# 5 – I’ve Never Kissed A Gundam Pilot!

Duo: “Hey, Ashley, that guy…uh…with the thing…that we know…he just left…out the thing….in the wall.”

Originally Published: 6/12/00 . 13 pages

When the Gundam Wing guys come by to visit, a game of I’ve Never breaks out. Hijinks are certain to follow!

Ramble Milestones
-First appearence of Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre and Wufei

This was the first crossover ramble, back in the days when I did a crossover ramble every 5 rambles. You know how long that lasted? 15 rambles. But anyway, this first crossover ramble is pretty amusing. I think Lark and Heero’s drunken discussions of who’s who is classic. In terms of characterization, the Gundam Wing guys haven’t changed much. Quatre’s always walked around calling everything beautiful, Heero’s always been kind of cold and battle focused, Duo’s normal, Trowa’s obsessed with dying, and Wufei’s a jackass.

(Sephiroth’s pacing in the “room”. Seifer and Squall are on the couch, just sitting like truck drivers. Rufus, Reeve, Reno and Vincent are sitting around the table, heads resting in their hands, bored out of their skulls. Shell is painting Cloud’s nails. Irvine and Barret are talking about guns and Cid’s asleep.)

Sephiroth: *growing impatient* “Where is she? She said she was bringing special guests today, didn’t she?”

(Everyone shrugs)

Shell: “I think yellow is really your color, Cloud.”

Cloud: *admiring his nails* “Yeah….”

(Lark comes in with Ashley and Noelle. There are 5 short teenage boys with her)

Sephiroth: “Lark!” *runs over to hug her, but stops when he sees the boys and glares* “Hey, no pre-schoolers!”

Lark: “Sephiroth! These are our special guests, the pilots from Gundam Wing!”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “Oh. Those losers.” *glares at the boys* “I’ve heard about you.”

Heero: *nudging Lark* “Is he the one you were–“

Lark: *coughs* “Hey, hey! Who said anything about anybody!” *nervous laughter* “Let’s all get acquainted, shall we?”

(Everyone walks into the room. Duo and Ashley immediately start making out)

Shell: “Trowa!” *runs over to him.*

Cloud: *frowns* “My nails…”

Trowa: “Hi….”

Shell: “Do you know who I am?”

Trowa: “No….”

(Shell smacks him upside the head)

Trowa: “Oh! Yeah! Hi, Shell.”

Lark: “Ok. Heero, Duo, Quatre, Trowa and…” *grimace* “Wu-fei, this is Sephiroth, Seifer, Squall, Rufus, Reno, Reeve, Vincent, Cloud, Irvine, Barret and Cid.”

Wu-fei: *mutters* “Weaklings.”

Quatre: “What a beautiful room! You’ve done a beautiful job with it! It’s just so beau–“

Noelle: *pokes him* “Shut up!”

Heero: *nudges Lark* “Uh, Lark….Ashley and Duo…”

Lark: *sees what he’s talking about and marches you over* “You guys…can you keep your hands off each other for 5 minutes?!”

Duo: *pulling away* “Not really.”

Barret: *smacking Cid* “Yo, Cid! Get yo’ ass up!”

Cid: *opening his eyes* “@#$%&^@#*&!”

Lark: “So what have you guys been up to while we were gone?”

Rufus: “Nothing.”

Cid: “@#%#$&^.”

Cloud: *holds up his hands* “Nails.”

Sephiroth: “Okay, we’ve met your friends. Can they leave now?”

Lark: “Sephiroth! They just got here.”

Sephiroth: *crosses his arms, muttering* “Well, I don’t like them.”

Wu-fei: *mutters* “Stupid weakling.”

Irvine: “Howdy everyone!”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, cowboy geek.”

Irvine: *glares* “I wasn’t saying howdy to you.”

Lark: *stepping between them* “Eh heh heh. Now boys, let’s not fight in front of our guests!”

Noelle: “Why don’t we play a game….or something?”

Reno: *jumping to his feet and smiling at Noelle* “I’ve got just the thing!” *goes into the fridge and comes out with a few bottles of wine*

Noelle: “Now you’re talking!”

Lark: “How is a bottle of wine a game all of the sudden?”

Reno: “We can play ‘I’ve Never’!”

Rufus: “Oh no….”

Reeve: “What’s wrong, Rufus?”

Rufus: *glares at Reno* “Nothing…”

Barret: “Yo! How do you play?”

Reno: “It’s easy! Everyone gets a glass and you sit around in a circle. Then you go around, and everyone has to name something that they haven’t, or have if you really want, done. Then everyone who has done it has to take a drink.”

Heero: “Isn’t that pretty much a glorified way to get drunk?”

Noelle: “Shut up, Heero! You’re playing. Everyone get in a circle!”

(Everyone gets in a circle in this order: Sephiroth, Lark, Heero, Duo, Ashley, Noelle, Quatre, Trowa, Shell, Wu-fei, Barret, Cid, Cloud, Squall, Seifer, Irvine, Reno, Rufus, Reeve and Vincent.)

Reno: *pouring the drinks and passing them around* “This is a really fun game, right, Rufus?”

Rufus: *grumbles* “Yeah….sure.”

Cloud: “What are we doing?”

Seifer: “Too bad chicken wuss isn’t here. I could really embarrass him!” *nudges Squall* “But I can torment you instead, Squall!”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Quatre: *uncertainly* “I don’t know about this…I’m under age.”

Noelle: “So am I. So are half the people here. That’s not stopping them.”

Quatre: “I don’t know….”

Noelle: “Come on, Quatre.” *bats eyelashes* “Please?”

Quatre: *sighs* “All right.”

Reno: “Okay, who wants to start?”


Reno: *smacks Rufus on the back* “Okay, Rufus, thanks for volunteering!”

Rufus *mumbles* “Stupid drunk.” *normally* “Okay….uh….I’ve never…uh…” *thinks*

Reno: “We don’t have all day here!”

Sephiroth: *sniffing the wine* “This stuff is cheap.”

Reno: *to Sephiroth* “Hey, well *excuse* me.” *pushes Rufus* “Hurry up!”

Rufus: “Hey, you made me go! I didn’t say I was ready! Fine…I’ve never tried to kill Cloud.”

Cloud: “Huh?”

(Rufus, Reno, and Sephiroth all drink. Sephiroth doesn’t stop.)

Lark: *hits Sephiroth* “Save some for later!”

Rufus: “Your turn, Reeve.”

Reeve: *thinks* “I’ve never–“

Sephiroth: “Hurry up! I’m thirsty!”

Reeve: *grinds teeth* “I’ve never wished Sephiroth would shut the @#%@# up!”

(Everyone drinks except Sephiroth, Wu-fei, Quatre, Duo and Trowa)

Sephiroth: *to Heero* “You don’t even know me!”

Heero: *drinking* “I’ve seen enough.”

(Sephy glares at him)

Vincent: “My turn I suppose.” *thinks* “I’ve never burned down a town.”

Sephiroth: *drinking–the only one* “Oh that was on purpose.”

Lark: “Come on, Sephy. Your turn.”

Sephiroth: *glares at everyone* “I’ve never killed someone.”

Lark: “Ew! You had to ask that?!”

(Everyone drinks except Lark, Shell, Noelle, Ashley, Seifer, Reeve and Rufus)

Reno: “Oh, come on, Rufus. You’ve killed someone at one point or another!”

Rufus: *thinking hard* “No…I really don’t think I have.”

Seifer: “Who’d you kill, Leonhart?”

Squall: “Ultimecia.”

Irvine: “Me too!”

Seifer: *crosses arms and pouts* “Big deal.”

Lark: “Okay, my turn.” *thinks* “I’ve never…..uh….”

(Reno takes a drink)

Rufus: *hitting Reno* “Stop drinking between rounds, you crazy drunk!”

Reno: *points at Noelle* “She’s doing it!”

Noelle: *looks around innocently* “Have not!”

Quatre: “Noelle!”

Noelle: *hiccup* “Whoops.”

Lark: “Shut up! It’s my turn! Uh…I’ve never….”

Sephiroth: “Get on with it, woman!”

Wu-fei: *mutters* “Stupid woman.”

Lark: *glaring* “I’ve never wished that Sephiroth and Wu-fei would banish off the face of the planet!”

(Everyone drinks, except, obviously, Wu-fei and Sephiroth)

Irvine: “I don’t know about this Woofie guy, but I’m all for Sephiroth!”

Wu-fei: “It’s Wu-fei, cowboy geek.”

Sephiroth: “Hey! Why all the personal attacks on me!?” *glares at Irvine* “I’ll get you good.”

(Several more rounds go by, and everyone begins to get tipsy. Everyone’s speech is slurred)

Reno: *singing* “You drive me crazy! I just can’t sleep! I’m so excited, I’m in too deep! Whooo!”

Rufus: *pushes him, but pretty much just ends up falling over. He picks himself up* “Shu’ up.”

Lark: *drunkenly leaning on Heero* “Whose turn is it?”

Shell: “Mine. Lemme think.” *thinks*

Sephiroth: *holding his glass high in the air* “I will become one with the planet!”

Reeve: *half asleep* “Sure….”

Seifer: *putting his arm around Squall* “I love you, man.”

Squall: *pushing Seifer off him* “Whatever.”

Cloud: *to Cid* “Hey, I know you. You’re Cid Highwind.”

Barret: “Yo! Cloud recog–recog–aw, hell. I forgit the word.”

Wu-fei: “Recognized?” *mutters* “Moron.”

Barret: “Yeah! He did what he said,” *points to Wu-fei* “to him!” *points to Cid*

Vincent: “……yeah.” *hiccup*

Irvine: “Yee haw!” *claps a hand on Seifer’s shoulder* “Hey, ya know, Seifer, you’re a pretty cool guy.”

Seifer: *putting his hand on Irvine’s shoulder* “You’re pretty cool too, Irvine. Hey, since we’re buddies, can I wear your hat?”

Irvine: “Sure, buddy!” *gives his hat to Seifer*

Duo: *to Ashley* “I love you, babe.”

Ashley: *looking into her glass* “Then get me more wine.”

Quatre: *looking at his glass* “This is pretty good.”

Noelle: *leaning on him* “Told ya.”

Shell: “I got one! I’ve never kissed a Gundam pilot!”


Sephiroth: “Who would want to do that?”

(all the girls drink)

Sephiroth: “Hey!” *glares at Lark, then at Heero. mumbles* “I don’t like him….jest wait till I take over the planet…” *hiccup*

Noelle: “Let me go!”

Wu-fei: “It’s not your turn, woman!”

Noelle: “Shu’ up, Woof-woof! I’ve never kissed anyone in this room!”

(All the girls drink, as do all the pilots except Wu-fei, and Irvine, Reno and Rufus drink too)

Sephiroth: *frowns* “Hey!” *mumbles* “Sluts.”

Lark: *pushes him* “Shu’ up.”

Sephiroth: *pushes her back* “You shu’ up!”

Reno: *sings* “You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals—“

Rufus: *shoves him* “Shu’ up, Reno!”

Wu-fei: *mutters* “Weaklings.”

(several more rounds go by. Now everyone is really, *really* drunk and they don’t know what’s going on.)

Barret: “Yo! Listen up! Cid has one!”

(everyone listens)

Cid: “@#$%@   &^*# @  #@&^><:  ^{:@#}$:/!”

(everyone drinks)

Vincent: “Who hasn’t?”

Ashley: “That was a good one, right, Duo?”

Duo: *leaning on her* “Huh?”

Cloud: “I’ll take some more wine, please.”

Barret: “The hell’s wrong with you?”

Wu-fei: “Who are you talking about?”

Barret: “That guy.” *points to Cloud*

Cloud: “Excuse me? Are you referring to me?”

Quatre: “So tired…” *falls alseep with his head in Noelle’s lap*

Lark: *to Heero* “Whose turn is it, Sephiroth?”

Heero: “I’m not Sephiroth. I’m Duo, remember?”

Lark: *puts a hand to her head* “Have I been calling you Heero?”

Noelle: *pushing Quatre* “Get off me, Quatre.”

(Quatre ends up face down on the floor)

Heero: *to Lark* “I can’t believe you don’t remember my name. I’m Duo. That’s Heero.” *points to Wu-fei.*

Wu-fei: “Don’t insult me like that! You suck!”

Lark: “Then who’s that?” *points to Sephiroth*

Heero: *shrugs* “I dunno.*

Cloud: “Excuse me! I require more wine.”

Reno, Irvine and Seifer: *singing* “—That thong, thong, thong, thong, thong!”

Rufus: *covering his ears* “Shu’ up! I hate that song!”

(Reeve falls over. Vincent starts to twitch)

Seifer: “Come on, Squall! Join on in!”

Squall: “Whatever.” *takes the bottle of wine and starts drinking straight from it*

Cloud: *taps him on the shoulder* “Can I get some of that?”

Squall: *glares* “@#$% off.”

Cloud: *jaw drops* “Well I’ve never!”

Lark: *to Sephiroth* “Who are you?”

Sephiroth: “I am the planet.”

Lark: *to Heero* “He’s the planet.”

Heero: “That’s what I thought.”

Noelle, Reno, Irvine and Seifer: *doing a kickline and singing* “I wanna be a part of it! New York! New York! I wanna wake up in a city that never sleeps! To find I’m king of the hill! Top of the heap!!”

Rufus: *ears covered, cries* “I wanna go home!”

Squall: *finishes the bottle and tosses it aside* “Whatever.” *picks up another one*

Cloud: “Hey, leave some for everyone else.”

Squall: “Go to hell.”

Barret: “Hey, Cid.”

Cid: “@#$&^*<?”

Barret: *whispers* “That guys’ really a girl.” *points to Wu-fei*

Wu-fei: “Hey! I heard that! That’s it, I’m outta here!” *leaves*

Lark: “Bye, Heero.”

Duo: “Hey, Ashley, that guy…uh…with the thing…that we know…he just left…out the thing….in the wall.”

Ashley: “The door?”

Duo: “Yeah…”

(Vincent turns into Chaos and flys out of the room)

Trowa: *staring blankly in front of him, recites* “I’m a little tea pot…short and stout….”

Shell: “Sing it, brother!”

Lark: *to Heero* “Ok, if you’re Duo, Heero just left, and he’s the planet…who am I?”

Heero: *shrugs* “Relena?”

Lark: “Oh yeah…”

Cloud: *trying to take the bottle away from Squall* “I’m older than you, give it up!”

Squall: *hits Cloud over the head with the bottle, even though it’s still pretty much full* “Fine! Take it!”

Cloud: *wine dripping down his face* “Look what you’ve done to my hair!”

Reno, Noelle, Seifer and Irvine: *still singing and doing the kickline* “One! Singular sensation…”

Rufus: *ears STILL covered* “Make it stop!!”

Lark: “Ok, you’re Duo, that guy’s the planet, I’m Relena and Heero left. Then who’s that?” *points to Quatre*

Heero: *shrugs* “Zechs?”

Sephiroth: “I AM THE PLANET!”

Lark: *shoves him* “I know! We settled that already!”

Duo: “I’m Duo.”

Heero: “No you’re not. I’m Duo.”

Duo: “No you’re not. *I’m* Duo.” *to Ashley* “Right, babe?”

Ashley: “I don’t care what the hell your name is as long as you get me some wine!”

Quatre: *mutters in his sleep* “No, I want the kitty!”

Cloud: *trying to clean himself off and he notices his hands* “Since when do I paint my nails?”


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