#170 – Final Fairy Tales III – Ever After

King Sephiroth: “…I suppose no matter how hard you try, you can’t avoid your destiny.”

Originally Published: 4/14/06 . 49 pages

The girls go back to the book one more time to finally get their happy endings…or will they?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I’m a big fan of these rambles, so it was a no brainer to do another one. Some of the stories are a little weak – you can tell I was making things up as I went, but it’s still my favorite. I especially love the stuff with the prophecy.

(we open in the ramble room. Lark, Ashley and shell walk into the room where a familiar looking book sits on the table.)

Ashley: “I’m bored.”

Lark: “Me too.”

Shell: “Me three. Where’s Rude with my double mocha latte?”

Lark: *sees book* “Hey, what’s that?” *picks it up* “Hey! It’s Fairy Tales – Volume 2: part three! Ever After!”

Ashley: “What, is someone subscribing to freaky book of the month club around here?”

Lark: “Let’s open it!”

Shell: *shrugs* “Okay.”

Ashley: “Whatever.”

Lark: “Don’t act so excited.”

(and so she opens it up and they all get sucked into the book for a third time. Yay.)

Narrator: “Once upon a time, even later…”

(we see queen shell and king rufus sitting on their thrones. Rufus is holding a small boy about a year old on his lap and is playing with him)

Narrator: “If you’ll recall, Queen Shell, formerly Princess Shell, formerly Daughter Shell, married Prince – now King – Rufus, after getting the help of Rumpelgyahaahaa and turning straw into gold. He then wished to have an heir, but she wasn’t quite up for that. They both tried to trick the other into getting what they wanted. In the end they wound up being so angry at each other that they wished to mate, and nine months later Rufus got the heir he wanted and Prince Rufus Jr. was born.”

King Rufus: “Oh, Rufus Jr.! You are the smartest and best looking kid in the land!”

Queen Shell: “Of course he is! He came out of me.”

Miller Kiros: *comes in wearing a towel and a shower cap and holding a rubber ducky* “And I’m a grandpa!”

King Rufus: “Were you in the bathtub again?!”

Miller Kiros: “Ward said I could!”

King Rufus: *eyes narrow* “I really have to talk to this Ward…”

(then suddenly court jester palmer runs in wildly, everything jiggling)

Court Jester Palmer: “Sire! Sire! The castle has been broken into!”

King Rufus: “What?! How is that possible!? I have guards at every entrance! Plus I shielded my home with the Sloman Sheild!”

Court Jester Palmer: “I don’t know how it happened! But it looks as though nothing was taken! All we found was this note!”

(he hands the note to king rufus, and as queen shell reads it over his shoulder she suddenly gets very pale.)

King Rufus: *reads it* “Gya haa haa, I will be back for what you owe me? What the hell does this mean?”

Queen Shell: *quietly* “Uh oh…”

King Rufus: *to her* “Do you know something about this?”

Queen Shell: “Well… Let’s just say in my past I dealt with a guy who did me a favor in exchange for something…”

King Rufus: “Was it the mob? It was the mob, wasn’t it? Just tell me it was the mob!”

Queen Shell: “It wasn’t the mob! And anyway I got out of paying him back! I don’t know why he would be coming back now!”

King Rufus: “Well don’t worry, darling! I’ll make sure no one comes near you or our precious son!”

Queen Shell: *pointing* “The kid’s getting into your sword.”

King Rufus: *pulling him away* “No, no, Rufus Jr.! Not until you’re three!”

Narrator: “And so it seems as if some rocky times are ahead for Queen Shell and King Rufus. Meanwhile, in a forest not so far away, the 3 Garden students continued to live in their house. If you’ll remember, the President of Ether publishing wanted to buy the house and give tours there based on some crappy poetry that was written about it. He then he discovered Squallbear was his son, and he couldn’t very well kick his own son out of his house. And so instead it was comics for all, and Prez-Laguna decided to move in with his son and make up for all the years he missed…”

Squallbear: “Kill me.”

(he stands in the middle of the living room which is a total disaster. There are food and comics everywhere. Squallbear stands there wearing an apron and holding a broom, and he looks lost)

Squallbear: “This is bullsh*t.”

Narrator: “Look, I thought we weeded out the one who was the big problem in your story. Now get on with it!”

Squallbear: “Whatever.”

Rinoabear: *comes in* “Ugh! What a pigsty this is!”

Squallbear: “Tell me about it. And I’m the one stuck cleaning it up!”

Rinoabear: “Well he is your dad.”

Squallbear: “But I don’t like him!”

Zellbear: *comes in eating a hot dog* “Hey, guys! What’s up?”

Rinoabear: “What’s up?! This place is a mess! Why don’t you help Squallbear clean?”

Zellbear: “His dad made the mess! I’ve been cleaning up after myself!”

Squallbear: “He leaves a mess wherever he goes. And he won’t clean it up!”

Rinoabear: “Have you asked him to?”

Squallbear: “Of course! He just gives me a hug and leaves the room!”

(speaking of prez-laguna, he enters then with a big grin)

Prez-Laguna: “Hey, son!”

Squallbear: “Clean up your damn mess!”

Prez-Laguna: “Aw, you’re cranky!” *gives him a hug* “Catch ya later!”

(he leaves. Squallbear is shaking with anger)

Squallbear: “You see?! You see what he does?!”

Rinoabear: “You know, he did mess up my bed when he took a nap in it the other day.”

Zellbear: “Yeah, and he ripped pages out of my magazine! And I wasn’t even done with it yet!”

Squallbear: “I think it’s about time we evicted his ass.”

Rinoabear: “Aw, but he’s your father!”

Prez-Laguna’s voice: *from the next room* “Hey! There’s a big pile of dishes here! Somebody should clean this up!”

Zellbear: “It’s your turn, Rinoabear!”

Rinoabear: *looks angry* “That’s it. He’s gotta go.”

Narrator: “And so the students began to brainstorm a way to get Squallbear’s messy dad out of their house. Meanwhile, in a nearby kingdom, we shall pick up the story of King Sephiroth and Queen Lark. He had been the one who awakened her with the kiss of true love after she was put to sleep by the evil Millif-Hojo. They then married, but the insecure King had his bride chained to him at all times. The unhappy Queen then resorted to drugging her husband so she could cheat on him with Prince Zidane. When King Sephiroth found out about this he was furious and threatened to summon the army, Meteor, to attack Prince Zidane’s kingdom. But in the end Queen Lark discovered that King Sephiroth must be her true love, because it was his kiss that awakened her from her cursed sleep. But if you thought that was happily ever after, you thought wrong.” *pause* “Yeah, I think that about covers what happened last time.”

Fairy Rude: *loudly clears throat*

Narrator: “Oh. Right.” *big sigh* “And Fairy Rude got pants.”

Fairy Rude: “Finally!” *models pants*

Narrator: *shoves him out of the way* “No one cares! Anyway, even though matters between the couple seemed to have been patched up, looks can often be deceiving…”

(king sephiroth and queen lark sit on their thrones not looking at one another and looking quite bored. It’s so quiet you can hear the clock ticking. Then off to the side we see fairy elena, fairy tseng and fairy rude sitting there, also looking bored)

Fairy Rude: “Why are we still sticking around?”

Other fairies: *look at him in confusion*

Fairy Rude: “We set out to protect her from Millif-Hojo. We did that like years ago, and now we just sit around doing nothing. Why are we still here?”

Fairy Tseng: “You know, ever since you got those pants you’ve had quite the attitude.”

Fairy Elena: *thoughtfully* “You know what I’ve been wondering?”

Fairy Tseng: “This better not be about what kind of underwear I’m wearing again…”

Fairy Elena: “No, I already looked under your skirt and got the answer to that.”

Fairy Tseng: *frowns* “I feel so violated…”

Fairy Elena: “I was wondering whatever happened to Millif-Hojo!”

Everyone: “………………………………..”

Fairy Rude: “I always assumed someone killed him.”

Fairy Elena: *shakes head* “Nope. No one did. After he put Queen Lark to sleep, he just disappeared!”

Fairy Tseng: “It’s kind of weird that we haven’t heard anything from him since. He’s the kind of guy who likes to crash a party.”

(speaking of crashing, at that moment a guy with red hair and wearing a suit of armor comes rushing through the doors, royal aide kuja at his heels)

???? ?????: “Where’s the sleeping princess? I’m here to awaken her!”

Royal Aide Kuja: “I’m sorry, your majesty. I was checking to make sure my eye liner was on straight and he just pushed his way past the guards!”

King Sephiroth: “Well where are the guards now?”

Royal Aide Kuja: “Probably trying on the new pantyhose I handed out…”

???? ?????: “My name is King Brady and I have travelled a long way to awaken the sleeping princess!”

Queen Lark: *blink blink*

King Sephiroth: “Well you’re a little late, buddy.” *gestures to lark* “Job’s been taken care of. You can go now.”

King Brady: *jaw drops* “What??”

King Sephiroth: *points to lark* “Here’s the princess. As you can see, she’s no longer asleep. I awakened her with true love’s kiss.” *grin* “Of course.”

King Brady: *jaw drops* “B-b-but, you don’t understand! I would have been here sooner, but I had to journey through all of my kingdom first, and it’s covered in dense forests! And there was this whole thing with this girl getting mauled by a dog – it was a huge mess. And I thought I had finally reached the right kingdom, but the only big news there was this guy getting turned into a frog. So then I rode into the next kingdom, I figured that has to be it, right? But no. The only thing I ran across there was a strange little man in the woods who constantly laughed to himself. At this point I was kind of tired, but I had to fulfill my destiny, so I rode into the next kingdom. But this one was full of unhappy peasants who were waiting to revolt. So I hurried on to the next kingdom. After after dealing with deep, dark forests, people turning into frogs, strange little men who talked to themselves and revolting peasants, I thought hey, by this time, I’ve gotta be in the right one. But no. No. This time there was only a cursed prince who had been turned into a beast. No cursed princesses. At this point I had almost given up hope. But I knew that I had to fulfill the prophecy and save the princess who had been cursed to sleep forever – only to awaken at true love’s kiss! So I travelled through that whole kingdom and finally – FINALLY I found the right one. And now you’re trying to tell me that the princess I’ve journeyed so long to save no longer needs saving?!”

King Sephiroth: “Nope. We’re good.”

(king Brady looks pissed. he frowns and then marches up to queen lark and kneels before her)

King Brady: “My lady, pardon my lateness. But the prophecy sent me here to release you from the curse and—“

King Sephiroth: *gets up* “Um, excuse me! Mind getting away from my wife?”

Queen Lark: “What prophecy?”

King Sephiroth: “My darling, don’t listen to him! He’s obviously crazy. Royal Aide Kuja – aren’t you supposed to be getting the guards?”

Royal Aide Kuja: *looking at himself in his compact* “I thought I was supposed to be powdering my nose.”

Queen Lark: *gets up* “Sephiroth, I believe he’s telling the truth. Look at his sword sheath. It’s covered in stickers from the surrounding kingdoms!”

(they both look at the sword sheath, which is indeed covered in tourist stickers from each of the surrounding kingdoms.)

King Brady: “Yeah, well I figured while I was passing through I might as well pick up a little souvenir.”

Queen Lark: *smiles at him* “That’s so cute.”

King Sephiroth: *frowns* “Look, I don’t care if he covered his whole stupid face with stickers. He’s leaving. Guards!”

Royal Aide Kuja: *still powdering face* “Can’t you see that I’m busy!”

Queen Lark: “Sweetie… He’s come all this way! The least we can do is let him stay in the castle for a bit.”

King Sephiroth: “I don’t think we have any free rooms.”

Queen Lark: *blink blink* “Are you kidding? We live in a *castle*. There are rooms here that I haven’t even *seen*.”

King Sephiroth: *pouts* “Fine. He can stay. But only for a few days.”

King Brady: *smiles at her* “Thank you, my lady. You are most kind.”

King Sephiroth: *pulling her away* “Yeah, yeah. We have to go now. Royal Aide Kuja will show you to your room.”

Royal Aide Kuja: *sigh* “Can’t a beautiful guy get a break?”

(and so king sephiroth whisks queen lark away and royal aide kuja takes king Brady away to show him to his room. meanwhile all the fairies are looking at one another in pure shock.)

All: “Uh…”

Fairy Elena: “What *prophecy* is he talking about?”

Fairy Rude: “The hell if I know.”

Fairy Elena: “But according to the spell only her true love could wake her! And she’s awake!”

Fairy Tseng: “I know! I know! I’m the one who cast the spell!”

Fairy Elena: “We have to get to the bottom of this!”

Fairy Rude: “I’m hot. Can I get shorts?”

Narrator: “Meanwhile, in another kingdom not too far away, we have the poor King Irvine, who is recently widowed. Now he is a single parent to his daughter Eikomiel and finds himself completely clueless on how to be a parent.”

(we see king irvine standing there with his daughter eikomiel. They are standing at the beach in their bathing suits)

King Irvine: “Why don’t you go swimming?”

Eikomiel: “By myself?”

King Irvine: “Is that not allowed, or something?”

Eikomiel: “I’m not allowed to go swimming by myself!”

King Irvine: *big sigh* “Fine. Then why don’t you go play over there in the sand or something?”

Eikomiel: “Did you bring my pail and shovel?”

King Irvine: “…No.”

Eikomiel: “Then how am I supposed to play??”

King Irvine: “You got hands, don’t ya? Go use ’em!”

(so eikomiel plods off a ways to play in the sand. King irvine plops down with a frown)

King Irvine: “Makin’ kids is easy, why can’t raising them be the same way?” *sigh* “I wish that stupid Nida-the-Reject didn’t get turned into a frog and eaten. I could have paid him to watch her.” *lightbulb* “Hey… That’s a great idea! I can pay someone to watch her! I’m a rich king! I’ll find the best nanny in all the land!”

Eikomiel: “Daddy, can I pet a crab?”

King Irvine: “Whatever you wanna do, honey.”

Eikomiel: “Ouch!”

King Irvine: *getting up* “Crap. I better start looking for that nanny today!”

Narrator: “So it seems King Irvine is having a rough time of it. Next we go to the story of King Reno, who was very unpopular among his people after taking the throne. To win their favor, he then threw the party to end all parties. Although a great time was had by all, King Reno bankrupted the country in the process. His wife left him and he wound up fleeing for his life. However, his loyal advisor, Royal Aide Red the XIIIth, saved a box that contained some of the king’s…well…let’s just say it was an illegal yet valuable substance. Anyway, King Reno sold the substance and got his kingdom back. Unfortunately King Reno now had other problems…”

(king reno sits on his throne looking bored. Royal aide red the xiiith stands before him looking over a piece of paper)

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “Sire, remember how you wanted me to conduct that poll on how popular you are with the neighboring kingdoms?”

King Reno: “I may have mentioned that when I was drunk one night.”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “Yes, I believe your exact words were you wanted to know how ‘kick ass’ they think you are.”

King Reno: “Right. Well, how kick ass do they think I am?”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “Not very, I’m afraid.” *sigh* “King Rufus of the Golden Kingdom thinks you’re a joke, King Sephiroth of the Kingdom of Fortitude thinks you’re an empty headed drunk, King Irvine of the Tequila Kingdom thinks you’re kind of cool, but not nearly as cool as him, King Algus of the Silent Kingdom thinks you’re a sorry excuse for a king, King Seifer of the Kingdom of Cockiness believes you to be an idiot, and finally King Brady of the Forest Kingdom could not be reached for comment.”

King Reno: *blink blink* “So none of them think I’m cool?!”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “That basically sums up what I just said.”

King Reno: “But that’s impossible! We’re the Kingdom of Grooviness! What’s not cool about us??”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “Well, sire, perhaps if you took more of an interest in the affairs of the kingdom…”

King Reno: *jumps up* “I know! I have to do something really cool! Something so cool that no one could possibly think it’s *not* cool!”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “I don’t suppose that includes attending the taxation hearing…”

King Reno: “The what? No, that’s not cool! Cool is like doing something that no one would ever suspect! Like a crazy dare or something! Pretend you’re drunk – what would you dare me to do?”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation…”

King Reno: *walks around thinking* “Hmmm… There has to be something…”

(he then glances out the window and his eyes get really wide)

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “Oh no. He’s high again.”

King Reno: *snaps fingers* “I got it!” *points out window* “You know that crazy guy who lives in that dark castle on the mountain? I’ll go kill him!”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “Sire, I don’t think that’s the wisest idea. He’s believed to be a vampire. They’re not very easy to kill.”

King Reno: “Sure they are! I can shoot a gun!” *pause* “It doesn’t look too hard anyway…”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “I don’t think a gun will do it, your majesty.”

King Reno: “Well you better find me some books on vampires then, and they better have pictures. My vision’s kinda blurry right now. I don’t know if it was the drugs or the booze.”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: *sigh* “At least it’s better than what I expected him to suggest…another huge, useless party.”

King Reno: “Yeah, that’s plan B.”

Narrator: “And so King Reno began forming his ridiculous plan of defeating the creepy vampire guy who lived on the mountain in order to be called ‘cool’ by all.”

King Reno: “Hey! Who is this chick?”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “I’m not quite sure, your majesty. She just pops up from time to time and talks about what’s going on.”

King Reno: “Oh. Well try and get her number for me.”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: *sigh*

Narrator: “Uh, anyway, on we go to our last destination, where King Seifer, formerly Beast Seifer, was still settling in to his new life with his wife, the Queen Ashley. Her father, Vinrese, lived with them now and continued to collect portraits of King Sephiroth, which by this point hung everywhere in the castle. Also that stupid jerk Reevston was still hanging around for some reason.”

Reevston: “Hey! I’m not bothering anyone!”

Narrator: “Yes you are. You’re bothering me.”

Reevston: “You better watch it or I’ll have King Seifer beat you again!”

Narrator: “…Whatever. Anyway, speaking of King Seifer, he hadn’t been a beast for awhile and was reverting back to his old cocky self…”

(we see king seifer stomping around the castle looking at all the portraits of king sephiroth. Queen Ashley is with him)

King Seifer: “Look at this place! Your father must have every portrait of King Sephiroth ever done!”

Queen Ashley: “I know. He has a problem. I’ve been trying to find a support group.”

King Seifer: “This is a joke! I can’t have my castle covered in portraits of another king! It should be covered with portraits of me!”

(then vinrese walks in holding yet another portrait)

Vinrese: “I’m out of room in the west wing. Can you help me find a place to hang it?”

King Seifer: “Yeah! How about in the trash can!?”

Queen Ashley: “Seifer, calm down. I’ll handle this. Come on, dad.”

(so she takes vinrese away just as the doorbell rings. And rings. And rings)

King Seifer: “Hello?! Someone get that! What do I have servants for?!”

(but the doorbell just rings again. Heaving a sigh, king seifer plods down the stairs and opens the door. An old woman stands there)

Old Woman: “Can I come inside to warm up? It’s awfully cold outside.”

King Seifer: “Ew! No! I don’t have time for peasants! Get away!”

Old Woman: *seems shocked* “Are you serious?”

King Seifer: “Yeah, I’m serious! Now go away! Your ugliness might be catching!”

Old Woman: *sigh* “All right. You asked for it.”

Narrator: “And King Seifer’s expression turned to complete shock as the old woman suddenly turned into the beautiful fairy who had cursed him so many years ago.”

King Seifer: “Uh-oh. Uh, did I mention I was just kidding? Ha ha! I’m so funny. Everybody laughed. You can come in now.”

Fairy: *looks like lulu* “I don’t think so! You’re still the same jerk you always were! I thought you had changed but I was wrong!”

King Seifer: “No, I have changed! You just caught me on an off night!”

Fairy: “Yeah, right. You’ve reverted back to your old cocky ways. I bet if you disappeared, no one would even miss you.”

King Seifer: “That’s not true! My wife would definitely miss me!”

Fairy: “Oh yeah? Well we’ll see about that.”

Narrator: “And with that the Fairy snapped her fingers, transforming King Seifer into a portrait of himself which hung on the wall.”

King Seifer: “Hey! What the hell is this?!”

Fairy: “What? Now you have the portrait of yourself that you wanted.”

King Seifer: “I didn’t want to *be* the portrait! Turn me back right now!”

Fairy: “Sure, I’ll turn you back. If anyone truly misses you. Until then, enjoy life as a painting.”

Narrator: “And with that she disappeared, taking King Seifer’s pride with her. He was trapped as a portrait, just hanging on the wall.”

King Seifer: “This sucks!”

Narrator: “Well, you reap what you sow. And so King Seifer was once again transformed into something horrible, only this time it was worse, if you can believe it. At least as a beast he was scary, but he could move.”

King Seifer: *sobbing hysterically*

Narrator: “Anyway, we return now to King Rufus and Queen Shell, who had received a note from an unexpected house crasher. Although King Rufus tripled the security around the castle, he didn’t know that Rumpelgyahaahaa had his own way of getting into places…”

(queen shell is in her chamber brushing her hair when suddenly rumpelgyahaahaa pops up behind her. Startled, she drops her brush and spins around.)

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Surprise! Gya haa haa!”

Queen Shell: “*You*?! What are *you* doing here?! I’m calling for the guards!”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “I’ve come for what you owe me! Gya haa haa!”

Queen Shell: “I don’t owe you anything! You said I wouldn’t have to give you my first mako reactor if I guessed your name! And I did! So get out of here!”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Gya haa haa! I didn’t really want that anyway!”

Queen Shell: “I’m calling security…”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “I want your first born child! Gya haa haa!”

Queen Shell: “What?! No way! That wasn’t part of the agreement! And I’m not giving my kid up! I went through nine months of hell to get him here!”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Too bad! I’ll be back tomorrow for what you owe me! Gya haa haa!”

Queen Shell: “I don’t owe you anything! GUARDS!”

Narrator: “But just as quickly as he arrived, Rumpelgyahaahaa disappeared.”

(king rufus then runs in with several guards and court jester palmer)

King Rufus: “My Queen! Are you all right? I heard your cry for help!”

Queen Shell: “I don’t need help *now* – he left.”

King Rufus: “How could he leave?! I have the castle so surrounded by guards no one can enter or leave without being strip searched!”

Court Jester Palmer: *hangs head* “Everyone laughed at how fat I am.”

Queen Shell: “This guy doesn’t come through the doors.”

King Rufus: “Then I’ll put bars on the windows!”

Queen Shell: “No! He’s got these weird powers where he can just teleport anywhere he wants!”

King Rufus: *thoughtfully* “They definitely don’t have powers like that in the mob…”

Queen Shell: “I told you it wasn’t the mob! And now this freak wants to take Rufus Jr. away!”

King Rufus: “What?! That’s madness! No one is taking my son away from me!”

Queen Shell: “Tell me about it! Because I’m definitely not having another kid to replace him!”

King Rufus: “Why does he want to take our child?”

Queen Shell: *shrugs* “I don’t know. ‘Cause he’s a freakin’ weirdo?”

King Rufus: “Well that will not happen! I will have guards watching our son day and night until this matter is resolved!”

Narrator: “And so the King was true to his word, and his child was never without several guards, even when he was asleep. But Queen Shell knew they had not seen the last of Rumpelgyahaahaa. Moving on, we return to the story of the three Garden students and Squallbear’s messy father.”

Squallbear: “I am going to kill him.”

(the room is even more of a disaster. Squallbear stands there shaking his head and looking pissed as rinoabear and zellbear enter.)

Zellbear: “Squallbear, your dad left more dishes in the sink! And the garbage is overflowing!”

Rinoabear: “And you can’t even walk near his side of the room. Plus it smells! Haven’t you come up with anything yet?”

Squallbear: “Why am I the only one who has to think of something? We all hate him.”

Rinoabear: “Yeah, but he’s your dad.”

Zellbear: “I think he should get his own house! Isn’t he rich?”

Squallbear: “Yeah. But he’s not here because he’s poor. He’s here because he’s trying to be my parent.”

Rinoabear: “Well you’ll have to convince him you don’t need a parent anymore!”

Zellbear: “How is he supposed to do that?”

Rinoabear: *big grin* “I know! We can get married!” *hugs squallbear*

Squallbear: *pales* “Uh, what?”

Zellbear: “Uh, I don’t think he likes that idea.”

Rinoabear: “But your dad definitely won’t want to stick around if we’re married!”

Zellbear: “But I’m still gonna be here!”

Squallbear: “Yeah. That won’t work.”

Rinoabear: *frowns* “Fine. Then you think of something.”

Zellbear: “Why can’t we just make him leave?”

Squallbear: “Because I don’t think he’ll go.”

Zellbear: “What if he thought it was haunted?”

Rinoabear: “If it was haunted, why would we stay?”

Zellbear: “Uh…maybe we like it haunted?”

Squallbear: *sigh* “We’re doomed. I don’t think anything will make him go.”

Rinoabear: *smiles* “Oh, I think I can think of something…”

Narrator: “So the three students huddled together and began a serious plot to get Squallbear’s dad out of the house.” *pauses and tries to listen to the conversation*

Rinoabear: “Hey! Butt out!”

Narrator: “I’m just trying to tell the story here! Anyway, back to the story of King Sephiroth and Queen Lark, the surprise visit of King Brady had them both confused. What was this prophecy he spoke of? Queen Lark was intrigued by it, but King Sephiroth on the other hand…”

King Sephiroth: *looks really pissed* “Who does this jerk think he is just waltzing into my castle and trying to kiss my wife?! I can’t believe he’s staying here! I ought to kill him in his sleep!”

Queen Lark: “Calm down! Clearly there was a misunderstanding or something.”

King Sephiroth: “I don’t care what happened! He’s out of here tomorrow morning!”

Queen Lark: “But he just got here! And he was riding so long…”

King Sephiroth: “Too bad! It’s called a map! He should have used one!”

(and with that he stomps out. Queen lark sighs and sits down looking glum. Then the fairies enter)

Fairy Elena: “Hi, Queen Lark! How are you?”

Queen Lark: “Oh. Hi, you guys.” *sigh* “Sephiroth just stormed out of here. You probably passed him in the hall. He’s upset about our visitor.”

Fairy Tseng: “I thought as much.”

Fairy Rude: *fanning self* “And I thought this castle would have air conditioning!”

Queen Lark: “You know, I always felt that there wasn’t something quite right with my marriage.” *pause* “I guess that’s why I used to cheat on him with Prince Zidane. But he has to be the one for me, right? That’s what the spell said after all – the kiss of true love…”

Narrator: “She looked at the fairies for guidance but their faces were as blank as Rinoabear’s brain.”

Rinoabear: “Hey!”

Narrator: “Quiet! This isn’t your story!”

Queen Lark: “I mean, I love Sephiroth…right?”

Fairy Elena: “Why are you looking at us for?”

Fairy Rude: *glaring* “Yeah. That’s not our department.”

Queen Lark: “But you casted the spell!”

Fairy Tseng: “Well…everything’s open to interpretation…”

Queen Lark: “Interpretation?! It’s a spell, not a poem!” *annoyed sigh* “I’m going to talk to that King.”

(she gets up and leaves the room. The fairies look at one another)

Fairy Elena: “Uh oh! King Sephiroth isn’t going to like that when he finds out!”

Fairy Tseng: “Maybe we better go spy on them. I want to know more about this ‘prophecy’ he was talking about.”

Fairy Elena: “Spying?! Queen Lark wouldn’t like that if she found out!”

Fairy Rude: “And I don’t like these pants, but you don’t hear me complaining.”

Fairy Tseng: “Actually you were complaining the whole way up here!”

Fairy Rude: “And I’ll complain the whole way down.”

Narrator: “And he did. But that’s not important. What is important is that King Irvine quickly found a suitable nanny for his daughter. Only the nanny was a guy. And his name was Franswa Beppins.”

(king irvine is interviewing franswa beppins and looking over his resume)

King Irvine: “Well, your resume looks good but I don’t know if I want a man watching my little girl.”

Franswa Beppins: “I’m gay, if that helps.”

King Irvine: “You’re hired.”

Narrator: “And so Franswa Beppins began looking after little Eikomiel every day while King Irvine took care of his royal duties.”

King Irvine: *coming out of the sauna with each arm around a hot girl* “Now this is the life of a king for sure!”

(meanwhile, franswa beppins is in the kitchen with eikomiel. They are making cookies together.)

Eikomiel: “Mmm! Those smell great, Franswa Beppins! You make the best cookies ever!”

Franswa Beppins: “Thanks, Eikomiel! Now we’ll need stuff to decorate them with!”

(franswa beppins pulls out a very small bag and starts pulling out a whole bunch of cookie decorating stuff. There is no way all the stuff could fit in the bag)

Eikomiel: *wide eyes* “How do you fit all that stuff in there?”

Franswa Beppins: “Magic, of course! Now what color frosting do you want to use first?”

Eikomiel: “Pink!”

Franswa Beppins: “You got it!” *takes more stuff from bag singing* “A spoonful of sugar makes the cookie dough taste good…”

Narrator: “The more time passed after Franswa Beppins was hired, the less time King Irvine chose to spend with his daughter.”

(franswa beppins and eikomiel are on the beach flying kites. King irvine is off a ways making out with some chick)

Franswa Beppins and Eikomiel: *sing* “Let’s go fly a kite! Up to the highest height! Let’s go fly a kite and send it soaring!!”

Eikomiel: *giggles* “Yay!! Look at me, daddy! I’m flying a kite!”

King Irvine: *still making out with chick*

Eikomiel: *frowns* “…Daddy?”

Franswa Beppins: *frown* “I really should have a talk with him…”

Eikomiel: “Daddy’s scoring again.”

Franswa Beppins: “Yeah. Definitely need to have a talk.”

Narrator: “And so while the new babysitter was trying to bring father and daughter back together, King Reno was trying to bring death to the crazy vampire guy who lived on the mountain. And the books Royal Aide Red the XIIIth had gotten for him were not helping.”

King Reno: *throws down another book* “Ugh! If I read one more thing about a stake through the heart my eyes will explode! I can’t believe there aren’t a lot of ways to kill this guy!”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “Perhaps you should think up another plan, sire.”

King Reno: “That’ll take way too long. It’ll probably be a lot faster to invent a gun that contains the power of the sun.” *pause* “You think you can handle that?”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “No.”

King Reno: *sigh* “Fine. Get me some of those stakes then. And a gun with some silver bullets!”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “That’s for a werewolf, your majesty.”

King Reno: “What? Oh, all those stupid monsters look the same after you’ve been drinking as much as I have.”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: *sigh*

Narrator: “And so King Reno set out on his journey, armed with the wooden stakes and his own stupidity.”

King Reno: “And booze!”

Narrator: “…And booze. Anyway, once again we return to the castle of King Seifer, who has just recently been turned into a portrait of himself because he never ceased to be the same jerk that he always was.”

King Seifer: “I can hear you!”

Narrator: “I know. Anyway, so his wife, Queen Ashley, had gone with her father to help him hang his new portrait of King Sephiroth. It took them a long time to find an empty wall, but eventually she did wander back to look for her husband.”

(queen Ashley enters the hall looking around in confusion. Vinrese is behind her)

Queen Ashley: “Seifer?! Seifer!?” *pauses and frowns* “Where is that dumb idiot??”

King Seifer: “I’m over here!”

Narrator: “Queen Ashley followed her husband’s voice and was shocked to see he had been transformed into a portrait.”

Queen Ashley: *jaw drops* “What the hell happened here?!”

King Seifer: “Uh…well remember that fairy that turned me into a beast?”

Queen Ashley: “Yeah…”

King Seifer: “Yeah, she came back.”

Queen Ashley: “What!? Are you trying to tell me you fell for the same trick twice?!”

King Seifer: “Well it doesn’t sound good when you put it that way…”

Queen Ashley: “You IDIOT! If I could I’d slap you upside the head!”

King Seifer: “I don’t believe I got cursed *again*! I’m sick of being cursed!”

Vinrese: *sigh* “I know what you mean.”

Queen Ashley: *looks at him in confusion* “Huh?”

Vinrese: “I never told you? I’m cursed as well. I have to sleep in a coffin forever until my dream man comes and rescues me.” *smiles at a portrait of king sephiroth*

Queen Ashley: *thinks he’s crazy* “Uh-huh… Okay, dad, maybe you better go lie down now.”

King Seifer: “Hey! What about me?”

Queen Ashley: “Look, I don’t know what the conditions of your curse are, but I hope you stay like that for a long time.”

King Seifer: “What?! Ashley! You can’t leave me here!”

(queen Ashley turns away to leave, leading her father with her)

King Seifer: “You should at least carry me around!”

Narrator: “But the Queen and her somewhat delusional father were gone. Meanwhile, the evil Reevston had been spying around the corner and heard the whole thing.”

Reevston: *looks up with a book in his hands* “Huh? Oh, I was just passing by from the library. Horrible about the King, isn’t it?”

Narrator: “Uh, no. This is the perfect opportunity for you.”

Reevston: “Why? Does he need an architect?”

Narrator: “No! It’s the perfect opportunity for you to steal his wife!”

Reevston: “What?! Why would I want to do that?!”

Narrator: “Because you’re evil and full of spite!”

Reeveston: “The only one who’s evil and full of spite is you!”

Narrator: “Hey! Get back here!”

(but reevston quickly flees)

Narrator: *annoyed sigh* “Fine. Well, he’s still going to try and steal Ashley back. No matter what he says. Forget him. We next return to the Kingdom of King Rufus, who was having his son, Rufus Jr., under 24-hour watch since Rumpelgyahaahaa returned to tell Queen Shell he was returning to take him away. Sadly, the King still did not understand exactly how Rumpelgyahaahaa operates, and was not prepared for him randomly showing up.”

(king rufus and queen shell are playing with their son…well, queen shell is filing her nails, when rumpelgyaahaahaa appears.)

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Gya haa haa! I’m back!”

King Rufus: *yanks away rufus jr.* “Omg! This walrus can talk!”

Queen Shell: “That’s not a talking walrus. That’s Rumpelgyahaahaa.”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Give me the boy! Gya haa haa!”

King Rufus: “Go away! You have no right to be here! I’ll call for my guards, and they’ll kill you on sight!”

Queen Shell: “Yeah! I gave you what you were owed, so back off!”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “You can’t prove it! Gya haa haa! We had no written contract!”

Queen Shell: “So what? We had a verbal agreement!”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “That’s not binding! Gya haa haa!”

King Rufus: “Yes it is! A verbal agreement will hold up in court in this Kingdom – and I should know, ’cause I’m the King!”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “…Gya?”

King Rufus: “Yeah! So if I were you I would go read the big book of kingdom law, and get the hell out of here!”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Foiled again! Gya haa haa!”

Narrator: “And with those words, Rumpelgyahaahaa disappeared for good.”

Queen Shell: “Well that was easy. Thank god you pay attention to the laws of the Kingdom.”

King Rufus: “Of course I do! Who do you think I am? King Reno?”

(they both laugh)

Narrator: “And a good laugh at the expense of King Reno was had by all. Back in the forest, the three Garden students finally had a plan to get Squallbear’s father out of their house…”

(we see the house which is totally clean and bare. And when I say bare I mean there is no furniture in it at all. Zellbear, rinoabear and squallbear are in the center of the room looking nervous)

Squallbear: *checks watch* “He should be back any minute.”

Zellbear: “Are you sure this is going to work? We paid a lot of money for that storage space!”

Rinoabear: “Of course it will! Who would want to live without any possessions at all?”

Zellbear: “Uh…a monk?”

Rinoabear: “This isn’t a trivia contest.”

(then the door opens and prez-laguna bounds in)

Prez-Laguna: “Hey, hey! Where’s my favorite son?” *comes over and ruffles squallbear’s hair*

Squallbear: “I hate you so much it burns.”

Rinoabear: “Hey there! Welcome home!”

Prez-Laguna: *looking around in confusion* “Hey hey…where’s all the furniture?”

Zellbear: “Oh, we got rid of it!”

Prez-Laguna: “What?”

Squallbear: “Yeah. We don’t have stuff anymore.”

Rinoabear: “We’re living as minimalists now. No furniture, no fun stuff, no nothing!”

Narrator: “And so Prez-Laguna’s face fell. But not for long.”

Prez-Laguna: *grins* “That’s cool! I can dig it!”

(and he goes off into the next room whistling. The three students look shocked.)

Narrator: “Needless to say the three Garden students were shocked. But they really shouldn’t have been, considering the plan came from Rinoabear.”

(zellbear and squallbear turn to glare at rinoabear)

Squallbear: “You said it would work!”

Rinoabear: “It should have worked! I don’t get it!”

Zellbear: “Well it didn’t! And now we have no stuff!”

Narrator: “And so we leave this unlucky trio wallowing in the mess that they made. And, as usual, we will skip the story of King Sephiroth and Queen Lark for now, and instead go to the story of King Irvine, his daughter Eikomiel and the new and somewhat strange babysitter, Franswa Beppins.”

(franswa beppins and eikomiel are putting on their shoes and getting ready to go out)

Eikomiel: “Yay! I can’t wait to go put my money in the bank!”

Franswa Beppins: “I’m glad to hear that honey, because if you keep spending so much time on that beach you’re going to have permanent skin damage.”

Eikomiel: *frowns* “Daddy spends a lot of time on the beach.”

Franswa Beppins: “I know.”

Eikomiel: “Is *he* going to have permanent skin damage?”

Franswa Beppins: “He’ll get some kind of damage if he keeps hanging out with all those questionable women.”

Eikomiel: *frowns* “Daddy said he’s hunting for a new mommy!”

Franswa Beppins: “Is that what he told you?” *sigh* “I really have to have a talk with him.”

Eikomiel: “Do you think my daddy lied to me?”

Franswa Beppins: “Now Eikomiel, your dad is not a bad person. He’s just really confused now that your mommy is gone.”

Narrator: “And at that inopportune moment King Irvine chose to walk by on his way to the beach.”

King Irvine: *walking by* “Hey, honey! Bye, honey!”

Franswa Beppins: “Hold up a minute, your majesty.”

King Irvine: *stops* “All right, but this better be quick. I got a bunch of fine ladies waiting down at the beach for the ‘royal treatment’, if you know what I mean.” *wink wink*

Franswa Beppins: “Uh, sure. Eikomiel, why don’t you wait for me outside?”

Eikomiel: “Okay!” *she goes outside*

Franswa Beppins: “Your majesty, I think it’s great that you found the time to find a proper nanny for your daughter. After all, you are a King and you are…busy. But that doesn’t mean you should stop spending time with her. I’m not a replacement for you. Your daughter misses her mother very much and you’re all she has left. She needs to know the one parent she still has still loves her.”

King Irvine: *frowns* “I never thought about it that way.”

Franswa Beppins: *mumbles* “I don’t think you’ve been doing much thinking with your *brain* lately.”

King Irvine: “Thanks, Franswa Beppins. I’ll start spending more time with my daughter.” *grins* “Right after I nail those chicks!”

(he starts to walk away but franswa beppins grabs his shoulder)

Franswa Beppins: “No, *now*. She’s all excited about going to the bank.”

King Irvine: *whines* “The bank?!” *sigh* “Fine. Tell those chicks to wait in my chambers. I’ll nail them later.”

Franswa Beppins: *sigh*

Narrator: “And so Franswa Beppins got father and daughter together again, and King Irvine still got to have sex. Again. Anyway, we next go back to the story of King Reno, who was foolishly heading up a mountain to kill a vampire for the fame and respect he thought he deserved. Of course, King Reno had no idea what he was doing, and he was drunk when he got there.”

King Reno: “I’m only half drunk!”

Narrator: “Whatever.”

(and sure enough king reno has arrived at the huge castle. He’s holding a wooden stake and has several more strapped to his belt. He looks a bit intimidated. But he takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. A moment later, dracula opens it)

King Reno: “Uh, hi. Are you the weird, creepy vampire who lives on the mountain?”

Dracula: “I’m a what now?”

King Reno: “Uh…”

Dracula: “Are you a Beppins?”

King Reno: “A what?”

Dracula: “Are you?”

King Reno: “What if I am?”

Narrator: “And with that Dracula transformed himself into the most hideous beast anyone had ever laid eyes on.”

King Reno: *recoils in fear* “AHHH!”

Dracula: “Well? Are you?”

King Reno: “No!!! No I’m not! For the love of god I’m not!”

Dracula: *turns back to normal* “Oh! Okay! Are you selling something then? Because I like to buy stuff!”

King Reno: “No. Actually, I came here to kill you.”

Dracula: *chuckles* “Oh, lots of people try and do that. I bet my name’s on a bathroom wall somewhere! Ha, ha, ha. You wanna come in and have a drink of blood with me? It’s good for what ails ya!”

King Reno: “Uh, no.” *pause* “I’m kinda confused…and for once I don’t think it’s the influence of the tons of booze I just drank. I said I came here to kill you, and you don’t care?”

Dracula: “Nope!” *pause* “Unless you’re a Beppins. And you’re not a Beppins, right?”

King Reno: *waving hands no madly* “No! No, I’m not! Please don’t turn into whatever the hell that was again!”

Dracula: *chuckles* “Guess I’m not as cuddly as I used to be!”

King Reno: “So you’re not even going to fight back while I try to kill you?”

Dracula: “Are you gonna try now?”

King Reno: *shrugs* “I guess so.”

Dracula: “Okay then.”

Narrator: “And with that Dracula morphed into something even more horrible than what he had turned into previously.”

King Reno: *screams* “OMG!”

Dracula: *chuckles* “Okay! I’m ready now!”

King Reno: “Oh f*ck this!”

Narrator: “And so King Reno fled back down the mountain, getting away from that scary vampire as fast as he could.”

Dracula: *turns back to normal* “Great! More blood for me!”

Narrator: “Once he returned to the castle, King Reno returned to his throne room where Royal Aide Red the XIIIth was already waiting for him.”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: *goes to speak*

King Reno: “We’re on plan B now! Invite all the rulers of all the surrounding kingdoms! We are gonna throw the most rockin’ party that any of them have ever seen!”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: *sigh* “I’ll call the caterer.”

Narrator: “Meanwhile, back in the castle of King Seifer, he was still a portrait, and he wasn’t happy about it.”

King Seifer: *yelling* “Ashley!!! Ashleyeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Come on!”

Narrator: “And while the poor King suffered the consequences of his own stupid actions, the cunning Reevston was plotting a way to steal his wife.”

(cut to reevston who is sitting by a fireplace reading a book)

Reevston: “I am not planning anything. I’m trying to read this book. Leave me alone!”

Narrator: “No! Get up! You are ruining the story!”

Reevston: “No! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I’m not a villain!”

Narrator: “Yes you are! Now you go find the Queen and you put the moves on her!”

Reevston: *annoyed sigh* “You know, I miss the King. If he were here, he’d kick your ass.”

Narrator: “No!! What did you just do?!”

(and sure enough because reevston missed him, king seifer transforms back into his old self.)

King Seifer: *jumps up and down* “I’m back to normal!”

Queen Ashley: *comes in* “You’re back already? That was fast.”

King Seifer: “I’m back! I’m back because you missed me.” *hugs her*

Queen Ashley: “I didn’t miss you. I’ve been watching Lord of the Rings for the past few hours and missing Orlando Bloom whenever he wasn’t on screen.”

King Seifer: *frowns* “But someone missed me. Because I’m back.”

Queen Ashley: “Maybe it was one of those two servants of yours that never showed up in this story for some reason.”

King Seifer: *shrugs* “Maybe.”

Narrator: “Ugh, I don’t believe this! That idiot ruined the whole story!”

Reevston: “Well, you are the narrator. You really should close things up now.”

Narrator: “You want me to close things up? Really? Okay! And so the stupid King was turned back into his stupid self because stupid Reevston broke the spell because he’s a stupid idiot.”

Reevston: “You said the word ‘stupid’ way too much.”

Narrator: “Now you’re just *trying* to piss me off!”

Reevston: *smiles* “Yup!”

Narrator: “Fine. Whatever. I’m going to go to the next and *better* story now. When we last left off Queen Lark was going to go talk to King Brady, the strange monarch who had just shown up at the castle out of nowhere, claiming he was the one who was supposed to wake her.”

(queen lark knocks on the door to the room where king Brady is staying. He opens it a minute later and looks shocked to see her)

Queen Lark: “Hello! How is everything?”

King Brady: “Oh, my lady. I wasn’t expecting you. Everything is wonderful. Thank you for letting me stay.”

Queen Lark: “You’re most welcome. …Am I interrupting something?”

King Brady: “No.” *steps aside* “Please, come in.”

Narrator: “And she did.”

Queen Lark: “I have to admit I didn’t come here just to see if the room was to your liking.”

King Brady: “I didn’t think so. Are you wondering about the prophecy?”

Queen Lark: *nods*

King Brady: *sigh* “Well I’m afraid I don’t think it’s much of anything, considering it’s already been done…”

Queen Lark: “Please. I really want to know.”

King Brady: “…Very well. As most Kings do, I sent away to the mysterious yet all knowing oracle.”

Queen Lark: “Hold up a second there. You *sent away* to the oracle? Isn’t he supposed to come to you?”

King Brady: “He used to. But now he don’t like to travel all around to the various kingdoms so much. So now all us Kings just fill out the application and mail it to him along with a piece of hair, a handwriting sample, and a picture of our palm.”

Queen Lark: “Wow. Things sure aren’t like they used to be.”

King Brady: “You’re telling me. Anyway, I waited my six to eight weeks and finally my reply from the oracle arrived. And it said that I had to travel to a far off kingdom and awaken my future bride with the kiss of true love. So I set off to follow the prophecy right away. But, well, you know the rest.”

Queen Lark: “Well, I guess the oracle can’t always be right.”

King Brady: “I guess not…but I’d be the first.”

Queen Lark: *frowns*

King Brady: “What did your husband’s say?”

Queen Lark: “Huh?”

King Brady: “His prophecy. He must have sent away for one. All the princes do.”

Queen Lark: “You know…he’s never mentioned it.”

Narrator: “And so Queen Lark quickly excused herself from the conversation and went off to find her husband. She was in such a hurry that she didn’t notice the three fairies huddled next to the door.”

Fairy Elena: “The oracle, of course! How could we forget?”

Fairy Tseng: “Well he’s so snooty he almost never comes down from that mansion of his anymore.”

Fairy Rude: “Why would he want to? That place has a hot tub!”

Fairy Elena: *pause* “Well, should we follow her again?”

Fairy Tseng: “I don’t see why not.”

Fairy Rude: “Especially since the first level of the castle is *cooler*.”

Fairy Tseng: “We should have made you keep the skirt.”

Narrator: “And so the three fairies followed the Queen downstairs, where she found her husband pouting on his throne.”

Queen Lark: “There you are… I have a question for you.”

King Sephiroth: “Does it involve that stupid loser who’s currently stinkin’ up our castle?”

Queen Lark: “Uh, no.”

King Sephiroth: “Then what is it?”

Queen Lark: “Did you send away to the oracle when you were younger?”

King Sephiroth: “Of course! I had to!” *frowns* “They made me pull out some of my hair…”

Queen Lark: “Well, what did it say?”

King Sephiroth: *thoughtfully* “You know, I don’t think I ever got that back… Damn unreliable mail.”

Narrator: “This news shocked the young Queen. It also shocked the three fairies, who were hiding behind the corner.”

Fairy Elena: “I don’t believe this! He never got his prophecy?”

Fairy Tseng: “That is strange… But it doesn’t explain how he broke the spell.”

Fairy Rude: *trying to rip his pants* “I just want to break these pants!” *struggles* “What is this made of?! Chain mail?!”

Narrator: “Back in the throne room, Royal Aide Kuja entered with an official looking document.”

Royal Aide Kuja: “Your majesty, this invitation just came for you. It comes from King Reno of the Kingdom of Grooviness.”

King Sephiroth: “Oh god. He better not want to borrow money again.” *grabs it*

Narrator: “And so the King read the invitation, which invited him and his royal entourage to his castle for the best party of the ages.”

King Sephiroth: “It seems he’s having a party. And we’re invited.”

Queen Lark: “Oh! Well that should be fun.”

Narrator: “And fun was expected by all as the royalty of the surrounding kingdoms arrived in the Kingdom of Grooviness for the big bash King Reno was throwing. Everyone was there. King Rufus and Queen Shell, King Brady, King Algus and Prince Zidane, King Irvine, King Seifer and Queen Ashley and, of course, King Sephiroth and Queen Lark. And they brought their various servants with them. King Reno also invited the President of Ether Publishing, and he chose to bring his son and his two friends with him.”

Rinoabear: “It sure was nice of your dad to take us to this party! Look at this place! We’re surrounded by royalty!”

Squallbear: “I don’t care what he does. I still hate him.”

Zellbear: “I’m just glad I get to sleep in a bed again! Why can’t we stop pretending to be minimalists?”

Rinoabear: “Because! Maybe there’s still a chance that he’ll get fed up with our kooky lifestyle and leave!”

Prez-Laguna: “Hey, hey, kids! What’s up? You know, I gotta admit that sleeping on the floor is great! My back’s never felt better! Well, party on!”

(he goes off. Zellbear and squallbear glare at rinoabear.)

Rinoabear: *sweat drops* “Okay, so maybe I’ll reconsider…”

Narrator: “At the party, Queen Lark ran into her old lover Prince Zidane, who had come to the party with his tight fisted Uncle, King Algus.”

Prince Zidane: “Lark, there you are! I was hoping you’d be here. How are you?”

Queen Lark: “I’m…fine.” *thin smile* “How are you?”

Prince Zidane: *annoyed sigh* “I’ve been better. My Uncle wants me to train for the military, but I really have no interest. He’s so annoying about it. He keeps badgering me about it, telling me it’s my duty or something. It’s like I’m his slave or something.”

Queen Lark: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Prince Zidane: *shrugs* “Otherwise I can’t complain. How are you and your husband doing?”

Queen Lark: *distantly* “Oh…we’re…fine…”

Narrator: “It was at that moment King Sephiroth came to his wife’s side, glaring daggers at the prince.”

King Sephiroth: “Darling, that man over there is staring at me funny.”

(they all look over to where vinrese is staring dreamily at him)

Prince Zidane: “Well, you are hot.”

King Sephiroth: *blink blink* “Are you hitting on me?”

Prince Zidane: *grins* “It’s all good.”

King Sephiroth: *tugging queen lark’s dress* “Let’s go.”

Narrator: “Meanwhile, across the party, King Rufus was catching up with King Algus.”

King Rufus: *showing off pictures* “Aren’t these portraits great? They were worth the millions of dollars I paid for them. They truly capture my son’s good looks!”

Queen Shell: *rolls eyes*

King Algus: “Yes, Rufus, he is quite a handsome child.”

King Rufus: *putting them away* “Well, enough about me, I guess. How is that nephew of yours?”

King Algus: *rolls eyes* “Just as disobedient as ever. He refuses to take his place as leader of our troops!”

King Rufus: “My son will be the leader of *our* troops some day!”

Queen Shell: “He’s my kid and the bragging is still boring me.”

Narrator: “Meanwhile, King Seifer and Queen Ashley had not only brought her father Vinrese with them, but also that asslancing, useless Reevston as well.”

King Seifer: *arm around reevston* “We’re best friends now! Because he missed me when no one else did!”

Narrator: “That’s just sad.”

Reevston: “Say what you want about me. The fact is everyone knows I’m not really the villain you try and make me out to be.”

Narrator: “All everyone will know is that you totally ruined your entire story.”

Queen Ashley: “Would you two stop bickering?! You’re ruining my time at this party. And dad, stop staring at King Sephiroth. You’re creeping him out.”

Vinrese: *dreamy sigh* “He’s even more beautiful in person.”

Narrator: “While Vinrese molested King Sephiroth with his eyes, King Brady was trapped in a conversation with the President of Ether Publishing.”

Prez-Laguna: “Yeah, the kingdom’s been in fine shape since you’ve been gone! All my comics have been selling great! I’m really rich! So rich I could probably buy a kingdom if I wanted to! But right now I’m living with my son! I’m making up for all the lost time!”

King Brady: *looking at queen lark* “Uh huh…”

Narrator: “And King Reno and King Irvine had bonded over their love of porn.”

King Irvine: “Dude, you’re cooler than I thought you were!”

King Reno: “Really??”

King Irvine: “A little.”

Narrator: “While this was going on the three fairies kept careful watch on their Queen.”

Fairy Rude: *clears throat* “Ahem.”

Narrator: *sigh* “And Fairy Rude had turned his pants into shorts.”

Fairy Rude: *showing off shorts* “I had to use a sword.”

Fairy Elena: “I don’t know why you didn’t just use magic. We are *fairies*.”

Fairy Rude: “…You could have reminded me of that earlier!”

Fairy Tseng: *sigh* “I just can’t enjoy myself.”

Fairy Rude: “Why? I’ve stopped complaining for once.”

Fairy Tseng: “Yeah, but I just can’t stop thinking about that prophecy. What if my spell was wrong?”

Narrator: “And at that moment a hurried looking messenger rushed into the room, a worn looking piece of paper in hand.”

(the messenger comes in, looks around, and quickly runs over to king sephiroth)

Messenger: “Your majesty!” *bows* “Delivery for you, sire!”

King Sephiroth: *snatches it* “What’s so important that it couldn’t wait?” *looks at the envelope* “This is dated fifteen years ago!”

Messenger: “It fell between the seats on the carriage.”

King Sephiroth: *waves hand* “Whatever. Get lost.”

(the messenger leaves. king sephiroth opens up the envelope and as he reads it he gets paler and paler)

Queen Lark: *frowns* “What is it?”

King Sephiroth: “It’s…it’s my prophecy.”

Queen Lark: “Your prophecy?!”

Narrator: “At that moment the entire party grinded to a halt and everyone stared at them. King Brady and the three fairies rushed over.”

King Brady and Fairies: “Your prophecy?!”

King Brady: “You mean you’ve never seen it before?”

King Sephiroth: *shakes head no*

King Brady: “Well, what does it say?”

King Sephiroth: “It doesn’t say anything important…”

Narrator: “The king hastily tried to shove it in his pocket, but before he could Queen Lark seized it from his hand and read it aloud.”

Queen Lark: “There is a man who has been cursed to sleep in a coffin for the remainder of his life for choosing not to speak when danger threatened his kingdom. You are the one who is to remove this curse with the kiss of true love.” *pause* “*Man*?”

Everyone: “Man?”

Vinrese: “I told you!”

Queen Ashley: “I guess he wasn’t as crazy as we thought after all.”

King Sephiroth: “You?! But-but this is ridiculous! I already broke a curse!”

King Brady: “Yeah! *My* curse!”

King Sephiroth: “But I wouldn’t have been able to break it if it wasn’t meant for me!”

Narrator: “Before the two could argue further, there was a great puff of smoke and a mysterious man stepped out of the mist…”

Millif-Hojo: “I’m ba~ack!”

Fairy Elena: “I told you no one killed him.”

Queen Lark: “Oh no! It’s Millif-Hojo!” *hides behind king Brady*

King Sephiroth: “You?! Be gone! You weren’t invited to this party!”

Fairy Rude: “…I said he was the kind of guy who likes to crash a party.”

Millif-Hojo: “Oh, but you need me here all the same! Who else could explain how you awoke the sleeping Princess meant for another Prince?”

Everyone: *gasp*

King Sephiroth: *shocked* “No…”

Millif-Hojo: *laughs* “Oh yes!”

Fairy Tseng: “But I don’t understand! My spell called for only true love’s kiss to awaken her! No one else could have done it! …Unless my magic is bad…”

Millif-Hojo: “Your magic is fine, my sweet. Unfortunately it was not fool proof. You see, true love was involved in that kiss. True love of one’s self.”

Narrator: “And all eyes were on King Sephiroth.”

Queen Lark: “So you’re telling me that he was able to break the curse because he was so in love with himself?”

Millif-Hojo: *nods* “Precisely.”

King Sephiroth: “Now that is just preposterous! I may rock, but come on! No one’s *that* self centered!”

Queen Lark: “You spend two hours a day just brushing your hair.”

King Sephiroth: “So I’m a bit high maintenance! Is that a crime?”

Queen Shell: “Not in my kingdom!”

Millif-Hojo: “I’m sorry, my son, but the prophecy never lies.”

Everyone: “My *son*?!”

King Sephiroth: *hand to head* “Oh god, dad. Did you have to embarrass me in front of everyone?”

Queen Lark: “Millif-Hojo is your father?!”

King Sephiroth: “*Estranged* father. He didn’t raise me or anything. The man is clearly mentally unstable!”

King Brady: “I don’t care if your father is the guy on the Cracker Jack box! The point is you stole my destiny! I was supposed to break her curse! She’s supposed to be my wife!”

King Sephiroth: “It’s too late now! She loves me! Right, Lark?”

Queen Lark: “Well…”

King Sephiroth: *looks at her in shock*

Queen Lark: “Oh, Sephiroth… We had our good times together, but for a long time I have had the nagging feeling that I belonged somewhere else. …And so have you.”

King Sephiroth: “…I suppose no matter how hard you try, you can’t avoid your destiny.”

Queen Lark: “I suppose not.”

Narrator: “And with that the two soon to be separated royals hugged, saying good-bye to their unfitting past.”

King Reno: “Hey, now! This is a party! What happened to the music? And you, freak boy! Get lost! I don’t like people crashin’ my party for the free booze!”

Millif-Hojo: *mumbles something about cursing his first born and disappears*

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “Um, your majesty?”

King Reno: “Yeah, what up?”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “Well, uh, you certainly spared no expense at throwing this party.”

King Reno: “Of course not! Lookit all the rich people I gotta impress!”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “Right. Well I’m afraid you’ve bankrupted the kingdom, sire. Again.”

King Reno: “What?!”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “You’re broke. *Again*.”

King Reno: “Dammit! I’m sick of this high maintenance kingdom!” *annoyed sigh* “…Wait a minute…” *lightbulb* “What if I sell the kingdom?”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “What?”

King Reno: “Yeah! There has to be some idiot who wants to buy my kingdom!”

Narrator: “And with that King Reno dashed into the crowd, leaving Royal Aide Red the XIIIth to sigh sadly once again. Meanwhile, Vinrese approached the brooding King Sephiroth.”

Vinrese: “Um. Hello.”

King Sephiroth: “Oh god. I suppose you want me to break your curse now.”

Vinrese: “That would be nice. It’s dark inside my coffin, and there are spiders in there.”

King Sephiroth: “Ew.” *big sigh* “All right. Let’s get this over with.”

(king sephiroth and vinrese kiss. it is obviously quite enjoyable for both. king sephiroth draws away looking impressed)

King Sephiroth: “Wow.” *pause* “…Well. They do say the prophecy is never wrong…”

Vinrese: *big smile*

Narrator: “Meanwhile, the President of Ether Publishing excitedly ran over to his son.”

Prez-Laguna: “I’m moving out!”

Squallbear: “What?”

Prez-Laguna: “I just bought this entire kingdom, so I’m going to come here and rule!”

Squallbear: *blink blink* “Are you kidding me?”

Prez-Laguna: “Nope! And that’s King Dad to you now, son!”

(he goes off. squallbear looks at his friends in shock)

Rinoabear: “…Well…I never would have guessed that one.”

Zellbear: *frowns* “Is he still going to make comics?”

Narrator: “King Reno, meanwhile, told the good news to his faithful advisor.”

King Reno: “I sold the kingdom!”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “Already?”

King Reno: “Yeah! Some people are really stupid! So anyway, King Irvine said I could come hang out at his castle. He said there’s a lot of fine chicks there. You can come too. Or you can stay here and deal with the constantly unhappy and bloodthirsty peasants.”

Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: *sigh* “Consider my bags packed.”

Narrator: “And so the party began to wind down, and Queen Lark and King Brady stole away to a private corner, the nosy fairies on their tail.”

King Brady: “Well…”

Queen Lark: “So… Well, heh, they say the prophecy is never wrong.”

King Brady: “So they say.”

Queen Lark: “You know… I have to admit I knew there was something special about you the moment I saw you.”

King Brady: “As soon as I saw you I knew you were the one I had been sent to find. I had seen you in my dreams, just as you are now.”

(and with that they kiss and slowly draw apart)

Queen Lark: “Consider me woken up.”

(meanwhile the fairies are watching)

Fairy Elena: “Awww! How sweet!”

Fairy Tseng: “I guess we’ll be moving to a new kingdom soon.”

Fairy Rude: “And it better not be cold there. Because I’m not putting back together these *%&^*@#$ pants.”

Fairy Elena and Fairy Tseng: “Shut up with the damn pants!”

Narrator: “And now we end our story. Although we don’t know how the rest of their lives turned out, we can assume, as always, it ended happily ever after.”

(and we return to the ramble room where everyone who had been in the story lies asleep on the floor. lark is the first to awaken, and she does so very slowly, as she is still woozy. she looks around and notices Brady next to her. and she also notices sephiroth and vincent lying together, sephiroth’s head on vincent’s chest.)

Lark: “Sometimes I wonder if it’s just a story.”

Happily Ever After…?


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