Sephiroth: “He’s being violent! Disqualify him!”

Originally Published: 6/1/00 . 9 pages

Synopsis
The guys decide to have a best body contest, and it’s up to the girls to be the judges! Who will be named the winner?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

This ramble is SO fan girl it almost makes me cringe. A lot of the early rambles have a lot of swooning all over the ramble guys in it, and it all seems kind of silly now. But I do have to remember how long ago I wrote these…a long, long time ago. An interesting note on this ramble – I couldn’t decide who I wanted to win, so I asked Shell to choose. She chose Zell, and he ended up being the winner.

(Rufus, Irvine, Squall, Reeve, Sephiroth and Zell are all hanging out in the room. Sephiroth’s stretched across the couch, playing with his masamune. Rufus and Reeve are arguing. Irvine’s brushing his hair. Squall is reading the new issue of Timber Maniacs and Zell is punching the air.)

Rufus: *pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket* “Look, I got a love letter. I bet it’s from Bria!” *grins in Reeve’s face as he opens and reads it. His face goes pale*

Reeve: *laughs* “Who’s it from, Rufus?”

Rufus: *rips it up, pouting* “Scarlet.”

(Reeve laughs, and Rufus hits him.)

Sephiroth: “Big deal. I get tons of love letters from girls.”

Rufus: *hands on hips* “From who? Katie and Lizzy?”

Sephiroth: “…..Yes.”

Irvine: “I get lots of love letters too.”

Sephiroth: “Nobody asked you, cowboy geek.”

Irvine: “My hair is shiner than yours.”

Sephiroth: *leaping to his feet* “Oh, that’s it!” *goes to attack Irvine*

Zell: *punching the air* “I’ll help you out, Irvine.”

Sephiroth: *laughs* “You?”

Zell: “Yeah!”

Squall: *mumbles* “Zell….better stick to punching air.”

Zell: “Come on, Squall. I can take this guy.”

Squall: “Whatever….”

Sephiroth: “You’re puny.”

Zell: “No way! I’m buffer than you!”

Sephiroth: “Prove it, insignificant fool!”

Zell: *takes his shirt off* “See?”

Sephiroth: *laughs* “What a joke.” *strips down to the waist*

Rufus: “What’s going on over there?”

Zell: “We’re having a contest to see who’s buffer.”

Rufus: “I could beat you both!” *takes trench coat and shirt off* “See!”

Sephiroth: “What a joke, pretty boy.”

Irvine: *joining right in* “None of ya can beat me.”

Sephiroth: “Please. It’s no contest.”

Reeve: “I’m getting in on this.” *off with his shirt*

Sephiroth: *laughs hysterically* “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahah!” *doubles over laughing*

Reeve: *frowns* “Nothing’s funny.”

Rufus: *laughs* “Not to you!”

(Reeve pushes him)

Zell: “Come on, Squall. Get in on this!”

Squall: *eyes glued to the magazine* “Whatever.”

Zell: *pulling him to his feet* “Come on, Squall.”

Squall: “….Fine.” *takes off jacket and shirt*

(All the boys turn to look at themselves in the mirror that’s the length of the whole wall. Just as they’re admiring themselves the door opens and in comes Lark.)

Lark: *without looking up, pondering over the papers in her hand* “Damn bills. Who’s making all these phone calls? Where am I going to get the money for all this? Hmmm…maybe Rufus will…” *she looks up and sees all the guys–without shirts* “Uh…..” *passes out*

(Guys rush over)

Irvine: “Do you think that was a compliment?”

Sephiroth: “Of course! She can’t resist me!”

Squall: “Whatever….”

Rufus: *shaking Lark’s shoulders* “Wake up!”

Lark: *eyes opening like nothing ever happened at all and gets up* “Okay. What’s going on here, and *why* wasn’t I informed?”

Zell: “Compliment!” *He and Irvine give one another 5 fives*

Sephiroth: “We’re having a contest–”

Rufus: “To see who’s the most built.”

Sephiroth: *brags* “I won.”

Reeve: “No you didn’t.”

Sephiroth: “Silence, ignoramus!”

Lark: *raises eyebrows* “Let me judge.”

(Dead silence)

Rufus: “Okay!”

Irvine: “Sure!”

Sephiroth: “No!”

Squall: “Whatever….”

Sephiroth: “Rigged!”

Lark: “Sephy, we didn’t even start yet.”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “Don’t call me Sephy.”

Lark: *casually* “Then you’re disqualified.”

Sephiroth: *pouts, crossing his arms* “Fine.”

Lark: “In line!”

(All the guys line up in front of the mirror. Reno walks in, whistling. When he sees what’s going on he turns around and walks back out the door, still whistling.)

Sephiroth: “He would have lost anyway.”

(All the guys try their best to look as good as possible. Except Squall.)

Lark: “Squall! Start trying!”

Squall: “Whatever…” *stands up straighter*

Lark: *pondering* “Hmmm…this is tough.”

Sephiroth: *fists in the air* “I win!”

Lark: “Will you stop celebrating before I make a decision?!”

Rufus: “Yeah!”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, prissy boy.” *lifts him up by the neck*

Lark: *slowly* “Disqual–”

Sephiroth: *dropping Rufus on the floor* “Didn’t touch him!”

Rufus: *grumbling as he gets to his feet* “Violence doesn’t solve anything. Fear’s the way to go.”

Zell: “I’m hungry. Make up your mind!”

Irvine: “Be patient, Zell. Let the little lady make up her mind.” *wink, tips hat*

Lark: *swoons* “Ah….heh…you’re so cute, Irvine.”

Sephiroth: *pushing Irvine violently out of the line. He goes flying into the mirror.* “Get on with the judging, woman!” *raises masamune*

Lark: *helping Irvine back in line* “One more violent outburst, Sephy, and you’re out! Keep your masamune to yourself!”

Sephiroth: “It was Squall! He has a sword!”

Squall: *mutters* “It’s called a gunblade, jerk.”

Sephiroth: *reaches for masamune, but stops himself and smiles fakely* “Eh heh heh…thanks for setting me straight.” *lowers voice* “Stupid teenager. Thinks he’s all that and a Mako reactor.”

Lark: *still pondering* “You know, I think I’m going to need some other opinions.”

Sephiroth: “I’m all for Katie and Lizzy!”

(Lark leaves the room for a moment and returns w/ Ashley, Noelle and Shell)

Sephiroth: *crosses arms and pouts* “I still say it’s rigged…”

Noelle: “A best body contest! Why didn’t you tell me before, bitch?!” *scans the line* “Hey, where’s Cloud?”

Ashley: “And Seifer?”

Sephiroth: “No more participants. Contest’s closed.”

Lark: *glares* “Since when are you in charge?! *smiles at Ashley and Noelle* “Go get them.”

(Noelle and Ashley skip out.)

Lark: “So, Shell, whadda think?”

Shell: *sighs* “Whatever.”

Squall: “That’s what I said.”

(Noelle and Ashley come back in, Cloud and Seifer in tow.)

Cloud: “Where am I? Who are you?”

Noelle: *putting him in line* “Take off your shirt, Cloud.”

Cloud: “Huh?”

Sephiroth: “Your shirt, dimwit!” *Lark glares at him* “Nice…dimwit.”

Cloud: “Uh…..this is a jumper.” *Noelle drags him from the room* “Help! I’m being kidnapped!”

Seifer: *shirtless* “Heh heh. Chicken-wuss is in this contest? Why bother!”

(Zell starts to flip out)

Sephiroth: “He’s being violent! Disqualify him!” *Lark ignores him*

(Noelle comes back with a shirtless Cloud and puts him in line)

Sephiroth: “Get on with it!”

Seifer: “Hey, what does the winner get?”

Sephiroth: “Pounded by me.”

Rufus: “What if the winner is you, moron?” *laughs* “You gonna beat up yourself?” *laughs again*

Sephiroth: *clenches fists* “Urge to kill rising….”

Lark: *loudly* “Ok, the contest will now begin!”

(The girls start at the beginning of the line. First: Cloud.)

Cloud: *scratches head* “Where’s my shirt?”

Noelle: *swoons* “He’s so cute!”

(Next: Seifer. He flexes his muscles. Ashley faints and the girls have to revive her.)

Sephiroth: *mumbles* “Show off.”

Lark: “Hey, no comments from the peanut gallery.”

(Next: Squall. He just stands there.)

Lark: “Come on, Squall. Try and convince us you’re the hottest!”

Squall: “Whatever….where’s Rinoa?”

Ashley: *mutters* “Stupid crack whore.”

(Next: Zell. He demonstrates some fighting moves)

Shell: “Why did you get a tattoo on the side of your face?”

Zell: *frowns and hangs head* “I just wanted to be popular.”

Lauren: “Aw!” *hugs Zell*

Sephiroth: “No pity!”

All girls: “Shut up, Sephiroth!”

(Next: Irvine. He winks and tips his hat.)

Lark: *swoons* “Heh heh…Irvine…” *they drag her to the next contestant*

(Next: Sephiroth, who flexes his muscles arrogantly.)

Sephiroth: “Here’s your winner right here!”

Lark: “…..Yeah.”

(They move on to Rufus, who flicks his bangs back and grins)

Lark: *swoons* “Hehe…Rufus is *so* cute…” *gets dragged to the next contestant*

(Reeve is next. He weakly waves at the girls.)

All girls, except Shell: “Aw!”

Lark: “Okay, we’ll make our decision now.”

(Girls get in a huddle in the corner.)

Cloud: *to Seifer* “Who are you?”

Seifer: *edging away* “Anyone wanna switch places with me?”

Sephiroth: *nudges Rufus and indicating towards the group of girls* “I heard my name.”

Rufus: “With the word loser attached to it?” *laughs*

(Sephiroth reaches for his masamune)

Lark: *without looking up* “No violence, Sephiroth!”

Sephiroth: *putting masamune away* “She knows me too well.”

Ashley: “We have a winner!”

Noelle: “Yup!”

Lark: “The winner is….”

All girls: “Zell Dincht!”

All guys except Zell: “WHAT?!”

Seifer: “Chicken-wuss!?”

Squall: “Whatever…”

Irvine: *frowns* “They didn’t pick me…I bet it was the hat.”

(Sephiroth faints)

Zell: “Yeah! I won! What’s my prize?”

Lark: “Free Garden hot dogs!”

Zell: *fist in the air* “All right!”

(Everyone leaves the room, stepping over Sephy)

MUCH LATER….

(It’s night. Sephiroth is *still* passed out on the floor. Lark’s the only one there. She’s on the couch, reading the FF7 strategy guide for the billionth time.)

Sephiroth: *waking up* “Ooh…man…I had this dream I lost a contest on who had the best body and that wuss *Zell* won!”

Lark: *without looking up* “That was no dream, hon.”

(Sephiroth faints again)

THE END