#8 – Ward Says You’re Screwed Up!

Barret: “Therapy! Yo, I don’t need no stinkin’ therapy!”

Originally Published: 6/20/00 . 10 pages

Lark thinks it’s about time some of the characters get the help that they obviously need. Unfortunately they don’t seem to agree.

Ramble Milestones
-Quistis gets caught stealing for the first time.
-The first appearence of Reeve’s weapon of choice – a paper clip.
-Cid speaks actual words.

I’m going to come right out and say it: this probably has to be my least favorite ramble. It’s just pretty horrible all the way through, except for Reeve and his paper clip.

(Quistis sneaks into the empty room, dragging a a desk that highly resembles the one Cid had in his office back in Garden.)

Quistis: *panting* “Huff….puff…boy this thing is heavy.” *looks at it* “Hmmm…wonder what I could do with it…I really don’t do much desk work….”

(Rinoa, and Selphie come in with Lark)

Selphie: “Hi, Quistis!”

Quistis: “Hi.”

Rinoa: *inspecting the desk* “Hey, where’d you get this desk? It’s really nice.”

Quistis: “I…uh…borrowed it. From a friend.”

Lark: *looking at it suspiciously* “You know, it looks a lot like the one Cid has in his office.”

Selphie: “You’re right! It does!”

Quistis: *sweat drops* “Eh heh…no it doesn’t….”

Rinoa: “Yes, it really does.”

Quistis: *yelling* “NO IT DOESN’T!”

Rinoa, Selphie, and Lark: *look at her in shock and blink*

Quistis: *embarrassed* “Eh heh…never mind.”

Lark: “By the way you were acting you’d think it really was Cid’s desk!”

Rinoa: *opening one of the drawers and taking out a name plate* “Uh…that’s because it *is*.” *holds up the plate and it has the name Cid Kramer on it.*

(lark, rinoa and selphie look at quistis in shock)

Lark: “Quistis! I’m in shock!”

Selphie: “Me too!”

Rinoa: “That makes three of us!”

Lark: “You’ve been stealing from Garden?”

Quistis: *looking away* “Well……………………………………………………….yes.”

(zell and squall run in)

Zell: “Hey everyone!” *looks at the desk* “Hey, nice desk!”

Squall: *looking at it strangely* “That looks like Headmaster Cid’s desk.”

Quistis: *breaks into tears* “It is!”

Squall: “What?”

Selphie: *comforting Quistis* “Look what you did, Squall! You big meanie!”

Squall: “Huh?”

Rinoa: “You know, Squall, you should be more considerate of other people’s feelings.”

Squall: “What did I do?” *looks at Zell* “What did I do?”

Zell: *shrugs* “You got me.”

Lark: *patting quistis on the back reassuringly* “It’s okay, Quistis. We all have our problems.”

Zell: “Speak for yourself! I’m problem free!”

Squall: “Right….”

Zell: *starts to flip out* “What did you say!?”

Lark: *backing up a step* “You know, I think a lot of us could use a little therapy.”

Shell: *peeking her head in with a grin* “Did you say therapy?”

Lark: “Yeah….”

Shell: *coming in* “I could lead it! I wanted to be a psychiatrist once! I read a lot of books on it.”

Lark: “I don’t know….”

Shell: *gives her a look* “Who else are you going to get to lead it? You? You need someone totally…well almost…neutral! We can’t have you fawning all over them in the middle of the session.”

Lark: *pouts* “Fine. But I will be your assistant.”

Shell: “Round up everyone that needs help.”

Lark: *takes a deep breath* “Okay…this is going to take awhile. Selphie, Rinoa!” *they snap to attention* “You guys don’t need help…but you have to help me gather up those who do.”

Squall and Zell: “What about us?”

Lark: “Uh…..you guys better get comfortable. You’re gonna be here awhile.”

(some time later. There are an *awful* lot of people in the room. Here’s the list: Quistis, Zell, Squall, Seifer, Kiros, Cloud, Cid, Barret, Yuffie, Sephiroth, Reno, and Rude. Shell’s there too, trying to keep everyone under control. Reeve, Rufus, Laguna and Red are hanging out in doorway. (Rufus is leaning against the doorway and he looks really cool ^_^) Lark, Rinoa and Selphie come in, looking tired and out of breath.)

Lark: *shoving Rufus out of her way* “I think that’s everyone.”

Rufus: *flying into Reeve* “Ack!”

Rinoa: “Wow…that’s basically everyone.”

Selphie: *dragging in Irvine* “Come on, Irvine!”

Irvine: *looking happy* “So…me and 3 gorgeous girls. I guess this is my lucky….” *looks around the room, jaw dropped* “Hey, what are all these guys doing here?!”

Lark: “Get your mind out of the gutter and have a seat, Irvine.” *pats him on the shoulder* “You’re gonna be here awhile.”

(Irvine goes for the door, but Rinoa stops him and makes him sit)

Rufus: “Hey, Lark, what is this? The freak show?”

Lark: *frowns* “Would you like to join them?”

Rufus: *backing up* “No….”

Barret: “Yo! What’s up with this?!”

Sephiroth: “I demand to leave now! I can’t stand being in a place with so many people for too long!”

Shell: *turns to lark* “Help me! They’re all insane!”

Lark: *looks around frantically before she spots the guys gathered at the door, looking bored. she grabs rufus by the shoulders and shakes him* “Hey! You guys wanna help me?!”

Rufus: “Sure…if you let go of me…”

Lark: *lets Rufus go* “You guys wanna be security?”

Rufus: “What is this, the Jerry Springer show?”

Lark: “You guys have weapons, right?”

(rufus takes out his shotgun, laguna takes out his machine gun, and red nods)

Lark: *hopefully* “Reeve?”

Reeve: *frowns and goes through his pockets. he takes out a paper clip* “I have this…” *frowns* “I could *make* it into a weapon…” *bends it out of shape* “See?”

Lark: *sighs* “Whatever.” *turns around* “Okay, everybody SHUT UP!!!!!!!!”

(everyone is immediately silent)

Lark: *grins* “Thank you. Now, Shell and I decided that you guys could all use a little therapy.”

(all at once)

Barret: “Therapy! Yo, I don’t need no stinkin’ therapy!”

Sephiroth: “I refuse to take part in therapy!”

Cloud: “What’s therapy?”

Lark: *turns to Rufus* “You know what to do.”

Rufus: *aims his gun at Sephiroth* “I’ve been waiting a long time for this…”

Lark: *runs to stop him* “No! No! At the ceiling! At the ceiling!”

Rufus: *frowns* “Are you sure? I have a clear shot.”

Lark: “Yes!”

Rufus: *sighs and shoots up at the ceiling*


Lark: “No violence–Sephiroth!” *glares at Sephiroth*

Sephiroth: *slinks back into his chair with a shrug* “Me? Violent? Never.”

Lark: “Ok, Shell. They’re in your hands now.” *pats her on the shoulder* “Sorry.”

Shell: “Okay, I want everyone to give their name and what their problem is.”

Barret: “What if we ain’t got no problem?”

Lark: “If you don’t know I’ll tell you.”

Barret: *pouts* “Fine.”

Shell: “Let’s go around in a circle.”

Quistis: *getting up* “Hi, my name is Quistis Trepe and….I steal things from Garden…all the time.”

Seifer: *laughs* “Ha ha!”

Lark: “Seifer! Don’t make me come over there!”

Quistis: *sits and nudges Squall* “Squall, it’s your turn.”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Lark: *grabs Reeve’s paper clip and pokes Squall with it* “Come on, Squall! You’re setting a bad example!”

Squall: “Ow! Fine.” *gets up* “I’m Squall Leonhart…and I think I’m here because I don’t talk a lot.”

Rinoa: “And he says ‘whatever’ too much.”

Squall: *sitting down* “Whatever.”

Zell: “I’m Zell Dincht, and I don’t know why I’m here.”

Seifer: “Cause you’re a chicken wuss!”

Lark: “SEIFER!”

Seifer: “Eep!”

Rinoa: *whispers in Zell’s ear*

Zell: *flipping out* “Hey! I don’t flip out over any old thing!” *stops* “Wait…”

Seifer: *gets up* “I’m Seifer Almasy, and I’m here cause I pick on Zell too much.” *grins* “Right, chicken wuss?”

Zell: *flipping out again* “Stop it, Seifer!”

Kiros: *gets up* “Ward says I shouldn’t be here.”

Laguna: “…but Ward isn’t even here, Kiros.”

Kiros: “Ward says shut up.”

Laguna: “But Ward–“

Kiros: “Shut up!”

Lark: *interjecting* “Kiros is here because he makes fun of Laguna through Ward.”

Laguna: “He does?”

Kiros: “Ward says you’re an idiot!”

Lark: “Next vict–er…patient!”

Cloud: *gets up, scratching his head* “Uh…I’m….” *looks down at his hand like he’s trying to read something off it* “Cloud….and I’m here….” *looks around* “Where am I?”

Lark: “Cloud’s here because he’s a little confused.”

Cid: *gets up* “@#$%!”

Shell: “Without the curses, please.”

Cid: “I’m Cid Highwind, and I don’t know why the @#$% I’m here.”

Lark: “Think a little @#$% harder.”

Cid: *frowns* “I @#$% get it.”

Barret: “Yo! I’m Barret Wallace, and I don’t know why I’m here.”

Red: “Why don’t you ask me?”

Barret: *sits* “Oh.”

Yuffie: “Hey, does anyone here have any materia?”

Seifer: *mumbles* “That’s why she’s here….”

Shell: “Okay, let’s keep it moving!”

Sephiroth: *pouts, arms crossed* “There’s *nothing* wrong with me.”

Reno: *leans over and whispers* “If you don’t get up I’ll tell everyone who you like….”

Sephiroth: *leaps to his feet* “I’m Sephiroth and I’m here cause I’m violent and I’m mean to everyone.”

Lark: *shocked* “Couldn’t have said it better myself.”

Reno: “I’m Reno, and this here’s Rude. We’re here….cause we like to drink.”

Rude: “……a lot.”

Reno: “Yeah, a lot. But I don’t see anything wrong with that!”

Shell: “That’s why it’s a problem.”

(silence. everyone looks at Irvine)

Irvine: “Oh, I’m not here for the therapy.”

Lark: *comes up behind him* “This is Irvine Kinneas everyone. And he’s here cause he’s obsessed with woman!”

Irvine: “I don’t see you complainin’.”

Lark: “…………………………………………………..that’s besides the point.”

Kiros: “Ward says he’s bored….”

Laguna: *looking around* “I don’t see Ward anywhere….!!”

Shell: “Okay, well, I think I have a solution to everyone’s problems.”

Lark: “Good. Let’s hear it.” *smiles confidently*

Shell: *reading off the notes she took* “Quistis, stop stealing. Squall, start talking. Zell, stop flipping out over every little thing. Seifer, stop picking on Zell. Kiros, start insulting Laguna without blaming Ward. Cloud, start paying attention to what’s going on. Cid, stop cursing. Barret, leave Red alone. Yuffie, stop talking about materia all the time. Sephiroth, stop fighting and being mean. Reno and Rude, start drinking something non-alcoholic, and Irvine…well, I can’t fix your problem.”

Lark: *jaw dropped* “That didn’t do anything! They’re not cured! Just telling them not to do it won’t help! Don’t you have to get to root of the problem…or, or something!?”

Shell: *shrugs* “I dunno. I’m no doctor.”

Irvine: *gets up and stretches* “Well I’m cured.” *looks at his watch* “Hey, Lark, it’s almost time for our date!”

Sephiroth: “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…..”

Lark: “Oh! I’ll meet you outside!” *Irvine leaves*

Reeve: *tapping her on the shoulder* “Can I have my paper clip back?”

Lark: “Oh! Here you are.” *goes to leave, but is stopped by Shell*

Shell: “You’re going out with Irvine?”

Lark: “Tonight, yeah. Why?”

Shell: “Well, you know you’re not really helping.”

Lark: *shrugs* “Until we get them some *professional* help, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!” *leaves*

Rufus: *putting away his gun* “All in a day’s work.”

Reeve: “What are you talking about?”

Rufus: “Shut up.” *leaves*

Seifer: *goes over to Reno* “Hey, Reno….did you think of any events for the next time those Gundam Wing dorks come back?”

Reno: “Yeah, I’ve been working on it.”

Seifer: “Who have you told about it?”

Reno: “Not too many people….”

Seifer: “Did you tell Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth: “Tell me what?”

Reno: “No….” *grins* “Hey, Sephiroth, you don’t like those Gundam Wing guys, do you?”

Sephiroth: *growls* “No.”

Reno: “I didn’t think so. You want to help us beat them? Next time they come, we’re gonna challenge them to a series of events. That’ll show the girls who’s better.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t usually cooperate with others…but if it’s against those stupid little boys, I’m in.”

Shell: “What are you talking about over there?”

Reno, Seifer, and Sephiroth: “Nothing!!!”


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