Franswa: *snaps* “I’m not just anybody! I’m supposed to be a Belmont!”

Synopsis
Can the ramble gang fight back when a powerful evil threatens to destroy everything they love?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

After I finished the last ramble…I felt like I wasn’t quite done yet. After all, I had been writing about these characters for so long and I wasn’t 100% satisfied with the last ramble. So that’s how the “movie” was born. I knew if I was going to do that, I needed to do something big. That’s how I came up with the whole Ganon wreaking havoc thing. Two characters were born from the movie that I wish had come along sooner, and Argath is one of them. This character was born after the new version of FF Tactics renamed the character of Algus to Argath. This annoyed me until I realized the comedy oppertunity. Algus has always been the worst character in the ramble room, but I knew there was room to be worse. Argath took that room and ran with it.

It ain’t over, till it’s over…

 

 

 

(it’s christmas day and it seems all of our lovable video game characters have gathered in the ramble room to exchange gifts. there is a beautiful tree that has been set up and decorated just the way lark would have done it. there is even mistletoe tacked to the ceiling over the doorway. our gang appears to mostly be the same, except elena is holding a new baby on her lap, a boy. lily sits on the floor in front of her with max. they’re both opening presents. rufus, tseng and reeve all sit by watching them. the baby is asleep.)

Rufus: “Looks like Rufus Jr. is going to sleep through his first Christmas.”

Max: “He’s too little to know it’s Christmas!”

Elena: “That’s right, Max. And that’s why you get to open all his presents for him.”

(lily rips the wrapping paper off another box. inside is a doll. she gets up, picks up the box, and turns to tseng, thrusting the box at him)

Lily: “Daddy, open!”

Tseng: “Honey, you sure you want to open *all* your new toys? You can’t play with all of them at once—“

Lily: “Daddy open!!”

Tseng: “Okay, okay.”

(he starts to open the box while lily plops back down on the floor to open more presents)

Reeve: “That tree does look the same as ever. Who decorated it?”

Tseng: “Take a wild guess.”

?????????: “OKAY! Who’s the wise guy? Whose idea for a present is this? Because I am not laughing!”

(sephiroth emerges from the crowd of people, holding a box up in the air. what’s inside? why it’s an action figure of dante)

Dante: *grins* “I see you got my gift.”

Sephiroth: “You! I should have known! What the hell could I possibly do with this?”

Dante: “Well since you can’t have the real me around all time, this figure’s the next best thing.”

Sephiroth: “I’m going to burn it.”

Dante: *shrugs* “I guess since you can’t manage to beat the real me, melting my small, plastic equivalent is the closest you’re gonna get.”

Sephiroth: “Grrr…”

Tseng: *looks at reeve and nods*

Reeve: “He did it? Really?”

Tseng: “I’m sure he wasn’t alone.”

Reeve: “Hm. …I guess that doesn’t really surprise me.”

(dante walks away laughing as sephiroth just glares after him, subconsciously crushing the box in his hands.)

Reeve: “Nope, not at all.”

 

Buy-Shinra.com Presents…

The Ramble Movie

 

(several months later…)

(lark, shell, and Ashley are leaving a building together and heading towards a car.)

Shell: “I can’t believe you talked us into taking this first aid class.”

Ashley: “What’s the big deal? This stuff is good to know. You could save someone’s life!”

Lark: “I don’t know if I’ll remember any of this stuff if I’m ever in a real emergency.”

Ashley: “Of course you will.”

Lark: “Of course you think so, you need to take this course for your job. I don’t think I’ll ever need to give a baby CPR.”

Ashley: “You might! What about when you have kids?”

Lark: *snort* “That’s a long way off.”

(they get in the car, and pull out of the parking lot and onto the road. lark is driving.)

Shell: “I’m sick of this cold weather.”

Lark: “Me too. Sometimes I think ‘hey, I’ll just go take a swim for awhile’. Then I remember we no longer have access to an indoor pool.”

Shell: “That was the least of the cool stuff we had access too.”

Ashley: “Nah, I think the porch swing wins that award.”

(the girls all look at each other and smile)

Lark: “I wonder how they’re doing…”

Shell: “They’re fine. I bet Rude is at work right now, staring at the clock on the wall and counting the minutes until he gets to go home.”

Ashley: “Seifer is sitting on his lazy butt watching TV.”

Shell: “What do you think Sephiroth is doing?”

Lark: *smiles* “Knowing Sephy, he’s probably complaining about someone or something. And poor Vincent is just standing there listening to him.”

Girls: “…………………”

Ashley: “Same old, same old I bet.”

Lark: “Yeah… Nothing to worry about.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, zidane is passing by the door whistling happily to himself when there’s a knock.)

Zidane: “…What the heck? Somebody forget their keys again?” *mutters* “I’m gonna staple his keys to his head.”

(he opens the door. and who is there? algus. well, they look and dress exactly like algus anyway…)

Zidane: “Oh. Algus. You’re not Reno and/or Irvine.”

??????: “Algus? How dare you insult me, knave! How dare you mistake me for that hideous creature!”

Zidane: *blink blink* “Um, Algus? Did you hit your head on something?”

??????: “How small is your peasant brain? Cease calling me Algus at once!”

Zidane: *blink blink* “…Okay… So what would you like to be called then, Mr. not-Algus-but-looks-and-acts-exactly-like-Algus?”

??????: “You may address me as Argath, Argath Sadalfas. And unfortunately I’m here to see my poor excuse for a brother. Is he in?”

Zidane: *blink blink* “Brother? What brother?”

Argath: *annoyed sigh* “Surely you must know him, as you addressed me by his name several times.”

Zidane: *jaw drops* “You’re *Algus’* brother?!”

Argath: “Ah. So you can put two thoughts together to form one.”

Zidane: “Algus has a twin brother?! But I was practically attached to his ass for like a bunch of years and he never mentioned any brother, never mind a freakin’ twin!”

Argath: “I grow tired of speaking with you. Is Algus here, or not?”

Zidane: “Uh, yeah. Follow me.”

(and so zidane takes argath back to the pool area, where rufus and algus are sitting beside one another on lounge chairs, enjoying some champagne. elena is in the water with tseng, reno, lily and max.)

Zidane: “Algus, your clone is here. I mean your twin. And my worst nightmare that there’s actually more of you in the world.”

Algus: *jumps to his feet* “Argath! What are you doing here?”

Rufus: *blink blink* “You have a twin?? You never mentioned a twin.”

Algus: *eyes narrow* “He’s hardly worth mentioning.”

Argath: “You would say such a cruel thing, Algus. Tell me, how fares father’s estate?”

Algus: “As spectacular now as it always was, thank you.”

Argath: “Oh, really? Surprising… I thought you might be too busy still sitting besides what was father’s death bed. You seemed quite attached to it while he was dying.”

Algus: “Oh really? And what of grandmother’s horse farm? Is it still running? Or have you still not yet removed your lips from her feet!?”

(they just standing there glaring at each other. everyone else is just standing there watching them in surprise.)

Argath: “Trust me, *brother*, I would not be standing before such a back stabbing knave unless I had some very important business to attend to.”

Algus: “I would hope so, considering I swore never to lay eyes on such a sneaky penny pincher again!”

Argath: “Our Uncle, the Duke of Gorkenhiamlan, has died. It was in his will that we…amicably…divide his estate.”

Algus: “I see.”

(they continue to glare at each other.)

Argath: “I shall need a place for myself and my slave to stay.”

Algus: “Slave? What slave?”

Argath: “He is outside with the car, waiting as such an obedient slave should.” *looks around with a smirk* “Where is yours?”

Algus: “Out! Out…gardening.”

Argath: “In winter?”

Algus: “Yes! Of course! No slave of mine ever rests!”

Zidane: *mutters* “That’s for damn sure.”

Algus: “Zidane will show you and your…slave…to your room.”

Zidane: “No I won’t!”

Algus: “He will if he still likes Skittles!”

Zidane: *sigh* “Fine. But just this one time!”

Argath: “We’ll continue this discussion later then.”

Algus: “I do *not* look forward to it.”

(and so zidane leaves and argath follows him. algus plops back down on the lounge chair with a pout. rufus is staring at him in disbelief)

Rufus: “You have a twin brother?”

Algus: “Unfortunately, yes, I am unlucky enough to have a younger brother who happens to share my day of birth and my face.”

Rufus: “Why didn’t you ever mention him?”

Algus: “In case it wasn’t obvious, Argath and I have never gotten along. Especially since grandmother’s death.” *mutters* “I could have gotten it too if I was such a sniveling suck-up.” *frowns* “I can’t believe he’s here now. And with a slave! I’ll have to find a slave now, quickly! I cannot have him see me without one! How will that make me look?”

Rufus: “Um, considerate?”

Algus: “I must hold slave auditions immediately. Surely there are plenty of peasants around here who dream of serving me.”

Rufus: “………………………”

Algus: *turns to him* “Aren’t I right, Rufus?”

Rufus: *fake smile* “Oh, yeah! Tons of them. They’ll be lining up outside.”

Algus: “As they should!”

(he gets up and storms out. elena, tseng and reno are all staring at him from the pool.)

Reno: “Do you just hang out with that guy ‘cause it makes you look better? …’Cause if that’s been your plan this whole time, it’s kinda starting to work.”

Rufus: “No! Are you crazy? Algus and I are friends!”

Reno: “Who doesn’t mention a brother? And a freakin’ twin!”

Tseng: “You didn’t mention your sister. And I’ve known you for a hell of a lot longer than any of us have known Algus.”

Reno: “Okay…but no one knew Rude’s real name till kinda recently!”

Elena: “So? This isn’t a contest about who’s kept stuff from people the longest.”

Reno: “Yeah…but if it was, he’d win.”

Tseng: “Algus and his brother obviously don’t get along.”

Rufus: “And Algus is so easy to get along with. Makes me wonder what kind of person his brother is…”

(the turks all exchange a look.)

Rufus: “Anyway, aside from Elena, who gave you all the okay to be hanging out here having recreation time? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for that job you’ve got coming up?”

Reno: “No big deal, I’m always ready.”

Rufus: “And where’s Rude?”

Reno: “Don’t worry about it, Rufus. Have we ever let you down?”

Rufus: *opens his mouth*

Reno: “I mean when it’s real important!”

Rufus: “……No.”

Reno: “Then relax. Everything’ll be perfect.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(over at the belmont house, tifa and richter are seated at the kitchen table looking over a big seating chart. juste is with them. franswa is up and about making brownies. zell is sitting at the counter, sticking his finger in the batter and licking if off whenever franswa isn’t looking.)

Tifa: “But shouldn’t they sit over there with their cousins?”

Richter: “Which cousins? This set or this set?”

Tifa: “Argh! Your extended family is too big! Makes me glad that we have the smaller ceremony and reception first. That seating chart took five seconds.”

Richter: “We’ll get this one down! Don’t you worry.”

Tifa: “I still can’t believe every single one of your relatives RSVP’d yes!”

Juste: “Most of them are quite elderly. They only leave the house for family functions.”

Zell: “Who’s making the cake?” *puts finger full of brownie batter in his mouth*

Franswa: *turns around and catches him* “I am.” *frowns* “Are you eating my batter?”

Zell: *finger still in his mouth* “…No.”

Franswa: *snatches bowl away* “There’s raw egg in this, you know! You’re gonna get sick!”

Tifa: *head in her hands* “I’m never gonna finish this seating chart.”

Juste: “The seating chart isn’t really important. Just relax and think about how in just a few days you’ll finally be married.”

(richter and tifa smile at each other. trevor and simon come hobbling in, followed by hugh.)

Trevor: “The wedding is off!”

Tifa, Richter, Juste, Franswa and Zell: “WHAT?!”

Simon: “He had a horrible vision! No wedding!”

Juste: “What kind of vision?”

Trevor: “Something horrible is going to happen at this wedding! With that kind of omen, this wedding cannot proceed!”

Hugh: “He had a dream about it.”

Tifa: “What?!”

Richter: “So we cannot be married?”

Simon: “You can! Just not on that date! It’s evil!”

Tifa: “What? Is this a joke?”

Hugh: “No, they’re serious.”

Trevor: “Push the wedding back!”

Richter: “We can’t! Everything’s been paid for already!”

Franswa: “I don’t get it. You want them to push the wedding back because you had a bad dream?”

Trevor: “It was more than a dream! It was a vision!”

Zell: “Were you asleep?”

Trevor: “Of course!”

Zell: “…Then isn’t that really a dream?”

Simon: “It was a vision! A vision of awful things to come! So no wedding!”

Juste: “What exactly happened that was so awful?”

(everyone turns and looks at trevor.)

Trevor: “…They were getting married…then everything went black.”

Everyone: “……………………”

Franswa: “And then…?”

Trevor: “…That’s all I remember.”

Richter: “This is ridiculous! What kind of vision is that?”

Trevor: “Don’t mock the vision! I may not remember, but when I woke up I had a horrible feeling!”

Zell: “Maybe it was just gas.”

Tifa: *shakes head* “I’m sorry, grandpa one, but everything has already been planned and paid for. I’m not changing anything now.”

Trevor: “You’ll regret those words.”

Franswa: “Hugh, could you distract them with TV or something?”

Hugh: “Come on, grandpas. I think one of those court shows you like is on.”

Trevor: “Disaster, I tell you! Disaster!”

Simon: “Heed those words!”

(with that, hugh manages to clear the old men out of the room. everyone else just exchanges a weary look)

Tifa: “…You don’t think we have anything to worry about, do you?”

Richter: “No! Absolutely not!” *pause* “…Father?”

Juste: “I’ve heard tell of visions foretelling doom, but nothing like that has happened for hundreds of years. Besides, they would normally involve Dracula. And if Dracula was in his vision, he definitely would not have forgotten it.”

Franswa: “So you don’t think there’s anything to worry about?”

Juste: “No, certainly not. We’re in modern times now. We can see Dracula from our front steps. What could happen?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, yuffie and locke are in the ramble room. locke is kneeling on the floor with a garbage bag. yuffie is practically lying face down on the floor, her whole arm underneath the couch.)

Locke: “Anything?”

Yuffie: “…Got one!”

(she sits up and removes her arm from underneath the couch. in her hand is a glass bottle which she happily dumps in the plastic bag)

Locke: “More free money!”

Yuffie: “Everyone’s a slob.”

(algus rushes in.)

Algus: “You there! How would you like to be a slave?”

Locke: “Who, me?”

Algus: “Either of you rouges!”

Yuffie: “Ew, no! Dream on!”

Locke: “Yeah…not interested.”

Algus: “Damnation. Suit yourselves! You’ll regret it!”

(he rushes out. shadow rushes in, interceptor at his side. he is not wearing his mask.)

Shadow: “They’re coming!”

Locke: *totally preoccupied as he counts the bottles* “Oh no…let’s hide…or whatever.”

Shadow: “I’m serious! I overheard them! They’re coming! We have to stop them!”

Locke: *still counting* “Uh huh.”

Shadow: “I better dig a tunnel!”

(he and interceptor run out. yuffie looks at locke)

Yuffie: “Dig a tunnel?”

Locke: “Who knows…”

(seifer wanders in looking lost)

Seifer: “…Anyone seen Zell?”

Yuffie: “Nope. Why? Planning to beat him up or something?”

Seifer: “No. I mean yeah! Yeah, of course I am! Big time! Why else would I want to see that chicken wuss loser? To talk to him? Like he’d be interesting to talk to!”

(he wanders out again. seconds later, argath enters.)

Argath: “Ah, peasants. Pardon me, but have you seen my slave?”

Locke: *blink blink* “What slave? I thought you wanted us to be slaves.”

Argath: “Hmm…well, I could always use more but we can discuss that when I’m preparing to leave this dreadful place. You both look like you have strong backs.”

(he leaves. locke and yuffie look at one another totally confused)

Locke: “What the hell just happened here?”

Yuffie: “I don’t know. I’m just looking for more bottles.”

(laguna, kiros and ward enter. laguna and ward are talking, while kiros tags behind.)

Laguna: “Hey hey! My son’s not in here either!”

Ward: “Maybe he’s at school.”

Kiros: “…Maybe he’s just trying to avoid you since he hates you…”

Ward: *turns around and glares at kiros*

Kiros: *cowers and protects his head with his hands*

Laguna: “Oh yeah! School! That’s where he should be! He is a growing boy! Speaking of growing, I’m hungry. Who wants a snack?”

Ward: “Sounds good.”

Kiros: “…You’re fat enough already.”

(ward once again turns and glares and kiros once again cowers and covers his head)

Kiros: “It slipped out!”

(they leave. yuffie comes up from under the couch with another bottle.)

Yuffie: “Ta-da!”

Locke: *applauds* “Wonderful.”

(edgar and setzer come in)

Setzer: “Hey you two.”

Locke: “Hey. You guys on your way out?”

Edgar: “As a matter of fact we are meeting Zelda for lunch.”

Yuffie: “Oh yeah! How’s she doing?”

Edgar: “Very well. Thank you for asking.”

Setzer: “It’s hard to believe that in a few months we’ll be parents.”

(algus comes by again looking a bit frantic.)

Algus: “Ah, friends! I’m very glad to see you. Be it known that I am holding slave auditions. So if you know of any peasants that are looking for a semi warm blanket and some scraps of food, please send them to me.”

Edgar: “Of course, Algus.”

(algus hurries off.)

Setzer: “Anyway… What was I talking about?”

Locke: “How you’re gonna be parents.”

Setzer: “Oh yeah. Well—“

(argath comes rushing over.)

Argath: “You there! You look like fine and upstanding gentlemen! Have you seen my slave?”

Edgar: *blink blink* “I’m sorry…were you not just here inquiring about finding yourself a slave?”

Argath: “Yes, I was inquiring about the whereabouts of my slave. It seems he has parked my car and gone off! He better be making me tea or it’s ten lashes for him!”

(and once again he leaves. edgar, setzer, locke and yuffie all look at each other in confusion)

Yuffie: “…That’s the second time that’s happened.”

Locke: “Either he’s cloned himself or he should be taking pills for multiple personality disorder.”

Setzer: “On that note, I think we better go. See ya later.”

Edgar: *confused* “Does Algus need a slave or not?”

(setzer gives him a gentle push and the two of them leave. a moment later squall shows up with irvine.)

Squall: “…So I said, whatever.”

Irvine: “Ya don’t say.”

Locke: “Hey, Squall. Your dad was looking for you.”

Squall: “What else is new.”

Irvine: “Anybody seen Reno around?”

Locke: “I think he mentioned something about the pool.”

Squall: “I could use a swim.”

(they leave. moments later both algus and argath come in and are face to face, glaring at each other. locke and yuffie’s jaws both drop)

Algus and Argath: “YOU!”

Algus: “Remove yourself from my sight!”

Argath: “I was going to say the same!”

Both: “Hmph!”

(they both storm off. yuffie and locke look at each other)

Locke: “…There’s more than one now?”

Yuffie: *reaching back under the couch* “Scary.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(next we go to a brand new building which has ‘RPG Main Character Syndrome Intensive Therapy Center’ displayed above the door. inside, zack and cloud are meeting in front of a counter, each holding a clipboard. bria sits behind the counter doing something on a computer.)

Cloud: “How’s Link today?”

Zack: “As…outspoken as always. I’d really like to know what that guy’s been through, because no one should be that messed up.”

Cloud: “He might be the most hopeless case we’ll ever find.”

Zack: “I hope so. I’m scared to think there might be someone worse out there.” *goes behind the counter* “How’s the new record keeping system coming, Bria?”

Bria: “Oh, just fine. I should have everything updated and into the system by the end of the week. Then it’ll be easier for me to enter your notes and keep track of everyone’s progress.”

Zack: “Speaking of progress, how’s Rudy doing?”

Cloud: “I had him talking yesterday for a good five minutes about something other than the wind mouse.”

Zack: “That’s great! What was he talking about?”

Cloud: “…This picture he drew.”

Zack: “…Of a wind mouse?”

Cloud: “…Yes.” *pause* “But it took him awhile to actually talk about the wind mouse!”

Zack: “I guess that’s better than nothing. What about Serge?”

Cloud: *shrugs* “He’s the same as ever. Weird.”

Zack: “Well, hopefully we’ll get some new patients soon and they’ll be a little…uh…easier to handle.” *looks at computer* “Bria, are you entering in all that background data as well?”

Bria: “Yeah, I’ve been putting in whatever you’ve given me. I don’t have much on Link, though.”

Zack: “Zelda really didn’t go into too much detail when she dropped him off here.”

Cloud: “Maybe we should try and get more information. That might be helpful.”

Zack: “You’re right. I’ll have to make an appointment to go and talk with her.” *glances down at clipboard* “But in his condition, I don’t know how helpful anything could really be.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, at the other therapy center, they’re not hard up for business. koudelka is sitting with jack. she looks rather bored. he’s crying and has many tissues in his hands.)

Jack: “I tried to stay away from him! I really did! But I was too worried about him! I just had to see how he was.”

Koudelka: “You ever see that show ‘Intervention’, Jack?”

Jack: “No.”

Koudelka: “Just wondering.”

Jack: “But I think as long as I’m getting therapy from you, things’ll be okay. They’ll be okay, right?”

Koudelka: “I know my kid’s college fund will be.”

(a few minutes later jack leaves. koudelka goes over to the front desk. the door to the daycare center is open and the voices of the happily playing children can be heard, as well as cid and zidane’s voices. koudelka smiles a little and sits down at the desk. then yuri walks over)

Yuri: “I think he’s FINALLY stopped calling me.”

Koudelka: “I’m still surprised he was that obsessed with you.”

Yuri: “Hey! I’m a good looking guy with a decent job who’s good in bed! What’s not to obsess over?”

Koudelka: “Um…I’ll give you one and half out of three on that one.”

Yuri: *frowns* “Anyway, now that I finally got Nikki off my back I think I’m ready to date again!”

Koudelka: “So call one of those escort services.”

Yuri: “I said *date*.”

Koudelka: “Oh.”

Yuri: “Don’t you have a female friend you could set me up with?”

Koudelka: “Even if I had any single female friends I wouldn’t set them up with you if I wanted them to stay my friend.”

Yuri: “Hey!”

(the phone rings. koudelka picks it up)

Koudelka: “Video Game Character Therapy Center. …Hold on a second.” *yells* “Zidane! Phone call!”

(zidane comes out of the daycare room)

Zidane: “Phone call? Who is it?”

Koudelka: “I don’t know, sounds like a girl.”

Yuri: “Hey, Zidane. Do you know any girls that would like to go out with me?”

Zidane: “Nah…but I could probably think of a few guys who might be interested.”

Yuri: “No! I am DONE with men!”

(he stomps off. zidane shrugs and picks up the phone.)

Koudelka: “He says that, but he’ll be back.”

Zidane: *into the phone* “Hello? ……You? What do you want? …………What?! When did that happen?” *listens then sighs* “Well, I have to work tonight, but I’ll stop over before that. ….Okay, bye.” *hangs up* “That was weird.”

Koudelka: “Problem?”

Zidane: “Kind of, I guess. That was my sort of brother.”

Koudelka: “That was a guy?”

Zidane: “I know. Well, turns out my sort of father died awhile ago and he just got his hands on the will.”

Koudelka: “Oh…I’m…sorry?”

Zidane: *shrugs* “Not a big deal. We weren’t close. And I don’t think there’s anything in that will to get excited about.”

Cid’s voice: *yells* “Zidane! Come get #@$#$%^ Bowser Jr. off my #@$#%^& head!”

Zidane: “Coming!”

(he runs back into the daycare room. koudelka starts to sort some papers and the phone rings again. she answers it.)

Koudelka: “Video Game Character Therapy Center.” *pauses then sighs* “Jack, you *just* left. ……I’m charging you for this.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, over at dante’s place, algus is rapping on the door. the bushes next to him keep shaking a little bit. he glares at them)

Algus: “Vile squirrels!”

(dante finally opens the door.)

Dante: “Oh, hey. Algus, right? Wasn’t expecting you.”

Algus: “I am looking for your inferior twin. What name does he go by now? Lloyd? Vergil? Nero…something brainless?”

Dante: “Oh him. He’s actually changed his name to Chet now, but nobody calls him that. You can call him dumb ass for all I care.” *yells* “Nelo Angelo! You have a visitor!”

Lloyd’s voice: “My name’s Chet now, you jerkoff!”

(he comes stomping into view, a dirty toothbrush in his hand. he sees algus and frowns)

Lloyd: “What do *you* want?”

Algus: “I’m wondering if you’re still interested in a job.”

Lloyd: “…Maybe… Why?”

Algus: “Well, I am auditioning people for an…unpaid staff position. In exchange for service you will get food and shelter. Are you interested?”

Lloyd: “Am I gonna be a slave?”

Algus: “I guarantee it will look excellent on a resume. But you’ll have to prove yourself first. I’ll not just hire any idiot to be my slave.” *frowns* “Again.”

Lloyd: “Well…I guess. When does the audition start?”

Algus: “Right now.” *pause* “What are you doing with the toothbrush?”

Lloyd: *scowls* “Dante was making me clean the toilet with it.”

Algus: *smiles* “Ah, perhaps I chose the right candidate after all. You can continue your work on my bathroom. But it requires special polish. It’s gold plated.”

Lloyd: “Gold plated? You serious?”

Algus: “No talking. Slaves should be seen occasionally to show status but never heard. Now follow me.”

(they leave, lloyd slamming the door behind him. dante, who had been listening to the whole conversation, goes back into the kitchen where alucard is reading the paper)

Alucard: “Who was that?”

Dante: “Algus. He was recruiting Lloyd to audition for his slave.”

Alucard: “And he went with him?”

Dante: “No job’s too low for Lloyd. Besides, knowing him he’ll never pass the audition. Algus’ll fire him the first time he smacks his stupid head on something and breaks it in half.”

Alucard: “By the way, you still have to replace the shower curtain rod.”

Dante: “He’s paying for that.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(over at dracula’s, d walks into the living room, humming a song to himself. then he suddenly stops dead in his tracks when he sees dracula in the middle of the room, dancing like a ballerina…to no music.)

D: “Dad?”

Dracula: “Be quiet, Alucard! I’m in the middle of a performance!”

D: “I’m not Alucard. I’m D, father.”

Dracula: “Be quiet, Death! Or I’ll kill you myself!” *stops dancing and laughs* “Now that’s just silly. I can’t kill Death! He invented death!”

D: “Dad, why were you dancing?”

Dracula: “What’s dancing?”

Hand: “It’s like talking to a wall.”

D: “Are you hungry, dad? It’s almost time for dinner.”

Dracula: “Not now, son! I’m calling the sugar plum fairies!” *starts dancing again*

D: “What?”

Dracula: “They can’t hear me if you keep talking!”

D: “…Okay. I’ll just be in the kitchen.”

(he leaves. dracula stops dancing and looks up at the ceiling)

Dracula: “Oh, where are you?! How am I supposed to make the smoothies if I have no sugar plum fairies!?” *pause* “Why is there a bright yellow orb in the middle of the ceiling? Are you a sugar plum fairy?”

(back in the kitchen, d is doing a crossword puzzle.)

Dracula’s voice: “Ow! Son! The sugar plum fairies bite! And they wonder why we slaughter them for smoothies!”

D: “……………” *shakes his head*

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so, following his day at the daycare center, zidane goes over to loser land where he has to bang on the door extra loud, because ever since hojo went to prison it’s been harder to get anyone to answer the door. finally nida answers.)

Nida: “Scarlet and I set a date for our wedding! And you’re not invited!”

Zidane: “Don’t care.”

Nida: “Just kidding! Everyone’s invited. Except Squall. Because I want everyone to see what a beautiful girl I’m marrying!”

Zidane: *blink blink* “You’re still marrying Scarlet, right?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Blinded by love!”

Zidane: “Where’s Kuja?”

Nida: “Counting his money.”

Zidane: “Money? What money?”

Nida: “Now that Hojo’s in jail, he can’t collect the money from his porn web sites anymore. So Kuja’s been taking all of it.”

Zidane: “Gross.”

(Kuja glides into the room)

Kuja: “Ah, Zidane. I’m surprised you actually showed up. Hope you’re not expecting diamonds or large sums of money in Garland’s will.”

Zidane: “I’m not deluded like Nida is. Let’s just get this over with, okay? I have to get to the club.”

Kuja: “I bet business has dropped off since Hojo was incarcerated.”

Zidane: “Sickeningly yes. I guess one person can make a difference.”

(kuja goes over to a table, and spreads out a lone piece of paper.)

Zidane: “Have you looked at this yet?”

Kuja: “No. I was given strict instructions that we had to look at it together.”

(they both lean over and start to read it. as they go on, zidane’s eyes start to widen more and more and kuja’s eyebrows start to arch up. nida is trying to peer over their shoulders and read it. finally kuja reaches out and swipes him across the face.)

Nida: *grabs his face* “Ow! Your nails! What’re you, a cat?!”

(finally they finish reading, straighten up, and stare at one another in shock.)

Zidane: “Did you have any idea he was worth that kind of money?”

Kuja: “Are you kidding? If I did I certainly wouldn’t have waited for you to read it, strict instructions or not!”

(they both look back at the will.)

Zidane: “What does it mean that the most worthy will collect it all?”

Kuja: “Maybe it means a fight to the death?” *reaches for a knife on the table*

Zidane: “Wait, there’s more here. Turn it over.”

(they do, and quickly read it.)

Both: “WHAT?!”

Nida: *still holding his face* “What? What does it say?”

Kuja: “We have to *split* everything! How unfair!”

Zidane: “What? What do you *mean* unfair? You can’t be more fair than that!”

Kuja: “But he made a big deal saying that he could only leave his fortune to the most *worthy* — clearly, me!”

Zidane: “What you mean *clearly* you? The only thing you *clearly* are is a cross dresser!”

Kuja: “Well *excuse* me, but I think having me be executor of his will speaks enough for my *worth*.”

Zidane: “Oh, big deal, you unwrapped a piece of paper! Heidegger’s skunk could do that!”

Stinky: *snort*

Kuja: “We’ll see who’s splitting anything after I talk to my lawyer!”

Zidane: “Fine! Then *I’ll* get a lawyer! And I’ll take your half too! And then we’ll see who’s *worthy*!”

(he stomps out, slamming the door behind him. kuja snatches up the will and stalks out of the room. then scarlet comes in.)

Scarlet: “What the hell was all that yelling about? I was trying to have a phone conversation with a cust—er…I mean wedding vendor!”

Heidegger: “Night job! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “Kuja and the other guy with the tail got in a fight over some dead guy’s will. Then Kuja scratched me in the face. You should go yell at him.”

Scarlet: “Why? You probably deserved it.”

Heidegger: “Divorce guaranteed! Gya haa haa!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back at the ramble room, algus, argath and their respective slaves meet in the ramble room. argath’s slave is some older looking man. both slaves are standing behind their masters, although lloyd is fidgety.)

Algus: “So. Where is this will you spoke of?”

Argath: “I don’t really think we have adequate time to sit down and discuss it now. It’s nearly forty pages long. You know our dear uncle owned nearly half of Lindonbul.”

Algus: “Never mind the plantations south of Westonwood.” *frowns* “Very well. I suppose we’re better off starting in the morning.”

Lloyd: *whines* “Can I go home, then? My back hurts from all that toilet cleaning!”

(algus looks mortified. argath peers over at lloyd looking confused.)

Argath: “I’m sorry…did your slave just speak?”

Algus: *turns and glares at lloyd* “Get out of my sight!”

Lloyd: “Am I fired?”

Algus: “Get out!!”

Lloyd: “You didn’t say the word fired, so I’m gonna show up again tomorrow.”

Algus: “OUT!”

(lloyd scurries out. algus looks furious. argath smiles smugly.)

Argath: “Slave trouble, brother? Sad, really. I would have thought you would have learned how to train them by now. I don’t even know mine’s name.”

Algus: “Yes, well, I’m stuck training a new slave now. My old one died. Too much whipping.”

Argath: “I hate when that happens.”

(then there are loud voices in the hall and sephiroth enters with vincent)

Sephiroth: “And I said there is no *way* that I am cutting the ribbon at the grand opening of your torture device hut. I don’t know what kind of weirdoes hang out at that kind of place! I don’t want to be associated with them!”

(he notices algus. and argath. and looks confused.)

Sephiroth: “What the… Was there a cloning machine in Rich And Pompous Weekly or something?”

Algus: “Yes, but I did not purchase it. What you’re unfortunately seeing here is my younger brother, Argath.”

Sephiroth: “You have a twin brother?”

Algus: “He regrettably shares my birth date and face, yes.”

Vincent: “You are absolutely identical.”

Algus: “I’m afraid it begins and ends with our appearances.”

Argath: “I know when I’m not wanted, Algus. Good night to you then. Come, slave.”

Algus: “Good night to *you*.”

(they both stomp off. sephiroth and vincent look at each other.)

Sephiroth: “Algus has a twin? Even *I’m* a little scared.”

Vincent: “I somehow doubt their face is all they have in common…”

Sephiroth: “Wait till Lark—“ *stops abruptly and sighs in annoyance* “Argh! You’d think after all this time I would *stop* making that mistake.” *stomps out*

Vincent: “You need to stop being so hard on yourself about it, angel.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(life goes on, days go by. back in the real world, the girls are once again in lark’s car, heading towards their class. shell is playing around with the radio.)

Ashley: “I did it again last night.”

Lark: “You did? Me too!”

Shell: “Oh please! You two are always watching those videos! I’m surprised your DVD players haven’t exploded by now.”

Ashley: “You’re one to talk! You still keep a picture of Rude on your night stand!”

Lark: “Besides, they’re funny! I crack up every time Reno trips over that sombrero.”

Ashley: “Me too!”

Shell: “That was pretty funny, I guess.”

(she stops playing with the radio. “I’ve got you babe” is playing. the girls all exchange looks and smiles before they burst out laughing. they continue on.)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back in the ‘neutral’ dimension, we go to bowser’s estate. he is sitting inside a large office which has dark paneled walls and has large oil paintings of different Bowser ancestors hanging all over the walls. bowser himself is seated behind a huge desk which is not kept very tidy. there are piles of papers all over it. bowser is on the phone.)

Bowser: “I thought you were supposed to be a *good* lawyer! All your TV ads said so! ………I don’t care if she was found naked in a car with some guy who was handing her money! My daughter is *not* a prostitute! She was just borrowing it!” *frowns and listens* “You better get her found innocent, or you’ll regret it! I’ve got more than one castle to hide bodies in, you know!”

(he slams down the phone and sighs deeply, his head in his hands. seconds later bowser jr. runs in, holding a toy plane up in his hand and making shooting noises. he proceeds run around his dad’s desk)

Jr: “Ka-POW! Boomboomboomboomboom! You’re dead! Ka-POW! You’re dead! Bambambambambambam! I got you!”

Bowser: *roars* “Jr! Get out of here right now!”

Jr: “I’m bored! Nobody’s here to play with me!”

Bowser: “Where’s your brother, Morton?”

Jr: “He went out.”

Bowser: “I took his keys!”

Jr: “He said he ‘hot wired’ it.”

Bowser: “Argh! Well what about Larry?”

Jr: “He’s trying to pry off the lock you put on the medicine cabinet.”

Bowser: “ARGH! You damn kids are gonna be the death of me! No wonder your mother wanted nothing to do with you! Now get out of here!”

(bowser jr. hangs his head and leaves sadly. bowser’s phone rings again. he picks it up angrily)

Bowser: *snaps* “Hello?! …Yes, this is Bowser, who is this?” *pauses to listen and the color slowly starts to drain from his face* “You?! But I thought you were sealed– ……………What? No! I can’t do that, I’ll— ……………Heh, have you ever met him? Because if you did I bet you wouldn’t be threatening–……………” *sighs and rubs his forehead* “Fine, fine! In that case, I’ll do it. Just tell me when.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, zell and franswa are standing near the door of the ramble room. franswa has his coat on and is holding a pile of papers.)

Franswa: “I hope the editor thinks these recipes are good enough for a cookbook.”

Zell: “Of course she will! Those recipes are awesome!”

Franswa: “I can’t believe I’m going to have my own cookbook. …It’s kind of surreal.”

Zell: “That’s what happens when you’re the chef at a popular restaurant!”

Franswa: *blushes* “Well, I better get going if I’m going to get to the meeting in time. I’ll see you later.”

Zell: “Good luck!”

(they quickly kiss and franswa leaves. zell goes to leave the room himself and nearly bumps into seifer)

Seifer: “Zell! There you are! I’ve been looking all over the place!”

Zell: “It better not be ‘cause you’re looking to give me another wedgie!”

Seifer: *laughs* “That was awesome.”

Zell: “You only got me because I was asleep!”

Seifer: “As funny as that was—“

Zell: “I don’t think it was!”

Seifer: “—I actually need to ask you something pretty serious.” *hesitates* “Uh…Zell…can you make me gay?”

Zell: “WHAT?!”

Seifer: “Everyone keeps telling me I’m really bad in bed! I think I’m beyond hope!”

Zell: “What does that have to do with being gay?”

Seifer: “I think I’d be better with dudes, you know? ‘Cause I am one!”

Zell: “You are?”

Seifer: “Not funny, chicken wuss!”

Zell: “You’re an idiot, Seifer! You can’t just make someone gay!”

Seifer: “Why not? It seems kinda catching around here! Like a disease!”

Zell: “You’re a disease!” *raises fists*

Seifer: “I’m not trying to make fun of you this time! I’m really serious! I took this sex quiz online, and after I submitted it I got the page does not exist message! I think my score was so low I broke it!”

Zell: “Seifer, you’re not attracted to guys, are you?”

Seifer: “No! Gross! I’m not a homo!”

Zell: “I’ve got stuff to do.” *goes to leave*

Seifer: “Wait! No! Zell! That’s why you gotta fix me! You have to train me to like dudes!”

(zell leaves. seifer goes into the hallway and calls after him)

Seifer: “Zell!! Zell!! You’re not gonna tell anybody that I want to be gay, are you? Because there are more wedgies where that came from!”

(he then turns around to see squall standing behind him. seifer looks very startled to see him.)

Seifer: “Uh, hey, Squall. …Nice day. Heh. You didn’t hear any of that, did you?” *sweat drops*

Squall: “…This certainly explains the Viagra.” *walks away*

Seifer: “I was joking! It was a joke! Heh heh. Funny, right? Squall? Squall?!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in an office building across town, we have sunshine who is walking down a hallway with phoenix wright.)

Phoenix: “I’m glad to have you on the team.”

Sunshine: “Glad to be here. I think your idea of having lawyers who all have different specialties in one office is a great one. And I’m pretty flattered to be the first one chosen.”

Phoenix: “Well, you are the best tax and estate lawyer around.”

(sunshine blushes as they walk into the main office. there is a teenage girl there hanging up the phone)

Girl: “Nick! There you are. Edgeworth just called, but you missed him. He had to go into court.”

Phoenix: “I’ll talk to him later. Maya, I want you to meet Sunshine Johansen, she’ll be joining our practice and handling taxes and estates. Sunshine, this is Maya, she…kind of works here.”

Maya: “Hi! Nice to meet you.”

Sunshine: “Nice to meet you too.”

Maya: “Gumshoe also called for you, Nick. He said it was urgent.”

Phoenix: “Probably just wants to mooch a free lunch off me again. I’ll go call him quick and then I’ll show you to your office.”

Sunshine: “Take your time.”

(he leaves.)

Maya: “So, you’re Sunshine, huh? That’s a really pretty name.”

Sunshine: “Thank you. I like your necklace.”

Maya: “You mean this? Oh, it’s no big deal. Just part of my spirit medium costume.”

Sunshine: “Spirit medium?” *her cell phone starts to ring* “Excuse me.” *digs it out and answers* “Hello? ….Zidane? What’s up?” *listens for a long time* “Oh, I see. Well yeah, I’d be happy to help you. Could you come down to my office sometime this week? ………Great, see you then. Bye.”

(she hangs up just as phoenix comes back out)

Maya: “What did Gumshoe want?”

Phoenix: “Oh, nothing important. Just wanted to whine about his salary again. You know how he gets.” *to sunshine* “So, let’s get you settled in your office.”

Maya: “Let me know if you need anything!”

Sunshine: “Thanks.”

(she and phoenix continue down the hall together.)

Sunshine: “She seems sweet.”

Phoenix: “Maya? Yeah. I guess you could say she’s like a sister to me. Her sister, Mia Fey, she used own this practice. She was my mentor, and my friend, before she was killed.”

Sunshine: “Oh, how awful!”

Phoenix: “It was. But Mia and I still get to talk now and then through Maya. She’s a spirit medium, which basically means she has the power to channel the dead.”

Sunshine: “That’s amazing.”

Phoenix: “It is. And it’s also come in handy more than once.” *flicks the light on in an office* “Here you go. Welcome to Wright & Co. law offices.”

Sunshine: *smiles* “Thanks.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back at the ramble room, rude is at dante’s door. the two of them are making an “exchange”. rude is taking a wad of cash while dante is taking a plastic bag full of green leaves. reno heads across the street towards him just as they’re finishing up.)

Rude: “Thanks for your business.”

Dante: “Thanks for the free delivery.”

(dante shuts the door and rude puts the money in his pocket. him and reno meet on the lawn.)

Reno: “Hey, dude.”

Rude: “Hey.”

Reno: “How’s business?”

Rude: “Can’t complain. What’s up?”

Reno: “Not much. Wanna come down to the bar?”

Rude: “The bar? Tonight?”

Reno: “Yeah, why not?”

Rude: “Kinda have to be up early…and focused…tomorrow.”

Reno: “Yeah, so?”

Rude: “We don’t need you hung over.”

Reno: “Dude! Have I ever been hung over on a mission?”

Rude: “No. And I’d like to keep it that way.”

Reno: “No worries, man! It’s me!”

Rude: *peers over his sunglasses and smiles at reno* “Yeah. I know.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day. algus and argath are seated in a room before a large table. their slaves are sitting in chairs against the wall on opposite sides of the room. argath’s slave is sitting quietly, but lloyd is tapping his foot and looking up at the ceiling. there is a large stack of papers on the table.)

Argath: “Well, here is our dear Uncle’s will. Which *I* was made the executor of.”

Algus: “If I was constantly licking his boots clean, I’m sure I too could have earned that. Unfortunately I don’t share your taste for mud.”

Argath: *glares* “I dare say you would if you weren’t too busy taking whatever wasn’t bolted to the floor in grandma-ma’s country home!”

Algus: “There wasn’t much left after you sunk your claws into it!”

Argath: “80% of it was mine!”

Algus: “Ass kisser!”

Argath: “Brown noser!”

Algus: “Suck up!”

Argath: “Kiss ass!”

(they both glare at each other fiercely. then they both straighten up and look at the papers)

Algus: “Back to business, then.”

Argath: “Let’s get this over with as quickly as possible.”

Algus: *flipping through the papers* “Why didn’t our Uncle just leave specific items to us?”

Argath: “I do not know. All he stipulates is that everything be divided evenly. Then the rest is a list of all he owns, including the approximate value.”

Algus: “He did own quite a bit of valuable land, never mind his actual property…”

Argath: “Or award winning animals.”

Algus: “Or vehicles.”

Argath: “His slaves, unfortunately, were freed according to the will.”

Algus: “Pity.”

Argath: “Yes. I quite dislike that trend.”

Algus: “So shall we start at the beginning then?”

Argath: “I suppose there’s no better place to start.”

Algus: *reading* “First, Uncle’s summer mansion overlooking Beckinfool’s falls. Approximate value, 30.4 million dollars.”

Both: *glare at each other* “I want it!”

(they frown and look away from each other)

Argath: “Slave! Better put some coffee on.”

Algus: “Some good, strong coffee.”

Lloyd: “I want cream and sugar in mine!”

Argath: *blink blink* “What was that noise?”

Algus: *turns and glares at lloyd* “Nothing. Just a door slamming. Which will happen again in someone’s face if I hear something like that again!”

Argath: “The coffee, slave.”

Slave: “Right away, master.” *hurries off*

Algus: “Now, where were we?”

Argath: “On Uncle’s summer mansion, I believe.”

Algus: “Ah, yes.”

Both: *glaring* “I want it!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in loser land, kuja and seymour are sitting at the kitchen table having breakfast while nida happily pours himself some cereal. scarlet and heidegger are nowhere to be found.)

Kuja: *shoving the will in seymour’s face* “Would you look at these figures! Look at them! Who would have guessed that old geezer was worth this kind of money!”

Seymour: “I know! I saw! You don’t have to shove it in my face. I just put my makeup on.”

Kuja: *slams it on table* “Zidane. That idiot. Thinks he’s going to get a lawyer! I’ll show him! Who knows a good lawyer?”

Nida: “Sunshine’s a lawyer!”

Kuja: “That’s right!”

Seymour: “How could you forget about her?”

Kuja: “I’m often too focused on myself to notice others.”

Nida: “After I marry Scarlet, I’ll be her step dad! Won’t that be cool?”

Kuja: “Creepy… Give me her phone number.”

Nida: *frowns* “Um… I kinda don’t have it…anymore.”

Seymour: “Why not? I thought you used to call her all the time!”

Nida: “I did! Then all of the sudden that number was no longer in service! I think her phone is broken or something.”

Seymour: “More like she changed her number to stop you from stalking her.”

Nida: “No way! I’d never stalk anybody!”

Seymour: “You stalk Squall all the time! You wrote ‘stalk Squall’ on the calendar for yesterday!”

Nida: “Somebody else must have wrote that! I didn’t even see Squall yesterday.” *mutters* “Damn those new glass free doors.”

Kuja: “I’ll ask Scarlet. Hopefully she has her own daughter’s number.”

(speaking of scarlet, she walks in looking like a mess.)

Scarlet: “Ask me what?”

Kuja: “For Sunshine’s number.”

Scarlet: “Oh, it’s the number two speed dial on the phone.”

Nida: *lights up* “It is?”

Scarlet: “Oh crap.”

Nida: “Now I can tell her about all the wedding plans!”

Scarlet: “She’s gonna kill me.” *looks around* “Where’s Heidegger?”

Seymour: “He went out for a morning walk.”

Scarlet: “He’s not still going through people’s garbage, is he?”

Seymour: “Once he found out there was a lot of half eaten food in there there’s just been no stopping him.”

Nida: “Maybe he’ll get hit by a truck. Then he’s the city’s problem!”

(kuja flounces over to the phone. he’s about to pick it up when it rings. he answers it.)

Kuja: “Hello?” *annoyed sigh* “You? What do you want? ………No, I need to make an important phone call, and nobody wants to talk to you.” *annoyed sigh* “Fine, I’ll ask.” *turns to everyone* “Anybody wanna talk to Hojo?”

Everyone: “No.”

Kuja: *back to the phone* “No. ………I don’t care if this is the only phone call you can make all day. It’s not my fault you’re a sick weirdo. You shouldn’t have let that detective girl move in here. Good-bye.” *hangs up*

Seymour: “What did he want?”

Kuja: “To complain, what else?” *picks up phone again and hits the speed dial* “Did he really think prison was going to be like those porn movies he downloaded? Please. …Hello? Oh, hello, Sunshine. It’s Kuja. I have a problem with a will and I was wondering if you could help me out. …………………Oh. …………………*Oh*, you’re kidding. …………I see. Well, thanks anyway.” *slams phone down* “It seems that little slug Zidane has already retained her! He’s meeting with her today! What, did he run out the door dialing the phone!? Argh! Well now what?”

Seymour: “Don’t worry, hon. There are plenty of other lawyers out there.”

Kuja: “Do you know a good one?”

Scarlet: “I know a few…but I wouldn’t call them good. They weren’t able to get me off.”

Nida: “You mean from jail time?”

Scarlet: “Uh, yeah. That too.”

Kuja: “Gross. Well I need to find a *good* lawyer! One better than Sunshine!”

Nida: “That’s gonna be pretty hard! Look, she’s in the paper today! She’s with a new law firm now. And they’re picking only the best of the best!”

Scarlet: “Gimme it.” *snatches it* “Wow, someone in my family is in the paper! And it’s not in the police blotter section!”

Kuja: “Argh!! That Zidane! I’ll get him! I’ll take every cent of that money, you just wait and see! Seymour, get me the phone book!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, the turks are driving along in a plain black sedan. rude is driving, tseng is sitting up front. reno is sitting in the back, his head resting on the window. he looks tired. they are all wearing their little ear pieces that let them communicate with each other in the field. elena is not with them, but her voice can be heard over their earpieces…)

Tseng: “Base, you read me?”

Elena’s voice: “Copy, boss.”

Tseng: “Good. Let’s keep it low-profile, boys. The quicker we get in and out of this place the better. We barely want them to see our faces, let alone know our names.”

Rude: “Got it, boss.”

Tseng: *turns to look at reno* “You sick or something?”

Reno: *sits up straight* “Nah, I’m straight.”

Tseng: “You don’t look very ready.”

Reno: “Of course I’m ready! I’m a Turk!”

Tseng: “All right, here we go. Let’s do this and get back to the car.”

Rude and Reno: “Got it, boss.”

(all three throw their doors open at the same moment. tseng goes off in one direction, and reno and rude in another. they go down an alley quietly, sticking close to the wall. rude seems very focused. reno seems somewhat distracted. rude stops and turns back to look at reno, who is looking in the other direction)

Rude: *softly* “Hey.” *no reaction* “Hey!”

Reno: *turns to him* “What?”

Rude: “You first, remember?” *gestures towards a nearby door with his head*

Reno: “Yeah, I know.”

(he reaches into his jacket, goes to take a step forward, but then steps back.)

Rude: *hisses* “What is wrong with you? Are you hung over?”

Reno: “No! I got this! Stay back and keep your pants up. This is easy.”

(he goes into his jacket and this time it stays there like he’s holding onto something. he goes up to the door and peers through the grimy glass in the middle. he can’t see anything. slowly he nudges it open and looks around. still nothing.)

Reno: “Okay, let’s go.”

(rude follows reno into the room, and reno lets the door go. it slams behind them. not a second later a man jumps out from behind the stairway, a gun in his hand)

Rude: “Hit the deck!”

(the man starts shooting. panicking and cursing they both dive out of the way. reno removes his hand from inside his coat and a gun comes with it. he fumbles, and the gun hits the floor.)

Reno: “Sh*t!”

(still on the floor, reno goes to pick the gun up, but before he does, the man comes over and kicks the gun across the room to where rude is lying still. reno glances over and sees rude’s body lying where the gun skids to a halt. his eyes widen. then he looks over and sees the man holding a gun right in front of his head.)

Man: “Now’s the time to pray, scumbag.”

(but before he can shoot there’s a click from the other side of the room. both the man and reno glance over to see rude on his feet, reno’s gun in his hand. he’s not injured at all. in the next instant several shots ring out. the man with the gun gets shot fatally, and falls to the floor in a heap. but he had already gotten off some shots. rude groans in pain and grabs his side, falling to the ground and hitting his head on the floor. he lies still. reno’s eyes go as wide as they can go. not even bothering to really get up off the floor he scrambles to rude’s side and tries to lift up his head)

Reno: “No!! No!! Dude! Talk to me!! Open your eyes!”

(but rude’s eyes just roll back in his head. he’s breathing, but limp.)

Reno: “Stay with me, man!! Stay with me!!!”

(still nothing. reno is practically hysterical. he presses the button on his earpiece)

Reno: *yells* “Base, we have a man down! Do you copy?” *he waits but there’s no response* “BASE!! We have a MAN DOWN! Do you *copy*?” *still nothing* “Base!! Come in, base! Do you copy?!?! Hello?? I NEED HELP!!! Come in, base!! Base?! BASE?!?! ELENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, zidane arrives at wright & co. law offices. he walks in looking a bit nervous. maya comes over)

Maya: “Hi! Welcome to Wright & Co. law offices! How can I help you?”

Zidane: “Hey! Um, is Sunshine here?”

Maya: “She sure is! Last office on the right.”

Zidane: “Thanks.”

Maya: “No problem!”

(so zidane goes down to the last office on the right and sure enough sunshine is sitting behind the desk. she smiles when she sees zidane)

Sunshine: “Zidane! Hey! Come on in, have a seat.”

Zidane: *comes inside and sits* “Thanks for helping me out.”

Sunshine: “No problem! So, what exactly is going on here?”

Zidane: “Well, my sort of father, Garland, died, and in his will he divided everything between Kuja and me.”

Sunshine: “Okay…and that’s a problem?”

Zidane: “Kuja seems to think so! He thinks he should get everything! And he said he was gonna fight the will and take everything! So I said *I’d* fight it and take everything! So…uh…here we are.”

Sunshine: “I see. So would you be happy if things ended as Garland intended them – with each of you getting half?”

Zidane: “No way! After what a jerk he’s being? I want it all!”

Sunshine: “Okay…” *pause* “You know, Zidane, contesting a will is not an easy thing. It’s a legally binding document. You do have standing, but you should know that this could lead nowhere, and you both might have to end up splitting the money whether you like it or not.”

Zidane: “Yeah, but you’re a good lawyer, right?”

Sunshine: “Yes…”

Zidane: “So you should be able to do it! I trust you!”

Sunshine: *sigh* “I’ll do what I can, all right? But I see what you mean about Kuja. He called me up this morning and asked me to represent him.”

Zidane: “He did?! What a jerk! You’re my lawyer! I’ve used you before! You told him no, right?”

Sunshine: “Of course I did! That’s a total conflict of interest!”

Zidane: “…Right! Totally.”

Sunshine: “So we’ll get the paperwork started and see what happens. I’m sure Kuja’s on his way to hiring a lawyer of his own.”

Zidane: *snorts* “Yeah, but who could he get? You’re the best one around!”

(flash back to loser land, where kuja is finally hanging up the phone. he looks tired. seymour is sitting at the table, filing his nails and looking bored)

Kuja: “Well, I think I finally found someone good enough to represent me.”

Seymour: *no enthusiasm* “Hoorah.”

Kuja: “She definitely sounds determined, and she assured me that she always whips the competition. She sounded like a total bitch, which is a good thing in a lawyer, I think.”

Seymour: *biting his nail* “Uh-huh.”

Kuja: *smacks his hand away* “Stop that.”

Seymour: “Ow!” *cradles hand and frowns* “So she’s a bitch, huh? You two should get along great.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, vincent is sitting on the couch. sephiroth is laying down on the couch with his head in vincent’s lap. vincent is idly petting sephiroth’s hair.)

Sephiroth: “It’s so boring around here lately.”

Vincent: “Perhaps we should take a trip.”

Sephiroth: “I’m not that bored.”

Vincent: “Perhaps you should think of volunteering. You’ll be keeping busy and helping the community.”

Sephiroth: “Vincent, sometimes I feel like you don’t know me at all.”

Vincent: “Anything is worth a try, angel.”

Sephiroth: *snort* “Volunteering. That sounds like something Auron would do. Have you been talking to him again?”

Vincent: “Well he did tell me he had started volunteering—“

Sephiroth: *groans*

Vincent: “I thought it sounded like a nice thing to do.”

Sephiroth: “Of course it does. The only thing that guy knows how to do is make himself look good! I bet while he was ‘volunteering’ he saved the lives of twelve sick puppies and saved twenty wheelchair bound children from a burning bus.”

Vincent: “Don’t be silly. No man could do that.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t think Auron thinks of himself as a man. More like a gift from above.” *pause* “Thinking about it, him and Dante have a lot in common.”

Vincent: *small smile*

Sephiroth: “What? No comment?”

Vincent: “Nothing, angel. I just think that if you have so much time on your hands you should find a constructive use for it.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t think there are that many burning buses full of children in the world, Vincent.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(we go next to the hospital. reno is sitting outside a room looking very jumpy. his leg is bouncing up and down and he’s chewing nervously on his fingernail. his eyes are all red. elena, tseng and rufus are all running toward him)

Elena: “Reno!”

Reno: *jumps to his feet* “Elena!”

Elena: *hugs him* “How is he? Is he okay?”

Reno: “I-I don’t know.”

Tseng: “What happened?”

Reno: “There was this guy…and a-a gun. He got hit twice, maybe three times. They haven’t told me nothin’.” *starts pacing*

Elena: “The power on the communications hub went down – I don’t know what happened.”

Rufus: “We’ll look into something else.”

Tseng: “You did the right thing getting him here as quick as you could. Good job.”

(reno is still pacing, his face has been getting redder and redder as if he’s going to cry. finally he stops pacing and faces tseng)

Reno: “Good job? It’s my fault! All my fault! I-I was hung over, I wasn’t paying attention. I made so many mistakes. Rude saved me! That guy wasn’t aiming for Rude, he was aiming for me. And Rude got him…and he got Rude.” *hangs head* “He got Rude.”

(tseng, elena and rufus are stunned. they look at each other not sure what to say. then a doctor emerges from a door holding a clipboard. he has long, kind of curly blonde hair.)

Doctor: “Hey, I’m Doc. You guys the family of Rude Dhillon?”

Reno: “Uh…”

Rufus: “Yes. How is he?”

Doc: “Well, he took a couple of bullets, but that is one tough dude. Nothing major was hit, so he’ll be fine. We were able to remove all the bullets and he should actually be okay to go home this weekend. ‘Course the nerves in his leg were kind of damaged, so he’ll be walking with a cane for awhile, but with some physical therapy he should heal right up.”

Elena: “Oh thank god!”

Tseng: “Can we see him?”

Doc: “Well, he’s still all sedated right now, but if you come back in a few hours he should be awake. You can pop in on him then.”

Rufus: “We’ll do that. Thanks, Doc.”

Doc: “No problem.”

(he leaves. tseng, rufus and elena all look relaxed and are smiling. reno, however, stands with his shoulders slumped and eyes pointed towards the floor.)

Elena: “See, Reno? He’s going to be fine.”

Reno: “……………”

Rufus: “Why don’t we go get some lunch, then we can come back here and visit?”

Tseng: “Sounds good to me.”

(they all start to leave, but reno doesn’t follow. elena and rufus keep walking, but tseng turns back and goes over to reno)

Tseng: “Hey. You coming?”

Reno: “……………No. Go without me.”

Tseng: *frowns* “Reno, I know how you must feel. But it really wasn’t your fault.”

Reno: *snaps* “To hell it wasn’t, Tseng! Stop trying to make me feel better! You’re my f*$#ing boss! I tell you I was hung over and Rude almost died, and you’re telling me that’s not my fault? That that’s okay? What the #$%^?! I’m a Turk, not your pal. So treat me like one!”

Tseng: “………If you’re looking for punishment, Reno, you won’t get it from me. I think what you’re doing to yourself is enough.” *puts a hand on reno’s shoulder* “I think you already learned your lesson.”

(with that he draws back and walks away to catch up to elena and rufus. reno still stands there looking dejected.)

Reno: “…Yeah. Did I ever…”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, over at the belmont house…the usual crew of tifa, richter, juste and franswa are in the kitchen. tifa and richter are finishing up writing something while juste watches. franswa is sitting next to duke who is in his highchair. franswa is handing him cheerios to eat.)

Tifa: “There! Done! No more seating chart! Both weddings are finished!”

Richter: “I think everyone should be happy with these arrangements.”

Juste: “I’m sure both weddings will run smoothly.”

Tifa: “They better! I’ve planned hard enough!”

Franswa: “Well, by Saturday half of it will be over and you’ll be married.”

Tifa: “It’s coming up so fast! There’s still a lot to do!”

Richter: “Can I do anything to help?”

Tifa: *getting up* “Yes! You can stay out of my way and do what you’re told.”

Richter: “…Okay…”

Tifa: “I have to pick up my dress from the shop.” *kisses duke* “Bye, sweetie.” *kisses richter* “Be back soon.”

(she rushes out. richter looks at juste)

Richter: “Father…is it okay for a Belmont to take orders from his almost wife?”

Juste: “Richter, when it comes to a wedding just lay low and stay out of the bride’s way. No matter who you are.”

Richter: “I suppose she won’t mind if I make sure the favors are boxed up and ready to be transported to the reception hall. Will you lend me a hand, father?”

Juste: “Of course.”

(juste and richter leave, leaving franswa alone with duke.)

Duke: “Fansa! Cheer-o!” *points to box*

Franswa: “Okay, here you go, little guy.” *puts a fresh handful of cheerios in his bowl*

Duke: *grins* “Tanks.” *starts eating*

(zell rushes in)

Zell: “Hey, I knew you’d be here!”

Franswa: “I’m always here.”

Duke: *waves* “Ell Ell!!”

Zell: “Hey, Duke! You keeping Franswa company for me?”

Duke: *giggles* “Fansa!”

Zell: “He’s almost got your name right! Franswa’s not an easy name for a baby to pronounce. And he’s only like one and a half!”

Franswa: “I know, and he’s smart for his age as it is. It’s the Belmont gene, or whatever. So what’s up?”

Zell: “Not much! Now that your cookbook’s a go, have you been working on fixing up the recipes?”

Franswa: “Not yet. After the wedding is over I’ll have more time.”

Zell: “Yeah, I’m sure it’s gonna be fun. I can’t wait till Saturday! I’m still really honored your dad and Tifa asked me to be an usher!”

Franswa: “Why wouldn’t they? I’m their son, and you’re my boyfriend.”

Zell: “I know, but being in someone’s wedding is a big deal! Aren’t you excited to be the best man?”

Franswa: “Yeah, I am. But I think most of my duties will consist of trying to keep my little brother quiet.”

Duke: *claps hands* “Cheero, Fansa! Cheero!”

Franswa: “More already? Do you chew?” *puts more in his bowl* “This is it for you, little guy.”

Zell: “That shouldn’t be too hard. Not like he’s a brat.”

Franswa: “I know. But my dad and Tifa have been stressing out about this wedding so much that I really want everything to go smoothly.”

Zell: “Don’t worry about it, buddy! They’ve planned for everything, right? So they’ll be prepared for everything. It’ll be a great wedding!”

(franswa smiles as he watches duke pick up a cheerio and inspect it before putting it into his mouth and chew away happily.)

Franswa: “…Yeah. I know.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in the real world, the girls are leaving their class and getting into lark’s car.)

Shell: “I’ve been thinking…”

Lark: “What?”

Shell: “What if you had to give Heidegger CPR. Would you do it?”

Ashley: “No. I don’t think even that skunk of his would.”

Lark: “I’d think you’d probably pass out from his smell before you got close enough to perform CPR anyway.”

Shell: “What about Hojo?”

Ashley: “Ew! I don’t know how Kuja ever went near him. Even for that expensive jewelry.”

Lark: “I don’t even want to think about Hojo. He’s the prison system’s problem now.”

Ashley: “You think he got convicted?”

Lark: “Are you kidding me? With all the evidence against him? I’ll be surprised if he ever gets out.”

Shell: “I bet that jury didn’t deliberate for very long.”

Ashley: “You’re right. I forgot how many cameras he had all over the place.” *pause* “You think they took those down?”

Lark: “Yeah. …Yeah. I bet they did. They had to.” *pause* “I guess so, anyway.” *mutters* “…I wish I knew for sure.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, night has fallen over the bowser mansion. inside, bowser jr. is quietly—for once—playing with his toy plane on the floor in the foyer. the house is eerily silent. suddenly there are loud footsteps and the front door opens quietly. jr. looks up to see his father walk in slowly, his face void of all expression. jr. hops up off the floor)

Jr: “Dad! Morton took the car again! And—“

Bowser: *roars* “Go to your room!!”

(jr. looks shocked by this sudden outburst, but his father’s voice was so full of anger that he simply turns around and heads up the stairs. when he gets to the top he turns around and looks back for a moment before continuing on out of sight. bowser, meanwhile, slowly closes the door behind him and leans against it looking suddenly exhausted.)

Bowser: “….What have I done…??”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the day of the wedding quickly arrives. it’s a nice day, but overcast. a nice day for vampires, at least. alucard, d, and dante are getting ready to leave the castle to go to the wedding. dracula is following them.)

Dracula: “Where are we going, Alucard?”

Alucard: “I told you, dad, we’re going to a wedding. A wedding you’re lucky to be invited to at all. So just sit quietly, and don’t you dare even think about singing that song you ‘wrote’.”

Dracula: “But everyone loves the story of the stick who loved cabbage!”

Alucard: “No. No they don’t.”

(he, dante and d leave the house and go outside. dracula, however hesitates in the doorway)

D: “Come on, father.”

Dracula: *shakes head* “No! I can’t go out there!”

Alucard: *annoyed sigh* “Yes you can. Your legs are attached to your body today.”

Dracula: “No, Alucard! …There’s an evil presence. I feel it!”

Alucard: *rolls eyes* “What kind of evil presence is it this time?”

Dracula: “…Pigs.”

Dante: *snort* “Pigs? You serious?”

Dracula: “Yes! Now come back inside so we’re safe from them!”

Dante: “Oh no! The evil pig monsters are coming! Maybe I can kill a few, and make a ham sandwich.”

Alucard: “Dad, last week it was the cow monsters, now pigs? How many types of meat are you going to go through before it stops?”

Dante: “At this rate, maybe I could have some lamb monster sandwiches next week.”

Alucard: “Now let’s go.”

(he goes to move, but dracula grabs his arm tight. alucard turns back to look at his father and sees his eyes have a seriousness to them that he has not seen in years)

Dracula: “…I’m serious, Alucard.”

(alucard hesitates. but then he shakes his head)

Alucard: “No, dad! I am not dealing with this right now. I don’t want to be late. Let’s go.”

(and with that he yanks dracula outside and locks the door. dracula stands there cowering a bit, glancing off into the distance)

Dracula: “…They’re coming…”

Dante: “Yeah, and we’re going. Come on.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the ceremony is held outdoors, and everything has been decorated in a simple, but beautiful manner. all the guests have been seated and the music begins. richter takes his place at the end of the aisle with franswa, who is holding duke. they turn and look down the aisle with big smiles on their faces. the procession begins. first there is zack with bria on his arm. then zell and koudelka. the final pair is cloud and yuffie. then elena, the maid of honor, walks down alone. they all take their places up front. then the music changes and everyone stands up as tifa appears, smiling brightly. ritcher can’t take his eyes off her. she begins to walk down the aisle, slowly but steadily. then she arrives next to richter. they smile at each other as he takes her hand and they stand before the officiant. the music stops and everyone sits down.)

Officiant: “Dearly beloved…”

(then suddenly the ground starts to shake. not violently, just slightly. but everyone feels it. everyone starts to look around in confusion.)

Richter: “An earthquake?”

Dracula: “They’re coming! I warned you, Alucard!”

Trevor: “My vision…! It’s happening!”

(before they know it they are surrounded. on all sides are strange, large creatures with the heads of bulldogs. they are all carrying weapons. everyone is too shocked and scared to move. the ground is still shaking)

Richter: *mutters* “What kind of evil is this!?”

(the ground stops shaking and all eyes go wide and look up. tifa and richter spin around. hovering over them is a huge, pig like beast with four arms and several weapons. everyone looks terrified.)

Alucard: *softly* “…Dad was right…”

?????: “After many years of being sealed away I have at last been freed! All this land will be claimed as my own, and all of you will be forced back into your own worlds, sealed away forever! I will soon have that power! For nothing stands in the way of Ganon!”

(there is suddenly a horrible scream. tifa and richter turn around to see both franswa and duke are gone.)

Richter: “FRANSWA!”

Tifa: “DUKE!”

(they glance out towards the forest and see franswa being dragged by some of the bulldog-like beasts. he still holds duke in his hands. upon looking around everyone quickly realizes that ganon has vanished and the underlings have run off. everyone gets to their feet, talking at once)

Dante: “Who the hell was that guy?”

Alucard: “I don’t know, but I don’t like the looks of this. We have to go after Franswa and Duke.”

Dante: “I’ll help.”

(alucard and dante rush over to tifa and richter, who are both trying to hold it together. zell and the elder belmonts have joined them.)

Richter: “We have to go after them!”

Trevor: “What are you waiting for, then? The future of the Belmont’s is in their hands!”

Zell: “Let’s go! I don’t think those guys were kidding around! They’re in danger!”

Alucard: “I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

Tifa: “Let’s go!”

(she, richter, zell, alucard and dante run off. meanwhile, everyone else is still trying to make sense of what just happened.)

Rufus: “What does that mean—he’s claiming this land and sending us away? He can’t do that! I own this land!”

Algus: “I believe some sort of lawsuit is in order.”

Tseng: “I have a bad feeling this is the kind of dispute a lawyer can’t fix.”

Reeve: “Has anyone ever heard of this ‘Ganon’ before? Where did he come from?”

Tseng: “I don’t know, but wherever it is, it seems like a horrible place.”

Reeve: “I’ll have to find out.”

(back to tifa, richter, zell, alucard and dante, they are running off in the direction they saw franswa disappear in. there is no sign of the monsters or the younger belmonts…)

Tifa: *yells* “DUKE! FRANSWA!!”

Zell: “FRANSWA!!!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

Richter: “FRANSWA! Are you still out there?”

(they pause and listen. then they hear a faint noise coming from not too far away.)

Alucard: “Over there!”

(they all rush off in the direction of the noise. there, in the brush, they find franswa. his clothes are torn and he is battered and bloodied. but he’s conscious and breathing)

Richter: “Franswa! Are you all right?”

(franswa is shaking too badly to answer. alucard and zell both kneel at his side)

Tifa: “Duke?! Where’s Duke?!”

Franswa: *through tears* “…They took him.”

Everyone else: “WHAT?!”

Franswa: “…They took him. Those monsters. They didn’t want me. I tried to stop them, but…” *hangs head*

Tifa: *crying* “Oh my god…”

Alucard: “Where did they take him?”

Franswa: *utterly defeated* “…I don’t know…”

Dante: “There’s gotta be a way to find them and get him back.”

Richter: “How can this be happening?!”

Franswa: *starts sobbing hysterically* “I’m sorry, father! I tried to protect him! I tried! But I can’t fight! I couldn’t fight them! They pushed me aside like I were nothing! I am nothing! I couldn’t protect my own brother!”

Zell: *puts an arm around him* “It’s okay, Franswa. They had weapons! Not just anybody could have stood a chance anyway!”

Franswa: *snaps* “I’m not just anybody! I’m supposed to be a Belmont!”

Richter: “Calm yourself, Franswa. It’s not your fault.” *looks at alucard* “What could they want him for?”

Alucard: *shakes head* “I don’t know… I really don’t know.”

Zell: “I think we should get Franswa to a hospital. Can you stand, buddy?”

Franswa: *crying too hard to answer*

Dante: “Hoist him up by the shoulders, and I’ll grab his legs. We’ll carry him outta here.”

(and they do just that. tifa collapses in tears onto richter’s shoulder. richter looks like he’s about to cry himself. he looks at alucard)

Richter: “My elders told of a disaster on this day.”

Alucard: “…Dad said something weird this morning, too. Said he felt evil.”

Richter: “Evil—this is beyond evil. They’ve taken my son and disappeared without a trace!”

Alucard: “All we can do now is go home and try to find out more about this ‘Ganon’.”

Tifa: *shakily* “Ganon… I’ll kill him with my own two hands as soon as I get the chance. No one takes my son away from me!”

 

To Be Continued…