#52 – Lark Leonhart

Squall: “Whatev- aw, dammit!”

Originally Published: 10/25/00 . 19 pages

Rinoa breaks up with Squall for Kiros! Can Lark and Squall’s pretend relationship get them back together again?

Ramble Milestones
-First appearance of the porch swing.

If I was judging these now I’m not sure this one would have made “medal” status. There are amusing bits, and there’s a decent story, but why the hell does Lark let Sephiroth watch her make out with someone? That is weird. And I wrote this. Plot device – that’s why. Anyway, let’s say a warm welcome to the under used porch swing and wonder when the hell last time Celebrity Deatch Match was actually on TV.

(lark and sephiroth are in the ramble room. he’s lying on the couch and lark is fiddling with the radio)

Lark: “Can’t I find a station *not* playing B.B. Mack or Dave Matthew’s Band?!” *shudders*

Sephiroth: “Guess not.”

(switches to the oldies station which is playing the song ‘one way or another’ by blondie)

Lark: “Ooh! This song rocks!” *sings along* “One way or another. I’m gonna find ya. I’m gonna get ya get ya get ya get ya one way or another…”

(seph sits up and turns around to look at her. lark catches him looking at her and stops singing, blushing somewhat)

Sephiroth: “You didn’t have to stop…”

Lark: *shrugs not looking back at him* “Well…”

(before seph can reply, squall and rinoa enter, looking mad)

Squall: “You’re dumping me for Kiros?! He’s a jerk!”

Rinoa: “At least he doesn’t reply with one word to everything!”

Squall: “He blames everything on Ward!”

Rinoa: “We’re broken up, Squall. I’m sorry.”

Squall: *clenches fists* “…You…you…crackwhore!”

(lark gasps and rinoa stomps towards the door where she stops and turns to glare at him)

Rinoa: “*You* should have got stuck driving the Garden!” *stomps out*

Squall: “No! Anything but that!” *sad sigh*

Sephiroth: *chuckles* “That was a show.”

Lark: “Squall! You broke up with Rinoa?!”

Squall: *sighs* “Yeah… She’s dating Kiros now. She says I’m too boring for her anymore.”

Lark: *kind of disgusted* “Kiros? Ugh. Man, that’s like me dating Cid!”

Sephiroth: “I bet you’d rather date me, right, Lark?” *hopeful look*

Squall: *shrugs* “Well, she likes him.” *hangs head* “I can’t believe I lost her.”

Lark: “Aw!” *hugs squall* “Don’t worry, Squall! I’ll talk to her for you.”

Sephiroth: “No one loves *me*! Why don’t *I* get a hug!?”

Lark: “Sephy-sama, I’ll hug you later.”

Sephiroth: *mumbles* “I’m going to hold you to that.”

Squall: *hopefully* “You’ll talk to Rinoa for me? Really?”

Lark: “Sure! You two are both good friends of mine! I don’t want to see you apart!”

Sephiroth: “What about you and I, Lark? We’re good friends, right?”

Lark: *rolls eyes* “Sephiroth… We’re practically attached at the hip.”

Sephiroth: *mumbles* “I’d like to be attached in another way.”

Lark: “I’ll go talk to her right now, okay?” *hugs squall tight before going to the door* “It’ll be fine, Squall.” *looks at seph* “You keep him company, sweetie.” *leaves*

Sephiroth: “Sweetie?! I’m not sweet!” *blushes and looks at squall* “So…”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Sephiroth: “See!” *points at him* “That’s why she dumped your taciturn ass! You can’t carry on a conversation!”

Squall: “…You can’t go five minutes without mentioning killing.”

Sephiroth: “…..So we both have problems. Since we’re stuck here, we might as well try to have some kind of normal conversation.”

Squall: “Whatev- aw, dammit!”

(rinoa is talking to Ashley and Noelle as lark approaches)

Ashley: “You dumped Squall?! What the hell did you do *that* for?”

Noelle: “And if you say to go out with Zell, I think I’m gonna vomit.”

Rinoa: “No! I’m dating Kiros!”

Ashley and Noelle: *stare dumbfounded*

Ashley: “…Kiros?”

Noelle: “The ‘Ward Says’ Kiros?!”

Rinoa: *grins* “Yup! Isn’t it great?”

Ashley: “Have you been taking more crack than usual?”

Noelle: “Did Squall whack you with his gunblade?”

Rinoa: “No!” *pause* “And I don’t take crack. I don’t understand why everyone’s so disgusted by it!”

Ashley: “It’s Kiros!”

Lark: *comes over* “Hey, girls.”

Noelle: “Rinoa dumped Squall for Kiros!”

Lark: “I know.” *turns to rinoa* “Can I talk to you a minute?”

Rinoa: “Yeah…”

(lark grabs rinoa’s arm and drags her to the opposite end of the room)

Ashley: “Looks like the two crackwhores wanna be alone!”

Noelle: “Ashley… You *just* called Lark a crackwhore.”

Ashley: “She knows I’m kidding.” *they both leave*

Lark: “Rinoa, Squall is really upset.”

Rinoa: “Good! He shouldn’t have been such a jerk!”

Lark: “He wants to get back together with you!”

Rinoa: *crosses her arms* “Too bad. He missed his chance.”

Lark: “Come on! You guys are like *destined* or something!”

Rinoa: “You mean like you and Sephiroth?”

Lark: “Huh?”

Rinoa: “Never mind. I’m not getting back together with Squall. Forget it.”

Lark: “You know you still love him! I bet it would kill you if he went out with someone else!”

Rinoa: “It would not! Go ahead! Let him date whoever he wants!” *goes off*

Lark: *raises an eyebrow* “Geez, is every girl here a total bitch?!” *thinks a minute* “Hmm… So she wouldn’t mind, huh?”

(back at the ramble room, seph and squall are seated at the table across from one another, deep in conversation…..)

Squall: “So let me get this straight. She *asked* you if you liked her, and you said *no*?!”

Sephiroth: “I froze up! It was all so sudden!”

Squall: “You’re a moron!”

Sephiroth: “Shut up! You’re a loser! You’re girlfriend dumped you for an even bigger jerk!”

Squall: *pause* “You’re right…”

(lark comes back in)

Lark: “Hey, boys.”

Squall: *getting up* “How did it go?”

Lark: “Um….”

Squall: *unhappy sigh* “She wouldn’t listen, huh?”

Lark: “No…”

Sephiroth: “Ha ha! Sucks to be you!”

Squall: *turns to sephiroth and glares* “Well *you* didn’t tell her the truth when she asked you if you li–“

Sephiroth: *frantically jumps out of his chair and claps a hand over squall’s mouth* “Quiet, you!”

Lark: *sweat drops* “I’m not even gonna ask.” *sighs* “Sephiroth, will you leave me and Squall alone for a few minutes?”

Sephiroth: “Huh?”

Lark: “You heard me.”

Sephiroth: *mumbles* “Yeah, but I didn’t want to.” *he leaves*

Squall: “Is something wrong?”

Lark: “No… In fact, I think I have a way to get you and Rinoa back together.”

Squall: “How!?”

Lark: “Well, she said she didn’t care if you dated someone else, but I bet she’s lying. If you go out with someone else she’ll get really jealous, realizes she still loves you, and send Kiros blaming the break up on Ward.”

Squall: *thoughtfully* “Hmm… I like that idea. But who should I date?”

Lark: *raises her eyebrows and smiles*

Squall: “You?” *gulp*

Lark: “Why not? Something wrong with me?”

Squall: *murmurs* “I don’t really want to die…”

Lark: *frowns* “You don’t like me?”

Squall: “It’s not that…. All right. Fine. We’re dating.”

Lark: “Great! And don’t tell anyone this is all a sham either, or Rinoa will find out. We have to act like boyfriend and girlfriend.”

Squall: *nods* “All right.”

Lark: “So…. should we go announce it, *honey*?” *laughs*

Squall: “Let’s go *sweetie*.” *grins*

(they leave the room)

(meanwhile, sephy has migrated to the tv room where reno, reeve, tseng, rufus, zell, irvine and vincent have gathered to watch celebrity death match on mtv)

Zell: “I love this show! It kicks major ass!”

Reno: “I like the blood!” *takes a sip of beer*

Rufus: *looking bored* “I’d like it if we changed the channel.”

Irvine: “It’s not such a bad show.” *drinks from his beer bottle*

Tseng: “Can’t we watch something more worthwhile?”

Reeve: “Yeah, really.”

Vincent: “I agree as well.”

Reno: “Well shut up! That’s too bad!”

Zell: *punches air* “Yeah! Back off! You wanna mess with me?!”

Rufus: “Actually, Reno. You’re outnumbered. There are *four* votes to change the channel.”

Reno: *sweat drops* “Yeah, but…. You got all the wimpy people.”

Vincent and Tseng: *raise eyebrows* “Hm?”

Reno: *more sweat drops* “With two notable exceptions. Eh heh heh…”

Zell: *points to the screen* “Someone’s dying!!”

Reno: “Ooh!” *turns back to the tv*

(sephiroth enters)

Sephiroth: “What’s up, losers?”

Vincent: “Hello, angel.”

Sephiroth: *labored sigh*

Zell: “What’s up, ‘Roth? We’re watchin’ Celebrity Death Match!”

Sephiroth: “Ooh! Killing!” *jumps over the back of the couch and sits between tseng and vincent*

Reeve: “Their side is even again. And they have Sephiroth.”

Rufus: *pouts* “Well I’m President of Shinra. And I could sell Reno’s sorry ass if I wanted to!”

Reeve: “You already did, remember?”

Rufus: “….Shut up! I could sell him again!”

(the door opens and lark and squall come in, arms around one another)

Zell: “Yo! Sup, Squall?” *blinks* “Whatcha doing with Lark?”

Squall: “Lark and I are going out.”

Guys: “WHAT?!”

Sephiroth: “You’re kidding, right? Tell me you’re kidding.”

Lark: *smiles* “Nope. Squall and I are really going out.”

Irvine: “But what about Rinoa?”

Squall: “She dumped me for Kiros. That’s fine with me. I’d rather date Lark anyway.”

Zell: “Lark! You dumped me for my best friend?!”

Lark: “…I dumped you awhile ago, Zell.”

Zell: “Oh. Right.”

Irvine: “Yeah, Lark! You dated the other two guys from my game, but not me!”

Lark: “Irvine, you don’t want to date anyone. You wanna sleep around.”

Irvine: “….True.”

Sephiroth: “This is bogus! You never liked her before!”

Squall: “Of course I did. I just never talked about it like the rest of you jerks.”

Rufus: “Damn you for being quiet, Squall!”

Lark: “Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to spread the word.” *they leave*

Sephiroth: *clenches fists* “Grrrrr….” *is growing red in the face*

Zell: “My best friend stole the girl I like!”

Rufus: “Why won’t she date anyone from seven?” *pouts*

Reeve: “This all seems kinda weird….”

Tseng: “Sort of suspicious.”

Sephiroth: *bursts out crying* “It’s just not fair, dammit!” *starts banging his head against the couch*

Vincent: “Now, now, angel. Don’t hurt yourself over it.”

Reno: *eyes back to the tv* “Ooh! Blood and guts! Blood and guts!”

Vincent: “Look, angel. There’s violence. Just like you like.”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “I don’t care.”

Irvine: “All right, I’m takin’ bets. How long do you think they’ll last?”

Reno: “Longer than her and Zell.”

Rufus: “Two weeks.”

Reeve: “Two days.”

Zell: *breaking out of a trance the tv put him in* “Huh? Was my name mentioned?”

(meanwhile, Ashley, Noelle, shell, Katie and Lizzie are all sitting on the porch. Katie is braiding Lizzie’s hair, Ashley is reading a sailor moon manga, and Noelle and shell are sitting on the porch swing)

Shell: “When did we get this swing?”

Noelle: “Rufus bought it.”

Shell: “When?”

Noelle: “Does it matter?”

Shell: “Guess not.”

Lizzie: “Katie, I told you I *didn’t* want you to touch my hair!”

Katie: “Tee hee! But it looks so cute!”

Ashley: *mutters as she read* “Stupid Sailor Saturn…. Stupid crackwhore.”

(lark comes out with squall, their arms still around one another)

Katie: “Hi, Lark! Hi, Squall!”

Noelle: “…Why do you have your arms around one another?”

Lark: “Cause we’re going out.”

Ashley: *drops the manga* “WHAT?!”

Lark: “I said we’re–“

Ashley: “I *heard* you! I was just surprised.”

Lizzie: “I thought you loved Rinoa!”

Squall: “We broke up. I’ve always liked Lark better.”

Noelle: *mumbles* “Just add him to the list of her many drooling admirers.”

Lizzie: “This is *too* weird! My best friend is dating my boyfriend’s *son*!”

Lark: *giggles* “Maybe we could double date.”

Squall: “Hell no.”

Lark: “Just kidding, sweetie.”

Shell: “When did we get this porch swing?”

Lark: “Rufus bought it.”

Noelle: *turns to shell* “I just *told* you that.”

Shell: “I was just trying to confirm it!”

Lark: “Yeah. Well anyway, just thought you’d like to know.” *she and squall go back inside*

Ashley: “Looks like Squall has an eye for crackwhores.”

Noelle: “Why do you keep calling her that?”

Ashley: “She knows I’m kidding.”

(later that day….)

(lark and squall are in the ramble room, sitting on the couch. she’s reading animerica, he’s reading weapons monthly… when suddenly, they hear footsteps)

Lark: *looks up from magazine wide eyed and turns to squall* “Hurry! Let’s make out!”

Squall: “Right.” *they drop their magazines and start going at it like their plane is going down*

(the door opens)

Laguna: *bounds in* “Hey hey! I–” *notices lark and squall* “Whoa! *This* was a bad time!” *turns to leave*

Lark: *breaks away from squall blushing* “Oh, hi, Laguna.”

Squall: “Get lost.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! I just heard! This is great now! I’m friends with Kiros, and you’re friends with Lizzie, so we can all go on a triple date!”

Squall: *glares*

Laguna: *sweat drops* “Oops! Heh heh… I forgot that was your ex-girlfriend he’s dating.”

Squall: “You’re  a moron.”

Lark: “Don’t be mean to your father!”

Squall: “Listen, we were kind of in the middle of something, so if you don’t mind…”

Laguna: *backs up holds his hands up in defense* “Hey hey! I understand! Just remember to use protection!” *leaves*

Squall: *hits himself in the forehead* “My god, I am going to kill him.”

Lark: *blushes* “What kind of reputation do I have around here?”

Squall: “I still cling to the hope we’re not related.”

(they go back to their magazines for a few minutes until they hear footsteps again, look at each other, drop the magazines and go back at it again. the door opens)

Sephiroth: *glares* “Grrrr….”

Lark: “Mmm…” *breaks away from squall and turns* “Sephiroth, we’re busy.”

Sephiroth: *glares*

Lark: *sighs* “Fine. You can sit at the table. But no talking.”

(sephiroth sits down)

Squall: *blinks* “You’re letting him watch?”

Lark: “It’s the only way to shut him up. I used to have to let him watch me and Zell all the time.” *pause* “Does it bother you?”

Squall: *looks from lark to seph and back again as an evil grin pops up on his face* “No. Not at all.”

Lark: “Great then.” *they start going back at it*

(it is obvious that squall is really playing it up to get seph jealous. to keep it simple, he’s going about as far as he can without needing laguna’s advice. but they’re both losing clothes and several minutes later they’re squall’s stripped to the waist, and the only clothing lark has on above the waist is her bra, and he’s got her pinned against the couch. sephiroth is *not* a happy camper…)

Sephiroth: *growl*

Lark: *trying to talk while squall kisses her so it sounds very mangled* “Sephiroth, I told you to be quiet!”

Sephiroth: “Well, can’t you have your *boyfriend* show some *decency* while other people are around?”

Lark: *words still mangled by squall’s lips* “You shouldn’t be here at all!”

Sephiroth: “That’s a minor detail.”

Squall: *stops kissing her a minute* “How the hell does he understand you?”

Lark: *shrugs* “I dunno. We’re just like that.”

(there are more footsteps and lark and squall’s eyes widen as they immediately start going at it again. the door opens..)

Rinoa: *with her arm around kiros* *looks at lark and squall* “So it is true.”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Unfortunately.”

Kiros: “Ward says he hates PDA!”

Squall: *breaks away from lark and glares at him* “First of all, Ward isn’t here. Second of all, this *isn’t* PDA, and third of all your girlfriend is how many years younger than you–cradle robber!!”

Rinoa: “Squall!”

Kiros: “…Ward says….your father’s an idiot!”

Squall: “And that’s supposed to make me mad because…?”

Rinoa: “Squall, I can’t believe you got another girlfriend so quickly.”

Squall: “Well, I needed someone good after I had *you*.”

Rinoa: *gasps*

Lark: “Um… Maybe we should all–“

Rinoa: “Whatever, Squall!” *stomps out*

Kiros: *running after her* “Rinoa! Wait up! I mean, Ward says wait up! I mean, aw f*ck it!”

(seph, lark and squall are all silent a moment)

Squall: *gets up and grabs his clothes* “I’m gonna take a shower. Okay?”

Lark: *putting her shirt back on* “Sure.”

(squall sighs and leaves)

Sephiroth: “You know, Lark… You never showed any real interest in Squall before.”

Lark: *shrugs* “What does that mean?”

(she leaves)

Sephiroth: “Hmmmm….”

(the next day…. lark and squall are alone in the ramble room, but with their magazines)

Lark: *turns the page* “You know, Squall. I think you’ll have Rinoa back by tonight.”

Squall: *looks at her* “What makes you say that?”

Lark: *looks at him* “Are you kidding me!? Did you *see* the expression on her face?! She was *dying*.”

Squall: “I hope you’re right.”

(they go back to their magazines for a minute, and then out of nowhere squall turns to lark)

Squall: “All right, as your pretend boyfriend, I think I’m entitled to know who you really like.”

Lark: *blushes* “Well, I like Irvine, Rufus and Zell….” *looks away*

Squall: “Even Cloud can see that. I’m talking about who you *really* like. You wouldn’t blush if you were telling the truth.”

Lark: *defensively* “I am *not* blushing!” *blushes more* “And why are you talking so much all of the sudden? Can’t you go back to saying ‘whatever’ a lot?”

Squall: “Sephiroth said to work on my communication skills.”

Lark: “Sephiroth… Said that…?”

Squall: *jaw drops* “You like Sephiroth, don’t you.”

Lark: “No! God no! I can’t like him! He’s…. Sephiroth!”

Squall: *doesn’t look convinced*

Lark: “What! I’m telling the truth!”

Squall: *goes to talk but gets cut off when the door opens*

Rinoa: *entering shyly* “Hi, Squall.”

Squall: *looks at her* “Hi, Rinoa.”

Rinoa: “Squall? Um… Can I talk to you outside for a minute?”

Squall: “Sure.”

(he leaves with rinoa. lark smiles. just as she picks up her magazine, seph enters)

Sephiroth: “Hi, Lark. Still going out with Squall?”

Lark: “Yup.” *peers at him over the magazine* “Come sit next to me, Sephy. I think we need to talk.”

Sephiroth: *sits* “I swear I haven’t killed anyone in the last few days, so if you found any bodies, they’re not mine.”

Lark: “Um… No… I thought we might talk about you and me.”

Sephiroth: *eagerly* “What about us?”

Lark: “Just about how I like having you nearby, but how you have to back off a little. *Especially* when I have a boyfriend.”

Sephiroth: “What if you *didn’t* have a boyfriend?”

Lark: *shrugs* “Then whatever.”

Sephiroth: “Hmmm….”

(meanwhile squall and rinoa are out on the porch)

Rinoa: “All right, Squall. I’m gonna level with you. I’m totally jealous of Lark and I’m sorry that I broke up with you. Plus, Kiros was getting on my nerves. I don’t think I can ever look at Ward again! I dumped him, and I want you back.” *shuffles feet* “That is… If you want me.”

Squall: *thinks to himself* Oh man, Lark called it. *says casually* “Yeah, all right, Rinoa. I guess I can take you back.” *holds her and goes to kiss her*

Rinoa: *pulling back a little* “Um… Shouldn’t you break up with Lark first?”

Squall: *calls* “Lark! We’re broken up!” *kisses rinoa*

(cut to lark who’s playing with sephy’s hair and placing nipping kisses to his nose while he smiles)

Lark: “Okay!”

Sephiroth: “That was fast.”

Lark: “Looks like I’m single again.”

Sephiroth: “Does that mean I can do this?” *leans in to kiss her*

Lark: *doesn’t even notice and gets up* “I better tell everyone.”

Sephiroth: *falls forward on his face* “Umph!”

Lark: *turns around* “Sephy, what are you doing?”

Sephiroth: “Hurting my pride.”

Lark: *laughs* “Come on, Sephy. Let’s go.”

(rufus, reeve, reno, zell, irvine, tseng, and vincent are in the tv room once again, watching more celebrity death match)

Reno: “Whoo hoo! A whole marathon!”

Zell: “You said it!”

Irvine: “Yee haw!”

(rufus, reeve, tseng and vincent all look bored, heads resting in their hands)

Rufus: “This sucks. I’m bored.”

Reeve: “Why did we come back….?”

Tseng: “Morbid curiosity….?”

Vincent: “I was here before they got here. I was simply too comfortable to move.”

(lark enters with sephiroth)

Lark: “Hey, boys!”

Irvine: “Well, well, well! If it isn’t Squall’s girlfriend!”

Lark: “Squall’s *ex* girlfriend.” *grins and sits between irvine and rufus*

Guys: “What?!”

Sephiroth: *jumps over the back of the couch and plops down between vincent and tseng* “They broke up. Squall’s back with Rinoa.”

Irvine: *digging out money* “Okay, who said two days?”

Reeve: “That was me!”

Irvine: “Dammit!” *gives him the money*

Lark: “Hey! Were you betting on my relationship!?”

Rufus: “Yes.”

Lark: *grins and puts arms around rufus and irvine* “That’s why I love you guys.”

Reno: “All right, Lark, why’d you *really* date Squall?”

Sephiroth: “Huh?” *looks interested*

Lark: “So he could get Rinoa back. That’s all.”

Sephiroth: *gets very red in the face* “You mean… You mean… You mean and you still…”

Lark: *looks at him* “Something wrong, Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth: *gets to his feet and declares* “He did that on purpose!”

Lark: “Did what?”

Sephiroth: “Excuse me.” *leaps back over the couch and leaves*

Vincent: *frowns* “My angel left.”

Tseng: “What was *that* all about?”

Reeve: *counting his money* “What should I do with this?”

Rufus: “Donate it to Shinra!”

Reeve: *looks at rufus and starts laughing hysterically*

Rufus: “What? What’s funny?!”

Zell: “Shut up you guys! I can’t hear the fighting!”

(everyone quiets down but there’s some muffled screaming and the sound of something banging)

Vincent: “Do you hear something?”

Reno, Zell and Irvine: *eyes glued to the screen* “Nah.”


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