Lark: “Uh…..is that the masamune or are you just happy to see me?”
Originally Published: 6/26/00 . 8 pages
Synopsis
Lark isn’t too happy with the sky high phone bill. She’s determined to find out who’s been racking up all the charges – and Sephiroth’s been enlisted to help.
Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.
There’s nothing really horrible in this ramble – it works for what it is: a short one note story. This is one of those rambles that is pretty cartoonish in nature – but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
(Sephiroth is the only one in the room. He’s got the masamune out and is sword fighting facing the mirror and humming “At the Copa (Copacabana)”. Lark enters, a piece of paper in hand, looking upset. Sephiroth stops so abruptly that the masamune goes flying out of his hand and gets stuck in the opposite wall)
Sephiroth: *sweat drops* “Heh heh….hey, Lark.”
Lark: *hasn’t noticed* “Who is making at these @#$% ^?&+= *$#? phone calls?!”
Sephiroth: “*Still* with the phone bill?”
Lark: “It’s 6,000 Gil!!”
Sephiroth: *jaw drops* “Whoa.”
Lark: “Do they think I’m made of money?!” *stops and puts a hand to her head* “Oh no….I’m starting to sound like my mother!” *looks worried*
Sephiroth: *pulling the masamune out of the wall* “I’ll kill the mooches for you!”
Lark: “But I don’t know who it is exactly.”
Sephiroth: “Then I’ll kill everyone. It’s the fool proof way to get the job done. I’ll start with Rufus.” *starts for the door, but lark grabs his arm*
Lark: “How crazy are you? You think I’m going to let you kill all my friends over a phone bill?”
Sephiroth: *shrugs* “So I’ll start with Hojo.”
Lark: “No killing. We’ll have to find out who’s been making the calls and have them pay.”
Sephiroth: *pouts* “Fine. Do it the hard way.”
Lark: “I know exactly how to do it too!”
Sephiroth: “Set up a video camera pointed at the phone?”
Lark: *gives him a look* “Sephiroth, do you honestly think I have the money for a video camera?”
Sephiroth: *sighs* “Obviously not.”
Lark: *points across the room at a pantry closet next to the phone* “We’ll hide in there! That way we can hear who’s making the calls!”
Sephiroth: *looks where she’s pointing and swallows* “You want the two of us to go into that tiny closet for a whole day?”
Lark: “Hey, can you think of a better way? We can drill some air holes….”
Sephiroth: “After you get the money, can I kill someone?”
Lark: “No!”
Sephiroth: *snaps his fingers* “Dammit!”
(the next morning lark and sephiroth stand in front of the closet.)
Lark: *pointing proudly at the door* “Look, I drilled air holes!”
Sephiroth: “You want a prize?”
Lark: *glares at him* “Let’s just get in and get this over with.”
(they get in and close the door.)
Sephiroth: *coughs fakely*
Lark: “Uh…..is that the masamune or are you just happy to see me?”
Sephiroth: “Stay over on that side, woman!”
Lark: *mumbles* “Fine with me.”
(sound of a door opening)
Sephiroth: *whispers* “Heh heh….the first victim.”
Lark: “Shush!” *presses ear against the door*
Laguna’s voice: “Hello? Hey hey! It’s me, the President of Esthar–your president!”
Lark: *softly, in shock* “It’s Laguna!”
Sephiroth: *softly and dryly* “Well duh.”
Laguna’s voice: “Hey, have the bowling lanes been installed in the palace yet?……Kiros says Ward says he really wants to play…..next week?……Okay, I’ll call again later. Bye bye!”
(sounds of him leaving.)
Lark: “Ah ha! So Laguna’s been calling Esthar!”
Sephiroth: “Thank you, Nancy Drew.”
Lark: “Shut up!” *sounds of someone coming* “Shush!”
Lizzie’s voice: *muttering to herself as she dials* “1-900-S-E-P-H-Y-R-O-X.”
Lark: *quietly* “She’s calling the Sephiroth fan club number! That’s $3.50 a minute!”
Sephiroth: *mutters* “They should charge more than that.”
(Lizzie’s on the phone for a good ten minutes. she doesn’t say much, but she occasionally laughs. then she’s gone)
Lark: “I can’t believe she calls the fan club! You’re right here all the time!”
Sephiroth: “Not when she’s around.”
(someone else comes)
Ashley’s voice: “Hello?…..Ugh, Hi, Wufei. Is Duo there?……Shut up! You suck! Just put him on……geez, what a jerk.”
Lark: *whispers* “She’s calling Duo?!”
Ashley’s voice: “Duo? Hi, babe……I know, no one likes him here either…..so when are you guys coming back?…….oh, good……no, I can’t do that…..No, Sephiroth is Lark’s henchman, and I think she kind of needs to keep him around……no, I don’t know why….” *laughs* “…..no, she’s not crazy.”
Sephiroth: “Grrrrrrr….”
Ashley’s voice: “I’ve gotta go, but I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?……love you too, bye, babe.” *she leaves*
Lark: “She calls Duo every day!”
Sephiroth: *mutters* “Stupid little boy. I’ll show him.”
(sounds of someone coming)
Quistis’ voice: “Hi, Cid? This is Quistis…..What?….Someone stole your desk?…..eh heh….that’s…heh…terrible……yeah……don’t worry, I’ll be back soon….I have some stuff to take care of……all right, I will. Bye.” *she leaves*
Lark: “She’s calling Garden?”
Sephiroth: “I still can’t believe that stupid Gundam Wing boy was talking about me.”
(someone else comes in)
Rufus’ voice: “Hello? Shinra Headquarters?…..Yes, this is President Rufus….”
Sephiroth: *whispers urgently* “See! I told you he was bad! Let me kill him!”
Lark: *whispers* “No! Rufus has been paying for these phone calls. He can do whatever the hell he wants.”
Sephiroth: *pouts* “Jerk.”
Rufus’ voice: “Is Reeve there…..No? Okay, is Tseng there?……No?! Fine, are *any* of the Turks there?…..NO?!? What the—Well, did they at least say where they were going?…..NO?!?!?” *sighs* “Fine. Thanks anyway.” *leaves muttering nasty things*
Sephiroth: “Last chance to have Rufus eliminated.”
Lark: “How many times do I have to tell you no?”
(several hours later. there hasn’t been anyone since rufus and they’re bored)
Sephiroth: “Can we leave now?”
Lark: “No! As soon as we do, someone will come and we’ll miss it.”
(sounds of a few people coming. lark and sephy listen intently)
Zell’s voice: “Where the hell is Lark? It’s not like her to not show up at all.”
Irvine’s voice: *disgusted* “I hope she didn’t go visit those Gundam Wing boys instead.”
Seifer’s voice: “I hate those dumb kids. I hope Ashley didn’t go too.”
Squall’s voice: “Whatever.”
Irvine’s voice: “Shut up, Squall. Just wait till Rinoa falls for one of them. They’re like a disease.”
Squall’s voice: “……no way. Not Rinoa.”
(the sounds of more people entering)
Rufus’ voice: “Don’t run off without letting me know!”
Reeve’s voice: “Rufus, you’re not our father.”
Rufus’ voice: “I’m your *boss*. That’s worse.”
Zell’s voice: “Have you guys seen Lark?”
Rufus’ voice: “I can’t find anyone today.”
(the phone rings)
Zell’s voice: “I’ll get it!….Hello?…..A collect call? Sure, I’ll accept.”
Lark: “NO!” *realizing she spoke out loud she claps a hand over her mouth*
Seifer’s voice: “Did you hear something?”
Zell’s voice: “Oh, hi, Reno.”
Rufus’ voice: “That’s Reno? Where the hell is he?”
Zell’s voice: “Rufus wants to know where you are……oh, I’ll tell him. He and Noelle went clubbing.”
Rufus’ voice: “Clubbing? In the middle of the afternoon?”
Zell’s voice: “Huh? What’s that, Reno?”
Lark: “Get off the phone, Zell! Figures Reno calls collect!”
Sephiroth: “I’m going out there.”
Lark: *grabs his arm* “No!”
Sephiroth: *struggles* “Yes!”
Lark: *pulls on him* “Come on, Sephiroth!”
(the guys outside watch the closet in shock, even zell, who’s still on the phone)
Zell: “What’s with all the banging?”
Sephiroth’s voice: *struggling to free himself and open the door* “LARK!!!”
Lark’s voice: *as sephy rips her tank top strap in the process* “SEPHIROTH!!”
(the door flies open and the pair comes tumbling out of the closet. all the guys simply stare.)
Rufus: “Lark?”
Reeve: “Sephiroth?”
Irvine: “What the hell were you two doing in the closet? Or don’t I wanna know.”
Sephiroth: *mumbles* “I wish.”
Lark: “Huh? We were spying to see who’s been racking up the phone bill! It’s 6,000 Gil this month!”
Reno’s voice: *over the phone line* “Hello? Zell?”
Zell: *holding out the phone* “He called here, I swear!”
Squall: “Yeah, collect.”
Zell: “Squall!”
Lark: *grabs the phone* “Reno! Don’t call collect here ever again! When you come back you owe me money!”
Reno’s voice: “What! Oh, come on!”
Lark: “Don’t ‘oh come on me’! If you don’t pay me, I’ll have Rufus give me your next paycheck! And I’m hanging up now!”
Reno’s voice: “Wait—“
Lark: *hangs up and looks at the guys* “Anyone else wanna try calling collect?”
(they all firmly shake their heads no)
Lark: “Good. Now who wants to help me pay the phone bill?”
(they all look away)
Sephiroth: “I don’t have any money.”
Irvine: “I’m no SeeD. I don’t get paid.”
Zell: “Squall takes all my money.”
Reeve: “I haven’t gotten paid this week.” *glares at rufus*
Rufus: “I always pay.”
Lark: “Come on, Squall, you get paid every 5 minutes!”
Squall: *sighs* “Fine.” *hands over 6,000 Gil*
Lark: “Yeah!!” *kisses squall on the cheek*
Squall: “Whatever.”
Sephiroth: “Grrrrrr…..”
Lizzie: *comes in* “Hey, Lark, this came for you in the mail.” *hands over a letter and leaves*
Lark: “Ooh! Mail!” *opens it happily, but her expression suddenly becomes very unhappy*
(rufus gives everyone the ‘let’s get the hell outta here motion’ and they all sneak towards the door)
Lark: “Look at this electric bill! 3,000 Gil! Don’t you know you’re supposed to shut off the lights when you leave the room! Who wants to pay for this!” *looks around, but all the guys are gone* “Guys? Where’d you go? Who’s gonna pay the bills? Guys? GUYS!?!?”
THE END
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