#14 – Hey! Who Da Hell Is ‘Roth?

Twilight: “Twilight! Geez, how would you like it if I called you a stupid name!”

Originally Published: 7/10/00 . 20 pages

Sephiroth is not happy the others have been making fun of his name. When Twilight has the same problem, they team up to take down the others – but when things get out of hand, will they be able to fix things?

Ramble Milestones
-First appearence of Twilight.

Twilight is a character Shell came up with a long time ago, and the reason he was added to the rambles was because we figured he and Sephiroth would get along. This ramble was written in conjunction with Shell – she wrote the Twilight lines, and I wrote the rest. We actually started writing this one on the plane back from Florida. Honestly, though, I’m not a huge fan of this ramble. Aside from Twilight dressing up as a clown, which I think is priceless, the rest of the premise is pretty lame. The whole thing with Tseng and his stocks and his limo seems so strange now. Makes me wonder whatever happened to that limo. Anyway, Twilight made a great addition to the ramble gang.

(Sephiroth, Lark, Shell, Zell, Rufus, Irvine and Squall are all in the room. Zell is punching air, Irvine’s polishing his gun, Squall is sitting on the couch looking bored, Rufus is doing the same and Shell, Lark and Sephiroth are playing poker with Lark’s Sailor Moon cards.)

Lark: “Ok, whadda got?”

Sephiroth: “3 Aces.” *proudly puts his cards down*

Lark: “Beat me.” *throws her cards down*

Shell: “Ha ha! Royal flush! Beat ya again, Sephy!”

Lark: *mumbles* “Well, you know, if we didn’t have *five* wild cards….”

Sephiroth: *glares at shell* “Don’t call me Sephy.”

Shell: “But you let Lark call you Sephy!”

Sephiroth: *glances at lark* “Well that’s just her.”

Shell: “Then what are we supposed to call you?”

Sephiroth: “Try Sephi*roth*.”

Shell: “That’s it!”

Sephiroth: *cautiously* “What?”

Shell: “Instead of calling you Sephy, we’ll call you ‘Roth!”

Sephiroth: “WHAT?! No!”

Shell: “Yeah! What do ya think guys?”

Squall: *sighs* “Whatever.”

Irvine: *laughs* “I think it’s a great nickname!”

Rufus: *tries to supress laughter* “Heh heh…”

Zell: “Hey! ‘Sup, ‘Roth?!”

Sephiroth: *glares* “I will kill you all.”

Lark: “Aw, come on, Sephy. I think it’s cute!”

Sephiroth: *glares* “I do not share that view.”

Irvine: “What’s new, *’Roth*?” *laughs*

Sephiroth: *grounds teeth angrily* “See??”

Lark: “Don’t worry, hon. Everyone will forget about it by tomorrow.”

(the next day. Sephiroth’s sleeping on the couch. Lark’s at the table writing something.)

Zell: *running in, fist in the air* “Hey! ‘Sup, ‘Roth?”

Sephiroth: *sits up fast* “Huh?! Where’s the fire?” *sees zell* “Oh. It’s just you. And what did I say about that nickname?”

Zell: *shrugs* “Nothin’ different from what you usually say.”

Sephiroth: “Grrrrr….”

Lark: “Oh come on, Sephiroth. You over react to everything.”

Sephiroth: *points to zell* “Don’t put me on his level!”

Zell: *starts to flip out* “What did you say?”

Lark: *head in her hands* “Oh dear. Not again.”

Sephiroth: *gets up* “I said you suck!”

Zell: “I’ll take you down!”

Lark: *gets between them* “Come on, boys! Can you not fight for 5 minutes?”

Zell: “Not if we run into a random encounter!” *laughs at his own joke. no one else does. lark and sephiroth look at each other* “What? Get it? Random encounters, like in the game!” *still no reaction* “Fine.”

(Rufus and Reno come running in. Reno had his night stick in hand the they’re both out of breath and terrified)

Rufus: “HHHEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP!” *runs over and hugs lark*

Lark: “What’s wrong?”

Reno: *hides behind the couch* “There’s this crazy kid chasing us with this crazy orange laser weapon!”

Rufus: “It can cut through anything!”

Lark: “Oh n–“

(the door opens and Twilight rushes in, lightsaber in hand and Shell in pursuit)

Twilight: “Where are they? Where did those cowards hide?”

Lark: “Hi, Twilight. Hi, Shell. What happened?”

Rufus: *hides behind lark* “‘Roth! Do something! Kill him!”

Sephiroth: *crosses arms* “I refuse to answer to ‘Roth.”

Reno: *in a high pitched voice* “They’re not here! They must have run to Hojo’s lab! Heh heh….”

Twilight: “Hahahahahaha! You’re behind the couch! Now you will know the wrath of the great Twilight XyXia! Ahahahahahaha!”

Shell: “Twilight! What did Opal say about killing people?”

Twilight: *frowns* “But they said I looked like I was 12!”

Shell: “Can’t you just discuss this?”

Twilight: “No…..”

Lark: “No one we know can discuss anything! It’s always fight, fight, fight! Just before you came in here Zell and Sephiroth were about to kill each other!”

Zell: “Oh yeah!”

Sephiroth: “Where were we?”

Zell: *in position* “I was about to kick your ass.”

Sephiroth: *takes out masamune* “In your dreams!”

Lark: “No, no! No fighting!” *sighs* “Reno, Rufus, apologize to Twilight.”

Rufus: *squeaks* “I’m sorry! Please don’t kill me!”

Reno: “Yeah…whatever.” *gets up* “Who wants a beer?”

Twilight: “I don’t want any of your cheap liquor.”

Shell: “I don’t think they were asking you.”

Twilight: *to sephy and zell* “You guys are gonna fight? I’m putting my money on the guy with the really big sword.”

Sephiroth: “You have chosen wisely.”

Zell: “Hey!”

Sephiroth: *raises sword* “Ha ha!”


Sephiroth: *puts sword away* “Fine….I’ll kill him when you’re not looking.”

Reno: *getting a beer for himself and rufus* “Hey, did you call my liquor cheap?”

Lark: “Hey! No need to fight over the obvious! How ’bout an introduction! Twilight, meet Sephiroth, Zell, Rufus and Reno. Guys, that’s Twilight.”

Twilight: “That’s the all powerful Twilight XyXia to you people.”

Sephiroth: *glares* “I am Sephiroth the dark and powerful overlord of the planet.”

(everyone tries not to laugh)

Zell: “Just call him ‘Roth for short. He loves it.” *laughs*

Sephiroth: “Urge to kill rising….”

Lark: “Eh heh….so, Twilight, what do you think so far?”

Twilight: “I think this room needs more posters of me.”

Shell: “There *are* no posters of you.”

Twilight: “Just enlarge a photo. Look, I’ll pose.” *raises lightsaber and tries to look scary*

Lark: *bursts out laughing*

Reno: “Is he for real, or is this some kind of joke?”

Sephiroth: “I think he’s just a cheap knock off of me.”

Twilight: “Hey! I knew Lauren and Shell—I mean *Lark*, first and I’m a Jedi! And I’ve got a hot chick!”

Sephiroth: “Well I—I….uh….” *looks around* “Shut up!”

Reno: *laughs* “Ha ha! You *do* suck!”

Sephiroth: “Hey! I have the black materia! I’ll destroy you all!”

Rufus: “You do not have it.”

Sephiroth: “Hey! He doesn’t know that!”

Twilight: “I don’t know what that is anyway. Hey…what was your name? ‘Roth? Long hair rules!”

Sephiroth: “That’s *Sephi*roth, and thanks.” *runs his fingers through his hair* “It takes a lot of gel, but it’s worth it.”

Zell: *snorts* “My hair’s spiker than yours.”

Sephiroth: *points a finger at zell* “Don’t make me threaten you again.”

Twilight: “Sephiroth? But they call you ‘Roth, right?”

Sephiroth: *turns to twilight* “That doesn’t mean I like it!”

Reno: “What’s the matter, *’Roth*? Don’t like your little nickname?” *he and rufus laugh*

Sephiroth: “Urge to kill–“

Lark: “See, Twilight, they call him ‘Roth, like we call you Twily.”

Zell: “Twily?! Ha ha!”

Twilight: “Shut up! The great Twilight XyXia does not appreciate mockery. Let’s see how loud you laugh with a lightsaber up your–“

Shell: “Twily!”

Twilight: “Twilight! Geez, how would you like it if I called you a stupid name!”

Sephiroth: “People with long names are people too!”

Rufus: *snorts* “I thought you were the planet.” *he and reno laugh*

Sephiroth: “Urge to–“

Lark: “Stop with the urges!” *sighs* “Shell, Reno, Rufus, Zell, I think we should let Sephiroth and Twilight cool off for awhile.”

Reno: “You mean ‘Roth?”

Zell: “And Twily.”

(they all laugh and leave)

Twilight: “That’s it! WE have to get back at them! Where do you keep the heavy weaponry? Ah, I’ll just use the Force…”

Sephiroth: “I’ve got a sword.” *pulls out a masamune* “And I can destroy the planet! Plus, I can manipulate this loser named Cloud….”

Twilight: “I can manipulate this loser named Trek! Hehe!” *pause* “But that’ll piss off Shell and Lark, and then my chick will get mad….not to mention I’d turn to the dark side again….is there any way to take revenge on these pathetic mortals without massacring them?”

Sephiroth: *thinks* “No massacres, huh? Hmmm…that leaves out setting everything on fire. Plus, I don’t really want to upset Lark either….” *thinks* “Those losers, I bet they would hate it if….” *evil laughter*

Twilight: “If we give them stupid names? Whoo hoo! What a great idea! I’m a genius! You get some paper and we’ll think of some really clever names for them.” *evil giggling*

Sephiroth: “Hey! I thought of the idea first!”

Twilight: “Of course you did…” *smirks* “Weren’t you getting paper?”

Sephiroth: *mumbles* “Stupid little twit.” *leaves to get paper*

(later…Sephiroth and Twilight still hanging out in the room….)

Twilight: “So how many do we have?”

Sephiroth: *counts* “20! You know, you don’t even know half the losers on here.”

Twilight: “That’s okay. I’m good at being pre-judgemental.” *pause* “Hey! That was a good word. Write that down. I want to use it in front of Opal.”

Sephiroth: “Write it yourself! I’m not your slave!”

Twilight: “I *can’t* write!” *mumbles* “Stupid jerk.”

Sephiroth: *mumbles* “Sure you can’t.” *writes it down* “Okay…so now that we have the list, what do we do with it? Put it on the internet? You know, Lark thinks I don’t know how, but I can–“

Twilight: “Let’s give it to those people they hate! You know, the guys not allowed in the room.”

Sephiroth: *shudders* “You mean Nida and Heidegger and Scarlet and….” *gulp* “Hojo? Who told you about those rejects?”

Twilight: “I saw them playing tiddly winks in the hallway and talking about how they didn’t need the ramble room ’cause they were having such a great time by themselves.”

Sephiroth: *laughs* “Tiddly winks! Heh! Damn, I wish I had had a camera for that!” *pause* “Very well, but I cannot give them the list….”

Twilight: “Why not?” *sigh* “All right, I’ll do it, you weenie.”

Sephiroth: “I am not a weenie! If you knew you would understand.” *hands the list to twilight* “Now be careful. They are creepy, weird, annoying, messed up people. That’s why they are not allowed in.”

Twilight: “I’m used to hanging out with warped people. I’m Catainian you know. All right, I’m off. I’ll see you later to view the results.”

(Twilight approaches the freak show)

Nida: *taking all the tiddly winks* “Ha ha! I win! *Again*!”

Scarlet: *glares* “Are you cheating? I think you’re cheating.”

Nida: *whines* “Am not, you stupid ‘ho!”

Scarlet: “Are to, you whiny brat!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Let’s play again!”

Hojo: *checks his watch* “My steamed kelp is almost done.”

Twilight: *comes over* “Hey, losers and freaks! Do I have something fun for you to do!”

Hojo: “Excuse me? Losers and freaks? We prefer ‘popularity challenged’.”

Nida: “Hey! I’m cool!”

Scarlet: “No you’re not.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! What have you got, kid?”

Hojo: “Is it a bucket of dead frogs?”

Twilight: “Ew, no! It’s a list of nicknames for use against the ramble people.”

Hojo: *lifts eyebrow* “Is that so? Like what? Who wrote this? Any why are you giving it to us?”

Twilight: “Geez! You ask a lot of questions, you old freak!”

Hojo: “I am a man of science.”

Twilight: “Whatever. Just take the list and use it well. Make sure they see it.”

Hojo: *takes the list* “Very well. I suppose it isn’t wise to question a helping hand.”

Scarlet: “Shut up!” *grabs the list from Hojo*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! There’s smoke coming from your lab, Hojo!”

Hojo: “Oh no! My kelp!” *runs into his lab*

Twilight: “Now I get it.” *he leaves*

Nida: *hysterical as he reads the names over scarlet’s shoulder* “Oh, man! I know exactly what we have to do with this!”

Scarlet: “What?”

Nida: *gets up* “Come on! To our page!” *runs out*

(the next day. it’s pretty crowded in the room. zell, reno, rufus, irvine, cloud, squall, seifer, rude, laguna, kiros, reeve, tseng, vincent, barret, cid, red and lark are all there. rufus brought his computer and there are a bunch of people crowding around, looking at it.)

Barret: “Heh heh!” *throws a ball over red’s head to cid who’s on the other side*

Cid: *catches it* “@#$%!”

Red: *sits still, stone faced* “I am not amused.”

Reno: “Hey, Rufus! go to http://www.whitehouse–“

Rufus: “No, Reno. That’s a porn site.”

Reno: “Dammit!” *mumbles* “He’s already ahead of me.”

Tseng: “Can you check my stocks?”

Reno: “Yo, that’s boring, man! You’re so boring!”

Tseng: “Fine. I’ll look in the paper.” *crosses the room*

Laguna: “Hey hey! Someone IM’d you!”

Rufus: “It’s no one I know. I’ll just close—“

Reno: “Wait, man! They gave you a link! It could be for a porn site!” *takes the mouse and clicks on it*

Rufus: “Reno!”

Irvine: “Might as well see what it is.”

Reno: “Ooh! Loading live image! Hey! This is gonna be great!”

Zell: “Excited, Squall?”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Tseng: *reading paper* “Oh….well….” *smiles*

Vincent: “What?”

Tseng: “My stock went up. I think I’ll sell.”

Vincent: “How much did you make?”

Tseng: “Ten thousand Gil.”

(everyone in the room stops talking at once and they stare at Tseng in shock. then everyone starts speaking at once)

Reno: “Tseng! Did you ever know that you’re my hero?”

Rufus: “You know, as your boss….”

Irvine: “I know we haven’t been the best of friends, but….”

Zell: “Yo! You know you’re a really cool guy…”

Laguna: “As President of Esthar….”

Kiros: “Ward says…”

Squall: “Whatever…”

Lark: “Tseng, darling! You know you’re my favorite Turk….”

Seifer: “You know, fightin’ Squall *really* screwed up my gunblade and I *could* use another…”

Cloud: “Huh?”

Rude: “…wow.”

Barret: “Yo, man! We need funds to restart AVALANCHE!”

Cid: “@#$%!”

Red: *scared* “Help me.”

Tseng: “Uh…I’ve gotta go.” *runs out of the room with vincent*

Reno: “Dammit!”

Reeve: “Well, you called him boring.”

Reno: “I was kidding! He knew I was kidding!”

(suddenly nida’s face appears on the computer)

Reno: “Ack! That ain’t porn!”

Squall: *screams* “AHHHHHHHH!! It’s Nida!!”

Lark: *runs over* “Nida?! Where?!” *holds up a sling shot*

Rufus: “There.” *points to screen*

Nida: “Hello, losers.” *grins* “My friends and I have gotten our hands on a little list.” *camera pans out so you can see Hojo, Scarlet, and Heidegger. heidegger is making the list dance over scarlet’s head* “What kind of list is it?”

Reno: “I didn’t *really* go to jail all those times! I was visiting, I swear!”

Nida: “It’s a list of all kinds of cutesy nicknames our source, who will remain anonymous, made up for you guys. I think I’ll read some of them.” *looks down at the paper* “How’s Re-re doin’?” *grins* “That’s you, Reno.”

Reno: *pales* “Oh fu–“

Lark: *claps a hand over reno’s mouth. sweat drops* “Eh heh heh…no, dear.”

Nida: “How about Rufy a.k.a Rufus?”

Rufus: “That’s not fair!”

Nida: “There’s also Goona.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! I think that’s me!”

Kiros: *laughs really loud* “That’s a good one!”

Nida: “There’s also Belly-Zell, Girly Irvy, and, my personal favorite, Squalliepoo.”

Squall: *brings out his gunblade and lunges for the screen* “I’ll kill you good!”

Irvine: *stopping squall* “Hey, Squall, get Nida, not the computer.”

Nida: “We’ve already posted the list on our website, but here’s the best part. If you don’t hand over the ramble room in 24 hours, we’ll send the list to every FF hater out there *and* those GW boys you all love.”


Nida: “Heh heh. Give us the ramble room, or it’s click click, send list send.” *evil grin* “It’s your choice.”

Squall: “Can we choose to kill you?”

Irvine: “He can’t hear you, man.”

Nida: “That’s all for now. Bye bye, morons!” Ahahahahahahahaha! Ahahahahahaha! Ahahahahah-” *turns around* “Hojo, shut the camera off!”

Hojo: “I’m trying!”

Heidegger: *as he makes the list dance on scarlet’s head* “Gya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Gya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Gya-ha–“

Scarlet: *shooing his hand away* “Could you *stop* doing that, ya big, dumb clod?!”

Nida: “Hojo! Come on! You suck! Don’t ya know how to work it?”

Hojo: “No…..”

Nida: “Oh, for the planet’s sake!” *gets up* “Just kick it.”

Hojo: “Hey, no, I—“


Lark: “Give up the ramble room?!”

Reno: “Re-re?! What kinda crappy name is that?! Who made up that list?!”

Lark: “That Hojo! I’ll send a whole circus of clowns after him!”

Squall: “Let me kill Nida! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please???”

Rufus: “I bet I know who wrote the list.”

Kiros: “Ward?”

Rufus: *gives him a strange look* “No….Sephiroth and that stick kid.”

Lark: “Twilight?”

Reno: “Yeah! Let’s kill ’em!”

Lark: “No!” *grins* “They got us into this mess. The least they could do is get us out….”

(lark has corned twilight and sephiroth in the hallway. she’s got reno’s night stick and she’s casually tapping it against her other hand)

Lark: “Fun’s over, boys. Hope you enjoyed writing your little list.”

Twilight: “Yeah! That rocked, didn’t it?”

Sephiroth: *glares at him* “How dumb are you? Can’t you see we’re in trouble?”

Twilight: “Hey, I’ve been in worse trouble than this. Besides, I have the *Force*.”

Lark: “Watch me give a @#$%.”

Sephiroth: *gasps* “You cursed?!”

Lark: “Shut up! Thanks to you, Hojo and his pals want the ramble room! If I don’t give it to them, I’ll have no friends in FF land left, and I’ll never be able to play the game again.”

Twilight: *sarcastically* “What a loss.”

Lark: “You guys had better convince Hojo and the rest to forget about the ramble room, or I’ll….” *reaches into her pocket and pulls out scissors* “Snip, snip. Bye bye nice, long hair.”

Twilight: “Not my crowning glory!”

Sephiroth: *covering his head* “No! This took me years to grow out!”

Lark: “Then will you help me?”

Twilight: *sighs* “I guess so. Anyway, Opal would get pissed if she found out.”

Sephiroth: “So….do you have a plan?”

Lark: *puts the scissors away* “No. Have fun.” *leaves*

Sephiroth: *points to twilight* “This is all *your* fault!”

Twilight: “No it’s not. It’s those preppy jerks who made fun of us’s fault.” *pause* “Let’s just go tell them the ramble room burned down.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t think they’ll believe that. They’re dumb, but not Cloud dumb.”

Twilight: “Then let’s tell them that they don’t want it anymore, because there’s this really great tiddly winks hut that just opened up across town….” *pause* “Aw, screw it. Why don’t we just kill them?”

Sephiroth: “If we were allowed to, don’t you think everyone would have a long, long time ago?”

Twilight: “Hey, normally I would just fly off planet to escape trouble. Why don’t you think of something?”

Sephiroth: “Cause *I* can’t do it, you do. So you might as well think of something.”

Twilight: “Oh! Tell them they’re building a Chuck E. Cheese next door! No one wants to live next to that.”

Sephiroth: *thinks* “No….wait. I have a better idea. How do you feel about doing a little dress up?”

Twilight: “Not good. What kind of dress up?”

Sephiroth: “You know…..those happy things at the circus with the curly wigs and the red noses…”

Twilight: “A clown?”

Sephiroth: *shudders* “Yes.”

Twilight: “Why the hell do you want to dress up as a clown? You’re weird…”

Sephiroth: “You see, my fa–er, I mean Hojo, is terrified of clowns. Just tell him your circus is moving next door to the ramble room and he’ll call the whole thing off faster than Cloud on haste.”

Twilight: “Who on what? Never mind. All right, but we better be quick because I don’t want anyone to see me.”

(later….twilight turns a crappy cartwheel into the room where hojo etc. are. he’s dressed as a clown, make-up, wig and all)

Twilight: “Hey hey everyone! I’m Cuddles the clown!”

Hojo: “AHHH!!!” *hides*

Nida: “You look familiar….”

Twilight: “Uh….I’m also the spokesperson for the Bait n’ Tackle hut. Hey, hey, hey! Who wants a hug? Hojo?”

Hojo: *sobbing* “Nooooo!! How do you know my name?”

Twilight: “All clowns know you, Hojo! And we’re going to be neighbors soon! Me and my troop of happy go lucky, mad giggling clowns are moving next door to the ramble room!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Clowns are funny!”

Hojo: “NOOOOOOO! No, no, no, no, no!”

Nida: “Come on, Hojo! We’re gonna move in there!”

Hojo: *shakes head* “Oh no. Not when the clowns are there! Forget it.”

Nida: “Damn! You and your stupid phobia’s! This is the second time you’ve screwed up our plans because of dumbass clowns!”

Hojo: “I wouldn’t talk! You’re deathly afraid of spiders!”

Nida: *screams like a girl and jumps on a chair* “Did you see one?! Where? Where?!”

Scarlet: “I hate you guys! All you do is screw up!”

Nida: “Shut up, whore.”

Scarlet: “You shut up, moron!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “Shut the hell up, Heidegger!

(all 4 of them start to fight like crazy. Twilight’s stuck standing there)

Twilight: “Um, well, I’ve got to go unpack…weirdos, but I’ll see you all later, neighbors! Hey hey hey!” *leaves*

(later, in the ramble room…)

Reno: “That sure was close.”

Rufus: “Tell me about it.”

Reeve: *chuckles* “Heh heh….Rufy.”

Rufus: *pushes him* “Hey, shut up!”

(there’s a banging noise from the closet.)

Sephiroth’s voice: “Hey! Can you let me and Twilight out now? It’s kinda cramped in here!”

Reno: *playing with the masamune* “Nah. Lark’s still pretty pissed. Besides, it hasn’t been an hour yet.”

Rufus: *turns on twilight’s lightsaber* “Ooh….this thing’s cool!”

Twilight: “Yeah, too bad Lark’s mystical, magical, mysterious energy force she made with her mistress powers is locking us in here. Because otherwise, either of us characters could easily escape this lame situation.” *cough cough*

Reno: *bangs on the door with his night stick* “Quiet down in there!”

(car horn from outside)

Rufus: “What the….??”

Elena: *runs in, outta breath* “Hey, guys! Guess what? Know how Tseng made all that money when he sold his stock?”

Guys: “Yeah….”

Elena: “Well he used the money to buy himself a limo!” *she runs out*

Guys: “A LIMO!”

Reno: “I get shot gun!”

(they run out)

Sephiroth: “Hello?” *no answer* “Guys? This isn’t funny!!”


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