#3 – Operation: Get Sephiroth Off the Couch!

Rufus: “Okay, Reeve. Here’s the plan. You go poke Sephiroth. He’ll get all mad and go chasing after you. While he’s distracted with the idea of killing you, I’ll go claim the couch. Sound good?”
Originally Published: 6/2/00 . 9 pages
Rufus and Reeve want Sephiroth off the couch! Too bad Lark’s too busy to help…

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I really dislike this ramble, aside from Rufus’ outburst at Sephiroth. It’s completely useless and plotless, and some of the characters are definitely out of character compared to what they’re like now.

(Lark, Ashley, Noelle, Sephiroth, Squall, Irvine, Rufus, Cloud, Reno, Rude, Vincent, Cid, Reeve,  Red and Barret are all there. Sephiroth’s taken up the couch, and Reeve and Rufus have started a petition to get him to move (they’re not fighting!! For once…). The girls are seated at the table. Ashley’s painting her nails, Lark is writing something, and Noelle is reading the new issue of Seventeen with Reno peeking over her shoulder. Irvine’s fixing his hair in the mirror, Cloud is walking around aimlessly, Cid and Barret are tormenting Red, Vincent’s standing the corner staring at the wall, Rude is supposed to be guarding the door, but he’s fallen asleep against the door frame, and Squall is searching for something.)

Barret: *laughs* “Hey, I think Red needs to go out for a walk.”

Red: *mutters, a paw to his head* “Oh….not again.”

Cid: “@#$%@!”

Barret: “Yo, that’s a great idea, Cid!”

Red: *mutters* “Why do they treat me as an inferior being…??”

Barret: *putting a leash on Red* “Come on, puppy.”

Red: “For the thousandth time I am *not* a dog!” *he tries to resist, but Cid and Barret are stronger than him and they drag him out the door* “Help me!”

(No one looks up. They leave, and the door slams shut.)

Rude: *wakes up* “………hmm?”

Lark: “Shush! Would you keep it down over there, Rude?”

Rude: “……sorry.” *closes eyes*

Rufus: *as Reeve makes some final marks on his clipboard* “Ok, Reeve, how many votes do we have to get Sephiroth off the couch?”

Reeve: “7 get the hell off’s, 2 shrugs, one long string of curses, one ‘I don’t care just help me’, one get the hell away from me, one huh? and one whatever.”

Rufus: *smugly, crossing his arms as he stands over Sephiroth* “No one voted for you staying on the couch, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: *eyes flicker open and growls*

Rufus: *backing up as he nudges Reeve* “Reeve, make him get up!”

Reeve: *backing up too, eyes wide in fear, shaking his head* “No.”

(Sephiroth laughs)

Rufus: *clenches fists and stomps foot, throwing rich kid hissy fit* “It’s not fa-ir! I’m gonna complain!”

Sephiroth: *yawns and stretches* “You do that.”

Irvine: *turns around to look at Squall, finally prying himself away from the mirror* “Hey, Squall, whatcha lookin’ fer?”

Squall: *eyes to the ground* “My ring.”

Irvine: “Uh….you gave that to Rinoa, remember?”

Squall: “Oh yeah….where is she?” *wanders out of the room*

Reno: *reading over Noelle’s shoulder* “Hey, can we go to the sex & body section now?”

Noelle: *turning pages* “O-” *stops* “Hey, wait!” *turns around* “Stop reading over my shoulder, pervert!” *Reno grins* “Hehe…but you’re so cute.”

Rufus: *stomping over to Lark with Reeve, pouting* “Lark, Sephiroth won’t get off the couch.”

Lark: *not looking up* “So shove him off.”

Reeve: “Then he’ll kill us!”

Lark: *shrugs* “Sucks to be you.”

(Rufus looks helplessly at Reeve)

Reeve: *whispers* “Try the cute thing.”

Rufus: *grins* “Oh yeah!” *runs his fingers through his hair, leans with one hand on the table and gives Lark a sexy smile* “*Please* get Sephiroth off the couch?”

Lark: *looks up and frowns* “Damn your cuteness.” *Rufus gives Reeve a thumbs up sign and she yells *really* loudly* “Sephiroth! Get off the damn couch!”

Sephiroth: *like a 5 year old* “No!”

Lark: “I tried.” *goes back to her writing*

Cloud: *banging into the wall* “Ow.” *looks around* “Who put that there?”

Rufus: *looks at Cloud thoughtfully* “Hmmm…come on, Reeve.” *they go over to Cloud*

Reno: *pointing to the magazine* “Hey, I should be hottie of the month!”

Noelle: *grinning at him* “You’re my hottie of *every* month.”

Ashley: *mutters* “Oh that was *so* incredibly lame.”

Reno: *arm around Noelle* “Well I liked it.” *Noelle giggles*

Ashley: *finishes with her nails and looks around* “Hey, Vincent. Whatcha doin’ in the corner?”

Vincent: “…..nothing.”

Ashley: “Okay….”

Rufus: *approaches Cloud with Reeve with his best ‘vote for me’ look* “Hi, Cloud.”

Cloud: “Huh? Who are you?”

Rufus: “That’s not important. What *is* important is that you help us get that ugly, greedy, planet freak the hell off that couch.”

Sephiroth: “I can hear you, Dufus!”

Rufus: *ignores Sephy* “Listen, you’ve got that sword, so if you’d go kick his ass for us, we’d really be grateful.”

Sephiroth: “Bring it on.” *yawns*

Cloud: “Uh….Sephiroth?”

Rufus: “Yeah! Sephiroth! He’s bad. Go kill him.”

Lark: *without looking up* “No blood!”

Rufus: *to Cloud* “Just hurt him badly.”

Cloud: “Okay…” *takes out his sword, and goes over to Sephiroth* “Uh…get off the couch.”

Sephiroth: *yawns* “Yeah. That’s real intimidating. Wake me when you get a *real* weapon, kay, screw up?”

(Cloud drops his sword and goes crying from the room. Sephiroth laughs)

Rufus: *back in pouting mode* “Well screw that.”

Rude: *looks up* “Hmm?”

Lark: “Sssh! Rude, can you keep it down?” *Rude shrugs and goes back to sleep*

Irvine: “Hey, whatcha writin’, Lark?”

Lark: “A fanfic.”

(In an instant Irvine, Rufus and Reeve are all gathered around Lark, trying to read over her shoulder and arguing)

Irvine: “Bet it’s about me!”

Rufus: “No way! It’s about me!”

Reeve: “It’s probably about me.”

Rufus: *shoving Reeve* “You’re not that great, you know.”

Reeve: *shoving Rufus right back* “Neither are you!”

Irvine: “Hey, maybe it’s not about any of us!”

Rufus: *turning around, poking Irvine* “What’re you trying to say, cowboy geek? That we’re not good enough for a fanfic?”

Sephiroth: “Hey, get your own material! Cowboy geek’s my nickname for him!”

Irvine: “Ow! Stop picking on me! *reaches for his gun. Rufus reaches for his. Reeve hides behind Lark’s chair*

Ashley: “Finally some excitement….”

Reno: *pointing at the magazine* “I think that would look great on you, Noelle.”

Noelle: “Reno! That’s a string bikini!”

Reno: *winks* “I know.”

(Irvine has his gun up against Rufus’ chest and Rufus’ gun is up against Irvine’s chest.)

Ashley: “Uh, Lark…you may want to stop the battle of the hotties behind you before….”

Lark: “Huh?” *looks up* “What?” *turns around and screams* “Irvine! Rufus!” *separates them* “What do you think you’re doing!?” *looks around* “Where’s Reeve?”

Reeve: *from behind the chair* “Right here.”

Lark: “What were you fighting over?”

Irvine: “Who’s in the fanfic….”

Rufus: “Yeah. Is it me?” *grins*

Lark: “No! None of you are! It’s about Rinoa and Seifer!”

Ashley: *mumbles* “Figures that stupid crack whore’s to blame for all this trouble.”

Rufus, Irvine and Reeve: *sad faces* “Oh.”

Lark: *goes back to work* “Now, go back to….whatever.”

(Irvine gives Rufus an evil eye as he goes back to the mirror.)

Rufus: *turns to Reeve* “Where were we?”

Reeve: “Trying to figure out a way to get Sephiroth off the couch.”

Rufus: “Oh yeah….” *thinks*

(Noises from outside)

Barret: “Ow!”

Cid: “@#$%@!”

Red: *growl*

Lark: “Rude, go see what’s going on.”

(He nods and goes outside. A second later he comes running back in, slamming the door behind him and backing against it)

Ashley: “What is it?”

Rude: *sweat drops* “Barret….Cid….Red…fighting.”

Lark: “Shut up, Rude! I’m trying to concentrate!”

Ashley: *heading towards the door* “I told Barret to knock it off with the leash thing. Red’s not a pet.” *cracks knuckles and leaves the room*

Vincent: “…..terrible.”

Lark: “Vincent, don’t start getting like Rude.”

Noelle: *closing her magazine with a sigh* “What now?”

Reno: *suggestive grin* “I can think of a few things.” *wink*

Noelle: “Tee hee!” *giggles*

(She and Reno leave the room. There’s a lot of screeching noises and a loud crash. Then Ashley comes back, brushing her hands off.)

Ashley: “That’ll keep them away from Red….at least for the rest of the day.”

Rude: “…..good.”

Lark: “Rude, if you keep up this chatter I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Rufus: *whispering to Reeve* “Okay, Reeve. Here’s the plan. You go poke Sephiroth. He’ll get all mad and go chasing after you. While he’s distracted with the idea of killing you, I’ll go claim the couch. Sound good?”

Reeve: *shakes head* “No.”

Rufus: *frowns* “What’s wrong?”

Reeve: “Why don’t *you* go poke him?”

Rufus: *sweat drops* “Eh heh heh…nevermind. Scratch that…” *thinks*

Sephiroth: *laughs* “Still trying to think of a way to get me off the couch, Dufus?” *chuckles* “Good luck. That puny brain of yours can’t even figure out what 2 + 2 equals.” *laughs again*

Rufus: *clenches fists. There’s practically steam coming out of his ears* “Well *excuse* me, Mr.  ‘I am the planet’! Guess I’m not as cool as you, because my father’s not some screwed up scientist, and my hair doesn’t reach the floor like a girls!”

Sephiroth: *sits up and glares at Rufus* “Hey!”

Rufus: “And too bad I don’t have a sword that’s twice the size of everyone in the room either! More easy to cut myself in half then! Hey, if you’re the planet, why you still here then? Huh? Huh, tough guy?”

Sephiroth: *chin trembles* “Meanie!” *runs out of the room crying*

Rufus: *stares blankly* “Hey. I did it.” *look at Reeve* “I did it! I got the couch! *begins running around the room singing* “I got the couch! I got the couch!”

Reeve: “Rufus, that was really mean.”

Rufus: *settling himself on the couch* “Hey, do you want to sit or not?”

Reeve: *sits* “Nevermind.”

(Irvine goes to join them)

Rufus: “From now on we have to make sure that Sephiroth never gets this couch, okay?”

Irvine and Reeve: “Okay.”

Vincent: “….cruel.”

Rude: “…..agreed.”

Lark: *slams pen down* “Okay, that’s it. I’ve warned you guys, but now you’ve crossed the line. You’re gonna have to leave.”

Rufus, Reeve and Irvine: “Us?”

Lark: “No! Rude and Vincent!”

Rude and Vincent: “……..”

(They leave)

Ashley: “Were they talking?”


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