Rufus: *staring at the microwave* “Whoa. That clock is blinking.” *eyes widen* “The world must be coming to an end…”

Synopsis
When Rufus eats some of Reno’s ‘special’ brownies by accident, it’s up to the Turks to play baby-sitter.

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I loved this idea and I love how it came out, especially the whole part with the pool. The “herbs” that Chris is selling are based on actual herbs you can find playing the Resident Evil games.

(we open in a break room at shinra inc. the room is empty but there is a huge plate of brownies on the table. Rufus enters looking annoyed)

Rufus: “Turks?! Where the hell are you?! You can’t avoid me forever! I even have cameras in the bathroom now!” *frowns* “Not that I would watch that. Ew. Hey, brownies!” *goes over and smells them* “Mmmn, these smell delicious! I bet you Franswa made these! He makes the best baked goods. This is just what I need for an afternoon snack.”

(and with that he takes the plate and leaves. A minute later reno enters. His eyes go straight to the table and his jaw drops and his eyes widen)

Reno: “Okay! Who took my brownies?!”

(tseng, elena and rude enter)

Tseng: “What?”

Reno: “Someone took my brownies!”

Elena: “Why did you bring in brownies?” *giggles* “Are you having a bake sale, or something?”

Reno: “No! …Those were my ‘special’ brownies…”

Rude: *eyes widen*

Tseng: “Oh crap.”

Elena: “What?? What?? What’s so special about them?”

Tseng: “They’re Reno’s ‘special’ brownies with the ‘secret’ ingredient.”

Rude: “They were full of pot.”

Elena: *gasp*

Reno: “Rude! Shut up! Don’t go on talkin’ about it! I don’t want them to drug test me again! Zell keeps asking me why I want his urine!”

Elena: “Ewwww!”

Tseng: “Reno, why did you have to go and bring those in to work?”

Reno: “What? It was the perfect plan! All we do is sit around anyway. Might as well find everything funny and get the munchies.”

Rude: “Well now someone else is gonna get the munchies.”

Reno: “I know! Who the hell took my brownies?! Do you how *expensive* that stuff was? I do not buy cheap sh*t!”

Elena: “Serves you right for trying to bring illegal stuff into work!”

Reno: “Hey, half the stuff Rufus does in his office is illegal! Why do you think he has all those paper shredders?”

Elena: “Well at least he’s not snorting cocaine in the bathroom!”

Reno: “Hey! I do not do cocaine! It’s reefer only. I’m not that destructive!”

Tseng: *snort* “I don’t think Rufus has ever been high in his life.”

Rude: “Hell no. He’s way too stiff.”

Reno: “Well I’m gonna find out who took those brownies. And they’re gonna be in big trouble!” *pause* “And high.” *frowns* “I bet it was that hippie guy in accounting. He was just waiting for me to turn my back!”

Tseng: “Reno, no one could even tell those weren’t normal brownies.”

Reno: “Then they are in for a surprise.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(about 45 minutes later the turks are back home at the tv room. They’re just sitting there, watching tv and looking bored. Tseng is flipping through the channels.)

Reno: “This would be better if I was high.”

Elena: “If you say that one more time…”

(then all of the sudden they hear loud footsteps coming down the hall, some strange laughter and then silence. The turks all give one another confused looks and then turn around. And then they just look shocked. Because in the doorway is rufus, staring at the tv with very wide eyes)

Rufus: “Whoa. That screen is really bright. It’s like the sun. …Heh. Sun. That’s a funny word.”

Turks: *jaw drops*

Rude: “Uh…I think I know who ate your brownies.”

Rufus: “Man! I had some brownies today! They were great brownies, great. Wow, I’m hungry. I could go for some more of those brownies right about now!”

Reno: “Holy crap, he ate my f***ing brownies!”

(they all get up and go over to him)

Elena: “President Rufus, are you okay?”

Rufus: “I have never felt better! Wow, Reno! Your hair is *red*!” *goes to touch it*

Reno: *jumps back* “Keep your hands to yourself, dude!”

Rufus: “I’m bored.” *wanders off*

Tseng: “Uh…should we just let him go?”

Reno: “Why not?”

Elena: “Why not?! Rufus is high on drugs and it’s your fault!”

Reno: “My fault?! I didn’t make him eat the brownies! He shouldn’t be takin’ food that belongs to other people!”

Rude: “How much was in there?”

Reno: “You know my last paycheck?”

Rude: “Yeah…”

Reno: “Yeah, it’s gone. And Rufus ate it!”

Tseng: “Look, I think we should follow him.”

Elena: “Yeah!”

Reno: *annoyed sigh*

Tseng: “If anything, it’ll be funny.”

Reno: *frowns* “All right. But for the amount of money I spent on that stuff, he better be the funniest damn thing I ever saw in my life!”

Rude: “Where did you even buy that stuff?”

Reno: *grins* “Let’s just say he’s desperate, he’s a cop, and he has no idea what the hell it is.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and who might this desperate cop be? Well, in the back of the strip club we have dante standing there with some money looking bored as chris redfield goes through his bag.)

Chris: “This stuff just grows wild all over Raccoon City. I don’t know what it is, but everyone seems to want to buy it from me. And that’s fine, because I’m still saving up for that trip to Europe.”

Dante: “Yeah, I know. You got any or not?”

Chris: “And it sure does relieve pain. I guess that’s why everyone wants it.” *pulls out three bags* “You want blue, red or green?”

Dante: “Mostly green and a little red.”

Chris: “No blue?”

Dante: “No, that sh*t’s weak.”

(and so chris hands dante bags of some of it and dante hands him the money.)

Chris: *counting money* “Every dollar is one step closing to fighting Umbrella!”

Dante: “You know you’ve been working here awhile. You’re telling me you *still* don’t have enough to get to Europe?”

Chris: “Not to fly first class and stay at five star hotels I don’t.”

Dante: “…Oh.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back at the tv room, the turks have lost track of rufus.)

Elena: “Where did he go?”

Reno: “Well I checked the pantry three times. If I had eaten all those pot brownies, that’s where I’d be.”

Tseng: “Well–“

Algus’ voice: “Oh, there you are, Rufus!”

(the turks look at one another and then they follow algus’ voice to the ramble room. There they find rufus walking towards algus with a zoned out expression on his face.)

Algus: “I got the new issue of ‘Rich and Pompous Weekly’. I thought we could read it together.”

Rufus: “…Is that a new cape?”

Algus: *smiles* “Why it is! Do you like it?”

(but rufus doesn’t answer. Instead he just puts his arms around algus and starts stroking the cape. All the eyes of the turks widen. Algus just stands there looking unaffected as always)

Rufus: “Soft…” *puts his head on algus’ shoulder*

Algus: “It is nice, isn’t it? The finest velvet money can buy.”

Reno: “Uh…this is definitely one of those times I wish I hadn’t traded in my camera for booze money.”

Rufus: *keeps stroking the cape with a happy sigh*

Zidane: *comes over with a glass of water* “Algus, here’s your stupid — oh, hey Turks. What are you all–holy *crap*!” *jaw drops and stares at rufus and algus*

Tseng: “You pretty much just summed up what we’re all thinking.”

Zidane: “Uh…is Rufus drunk?”

Rude: “Close.”

Zidane: “Brainwashed?”

Elena: *loudly whispers* “He’s high thanks to Reno!”

Zidane: *turns to reno* “Dude! Hook me up!”

Reno: “I can’t! Rufus already ate it all!”

Zidane: “Ate it all?!”

Reno: “I put it in brownies!”

Rufus: “This is *sooooooooooo* soft…”

Algus: *finally looking uncomfortable* “Uh, yes, Rufus. I think we’ve established that my new cape is quite soft to the touch. Now if you wouldn’t mind…my slave has a glass of water I’m quite eager to drink.”

Rufus: *doesn’t let go*

Tseng: “Uh, I think we should help out. Rude, let’s go…uh…pry Rufus off Algus.”

Reno: “There are some words I bet you thought you’d never have to say.”

Rude: *nods*

(and so tseng and rude go over and grab rufus by the shoulders. He’s really holding on tight so it takes some effort to finally pull him off)

Rufus: “Hey, Algus! When did you get here?”

Tseng: *leading rufus away* “Time to go, Rufus.”

Rufus: “Aw, you’re always killin’ all my fun, Tseng! You’re a fun killer! Wow, Reno! Your hair is *red*!”

Reno: “Don’t touch me!”

(the turks and rufus leave. Zidane comes in the room and walks over to algus still looking confused)

Zidane: “Here.”

Algus: *takes glass* “He certainly was very admiring of my new cape.”

Zidane: “He was certainly something all right.”

Algus: “Well I have some meetings to go to. That means you may have the afternoon off. But don’t do anything rash. What did I say would happen to you if you got arrested?”

Zidane: *rolls eyes* “I would live out the rest of my poor peasant days in jail where I belong anyway.”

Algus: “I’m surprised you could remember such a long sentence.” *he leaves*

Zidane: *frowns* “Damn Rufus. Now I need to get laid.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the turks drag rufus into the still empty tv room. There tseng finally lets go of him and lets him wander away while they stand in the doorway and discuss)

Elena: “We can’t let him walk around like this!”

Reno: “At least not without a video camera.”

Elena: “Reno! That’s not what I meant! We can’t let people see him like this! It’ll ruin his reputation!”

Tseng: “What reputation? Most of the people around here don’t like him or think he’s a jerk anyway.”

Rude: “Right.”

Elena: “Well… I just don’t think this is a good idea!”

Reno: “He’s probably enjoying it! I know I would!”

Tseng: “I say we keep following him around, but try not to get in his way. We only interfere if he gets carried away, or does something really crazy like go to kill himself.”

Reno: “And even then, only if we feel like.”

Elena: “Reno!” *elbows him*

(meanwhile, rufus has wandered over to the stereo and managed to turn it on. ‘bohemian rhapsody’ by queen comes on rather loudly.)

Rufus: “Whoo! Rock out!” *starts jumping up and down*

Elena: “Oh my gosh. Would you look at him?”

Reno: “Yeah! He’s finally someone I’d want at one of my parties! We should sneak feed him pot more often! …Only not my pot.”

Rufus: *jumping around and singing* “SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STONE ME AND SPIT IN MY EYE! SO YOU THINK YOU CAN LOVE ME AND LEAVE ME TO DI~~~~~~~~IE! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BABYYYYYY! CAN’T DO THIS TO ME BABYYYY! JUST GOTTA GET OUT! JUST GOTTA GET RIGHT OUTTA HERE!!!”

Turks: *blink blink*

Elena: “I didn’t even know he knew this song.”

Tseng: “Know it? He’s a one man play!”

Rufus: *on his knees* “Nothing really matters… Anyone can see… Nothing really matters- nothing really matters…to meeee…” *whispers* “Any way the wind blows…” *bows head*

(and there’s silence)

Rude: “Whoa.”

Rufus: *gets up* “Wow. Wow, I really felt that song. I *felt* it, you know? You know what I mean?” *comes over and puts an arm around rude* “Let’s do something. Let’s do something crazy.”

Elena: “How about we sit quietly in our room and take a nap? That sounds pretty crazy.”

Rufus: *eyes light up* “I know! Let’s swim naked!”

(and with that he takes off towards the pool area)

Everyone: “………..”

Reno: “I do *not* want to see him naked.”

Rude: “Can we interfere on this one?”

Tseng: “I hope we can at least convince him to wear a bathing suit.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(they all follow rufus to the pool but it’s too late. All his clothes lie in a pile next to the pool, and he’s in there doing the backstroke.)

Reno and Rude: “Ugh!” *shield eyes*

Reno: “Can this count as sexual harassment? Because I could use the court settlement.”

Tseng: “Uh, Rufus, I think you should wear a bathing suit.”

Rufus: “No way! The water feels great! You guys should come in! We should all swim naked together!”

Turks: *jaw drops*

Rude: “I’d rather be fired.”

Rufus: “Watch me do a handstand!”

Reno: “Oh god, hit the deck!”

(and everyone grimaces and looks away so they don’t have to watch rufus’ naked handstand)

Elena: “He’s going to drown himself!”

Reno: “Good! Then they can cover him up in a sheet!”

Elena: “Reno! Tseng, do something!”

Tseng: “Do what?”

Rude: “That.” *points to the pool skimmer*

Tseng: “I don’t even know why we have that. The pool is inside. What could get in there that you want to get out?”

Reno: “A naked Rufus, that’s what! Now go do it!”

Tseng: “You want me to poke him with the pool skimmer? I don’t think that’s gonna work!”

Rufus: “Ah…the water feels sooooo good on my skin! You gotta try this! You just gotta!”

Rude: “Someone’s gotta stop this…”

Reno: “Damn right! Go in there and fish him out, Tseng!”

Tseng: “Me?! Why me?! I don’t wanna do that!”

Reno: “You’re the only one who’s strong enough and won’t throw up when you see his bits and pieces!”

Tseng: “What?! Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I want to see Rufus’…uh…everything! You’re the one who made the brownies!”

Elena: “Well I won’t be able to drag him out!”

Rude: “No way.”

Tseng: “Come on, Rude! I’ll give you five bucks!”

Rude: *shakes head* “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m not that desperate.”

Reno: “Godspeed, Tseng. I’ve got a match, so if you touch it by accident, you can burn your hand.”

Tseng: *glares* “Thanks a lot, Reno.” *starts to take off shoes*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in the tv room, Brady, zell, sephiroth, irvine and squall have gathered to watch Brady play kingdom hearts. He’s at the coliseum)

Zell: “Whatcha doin’ now, Brady?”

Brady: “Just checking out the tournaments.”

Irvine: “Hey, Squall – aren’t you in this game?”

Squall: “Whatever. I think so.”

Sephiroth: “Hey, Brady, why don’t you click on those question marks?” *grin*

Brady: *sigh* “I know what that is, Sephiroth.”

Zell: “What is it?”

Sephiroth: “It’s me, of course!”

Irvine: “*You’re* in the game?”

Sephiroth: “Of course I am! Everyone knows you can’t have a good game without me in it!”

Zell: “Well what do you do?”

Sephiroth: “What I always do – I kick ass!”

Irvine: “Oh. I thought you were going to say ‘be annoying’.”

Sephiroth: “Real funny, cowboy geek.”

Zell: “So why don’t you fight him, Brady? And beat his ass!”

Brady: “Uh…well, I haven’t been playing very long, so–“

Sephiroth: “He can’t because he’s too weak! I would beat his ass in two seconds!”

Brady: “I’ll get to you eventually.”

(but before Brady can do anything sephiroth quickly leans over and presses some buttons on the controller, entering Brady into the platinum tournament)

Brady: “Hey!” *yanks the controller away* “You asshole!”

Squall: “That was mean.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up Squall or Leon or Sheila or whatever your stupid name is!”

(and so the little intro for sephiroth loads up on screen, and if you’ve never played kingdom hearts it really is pretty cool. The battle starts, one winged angel is playing in the background, and Brady goes to move sora, but two seconds and one hit later he’s dead.)

Sephiroth: *laughs hysterically* “Did you see that?! Oh, that was priceless! You couldn’t even last two seconds against me!”

Brady: *glares* “I wasn’t prepared.”

Sephiroth: “You just don’t want to admit that I’m much better than you!”

Brady: “You are not better than me.”

Sephiroth: “I’m better than everyone.”

Brady: *glares* “You’re not better than me!”

(sephiroth glares back but doesn’t say anything. Instead he just gets up and starts to leave the room)

Sephiroth: “I’m going to go find Alucard. He borrowed my magic 8 ball.”

Brady: *mumbles* “I don’t care where you’re going.”

(sephiroth leaves. Brady sighs and chooses another tournament to play. Irvine takes sephiroth’s seat on the couch)

Zell: “Don’t let him get to ya! ‘Roth’s just bein’ a jerk!”

Irvine: “It’s what he does best after all.”

Brady: “I just wish someone would put him in his place.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back at the pool, we have a dripping wet tseng standing there in his underwear, wrapping a towel around rufus)

Rufus: “You would have had more fun naked! When you’re naked, it’s like the water is like *with* you, you know?”

Tseng: “Uh huh.”

Reno: “Thanks, Tseng. You saved us all from Rufus overload.”

Rufus: “Wow, Reno! Your hair is *red*.” *goes to touch it*

Reno: *steps away* “Dude, I’m sick of tellin’ you to back off.”

Elena: “What should we do with him now?”

Rufus: “I’m hungry! Let’s make snacks!”

Rude: “…I was waiting for that one.”

Tseng: “Fine, we’ll make you a snack. What do you want?”

Rufus: “Ooh! Burgers and fries! And stuff with chocolate on it. Like brownies. I could really go for some more brownies right now.”

Reno: *frowns* “I think you ate enough brownies already.”

Tseng: “We’ll go get dried off, and then we can make you some burgers. Rude – you think you can handle it?”

Rude: “I’m on it, boss.” *he leaves*

Elena: *sigh* “It’s like taking care of an infant. Only way worse.”

Rufus: “Reno, man, your hair is *red*!”

Reno: “Stay away from me, Rufus!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(and so sephiroth goes across the street to dante’s and rings the doorbell several times looking more and more annoyed each time. Finally alucard answers it.)

Sephiroth: “What the hell?! Is your boyfriend so stupid he doesn’t know what his own doorbell sounds like? Because if that’s the case, he can go hang out in loser land!”

Alucard: *sigh* “Can I help you?”

Sephiroth: “I came for my magic 8 ball!”

Alucard: “Oh. Right. Well come in.”

(sephiroth comes in and alucard shuts the door. Lloyd and zidane are sitting on the couch watching tv. Zidane looks really bored. Alucard leaves sephiroth there and goes into the kitchen. A moment later he comes out with the magic 8 ball and dante, who is smoking something and goes to plop himself down between lloyd and zidane on the couch.)

Alucard: “Here.” *hands magic 8 ball to seph* “I told you they still made them, Dante.”

Dante: “Whatever.”

Sephiroth: “That’s the last time I’m letting you borrow it! I thought you wanted some cosmic guidance, not to win a bet with your loser boyfriend.” *tucks it safely away*

Alucard: “Sorry to disappoint you.”

Sephiroth: “And what is he doing, anyway? Illegal activities! I ought to call the cops!”

Dante: “A cop sold it to me!”

Sephiroth: “What?”

Dante: “You heard me. I never said he was a very good cop.”

Zidane: “Why won’t you share? That thing is made for passing around!”

Dante: “You stop kissing my brother and we’ll talk. I don’t want his germs.”

Lloyd: “Or whatever, Dante! More like I don’t want *your* germs! Besides, drugs are bad for you! They ruin your life!”

Dante: “Not that that makes a difference for you, Lloyd. Your life is pretty damn sh*tty already. I don’t think there’s anything pot can do to you that life hasn’t already.”

Lloyd: “It’s Vergil! And my life is fine!”

Zidane: “I don’t kiss him much, really. And it’s only ’cause he makes me.”

Lloyd: “No I don’t! You have cooties!”

Zidane: *annoyed sigh* “Not this again.”

Dante: “Aren’t you past the second grade yet, Lloyd?”

Zidane, Sephiroth and Alucard: “No.”

Lloyd: “It’s Vergil! And shut up! I hate you all!”

(he stomps upstairs, loudly slamming the door to his room shut.)

Dante: “I’ve got one question for you Zidane…*why*?”

Zidane: “I ask myself that every time I come over here…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, rufus is happily eating his hamburgers while the turks stand in the corner talking.)

Elena: “He seems okay for now…”

Reno: “Of course! He’s eating. When you’re high pretty much all you want to do is eat.”

Elena: “Why is that?”

Reno: “I don’t know! Am I a scientist?”

Rude: “Far from it.”

Tseng: “Rufus will be fine. At least he doesn’t have anything important to do today.”

(then reeve enters with lily in tow. He looks a bit frazzled)

Reeve: “There you guys are! I’ve been looking all over for you!”

Elena: “Is Lily okay?” *takes her*

Reeve: “She’s great! But I have a meeting with Rufus, and he’s never late!”

Rufus: “Super Rufusssssssssssss!” *laughs* “That sounds funny.”

Reeve: *looks at him in confusion*

Tseng: *turns reeve away* “Uh, Reeve, do you really have to do this today? Rufus is very busy.”

Rufus: *staring at the microwave* “Whoa. That clock is blinking.” *eyes widen* “The world must be coming to an end…”

Reeve: *looks at rufus strangely again* “Tseng… Is Rufus *high*?”

Elena: “It was Reno’s fault!”

Reno: “Oh, you rat me out right away!”

Elena: “Well it is!”

Reno: “I didn’t make him eat the brownies!”

Reeve: “He ate pot brownies?!”

Reno: “They were for me!”

Reeve: “You brought them to work?”

Rude: “Does it really surprise you?”

Elena: “Uh, guys?”

Guys: “What?”

Elena: “Where’s Rufus?”

All: *look at the empty place where rufus was*

Tseng: “Crap. All right, let’s go find him.”

(he and elena leave. Reeve follows. Rude and reno are the last to leave)

Reno: “You’re just jealous ’cause I didn’t offer you a brownie.”

Rude: *snort*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in loser land, seymour, kuja, scarlet and nida are sitting around…)

Nida:”I’m glad Heidegger finally got out of the house! His ass made a permanent indent in the couch already!”

Kuja: “If you sat in that you’d probably never get out again.”

Scarlet: “I can’t believe he went to a pie eating contest.”

Seymour: “Yeah. With him it’s not really a contest.”

Nida: “I say while he’s gone we should hit up our hidden stash of snack cakes!”

Seymour: “What hidden stash?”

Nida: “Scarlet and I hid a bunch of snacks in Hojo’s lab.”

Scarlet: “Yeah. Because no one in their right mind wants to go in there.”

Nida: “Go get us some snacks, ‘ho!”

Scarlet: “Why the hell do I have to do it?”

Kuja: “Because you’re the only one he won’t molest behind closed doors.”

Scarlet: *sigh* “True. All right.”

(and so she gets up and goes to hojo’s lab, where the door is covered in many signs warning others to stay out. She knocks.)

Hojo’s voice: “Who’s there?”

Scarlet: “It’s me. I’m here for the secret snack stash.”

(a moment later the door opens and hojo lets her in. the tv is on but there’s just a blue screen. There are stacks of video tapes lying all around)

Scarlet: “Checking your footage?”

Hojo: “I already did that this morning. Actually I have been working on the Shinra surveillance videos. I have been going through and labeling them all.”

Scarlet: “That must be boring.”

Hojo: “Not really. You’d be surprised how many people were having sex all over the office.” *dreamy sigh* “I’m so glad Tseng was such a slut.”

Scarlet: “Why would I be surprised? I’m one of those people.”

Hojo: “I know. I’ve seen more of you than I ever wanted to see.”

Scarlet: “Everyone always says that. Anyway, I came for the snacks.”

Hojo: “Ah, yes. Heidegger is at that pie eating contest. With the crusts and the fillings and the pastry and so on and so forth.”

Scarlet: “Right.” *gets the snacks* “Well, enjoy your unintentional porn.”

Hojo: “You know I will.”

(she leaves and goes back to the main room but as soon as she gets there she is ambushed by nida, who is waving his arms wildly)

Nida: “No!! Abort!! Abort!!”

Scarlet: “What?! What are you yelling about?”

Nida: “He’s back!! Hide the snacks! Quick!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I ate all the pies! Gya haa haa!”

Seymour: “Well then where’s your trophy?”

Heidegger: “I ate it! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “Oh crap.”

(she goes to turn around, but heidegger has picked up the scent of food in the air)

Heidegger: “Snack cakes! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “You slob! You just inhaled like 50 pies! Leave our meager snack cakes alone!”

(but heidegger goes barreling towards a frozen and wide eyed scarlet)

Seymour: “Should we try and stop him?”

Kuja: *filing nails* “Eh.” *shrug* “I’m not getting crushed over processed sugar.”

(and scarlet almost does, but at the last minute she drops everything and makes a run for it, screaming all the way. Heidegger happily gathers everything up)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Jackpot!”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, the turks and reeve find rufus in the tv room where he is watching a cartoon with zell and laguna. It’s the super hyper heroes club)

Rufus: “Yeah, wow! Watch that rocket ship go! That is like the coolest thing I have ever seen, man. The *coolest* thing.”

Zell: “Wow, Rufus! You’re really getting into this show!”

Laguna: “That rocket ship is pretty cool!”

Reno: “Well, this is a good group to hang out with if you don’t want anyone to know you’re high.”

Tseng: “Rufus, I think you should come with us.”

Rufus: “No way! You guys are boring! Besides, you gotta watch this show. It’ll blow your mind!”

Elena: “President Rufus, I really think you should lie down for awhile.”

Rufus: “I’m watchin’ this! OMG! He just turned into a cat! That is *so* beyond cool!”

Rude: “Forget it. Just let him finish watching the show.”

Reno: “It is kinda entertaining.” *chuckles*

Reeve: “I don’t believe this. I had important plans to go over with him and now he’s reduced to this.”

Rufus: *zoned out staring at the blinking clock*

Tseng: “He’s been…this way…for awhile now. Shouldn’t he been coming down by now?”

Reno: *checks watch* “Probably. It’s been a good six hours.”

Reeve: “Six hours?! How much was in those brownies?!”

Reno: “Don’t even remind me.”

(then sephiroth enters)

Sephiroth: “What the hell is going on in here?”

Tseng: “Nothing.”

Rufus: *still staring at clock* “Wow… 12 o’clock lasts a long time…”

Zell: “Hey, Rufus! The show came back on!”

Laguna: “There’s that rocket ship again! Awesome!”

Rufus: “Yeah! Go rocket ship!”

Sephiroth: *looks confused*

Tseng: “Uh, Sephiroth, I think it would be best if you left…”

(he tries to push sephiroth out of the room when lark enters)

Lark: “Hey, guys! What’s going on?”

Rufus: “WHOA! Did you see that? Did you see that? He was like WHAM! And ow! Just ow! You know?”

Lark: *looks confused* “Uh… What’s wrong with Rufus?”

Reeve: “Do you really *want* to know?”

Lark: *bracing herself* “I don’t know… Do I?”

Rude: “He’s high.”

Lark and Sephiroth: “He’s *what*?!”

Lark: “How is *Rufus* high?”

Elena, Tseng, Rude and Reeve: *point to reno*

Sephiroth: “Why am I not surprised…”

Lark: “Reno!”

Reno: “Hey, that high was meant for me!

Lark: “No wonder it smells like pot in here!”

Reno: “He didn’t smoke it.”

Lark: “He didn’t?”

Reno: “No! He ate my special brownies!”

Lark: “You baked brownies?”

Reno: “I can motivate myself when the right ingredients are involved!”

Lark: “Then why does it smell like someone was smoking weed?”

(everyone looks around, and then they all look at sephiroth)

Sephiroth: “Great. I go in there and I come out smelling like a hippy.”

Lark: “Go in where?”

Sephiroth: “Dante’s house! Where else do the scum of the earth gather?”

Tseng: *mutters* “Guess that’s why you keep going over there…”

Sephiroth: “I heard that, Tseng.”

Reno: “Dante’s got weed?”

Sephiroth: “Yes! And he was smoking it right in front of me. And now I smell like it!”

Rude: “I wonder if he bought it from the same guy, Reno.” *no answer* “Reno?”

(everyone turns to look where reno was standing but reno is gone.)

Reeve: “Where did he go?”

Elena: *walking over to the window* “Apparently he’s going to make friends with Dante.”

Sephiroth: “Good! That’s where he belongs!”

Zell: “You know we’re trying to watch a show over here!”

Rufus: *staring at the clock again*

Laguna: “Uh, Rufus really likes that clock.”

Tseng: “Oh, look, your show is over! Time to go talk about it over hot chocolate in the ramble room!”

Zell: “Hey, that’s a great idea! I love hot chocolate!”

Laguna: “Me too! And we can have cookies!”

Zell: “Awesome!”

(and so zell and laguna leave.)

Sephiroth: “Nice work, Tseng. You sure know how to manipulate simple minds.”

Tseng: “Shut up, Sephiroth. Rude – go get Reno back over here. It’s his fault Rufus is like this and he’s not getting out of it.”

Rude: *nods and leaves*

Tseng: “Elena, it’s about time for Lily’s nap, so you can go.”

Elena: “Thank god!” *she leaves with the baby*

Tseng: “Rufus.” *no reaction* “Rufus!” *snaps fingers in front of his face*

Rufus: *startled* “Ahhh! Are you trying to kill me with that?!”

Tseng: “As soon as Rude drags Reno back over here you’re going to sleep, Rufus.”

Rufus: “Aw, man.” *sigh* “Whatever.”

Reeve: “Reno was right. I think it’s starting to wear off.”

(then rude returns dragging reno, who is giggling)

Rude: “He had already taken a puff when I got there.”

Reno: “That is some good sh*t he’s got! Great sh*t. Wow, Sephiroth! Your hair is *shiny*!”

Sephiroth: *steps away* “Don’t you dare touch it!”

Tseng: “Great. Well come, on Rufus.” *helps rufus up*

Reno: “Hey, Rufus!”

Rufus: “Hey, Reno.” *pause* “Wow. Your hair is *red*.”

Reno: “I know! It’s like, magical or something.”

Tseng: “Okay, Rufus is going to bed now. You can let Reno go, Rude.”

(tseng, reeve, rufus, lark and sephiroth leave the room. Rude lets go of reno)

Reno: “Dude, you are too uptight, dude! I’m hungry.”

(irvine enters)

Irvine: “Reno! There you are! I’ve been lookin’ all over for you!”

Reno: “Irvine. Irvine – dude. Duuuude. You’re tall. You’re really tall. Do you know how tall you are? Because you’re tall.”

Irvine: *frowns* “Did you make and *not share* your special brownies again?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day. Reno comes into the ramble room with a fresh plate of brownies. He smiles and leaves. A minute later tseng, reeve, rude and elena (with lily) enter.)

Tseng: *sigh* “Well, after all that at least I got him to go to sleep.”

Reeve: “And it’s not a big deal about the meeting. We can just do it today.”

Elena: “Has anyone seen him this morning?”

Rude: “Not yet.”

Elena: “I hope he’s okay…”

Tseng: “He’s been asleep for like ten hours. He’ll be fine.”

Rude: “Look – more brownies.”

Reeve: “Oh geez.”

Elena: “Reno already made more brownies?! I thought he spent his whole paycheck on the last batch!”

Tseng: “Nothing is ever too far out for Reno.”

(then rufus enters)

Rufus: “Good morning, everyone!”

Turks and Reeve: “Good morning, Rufus.”

Rufus: “Hey, was I acting strange yesterday? Because I felt like I was acting kind of weird. And then I slept for a long time.”

Tseng: “You, uh, probably just had a fever. Or something.”

Elena: “Yeah! You were probably just sick.”

Rufus: “I guess. Well I feel fine now! I’m actually kind of hungry. Ooh, brownies!”

Everyone: *dives in front of them* “NO!”

THE END