Koudelka: *grimaces* “…If you two are doing it, I don’t even wanna know.”

Originally Published: 5/18/06 . 19 pages

Synopsis
Just as a the title says. See what a typical day is like in the life of a pampered stuffed bear.

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

This one seemed funnier when it was a concept, but there is some good stuff in there. It’s hard to write much about a bear that doesn’t talk. The ending just kind of happened as well – I didn’t start writing this ramble with the intention that Rufus and Elena would kiss. This happens with the rambles a lot.

(we open in rufus’ room. It’s morning and he yawns and stretches and gets out of bed rubbing his eyes. He then takes mr. jingles out of the bed and goes over to the window. Mr. jingles is dressed in a long nightshirt, complete with cap.)

Rufus: “Perfect, Mr. Jingles! It’s a great day for your outdoor tea party! But first we have to go on a morning walk!”

(so rufus gets dressed and then he dresses mr. jingles up in a blue jean overalls, a blue and white checked shirt and a baseball cap. He then puts him in his stroller and takes him outside. It’s a beautiful day. Zell comes running over)

Zell: “Good morning, Rufus! You want me to take Mr. Jingles on his walk?”

Rufus: “That’s okay, Zell. I could use some exercise.”

Zell: “Well can I tag along?”

Rufus: “Would you like that, Mr. Jingles?”

Mr. Jingles: “………”

Rufus: “He said yes.”

Zell: *fist in the air* “Awesome!”

(so they start walking down the street)

Zell: “So what’s on Mr. Jingle’s schedule today?”

Rufus: “Well, after his walk he has his business management class. Then his garden tea party–“

Zell: “Ooh! Can I come to that? I’ll bring my own hat this time!”

Rufus: “Yeah, okay. And then I have to…uh…go to a top secret meeting–“

Zell: “That sounds important!”

Rufus: “Yup. And then he has rehearsal for his one man play. You want to come to that?”

Zell: “Uh, I can’t. I have…um…to do…uh…hey! There’s Franswa!”

(he runs over to where franswa is standing on his front lawn, watering some flowers in a robe. Rufus follows with mr. jingles and the stroller)

Zell: “Good morning, buddy! Whatcha up to?”

Franswa: *sigh* “Hugh decided he wanted to make breakfast this morning and wouldn’t take no for an answer. So now I have to do his chores. And then I’m going to have to make breakfast all over again because Hugh can’t even make toast!”

Zell: “Wow…even I can make toast.”

Rufus: *snort* “Even Mr. Jingles can do that.”

Franswa: “…Right.”

Zell: “Well what is he trying to make?”

(franswa opens his mouth to answer but there is an explosion from inside the house)

Hugh’s voice: “My waffles!”

Franswa: *eyes wide* “My kitchen! I’ve gotta go, Zell – see you later!!”

(he drops the watering can and runs back inside.)

Zell: *frowns* “That didn’t sound like waffles exploding.”

Rufus: “I don’t think waffles *can* explode.” *his watch beeps and he checks it* “Look at the time! We’ve got to get you changed and to class, Mr. Jingles!”

Mr. Jingles: “………………”

Rufus: “That’s not funny! You better have done your homework!”

Zell: “I’ll see you for tea later, Mr. Jingles!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so a bit later rufus arrives at a school carrying mr. jingles, who is now wearing a very expensive looking suit. Rufus walks into the classroom and puts mr. jingles in one of the seats. Everyone else in the room looks at him strangely)

Rufus: “Okay, Mr. Jingles! Have a good class!”

(he walks out. The other kids in the class just stare at the bear for awhile.)

Boy: “I hope I get so rich one day that I can pay for a stuffed animal to go to college.”

Boy 2: “Dude, if you ever get that crazy I’ll be forced to kill you.”

Girl: “I think that bear has a diamond watch on.”

Boy: “I wanna know where that guy went to school.”

Boy 2: “Dude…stop it.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so about 45 minutes later the classroom starts to clear out. Rufus goes inside and picks up mr. jingles)

Rufus: “How was class today?”

Mr. Jingles: “……………”

Rufus: “You better be learning stuff! I don’t trust Vergil to be the manager of that store much longer! He keeps breaking stuff! I almost broke my neck on a broken pencil the other day! He had pieces of it lying all over the floor!”

Mr. Jingles: “………”

Rufus: “Yeah, yeah. Now let’s go. Zell’s waiting for us.”

(rufus and mr. jingles leave. The two boys and the girl from earlier watch in amazement)

Girl: “…That guy had diamonds on his *shoes*…”

Boy: “If I could be as rich as that guy, I’d gladly be crazy.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back to the ramble room, rufus brings mr. jingles out back to where zell has set up a blanket and the kid’s tea set on the back lawn. Mr. jingles is now wearing a lacy shirt and black pants. He has on a straw hat with a black band around it. Rufus has a derby hat on. He goes over to where zell is and places mr. jingles down. Zell is wearing a sombrero)

Rufus: “That’s your hat?”

Zell: “Yeah! Do you like it?”

Rufus: “…It’s not a Mexican tea party.”

Zell: “If it was we’d probably have a piñata.”

(rufus sits down and zell starts to pour the pretend tea)

Zell: “How did Mr. Jingles’ class go?”

Rufus: “Good, I guess. I think he has a photographic memory because he never wants to take any notes.”

Zell: “…Oh.”

Rufus: “That must mean he’s the smartest in the class. That’s also probably why the teacher never makes him take the tests.”

Zell: “Uh, right.”

(then the music from rufus’ parade in ff7 starts to play. Rufus looks annoyed and reaches into his pocket for his cell phone)

Rufus: “They *know* this is my tea time!” *answers it* “Hello? …No. …No! How hard is it to tell him no? …Do you have a back bone? Any back bone at all? I know stuffed animals with more of a back bone than you’ve got!” *annoyed sigh* “Hold on.” *to zell* “I have to take this. Do me a favor and take Mr. Jingles inside when tea is over.” *back to phone* “You still there? Good, because I’m not through yelling yet!”

(and so rufus walks away, and zell slumps down looking downcast.)

Zell: “…This is kind of pointless without Rufus.”

Mr. Jingles: “…………………”

Zell: “…Let’s go inside.”

(so he packs up the tea party and takes mr. jingles inside. There he runs into franswa)

Franswa: “There you are, Zell! I’ve been looking all over for you!” *blink blink* “Why are you wearing a sombrero?”

Zell: *quickly takes it off* “Long story. What’s up?”

Franswa: “I wanted to know if you wanted to come to afternoon tea. I made it for my family, but they all fell asleep watching The People’s Court, and I don’t want it to go to waste.”

Zell: “Real tea? Score! Just let me put down Mr. Jingles.”

(he runs into the empty TV room and puts him on the couch. Then he hurries back over to franswa)

Zell: “How did Hugh’s waffles turn out?”

Franswa: “Yeah, I really don’t want to talk about that.”

(they leave. A few minutes later sephiroth comes into the room holding the magic 8 ball. He plops down on the couch not noticing mr. jingles. He starts to shake the magic 8 ball)

Sephiroth: “Does Vincent still lo– Ack!” *spots mr. jingles* “Who the hell just left their toy lying around?!” *sigh* “I can’t believe I got the crap scared out of me by a stupid stuffed bear.” *mutters* “Like he knows what I’m talking about.” *looks at mr. jingles* “I bet if you could talk you’d have lots of secrets to tell.”

(then rufus comes in looking frantic)

Rufus: “Where’s Mr. Jingles?!”

Sephiroth: “He’s right here, Shinra.”

Rufus: “Dammit! I’m going to give Zell a talking to!” *scoops him up* “And look! He’s not even changed! Now I have to take him to my meeting like this! Great!”

Sephiroth: “Oh who cares.”

Rufus: “For your information, Mr. Jingles likes to change his outfit for every occasion!”

Sephiroth: “That’s only because you’re bored.”

Rufus: “That’s not true! Now I’ve got to get to my meeting.” *sees 8 ball* “Have fun with your toy.” *starts to leave*

Sephiroth: *calls after him* “Look who’s talking!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so rufus goes to the video game therapy center for his meeting. As usual he’s wearing the hoodie sweatshirt with the hood up over his head. The usual gang is there, except this time koudelka is sitting there as well.)

Koudelka: “Okay, I’m really just here to collect your monthly dues, but since I’m here I figured I might as well lead the discussion. And you all better have your money, *Bowser*.”

Bowser: “What?! You try providing for seven kids and see how you like it!”

Dedede: “I thought you had eight kids.” *quack*

Bowser: *throws hands in the air* “I keep losing track!”

Koudelka: “Whatever. No one cares about your problems.” *pause* “Well, money problems. You kind of pay me to care about your other problems.”

Everyone: “…………”

Koudelka: *upbeat* “Okay! So who wants to start? Nightmare! How about you?”

Nightmare: “Well, Nightmare still been getting forced into random fights a lot. Nightmare wishes Raphael would get himself and his creepy daughter sorted out already. But Nightmare has found a way to lessen his stress!”

Nemesis: *nodding enthusiastically* “STARS!”

Koudelka: *grimaces* “…If you two are doing it, I don’t even wanna know.”

Nightmare: *getting up* “Nightmare has found a way to express himself through interpretative dance!” *starts dancing like a ballerina*

Everyone but Nemesis: *jaw drops*

Nemesis: *claps*

Koudelka: “Oh god make it stop! Sit down!”

(nightmare stops dancing and sits down)

Liquid Snake: “I don’t pay to come here to watch your ugly ass pretend to dance.”

Nightmare: “Nightmare is offended by your callous comments!”

Koudelka: “Knock it off. Let’s get back on track. Now that Nightmare’s disgusted everyone, who wants to go next?”

Berserk: “Well, I’ve been watching the Lifetime network! I thought that would help me get in touch with my more feminine side.”

Koudelka: “Where did you get that idea?”

Berserk: “A few days ago I just randomly broke down the wall of this house and that’s what channel was on TV.”

Koudelka: “Nice. So is it helping?”

Berserk: “Well, most of the TV shows involve women getting beat up, so no…not really.”

Koudelka: “Fantastic. And what about you, Mr. *Shinro*.”

Rufus: “I’m actually going by Mr. X now. And my bear is Mr. J.”

Koudelka: *rolls eyes* “Okay. Well, what’s new with you?”

Rufus: “Well…I kind of have this problem. I like this girl, but she works for me. And I think it’s bad to get involved with your employees, even though my employees get involved with each other and I’ve got the sickening video tape to prove it. Also, she has a kid by this guy I know, who is also one of my employees. But he’s actually married to another guy, who’s also my employee, and he didn’t even know that she was pregnant. She had herself artificially inseminated because this other crazy guy who works for me had that first guy’s sperm and she bought some from him. But anyway, he knows the baby is his and everything and that’s all fine, but even though he’s gay I’m kind of worried that this guy will get mad at me for being with the mother of his kid, even though he didn’t plan on having the kid in the first place.”

Koudelka: *blink blink* “What kind of soap opera are you living in?”

(then all of the sudden the door opens and raphael from soul caliber prances in, rapier drawn)

Raphael: “Nightmare! I have come to challenge you!”

Koudelka: *gets up* “I don’t think so!” *stalks over to him* “Everyone meet me at the reception desk! No one leaves without paying!” *grabs raphael by the collar* “I should start collecting fines for trespassing!”

(she leaves. Rufus gets up and looks at mr. jingles)

Rufus: “Well, that didn’t last long. I hope you didn’t get too bored.”

Mr. Jingles: “………………………”

Rufus: “Don’t worry, I will change your outfit as soon as we get home.”

Liquid Snake: *gives him a weird look*

Rufus: “What the hell are you looking at!? You’re a genetic experiment gone wrong!”

Liquid Snake: *looks angry a minute but then his face crumbles and he runs out crying*

Rufus: *smiles* “I love being me.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so rufus goes to work at this point. And he has a small trunk with him. He goes into his office, sets mr. jingles down and opens up a closet. He then proceeds to pull out an elaborate set like you would use for a puppet show. Having done that he goes over to his desk and hits a button on his phone.)

Rufus: “Turks! Get in here on the double! We have an emergency situation!”

(two seconds later all the turks run in, weapons drawn.)

Tseng: “What’s the emergency?!”

Rufus: “The emergency is that Mr. Jingles has been working on some changes for his one man play and he needs to test them out on an audience!”

Turks: *groan*

Reno: “Screw this. I’m goin’ back to get drunk.”

Rufus: *presses a button on his desk* “Now you’re locked in.”

Turks: *groan*

Tseng: “Rufus, come on. Don’t you have any *real* work for us to do?”

Rude: “Yeah.”

Rufus: “Nonsense! Helping Mr. Jingles *is* real work! Now stop complaining and sit down.”

Reno: *goes to sit in a chair*

Rufus: “Uh, no. Mr. Jingles now prefers his audience sit on the floor.”

Reno: *mutters to himself* “I would prefer Mr. Jingles go back to the toy store.”

(and so all the turks sit on the floor not looking the least bit amused. Rufus goes behind the set with mr. jingles. Seconds later he props mr. jingles up. He’s now dressed in a colorful outfit with a fancy mask. Then there’s the sound of a button being depressed on something and ‘the final countdown’ by europe starts to play. Everyone can clearly see rufus’ hands reach up and move mr. jingles. And he makes mr. jingles dance to the whole song. When it’s over, the song still plays but softer. Rufus quickly pulls mr. jingles down and he reappears seconds later wearing an astronaut outfit. He acts out a scene with mr. jingles, but because there’s no talking and the movement of the stuffed bear is pretty limited, it’s quite hard to tell what’s going on. When the astronaut scene ends rufus changes mr. jingles into a male cheerleader outfit and acts out another scene. And this repeats with mr. jingles in a farmer outfit, an elvis outfit, a honeybee outfit and a tree outfit. By the end all of the turks look really bored. Finally rufus makes mr. jingles take his bows. The turks all boredly clap. Then rufus comes out from behind the set smiling)

Rufus: “So! What did you think?”

Reno: “I think you just want an excuse to show off all Mr. Jingles’ outfits.”

Rufus: *frowns* “You’re fired. For ten seconds.”

Reno: “Ten seconds!? Why bother!”

Rufus: “Rude, what did you think of the play?”

Rude: “Uh…”

Rufus: “Tell me what I wanna hear, Rude.”

Rude: “It was fantastic. Tony award winning.”

Rufus: *frowns* “Don’t lie to me, Rude!”

Tseng: “You just told him to tell you what you *wanted* to hear.”

Rufus: “But he should have been honest! Because he should have enjoyed it!”

Reno: “I think you should be forced to watch your own play.”

Rufus: “What do you have to say about it, Elena?”

Elena: “Well…you certainly…are very creative!”

Rufus: “See! Now that’s what I want to hear!”

Elena: *blushes*

Tseng: *rolls eyes* “Can we leave now?”

Rufus: *frowns* “No. Now Mr. Jingles wants to be entertained. And you will entertain him.”

Tseng: “I don’t think that’s very fair considering he didn’t do a very good job of entertaining us.”

Rufus: “You’re on thin ice with me, Tseng! Keep going like that and you’ll end up like Reno!”

Reno: “I think my being fired expired like two minutes ago.”

(but rufus ignores him. He goes over to the stereo system and puts something in. music starts to play. It’s bohemian rhapsody. But there are no lyrics.)

Rufus: “Sing!”

Tseng: “What?”

Rufus: “Sing the song!”

Rude: “…This has no lyrics.”

Rufus: “So?! You should know the words!”

Reno: “Make Elena do it.”

Elena: “What?!”

Rufus: “No, she doesn’t have to! Just you three bums! Sing it! You’re not leaving this office until you sing the song for Mr. Jingles! Now I’m starting it over!”

(he hits back on the CD player and the song starts over again. The turks all look at each other)

Rude: “…I don’t wanna do this.”

Reno: “Dude, I wanna get out of here. Do it.”

Tseng: *sigh* “This is so stupid.”

Reno: “Look, we’ll just switch off lines, okay?”

Rude: “Do you even know the words, Reno?”

Reno: “…I’ll get through it.”

Rufus: “The beginning is a cappella! Go!”

Tseng: *sings* “It this the real life? Is this just fantasy?”

Rude: *sings* “Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.”

Reno: *sings* “Uh, open your eyes…I wish I was high and free–“

Rufus: *yells* “Sing it right, Reno!”

Tseng: *sings* “I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy.”

Rude: *sings* “Because I’m easy come, easy go.”

Reno: *sings* “A little high, little low.”

Tseng: *sings* “Any way the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me… To me…”

Rude: *sings* “Mama… Just killed a man… Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he’s dead.”

Reno: *sings* “Mama! Life just weighs a ton!”

Rufus: “RENO!”

Reno: *sings* “But now I’ve gone and f***ed it all to hell!”

Rufus: “RENO!”

Tseng: *sings* “Mama! Oooooooooooh! Didn’t mean to make you cry!”

Rude: *sings* “If I’m not back again this time tomorrow… Carry on, carry on.”

Reno: *sings* “‘Cause nothin’ really matters.”

Rufus: “Better, but still not right!”

Tseng: *sings* “Too late… My life has come…”

Rude: *sings* “Sends shivers down my spine.”

Reno: *sings* “Rufus sucks all of the time.”

Rufus: “RENO!”

Tseng: *sings* “Good-bye everybody. I’ve got to go!”

Rude: *sings* “Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.”

Reno: *sings* “MAMA! Ooooooooooh!”

Tseng and Rude: *sing softly* “Any way the wind blows…”

Reno: *sings* “I don’t wanna die! I sometimes wish I didn’t work for Rufus at all!”

(short musical break)

Rufus: “Reno! Sing the song right!”

Reno: “What? I’m being creative!”

(break over)

Tseng: *sings* “I see a little silhouetto of a man!”

Rude: *sings* “Scaramouche! Scaramouche will you do the fandango?”

Reno: *sings* “Moviefone is frightening! Very, very frightening yes!”

Tseng: *sings* “Galileo!”

Rude: *sings* “Galileo!”

Reno: *sings* “Galexieo?”

Tseng: *sings* “*Galileo*.”

Rude: *sings* “Galileo figaro – Magifico…”

Reno: *sings* “I don’t know the words, so I make up new ones.”

Tseng: *sings* “He doesn’t know the words so he makes up new ones!”

Rufus: “Tseng, don’t play his game!”

Rude: *sings* “Spare him his life from this monstrosity!”

Reno: *sings* “Easy come, easy go, Rufus let me go!”

Tseng: *sings* “Bismillah–“

Rufus: *sings* “No! I will not let you go!”

Rude and Tseng: *sings* “Let him go!”

Reno: *sings* “Oh, Rufus!”

Rufus: *sings* “I will not let you go.”

Rude and Tseng: *sings* “Let him go!”

Reno: *sings* “Oh, Rufus!”

Rufus: *sings* “I will not let you go!”

Reno: *sings* “Let me go!”

Rufus: *sings* “Will not let you go.”

Reno: *sings* “Let me go!”

Rufus: *sings* “Will not let you go!”

Reno: *sings* “Let me go!”

Tseng and Rude: *sing* “No, no, no, no, no, no, no!”

Reno: *sings* “Oh Rufusia, Rufusia, Rufusia let me go!”

Tseng and Rude: *sings* “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me–“

Reno: *sings really off key* “FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Everyone else: *winces*

Rufus: “God, you can’t sing!”

Reno: *sings* “So you think you can trap me and leave me to die! So you think you can boss me and make me eat pie! Oh, Rufus! Can’t do this to me Rufus! Just gotta get out, just gotta get right out of here!”

(musical break)

Rufus: “You’re not funny!”

(break over, back to the song)

Tseng: *sings* “Nothing really matters…”

Rude: *sings* “Anyone can see…”

Reno: *sings* “Nothing really matters… Nothing really matters to me!”

All three: *sing* “Any way the wind blows…”

(and with that the song is over. Rufus is frowning)

Rufus: “Well, that was pretty crappy. And I forgot how badly Reno sings.”

Reno: “It can’t be that bad if you forgot!”

Rufus: “Whatever.” *pushes button on desk* “You can go.”

Reno: “Thank god!”

Rude: “I’m going to eat my lunch.”

Tseng: “I thought all you brought for lunch was the free crackers you stole from the cafeteria.”

Rude: *frowns* “Way to remind me.”

(the three guys leave. Elena stays behind)

Elena: “Well…that was certainly interesting.”

Rufus: “It always is with Reno.”

Both: “…………”

Rufus: “So, uh, do you need anything from me?”

Elena: “Oh, no!” *blushes* “I just…wanted to congratulate Mr. Jingles on a great play again!”

(they both walk over to where mr. jingles is sitting on rufus’ desk)

Rufus: “Oh! Well, Mr. Jingles doesn’t usually like to greet fans when he’s still in costume, but he’ll make an exception for you.” *smiles*

(they both smile at each other, and before they know it they’re both leaning forward and then they kiss very quickly. Then they pull apart slightly, look at each other, and then wrap their arms around one another, kissing deeply. This lasts quite a awhile. Finally they pull apart, both looking embarrassed. Elena is blushing a lot)

Rufus: “Uh…”

Elena: “Oh! Um, I better get back to work! I’ll see you later, President Rufus!”

(she rushes out. Rufus looks stunned for a moment and he stands there staring after her. He then looks down at mr. jingles)

Rufus: “What? Don’t look at me like that, Mr. Jingles!”

Mr. Jingles: “………………”

Rufus: “And don’t get jealous! It just…can’t happen!”

(he goes and sits down at his desk. He sits there thinking a moment, and the reached out, turning around mr. jingles so the bear is facing him again)

Rufus: “…Can it?”

THE END