#180 – The [Bleep-ing] Awesome Adventures of Briter Bran

Tinker Shell: “I’m not a pixie. I’m a fairy. Pixies are whores.”

Originally Published: 7/15/06 . 41 pages

Lark has a dream that the ramble gang are characters in Peter Pan.

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

This is the last of the parodies that I did for the regular rambles, and I quite enjoy it. Peter Pan really is a jerk and so I thought it would be funny to portray him as a cursing jackass. You might notice a little continuity error here – Larky can’t understand Tinker Shell in the real world, but when they get to Neverland she suddenly can. That’s easily explained because clearly she can understand the fairy in the magical Neverland. Because I said so. I can’t go ahead and say this is my favorite parody I ever did, but I really enjoy the way it came out.

(lark is in the tv room all by herself. She’s going through the videos.)

Lark: “Wow. I haven’t seen some of these movies in a long time. Robin Hood… A Christmas Carol… Ooh! Peter Pan! I haven’t seen this in forever.”

(so she takes it out, goes over to the vcr, pops it in and begins to watch…)

Lark: “Wow, this is a lot more boring than I remember it being.” *yawns*

(and so she is soon asleep…dream lines!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~we open in a room that looks like it’s out of the victorian era. There are three beds in the room and three kids. The oldest looks like lark. The second oldest looks like reeve, complete with glasses. And the youngest, who is holding onto a teddy bear, looks like rufus. They are all playing with a dog that looks like interceptor. Then two adults, one who looks like scarlet and one who looks like shadow, complete with mask, enter)

Mother: *looks like scarlet* “All right, kids! We’re going out! You know what that means! Time for bed!”

Larky: *looks like lark* “Are you leaving a sitter with us?”

Mother: “No, we think it’s a good idea just to leave you with the dog. Right, Intra?”

Intra: *looks like interceptor and barks happily*

Father: *looks like shadow* “Careful. He bites.”

Mother: “That dog makes one hell of a baby sitter. All right! Into bed with you!”

Richael: *looks like rufus* “But I’m not tired!”

Mother: “Too bad! Mommy’s already missed an hour of the open bar!”

Ron: *looks like reeve* “Come on, Richael. Let’s listen to mom and dad now!”

Larky: “Yes! And I’ll tell you more stories about Briter Bran!”

Father: “Stop making up lies, Larky!”

Larky: “They’re not lies, father! Briter Bran is real! Why just the other day he left his shadow behind! I locked it up in my vanity drawer!”

Mother: “Now Larky, mommy told you not to take any of her special pills. Now get into bed.”

Father: “You keep making up lies and I’ll move you out of the nursery.”

Larky: “But father—“

Father: “Now into bed! All of you!”

(the boys climb into bed. Intra jumps around happily and jumps on the father in his happiness)

Father: “Dammit, dog!” *pushes him down* “That’s the last straw! You’re too dangerous to be kept in the house! I’m tying you up outside!”

Children: “No!!!”

Father: “Too bad! Let’s go, Intra!”

(intra cries and protests but the father drags her from the room.)

Mother: “All right, kids, looks like the dog’s not going to watch you after all. I’m glad there’s no such thing as a child abandonment law yet. Have a good night! Larky, you’re in charge.”

(the mother leaves. Larky gets into her bed and turns off the light)

Larky: “Good night, boys!”

(the children are soon asleep. Shortly after the window opens and a small fairy enters. She looks a lot like shell. Then in flies a boy in green who looks an awful lot like Brady)

Briter Bran: “Hey, Tinker Shell – do you know where my [bleep-ing] shadow went?”

Tinker Shell: *shrugs*

Briter Bran: “[Bleep]. All right, well let’s look around for it then!”

(they begin to search the room. Tinker shell goes over to larky’s vanity and starts admiring herself in the mirror. The vanity suddenly starts to shake a bit and tinker shell winds up messing up her hair. She starts to look annoyed and starts to fix it)

Briter Bran: “Good work, skank! You found my shadow!”

Tinker Shell: “Huh? What? Oh. Of course I did.”

Briter Bran: “Now how can I break it out of the drawer?” *thinks a moment* “I know! Fly into the drawer and release it from the inside!”

Tinker Shell: *annoyed sigh* “You make me do everything.”

(and she goes to fly into the little key hole, but she’s too big and can’t fit)

Briter Bran: “[Bleep]! So much for that plan! Let’s just yank it open!”

(he grabs on the drawer and starts to pull on it. Tinker shell hovers nearby and yawns, looking bored.)

Tinker Shell: “These kids must be deep sleepers. You haven’t exactly been quiet.”

Briter Bran: “[Bleep] you!”

(and with that curse the drawer comes flying open and the shadow escapes. Briter bran makes a grab for the shadow but misses. He winds up hitting tinker shell instead and she falls into the drawer. Briter bran then kicks the drawer shut in his haste to fly after the shadow. Tinker shell is now trapped inside and bangs on the wood to be let out. Briter bran chases his shadow all around the room knocking everything over and cursing loudly making a ton of noise. The kids are still asleep. Finally he manages to grab the shadow)

Briter Bran: “Ah ha! Eat it, [bleeeeep]!” *looks around* “Now how can I put this thing on?”

(he goes back over to the vanity and starts looking it over. Tinker shell is still banging on the drawer from the inside. Her muffled cries for help can be heard but he ignores them. Instead he picks a sewing needle off the vanity, shakes his head and drops it. It makes a tiny ping noise as it hits the wood. Larky immediately sits up)

Larky: “What’s that noise?”

Briter Bran: *mumbles* “Yet that she [bleep-ing] hears.”

Larky: *gets out of bed* “Briter Bran! It’s you! Oh my goodness! I can hardly believe it! I saved your shadow for you!”

Briter Bran: “Thanks, bitch. Now maybe you can get this [bleep-ing] thing back on me now.”

Larky: “…Oh. Of course. I’m sure I can sew that right back on for you. Have a seat.”

(briter bran sits on larky’s bed with an arrogant smirk. She gets a needle and thread and kneels at his feet to sew the shadow back on)

Briter Bran: “Ow! That [bleep-ing] hurts! I don’t think you’re supposed to put a needle in somebody’s skin!”

Larky: “I didn’t think it was possible to lose your shadow in the first place!”

Briter Bran: “What are you? Some kind of [bleep-ing] know it all?”

Larky: “No. I don’t know what you and your shadow were doing over here in the first place.”

Briter Bran: “I was listening to your stories!”

Larky: *lights up* “My stories? Really? But they’re all about you!”

Briter Bran: “Of course! Why do you think I listen to them? I’m not gonna come all the way from Neverland to hear you talk about Cinderella or some [bleep].”

Larky: “Oh dear. You sure do use a lot of mother’s favorite words. But anyway, you won’t be able to listen to my stories much longer. Father says he’s going to have me move out of the nursery.” *sigh* “I guess it’s time for me to grow up.”

Briter Bran: “[Bleep] that [bleep]! Growing up sucks! Who the [bleep] had that bright idea?”

Larky: “Um, I believe it’s a part of life.”

Briter Bran: “Not in Neverland it ain’t!”

Larky: “But surely you have parents! Or a mother!”

Briter Bran: “A mother? What’s that?”

Larky: “You don’t know what a mother is? Why she’s the woman who takes care of you. Who loves you and nurtures you and tells you stories. …And mine smells like gin, but I don’t really think that’s part of being a mother.”

Briter Bran: “Nope. Never had one of them.”

Larky: “Well that’s a shame.”

Briter Bran: “Hey, I know! Why don’t you move your sweet ass back to Neverland with me? That way you could tell me stories and be our mother!”

Larky: “’Our’ mother?”

Briter Bran: “Yeah! Me and the lost boy’s!”

Larky: “Well, I don’t know about that, but I *would* like to see Neverland! And the pirates and the mermaid lagoon and the not quite politically correct Indian camp!”

Briter Bran: “[Bleep] yeah! You’ll [bleep-ing] love it in Neverland! And those mermaid’s got great racks!”

Larky: *blink blink* “You mean like a spice rack?”

Briter Bran: “…If that’s what you wanna call them, yeah!”

Larky: “Okay! Let me just wake my brothers! Ron! Richael! Wake up! We’re going to Neverland!”

Briter Bran: “Hey! This was never part of the deal!”

Larky: “Oh, but I couldn’t leave them behind!”

(ron and richael jump out of bed excitedly.)

Both: “Briter Bran! Briter Bran!” *hug him*

Briter Bran: “Heh heh…yeah…Briter Bran…get the hell off me.”

Larky: “How exactly do we get to Neverland?”

Briter Bran: “Up my ass! Geez, do I have to explain everything to you? We fly!”

Ron and Richael: “Cool!”

Larky: “But we can’t fly!”

Briter Bran: “It can’t be that [bleep-ing] hard! Just think happy thoughts and jump into the air!”

Larky: “Like swimming?”

Richael: “And teddy bears?”

Ron: “And naked boys? Er…women?”

Briter Bran: “Whatever floats your boat, kid.”

(they all jump into the air but fall back down)

Larky: “It’s not working!”

Briter Bran: “Oh, [bleep]. That’s right. Tinker Shell! Where are you, you lazy brat?”

Tinker Shell’s voice: *muffled from the drawer* “I’m in *here*, you asshole!”

(larky opens the drawer and tinker shells comes flying out looking pissed)

Briter Bran: “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Tinker Shell: “Are you kidding me? I’ve been screaming at you for ten minutes! Now let’s get the hell out of here!”

Briter Bran: “I’m sorry I’m [bleep-ing] deaf! Now can you help me get these people to fly?”

Tinker Shell: “Hell no.”

Larky: “What did she say?”

Briter Bran: “You can’t understand her?”

Larky: “No.”

Briter Bran: “Oh. I thought everyone spoke fairy. Uh, she said [bleep] yeah I’ll help!”

Tinker Shell: “Screw you! No I didn’t!”

Briter Bran: “I forgot that besides thinking about happy [bleep] you also need a little fairy dust!”

Tinker Shell: “Don’t you even think about it!”

(but briter bran seizes her and starts to shake her over the heads of larky, ron and richael. They all float up into the air)

Larky: “I’m flying!”

Ron: “I’m flying!”

Richael: “I’m flying!”

Briter Bran: “Let’s not sing a [bleep-ing] song about it. Time to go.”

(they all fly out the window)

Larky: “How do we get there now?”

Briter Bran: “God, do women ever shut up? It’s second star to the right and straight on till morning!”

Ron: “But—“

Briter Bran: “Shut the [bleep] up and follow me!”

(and with that they all follow briter bran off into the night.)


(meanwhile, in neverland, there are some evil, evil pirates on their ship. the captain, who looks like sephiroth, is at the back of the ship, watching out over the sea. he has one hand hidden in his coat. a guy who looks like vincent is also standing there)

Captain Roth: *looks like sephiroth* “Where are they, Vee?! They left hours ago! Haven’t they found the location of Briter Bran’s hideout *yet*?”

Vee: *looks like vincent* “Well, Captain, you have been sending them out every day for the past year and a half. And they haven’t even found so much as a clue yet.”

Captain Roth: “How stupid are they?! Briter Bran cannot possibly be that clever! His vocabulary is mostly swear words!”

Vee: “Well, perhaps if you joined them, Captain…”

Captain Roth: “You know damn well I can’t get in the long boat, Vee!” *shudders* “What if…what if that *thing* should come along?”

Vee: “…You mean the Heideggerdile, Captain?”

Captain Roth: *shudders* “Don’t even mention that horrible creature in front of me, Vee!”

Vee: “Sorry, Captain.”

Captain Roth: “That bastard took my hand and my favorite joke wrist watch!”

Vee: “Well at least now you can hear it approaching. Those ‘gya haa haas’ are rather loud and obnoxious.”

Captain Roth: *shudders* “That laughing haunts my dreams.”

Vee: “Well, at least you had that handy new hand installed.”

Captain Roth: *brings out hand which looks like a swiss army knife* “Yeah, if I was a boy scout troop leader! I need a real hand, Vee! You know how hard it is to go to the bathroom! Once I forgot I had the corkscrew still out!”

Vee: “Well, at least you’re never with out a can opener, Captain.”

Captain Roth: “…This is true.”

(then 4 other pirates come onto the boat. they look like auron, alucard, dante and twilight)

Vee: “Captain, it seems Ar, Al, D and Random Pirate #2 have returned.”

Captain Roth: “Finally! What did you discover?”

Pirates: *shrug*

Captain Roth: “You *shrug*?! You spend four hours in the jungle and then you *shrug*?! Certainly you found *something*!”

Random Pirate #2: *looks like twilight* “I discovered the mermaids are pretty hot!”

Captain Roth: “Random Pirate #2! That was not what I sent you out to find!”

Random Pirate #2: “Hey! Why am I ‘Random Pirate #2’!? I have a name you know! It’s—“

Captain Roth: “You’re useless! All of you! Why do I even have you on my ship?”

Ar: *looks like auron* “Well, I am the ship’s cook. It’s not really my job to be walking through the jungle.”

Captain Roth: “Can it, ya bum! Your job is what I say it is! And if you don’t like that, you can walk the plank!”

D: *looks like dante* “Can I walk the plank? It’s hot out.”

Captain Roth: “The plank is not a diving board!”

D: “Yeah it is. That’s all we use it for.”

Al: *looks like alucard* “I’m not supposed to be in the sun.”

Captain Roth: “All of you shut up and get out of my sight!”

(the other pirates leave. captain roth turns to vee)

Captain Roth: “Can you believe that is my crew? Because I can’t!”

Vee: *shrug* “You did pick us all up at that erotic dance club.”

Captain Roth: “Not Random Pirate #2!”

Vee: “…He was a stowaway.”

Captain Roth: “Oh, whatever! The point is I’ve got to find Briter Bran! It’s his fault I’ve got this hand! He pushed me in the water!” *waves the knife part in vee’s face*

Vee: *watching it warily* “…You might want to watch where you point that, Captain.”

Captain Roth: “What? My fly is closed.”

Vee: “Um…I meant your sharp knife hand you have pointed in my face.”

Captain Roth: “Oh.” *draws it away* “Sorry about that. Anyway, help me think of a way we can find Briter Bran’s hideout! I mean this island is not that big! What the hell is our problem?!”

D’s voice: “Cannonball!” *splash*

Captain Roth: “Dammit!”

(he stalks over to where the other pirates are by the ‘plank’. d has just jumped into the water)

Random Pirate #2: “Cool! I wanna try!”

Captain Roth: “You stay right where you are, Random Pirate #2! D! Get back up here at once!”

D: “Make me!”

Captain Roth: “Why you!”

(and with that he takes out his swiss army knife hand and starts flipping through the various attachments. a small magnifying glass, 3 kinds of knives, a tiny scissor, a bottle opener, a can opener, a corkscrew, even a nail file. but he closes it in disgust)

Captain Roth: “Dammit, Vee! Where’s my flogging paddle?!”

Vee: “…It’s on back order, Captain.”

Captain Roth: “Argh!”

Random Pirate #2: “You know, we did run into a lot of Indians out there.”

Ar: “I believe the correct term is Native American.”

Al: “But this isn’t America. This is Neverland. So how can they be Native American’s?”

Ar: “…Point.”

Captain Roth: “Would you guys shut up? Random Pirate #2 was talking!”

Random Pirate #2: “My name is—“

Captain Roth: “So what about the Indians?”

Random Pirate #2: *shrugs* “I dunno. I just like to talk.”

Captain Roth: *thoughtfully* “You know, the Indians do know a lot about the island… I bet they would know where Briter Bran hides out! D, get back in here! Vee – set sail for the Indian encampment!”

Vee: “Aye aye, Captain!”

????????????: *in the distance* “Gya haa haa!”

Captain Roth: *wide eyes* “On the double!” *runs off screaming*


(meanwhile, briter bran, tinker shell, larky, ron and richael land on neverland)

Larky: “Wow! We’re really here! We’re really in Neverland! I can hardly believe it! I want to see the mermaid’s lagoon!”

Ron: “I want to explore the island!”

Richael: “Me too!”

Briter Bran: “Calm the hell down! We just got here after flying all through the damn night! Let me go in my house for a minute!”

Tinker Shell: “And I need to fix my hair.”

Larky: “Oh, I think you always look beautiful, Tinker Shell!”

Tinker Shell: “Whatever, skank. Shows what you know.”

(briter bran presses a button on a tree stump and the top of the stump flips open.)

Briter Bran: “Everybody into my sweet ass bachelor pad!”

(they all go inside. There are a bunch of bunk beds inside where the remaining lost boys are asleep. They look like reno, irvine, tseng, rude and zidane.)

Briter Bran: “Wake up you [bleep-ing] bums! We’ve got guests! I brought back a chick to be our mother and tell us stories and all that [bleep]!”

Ren: *looks like reno* “I ain’t gettin’ up! Me and Vine were up drinkin’ all night!”

Briter Bran: “I don’t care if you were banging hookers till the wee hours of the morning! Get up and meet your new mother, you [bleeeeeeeps]!”

(grumbling, the boys pull themselves out of bed and line up)

Briter Bran: “Ren, Vine, T.S., Dude, and Dane, meet Larky, your new mother.”

Larky: “Hello. Nice to meet you.”

Ron: “Aren’t you going to introduce us too, Briter Bran?”

Briter Bran: “Shut the [bleep] up, tagalong.”

Lost Boys: “Hello, mother.”

Vine: “Can we go back to sleep? I’ve got a wicked hangover.”

T.S: “I was out swimming.”

Dane: “I’m just lazy.”

Dude: “I was looking for anything and everything I could possibly sell.” *reaches into his pocket and holds out the contents* “You wanna by some rocks?”

Larky: “Um…no.”

Tinker Shell: “You suck, Dude!”

Briter Bran: “None of you are going back to bed! We’ve gotta treat our new mother right!”

Larky: “I really would like to see the mermaid’s lagoon!”

Tinker Shell: “You’ll take that back when you see how bitchy they are.”

Ron and Richael: “We wanna explore the island!”

Briter Bran: “All right, I’ll take Larky to see the mermaids. You boys take these two dorks exploring.”

Ren: “So. Hung. Over.”

Briter Bran: “Shut the [bleep] up and do it!”


(and so the very tired lost boys go into the woods with ron and richael)

Ron: “This is ever so exciting! I feel like I’m on safari!”

Ren: “What’s that? Some kind of new drug?”

Vine: “My whole body hurts.”

Ren: “Is it? ‘Cause I’ll try anything once.”

Ron: “…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

T.S: “Leave him alone, Ren. Just stick by me. I’ll help you out.”

Ron: *smiles* “Thanks.”

Dane: *looking at richael* “You’re taking a teddy bear into the woods with you?”

Richael: “Of course! Jingles goes everywhere with me!”

Dane: “Even in the bathtub?”

Richael: “Uh…”

Dane: “Like even to the toilet? And everything?”

Richael: “…I’m not comfortable with this conversation…”

Dude: “Ooh! Mushrooms!”

T.S: “Dude, those are poisonous.”

Dude: “Yeah, but—“

T.S: “No. No one is going to buy those from you.”

Vine: “Do they cure a hang over? ‘Cause I might.”

Dude: “Yeah! Sure they do!”

T.S: “Dude!”

Ron: “So do you have Indians on this island?”

Ren: “Yeah.”

Ron: “And pirates?”

Ren: “Yeah. Really gay ones.”

T.S: “Huh?”

Ren: “I’m talkin’ about the pirates.”

T.S: “Oh. Of course you are.”

Ron: “I’m guessing you must have a lot of exciting adventures on this island!”

Vine: “I have a horrible feeling that I had an ‘exciting adventure’ involving a sea urchin and my pants last night.”

Dane: “You would think so, kid, but it can get kinda boring around here.”

(and with that a group of indians suddenly jumps out of the bushes and pounces on the lost boys, who scream.)


(meanwhile, larky, briter bran and tinker shell arrive at the mermaid lagoon. There are mermaids there who look like rinoa, selphie, quistis and lulu. They all look like you would expect a mermaid to look, with sea shell bikini tops on. Well, except lulu. She has her arms folded across her chest.)

Larky: “They’re so beautiful!” *pause* “Why doesn’t that one have a top on?”

Tinker Shell: “She couldn’t find any shells big enough for her boobs.”

Larky: “Oh dear.”

Briter Bran: “Sometimes she drops her arms, though! She can’t have them like that all the time!”

Tinker Shell: “You’re a pig!”

Briter Bran: “And you’re a skank!”

Tinker Shell: “I don’t have to take that from you! You need me! I don’t need you!”

Briter Bran: “No one’s begging you to stay! Right, Larky?”

Larky: “Well, I—“

Tinker Shell: “I don’t care what the airhead thinks!”

Larky: “Airhead? Hey!”

Tinker Shell: “You can find another fairy to get your pixie dust fix, jackass. I’m outta here!”

(and with that she flies away)

Briter Bran: “Whatever. She’ll be back. Women just can’t resist me. Come on.”

(and they head over closer to the mermaids.)


(meanwhile, back to the lost boys, ron and richael, they are in the indian encampment and tied to long poles in the ground.)

Ron: “Oh dear. This was not what I was expecting.”

Richael: *crying* “I want my mommy!”

T.S: “Don’t be scared. This happens all the time!”

Ron: “…All the time?”

Dane: “Yeah. They capture us, we capture them, it’s like a game. They always let us go.”

Vine: “I wonder if they’ll let me get in on that peace pipe action again.”

Dude: “I thought you were hung over.”

Vine: “That doesn’t stop me from having fun!”

Ren: “These ropes are chaffing me! Let us go already!”

(then the indians come over. they look like zell, seifer, squall and nida)

Sniveling Seifer: *looks like seifer* “No! We’re not letting you go till you bring my girlfriend back!”

Ren: *blink blink* “You have a girlfriend?”

Vine: “Yeah. You’re *sniveling* Seifer.”

Zealous Zell: *looks like zell – punching air* “Yeah! We’re not letting you go until you bring our princess back!”

Lost Boys: “Your *princess*!?”

T.S: “You mean Tiger Ashley is missing?!”

Nuisance Nida: *looks like nida* “Yeah! And if you don’t return her by midnight, we’re burning you jerks at the stake!”

Ron: “Burning us?!”

Richael: *sobbing* “I want my mommy!”

Dane: “We don’t have your princess!”

Dude: “She would make a great ransom, but even I wouldn’t do that.”

Silent Squall: *looks like squall* “……………”

Zealous Zell: “You tell them, Silent Squall!”

T.S: “We would never kidnap Tiger Ashley! We’re not the ones who took her!”

Sniveling Seifer: “Sure you’re not! Liars!”

Nuisance Nida: “And if she’s not back by tonight, I’m going to light the fires myself!” *laughs maniacally*

Sniveling Seifer: “No you’re not! I am!”

Nuiscance Nida: “I called it hours ago!”

Sniveling Seifer: “No you didn’t!”

Nuiscance Nida: “Yes I did!”

Sniveling Seifer: “No you didn’t!”

Nuiscance Nida: “Yes I did!”

Silent Squall: “Silence. You’re both annoying.”

Both: *meekly* “Sorry, Silent Squall.”

Vine: *whispers* “You guys – did we take her? Really? ‘Cause I was so drunk last night I can’t even remember my last name.”

Dude: “You don’t have a last name.”

Vine: “Oh.”

T.S: “We didn’t take her! That means someone else must have! And I think I know who that someone else is…”

Dane: “Briter Bran?”

T.S: “…No.”

Dane: “The mermaids?”

T.S: “No.”

Dane: “The Indians?”

Ren: “…The Indians are the ones who are looking for her.”

Dane: “Oh. Right. I don’t think before I speak.”

T.S: “Clearly. Anyway, I’m talking about Captain Roth!”


(meanwhile, back at the mermaid lagoon…)

Briter Bran: “Hey, mermaid babes.”

Mermaids: “Hi, Briter Bran!” *see larky*

Mer-Rinoa: “Ugh. Who’s *that*?”

Mer-Selphie: “She’s ugly!”

Mer-Quistis: “And fat.”

Mer-Lulu: “You find any oversized shells for me yet?”

Larky: “I am not fat and ugly! How rude!”

Briter Bran: “Aw, don’t mind them, Larky. They have nothing better to do all day than swim around and make catty comments.”

Mer-Rinoa: “Briter Bran, how come you didn’t come and visit me yesterday?”

Briter Bran: “I was busy! Besides that seafood soup you made me eat the other day was [bleep-ing] nasty!”

Mer-Rinoa: “You said you liked it!”

Mer-Quistis: “Haha! He hates your cooking!”

Mer-Selphie: “Hey, Briter Bran! You know who I saw today? Captain Roth!”

Briter Bran: “Oh yeah? And what was he doing? Crying over his disfigured hand again?”

Mer-Selphie: “No… He was sailing his ship into the cave on the other side of the island. And he had Tiger Ashley on board!”

Briter Bran: “Tiger Ashley?! The hot Indian princess chick?”

Mer-Rinoa: “Omg, she is *not* hot. Totally needs a hair cut.”

Mer-Quistis: “And some lypo.”

Mer-Selphie: “So could you.” *points to larky*

Mer-Lulu: “Would somebody please help me?”

Larky: “You mermaids are not nice at all!”

Briter Bran: “All right, we’ve gotta get the [bleep] outta here and go track down Tiger Ashley. Let’s go, Larky.”

Larky: “Gladly.”

Mermaids: “Bye, Briter Bran!”

(briter bran and larky fly away)

Mer-Rinoa: “She is totally not good enough for him.” *dives under the water*

Mer-Quistis: “Neither are you.” *dives under*

Mer-Selphie: “Both of you are skanks.” *dives under*

Mer-Lulu: *sigh* “My arms hurt.”


(and so briter bran and larky fly to the cave on the other side of the island. it is a dark and scary looking cave. the ship is parked right outside it. briter bran and larky fly to the side of the boat and peer up at the deck. ar, al, d and random pirate #2 are sitting there in a circle. al is wearing a hat with a huge brim)

Random Pirate #2: “How comes the Captain always takes Vee with him? I’m way better than him!”

D: “Shut up, Random Pirate #2. Now are you gonna play Truth or Dare with us or not?”

Ar: “I feel like we should be mopping the deck or something…”

D: “Screw that. The Captain isn’t here.”

Al: “I’m just glad we’re inside this cave. My skin was about to start peeling.”

D: “Gross. Okay. Al – truth or dare.”

Al: “Um…truth.”

D: “Okay, who would you rather have sex with: one of the Indians or one of the mermaids?”

Al: “You can’t have sex with the mermaids. They’re half fish!”

Briter Bran: *whispers* “[Bleep] this [bleep]. Where’s the Captain?”

(he takes larky by the hand and they fly further into the cave. there they find captain roth on a boat with tiger Ashley. she’s all tied up and the boat is slowly sinking into the water while vee and the captain watch)

Captain Roth: “Okay, Tiger Ashley, for the 22nd time, where the hell is Briter Bran’s hideout?”

Tiger Ashley: “I told you, I don’t freakin’ know! Now let me go, you disfigured creep!”

Captain Roth: “I know you’re lying to me! Now either come clean or you’ll find yourself as Heideggerdile bait!”

Vee: “Captain, perhaps she is telling the truth.”

Captain Roth: “Stay out of this, Vee! I didn’t bring you along to chat! I knew I should have brought Random Pirate #2!”

Larky: *softly* “Oh my gosh! We have to help her!”

Briter Bran: *yawns*

Larky: “What are you doing? Go help her!”

Briter Bran: “I will.”

Larky: “………..”

Briter Bran: “………..”

Larky: “What are you waiting for?! Go!”

Briter Bran: “Back off, bitch! I’ll enter when I feel like it! I can’t go in without a good opening line!”

Larky: *puts a hand to her head*

Captain Roth: “Tell me or swim with the fishes, Tiger Ashley!”

Tiger Ashley: “What are you, in the mob now?”

Captain Roth: “I’m running out of patience! Vee, put another hole in the boat!”

Vee: *sigh* “Yes, Captain.”

(he raises a gun and shoots another hole in the boat, which starts to go down noticeably quicker)

Larky: “Will you go *now*?”

Briter Bran: “You’re [bleep-ing] annoying! I’ll go when I feel like it!”

Captain Roth: “Now tell me – where is Briter Bran??”

Briter Bran: *flies into view* “Right here, you piece of [bleep]!”

Larky: “Finally!”

Captain Roth: “You son of bitch! Get down here and fight like a man!”

Briter Bran: “What? Like this?”

(he flies down in front of captain roth, who immediately goes for his sword. but briter bran quickly flies behind him and pushes him in the water before he knows what hit him. he then grabs tiger ashley out of the boat and starts to fly away)

Captain Roth: “Help!!!! Heeeeeeeelp! Save me, Vee!! Save me!!!”

????????????: “Gya haa haa!”

Captain Roth: *struggling to get out of the water* “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Veeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!”


(meanwhile, shortly thereafter, a dripping wet and shaking captain roth returns to the boat, along with vee. ar and al are now sitting in the circle without random pirate #2 or d. ar is wearing al’s hat)

Ar: “This is quite shady.”

Al: “I told you. Oh, hello Captain.”

Ar: “Did you get the hideout information?”

Captain Roth: “Does it *look* like I got the hideout information?”

Ar: “No.”

Al: “It looks like you took a bath but didn’t have a towel.”

Captain Roth: “That brat Briter Bran foiled my plan again! And he pushed me in the water to be eaten by that hungry Heideggerdile again! I barely escaped intact!”

Ar: “I do know several pirates with peg legs. That could be an option for you.”

Captain Roth: “Oh shut up! Where are D and Random Pirate #2?”

Al and Ar: *shrug*

Captain Roth: “Oh, you are *useless*!”

(then random pirate #2 comes running over, something small dangling from his hand)

Random Pirate #2: “Captain! Captain! Look what I got!”

Tinker Shell: *is being held upside down* “Let me go! You smell like dirt!”

Captain Roth: “Tinker Shell! Where did you find her?”

Random Pirate #2: “In the bathroom prancing in front of the mirror.”

Tinker Shell: “I wasn’t prancing! I was practicing my speech for the fairy of the year awards!”

Captain Roth: “Excellent work, Random Pirate #2!”

Random Pirate #2: “You know, my name is—“

Captain Roth: “What brings you to our lovely ship, Tinker Shell?”

Tinker Shell: “I’m pissed at Briter Bran.”

Captain Roth: “Aren’t we all.”

Tinker Shell: “Yeah. I should totally get revenge on his stupid tree hideout.”

Captain Roth: “Oh really?”

Tinker Shell: “He thinks he’s so cool ‘cause he lives inside the biggest tree in the forest. Big deal. It smells like ass in there. Ass and dead bugs.” *pause* “Oh crap.”

Captain Roth: “The largest tree in the forest, eh? Why Tinker Shell, you have been more than helpful.”

Tinker Shell: *struggling* “Let me go!”

Captain Roth: “I don’t think so. Vee!”

Vee: “Yes, Captain?”

Captain Roth: “Find a nice cage for our fairy friend here.”

Tinker Shell: “You’ll never defeat him! You’ve got a magnifying glass for a hand!”

Captain Roth: *puts magnifying glass away and put the hook out instead* “Shut up!”

(vee takes tinker shell away)

Captain Roth: “Random Pirate #2 – gather the rest of the crew! Tonight we will get him once and for all! Tonight we will finally taste the sweet, sweet deliciousness of victory! Bring me Briter Bran!”

(d comes wandering up, a beer in hand. he comes over to the captain and uses his hook to open the beer)

D: “Thanks.”

Captain Roth: “What the hell do you think this is?! A party boat?! Get to work!” *pause* “And put on some pants!”


(meanwhile, over at the indian encampment, the indians have freed their prisoners and are standing around briter bran. there’s now one that looks like laguna)

Chief Loony Laguna: “Briter Bran, thank you for saving our Tiger Ashley from that crazy pirate!”

Briter Bran: “It was [bleep-ing] easy.”

Sniveling Seifer: “What did the pirates do to you, Tiger Ashley?”

Tiger Ashley: “They tried to torture information from me. But I didn’t give it to them.”

Zealous Zell: “That’s the spirit!”

Silent Squall: “…………………………”

Nuiscance Nida: *whines* “This sucks! I was gonna light the fire!”

Everyone else: “Shut up!”

Briter Bran: *goes over to larky* “So! What did you think of my kick ass rescue?”

Larky: “You know, I can’t believe I ever told stories about you, Briter Bran!”

Briter Bran: “I’m cooler than you thought, right?”

Larky: “No! I think you’re nothing but an arrogant, foul mouthed show off! And your Lost Boys are awful!” *points to ren* “That one is drinking.” *points to vine* “That one is smoking.” *points to dane* “That one is lazy.” *points to dude* “That one is trying to con money from people.” *points to t.s* “And that one…that one…well, that’s one’s okay. But you should be ashamed of yourself! Grow up already!”

Briter Bran: “I never grow up! That’s the whole point!”

Larky: “Well I’m leaving! And I’m taking my brothers with me!”

Briter Bran: “Larky! No! You’re supposed to be our mother!”

Larky: “You want a mother? Then come back to the real world with me. I’m sure my mother will be more than happy to take care of you.”

Dane: “Really?”

T.S: “A real mother?”

Dude: “Is she rich?”

Vine: “Is she hot?”

Ren: “I think I’m drunk.”

Larky: “You’re more than welcome to come with me if you want to find out.”

Lost Boys: “Yay!”

(and so larky grabs each brother by the hand and stalks back into the woods, the lost boys following them)

Briter Bran: “Fine! Go! See if I give a [bleep]! I’ll get new followers!” *turns back to indians* “So. You guys gonna need a new chief anytime soon?”

Chief Loony Laguna: “Probably! I am rather forgetful!”

Briter Bran: “Sweet.”


(larky and the boys head back to the hideout. they’re nearly there…)

Larky: “Just gather up your things quickly, boys. I want to get home as soon as possible.”

Ron: “Are we really going home, Larky?”

Larky: “Yes, Ron.”

Ron: “But we’ve hardly seen Neverland.”

Larky: “We’ve seen enough.”

Richael: “I think I’ve suffered psychological effects that will last a lifetime.”

(they just step into the clearing where the hidden entrance for the hideout is when the pirates jump out of the bushes shouting. everyone screams and tries to get away, but the pirates quickly round them up and tie them up with rope)

Vee: “Good job. Now let’s get them back to the ship.”

Al: “I’m getting bitten by bugs.”

D: “I’m bored.”

Ar: “Grab some kids and let’s get going.”

Random Pirate #2: *putting down a bomb* “Heh heh heh. Briter Bran will be in for quite a surprise tonight!”

Larky: “No! Briter Bran! Save us!”

T.S: “I thought you hated him.”

Larky: “…He’s still good at saving people.”


(so the pirates drag the kids back to the boat where captain roth is waiting for them eagerly.)

Captain Roth: “Excellent work! Excellent work! And did you leave the bomb?”

Random Pirate #2: “You bet I did, Captain!”

Captain Roth: “Outstanding work, Random Pirate #2!”

Random Pirate #2: “You can start using my name at any time, you know. It’s-“

D: “Can I get drunk?”

Captain Roth: “No! I need you alert when Briter Bran gets here! You want to end up like all those other pirates who get drunk and then get defeated when they’re too sloshed to defend themselves?”

D: “If it means getting the hell off this boat, then yeah.”

Captain Roth: “Get out of my sight.”

D: *mutters* “I’m gonna go smoke a joint.” *he leaves*

Ren: “It’s more fun when you pass it around, you know!”

Vine: “I don’t think he heard you, man.”

Ren: “Damn.”

Larky: “Just what do you intend to do with us?”

Captain Roth: “I plan to draw Briter Bran here, of course! Then I plan to kill him and all of you!” *laughs evilly*

Ron: “You’re a wicked, wicked man!”

Captain Roth: “Hey – everybody’s gotta have nemesis. I’m just playing my part, kid.”

Vee: “Captain, what do you want us to do when Briter Bran gets here?”

Captain Roth: “Just stay out of my way. I want to kill him myself.”

T.S: “What did Briter Bran ever do to you that was so horrible?”

Captain Roth: *shoves swiss army knife hand in his face* “Does *this* look familiar?”

T.S: “…Oh. Right. Never mind.”

Captain Roth: *rubs his ‘hands’ together* “Soon I will finally have my revenge!”

Vee: “Um, Captain? Your hand.”

Captain Roth: *looks down to where his hand is bleeding profusely* “Damn knife attachment! Vee – to the first aid kit. You three guard them.”

(he leaves. ar, al and random pirate #2 are standing around looking at each other)

Al: *sigh* “I hate this job. The money in stripping was much better.”

Ar: “I used to be an architect.”

Random Pirate #2: “I used to race rats for money.”

Al and Ar: *blink blink*

Random Pirate #2: “What? I made pretty good cash.”

Dude: “How much a week?”

Other lost boys: *give him a weird look*

Dude: “What? There are a lot of rats on that island.”


(meanwhile, d goes back down below decks where tinker shell has been shoved into a lantern.)

Tinker Shell: “These fumes are making me dizzy…”

D: “Hey, you’re that pixie we captured.”

Tinker Shell: “I’m not a pixie. I’m a fairy. Pixies are whores.”

D: “Sor~ry. So what do you do? Grant wishes or something?”

Tinker Shell: “Not for skeevy pirates who don’t know how to button up their shirts.”

D: “I don’t like buttons.”

(he starts to head back up but tinker shell suddenly gets an idea…)

Tinker Shell: “Wait a sec, um, hot stuff.”

D: “Yeah?”

Tinker Shell: “I guess I could make an exception… If…”

D: “If…what?”

Tinker Shell: “If you let me out of here. I can’t use my powers when I’m in an enclosed space.”

(d just shrugs and opens the lantern. tinker shell comes flying out and smacks him right between the eyes)

D: “Ow!”

Tinker Shell: “Sucker! Hahahahaha!” *flies away*

D: *calls* “Pixies aren’t the only ones who are whores!”

Captain Roth: *enters* “What’s all that racket?”

D: “Uh, nothing, Captain.”

Captain Roth: “Are you hiding something from me, D?”

D: “No.”

Captain Roth: *sees lantern* “What happened to the fairy that we had imprisoned in that lantern?”

D: “I don’t have explain myself to you.” *brushes past him and walks away*

Captain Roth: “Argh! I don’t believe this crew!” *stomps back up* “Vee! The fairy has escaped! Now she’ll warn that bastard Briter Bran! Extra preparations are in order! Where’s the sharpener for my sword?”

Vee: “…On backorder, Captain.”

Captain Roth: “Dammit! Stop ordering from that catalog!”


(meanwhile, briter bran is heading back to his hideout)

Briter Bran: “[Bleep] those [bleepers]. I don’t need them! I’m gonna be an Indian Chief soon.” *spots bomb* “Huh? What the [bleep] is that?”

(he heads towards it when…)


(he’s just about to grab for it when tinker shell knocks into him at full speed, knocking briter bran away)

Briter Bran: “Tinker Shell?! What the fu—“

(and with that the bomb explodes, causing quite a bit of destruction that surely would have killed his ass)

Briter Bran: *blink blink* “Holy [bleep].”

Tinker Shell: “Yeah, that’s right! I just saved your life, you ungrateful jerk! And Captain Roth’s got all your friends on his boat! And he’s set a trap for you!”

Briter Bran: “[Bleeeeep] it. What are we waiting for? Let’s go make another heroic rescue!” *mutters* “I knew you’d come back.”

Tinker Shell: “Oh, [bleep] you!”


(and so briter bran and tinker shell fly over to captain roth’s ship. briter bran lands confidently on the deck in front of captain roth)

Captain Roth: “Briter Bran…so we meet at last.”

Briter Bran: “What the [bleep] are you talking about? We’ve met like a million times already. And I’ve always whooped your ass!”

Captain Roth: “It was a figure of speech!” *whips out sword* “Are you ready to finally fight like a man?”

Briter Bran: *takes out small dagger* “Sure. But it looks like you’re compensating for something, Captain.” *winks at larky*

Captain Roth: “Tough words for someone whose name sounds like a cereal!”

Briter Bran: “You’re not much better, Captain Crunch!”

Captain Roth: “Nice green leotard, Briter Bran! What are you, two scoops of gay?”

Briter Bran: “Well at least I don’t control the gay ship lollipop with *fruity pebbles* guarding all the prisoners!”

Captain Roth: “Smart talk coming from a *fruit loop*!”

Briter Bran: “Really? Well, I think you need a *life*!”

Captain Roth: “At least my life doesn’t revolve around *honey bunches of hoes*!”

Briter Bran: “You’re the one with the boat full of men! Guess you’re turning a lot of *trix*!”

Ron: “That’s actually spelled t-r-i-c-k-s.”

Briter Bran and Captain Roth: “SHUT UP!”

Captain Roth: “Well you would know a lot about that, since you’re *special gay*!”

Ren: “Would you guys stop fighting with the names of cereals? You’re hurting my head!”

Both: “Gladly!”

(and with that they begin sword fighting, going back and forth across the deck)

Briter Bran: “…I’ve got a question. How do you wipe your ass with that thing?”

Captain Roth: “It’s a work-in-progress.”

(and they keep fighting. whenever it looks like captain roth will win, briter bran battles back. and whenever it looks like briter bran will win, captain roth battles back. finally they are at the very edge of the deck and captain roth has his sword to briter bran’s neck.)

Captain Roth: “So, Briter Bran, are you finally ready to taste the sourness of defeat?”

(briter bran just stands there and smiles, staring at the magnifying glass attachment captain roth has out on his hook)

Briter Bran: “Not yet.”

(and then, since the sun and magnifying glass were lined up perfectly with the captain’s shoe, it suddenly is set on fire)

Captain Roth: “Ahhh!!! My shoe!” *drops sword* “My shoe!!! My shoe’s on fire!” *starts hopping around the deck trying to blow it out* “My shoe!! It’s burning!!!” *jumps in the water*

(everyone who isn’t tied up peers over the edge of the boat at captain roth, who now looks relaxed.)

Captain Roth: “Ah. Much better.”

????????????: “Gya haa haa!”

(captain roth’s eyes go very wide and out of the water pops a creature that looks like, well, what heidegger would look like if he was a crocodile.)

Heideggerdile: “Gya haa haa!!!”

Captain Roth: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” *starts to frantically swim away* “Save me, Vee!!! Save me!!!! Save me!!!!!!!!”

(and with that he swims away into the distance, the heideggerdile on his heels)

Briter Bran: *chuckles* “He is totally gonna die.”

Random Pirate #2: “This fight isn’t over yet! You still have to go through us!”

Other pirates: *shrug*

Ar: “I’m tired.”

D: “I’m totally baked.”

Al: “My skin is itchy.”

Vee: “I just don’t wanna live anymore.”

Random Pirate #2: “What kind of pirates are you?! Sucky ones! But that doesn’t have to stop me from being a great pirate! The great pirate—“

Briter Bran: “Oh shut the [bleep] up.”

(and so briter bran sets his friends free)

Larky: “You saved us, Briter Bran!”

Briter Bran: “Of course I did.”

Ron: “Good show!”

Richael: “I’m going to need years of therapy!”

Ren: “Thanks for saving our asses again, man.”

Vine: “Hells yeah!”

Dane: “I tried to gnaw through the rope with my teeth, but I got bored.”

T.S: “I knew you wouldn’t let us down, Briter Bran!”

Dude: “Do you know where I could get some rats?”

Briter Bran: “Well, some of your thanks should go to Tinker Shell. She did come and kind of sort of loosely save my life. So she should get a little thanks. A tiny bit. Like one percent.”

Tinker Shell: “You’re still an asshole.”

Larky: “Well now that that’s settled, I guess it’s time for us to return home. Do you boys still want to come?”

Vine: “After a fight like that? Not on your life!”

T.S: “Yeah, Briter Bran needs us. We’re his friends.”

Dane: “We watch his back! …When we feel like it.”

Ren: “Do you think any more of that pot is lying around?”

Dude: “Could you lend me some money?”

Larky: “Oh well. Come along, Ron and Richael. I’m sure mother has missed us!”

Briter Bran: “Are you really going, Larky?”

Larky: “Yes. But thank you, Briter Bran, for saving our lives.”

Briter Bran: *grins* “I guess you take back what you said about me before then.”

Larky: “No.”

(and with that the three children fly up in the air and away from neverland while the others wave good-bye. they return home and fly through the window just as their parents enter)

Mother: “Whoo, that was some party. I’ll be hung over for days!”

Father: “I heard someone was charging for sex in the bathroom.”

Mother: *shifty eyes* “I don’t know who that could be…”

Children: “Mother!”

Mother: “Kids!”

(they run over and hug her)

Richael: “You smell like gin! Just like I remember!”

Mother: “Of course I do, honey!”

Ron: “We were out in Neverland hanging out with Briter Bran! And we saw Indians and fought pirates!”

Father: “Honey, I thought I told you to keep your drugs away from the children.”

Larky: “It wasn’t drugs, father! It was real! We really were there!”

Richael: “I need a therapist.”

Mother: “Oh, Larky. You have such an overactive imagination! We can’t possibly let you leave the nursery just yet.”

Father: “I guess not. That would mean clearing out my nunchuck room.”

Larky: “Oh, mother! That makes me so happy!”

Richael: “A good therapist. A really, really good one.”

(and that’s the end of larks’ dream. she awakes slowly to see Brady smiling down at her.)

Brady: “Hey there, sleepy head. What made you take a nap?”

Lark: “Oh, I was just watching the Disney version of Peter Pan.”

Brady: “Oh. No wonder you fell asleep.”

Lark: “Tell me about it.” *pause* “And I had this weird dream that you were a Peter Pan like character. Except you were really arrogant, were a total show off and had a really dirty mouth.”

Brady: “But…he was a total show off. And totally arrogant.” *pause* “He just didn’t have a dirty mouth.”

Lark: “I guess you have a point.”

Brady: “So if I was the Peter Pan character, who was the Captain Hook character?”

Lark: “Sephiroth.” *chuckles*

Brady: “Oh *really*? And did I…defeat him?”

Lark: *chuckles* “Yeah. You could say that.”

Brady: *smiles* “Excellent.”










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