#198 – Truth Be Told

Franswa: “Let’s take them up to my room and eat them all.”

Originally Published: 11/26/06 . 80 pages

The Belmonts are having a huge Thanksgiving party with all of their family members. Richter is planning a something big of his own, but will Franswa ruin it all when he lets a secret slip?

Ramble Milestones
-The Belmonts find out they’re related to Alucard.
-First appearance of the FFXII guys.

Castlevania canon doesn’t make it clear that Alucard fathered Trevor Belmont, but it’s certainly implied. I knew they would have to find out someday, but I wanted to put that off as long as possible, because obviously it would change his relationship with the Belmonts.

I don’t love this ramble, but I certainly like it quite a bit. I wanted to do a little more with Koudelka’s Thanksgiving, but I’m glad I left it as it is. One of my favorite scenes is when Sephiroth and Vincent are at the mall shopping for Alucard’s gift with Lily. It’s just a slice of his life that we don’t get to see too often. I also enjoy Dracula falling off the chandelier, and high Zell and Franswa are pretty amusing. The ending is also one of the more amusing ones. I also love all the flashbacks.


All my troubles seemed so far away

Now it looks as though they’re here to stay

Oh, I believe

In yesterday


I’m not half the man I used to be

There’s a shadow hanging over me

Oh, yesterday

Came suddenly

–“Yesterday”, The Beatles

 (it’s a lovely day. well, kind of lovely. dante is standing outside his condo with a cup of coffee, watching as paramedics wheel away another stretcher that has a dead body covered in a sheet from the condo at the end. rufus and algus stand nearby. rufus looks very flustered. a nearby bush keeps shaking unnaturally.)

Algus: “So you came to check on him and you found him dead on the floor, with the word ‘Revenge’ spelled out in his forehead?”

Rufus: “And I think it was in blood!”

Algus: “Blood?!”

Rufus: “Well, it may have been Kool-Aid, but it definitely was some kinda red liquid!”

Algus: “Disturbing.”

Rufus: “You’re telling me! I thought I finally had a good tenant in Raiden! But I was wrong! Ever since I kicked out the princess, the disturbed mouse and the two other weirdoes, I’ve had nothing but bad luck trying to rent out this condo! First it was Liquid Snake, then the freaky bird thing and now this! What’s next?!”

Bush: *coughs*

Rufus and Algus: *stare at it confused*

Algus: “Did that shrubbery just cough?”

Rufus: “That’s it. Let’s go. I don’t wanna be late for my own daughter’s birthday party.”

(they leave. the paramedics also pull away.)

Bush: *mutters* “Damn cold. Otakon! I need some cold medicine! What do you recommend? I need something that won’t make me drowsy!”

Dante: *chuckles* “I love this neighborhood.”

(he goes back inside and goes into the kitchen, where lloyd has crushed a bag of trix all over the floor and looks triumphant)

Lloyd: “Ha! That’s what you get for not giving me my kaleidoscope! Stupid cereal!”

Dante: *looks at box* “It says you have to mail in three proofs of purchase to get your sh*tty kaleidoscope, Lloyd. You can’t f**king read.”

Lloyd: *grabs the box* “It does not!” *reads it* “Sh*t! I wasted all this f**king cereal! Now what am I gonna eat for breakfast??”

Dante: “I couldn’t care less.”

(lloyd goes and grabs a card off the counter and waves it in front of dante)

Lloyd: “Did you buy this birthday card? It’s not my birthday yet!”

Dante: “…We have the same birthday, you dumbass.” *grabs card* “It’s for Alucard.”

Lloyd: *snort* “You gotta buy him a card? What is he, turning like 5 million or something?”

Dante: “Pick that damn cereal off the floor and get out of my face.”

Lloyd: “I don’t haveta listen to you!”

Dante: “Last time I checked, your delinquent ass didn’t have a job *again*. So if I felt like it, I could kick your ass to the curb. So do what I say.”

Lloyd: “I almost got another job! But they gave it to that elephant instead!”

Dante: *stares blankly* “…To an elephant.”

Lloyd: “Yeah!” *mutters* “Mother****** elephant.”

Dante: “Wow. So animals are better than you. That doesn’t really surprise me.”

Lloyd: “Screw you, Dante! You’re just jealous!”

Dante: *starts laughing hysterically* “Lloyd, if you have anything to be jealous of, I would *love* to see it!”

Lloyd: “My name is Vergil, you loser! And you can clean up the damn cereal yourself!”

(he stalks off. dante looks down at the cereal.)

Dante: “I can see why they hired the elephant. He probably would’ve had that cleaned up already.”


(meanwhile, over at the ramble room, there is a big banner hanging up that says ‘happy birthday lily’. besides the obvious people, elena, rufus, lily, reeve, tseng and max, lark, brady, shell, rude, ashley, seifer, reno, irvine, trini, sunshine, bryatt, sephiroth, vincent, tifa, richter, duke, zell, franswa, algus, zidane, cloud, zack, bria, hugh, kuja, seymour, edgar, setzer, and laguna are all there. pretty big party for a one year old. there is a huge pile of gifts in one corner. but everyone is crowded around vincent, who no longer has the claw! in fact he has a brand new prosthetic arm! and he seems quite happy about it.)

Vincent: “So it’s quite easy to move. I’m happy with it. And I have to thank Dr. Zack for all his hard work.”

Zack: “No thanks necessary.”

Ashley: “We’re just all glad to see you back to normal, Vincent!”

Sephiroth: “No one’s happier than I am, Vincent.”

Vincent: “It’s not a contest, angel. Anyway, we’re here to celebrate Lily’s birthday. Not stare at my arm.”

Rufus: “I made punch!”

Reno: “Oh god.”

Sunshine: “What’s wrong with the punch?”

Reno: “Rufus thinks his punch is so great. There isn’t even any booze in it.”

Trini: “That’s easy to fix!”

Irvine: “I love the way your mind works.”

Sunshine: “I don’t know if you should be spiking the punch at a child’s birthday party.”

Rufus: “Don’t touch my punch! It’s bad luck as it is!”

Brady: “At least Dracula’s not here for any body parts to fall in it.”

Richter: “That was a horrifying Thanksgiving! That awful monster thought he could remain hidden amongst Belmont’s! We sure taught him a lesson!”

Franswa: “He was there a long time before you figured it out, dad.”

Richter: “We just wanted him to believe he was safe, Franswa!”

Franswa: *rolls eyes* “Yeah. Uh huh.”

Richter: “This year we’re having a huge Belmont family Thanksgiving! Everyone who’s still alive will be there! No vampires will dare crash that!”

Franswa: “You better be having that catered.”

Zell: “Wow! All the living Belmont’s? That’s gonna be cool!”

Franswa: “Yeah. Sure it will be.”

Hugh: “You’re welcome to come as my guest, my darling.”

Bria: “Oh, thank you. Sounds nice.”

Richter: “And everyone will get to meet the new Belmont hero!” *picks up duke* “Who’s my future vampire slayer? Who’s gonna kill Dracula? You are!”

Zidane: “Look at all the presents for the baby.”

Bryatt: “That’s quite a haul she’s got there. And I’m sure she’ll mostly be interested in the wrapping paper.”

Zidane: “You know what I got for my birthday? Nothing!” *glares at algus*

Algus: “I didn’t even know it was your birthday.”

Zidane: “That’s an outright lie and you know it, Algus! I told you it was my birthday fifty million times that day!”

Algus: “I only listen to peasants when I feel like it.”

Edgar: “I hired a personal shopper to pick something out for Lily.”

Setzer: “No…you sent me to the store.”

Edgar: “I had to bribe you with those scratch and win tickets.”

Setzer: “I won two bucks!”

Laguna: “Hey hey! I love shopping for kids! I tried out all the toys in the store!” *frowns* “Then they asked me to leave for some reason.”

Max: “Daddy, I don’t think Lily’s old enough to open her presents.”

Rufus: “Well then I guess you can open them for her, Max.”

Max: *lights up* “Really?!”

Rufus: “Sure!”

Max: *to elena* “Can I mommy?”

Elena: “Of course, sweetie. I think Lily would like that!”

Lark: “Lily seems mostly interested in Duke and Sephiroth’s hair.”

Lily: *giggles and tries to grab sephiroth’s hair*

Sephiroth: “What *is* her obsession with it?”

Tseng: “Nice to know all that maintenance can attract babies to pull on it.”

Sephiroth: “Ha ha. Very funny.”

Reeve: *picks up lily and moves her* “Here, Lily. Show everybody how you’re walking like a big girl!”

Lily: *toddles over to where duke now sits in his carrier* “Ba ba!”

Sephiroth: “You better watch her, Tseng. She’s flirting already.”

Irvine: “That or Duke Belmont is just a lady magnet!”

Richter: “You bet he is!”

Seifer: “I can’t believe I had to spend money on a present for a baby! Baby stuff is expensive!”

Shell: “They make some pretty nice baby clothes. I was impressed.”

Kuja: “The outfit Seymour and I got cost a few hundred dollars.”

Seymour: “Hojo won’t miss the money.”

Kuja: “She’ll be the most well dressed baby on the block.”

Rufus: “Why is no one drinking the punch?!”

Tifa: “So are you hoping for a boy or another girl this time, Elena?”

Elena: “I kinda want a boy this time.”

Rufus: “He’s going to be Rufus Jr.! And somebody drink the punch!”

Sunshine: “I want to know why the punch is cursed.”

Reno: “Something bad almost always happens with the punch. But go ahead and try it if you want, baby. I like a girl with a wild side.” *wink*

Sunshine: *smiles and laughs*

Rufus: *narrows eyes*

Trini: “Is there beer or something?”

Irvine: *snort* “Is there beer. You’re in the ramble room!”

Rude: “Fridge is always stocked.”

Reno: “Hey, man. Are you getting that ‘special ingredient’ for my brownies that I asked you for?”

Rude: “Already got it.”

Reno: “Awesome. Those things are gonna be hard core awesome.”

Shell: “What are you talking about, Rude?”

Rude: “Nothing, Shell.”

Shell: “By the way, I don’t know where you got the money to buy me this diamond necklace.”

Rude: “Does it really matter?”

Shell: “No…but I’m wondering if I can get more of them.”

Kuja: “Hojo just bought me a new diamond hair pin.”

Seymour: “That was generous.”

Kuja: “Not really. You’d throw up if you knew what I had to do to get it.”

Seymour: “Why do you keep that up? Just dump him. You could probably find someone rich and attractive.”

Kuja: “It’s hard to pass up a free ride.”

Seymour: *clears throat* “I have quite a bit of money…”

Kuja: “You might want to spend some of it then. Those shoes you’re wearing – so two years ago.”

Seymour: *frowns*

Rufus: “Someone drink the damn punch!”

Elena: “Rufus!”

Rufus: “What? Took me ten minutes to make it! Try it, Algus!”

Algus: “Certainly, my friend.” *pause* “Try it, Zidane.”

Zidane: “…I hate you.”

Bryatt: “Well, the worst it can do is kill you. Then you don’t have to be Algus’ slave anymore.”

Zidane: “You have a point.” *tries some* “Hey…not bad.”

Rufus: “See! The curse is broken!”

Zidane: *knocks into the bowl with his elbow and it crashes to the floor* “Oops. Sorry.”

Reno: “Never mind. Still cursed!”

Rufus: “My punch!”

Setzer: “You’d think he’d be more upset about the crystal punch bowl.”

Edgar: *shrug* “It’s only about a thousand dollars.”

Reeve: “I’ll clean it up.”

Algus: “Don’t trouble yourself. Zidane, clean the mess you made.”

Zidane: *grumbles unhappily but starts to clean it*

Elena: “Let’s keep the baby away from the broken glass and open some of her presents!”

Max: “Yay!!” *runs over to the pile*

Tseng: *looks over to where lily is once again trying to pull at seph’s hair* “At least someone’s excited about it.”

Sephiroth: “Ow! That’s it! You pulled my hair for the last time, missy!” *picks her up*

Lily: *giggles*

Sephiroth: *sigh* “Why do you have to be so darn cute?”

Lark: “She likes you.”

Brady: *mutters* “Somebody has to.”

Sephiroth: *holds her out to tseng* “Here. Take her.”

Tseng: “Are you sure? I think you’ve really made a new friend there.” *takes her*

(sephiroth opens his mouth to answer, but then his cell phone rings.)

Sephiroth: “You get away with it this time, Tseng. I’ll be right back.”

(he steps outside the room and looks at his phone, which doesn’t recognize the number.)

Sephiroth: *frowns* “Who the hell…?” *answers* “Hello?”

?????: “Hey there.”

Sephiroth: *frowns more* “Dante. What do *you* want?”

Dante’s voice: “Nice greeting. How’s Vincent? Heard he got home from the hospital.”

Sephiroth: “He’s fine.” *cough mumble* “…Thanks for asking.”

Dante’s voice: “You’re welcome! Anyway, I stole your number offa Alucard’s phone. I’m havin’ a little birthday party for him tomorrow night at his place. I want you and Vincent to come.”

Sephiroth: “Is this a surprise party?”

Dante’s voice: “Yup.”

Sephiroth: “And it’s at *his* house?”

Dante’s voice: “I don’t want Lloyd hangin’ around. And I can get rid of Dracula way easier than I can get rid of Lloyd.”

Sephiroth: “Obviously.”

Dante’s voice: “So you’re comin’? Get there around seven.”

Sephiroth’s voice: *big sigh* “All right, we’ll come. But only because I like Alucard. Not because I like you.”

Dante’s voice: “Yes you do.”

Sephiroth: “You at least gonna put a shirt on for the occasion?”

Dante’s voice: “Not on your life. See ya tomorrow!”

(he hangs up. sephiroth puts his phone away and goes back into the ramble room where max is happily tearing into another box. he lifts up a very cute pink dress)

Girls: “Awwwww!”

Sunshine: “That is cute!”

Kuja: “I have great taste, I know.”

(sephiroth goes over to vincent)

Vincent: “Who was that, angel?”

Sephiroth: “Dante. Now we have to go to a surprise party for Alucard tomorrow night.”

Zell: “You’re going? So are me and Franswa!”

Sephiroth: “Great. What the hell have I gotten myself into?”

Vincent: “Cheer up, angel. I’m sure you’ll manage to have a nice time.”

Sephiroth: “Easy for you to say, Vincent. You’re still on pain medication. Everything’s a good time for you right now.”

Trini: “Ooh. Pain medication. Good times.”

Reno: “Stop it, Treen.”

Trini: “What!? I was on it ’cause I broke my foot! Really!”

Reno: “…Oh. Never mind then.”


(later, the party is over. most of the guests have left. elena and tseng are getting all of lily’s stuff together. reeve is stuffing all the wrapping paper into a trash bag. max and zidane are entertaining lily with one of her new toys. and rufus and algus are talking)

Algus: “So I was thinking, Rufus. Perhaps it may be a good idea if I found someone to rent your condo, considering your string of bad luck.”

Rufus: “That could work…where are you going to find someone?”

Algus: “Oh, I have many connections. I will find someone respectable and worthy of being your tenant.”

Rufus: “Okay, I guess that will work. Beats the flyer I put up in the window at Burger King.”

Max: “Lily’s just a baby, but dad says when we get older we’ll be able to play together. And then I’m gonna have a new brother or sister soon!”

Lily: *giggles*

Zidane: “Would you rather have a brother or a sister?”

Max: *shrugs* “I don’t care! As long as they’ll be my friend!”

Algus: “All right, Rufus. I’m off to find you a new tenant. Let’s go, Zidane.”

Zidane: *sigh* “Fine. Bye, Max.”

Max: “Bye, Z!”

(they head for the door)

Zidane: “Why can’t you adopt a cute kid, Algus?”

Algus: “Are you joking? I’ve practically adopted you!”

Zidane: “What?! I’d hope you wouldn’t treat any kid you adopted the way you treat me!”

(they leave.)

Reeve: “So what happened with your new tenant, Rufus?”

Rufus: “Nothing.” *pause* “Well, he was killed. Or something. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. Algus is going to find me a new tenant. Besides my bad luck, I’m too busy to find another one.”

Tseng: “I’m excited about tomorrow.”

Elena: “Me too! It should be fun!”

Reeve: “You guys haven’t told anyone else around here yet, have you?”

Elena: “No…”

Tseng: “No.”

Rufus: “I haven’t. I don’t think we should say anything until we find something.”

Elena: “Right. It might take a long time anyway.”

Tseng: “And besides, it’s not like we’re going away forever.” *picks up lily*

All: “………..”

Rufus: “…It’s just time. You know?”

Reeve: “I agree with you. There have been a lot of changes.”

Max: *gasp* “I almost forgot!”

Rufus: “What’d you forget, Max?”

Max: “I made a card for Lily!”

(he runs over and reaches under the couch to pull out a homemade card)

Tseng: “Why was it under the couch?”

Max: “To keep it secret!” *hands it to elena* “Look! I drew everybody on it!”

(rufus, elena, reeve and tseng all gather around to look at the card. it’s drawn in crayon, and rather crudely, but clearly the card has all of them, as well as max and lily on it. happy birthday lily is also written on it in messy, childish letters. but the drawing is very cute. they all smile at it)

Rufus: “You did this all by yourself? You did a great job!”

Max: “Well…Zidane told me how to spell and stuff.”

Elena: “This is great, Max!”

Tseng: “You see the great card your brother made for you, Lily?”

Reeve: “I think she likes it!”

Max: *beams*

Rufus: “Okay! Time to go home now! Wanna help us carry some of Lily’s presents, Max?”

Max: “Yeah!”

(he grabs some of the presents and runs out. rufus and reeve follow. elena is still looking at the card with a smile. lily is falling asleep in tseng’s arms)

Elena: “He is the sweetest little boy.”

Tseng: “…Like Reeve said…a lot has changed.”


(the next morning, sephiroth is standing outside his room looking rather impatient)

Sephiroth: “Come on, Vincent! Let’s get going!”

Vincent’s voice: “In a moment, angel!”

(then tseng comes over, pushing lily in her stroller and he looks a bit frantic)

Tseng: “Sephiroth! Hey, pal. Can you do me a favor?”

Sephiroth: “Hey *pal*? Wow, you must really be desperate.”

Tseng: “I need you to watch Lily.”

Sephiroth: “What? Why?”

Tseng: “Reeve, Rufus, Elena and myself all have somewhere to be. Lark was supposed to watch her but something came up. It’s just for a few hours. Sunshine said she could take her later.”

Sephiroth: “You’re going to be gone all day?”

Tseng: “…Pretty much, yeah. So can you do it?”

Sephiroth: *big sigh* “Only for a few hours?”

Tseng: “Yup.”

Sephiroth: “Because I have somewhere to be.”

Tseng: “Alucard’s surprise party?”

Sephiroth: “How did you know?”

Tseng: “Well, Reeve and I were invited but obviously we can’t go, and also you pretty much announced it at the party yesterday.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t know about this… I’m kind of on my way to the mall.”

Tseng: “You can take her with you. She’s very behaved! Besides it’s either you or Reno and I’m pretty sure he’s planning to visit a strip club today!”

Sephiroth: *annoyed sigh* “Fine, I’ll watch her.”

Tseng: “Great! Thanks so much! Sunshine should be by around five to pick her up.” *bends down to look at lily* “Bye, sweetie! See you later!” *gives her a kiss* “All her stuff is in her diaper bag.”

Sephiroth: “Diaper bag?!? She’s still wearing diapers?!”

Tseng: *blink blink* “…She’s a *year* old.”

Sephiroth: “Exactly! A whole year! She should be old enough to learn how to use the bathroom!”

Tseng: “You have my cell phone if you need me. Thanks again!” *walks away*

Sephiroth: “I’m still complaining! You can’t just walk away!”

(but tseng is gone. sephiroth scowls and vincent exits the room)

Vincent: “I’m ready to leave.” *sees lily* “What’s this?”

Sephiroth: “Tseng’s crappy parenting skills. Now we’re stuck watching his kid.”

Vincent: “You say that so negatively, angel. She’s well behaved.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, but, now I gotta push around a stroller like a soccer mom! What if someone sees me?! I have a reputation here!”

Vincent: *sigh* “I will push the stroller.”

Sephiroth: “Great! See! We just compromised! This relationship stuff is easy!”

(he smiles and walks off, vincent sighs and starts to push the stroller after him)


(meanwhile at the belmont house, franswa is baking. zell is sitting at the table leaning his chair back against the wall reading combat king magazine. hugh comes running in)

Hugh: “Cousin!”

Franswa: “What?”

Hugh: “Grandpa two wants to know if you’re making dessert for the party!”

Franswa: “Well…considering nobody asked me to…”

Hugh: “Oh. Well he said in case you said that to tell you you have to make some dessert for the party.”

Franswa: *annoyed sigh* “There are over a hundred people coming to this party.”

Hugh: “I could help!”

Franswa: “No! It’s okay, I can handle it. It’s fine.”

Hugh: “I’ll tell him.” *leaving* “Grandpa two! He said okay! Now you have to let me touch the whip like you promised!”

(he leaves. zell puts down his magazine)

Zell: “All those Belmont’s in one place… Are there even enough vampires in the world?”

Franswa: “I don’t know or care. I have to finish making Alucard’s birthday present.”

Zell: *comes over* “I bet Alucard’ll love his present!” *sniffs air* “It smells awesome!”

Franswa: “Thanks. Did you get a card like I asked?”

Zell: *sweat drops* “Uh…”

Franswa: *blink blink* “I asked you to get a card yesterday on your way to the comic book store.”

Zell: “Oh. …You did?”

Franswa: *sigh*

Zell: “Sorry! The new issue of Cobra Dude was out! Guess I got caught up in reading it.”

Franswa: *stare*

Zell: *softly* “I love you.”

Franswa: *cracks a smile* “Okay, but you better go out and get one right now!”

Zell: “You got it!” *leaves and then runs back in* “How old is he turning again?”

Franswa: “I’m not sure, but whatever it is I know Hallmark doesn’t make a card for it.”


(meanwhile, at the mall, sephiroth, vincent and lily are in a video store looking at the dvds. sephiroth looks annoyed. lily is taking everything in. vincent is flipping through the movies)

Sephiroth: “Look at all this crap! Where’s that movie that I’m in? Let’s get him that!”

Vincent: “I really don’t think Advent Children would interest him, my angel.”

Sephiroth: “What?! Why not? I’m plenty interesting!”

Vincent: *holds up interview with a vampire* “What about this one?”

Sephiroth: *eyes wide* “No! Hell no!” *knocks it back on the shelf* “That is the worst gift idea ever!”

Vincent: *sigh* “Well at least I’m trying.”

Sephiroth: “I’m *trying*!”

Vincent: “Angel, the only thing you’ve been trying to do is see yourself in every reflective surface.”

Sephiroth: *frowns and tries to look at himself in yet another reflective surface* “I don’t like the way my hair came out today.”

Vincent: “Perhaps we should try another store.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, is there a coffin store in the mall? Maybe they’re running a two for one special. Then you and Alucard could both be happy!”

Vincent: “Angel…”

Sephiroth: “I’m just kidding, Vin.”

(they walk outside the store to see kuja, seymour and shell sitting at a table in front of the mall starbucks. they each have a cup in front of them.)

Kuja: “Omg, would you look at her jeans? Hello, it’s not 1984 anymore, honey.”

Shell: “What about that lady’s hat? I think the only thing it’s good for is attracting birds.”

Seymour: “Check out the platform heels on that one. No one should have so much plastic on their feet.”

Kuja: “I’m impressed. You’re really starting to get the hang of this game.”

Seymour: “I always had the hang of it!”

Kuja: “Um, no you didn’t. I used to point out stuff and you would tell me you owned something just like it at home.”

Seymour: “One time!”

Kuja: *raises eyebrow* “One time? Give my memory some credit.”

Seymour: *frowns* “Okay…maybe more than one time.”

Shell: “You really did a good job with him, Kuja. I couldn’t even look at him before with his crazy hair and that god awful…whatever that was that he used to wear. But now he fits right in!”

Kuja: “And he’s finally learned that no one should wear a gigantic bow across their midsection. Especially when they have a few pounds to lose.”

Seymour: “I’m not fat!”

Sephiroth: *softly* “Hurry, Vincent! Run before they can spot us!”

(too late. shell spots them and waves)

Shell: “Hey, you two!”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Dammit!”

Vincent: “Might as well go over now.”

(they do. sephiroth is scowling but lily is smiling enough for both of them)

Shell: “Hi, Lily! Don’t you look cute today! I didn’t know you were babysitting her, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah. I got stuck with her.”

Kuja: “She’s adorable. And her outfits are better than 90 percent of the people in this mall.”

Sephiroth: “What are you doing anyway?”

Seymour: “People watching.”

Shell: “Making fun of people watching.”

Kuja: “Making fun of people’s clothing choices watching.”

Shell: “It’s a weekly thing.”

Sephiroth: “Sad.”

Shell: “What brings you to the mall?”

Sephiroth: “I need a birthday gift for Alucard. Any ideas?”

Kuja: “Does he like make-up?”

Sephiroth: “No.”

Kuja: “Then no.”

Shell: “Speaking of make-up, I think it’s time to hit up Sephora.”

Kuja: “I can’t wait to pay thirty dollars for a tiny bottle of nail polish.”

Seymour: “Can I get orange polish?”

Kuja: “…God, you still have *so* much to learn.”

Shell: “See you three later!”

Vincent: “Have a good day.”

(so kuja, seymour and shell leave.)

Sephiroth: “Well that was pointless! They could have at least taken the baby!”

Vincent: “Why would they do that? You were the one who was watching her.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, but they’re girls! That’s their job!”

Vincent: “Um, angel…”

Sephiroth: “Well they’re girlish acting men and a girl! Close enough!”

(lily starts fussing in her stroller and starts to pull on the strap that’s keeping her in)

Sephiroth: “What does she want now?”

Vincent: “I believe she wants to come out of her stroller.”

Sephiroth: “And I wish that extremely expensive shampoo that I use would someday go on sale, but we can’t always get what we want.”

Vincent: “Someone should probably hold her for awhile.”

Sephiroth: “…Well what are you waiting for? Put that new arm to good use!”

(vincent sighs and then lifts lily out of the stroller. she smiles.)

Vincent: “I’m still a bit weak, angel. I think it would be better if you carried her.”

Sephiroth: *frowns but takes her* “Great. She’s gonna pull my hair now.”

Lily: *pets sephiroth’s hair looking amazed*

Vincent: “She seems rather mesmerized by it.”

Sephiroth: “She’s just like her real father and her step-father. Clingy. I better not see anybody I know!”

Vincent: “Relax, angel. Don’t worry about it.”

??????: “Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth: *freezes and closes his eyes* “Oh god why.”

(he turns around to see bowser coming over to him. sephiroth quickly tries to hand lily back over to vincent but she won’t let go of him)

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Dammit! Clingy!”

Bowser: “I didn’t expect to run into you at the mall.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah…well…you know. Even cool people like me need stuff.”

Bowser: “I didn’t know you had a kid.”

Sephiroth: “It’s not my kid. I’m just watching her because I’m sometimes sort of loosely nice like that. I don’t like kids.”

Bowser: “Me neither. And I have eight of them.” *sigh* “Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I had that vasectomy.”

Sephiroth: *blink blink*

Bowser: “Anyway, I’m glad I ran into you. The villain of the year award banquet is coming up soon! I hope you’ll be able to come! This year King K. Rool is getting the award!”

Sephiroth: “Oh. That. Right. Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’ll be busy. I’m a pretty busy guy. Sorry to miss it.”

Bowser: “Sorry to hear it! Well I hope you’re keeping your trophy shiny!”

Sephiroth: *sweat drops* “You know it!”

Bowser: “I’ll see you around.”

(he leaves. sephiroth breathes a sigh of relief)

Sephiroth: “*That* was awkward. And he probably thinks I’m gay now! He kept looking at you! He knows!”

Vincent: “So?”

Sephiroth: “So?! He’ll tell everybody now!”

Vincent: “I believe most people already know, angel. And besides, what does it matter what he thinks? Might I remind you that you threw that award in the garbage.”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “Yeah…but…” *shakes head and mutters* “…Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

Vincent: *checks time* “We have to focus on finding a gift for Alucard. There’s not much time left.”

Sephiroth: “Of course! Why didn’t I think of this in the first place? I know exactly what to get him! Let’s get the car.”

Vincent: “Where are we going?”

Sephiroth: “To the liquor store!”


(that night, sephiroth and vincent are at the castle door. vincent is holding a paper bag and looking into it with a frown)

Vincent: “We could have at least wrapped the gift…”

Sephiroth: “If you wanted to waste your time wrapping it you should have said something earlier. Besides, at least we got him a card.”

Vincent: “You wrote happy birthday on the outside of the bag.”

Sephiroth: “No one keeps that crap anyway!”

(he rings the doorbell. seconds later, dante answers. and of course his shirt is unbuttoned as usual.)

Dante: “Right on time. Come on in.”

(they come in and dante shuts the door behind them)

Sephiroth: “How’d you get Alucard out of his own house anyway?”

Dante: “I sent him to the store to get some stuff.”

Dracula: *wanders over* “Excuse me, miss, have you seen my horseshoes? I think I left them where the hobbits frolic.”

Sephiroth: *dead stare* “I thought you were getting rid of Dracula.”

Dante: “Don’t worry, I’m gonna take care of it.”

(he leads them into a room where only franswa and zell are)

Zell: “Sup, ‘Roth! Welcome to the party!”

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “…Where’s everybody else?”

Dante: “That’s it.”

Sephiroth: “This is *it*?! Only four people at the party!? Even I have more friends than that!”

Dante: *raises eyebrow* “Really?”

Sephiroth: “Uh, I meant to say I have *way* more friends. More than a person should.”

Dante: “Right. Anyway, nobody else could make it. And Alucard doesn’t like a big crowd anyway.”

Zell: “Franswa baked brownies for him! What did you get him?”

Sephiroth: “Booze.”

(then dracula comes in)

Dracula: “Hello! Why are you people in my house? Are you elves? Are you going to make shoes for me? Because I could use some shoes! My hands are always cold!”

Dante: “Okay, time to take care of Dracula.”

Sephiroth: *crosses arms* “This I gotta see. If I couldn’t get rid of him, I don’t think the idiot who can’t figure out how to use a button has a chance.”

(dante goes over to dracula with a big smile)

Dante: “Hey, Dracula! Guess what? We’re playing hide and seek!”

Dracula: *brightens* “We are?! I’m great at hiding and seeking!”

Dante: “I need you to hide, okay? And don’t come out of that hiding spot until someone comes and finds you! Because otherwise you’ll ruin the whole game.”

Dracula: “Okay!”

Dante: “I’m gonna start counting now. One…”

Dracula: *runs off*

Dante: *grins* “See? No sweat.”

Sephiroth: *frowns and mutters* “Stupid Dante…probably drugged Dracula or something.”

Franswa: “So when can we expect Alucard?”

(They hear the opening and slamming of a door)

Dante: “Right about now I’d say.”

Zell: “Crap! Everybody hide behind the couch!”

(he dives behind the couch. no one else does. a moment later he pops his head up)

Zell: “What? Nobody else is hiding?”

Sephiroth: “No. Because nobody else is retarded.”

(a moment later alucard enters. he looks bewildered a moment.)

Everyone but Sephiroth: “Surprise!”

Sephiroth: “Oh. Surprise. Sorry.”

Alucard: “What the…?”

Dante: “Happy birthday, baby!” *kisses him* “Welcome to your very own surprise party.”

Alucard: “Oh. Thanks. I’ve never had a surprise party before.”

Sephiroth: “No one’s ever thrown you a surprise party?! And you’re *how* old again?”

Alucard: “Five hundred and sixty.”

Sephiroth: “Five hundred and sixty?! I thought you were like 600!”

Alucard: *shrugs* “I just round up most of the time. After so long forty years doesn’t really make a difference.”

Franswa: “Yeah, but, why not round *down*?”

Alucard: *blink blink* “I never thought about it like that.”

Dante: “All right, let’s get going.”

Sephiroth: “Going? Where are we going?”

Dante: “To the strip club. The guys want to see Al for his birthday.”

Sephiroth: “Are you kidding me?! I came all this way and bought an expensive gift to have to pay more money to go to the strip club?!”

Vincent: “The gift was actually on sale, angel.”

Sephiroth: *whispers harshly* “Vincent! What is wrong with you?!”

Franswa: “Wow. I haven’t been back there since I stopped working there.”

Dante: “We’ve got a bunch of new guys. You’ll have to meet them.” *to sephiroth* “Don’t worry, I won’t make you stay all night. I think you can live for an hour or two.”

Sephiroth: “I’ll try.”

(they walk out the front door and leave the house. they pass right under the chandelier but they don’t notice one big thing about it…the fact that dracula is sitting on it)

Dracula: “They’ll never find me up here!” *pause* “I hope I can find myself up here.”


(meanwhile, at the belmont house, richter belmont comes into hugh’s room with a frown. hugh is lying on his bed reading a book called, “Vampires – 1,001 facts every hunter should know” by Alexander Belmont.)

Richter: “Where’s Franswa?”

Hugh: “He and Zell went out. Said they had a birthday party to go to.”

Richter: “Dammit! I have something important to tell him!”

Hugh: “Maybe I can help!”

Richter: “Don’t be ridiculous, Hugh!”

(hugh frowns and richter leaves. he goes downstairs to where juste is watching tv)

Richter: “Franswa went out! Did you know about this?”

Juste: “Yes.”

Richter: “What?! Why didn’t he tell me? I have something important to tell him!”

Juste: “What’s that?”

Richter: *proudly* “I’ve decided to do it! I’m going to do it at the party in front of everyone. I’m sure that will go over well.”

Juste: “Good for you, son. It’s the right thing to do. Do you already have the uh…”

Richter: “Yes! I picked that up yesterday and I have it hidden away in my closet.”

Juste: “Well I’m proud of you, son. If there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know.”

Both: “………………”

Richter: “Do you think Franswa will be upset?”

Juste: “I don’t think so. I’m sure he’ll take the news well. He might already be expecting it.”

Richter: “Because I’m just a little worried…”

Juste: *looks at him* “Richter, your son is an adult now. He’s changed quite a bit. Before we moved here could you think of a time when he actually went out with his friends?”

Richter: *thinks for a long time*

Juste: “That’s a no. He’s matured. He’s building his own life now.”

Richter: *sigh* “I suppose you’re right. I shouldn’t be worried.” *pause* “He still gets upset when we mention the whole vampire hunting thing to him.”

Juste: “Yes, well. If I’ve learned nothing else in my long life I’ve certainly learned that there are always some things that never change.”


(meanwhile, alucard’s birthday party has arrived at the strip club. chris is on stage. snake is behind the bar as usual.)

Dante: “Since this is me and Alucard’s club now I won’t make you pay to get in.”

Sephiroth: “It’s the least you can do for how annoying you always are.”

Dante: “You’re so cute when you’re trying to be funny. This way.”

(he leads them all into the back where the rest of the guys are waiting to go onstage. of course maxi, gippal and delita are all there. there are also three blonde guys, two of which we’ve seen before and one which we haven’t.)

Gippal: “Hey, Alucard! Happy Birthday!”

Alucard: “Thank you.”

Maxi: “Hope Dante got you something good.”

Dante: “I’m a great present to unwrap every day of the year.” *grin*

Sephiroth: *gag*

Delita: “Dante, can you tell your brother to stop peering in the windows of the Starbucks and glaring at me? It’s creeping me out!”

Dante: “At least you don’t have him creeping you out in your own house.”

Maxi: “Hey, Franswa! Long time no see. How you been?”

Franswa: “Fine, thank you.”

Gippal: “You’re not the only ex-stripper hangin’ around tonight. I saw Irvine out there. He’s with some chick.”

Sephiroth: “I guess people with diseases tend to gather in one place.”

Dante: “Well I guess some introductions are due ‘cause I don’t think everybody knows each other.” *points to everyone as he says their name* “Zell, Franswa, Sephiroth and Vincent – Maxi, Gippal and Delita. And these are the new guys Ashley, Edward and Vaan.”

New guys: “Hey.”

(ashley is, of course, ashley riot from vagrant story. he dated ashley and was her bodyguard back in the naughty angel days. the other is edward. yes. halley’s father edward. and the last guy…well, if you already don’t recognize his name you will find out later.)

Zell: *to ashley* “You look familiar…”

Ashley: “Ah, perhaps you know me from your band days. I was a bodyguard and companion to Lady Ashley.”

Zell: “Oh yeah!”

Edward: *mutters* “Damn broke. Have to work in a damn strip club. She better not come in here.”

Vaan: *to franswa* “You used to work here?”

Franswa: “For a little while, yeah.”

Vaan: “You remember this creepy guy with a lab coat and black hair?”

Franswa: *shudders* “Too well.”

Vaan: “He still talks about you.”

Franswa: *shudders*

Gippal: “Well we just wanted ya to come by so we could wish ya happy birthday.”

Maxi: “Yup. Don’t wanna keep you from your awesome party.”

Delita: “Can’t you do anything? He’s your *brother*!”

Dante: “All right, we’re off. Catch you guys tomorrow night.”

(they head back towards the exit.)

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Well that was gross! I felt like I needed shots to be back there!”

Vincent: “I actually thought it smelled nice.”

(they then bump into irvine, who is with trini)

Zell: “Hey, Irvine!”

Irvine: “Well howdy!”

Franswa: “What are you doing here?”

Trini: “My fault! I wanted to come. So far I’m pretty impressed. The guys working here are hot!”

Dante: “You’ll have to come back tomorrow when I’m on duty.”

Trini: “You work here?”

Dante: “And I co-own the joint.”

Trini: Don’t worry, then. I’ll be back.”

Irvine: “I’m surprised to see you here again, Sephiroth. Just can’t stay away?”

Sephiroth: “I’m only here because it’s Alucard’s birthday.”

Irvine: “Sh*t! It’s your birthday, Alucard?”

Alucard: “Once again.”

Irvine: “Hell, you gotta come down to the bar! Free birthday drinks on me!”

Sephiroth: “Oh god help me.”

Alucard: “All right. That okay with everyone else?”

Zell: “It’s your birthday! Sure! Let’s go!”

Dante: “Sounds like a plan to me.”

Trini: “What’re we waiting for then?” *takes alucard by the arm* “So you’re a vampire, huh? That’s pretty hot!”

(sephiroth and vincent remain behind for a moment. sephiroth heaves a big sigh)

Sephiroth: “Great. Now I have to spend money on booze to get drunk?”

Vincent: “I don’t believe that’s a requirement, angel.”

Sephiroth: “It is with this group.”


(so they go to uncle shenanigans, which is packed. irvine and trini are leading the others. irvine strolls right over to the bar where reno is talking to sunshine)

Irvine: “We got a birthday!”

Reno: “A birthday? Whose birthday is it?”

Dante: *points to alucard* “Here’s the birthday boy!”

Reno: “Awesome! Well get over here and have a drink!”

(they all go over. sephiroth ends up standing next to sunshine)

Sunshine: “Hi, Sephiroth!”

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “Hi… What are you doing here?”

Sunshine: “What do you think?”

Sephiroth: “But you’re a lawyer.”

Sunshine: “So? Does that mean I can’t come to a bar for a good time?”

Sephiroth: “You here for the bar or the eye candy?”

Sunshine: “Reno and I are just friends.”

Sephiroth: “I meant the Kinneas brothers, but whatever floats your boat.”

Sunshine: “Uh…anyway, it’s good to see you and Vincent back together.”

Sephiroth: “You a yaoi fan or something?”

Sunshine: “No! It was just really obvious by the videos that you guys really love each other.”

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “What videos?”

Sunshine: “You…don’t know about the videos?”

Sephiroth: “No…”

Sunshine: “Oh. I thought I remember Rufus telling me he gave you one of the videos.” *pause* “Oops. Maybe it was Vincent.”

Sephiroth: “What videos?”

Sunshine: “Um…well, they were videos from the Shinra Building. Surveillance videos. Hojo had them all. He showed some of it to us when he was telling us about Rufus. I don’t think he meant to show us…he actually seemed pretty mad. But anyway, Rufus has all the tapes now.”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “What did you see?”

Sunshine: *holds hands up defensively* “Nothing bad at all! I swear!”

Sephiroth: “So Vincent’s seen these videos?”

Sunshine: “One of them. I think.” *shakes head* “I never should have said anything.”

(meanwhile, irvine is serving up booze to everyone while reno comes down to the end of the bar to talk to franswa)

Reno: “Hey, Franswa. I’m glad you came in here. I gotta favor to ask you.”

Franswa: “I don’t know how to make booze.”

Reno: “Nah, it’s nothing like that. I was wondering if you’d make some brownies for me.”

Franswa: “Brownies? What’d you want brownies for?”

Reno: “People usually eat brownies, don’t they? And mine don’t usually come out so good.”

Franswa: “I could give you a recipe…”

Reno: “I’m not really that good at cooking. That’s why I want you to do it. Only I’ve got this special ingredient I want you to add in.”

Franswa: “What kind of ingredient?”

Reno: “Just this…herb. I heard it’s good for…uh…your heart. But it tastes really bad. So that’s why I gotta put in brownies.”

Franswa: “Well—“

Reno: “I’ll give you fifty bucks.”

Franswa: “I’ll do it.”

Reno: “Awesome! I’ll bring the money and stuff by for you tomorrow.”

Franswa: “Okay.”

Reno: “Thanks a bunch, buddy! Now let’s get you something to drink!”


(so, after they get all liquored up, everybody goes back to alucard’s house totally drunk. well, except for vincent. dracula is still hiding on top of the chandelier. but they pass right under him and go into the living room laughing and all take a seat)

Sephiroth: “You’re crazy, Dante! You never did that!”

Dante: “I sure as hell did!”

Sephiroth: “You know what’s crazy? I heard there were surveillance cameras all over the Shinra building!” *to vincent* “And *you* saw some of the footage?”

Vincent: “I did, yes.”

Sephiroth: “That’s crazy! Half my life is recorded, and I didn’t even know!”

Alucard: *snort* “I’m glad there was no such thing as cameras for half my life. ‘Cause man…” *laughs* “There were some crazy times…”

Dante: “Like what?”

Zell: “Yeah! Tell us some stories! I bet you’ve got a lot of good ones!”

Franswa: “Tell us how you won the heart of Sonia Belmont.”

Alucard: *laughs* “Man, I was so drunk, I thought she was a dude.”

Franswa: “What?!”

Dante: “This I gotta hear.”

Alucard: “I was really young then. Young like…under forty. Super young. Well it was right after she killed my father. We were both pretty happy about that so we went out celebrating at a local tavern where we had a room. I got totally loaded and then we went upstairs…”

(flashback! alucard and sonia belmont go into a room which is basically just a bed and not much more. you can hear the loud noises from the tavern down below. alucard has an empty bottle of wine in his hand and is stumbling around. sonia, who is blonde and not very manly looking, is trying to support him)

Alucard: “I don’t wanna go to bed! I wanna go back down there and *party*! And did you see that guy by the bar? He was looking at me. He was hot. He was looking at me. Do you think he was looking at me?”

Sonia: “Alucard, I need to talk to you about something.”

Alucard: “Yeah, I totally think I should go back down there and talk to him. Because he was hot.”

Sonia: “Alucard…I’ve been hiding my feelings from you for a long time. I’m in love with you.”

Alucard: “Wha?”

Sonia: *grabs him and hugs him* “I love you, Alucard!”

Alucard: *holding the wine bottle to his eye* “I think this is empty.”

Sonia: “Make love to me!” *pulls him over to the bed*

Alucard: “You don’t look like that guy from downstairs…”

(back to the present)

Alucard: “Because I was drunk and didn’t know better, we totally did it. I didn’t really remember it, which kinda became a problem a few months later…”

(flashback! alucard shows up at a house looking rather impatient. he knocks on the door and sonia answers)

Sonia: “Alucard. You came like I asked in my letters.”

Alucard: “Yeah… Is this about my dad? ‘Cause he’s kinda being a pain again. He keeps sending message boys after me. I had to hit one with a broom.”

Sonia: “No… I have something important to tell you.” *pause* “I’m pregnant.”

Alucard: *blink blink* “Okay…”

Sonia: “You’re the father.”

Alucard: *eyes widen* “What?! When did we have sex?”

Sonia: “After we beat Dracula! Don’t you remember? In our room over the tavern?”

Alucard: “That was *you*? I thought you were the hot guy from downstairs!”

Sonia: “What?! That was me!”

Alucard: *sweat drops* “Boy…this is awkward.”

Sonia: “I thought we could raise the baby and keep fighting Dracula together!”

Alucard: “Uh…” *points* “Omg! There’s a demon behind you!”

Sonia: *turns* “Where?!”

Alucard: *runs the hell away*

(back to the present)

Alucard: “Not my finest moment. But I was young and stupid then. Now I pay for it. Because my family hates me! Except for you.” *points to franswa*

Franswa: *frowns* “So Sonia Belmont looked like a man?”

Alucard: “No…only when I was drunk.”

Sephiroth: “I see you learned how to be a drunken idiot from an early age.”

Dante: “Did ya ever hear from Sonia again after ya ran off?”

Alucard: “Nope. And I never heard about my kid either. Until I went to go fight dad again, and he and his pals were in my way. So I thought I was all cool, I was like, I’ll test them to make sure they’re worthy and stuff! And they were. So then I told them who I was. And Trevor didn’t seem too thrilled with that idea…”

(flashback! alucard stands before a young looking trevor belmont, along with another guy and a girl in a robe.)

Alucard: “I am Alucard, son of Dracula. You have passed my test. Now I will help you defeat him.”

Trevor: “What?! Son of Dracula?! That makes you half vampire! Which makes you my enemy!” *holds out whip*

Alucard: “I’m not my father! I said I want to help you!”

Trevor: “In the name of the Belmont’s I cannot allow you to live!”

Alucard: “I thought that whip looked familiar… So you’re a Belmont?”

Trevor: “Of course I am! I am the great Trevor Belmont, son of the legendary vampire hunter, Sonia Belmont!”

Alucard: “Omg. You’re Sonia’s son?”

Trevor: “I most certainly am! Did you know her, demon?”

Alucard: “You could say I knew her rather intimately…”

Trevor: “She never mentioned you!”

Alucard: “She didn’t? Well, she was probably kinda pissed at me…”

Trevor: “Probably because you’re a vampire! Now be gone, foul demon! Return to hell where you belong!”

Alucard: “Would you stop trying to fight me? You’re going to need my help whether you like it or not.”

Trevor: “…Fine! But if you try and bite me I will stab you with my lightning fast Belmont reflexes!”

Alucard: *mutters* “You don’t have the Belmont’s to thank for that.”

Trevor: “What?”

Alucard: “Nothing.”

(flashback ends. back to the present)

Alucard: “I wanted to tell him so many times that I was his dad, but he just never liked me. I was just a demon half breed to him. After we defeated my dad again he just ran off. Never thanked me or anything.”

Zell: “Now it makes sense! You’re the guy he always kinda leaves out when he’s telling his story!”

Alucard: “Yup. That’d be me.”

Sephiroth: “Hard to believe your father was ever scary.”

Alucard: “Oh, he was scary. And evil. I used to be his right hand man until I realized what an evil freak he was.”

Zell: “I wanna hear more about what Dracula used to be like!”

Dante: “I’m kinda interested myself.”

Alucard: “Well…”

(flashback! dracula looks normal. alucard is chained to the wall. dracula is pacing)

Dracula: “I just don’t know what to do with you, Alucard! You keep trying to kill me!”

Alucard: “Stop being evil, and I’ll stop trying to kill you.”

Dracula: “Stop talking crazy, Alucard! I’m not evil! I’m saving the world from being overpopulated!”

Alucard: “You’re killing people and putting their heads on pikes in front of the house!”

Dracula: “They look great on the lawn!”

Alucard: “You disgust me.”

Dracula: “I’m disappointed in you, Alucard! We were supposed to be a team! Instead you keep teaming up with those no good Belmont’s!”

Alucard: “The Belmont’s have the right idea. You need to be stopped.”

Dracula: “Let them keep coming! Generation after generation of Belmont’s may get me down, but I always find a way to come back! I’m Dracula! Nobody beats the Drac!”

Alucard: “Can you unchain me from this wall now?”

Dracula: “Not until you learn your lesson!”

(end flashback. back to the present)

Alucard: “He came back two years later. Forgot all about me. Some dad.”

Zell: “I bet you’ve seen a lot of other crazy stuff.”

Alucard: “Yeah. Like when I heard Juste Belmont got married. I was like, whaaa? He’s totally gay. Yeah. Yeah. Him and that guy Maxim were just ‘friends’.” *snort laugh*

Franswa: “What?!”

Alucard: “Oh man…I’m totally wasted.”

Vincent: “Perhaps we better call it a night.”

Franswa: “What about my grandpa?!”

Dante: “Good idea. It’s pretty damn late. Come on, Al. Let’s go back to my house.”

(they all walk out to the foyer. they go over to the door and are about to open it when they hear something crash to the floor behind him. everyone jumps a mile. they look around but it’s dark so they can’t see anything)

Franswa: “Ahhh!” *hugs zell* “What the heck was that?”

Dracula’s voice: “…Alucard? Alucard? Are we still hiding and seeking?”

Dante: “Uh oh… Uh, found you!”

Alucard: “What’s he talkin’ about?”

Dante: “I told him we were playing hide and seek to make him go away.”

Alucard: “Where the hell was he hiding?”

Dracula: “On the chandelier! But then I fell asleep. And then I fell.” *pause* “And I think my leg fell off, because I can’t get up.” *crack* “…And now my other leg fell off. Alucard? Can you help me?”

Alucard: *big sigh* “Do you even know it’s my birthday, dad?”

Dracula: “Your what?” *gasp* “Wait. No. I thought I knew what that was. But I don’t remember.”

Alucard: *sigh* “Five hundred and sixty years of torture and what have I got to show for it?”

Sephiroth: “A lot of drunken embarrassing stories. And that’s about it.”


(the next day, rufus, elena, reeve, tseng, lily and max are all on their way out the door.)

Reeve: “I thought the last place we saw yesterday was really nice.”

Rufus: *snort* “It didn’t have a bowling alley.”

Elena: “Rufus, you don’t even bowl.”

Rufus: “No, but I might want to start! And besides, Max might wanna bowl! Right, Max?”

Max: “Yeah!”

Elena: “Rufus, he’s five. He’ll agree with almost anything you say.”

Rufus: “I’ll get you your own bowling ball, Max! And we’ll even have your name engraved on it!”

Max: “Cool!”

Tseng: “The Rufus wants what he wants.”

Rufus: “All right, let’s go. The limo is wasting precious gas outside.”

(and so they’re off on their journey…)


(meanwhile, over at the belmont house, zell wakes up slowly and rubs his eyes. he notices franswa is already up, dressed and sitting there looking thoughtful)

Zell: “How do you always get up so early?”

Franswa: “I’ve been up since six.”

Zell: “Six? What…?”

Franswa: “I just can’t stop thinking about what Alucard said last night.”

Zell: “…Alcuard said lotsa stuff last night.”

Franswa: “What he said about my grandpa. That he was surprised he got married because he seemed gay. And him and Maxim were just ‘friends’? Don’t you remember Maxim from grandpa’s Dracula story?”

Zell: “Yeah, but Alucard was pretty drunk. Maybe he didn’t know what he was talkin’ about.”

Franswa: *shakes head* “I don’t think so.”

Zell: “Well if you go ask Alucard about it he’ll probably just be embarrassed he said anything.”

Franswa: “I’m not going to ask Alucard about it. I’m going to ask my grandpa.”

Zell: “What?! Are you crazy? You’re just gonna come out and ask him?”

Franswa: “I’ve always felt like there was something different about him…”

Zell: “What’s it matter?”

Franswa: “It matters!”

Zell: “Why?”

Franswa: “Because…because…I don’t know! It’s just important to me! I have to know!”

(with that he leaves the room. zell just looks confused)

Zell: “…I’m not even ready to be awake yet.” *lies back down*


(meanwhile, over at the ramble room, sephiroth comes into the room where lark is. he looks slightly hung over)

Lark: “Hey, you! How was Alucard’s party?”

Sephiroth: “Drunk.”

Lark: “What?”

Sephiroth: “I don’t know.” *plops down on the couch* “All I remember is the booze.”

Lark: “And this was *Alucard’s* party?”

Sephiroth: “We wound up at Reno’s bar.”

Lark: “Oh. Now I get it. Well, I’m sorry I missed it.”

Sephiroth: “Where were you anyway, woman? You missed the party and babysitting Lily. I had to do it! And I was seen by others!”

Lark: “Sorry…something came up. Real world stuff.”

Sephiroth: “Real world stuff?”

Lark: “Yeah. Where do you think I go when I’m not here?”

Sephiroth: *shrugs* “I don’t know. I never really thought about it.”

Lark: “So where did all of them go yesterday?”

Sephiroth: “Who?”

Lark: “Tseng and Reeve and Elena and Rufus.”

Sephiroth: “Oh. Them. I dunno. He wouldn’t tell me.”

Lark: *blink blink* “…You’re hung over. Aren’t you.”

Sephiroth: “I told you the party wound up at Reno’s bar. The rest should be obvious.”


(so where did they go? I will tell you, because they are doing the same thing right now. rufus, elena, reeve, tseng and the kids are walking through a huge mansion. it’s obviously a model home. they’re standing back in the foyer. elena has a piece of paper in her hand and is looking at it)

Elena: “Ten bedrooms is a lot of space…”

Rufus: “No it’s not. That’s one for us, one for each kid, and one for Mr. Jingles. Plus we’ll have extra rooms for any other kids we want to have.”

Tseng: “And not that I’m complaining, but I really don’t think Reeve, Lily and I need five bedrooms in the guest house.”

Rufus: “Well…but what if you adopt a kid or something?”

Tseng: “Hmm…I never thought about that.”

Rufus: “This house has it all! Horse stables, a spa, a sauna, huge indoor and outdoor pools, hot tubs, tennis courts, 9 holes of golf, a movie screening room, a gym, a small lake, a five car garage AND a bowling alley! And that doesn’t count the guest house you guys get to live in!”

Reeve: “That’s a mansion all by itself.”

Rufus: “Sure, I could make Reeve design us a place, but this is already built and the price is right!”

Elena: “It’s 100 million dollars!”

Rufus: “So?”

Elena: “That’s a lot of money…”

Rufus: “For all this house? It’s a bargain! If I’m finally gonna buy a house, I’m gonna go all out!”

Elena: “I don’t think we’ll even use half these amenities!”

Rufus: “It’s just good to have them!”

Elena: “It’ll cost 10 million dollars just to keep the property maintained!”

Rufus: “I make more than that just going to the bathroom!”

Elena: “It just seems so excessive. I don’t know what we’ll do with all this space. It’s over 10,000 square feet! There’s a library for goodness sakes!”

Rufus: “Well I like it. How about you two?”

Tseng: “I can’t complain. That guest house is worth over a million dollars by itself.”

Reeve: “It really is nice…and you can’t argue with the quality of the building itself.”

Rufus: “What do you think, Max?”

Max: “This is like a castle!”

Rufus: *smiles* “That it is, Max!”

Elena: *sigh* “All right. I won’t argue with you anymore. This house is amazing. We’re going to need a *lot* furniture.”

Rufus: “Not a problem! That’s easy! I’ll hire an interior designer.” *starts patting his sides* “I think I have Juste Belmont’s card somewhere…”

Elena: “This is kinda exciting! A real house!”

Tseng: “House? You mean mansion.”

Reeve: “I guess we’ll have to tell people back at the ramble room now.”

Rufus: “Well…let’s wait a little while. It’ll take a few months for the whole process anyway. No sense in rushing into anything.”

Tseng: “Do you think Lark will be mad?”

Rufus: “…No! Why would she be mad? It’s not like we’re the first people who’ve ever moved out! Tifa and Cloud both moved out! Zell’s basically moved out! They’re still back! It’ll be the same with us!”

Tseng: “Yeah…I guess you’re right.”

Rufus: “Besides, you think Lark’s gonna be hanging around the ramble room forever?”

(everyone stops and thinks about that a minute)

Reeve: “…You know, I never thought about it that way before. But you’re right.”

Rufus: “Anyway, let’s go get the realtor.”

Max: “So we’re gonna move into the castle?”

Rufus: “You bet we are!” *picks him up* “And then we’ll all live happily ever after!”


(meanwhile, back at the belmont house, franswa goes into the kitchen to see juste sitting there going through some store flyers)

Franswa: “Hi, grandpa.”

Juste: “Oh, hello, Franswa. Have you seen your father? He was looking for you yesterday.”

Franswa: “Um…no.” *sits down* “Grandpa? Can I ask you something?”

Juste: “Of course you can! What’s on your mind?”

Franswa: “Uh…I heard…from somebody…that you and your friend Maxim…well you were…you know.”

Juste: *blink blink*

Franswa: *softly* “Lovers.”

(juste’s eyes widen in surprise a moment)

Juste: “Where did you hear that from?”

Franswa: “Just somebody! And I’m sorry for being nosy but I just…I had to know if it was true!”

(juste looks stunned a moment. but then he hangs his head and speaks softly)

Juste: “…I don’t know who told that to you, Franswa. But that’s a secret I’ve been hiding for a long, long time.”

Franswa: *shocked* “So then it’s true?”

Juste: “Yes. It’s true.”

Franswa: “So you are…but…you were married, right? What about…I don’t get it.”

Juste: “I never liked to classify myself, and I certainly don’t want to take anything away from your grandmother. She was a lovely woman, and I loved her dearly. Maxim and I knew we could never really be together. I was a first born Belmont. It was part of my destiny to marry and continue on the Belmont line. I had no choice but to walk away.”

Franswa: “You just…walked away?”

Juste: “I had to. It was expected of me. And I knew in order to do that I wouldn’t be able to see him ever again.”

Franswa: “And you did that?”

Juste: *nods* “I did. After we parted, the next time I saw Maxim…he was lying in a casket.”

Franswa: “That’s…so sad…”

Juste: “Part of me will always deeply regret that choice, but if I could go back I never would make a different one.”

Franswa: “Well what happened? What made you realize you loved him to begin with?”

Juste: “Well…it was all quite accidental really…”

(flashback. we see an annoyed woman putting her clothes back on. this is lydie, who juste and maxim just rescued from castle dracula)

Lydie: “That’s it! I’m leaving! You two don’t wanna threesome! You just don’t wanna look gay!”

Juste: “Uh…what are you talking about?”

Maxim: “Yeah, uh…that’s crazy talk.”

Lydie: “Oh please! If you ignored me any more I’d be invisible! Good-bye!”

(she storms out. juste and maxim both sit there looking uncomfortable)

Juste: “…She’s crazy.”

Maxim: “Yeah.”

Juste: “It wasn’t like we wanted her to leave.”

Maxim: “Of course not.”

(they both look at each other, then grab each other and start going at it again. back in the present, juste is finishing up his tale with a smile, while franswa looks traumatized)

Juste: *happy sigh* “It was the most passionate night of my life.”

Franswa: “Uh…I really didn’t need to hear that, grandpa.”

Juste: “You asked.”

Franswa: *mutters* “And I’m very sorry that I did.”

Juste: “This is something I can trust you to keep to yourself, Franswa.”

Franswa: “Uh…of course.”

Juste: “The Belmont’s…we are a family of many secrets. We may claim perfection, but none of us are. Now you know my secret.”

Franswa: “You’re ashamed of it, aren’t you. You shouldn’t be.”

Juste: “Maybe not, but I am all the same.” *softly* “You should go find your father. He needs to speak with you.”

(Franswa takes this as his cue to leave. he gets up and leaves the room with a sigh)

Franswa: *mutters* “Secrets indeed. Wonder how they’d react if they found out about Alucard.”

(then richter comes down the stairs)

Richter: “There you are, Franswa! I was looking for you yesterday!”

Franswa: “I heard. What is it?”

Richter: “I have something very important to tell you.”

(he waves franswa over to the corner of the living room and then pulls out a small box. he opens it up and there’s a gorgeous diamond ring inside)

Franswa: *gasp* “Dad! That stone is huge!”

Richter: “We Belmont’s don’t do anything small. What do you think? I’m going to give it to Tifa.”

Franswa: “You’re going to ask her to marry you?”

Richter: *nods* “It was important that I tell you first.”

Franswa: “Well she’s going to love it.”

Richter: “…So you’re not upset?”

Franswa: “Upset? Why would I be upset?”

Richter: “I was worried you’d be upset with me for marrying her and replacing your mom.”

Franswa: “Oh, dad. Mom’s been dead a long time. And besides, she’d only want you to be happy. And so do I.”

Richter: “I’m very happy to hear that.”

Franswa: “So when are you going to ask her?”

Richter: “Tomorrow at Thanksgiving dinner! In front of everyone! It will be the most joyous Belmont Thanksgiving yet!”

Franswa: “It won’t be hard to top last year.”

Richter: “…Yes. This is true.”


(awhile later back at the ramble room, rufus knocks on the door to algus’ room. algus opens it himself a few seconds later.)

Algus: “Ah, Rufus. I’m glad you had a chance to come by.”

Rufus: “So you found someone to rent the place?”

Algus: “Three someone’s actually. The one I spoke with seemed like a very nice young gentleman of an obviously good background. He said he and three male friends were looking for a place. I don’t know if they are homosexuals or not, but I figured you wouldn’t mind.”

Rufus: “Are you kidding me? I don’t care what they do as long as they live more than five seconds! Thanks, Algus. Are they moving in?”

Algus: “As we speak. Do you care to go over and meet them?”

Rufus: “Yeah, in a minute. I have to tell you something first, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else yet, okay? It’s kind of a secret.”

Algus: “I swear on my family crest.”

Rufus: “I’m buying a house.”

Algus: “This is splendid news, Rufus! Your family does need a proper home!”

Rufus: “Exactly.”

Algus: “How large is it?”

Rufus: “Ten bedrooms, eleven bathrooms. It sits on over 20 acres of property.”

Algus: “Sounds fabulous! I hope it has proper slave quarters. Something like this is usually more than enough.”

(he goes over and opens the closet. zidane is sitting inside with a flashlight trying to read a comic book. his legs are all scrunched up against the wall in front of him)

Zidane: “Hey! I’m trying to have my private time here!”

Algus: “As you can see this is more than spacious.”

Zidane: “Spacious?! Are you kidding me?! I keep getting cramps in my legs!”

Rufus: “I really don’t think we’ll be having slaves.”

Algus: “I see. Oh well. More for me then.”

Zidane: “Can you close the door so I can finish reading this, ya jerk?”

Algus: “My favorite part is that it’s also virtually soundproof.”

(he closes the door and you can hear zidane’s muffled voice cursing algus from behind it)

Algus: *smiles* “Fantastic.”

Rufus: “Well let’s go meet my new tenants.”

(they leave the room and start heading for the door when lark comes over)

Lark: “Hey! Where are you two going?”

Rufus: “To see my new tenants!”

Lark: “New tenants? What game are they from?”

Algus: “Hm…I do not know.”

Lark: “Okay…”

Algus: “But the fellow said his name was Balthier. Rather charming young man.”

Lark: *eyes widen* “I’m sorry, did you say Balthier?”

Algus: “I believe that’s what he said, yes. Do you recognize that name?”

Lark: “Do I recognize that name?! Of course I do! That’s Final Fantasy XII!”

Rufus: “Final Fantasy XII?! Oh great! Algus!”

Algus: “Sorry! Never thought to ask.”

Lark: “What are we waiting for? Let’s go!”

(with that she drags them both out the door.)


(meanwhile across the street at the belmonts, there’s a knock on the door. hugh answers it. it’s reno)

Hugh: “Can I help you?”

Reno: “Yeah, I’m lookin’ for Franswa.”

Hugh: “And who might you be?”

Reno: *blink blink* “You serious?”

Hugh: *stares*

Reno: “I’m Reno. He knows me.”

Hugh: “Reno… I think I’ve heard your name before…”

Reno: “Not surprised. Everybody knows me.” *grin*

Hugh: “Zell mentioned something about a failed cooking show or something…”

Reno: *frowns* “Not really the thing I want people to remember.”

Hugh: *yells* “Franswa! Someone at the door for you!”

(he walks away. franswa comes down the stairs and walks over)

Franswa: “Oh. Hello. You have that heart herb for me?”

Reno: “The what? Oh. Right. The heart herb. Yup.”

(he holds out a bag of green leaves. franswa takes it and studies it closely)

Franswa: “Weird looking herb.”

Reno: *lots of sweat drops* “Okay…put it away now so no one else can see it…”

Franswa: “I’ll make the brownies tomorrow morning, so you can come pick them up around noon tomorrow.”

Reno: “Excellent. Thanks again. Here’s your fifty bucks.” *hands over money*

Franswa: *takes it* “Thanks.”

(reno leaves. franswa shuts the door just as zell walks over)

Zell: “Who was that?”

Franswa: “Reno. He wants me to make some brownies for him with this weird herb in it.” *shows it to zell* “Said it’s good for your heart.”

Zell: *studies it* “Feel like I’ve seen this somewhere before…”

Franswa: “Anyway, he paid me fifty bucks and I have to make brownies anyway. So no big deal.”

Zell: “See! Everybody wants you to make them brownies! You’re famous even before your restaurant!”

Franswa: “Do you really think Reno would be concerned with any kind of herb that would actually help you?”

Zell: *shrugs* “I dunno. He does lotsa weird stuff.”


(so lark has dragged rufus and algus across the street to the condo. she happily bangs on the door)

Rufus: “You see what you did, Algus? We thought this day would never come!”

Algus: “I swear I did not know!”

(the door opens. it’s a really handsome guy with brown hair and a dashing smile)

Balthier: “Well, well, well. Guests already?”

Lark: “Hi! I’m Lark, your new across the street neighbor! It’s great to meet you!”

Balthier: “A delight to meet you as well.”

Rufus: “I’m Rufus, your new landlord.”

Balthier: “You must be the friend Algus spoke of.”

Algus: “Indeed he is. Have your friends moved in as well?”

Balthier: “They are unpacking as we speak.”

Lark: “Friends?”

Balthier: “It seems Vaan, Basch and myself will be living here for awhile.”

Lark: “Awesome!”

Rufus: “You can ignore her fan-girlishness. I just came by to make sure everything is okay. I’ve had some bad experiences with tenants in the past.”

Balthier: “Understood. Well don’t worry. You won’t have any trouble from us.”

Rufus: “I better not.”

Algus: “Now, now, let’s let the gentleman get back to moving.” *tugs larks arm*

Lark: *pout* “Okay. Well if you need anything, don’t be a stranger!”

Balthier: “I’ll keep that in mind.”

(they leave and start heading back over the ramble room)

Lark: “He is so cool. Who can’t love a sky pirate?”

Algus: “A sky pirate! Is that what he is?”

Lark: “Now, yeah.”

Algus: “A common thief! I mistook him for someone of nobility! Rufus, I am so sorry. I am not often fooled.”

Rufus: “I don’t really care as long as you got the money up front.”

Algus: “Of course I did.”

Rufus: “With my track record, that’s all that matters.” *checks watch* “Damn, I’m running late. I’ll see you later.”

(he leaves. lark and algus stand on the porch)

Algus: “A sky pirate! That’s so…so…”

Lark: *dreamy sigh* “Hot.”

Algus: *frowns* “…Not quite the word I was looking for.”


(a short time later at the therapy center, rufus is with the rest of the villain group, except for liquid snake. koudelka is with them. everyone is standing and has their head bowed)

Koudelka: “And now a moment of silence for Liquid Snake, who we will all miss, especially his two hundred and fifty dollars a week, which he always paid on time.”

Everyone: “………………”

Koudelka: “Does anyone else wanna say anything?”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Koudelka: “Well said. All right, I’m off to find a replacement.”

(she leaves. everyone takes their seat.)

Bowser: “When someone you know dies so suddenly like that, it really makes you think. I could be next!”

Nightmare: “Nightmare’s life is threatened many times a day! Nightmare bought don’t worry, be happy t-shirt to try and stay positive! Then Cervantes ripped the t-shirt! Nightmare put his sword through his brain! But he’ll be back!”

Rufus: “I feel kind of to blame. He was living in my condo and all. They asked me if I wanted an autopsy done, but I said no. They wanted to charge me twenty bucks! It’s not like I really cared about the guy! I found someone else to take the condo the next day. They also died, but I’m pretty sure it was an unrelated matter.”

(meanwhile, outside, koudelka is at the desk when cid comes over. he goes to open his mouth)

Koudelka: “Yes, I had a good time on our date, no you don’t have to work tomorrow, and maybe Halley and I will consider having Thanksgiving dinner with you.”

Cid: *shuts mouth* “Oh. Well that was #$%^@#$ easy.”

Koudelka: “Yuri is coming over to my place. You’re welcome to come if you want.”

Cid: “You know I’ll be there.” *frowns* “What’s all this blue hair all over the place?”

Koudelka: “It’s from the messed up wind mouse. I really don’t wanna go there.”

(then yuri comes out of one of the rooms and stomps over to koudelka)

Yuri: “Can I fire myself?”

Koudelka: “No.”

Yuri: “I can’t deal with these freaks anymore! Rudy tried to hump me!”

Koudelka: “You probably liked it.”

Yuri: “That’s not the point!”

Koudelka: “Get back in there.”

Yuri: “I had them draw pictures! That was a mistake! I won’t tell you what he drew, because I don’t wanna give you nightmares!”

Koudelka: “Then get back to your group.”

(yuri pouts but he does so.)

Koudelka: “He thinks he has problems? Someone in the villains group *died*! Now I have to find someone to replace him. What ever kind of mouse porn drawings Yuri is dealing with is nothing next to that.”

Yuri’s voice: *screams* “I said I *didn’t* wanna pet your mouse! Put that away!”

Koudelka and Cid: *stare at each other*

Koudelka: “Well…most of the time.”


(the next day, which happens to be thanksgiving, franswa is in the kitchen pulling two trays of brownies out of the oven when zell and hugh come in)

Hugh: “Good morning! Happy Thanksgiving!”

Franswa: “Happy Thanksgiving.”

Zell: “Happy Thanksgiving!” *reaches for a brownie*

Franswa: “No, Zell! Those aren’t ours!”

Zell: “Are they Reno’s?”

Franswa: “Yup.”

Zell: “Oh. Well can I have one of ours?”

Franswa: “Not yet.”

(the doorbell rings)

Simon’s voice: “Franswa! Get the door! Your gay uncle/father is here!”

Franswa: “Damn. I really need to cut these up and put them on the serving trays…”

Hugh: “Leave it to me, cousin!”

Franswa: *hesitates*

Hugh: “I can handle it! Trust me!”

(doorbell rings again)

Simon’s voice: “Franswa! I knew my voice carries!”

Franswa: “All right, fine. But put Reno’s on the red plate and ours on the blue plate.”

Hugh: “Easy as brownies!” *chuckles*

Franswa: *blink blink*

Hugh: “…You know, like easy as pie…only with brownies.”

Franswa: “…Oh.”

Hugh: *hangs head* “I’m not very funny.”

(doorbell rings again)

Simon’s voice: “FRANSWA!”

Franswa: “I’m coming!”

(he stomps out with zell. hugh grabs the knife and starts cutting up reno’s brownies…and putting them on the blue plate)

Hugh: “See, I can handle this! Franswa has nothing to worry about!”

(so franswa and zell go and get the door. not only are horatio and franklin there, but also julia, morris, nathan, christopher, solieyu and stanford.)

Franswa: “Oh. Hello.”

Julia: “Happy Thanksgiving!” *kisses him on the cheek* “Look at you! Your dad told me about your restaurant! Congratulations!”

Horatio: “Yes, Franswa. We’re all quite proud of you.”

Franswa: *blushing* “Uh, thanks. Well come on in.”

(everybody comes in)

Franklin: “We brought some pies.”

Franswa: “Oh great. We can put those in the kitchen.”

Stanford: “Where’s your father?”

Franswa: “He’s…around.”

Solieyu: “It smells quite nice in here.”

Franswa: “I was just making brownies.”

Christopher: “Brownies, eh?”

Nathan: “Where’s Hugh?”

Hugh: *comes over* “Right here! I was just cutting up the brownies for Franswa. Happy Thanksgiving, father!”

Morris: “Nathan aced his knowledge of the undead exam! Look! 100 percent!” *holds it up*

Hugh: *frowns* “I have a girlfriend now. She’s coming to dinner! You’ll get to meet her!”

Morris: “Nathan has to fight the girls off with a stick! But right now he doesn’t have time for any.”

Trevor: *coming over* “Who’re you talking about?”

Morris: “My son Nathan!”

Trevor: “Who?”

Simon: “There you all are!”

Franswa: “I didn’t think everybody would be here so early.”

Richter: *comes over* “Everybody? Who’s everybody? Oh! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!”

Franswa: “Well once again you made it sound like tons of people are coming. But it’s just the close family.”

Richter: “Oh everyone else isn’t coming until much later! We can’t have everyone showing up at once! How could they fit through the door?”

Franswa: *pales*


(meanwhile, at the castle across the street, dante is flipping through a bunch of take out menus while alucard flips through the tv channels.)

Dante: “You think any of these places deliver on Thanksgiving?”

(before alucard can answer, dracula comes running in, waving his arms around wildly. he’s also not wearing any pants.)

Dracula: “Alucard! It’s all right! I know what today is! So I’ve slaughtered many turkeys!”

Alucard: *blink blink* “You *what*? Dad, where are your pants?”

Dracula: “They’re on the back porch! Come look!” *runs off*

Alucard: *gets up* “This is one of the many times I hope he has no idea what he’s talking about.”

(he and dante follow dracula to the back porch. luckily, the only thing that’s stacked there is toilet paper)

Dracula: “See! Look what a good job I did, Alucard!”

Alucard: *sigh* “Dad, where did you get all this toilet paper from?”

Dracula: “Cook them up good, Alucard! I’m hungry!”

Alucard: *hand to his head* “Every holiday is torture.” *sigh* “Dad, these aren’t turkeys. And where are your pants?”

Dracula: “My hands?” *holds them up* “They’re right here, Alucard!”

Alucard: “No, your pants! You’re not wearing any pants!” *points*

Dracula: *looks down* “Pants are overrated!”

Dante: *thoughtfully* “You know—“

Alucard: “Don’t you *dare* agree with him.”

Dante: “I don’t like clothes.”


(meanwhile, back at the belmont house, there are people everywhere. franswa ducks into the kitchen where zell is standing with the brownies)

Franswa: “There are people *everywhere*!”

Zell: “Do you even know all these people?”

Franswa: “No! I don’t even know half these people!”

(the doorbell rings. franswa grabs the red plate of brownies)

Franswa: “This better be Reno this time, because I look like an idiot answering the door with a plate of brownies every time!”

(so he makes his way through the sea of people to the front door. this time it’s actually reno and he looks relieved.)

Franswa: “Finally! Here’re your brownies.”

Reno: *takes them* “Thanks, man!”

Franswa: “Sorry to run, but there are like a million people in my house.”

Reno: “No problem! Happy Thanksgiving!”

Franswa: “You too.”

(he closes the door and goes back in the kitchen to see zell eating a brownie with a confused expression)

Franswa: “Zell! I didn’t say you could eat those yet!”

Zell: “You didn’t say I *couldn’t* eat them.”

Franswa:  *sigh*

Zell: “These taste better than usual. Did you change anything?”

Franswa: *frowns* “Not that I know of… Unless Hugh messed up!” *takes one and tastes it* “Hmm…yeah. This does taste pretty good. Reno said that stuff he had tasted terrible. They couldn’t possibly make the brownies taste *better*.” *takes another bite* “This is *really* good.”

Zell: *nods* “*Really* good.”

Both: *look at each other*

Franswa: “Let’s take them up to my room and eat them all.”

Zell: “Yes!!”

(he grabs the plate and they run out. richter wanders in looking confused)

Richter: “Franswa? Franswa? Come meet your cousins! Franswa?” *frowns* “Where did he run off to?”


(meanwhile, over at koudelka’s, she’s putting the turkey on the table. halley and yuri are already sitting down. cid is in the bathroom)

Halley: “That turkey looks really good, mommy.”

Koudelka: “Thanks, but I didn’t cook it. Yuri did.”

Yuri: “But if it tastes like crap, blame your mom.”

(there’s a knock at the door. koudelka looks confused)

Koudelka: “Who the hell is that?” *glares at yuri* “You didn’t call one of your *services*, did you?”

Yuri: “On Thanksgiving? Give me a *little* credit!”

(she goes over and opens the door. it’s edward)

Edward: “Hey! Happy Thanksgiving!”

Koudelka: “*Edward*?”

Halley: “Daddy?”

Koudelka: “What the hell are you doing here?”

Edward: “I came by to see my son for the holiday! Look, I brought beef jerky!”

Koudelka: “I thought you were in jail!”

Edward: “I got out for good behavior!”

Koudelka: “I don’t believe this.”

Halley: “Hi, daddy! Happy Thanksgiving! I’m glad you’re here! You can meet mommy’s new boyfriend!”

Edward: *eyes flash* “New boyfriend?”

(cid comes out of the bathroom)

Cid: “All right, time to slice up that damn bird!” *sees edward* “Who the hell are you?”

Edward: “Who am I?! I’m Halley’s father! Who the hell are you?”

Cid: “I’m Koudelka’s boyfriend. Gotta problem with that?”

Edward: “Yeah, I do! Koudelka’s my woman!”

Koudelka: “What?! No I’m not!”

Cid: “She doesn’t seem to agree.”

Edward: “Koudelka, how could you do this to me? I thought you loved me!”

Koudelka: “I never loved you! I never even implied that I did!”

Yuri: *leans back in his seat and snacks on some bread*

Edward: “We had a special connection!”

Koudelka: “Yeah. Called booze.”

Edward: “Now this bozo thinks he can step into the picture and steal my family!” *raises fists*

Cid: “Bring it on, #$%@#$*&^@#$!”

(they both raise their fists and go to punch each other, but koudelka quickly gets between them)

Koudelka: “Both of you knock it off! I don’t want a white trash Thanksgiving worthy of a Jerry Springer episode!”

Edward: “You replaced me!”

Koudelka: “There was nothing to replace!”

Edward: “Halley’s my kid!”

Koudelka: “I never said he wasn’t! Now calm down! This is Thanksgiving. Sit down and eat some damn turkey with us. And everybody be nice to each other. Edward, stop acting like I  mean something to you. And Cid, ignore him, he’s an idiot. Now sit!”

(everybody sits, but edward is still glaring at cid)

Edward: “Ya have sex with her yet?”

Koudelka: “Stop it!”


(back at the belmonts, both zell and franswa are lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. the brownie plate is empty and there are crumbs everywhere. they are both giggling.)

Franswa: “Oh man. Oh man those brownies were good.”

Zell: “Those brownies…were awesome.”

Franswa: *laughs* “That’s funny.”

Zell: “What’s funny?”

Franswa: “Awesome.” *laughs* “That’s a funny word. It sounds weird. Awesome. Awe…some. Weird.”

Zell: *laughs* “Yeah. That is weird. And awesome.”

Franswa: *laughs* “Awesome.”

Zell: *laughing* “You’re crazy! Stop laughing!”

Franswa: “You stop laughing!” *laughs* “Man…I don’t know what was so great about those brownies.”

(flash to the ramble room. reno, trini, irvine and rude are all sitting around an empty plate of brownies with frowns)

Trini: “I’m still not high.”

Irvine: “Dude…this sucks.”

Reno: “Rude, what kinda weak sh*t did you sell me?”

Rude: “That stuff was good. Not my problem.”

(back to the belmonts)

Franswa: *laughs* “Whatever I did, I gotta do it again.”

Zell: “I’m still hungry.”

Franswa: “Me too.” *gasp* “Let’s make brownies!”

Zell: “Yeah, totally! We totally gotta make brownies!”

Franswa: “Brownies are awesome.”

Zell: “Totally awesome.”

Franswa: *snort* “Awesome.”

(they get up and head back downstairs.)


(downstairs, some time later, the house is wall to wall belmonts. most of the conversations are about vampires. hugh, bria and nathan are talking with alexander belmont when richter walks over)

Alexander: “And so I decided to write a book, because the amount of ignorance in this world surrounding vampires was just too staggering.”

Bria: *yawns*

Hugh: “Fascinating! Well I’ve enjoyed it greatly.”

Alexander: “Thank you.”

Nathan: “Me too.”

Alexander: “Who are you again?”

Richter: “Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt your conversation, but have you seen Franswa around?”

Hugh: “I believe he’s in the kitchen.”

Richter: “Of course.”

(he goes into the kitchen where franswa and zell are making brownies…everything’s a mess)

Zell: “Hey! It’s your dad!”

Franswa: “Hey dad! Want some brownies? They’re *awesome*!” *laughs*

Richter: “Franswa, why are you baking brownies now?”

Franswa: “Because I’m hungry.”

Zell: “I’m eating chips too!”

Richter: *whispers loudly* “Well get out in the living room! I’m going to propose to Tifa now!”

Franswa: *gasp* “You are?”

Richter: “Yes! I told you this yesterday!”

Franswa: “You did??”

Richter: “Yes! What is wrong with you? Now get out there!”

(he practically drags the both of them out to the living room. tifa is sitting on the couch with baby duke, julia and several other female belmonts. richter walks over to her with a big smile)

Richter: “Attention, everyone! Can I have your attention please?” *everyone is quiet* “Thank you. On this day of Thanksgiving, I just need a moment to talk about what I am thankful for. I am very lucky to have such a fantastic family, but I am equally lucky to have such a fantastic partner. And she has blessed me with a son who will someday grow up to kill Dracula.”

Franswa: *snorts and mutters* “Dracula smells…”

Richter: *glares at him a moment* “Tifa, you are an inspiration to me and nothing would make me happier than spending the rest of my life with you.” *gets down on one knee and opens the ring box* “Will you do me the honor of marrying me?”

Tifa: *looks shocked* “Richter, really?”

Richter: “Of course! I wouldn’t want anyone else by my side.”

Tifa: “Of course I will!”

(she hugs and kisses him. everyone applauds. everyone comes over to congratulate them.)

Juste: “Congratulations, son!”

Simon: “Have more kids!”

Stanford: “You’ve made the Belmont family proud.”

Trevor: “Dracula trembles in fear at the Belmont name!”

Franswa: *snort laugh* “Dracula. Man, that was such a funny story.”

Zell: *eating chips* “These taste *great*!”

Richter: *frowns* “Franswa, what is wrong with you?”

Trevor: “Don’t disrespect your father like that!””

Franswa: “You disrespect your father all the time!”

Trevor: “What are you talking about? I don’t even know my father! But I assume whoever he was, he was a great man!”

Franswa: “If great means half vampire!” *laughs*

Zell: *laughs* “You’re so bad.”

Trevor: *paling* “What are you talking about?”

Franswa: “Alucard’s your daddy!”

Trevor: *paling more* “…What?”

Franswa: “Sonia Belmont banged him! Then you were born. We’re alllllllllllll part vampire! Isn’t that crazy?” *laughs*

Everyone: “…………………………”

Trevor: “T-this can’t be true!”

Simon: “Who the hell told you that?”

Franswa: “He did. *Duh*!”

Richter: “Vicious lies!”

Juste: “That can’t be…we’ve been fighting vampires for ages! We can’t *be* vampires!”

Everyone: “……………”

Hugh: “I feel sick.”

Stanford: “A confrontation is in order!”

Christopher: “Surely this must be vampire propaganda!”

Solieyu: “Even I don’t believe it.”

Simon: “That’s it! To the castle!!”

(everyone quickly makes a mad rush for the door. only zell and franswa are left behind. zell is still shoveling chips into his mouth)

Franswa: “Where the hell are they all going?”

Zell: “Who cares? More brownies for us!”

(Richter stomps back in and grabs both of them by the wrist)

Richter: “Don’t think you’re excused, young man!”

(he drags them across the street where the belmont gang has gathered in front of the castle. trevor is banging on the door)

Trevor: “Open up, foul demons!”

(the door opens a second later. it’s dracula. he’s still wearing no pants. a jar of holy water smashes next to his head)

Julia: “Morris! Hold your fire!”

Dracula: *chuckles* “Trick or treaters! And what are *you* supposed to be?”

Trevor: “Where is the one you call Alucard?”

Dracula: “Alucard? Who’s that? I’m Vlad! What’s your name?” *sticks hand out and it falls off* “Oops! Don’t worry! That happens all the time!”

(alucard comes over with dante)

Alucard: “Dad, what’s going—“ *sees all the belmonts* “…Oh boy.”

Trevor: “Alucard! How dare you spread lies about the Belmont’s!”

Alucard: “Lies? What lies?”

Simon: “We’re not related to you unholy freaks!”

Juste: “How dare you say that you’re the father of the great Trevor Belmont!”

Alucard: *eyes widen* “Who told you that?”

Richter: “My son Franswa did!”

Franswa: “I did?”

Dante: “…Are you high or something?”

Franswa: “Huh? I had these really awesome brownies if that’s what you mean.” *laughs* “Heh. Awesome.”

Trevor: “You take back that vicious lie right now!”

Alucard: “…It’s not a lie! I…really am your father.”

Belmonts: *gasp*

Dracula: “Alucard! You’re your father?! I thought I was your father! What’s a father?” *to dante* “Are you my father?”

Dante: “Oh boy.”

Christopher: “This is madness!”

Stanford: “We’re part vampire!”

Juste: “We have demon blood running through our veins!”

Simon: “We have to kill ourselves!”

(all the belmonts starting yelling all at once.)

Dracula: “Door knobs! Cats! Hangars! Doo dads!”

Alucard: “Dad, what are you doing?”

Dracula: “I don’t know, Alucard! But everybody’s doing it!”

Dante: “You’ve really done it now, babe.”

Alucard: “I gotta fix this.” *deep breath* “Hey! Look! It’s not as bad as you think!”

Richter: “That’s crazy talk! We’re everything we’ve ever hated now! How can we go on??”

Alucard: “Look, I’ve fought my dad tons of times! I fight my own kind! I helped out a bunch of you when you went to fight him! Plus the vampire genes only made you stronger! Why do you think you’re all still alive!?”

Trevor: “I always thought God just really, really liked us.”

Alucard: “This isn’t something I ever wanted you to know. But now that you do… That doesn’t really change anything. So you’re part vampire, so what? It’s not like you have to drink blood to survive. Or sleep in a coffin. You should be glad to have all the perks but none of the side effects.”

Trevor: “Nonsense! Trickery! You fooled my mother into mating with you!”

Alucard: “Heh, yeah. If anything it was the other way around.”

Trevor: “What?!”

Alucard: “Trevor, look. Your mother…she was in love with me. In fact me staying out of your life wasn’t even her choice. It was mine. Years later she wrote me a letter saying how glad she was that she had met me, but it would probably be best if I never told you the truth. But I wanted to…so many times…”

Juste: “So we’re part vampire.”

Richter: “I…I never would have guessed.”

Alucard: “Keep fighting vampires. I’m sure one day dad will be evil again and you’ll have to send your young men after him.”

Dracula: “Something ate my pants!”

Alucard: “Hell, you can even keep bothering me if you want. I’m used to it. But know that I really am proud of the wonderful family I helped create. And today is the best day of all to admit how thankful I am for it.”

Everyone: “…………….”

Trevor: “Well…maybe we can leave you alone. After all…you never really bothered us.” *pause* “Plus you’re half human, so that would only make me a quarter evil, horrible vampire.”

Alucard: “I don’t expect you to ever accept the fact. But…I guess the truth was bound to come out one day.”

Dante: “Between your drunken ramblings and your high offspring over there, it was a recipe for disaster.”

Richter: “Franswa! Are you high?”

Franswa: “I ate some brownies! Those aren’t drugs! You’re crazy, you’re crazy, dad!”

Juste: “Where would he even get drugs from anyway?”

(back at the ramble room, reno, irvine, rude and trini are still sitting around the empty plate. finally reno gets up and storms off)

Reno: “Whatever! Worst Thanksgiving ever!”

(a door slams)

Irvine: “Doesn’t turkey have a drug in it?”

Trini: “I think it just makes you sleepy.”

Irvine: “At this point I’ll take it.”



This entry was posted in And Then There Were 10 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to #198 – Truth Be Told

  1. Castlevania fan says:


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s