#182 – Sailing For Adventure (part one)

Bryatt: “Elena? Whoring around? Tseng, you invented whoring around.”

Originally Published: 7/28/06 . 50 pages

The MAFIA takes everyone on the first voyage of their new cruise ship! Everyone’s ready for tons of fun on the high seas!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I love all the ramble trips, but this is far and away my favorite, thanks to all the drama, drunks and anime cameos. I’ve been on a few cruises myself and I love them. My sister and I were always down for some trivia. There’s so much going on here that most of the characters only have a small role and a reoccurring joke or two – including the losers who just provide some good old fashioned comic relief. The title is taken from a song in Muppet Treasure Island.

(we open in the ramble room, where a bunch of people are gathered, including tseng, reeve, zell, auron, vincent, twilight, opal, zidane, rinoa, squall, irvine, reno, bryatt, elena, seifer, Ashley, rude, Brady and lark)

Seifer: “I wonder why Lark gathered us all here!”

Ashley: “Lark didn’t gather us all here, you idiot. She’s sitting right there!”

Seifer: “Oh.” *pause* “Well sue me!”

Lark: “Sephiroth told me to come.”

Rude: “Shell told me. Of course.”

Bryatt: “Setzer told me to be here.”

Tseng: “Edgar told me about it.”

Elena: “I was told to come here by Rufus.”

Zidane: “Algus forced me to come.”

Squall: “My dad wouldn’t shut up until I said I’d come.”

Lark: “Hmm… Well, what do all these people have in common?”

Everyone: “………………”

Lark: “…They’re all in the ramble room MAFIA. Come on, people.”

Brady: “*This* should be interesting.”

Reeve: “I wonder what they’re planning now.”

Reno: “I hope it involves booze.”

Irvine: “I hear that!” *high five*

Rinoa: “It must be good, right? They’re all rich!”

Auron: “I wouldn’t trust anything where Sephiroth was involved.”

Vincent: *sigh*

Twilight: “I’m bored!”

Bryatt: *checks watch* “Are they going to keep us waiting here all day? Some of us have appointments!”

Tseng: “What do you have an appointment for?”

Bryatt: “Nothing. But someone else might!”

(just then rufus, algus, sephiroth, shell, edgar, setzer and laguna enter the room, all smiles)

Algus: “Thank you for your patience. The other members of the Majestically Affluent Fabulous Investment Association and I have a very exciting announcement to make. I will now hand things off to our Vice-President, Mr. Rufus Shinra.”

Rufus: “Thank you, Algus. Friends, it is with great pride that I announce the launch of our new luxury cruise liner – the King Rufus II!”

(he turns back to laguna with a flourish, but laguna just stands there and shrugs)

Rufus: *whispers loudly* “Where’s the promotional poster?!”

Laguna: “I was in charge of something?!”

Rufus: “Yes! And apparently I made a huge mistake!”

Shell: “Uh, well, they can get the concept without the poster. Basically we’ve built a huge luxury cruise liner! There’s restaurants, pools, a spa, clubs, bars, and all kinds of stuff on board!”

Reno: “Bars? When do we sail?!”

Lark: “That sounds great! I love cruises!”

Ashley: “What are the ports?”

Edgar: “This ship is actually so huge that it only fits in the port we had custom built for it.”

Setzer: “So it’s a cruise to nowhere.”

Algus: “But there’s so much to do on board that you won’t even miss land!”

Zidane: “So when do we go?”

Sephiroth: “You know, you people are drawing a lot of conclusions, figuring we’re going to let you on board for free.”

Reeve: “I knew there was some catch! They drag us here to listen to their pitch, and now they won’t even let us go without paying. And I’m sure it’s not cheap!”

Sephiroth: “You’re right. It’s only free.” *takes out a bunch of tickets*

Reeve: “See? It’s—“ *pause* “Wait, what?”

Rufus: “We sold all the other tickets for tons of money! But, we decided to be nice and treat a select few to the luxury of the new ship.”

Algus: “Future cruises will not be free.”

Shell: “The boat sails tomorrow! So get packing! And that means we have to hit the mall, Rude.”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Sephiroth: “Everybody line up to get your tickets.”

(and so everyone lines up to get their tickets. and as they get them they all leave the room, talking excitedly. vincent is the last to get his)

Vincent: “Thank you.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, whatever.”

Vincent: “I feel honored that you even chose to include me.”

Sephiroth: “Beat it before I change my mind!”

(auron gives sephiroth the dirtiest look as he and vincent leave. the only people left in the room are zell and the members of the mafia)

Laguna: “Awesome! That went great!”

Rufus: “Except for the part where you were supposed to have the poster! Where is the poster?”

Laguna: “Uh… Ow!” *grabs his leg* “My leg!”

Rufus: *rolls eyes* “Not with the leg again! Is that your new thing?”

Sephiroth: “Hey. We’ve got 4 extra tickets! Who can’t count?”

Rufus: “Laguna.”

Laguna: “My leg!”

Edgar: “Can we add them to the eBay auction?”

Algus: “Too late. That already ended.” *checks watch* “In fact, the winners should be by to pick up their tickets shortly.”

Setzer: “What are we gonna do with the extras then?”

Rufus: *shrugs* “Give them to other people.”

Zell: *gasp* “Really? Hey, Rufus – can I ask Franswa to come?”

Rufus: *shrugs* “Okay.”

Zell: *grabs rufus and hugs him* “Omg, I love you, Rufus!” *grabs the ticket and runs off*

Laguna: *chuckles* “That young man is certainly full of life!”

Rufus: “I thought your leg hurt.”

Laguna: “It…uh…comes and goes.”

Rufus: “Why don’t you go pack?”

Laguna: “Good idea! I’ve gotta find my favorite duck floatie!” *he leaves*

Edgar: “What of the remaining tickets?”

Sephiroth: *huge sigh* “I guess I’ll give them to Alucard and Dante. And maybe his roommate will take the last one or something.”

Algus: “Well go make sure! I want a full boat!”

Sephiroth: “I hope there are enough lifeboats.”

Rufus: “Oh ha ha! You know I wouldn’t cut corners on that! The government wouldn’t let me!”

(sephiroth leaves. algus reaches into his pocket for some more tickets)

Algus: “Whoever bought these six tickets certainly must be rich.”

Setzer: “What was the final bid?”

Algus: “18,000 gil.”

Shell: “That would buy a lot of shoes.”

(then the doorbell rings)

Algus: “That must be the lucky bidder!”

(he goes and answers the door, and who’s standing there? but hojo and kuja)

Rufus: “Hojo!? What do you want?”

Hojo: “I’ve come to pick up the tickets I won!” *holds out bag of money* “Here is the 18,000 gil.”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Shell: “Ew.”

Algus: “*You’re* ‘VideoPervert’?”

Rufus: “Oh god, that was his handle?”

Algus: “Yes.”

Rufus: “Algus!”

Algus: “What?! I assumed everyone on the internet was a pervert!”

Shell: “Well, you were mostly right.”

Hojo: “Give me my tickets. I won them fair and square!”

Kuja: “I hear this boat has a spa?”

Shell: “The *best*. I oversaw everything personally.”

Kuja: “I’m looking forward to it.”

Setzer: “Count the money.”

Rufus: “Yeah! Count the money!”

(rufus snatches the money pouch and hands it to edgar, who quickly counts it)

Edgar: “It’s the correct amount.”

Hojo: “See? Now give me the tickets. I have a vacation to pack for. With the sun block and the swimsuit and then sandals and so on and so forth!”

Rufus: “Give him the tickets.”

Algus: “Very well.” *hands them over* “There you are. Enjoy your cruise.”

Hojo: “Will there by many children onboard?”

Rufus: “Get out of here, you sicko!”

(hojo and kuja leave)

Shell: “Better not tell Sephiroth his daddy’s onboard.”

Algus: “I don’t know much about the internet. I assumed it was mostly porn.”

Setzer: “Eh, you really gotta know where to look to find the good stuff.”

Edgar: *gasp* “Setzer!”

Everyone else: *looks at edgar*

Edgar: “Uh, I’m appalled that someone I’m, uh, *friends* with, and I stress the word friends there, would look at that kind of entertainment!”

Setzer: “Only if I’m really bored!”

Edgar: “I don’t believe this!” *stalks off*

Rufus: “Wow. He certainly takes his friends seriously.”

Setzer: “Uh, yeah. I guess so.” *sweat drops*

Shell: *sighs and shakes her head*


(meanwhile, across the street at dante’s place, sephiroth knocks on the door. dante answers.)

Dante: “Well, well, well! To what do we owe the *pleasure*, Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth: “Is Alucard here?”

Dante: “Of course. But since it’s sunny out, you’ll have to come inside if you wanna talk to my gorgeous boyfriend.”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “Do you ever wear a shirt?”

Dante: “Do you ever take that mask off? Oh – wait. Sorry. I forgot that was your face.”

Sephiroth: “Asshole.”

(sephiroth pushes past him and goes inside to the living room where alucard is watching tv with chris and lloyd.)

Sephiroth: “Hey, Alucard.”

Alucard: “Oh. Hi. …I didn’t expect to see you for awhile. After…”

Sephiroth: “Yeah. After you purposefully exposed me to your terrifying relative? I got over that fast. I don’t scare easily.”

Dante: *snort*

Sephiroth: *shoots him an evil look* “I *don’t*.”

Lloyd: “Dante did that to me too! But I wasn’t scared or anything, so it totally backfired!”

Dante: “Lloyd, you ran from the place screaming like a girl.”

Lloyd: “It’s Vergil! And shut up, jackbutt! I did not!”

Dante: “Jackbutt? What the hell is that?! Is that supposed to insult me or something?”

Lloyd: “Shut the #$%^ up, Dante!”

Sephiroth: “Anyway, I came here to see if you wanted these.” *takes out tickets*

Alucard: “What are those?”

Sephiroth: “They’re tickets for the maiden voyage of the King Rufus II, which leaves port tomorrow.”

Alucard: *skeptically* “How much?”

Sephiroth: “Free.” *pause* “Don’t want your skank boyfriend to have to whore himself out for an extra shift to pay for them.”

Dante: “Yeah… I love my job.” *snatches the tickets* “There are three here.”

Lloyd: “I’ll go!”

Dante: “Want to go, Chris?”

Chris: “And miss a week of work?! I can’t afford that!”

Dante: “What if I told you the boat is going to Europe.”

Chris: “IT IS?!”

Dante: “No. Just yankin’ your chain.”

Chris: *glares* “Not funny. Not funny at all.”

Lloyd: “I’ll go!”

Dante: “Why do you deserve a vacation? You don’t do anything around here!”

Lloyd: “Just because I don’t shake my ass in men’s faces all night doesn’t mean I don’t do anything, Dante!”

Dante: “Uh huh. And that’s really going to make me want you to come.”

Lloyd: *whines* “Come on, Dante! I put out a lot of fires this week! I inhaled a lot of smoke and had to cough and stuff! Sometimes it hurts to breathe!”

Dante: “Oh god. Don’t try and make me pity you. Here.” *tosses him the ticket* “Now shut up.”

Lloyd: “You’re an ass, Dante!”

Dante: “You’re welcome.”

(lloyd runs off)

Sephiroth: “Ugh. Good going bringing even more disease on the ship.”

Dante: “I’m doing you a favor. Maybe you two could hook up again.”

Sephiroth: “We never hooked up!”

Dante: “It’s okay. You can admit it.”

Sephiroth: “I’m leaving. See you two tomorrow – unfortunately!”

(he leaves. dante laughs and sits next to alucard on the couch)

Dante: “Oh man. This is gonna be a fun trip.”



(meanwhile, back across the street at the ramble room, reeve and tseng are packing, and talking…)

Reeve: “I have to hand it to Rufus for once. This is going to be a great vacation.”

Tseng: “Yeah.” *frowns*

Reeve: “What?”

Tseng: “Rufus invited Elena to go.”

Reeve: “So?”

Tseng: *annoyed sigh* “Reeve, I don’t think this is the best vacation to take Lily on. She’s not even a year old yet.”

Reeve: “Oh.”

Tseng: “*Oh*. Way to think about our daughter’s welfare.”

Reeve: “Excuse me for not being as smart as you.”

Tseng: *taps foot* “I don’t think she should go.”

Reeve: “You can’t tell her not to go.”

Tseng: “Watch me.” *leaves the room*

Reeve: “Tseng!”

(but tseng doesn’t listen. he goes to elena’s room and knocks on the door. rufus answers)

Rufus: “Oh, hiya, Tseng! I was just helping Elena arrange a babysitter for Lily.”

Tseng: *frowns* “Without me?”

Rufus: “Well, I suggested my sister Sunshine and she agreed! I figured you wouldn’t mind.”

Elena: “Oh, Tseng! Did Rufus tell you? He’s the best. This is going to be such a great vacation!”

Tseng: “You sure you should be leaving her with someone, Elena?”

Elena: “Why not? It’s only for a few days. She’ll be fine! I think Sunshine’s more than capable of watching her.”

Tseng: *taps foot looking annoyed*

Rufus: “See, Tseng? Don’t worry about it! I’ve taken care of everything. Just lay back and enjoy your vacation!” *frowns* “But when you get back to work don’t forget the vacation’s over!”

(tseng says nothing and just stalks away. he returns to reeve and slams the door shut as he enters)

Reeve: “She didn’t listen. Did she.”

Tseng: “Worse! Rufus has already arranged a babysitter!”

Reeve: “Really? Who’s going to watch her?”

Tseng: “Reeve! He didn’t even consult me! He’s just taking over! Just like he does with everything else!”

Reeve: “Why does it bother you that Rufus wants to help?”

Tseng: “Omg! How can someone so smart be so stupid!”

(and with that he kicks the door in anger and goes into the bathroom. reeve just stands there shaking his head)

Reeve: *mumbles* “I don’t know who I married sometimes…”



(and then onto the next day and the beginning of the vacation! the ramble room is full of everyone who’s going on the trip and their luggage. the mafia is standing at the front of the room, going through the room assignments.)

Rufus: “Okay, we have 11 double rooms, one triple room and 5 single rooms to give out. Out of those, 3 doubles, the triple and all the singles are suites. So who’s getting what?”

Algus: “Well obviously we get first crack at the suites. I will take a double so I can keep a close eye on my slave.”

Rufus: “All right.” *marks something off* “Well, I’ll take a single.”

Sephiroth: “Me too.”

Shell: “Double for me and Rude!”

Edgar: “Setzer and I will take a double.”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Rufus: “You *sure*?”

Setzer: “Yeah. We, uh, want the rest of the guests to be as comfortable as possible.”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Rufus: “You *sure*?”

Algus: “Because the doubles only have one king sized bed and a pull out couch. …And we all know who’s sleeping on the couch in my room.”

Edgar: *shifty eyes* “…We need the extra closet space.”

Rufus: “It doesn’t really have—“

Setzer: “I like to sleep on a pull out couch. Yup! Love it. Great for the back!”

Rufus: “Okay…” *mutters* “Weirdo.” *normally* “Okay, now all the double suites are gone. Now what?”

Sephiroth: “How are we gonna get rid of that triple?”

Everybody: *thinks*

Laguna: “Hey hey! I know! I’ll just share with my son and his girlfriend! They’ll love that!”

Shell: “Yeah. Sure they will.”

Rufus: “Sounds good. Now we’ve got 3 single suites left. Who gets them, and who has to share?”

Shell: “Well, the only people traveling without a significant other are Elena, Bryatt, Reno, Irvine, Zell, Franswa and Vergil.”

Sephiroth: “Who?”

Shell: “Lloyd.”

Sephiroth: “Oh right.”

Rufus: “Well, let’s give one to Elena…”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Rufus: “What? She’s a new mother – she deserves the extra nice room!”

Algus: “All right, Rufus. That sounds fine. Who else?”

Sephiroth: “Well Zell and Franswa probably won’t mind sharing. So just dump them in a double.”

Rufus: “And I’m not wasting suites on Irvine and Reno. They’re just steps away from drunkenly sleeping with one another anyway.”

Setzer: “So that leaves Bryatt.”

Sephiroth: “And Lloyd.”

Edgar: “Well there’s no harm in giving Bryatt the room.”

Sephiroth: “But Lloyd? He hardly deserves it! Nobody can stand him!”

Algus: “Well then that makes him the perfect candidate for a single, doesn’t it.”

Sephiroth: “I guess.”

Rufus: “Well that does it then. We’re all set.”

Algus: “All right, everyone! Into the van! Your luxury vacation on the King Rufus II awaits!”

(and everyone happily gathers up their luggage and heads onto the van.)



(a short time later everyone arrives at the ship. and it is huge. everyone stares up at it in shock)

Ashley: “Wow. That is a big ship.”

Reno: “Compensating for something, Rufus?”

Rufus: “Shut up, Reno.”

Opal: “Oh my goodness… I hope there’s a map! Otherwise I’ll get lost!”

Twilight: “Wouldn’t help me anyway! I’ll just use the Force.”

Zell: “You can ask the Force for directions?”

Twilight: “Of course I can! I can do anything with the Force! Watch!”

(suddenly zell is pushed down)

Zell: “Hey!”

Twilight: *laughs* “You asked for it!”

Opal: “That’s not nice, Twilight.”

Twilight: “No– but it was funny!”

Rufus: “Okay, come get your room keys!”

(everyone gets in line and he starts handing them out.)

Irvine: “Me n’ Reno have to share a room?”

Rufus: “Does it really matter?”

Both: “No.”

Rufus: “I didn’t think it would.”

Zell: “Hope you don’t mind that we’re sharing a room, Franswa.”

Franswa: “I don’t care. I’m away from my family for a few days! This is great!”

Lloyd: “Ha ha, Dante! I get my own room!”

Dante: “That’s because you’re a lonely loser and no one wants to be anywhere near you.”

Lloyd: *pouts* “Shut up! That’s not true!”

Dante: “Yes it is.”

Algus: “All right, everyone! Proceed onboard! The King Rufus II sails in two hours!”

(and so everyone gets on board and sets about finding their rooms. first laguna, squall and rinoa.)

Squall: “We have to share with you?!”

Laguna: “Isn’t it great, son? A real family vacation! We’ll always be together!” *puts an arm around squall*

Squall: “Is there still time to abandon ship?”

Rinoa: “Relax, Squall! We’re all gonna have a good time!”

Laguna: “See, Squall?” *throws an arm around rinoa too and pulls them both close* “We’re gonna be one happy family! We’ll get to do everything together!”

Squall: “Whatever… I’m gonna jump overboard.”

(next, shell and rude)

Shell: “Make sure you bring all the bags in, Rude.”

Rude: *is carrying so many bags you can’t see his face* “…Yes, Shell.”

Shell: “It’s such a beautiful room! Isn’t it, Rude?”

Rude: “…………”

Shell: “Rude?”

Rude: “…………”

Shell: “Rude!”

Rude: “I…can’t see anything, Shell.”

Shell: *sigh* “You always have to make things difficult for me, Rude.” *removes one bag so he can see a little* “Better?”

Rude: “Yes, Shell. Thank you.”

Shell: “Now. Isn’t it a beautiful room, Rude?”

Rude: “Of course, Shell.”

Shell: “There you go, Rude. Was that so hard?”

(next to twilight and opal…)

Opal: “Wow! Isn’t this exciting, Twilight? I’ve never been on a boat like this before!”

Twilight: *staring at the back of the door* “Too much reading!”

Opal: “Oh, that’s just the evacuation route in case of an emergency.”

Twilight: “Great! So they put that in words so people like me go down with the ship! That’s discrimination!”

Opal: “Ooh! There’s a balcony!”

Twilight: *whines* “Opal! You’re not concerned! Be concerned!”

(meanwhile, to irvine and reno…)

Reno: “Dude, this is pretty sweet. There’s plenty of room in here for both of us.”

Irvine: “And all the chicks we’re gonna pick up!”

Reno: “Damn straight!” *high five*

(meanwhile, to Ashley and seifer)

Ashley: “Wow! Would you look at this room?! And it’s all free!”

Seifer: “Yeah! Let’s take stuff out of the mini-bar!”

Ashley: “No, Seifer! I’m not sure if that stuff is free. This is Rufus and Algus we’re talking about here.”

Seifer: *looking at it* “They want 8 dollars for a Twix bar!”

Ashley: “Talk about raping you up the—“

Seifer: “Asking 5 dollars for a can of soda?! That’s nutso!”

Ashley: “You’re nutso for even reading the prices. Now get away from there. I don’t care if you’re locked in the room for days – I’d rather you eat your own hair than touch that mini-bar.”

Seifer: “Not even the peanuts? They’re only 4 dollars…”

Ashley: “I said get away!”

(meanwhile, to edgar and setzer)

Edgar: “You like sleeping on the pull out couch…that is the weakest cover yet! No one likes sleeping on a pull out couch!”

Setzer: “Well what did you want me to say? They were getting suspicious!”

Edgar: “Do I have to write everything down in advance for you?”

Setzer: “You’re no better than I am at covering it up! You’re worse, if anything!” *annoyed sigh* “Can’t we just drop the act, Eddie? It’s been *years*. I don’t think anyone would care.”

Edgar: “Absolutely not! We had an agreement! You can’t back out on me now!”

Setzer: *shakes his head sadly and goes out on the balcony*

(meanwhile, lloyd enters his room)

Lloyd: “Wow! Look at all this room!!! And I have it all to myself!!! There’s no stupid Dante to bother me or make me do stuff!”

(he runs and jumps onto the bed and lays up looking at the ceiling)

Lloyd: “…I’ve gotta get laid.”

(meanwhile, lark and Brady walk into their room)

Lark: “Wow! This is amazing! And look – there’s a balcony and everything!”

Brady: “Algus is just trying to get me to like him.”

Lark: “Sweetie, I don’t even think he knows you dislike him. I don’t think anyone does. Except me.”

Brady: “Oh.” *pause* “Well this isn’t going to change anything.” *pause* “But it is a nice room. And hey – a mini-bar!”

Lark: “Don’t touch that!”

(and next we go to bryatt, who is putting the key in his door when zidane comes out of the room next door, scowling)

Zidane: “How long have we been here?! Two minutes?! And he already kicked me out of the room so he could take a nap! Real nice! Didn’t ask me if I wanted a nap! And I have to sleep on the pull out couch! The pull out couch! No one likes to sleep on those!”

Bryatt: “I can’t even get in my room. I might have to sleep on the pull out deck chair.”

Zidane: *cracks a grin* “Here, let me help.” *comes and takes the key* “They sprung for the really cheap door closers, of course. So you have to jiggle it a bit.” *inserts card and jiggles the door open* “There ya go.”

Bryatt: “Thanks. It might be pretty useful having you next door, as I’m pretty useless when it comes to my hands.”

Zidane: “Oh, I pretty much doubt that.” *grin*

Bryatt: *jaw drops* “Wow. I just set myself up didn’t I?”

Zidane: *winks* “See you later.”

(he walks off and bryatt watches him go. when he’s gone bryatt shakes his head and goes into his room)

Bryatt: “Ooh – a mini-bar!”

(and now zell and franswa are walking through the door to their room)

Zell: “Man, this is gonna be the coolest trip ever! Rufus was telling me about all the stuff on this ship – want me to tell you about it?”

Franswa: “Sure.”

Zell: “…Really?”

Franswa: “Yeah.”

Zell: *blink blink* “Squall never wants to hear what I have to say.”

Franswa: “Why not?”

Zell: “I don’t know. He never said.”

Franswa: “Well I wanna hear it – but first we should probably put our stuff down.”

(so they go into the room and put their stuff down. on the same bed)

Both: “Uh…”

Franswa: “That’s okay. You can have it.”

Zell: “No you take it! I’ll take the other one.”

Franswa: “No, it’s fine. I’ll move.”

Zell: “I’ve got it.” *throws his stuff to the other bed before franswa can react*

Franswa: “…Okay then.” *opens suitcase* “So let me hear all about it.”

(meanwhile, rufus has a baby carrier on his arm with mr. jingles inside. he’s trying to balance that on his arm and get his door open at the same time. that’s when elena comes up, room key in hand)

Rufus: “Dammit, Mr. Jingles. Can’t you ever stand on your own two feet? Why do I buy you all those shoes?”

Elena: “Hi, Rufus.”

Rufus: “Elena!” *jumps back and the baby carrier crashes to the floor* “Hi!”

Elena: “Did I startle you?”

Rufus: “No.”

Elena: “Oh. …Well, looks like my room is right next door to yours.”

Rufus: “We’re also at the same table at dinner.”

Elena: “I guess I’ll see you at dinner then.” *she goes in her room and shuts the door*

Rufus: *picks up the baby carrier* “Don’t give me that look, Mr. Jingles. You got what you deserved.”

(meanwhile, reeve and tseng are dragging their suitcases to their rooms.)

Tseng: “Why couldn’t we get the porter to help us, Reeve?”

Reeve: “You know I never know what to tip!”

Tseng: “You have a disorder, you know that?”

Reeve: *opening the door* “Just relax. I think you really need this vacation.”

Tseng: “What does that mean?”

Reeve: *turns to him* “It means to calm down! And stop snapping at me.”

Tseng: “Sorry, Reeve. Sorry. It’s just… Well… You know I—“

(and then who comes up with their bags? why it’s treize and zechs! and they stop at the room right next door)

Treize: “Well, well, well! Look who we have here! Fancy seeing you on this cruise.”

Zechs: “Did you pay a fortune like we did?”

Treize: “Now, Zechs. This is money well spent! There’s nothing more relaxing than sailing in the open sea. A boat is a noble vehicle with many uses – both for pleasure and military. For you see, in war—“

Zechs: “Treize, go in the room or I’ll hit you over the head with my suitcase.”

Treize: “Impatient as always, my dear. Very well. We’ll be seeing you later, I’m sure.”

Zechs: “I hope so.” *grins*

(he and treize go in their room. reeve and tseng turn to one another, jaws dropped)

Tseng: “Tell me this isn’t happening.”

Reeve: “I wish I could.”

(and finally we have sephiroth. he is in his suite and goes out onto the balcony, breathing in the fresh air deeply)

Sephiroth: “Ah… Some peace and quiet.”

?????: “Not if these walls are as thin as I think they are.”

(sephiroth turns to see dante standing on the balcony right next to him. he grins at sephiroth)

Sephiroth: “You?! Your room is right next to mine?!”

Dante: “Looks like it. Lucky you! I plan on spending a lot of time sunbathing out here. Naked. Don’t worry about staring. I expect it.”

Sephiroth: “I’d only stare at your naked body if I wanted to go blind.”

Dante: “Yeah… I’m almost too much for mortal eyes.”

Sephiroth: “Grrr…”

Dante: “See you later!”

(dante goes inside.)

Sephiroth: “I don’t believe this.”

(he then turns the other way and who’s on the other balcony? vincent!)

Vincent: “Hello.”

Sephiroth: “Ack! What the hell are you doing there?”

Vincent: “I’m enjoying the scenery from my balcony.”

Sephiroth: “That’s your room?”

Vincent: “Yes.”

Sephiroth: *hand to his forehead* “I can’t catch a break! I’m on my own boat and I can’t catch a break!”

Vincent: “It’s quite a lovely boat. You must be proud of it.”

Sephiroth: “I’m proud of the amount of money I weaseled out of spending on it, yeah.”

Vincent: “That’s just like you, angel.”

Sephiroth: *clears throat loudly*

Vincent: “Er…Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “Don’t fall into old habits.”

(and with that he goes back inside his room, slamming the door behind him.)



(meanwhile, the losers arrive at their three rooms.)

Hojo: “Well, here we are.”

Kuja: “I am loving this boat already.”

Seymour: “Sea salt is so good for your skin.”

Kuja: “In your case I would just stick your head in the ocean and hold it under.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I smuggled Stinky in my suitcase!”

Nida: “Gross, lardo!”

Scarlet: *is wearing a huge hat* “Glad I’m wearing my hat. The sun is really strong today. Don’t wanna damage it.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! It’s the only part that’s not fake!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, Heidegger!”

Hojo: “Well, since there are six of us and three rooms, I suppose we should go two to a room.”

Nida: “That means someone has to share with Heidegger!”

(everyone looks at one another and then they all look at heidegger)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Who’s feeling unlucky?”

(nida quickly stands next to scarlet and kuja stands next to hojo. that leaves seymour alone)

Seymour: “Omg, no way. You cannot do this to me.”

Kuja: “Sorry, but I hear the gift shop is full of jewelry. I can’t blow a great opportunity.”

Nida: “I claimed Scarlet already!”

Seymour: “Fine with me. That hairspray she uses gives me a rash.”

Scarlet: “That’s just your face.”

Kuja: “Ooh! Nice one!”

Scarlet: “Thank you.”

Hojo: “Well I wouldn’t mind being in a room for three.” *grin*

Nida: “Ew! My virgin ears, you old creep!”

Kuja: “Um…I don’t think so.”

Seymour: “Please, Kuja! You cannot leave me with him! Look at him! Just look at him!”

Heidegger: “I’m totally repulsive! Gya haa haa!”

Kuja: *huge sigh* “Fine. On one condition. You agree to let me make you over for the whole trip. None of this overuse of hair gel you’re constantly doing to yourself.”

Seymour: *hesitates*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I shouldn’t have had those beans!”

Seymour: “Fine! Fine! I’ll do whatever you want! Just get me away from him!”

Hojo: “So it’s settled then.” *he hands out the room keys* “Enjoy!”

(hojo, kuja, seymour, scarlet and nida all disappear into their various rooms. heidegger opens his suitcase and stinky’s head pops out)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I have to bring my own friends!”

Stinky: *snort*



(later that night, after dark, everyone is on deck as the boat is about to set sail. there’s a band playing and everyone is partying. reno goes up to the bar. the bartender is a smallish young looking guy with blonde hair pulled back in a braid. one of his arms is also made of metal.)

Reno: “Hey…” *reads name tag* “Ed. What’s up? I’m Reno. You’re going to be seeing a lot of me.”

Ed: “Uh huh. What can I get you?”

Reno: “How about a Jack and Cola?”

Ed: “You got it.”

(he claps his hands, puts them down and in a flash the fully made drink just appears in front of reno. he just gawks at it)

Reno: “…What the hell?!”

Ed: “You gonna drink it or stare at it?”

Reno: “I’m gonna drink it!” *tastes it* “Wow! This is great! How did you do that?”

Ed: “Alchemy.”

Reno: “The what now?”

Ed: “Never mind.”

Reno: “How much do I owe ya?”

Ed: “Nothing.”

Reno: “Nothing?”

Ed: “This is a cruise. Everything’s already paid for.”

(reno’s eyes get wider and wider. then he turns around and shouts into the crowd)

Reno: “Irvine!! Get over here! The booze is *free*!”

(meanwhile, rufus and elena are talking by the railing)

Rufus: “Do you like your room?”

Elena: “It’s great! This whole ship is beautiful! Thanks for inviting me.”

Rufus: “Of course! I wouldn’t have it any other way.” *pause* “Elena, I was wondering, would you like to have a drink with me after dinner tonight?”

Elena: *blushes* “I would love to.”

(then tseng comes over and shoves himself between them)

Tseng: “Hey, you guys! Nice ship, Rufus! Really nice. Must be making some good money.”

Elena: “Tseng! Where’s Reeve?”

Tseng: “Reeve? Oh. I guess I lost him in the crowd. Oh – Rufus – did you know Treize and Zechs are on board?”

Rufus: “No.”

Tseng: “Well they are. I don’t know if you were planning on having karaoke night, but if you are, I’d avoid it.”

(then bryatt and reeve come over. reeve is frowning)

Reeve: “Tseng! There you are! Thanks for running off!”

Tseng: “Sorry. I thought you were behind me.”

Bryatt: “Hey, Rufus. Nice ship. Thanks for the ticket.”

Rufus: “No problem. Have a good time. Get yourself a free drink.”

Bryatt: *blink blink* “I’m sorry. Did you say free drink?”

Rufus: “Of course. Everything’s free. This is an all inclusive cruise.”

Bryatt: “So all the booze is free.”

Rufus: “Yeah. Except the mini-bar. The mini-bar is *not* free.”

Bryatt: “And you still let Irvine and Reno on board?”

Rufus: *laughs* “Bryatt my friend, everyone else here is paying up the ass to be here. Don’t worry. I’m going to sleep well tonight.”

(then reno and irvine come over. they each have a drink in each hand)

Irvine: “Rufus, I just have to say this – you are a GOD.”

Rufus: *smiles* “I probably should share the glory with my fellow club members, but yes, I know.”

Reno: “Dude! Free drinks! *Free*! And the bartender is some kind of magician! This rules!”

Bryatt: “I’ve gotta get myself a drink. Coming, Tseng?”

Tseng: “Well—“

Reeve: “He’s coming.”

(and with that reeve drags tseng away and they follow bryatt to the bar where zidane is. he’s hanging over the edge of the bar trying to see inside)

Zidane: “How the hell are you doing that?”

Ed: “Don’t lean over the bar.”

Zidane: “Hey, it’s cool. My master is part owner of this thing.”

Ed: “What?”

Zidane: “Hey, Bryatt! We meet again. Hey, Tseng. Hey, Reeve.”

Bryatt: “Hey there! Nice vacation, huh? I’ll go anywhere where the drinks are free.”

Zidane: “I’ll be sure and remember that.”

Ed: “What can I get for you guys?”

Bryatt: “I’ll have a Mai Tai. And yes, I’m gay.”

Tseng: “Just a beer for me.”

Reeve: “Me too.”

(and one again the drinks just pop out of nowhere after ed claps and puts his hands down)

Bryatt: “Wow.”

Tseng: “Whoa.”

Reeve: “That is amazing! How are you doing that?”

Ed: “Alchemy.”

Reeve: “Really?! That is *fascinating*. You know I’ve read numerous books on alchemy and—“

Tseng: “Reeve, leave the poor bartender alone.”

(tseng drags reeve off. meanwhile, lark is over by the railing by herself when sephiroth comes over)

Sephiroth: “What happened to your dead weight?”

Lark: “If you’re referring to Brady he’s getting me a drink.”

Brady’s voice: “Omg! That’s alchemy! Omg! Omg!”

Lark: “…But it sounds like he’ll be gone awhile. What’s up?”

Sephiroth: “What’s up? What’s up is I sunk tons of my own money into this ship and yet I wind up with a room in an ex-boyfriend sandwich! How is that possible?”

Lark: “Move your room if you’re not happy with it.”

Sephiroth: “Too late now. It’s a full ship.” *sigh* “I just can’t win.”

Lark: “They won’t bother you.”

Sephiroth: “Won’t bother me?! Dante already said he plans to sunbathe naked on the balcony!”

Lark: “Really?!”

Sephiroth: “Lark!”

Lark: “Sorry. It was a reflex. Look, Sephy. Relax. You’re on vacation. Don’t let it get to you.”

Sephiroth: “You wanna hang out with me tonight?”

Lark: “Brady and I were going to go dancing. But maybe we’ll run into each other.”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “Yeah. Maybe.”

(then Brady returns, a drink in each hand)

Brady: “Baby – do you know who the bartender is? Do you *know* who the bartender is?! I’ll give you one hint – he’s totally awesome.”

Sephiroth: *shakes his head and walks away*

(then the whistle of the ship blows and it slowly starts to pull away from the pier)

Brady: “What was his deal?”

Lark: “You know Sephiroth. He always has something to complain about.”

Brady: “Even on vacation?”

Lark: “Oh, babe. You still have a lot of learn.”



(next the gang all goes to dinner and they are seated at three tables. at the first table is rufus, algus, elena, edgar, setzer, reeve, tseng, laguna, squall and rinoa. at the next table is lark, Brady, shell, rude, Ashley, seifer, twilight, opal, reno and irvine. and at the last table is zell, franswa, alucard, dante, lloyd, bryatt, zidane, vincent, auron and an empty seat. the tables are all quite close together so they can all pretty much hear one another’s conversations if they want to. sephiroth arrives, looks at all the tables and then frowns at the empty seat that is obviously for him)

Sephiroth: “Why am I at the gay pride table?”

Rufus: “I sat you with your friends.”

Sephiroth: “My friends!? Then why didn’t you sit me with Lark?”

Rufus: “Lark’s table was full.”

Sephiroth: “Grrr…” *plops down in his chair looking quite unhappy*

(then a chipper looking blonde guy comes over with menus

Waiter: “Hi!! I’m Majic, and I’ll be your waiter!”

Zell: “Magic? M-A-G-I-C? Cool name!”

Majic: “It’s actually spelled M-A-J-I-C.”

Zell: “Oh. Well that’s even cooler!”

Majic: “And this is my assistant waiter, Alphonse.”

(everyone looks up at alphonse, who happens to be a 7 foot suit of armor. we’ll just call him al for short)

Al: “Hello!”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Zidane: “Aren’t you hot in there, man?”

Al: “Uh…”

Majic: “Here are your menus!” *hands them out* “I’ll be back in a few minutes!”

(they leave. everyone looks at their menus. then the losers enter and are seated at a table nearby)

Lark: “Hey! What the hell are the losers doing here?!”

Hojo: “I won an eBay auction!”

Lark: “Rufus!”

Rufus: “What? Algus was in charge of the auction!”

Lark: “Algus!”

Algus: “I plead misinformation.”

Shell: “It’s a huge ship anyway, sis. You won’t even notice them.”

Lark: “I guess you’re right.” *pause* “Although I can smell Heidegger from here!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! My cologne is old cheese!”

Reno: “Hey, Rufus! Can you explain the different bars?”

Rufus: “Why certainly! The ship has 4 bars. The Esmereldon Queen is a tiki type bar which will have dancing later on tonight, Gil is a more modern place that features dancing on a revolving dance floor—“

Reeve: “You named your club after money?”

Rufus: “It’s my favorite thing! Why not?”

Reeve: *shakes his head*

Rufus: “Anyway, there’s also The Disco Room, featuring karaoke nights and finally we have the Royal Parlor, which is your standard upscale gentlemen’s club. I’m sure we won’t be seeing you there, Reno.”

Algus: “But you’ll be seeing plenty of me.”

Zidane: *pretends to gag*

Shell: “Don’t forget the ship’s spa! It even has a hair salon and also does manicures and pedicures!”

Setzer: “And there’s a fantastic casino that I designed.”

Edgar: “There are also two pools and a set of whirlpools.”

Sephiroth: “And a library and an arcade.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! And shuffleboard!” *puts an arm around squall* “We can play it together, son!”

Squall: “Whatever. Kill me.”

Majic: *comes back over* “Okay! Are you ready to order?”

Twilight: “I have a problem with the menu! I can’t read it!”

Opal: “Oh, Twilight.”

Twilight: “What? I can’t!”

Ashley: “I think we’re going to need a few more minutes.”

(everyone actually starts to read the menu. well, except twilight. opal reads it to him. zell puts his menu down after a moment)

Zell: “I know what I want! So what do you want to do tonight, Franswa?”

Franswa: *reading the menu* “Wow…the use of spices on here is very creative.”

Zell: “Franswa?”

Franswa: “Oh. Uh, I don’t care. Whatever you want is fine.”

Zidane: “I know what I wanna do! And yes – booze is involved.”

Sephiroth: “Big surprise.”

Dante: “I’m having a hard time deciding which dance club to hit up later.”

Sephiroth: “Just remember to keep your clothes *on*.”

Dante: *grins* “No promises.”

Lloyd: “You’re gross, Dante!”

Dante: “Stop being jealous, Lloyd.”

Lloyd: “My name is Vergil, you stupid ass! And I’m not jealous!”

Alucard: *sigh* “I’m just relieved that I’m on vacation and dad has no way of reaching me.”

Sephiroth: “You didn’t bring your cell phone?”

Alucard: “…………………..”

Sephiroth: “That’s what I thought.”

Auron: “I think I’m going to take a nice stroll around the deck after dinner. Care to join me, Vincent?”

Vincent: “…Perhaps.”

Auron: *frowns*

Bryatt: “I said I’d be wherever the booze is free, and since that’s everywhere I’m feeling conflicted.”

Zidane: “Well in case anyone was wondering, I’ll be at Gil. That place sounds cool.”

Sephiroth: “No one was wondering.”

Bryatt: “I was.” *grins at zidane* “I’ll see you there.”

(at the next table)

Twilight: “Opal, I’m going to need quarters.”

Opal: “Why?”

Twilight: “Because I’m going to go to the arcade after dinner and kick ass! I hope they have one of those Star Wars games because I rock at them all!”

Opal: “Twilight! The arcade will probably be full of little kids!”

Twilight: “Great! Then they’ll be easy to beat!”

Lark: “I’m going to go dancing.”

Ashley: “Same here.”

Shell: “Rude’s going to go gambling, aren’t you, Rude?”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Irvine: “I’m gonna get drunk and find a hot chick!”

Reno: “Same here. And if the night is still young, I’ll do it again!”

Irvine: “Damn right!” *high five*

Rufus: “Reno! No high fiving in my classy ship’s restaurant.”

(then majic comes back over and takes everybody’s order. a short time later the food arrives and everybody digs in)

Franswa: “The presentation is great.” *tastes it* “Wow. I’m impressed.”

Elena: “Where’d you find the chef, Rufus?”

Rufus: *shrugs* “Newspaper ad. He’s over there.”

(he points to the kitchen where there is a guy with black hair wearing gloves. every time he snaps his fingers fire appears)

Brady: “Omg! It’s Roy Mustang!”

Reno: “Roy Mustang? That sounds like the name of a porno actor.”

Rinoa: “He’s creating fire out of nowhere! And I don’t think he’s using magic!”

Twilight: “Big deal! I could do that with the Force!”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Reeve: “I believe he’s using alchemy, just like the bartender was.”

Tseng: *could not be more bored* “Uh huh.”

(meanwhile, dinner ends and the plates are being taken away. algus is watching al curiously)

Algus: “Rufus, who is that robot you hired?”

Setzer: “I don’t think he’s a robot.”

Rufus: “I don’t know, he came with the chef and the bartender. They filled my one major qualification.”

Tseng: “They’ll work for cheap?”

Rufus: “Exactly! Wow, Tseng! You’re really learning!”

Tseng: *beams*

(everyone gets up and starts to go their separate ways. rufus catches up to elena)

Rufus: “So how about that drink?”

Elena: “Sure!”

Rufus: “Where would you like to go?”

Elena: “It’s your ship – you would know best.”

Rufus: “Okay then.” *offers his arm* “Follow me.”



(and so everyone goes to find entertainment after dinner. first we go to the casino where setzer and edgar stand in the doorway. setzer is taking it all in, wide eyed)

Setzer: “It’s even better than I imagined.”

Edgar: “Please do not gamble away all the money we just made back.”

Setzer: “What should I play first, Eddie? Poker? Blackjack? Craps? Roulette? Or should I just hit the slots?”

Edgar: “How about the nickel slots?”

Setzer: “The nickel slots? They never give a big payout! I know – I’ll just stick to the dollar machines for now. Gotta ease myself back into it!” *he runs off*

Edgar: *big sigh* “Whole dollars? Setzer, can’t you at least start with quarters?”



(meanwhile, twilight has found the arcade, which is huge and full of games…and children)

Twilight: “Awesome! Check out this action, Opal! I could play here all night!”

Opal: “Don’t you want to dance with me at all, Twilight?”

Twilight: *puts hand out* “Give me money.”

Opal: *sighs and hands him some quarters*

Twilight: “Pod racers? Those things suck! Watch me master them, Opal!” *dashes off*

Opal: *sighs and follows*



(meanwhile, it seems most of the gang has decided to hang out at Gil. Squall runs in, dragging rinoa by the hand and looking around)

Squall: “Good. There are a lot of people here so he probably won’t find us.”

Rinoa: “Squall! You’re hurting my hand!”

Squall: “Sorry.” *drops her hand* “I think we’re safe.”

??????: “Hey hey, son! There you are!”

Squall: *hand to head* “Oh god.”

(they both look to where laguna is standing on the bar)

Laguna: “Party up, dudes! Whoo hoo!”

(he then jumps into the crowd, and he body surfs to the other end of the dance floor)

Squall: *hand still to his head* “I spoke too soon.”

(meanwhile, sephiroth is standing by the bar pouting while bryatt stands nearby, waiting to order his drink)

Bryatt: “What are you sulking about?”

Sephiroth: “Nothing.”

Bryatt: “I’m sure if you tried you could pick somebody up in this crowd.”

Sephiroth: “I’m not looking to pick somebody up.”

Bryatt: “You were a couple of weeks ago when you were going after me.”

Sephiroth: “We all have our moments of stupidity.”

Bryatt: “Oh, thanks. Well I never would have went for you anyway. You’re not my type.”

Sephiroth: “Why does everybody have a type?”

Bryatt: “Of course. And unfortunately for some people, that ‘type’ they keep going for is the wrong kind for them.”

Sephiroth: “Like Alucard. He goes for jerks.”

(he gestures across the floor to where alucard and dante are dancing. the way dante is dancing makes it quite obvious that he wants all eyes on him)

Sephiroth: “Look at him. He’s such a jerk.”

Bryatt: “Well, not all jerks are created equal.” *pause* “*Wow*, that guy can dance.”

(then zidane comes over)

Zidane: “Hey! I’ve been looking for you!”

Bryatt: “Nice to know I’m wanted.”

Zidane: “You know it – trying to get a drink?”

Bryatt: “Yup. *Trying* being the operative word.”

Zidane: “I’ve got it! What do you want?”

Bryatt: “Just a beer. I’m not feeling exotic right now.”

Zidane: “I hope to change that.” *grins and leans across the bar* “Hey, Ed! Can I get a beer for my friend here?”

(Ed claps and puts his hands down. a beer appears. he slides it down the bar towards zidane)

Zidane: “Awesome. You rock, Ed!” *takes it and hands it to bryatt* “All set.”

Bryatt: “Thanks. You’re pretty handy.”

Zidane: “I am in alotta ways.”

(bryatt and zidane walk off. sephiroth rolls his eyes as tseng comes over)

Tseng: “Hey.”

Sephiroth: “Hey yourself! Now you decide to talk to me?”

Tseng: “You could have come over and talked to me!”

Sephiroth: “That’s not how I operate! Where’s Reeve?”

Tseng: “Mr. smarty pants is in the library. He said he’d be by later. Have you seen Rufus and Elena?”

Sephiroth: “No. And the less I see of Rufus the better.”

Tseng: “He is obviously hitting on her and everyone acts like I’m crazy for thinking so.”

Sephiroth: “Who cares?”

Tseng: “Who cares!? Elena is the mother of my child! I don’t want her to be with Rufus! He’s awful! Plus he can’t date his employee!”

Sephiroth: “Is it a law at Shinra that you can’t sleep with your subordinates? Because if it is I think we broke that law. Many, many times.”

Tseng: “It’s not a *law*, but it is frowned upon.”

Sephiroth: “I think most of the stuff you used to do was ‘frowned upon’.”

Tseng: *frowns* “Well this is different! Rufus shouldn’t be doing this!”

Sephiroth: “Why? ‘Cause you don’t like it?”

Tseng: “This is why I don’t talk to you!”

(he walks away. sephiroth just rolls his eyes again.)



(meanwhile, outside, vincent and auron are walking around the deck)

Auron: “It’s nice out here. Peaceful.”

Vincent: “…………”

Auron: “What is wrong with you lately, Vincent? I feel like you’re pulling away from me.”

Vincent: “…I’m sorry. I just…have a lot on my mind.”

Auron: “You know I’m always here to listen to you. It’s healthy to share your thoughts.”

Vincent: “…………”

Auron: “It hurts me to see you like this.” *he stops walking while vincent walks a few paces more before stopping* “You know how I feel about you.”

Vincent: *hangs his head and says softly* “I know.”



(meanwhile, back in the casino, setzer is walking with edgar. he has a bucket full of coins)

Setzer: “Look at everything I won!”

Edgar: “How much did you lose?”

Setzer: “It’s part of the fun, Eddie!”

Edgar: “I don’t understand how losing money is fun.”

(they stop by the poker table where rude is seated. shell is hanging over his shoulder. the dealers’ name tag says spike.)

Spike: “House has…” *flips cards over* “2 pairs – a pair of twos and a pair of Jacks.”

(everyone else grumbles except rude. he happily places his cards down)

Rude: “Straight.”

Spike: “You win. *Again*.”

Shell: “Yay!!” *hugs rude around the neck* “You’re the best, Rude!”

Rude: “…Thanks, Shell…but you’re choking me.”

(setzer’s eyes get wide again and he grins. edgar notices all of this.)

Edgar: “Setzer…”

Setzer: “Hey, Rude. You know there’s a big poker tournament at the end of the week. There’s a huge pot – 20 million gil. I hope to see you there.”

Rude: *blink blink* “20 million gil?”

Shell: “You’ll bet he’ll be there! He’ll be there with bells on!”

Rude: “…I don’t want to wear bells, Shell.”

Shell: “It was a figure of speech, Rude.”

(edgar and setzer walk away. setzer is all smiles)

Edgar: “Setzer – why did you do that?! He’s obviously good!”

Setzer: “It’s no fun if there’s no competition, Eddie! Now let’s go get a drink.”

Edgar: *sigh*



(meanwhile, back at gil, dante and alucard have retreated to a booth for the time being and are watching lloyd on the dance floor. he is jumping around in a circle, swinging his shirt over his head)

Lloyd: “Everybody party!! Whoo hoo!!”

Laguna: “Yeah! I can dig it!”

Dante: “Lame.”

Alucard: “And he’s *older* than you, right?”

Dante: “Yeah. Isn’t that scary? If you look up sad and pathetic in the dictionary, you’ll see his face there. Under both. If his face didn’t break the camera first.”

(meanwhile, across the club, zidane and bryatt are sitting in a booth together, obviously flirting, when tseng comes over and slides in next to bryatt)

Bryatt: “Thanks for inviting yourself.”

Tseng: “What – you wouldn’t tell me no.”

Bryatt: “It’s still nice to ask. Where’s Reeve?”

Tseng: “I don’t know, reading, or something. Have you seen Rufus and Elena?”

Zidane: “Nope. Why?”

Tseng: “Because I think they’re going to start dating! If they’re not already!”

Bryatt: *sarcastically* “Well then stop the presses!” *pause* “Tseng, who cares?”

Tseng: “I care! She has a daughter – my daughter! She can’t be whoring around with Rufus!”

Bryatt: “Elena? Whoring around? Tseng, you invented whoring around.”

Zidane: “Besides, Rufus ain’t so bad. Have you seen Algus?”

Bryatt: “Ain’t ain’t a word ‘cause it ain’t in the dictionary.”

Zidane: “Oh, cute. Are you always gonna correct my grammar?”

Bryatt: “Yes. I am always *going to* correct your grammar.”

(they both laugh. tseng sighs in annoyance, slides out of the both and leaves.)

Zidane: “What’s with him?”

Bryatt: “He’s just over reacting to nothing. Just let him vent and he’ll get over it.”

Zidane: “He used to be so cool. Now he just mopes around and is angry a lot.”

Bryatt: “Yeah. That’s Tseng for you.”



(speaking of elena and rufus, they’re sitting at the tiki bar, each with a drink in front of them. slow music is playing and people are dancing on the dance floor.)

Elena: “…You know it’s funny. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. And now that I am I realize just how rewarding it is. Lily’s not even a year old yet but I learn so much from her every day.” *shakes head* “I can’t even explain it.”

Rufus: “I can imagine. I always wanted to be a dad. And then when I finally was I messed it up. And by the time someone pointed out my mistakes it was over. …I blew it.”

Elena: “It’s not too late for you, Rufus.”

(they both smile at each other and then look away. rufus starts to stir his drink, looking nervous)

Rufus: “You know, Elena, I wanted to apologize…”

Elena: “For what?”

Rufus: “…For that time we kissed in my office.”

Elena: *blushes* “It takes two to kiss, Rufus.” *pause* “Besides… I really liked it.”

Rufus: *looks at her* “…So did I.” *pause* “…I’ve been fighting it. It’s just…it’s not appropriate.”

Elena: “Fighting what?”

Rufus: “…My feelings for you.”

Elena: “Why isn’t it appropriate?”

Rufus: “Isn’t it obvious? I’m your boss!”

Elena: “So what? It’s not like I want a promotion.”

Rufus: “I know, but…”

Elena: “Is this because of Tseng?”

Rufus: “…He could kick my ass.”

Elena: “Rufus! You’re afraid of Tseng!?”

Rufus: “I’m not afraid of him!” *pause* “…Much.” *pause* “Okay, remember what he did to my hair that time?”

Elena: “He can’t say anything! He has no right to! Just because we have a child together doesn’t mean he can control my life! That whole idea is ridiculous!”

Rufus: “Then why does he obviously have a problem with it?”

Elena: “I don’t know.” *puts a hand on his arm* “But don’t let him stand in your way. I have let my feelings for him rule my life for long enough. I’m over him now. Rufus, I…”

(but before she can finish, rufus leans over and kisses her. and as they part, they’re both smiling)

Rufus: “…You wanna get out of here?”

Elena: “I’d love to.”



(meanwhile, back to Gil…alucard and dante are still hanging out in their booth)

Dante: “Look at Sephiroth mope around. He looks like a lost puppy dog.”

Alucard: “I don’t think you’re too far off.”

(then tseng comes over and slides into the booth with them)

Tseng: “Hey. I hope I’m not intruding on you guys.”

Dante: “No! The more the merrier. Well, when it comes to anyone who isn’t Lloyd.”

Lloyd’s voice: *from across the room* “I heard that, Dante! My name is Vergil, you jackbutt!”

Tseng: “What did he just call you?”

Dante: “It’s best not to think about it.”

Alucard: “What do you think of the cruise so far?”

Tseng: “It’s okay.”

Alucard: “You seem tense.”

Tseng: “I just think my boss is steps away from having sex with my baby’s mother.”

Dante: “That sounds like a Jerry Springer episode.”

Tseng: “I just…don’t want to see him with her.”

Alucard: “I know it’s difficult, but sometimes you just have to accept things as they are.”

Dante: “You need a drink. I’ll get you one.”

Alucard: “The bar is totally mobbed. It’s going to take you 10 minutes to get anything.”

Dante: “Al… You underestimate me.”

(dante gets up, goes over to the bar and in 2 seconds comes back with a beer that he hands to tseng)

Tseng: “Thanks.”

Dante: “No problem.”

Alucard: “How’d you get that so fast? Did you flirt with the bartender?”

Dante: “The bartender isn’t gay.”

Alucard: “Then how did you get it?”

Dante: “Because I’m just amazingly good looking. Just because he’s straight doesn’t mean he’s blind.”

Alucard: *smiles and shakes his head*

Dante: “Anyway, Tseng, I’ve got good news for you. Word at the club is the General is looking to expand. Plus I think Chris is almost at his goal, so he’ll be off to Europe soon.”

Tseng: “How do you know that?”

Dante: “It might be the huge ‘Money I Need To Earn Before I Go To Europe’ poster he tacked to the wall of my living room. He’s almost filled the line up to the picture of the Eiffel Tower he drew at the top.”

Tseng: “So what does that mean?”

Dante: “That means he works like five shifts. So add that plus the expansion and bam – the club’s gonna need more dancers.”

Tseng: *eyes widen* “Really?”

Dante: “Really. See! That put you in a better mood.” *grins* “And you know what would put you in an even *better* mood? Trying out some of your dance moves on the bar!” *jumps up* “Yo, DJ! Let me hear some Jay-Z!”

(with that he grabs the hand of a stunned tseng and drags him into the crowd. the dj was apparently listening to dante, because some Jay-Z music comes on. dante and tseng get up on the bar and start dancing. everyone around takes notice)

Zidane: “I’ve gotta get in on that!” *runs off*

Bryatt: “Go ahead! I’ll be watching!”


Irvine: “Dude! I could do that!” *runs off*

Reno: “Irvine!”

(and so dante, irvine, zidane and tseng are up there dancing. lark, Ashley, seifer and Brady are watching from their booth)

Ashley: “Why can’t you do that, Seifer?”

Seifer: “I could! I just…don’t want to.”

Lark: “Now this is the kind of entertainment I expect on vacation!”

Brady: “Lark!”

Lark: “Sorry…reflex.”

(then shell comes over with rude)

Shell: “What did I miss?”

Ashley: “You just showed up for the best part.” *points to the bar*

Shell: *shouts* “Take it off, Irvine!”

Rude: “Shell.”

Shell: “What? Oh, sorry, Rude. I couldn’t resist. Rude won me money at poker!”

Rude: “Keep your voice down. I don’t want Rufus to know.”

Lark: *laughs*

Shell: “What’s so funny?”

Lark: “Nothing… Lloyd just tried to get up on the bar, but Dante kicked him down.”

Brady: “You girls should go up there.”

Lark: “Brady!”

Brady: “What? They’re not stripping. It’s all in good fun.”

(the ramble girls look at each other and grin. then they all start heading for the bar.)

Ashley: “Where’s crackwhore? She’s used to dancing on bars.”

(and so they find rinoa and all four girls get up on the bar dancing. the whole club is just having a great time, except for sephiroth. he’s standing by the exit, still pouting, looking at lark)

Sephiroth: *mutters* “What’s this supposed to be? Some kind of sick display of what I can’t have?”

(he leaves the place in a huff, nearly ramming into vincent)

Sephiroth: “Watch it!”

Vincent: “Sorry… Anything interesting going on in there?”

Sephiroth: “Not unless you’re interested a meat market. Where’s your sarcophagus of a boyfriend?”

Vincent: “He went to bed.”

Sephiroth: “And you’re out prowling for some action? That’s love.”

(and with that he turns and walks away)

Vincent: *softly* “No it isn’t.”



(meanwhile, back in rufus’ room, rufus and elena lay in bed together, staring up at the ceiling, their clothes scattered around the room.)

Rufus: “It’s best if we just keep this private for now.”

Elena: “Right. It’s nobody’s business but ours. We’re just…uh…”

Rufus: “Seeing what happens.”

Elena: “Right. We’re just seeing what happens.”

(rufus looks at her and she smiles at him. they both come together and start kissing again)







This entry was posted in The Final Stretch and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to #182 – Sailing For Adventure (part one)

  1. Aruu says:

    Ahh, the Fullmetal Alchemist characters! I could have sworn I’d read most of the rambles, but this must have been one of the ones that I missed.

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