward still smells!”

Ward: “…………!” *hits kiros*

Irvine: *grins* “Who wants to ride Irvine?”

Zell: “No more making out with Seifer.”

Rinoa: “Isn’t this better, Squall?”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Rinoa: “No! No more!” *starts beating squall*

Squall: “Ow! Rinoa!” *tries to cover his head*

Zidane: “I’m glad that’s all taken care of. You and I can make out again, Lark.”

Lark: “Yeah! Let’s go!”

(they leave)

Sephiroth: *kicks the wall* “No more excuses to bite that jerk!”

Vincent: “Don’t forget what I said about being friends with him.”

Sephiroth: *bursts out laughing* “There’s no way I could forget something as funny as that!!!” *doubles over laughing*

Vincent: *blinks* “What is so humorous?”

THE END

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