Zidane: “I know he’s annoying, but he’s good for one thing.”

Originally Published: 2/22/06 . 35 pages

Synopsis
Koudelka and Yuri decide to do singles mixers at the therapy center to earn some extra cash. Zidane is desperate to have sex – but is he desperate enough to go after Lloyd?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

My favorite part of this is the actual singles mixer and all the different characters interacting. The title was suggested to me by my now husband, which I thought was quite a clever play on Zidane’s last name

(we begin at the disco center. Franswa is on a break and is relaxing at his register with zidane, who is hanging out there. Nemesis is ringing up customers. Algus runs by with his cape on fire)

Algus: “How did I get on fire?!”

Rufus: *chasing after him with a bucket* “I told you not to stand too close to the defective Rufus Brand propane tanks!”

(they run off. Zidane laughs and turns to franswa)

Zidane: “I love when Algus brings me here. It’s like a Three Stooges skit.”

Franswa: “Won’t you get in trouble for not helping him?”

Zidane: “I hope so.”

Franswa: “…Okay.”

Zidane: “So did Rufus replace Rude yet?”

Franswa: “Yeah.” *points* “I don’t know where he keeps finding these people.”

(he points to the end of the one of the aisles. Zidane turns around to see nightmare walk by with a big box)

Nightmare: “Nightmare has no problem carrying puny box!”

Nemesis: *snaps* “STARS!”

Nightmare: “You want a piece of Nightmare, Nemesis?!”

Rufus: *comes over* “Nightmare! Help me mark down this fire damaged merchandise!”

(nightmare glares at nemesis, but he follows rufus off)

Zidane: “He should put a wanted ad in another paper…or something.”

Franswa: “Yeah. Nemesis and Nightmare hate one another. And Vergil doesn’t do anything about it. All he does is break stuff. Yesterday he broke my register because it gave him the wrong change.”

Zidane: “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Franswa: “Of course not! He’s the one who counted wrong!”

(just then lloyd comes by, looking surly.)

Lloyd: “Damn slippery floor tiles! I’ll get you next time!”

(he walks off. Zidane looks at franswa)

Franswa: “…He was just mopping the floor.”

Zidane: “Wow. What a weirdo.” *pause* “…But he is kinda cute…”

Franswa: “Uh, Zidane? I think you’ve been breathing in too much smoke from that propane tank fire.”

Zidane: “He might be good to practice with!”

Franswa: “Practice what?”

Zidane: “Sex!”

Franswa: *blink blink* “You’re going to use a person…to practice  sex.”

Zidane: “I would hope so!”

Franswa: “You can’t practice sex!”

Zidane: “Sure you can! If I’m going to ever sleep with Sephiroth again I’m going to need more experience.”

Franswa: “I heard he won’t drink alcohol anywhere near you anymore.”

Zidane: “For now! But when I get a few more notches on my belt, he’ll be sure to change his mind!”

Franswa: “I don’t think so. And even if you are right, why Vergil?!”

Zidane: “Because! …No one else seems to want me.”

Franswa: “No way!”

Zidane: “It’s true! I’ve asked everybody who’s bi-curious and remotely available! They all turned me down.” *frowns* “I bet it’s the tail.”

Franswa: “Did you ask one of those strippers you’ve been drooling over?”

Zidane: “No! Are you kidding me?! I can’t even talk to them normally, let alone ask one out or anything! Those men are sex gods!”

(franswa just rolls his eyes. Then the front doors of the store slide open and koudelka and yuri enter with radius)

Radius: “Why do we always leave Boogey behind?”

Koudelka: “Because I don’t need him knocking into more stuff and breaking it. It’s bad enough we’re never allowed back at the glass

museum!”

Yuri: “That place was boring anyway.”

Koudelka: “Go get your cheap vitamins and meet us back here.”

(radius goes off. Koudelka spots franswa and smiles. She and yuri head over)

Zidane: “Who’s the chick?”

Franswa: “Oh, that’s Koudelka. She and Yuri run this Video Game Character Therapy Center that we sent grandpa one to for a little

while. They come in all the time with that old man Radius.”

(koudelka and yuri come over)

Koudelka: “Hello, Franswa.”

Franswa: “Hi.”

Zidane: “Hi! I’m Zidane!”

Franswa: “Uh…sorry. Koudelka, Yuri…meet Zidane.”

Zidane: “Either of you two available?”

Yuri: “I’m not gay!”

Koudelka: “And no, sorry.”

Zidane: “Dammit! You see, Franswa? Nobody!” *sigh* “I’m doomed to a life of celibacy!”

(koudelka and yuri give one another a thoughtful look. Just then nightmare comes by with a large box. Rufus is right behind him)

Nightmare: “Puny box easy for Nightmare!”

(he slams the box down. There’s the sound of breaking glass inside)

Rufus: “You idiot! You can’t just slam that box down! You broke the glasses!”

Nightmare: “Box says glasses already broken!”

Rufus: “Yeah, well! They’re even more broken now! I’m taking that 25 cents out of your paycheck!”

Nightmare: “Nightmare doesn’t care about twenty-five measly cents!”

Rufus: “Oh yeah, tough guy? Well make it a dollar then! How are you going to feed your family now?!”

Nightmare: *sigh* “Nightmare has no family.” *hangs head* “Nightmare so lonely…”

(koudelka and yuri look at one another again, this time with a lightbulb over the head look. She turns to franswa)

Koudelka: “Hey, Franswa? Do you have a piece of paper and a pen?”

Franswa: *hands her one of each* “Yeah.”

(she quickly takes the paper and pen and starts writing something.)

Yuri: “You sure about this, Koudelka?”

Koudelka: “Of course, Yuri! This idea’s a winner!”

(she finishes writing it and shows it to him.)

Are you a single video game character who longs for someone to love?

Well then come on down to the singles mixers at the Video Game Character Therapy Center!

Every Friday Night from 8 to Midnight!

Straight/Gay/Bi/Whatever! Everyone is welcome!

Just $10 a head at the door!

You’ll never be lonely again!

Yuri: “Koudelka! Tomorrow’s Friday!”

Koudelka: “We can pull it off. We just need to find a place to get some cheap liquor.”

Franswa: “Do *not* buy it here. Not only is it contaminated, it’s been sitting there for way too long.”

Koudelka: “…I’m sure we can think of something. Do you have a copy machine here?”

Franswa: “Yeah. I’ll make some copies for you.”

(he takes the sheet and goes off. Zidane follows him)

Yuri: “I don’t know about this, Koudelka…”

Koudelka: “Yuri, I can read your mind. You thought of the idea the same time I did!”

Yuri: “I know, but do you really think it’s a great idea to get together a bunch of single video game characters and give them alcohol?”

Koudelka: “Yes! Now we have to hang these posters all over the place!” *pause* “Hm. I’ll ask the owner if we can hang some here.”

(and so she goes over to rufus, who is looking at some boxes of roofies brand cereal in aisle one)

Rufus: “Where do all these worms keep coming from…?”

Koudelka: “Mr. Shinra?”

Rufus: *turns around* “Oh! Yes! How can I help you?”

Koudelka: “I made up a poster about a singles mixer we’re having down at the center, and I want to put one up in your store.”

Rufus: “I don’t want to have all kinds of crap in the windows! This is above one of those common grocery stores!”

Algus: *runs over* “Rufus! One of the Rufus Brand cat toys suddenly exploded!”

Rufus: “How can they explode?!” *annoyed sigh* “Get Nightmare. I’ll be there in a minute.”

(algus goes off. Rufus turns back to koudelka)

Koudelka: “…Yeah. This is real classy joint you’re running.”

Rufus: “…Shut up! No advertisements in my windows!”

Koudelka: “Okay, fine. Then I guess I’ll put up the posters elsewhere. I’ll just add a bit on the bottom about how you come to the villain support group every week.”

Rufus: “……………Fine! Put them up! But only because you keep bringing in that old man to buy my placebo vitamins!”

Radius: *coming around the corner* “What’s that about the vitamins?”

Rufus: *nervous laughter* “Nothing, my good man! You enjoy that fine, quality Rufus brand product!”

Algus: *calls* “Rufus! Everything reeks of cap nip!”

Rufus: “Dammit!”

(he runs off. Franswa and zidane return with a big stack of posters)

Koudelka: “Thanks, Franswa. You’re the best. And as a thank you I’ll let you and your friend in for free at the first mixer.”

Zidane: “Really? Awesome!”

Koudelka: “I’ll see you there. Mind putting one of these in the window?”

(she hands them back one of the posters, then collects radius and yuri. They check out and leave. All the while zidane is looking at the

poster)

Zidane: “Awesome! A singles mixer! I bet we can meet people there!”

Franswa: “I don’t really wanna go…”

Zidane: “What?! Are you crazy?! She’s letting us in for free! And when something’s free, you take it!”

Franswa: *sigh* “I guess.”

Zidane: “Let’s go put this in the window.”

(they go over to the window)

Zidane: “Hey…why are all these cats outside?”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later at the center…koudelka and yuri are at the desk. Yuri is hanging up the phone)

Yuri: “Forget it, Koudelka! I can’t find anyone willing to give us a good deal on alcohol at such short notice!”

Koudelka: “You’re not trying hard enough! Get back on the phone!”

(yuri mumbles unhappily and gets back on the phone. Then the door opens and tifa comes in with reno and richter)

Tifa: “Thanks again for the ride, Reno.”

Reno: “No problem, Tifa. Maybe you can testify in court for me when I try and get my license back.”

Tifa: “Uh…maybe.” *to richter* “You really have to get another car.”

Richter: “I realize this! This never was a problem until Franswa had the funny idea of getting a job and needing to drive himself to work!”

Koudelka: “Hi, Tifa! How are you?”

Tifa: “I’m good, thanks! How’s Cloud?”

Koudelka: *shrugs* “The same. They’re having alone time right now but the session will be over in a few minutes.”

(tifa takes off her coat and she’s 4 months pregnant now and noticeably bigger)

Koudelka: *blink blink* “Wow. You look great.”

Tifa: “Thanks… I’ve been lucky. I’m not gaining weight all over.”

Koudelka: “When are you due?”

Tifa: “In July.”

Koudelka: “Do you know what sex the baby is?”

Richter: “It’s a boy! Of course!”

Koudelka: “Really. I have a boy myself, actually.”

Tifa: “Oh yeah? I didn’t know you had a child.”

Koudelka: “Yeah. When I was pregnant I used to read my baby’s mind all the time. It was kind of funny.”

Tifa: “Really?” *pause* “…Do you think…you could read my baby’s mind?”

Koudelka: “I don’t see why not.”

(so she comes over and puts a hand on tifa’s stomach. Then she closes her eyes for a minute. Then she opens them looking very shocked)

Koudelka: “Whoa.”

Tifa: “What!?”

Koudelka: “I never thought I’d meet a baby so intent on killing vampires.”

Richter: *joyfully* “That’s my boy!”

Yuri: *hangs up the phone again* “Dammit! It’s impossible! I can’t find cheap booze anywhere!”

Reno: *perks up* “Did someone say booze, or am I hallucinating?”

Yuri: “I’m trying to find cheap alcohol for the singles mixer we’re having tomorrow night. But no one will work with me on such short

notice!”

Reno: “Well I co-own a bar! Maybe I can help you out! What singles mixer?”

Yuri: *hands him a flyer* “Take a look.”

Reno: “Cool! Do you think a lot of skanky chicks will show up?”

Yuri: “I hope so.”

Reno: “Yeah! Now that’s what I’m talking about! Okay, well my bar will hook you up for real cheap! Just let us put some ads around the room. And me and my buddy Irvine get in for free.”

Yuri: “Sounds good to me! Koudelka..?”

Koudelka: “Sure, why not? And take some flyers to hang up.”

Reno: *takes a stack* “You got it. You can always count on Reno to hook you up!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so the gang returns back to the ramble room. Reno walks in and immediately tapes one of the flyers on the wall. In the room are

irvine, zidane, lark, sephiroth, rufus, algus, edgar and setzer)

Irvine: “What’s that?”

Reno: “It’s this singles mixer that’s going down tomorrow night! We’re supplying the booze for cheap in exchange for free advertising and free admission!”

Irvine: “Awesome! There are bound to be loose women there!”

Reno: “Don’t you know it!” *high five*

Zidane: “Hey, where’d you get all those flyers?”

Reno: “That chick Koudelka gave ’em to me to hand out.”

Zidane: “Mind if I grab a couple of those?”

Reno: “No prob, Z.” *gives zidane some* “You gonna hang ’em up where skanky girls hang out?”

Zidane: “Reno, if I knew where the skanky girls hung out do you think I’d be here right now?”

(he, reno and irvine all laugh. Then zidane leaves.)

Irvine: “Hey, man, we gotta put some of these up in the bar tonight!”

Reno: “Yup. And we better put them up where lots of slutty girls will go!”

Rufus: “Will you two stop talking about slutty girls?!”

Reno: “You’re just jealous because you don’t know where they are!”

Rufus: *rolls eyes* “Yeah. Right.”

Irvine: *frowns* “Hey, Reno? Where *do* they hang out?”

Reno: “Uh…well…I’ve been meetin’ some mostly at the bar lately…”

Irvine: “Yeah.” *pause* “Maybe we should ask someone.”

Reno: “Yeah! Hey, Lark! Where do skanky chicks hang out?”

Lark: “Hey! Why are you asking me?!”

Irvine: “Maybe we better go find some pirates.” *snickers*

Lark: “That’s not true!”

Reno: “Dude, let’s go put these up in the bar. We’ll think of something later.”

(he and irvine leave. Lark gets up and looks at the poster)

Lark: “A singles mixer, huh? That sounds like fun!”

Rufus: “I doubt anyone there will be good enough for me!” *pause* “But it doesn’t hurt to look.” *looks at algus* “You wanna go with me?”

Sephiroth: “The whole point is to find someone at the party, Shinra. Not show up with a date.”

Rufus: “Algus isn’t my date!”

Algus: “Indeed not! I am his heterosexual male companion! Just like Edgar and Setzer here! Right, friends?”

Edgar and Setzer: *sweat drops* “…Sure…”

Algus: “Certainly I will accompany you, Rufus! I would never pick up a girl at a common peasant shindig unless I was looking for venereal disease, but I stick by my friend.”

Rufus: *to edgar and setzer* “You guys should come too!”

Both: “Uh…”

Edgar: *nervous chuckle* “As much as I love to woo the ladies, I believe I have plans for tomorrow night.”

Setzer: “Me too.”

Lark: “Are you going, Sephy?”

Sephiroth: “Me? Go to a singles mixer? I don’t think so! What kind of loser do you take me for? I don’t need to pay ten bucks to find a date!” *very long pause* “But I would like to show my face and make everyone else feel bad about themselves.”

Lark: *rolls eyes* “Uh-huh.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, zidane has taken the posters and gone across the street to dante and lloyd’s. he knocks on the door and lloyd answers)

Zidane: “Oh. Hey there.”

Lloyd: “What do *you* want?”

Zidane: “Don’t you recognize me? I hang out in your store all the time. I’m Rufus’ friend’s…uh…unpaid assistant.”

Lloyd: “Don’t you mean slave?”

Zidane: “…That’s the politically incorrect term for it, yeah. Is your brother home?”

Lloyd: *rolls eyes* “You mean Dante the dofus? Yeah.” *yells* “DANTE! GET YOUR DUMB ASS DOWN HERE!”

Dante: “In a minute, Lloyd!”

Lloyd: “Call me VERGIL you horses’ ass!” *scowls and looks at zidane* “What’s that you’ve got?”

Zidane: “Oh, just some flyers for a singles mixer happening tomorrow night.” *holds one out* “Want one?”

(lloyd snatches it and looks it over)

Lloyd: “Only ten bucks?”

Zidane: “Yeah! You should come. Maybe you’ll meet someone.” *grin*

(then dante comes thundering down the stairs)

Dante: “Heeeey, Z! What’s happening?” *looks at lloyd* “Get lost, Lloyd.”

Lloyd: “It’s a free dimension, Dante! And my name is #$%^!@#$ Vergil!”

Zidane: “I have some flyers I want you to put up in the strip club.”

(he hands dante some flyers, and dante looks them over)

Dante: “Yeah, sure thing, man.”

Lloyd: “No one wants any of the stupid skanks from your club showing up, Dante!”

Zidane: “Hey! Speak for yourself!”

Dante: “He always does. Right, Lloyd?”

Lloyd: “It’s VERGIL!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, sephiroth goes over to alucard’s and bangs on the door. alucard answers promptly)

Sephiroth: “Because of you I’m forced to go to a singles mixer tomorrow night!”

Alucard: *blink blink* “*This* is what you come over to tell me?”

(sephiroth comes in, despite not being invited. alucard shuts the door)

Sephiroth: “I’m only going to make other people feel worse about themselves, of course. I mean if a guy as hot as me is single there’s really no hope for anyone else!”

Alucard: “How uplifting.”

(he goes into the kitchen and starts to make some tea. sephiroth plops down at the table)

Sephiroth: “So how are things with the walking disease?”

Alucard: “If you’re referring to Dante, things between us could not be better. I’m actually expecting him any minute.”

Sephiroth: “Oh great. What a fun threesome we make.”

Alucard: “Hopefully not for long.”

Sephiroth: “You’re kicking me out already?”

Alucard: “I don’t remember inviting you.”

(then dracula enters, covered head to toe in dust)

Dracula: “I don’t know what happened, Alucard, but all the sudden I woke up with these furry creatures all over me!”

Alucard: “That’s dust, dad. Were you in the basement again?”

Dracula: “If that’s where we keep the river, yes!”

Alucard: “…We don’t have a *river* in the castle, dad.”

Dracula: “Dammit, Alucard! I told you not to sell that! How will I take the goods to market now?!”

(he storms out. there’s a knock at the door. alucard moves towards the door)

Alucard: “That’s Dante.”

Sephiroth: “Okay…”

Alucard: “You have to go.”

(he goes over and drags sephiroth out of the chair)

Sephiroth: “I can’t believe this! You’re literally shoving me out the door!

Alucard: “Well, considering you don’t like Dante, I don’t have the patience to deal with you two bickering and dad being his usual self.”

Dracula’s voice: “Alucard! Am I supposed to take the goat, wolf or lettuce across first?!”

Alucard: *annoyed sigh* “You don’t have any of those things, dad!”

Dracula’s voice: “Do you think the wolf will eat the lettuce? It does look rather tasty!”

Alucard: *to sephiroth* “We’ll talk later.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah! Sure! If you’re not pushing me out the window next time!”

(alucard opens the door and dante stands there grinning)

Dante: “Hey, baby.” *sees sephiroth* “Taking out the trash?”

Sephiroth: “No. Apparently he likes it inside the house.”

Dante: “Ouch. Nice try.”

Alucard: “Sephiroth was just leaving.”

Dante: “Is he going to the singles mixer tomorrow night?” *grins at sephiroth* “Maybe you can hook up with Lloyd for real this time. He’s going.”

Sephiroth: “Really. Well. You enjoy your evening, and I’ll enjoy mine.”

(he goes off in a huff. dante chuckles and watches him go)

Dante: “Well, at least your ex is good for a laugh.”

Dracula’s voice: “Alucard! The goat is eating me!!!”

Alucard: “…Can’t say the same for dad.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day it’s time for the mixer. and it is packed. for the regular ramble gang, franswa, zidane, zell, lloyd, sephiroth, rufus, algus, elena, reno, irvine, locke, shadow, yuffie, selphie, cid and barret are all there. all the losers, except for kefka, are there as well. also there are bowser, nightmare, celes, aeris, karsh, riddel, glenn, chris redfield, lady harkan, zed, terra, maxi, gippal, taki, edea and cecila. there also are a few characters we’ve never seen before. there’s jill valentine from resident evil, and ivy, sophita and cassandra from soul caliber. of course koudelka and yuri are there as well.)

Irvine: *talking to ivy* “So, what are you into?”

Ivy: “Whips and chains mostly. Also leather. I like leather.”

Irvine: “…I was talking about hobbies and stuff, but hey, baby, can I get your number?”

(barret and cid are talking)

Barret: “Yo! I’ve been lookin’ all over the damn place and I ain’t seen no trace of cat/moo’s grandpa yet!”

Cid: “@#$@#%#^$%&#$#^#^&%^$%*$!”

Barret: “I thought we earned ourselves a night off! That’s why we’re at this here make-out party!”

Cid: “@#$#$%$#^^%&^*$^#$%#$@%#@$%^#&!!”

Barret: “What?! Damn, foo! I thought this was a make-out party!”

(meanwhile, locke spots celes, who is across the room chatting with aeris)

Locke: “Oh, crap!” *hides behind shadow* “You’ve gotta hide me!”

Shadow: “Now here’s a switch.”

Locke: “It’s Celes! I can’t let her see me! She’s crazy! Remember that time she tried to yank one of my teeth out of my mouth? I think she’s trying to build a model of me at home!”

Shadow: “Let’s get out of here!”

Locke: “No! I paid ten bucks to get in here! I’m not leaving till I get my money’s worth!”

Shadow: “She might catch on to your scent!”

Locke: “What? No! She’s not a dog!”

(meanwhile…)

Zidane: “Look at all the good looking people here!”

Franswa: *checking watch* “Man… It’s Italian Week on the Food Network…”

Zidane: “Dude! Who cares about the Food Network?! I bet most of the people in this room are looking to have sex! This raises our chances of getting lucky by like 50 percent!”

Franswa: “I didn’t come here to find a one night stand!”

Zidane: “Then why did you come here?”

Franswa: “Because you told me I had to!”

(algus comes over with a glass that is empty except for the half melted ice inside. he rattles it in front of zidane)

Algus: “Zidane. Refill my drink.”

Zidane: “Dammit, Algus! Can’t you see I’m trying to score here?”

Algus: “This isn’t a soccer match, Zidane, and the only thing you’re going to ‘score’ is more whiskey on the rocks. For me.”

(zidane scowls, grabs the glass and storms off. algus follows him. franswa stands there with a sigh. then zell suddenly runs over)

Zell: “Hey, Franswa! What are you doing here?”

Franswa: “Hey, Zell!” *sigh* “Well, I did a favor for the owner so she let me in for free. Otherwise I wouldn’t even be here. Zidane made me come.”

Zell: “Oh. You’re here with Zidane?”

Franswa: “Not really. Did you come here with someone?”

Zell: “Nah. A bunch of the guys in the ramble room were coming here, so, I just decided to tag along and see what was up.”

Franswa: “Oh. See anyone here you’re interested in?”

Zell: *is staring at franswa* “Yes.” *snaps out of it* “Er, I mean no. No. Not really. You?”

Franswa: *shrugs* “I didn’t really come here to look.”

(meanwhile, bowser is talking to sophita and cassandra)

Bowser: “So are you two twins?”

Sophita and Cassandra: “No.”

Sophita: “I’m the older sister.”

Bowser: “That’s nice, that’s nice. I have a little girl of my own. She’s my only girl. I’ve got 8 kids.” *he takes out his wallet and a bunch of pictures of the koopa kids roll out* “That’s Iggy, Lemmy, Larry, Roy, Morton, Ludwig, Wendy and Bowser Jr.” *frowns* “My ex-wife has custody, but it’s only because I’m really busy with my business.”

Cassandra: “And what business is that?”

Bowser: “…Kidnapping the Princess.”

Sophita and Cassandra: “…………”

Bowser: *eagerly* “I’m almost up to 5 kidnappings a year now.”

(selphie is talking to karsh)

Selphie: “And I like bunnies, and flowers and explosives, and pink and sunny days!”

Karsh: “……….”

Selphie: “Ooh!! Ooh!! And I just *love* rainbows! They are so pretty! And I like sparkly things too! They’re pretty! And you know what else is pretty–“

Karsh: “Omg! Just shut up!” *walks away*

Selphie: *frowns* “What a meanie!”

(celes and aeris are talking)

Celes: “I can’t believe is this is part of our so called ‘therapy’?! Like I can think of someone other than Locke!”

Aeris: “Cloud’s all I dream about at night.”

Celes: *starts crying* “Oh Locke!”

Aeris: *starts crying* “Why won’t you love me, Cloud?!”

(meanwhile, scarlet is handing out her business card. she gives it to chris)

Scarlet: “Here you go. The first twenty minutes are free.”

Chris: *looks at it then hands it back to her* “I’m saving for a trip to Europe. I’m going to fight Umbrella!”

Scarlet: “…You get points for the best excuse I’ve heard tonight.”

(she moves on. chris turns to jill, who is talking to reno)

Reno: “So, Jill Valentine, huh? You related to anyone named Vincent?”

Jill: “No.”

Chris: *taps jill on the shoulder* “Barry. Where’s Barry?”

Jill: “Barry didn’t come with us, Chris. Remember?”

Chris: “Oh. Right.”

(heidegger is standing with hojo)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I already cleaned out the buffet!”

Hojo: *scowls* “I don’t see why Kuja wanted to come to this.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Everyone grimaces at me and then looks away!”

Hojo: “And look at Scarlet try and get business! She couldn’t even sell herself on the internet.”

Heidegger: “And those people look at anything! Gya haa haa!”

(nightmare is talking to taki)

Nightmare: “Nightmare so horny!”

Taki: “Ew. …Can you even take that armor off?”

Nightmare: “Wouldn’t *you* like to know!”

Taki: *walks away*

Nightmare: *hangs head* “Nightmare…shot down again!”

(rufus runs into elena)

Rufus: “Oh! Hi, Elena! I didn’t expect to see you here.”

Elena: “Well, Tseng suggested I come and take a night off from the baby. Are you having fun?”

Rufus: *shrugs* “No one here is really my type.”

Elena: “Same here.” *whispers* “Get a load of the weirdo in the purple armor. Who’d willingly go near that guy?”

Rufus: *sweat drops* “Eh heh… I have no idea…”

(lady harkan is talking to glenn)

Lark Harkan: “So, long story short, I fell in with the demons.”

Glenn: “Interesting. My brother was also possessed by evil at one point. Well, in another world, anyway. In the other world he’s dead.”

Lady Harkan: *blink blink* “What?”

Glenn: “…I don’t even know what I’m talking about.”

(zidane returns to where franswa and zell are)

Zidane: “Stupid Algus with his stupid needs. Oh, hey, Zell.”

Zell: “What up?!”

Zidane: “All right! Are we ready to go talk to some hotties?!” *rubs hands together eagerly*

Franswa: “There are some of those strippers you like.”

Zidane: “Where!?”

Franswa: *points* “Over there.”

Zidane: “Omg, my hair doesn’t look good enough! Hide me!” *hides behind franswa*

Zell: “I don’t get it.”

Zidane: “I need to find someone in my own league!”

Zell: “Like a baseball league?”

Zidane: “You guys are hopeless!”

(zed goes over to yuffie)

Zed: “Hi! I’m Zed! I’m really cool once you get to know me!”

Yuffie: “Do you have any materia?”

Zed: “What’s that?”

Yuffie: “Forget it.” *walks away*

Zed: *calls after her* “Wait! I can get some! Why won’t anyone give me a chance?!”

(irvine is talking to riddel now)

Irvine: “So, baby, can I get your number?”

Riddel: “I don’t know… I’m still coming off a bad break-up.”

Irvine: “That’s cool. I’m not looking for anything long term. Five or six hours should do it.” *grin*

(nida goes over to ceilia)

Nida: “Hi! I’m Nida! I drive the Garden!”

Cecilia: “Hi! My name is Cecilia!”

Nida: “That’s a really pretty name!”

Cecilia: “Thanks!”

(zed comes over)

Zed: “Hi! I’m Zed! I’m really cool once you get to know me.”

Nida: “Hey! I was talking to her!”

Zed: “I don’t see your name on her!”

Nida: “Well, it should be because I’m awesome!”

Zed: “No way! ‘Cause I am!”

(they both look to where cecilia was but she’s gone)

Both: “ARGH! Stupid head!!” *storm off*

(locke is still hiding behind shadow when terra spots them)

Terra: “Locke? Is that you?”

Shadow: “Stay away! He bites!”

Locke: “Calm down, man. I’m not your whacked out fake version of Interceptor. Hey, Terra.”

Terra: “Why are you hiding?”

Locke: “Celes is over there.”

Celes: *across the room* “Oh Locke!! Why won’t you come back to me??”

Terra: “Why don’t you just leave?”

Locke: “I have to get my money’s worth!”

Terra: “So? You’ll probably just steal your ten gil back on the way back home.”

Locke: “Hey! I’m a treasure hunter!”

Celes: *looks in his direction* “…Locke?”

Locke: *ducks back behind shadow* “Let’s get outta here.”

(meanwhile, seymour and kuja are talking and looking at shadow)

Seymour: “Dammit, he’s leaving.” *sigh* “I still have such a crush on him.”

Kuja: “I’m still dying to know if he’s as hot as you think he is.”

Seymour: “Trust me. I have awesome taste in men. Even if I slept with you that one time.”

Kuja: “Oh please. I was the best you ever had.”

(sephiroth is leaning against the wall looking surly. gippal and maxi are talking to him)

Maxi: “Hey. Aren’t you Alucard’s ex-boyfriend?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah. What’s it to you?”

Gippal: “Dante’s told us you’re kinda the rough type.” *grins* “That’s kinda sexy.”

Maxi: “Plus he said you use Shimmery Silver Streaks, so you must take good care of your hair. That’s a definite turn on.”

Sephiroth: “Look, I don’t know what that skeeve’s been telling you, but I don’t date strippers! So go back to your street corner.”

(gippal and maxi walk away, but they don’t look offended)

Gippal: “Well he *is* the nasty type.”

Maxi: “And he’s got fantastic hair.”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “I never should have come here…”

(reno is talking to sophita and cassandra now)

Reno: “So are you guys twins?”

Both: “No.”

Cassandra: “We’re just sisters.”

Reno: “Hey, that’s still cool. Do you still do everything together?”

(meanwhile, irvine is talking to edea now)

Edea: “Irvine. I was your matron. I took care of you in my orphanage.”

Irvine: “I like older chicks! More experience! Besides, I forgot about most of that! It was the GF and stuff.”

Edea: “I don’t believe you.”

Irvine: “That GF really messes with your head! I can barely remember what I did yesterday!” *grins* “Or should I say *who* I did yesterday…”

Edea: “Good-bye, Irvine.” *walks away*

Irvine: *garden snap* “Dammit. And I was so close to kinky sorceress sex!”

(koudelka comes into the doorway and looks around. she spots cid smoking and frowns. she then goes over to yuri who is talking to scarlet)

Yuri: *looking at business card* “So it’s 10% off every Tuesday?”

Koudelka: “Yuri. What are you doing?”

Yuri: *shoves card back at scarlet* “Just talking to this lovely lady.”

Scarlet: “You gonna book a night or not?”

Yuri: *sweat drops* “I’ll call you later!” *pushes her away and turns to koudelka* “What’s up?”

Koudelka: “That guy over there is smoking.”

Yuri: “So what? Go talk to him then.”

Koudelka: “You’re supposed to be chaperoning!”

Yuri: “This isn’t a middle school dance!”

Koudelka: “Fine! I’ll do it!”

(she stomps over to cid, hands on her hips. barret is not with him)

Koudelka: “Hey. There’s no smoking in here.”

Cid: “#$@%#$^$&#&#^#$%@$@#%^!”

Koudelka: “This is no time for flattery. Put out that cigarette!”

Cid: *puts it out* “#@$!%@!$!@$!^#$%#$@!$@^@^@#&##?”

Koudelka: “No. I don’t date clients.”

(she stomps away. cid frowns. barret comes back)

Barret: “Yo, Cid! Who be the chick!?”

Cid: *sigh* “@#$@%^@#$^%$$@#%#@$^$&#&.”

Barret: “Bitches be cold, yo! Bitches be cold!”

(zidane is still with franswa and zell, who look rather bored)

Zidane: “All these people and still no one will have sex with me.”

Franswa: “You haven’t talked to anyone.”

Zidane: “I can tell just by the way they look.”

Zell: “I’m tired. I’m going home.”

Franswa: “Me too.”

Zidane: “Hey! You guys can’t just dump me!”

Franswa: “Good night, Zidane.”

(zell and franswa leave. zidane frowns.)

Zidane: “Okay. There has to be someone here…”

(he looks around the room and spots lloyd standing by himself in the corner. zidane nods and then goes over to him)

Zidane: “Hey.”

Lloyd: “Hey.”

Zidane: “So you did come.”

Lloyd: “Yeah.”

Zidane: “See anyone you like?”

Lloyd: “No.”

Zidane: “See anyone you like now?”

Lloyd: *eyes widen*

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day at dante and lloyd’s, dante and alucard are having coffee in the kitchen when zidane enters all smiles. Alucard and dante look at him in confusion)

Zidane: “Gooooooooooooooooooood morning everyone! Isn’t it a gorgeous day out? Makes you feel happy you’re alive!”

Alucard: “Uh…”

Dante: “Z? How’d you get in?”

Zidane: “What do ya mean ‘how’d I get in’? Your brother let me in!” *he opens the fridge* “We had sex last night!”

(alucard drops the plate he’s holding. Luckily it’s plastic and doesn’t break when it hits the floor. Dante spits the coffee that was in his mouth practically across the room. Zidane notices none of this. He’s looking in the fridge)

Zidane: “Ooh! Food!”

Dante: “What?? What?! You had sex with Lloyd?!”

Lloyd: *from upstairs* “It’s VERGIL! I can hear you, you ass!”

Zidane: “Yeah! We hooked up at the singles mixer last night!” *comes out of the fridge with a donut* “Can I have this?”

(dante manages to nod, still looking dazed. Zidane happily takes the donut, shuts the fridge and sits at the table. Alucard picks the plate he dropped off the floor)

Alucard: “Wow.” *pause* “I am speechless.”

Dante: “Zidane…you had sex with my brother?”

Zidane: “Yes.”

Dante: “Really?”

Zidane: “Yes.”

Dante: “*Really*?”

Zidane: “Yes!”

Dante: “So…” *looks at zidane oddly* “You *like* him?”

Zidane: “No!! No way. He’s annoying as all hell. But the sex was good.”

Dante: “Really?”

Zidane: “Yes.”

Dante: “*Really*?”

Zidane: “Yes! I know you hate your brother, but why is this so shocking?”

Dante: “‘Cause the jerk’s a virgin.”

Alucard: “Well he *was* anyway.”

Zidane: *blink blink* “He was a virgin?”

Dante: “Oh hells yes! He didn’t tell you?”

Zidane: “No…”

(zidane is quiet for a moment. alucard and dante look at him expectantly, like they’re waiting for him to get mad. instead he just smiles widely and looks happy)

Zidane: “This is great news!”

Alucard: “I do *not* understand humans.”

Dante: “Great news? How is this great news?! You had sex with my dumbass brother who you don’t even like!”

Zidane: “Yeah! But don’t you see? *I’m* the more experienced one! So *I* have the upper hand now!”

Dante: “What’s the difference? Not like you plan on dating him or anything. That would just be nasty.” *takes a sip of coffee*

Zidane: “No, but I plan on using him for sex!”

(Dante starts coughing like he’s choking. alucard runs over and pats him on the back a few times before he recovers)

Alucard: “Dante, are you okay?”

Dante: *looks disgusted* “…I just threw up in my mouth a little.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later that day at the disco-center, franswa is on break again when zidane comes over to his register.)

Zidane: “Hey!”

Franswa: “Hi. How was the rest of the singles mixer last night?”

Zidane: “It was good.” *grins* “I got laid.”

Franswa: *nodding* “Good…then maybe we can talk about something else now.”

Zidane: “I doubt it! Guess who I had sex with!”

Franswa: “I don’t know.”

Zidane: “Come on! Guess!”

Franswa: “I don’t know. Just tell me!”

(just then lloyd walks by, holding the shreds of one of his shirt sleeves in his hand)

Lloyd: “That’ll show you! Nobody has buttons that don’t open easily and gets away with it! And you’re on thin ice, pants zipper!”

(he goes off. zidane turns back to franswa with a grin)

Franswa: *looks disgusted* “…Him?”

Zidane: “Yeah. I know, he’s a weirdo. But he’s still hot! And plus, I’ve got the upper hand!”

Franswa: “I don’t know what that means, and I don’t wanna know. So are you dating?”

Zidane: “Dating? No way! He’s way too annoying! But I am using him for sex.”

Franswa: “Whatever you wanna do.”

Zidane: “I’ll see you later.”

(zidane goes to walk towards the back of the store when lloyd comes over to him)

Lloyd: “Hey, Zidane.”

Zidane: *doesn’t look too thrilled* “Hey…”

Lloyd: “You wanna go out to a movie later?”

Zidane: “Uh….yeah…I would love to, but, uh, I got stuff.”

Lloyd: “Oh.” *pause* “So you wanna have sex?”

Zidane: “Yeah!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(cut to later. rufus is at home with a bowl of popcorn. mr. jingles sits in a directors chair which has been placed on a table next to rufus’ chair. rufus pops a video in the vcr and then plops in the chair next to mr. jingles)

Rufus: “Well, Mr. Jingles! It’s our favorite time of day again! Watch the surveillance video time!” *turns to mr. jingles* “I have a feeling someone’s stealing from the Disco-center, not that it matters because that merchandise is all worthless, but no one steals from Rufus J. Shinra!” *he points the remote at the tv and presses a button and he watches the tape play* “Blah, blah, blah. No one’s here…” *presses fast forward* “Wait!” *hits the stop button* “Ew! Is Nightmare picking his nose?!” *pause* “…Does Nightmare *have* a nose?” *shrugs and fast forwards again* “Must have been a slow day, Mr. Jingles. No one’s going into the stock room – oh! Here we go!” *hits stop* “Okay, there’s Lloyd…and Zidane?! What’s he doing in the back room?! That door explicitly says ’employees only’! I’ll have to talk to Algus about that!” *furrows brow* “What’s wrong with Lloyd’s pants?” *eyes widen* “Why is he taking them off?” *eyes widen more* “Hey! Did he pay for that Rufus brand condom?” *screams* “OMG! He’s having sex with Zidane!!! Ah!!!! AHHH!!!!!”

(rufus fumbles wildly for the remote, screaming all the while and trying to cover mr. jingles’ eyes. he drops the remote on the floor, but grabs it up and quickly turns the tv off. that’s when he finally stops screaming. he turns to mr. jingles, out of breath)

Rufus: “I’m sorry you had to see that, Mr. Jingles! You lost a part of your innocence today! Why are people always having sex on my tapes?!” *frowns* “And Zidane! That harlot! He won’t get away with this!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in the ramble room, sephiroth, lark, algus, zidane, tseng, reno, irvine and zell are there. lark and sephiroth are chatting, zidane is rubbing algus’ feet, and tseng, reno, irvine and zell are playing with lily)

Lark: “So, Sephiroth. How was the singles mixer yesterday?”

Sephiroth: “Boring.”

Lark: “Did you meet anyone?”

Sephiroth: “No. Some losers Dante works with tried talking to me, but I told them to go away.”

Lark: “You’re never going to meet anyone else if you’re not open to talking to people!”

Sephiroth: “I’m open to talking to people! As long as they don’t look like a jerk.”

Zell: “I was bored too.”

Reno: “Well I had fun! I got 7 phone numbers!”

Irvine: “Me too!” *frowns* “But I’m still pissed Edea wouldn’t talk to me!”

Zell: “Edea?! She was our Matron!”

Irvine: “So?”

Zell: “Ew!! She took care of us when we were kids!”

Irvine: “And she’s hot!”

Zell: “Ew!! You can’t date someone who, like, raised you!”

Irvine: “Yes you can! It’s not like you’re related!” *looks at reno and tseng* “Right?”

Tseng: *looking at sephiroth* “Well, I wouldn’t be the expert on that…”

Sephiroth: *glares at him*

Zidane: “I had fun last night!”

Algus: “I didn’t. You were quite slow to refill my drink.”

Reno: “Well I’m happy to report that the bar will be providing the booze for the next mixer too. And we’ll get in for free again.”

Irvine: “Awesome!”

(they high five just as rufus stomps in looking angry)

Rufus: “Zidane! There you are! You skank!”

Sephiroth: “Uh oh, Tseng. Looks like someone’s looking to take over your title.”

Tseng: “He’s welcome to it.”

Rufus: “Algus! You might want to know that I was watching the surveillance tapes from the disco-center just now, and I saw your slave having sex with the store manager!”

Lark: “Zidane!”

Rufus: “Thank you, Lark.”

Lark: “–You had sex with Lloyd?!”

Rufus: “Lark! It’s not a matter of who he had sex with! It’s the fact that he did it in the back of my store! On tape!”

Algus: “Slave! What were you thinking?”

Zidane: “You really want me to answer that, Algus?”

Sephiroth: “Ugh! I can’t believe you had sex with Lloyd! Every time I look at him I just wanna punch him in the face.”

Zidane: “I know he’s annoying, but he’s good for one thing.”

Reno: “And it’s pretty clear what that one thing is, I guess.”

Algus: “Zidane! Apologize to Rufus this instant!”

Zidane: “Sorry. I didn’t know you had cameras back there.”

Tseng: “Yeah, Rufus. Why do you have cameras at the discount center? Isn’t that stuff collectively worth about 5 cents?”

Rufus: “It’s the principle of the thing!”

Sephiroth: “And you actually watch the footage? Don’t you have anything else to do?”

Rufus: “Excuse me! We’re not discussing what I do with my alone time, okay? We’re talking about Zidane scarring Mr. Jingles for life!”

Zell: “Mr. Jingles was watching?”

Rufus: “Of course! We always watch the surveillance footage together!”

Irvine: “That’s pretty sad.”

Rufus: “Shut up! Everybody shut up! You’re supposed to be yelling at Zidane, not me!”

Reno: “Good going, Zidane.”

Rufus: “I said yelling!”

Algus: “Zidane, promise me you will never do that in Rufus’ store again.”

Zidane: “Fine. Is Vergil fired now?”

Rufus: “…No. I don’t think I could find anyone else to be the manager.” *pause* “Anyone human anyway.”

Zidane: “Yeah, we’ve seen what kind of help you’ve got in there.”

Reno: “Well, if you hooked up with Dante’s brother that must mean the singles mixer was a huge success!”

Irvine: “Yee haw! I can’t wait till next week!”

Tseng: “So, Zidane. Are you dating Lloyd now?”

Zidane: “No way! I’m just using him for sex!”

(sephiroth starts to cough, lark looks at him in concern and pats him on the back)

Lark: “Sephy? Are you okay?”

Sephiroth: “…I just threw up in my mouth a little.”

THE END