#59 – Sucking Up Sephiroth

Sephiroth: “We have to find out who’s been sucking up Sephiroth!”

Originally Published: 11/28/00 . 27 pages

Lark’s new vacuum seems to be a little too powerful and sucks up some of Sephiroth’s hair by accident! She tries to cover it up, but Sephiroth’s on the case!

Ramble Milestones
-The only visit to Rufus’ mall.

-Rufus admits the J in his name was made up.

-Coby’s first appearance.

This is a weird ramble – the beginning notes say to not even ask where this idea came from, and to be honest I don’t entirely remember. I know I heard about that vacuum called The Shark and how powerful it was supposed to be. So I guess I thought I could make a story out of it. There are some decent moments in this ramble – I like Sephiroth’s reaction to his hair loss and his little investigation into the case of his missing hair. But overall it’s far from a favorite. At least I proved I could write something about a vacuum…I guess.

(sephiroth is asleep on the couch in the ramble room. rufus is sitting at the table with irvine. lark comes in with a box)

Rufus: “I changed my mind. I want a recount.”

Lark: *stops and gives him a look* “Rufus. We settled this. No one won. Get over it.” *pause* “Especially since you put a *camera* in there to cheat!”

Rufus: *sweat drops* “I withdraw my request.”

Irvine: “What’s in the box, Lark?”

Lark: “Ooh! I got a new vacuum! It’s called The Shark, and it’s supposed to be able to pick up a bowling ball!” *sets it down and takes it out of the box*  “Isn’t it cool?”

Irvine and Rufus: *blink*

Lark: *frowns* “Fine. Don’t appreciate it.”

Irvine: “Well, I guess after that exciting election, we can’t expect anything exciting to happen for awhile.”

Rufus: “Wanna go sit on the porch swing?”

Irvine: “Beats sitting here listening to Sephiroth snore.”

(they get up and leave)

Lark: *mumbles* “He doesn’t snore.” *looks around* “I have to use my new vacuum somehow.” *spots the couch* “Ah, I’ll vacuum the couch. It’ll probably wake Sephiroth up, but oh well.”

(lark turns it on and goes over to vacuum the couch. she’s vacuuming away, but she’s having a little trouble cause the suction on this thing is *too* good. her hand slips and a big chunk of sephiroth’s hair gets sucked into the vacuum. lark gasps, her eyes get wide and she shuts the vacuum off and backs up)

Lark: “Uh oh…” *puts the vacuum down and kneels next to the couch inspecting his head* “I hope he doesn’t notice… He has so much of it…”

Sephiroth: *stirs* “Woman, what are you doing to my head?”

Lark: *backs off* “Nothing… I…um… Thought I saw a piece of lint. I was just picking it off.”

Sephiroth: *sits up and runs his hands through his hair* “Why’d you have to wake me up?”

Lark: “Sorry.”

Sephiroth: “What’s with the vacuum?”

Lark: “What vacuum?”

Sephiroth: “That vacuum.”

Lark: “That’s not a vacuum.”

Sephiroth: “…Yes it is.”

Lark: “No it’s not.”

Sephiroth: “Don’t play games with me, woman! I know it’s a vacuum!”

Lark: *shakes head no*

Sephiroth: “Whatever.” *gets up* “I’m going to go bother someone.” *leaves*

Lark: *wipes brow* “Good thing he didn’t notice. I’ll have to make sure that doesn’t happen again.”

(meanwhile…outside on the porch swing)

Rufus: “See! Sitting on the porch swing isn’t gay! It’s fun!” *makes it swing*

Irvine: “Yeah.”


Rufus: “So…”

Irvine: “Soo…” *pause* “How’s that mall of yours doing?”

Rufus: “Great!” *grins* “I love my mall!” *pause* “Wait, you’ve never seen it, have you?”

Irvine: *shakes head* “Nope. You keep talking about it, but no one’s ever seen it. Some of us are convinced you made it up to make yourself look better.”

Rufus: “I did *not* make it up!” *gets to his feet with his hands on his hips* “The Rufus Shinra Mall is *real*, and I can prove it.” *declares* “Irvine, get a group together. We’re going to the mall.”

Irvine: “Yee haw!”

(lark takes the vacuum to the tv room where vincent is asleep on the couch.)

Lark: “Why is everyone asleep around here?”

(Lark turns the vacuum on and starts to vacuum around the couch, humming to herself. she’s not even vacuuming near vincent, but to her horror, some of his hair gets sucked into the vacuum anyway)

Lark: “Sh*t! Not again!” *peers into the vacuum nozzle* “Vincent, I know you like Sephiroth, but your hair shouldn’t be attracted to his!” *annoyed sigh*

Vincent: *waking up* “Oh, hello, Lark. What are you doing?”

Lark: *freeze* “Um… I was just… Looking to be sure I sucked up a spider with this vacuum.” *pats it* “Yup. Got it. Heh heh. Good ol’ vacuum. Heh.”

Vincent: *raises eyebrow* “I see.”

Lark: “Yup. Spiders are no good. Gotta get rid of them.” *pause* “What?” *turns around like someone is calling for her–but no one is* “Oh! Coming!” *leaves*

Vincent: *looks confused* “Quite an enigma.”

(meanwhile, outside, irvine has gathered a group consisting of shell, rude, Noelle, Ashley, zell, squall and seifer)

Shell: “Yay! Shopping!” *grabs rude* “You’re gonna buy me stuff, right, Rude?”

Rude: *sigh* “Yes, Shell.”

Shell: “And no shoplifting!”

Rude: *sigh* “Yes, Shell.”

Noelle: “I can’t wait to go to your mall, Rufus! Are there a lot of stores?”

Rufus: “Every store you could possibly want.” *kisses her hand*

Noelle: *giggles*

Seifer: “Oh please.”

Rufus: “Now, before we go to the mall, there are a few rules. Rule number one, no shoplifting.” *looks at rude*

Rude: *mutters* “I’m not Quistis.”

Rufus: “Number two, no fighting.” *looks at zell*

Zell: *flips out* “Since when do I fight?!”

Rufus: “Number three, since you are my friends–“

Squall: “No we’re not.”

Rufus: “–I’m going to be nice and let you pick out *one* thing *each* for free. And it has to be under a hundred dollars.”

Ashley: “Wow! That’s very nice of you, Rufus!”

Rufus: *grins* “I know.”

Zell: “Yo! We should invite the Instructor along! She loves to shop!”

Squall: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Zell: “Why?”

Squall: “Didn’t you hear Rufus’ first rule?”

Zell: “The who what now?”

Squall: “Never mind, Zell.”

(meanwhile…lark returns to the ramble room where it seems reno has passed out at the table…)

Lark: *sighs* “Reno, Reno, Reno. What are we gonna do with you?”

Reno: *snore*

Lark: *sighs again* “I guess I’ll vacuum the floor… Not that this vacuum is big enough for that, but I’m really bored.” *pause* “Why am I talking to myself?” *sighs once more and gets to her knees to vacuum* “Guess I’m used to having someone around.”

(she starts vacuuming the floor around the table, and even though she’s no where *near* reno, some of his hair somehow gets sucked in there anyway, much to lark’s horror)

Lark: *turns off the vacuum* “What the @#$%?! This thing is scaring me!” *looks at reno* “He seems unaffected.” *checks the side of his head* “Took a big chunk outta him, boy. He’s gotta notice that.” *sigh* “Eh, I’ll just tell him he cut it off with scissors when he was drunk.”

(she tiptoes out of the room)

(meanwhile…the other gang has just arrived at Rufus’ mall)

Rufus: *grinning proudly* “Welcome to the Rufus J. Shinra mall, the best mall in the world!”

Noelle: “What does the J stand for, Rufus?”

Rufus: *stutters* “Uh…I…um…don’t know…I…made it up.”

Zell: *snorts*

Rufus: “No making fun of me at my mall!”

Shell: “Can we buy things now?”

Rufus: “Yes. Buy up! Remember, one free thing each, under a hundred dollars.”

Squall: *mutters* “Cheap skate.”

Rufus; “Hey, Squall, unlike you, I do not get paid every five minutes.”

Zell: *flips out* “Yo, whatcha tryin’ to pull Shinra, you make more than us and you know it!”

Rufus: *like he is talking to a kid* “You know, Zell, we have a really nice comic book store.”

Zell: *eyes light up* “Ooh! Really?!” *starts dragging squall* “Come on, Squall!”

Rufus: *calls after them* “We’re leaving in an hour! I’m a busy man, dammit! I can’t spend all day at the mall!”

(irvine tries to leave)

Rufus: “Where are you going, Kinneas?”

Irvine: “Look at guns.”

Rufus: “I don’t think so. You’re coming with me. I’m buying Lark a nice expensive gift that none of her other stupid, poor admirers can afford.”

Irvine: “Why do you want my help then? I’m one of her ‘stupid, poor admirers’ too ya know.”

Rufus: “I can’t walk around my own mall by myself. Besides, we’re friends. I mean we can stand each other. Let’s go.”

Irvine: *sigh* “All right…”

(Noelle, Ashley and seifer are shopping together)

Ashley: “I wanna look at the puppies!”

Noelle: “I wanna look at the anime!”

Ashley: “Ooh! I wanna look at that too!”

Seifer: “I wanna look at weapons!”

Noelle and Ashley: “Yeah!!”

Ashley: “Let’s go look at the directory and see where to go!”

(they run over to the directory)

Seifer: *frowning* “What!? No weapons store!? This mall is asslancing, I mean bootleg, I mean I don’t know!” *pants*

Ashley: *puts a hand on his shoulder * “Calm down, Seifer!”

Noelle: “Let’s go look at the video store.”

Ashley: *pats Seifer on the shoulder * “You can get something nice and bloody.”

Seifer: *pouting* “Well, okay..”

(Meanwhile, Shell and Rude are in the mall)

Shell: *giddy* “I love malls!” *claps hands together* “Where should we start?”

Rude: “How about the bank?”

Shell: “You’re so funny! You have money, right Rude?”

Rude: *sweatdrops* “Uh…”

Shell: “Great!” *points* “Ooh! I like that outfit! Let’s buy it!”

Rude: “Let’s not.”

Shell: *drags him away*

(5 minutes later…Rude’s standing not too happily with many articles of clothing draped over his arms)

Shell: *happily* “Isn’t this great Rude?”

Rude: “………….” *sigh*

(Meanwhile………Lark goes into Rufus’ former campaign headquarters where Reeve is asleep with tseng asleep on his chest)

Lark: *sigh* Aw! They’re so cute!” *mutters* “Hmmm….But why is everyone asleep?! Did Hojo pull something? *thinks a second* “Nah, then I’d be sleeping too.” *pause* “…Though I am talking to myself…” *shrugs* “Oh well.” *gets to her knees and starts vacuuming*

(It all goes well until she starts vacuuming the top of the couch and some of tseng’s hair gets sucked into the vacuum)

Lark: *shuts it off* “What!? Not again! #$&^^$)! This thing should be a weapon!”

Tseng: *stirs* “Oh hi, Lark. Is something wrong?”

Lark: *hides vacuum behind her back* “Um……no. Nothing’s wrong. I was just admiring how cute you two are.”

Tseng: “Huh?” *eyes widen* “Uh…” *sits up* “We must have been drugged! I-“

Lark: *cuts him off neatly* “Tseng, it’s okay. You don’t have to hide it. Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.”

Tseng: “Heh.” *sweat drops * “Yeah.” *looks back at Reeve* “Isn’t he hot?”

Lark: *grins* “Good luck.” *winks and backs out the door*

(meanwhile…back at the mall…zell has dragged Squall into the comic book store)

Zell: *running from shelf to shelf* “Wow! Spiderman! Wow! X-men! Wow! Superman!” *stops and frowns* “Archie?! Ew.” *picks it up and starts flipping through it* “Betty’s stupid! Veronica is much hotter, don’t you think, Squall?”

Squall: *rolls eyes* “Whatever.”

Zell: “Jughead sure eats alot, doesn’t he, Squall?”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Zell: “Reggie and Veronica look like they’re related, don’t you think, Squall?”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Zell: “Have you ever even read these comics, Squall?”

Squall: “….No.”

Zell: *gasps* “Squall! You have a lot of catching up to do!” *starts handing squall comics*

Squall: *sighs* “Zell…”

(meanwhile…rufus and irvine are wandering…)

Rufus: “Give me ideas, Irvine!”

Irvine: *looking around* “Any gun stores?”

Rufus: “No!”

Irvine: “No weapon stores at all?”

Rufus: “No.”

Irvine: “Not even a Walmart?”

Rufus: “No! Get your mind off guns and back onto women.”

Irvine: *frowns* “Don’t make fun of my two track mind.”

Rufus: “Okay, now, I need to get Lark something expensive, but something that she’ll also like.”

Irvine: “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend!”

Rufus: “Does she like diamonds?”

Irvine: *shrugs* “She’s a girl…”

Rufus: *sighs* “See, that’s no good.”

Irvine: “Why don’t you call her and ask what she wants?” *takes out cell phone*

Rufus: “No! I want it to be a surprise!”

Irvine: “Okie dokie.” *puts it away and gives rufus a look* “You don’t know *what* you want, do you?”

Rufus: “I….Uh…Yeah! Sure I do.”

Irvine: *rolls his eyes*

Rufus: “If you were a girl, what would you want?”

Irvine: *holds up hands in defense* “Whoa, man. Don’t go there. I’m not Tseng.”

Rufus: *sighs in annoyence* “Well come on! We’re not stupid! We can think of something!”

Irvine: “….Then how come we’re not?”

Rufus: *hesitates* “Shut up!” *pause* “Let’s go…somewhere.”

(meanwhile…back at the ramble room…actually, lark is outside, sitting on the porch swing.)

Lark: “You should need a permit to have this vacuum!” *rocks back on the swing* “Hey, this is kind of fun!” *starts swinging back and forth*

JT: *comes outside* “Um… Hi, Lark.”

Lark: “Hey, JT! Sup?”

JT: “Um… Some of the Gundam Wing guys just called.”

Lark: “They called *here*?”

JT: “Um, yes.”

Lark: *smiles* “Okay, then. What did they say?”

JT: “Okay, Heero called, and he said him, Duo, Treize and Zechs are coming over cause they’re in the neighborhood.”

Lark: *stops swinging* “Ooh! I haven’t seen them in awhile! When are they coming?”

(a car pulls up)

JT: *eyeing the car* “Um…now.”

(heero, duo, treize and zechs get out of the car. zechs looks kind of tired and sickly)

Lark: *waves* “Hey guys!”

Heero: “Hello.” *kisses lark*

Duo: “Babe around?”

JT: “Ashley went to the mall with Seifer and some others.”

Duo: *face falls* “Oh, man!”

Treize: “Good day, Lark. How are you?”

Zechs: “Hi-” *sneeze* “Lark.”

Lark: “Are you all right, Zechs?” *looks concerned*

Treize: “He just has a little cold. He’ll be fine. I gave him some cold medicine, it should be kicking in shortly.”

Zechs: “It’s your fault I’m sick, Treize.” *sneeze*

Treize: “I told you not to use my toothbrush.”

Zechs: “I told you to buy a new one when you went out to pick up the banana shampoo!”

Treize: “I got distracted.”

Zechs: “And you yell at me for staring at other guys!”

Heero: “Shut up. You two are asslancing.”

(lark and JT exchange a look)

Lark: “Um, why don’t we go inside and relax? I just finished vacuuming the ramble room.” *holds up vaccum*

Duo: “Hey, isn’t that the one that can like pick up a bowling ball? I bet it’s really strong!”

Lark: *sweat drops* “Not really. It’s kinda weak actually. False advertisting.”

Treize: “Weak, huh? Then I know Wufei would hate it.” *laughs*

Heero: “That joke was weak.”

Zechs: “You’re all weak. Shut up. I have a headache.” *pouts*

Treize: “My poor Zechsy.” *kisses his head*

JT: “Um…let’s go inside like Lark said.”

(and they do.)

(meanwhile, elsewhere in the ramble room…. sephiroth is wandering…and he ends up in rufus’ campaign headquarters…)

Sephiroth: *singing to himself* “If you’re lost you can look, and you will find me. Time after time. If you fall I will catch you, I’ll be waiting, Time after–” *spots reeve and tseng* “Whoa.” *grins* “Ah, memories.” *shoves tseng’s feet off the couch and sits* “Move it, Turk!”

Tseng: *wakes up* “Huh? Sephiroth?!” *sits up* “What are you doing here?”

Sephiroth: “What does it look like I’m doing?”

Tseng: “Sitting…”

Sephiroth: “Ooh. I can see why you’re a Turk.”

Tseng: *frowns* “Why are you here?”

Sephiroth: “A few of those Gundam Wing jerks showed up. I’m hiding so I don’t have to pretend to like them.”

Tseng: “You never do that anyway.”

Sephiroth: “…….True. But oh well.” *looks at reeve* “What, did he admit he likes you?”

Tseng: *blushes* “No…”

Sephiroth: “Want me to shake it out of him?”

Tseng: “No!”

Sephiroth: “I could do it without the masamune.”

Tseng: “Sephiroth!”

Sephiroth: *relaxes with his hands behind his head* “Fine.”

(vincent comes in)

Vincent: “Hello, all.”

Sephiroth: “Good afternoon.”

Tseng: “Hello, Vincent.”

Reeve: *snores lightly*

Tseng: *hits reeve in the foot* “Wake up, Reeve.”

Reeve: *snorts awake* “Huh?” *blinks* “Oh. Hi. I didn’t realize there were other people in here.” *pause* “I didn’t realize I fell asleep.”

Sephiroth: *whispers to tseng* “Did you drug him?”

Tseng: “No!”

Sephiroth: *still whispering* “Doesn’t hurt to ask.”

Vincent: “I find that I am bored.”

Sephiroth: “Join the club. Where did all the exciting people go?”

Tseng and Reeve: *shrug*

Vincent: *is staring at sephiroth*

Sephiroth: *shifts uncomfortably* “Vincent, I know I’m hot, but you don’t have to stare.”

Vincent: “Did you get a hair cut, angel?”

Sephiroth: “No…why…??” *hand to his head*

Vincent: “It seems like you have a small bald spot right–“

Sephiroth: “WHAT??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????!!!!!!!!!!” *gets up and runs around frantically* “Mirror! Mirror!”

(tseng pulls a mirror out of his pocket and hands it to seph.)

Sephiroth: *gives him a look* “I should have known you’d carry one.”

Tseng: “Heh.” *blushes*

Sephiroth: *examines his head* “My god! You’re right, Vincent! I’m missing at least 13 strands of hair!”

Reeve: *blinks in amazement at vincent* “How did you notice he was missing 13 strands of hair?”

Vincent: *shrugs* “I know my angel.”

Sephiroth: “What am I going to do?!” *panics* “Vincent! I’m missing hair!”

Vincent: “It’s all right, angel. No one else will notice.”

Sephiroth: “I feel so self conscious.”

Reeve: *staring at tseng’s head* “Come to think of it, I think you’re missing hair too, Tseng.”

Tseng: “What?!” *grabs mirror back from sephiroth and examines his head* “Omg! You’re right, Reeve! I’m missing hair too!”

Sephiroth: *examining vincent’s head* “So is Vincent! What is this?!”

Tseng: “Let me check you, Reeve.” *checks* “No… Reeve’s fine.”

Sephiroth: “He must have lice.”

Tseng and Reeve: “He/I do not!”

Vincent: “Hmm… This is quite a problem. It seems someone or something has been stealing hair from those of us with long hair.”

Sephiroth: *gasp* “What if Hojo is using it to clone us and make an army to destroy us all?!”

Vincent and Tseng: *shudder*

Vincent: “No, I believe he would have done something sadistic like draw blood.”

Sephiroth: “We have to find out who’s been sucking up Sephiroth!”

Tseng: *giggles*

Sephiroth: “Oh grow up, Tseng.”

(meanwhile…back at the mall… rude is *covered* in clothes. you can barely see him)

Shell: “And I want this and this and this and this!” *piles it all on rude* “Oh! And this!” *flings it over his face so you can’t see him* “There. Are you carrying a lot of cash, Rude?”

Rude: *muffled from behind the clothes* “Not really.”

Shell: “Okay, then. You know what to do!”

Rude: *unenthusiastically* “Charge it.”

Shell: “I taught you well!”

Rude: *unhappy sigh*

(meanwhile…Noelle, Ashley and seifer are at the video store)

Ashley: “I can’t decide what to buy!”

Noelle: “Why does Rufus have to be so cheap?”

Seifer: “I’m going to buy whatever’s a hundred gil, just so I can spend all the money he’s willing to.”

Ashley: “That’s mean, Seifer, but a good idea… I guess…”

Noelle: “Ooh! Look! Final Fantasy IX!”

Ashley: “Where?”

Seifer: *pushing them away* “No! It’s poison! Stay away!” *frantically* “Um…” *eyes light up and he points* “Look! New Gundam Wing tapes!”

Ashley and Noelle: *turn* “Ooh!” *run over to the tapes*

Seifer: *wipes his brow* “Desperate times call for desperate measures.” *notices a nearby shelf* “Ooh! Porn!”

(meanwhile…back at the ramble room….lark, JT, treize, heero, duo and zechs are all in the ramble room. zechs and duo are both sitting on the couch and they look pretty tired)

Zechs: *yawning* “Treize, you got the drowsy formula, didn’t you.”

Treize: “I wasn’t paying attention. I was….distracted.”

Zechs: “Damn your wandering eyes!”

Heero: “It doesn’t explain why you’re so tired, Duo.”

Duo: “I think I might have taken some of his cold pills too.”

Heero: “Nani?”

Duo: “Yeah, I thought they were vitamins.”

Heero: *hits himself in the head* “They should child proof those better.”

Duo: “Hey!” *yawn* “See ya in the morning.” *falls asleep*

Zechs: “I’ll get you back, Trezie.” *falls asleep*

Treize: “I’m sorry about all this.”

Lark: “It’s all right.”

JT: *coming over from the kitchen* “Who wants cookies?” *drops a few on the floor and steps on them* “Oh no… I’m sorry, Lark.”

Lark: “That’s all right.” *gets out vacuum* “I’ll fix that right up.”

???????: *calling from the hall* “Um, hello! Is anyone in here?”

Heero: “I sense an intruder!”

Lark: “Oh! That must be our new ramble guy.”

JT: “I’ll go bring him in.”

Treize: *grins* “Me too.”

Lark: “He’s not gay.”

Treize: *frowns* “I’ll go anyway.”

Heero: “Mission accepted.”

(JT, heero and treize leave. lark turns on the vacuum and starts vacuuming away. she gets all the cookie crumbs, but then her hand slips…)

Lark: *the vacuum sucks up some of duo’s hair* “Ack! No!” *vacuum sucks up some of zech’s hair* “No! Treize’ll murder me!” *hits the vacuum* “Bad vacuum! You have to destroy all the pretty boys!”

(treize, heero, and JT enter with a new guy. he’s 6’3″ with blue hair)

Lark: “Hey, Coby! I didn’t know you were coming so soon!”

Coby: “Yeah, but I thought you hung out with Final Fantasy people. Why’d the Gundam Wing guys and this guy greet me?”

JT: “I’m JT.”

Lark: “I don’t know where everyone went. They’re……….around. You can meet them later.”

Coby: “Where’s everyone else I know?”

JT: “They all went to the mall.”

Robby: “You come here to go to the mall?”

JT: “It’s Rufus’ mall.”

Coby: “Okay….”

Treize: *looking at zechs* “Something seems different.”

Lark: “Nothing’s different!” *nervous laughter* “Heh heh! I know! Why don’t we…uh…play strip poker?”

Guys: “Yeah!”

Lark: *nervous laughter* “Yeah. Heh heh. Yay.”

(meanwhile…back to seph’s group… vincent has the wipe and write board again and he has drawn pictures of himself labeled with an A, Sephiroth labeled with a B and Tseng labeled with a C. There’s also an arrow going from vincent to seph’s pic that has a little heart over it.)

Sephiroth: *pointer in hand* “Okay, here’s the whole story.” *points to the drawing of vincent* “At time unknown, strands of hair were removed from the head of Mr. Vincent Valentine. Around the same time, either before or after, I’m not sure, hair was also removed the head of Tseng the Turk,” *points to tseng’s picture* “And Sephiroth the dark and powerful lord of the planet.” *points to his own picture*

Reeve: *snorts*

Sephiroth: *glares at him* “Something funny?”

Reeve: *stops* “No.”

Sephiroth: “I didn’t think so.” *puts the pointer away* “What does this drawing tell us?”

Reeve: “That Vincent loves you?”

Sephiroth: *stamps foot* “*Besides* that!”

Tseng: “That we all don’t pay much attention to what’s going on around us?”

Sephiroth: “Hey, I was sleeping before. I bet that’s when my hair got stolen.” *light bulb* “Hey!” *points to tseng* “You were sleeping too!”

Vincent: “As was I.”

Tseng: “You know, I woke up before and Lark was in here. She was hiding something behind her back.”

Vincent: “Yes, when I awoke from my nightmare, Lark was there and she had a vacuum. It was quite bizarre.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah! She woke me up too!” *furrows brow* “Gentlemen, I think we found the culprit. Let’s go find Lark.”

(meanwhile, back at the the mall, squall and zell are reading through the archie comics)

Zell: “See, Squall, I told you Veronica’s better than Betty!”

Squall: “Archie isn’t even good looking!! What are they fighting over?!”

Zell: “Now you’re getting it!” *high fives squall* “Even I’m hotter than Archie, right, Squall?”

Squall: “Huh?”

Zell: “Never mind.” *checks watch* “Oh man! We gotta get back to the others! I’m gonna get this comic.”

Squall: “I’m going to get this one.”

Zell: “You gonna start spending all your money on comics now too, Squall?”

Squall: “No.”

Zell: “Some of it?”

Squall: “Maybe.”

Zell: *beams*

(meanwhile, back to shell and rude…they’re leaving the clothing store and rude is carrying a ton of bags)

Shell: “Wow! I had a great afternoon! Didn’t you, Rude?”

Rude: *mumbles something*

Shell: “That was kind of you to spend your free thing on me, Rude. Just what I would expect!”

Rude: *mumbles something else*

Shell: “Next time we’ll use your other credit card, since you maxed your Visa out and all.”

Rude: *groans*

(meanwhile, back outside the video store…)

Ashley: “I got anime!”

Noelle: “Me too!”

Seifer: “I got porn!”

Ashley: “What?”

Seifer: *sweat drops* “Nothing.”

Noelle: “Rufus does have a nice mall. He didn’t give us any time to look at it.”

Ashley: “Yeah. Oh well. We can always come back.”

Seifer: “Maybe he’ll be less cheap next time.”

(meanwhile, rufus and irvine are wandering around the mall)

Irvine: “Rufus, this is ridiculous! We have been circling this mall for an hour! Time’s up! Buy something before I strangle you!”

Rufus: *staring at a vandalized picture of him on the back of a directory* “Who is drawing me with that beard?! I never had a beard! And I’m blond! Blond! That’s a black marker!”

Irvine: “Rufus!”

Rufus: *turns to him* “Oh. You were talking?”

Irvine: “Just buy her some damn diamonds and let’s go.”

Rufus: “You *sure* girls like diamonds?”

Irvine: “YES!”

Rufus: “Geez. Fine. I believe you. Just relax.” *walks into a jewelry store*

Irvine: “If you had only listened to me an hour ago…”

(meanwhile, back in the ramble room, lark is playing strip poker with the boys and losing *badly*. on purpose)

Lark: *sitting unhappily in her bra and underwear* “Okay, this is no good.”

Guys: “And why’s that?” *smile*

Lark: *blinks* “Okay, that was just scary.”

Coby: “I’ve only been here half an hour and I’m having a great time already!”

Treize: “I still could have sworn I saw some hair–“

Lark: *slams down her cards* “Oh damn! Look! Lost again!” *pauses to look down at herself* “Oh dear.”

JT: “You don’t have much more to take off.”

Heero: “Too bad.” *puts down his cards* “Straight flush. Hand it over.” *holds out hand*

Lark: “Uh….”

(just then sephiroth, tseng, vincent and reeve come into the room)

Sephiroth: “Lark, we–” *stops abruptly* “Oh…uh…” *drool*

Lark: “Oh look! Game over!” *gathers the cards* “Hi, Sephiroth!”

Heero: “Come on! You lost! Take it off!”

Treize: “It’s only fair.”

JT: “Yeah. Play fair.”

Tseng: *turns to the other three* “Aren’t you going to say something?”

Sephiroth: *drool*

Vincent: *drool*

Reeve: *drool*

Tseng: *sighs and mumbles* “This is why I’m glad I only swing *one* way.” *claps his hands* “Guys! The hair! Remember?”

Sephiroth: *snaps out of his daze* “That’s right! Lark, we have a bone to pick with you.”

Lark: “What would that be?”

Sephiroth: “I–I–I…” *eyes focus on her chest*

Tseng: “Sephiroth!”

Sephiroth: “Could you put some clothes on!?”

Lark: “Heero and Treize have them.”

Heero: “And I’m not going to give them to you.”

Sephiroth: *covers his eyes and sighs in annoyance* “Look, have you been sucking up our hair with a vacuum?”

Lark: “What!?” *nervous laughter* “How did you come to that conclusion?! That’s crazy!”

Vincent: “We all saw you with a vacuum.”

Tseng: “And we’re all missing hair.”

Reeve: “Well, except me. I’m not.”

Treize: *examining zechs’ head* “My precious Zechs! He’s missing hair too!”

Coby: “Okay, this is all kinda too weird for me.”

Heero: “I bet Duo is too, then. Isn’t he, Lark?”

Lark: *head in her hands* “Yes. Yes, he’s missing hair too. It’s the vacuum! It’s possessed! It kept sucking up hair and I couldn’t stop it! I’m really sorry.” *pleading eyes* “Forgive me.”

Sephiroth: “It took 13 strands of hair! 13! That’s an unlucky number!”

Lark: “I’m sorry, Sephiroth. I didn’t do it on purpose.”

Tseng: “Who else did you take hair off of?”

Lark: “Um…Reno.”

Tseng: “Oh. He’ll never notice.”

(The mall group enters with their purchases)

Shell: “We’re back!”

Rude: *mutters things*

Noelle: “Coby!” *runs and hugs him*

Ashley: “Coby!”

Robby: “Hey, girls!” *hugs them*

Irvine: *spots lark* “Hey! What am I missing here?”

Lark: “Nothing. Now everyone clear out.” *takes her clothes back from heero* “I need to get dressed.”

(everyone leaves–even zechs and duo who are dragged out by treize and heero. the only ones remaining are irvine and rufus)

Lark: “Something wrong?” *puts clothes back on*

Rufus: “I bought you something, Lark.”

Irvine: “I helped!”

Rufus: *elbows him* “No you didn’t.”

Lark: “Oh, what?”

Rufus: *hands her a fancy box* “Here.”

Lark: *opens it and takes out a diamond necklace* “Whoa! Rufus! This must have cost you a fortune!”

Rufus: “It did.” *quickly adds* “Not that I mind spending it on you, Lark.”

Irvine: *rolls his eyes*

Lark: “Thank you!” *kisses him* “I want to show everyone how generous you are!” *grabs rufus’ arm and drags him out*

(irvine shrugs and collapses on the couch, falling asleep.)

(an hour later…irvine is still asleep on the couch…lark comes back into the ramble room, the vacuum in hand. she take it over to the trash and is about to throw it out when she spots some more cookie crumbs on the floor. with a shrug, she turns the vacuum on but it’s so strong that she gets pulled to the couch instead. and there we shall black out, only to hear the voices.)

Lark’s voice: “Oh sh*t!”

Irvine’s voice: “Ow! My head! It feels like my hair was ripped out!”

Lark’s voice: “No…. It must have been a dream or something… Yeah…”


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