#33 – Uncle Rufus?!

Rufus: “Shut up! I can buy and sell your ass!”

Originally Published: 9/12/00 . 25 pages

Synopsis
When Rufus decides to sell lemonade, he forces the Turks to help him. Will the addicting substance he adds to it help business, or will his new enterprise all come crashing down?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

This ramble is a classic – but I’m not a huge fan of the title. If I was writing it now I definitely would have given it a more clever title.

Anyway, comments on the actual ramble. It starts off with people playing Ergheiz – I bought that game for the FF characters, obviously, but I never really cared for it too much. Sephiroth kind of sucked. And then there’s Lark’s creepy s&m whip that thankfully never really turned up again.

But I love all the stuff with Rufus, the Turks and his addicting lemonade. I especially love when Rufus looks at all of them and then chooses Rude to try it. Poor Rude. Unfortunately the ‘subplot’ that starts off with video games and fades into people sitting around bored and then sleeping leaves a lot to be desired. Also, the later plot with Rufus buying the ramble room and Lark getting upset makes no sense when you think about the fact that it was Rufus’ money that bought the ramble room to begin with. Eh, maybe he signed it over to Lark or something.

(lark, sephiroth, reno, rufus, irvine, vincent, and zell are all in the tv room. lark and sephy are playing erghiez on the playstation. lark’s using tifa and sephy’s using himself)

Lark: “Ha ha! Fire!”

Sephiroth: *struggling with the controls* “Come on! Come on! How do I use the masamune?!”

Zell: “Ha ha! ‘Roth’s gettin’ his ass kicked!”

Sephiroth: *snaps* “One more peep outta you, Zell, and I’ll kill you again!”

Zell: “Oh *yeah*?! Well–“

Irvine: *interrupts* “Don’t push it, Zell. We’re outta phoenix downs. They’re expensive you know.”

Lark: “Ha ha! I win!”

Rufus: “Wow! That’s the third time!”

Sephiroth: “Shut up! I let her win!”

Lark: “Three times in a row?”

Sephiroth: *hangs head* “I suck.”

Reno: “You sure do.” *laughs*

Sephiroth: “Let’s go again! I’ll use Vincent this time!” *starts game over*

Lark: *groans* “Oh! I don’t wanna have to kick poor Vincent’s ass!”

Vincent: *looks up* “Hm?”

Irvine: “Where’s everyone else today?”

Zell: “Yeah, where’s Squall?”

Rufus: “Who cares about Squall or anybody else for that matter.”

Reno: “That’s *real* nice, Rufus.”

Rufus: “I’m bored. I could be making money right now.”

Irvine: “Right. Because you don’t have enough of that already.”

Zell: “You *bought* this whole room!”

Rufus: *thinks* “Hmmm……” *eyes light up* “Ooh! Ooh!” *grabs reno’s arm* “I’m going to sell lemonade!”

Reno: *bursts out laughing* “What are you? 10? Who the hell drinks lemonade? Sell beer!”

Rufus: “Not everyone’s a drunk like you. I’m selling lemonade, and you’re going to help!”

Reno: “To hell I am!”

Rufus: “Hey! I’m your boss! I could buy and sell your ass! Now let’s go round up some more labor.” *grabs reno’s wrist and drags him out the door*

Reno: “Help!” *they leave*

Lark: “Ah ha! That’s 4 wins, Sephy!”

Sephiroth: *throwing controller at the ground* “Dammit! Vincent sucks too!”

Vincent: *hangs head* “Oh….”

Lark: *turns* “Hey. Where’d Rufus and Reno go?”

Zell: “To sell lemonade.”

Irvine: “Like 10 year olds.”

Lark: *blinks* “Uh………..okay.”

Irvine: “I think he’s insane.”

Zell: “So do I.”

Lark: *laughs* “Rufus? He’s harmless.”

(sephiroth digs out the super nintendo excitedly, brushing off the dust)

Sephiroth: “Ooh! Let’s play Mario Kart! I claim Bowser!”

Lark: *grins* “Sure. As long as I can have Koopa.”

Sephiroth: *snorts* “Koopa sucks.”

Vincent: “Hmmmm…..I have a feeling Lark will again be victorious.”

Sephiroth: *snaps* “Shut up!”

Vincent: *slinks back* “Sorry.”


(rufus stands before his line of workers; all the turks and reeve, clad in white aprons, looking pretty unhappy. rufus paces like a drill sergeant)

Reeve: “Rufus, why the hell are we here?”

Rufus: “You’re going to make lemonade which *I’m* going to sell.”

Rude: *mumbles* “……………Slave labor.”

Rufus: “Shut up, Rude! If I get richer, you’ll all get happier.”

Tseng: “How’s that?”

Rufus: “No questions. Shut up. Now, let’s have an ingredients check.” *pulls out list*

Reno: “Can’t we just use a mix?”

Rufus: “No!”

Reno: “Why the hell not?”

Rufus: “Because then I can’t call it homemade.”

Reno: “Who cares?!”

Rufus: “That’s it! You’re fired!”

(reno shrugs and goes to walk away)

Rufus: “Where are you going?”

Reno: “You said I was fired.”

Rufus: “Back in line!”

Reeve: *clears throat* “Uh……….President Rufus…..uh….sir, um, what exactly *is* this lemonade called?”

Rufus: *proudly* “Old Uncle Rufus’ Homemade Lemonade.” *chuckles* “The last two words rhyme.”

Tseng: “….But you’re not old…”

Elena: “And you’re not an uncle either.”

Rufus: *stamps foot* “I know! It’s just to make it sound friendly!” *glares*

Reno: *gulp* “It’s gonna need all the help it can get.”

Rufus: “Anything else before the ingredients check?”

Reeve: *raises hand timidly*

Rufus: *groans* “What is it, Reeve?”

Reeve: “Um…..why aren’t Hojo, Heidegger and Scarlet helping?”

Rufus: *disgusted* “Ugh! Would you want those sleezeballs making *you* lemonade?”

Reeve: *thinks* “Point taken.”

Rufus: “Now….” *holds out list* “I’ll read off the ingredients, and, if it’s there you say yes. Got it?”

Turks and Reeve: “Yes.”

Rufus: “Water.”

T&R: “Check.”

Rufus: “Lemons.”

T&R: “Check.”

Rufus: “Sugar.”

T&R: “Check.”

Rufus: “Mysterious addiction liquid.”

T&R: “Check.”

Reno: *picks up the strange bottle* “Yeah. What the hell is this stuff?”

Rufus: “To keep the customers coming back.” *grins* “I’ve created a new drug!”

Reno: *reading label* “What’s in this stuff?”

Rufus: “I don’t know! I just bought it! I didn’t make it!”

Reno: *still inspecting bottle* “Has this even been approved by the government?”

Rufus: *grabs bottle from reno and slams it on the table* “Would you stop! We’re using it! Now make the damn lemonade!”

T&R: *grumble* “Yes, sir.”


(meanwhile…back in the tv room….)

Sephiroth: “Come on, Bowser! You’re so damn slow!”

Lark: “Oh yeah! Go Koopa! You da man!”

Vincent: “This is sad.”

Zell: “Go Lark!!”

Irvine: “Yee haw!! You *go* girl!”

Lark: *leaps to her feet* “Yes! I win again!” *high fives zell and irvine*

Sephiroth: *slams controller to the ground* “Dammit! Why didn’t you tell me Bowser sucks!?”

Lark: *giggles* “Why do you think?!”

Sephiroth: *pouts* “I don’t like this game either.”

Lark: “You picked it!”

Sephiroth: *still pouting* “I picked wrong.”

Zell: *points at sephy* “Ha ha! You suck!”

(sephiroth punches zell and 9900 hit points appear over zell’s head)

Zell: “Urgh….” *slinks to the floor*

Vincent: “…………Some punch.”

Zell: *croaks* “Hi-potions……like 10 of them….someone.”

Irvine: *reaches into his pocket, grumbling* “You always pick the fights and then I have to bail you out.”

Lark: “That wasn’t nice, Sephy!” *pulls out a whip*

Sephiroth: *eyes widen* “What the hell is that thing?!”

Lark: *grins* “My whip.”

Zell: *drinking a hi-potion* “That’s not like Quistis’ whip.”

Irvine: *raises eyebrows and grins* “It sure ain’t.”

Sephiroth: “I’ve never seen that before.”

Lark: “Well, I’ve always had it…..I just never let you see it.”

Vincent: “Hmmm….”

Sephiroth: *licks his lips* “So…..uh….what do you….um…” *gulp* “…*do* with it?”

Irvine: “I think I know.” *wink*

Lark: “Uh…….no.” *cracks it* “I just use it to keep order.”

Zell: *gulp* “Keep order?”

Lark: “Yeah. It’s in case anyone gets out of line, like Sephiroth here.”

Sephiroth: *eyes on the whip* “Oh, you can whip me anytime you want.” *drool*

Lark: “Huh?”

Sephiroth: *snaps out of it* “Nothing.”

Vincent: *frowns* “Hmmm….”

Zell: “I’m kinda scared of it.”

Lark: *cracks whip* “I think it’s handy.”

Irvine and Sephiroth: “I like it.”

Lark: *gives them a weird look* “Uh……right…” *steps away from them*


(meanwhile…..back to rufus…the turks and reeve are all done making the lemonade)

Rude: *wipes brow* “Ugh.”

Tseng: *clears throat* “So….Reeve….you doing anything later?”

Reeve: “Yeah, I’m going out with Bria.”

Tseng: *face falls* “Oh.”

Elena: *chipperly* “I’m not doing anything, Tseng!”

Tseng: *still looking at reeve* “Oh. Well I’m sure you’ll find something to do.”

Reno: “I hate this! It’s not even summer! Why are we selling lemonade?!”

Rufus: *sitting in a chair, reading the paper, looks up* “Oh. Are you done?”

Turks and Reeve: *groan* “Yes.”

Rufus: *comes over and peers into the jug* “Hm.” *looks up* “How is it?”

Tseng: “…We didn’t try it.”

Rufus: “And why not?”

Reno: “Are you freakin’ nuts?! We put that addicting crap in there! It could kill us!”

Rufus: “So?” *looks at all of them* “Try it, Rude.”

Rude: *mumbles* “I always knew I was the least favorite.”

Reno: *pats him on the back* “Sorry, man.”

Rude: “Uh…..”

Rufus: *pours a glass and hands it to rude grinning* “Old Uncle Rufus’ Homemade Lemonade. Guaranteed to put a smile on your face!”

Reeve: *mumbles* “And a dent in your wallet.”

Rude: *sweat drops, takes glass* “Uh…..” *takes deep breath and drinks it while everyone watches expectantly* “Aah.” *blinks* “It’s good.”

Rufus: “See! I told you he wouldn’t die!”

Rude: “Can I have some more?”

Elena: “Oh no! That addicting stuff is affecting his mind!”

Rufus: “All the better!” *pours rude another glass* “Now back to work! I want enough to sell in two hours! Then we’re taking this stuff to the streets!” *grins* “Soon I will overtake the world of sidewalk lemonade stands!”

Reno: *mutters* “Five year olds beware.”

Rufus: “Shut up! I can buy and sell your ass!”


(back in the tv room… everyone’s sitting around looking bored. Since there wasn’t enough room for everyone on the couch, Lark’s on Irvine’s lap)

Zell: “I’m bored.”

Irvine: “I like this arrangement.” *grins*

Sephiroth: “If I kill you, you won’t be bored.”

Lark: “Don’t make me take out the whip again.”

Sephiroth and Irvine: *eagerly* “Can you?!”

Lark: *stiffens* “Um….I really don’t understand your obsession with it.”

Zell: “I wonder how Rufus is doing with his lame ass lemonade business.”

(silence)

Lark: “All too lazy to move?”

(everyone raises their hand)

Lark: “That’s what I thought.”


(meanwhile…some time later….the turks have made a whole lot of lemonade and are all looking very tired. rude’s been downing cup after cup of it.)

Reno: “Rude, man, I really think you’re addicted.”

Rude: “No I’m not.” *pours himself another glass*

Tseng: “Rufus….*sir*….we’re done.”

Rufus: *looks up from his newspaper* “Took you long enough.” *comes over and inspects it*

Reno: “Rufus, this addicting crap is working too well. Rude can’t stop drinking it!”

Rufus: “Splendid! My plan will work perfectly!”

Reeve: “…..What plan, do I dare ask…?”

Rufus: “First glass, one gil–“

Elena: “That’s not so bad…”

Rufus: “–every glass after that, 20 gil.”

Tseng: “Twenty gil?!”

Reno: “That’s crazy!”

Elena: “No one is going to pay 20 gil for lemonade!”

Rufus: “Oh no?” *takes rude’s glass away* “Rude, would you pay 20 gil to able to drink the rest of this glass?”

Rude: “Yes.” *reaches for wallet*

Rufus: “That won’t be necessary, Rude.” *hands glass back* “I think I’ve proved my point.” *evil smile*

Reno: *quietly* “..I’m scared.”

Tseng: *whispers* “Me too.”

Rufus: “Okay, troops! Cart this stuff outside and put your happy smiles on! We have lemonade to sell!” *marches outside*

Reeve: “……..Why do I have the horrible feeling that this is going to have horrible consequences?”

Rude: *pours more lemonade* “I think everything will be fine.”


(meanwhile in the tv room, everyone is exactly where we left them)

Vincent: *yawns*

Zell: “Vincent’s bored.”

Sephiroth: “So are you.”

Zell: “So are *you*!” *flips out*

Irvine: *sighs* “Please, Zell….”

Lark: “Well if Sephy was more competition when it came to video games I could be playing something right now.”

Sephiroth: “Hey! I’m *too* good for you! That’s the *real* problem.”

Lark: “Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.”

Vincent: “I say we all take naps.”

(everyone looks at him)

Vincent: *blinks* “Oh. Sorry.” *hangs head*

Lark: “Sounds good to me!” *closes her eyes and snuggles up to irvine*

Irvine: “Sounds good to me too!”

Sephiroth: *glares* “Grrrrrrrrrrr…………”


(meanwhile….outside the ramble room, the turks and reeve have set up their lemonade stand. there’s a sign that says Old Uncle Rufus’ Homemade Lemonade—we sell every glass with a smile.)

Reno: “Do we really have to smile?”

Rufus: “Yes.”

Reno: “Why?”

Rufus: “Cause I could buy and your sell ass!”

Reno: *grumbles* “So I’ve heard.”

Rufus: “Look! I see someone coming! Smile, dammit!”

(the turks and reeve put on obviously faked but cheerful grins. selphie skips over)

Selphie: “Hi, you guys! You’re selling lemonade! That’s a really good idea!” *pause* “It’s not really summer though…”

Reno: “Point that out to President Dumb ass.”

Rufus: *sweat drops, hits reno really hard in the back* “Heh heh…”

Reno: “Ow!”

Rufus: “Would you like a glass? It’s only a gil!”

Selphie: “Sure!” *she pays, gets her glass and drinks it down* “Wow! This is really good!”

Rufus: “Would you like another? It’s only 20 gil.”

Selphie: “20 gil?! What, do you think I’m crazy enough to pay that?!” *pause, licks lips* “Okay.”

(while she’s paying and buying another glass, cid and barret come over with red on a leash)

Barret: “Yo! It’s a great day to be walkin’ this here cat/dog, ain’t it, Cid?”

Cid: “@#$%^&!”

Rufus: “Say! Would you gentlemen like some lemonade?”

Barret: “Lemonade?! What do we look like, pansies?!”

Cid: “@#$%”

Red: “Please help me.”

Rufus: “It’s really good!”

Barret: “Yo! We only drink alcohol!”

Rufus: “Why this is just as good as alcohol! Just ask Rude!” *puts a hand on rude’s shoulder*

Rude: “Yes. Very good.” *drinks more*

Rufus: “See! Our lemonade is just as good as alcohol!”

Reno: *mutters* “And twice as addicting.” *gets hit in the back by rufus* “OW!”

Barret: “Well….awright. How much do I gotta pay?”

Rufus: “Only a gil each!”

(barret and cid pay up and drink it down)

Barret: “Yo! That ain’t half bad!”

Cid: “@#$%^!”

Barret: “I’ll have another!”

Rufus: “Great! 20 gil.”

Barret: “20 gil?! You blood suckin’ Shinra! I shoulda known there’d be some catch with you!”

Cid: “#$$%@$%$%!%$#%@#$$%%@$!!”

Rufus: *shrugs* “Suit yourself.” *holds a glass up enticingly*

Barret: *licks lips* “Well…”

Cid: “@#%@….”

Barret: “I guess one more glass can’t hurt.” *grabs twenty gil and reaches for the glass, dropping the leash*

Red: “I’m free! I’m free!” *runs away, getting his paws tangled in the leash* “Aw, dammit.” *tries to get unstuck but it just gets worse* “This is terrible. I should have known.” *clears throat* “Can I have some help here?” *pause* “Please?” *no one even looks over* “Ugh.” *hangs head* “It’s a terrible thing to be me.”

Rufus: “Okay, you can handle it from here.” *wipes his brow* “I’m going inside. It’s too hot.” *pause, glares* “Just remember I can buy and sell your ass.” *goes inside*

Reno: “I wish he would stop telling us that.”

Reeve: “We really have to sell this stuff…?”

Elena: “I’m thirsty.” *goes to drink some*

Tseng: *grabs it away* “No! Don’t drink it! Do you want to get like Rude?”

(everyone looks over at rude, who’s downing glass after glass)

Elena: *sweat drops* “Guess not.”

Selphie: “I’ll have some more!”

Reeve: “That’s your fifth glass!”

Barret: “Yo! Give Cid ‘n me another hit too!”

Tseng: *sweat drops* “Everyone……I’m scared of Rufus.”

Reeve: “Me too…..”


(meanwhile….back in the tv room……well, there’s nothing happening. everyone is fast asleep. zell is snoring loudly, irvine’s asleep, arms around lark, who’s asleep on his lap. sephiroth’s got his head in lark’s lap as he sleeps, and Vincent’s asleep with his head on irvine’s shoulder…that’s about it.)


(meanwhile…some time later…the Turks and Reeve are scrambling to fill the orders of about 20 or so people clamoring around the stand. all but rude that is. he’s just calmly sitting there, sipping a lemonade.)

Elena: “Wow! Rufus is making a *ton* of money!!”

Selphie: *banging her cup against the table* “I want more lemonade!!”

Barret: “Yo! Me too!!”

Tseng: “They’re getting violent!”

Reno: “Geez, that stuff really is addicting, isn’t it? What’s in that stuff, crack?”

Cid: “@#$!@#%!@%!@%!#^$!#$^%@#$%$!@$@#!!”

Red: *still tangled up* “I’d appreciate some help……any help at all…”

Selphie: “I want my lemonade, dammit!”

Tseng: *edges away* “Reeve….darling….can you *please* get the lemonade for the nice people??”

Elena: *freezes, thinks, then turns to tseng* “Did you just call him darling?”

Tseng: *sweat drops* “No.”

Reeve: *holding an empty pitcher upside down* “Uh…..we have a problem.”

Reno: *fending off barret with his nightstick* “What’s the problem!?!?!”

Reeve: “Uh………..we’re out of lemonade.”

(tseng, elena and reno turn to look at him)

Tseng: *pales* “You’re joking.”

Reeve: *waves empty pitcher* “Uh…..no.”

Reno: “Well this sucks!”

Elena: “What are we going to do!?”

Reno: “Let’s just kill them!”

Elena: “What are you, Sephiroth!?”

Tseng: “We’re dead. This is the end.”

Rude: *gets up* “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Selphie: “Ooh! Me too!”

(the whole crowd of lemonade addicts run off while the rest of the turks and reeve watch in shock)

Reeve: “…..Well that did it.”

Reno: “The toilet is the best invention ever!”

Elena: *gives him a weird look* “Ew!”

Reno: “What! It just saved your life!”

Elena: “Stop it!” *covers ears* “Tseng! Make him stop!”

Tseng: *sighs* “Elena….”

Elena: *hangs head* “Sorry.”

(rufus comes outside)

Rufus: “Hey! What happened? Where is everyone?! You all suck! You’re fired! You’re–” *stops abruptly as elena holds up a huge jar overflowing with money* “…..Money!” *runs over and hugs it* “I love you!”

(the rest of the turks and reeve edge away)

Rufus: *looks up* “But what happened?! Where did the customers go?!” *shakes reno* “You didn’t tell them I put a highly illegal substance in there did you?! Cause I didn’t! Technically it was you guys! You made it!”

Tseng: “….That stuff is highly illegal?” *gulp*

Rufus: *releases reno, runs a hand through his hair nonchalantly* “No….it was a slip of the tongue.”

Reeve: “We ran out of lemonade. The guys were rebelling until they all had to go to the bathroom and ran off.”

Reno: “I think we should have national toilet day at Shinra in honor that it was *that* which saved our lives.”

Elena: “Ew! Stop it! You only like the toilet cause you’re always puking into it!”

Tseng: *sigh* “Reno…..Elena…”

Elena: “Ha ha! He said your name first!” *points at reno happily*

Tseng: *sighs* “Elena…”

Elena: *hangs head* “Yes, sir.”

Rufus: “You ran out of lemonade! Why didn’t you buy more?!”

Turks and Reeve: *sweat drops*

Rufus: “You know, I could buy and sell your–” *pause. thinks. grins and nods slowly*

Reno: “….I don’t like that look.”

Reeve: “I say we run as fast as we can.”

Rufus: “I am a genius! That’s just it! You’re mine! To get more money…I’ll sell you guys!”

Reno: *mutters* “He’s cracked.”

Tseng: “Isn’t that illegal?”

(rude returns)

Rufus: “Rude! You’re just in time!”

Rude: *blinks* “Is there any more lemonade?”


(meanwhile….back in the tv room….no news there….everyone is still asleep. have a nice day)


(meanwhile….back outside….rufus has set up a kind of auction block all the turks are frozen in place)

Reno: “Whoever gave him him the stop materia is going to die.”

Reeve: “It was his birthday!”

Reno: “He doesn’t need *gifts*! The bastard owns everything!”

Reeve: “I was *trying* to be nice!”

Reno: “Well…stop.”

Rufus: *rubs his hands together* “Who’s ready for the auction?” *pulls out some esuna materia. looks at his frozen friends* “Okay, I’m going to unfreeze you. But if you try to run, I’m going to use toad on you.”

Reno: *growls* “Reeve…..”

Reeve: “I’ve learned my lesson!”

(rufus unfreezes them just as the lemonade junkies return)

Selphie: “Did you make more?!”

Rufus: “No, but I have something better!”

Barret: “This better not involve no reactors!”

Rufus: “Nope! It involves my employees!” *grabs reeve and drags him onto the block* “Now, what bids do I have for this….” *looks reeve over* “…guy.”

Reeve: *sighs* “Thanks, Rufus.”

Rufus: “He’s…uh….smart! Yeah! He’s really, really smart! He built Midgar!”

Barret: “Boo! Midgar sucks!”

Reeve: *hangs head* “Ooh.”

Rufus: “Hey! No heckling the auction!” *pause* “So come on! Do I have any takers?”

Tseng: *madly going through his wallet* “5,000 Gil!”

Elena: “Tseng?!”

Reeve: “Tseng?!”

Reno: *laughs quietly*

Rufus: “Going once, going twice, sold to Tseng!”

Reeve: *goes over to tseng* “Why did you do that?”

Tseng: *looks embarrassed* “Well…you know…just so you didn’t get bought by some weirdo or something.”

Reeve: “Oh….well thanks.”

Rufus: “Okay, next we have Reno, the Turk!” *pulls reno up*

Barret: “Yo! He sucks!”

Reno: “Hey! Shut up or I’ll smash Sector 7 again!”

Rufus: “Reno….is…uh….a Turk….like I said…and uh…he likes to drink….once in awhile.”

Reno: *snorts* “Right.”

(Ashley and Noelle walk by)

Ashley: *squints* “Is that Reno?”

Noelle: “WHERE?!”

Ashley: *points* “Right there.” *pause* “I think they’re auctioning him off!”

Noelle: “HEY! HE’S MINE!!” *pushes to the front of the crowd* “WHAT’S THE HIGHEST BID?!”

Rufus: “Zero.”

Reno: *hangs head* “Great. That makes me sound real popular.”

Noelle: 100 Gil!”

Rufus: “Sold!”

Noelle: “WHOO HOO!”

Reno: “Oh man! *Reeve* sold for more than that!”

Reeve: “Hey!”

Rufus: “Okay, Rude. Your turn.”

Rude: “Can I have some lemonade?”

Rufus: “No.” *pause* “Okay, folks, Rude the Turk! What am I bid?”

Rude: “Can I have some lemonade?”

Rufus: “No.” *pause* “Okay, folks, Rude the Turk! What am I bid?”

Rude: “I just want some lemonade!”

Rufus: “Shut *up*, Rude!”

(shell walks by)

Ashley: “Hey, Shell. Your man is up for auction.”

Shell: “Huh? Wufei?”

Ashley: “No! The other one!”

Shell: “Suboshi?”

Ashley: “No!”

Shell: *thinks* “Twilight’s not mine….”

Ashley: “Baka! It’s Rude!” *turns her around*

Shell: “Oh.” *shrugs* “Whatever.” *calls* “Ten gil!”

Rufus: “Going once, twice–sold to Shell for ten gil.” *frowns* “I can’t believe Reeve got me the most so far.”

Rude: *to shell* “Can I have some lemonade?”

Shell: *weird look* “Uh……why?”

Rufus: *dragging an unwilling tseng* “Okay, ladies. Here you go! The head Turk— Tseng!”

Tseng: *frowns* “I hate my job.”

Rufus: “What am I bid for him?”

Reeve: *goes to speak*

Elena: *whips out credit card* “10,000 gil!”

Tseng: “Aw, sh–“

Rufus: “Sold to Elena for 10,000 gil!” *grins* “She’s also been promoted!”

Elena: “Whoo hoo! It’s my lucky day!”

Rufus: “Your turn now, Elena.” *drags her up* “Okay. What am I bid for the only female in Shinra anyone can stand?”

Tseng: *mutters* “Speak for yourself.”

????: *annoying laughter* “Ho ho! 50,000 gil!”

Rufus: *eyes widen* “50,000! Sold!”

Elena: “Oh no! It’s–“

Don Corneo: “Hehe! I’m gonna be busy tonight!”

Elena: “Rufus!”

Rufus: “You’ll be fine.”

Elena: “He’s a bigger pervert than Reno!”

Rufus: “Deal’s been made.” *counts up all his money* “Hot damn! I have enough to buy the ramble room!”

Shell: “Uh oh….Lark’s not gonna like that…”

Rude: “Can I have some lemonade?”

Shell and Ashley: “NO!”


(everyone in the tv room is still asleep when shell runs in)

Shell: “Lark! Lark!”

Zell: *jumps up, attack position* “I’ll kill it!”

Shell: “Not you! My sister!” *shakes her awake* “Lark!”

Lark: *opens eyes* “Huh? Shell?” *looks down* “Sephy, get your head outta my lap.” *pushes him away*

Sephiroth: “Stupid woman.”

Shell: “Lark, we have a problem.”

Lark: “Sephiroth was here the whole time.”

Shell: “No! It involves Rufus!”

Lark: “Rufus? What could *he* have possibly done?”

Shell: “Well he was selling lemonade but Reno told me he put an addicting substance in it to keep people coming back, so he made a ton of money off that and when he ran out of lemonade he started selling his employees – and he made so much money that he *bought* the ramble room!”

Lark: *jaw drops* “He *bought* MY ramble room?!”

Shell: *backs up, nodding* “Uh huh….”

Sephiroth: *takes out masamune* “Now can I kill him? Please? Please?!”

Lark: *disturbingly calm* “Nonsense. I will speak with Mr. Shinra and straighten this matter out.” *gets up and leaves. everyone watches*

Irvine: “That was a little odd.”

Vincent: “….Eerie.”

Zell: “Rufus is gonna get his ass whooped!”

Shell: *sighs* “I better go tend to Rude.”

Irvine: “Why? What’s wrong?”

Shell: “He got hooked on that lemonade….getting over it is like going cold on crack.” *exits*

Zell: “………..Sucks to be him.”

Sephiroth: “I want to know what she’s doing to Rufus. Let’s go spy.”

(they all leave)


(rufus has modified the ramble room slightly. He’s added a desk for himself and he’s sitting there when Lark enters, dressed in a really slutty outfit. She goes over to rufus desk and sits on the edge. He’s busy filling out papers and doesn’t look up)

Lark: “Hi, Rufus.”

Rufus: *writing* “Hello, Lark.”

Lark: “I heard you bought my ramble room.”

Rufus: “I’m in the process of doing so. But don’t worry. You and the others can still pay to hang out here. Well, except Sephiroth. I don’t want him around.”

Lark: “Hmmm….is that so?” *she leans over across the desk* “I don’t think you want to do that.”

Rufus: *looks up right into her cleavage* “Uh…..”

Lark: “You don’t wanna take my ramble room away from me, *do* you, Rufy?”

Rufus: *transfixed* “Uh….”

Lark: “You’d give me *anything* I wanted, right, Rufy?”

Rufus: *drools* “Anything….”

Lark: “Great.” *hops off the desk, grabs the contract and rips it up* “Thanks!” *leaves*

Rufus: “Wait! Lark!” *frowns, sighs* “Oh well. I’ll buy a mall or something.”

(the guys watching are silent till lark is out of earshot)

Irvine: “*That* was cruel. I’d never wanna cross her.”

Sephiroth: *pouts* “I thought she was gonna use the whip.”

Zell: “I don’t get it! What’s with the whip?”

Irvine: *arm around zell* “Zell, my friend, I’ve got this book I think you should see.”

Zell: *confused* “What kind of book?”

Sephiroth: “…..Can I see it too?”

THE END

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