#13 – When The Webmistress Is Away, The Psychos Will Play

Sephiroth: “We slaved for hours! It was literally a sweat shop! Irvine had a gun!”

Originally Published: 7/10/00 . 8 pages

With the girls away, the boys decide to try their hand at some poetry for them.

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

There is really nothing good about this ramble aside from the quote on this page. The story isn’t particuarly good or funny. At least the ending works, so it’s not a total loss.

(Sephiroth, Rufus, Irvine, Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Reno and Rude all enter the room, smiling)

Reno: “Lark and Shell are on vacation….heh heh….you know what that means….”

Zell: “What?”

Reno: *gives him a look*

Rufus: *takes something off the door* “What’s this?”

Sephiroth: *snatches it* “It’s a note from Lark.”

Irvine: “Well, what does it say?”

Sephiroth: *reads* “Dear Final Fantasy people. As you know, Shell and I went to Florida. Katie and Noelle went too. That means you guys are basically on your own. There are a few things you should know. Number One. Sephiroth, if you kill anyone, you’re in *BIG* trouble when I get back.” *frowns*

Rufus: *laughs* “Ha ha! There goes all your plans!”

Sephiroth: *continues* “Number Two. Don’t let anything bad happen to Red while I’m gone.”

Reno: *shrugs* “What did we ever do to him?”

Sephiroth: *keeps reading* “Number Three. No huge parties while I’m gone–that means you, Reno.”

Reno: *snaps fingers* “Dammit!”

Sephiroth: *still reading* “Since I’m gone, I’m going to make…..Squall the new leader?!?” *glares at squall*

Rinoa: *hugs squall* “Isn’t it great, Squall! You’re leader again!”

Squall: *hand to his head* “I hate being the leader.”

Sephiroth: *reads* “Ok, well that’s about it. Have fun, but don’t do anything I wouldn’t want you to do–Reno.”

Reno: “Why does she keep singling me out??”

Sephiroth: *reads* “Oh, and by the way, if you update the page in even the slightest way, I’ll turn the whole site into a Gundam Wing site.”

Rufus: *pales* “She wouldn’t.”

Sephiroth: *reads* “So don’t touch anything! Ok, I’ll see you all when I get back! Love, Lark. P.S Noelle says that Reno better not drink all the beer or else.”

Reno: *slumping down on the couch* “Damn! I can’t have *any* fun.”

Rufus: *eyes something on the table and picks it up* “Oh look, it’s a note from Ashley.” *reads* “Hi guys. Since everyone else is gone, I decided to go and hang out with the Gundam Wing boys for the week. I’ll see you when Lark and everyone else gets back. Love, Ashley.”

Zell: “Stupid Gundam Wing boys!”

Reno: “They suck.”

Irvine: “So….whatcha y’all wanna do?”

Sephiroth: *mumbles* “Kill something.”

Rufus: *points and laughs* “Ha ha! You can’t!”

Sephiroth: *grabs the masamune* “She never said I couldn’t ‘seriously injure’.”

Rufus: *pales* “Never mind….”

Zell: “Come on, Squall! You’re our leader! Think of something!”

Rinoa: “Yeah, Squall!”

Squall: “…….I dunno.”


Rufus: “She should have left *me* as the leader.”

Reno: “Yeah right. I should have been leader.”

Rude: *laughs to himself*

Reno: *glares at rude* “Hey! What the hell’s so funny?!?”

Rude: “…Nothing.”

Zell: “Hey, I know!”

Squall: *mutters* “Oh no….”

Zell: “Let’s surprise Lark when she gets back!

Irvine: “How?”

Zell: “Uh…..I dunno.”

Sephiroth: “Well, you’re good for a lot….moron.”

Zell: “Hey!” *thinks* “I know! I’ll write her a poem!”

Rufus, Irvine, Sephiroth and Reno: *try not to laugh*

Zell: “Hey! What are you all laughing at!? I bet I could write her a poem! A nice one too, right, Squall?”

Squall: *rolls eyes* “Whatever.”

Rinoa: *hits squall* “Squall! You should be more supportive!” *smiles at zell* “I think it’s a great idea, Zell. Girls really love poetry.”

All guys: “They do?!”

Rinoa: *nods* “Sure. It shows a girl you have true feelings for her.” *looks at all the guys and smiles* “I’ll take this as my cue to leave.” *she does*

Squall: *scrambles for paper* “I’ve gotta write Rinoa a poem!”

Reno: “I’ve gotta write one for Noelle!”

Rufus, Sephiroth and Zell: “I’m gonna write one for Lark!” *they all glare at each other*

Rude: “Hmmm….Shell….”

Zell: “I said I was going to write one first!”

Sephiroth: “Well I’ll write one that’s better!”

Rufus: “Oh please! What the hell are you gonna write? About how you are the planet?” *laughs*

Sephiroth: *fist in rufus’ face* “How about I write about how I killed you?”

Rufus: *gulp*

Irvine: “Sephiroth! No killing!”

Reno: “Who are you going to write a poem for, Irvine?”

Irvine: *shrugs* “I don’t need to write a poem. The girls know how I feel about them.”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Stupid cowboy pimp.”

Irvine: “I heard that!”

Zell: “Come on! Let’s get working! We don’t know when they’re going to be back!”

(later…the guys have been joined by seifer, who’s writing one for Ashley. they’re all busily writing away, and irvine’s walking around, surveying the work)

Irvine: *looks at zell’s work, and shakes his head* “This is no good, Zell!”

Rufus: *looks over* “Heh heh.”

Zell: *pouts* “What should I do? I’m no good at this after all!”

Sephiroth: “Told you!”

Zell: “Shut up!”

Irvine: *thinks* “Hmmm…maybe you should write a name poem.”

Zell: “A what what?”

Irvine: “A name poem. You write down your name and then for each letter, you put an adjective that describes yourself. Like if I was doing on, I would write irresistible for the letter ‘i’ in my name.”

Sephiroth: “I thought they were supposed to actually describe you.” *laughs*

Irvine: *ignores him* “It’s really easy.”

Sephiroth: “I bet he still can’t handle it!”

Zell: *gets up* “You wanna take this outside?!”

Irvine: *sighs* “Sephiroth, what was Lark’s first rule?”

Everyone but Zell and Sephy: “No killing!”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “What are you, the teacher?”

Seifer: “There’s nothing to this poetry stuff.”

Irvine: *looks over at seifer’s poem and shakes his head*

Seifer: “What? What’s wrong with it?”

Irvine: *shrugs* “Nothing.”

Seifer: “You’re lying! What’s wrong with it?”

Irvine: “Nothing!”

Seifer: *gets up* “You’re lying, you stupid cowboy! I’ll kill you, Irvine!”

Zell: “Shush! I’m trying to work!”

Seifer: “Shut up, chicken wuss!”

Irvine: *shoots his gun in the air and shuts everyone up* “Okay! Back to work!”

Sephiroth: *mumbles* “Now I just feel like I’m in a sweat shop.”

Irvine: “Don’t make me come over there!”

(it’s later. all the boys are asleep on the table, tired out after writing their poems. Irvine is asleep against the wall. lark, shell, Noelle and Ashley enter, carrying suitcases. rinoa is with them.)

Lark: “Hey, guys! I’m back!”

Irvine: *jerks awake, grabs his gun and shoots up at the ceiling* “I’ll kill it don’t–huh?” *looks up* “Oh, hiya ladies.”

Ashley: *looks at the sleeping guys* “What happened here?”

Lark: “I’ll wake them up.” *takes a deep breath. everyone covers their ears* “HEY YOU GUYS! I’M BACK! YOU CAN WAKE UP NOW!”

(all the guys jump to their feet, and half of them draw weapons of some sort)

Sephiroth: *waving the masamune around wildly* “I’ll kill it! I have to kill something…!!”

Lark: “Sephiroth! Hello! I’m back!”

Sephiroth: “Lark!” *grabs his poem off the table* “Look what I wrote for you!”

Zell and Rufus: “Hey!” *they go for their poems*

(all the guys get their poems and give them to the girls, and they read them)

Noelle: “Reno….you wrote poetry?”

Reno: *nods eagerly*

Noelle: “Wow.” *faints*

Reno: *kneels next to her* “Noelle?”

Ashley: “Aw, Seifer! This is so sweet!” *voice gets dark* “*Duo* never wrote me a poem.”

Seifer: “That’s cause he sucks.”

Ashley: “Hey! Don’t say that about my Duo!”

Seifer: “Huh?” *sweat drops* “Uh….I didn’t say nothin’!” *points to zell* “He did.”‘

Zell: “What?”

Shell: “Wow…Rude…this is…amazing! I didn’t know you could write like this!”

Rude: *shrugs*

Shell: *kisses him on the cheek* “Aw!”

Rude: *blushes*

Rinoa: “Oh, Squall! This is the nicest thing you have ever done for me!”

Squall: “I’m glad you like it.”

Rinoa: “I love it!” *kisses Squall*

Sephiroth, Rufus and Zell: *all shoving their poems in lark’s face* “Read mine, read mine, read mine, read mine, read mine!!!”

Lark: *backs up* “Whoa! Ok, ok! I’ll read them all, and *then* I’ll comment on them, okay?” *takes the poems and reads them* “Wow. You guys did a nice job.”

Rufus: “A nice job?!”

Sephiroth: “We slaved for hours! It was literally a sweat shop! Irvine had a gun!”

Zell: “He always has a gun.”

Sephiroth: *glares at zell* “SHUT UP!”

Lark: “You guys, I really appreciate it, but I’m not really a poem type of girl.”

Zell, Sephiroth and Rufus: “You’re not?!”

Lark: “No…I’m more of the song type.”

Zell, Sephiroth and Rufus: “Hmmmmm…..”


(Sephiroth sits in the room by himself with a guitar, trying to play something. then zell comes wandering in playing his saxophone, and finally, here comes rufus with a clarinet. they all stop and glare at each other.)

Zell, Sephiroth and Rufus: “You @#$%#@@#*^@*$^@(&%^%*@^!!!”

Lark: *peeks in* “Oh dear…..I should have kept my big mouth shut….”


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