#28 – If You Can’t Say Anything Nice……

Lark: “I knew it! Where is the masamune? Whose body is it in?”

Originally Published: 8/17/00 . 12 pages

Seifer wants Lark and Sephiroth to double date with him and Ashley. Sephiroth is trying to follow some advice and be nice to everyone, but will doing so get him the girl?

Ramble Milestones
-First guests that come from the real world.
-First time Ashley and Seifer get together.

As Randy Jackson might say on American Idol, this one was just a’wight for me, dawg. Not a great one, but there are definitely ones that are worse. I find it strange that Sephiroth manages to pull a six pack of beer out of nowhere in this ramble…he must have lost that skill at some point, otherwise Reno and Irvine never would have left him alone.

(sephiroth is lounging around watching tv in the tv room. he’s watching cops, but he doesn’t look too happy)

Sephiroth: “Oh, come on! You call that slamming his head against the pavement! Put some heart into it!” *frown and mutters* “Ametuers.”

Lark: *pokes her head* “There you are! Geez, for someone who hates Rufus you sure like what his money pays for.”

Sephiroth: *waves her away* “Away with you, woman.”

Lark: “I have a job for you.”

Sephiroth: “Get Reno to do it. He’ll do anything if you pay him in alcohol.”

Lark: “…it involves Cloud.”

Sephiroth: *turns around, looks excited* “Does it involve the masamune?”

Lark: “I need you to get him drunk off his ass.”

Sephiroth: *confused* “What? Why?”

Lark: “I need him to act *normal*.”

Sephiroth: “Why? No one likes him when he’s normal!”

Lark: “Just do it.”

Sephiroth: “Fine…”

(she leaves. sephy turns back to the tv)

Sephiroth: “After this episode.”

(later….Ashley, seifer, sephiroth, a drunk cloud, reno, rufus, shell, and rude are in the ramble room)

Ashley: “Tell me again why you had to get Cloud drunk off his ass?”

Reno: *mutters* “Why couldn’t Lark have ordered you to get *me* drunk?”

Sephiroth: “I told you I don’t know! I guess we’ll see.”

Cloud: “Good evening all. You are all looking well.”

Sephiroth: “Shut the hell up!”

Cloud: “Why are you so mean to me, Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth: “BECAUSE I HATE YOU!”

Cloud: *blinks* “That was a bit harsh.”

Seifer: “You look really pretty today, Ashley!” *grins* “Almost as nice as me!”

Ashley: *gives him a weird look* “Thanks…I think…”

(lark enters with two other girls)

Lark: “Hi you guys! Look, I brought some friends for the day!”

Rufus: *skeptically* “Are they from Gundam Wing?”

Lark: “No! Guys, meet Brianna and Pam.”

Brianna and Pam: *make a beeline for cloud* “CLOUDY!!!”

Cloud: *smiles* “I’m popular.” *hugs both girls*

Sephiroth: “Oh. So *that’s* why you wanted him normal.”

Brianna: “Hi, Sephy!”

Sephiroth: *narrows eyes* “Don’t call me Sephy.”

Lark: “Sephy! Be nice.”

Sephiroth: *sighs* “Fine….I’ll try….”

Ashley: “Hi you guys! Welcome to the ramble room!”

Shell: “Yeah! Hi!” *throws arms around rude* “He’s mine.”

Rude: *blinks* “Okay….”

Pam: “Hi….”

Brianna: “Hi!!! I’m so happy to be here!”

Reno: “Wanna have a drink with me?”

Lark: “Reno! Can we *not* mention the booze for 5 minutes??”

Reno: *hangs head* “Maybe….”

Lark: “I told you two that they’re all nuts!”

Pam: *pets cloud* “I’m enjoying myself.”

Brianna: *head on cloud’s lap* “Me too.”

Cloud: “See? Everyone enjoys my company.” *looks at sephy* “Sephiroth, why are you turning that deep shade of red?”

Sephiroth: *raises masamune* “I–“

Lark: *calmly* “Sephiroth…..”

Sephiroth: “Argh!” *storms out of the room*

Cloud: “I don’t see what his problem is.”

(later….sephiroth is pacing in the halls and Brianna and Pam, hanging off of cloud, come over)

Brianna: “Hi, Sephy!”

Sephiroth: “What did I tell you about calling me that?”

Brianna: “Yeah, but Lark told you to shut up!”

Sephiroth: *frowns and leans against the wall* “Yeah….”

Cloud: “You know, I am beginning to think you like Lark, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “Oh man! Even the idiot knows and she doesn’t!”

Pam: *hugs cloud* “Don’t call Cloudy an idiot!”

Brianna: “I can’t believe she doesn’t know! It’s sooooo obvious!”

Sephiroth: *sighs* “……………..”

Brianna: “I think we should help you, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “I’ve tried everything…”

Cloud: “Have you tried being nice to everyone?”

Sephiroth: “I’m not taking advice from you, puppet!” *raises masamune*

Brianna: “Cloud’s got a point, Sephiroth. I mean, you’re nice to her, but not to everyone else.”

Sephiroth: *jaw drops* “You mean I have to be nice to *everyone*? Even Rufus?”

Pam: “*Especially* Rufus.”

Sephiroth: *looks worried* “I don’t know if I can do that…”

Cloud: “If you really like her, you’ll try!”

Sephiroth: “What did I tell you?” *raises masamune*

Pam: “That *includes* Cloud as well!”

Sephiroth: *looks at masamune* “I should just stop carrying this around…”

Brianna: “So, are you going to take our advice?”

Sephiroth: “…………………….yes.”

Brianna: “Yeah!”

Cloud: “Good luck, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: *goes to make a nasty reply, but shuts his mouth and smiles fakely instead* “Thank you *Cloud*.”

(later…sephiroth is in the ramble room, practicing his smile in front of the mirror wall)

Sephiroth: *smiles* “Too fake.” *smiles again* “Too creepy.” *smiles again* “Too sly.” *smiles again* “No, that one screams I will become one with the planet.” *frowns and pats his sides* “I feel naked without my masamune….what if someone tries to attack me?” *pales, wide eyes*

(the door opens and lark enters with a reluctant seifer)

Lark: “Come on, Seifer! If you don’t walk I’ll drag you!”

Seifer: “This is dumb! Really dumb!”

Sephiroth: “What’s going on?”

Lark: *goes to talk but she frowns and looks sephy over. twice. then she goes over and pats his sides* “I knew it! Where is the masamune? Whose body is it in?”

Sephiroth: “Actually….I left it home today.”

Lark: *feels sephy’s head, looks worried* “Are you all right?”

Sephiroth: *smiles, the fake one* “Fine.” *looks at seifer* “Hello, Seifer. How are you this evening?”

Seifer: *looks confused* “Um….fine…why?”

Sephiroth: “I’m just asking to be nice. You know, *friendly*.”

(lark and seifer exchanged scared looks)

Sephiroth: “What!? I can’t be nice?!”

Lark: “Um…anyway, hon, Seifer was wondering something….” *pushes him forward* “Go ahead, Seifer.”

Seifer: *sweat drops* “Um…will you and Lark ask Ashley out for me, and double date with us?”

Sephiroth: “Why can’t you ask her?”

Seifer: *looks at the floor* “Cause I’m scared she’ll say no…”

Sephiroth: “You want me to….” *gulp* “Go out with Lark?”

Lark: “Why? You don’t want to?”

Sephiroth: *looks away* “No…..I will go….if I’m….you know….*forced*….”

Lark: “No one’s forcing you, hon.”

Sephiroth: *snaps* “I said I’d go, okay?!” *catches himself, clears his throat* “Excuse me.”

Lark: “Okay…..let’s go talk to Ashley.”

(several minutes later…lark and sephy approach Ashley)

Lark: “Hey, Ashley. What’s up?”

Ashley: *looks suspicious* “Okay, what is it?”

Lark: *blinks* “What?”

Ashley: “Well when you and your pit bull Sephiroth here gang up on someone it’s *never* good. If this is about the phone bill, Duo only calls *me*. You know, I saw Rinoa using it a lot—-“

Sephiroth: “Stop babbling, woman!”

Lark: “It’s not about the phone bill. Seifer was just wondering if you wanted to go on a double date with me and Seph.”

Ashley: “Why didn’t *he* ask me?”

Sephiroth: “Cause he’s a loser.”

Ashley: “Well my answer is definitely yes!” *pause* “Wait. Lark…..you and Sephiroth are going out?”

Lark and Sephiroth: *insisting* “As friends.”

Ashley: *skeptical* “Right…..”

(even later….seph passes cloud, Brianna and Pam)

Brianna: “Hi, Sephy!”

Sephiroth: *creepy, forced smile* “Why good evening.”

Pam: *blinks* “Wow….you’re really going through with this nice thing, huh?”

Sephiroth: “Yes….”

Cloud: *looks confused* “Huh?”

Sephiroth: “Cloud, are you sobering up?”

Cloud: “What?”

Brianna: “What’s wrong, Cloud?”

Sephiroth: *snaps his fingers and a six pack appears in his hand* “Here. Pour this down his throat.”

Pam: “All of this?”

Sephiroth: “Yes.”

Brianna: “Um….okay. Thanks, Sephy.”

(he disappears)

Pam: “Do you think he’ll last?”

Brianna: “I don’t know. What do you think, Cloud?”

Cloud: “Huh? Who are you?”

(the next day. seifer, Ashley, lark and sephy are on their double date. they’re standing outside a movie theatre, arguing)

Seifer: “Ooh! Ooh! Let’s see Police Spies 3! I heard it has more explosions than the first two *combined*!”

Ashley: “Let’s see the new Disney movie!” *mumbles* “Maybe there’s a hot guy in it.”

Sephiroth: “I think we should see Bloodbath. It’s one big fight scene!”

Lark: “How about the new Jim Carrey movie? It’s supposed to be funny!”

Seifer: “I want to see explosions!”

Ashley: “I want to see hot guys!”

Sephiroth: “I want to see blood!”

Lark: “I want to laugh!”

Seifer: “Explosions!”

Ashley: “Guys!”

Sephiroth: “Blood!”

Lark: “Laughs!”

(they all start yelling at once)

Lark: *yells* “Okay, guys! We have to compromise and see something *no one* wants to see. And that would be the cheesy romance movie.”

(all others groan and she goes to buy tickets)

Seifer: *mutters* “At least it’s a good makeout movie.”

Ashley: “What’s that?”

Seifer: *sweat drops* “Nothing. You look pretty tonight.”

Ashley: “Thanks! So do you!”

Seifer: “I know!”

Ashley: “Hey, Sephiroth, you haven’t said much to Lark.”

Sephiroth: “……………………”

Seifer: “At least tell her she looks nice, man.”

Sephiroth: “……………………….”

Seifer: “Hello? Anyone home up there, Sephiroth? You becomin’ one with the planet or somethin’?” *laughs*

Ashley: “Aw, leave him alone.” *whsipers* “He’s shy.”

(lark comes back with the tickets)

Lark: “Are we all ready to suffer?” *evil grin*

(seifer and Ashley walk inside, lark and sephy behind)

Sephiroth: “You look….uh…really….” *cough* “nice tonight, Lark.”

Lark: “That’s so nice of you to say, Sephy!” *embarassed look* “You look nice too…”

(they go into the theatre and sit in this order from right to left facing the screen: lark, seph, seifer and Ashley)

Seifer: “No one wants any popcorn or anything?”

Ashley: “Nah. We’re fine. Besides, it’s going to start soon.”

(the theatre darkens, and the movie starts….20 minutes later…)

Seifer: *does that lame yawn and puts his arm around Ashley*

Sephiroth: *looks over at seifer thoughtfully, then looks at lark, who’s watching the screen intently. then he does the same thing*

Lark: *not taking eyes from the screen* “Sephiroth…”

Sephiroth: *withdrawing his arm* “I was just stretching.”

Lark: *quickly* “No, it can stay, but you didn’t have to do that lame 1950’s move.” *laughs*

Sephiroth: *arm back around her* “I swear I was just stetching.”

(about 1/2 hour later…seifer turns to Ashley and they start making out. sephy turns, look at them, then looks at lark. then he looks back at them and then at lark again)

Sephiroth: *turns to her and whispers* “Lark…..??”

Lark: *turns head* “What?”

Sephiroth: *sweat drops* “Um…..I was…um…”

Ashley: *giggles* “Seifer! Not here!”

(lark and sephy meet eyes and start laughing quietly)

Sephiroth: “Yeah, I was wondering if you wanted me to break them up.”

Lark: “Nah. Leave them.”

(1/2 hour later. Ashley and seifer are still going at it. lark’s got her head on sephy’s shoulder and he’s still go his arm around her)

Lark: “……Sephy?”

Sephiroth: “Hm?”

Lark: “You’ll carry the masamune tomorrow, right?”

Sephiroth: “….Why?”

Lark: “Well….you haven’t lately, and it’s not the same, you know?”

Sephiroth: “…….I’ll carry it tomorrow.”

Lark: *takes his hand* “Yay!”

(the movie ends, and they all leave)

Seifer: “That was fun.” *winks at Ashley*

Ashley: *grins* “Oh yeah.”

(back outside the whole ramble building…)

Seifer: *holding Ashley’s hands* “I had a lot of fun tonight, Ashley. Maybe we could go out again sometime?”

Ashley: “Sure!” *they kiss*

Sephiroth: *looks at them and licking his lips, turns back to lark, who’s looking at the sky* “Lark?”

Lark: *turns* “Yes?”

Sephiroth: “Uh………………………..this wasn’t so bad.”

Lark: “No. I had fun.”

Sephiroth: “Me too……” *thinks* Must restrain self from kissing her….

Lark: *sighs* “Well….good night.”

Sephiroth: “Bye.”

(the girls go into the ramble room. seifer leaves. sephiroth waits a moment before going in. he stands outside the door to lark’s room, listening…the girls are talking…)

Ashley: *sighs dreamily* “I just adore Seifer.”

Lark: *frowns* “Yeah.”

Ashley: “What’s wrong, hon?”

Lark: “This may sound kinda silly, but I was sorta hoping Sephiroth would kiss me.”

(sephy’s eyes get really big)

Ashley: “Why?”

Lark: “Well only ’cause he’s such an amazing kisser. Never would have thought, but remember when I kissed him for truth or dare? I was shocked!”

Ashley: “Wow.”

Lark: “Don’t tell him!”

Ashley: *swears* “I won’t.”

Lark: “Good.”

Ashley: “Now is it just me, or do you hear something that sounds like a head banging against a wall?”


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