#173 – Tag Sale of Horrors

Algus: “I’m not running a charity organization here. If you don’t want to pay a fair price for my used undergarments, no noble is holding a gun to your head.”

Originally Published: 5/6/06 . 29 pages

Synopsis
Everyone on the block is having a tag sale and getting rid of their junk. Rufus is selling stuff he can’t even get rid of from his discount center, Dante is selling Lloyd’s stuff, and everyone seems to be selling stuff Sephiroth gave them! Will the sale be a success?

Ramble Milestones
-Chris moves in with Dante.

This one is a hodge podge with a lot of good stuff crammed in. The “room” Rufus sells that no one can get in is from ‘Some Porn Can Be Bad’. I had a hard time thinking up a tile for this one and I don’t love the result.

(we open in the ramble room, where lark is heading towards the pool, holding a towel and wearing her bathing suit. She passes rufus, who does a double take when he sees her)

Lark: “Hi, Rufus!”

Rufus: “Uh, hi, Lark. Going in the pool?”

Lark: “Yup!”

Rufus: “Um, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

Lark: “Why?” *frowns* “Is Hojo swimming naked again?”

Rufus: “No. I mean yes. Yes he is. What a freak of nature he is!”

Lark: “Rufus…are you lying to me?”

Rufus: *big smile* “I would never lie to you, Lark.”

Lark: *suspiciously* “What’s *really* wrong with the pool?”

Rufus: “Nothing! Just Heidegger swimming naked. Which is pretty wrong all by itself.”

Lark: “…I thought it was Hojo.”

Rufus: “Uh, yeah. It’s both of them actually. Double the disgusting.”

Lark: “Uh huh.” *keeps walking*

Rufus: “Wait, Lark!”

(but it’s too late. Lark opens the doors to the pool area and gasps in shock. And it’s not because hojo and heidegger are swimming naked in the pool. It’s because there are boxes and boxes of stuff stacked in the pool area. Each one is labelled with someone’s name.)

Lark: “What the hell is this?! Who turned my pool into a storage unit?”

Rufus: *trying to sneak out the door*

Lark: “Rufus J. Shinra! Do you have anything to do with this?”

Rufus: “Well, no one really uses the pool! And people needed a place to store their extra stuff! Besides, you can still use the pool!”

Lark: “I can’t even *see* the pool!”

Rufus: “Well it’s still there!”

Lark: “And how much are you charging for this?”

Rufus: “Only 5 dollars a box! It’s practically charity!”

Lark: *gives him a look*

Rufus: “Okay, 50 dollars a box. But they’re still getting a deal!”

Lark: “Well this cannot go on. This is the pool area, not a storage unit! Everyone’s going to have to get rid of these boxes!” *lightbulb* “I know! We can have a big tag sale! That way everyone can get rid of the stuff they don’t want!”

Rufus: “But Lark! I was pulling in 10,000 dollars a month with this scheme!”

Lark: “Rufus…please. That’s like half a penny to you. Plus you can earn some money at the tag sale.”

Rufus: “I better. Because that money was going towards Mr. Jingles’ new hot tub house. And he won’t be pleased if it’s not completed on time!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(so we won’t waste any time, and the day of the tag sale comes. It’s a rather overcast day. Everyone is finishing setting up their tables while lark and sephiroth watch)

Lark: “You’re not selling anything, Sephy?”

Sephiroth: “What am I going to sell? I’m not a glutton for possessions, like *some* people.” *points to shell’s table*

Shell: “These are all the gifts that failed, Rude. Now hopefully you can use the money we make from selling this junk to buy me something that’s actually nice.”

Rude: “Every time we sell something I’ll die a little inside, Shell.”

(back to lark and sephiroth)

Lark: “…True. Possessions not related to your hair anyway.”

Sephiroth: “You keep my hair out of this.”

Lark: “Well, I better help Brady finish setting up our table.”

(she goes over to where Brady is setting up a table. Lark takes some things out of a box and starts putting them out)

Sephiroth: “Hey! What the hell is this?!”

Lark: *blink blink* “What?”

Sephiroth: “I gave you all this stuff when we were going out!”

Lark: “Yeah…so what? We’re not going out anymore.”

Sephiroth: “But I still touched that stuff!”

Lark: *blink blink* “And that means something to me…why?”

Sephiroth: “I don’t believe you! You don’t see Vincent selling the stuff I gave him!” *pause* “Well, why would he. Even the memory of me probably helps to keep the old men smell out of the room.”

Auron: “I can hear you.”

Sephiroth: “I was counting on it!”

Lark: “Sephiroth, you’re being ridiculous!”

Sephiroth: “Okay, fine. Vincent’s a bad example. But you don’t see Alucard selling all the stuff I gave him!”

Lark: *looks at alucards’ table* “Actually…”

Sephiroth: “WHAT?!”

(and so he stalks over to alucard’s table, which mostly looks like a medieval torture museum. Dracula is still dragging things out of the house. Alucard is putting out some weird mirror thing)

Sephiroth: “What the hell is this?!”

Alucard: “I think it’s just a weird old mirror. …That’s what I’m hoping it is anyway.”

Sephiroth: “No, not the mirror! All this! I gave you all this stuff!”

Alucard: “Yes and…?”

Sephiroth: “And you shouldn’t be selling it at a tag sale!”

Alucard: “Why? We aren’t together anymore.”

Sephiroth: “But it’s the principle!”

Alucard: “What principle? The principle that you don’t want me to sell it?”

Sephiroth: “You should at least give them back to me if you don’t want them!”

Alucard: “I don’t have to do that. They were gifts.”

Sephiroth: “Fine! You wanna play that game? I can play it too!”

(and with that he stomps off. Dracula finally comes over dragging this horrible looking torture device)

Dracula: “Alucard, was that young woman selling Avon products? Because I think I could use some of that spray on tan stuff.”

Alucard: “No, dad.”

Dracula: “Oh well! Here’s the last piece of equipment from the basement!”

Alucard: “…Dad, you can’t sell that.”

Dracula: “Oh, it’s fine!”

Alucard: “Dad. There’s a body on it.”

Body: “Help me!”

Alucard: “Dad, the body is alive.”

Dracula: “Oh, that’s easy to fix, Alucard!” *bares fangs*

Alucard: “No, dad! Now let him go.”

Dracula: “But Alucard, this was my afternoon snack!”

Alucard: “Dad…”

(meanwhile, at a table nearby, chris redfield is putting some stuff out as is dante. But his selection of items is rather weird…)

Chris: “Thanks for letting me share your table. I’m saving for my trip to Europe.”

Dante: “I know.”

Chris: *putting out ink ribbons and first aid sprays* “I have a lot of this stuff laying around. Even if I only sell them for a dollar each, I’ll be a little bit closer to fighting Umbrella!”

Dante: “Yeah. I know.”

Lloyd: *comes over* “Hey, Dante. What kind of loser things are you–” *gasp* “My stuff! You can’t sell my stuff! That’s my stuff!”

Dante: “Sorry, Lloyd. But your collection of Cherry Merry Muffin dolls, Cracker Jack prizes and Magic the Gathering cards are being sold for the back rent you owe me.”

Lloyd: “It’s *Vergil*, you asshole! It took me forever to get all those Cracker Jack prizes!”

Dante: “This stuff is such crap I’ll be lucky to get a penny for it.”

Lloyd: “And you can’t sell my Magic the Gathering cards! I was state champion!”

Dante: “You’re champion of nothing. You never played anyone else. Not once.”

Lloyd: “Shut up! I played that one guy that time!”

Dante: “That guy was homeless. And he didn’t have any cards.”

Lloyd: “F$%k you, Dante! I’ll get you for this!”

(he stomps back into the house. meanwhile, rufus and algus have tables next to one another and there is a bunch of merchandise laying on them. rufus has mostly stuff from the disco-center marked very, very cheap. Algus has a bunch of expensive looking stuff that is clearly well used. zidane is with him. reno, tseng, elena and reeve are with rufus.)

Zidane: *looking over algus’ stuff* “No one is going to buy this stuff.”

Algus: “Of course you think that. You’re a simple peasant! You have no taste nor any concept of value.”

Zidane: “No… No one is going to buy this stuff because your prices are ridiculous. No one is going to pay 100 bucks for your used hairbrush. I bet you didn’t even pay that much for it when you bought it.”

Algus: “Of course not! But I touched it, so the value goes up!”

Zidane: *mumbles* “If that’s the case, the value should go down since your cooties are on it.”

Rufus: “Algus is just being optimistic! There’s nothing wrong with that! I, however, am just looking to clear out some of the Disco-Center stock.” *mutters* “Maybe that’ll cut down on the fires.”

Reno: “Why do I have to be here again?”

Rufus: “To sell my crap! I mean stuff!”

Reeve: “No, you meant crap.”

Reno: “Yeah, but don’t you have those creepy, scary guys to do that for you now?”

Rufus: “Someone has to be at the store!”

Elena: “Ugh. I don’t even want to imagine what’s going on in that store right now.”

(flash to the store, which is totally empty. nightmare and nemesis are dancing around with mops.)

Nightmare: *sings* “Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match! Find me a find! Catch me a catch!” *says* “Nightmare loves musicals!”

Nemesis: *two thumbs up* “STARS!”

(back to the yard sale)

Rufus: “I like to imagine they’re working hard!” *eyes narrow* “They better be!”

Reno: “Can I sell booze?”

Rufus: “No!”

Tseng: “Rufus, the table’s on fire.”

Rufus: “Dammit!”

(meanwhile, customers are starting to arrive. sephiroth comes out of the house with a table and a box of stuff. he quickly starts to set it up while lark, vincent and alucard watch. sure enough everything he’s putting on the table was a gift from them.)

Sephiroth: “See! I can sell gifts from my exes too! It’s not hard!” *pulls out a worn and familiar ring* “Uh…how’d that get in here? Piece of junk.” *quickly pockets it*

Vincent: *smiles a little*

Auron: *glowers*

(speaking of coming out of houses with a box, lloyd does that as well, plopping his box down in front of a tree. the box is filled with dante’s shirts, which he starts to hang on the tree)

Lloyd: “See, Dante! Two can play at this game!”

Dante: “That’s all last season’s stuff, Lloyd. I don’t wear any of that anymore.”

Lloyd: *chin trembles* “B-but…shut up, Dante! It’s Vergil! And I’m selling it anyway! Because it’s yours! And you suck!”

Dante: “You’re only embarrassing yourself.”

(meanwhile, over at the losers, hojo has a table of all kinds of disgusting stuff. heidegger has a table of baked goods and scarlet has an empty table.)

Nida: “What the hell are you selling, Scarlet? There’s nothing on your table!”

Heidegger: “Herself! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, Heidegger!”

Kuja: “Guess business was too slow at the street corner.”

Scarlet: “Business was fine!”

Hojo: “Quiet! All of you! You’re driving away customers!”

Seymour: “What customers? I think that dead body you have on display there is scaring everyone away.”

Hojo: “That’s not just any dead body! That’s one of the licky licky monsters! I’ve had it preserved ever since Rufus stepped on it!”

Everyone else: “Ewwww!”

Kuja: “I don’t know how you can put that thing next to the candy.”

Hojo: “That’s for the little boys.”

Kuja: “Of course it is.”

(meanwhile, the belmonts have a table full of vampire repelling items, and franswa has a table of baked goods)

Franswa: “I don’t believe this! I thought I was going to be the only one with baked goods! But that fat guy has them too!”

Richter: “Relax, Franswa! You’re a Belmont! I’m sure yours are far better!”

Tifa: “Plus that’s Heidegger. He’ll probably eat most of them himself by the end of the first hour.”

Trevor: “I can’t believe those vampires dared to show their demon faces!”

Hugh: “Yeah!”

Simon: “Look at all the devil tools they’re trying to pawn off on unsuspecting innocents!”

Hugh: “Yeah!”

Juste: “Good thing we have plenty of holy water for everyone!”

Hugh: “Yeah!”

Richter: “Stop trying so hard, Hugh.”

(next we have laguna who has a table full of baby stuff. squall, kiros and ward are with him)

Laguna: “Look at all this old stuff I found in the attic, Squall! You’re not a baby anymore, so it’s kinda pointless to keep it, but look at all the memories!”

Kiros: “Ward says he’s surprised there’s anything inside your head besides emptiness.”

Ward: *sigh*

Laguna: “Look at this cute little pink dress! You looked so cute in it, Squall!”

Squall: *annoyed sigh* “None of that stuff is mine, dad. It’s Ellone’s. You never raised me, remember? I got dumped in an orphanage.”

Laguna: *frowns* “Oh. Well, I guess I should unpack the other stuff I brought to sell!” *puts a box on the table that says ‘important work stuff’*

Squall and Ward: *hit themselves in the forehead*

Kiros: “Ward is wondering if you ever learned to read.”

Laguna: “Of course I did, Ward! I couldn’t be President if I couldn’t read!” *looks in box* “Hey…what does con-fid-ential mean?”

(jack, cecilia and hanpan have a table full of the same item. a customer comes over and starts to look at it in confusion)

Customer: “What is this stuff?”

Cecilia: “They’re MP Breakers!”

Jack: “Only 999,999 gella each! A bargain!”

Customer: “And this is all you have?”

Cecilia and Jack: *frown* “Yeah…”

Cecillia: “We got lost wandering around Adelhyde.”

Jack: “Yeah, because *someone* refused to ask for directions.” *looks at hanpan*

Hanpan: “You weren’t jumping at the chance either, hot shot!”

Cecilia: “Um, our customer left.”

(back over at dracula and alucard’s table…there are some customers there…)

Customer: “Uh…is that a coffin?”

Dracula: “It sure is! I haven’t slept in one like that in years! I think it’s empty…”

(he opens it and it’s not empty. a skeleton pops out. the customer goes pale and faints. dracula laughs)

Dracula: *chuckles* “Oh right! Ted! I forgot about you!” *looks down at the fainted person* “Uh oh! Alucard! This blood fountain fainted!” *pokes her with his foot* “Blood fountain? Blood fountain?”

Alucard: “Dad, stop calling our customers blood fountains.”

Dracula: “Look, Alucard! It’s Ted! Remember? He used to live next door to us!”

Alucard: *paling* “You told me Ted moved away…”

Dracula: “I say a lot of stuff, Alucard!”

(meanwhile, at sephiroth’s table…)

Customer: “How much for the bat print pajama pants?”

Sephiroth: *looking them over* “Uh…well…these are still in good condition…and I *do* wear them…” *snatches it away* “Never mind. They’re not for sale.”

Customer: “Well what about this sword display shelf?”

Sephiroth: “Oh yeah, Lark gave me that… If I get rid of it…I’ll have to buy something new to hang my collection on…” *snatches it back* “Never mind. That’s not for sale either.”

Customer: “Is *any* of this stuff for sale?”

Sephiroth: “You question me again, and your head will be for sale!”

(back to algus and rufus)

Customer: “A thousand dollars for *this*?”

Algus: “I’m not running a charity organization here. If you don’t want to pay a fair price for my used undergarments, no noble is holding a gun to your head.”

Customer: “You’re crazy.”

Algus: “How dare you insult me! Zidane – escort him away!”

Zidane: *mutters* “I’ve been escorting people away all morning.”

(but zidane does lead the person away…meanwhile at rufus’ table…)

Customer: “Wow! Only 5 cents for this cologne?”

Rufus: “It’s quite a bargain, isn’t it? Just…don’t smell it before you buy it.”

Tseng: *looking at an unconscious reno* “Like Reno did.”

Elena: “Are you sure we shouldn’t call an ambulance?”

Rufus: *snaps* “He’ll be fine!”

Customer: *grimaces* “Ugh!” *walks away*

Rufus: “Dammit! That’s the fifth customer Reno’s passed out body has cost me!”

Reeve: “Rufus, why don’t you just throw this stuff out? Is the five cents really worth it?”

Rufus: “You bet it is! You’re supposed to be smart, Reeve! Don’t you know how expensive it is to dispose of toxic chemicals?”

(meanwhile, zell is at a table where he is selling a bunch of comics. some kids are looking at them)

Kid 1: “Ew! These are sticky!”

Zell: “Yeah, I spilled soda on most of them. But you can still make out the words!”

Kid 2: “This one has orange stuff all over it!”

Zell: “Those are cheetos!” *pause* “Mmm… I wish I had a bag of those right now…”

(meanwhile, at the belmont table, the belmonts are all staring with the weirdest looks at their new customer…dracula…)

Dracula: “Ooh! All of this stuff is so nice! It would look great hanging in my castle!” *picks up a cross and his hand starts melting* “Alucard! Buy me this!”

Alucard: *runs over* “Dad! Put that down!” *knocks it out of his hand* “Ow!” *grabs his now burnt hand*

Dracula: “But Alucard! It would look great hanging in the den!”

Alucard: “Dad! Your hand is melted off! You can’t touch holy artifacts! Remember?”

Dracula: *looks at where his hand was* “Oh! I was wondering why my hand suddenly went numb!”

(alucard leads dracula back to their tables)

Trevor: “Damnation. We almost watched him destroy himself!”

Hugh: “We should have thrown holy water on him!”

Richter: “A real vampire hunter would have remembered that sooner!”

Franswa: “You didn’t.”

Richter: “You stay out of this, Franswa!”

(meanwhile, back over to chris, dante and lloyd)

Customer: “How well do these first aid sprays work?”

Chris: “They work all right, if you don’t have too many zombie bites.”

Customer: “What?”

Customer 2: *looking at dante’s stuff* “Wow! Magic the Gathering cards! I haven’t seen these in years!”

Dante: “You can have all of them for twenty bucks.”

Customer 2: “Sold!” *pays and leaves*

Dante: *waves the money in front of lloyd* “Look, Lloyd! Your crap is worth something.”

Lloyd: “It’s Vergil! And I paid hundreds of dollars for those cards, Dante! You’re gonna pay!”

(meanwhile, solid snake is just standing there with a sign that says ‘4 million dollars’ on it. a customer comes by and looks at him in confusion)

Customer: “Four million? What costs four million?”

Snake: “Government secrets.”

Customer: “Government secrets? You’re selling government secrets?”

(snake then springs into action, grabbing the man in a headlock. he struggles of course but snake is too strong)

Snake: “Otakon! Come in Otakon! I have a terrorist! Repeat – I have a terrorist!”

Voice: “Snake, stop it! How do you keep getting this number?!”

(meanwhile, lark and Brady have sold a few items, but they’re mostly watching sephiroth.)

Sephiroth: “You want to buy those boots? Well…I only wore those a few times…and they do fit pretty well…” *snatches them back* “Never mind. They’re not for sale.”

Brady: “…Has he sold *anything*?”

Lark: “No.”

Brady: “He’s running out of stuff on his table.”

Lark: “Whatever game he was trying to play he’s losing.”

Brady: “I guess he’s just really attached to that stuff.”

Lark: “No. He’s just so cheap he can’t stand to get rid of anything that still has a use.”

Brady: *blink blink* “Are you serious?”

Lark: “The guy is loaded. I saw his bank account. But he cries poor all the time because he doesn’t like to spend anything. He’s like one of those old people who is really a millionaire but shops at the dollar store and argues over a two cent discount.”

Brady: “Wow. I never would have thought of him like that.”

Lark: “Not many people do.”

(back to rufus, tseng drives up with a big forklift that has on it the ‘protection chamber’ rufus tried to hide himself in in ‘some porn can be bad’.)

Reeve: “No one is going to buy that thing. What are they going to do with it?”

Rufus: “Someone will find something to do with it. They better. It cost me 1.4 million dollars!”

Elena: “What happened to the book that told you how to get in?”

Rufus: “…I left it inside.”

Algus: “Rufus, your slave is still passed out from the cologne.”

Rufus: *looks down at reno* “He’s twitching now. That’s a good sign.”

Zidane: “Algus, you haven’t sold a thing and I’m sick of escorting people away for offending you. Can I go take a break?”

Algus: “Very well, slave. But only if you return with a beverage for me.”

Zidane: *sigh* “Fine!” *he goes off*

(back to the losers…there’s a customer looking over heidegger’s baked good)

Heidegger: “I tasted all the batter! Gya haa haa!”

Customer: “There’s a bite taken out of this brownie!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Half off!”

Customer: “Ew!” *leaves*

Nida: “Wow, Heidegger! You’re scaring them off faster than Scarlet!”

Scarlet: “Hey! I had two semi-interested looks today!”

Kuja: “They were mostly interested in where you bought such cheap hair dye.”

Seymour: *checks watch* “I’m interested in when this is over.”

(meanwhile, back to lloyd, dante and chris…)

Chris: *frowns* “I’m not really selling much.”

Dante: “Neither am I. But I didn’t expect much from Lloyd’s crap, considering he’s worthless.”

Lloyd: “F#$k you, Dante!”

Chris: “I have to get to Europe soon. I’m living out of my car!”

Dante: “You’re living out of your car?! Why?”

Chris: “To save money! My rent was sky high!”

Dante: “You don’t have to do that! Why don’t you come live with me? If we split the rent three ways, it won’t be so bad. Plus we have more than enough room. You can have Lloyd’s room!”

Chris: “Really?”

Dante: “Yeah. It’ll be nice to have someone who actually contributes and has a decent job around.”

Chris: “That’s very generous of you. I have to accept.”

Dante: *smiles* “Great.” *turns to lloyd* “Hey, Lloyd!”

Lloyd: “It’s *Vergil*, Dante! And go to hell!”

Dante: “You’ve been demoted. Since you can’t pay the rent you don’t get a real room. You get to live in the exercise room.”

Lloyd: “What?!”

Dante: “Chris is going to be moving in with us. And because he can actually pay the rent, because he’s not a total *loser*, he gets your room, and you get the exercise room.”

Lloyd: *frowns* “Are you at least going to take your exercise stuff out of there?”

Dante: “No. You can sleep on the exercise bench.”

Chris: “That’s good, because I sold all my furniture.”

Lloyd: “You’re an asshole, Dante! Where am I supposed to have sex?”

Dante: *starts laughing hysterically, then stops and thinks about it some more and then starts laughing again*

(zidane comes over to a frowning lloyd)

Zidane: “Hey, Vergil… Why are you selling Dante’s shirts?”

Lloyd: “Because he’s a jerk! Now he’s letting his stupid stripper friend move into my room and I have to sleep on the exercise bench!”

Zidane: “You mean you don’t even have a bed anymore?”

Lloyd: “Yeah! Plus he sold my Magic the Gathering cards!”

Zidane: “Yeah… You know what? You’re too much of a loser. Even for me. I can’t do this anymore. Call me if Dante and Alucard ever want to have a threesome.”

(lloyd’s jaw drops as zidane walks away)

Lloyd: “Oh yeah? Well I don’t need you! You’re the loser!” *a shirt blows off the tree and covers his head* “Dammit! Nothing gets away with messing up *my* hair!” *rips it off his head and tries to tear it in half but can’t* “ARGGGH!”

(meanwhile, back at dracula and alucard’s table, dracula is looking at the strange mirror and waving at it.)

Alucard: “Uh, dad? What are you doing?”

Dracula: “I’m waving at the people in the mirror, Alucard!”

Alucard: “That’s your reflection, dad.” *pause* “Wait a minute. You’re a vampire. You don’t have a reflection.”

Dracula: “Don’t be rude, Alucard! Wave to Satan!”

Alucard: *eyes go wide* “Oh no. Is that a portal into hell?”

(sure enough as soon as he speaks he can see hell come into view in the mirror. and sure enough several of the creatures are waving.)

Dracula: “Death used to use this back in the old days before teleportation! Boy, it was crazy times then!”

Alucard: “Dad, put this thing back in the house before someone else sees!”

Dracula: “It looks hot in there, Alucard!”

Customer: “Can I get some help here?”

Alucard: *turns* “Just a minute.”

(he turns back to find dracula has stuck his head in the mirror. alucard gasps and quickly grabs him by the shoulders, pulling him out of there. all the flesh has melted off his head and he looks like a skeleton)

Dracula: “It was even hotter in there than it looks!”

Alucard: “Dad! Look what you did! You burned off all your skin and hair! And you drove our customer away!”

Dracula: “Don’t worry, Alucard! It’ll all grow back! I’ll just wear this halloween mask for now!” *puts on a ninja turtles mask* “See! No one will even be able to tell the difference.”

Alucard: “…I’m not going to waste my breath.”

(meanwhile, back over to laguna, there’s a bunch of people looking over the various file folders he has)

Customer: “Top Secret Esthar Files?”

Customer 2: “Hey, look! There’s more of them over here!”

Customer 3: “Cool! Secret medical experiment files!”

Customer: “How much for this stuff?”

Laguna: “Hey hey! How about a dollar each?”

Customer: *yells* “Hey! This guy is selling government secrets for only a dollar each!”

(tons of people rush over to the table. snake watches, his eyes narrowing)

Snake: “So that’s your game, is it?” *louder* “Otakon! I’m aborting the mission! Repeat! I’m aborting the mission!”

Voice: “And I’m trying to sleep!”

(the customers buy out all the files and leave the table. laguna stands there smiling like an idiot. kiros and ward looked shocked. squall looks annoyed as usual.)

Kiros: “…Ward says he’s speechless.”

Squall: “You should be impeached.”

Laguna: “Well, I like peaches, but not enough to be put in one!”

Squall: *hits himself in the forehead* “I’m still hoping I was switched at birth.”

(back to the losers, none of them have sold anything)

Heidegger: “Total failure! Gya haa haa!”

Seymour: *holding his nose* “And that *corpse* you have there is starting to smell.”

Hojo: “Well it is dripping with many toxic chemicals.”

Nida: “Hey – what’s this thing do?”

Hojo: *turns to stop him* “Stop it! Don’t touch anything!”

(and when he turns back all he can do is stare at the empty place where the licky licky corpse was seconds earlier. because now it is gone. and half of it is sticking out of heidegger’s mouth. hojo turns slowly to look at heidegger in complete horror)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! It’s licking me!”

Everyone: “………………”

Kuja: *staring in shock* “Well…will he die *now*?”

Hojo: *shocked* “All medical science points to yes—“

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Tastes like chicken!”

Hojo: “…But I think we’ve already learned that doesn’t apply to him.”

(meanwhile, back at the belmont table, dracula is over there shopping again. he’s still wearing the ninja turtle mask. the belmonts are all whispering to each other and sneaking jars of holy water off the table. all of their backs are to dracula as they are clearly planning something.)

Dracula: “Ooh! Garlic! That looks yummy! And what are these stakes for?” *picks one up* “These would be great for barbecuing squirrels! Alucard! Can I buy some of these?”

Alucard: *stomps over* “No, dad. And I told you to get away from there!”

Dracula: “But look! They have jars of magic juice!” *points to holy water*

Alucard: “That is not magic juice. Put that stuff down!”

(dracula puts the stuff down and alucard leads him away. just then franswa comes walking by happily with a new tray of brownies)

Franswa: “I sold all my brownies so I had to make more!”

Trevor: “Attack!”

(and all the blemonts turn around throwing water balloons and at what they thought was dracula. but it’s franswa. he’s totally startled and drops the brownies, now soaking wet)

Franswa: “My brownies! What the hell is wrong with you?!”

Richter: “Sorry. We thought you were Dracula.”

Trevor: “He escaped again!”

Juste: “Dammit!”

Simon: “This is all your fault, Hugh!”

Hugh: *hangs head*

Franswa: “You ruined my brownies! And I was doing so well!” *gathers up his ruined brownies and runs of crying*

Richter: “Well, that would have gone well if Franswa hadn’t gotten in the way.”

Elder Belmonts: “Here here!”

(meanwhile, back to sephiroth, he had one thing left on his table, and he’s currently snatching it back from a customer.)

Sephiroth: “Not for sale!”

Lark: *walks over* “How’s it going, Sephy?”

Sephiroth: “Just fine, thank you!”

Lark: “That’s a lot of stuff you have in that box behind you.”

Sephiroth: “Well… Shut up, woman.”

Lark: “Well, at least you got to take your stuff back. Look at Rude.”

(they both look over to where rude almost looks like he’s going to cry as shell sells the last thing off their table)

Shell: “Wow! I can’t believe we got 50 bucks for that piece of junk, Rude!”

Rude: “…I paid a thousand dollars for that…”

Shell: *laughs* “Sure you did, Rude!”

Rude: *chin trembles*

(back to lark and sephiroth)

Sephiroth: “He is a sad, shadow of a man.”

Lark: “Well at least the tag sale seemed successful for everyone else.”

Sephiroth: “Even Alucard. Although I don’t know how he’s managing to sell any of that freak show merchandise.”

(over at alucard’s, he’s trying to talk some lady into buying one of those tables you strap someone to and then pull and pull on their arms and legs to torture them, it’s called the rack.)

Alucard: “It’s really great for getting the kinks out of your back. I used it for a week straight and never felt better.”

Customer: “I’ll give you ten dollars for it.”

Alucard: “Sold!” *she gives him the money and he turns away muttering* “Glad I finally got rid of that thing.”

(then dracula runs over. it seems his skin and hair have finally regenerated, but one thing seems to be missing…)

Dracula: “I sold something, Alucard!”

Alucard: “It better not be that portal to hell, dad. Because I told you to put that back in the house!” *pause* “Dad, where’s your ear?”

Dracula: “I sold this strange fleshy thing I just found lying around. I got 5 dollars for it!”

Alucard: “Dad, did you sell your own ear?”

Dracula: “What, Alucard? I can’t hear you! You’ll have to speak up!”

Alucard: “I don’t believe this.”

Dracula: “That man bought it!” *points over to hojo*

Alucard: *sigh* “I’m so sick of asking for your body parts back.”

(so he walks over to hojo, and dracula follows)

Alucard: “Excuse me, I’m sorry, but I believe my dad just sold you his ear by accident.”

Hojo: “Yes! And I plan to use it well!”

Nida: “You’re a freak!”

Hojo: “Quiet, you!”

Alucard: “I’m…sure you would. But he doesn’t know what he was doing. And he needs it back.”

Dracula: “Alucard, stop whispering!”

Hojo: “Sorry. But I bought it fair and square.”

Alucard: *annoyed sigh* “I’ll give you double what you paid.”

Hojo: “Sold!”

(so alucard unhappily hands over ten bucks and gets the ear back. he then drags his dad back over to their table and shoves his ear back on)

Alucard: “Next time you sell a vital part of your body, I’m not getting it back for you!”

Dracula: *chuckles* “That’s not the first time I’ve heard that threat! And it won’t be the last!”

(meanwhile, dante wanders by rufus’ table and notices the 1.4 million dollar protection chamber. he stops and stares at it)

Zidane: “Hey, Dante! I broke it off with your brother! So I won’t have his cooties anymore!”

Algus: “Silence, slave. Leave Rufus’ customer alone.”

Rufus: *is kicking reno* “Get up you lazy bum!”

Reeve: “He stopped twitching a half an hour ago.”

Elena: *walking away* “I’m calling the hospital.”

Rufus: “Fine, but tell them to park around back! I don’t want them disturbing the customers!”

Tseng: “Rufus, you have a customer.”

Rufus: *smiles* “Of course I do! And how can I help you, Dante?”

Dante: *points to the chamber* “What’s that?”

Rufus: “That is a protection chamber! Once someone’s inside, it’s impossible for anyone else to get in!”

Dante: “How do you get in to begin with?”

Rufus: “…Right now it’s impossible to get in at all. But it did come with a manual! I…just…left it inside.”

Dante: *grins* “I’ll give you ten bucks for it.”

Rufus: *blink blink* “Really?”

Dante: “Sure! It *is* for sale, right?”

Rufus: “You bet your ass it is! Sold!” *grabs money*

Dante: “Can you have it put in my backyard?”

Rufus: “Yup!” *snaps* “Tseng, get the forklift.”

Tseng: *sighs and leaves*

Reeve: “What could you possibly do with that thing?”

Dante: *grinning* “Trust me. I’ve got an awesome use for it.”

(meanwhile back over at dracula’s table, alucard is straightening out some stuff when dracula runs over with a book in hand.)

Dracula: “Alucard! This book tried to bite me!”

Alucard: “Sure it did, dad.”

Dracula: “I think it did bite me. Some of those things that are supposed to be attached to my hand are gone.”

(alucard drops what he’s doing and turns to dracula, who, sure enough, is missing a few fingers. the book in his hand has a face and doesn’t look friendly)

Alucard: “How did the necromonicon get out here?!”

Dracula: “Alucard, speak English. Daddy doesn’t remember his other languages so well sometimes.”

Alucard: “Dad, how did that book get out here? Put that back inside right now!”

Dracula: “But I want to read it! The cover is so friendly looking! I hope it involves bunnies!” *goes to open it*

Alucard: *tries to grab it back* “No, dad!”

(but it’s too late. dracula opens the book and starts reading aloud from it. a heavy wind starts up and stuff starts getting sucked into the book)

Dracula: *blink blink* “Alucard, this doesn’t involve bunnies at all.”

Alucard: *trying to not get sucked in* “Dad, shut the book!”

Dracula: “What about hooks?”

(more stuff gets sucked into the book, including all of algus’ stuff)

Algus: “My possessions! That wind stole them! Go after it, Zidane!”

Zidane: *snorts* “Yeah. Okay. That’s what you get for trying to sell everything so overpriced.”

Alucard: “Dad! Shut the damn book!”

Dracula: “What’s your sudden obsession with cooks, Alucard?”

(the book then sucks up everything on rufus’ table)

Rufus: “Hey! My stuff! What the hell is going on?!”

Reeve: *rolls eyes* “Well, at least you don’t have to worry about paying to have the toxic chemicals hauled away.”

Rufus: *excitedly* “Yeah! You’re right, Reeve! This is a great day for me!”

Tseng: “It’s not a great day for Reno.”

Rufus: “Oh, they took him to the hospital. Stop feeling sorry for him.”

Tseng: “They had to give him CPR!”

Rufus: “He’s gonna live!” *checks watch* “Whoa, look at the time! I better get down to the Disco-Center and pick up Mr. Jingles! I left him in charge!”

Reeve: “Are you–“

Rufus: “I don’t even wanna hear it, Reeve.”

(finally dracula shuts the book. the wind stops. alucard collapses on the ground out of breath)

Dracula: “That was a boring story, Alucard. Find me another book.”

Alucard: *collapses on the floor wheezing*

Dante: *comes over* “Hey, baby. You okay?”

Alucard: *still wheezing he points to dracula then closes his fist and makes an angry face*

Dante: *checks watch* “Still pretty early in the day for you to want to kill your father.”

(lark and sephiroth come over)

Lark: “He okay?”

Sephiroth: “He’s a vampire. It’s not like he’s gonna die or anything.”

Dante: “So how did the tag sale go for you, ‘Roth?”

Sephiroth: *glares* “Just fine, skanky slutbag.”

Dante: *smiles* “I did great. I got rid of Lloyd’s junk and I pretty much got rid of Lloyd.”

Alucard: *struggles back to his feet* “How did you manage that?”

Dante: *grins* “Let’s just say I struck gold at the tag sale.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the tag sale is over. lloyd is moving his stuff out of his room with a big frown on. chris is bringing his one box in)

Chris: “This is all I have. I sold the rest so I–“

Lloyd: “Can go to Europe to fight Umbrella! I know! Everybody knows! Just shut the f#$% up already!”

(he goes downstairs and plops down on a chair in the kitchen with a sigh)

Dante’s voice: “Hey, Lloyd! Get out here!”

Lloyd: “It’s Vergil, Dante! You’re making me move into your stupid exercise room, the least you can do is call me by my real name!”

(he goes outside and goes over to where dante stands by the protection chamber)

Lloyd: “What the hell is this?”

Dante: *grins* “Your new room!”

Lloyd: *peering inside* “Looks pretty nice… Where’d you get this?”

Dante: “That’s not important. The important thing is that you’re my brother, and you deserve a decent room.”

Lloyd: “Really?”

Dante: “Yeah, sure. Why not. Have fun!”

(he grins and goes inside. lloyd excitedly runs around the side looking for an entrance. no entrance. runs around the back. no entrance. runs around to the other side. no entrance. by now he’s frowning.)

Lloyd: “What the f%^&?! How the f$%^ do you get in this thing?!” *punches it angrily* “I’ll get you, Dante!”

(dante just stands in the doorway watching and laughing…)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and finally, at the disco-center)

Nightmare: *twirling around singing along to a cd* “I need a hero! I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the night! He’s gotta be strong, and it’s gotta be soon, and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight!”

Nemesis: *dancing* “STARS!”

(they both look up to see rufus standing in the doorway, his eyes wide. nemesis and nightmare both stare back with the same ‘deer in the headlights’ look. then nightmare quickly drops his sword on the cd player and it falls to the floor and turns off. then everybody freezes. rufus then slowly walks forward, grabs mr. jingles off one of the registers, and slowly backs out of the store, leaving them alone. once outside rufus shudders in horror and pets mr. jingles lovingly)

Rufus: “I’m never leaving you alone again.”

 

THE END

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