The Ramble Movie (part two)

Sephiroth: “…I’m usually the enemy.”

Can the ramble gang fight back when a powerful evil threatens to destroy everything they love?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

Let’s talk that other favorite character – Atsuma from Enchanted Arms. It’s a little known game that was recommended by a friend, and when I first laid my eyes on it I knew the game was insane. And I needed to play it. Atsuma is the main character, and he is dumb as a brick. Crazy Pizza man is the strangest of the strange golems in the game. Moving to the villains I chose to mess with everybody – Ganon was a no brainer, I’m a fan of the Ape Escape series so Specter seemed like a non conventional choice. As for L Block… It had just been listed as a character in Gamefaqs’ character battle which annoyed me because…it’s a block. So I decided if it’s a character, why not make it insanely evil?

(everyone rushes back to the ramble room to begin to find out more information about Ganon. everyone is still dressed in their wedding clothes.)

Zack: *pacing* “Ganon…Ganon…why does that sound so familiar?”

Reeve: *on a laptop* “I’m trying to search, but the internet just isn’t working!”

Tseng: “How can that be?”

Reeve: “I don’t understand! It’s like the whole network is down! It was fine this morning!”

Setzer: “That name does sound familiar…”

Richter: “What is the hold up here? We need to get out there and find my son!”

Juste: “You can’t just rush out there without direction! Know thy enemy!”

Richter: “But this is my son! There’s no time to waste!”

(dante rushes in looking frantic)

Dante: “You all *are* here! I was trying to call from the hospital, but the call wouldn’t go through!”

Rufus: “What?! I paid that bill!” *goes to the phone picks it up listens and pales* “…There’s no dial tone…”

Reeve: “What?!”

Tseng: “No internet? No phone? What is going on here?”

Reeve: *pales* “This is bad. This is very bad.”

Reno: *checking* “No cell phone reception either.”

Reeve: “All our communication has been cut off!”

Zack and Setzer: “Zelda!”

Richter: “How’s Franswa?”

Edgar: “What about Zelda?”

Dante: “He’ll recover.”

Setzer: “Zelda’s mentioned the name Ganon before. I knew that name was familiar!”

Richter: “Who is this Zelda?”

Edgar: “Our surrogate. She’s a princess from another world.”

Zack: “She’s the one who brought Link in to our center.”

Tifa: “We need to go talk to her! Right now!”

Edgar: “We’ll take the limo.”

(he, setzer, zack, richter and tifa rush out. sephiroth, who has been quietly listening all this time, goes to follow.)

Vincent: “Where are you going, angel?”

Sephiroth: “Are you kidding? This is serious, Vincent. I need to learn everything I can about that guy.”

(he leaves. auron comes over to vincent.)

Auron: “I’ve never seen him so quiet, or so serious.”

Vincent: “Now that Lark is gone, I think Sephiroth believes it is his job to protect everyone.”

Rufus: “Well he is right about one thing! This is extremely serious! What does he want with Duke? Who knows if the rest of our children are safe!”

Reeve: *shakes laptop* “It’s no use! We’re totally cut off!”

Cloud: “They must really want us to leave.”

Squall: “Whatever. We’re not going anywhere.”

Zidane: “Damn right we’re not! We’ve gotta get Duke back! And then we’ve gotta get that weirdo out of our home!”

Everyone: “……………”

Zidane: *blink blink* “…What? Did I say something stupid?”

Vincent: “No, Zidane. It’s just… I think we all realize what a daunting task that will be.”


(meanwhile, at the hospital, zell is pacing outside franswa’s room when doc emerges)

Zell: *eagerly* “Is he awake yet?”

Doc: “Yup. He’s doing okay. You can see him if you want.”

Zell: “Of course!”

(so doc lets him in. he rushes to franswa’s side. He’s just lying there stiffly, gazing out the window)

Zell: “Hey, buddy! How ya doin’?”

Franswa: “Have they found Duke yet?”

Zell: “Uh, no… I don’t think so. But I haven’t really left the hospital yet.”

Franswa: “What?! Why not?!”

Zell: “Why not? Because you’re really hurt! I had to make sure you were okay! And then I wanted to stay here and keep you company and stuff. Hospitals stink.”

Franswa: “Well I’m fine. But Duke isn’t. Don’t waste your time with a nothing like me. Go help my father find Duke.”

Zell: “Franswa, don’t–“

Franswa: “Go away, Zell! I don’t want you here!”

(and he turns away. Zell looks stunned. He backs toward the door.)

Zell:*softly* “…Okay, Franswa. If that’s what you really want.”

Franswa: “………”

Zell: “…Call me. If you need anything.”

(and with that he leaves sadly.)


(meanwhile, zack, setzer, edgar, tifa, richter and sephiroth arrive at zelda’s house. Richter pounds on the door frantically.)

Richter: “Please be home!”

(finally the door opens. Zelda looks a bit shocked to see all these people suddenly on her doorstep.)

Zelda: “Oh…hello, everyone.”

Edgar: “Zelda, I am very sorry to suddenly intrude on you like this, but we have a very urgent matter–“

Tifa: “Ganon took my son!”

Zelda: *eyes go wide* “Ganon? Did you say GANON?”

Setzer: “I remembered you mentioning that name before and–“

Zelda: *stepping aside* “Of course. Please come in.”

(they do. Zelda leads them to the living room and they all sit down.)

Richter: “Where can we find him?”

Zelda: “Oh gosh… I don’t know… I don’t even know how he got here.”

Sephiroth: “What do you mean?”

Zelda: “Oh, he was sealed away in our home world. We asked her to, and she was more than happy to do it.”

Zack: “Who sealed him?”

Zelda: “That outsider girl. I’m afraid I’ve forgotten her name…”

Sephiroth: “Lark?”

Zelda: “Yes! That was it. Lark. Very nice girl. How is she?”

Setzer: “She went back to the real world some time ago. Permanently.”

Zelda: *pales* “Oh… That explains it then.”

Richter: “Explains what? I need to know what is going on here! Who is this Ganon, why is he here, and where can I find him? My son’s life may be at stake!”

Zelda: “I’m sorry. I’ll be happy to tell you all that I know, Mr…?”

Richter: “Belmont. Richter Belmont. This is my fiancé, Tifa, and the other gentleman you see there is Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “I know a lot of villains, but I’ve never heard of this Ganon.”

Zelda: “Well, since he was sealed you wouldn’t have. Ganon is terrible–pure evil. That’s why we asked Lark to use her power and seal him.”

Sephiroth: “What power?”

Zelda: “Well, it was her imagination that essentially created this place. So she was able to keep certain people out of it. It wasn’t easy, but I believe she sealed three in all. Ganon was one of the three.”

Tifa: “Three? Who are the other two?”

Zelda: “I’m afraid I don’t know.”

Edgar: “How did this seal work exactly?”

Zelda: “Well, it’s hard to explain, really. But she had to go to the boundaries between our worlds and use her mind to create a barrier against him. In this dimension, human imagination is a powerful force.”

Setzer: “Then how could it break?”

Zelda: “Once she left this place for such a long period of time, the enhancement probably wore off. There was a fail safe, but I suppose that didn’t work.”

Richter: “What do you mean?”

Zelda: “Even if the enchantment wore off, the only way he could get in is if someone opened the door for him.”

Richter: “So someone let this monster in?”

Zelda: “I’m afraid so.”

Edgar: “He said he planned to take over everything.”

Zelda: “Yes, that’s what Ganon does. He is possessed by greed. The Triforce of power has transformed him into an ultra powerful and invincible monster.”

Edgar: “Triforce?”

Zelda: “A sacred relic representing the essence of the Golden Goddesses. It consists of three parts: Wisdom, Courage and Power.” *frowns* “No doubt he’ll be seeking the other pieces–“

Richter: “But what of my son?! Where could he have taken him?”

Zelda: “Now that he has access to so many worlds…he could have taken him anywhere. But I wouldn’t worry for your son’s life. Ganon would have only taken him if he needed him alive for something.”

Tifa: “Zelda…I couldn’t help but notice you used the world ‘invincible’ when describing him.”

Zelda: “Oh…yes…”

Richter: “Invincible!? You mean he is impossible to defeat?”

Zelda: “Difficult, yes. Impossible, no. Ganon can be stopped with the silver arrows or the Master Sword.”

Richter: “Very well, then! Allow me to use these weapons and I will defeat him!”

Zelda: “I’m afraid it’s not that simple. There is only one man able to wield those weapons, and I’m sad to say he’s not exactly of sound mind…” *looks at zack*

Zack: “Omg… Link.”

Zelda: “Even if you could get Link to overpower Ganon, that won’t stop him forever. He’d have to be sealed away again, and it would take the power of more than one human to seal him away forever.”

Sephiroth: “But we can’t seal him away! Lark and the other girls can’t come back!”

Zelda: “Then I’m afraid we are all in for very big trouble.”


(back in the real world, lark suddenly wakes up, her heart pounding. She sits up in bed, a hand to her chest, breathing heavily. Brady looks up at her sleepily)

Brady: “What’s wrong?”

Lark: “I don’t know… I just had this feeling…like something really bad happened.”

Brady: “Everything’s fine. It was just a dream.”

(she kind of nods, and after a moment lies back down again)

Lark: “Yeah… Just a dream…”


(back at the ramble room, argath walks in to find the place in utter chaos. He looks around confused, but then locates algus sitting on the couch idly flipping through the newspaper. He goes over to him)

Argath: “What is going on here? You told me you were attending a wedding.”

Algus: “I was. Unfortunately a horrible beast appeared and stole the couple’s child. Everything was called off while they try and locate him.”

Argath: “Pity. All that money down the drain.”

Algus: “What are you doing here?”

Argath: “I heard a commotion from the hallway and came to see what all the noise was about. Since you’re not doing anything now, how about we go back to Uncle’s will? We still have quite a bit more to sort out.”

Algus: *stands up* “Quite a bit? We have *everything*. All you did yesterday was yell about how you deserve everything!”

Argath: “You did the same!”

Both: *glare*

Argath: “Well, shall we get to it, then?”

Algus: “Yes, I suppose. Have your slave brew up a pot of coffee.”

Argath: “Where is yours?”

Algus: “Off cleaning the bottoms of my shoes. Did you ever realize just how much disgusting mess gets stuck to the bottom of them?”

Argath: “Ugh, I know. Peasants are disgusting.”

(they leave the room. Moments later edgar, setzer, sephiroth, zack, tifa and richter return)

Juste: “Son! You’re back! What did you find out??”

Richter: “We’re doomed! Doomed, father! That’s what I found out!”

Juste: “What do you mean doomed?”

Sephiroth: “This Ganon guy is a real monster. Lark had him sealed away in his home world but someone let him out. Now he could be anywhere, and the only way to get rid of him is to find him, get some brain dead idiot to whack him with a sword, and have Lark seal him away again.”

Irvine: “But Lark’s gone!”

Sephiroth: “Thank you, cowboy geek! Because I didn’t know that!”

Vincent: “Angel, calm down. Let’s not fight over this.”

Tifa: “Even if we can’t contain him, we still have to work on getting Duke back.”

Richter: “But if we can’t stop this Ganon, he’ll keep coming after him!”

Rufus: “Maybe there’s some way to contact Lark and get her back here.”

Sephiroth: “That’s impossible, Rufus! If it wasn’t, she’d still be here!”

Rufus: “There has to be something we overlooked! What about the internet?”

Sephiroth: *extreme sarcasm* “Oh yeah, the internet! Because no one ever thinks of that!”

Reeve: “We’re not able to contact them through the internet, Rufus. Our networks don’t sync up.” *eyes widen* “Unless…”

Sephiroth: “Unless? Unless what?”

Reeve: “We have a Playstation 3, don’t we?”

Rufus: “Sure we do! I bought it for the Blu-Ray player!”

Irvine: “It has internet! I’ve used it to search for porn!”

Rufus: “Nice.”

Reeve: “Exactly! But it’s a different network than the one we usually use. All PS3’s connect to the same network, no matter what.”

Sephiroth: “That idiot Brady has a PS3! He used to babble on about how great it was all the time!”

Reeve: “Exactly! So we can connect using that!”

Tseng: “But wait, Reeve. I thought the internet was down. Don’t you have to have that to connect to the Playstation network?”

Reeve: “Yes, Tseng, but as I was staring at my computer before, a thought came to me. Of someone who is extremely into computers…computers he needs to have up and running all the time…”

Seifer: “Bill Gates?”

Reeve: “…No. Hojo. Because of his porn sites.”

Tseng: “Hojo! Of course! I thought I’d never be able to forget that weirdo!” *pause* “Maybe I finally was… Dammit.”

Squall: “But he’s in jail. Won’t his sites be down?”

Tseng: “No! Kuja’s been living off the money from the websites! They’re still up!”

Reeve: “And I bet Hojo has a highly encrypted private network, one even the police couldn’t get into. That’s why it took so long to catch him.”

Tseng: “May he rot in jail.”

Tifa: “Well what are we waiting for? To loser land!”


(so everyone runs over to loser land. And they knock. And knock. And knock.)

Sephiroth: “Oh, hell! Break the door down!”

(and before anyone can really answer him, he rams his shoulder into the door and it falls in. there is a scream from the other side as seymour, just wearing a towel, jumps up from the couch, dropping a magazine in the process)

Seymour: “Robbed! Robbed! We’re being robbed!”

Nida’s voice: *from another room* “No we’re not! Heidegger’s farts sound like that!”

Heidegger: “They do! Gya haa haa!”

Sephiroth: “Calm down! We’re not here to rob you.”

Seymour: “Then why did you break down the door?”

Seifer: “No one was answering!”

Seymour: “Well maybe you should knock a little louder!”

Sephiroth: “There were ten of us banging on it!”

(kuja, nida, scarlet and heidegger come to see what all the commotion is about)

Nida: “Hey! You can’t just come in here and break down our door! This is private property!”

Rufus: “Yeah, and I own it!”

Reeve: “Look, it’s going to take too long to explain right now but we need to access Hojo’s network.”

Kuja: “Um…I thought you all knew, but Hojo’s in jail.”

Reeve: “We know *that*! We don’t need him, just his network.”

Scarlet: “You want porn that badly?”

Tseng: “No! Look–“

Sephiroth: “We don’t have time for this! Reeve, you and I will go to the lab. Everybody else, stay here and explain.”

(before anyone can protest, reeve and sephiroth follow kuja to the lab. It’s still a mess in there, and sure enough all the computers are running. Reeve sits down and starts typing stuff)

Kuja: “You’re going to wanna wash your hands after touching that keyboard. Trust me.”

Reeve: *grimaces* “Thanks for the heads up.”

Sephiroth: “So even if we do somehow contact them with the PS3, they still won’t be able to get here.”

Reeve: “At least it’s a start.” *types more stuff* “Okay, just as I thought. We need a password to get in.”

Sephiroth: “Try I’m-a-disgusting-perverted-old-creep.”

Reeve: “Um…I don’t think that’s it.” *to kuja* “Do you know it?”

Kuja: “All I know is the password to his Paypal account. That’s where all the money from the websites go. It’s Kuja-hotness. I made it up for him.”

Reeve: *tries it* “Nope. That’s not it. We’ll have to call him.”

Sephiroth: “You can’t! The phone lines are down!”

Reeve: “Damn, I forgot. What now?”

Kuja: “You can always go visit him. He’d love it. He’s always trying to get us to visit, but I simply do not have the time. The Style Network is on 21 hours a day, you know.”

Reeve: *looks at sephiroth* “I guess we don’t have a choice.”

Sephiroth: “I helped put him in prison! I can’t go visit him there!”

Reeve: “Do you want to contact Lark or not?”

Sephiroth: “Fine. But everybody owes me for this.”


(a short time later, zidane and bryatt walk into the ramble room talking. Argath’s slave is making coffee. Lloyd is sprawled out on the couch looking annoyed.)

Zidane: “This whole thing is just crazy. Dante is closing the club tonight, so I think I’m gonna go visit Franswa at the hospital. Zell told me he was really feelin’ down. Wanna come?”

Bryatt: “Sure.”

Lloyd: “Hi, *Zidane*.”

Zidane: “Oh. It’s you. Who the hell let you in here, Nelo Angelo?”

Lloyd: “It’s Chet now! And you know it! Besides, I’ve got your old job now! Who’s the loser now?”

Zidane: “My old *job*? You mean you’re a slave? ‘Cause that’s not a job.”

Lloyd: “Yes it is! You’re just jealous!”

Zidane: “Wow…I was a pretty crappy slave, but it seems like Algus still managed to do worse than me.”

Lloyd: “Argh! Shut up!”

Algus’ voice: “Slave! Get in here at once!”

Lloyd: *mutters* “Dammit. What does he want now…?”

Zidane: “I hope it’s cleaning all 25 of the cars he doesn’t drive.”

Lloyd: “Grrr…”

(but he does leave. Zidane goes over to the fridge and grabs bottles of water for himself and bryatt. He looks at argath’s slave, who is still just standing there, waiting for the coffee to brew and being very quiet)

Zidane: “Hey. You’re Argath’s…guy, right?”

Slave: “Yes, sir.”

Zidane: “Uh, you don’t have to call me, sir. It’s just Zidane. And this is my boyfriend, Bryatt.”

Slave: “Yes, sir, Zidane, sir.”

Zidane: “You don’t have to be so formal around me. I used to be in the business. In case you didn’t over hear Lloyd’s big mouth, I used to work for Algus.”

Slave: “Sir Algus seems like a very nice man to work for.”

Zidane: “Uh…anyway, I don’t think I ever got your name.”

(the slave turns to him slowly and he looks shocked)

Slave: “M-my name, sir?”

Zidane: “Yeah. I don’t think we were ever really introduced.”

Slave: “Why…I can’t recall the last time somebody asked me for my name, sir.”

Zidane: “What?”

Slave: “Master Argath never addresses me by my name, sir. I never get introduced.”

Bryatt: “Seriously?”

Zidane: “That doesn’t really surprise me. Well, I’m asking now. So what is it?”

Slave: “It’s Tiernan, sir. I go by Tiernan.”

Zidane: “Nice to meet ya, Tiernan. And stop calling me sir, okay? I’m not some jerk like Argath or Algus.”

Tiernan: “Oh dear! For someone once in my position, you certainly speak quite freely.”

Zidane: “I’ve never really been the quiet type. Besides, they are jerks. I’ve never been so happy since I got outta bein’ a slave. Anyway, catch ya later, Tiernan. Don’t work too hard.”

(he and bryatt leave. Tiernan watches them go.)

Tiernan: “…Yes, sir.”


(so reeve and sephiroth reluctantly go to the prison to visit hojo. And they drag kuja with them.)

Kuja: “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me! You know what they’ll do to a girl like me in prison?!”

Sephiroth: “First of all, you’re not a girl, and second of all you’re not actually *going* to prison. We’re just visiting. Hojo won’t even be able to touch you. He’ll be behind a nice protective sheet of plastic.”

Kuja: “That’s never stood in his way before.”

(so they go inside, sign in and then go and wait in one of the booths with the telephones. A minute later, hojo is lead out. He looks overjoyed to see them. He runs right over and picks up the phone. No one picks the phone on their side. Finally, reeve grimaces and picks it up, but he hands it to sephiroth. Sephiroth grimaces and hands it to kuja. Kuja grimaces and hands it back to reeve. Reeve frowns and sighs, but puts it to his ear)

Reeve: “Hello, Hojo.”

Hojo: “Hello! Hello, everyone! To what do I owe the honor of this visit?”

Sephiroth: “It’s not to see you, that’s for damn sure.”

Reeve: “We actually need the password to your network.”

Hojo: *frowns* “Why do you need that? Are the police talking to you? Because they can’t pin a man for the same crime twice!”

Reeve: “No, we need it. For our personal use.”

Hojo: *raises eyebrow* “I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing.”

Sephiroth: “Not for the porn! We just need to get to the internet!”

Hojo: “So go on the internet! No one’s stopping you!”

Reeve: “Your network is the only one that’s still working! Some maniac has cut off all our communication!”

Hojo: “Why should I help you? I don’t gain anything from this!”

Sephiroth: “Tell us the password you old creep!”

Hojo: “Give me a reason to.”

(reeve looks at sephiroth pleadingly. Sephiroth sighs and looks at kuja hard. Kuja is gazing off at the ceiling on purpose)

Sephiroth: “Kuja…”

Kuja: “Yes…?”

Sephiroth: “You said you’d do it for the Sephora gift certificate.”

Kuja: “I don’t know if that’s enough…”

Sephiroth: “We had an agreement!”

Kuja: *sigh* “Fine. Hojo, give them the password and I’ll go into the conjugal visit trailer with you.”

Hojo: “Done!”


(after they get what they need from hojo, sephiroth, reeve and kuja depart the prison, and, after a quick stop at the mall, return to loser land with their ps3 to access the network. Meanwhile, back over at the ramble room…everyone is trying to keep busy in any way possible. Rufus comes over to tseng)

Rufus: “Tseng, I think there are going to be very difficult times ahead, and I think we should be prepared.”

Tseng: “Do you want me and the other Turks to watch the kids 24/7?”

Rufus: “No, I’ve hired professionals for that. I need you to do something else. It looks like there might be a fight involved, and I think he should be prepared.”

Tseng: “Who? Max?”

Rufus: “No.” *holds up mr. jingles who is wearing a karate outfit* “Him.”

Tseng: *blink blink* “What the…?”

Rufus: “I know you are skilled in martial arts, and I want him to be able to defend himself. I want you to teach him what you know.”

Tseng: “Rufus… He’s…he’s a bear.”

Rufus: “So? He has two feet and two hands! Well, paws.”

Tseng: “Rufus, I can’t teach him karate! He’s a stuffed animal! He can’t move on his own!”

Rufus: *covers mr. jingles’ ears* “How dare you!”

Elena’s voice: “Rufus?”

Rufus: “This isn’t over!”

(he leaves with mr. jingles. Tseng breathes a sigh of relief.)

Rude: *to reno* “Rufus is crazy.”

Reno: “….”

Rude: “Reno?”

Reno: “Huh? Oh. Yeah. How’s your leg?”

Rude: “…Hasn’t changed since the last time you asked.”

Reno: “But the doctor did say that the nerve damage would heal itself, right?”

Rude: “Yeah. I’ll be fine. Will you?”

Reno: “What?”

Rude: “You seem out of it.”

Reno: “Oh. I’m just… When’s Reeve gonna come back?”

Tseng: “Soon, I hope.”

Cloud: “I wonder if Tifa and Richter are having any luck coming up with some kind of rescue plan for Duke.”

Squall: “Hate to say it seems kind of like looking for a needle in a haystack.”

Irvine: “Ugh. I’d never wanna have to do that again.”

Zell: “I hope Franswa gets out of the hospital soon. He’s totally depressed.”

Tseng: “What’s wrong?”

Zell: “He’s upset because he couldn’t protect Duke.”

Tseng: “I couldn’t have protected him against all those monsters either.”

Zell: “I tried to tell him that! But he won’t listen to me.”

Vincent: “I doubt anything anyone could say would make him see things the way they really are. His brother was in his arms when he was taken. Therefore he feels he could have done something to stop the abduction. His mind cannot be rational.”

Seifer: “What if they can’t find Duke? Then what?”

Zell: “What the hell is wrong with you, Seifer!? How can you even say that??”

Seifer: “Don’t get in my face about it! It could happen! Tons of kids get kidnapped and are never found again!”

Zell: “Shut up, Seifer!”

Squall: “Guys. Stop.”

Tseng: “Yelling at each other isn’t going to fix the problem. We’ve got enough trouble as it is. Don’t make it worse.”

(rufus comes back in)

Rufus: “Well, Elena’s on her way to go talk to Sunshine about what’s going on. Hopefully she’ll be able to help us.”

Auron: “I hope Reeve and Sephiroth return soon. And I hope they have good news.”

Irvine: “Man, if we can’t get in touch with Lark…then what?”

(no one has an answer to that. Luckily for them, reeve and sephiroth return)

Reeve: “We did it!”

Zell: “You talked to Lark?”

Sephiroth: “No. But we’ve got the PS3 hooked up to the network. And we’ve got everything programmed so that if Brady’s stupid screen name comes online, we’ll keep bombarding it with messages until we get an answer.”

Tseng: “Great!”

Reeve: “I hope this works… We should be able to talk to her, but even then, I don’t think there’s any way for her to get back here.”

Vincent: “One step at a time. If we can’t contact her, nothing else matters.”


(meanwhile, at the hospital, zidane and bryatt come to visit franswa. He looks over at them eagerly when they arrive)

Franswa: “Did they find Duke?”

Zidane: “Hey, Franswa. Uh, no. Not yet. They’re looking, though. I’m sure they’ll get him back really soon.”

Bryatt: “How are you doing?”

Franswa: “I want to get out of here but they won’t let me. They said I have to stay here at least a few more days.”

Zidane: “Well, those monsters did tear you up pretty badly. You need time to heal.”

Franswa: “What I *need* to do is help find my brother. How’s dad? How’s Tifa?”

Bryatt: “They’re okay. If you just follow the doctor’s orders you’ll be as good as new in no time.”

Franswa: “I’m barely good to anyone on the outside, but I’m really no good to anyone in here! At least at home I could do something… I could make up for what happened somehow…”

Zidane: “Well–“

Franswa: “Did Zell tell you to come visit me?”

Zidane: “Uh–“

Franswa: “Because I really don’t want to see anyone unless you’ve found Duke. Or unless I can get out of here. Nobody has to waste their time coming all the way over here.”

Zidane: “Franswa–“

Franswa: “You can tell that to everyone.”

(with that he turns towards the window and refuses to say another word. Zidane and bryatt leave frowning.)

Bryatt: “He’s certainly cheery, huh?”

Zidane: “I can’t tell everyone not to come and see him. They wouldn’t listen anyway!”

Bryatt: “And they shouldn’t. Franswa needs his friends more than ever right now. He just doesn’t know it.”


(meanwhile, over at bowser’s mansion, he comes home and it’s quite late at night. He enters the house and everything is silent.)

Bowser: “Jr? Where are you, Jr?”

(he listens, but the house is still silent. Bowser frowns.)

Bowser: “JR??”

(there’s a muffled scream. Bowser looks up at the stairs in alarm as the floor begins to shake. Ganon walks down, holding a struggling bowser jr in his hand. The boy has been tied up and gagged)

Bowser: “Ganon! B-but you told me if I did what you asked–“

Ganon: “And you did what I asked, and I thank you for it. But you are also a fool to think that I keep my promises.”

Bowser: “How could you betray me like this?! What could you possibly want with my son!?”

Ganon: “Children have remarkable powers. And I plan to use them.”

(bowser looks at his son, who is wide eyed with fear and is screaming, struggling against the restraints)

Bowser: “Let him go! I can help you! Let me help you instead!”

Ganon: “You!? You’re as useless as they come, King of the Koopas. Now get out of my way. There’s no stopping me now.”

(and bowser can only watch helplessly as ganon leaves, taking his son prisoner, not knowing what to do or think.)


(the next day, rufus goes to the law offices of wright and co. with him are sephiroth, algus, lloyd and zidane. They are sitting in the lobby, waiting)

Sephiroth: “So Elena said she was looking into it, right?”

Rufus: “Yup. But I don’t know how much she could have found out with no email or phone.”

Zidane: “I bet all of this is gonna affect my case. I hope Kuja doesn’t think he has a chance!”

Algus: “What case?”

Zidane: “Oh, I’m disputing a will. I’m gonna take everything Kuja thinks he’s getting!”

Algus: “Ah, the old will contestation. I’ve had my fair share of those. I’m surprised. I didn’t think you had it in you, Zidane.”

Zidane: “When I’m through, Kuja’s gonna wish we were never created by the same guy.”

Lloyd: “I’m bored! Where is this lawyer chick!?”

Rufus: “Algus, what is wrong with your slave? He’s even worse than the last one.”

Zidane: “Yeah.”

Lloyd: “Hey! You *were* his last slave!”

Zidane: “So? You’re still worse.”

Algus: “I have warned you time and time again to keep your mouth shut, slave. If you keep this up there will be no pumpkin muffins like I promised!”

Lloyd: “I’m allergic to pumpkin! I told you that!”

Zidane: “Ah, it’s good to be free.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Lloyd. Things are bad enough as it is.”

Rufus: “I thought his name was Nelo Angelo.”

Zidane: “I thought it was back to Vergil.”

Lloyd: “No! Shut up! You’re all wrong! It’s Chet now! Chet!”

Zidane: “Chex?”

Lloyd: “No! Chet!”

Rufus: “I think they make a party mix…”

Lloyd: “That’s Chex!”

Sephiroth: “Right. Like your name.”

Lloyd: “NO! My name is *Chet*, you assholes!”

Algus: “No one address him by any name! He doesn’t deserve one.”

Zidane: “For once I agree with you, Algus.”

Lloyd: “Hey!”

Algus: “Slave, keep this up and your audition will come to an abrupt end.”

Rufus: “I’m surprised the audition has lasted this long.”

Sephiroth: “Me too.”

Zidane: “Me three.”

Lloyd: “Hey! You can’t talk about me in front of me!”

Algus: “Well, to be honest I would fire him, but I really do need to have a slave in front of my brother. You know, because I’m better than him.”

Sephiroth: “If I promise to find you someone else, will you get rid of him?”

Algus: “Lloyd, you’re fired.”

Lloyd: “It’s Chet! And this isn’t fair! This is discrimination!”

Sephiroth: “Do you even know what that word means, Lloyd?”

Lloyd: “…No! But I know it’s bad! I heard it on TV once!”

Rufus: “Get out of here before I call the cops.”

Lloyd: “Fine! I can get a better job anyway!”

(he stomps out, slamming the door behind him.)

Zidane: “It’s hard to believe it, but, no he can’t.”

(sunshine finally enters. And she’s not smiling)

Sunshine: “Oh. You’re all here.”

Rufus: “Do you have any news for us?”

Sunshine: “Well…why don’t you all come back to my office?”

(they do. Phoenix wright is waiting for them in there.)

Sunshine: “Everyone, this is defense attorney Phoenix Wright. Phoenix, this is my brother Rufus and his friends: Algus, Sephiroth, Zidane and…wasn’t someone else with you?”

Algus: “No one important. It’s quite nice to meet you.”

Phoenix: “Same here. Why don’t you all sit down?”

(they do.)

Sephiroth: “Well from the looks of it, it seems like you have bad news.”

Sunshine: “You can say that.”

Phoenix: “We’ve been doing a lot of research into this Ganon. You can hire all the lawyers you want, it’s not gonna stop him. He has brute force–and he’s gonna use it.”

Sunshine: “He’s not alone. We heard he’s working with two other villains who were recently unsealed from their worlds.”

Sephiroth: “What?! Who!?”

Sunshine: “We haven’t gotten that information yet.”

Phoenix: “I mean, we’ll help you in any way we can to find out more information, but legally we’re trapped. No one can stop this guy. Just last night he walked into King Bowser’s house and kidnapped his son.”

Rufus: “Bowser Jr.?!”

Sephiroth: “So he wasn’t just interested in Duke?”

Phoenix: “According to Bowser, Ganon said he has a plan that involves using children. And he won’t let anyone stand in his way.”

Rufus: *panics* “Children?! What about my children?! I need to get home!”


(so rufus and the others, including sunshine, all rush back to his house. It does not look good. The door is torn off the hinges. They rush inside to find elena on the floor in the foyer, sobbing.)

Rufus: “Elena!! Are you okay?! Where are the kids??” *runs to her side*

Elena: *crying* “He took them! All of them! Max… Lily… Rufus Jr… I tried to stop him! I tried so hard!! But he took them — took them right from my arms!” *breaks down harder*

Rufus: *darkly* “…If that Ganon didn’t think the Belmont’s were enough of a fight…he’s really in for it now.”

(then tseng and reeve come rushing in)

Tseng: “What’s the–” *sees elena and stops dead* “…Oh god.”

Elena: *sobbing* “This is all my fault!”

Tseng: “What happened?? Are they gone?? Did he take them too?”

Sephiroth: “…All of them.”

Reeve: “…Oh my god…”

Elena: “I couldn’t protect my own kids! What kind of mother am I?”

Tseng: “What was I thinking, leaving you alone?! I should have been here! Now who knows where our kids are! F*cking sh*t! We have to go! We have to get them back!”

Sephiroth: “I have a feeling this guy isn’t done yet, either.”

Rufus: “I am going to hunt that guy down and tear him limb from limb myself! No one touches Rufus Shinra’s kids and lives to tell about it!”

Reeve: “What should we do?? There has to be something we can do!”

Sephiroth: “There’s nothing you can do for now. We have to go back to the others and make a plan. We have to find this guy and anyone’s he’s working with. I don’t care how many worlds we have to visit. He’s not going to get any further than this.”

Tseng: “Well let’s go! There’s no time to waste! Every moment we hesitate is another moment that sick monster has with our kids!”

Elena: “It’s my fault! I couldn’t stop him!”

Rufus: “Elena, stop blaming yourself! There’s nothing you could have done! You’re lucky you weren’t killed!”

Elena: “But–“

Tseng: “Elena, don’t worry. We’re going to get them back. We’re Shinra. Nothing stands in our way.”

(everyone looks at tseng a moment. Then algus goes over to elena.)

Algus: “Here. Let me help you to the car. Tseng is right. We’d better get going.”

(he and zidane help a still sobbing elena out to the car. Sunshine, sephiroth, and reeve follow. That leaves tseng and rufus alone.)

Rufus: “I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry in my entire life.”

Tseng: “You too? Heh, invincible or not, I’ll find a way to make this Ganon regret the day he was born.”


(meanwhile, over at the condos, dante arrives home with his arms full of groceries. He finds Lloyd pouting in the kitchen)

Dante: “You got fired?”

Lloyd: “Why do you always think that?”

Dante: “Hmm…I don’t know, maybe because you’re always getting fired?”

Lloyd: “Shut up! That’s not true!”

Dante: “Right… Where’s Alucard?”

Lloyd: “I don’t care. I’m pissed at him!”

Dante: *sigh* “Dare I ask why?”

Lloyd: “Because! He ate some of *my* cereal! That’s *mine*! For me!”

Dante: “Really? Because last time I checked, you didn’t have any money to *buy* cereal.”

Lloyd: “…Shut up! It’s still mine!”

(there’s a knock at the door)

Dante: “Try to make yourself useful by getting the door, Lloyd.”

Lloyd: *getting up* “Why don’t you make yourself useful by *dying*, Dante?”

Dante: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, okay. I’ll get right on that.”

(so Lloyd leaves to get the door. Dante starts to put some groceries away. Then Lloyd enters with someone that looks a lot like them. This new person is all smiles. Dante sees him and frowns.)

Dante: “Oh no.”

????: “Hi, Dante! It’s me! Remember me?”

Dante: “…Uh… Nero, right?”

Nero: “Yeah! You remembered! Awesome!”

Dante: “I thought you hated me.”

Nero: “Hey, man! What’s done is done! You gotta couch I can crash on?”

(he walks back into the living room. Lloyd and dante follow)

Dante: “What the hell—you are *not* staying here.”

Nero: “But Dante! We’re practically family! I’d let you stay on my couch if it hadn’t been repossessed!”

Dante: “Nero, I would rather trade places with Lloyd for a week than sleep on your couch.”

Lloyd: “Yeah! And that’s pretty bad!”

Dante: “And we’re not family. You’re a stalker.”

Nero: “Stalker?! No I’m not!”

Dante: “Oh yeah? Your hair is naturally that color?”

Nero: *touches hair* “Uh…yeah. You bet it is.”

Dante: “Besides, that arm of yours– creeps me the hell out.”

Lloyd: “Yeah! Doesn’t it talk?”

Dante: “No, you’re thinking of Alucard’s brother.”

Lloyd: *punches fist into palm* “Yeah! That thing always makes fun of me!”

Dante: “So get out.”

Nero: “Aw, come on, Dante! Just for a little while? Just until I get back on my feet again?”

Dante: “Look, I’m already housing one dead beat—“

Lloyd: “Yeah! Me!”

Dante: “—I’m not runnin’ a charity here.”

Nero: “Please, Dante? Just for a week then? Then I’ll be outta here for good! Promise!”

Dante: “No!”

Nero: “Come on! I’ll do anything! Anything!”

Lloyd: “Want me to call the cops?”

Dante: “Fine. You can stay here. But you’re sleeping in the basement!”

Lloyd: “That’s even worse than where I sleep!”

Dante: “And you’re going to help Lloyd with all the chores around here!”

Lloyd: “Not that I need help!”

Dante: “And stay outta my sight!”

Nero: “Oh, thank you, Dante! You’re the greatest guy ever!”

(he hugs dante and then runs to the basement.)

Lloyd: “Why’d you say yes, Dante? You’re always complaining that you can’t stand Nero!”

Dante: “I can’t. But I can’t stand you either. So with the two of you bothering each other, maybe I’ll get a break.”

Lloyd: “Argh!! I wish I could get a break from you!”

Dante: “Oh really? There’s the door. No one’s stopping you.”

(he walks out laughing as Lloyd glares after him.)


(most of the gang is waiting in the ramble room when rufus, tseng, reeve, sunshine, zidane, algus and sephiroth return.)

Tifa: “What did the lawyer s—Elena?” *rushes over to her*

Richter: “Did something happen?!”

Rufus: “They took them. They took our kids.”

Zell: “WHAT?”

Vincent: “All of them?”

Tseng: “Yeah. All of them.”

Sunshine: “And I found out yesterday that Bowser Jr.’s been kidnapped as well.”

Seifer: “That’s five kids this guy has stolen! Why?”

Sephiroth: “Apparently he has some kind of plan.”

Juste: “What kind of plan?”

Zidane: “Nobody knows that much.”

Richter: “Well what are we all standing around here for? We can’t let him strike again! Who knows what they could be using our children for!”

Reeve: “We can’t just rush into this. Obviously this guy is dangerous. If he needs our kids for something, I don’t think he’ll hurt them.”

Auron: “Won’t do you much good if you die trying to save them.”

Squall: “Have we heard from Lark yet?”

Reeve: “I haven’t gotten a chance to check the PS3.”

Rufus: “Well what are you waiting for, Reeve?”

Reeve: “I’m going! I’m going!”

(he leaves. Sephiroth follows him out.)

Richter: “We should be coming up with a battle plan!”

Barret: “Yo! A battle plan fo’ what? We don’t know where this bastard even be at!”

Cloud: “Barret’s right. We need information. We still don’t have enough to make any decisions yet.”

Zidane: “And apparently he’s got three pals that were also unsealed.”

Setzer: “Zelda had mentioned there were others as well.”

Tifa: “So we’re up against three of them?”

Tseng: “It’s three of them, but who knows what these other two are like.”

Everyone: “…………”

Richter: “Well I’ve got to *do* something! I can’t be sitting around here waiting to make decisions while some bastard runs off with my son!”

Juste: “Richter, patience. I know it’s difficult. But right now it really is all you can do.”


(so reeve and sephiroth walk over to loser land and are knocking on the door again.)

Sephiroth: *mutters* “I swear I’m just gonna break it down.”

Reeve: “I can do this alone, you know.”

Sephiroth: “I know. But I’m a good guy to have around.”

Both: “……………”

Reeve: “I hope we can somehow get her back too, Sephiroth. But I wouldn’t count on it.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t count on anything in life.”

(the door finally opens. It’s kuja, and he looks annoyed.)

Kuja: “Oh no. Don’t even think about it. I’m never going back to that prison. I don’t care how many gift cards you offer me.”

Reeve: “Relax, Kuja. We’re not here about that. We just need to check on the network.”

Kuja: “Oh. That thing. Okay, be my guest.”

(he steps aside and follows them into the lab. Reeve starts to examine things and turn on the tv.)

Sephiroth: “He’s been gone awhile, but it still smells in here.”

Kuja: “Even that skunk smells better than this.”

Sephiroth: “Haven’t you tried air freshener or something?”

Kuja: “We prefer to avoid this room all together.”

Reeve: “What the hell?!”

Sephiroth: “What? What’s wrong?”

Reeve: “Someone unplugged the PS3! No wonder we haven’t heard anything!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah! That idiot she’s married to is practically glued to his video games!”

Reeve: *to kuja* “Who did this?”

Kuja: *shrugs* “Not me. I have no reason to be in here. The money goes straight to my bank account.”

(then nida comes in, whistling and holding a virtual boy. –if you don’t know what I’m talking about, go to wikipedia right now. Then continue.)

Nida: “You guys back *again*?”

(he goes to plug his virtual boy into the wall where the ps3 is now plugged in again)

Nida: “Hey! I need to plug my virtual boy in! Get that thing out of the way!”

Reeve: “You unplugged the PS3 for your virtual boy?”

Nida: “Yeah!”

Reeve: “Are you kidding me?”

Nida: “Hey! This thing is awesome! It was just ahead of its time!”

Reeve: “Why do you have to plug it in here?! You don’t even need a TV to play it!”

Nida: “It’s quiet in here! Besides, I need a table to set it up on and I can’t use the one in the kitchen without Heidegger almost sitting on me every five minutes!”

Sephiroth: “You idiot! We need this PS3 hooked up to talk to Lark! Now take your failed piece of crap excuse for a gaming system and go let Heidegger sit on you!”

Nida: “Fine! But don’t come crying to me if you want to play Mario Tennis or Waterworld or Teleroboxer or Nester’s Funky Bowling!”

Sephiroth: “Get out of here!”

(nida leaves. Reeve stands up and looks at the ps3 screen.)

Reeve: “At least they were already on our friends list. That makes things a whole lot easier.”

Sephiroth: “Are they on?”

Reeve: “We’re about to find out.”


(back in the real world, it’s thundering and lightening out, but that doesn’t stop lark, shell, Brady and Ashley from playing rock band. Brady is on drums, lark and Ashley are on guitars and shell is singing. Those on instruments are playing through a rather tricky part while the singer waits for something to do. Something flashes in the corner of the screen and only shell notices)

Shell: “Who’s FFGuyzRule?”

Lark: *concentrating* “Ask me later!”

Shell: *not really listening to her* “They sent you a message titled ‘Help, emergency’ in all caps.”

Lark: *still concentrating* “In a minute!”

Shell: “I feel like I’ve heard that somewhere before…”

Lark: “Argh, I hate this song! This guy and his car can just drive off a cliff!”

Shell: “Omg! It’s the ramble room! The ramble room’s trying to contact us!”

(someone pauses the game. Lark, Brady and Ashley all turn and stare at shell.)

Lark: “…What?”

Shell: “That user name! FFGuyzRule! That’s the user name on the PS3 back at the ramble room!”

Brady: “How do you know that?”

Shell: “Oh, there was a big fight over the user name because they would all be using it. I remember Rude telling me about it.”

Brady: “You and Rude actually talked?”

Shell: “Of course we did! Do you think I just ordered him around all the time?”

Brady: “Well—“

Lark: “Brady, don’t answer that. Shell, did you say something about a message?”

Shell: “Yeah! It said ‘Help emergency’ in all caps.”

Ashley: “Omg!”

Lark: “Hurry, Brady! Get us to the message!”

Brady: “But the game didn’t save—“

Lark: “Forget the game!”

(being a good and loving husband, Brady quickly clicks out of the game and goes to the messages screen for the PS3. sure enough there is the message just as shell said.)

Ashley: “I didn’t know they could contact us!”

Lark: “Me neither!”

(so Brady goes to the message, which is, of course, titled, help! Emergency! And opens it.)

Lark: *reads aloud* “Lark, we need you. Ganon has escaped and is threatening us. He kidnapped Duke Belmont already. Please contact us ASAP.”

Ashley: *gasp* “Didn’t you seal him?”

Lark: “Yes! But obviously he somehow escaped!”

Shell: “Poor Duke!”

Brady: “They’re signed on right now.”

Lark: “Well hurry! We have to reply to them!”

(but before Brady can do anything, lightning strikes the house. Everything flickers)

Ashley: “Ack!”

Lark: “Is the PS3 okay?”

Brady: “It’s fine.”

(he goes flipping through the menu and all of the sudden he runs across a whole new option. It’s called transport. Everyone kinda just blinks in confusion. Then he scrolls down and there’s an icon there that says ‘ramble room’)

Brady: “The hell?”

Lark: “What is that?”

Brady: “I don’t know! This isn’t supposed to be here!”

Ashley: “…Can it take us to the ramble room?”

Brady: “I don’t know! I’ve never seen this before in my life!”

Shell: *looking at the ceiling* “…I wonder if it had something to do with the lightening…”

Lark: “Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s try it!”

Brady: “What?”

Lark: “It might take us back there!”

Brady: “It might be nothing!”

Lark: “But it might be *something*. They need our help, Brady. This might be fate.”

(Brady sighs but then holds out the controller)

Brady: “Everybody grab on.”

(they do. Then, taking a deep breath, Brady selects the ‘ramble room’ choice. Everything goes suddenly dark, and then they all collapse on the ground in a heap)

Ashley: “Ugh! My spleen!”

Shell: “It smells like dead skunk!”

Brady: “Be careful with the controller! Don’t break it.”

Lark: “This floor is like cement!” *looks down at floor* “…It is cement.”

(the gang all look at each other. Then they all turn around and see reeve and sephiroth standing there, their eyes totally wide in shock, jaws dropped. Everyone is staring in shock for a long time. Finally…)

Sephiroth: “…Lark?”

Lark: “…Sephy?”

Sephiroth: “…Are you really…here?”

Lark: “SEPHY!”

(she jumps up and hugs him tight. He hugs her back extra tight, his eyes squeezed shut)

Sephiroth: *softly* “…I thought I’d never see you again…”

(she then draws apart from him and she hugs reeve. The other girls also hug sephy and reeve. After the happy reunion…)

Reeve: “I can’t believe you’re all here! How’d you get here?”

Brady: “I’m not too sure myself. The PS3 suddenly had an extra feature that said ‘transport’ and underneath it was ‘ramble room’.”

(reeve grabs the controller for their ps3 and starts moving across the menu. Sure enough there’s a transport icon that says ‘home’ underneath.)

Brady: “Well, at least we know how to get back.”

Lark: “So what’s wrong? What do you mean Ganon has escaped?”

Reeve: “You guys better come back to the ramble room. We have a lot to catch you up on.”

(so the girls return to the ramble room and there is a happy reunion. Well, as happy as it can be considering the current situation. Lark hugs everybody, rude runs right over to shell, and seifer bursts into tears when he sees Ashley. Once everyone is acquainted all over again, they get right down to business. The gang tell the girls everything that has happened so far with ganon, his threats and the missing children. They’re obviously horrified. Lark is pacing…)

Rufus: “And this Ganon character is not acting alone. He’s got two unsealed buddies running around with him.”

Lark: *gasps*

Sephiroth: “So you *did* seal more villains away?”

Lark: “Yeah. There were three in all: Ganon, Spector, and L-Block.”

Seifer: “Spector?!”

Zell: “L-Block?! What the heck is that?”

Lark: “Spector is…an evil monkey. He’s from the Ape Escape World. He wears a helmet that makes him an evil genius.”

Richter: “An evil monkey?! What kind of ridiculousness is this?!”

Shell: “And what the heck is L-Block!? Sounds like a piece in Tetris.”

Lark: “…He is.”

Everyone: “WHAT?”

Sephiroth: “How can a set of blocks be an evil villain?”

Lark: “You don’t even wanna know…”

Richter: “If we capture and defeat them, can you seal them away again?”

Lark: “Yeah, I don’t see why not.”

Vincent: “Perhaps if we obtain more information on these characters, we can take a guess as to where they might be hiding.”

Auron: “And we’ll need more information on how to defeat them.”

Lark: “You’re exactly right. We’ll split into three groups and cover all three worlds. Ashley, you take Richter, Tifa, Juste, Zell, Seifer, Reeve and Elena to see Spike and Jimmy. Shell, you go with Auron, Rude, Squall, Barret, Edgar, Zidane and Bryatt to see L-Block.”

Shell: “You said he was the villain!”

Lark: “It’s his twin brother! Brady, you and Algus go back to loser land and try to use the internet on the PS3 to get more information. The rest of you are coming with me to see Zelda.”

Irvine: “It’s great to have you back, Lark.”

(everyone quickly leaves the room to go off on their various missions. Sephiroth pauses in the doorway and turns back to lark for a minute.)

Sephiroth: “…You know…”

Lark: “What?”

Sephiroth: “Ever since you left I’ve been feeling guilty about how I treated you.”

Lark: “It’s okay.”

Sephiroth: “No it’s not. And it killed me that I never really got to say good-bye to you. But now you’re back.”

Lark: “I don’t think I’m back for good.”

Sephiroth: “We’ll see.”


(so lark, setzer, Irvine, reno, rufus, sunshine, tseng, Vincent, and sephiroth are the group that are going to see Zelda. They pile into the van and head off immediately. Irvine is driving. Lark is sitting between reno and sephiroth. Reno is slumped in his seat looking totally depressed.)

Lark: “This whole thing is really getting you down, huh.”

Reno: “………………”

Lark: “Reno?”

Reno: “Huh? Oh. Hey, Lark.”

Lark: “You seem out of it. You okay?”

Reno: “Me? Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Just great.”

Lark: “You don’t seem like yourself.”

Reno: “………”

Lark: “…Reno?”

Reno: “……You saw Rude limping…didn’t you?”

Lark: “Yeah…I noticed he had a cane.”

Reno: “My fault.”

Lark: “What?”

Reno: “He’s hurt because of me. I messed up, and he covered for me. I was careless, and he saved my ass. I totally f*cked up. And he’s the one who’s gotta pay for it.”

Lark: “Everyone makes mistakes, Reno. I’m sure it was an accid—“

Reno: “It was no accident, okay? I was hung over! I don’t deserve to fight alongside Rude.”

Lark: *shocked silence* “…I guess I’ve been gone a long time.”

Irvine: “We’re here.”

(everyone files out of the car quietly and setzer rings the doorbell. Zelda opens it and once again looks shocked to see everyone)

Zelda: “Oh…hello again.”

Setzer: “Sorry to bother you, but we need some more information.”

Zelda: “Of course. Come in.”

(everyone files inside. Lark is last.)

Lark: “Zelda, I don’t know if you remember me. I’m Lark.”

Zelda: “Lark! Oh yes, of course. I remember. But I thought they said you were unable to come back.”

Lark: “Well, I wasn’t, but…well…it’s a long story.”

Zelda: “Well whatever the story, I’m glad it’s had a happy ending.”

(lark and Zelda come inside and join the others.)

Zelda: “So what can I help you with?”

Sephiroth: “We need more information on how to defeat Ganon.”

Zelda: “Oh…I’m afraid I’ve told you all I know.”

Rufus: “We know we’ve gotta use the Master Sword and the silver arrows and get that guy Link to use them, but where are these weapons? Do you have them?”

Zelda: “No… I’m not sure where they are now.”

Tseng: “What?”

Zelda: “Past Links have used these weapons with success against Ganon. But I’m not sure where they may be now.”

Vincent: “Past Links?”

Zelda: “Each generation has had a warrior named Link who battled Ganon. Just as each new princess is named Zelda. I am far from the first.”

Sephiroth: “So can’t we talk to them?”

Zelda: “I’m afraid they’re no longer with us.”

Tseng: “So basically you’re saying we’re screwed.”

Zelda: “I’m sorry, but that’s all I know.”

(there’s silence. Everyone looks at a loss. Except for sunshine. She’s thinking hard. Suddenly, she snaps her fingers)

Sunshine: “I’ve got it!”

Rufus: “What?”

Sunshine: “Maya, who works at the law office – she’s a spirit medium! She can channel dead people and they can talk to us!”

Rufus: “Really?”

Sunshine: “Yeah! So if we could get a picture or something of these people, I bet she can channel them!”

Zelda: “I have a book I believe could be of use to you.”

Vincent: “Seems like we still have a chance yet.”


(meanwhile, Brady and algus are walking over towards loser land. Brady does not look happy to be paired with algus)

Algus: “I hope all this nonsense is settled soon! I have too much on my plate at it is, never mind worrying about stolen children and unsealed monsters! I’m in the middle of a very intensive slave audition process!”

Brady: “Uh-huh.”

??????: “Algus! There you are! Running away?”

(Brady and algus turn around to find argath stalking over to them. Brady looks from argath to algus and back again in confusion.)

Brady: “What the…?”

Algus: “I am not ‘running away’ as you choose to put it, Argath. Brady and I have business to attend to.”

Brady: “Argath?”

Algus: “Please excuse my manners. Brady, this is my horrible gold digging twin brother, Argath. Argath, this is Brady.”

Argath: *looks Brady over* “You’re wearing jeans…how…pedestrian.”

Brady: “You have a twin brother named Argath? I thought they just decided to change the translation of your name in the new PSP port!”

Algus: *snort* “Never. I simply was not available to play the role, so Argath filled in for me.”

Argath: “And I did such a good job, I was given extra scenes.”

Algus: “I’m still trying to figure out how many people you bribed to manage that.”

Brady: “Wait a minute…what? How can he just fill in for you?”

Algus: “Easy enough. We do look alike, unfortunately.”

Brady: “Yeah, but…*you’re* Algus! You’re the game character! That’s like replacing Cloud with Squall! …Or something.”

Algus: “I think you fail to see how these games work, Brady. What happens in the game did not necessarily happen that way in our actual lives. In a way, the games are more ‘based on a true story’.”

Brady: “So all that stuff…never happened?”

Algus: “Oh, it more or less happened. But they left plenty out. Be glad you didn’t have to be subjected to Mustadio and his ‘chocobo farm’.”

Argath: *shudders* “And he claimed to be breeding them for profit!”

Algus: “Anyway, as I said previously, Argath, Brady and I are on some business, so we will continue our debate over Uncle’s will later.”

Argath: “Very well. I will go have my slave rub my feet in the meantime.”

(he leaves. Brady and algus continue on their way.)

Algus: “The nerve of him interrupting our mission! Where does he get his manners from? Anyway, do you happen to know anyone that might be good slave material?”

Brady: *mutters* “God help me.”


(meanwhile, lark,  setzer, Irvine, reno, rufus, sunshine, tseng, Vincent, and sephiroth rush over to phoenix wright’s law office. Sunshine, who is holding a big book, runs up to the front desk leading the group.)

Sunshine: “Maya!”

Maya: *surprised* “Oh! Hey, Sunshine. Something wrong?”

Sunshine: “More kids are disappearing, our problem’s getting worse and worse.” *opens the book to a marked page and plops it in front of maya* “We need you to channel her.”

Maya: *looks at the book* “Oh…okay. Sure. Who is she?”

Setzer: “She’s a princess from a land called Hyrule. She may know where some weapons are that we need to find.”

Maya: “What’s her name?”

Setzer: “Zelda.”

Sunshine: “Can you do it?”

Maya: “Yeah, of course. Just give me a minute. Why don’t you all take a seat?”

(they all do. And by the time they all do and look back over at maya, she’s taken on the look of a beautiful girl with long blonde hair. It’s Zelda)

Rufus: “Zelda!”

Zelda Sr: “Hello. I understand that you’re in need of my help.”

Sephiroth: “I should say so. Your pal Ganon is stealing children and threatening us all. We need to get rid of him.”

Lark: “We need to know where to find the Master Sword and the silver arrows.”

Zelda Sr: “Last I saw of them, they were protected within the boundaries of Hyrule castle, sealed away in some lower chambers. Seek out the senior advisor. He will have the keys.”

Lark: “Thank you so much.”

Zelda Sr: “But Ganon threatens, you say… This is most distressing news indeed. No doubt he’ll be seeking the other pieces of the Triforce. She must be cautious.”

Setzer: “Who?”

(but that’s it. Before their eyes Maya morphs back into herself.)

Maya: “Sorry, I lost her. Did you get what you needed?”

Sunshine: “Yeah. Thanks so much.”

Maya: “No problem. If you need to talk to any other dead people, I’m always around.”

Lark: “We should get back to the ramble room and meet up with the others.”

Sephiroth: “What about getting the weapons?”

Lark: “We’ll discuss that on the ride home.”

Setzer: “Who do you think she was talking about? Who has to be cautious? Zelda?”

Lark: “Don’t worry. We’ll make sure she’s okay.”


(meanwhile, at an undisclosed location, ganon, Specter and l-block are sitting around a table. Well, l-block is kind of hovering in the air next to the table.)

Ganon: “Report.”

Specter: “Well…our armies are gaining numbers. I’ve been teaching some of the monkey’s to fly planes and drive tanks, but some aren’t really that bright…even with the helmets.”

Ganon: *to l-block* “And you?”

L-Block: “[] {} () | ())( | [] ||.”

Ganon: “Good. And what of the parasites? Are they leaving?”

Specter: “From what our scouts have told me…no. I don’t think they’re taking that threat seriously.”

Ganon: “Then I will *make* them take it seriously.”

L-Block: “() | + {{|]]?”

Ganon: “The Belmont child was a powerful start. The rest have been nothing but mere gravy. I have some important conquests next on the horizon. They will look lovely in my little collection.”

Specter: “The scouts said they heard talk of girls arriving this morning. Girls from the real world.”

Ganon: “This is impossible! Communications were severed!”

Specter: “That’s just what I was told!”

Ganon: “Have those men killed! I have no time for speculation! Everything is going according to plan! And I won’t tolerate rumors trying to tear it down!”

L-Block: “| \/ ::| |\/ [].”

Ganon: “Excellent, L-Block. Tomorrow, then, we make it clear.”


(meanwhile, everyone arrives back at the ramble room.)

Lark, Shell, Ashley and Brady: “What did you find out!?”

Lark: “Ashley, you first.”

Ashley: “Okay, well as we know, Specter is a monkey, and he’s super intelligent, mostly due to this helmet he wears that makes him smarter and evil.”

Seifer: “He wants monkeys to take over the world! How freakin’ scary is that?”

Reeve: “He has an ape army which he may be training to drive tanks and fly planes.”

Richter: “And it’s told he’s been known to build robots!”

Elena: “And he’s displayed psychic abilities like telekinesis!”

Zell: “The guys we talked to seemed pretty creeped out that he was on the loose again! But they gave us this net! They said it’s great for catching monkeys!”

Sephiroth: “A net? This is war! Not hunting pretty butterflies!”

Lark: “Calm down, Sephy. Great job, guys. Shell? What about you?”

Shell: “This L-Block… He’s much more than a bunch of blocks organized in a shape.”

Barret: “Yo, his brother didn’t speak our language! But he had somebody translate for his ass!”

Zidane: “This thing is EVIL! Man, I don’t even wanna repeat the stuff we heard! He’s got powers like you can’t even imagine! Even his own brother couldn’t explain it!”

Squall: “It was…disturbing.”

Edgar: “He created quite a bit of destruction in his own world. He has the power to break things apart. But no one is sure how he does this.”

Auron: “And he has no known weaknesses.”

Lark: “As I figured. Did you discover anything good, Brady?”

Brady: *pouts* “No. First I had to show Algus how the internet works, and once I did he wouldn’t let me use it!”

Algus: “I placed an advertisement online for a new slave! And it’s quite a persuasive bit of work, if I do say so myself!”

Sephiroth: “Algus!”

Algus: “What? Now you’re off the hook! I will find my own slave, thanks to Craigslist! And believe it or not, the ad was free! Free! I love this internet fad!”

Lark: “…Okay, anyway, we found out where the weapons are that we need to defeat Ganon.”

Setzer: “But we think Zelda might be in danger.”

Edgar: “What?? How?”

Sephiroth: “Long story short, we spoke to one of her dead relatives and she made a cryptic comment.”

Reeve: “Seems like you had a busy afternoon.”

Lark: “Before we do anything else we need those weapons. They’re in Hyrule Castle.”

Edgar: “I’ve been there before. I should have no problem passing through its gates.”

Rufus: “I’ll go with you.”

Tseng: “Me too.”

Setzer: “I think we should go check on Zelda. I’m really worried about her.”

Lark: “Agreed. Sephiroth, why don’t you, me and Richter go with Setzer?”

Sephiroth: “Fine.”

Setzer: “Let’s go right now.”

Lark: “Everybody just wait here for us. We’ll make more plans when we get back.”

(edgar, rufus, tseng, setzer, sephiroth, and richter file out. Lark goes to follow them but Brady grabs her arm)

Brady: “Why do you need to go?”

Lark: “Huh?”

Brady: “I don’t like this. It could be dangerous.”

Lark: “I’ll be fine. I have three big armed guy with me.”

Brady: “You’ve never played a Zelda game, Lark. I don’t think you really know what we’re up against.”

Lark: “Maybe not. But I know one thing – I just can’t sit around here.”

(and with that she walks out.)


(meanwhile, across the street at dante’s, alucard is peering through the window across the street at the ramble room, being careful to stay out of the sun. dante comes into the room)

Dante: “Hey, Al… What’cha doing? Take a page from the Belmont book of spying?”

Alucard: *close curtains* “No. I just noticed that a whole bunch of people left the ramble room. I swear I saw Lark.”

Dante: “What? But she left!”

Alucard: “I know it sounds crazy, but…” *shakes head* “As soon as it gets dark I’m going over there to see if there’s been anything new going on.”

Dante: “Sounds good. I’ll go with ya.”

(then nero enters the room. He’s wearing the exact same outfit dante has on, unbuttoned shirt and all, and is carrying a crumbled up paper towel and a spray bottle. Dante turns around and sees him, and he looks pissed.)

Nero: “I finished all the windows upstairs. Can I have a break *now*?”

Dante: “Where the f**k did you get that outfit?”

Nero: “At the store.”

Dante: “Did you go through my closet or something? How the hell did you know I even owned stuff like that?”

Nero: “I guess we just have the same awesome taste in clothes!”

Dante: “Button your shirt up!”

Nero: “But I like it unbuttoned! I feel…free-er!”

Dante: “BUTTON IT UP!”

(nero frowns, but starts to button it up. He looks at alucard)

Nero: “Who is *that*?”

Dante: “This is my boyfriend, Alucard. Al, this is……an idiot. Named Nero.”

Nero: “Hey there.”

Dante: “Get out of here and go wash the windows on the outside.”

Nero: “What!? But I’ll need a ladder!”

Dante: “Then go find one!”

(nero leaves pouting. Alucard turns to dante)

Alucard: “When did he get here?”

Dante: “Too long ago. I’ve been keeping him in the basement when he’s not doing chores.”

Alucard: “He looks a *lot* like you. You sure you’re not really a triplet or something?”

Dante: “NO. God no. If both Nero and Lloyd were my brothers I think I would have killed myself long ago just to get the hell away from them.”

Alucard: “Then how does he look so much like you?”

Dante: “Hair dye. And plastic surgery. And lots of it. Lots and lots and lots of it.”

Alucard: “So where do you know him from?”

Dante: “Long story. I’ll fill you in later. I don’t want him here, but at least it’s free labor for a little while.”

Alucard: “So if you’ve got him doing the chores, where’s Lloyd?”

Dante: “I sent him to the store.”

(at that moment they can hear the front door slamming open)

Lloyd’s voice: “Ow!! Stupid bag!”

(there’s the sound of a bag ripping and stuff falling to the floor)

Lloyd’s voice: “Ow!! Stupid food!”

Dante: *looks at alucard* “I think he’s back.”

(they go over toward the front door where they find Lloyd crouching on the floor in front of a bunch of groceries that have fallen on the floor. He’s trying to put them back in the ripped bag.)

Dante: “Well, at least you made it all the way home without destroying the bag this time.”

Lloyd: “Shut up, Dante! That bag tore *itself* to pieces last time! I swear!”

Dante: “I’m going to tear you to pieces one of these days.”

Lloyd: “So anyway, Dante! Guess what I heard at the store today!”

Dante: “People running away screaming once they got a look at your face?”

Lloyd: “No, you asshole! I heard a rumor! About the next Devil May Cry game!”

Dante: *rolls eyes* “Oh, really? What did you hear?”

Lloyd: “That it’s gonna be about me!”

(dante looks at Lloyd for a long moment. Then he just breaks out into hysterical laughter. Lloyd pouts and looks angry)

Lloyd: “What the hell’s so funny?”

Dante: “A game? About you? What are they gonna call it? ‘Devil May Cry – Ow! My Foot’!?” *laughs*

Lloyd: “No! Shut up, Dante! You’re just jealous!”

Dante: “Or how about ‘Devil May Cry During She’s All That’?”

Lloyd: “That movie did *not* make me cry! Those were tears of pain! Pain from…uh…sitting too long!”

Dante: *still laughing* “Or maybe they’ll change the name of the series altogether! Go in a whole new direction! ‘Devil May Suck’!”

Lloyd: *angry* “You know who sucks, Dante?! You!”

Dante: “You’re right, Lloyd. But I’m good at it.”

Lloyd: “ARGH! Chet! I’m Chet now!”

(he angrily stomps out of the room. Still chuckling, dante bends down to pick up the groceries. Alucard goes to help him.)

Dante: “Boy, I needed that laugh right about now.”

Alucard: “…Yeah.”

Dante: “What’s the matter, Al? You thinking about everything that’s going on?”

Alucard: “Yeah. I just have a really bad feeling about all of this.”

Dante: “Don’t worry. I’m sure everything’ll work out in the end. I mean, everybody’s been through pretty tough sh*t before and we’ve gotten through it. And you, you’ve lived through worse I bet.”

Alucard: *softly* “…Yeah… I guess so…”


(darkness has fallen. Over at zelda’s, she is in her kitchen making a cup of tea when the house shakes a bit. She pauses, but everything is still. She goes back to stirring the tea and again the house starts to shake, harder this time. Her eyes go wide and she makes a break for the back door, but before she can, the door flies off its handles and ganon steps inside and grabs her)

Zelda: “Unhand me!”

Ganon: “I don’t think so, Princess. Not when you have *two* things I’m interested in.”

(with that he reaches around her neck and yanks something away. There, in his hand, is a necklace made from part of the triforce. Wisdom, to be technical.)

Ganon: “Excellent. Just as I expected.”

Zelda: “You got what you were looking for! Now let me go!”

Ganon: “Never. The Triforce was just a piece of the puzzle. I said you had two things I’m interested in. The Triforce was one, and you, my beautiful Princess, or more accurately, your baby, are the other.”


(when lark, sephiroth, setzer and richter arrive at the house, everything is eerily silent. Setzer starts pounding on the front door.)

Setzer: “ZELDA?”

Richter: “I’ll check around the back.”

(he leaves. Setzer keeps knocking, looking more and more distressed)

Setzer: “Zelda?” *exasperated* “We told her not to live on her own – that she’d be better protected at the castle! Why didn’t she listen to us?”

Sephiroth: “Maybe she’s a really deep sleeper.”

Lark: “I never pictured you as the optimistic one.”

Sephiroth: “Someone has to be.”

Richter’s voice: “Oh no! Come quickly!”

(everyone dashes around to the back of the house, where the door is gone. Setzer rushes into the house and starts running around.)

Setzer: “ZELDA?”

Lark: “Omg…”

Sephiroth: “I guess we weren’t fast enough.”

Richter: “He’s kidnapping children who’ve yet to be born now?”

(setzer returns looking frantic)

Setzer: “She’s gone! They’ve taken her too!”

Richter: “This is madness! I say when they return with those weapons we hunt everywhere until we find them!”

Lark: “You can’t do that! We don’t know where they are! And besides, they won’t even work if you use them!”

Richter: “I have been patient long enough! This is our children we are talking about! How much longer can we do NOTHING?”

Sephiroth: “Look, we’re doing all we can do! And right now we can’t do anything! So go back to the car. Tomorrow…we’ll get everyone together. And we’ll make a plan.”

(richter doesn’t look too happy, but he accepts this. He leads a distraught setzer out of the house. Lark stands there looking totally bewildered)

Sephiroth: “You okay?”

Lark: “A few hours ago I was in my house playing Rock Band. Now here I am trying to find missing children and dealing with monsters who are planning god knows what. It’s just so much to process.”

Sephiroth: “I’m sorry this is what you had to come back to.”

Lark: *very softly* “…Me too.”


(the next day, at the headquarters of the video game villain award committee, it seems the whole committee has gathered: bowser, dedede, nightmare, nemesis, and everyone’s favorite vamp, Dracula. As they take their seats, bowser bangs on the table with a gavel.)

Bowser: “I now call this emergency meeting to order!”

Nightmare: “Nightmare missed his stage fighting class for this! Better be for good reason!”

Bowser: “In case you haven’t already heard, which clearly you haven’t! My son has been kidnapped.”

Nemesis: “STARS?!”

Bowser: “The *blacklisted* are free.”

Dedede, Nightmare and Nemesis: *gasp*

Dracula: “I’m blacklisted from the craft store!”

Dedede: “Are you sure?”

Dracula: “They didn’t like the way I was using the pipe cleaners!”

Bowser: “Oh, very. Not only did Ganon show up to kidnap my son personally…I was the one who unsealed him.”

Dedede, Nightmare and Nemesis: “WHAT?!/STARS?!”

Dracula: “Even I was shocked at how many I could fit up there!”

Dedede: “Why? Why would you do something like that?” *quack*

Bowser: “He threatened my son! And he came to kidnap him anyway! It was all a big mistake!”

Nightmare: “All three of them free? Specter? And L-Block?”

Bowser: *hangs head* “Yes.”

Dedede: “L-Block?! But he’s a monster! Remember when he—“

Bowser: “Oh, you don’t have to remind me.”

Nightmare: *sadly* “All those baby blocks…”

Nemesis: “STARS!?”

Bowser: “That’s why I called this meeting! We need to find where they’re hiding! We have to get my son back!”

Dracula: “When he was a kid, I accidentally shipped my son to China! But he came back. They always do!” *chuckles*

Dedede: “You expect us to stand against the three of them? That’s suicide!”

Nightmare: “You made your choice! Now you live with it!”

Bowser: “No! You don’t understand! This isn’t just about my son! I’ve released the evil back into the world! They’re going to try and take over everything! Just like they almost did last time!”

Dracula: “I took over the restroom at the local mall! I was escorted off the premises!”

Nightmare: “Nightmare wants Dracula to shut up!”

Dedede: “How could you do this to us, Bowser? You don’t even like your damn kids!” *quack*

Bowser: “How dare you! Of course I do! They’re my damn kids!”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Nightmare: “There is nothing the five of us can do against the likes of them!”

Dedede: “Five? You’re even counting Dracula?”

Dracula: *is standing on his head* “If you do this long enough, the room starts to spin!”

Dedede: “You’ve doomed us, Bowser. You’ve doomed us all!”

Bowser: “There’s still hope! I thought if we contacted every villain on our lists, we could get together an army to stand against them!”

Dracula: *still standing on his head* “Why yes, I am standing on my head! Thanks for noticing!”

Dedede: “You think that will fix everything?”

Bowser: “Please! It’s a start! I’m trying to fix my mistake!”

Dedede: *hesitates*

Bowser: “I helped you when you got that stupid dream rod stuck in your throat!” *to nightmare* “And who rescued you the time Cervantes beat you and threw you off a bridge?”

Nightmare: *mutters* “Nightmare’s armor is too heavy to make swimming possible.”

Bowser: *to nemesis* “And who helped you track down that special yarn you were looking all over for?”

Nemesis: *softly* “…stars.”

Bowser: “I know I’ve made a huge mistake. But I need your help. If we villains and our armies stand together, we can make things right again!”

Dedede: “…All right.”

Nightmare: “Very well! Nightmare will aide you!”

Nemesis: “STARS.”

Dracula: *falls over* “Ow! The floor hit me! And I didn’t even provoke it!”

Bowser: “Okay, let’s divide the list. And I’ll contact some people who I think can find out where they’re hiding…”


(back over at the ramble room, most people are crowded inside, talking and arguing over what to do. But not our friend algus! Oh no. he’s a very busy man. He’s outside on the porch swing waiting for his latest auditioner to arrive. Finally, he sees them approach. One is a teenager with silver hair and a somewhat vacant expression. He is accompanied by a walking pizza. Well, it’s a creature wearing blue and red striped overalls and matching hat. It’s face is a pizza with pepperoni eyes and a bacon looking mouth. And no, I’m not making this stuff up. The game? Enchanted arms. They come up to algus. The guy is all smiles. Algus is looking at the pizza guy with a horrified expression.)

Guy: “Hi! I’m Atsuma! Are you Algus?”

Algus: *still staring at the walking pizza* “What is *that*?”

Atsuma: “This? Oh, it’s just Crazy Pizza Man. He wanted to come with me. He loves to make pizzas!”

Crazy Pizza: “Hehehe!”

Algus: “He is a walking food product!”

Atsuma: “Uh, I think he’s actually a golem. They’re kinda like a robot, but kinda like a…uh…what’s another word for robot?”

Algus: “You seem rather ignorant. I like that in a slave.”

Atsuma: “Well, I’m like flunking all my classes at school, so I really need this job.”

Algus: “I thought the ad was quite clear that this job is unpaid.”

Atsuma: “…Oh. I’m not really good at reading.”

Algus: “I don’t get the feeling you’re good at much.”

Atsuma: *shrugs* “Well, I’m here already. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it!”

Algus: “What of this doughy companion you have with you?”

Atsuma: “Oh, he’s just here to help me! That’s what golems are for!”

Algus: “I see…perhaps the emergency food ration will prove useful then. All right then, follow me. I hope you like car washing.”

Atsuma: *excitedly* “Do I?!”


(meanwhile, while algus is showing atsuma and crazy pizza man to his cars, kuja is walking into the ramble complex. He hears a lot of commotion coming from the ramble room and walks in that direction.)

Richter’s voice: “Now that we have the weapons all that’s standing in our way is that imbecile who wields them!”

Lark’s voice: “We’re working on that. Cloud and Zack are over at their center right now working with Link.”

Tifa’s voice: “No offense, but who knows if this guy will ever be able to do what we need him to do? Cloud took years! YEARS! And some of those people he was with are STILL not back to normal!”

Squall’s voice: “Some? All.” *pause* “Except me. I was fine from the start, *Rinoa*.”

Lark’s voice: “We have to trust Zack. Yeah, Link is messed up, but he’s not totally comatose like Cloud, Rudy and Serge were. We’ll think of something.”

(kuja rolls his eyes and then peeks into the room. He spots zidane sitting on the couch, looking kind of bored. Many people are still yelling and talking over one another.)

Kuja: “Psst! Zidane!”

Zidane: *looks over* “What?”

Kuja: *waves him over*

(zidane rolls his eyes and gets up like it’s a big effort, but he does go over to kuja. They step outside on the porch swing)

Kuja: “I hired a lawyer too, you know.”

Zidane: “Yeah, so?”

Kuja: “So you’re not going to win so easily! I hope you’re ready for a fight!”

Zidane: “Bring it.”

Kuja: “I can’t believe you’re being so stubborn about this.”

Zidane: “Me? You started it! Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you’re better than me!”

Kuja: “I know that! There are many other factors that make me better than you!”

Zidane: *shakes his head smiling* “You know, I honestly cannot *wait* to see the look on your face when all Garland’s money goes to *me*.”

Kuja: “Ha! The day that happens I’ll wear suspenders!”

Zidane: “Well then you might wanna go out and buy some, because it’s only a matter of time before I win the case and the money’s mine!”

Kuja: “Dream on! You’ll never beat me!”

Zidane: “Watch me! I won’t let you stand in my way anymore!”

(and with that zidane stalks back inside.)


(meanwhile, over at zack and cloud’s center, bria is at the front desk working. Hugh is standing next to the desk watching the doors attentively, like he expects to be under attack at any moment.)

Bria: “Hugh?”

Hugh: *still watching* “Yes?”

Bria: “You really don’t have to stand guard. I don’t think they’re going to target this little place.”

Hugh: “You can never be too careful, Bria. After what happened to that Princess…they could come after this guy. He’s the only one who can really defeat this Ganon after all.”

Bria: “I guess so.”

Hugh: “I would trade places with him in a second.”

Bria: “Huh?”

Hugh: “Link. Think about it! He’s basically destined to be a hero! The people in his world probably all look up to him! But he’s sitting in that room rambling bad things about goats.” *frowns*

Bria: “Just because you’re destined to be a hero doesn’t mean you are one. Anyone can be a hero, as long as they’ve got what it takes.”

Hugh: “What do you mean?”

Bria: “It’s not something you can really put into words… It’s just something that’s inside of you.”

(meanwhile, further inside the center, zack and cloud are standing with link. Cloud is holding the master sword and the silver arrows)

Zack: “Link? Do you know what these are?” *gestures to weapons*

Link: “#$%@#$%^$% goats! #$%@# goats! And all the #$@%#$%#%@$^&&#@&* tape! And galoshes!”

Zack: “Okay…”

Cloud: *looking the master sword over* “This thing is not very big. Looks like a knife compared to the Buster Sword.”

Zack: “That thing was pretty ridiculous. You think Angeal was compensating for something?”

(they look at one another and exchange smiles)

Cloud: “Maybe…but not half as much as Sephiroth was.”

Zack: “Ouch. Better not let him hear you.”

Cloud: “I had to go there.”

Zack: “Okay, back to Link.” *picks up sword and holds in front of him* “Link, this is the Master Sword. We need you to use this to defeat Ganon.”

(link stares at the sword a long moment. Then he reaches out like he’s going to grab it. Zack and cloud look on eagerly. But instead he just takes his hat off and throws it on the ground)

Link: “#@$%#$%^& pencils! And those #$#%$#^ goats!”

Zack: “Damn. I thought we had him there for a second.” *sighs and runs a hand through his hair*

Cloud: “Can’t give up now, Zack.”

Zack: “No way. I never give up.”


(meanwhile, over at uncle shenanigans, trini, Irvine, san diego and dallas are hanging out by the bar together. The place is empty. Reno is there as well, but he’s sitting in a corner booth by himself. There’s a half empty glass of clear liquid in front of him.)

Dallas: “Man, since all this sh*t’s been going down this place has been *dead*!”

Irvine: “Tell me about it. I wonder if there’s any sense in opening the place anymore.”

San Diego: “Maybe not…least until this all clears up.”

Irvine: “If it clears up.”

Trini: “Don’t get so down, babe. Once everybody stops yelling and puts their heads together, we’ll come up with a plan.”

Irvine: “I guess… It’s just hard to imagine right now. Especially with Reno actin’ like he is.”

Trini: “My dear old bro has been known to work himself into quite a funk.”

Dallas: “I don’t think I’ve heard a word outta him since he came in here.”

San Diego: “And what’s that he’s drinkin’? Vodka?”

Irvine: “No. Water.”

Dallas and San Diego: “Water??”

San Diego: “I didn’t even think Reno knew water was for drinking…”

Irvine: “He doesn’t drink anymore. Not after what happened to Rude.”

Dallas: “How’s Rude doing anyway?”

Irvine: “*He’s* gonna be fine. It’s Reno I’m worried about.”

Trini: “Don’t worry about him, Irvine. He’ll sort himself out. He just needs more time.”

Irvine: “It’s just…everybody really needs him to be himself right now.” *mutters* “*I* need him to be himself.”

Trini: *hugs Irvine* “He’ll be okay. Trust me. He’ll be drinking again before you know it.”

Irvine: *sadly* “Yeah… I guess…”

Dallas: “Hey, maybe we better just close down after all. We all got other things on our minds.”

San Diego: “I’ll say.”

(Irvine kind of nods his head and his brothers start to shut things down. Trini frowns and watches as Irvine goes into the back. She walks over to reno)

Trini: “Hey.”

Reno: “….Hey.”

Trini: “Irvine’s worried about you, ya know.”

Reno: “I’m fine.”

Trini: “You know you’re lying when you say that.”

Reno: “………What do you want me to say then, Treen? That I’m a f#$%## up loser who’s no good to anybody?”

Trini: “That’s a downright lie too.”

Reno: “No it’s not.”

(trini puts both her hands on the table and leans towards her brother)

Trini: “Reno! Holy sh*t! You gotta stop this! I know you blame yourself for what happened to Rude—and you should, because that was really f**king stupid of you. But he’s still here and so are you. You’re both still living for a reason. Learn from it, and move the f**k on!”

Reno: “……………”

Trini: *straightens up* “We’re closing. Let’s go home.”

(she walks away, and reno hangs his head.)


(meanwhile, over at koudelka and yuri’s therapy center, koudelka is standing in the doorway of the daycare. cid and zidane are taking care of halley, van, marcy, and eiko. She has a very troubled expression on her face. Yuri comes over to her.)

Yuri: “Hey.”

Koudelka: “Hey.”

Yuri: “Small group today.”

Koudelka: “Yeah…well…the rest are gone.”

(she steps away and walks back over to the reception desk. Yuri follows her)

Yuri: “*All* of them?”

Koudelka: “Well, not Marlene. Her dad thought she’d be safer at home. But the rest…yeah.”

Yuri: *frowns*

Koudelka: *slams palm on the desk* “Dammit. I just…I don’t know what to do.”

Yuri: “You’re really worried about this.”

Koudelka: “Aren’t you?”

Yuri: “Honestly…I’ve been trying not to think about it.”

(cid comes out and walks over to them)

Cid: “How’s it going?”

Koudelka: “How do you think?”

Cid: “You know a bunch of us have been trying to come up with some kind of plan. We could use you guys.”

Koudelka: “What kind of plan?”

Cid: “A battle plan. A way to get these bastards sealed up again.”

Koudelka: “I don’t think I’d be much help with that.”

Yuri: “Are you kidding? Can’t you read their minds or tell the future or something?”

Koudelka: *angrily* “Yeah, Yuri! I can read the minds of some maniacs I’ve never even met!”

Yuri: “You saw that Ganon guy!”

Koudelka: “Do you see him here now? My powers don’t travel, you know.”

Yuri: “But what about a future reading?”

Koudelka: “That’s useless. It’s too unpredictable. And what am I supposed to do? Read my own damn future?”

Yuri: “At least it’s *something*!”

Koudelka: “Why don’t you stop bothering me and think of something *you* can do??”

Yuri: “I’ll do whatever I can. But don’t act like you’re useless, Koudelka, when you damn well know you’re not!”

(she stares at him for a moment before sitting down at the desk, her head in her hands)

Koudelka: “It’s all well and good to think of way to stop these monsters. That’s what they *should* be doing. But right now I think I have to concentrate on protecting these kids.”

Cid: “I ain’t about to let anybody lay a #$%@#$% hand on any of these damn kids!”

Yuri: “Me neither.”

Koudelka: *looks at them* “Glad to hear it. But I doubt you’ll be able to do much if they actually show up.”

Cid: “Hey! I think you underestimate what I’m capable of!”

Koudelka: “No, Cid. I think you’re underestimating what *they’re* capable of.”

(just then the ground starts to shake. They all look panicked. Zidane runs to the door of the daycare room)

Zidane: “What the hell is that?”

(cid doesn’t answer, he just runs outside. Koudelka and yuri are quick to follow him. Outside there is a giant shadow on the ground. One by one all their eyes move up towards the sky. Gliding by them in the direction of the ramble complex…is l-block.)

Cid: “#@$@$%#^%@#^$%^#@$%^&.”


(meanwhile, at the ramble room, a bunch of the gang, including the belmonts, dante and alucard are gathered in the ramble room still ‘discussing’ things)

Tifa: “It’s been hours and we still haven’t heard from Zack!”

Richter: “Clearly he’s making no progress! What are we supposed to do?”

Rufus: “Who cares what kind of progress he’s making? We’re sending that guy out there whether he knows what he’s doing or not. He’s our only hope!”

Barret: “Yo! What if he refuses to fight?”

Alucard: “I don’t think we have a choice but to trust him at this point.”

Richter: “Easy for you to say, Vampire! You’ve got nothing invested in this!”

Alucard: “*Excuse* me, Richter Belmont? Last time I checked *I* was your elder!”

Juste: “Son, please!”

Richter: “No! I am sick of being held back! If we don’t act, they will!”

Sephiroth: “I agree, but at the same time we don’t want to rush in there and accomplish nothing! And the odds of that—“

(but before he can finish speaking, the ground starts shaking. Everyone looks panicked)

Rinoa: “What’s that?”

Laguna: “Feels like another earthquake!”

Vincent: “I’m afraid this is no earthquake.”

Richter: “The monster!”

(he runs out of the room. Everyone follows. They all run outside to where they see ganon standing in the road, l-block and Specter, on a floating chair, beside him. Brady, Lark and the other girls go to rush into the yard but sephiroth holds them back at the door. Alucard is also hanging back on the porch out of the sun.)

Sephiroth: “Stay back.”

Lark: “But—“

Sephiroth: “I said STAY BACK!”

Richter: “You monster! What have you done with my son?!”

Ganon: “It seems you have not taken my threats seriously. So I came in person to tell you this is no joke. This domain is ours now. Go back to your own worlds or I will kill all who remain here. You have three days.”

Richter: “Give back my son!”

Ganon: “Three days. And just to show I’m serious…” *snaps fingers*

(as soon as he snaps his fingers, dracula’s castle explodes. Pieces of stone go flying everywhere. Alucard’s eyes go wide and he runs off the porch—into the sun)

Alucard: “DAD!!! BROTHER!” *steps into the sunlight* “Arggh!!”

Dante: “Al, no!”

(he grabs him and pulls him back onto the porch. Alucard struggles a bit but he’s pretty badly burned on his hands. Sephiroth grabs him by the shoulders)

Dante: “I’ll go! Stay here!”

(dante takes off towards the castle, as do zell, Vincent and auron. Everyone else is kind of just running around in confusion, yelling things at each other. Ganon and the others are retreating, and richter is trying to run after them, yelling and throwing weapons. cid runs up, totally out of breath.)

Cid: “What happened?? What happened??”

Barret: “Marlene?! Marlene?! Marlene’s gone!”

Tifa: “What??”

Barret: “She was right here! Now she ain’t! MARLENE!”

Marlene’s voice: “Daddy!!”

(barret turns around to see marlene being dragged away by several of ganon’s goons.)

Barret: “Marlene!” *raises gun arm*

Tifa: *shoves it down* “No! You might hit her!”

(before barret can do anything else there is a growling noise and red is seen leaping towards them. He gets one pretty good, but unfortunately the others all gang up on him and smack him down)

Barret: “Red!”

(cid, barret, tifa and yuffie all go running over. Ganon’s minions have retreated with marlene and are gone.)

Barret: “Damn, @#$%@#@#$%@#! They got her!”

Cid: “@#@#$@^#&$%%@$&!”

Yuffie: “Red? Are you okay?”

Red: “I’ll live.” *slowly gets back up*

Tifa: “Are you sure?”

Red: “Yes.”

Barret: “Yo…Red. You went after my daughter.”

Red: “I did.”

Barret: “…………Thanks.”

Red: “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to save her.”

Barret: “Yo, don’t you worry about it. We gonna get her back.” *looks at cid* “We gonna get them all back.”

Cid: “#@#$%%^@#^!”

(richter comes back, looking upset and out of breath. Over at the castle, dante and the others are working to get Dracula and d out of the castle wreckage, which is also on fire. Tseng, rude and reno have gone to help them. Meanwhile, sephiroth is sitting with alucard, who is crying and cradling his hands. Lark and the others just stand there surveying the scene)

Lark: “We don’t have a choice now.”

Shell: “…I’m really scared.”

Ashley: “Me too.”

Lark: “Me too. But they need us.”

Shell: “So what do we do now?”

(lark scans the crowd and spots seifer standing there looking kind of helpless.)

Lark: “Seifer!!”

(he runs over to her.)

Seifer: “What?”

Lark: “Once everything settles down, spread the word. Everybody has to go back to their own worlds—“

Ashley: “WHAT?”

Lark: “–And get whoever they can to come back here and help.” *looks at sephiroth who nods* “At this point we’re gonna need every man we can get.”


(some time later, everyone calms down and seifer starts to spread the message. Everyone fans off in all directions. But richter, hugh and zell go to the hospital to visit franswa. They come into his room and he’s lying down facing the wall)

Zell: “Hey, buddy!”

Franswa: *doesn’t turn around* “What.”

Richter: “How are you feeling, son?”

Franswa: “Did you get Duke back yet?”

Richter: “No… But we’re working very hard on it.”

Franswa: “Then can I come home now?”

Richter: “No, not yet. You’re not nearly ready for that.”

Franswa: “I *told* them to *tell* everyone that I *didn’t* want visitors unless I could come home or Duke was found!”

Everyone: “……………”

Zell: “I know you’re still feeling kinda down, but—“

Franswa: *snort*

Richter: “Franswa Ashton Belmont! I did not bring you up this way!”

Franswa: “Yeah. You brought me up to be a Belmont and I failed too there, didn’t I, *dad*.”

Richter: “Franswa, you are being far too hard on yourself. I don’t think any one man was capable of protecting your brother no matter what kind of training he had!”

Franswa: “You don’t have to say that to make your *failure* feel better, dad.”

Richter: *exasperated* “I cannot – I cannot *deal* with this right now.”

(he stalks out of the room. Zell and hugh exchange a look. Franswa is still facing the wall.)

Zell: “Hey, Franswa… Do you think you could look at us at least?”

Franswa: “Why? So you can see what failure looks like?”

Zell: *very upset* “Franswa, stop it! I know you’re upset, but everybody else is too! You’re not a failure! You’re-you’re-I just love you, okay?”

(zell then flees the room trying not to cry. The door slams shut. Then franswa turns around and looks at hugh.)

Franswa: “Hugh. You understand.”

Hugh: “Franswa, I don’t think *you* understand how bad things are outside this room right now.”

Franswa: “That’s because they won’t let me leave!”

Hugh: “You’re not well enough, cousin! This isn’t just the case of a missing child anymore. Everyone is calling this war!”

Franswa: “But they should let me fight! Fight for my brother! He’d do it for me!”

Hugh: “He’s just a baby—“

Franswa: “I *still* know he would!”

(there’s silence. Hugh looks uncomfortable.)

Hugh: “Your father and Zell…love you. They just want to help. *I* just want to help.”

Franswa: “The only way you can help me now, Hugh, is by getting me out of here.”

(franswa lies back down and turns away again. Hugh sighs sadly and heads for the door. Once there he pauses and turns back.)

Hugh: “You know…even after I learned you weren’t really a fighter…I still looked up to you, Franswa.”

(hugh walks out of the room. And franswa, his eyes squeezed tightly shut, is once again alone.)


(meanwhile, while everyone else is busy doing their part to help, argath and algus are helping…themselves. They are in a room with their slaves and going over the will again.)

Argath: *sees atsuma and crazy pizza* “What is this?”

Algus: “My slaves.”

Argath: “They’re…different. And multiplied.” *pause* “And one is rather scary.”

Crazy Pizza: “Hehe!”

Algus: “Believe it or not he makes quite delicious pizza.”

(atsuma is looking between algus and argath with his mouth open)

Atsuma: “Hey… You guys are like…the same.”

Argath: “Why do you have slaves who speak?”

Algus: “Be quiet, slave. And sit down.”

(they all sit down algus and argath have the will between them)

Argath: “Let’s get back to business then, shall we? Let’s tackle the matter of Uncle’s winter retreat at the base of Mt. Gillmore.”

Both: “I want it!” *glare*

Algus: “Let’s try and settle this in an amicable manner.”

Argath: “Agreed.”

Algus: “I don’t think you should get it, dear brother, because you would simply turn around and sell it to the highest bidder without so much as a second thought.”

Argath: “Me! Sell it? Why you would donate it to charity for the tax write off!”

Algus: *gasps* “How dare you insinuate I would donate anything to charity! You would probably turn it into a shelter for homeless peasants who are too poor and lazy to afford their own homes!”

Argath: *gasps* Take that back!”

Atsuma: *loudly whispers to crazy pizza* “Are you following this?”

Algus: “Perhaps we should move on to something else.”

Argath: “Very well. How about Uncle’s 400 acre apple orchard? Approximate value, 4.5 million dollars.”

Both: “I want it!” *glare*

Algus: “You? You couldn’t possibly appreciate anything that grows from the earth!”

Argath: “Is this your idea of a joke? I have many fond memories of swinging from those trees while you chose to use that metal detector of yours to search for coins!”

Algus: “You tried to steal that detector from me repeatedly!”

Both: *glare at each other*

Atsuma: “Twins!”

Algus and Argath: *turn to glare at him*

Atsuma: *slinks back* “I…I just thought of the word…just now.”

Argath: “I’m sorry, but how stupid is this slave?”

Atsuma: “Hey! I’m not stupid!”

Algus: *looks at the ceiling* “…Your fly is open.”

Atsuma: “Oh.” *zips it up* “Thanks.”

Argath: *thoughtfully* “Let’s see if he can count to ten.”

Algus: “Please! We have more important things to do than test the intelligence of my slave! We are getting absolutely nowhere with this document!”

Argath: “Well it certainly isn’t my fault that you refuse to cooperate.”

Algus: “Me??”

Argath: “Yes. You refuse to give me anything I want.”

Algus: “But you want everything!”

Argath: “As do you!”

Both: *glare*

Atsuma: “Once I really wanted this pie that Makoto made, but he was like, ‘Oh, I made it for Toya you stupid fatass!’ But I really wanted some, so Toya said it would be fair if we split it. So we did.”

(algus and argath turn and look at atsuma in disbelief)

Argath: “…I’m sorry…but did your slave just tell a story of his life?”

Algus: “No! He must have read it in a book! He has no life of his own!”

Argath: *gasp* “He’s literate?!”

Algus: “Argath! Are we ever going to sort things out with this will?”

Argath: “I’m sorry, brother. You’re right. We should work to get this settled so that I may leave this horrible, horrible place you regrettably call home.”

Algus: “Let’s start with one of the lower priced items then.” *glances at will* “Ah, here we are. Uncle’s favorite foot stool. Made of wood, nothing particularly special about it at all.”

Both: “I want it!” *glare*


(it’s much later that night. Lark can’t sleep. So she gets up and leaves her room. Everything is quiet, but she sees a light on in the ramble room. She goes in and sees rufus sitting at the table, hunched over a photo album)

Lark: “Rufus?”

Rufus: *jumps* “Oh! Lark! You startled me.”

Lark: “Sorry.” *pause* “Trouble sleeping?”

Rufus: “And not my first night like this. You?”

Lark: “Yeah.”

Rufus: *pulls out chair* “Have a seat.”

(she sits next to him and looks at the photo album. It’s full of pictures of max, rufus jr. and lily. Rufus notices her looking and points to a picture of rufus jr. in a baby swing)

Rufus: “This is Rufus Jr.”

Lark: “He’s adorable.”

Rufus: *small voice* “Hopefully you’ll get to meet him some day.”

Lark: “Don’t say that. Of course I will.”

Rufus: “I had to have Zack prescribe some sleeping pills for Elena. She’s even worse than I am. The kids were ripped right from her arms.”

Lark: “She has been pretty quiet.”

Rufus: “I know she feels guilty. But at the same time, I’m glad she didn’t put up more of a fight. Then I might have lost her too.”

Lark: “Rufus you know we’re gonna get them all back.”

Rufus: “It’s hard to be optimistic sometimes.”

Lark: “I know. But I need you to be. You’re a leader around here. Believe it or not other people look up to you.”

Rufus: “I don’t know about that, Lark. You weren’t around when I gave everybody Rufus brand diet pills.” *small smile*

Lark: *laughs* “Did you really?”

Rufus: “I thought I was being nice, not calling everyone fat!”

(they laugh lightly. Then reeve and tseng enter. They’re still dressed.)

Rufus: “You’re back. How did it go?”

Reeve: “Well, getting the Shinra Army on board was as easy as saying it was an order from you.”

Tseng: “But that’s pretty much it.”

Lark: “Well that’s still good!”

Rufus: “The Shinra Army isn’t exactly huge, but at least we know we’ll have a few hundred more people behind us.”

Lark: “You two must be tired.”

Reeve: “Not really.”

Tseng: “I think we’re both too…wound up to sleep.”

Rufus: “Join the club.”

(reeve and tseng take the other two seats at the table.)

Reeve: “I wonder how everyone else is doing.”

Lark: “We’ll find out tomorrow, I guess.”

Rufus: “We could have a thousand people and I still won’t feel good about it. The *destruction* these guys are capable of…that castle exploded like it was made of paper!”

Tseng: “At least D and Dracula were okay.”

Reeve: “Yeah, but if they were human…they probably wouldn’t be.”

(there’s voices in the hallway. Moments later sephiroth and Vincent enter the room, holding hands.)

Sephiroth: “I thought I heard voices.”

Lark: “You two couldn’t sleep either?”

Sephiroth: “Not at all.”

(he and Vincent go over and sit on the couch)

Vincent: “The events from the past few days just keep running through my head.”

Sephiroth: “Did you guys manage to get any help?”

Reeve: “The Shinra Army. But that’s about it.”

Sephiroth: “Not bad. SOLDIER?”

Tseng: *nods* “They’re part of the package.”

Sephiroth: “There’s a big difference there.”

Tseng: “I know.”

Lark: “Did you talk to Alucard at all today?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah… He’s okay. His hands are burnt pretty badly and they really hurt, but he’s lucky the rest of his body was pretty well covered.”

Lark: “What about Dracula and D?”

Sephiroth: “They’re okay. Dracula already forgot what happened. He kept talking about what an awesome time he had searching for fossils in the ice cream ocean.”

Rufus: “Times like this make you wish you had his memory…”

Sephiroth: “Who else left anyway?”

Lark: “Oh, Locke and Shadow. Selphie and Quistis. Steiner and Vivi. Tidus and Kimahri. Delita from the strip club. Juste Belmont went to seek out the rest of their clan. I sent Seifer and Ashley to pay Gundam Wing a visit. I know they’ll help.”

Sephiroth: “I never thought I’d say this…but thank god for that. Those Gundams will be a huge help.”

Reeve: “Especially if they have tanks and planes.”

Sephiroth: “Ground forces are no match for vehicles.”

Lark: “Tomorrow, once everyone’s back, we’ll make the plan.” *looks at sephiroth* “I think you should do it.”

Sephiroth: “Me?”

Lark: “Why are you acting surprised? You’re a General, aren’t you?”

Sephiroth: “…I *was*…”

Lark: “Sephiroth!”

Sephiroth: “What?”

Lark: “You’re cocky every other day of your life. Don’t lose it now.”

Vincent: *smiles at him* “You can do it, angel.”

(sephiroth looks at Vincent and then nods)

Sephiroth: “Okay. I’ll do it. But I’ll need a list of everyone’s weapons and specialties.”

Tseng: “Leave that to me and Reeve.”

(there’s a loud knocking coming from the front door of the complex)

Lark: *gets up* “Who could that be?”

Rufus: “Maybe someone else is back?”

Reeve: “Why wouldn’t they just let themselves in like Tseng and I did?”

(lark goes to head toward the door, but sephiroth gets up and rushes in that direction.)

Sephiroth: “Let me get it.”

(But the others follow him to the door. Sephiroth opens it…and it’s nightmare and nemesis)

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Sephiroth: “What are you doing here?”

Nightmare: “Nightmare is sorry if we woke you!”

Sephiroth: “No, we were awake. What are you doing here?”

(nightmare and nemesis exchange a look)

Nightmare: “Nightmare and Nemesis came to speak to you! We are getting together an alliance against Ganon and his followers!”

Lark: “You are?”

Nemesis: *nods* “STARS!”

Nightmare: “Bowser sent us! He was the one who set them loose!”

Rufus: “He did it?!”

Sephiroth: “Why?!”

Nightmare: “Ganon had threatened his family, but he took son anyway!”

Nemesis: *nods* “STARS!”

Lark: “Oh my god…”

Sephiroth: “So you’re forming an alliance? Of who? Villains?”

Nightmare: “Yes! We are contacting all members of the society! Nightmare and Nemesis have been up all night! Nightmare missed audition for Pirates of Penzance for this! This more important!”

Sephiroth: “We’ve been putting together an army of our own. Maybe we should join together. The greater our numbers, the better our chance of victory.”

(nightmare and nemesis look at each other. Nemesis just shrugs)

Nightmare: “Nightmare will have to run this by Bowser! But does not think it will be a problem. He is very intent on destroying Ganon.”

Lark: “Aren’t we all.”


(a new day dawns. It’s early, and rather quiet. Auron is sitting in the ramble room by himself drinking a cup of coffee when reno stumbles in. he looks like he didn’t sleep at all. He goes straight over to the couch and just drops down on it. Auron stares at him)

Auron: “Hard night?”

Reno: “Every night’s a hard night.”

Auron: “You seem like you’re still upset over what happened to your friend.”

Reno: “You’re about as deep as a kiddie pool.”

Auron: “Why are you mad me?”

Reno: “Look, buddy. I didn’t come in here to #@$#%^$ chat.”

Auron: “I don’t think you’re just mad at yourself.”

Reno: “………………”

Auron: “You have to let go of your anger at that person, before you can begin to forgive yourself.”

Reno: *mutters* “It ain’t that easy.”

Auron: “I didn’t say it was. But you can’t live the rest of your life like this, can you?”

(reno doesn’t answer. He just turns away.)


(meanwhile, a short time later, sephiroth gets up and walks over to lark’s room. He pauses outside, noticing the door is open a crack. He frowns)

Sephiroth: “Lark?”

(he frowns some more.)

Sephiroth: “Lark?”

(still not hearing an answer, sephiroth pushes the door open and walks into the room. There he sees lark coming out of the bathroom in her pajamas, a pregnancy test in her hand. She looks up at him in surprise. His eyes go straight to the test)

Lark: “What are you doing?”

Sephiroth: “Uh…the door was open. I called, but you didn’t answer.  I thought you were in trouble, so I…”

Lark: *hides the test behind her back* “Well I’m fine! You can go!”

(sephiroth hesitates, but he walks to the door. His back to her, he stops)

Sephiroth: “…Are you?”

Lark: “What?”

(sephiroth looks in her direction, but his eyes are to the floor)

Sephiroth: “…Are you.”

Lark: “……Yeah.”

(she plops down on the bed. Sephiroth walks over and sits next to her.)

Lark: “I don’t believe this. I mean, I’m not upset, not really, but… I’m just confused…and scared…”

Sephiroth: “Does Brady know?”

Lark: “No! No! I had a suspicion, so I… I just found out right now.”

Sephiroth: “I’m sure he’ll be happy.”

Lark: “Normally, yeah! Normally I’d be too, once the shock wore off! But here…! Now…? With all that’s going on…”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “You’re in danger.”

Lark: “……………”

Sephiroth: “You should leave.”

Lark: “I can’t leave! You guys need me!”

Sephiroth: “But what if he comes after you now?”

Lark: “Maybe he won’t know. How could he know?”

Sephiroth: “I don’t like this, Lark.”

Lark: “You can’t tell anyone about this, Sephiroth. Not even Brady. He’ll definitely make me go back if he finds out.”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “…………”

Lark: *stands and faces him* “Sephiroth, please! Promise me! Without me, there’s no way you can get rid of Ganon. I have to finish what I was sent here to do.”

Sephiroth: *stands* “Fine, Lark. I promise.”

(lark then bursts into tears. She grabs sephiroth and hugs him hard.)

Lark: “……I’m really scared……”

Sephiroth: “Don’t worry. I’ll protect you.”


(meanwhile, over at dante’s, things are pretty crowded. Dracula, d, alucard, Lloyd, nero and dante himself are in the living room. Alucard’s hands are wrapped in gauze and he’s sitting on the couch looking down. The others are all loading, sharpening and polishing various weapons. Dracula is also not doing this. He is sitting on the couch next to alucard)

Dracula: “What happened to your hands, Alucard?”

Alucard: “They got burned, dad.”

Dracula: “Did Sprinkles do that to you, Alucard? That Dragon cannot control his temper! You know he told me that I had the horns of a hippo? Me!”

Alucard: *dully* “You don’t have horns, dad. And neither do hippos.”

Dracula: *touches his ears* “Then what are these things on the side of my head, Alucard?” *pulls them off* “…Why did things get so quiet?”

(alucard helps him put his ears back on. But he can’t do much with the bandages on his hands.)

D: “Allow me, brother.”

Alucard: “…Thanks.”

(D helps Dracula put his ears back on.)

Dracula: “There we go! Now I can hear all the barnyard noises!”

Alucard: “You’re not in a barn.”

Dante: “I don’t know about that…Nero and Lloyd are pretty close to what you might find in one.”

Lloyd: “Shut the hell up, Dante! You act like you were raised in a barn!”

Dante: “You’re the one with the hay in his hair.”

Lloyd: “What the hell?!” *touches his hair* “F**king Nero!”

Nero: “It wasn’t me! Where would I get hay from?”

Lloyd: “You probably eat it or something!”

Dracula: “I eat hay!” *picks some up and eats it* “Ew…no I don’t.”

D: “So when are we going to go over the strategy for this battle?”

Alucard: “Later today. Once everyone is prepared.”

Dante: “I’m not worried about it. If demons can’t take me down there’s no way pigs or monkeys or blocks or whatever is gonna do it.”

Nero: “My arm is really useful in battle, Dante.”

Dante: “Keep that thing away from me.”

Nero: “Maybe Alucard wouldn’t mind touching it.”

Dante: “Stay away from Alucard!”

Alucard: “I talked to Uncle Herb yesterday. He was going to get a group together to come help.”

D: “I hope it’s not sunny tomorrow.”

Dante: “I talked to the boys down at the strip club. They’re all in. Chris seemed a little too excited about it, really.  I really didn’t need to know he keeps a gun in his underwear.”

Lloyd: “Looks like we’ll be fighting side by side for once, Dante!”

Dante: “I could ask for worse.”

Nero: “We can all fight together!”

Dante: “…There it is.”

Alucard: *frowns* “With my hands like this… I don’t know if I can fight at all. I can’t grip a sword.”

D: “You might have to force yourself to hold a weapon. It may hurt, but sometimes you have to.”

Alucard: “Then that’s what I’ll do.”

Dracula: “And I’ll ride on Sprinkles! He breathes fire!”

Dante: “You know…getting the dragon involved might not be a bad idea…”

Dracula: “Together we’ll go to the land of Fantasia!”

Alucard: “Oh boy.”

Dracula: “I’m gonna kick Falcor’s ass!”

D: “Too bad the castle’s in ruins. There were tons of weapons in the basement.”

Dracula: “We even had a catapult! I know ‘cause I used to fling myself with it! …Then I’d break.”

Alucard: “I don’t think too many people really use flails or bows anymore anyway.”

Dracula: “I also shot myself out of a cannon!” *pause* “It didn’t end well…”

Dante: “I think we’ll get by on what we’ve got. My only problem is, *Sephiroth’s* putting together the battle plan?”

Alucard: “I trust him.”

Dante: *raises an eyebrow*

Alucard: “I know, I know. But this is one thing he can handle.”


(back over at the ramble room, zidane walks into to the tv room to find algus, argath and their slaves present. They’re watching some financial show.)

Zidane: “Algus! There you are! I need your help.”

Algus: “What a surprise. The monkey comes to the master for assistance.”

Zidane: “You don’t have to be a jerk about it.” *see atsuma and crazy pizza* “Who’s this? And what the heck’s that?”

Algus: “That is my new slave and his…assistant.”

Zidane: “You mean your slave has a slave?”

Atsuma: “Hey! I’m Atsuma! And this is Crazy Pizza!”

Crazy Pizza: “Hehehe!”

Zidane: *staring at crazy pizza* “I think I’ve finally seen it all…”

Algus: “What do you want from me, Zidane?”

Zidane: “I need your help! Now that Sunshine is too busy with this whole ‘everyone’s gonna die’ mess, she doesn’t have time for my court case! You have a lot of experience with wills, so I thought you could help me deal with Kuja.”

Algus: “And why on earth should I help you?”

Zidane: “C’mon, Algus! Please?”

Argath: “A problem with a will, eh?” *snort* “I’m afraid my brother doesn’t have half the skill or experience that I have.”

Algus: *glares at argath* “Very well, Zidane. I will help you.”

Zidane: “Great! Let’s go to loser land.”

Algus: “Come slaves!”

Argath: “I must be a witness to this hilarity.”

(they all troop over to loser land where they knock on the door…and wait.)

Zidane: “So you’re Algus’ new slave, huh?”

Atsuma: “Who? Me?”

Zidane: “Uh, yeah.”

Atsuma: “Oh yeah! I’m his…whatever you just said.”

Zidane: “How do you like it so far?”

Atsuma: “I once slept on a floor, and people are always yelling at me, so…it’s kinda like normal, ya know?”

Zidane: “I like talking to you. It makes me feel smart.”

Algus: “Zidane, stop talking to my slave.”

Argath: “Why are the slaves at this residence not promptly answering the door?”

Algus: “They do not have slaves here.”

Argath: “What?? And you plan to go inside anyway?”

Zidane: *observing the brothers* “Yeah… Having two of them is pretty bad, but it could be worse. They could be triplets.”

Algus and Argath: *snort*

Algus: “We were, once.”

Zidane: “What?”

Argath: “We had triplet brother, Angor.”

Algus: “Sadly, there was…an unfortunate accident.”

Argath: “But we got to split his trust fund.”

Algus: “Yes, so, no harm done really.”

Zidane: *wide eyed horror*

(finally the door opens. It’s kuja)

Kuja: “Oh, it’s you.” *sees crazy pizza* “You brought snacks?”

Zidane: “Kuja! We need to talk.”

Kuja: *sigh* “Fine. But only because I’m waiting for my toe nails to dry.”

(everybody comes in. the only other one there is Heidegger. He spots crazy pizza and wanders over)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Food that walks!”

Crazy Pizza: *inches away*

Zidane: “Kuja, you are not going to get this money. Algus has tons of experience with debating wills and he knows how this whole process works.”

Argath: “It smells in here…like something beyond identification.”

Algus: “It does.”

Zidane: “Algus!”

Algus: “What?”

Zidane: *loudly whispers* “You said you’d help me!”

Algus: “Oh. Yes. Right. Well, um, transvestite person, Zidane has a very good lawyer, so this will not be an easy fight for you to win.”

Kuja: “I have a good lawyer too!”

Algus: “Oh. Do you?”

Kuja: “Of course. What do you take me for? Just because I’m pretty doesn’t mean I’m stupid.”

Algus: “I see.” *shrugs* “Then what more can I say? You’ll probably be fighting this one out for years then.”

Zidane: “Years?”

Argath: “I remember the fight over Aunt Giselda’s manor.”

Algus: “We were in court for nearly a decade. Finally father just died, so we got her entire estate.”

Argath: *smiles* “And his to boot!”

Kuja: “I don’t care how long it takes. I’m getting that money.”

Zidane: “Oh yeah? Well same here! I’m not giving up!”

Atsuma: “AHHH!!! Crazy Pizza man!! No!!”

(everyone turns to where crazy pizza man’s head is inside heidegger’s mouth. His feet stick out, kicking wildly. Atsuma grabs his feet and tries to pull him out.)

Heidegger: *mouth full* “Gya haa haa! Tastes vaguely of people!”

(zidane rushes over to help, and together they wrestle crazy pizza free of heidegger’s mouth of death. There is, however, a large bite taken out of his head.)

Atsuma: “What the hell, man?? Crazy Pizza man’s not for eating!”

Crazy Pizza: *angrily* “Hehehehe!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I can’t help myself!”

Argath: “Well I’m thoroughly disturbed. Can we leave now?”

Algus: “Let’s leave before the obese man eats all our slaves.”

(they go to leave with their slaves. Zidane follows)

Zidane: “You’re going down, Kuja!”

Kuja: “We shall see, Zidane! We shall see!”

(so zidane and his gang leave)

Zidane: “Can you believe that guy?”

Atsuma: “You mean the guy who tried to eat Crazy Pizza man?”

Zidane: “No! Kuja! Why won’t he just give it up?”

Argath: “By the way, Algus, we really should get back to work on the will.”

Algus: “I’m not sitting down with you again until you agree to give *me* the foot stool!”

Argath: “Over my dead body!”

Atsuma: “I don’t know if your head will ever be the same, Crazy Pizza Man.”

Crazy Pizza: *sadly hangs head*

Zidane: “I mean, I’m the one who deserves the money!”

Algus: “I *deserve* the foot stool!”

Argath: “And why is that?”

Algus: “Because my feet are far nicer than yours, and they deserve the rest.”

Argath: “How *dare* you!”

Zidane and Algus: *overlapping* “When I’m done with Kuja/you, he’ll/you’ll be begging me to take the money/foot stool!”

(zidane and algus pause in alarm and look at one another)

Zidane: “…What did you just say?”

Algus: “What did *you* just say?”

Atsuma: *rubbing the back of his neck* “Uh, I think you both pretty much said the same thing. Is it lunch time yet?”

Zidane: *shakes head to clear it* “Yeah, lunch sounds good. Let’s get some pizza.”

Crazy Pizza: *cry of horror*

Zidane: “Uh…never mind.”


(meanwhile, over at the therapy center, koudelka is sitting at the front desk looking restless. Yuri is walking down the hall. He peeks inside the daycare room before walking over to her.)

Yuri: “Where’s Zidane?”

Koudelka: “I told him to stay home. There are only four kids to watch, and one of those kids is 14. I think Cid can handle it.”

Cid’s voice: “#$%#@#$%^&*$#&!”

Yuri: *smiles* “You sure about that?”

Koudelka: “………”

Yuri: “C’mon, Koudelka! I’m trying to cheer you up!”

Koudelka: “You heard about Marlene, didn’t you?”

Yuri: *frowns* “Yeah. I did.”

Koudelka: “There’s no such thing as being cheery right now, Yuri.”

(cid comes over to them)

Yuri: “What was all that cursing about?”

Cid: “I am never playing Gator Golf with those kids again!”

(there is a loud booming sound. Koudelka leaps out of her chair)

Koudelka: “What was that?”

(they all listen, but there’s only silence.)

Koudelka: “Did you hear that?”

Yuri: “I thought I heard something…”

(again they listen, but there is only silence.)

Koudelka: *sits again* “Maybe I’m hearing things…”

Cid: “Sounded like some kinda explosion…”

Koudelka: “I think I’m just a little on edge these days.”

Cid: “We all are. Well, I better get back to the kids.”

(he turns around to head back, but he stops when he sees radius hobbling down the hallway as fast as he can)

Radius: “FIRE!!”

Cid, Yuri and Koudelka: *on their feet and looking at him* “WHAT?!”

Radius: “The whole place is on fire back there! I was watching TV when a bomb came through the window!”

Koudelka: “Get the kids out of here!”

(koudelka and cid run for the daycare room while yuri helps radius towards the exit. The kids are still calmly playing games)

Cid: “C’mon, kids! We gotta get outta here! The building’s on fire!”

Kids: *terrified gasps*

Koudelka: “Don’t panic, okay? Everybody just follow us out of the building.”

(she grabs halley’s hand, halley grabs eiko’s hand, marcy grabs her hand and van grabs her hand. Koudelka takes cid’s hand. And they all head for the exit. Everyone gets outside safely and they all drop hands. Once there, koudelka turns around and watches the out of control flames reaching for the sky. She appears to be in shock)

Yuri: *running over* “I just called the fire department!” *looks around* “Where are the kids?”

Koudelka: “They’re right—“ *the kids are gone and she panics* “They were right here!”

Yuri: “Where’s Cid?”

Cid’s voice: “You $##$%^#$^&*#&*$#%&*!”

(koudelka and yuri look at one another and then take off in the direction of cid’s voice. They find him on the side of the building, crouched down holding his shoulder in pain. In the air floats specter, next to him are the children, encased in some kind of floating cage.)

Koudelka: “Halley!”

Halley: “Mommy!”

Specter: “Now that I got what I came for, I’ll be leaving. By the way, I think your center’s on fire!!”

(with horrible cackling laughter he and the children disappear. Koudelka falls to her knees in shock.)

Koudelka: “….Halley…”

Yuri: “What happened?”

Cid: “I dunno! As soon as the kids got outside that whack job imprisoned them in that box! I tried to stop him, but…” *winces in pain*

Yuri: “You okay?”

Cid: “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I can’t believe I let that bastard get away!”

(yuri goes over and puts a hand on koudelka’s shoulder)

Yuri: “Koudelka…? You okay…?”

Koudelka: *in shock* “They’ve…taken everything from me.”

(and yuri can do nothing except put an arm around her as their center burns to ashes behind them.)


(back at the ramble room…it seems algus is showing atsuma and crazy pizza around the ramble room. They’re at the porch swing)

Algus: “And this is the porch swing. It’s not too popular but it serves it’s purpose.”

Atsuma: “Cool! It’s for sitting! It get it.”

Algus: “I’m surprised you do.”

(atsuma goes to sit on it, but algus stops him)

Algus: “I don’t think so! Not just anybody is allowed to sit on the porch swing.” *sits on it*

Atsuma: *frowns* “Can I sit on this railing then?”

Algus: “No.”

Atsuma: “Can I sit on the floor?”

Algus: “No! I need my slaves standing at all times! That way if I need you, you’re already on your feet and ready to run off at a moment’s notice.”

Atsuma: “Oh, okay. Gotcha.” *pause* “So can I sit now?”

Algus: *groans and puts a hand to his head*

Atsuma: “I’m hungry.”

Algus: “You just had lunch.”

Atsuma: “Yeah, but, two pixie sticks aren’t really lunch.”

Algus: “You should be glad you got two! Most peasants would kill for two!”

Atsuma: “I could really go for a hamburger. I’m gonna go grab one. You want one too?”

Algus: “Where do you think you’re going?”

Atsuma: “Uh…I’m pretty sure I was just talking about going to get a hamburger, but…maybe I’m wrong.”

Algus: “You’re not allowed to go off on your own! You’re my slave!”

Atsuma: “Okay…so you wanna come with?”

Algus: “No! Are you not grasping the concept of being a slave? You are *my* slave! Therefore you can only do what *I* tell you! You cannot go off on your own whenever you feel like it!”

Atsuma: “Ohhhhh! I get it! So you don’t want me wandering off by myself without telling you first! That’s cool! Toya makes me tell him where I’m going too. ‘Cause sometimes I get lost and he has to come find me.”

Algus: “…………”

Atsuma: “…………”

Algus: “……………”

Atsuma: “………Sooooo….hamburger?”

Algus: “No! No hamburger! You are a complete idiot! And you’re fired!”

Atsuma: “Is that a no?”

Algus: “Get out of my sight! And take your pizza sidekick with you!”

(atsuma frowns, but he and crazy pizza man walk off. Rufus comes outside.)

Rufus: “Ah, the porch swing. At least there’s one thing I can count on these days.” *sits*

Algus: “Yes, well you certainly can’t count on finding good help!”

Rufus: “What happened?”

Algus: “I had to fire another slave. This process is not going well. Where am I going to find another at such short notice?”

Rufus: “You let him go? He could have fought with us!”

Algus: “Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be back. I’m not convinced anything gets into that brain of his at all.”

(then yuri, koudelka and cid come stumbling up, radius trailing behind them. They’re covered in ash and look horrible. cid is still grabbing his shoulder. Rufus and algus jump to their feet)

Rufus: “What happened?”

Yuri: “That monkey! He took all the kids and burned down our center!”

Rufus: “WHAT?!”

Koudelka: “Cid’s hurt. Is the doctor here?”

Cid: “I’m fine! We’ve got more important things to worry about!”

Algus: “We could use some assistance out here please!”

Rufus: “So what happened?”

Yuri: “They lit the place on fire and then took the kids when we ran outside to escape. I think they threw a bomb in or something.”

Radius: “It was a bomb! It came right through the window!”

(lark, sephiroth, zell and barret come rushing outside)

Barret: “Yo! What da hell happened? You okay, Cid?”

Cid: “I’m fine. But they took the kids!”

Barret: “Yo’ ass sure as hell ain’t fine if you be talkin’ like that! We gotta get you to the hospital!”

Rufus: “They burned down the center.”

Lark: “They WHAT?”

Zell: “Then they took the kids? All of them?”

Koudelka: *eyes at the floor* “Yes.”

Sephiroth: “Which one did this?”

Yuri: “The monkey! What’s his name?”

Everyone else: “Specter.”

Lark: “Do you think this is about the kids or the fact that you’re not leaving?”

Sephiroth: “Does it matter?”

Lark: “……………” *firmly* “Barret, get Cid to the hospital. Everyone else get inside. As soon as everyone’s gathered we’ll make our plan of attack. We gotta end this.”


(meanwhile, over at zack and cloud’s center…zack is alone in the room with link, and he looks like he’s about at the end of his rope…)

Zack: “Link…please… You gotta do this. Just pick up the sword and stab him! You’re the only one who can! This is your destiny! Doesn’t any of this make sense to you?!”

Link: “#$@#$%^ goats.”

Zack: *head in his hands* “What else can I do?”

(there’s a light knocking on the door.)

Zack: “What?!”

(cloud pokes his head in)

Cloud: “I think you better come out here, Zack.”

Zack: “Cloud, I told you—“

Cloud: “I’m not asking you, Zack.”

(zack looks annoyed, but he does leave the room. In the hallway with cloud are bria, sunshine and maya)

Bria: “How’s it going?”

Zack: “Not well. …He still doesn’t seem to get the concept.” *mutters* “I don’t know what I’m gonna do…”

Sunshine: “Well, I might have an idea about that actually. You see, when I came by earlier to see how everything was going, Cloud told me you were having a tough time getting through to Link. So I started to think about what we could do if he was hopeless.”

Zack: “He can’t be hopeless! There’s no other choice! He’s the only one who can wield the sword!”

Sunshine: “No he’s not. The other Links can as well.”

Zack: “But they’re all dead!”

Maya: “True…but no one’s dead enough for me!”

Zack: “What are you getting at here?”

Sunshine: “We still have the book from Zelda. All the past Links are pictured in there as well. So Maya can channel one of them, and they can fight in this Link’s place!”

Zack: *blink blink* “But channeling someone isn’t *being* them.”

Maya: “It is for me. When I channel someone, I become them completely. Body and mind.”

Cloud: “See? There is another way. So you can take a break.”

Zack: “And you’d be willing to do this? It’ll be dangerous.”

Maya: “I don’t care. I wanna help.”

(zack looks from cloud, to bria, to sunshine and then back to maya. They’re all smiling. He smiles too.)

Zack: “Okay then. I guess someone’s who’s fought Ganon before is a better choice in the long run anyway.”

Bria: “Let’s get back to the ramble room and tell the others.”

(the girls all start to head off. Cloud stays behind with zack)

Cloud: “Don’t feel like you failed.”

Zack: “You know me too well.”

Cloud: “It’s just not his time yet, Zack.”

Zack: “Yeah…” *looks back at link in the room* “I guess you’re right.”


(a few hours later…tseng is on the porch swing talking to barret.)

Tseng: “How’s Cid?”

Barret: “Yo, his ass is fine. Just got this projectile thing shoved in his shoulder. He a tough dude. He’ll still be able to fight tomorrow.”

Tseng: “Good to hear.”

Barret: “We ready to start making our battle plan yet?”

Tseng: “Almost. Everyone’s going to gather in the pool area. A bunch of people have arrived already, but we’re still waiting on a few more people…plus some more information.”

Barret: “What kinda information?”

Tseng: “Apparently they’ve found out where they are.”

Barret: “Who? Who found out?”

Tseng: “I’m not sure. But that’s what I’ve been hearing.”

Barret: “Damn! Maybe we actually got a chance against these here freaks!”

Tseng: “I think we might.”

(barret goes inside as reno walks out. He glares at tseng.)

Tseng: “There you are. How are you?”

Reno: “………………”

Tseng: “We’re gonna need you tomorrow, you know.”

Reno: “I can’t fight.”

Tseng: “Don’t even start that.”

Reno: “After what I did I don’t got any right to ever fight again.”

Tseng: “Reno….”

Reno: “And what the f**k is wrong with you, Tseng? I was careless! Careless! I *chose* to drink the night before a big mission. I thought I’d be fine. But I f**ked up! And you act like it was an accident!”

Tseng: “I know it wasn’t an accident.”

Reno: “Then what the f**k, man?! You said you think I learned my lesson, right? But so what? You told me it wasn’t my fault! Then whose fault f**king was it? Because it sure as hell wasn’t Rude’s!”

Tseng: “I’m your boss, Reno, not your father. *And* I’m your friend. I think you’re looking for someone else to punish you because you know you majorly f**ked up this time. But you’re an adult, Reno. Yeah, I could have Rufus dock your pay or keep you sidelined for awhile – but I think you would want that. But that’s not a real punishment then, is it?”

Reno: “You’re a f**king joke! You can’t be my boss and my friend.”

Tseng: “I have been years. The fact that you want someone to punish you doesn’t change that.”

Reno: “So it’s fine then! I could mess up a million more times and you’re never gonna punish me?”

Tseng: “………Things aren’t always that cut and dry, Reno.”

(and with that tseng walks inside, leaving reno and his frown alone.)


(meanwhile, inside the pool area, a bunch of people have gathered as they wait for the meeting to start. Algus is there, just looking around, when atsuma and pizza man come over to him.)

Atsuma: “Hey, Algus!”

Algus: *blink blink*

Atsuma: “You missed some great hamburgers!”

Algus: *sigh* “I knew it was far too much to ask.”

Atsuma: “Why’re all these people here?”

Algus: “I fired you.”

Atsuma: “I know.”

Algus: “…………”

Atsuma: “……………”

Algus: “Are you not aware what that means?”

Atsuma: “Of course I know what it means!”

Algus: “Then please, enlighten me.”

Atsuma: “Fired! It means you’re firey! Full of life and stuff!”

Algus: *long pause* “……………I don’t know how you’ve lived so long without getting killed…”

Atsuma: *frowns* “I’m wrong?”

Algus: “Yes, you’re wrong, you idiot! Fired means you’re no longer employed by me! You’re not longer in my service! It means I don’t want you as my slave any more!”

Atsuma: “Oh… That’s good. ‘Cause my other guess was that you were going to put me in an oven. You know, like in a fire. Fired. Fire me. And that’s not cool in my book.”

Algus: *in complete disbelief with his head in his hands*

Atsuma: “But it’s cool if you don’t want me to work for you anymore! We can still be friends! Why are all these people here? Are they your friends? Are you having a pool party? I love pool parties. Crazy Pizza man doesn’t, though. He gets all soggy.”

Algus: “We’re here to fight a war. Are you a good fighter?”

Atsuma: “Yeah I am! I learned all kinds of awesome attacks at school!”

Algus: “Good. Then go over there and see my friend Rufus. Maybe you can be of some use after all. We need as many idiots as we can get on the front lines.”

Atsuma: “No problem!”

(so he and crazy pizza wander over to rufus. Algus starts to look around)

Algus: *mutters* “Perhaps I can find a slave in this mass peasant filth.”

(so he starts to look around the room, and he sees this one guy who seems eager to talk to other people, but everyone else is avoiding him. We’ve seen him before, once, at the singles mixer. Algus’ eyes light up and he walks over to him.)

???: “Hi! I’m Zed! I’m really cool once you get to know me!”

Algus: “Hello. I noticed you from across the room and thought ‘that boy would make the perfect slave’.”

Zed: “Really??”

Algus: “Of course. So I was wondering if you’d like to audition for me in hopes of becoming my next totally legal unpaid servant.”

Zed: “Okay! Awesome!”

Algus: “Excellent.”


(meanwhile, in a far away place, halley, eiko, van, marcy, marlene, max, lily, rufus jr., bowser jr. and duke are sitting in a cage in the middle of a deserted room. There are no lights, and there is a computer panel off to one side that blinks occasionally. There is no sign of Zelda.)

Marcy: “….Where do you really think we are, you guys?”

Halley: “I don’t have a good feeling about this place.”

Jr: “I’ve been here longer than all of you except him!” *points to duke* “Why hasn’t anyone come to rescue us yet?”

Halley: “I told you. The adults are working on it.”

Jr: “They’re too slow! By the time they get here, we could be dead!”

Max: *starts to cry*

Eiko: “Great job, you jerk! You made Max cry!”

Jr: “I didn’t say anything that’s not true!”

Marcy: “I’m with jerkface for a change! We shouldn’t just sit around here waiting for the adults to come rescue us!”

Marlene: “But my daddy always says if I get lost to stay where I am.”

Marcy: “You’re not lost! You were kidnapped! I don’t think the adults know where we are!”

Van: “Shush! Someone’s coming!”

(the kids are all quiet as one of ganon’s grunts comes into the room. He goes over to the computer, and pauses a bit before typing in some kind of code. Then he walks off. The kids wait until they can’t hear his footsteps anymore before they relax.)

Halley: “…Oh.”

Eiko: “What?”

Halley: “Our cage is locked by that panel. The code is 7743.”

Marcy: “How do you know that?”

Eiko: “Maybe he’s psycho like his mom!”

Halley: “Psy*chic*.”

Marcy: “Whatever! If we know that, we can get out of here!”

Jr: “Great idea, but how? We can’t reach the panel!”

Eiko: “Can’t you use your psychic powers?”

Halley: “I can’t punch in a code with it.”

(bowser jr. is walking around the cage thinking when he glances up at the ceiling. The ceiling seems to have bigger holes on it)

Jr: “Hey! I bet he can fit through the holes up there!” *points to duke*

Duke: *sucks his thumb*

Marcy: “He’s just a baby!”

Jr: “That is no normal baby! You’ve seen the stuff he’s done!”

Marcy: “But he still doesn’t know numbers!”

Jr: “I don’t hear any other ideas!”

Halley: “Maybe it’s worth a try…”

Marlene: “Yeah, but, even if we open this cage, where we gonna go? We don’t know how to get out of here!”

Marcy: “We’ll worry about that later. Let me get on your shoulders, Van.”

Van: “Why me?”

Marcy: “You’re the tallest! I’ll hold the baby up and we’ll see what happens.”

(she grabs duke and with the help of the other older kids she climbs onto van’s shoulders. She holds duke up and he grabs onto the top of the cage and pulls himself on top)

Eiko: “Yeah! Go Duke! Go over there!” *points to panel*

(the kids all watch as duke climbs down the cage and toddles over to the computer panel. He then looks over at them)

Halley: “Great job, Duke! Can you climb up there?”

(duke, using his amazing Belmont/vampire traits, jumps, and manages to pull himself up on top of the panel.)

Marcy: “He did it! Tell him what numbers to press!”

Halley: “Anyone have a pen?”

Van: “I do.”

Halley: “Let me borrow it.”

(van hands it to halley and he writes a big number 7 on his hand. He holds it out to duke)

Halley: “Good, Duke! Press the button that looks like this!”

(duke looks down at the panel and hits a button.)

Halley: “Press that one again!”

(duke does. Halley scrawls a 4 on his hand)

Halley: “Press this button!”

(duke does. Halley then draws a 3.)

Halley: “Now this one!”

(duke presses another button. There is a click, and a door swings open on the front of the cage)

Marcy: “He did it!”

Jr: “See! That is the world’s smartest baby!”

Halley: “Van, can you carry Rufus Jr.? Marcy, can you take Lily? And Bowser Jr., you help Duke.”

Max: “…Are we leaving?”

Eiko: “Yeah we’re leaving! Let’s go!”

Marlene: “Where are we going?”

Halley: “Let’s just try and look for an exit.”

Marcy: “Everybody be extra quiet!”

(so the older kids each grab a baby and they sneak out into the hallway where everything is quiet. Marcy peeks around the corner.)

Marcy: *quietly* “This way! Come on!”

(so the kids hurry along, following marcy. The whole place seems to be a series of corridors with no windows. The kids travel for some time without seeing anyone or finding any kind of exit)

Van: “We’re trapped!”

Eiko: “There’s gotta be a way out!”

Marcy: “There! There! There’s a door!”

(she starts running and the others take off after her. They almost get to the door, when suddenly a gate pops out of the floor and goes all the way to the ceiling, blocking their path. Rufus jr., startled by the loud noise starts to cry)

Marlene: “Oh no!”

Marcy: “Go back!”

(they quickly turn around, but they’re too late. Another gate pops out of the floor, keeping them trapped.)

Eiko: “We’re trapped!”

Jr: “Sh*t!”

(they hear footsteps, some smaller ones and some really loud heavy ones. Two of the henchmen run into view)

Henchman 1: “You were right, boss! They did try to escape!”

Henchman 2: “How’d they know how to get out?”

(the heavy footsteps stop as ganon comes into view.)

Ganon: “I told you. These are not ordinary kids. By using them I’ll be able to create an army of immeasurable strength and power!”

Henchman 1: “You want us to move them to the room with Zelda?”

Ganon: “At once.” *evil smile* “Let’s see them escape from there.”

(the kids all huddle together as the guards come to get them.)


(back at the ramble room, the meeting is about to start. The pool area is packed. The pool itself has a covering over it that is okay for people to stand on. Lark is standing at the entrance of the room, looking around at everyone who showed up. All of the ramble gang is there, the losers, of course, Dracula, alucard, d, death and a bunch of their relatives including uncle herb, dante, Lloyd, nero, solid snake, the ffXii guys, everyone from the strip club, the wild arms gang, a bunch of people from chrono cross, bowser, dedede, nightmare, nemesis, a bunch of characters from soul caliber and resident evil. There are also plenty of video game villains. There are also more final fantasy characters: sabin, cyan, terra, and even celes from ffvi, members of soldier and the shinra army from vii, some random garden students and esthar soldiers from viii, quina, garnet, freya and amarant from ix, and yuna and rikku from x. there is a snack table in the corner. Both Heidegger and quina make their way over to it)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Freebies!”

Quina: “I thought I smell yummy yum yums! I try some of everything!”

Heidegger: *looks at quina*

Quina: *looks at Heidegger*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I seem to have met my match!”

(over to dracula’s group)

Uncle Herb: “Look what I brought!” *holds up a bunch of needles*

Alucard: “What is that for?”

Uncle Herb: “I can’t let all that perfectly good blood go to waste!”

Alucard: “Can we get our priorities straight, please? I didn’t ask you all here to get free blood.”

Vampires: *mumble unhappily*

Frankie: “Can I at least pass out some pamphlets?”

Uncle Herb: “I don’t think so, sonny! This is *my* territory!”

Frankie: “Everything’s your territory!”

Uncle Herb: “That’s why I’m the number one recruiter!”

Frankie: *mumbles* “You mean number one hog…”

Death: “You know, this is kind of a conflict of interest. Plus it’s double work. First I kill people, then I have to clean up the bodies? I’m getting pretty old, you know.”

Dracula: “Well I have chipmunks in my pants, but you don’t see me complaining!”


Snake: *pops up next to shadow* “When does the killing start?”

Shadow: “Not yet. This is just a meeting to organize everyone.”

Snake: *glances around* “Most of the people here couldn’t kill a fly.” *touches ear* “Otakon! I might need backup!”

Otacon: “Shut up, Snake! I’m in the middle of something important!” *softly* “So, how much for the half hour?”

Snake: *frowns* “I might have to go on without the backup. Mission accepted.”

Shadow: “I’ll back you up.”

Snake: “………………………………I don’t think so.” *disappears back into the crowd*

Shadow: *frowns*


Basch: “I have a feeling the people who invited us here don’t have much faith in our fighting skills.”

Balthier: “What gave you that idea? The fact they took one look at us and told us we’d definitely be on the front line?”

Vaan: “I’m not worried about it.”

Maxi: *looking around* “There are a bunch of people I should be fighting, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.”

Gippal: “Some of them are cute! How can you possibly beat them up over and over? Like that guy.” *points*

Maxi: “Him? Trust me. Once Kilik smacks you with his pole once or twice, you won’t think he’s cute anymore.”

Gippal: *stares at maxi*

Maxi: *stares*

Gippal: “You mean—“

Maxi: “No, I mean an actual pole.”

Gippal: “Oh.” *frowns* “That’s disappointing…”

Delita: “Chris, your leg is still in a cast since you seem to keep rebreaking it. How are you going to fight?”

Chris: *on crutches* “No problem. I get around great on these things.” *almost falls over*

Ashley: “Are you quite sure about that?”

Chris: “Positive. Besides, I don’t need legs to fire a machine gun. Just my trusty hands.”

(he pretends like he’s holding a machine gun, which causes him to drop the crutches. Now standing on one leg, he quickly loses his balance and falls to the floor. Delita and Ashley look down at him.)

Ashley: “Are you *quite* sure about that?”


Hanpan: “I don’t wanna be here, Jack.”

Jack: “I promise you, Hanpan, Rudy’s no threat to you anymore.”

Hanpan: “Those handcuffs you have him in aren’t stopping him from staring at me.”

Jack: “Oh, he stares at everything. Not just you.”

Rudy: *whispers* “I only have eyes for you…”

Hanpan: *shudders*

Jack: “Hey! Look! There’s Cecelia! Maybe she’ll come over!” *waves* “HI, CECELIA!” *frowns* “She ran away.”

Rudy: *softly* “You’re looking extra fluffy today.”

Hanpan: *squeezes eyes shut* “Happy place… Happy place… Happy place…”


Karsh: “I think bringing Serge was a mistake.”


Fargo: “Nonsense. He’s a good fighter.”

Karsh: “I guess he’ll be good as a human shield at least.”

Fargo: “I miss Mojo. He was the best human shield there was.”

Karsh: “I claim Skelly.”

Fargo: “No fair!”

Skelly: “Hey! I’m great in a fight!”

Karsh: “Uh, yeah. Right. Sure you are.”


Bowser: *surveying the room* “Pretty good turnout.”

Dedede: “This just might work.”

Nightmare: “Members really came through with info!”

Nemesis: *nods* “STARS.”

Bowser: “I’ve never been prouder to be a villain.”


Sabin: “Don’t worry, brother. I will do everything in my power to save you and Setzer’s child.”

Edgar: “I knew I could count on you, brother.”

Cyan: “So you two are really married?”

Setzer: “…Yes.”

Terra: “Why weren’t we invited to the wedding?”

Edgar: “We wanted a private ceremony.”

Setzer: “Very private.”

Terra: “You weren’t trying to hide it, were you?”

Edgar and Setzer: *exchange looks* “Uh, no…”

Terra: “Because we all figured it out.”

Cyan: “You’re both horrible at keeping secrets.”

Edgar and Setzer: “Oh.”

Locke: “So, Celes, this is my girlfriend.”

Yuffie: “Hey.”

Celes: “What?”

Locke: “This is my girlfriend. Yuffie.”

Yuffie: “Hey.”

Celes: *frowns* “Your…girl…friend?”

Locke: “Yup. Still not interested in you. Never have been. Never will be.”

Celes: “This is the worst day of my life!” *bursts into tears and runs off*

Yuffie: “Wow, Locke. Harsh much?”

Locke: “Hey, I gotta be. She once ordered a custom made robot of me. Luckily the robots wound up taking over the factory and it was shut down.”

Yuffie: *wide eyes*

Locke: “Yeah… Wasn’t a good day for the robot factory.”


Rufus: “So I expect all of you soldiers to do Shinra proud.”

Solider #1: “So which here side of the gun does the killin’ come from?” *holds barrel in front of face*

Rufus: *hand to head* “I really should have established a more stringent screening process.”

Tseng: “I guess ‘anybody who can stand’ just isn’t cutting it anymore.”

Rufus: “Tseng! Make them decent soldiers!”

Tseng: “Even I can’t accomplish the impossible, Rufus.”

Rufus: “Well at least try and stop them from accidentally killing themselves!”

Tseng: “I’ll do my best.”


Selphie: “Squall, I think you should say something to all the Garden students!”

Squall: “Why?”

Quistis: “Because! You’re our leader!”

Squall: “Then what the hell is Headmaster Cid?”

Selphie: “Um, I think incompetent is the best word.”

Rinoa: “C’mon, Squall! They all look up to you!”

Zell: “Yeah, Squall! Get ‘em all fired up for battle!”

Squall: “What do I say?”

Irvine: “Just say some crap about how you know they’ll do a great job and make Garden proud.”

Squall: “Sounds good. You do it.”

Irvine: “Me?? No way! I can’t speak in front of crowds!”

Nida: “I’ll do it!”

Squall: “No.”

Nida: “Hey! It’s because of me these people are here!”

Selphie: “Liar! Quistis and I went for help!”

Nida: “Yeah, but *I’m* the one who made sure they showed up!”

Random student: *comes over* “When we getting paid for this?”

Squall: “Paid? Who said anything about getting paid?” *looks at selphie and quistis*

Selphie: “Not me!”

Quistis: “Yeah. Like I’d ever pay anyone to do anything.”

Random student: *points to nida* “That guy promised us money.”

Nida: “I’m not ‘that guy’! My name is Nida, and I drive the Garden!”

Squall: *glares* “You promised them money?”

Nida: “How else were they gonna show up? We’re a mercenary school! Our first class is ‘Don’t Fight Without Getting the Money 101’!”

Squall: “But this isn’t an official Garden contract. We don’t *have* the money.”

Nida: “But you do. We’re SeeDs! We get paid constantly!”

Squall: *turns to student* “You’ll get your money. Just see Nida here after everything is over.”

Nida: “Hey! I didn’t agree to that!”

Squall: “You promised it, you pay it.”

Nida: *red with anger* “Grrr…”


Laguna: “I know you’ll do awesome, Esthar soldiers! Because Esthar is awesome! And your uniforms are really cool!”

Kiros: *looking at ward* “Please let me say something. *Please*.”

Ward: *shakes head no*


Steiner: “We are honored you chose to come and fight with us.”

Garnet: “Of course. We need to save Eiko.”

Amarant: “Yeah. She’s been missed.” *rolls eyes*

Freya: “Where’s Zidane?”

Vivi: “Zidane’s really busy right now.”

Freya: “Oh. Is he helping plan the attack?”

Vivi: “Um……he said he’s trying to get some time in with his lawyer so he can beat that stuck up #@$% Kuja for the will money.”

Everyone: *stare at him in shock*

Garnet: “Vivi! Where did you get that word from?”

Vivi: “Um, Zidane. That’s exactly what he said.”

Steiner: “He has the foulest mouth I have ever had the displeasure to hear! Princess, I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

Garnet: “It’s okay, Steiner. Vivi didn’t know what he was saying.”

Vivi: “What does it mean?”

Amarant: “It means—“

Steiner, Garnet and Freya: “NO!”

(suddenly there’s a crash and a gya haa haa from over by the snack table. Everyone looks over.)

Garnet: “Quina!”

Amarant: *mutters* “I knew this would be a mistake.”


Yuna: “So these are the people you spend your time with now?”

Tidus: “Yeah. Well, no. Not all of them. Just some of them.”

Rikku: “The freaks by the snack table?”

Tidus: “No. Definitely no. Well, we see one of them sometimes, but I’ve never seen that other…thing before.”

Wakka: “Thanks for coming to help us out!”

Yuna: “Of course! No thanks necessary.”

Auron: “It’s a noble cause. And it will be a tough fight.”

Kimahri: “Kimahri wonders when meeting will start.”

Lulu: “Any minute now I guess. The room’s pretty packed.”

Tidus: “Looks like Lark is still looking for more people.”

(they all turn to where lark is indeed standing by the door, peering out expectantly.)

Auron: “Seems you’re right.”

(flash over to lark. She is looking quite restless as she paces back and forth by the door, glancing at her watch. Vincent comes over.)

Vincent: “Sephiroth says he’s ready to begin. Are you waiting on anyone else?”

Lark: “Yeah, the Gundam Wing guys. They said they’d be here.”

Vincent: “I suppose we should wait for them then.”

Lark: “Well what if they’re not coming after all? What if they lied to me about coming?”

Vincent: “I don’t think they would do such a thing.”

Lark: “Me neither, but who knows what you can rely on—“

??????: “Lark!”

(she whirls around to see treize, zechs, heero, duo, quatre, trowa, and wufei coming towards her. Treize comes over and gives her a hug.)

Lark: “You’re here!”

Treize: “Of course. Sorry we’re a bit late.”

Wufei: “Zechs couldn’t find his magnetic bracelets.”

Zechs: “They have healing properties!”

Wufei: “I don’t think your type of idiocy can be cured!”

Lark: “Well you’re not really late, we’re just about to start. Come in.”

Duo: “How you doing, Lark?”

Lark: “I’m okay.”

Trowa: “Sorry we had to meet again.”

Lark: “You mean like this?”

Trowa: “No.”

Quatre: “This is horrible! Just horrible—“

Heero: “It’ll be horrible what happens to you if you don’t shut up.”

(she ushers them inside and then makes her way over to where sephiroth, cloud, squall, rufus, Vincent, Brady, shell and Ashley are standing by the front of the room. Reeve is setting up an overhead projector which he has aimed at the wall.)

Sephiroth: “Can we start?”

Lark: “Yup. Go right ahead.”

Sephiroth: “Finally.”

(he adjusts the microphone in front of him and it makes a horrible squeaking noise. Everybody grimaces.)

Sephiroth: “Sorry about that. Okay. All of you should know who I am, but in case you don’t, I am Sephiroth and I’ve been made the head of this operation. I know you all already know why you’re here. And if no one’s said this to you already…we really appreciate the help. We’re gonna need it. Because these villains are so evil they make me look about as menacing as the Hamburgler. And you know I—“ *glances at Vincent who shakes his head no* “Uh, anyway. We’ll basically be splitting into five groups with one of the groups divided into smaller sub-sections. But first I want to start off with the most important groups – the ones targeted on the three villains at the center of this whole operation. Now we have several gentlemen here who have worked long and hard to find out where they’re hiding. And they’re here now to present their findings. To some of you these men will be enemies, but believe it or not they’re actually on our side this time, so please refrain from attacking them. First, to give us information on Specter, we have Decoy Octopus.”

(a guy with a pretty normal looking face comes over to the mic. He’s wearing a trench coat. Off to the side, snake is glaring at him.)

Snake: “Otakon! It’s FOXHOUND! Repeat, FOXHOUND is in the building!”

Otacon: *heavy breathing*

Snake: *blink blink* “Otakon? Are you okay? Do you need medical assistance?”

Shadow: “It’s okay. He always makes those noises at this time on this day of the week.”

Snake: “Hey! Who gave you a Codec? This is top secret technology.”

Shadow: “Otacon gave it to me. …I don’t think he *meant* to give it me, but I got one anyway.”

Snake: *eyes narrow* “If he does these breathing exercises so often, why haven’t I ever heard them before?”

Shadow: “Maybe you haven’t been as dedicated to the Codec as I have.”

Snake: *eyes narrow more* “Those are dangerous words.”

(back to the stage. Decoy Octopus, Decoy for short, is starting his presentation)

Decoy: “I was able to infiltrate Specter’s camp by turning myself into a monkey. Not one of my finer disguises, but even with those helmets on those monkeys aren’t that bright. But they’re smarter than the average monkey.”

Laguna: “Could they swipe your picnic basket?”

Kiros: *mutters* “I think you need one of those helmets.”

Ward: *hits him*

Kiros: “I could *not* let that one go by.”

Decoy: “Anyway, while the monkeys may not be geniuses, Specter is. And he’s got plenty of robots and other gadgets at his disposal. He also has telekinetic powers. He’s not to be taken lightly. I’ve made a map of the location of his hideout. Oh, and bring your own food with you. The food there was awful. Bananas in everything.”

(he steps away from the mic and sephiroth steps back over.)

Sephiroth: “Thanks for the information. So based on this information, especially the fact that he has displayed psychic powers, the following group will sneak into his hideout and keep him at bay so he may be sealed: Ashley, you’ll be the one to seal him. And you’ll be accompanied by Seifer, Koudelka, Yuri and Edward.”

Koudelka: *mutters* “Edward? Who did you bribe to get in that group?”

Edward: “My son is involved in this! I wanted to get the guy who kidnapped him.”

Koudelka: “Oh. Right. I guess that makes sense.”

Edward: “I’m a better father than you think I am!”

Koudelka: “Eh. Not really.”

Sephiroth: “Next we have a report on L-Block, which will be presented by Albert Wesker.”

(up to the mic steps wesker, who has a short haircut and is wearing sunglasses.)

Chris: “BOO!!”

Wesker: “I’m sure all of you have heard plenty of horror stories about L-Block. If you haven’t, you’re better off. They’re all true. I’ve made a map of his location that you’ll be able to follow. Be warned – he has almost unreal powers and he’s got a shield on that’s almost impossible to crack. You’ll need some pretty heavy weapons to keep him at bay.”

(he steps away from the mic)

Chris: “BOO!!!”

(sephiroth comes back over.)

Sephiroth: “Thank you, Wesker. Based on that information the following team is assigned to this mission. Shell, you’ll be sealing him. And Rude, Reno, Twilight and Opal will be with her.”

Twilight: “I ain’t scared of no blocks!”

Sephiroth: “Our last presentation is about Ganon. Psycho Mantis will fill you in on the details.”

(he steps away and psycho mantis steps up. He is downright scary looking. He is wearing black, and is wearing a gas mask over his face. He’s also bald. almost everyone in the room’s eyes go a little wider upon seeing him.)

Yuri: “Hey, that’s that freak you were telling me about.”

Koudelka: “Yup.”

Yuri: “I didn’t think your description could possibly be accurate…but boy was I wrong.”

Snake: “Otakon! This is important! Stop your breathing exercises at once!”

Otacon: *moaning sounds*

Snake: *blink blink* “Now he sounds injured! I should call 911!”

Shadow: “This is part of the exercise.”

Snake: “But none of this sounds healthy!”

Shadow: “It must be good if he keeps doing it.”

(back up at the mic…)

Psycho Mantis: “12 of you are thinking about sleeping right now. 15 are thinking about sex. 4 are thinking about cartoons. And 1 is thinking about doing unspeakable things to a wind mouse.”

Yuri: *rolls eyes* “Wonder who that is.”

Koudelka: “And you’re one of the ones thinking about sex.”

Yuri: *shifty eyes* “Uh, no.”

Koudelka: “And what does he think he’s doing anyway? This isn’t a time for showing off.” *calls out* “Get on with the program, Mantis! Or I’ll tell everyone what your favorite TV show is!”

(he looks a little rattled, but quickly shakes it off)

Psycho Mantis: “So I have used my powers to ascertain his location. I have written this down. The place is like a fortress. It will be difficult to get through. Ganon will send many of his guards away to participate in the fight here, but he is fierce warrior. He has very powerful magic. He can change shape. His physical strength is almost god-like. Due to his Triforce of power, he is also practically immortal. You will need the boy in the green tights in order to damage him enough to seal him.” *pause* “And Koudelka dyes her hair.”

Koudelka: “Dragon Tales!! That’s his favorite!”

(psycho mantis leaves the stage.)

Yuri: “You dye your hair? Really?”

Koudelka: “It’s still blonde! Just…not this blonde.”

(sephiroth comes back to the mic)

Sephiroth: “Ganon himself is probably the most formidable force we’ll be up against. Lark will be the one to seal him. And myself, Zack, Tseng and, of course, Link, will accompany her.” *looking around* “Where is Link?”

Cloud: “Don’t worry. We have it covered.”

Sephiroth: “Fine. Moving on, our next group will not be fighting. Instead they will be focused on communications. A select number of people will be fitted with headsets, and they will be able to contact the communications group. That way we can all stay in touch with what is going on. Reeve Leander and Sunshine Johansen will head this group, and they will be joined by Phoenix Wright, Augustus Heidegger, Scarlet Calhoun, Bria Mainstay, Trini Tsunekage, Bryatt Porter…and Brady.”

Brady: “Why am I in that group?”

Sephiroth: “If you have any actual combat skills I would *love* to see them.”

Brady: *pouts*

Sephiroth: “Finally, if your name has not already been called, you have been assigned to the main group – which is to defend this complex from their army. The Gundam Pilots will patrol the outskirts with their mobile suits. Your main goal will to knock out any kind of vehicles they may have. Heero Yuy will be the leader.”

Heero: “Mission accepted.”

Treize: “The dawn of war approaches.”

Everyone: “…………………”

Zechs: “That’s it?”

Treize: “Were you expecting more?”

Wufei: “Just because we were expecting it doesn’t mean we wanna hear it!”

Sephiroth: “Coming after that will be the melee fighters. So if you have a sword, or a spear, or a pole or anything else like that you will be stationed on either side of the complex like so.”

(with that he turns on the overhead projector and starts drawing lines around a diagram of the ramble complex and surrounding buildings.)

Sephiroth: “Those whose names begin with letters A – L, you’ll be over here. Cloud Strife will be leading this charge. Letters M – Z, you’ll be over here, led by Squall Leonhart. Backing them up will be mid-ranged weapons, but not guns or magic. You’ll also follow either Cloud or Squall. Gun users will be stationed on the roof along with magic users. That way you’ll be able to survey the whole scene. Magic users, your priority will be healing when necessary. Rufus Shinra will be your leader. This will be a long battle, but according to the information we’ve gathered, the armies of the various villains are ordered to retreat if anything happens to their leader. So expect whoever’s left standing to run off once their leader is sealed. But we’re dealing with three armies here attacking as one. Don’t forget that.”

(he looks out at the crowd and sees everyone just staring back at him. He looks a bit uneasy.)

Sephiroth: “Um…that’s it.”

(with that he steps off the stage. A bunch of side conversations immediately begin as everyone starts to discuss the coming battle. Sephiroth finds zack and tseng in front of him.)

Zack: “So. Looks like it’s us three then.”

Tseng: “Almost like old times. Old, old times.”

Sephiroth: “I needed the strongest in my group. The people I could really count on.”

Tseng: “Then why not Vin—“

Sephiroth: *looks away* “Because if something bad should happen…”

Tseng: *quickly understands* “Oh.”

Sephiroth: “Anyway, I know I chose the best men for the job. We’ve all seen our share of horrible battles. What’s one more?”

Zack: “Act as tough as you want, Sephiroth. Your eyes give you away.”

Sephiroth: *closes eyes* “Mine and every other pair in this room.”


(back at the hospital, franswa is lying in there asleep. Doc is there, scribbling something on a clipboard. He gives franswa one more look over and walks out. Franswa’s eyes pop open. He looks out the window at the dark sky and the moon. He glances out the door to the quiet hallway, then to a pile of his clothes which are neatly folded on a nearby chair. With a sigh he looks out the window again for a long time before closing his eyes)

Franswa: *mutters* “As soon as there’s light… I have to prove to everyone that I *can*.”


(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, sephiroth and Vincent are both lying in bed. Sephiroth is silently staring up at the ceiling. Vincent is sitting up reading a book. Sephiroth rolls over and looks up at Vincent.)

Sephiroth: “I’m worried I made a mistake.”

(Vincent puts his book down and turns to him)

Vincent: “How’s that angel?”

Sephiroth: “In my battle plan…what if it’s no good? What if we practically get wiped out because I left some kind of crucial flaw?”

Vincent: “You have nothing to worry about, angel. There were plenty of other people there skilled in battle preparations. I’m sure they wouldn’t have been afraid to point out many mistakes. Besides, you’ve made many of these plans before.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, but it’s been a long, long time.” *pause* “I’m glad you use a gun. You’ll be back…away from most of the action.”

Vincent: “I’ll be fine. I’m worried about you. You’ve certainly been through your fair share of battles, but I dare say this won’t even compare.”

Sephiroth: “I know…” *long pause* “I can’t remember the last time I was scared about a battle.”

Vincent: “It’s okay to be scared. These are probably the toughest enemies we’ve ever faced.”

Sephiroth: “…I’m usually the enemy.”

Vincent: “This time you could be the hero.”

(sephiroth looks up at Vincent, wraps a hand around his neck, and pulls him down for a kiss.)


To Be Continued…


















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