#41 – -Twilight- Zone–Hey! Who Crossed My Name Out!

Laguna: “Whatever.”

Originally Published: 10/14/00 . 10 pages

Twilight hits his head and suddenly everything is backwards! This can’t be real, can it?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

This ramble is pretty amusing all the way through – the bizarro ramble room is a pretty scary place, and I think I did a pretty accurate job in making everyone the opposite of what they really are. I had a hard time choosing a quote for this page, actually, but I had to go with the Laguna quote. Even though I like the ramble I hate, hate, HATE the title. It has to be one of my least favorite ramble titles. It’s just so long and stupid. I definitely could have called it something better.

(twilight is walking around outside)

Twilight: “It’s such a nice day today… Almost makes me wanna vomit.” *sighs* “Where the hell is everyone else?”

(twilight, not being the brightest crayon in the box, is not looking where he’s going and trips over his own two feet, hitting his head on a big stick)

Twilight: “Oh the irony…” *passes out cold*

(he wakes up later on the couch in the ramble room….which is strangely empty)

Twilight: *sits up* “Hey…. Where the heck is everyone else?”

(the ramble room door opens and in comes lark….with hojo and nida?!)

Lark: “Oh, Hojo! You’re so funny! I really enjoy spending time with you!”

Twilight: *jaw hits the ground* “What the…?”

Nida: “What about me?”

Lark: “Of course I love you too, Nida! After all, you’re my boyfriend!” *kisses him*

Twilight: “EWWWW!!!! You’re not the real Lark!”

Lark: “Huh? Oh. Why are you acting so strangely, Twilight?”

(before anything else can be said, sephiroth comes in crying, and holding out his finger)

Sephiroth: “I got a paper cut!!!” *goes over to hojo* “Daddy! Fix it!”

Hojo: “My poor baby! Daddy will make it all better!” *kisses his finger* “There you go.”

Sephiroth: *sniff* “Thanks.”

Lark: “Ugh! Sephiroth, I told you you’re not allowed in here.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, skank ho! You’re ugly. I hate you!”

Lark: “I hate you too!”

Twilight: “What?! You mean there’s no deafening sexual tension between them??”

(squall, laguna, kiros and ward enter. laguna and squall have their arms around one another, smiling like a good father and son team. kiros look happy too, but ward doesn’t)

Squall: “I love you, dad! I hope we can play ball again real soon!”

Kiros: “I love you too, Laguna!”

Ward: “Kiros said he’s a big liar!”

Laguna: “Ho ho! Back off, everyone! I know you all love me! After all, I’m President of Shinra!”

Twilight: “WHAT?!”

(tseng enters with elena, and seifer enters with rinoa and ashley)

Tseng: “Oh, Elena! I love you so much!”

Elena: *doesn’t look to thrilled* “Yeah…. Have you seen Yuffie around?”

Rinoa: “I can’t wait to get married, Seifer!”

Seifer: “Me neither!”

Rinoa: “I’m so glad you’re going to be my maid of honor, Ashley!  You’re my best friend in the whole wide world!”

Ashley: “I can’t wait either, Rinoa! We’ll be friends forever!”

Rinoa: “I just hope Noelle isn’t jealous! After all, we’re really close too.”

Seifer: *chuckles* “Oh, I think she’s pretty busy with her boyfriend!”

(Noelle enters hanging all over zell)

Noelle: “I love you so much, Zell!”

Zell: “I love you too, Noelle!”

Seifer: “Hey, best buddy!” *hugs zell* “I hope you’ll be the best man at my wedding to Rinoa!”

Zell: “Of course, buddy!” *voice grows dark* “I hope that jerk Squall’s not invited.”

Rinoa: “Ew! No, we hate him!”

Twilight: “I’ve never been this scared in my life!”

(JT enters with scarlet)

Scarlet: “Oh, JT! I love you!”

JT: *trying to push her off him* “Whatever…. Stupid woman. Won’t even sleep with me.”

Scarlet: “Oh! But I want to remain a virgin till I get married.”

Twilight *rubs his eyes* “I am *so* seeing things!”

(reno and irvine enter hand in hand)

Reno: “I am so in love with you, my Irvine.”

Irvine: “My beautiful Turk…” *they kiss*

Twilight: “What the?!?!?! Ew!!! Uh… Who wants some booze?!”

Noelle: “Ew! Alcohol!”

Reno: “I had all the alcohol banned! Alcohol is a terrible thing!”

Twilight: “Okay… I’m just gonna call the loony bin…” *inches towards the phone*

Lark: “Oh, go ahead! Make all the calls you want! Talk for ten hours, I don’t care!”

Twilight: *sweat drops* “This is worse than I thought.”

(rude, with a full head of hair and vincent enter)

Rude: *talking very quickly* “So then I said to her whatever, ya know! She can’t boss me around like that! I’m a man!”

Vincent: *talking very quickly* “Good thing you told her that! I told my girlfriend the same thing! We’re men! We don’t have to take that crap.”

Twilight: “Girlfriend?! What about you and Sephiroth?”

Vincent: “Ugh! What are you suggesting?”

(rufus comes in wearing rags)

Rufus: “Oh man…. I spent my last 10 cents…”

Sephiroth: *spots him* “Oh! My best friend Rufus!” *they hug*

Lark: “Ew! Rufus! Get your poor ass outta here!” *whines* “Nida! Make them get out!”

Twilight: “If I kill myself, I don’t have to stay here any more.” *thinks* “Nah… I’m too cool to die.”

(yuffie comes running in, hands full of materia)

Yuffie: “Who wants my materia? Free materia!”

Elena: *running over* “Oh! Hi, Yuffie! That’s some nice materia you have there.” *smiles*

Tseng: “But Elena! I love you!”

Elena: “Tseng…”

Tseng: *meekly* “Sorry.”

(cloud enters dressed like a rich guy in a silk robe and slippers)

Cloud: “Good news everyone! I have discovered the cure for the common cold!”

Everyone: “Ooh…”

Cloud: “And I also found the cure for cancer!”

Everyone: “Hooray for Cloud!”

Twilight: *in disbelief* “But you’re a dumb ass!”

(red enters with barret and cid on leashes)

Red: “Did you have a nice walk, whatevers?”

Cid: “Yes, sir! We did!”

Barret: “Yes, sir! Very nice! I love you, Red!”

Twilight: “HELP ME SOMEONE!”

(selphie enters dressed in all black looking glum)

Selphie: “Life sucks. I wanna die.”

Twilight: “In this world, who wouldn’t?!”

(shell enters)

Twilight: *runs to her* “Shell! Help! Everyone is nuts! Paint my nails! Please!”

Shell: “Ew! I hate the smell of polish! And I hate you too! Get away from me!”

Twilight: “Ack! This really *is* the Twilight Zone!” *pauses then laughs* “Heh heh… Twilight Zone… Just like my name!” *wipes a tear from his eye* “I kill myself.”

Lark: “I’m so glad we’re going out, Nida. And I’m so glad Hojo’s my best friend.”

Nida: “I’m just glad that Squall got stuck driving the Garden instead of me.”

Lark: “Aw, but he’s your best friend! You shouldn’t say that!”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, whore!”

Lark: “Can it, jack ass!” *frowns* “Hojo, make your son and his stupid, poor friend leave!”

Hojo: “Dearest son, why don’t you leave and go back home? You and your friend can have a slumber party and when I get back I’ll read you a story and make you hot chocolate!”

Sephiroth: *excitedly* “All right! Do you hear that, Rufus! I have the best dad in the world!”

Rufus: “You sure do!” *as they walk out the door* “Can he lend me 10 gil?”

Twilight: *stands in front of the door* “Sephiroth! Wait!”

Sephiroth: “Ugh! Get away from me, weirdo!”

Twilight: “Weirdo?! I was your only friend 5 minutes ago!”

Sephiroth: “What are you talking about? Now let me go. I have to go put on my pink pajamas.”

Twilight: *screams and lets sephy and rufus by*

Rinoa: “Yeah, we can’t talk about the wedding too loud cause I don’t want that jerk Squall to know he’s not invited.”

Seifer: “He’s not that bad…”

Zell: “Yes he is! I hate him! We should start a We Hate Squall club.”

Noelle: *cuddling up to zell* “You’re so smart, Zell!”

Twilight: “You suck, Zell!”

Zell: *calmly* “I will ignore your comment.”

Twilight: “Nani?!” *claps a hand over his mouth* “Oh no! I’m speaking Japanese!”

Ashley: “I’m so glad my best friend is getting married!” *hugs rinoa*

Irvine: *cuddling up to reno* “Wanna make out?”

Reno: “Sounds good…” *they start making out*

Scarlet: “Come on, JT!”

JT: *pushing her away* “Maybe I’ll be nice to ya when you sleep with me.”

Red: “Would you whatevers like another walk?”

Cid: “Oh yes!”

Barret: “I love you, Red!”

(they leave)

Twilight: “….I’m so scared, I think I’m gonna cry.”

Yuffie: “Doesn’t *anyone* want my materia?!”

Elena: “I’ll take anything you wanna give me.”

Yuffie: “Huh?”

Elena: *quickly* “Um… Nothing…”

Tseng: “Ugh! She’s straight!” *walks out in a huff*

Yuffie: “What’s his problem?”

Elena: *lots of sweat drops* “Nothing….”

Shell: “Rude! There you are! Let me wait on you hand and foot!”

Rude: “You damn well better, woman! That’s what I expect!”

Shell: “Yay!” *gets down and starts polishing his shoes*

Rude: *turns back to vincent and talks quickly* “So anyway, then I told him you can take this job and shove it! Cause I really hated being a Turk and I didn’t wanna do it anymore and Reno is a jerk anyway, and Tseng’s just a moron cause all he does is hit on Elena all day and I was so tired of that all the time, ya know? So I just had to get outta there.”

Vincent: *talking really fast* “Really? Cause I love Shinra, I was hoping to get another job there. That was the best time of my life, after all I had Hojo’s friendship and he’s the best friend I guy could ever have, even though I hate his son. He’s a really big jerk.”

Cloud: “I think I’ll go polish my Nobel Prizes…” *goes off*

Twilight: *trembles in fear* “This is sooooooooooooooooooo messed up!!!”

Squall: “I hope we can spend tomorrow together too, dad!”

Laguna: “Whatever.”

Kiros: “Can I come too?”

Ward: “Kiros says he’s an idiot!”

Kiros: *hits ward* “I did not!”

(the phone rings and twilight gets it)

Twilight: “Hello?”

Duo: “Hey! This is Duo! Can I talk to someone?”

Twilight: “Hold on…” *covers mouthpiece* “Um…it’s one of those Gundam Wing guys…”

Lark: *eagerly* “Is it Wufei?”

Twilight: “No….”

Lark: “Eh… Then who cares.”

Twilight: “It’s Duo.”

Seifer: “Ooh! Let me talk to him!” *takes the phone*

Ashley: “Ugh. I hate Duo. He’s so ass lancing.”

Nida: “Lark, my love, Irvine and Reno are making out again.”

Lark: “Ew!! I hate when they do that in front of me! It makes me sick!”

Twilight: *gasps* “That’s it. It’s too weird for me to stay here any more.” *he goes to run out the door but trips and hits his head* “Oh thank g-d.” *passes out cold*

(twilight wakes up with a start on the couch of the ramble room panting. sephiroth, who’s sitting at the table, looks over)

Twilight: *spots sephiroth* “Sephiroth! We’re friends, right!”

Sephiroth: *gives him a weird look* “Yeah…”

Twilight: “You like killing, you hate pink and Rufus and you’re madly in love with Lark, right!”

Sephiroth: “Right, right…and…” *eyes narrow* “Shut up about the last one.”

Twilight: “Oh thank the cosmos!” *gets down and kisses the floor*

Sephiroth: “Twilight…. You are somewhat scaring me.”

Twilight: “No way! I had this dream where you hated Lark and she was in love with Nida and your best friend was Rufus and he has no money and you and him were going to have a sleepover and Hojo was gonna read you stories and make you hot chocolate!!”

Sephiroth: *blinks and then says eerily calm* “Did you say I got along with Hojo and Lark was dating Nida?”

Twilight: “Yeah! There was a lot of other crazy crap going on that I don’t even want to repeat!”

Sephiroth: “Twilight… Let’s never speak of this again.”

Twilight: “Done and done.”

Lark’s voice: *calls from down the hall* “Twilight? Sephy? Have you seen Nida?”

Twilight and Sephiroth: *look at one another and go screaming out of the room*

Lark: *comes in and looks confused* “What were they so scared of? I just wanted to beat his head in for the threatening e-mail he sent me.” *shrugs* “Whatever. Sometimes it just seems like I’m in another dimension.”


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