#160 – Lament of the One Night Stand

Zidane: *smiles* “Trust me, Sephiroth… If anything…last night you took advantage of *me*.”

Originally Published: 2/15/06 . 13 pages

Synopsis
Sephiroth freaks out after he realizes he slept with Zidane. Meanwhile, things are equally awkward in loser land.

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

This ramble wasn’t planned at all. I left that last one with a cliffhanger that I also didn’t plan, so I had to tie up the loose ends! This ramble is much better than the previous in my opinion.

(in case you forgot, when we last left off sephiroth was screaming because he just woke up naked in bed with zidane.)

Sephiroth: *sitting up* “Omg…tell me we didn’t.”

Zidane: *grins* “We did!”

Sephiroth: *hand to head* “Oh god…tell me it was horrible and I fell asleep halfway through or something.”

Zidane: “Oh no! It was all night long!”

Sephiroth: *puts both hands over his face* “No. Oh no. This can’t be happening to me!”

Zidane: “Oh, it happened all right! And it was great!”

(sephiroth turns to zidane and grabs him by the shoulders)

Sephiroth: “You can’t tell anyone about this!”

Zidane: “Too late! I already told practically everyone.”

Sephiroth: “When was this?!”

Zidane: “This morning when I woke up.”

Sephiroth: “And you came back in here and took your clothes off again?”

Zidane: “Of course! In case you wanted to do it again when you woke up!”

Sephiroth: *hands over his face again* “I don’t believe this.”

Zidane: “…So do you wanna do it again?”

Sephiroth: “No! I don’t even remember most of last night!”

Zidane: “That’s okay! I’ll be more than happy to tell you what happened!”

(and so here is zidane’s account of the previous evening in flashback form. It’s going to flash between past and present, so all the past is in italics. )

Zidane: “So, I walked into the ramble room and you were pouring yourself a bunch of shots…”

Zidane: “Hey, Sephiroth…….party for one?”

Sephiroth: “I need to get drunk.” *takes a shot*

Zidane: “Oh, really? Well! It’s never good to drink alone! Pour one for me!”

Sephiroth: “Oh. So you were just as drunk as I was. That makes me feel better.”

Zidane: “Um…no.”

Sephiroth: “…No?”

Zidane: “Let me finish.”

Sephiroth: *pours zidane a shot and slides it across the bar to him* “Here. Cheers.”

(they clink glasses and each down their shot)

Zidane: “…And that was the only alcohol I had.”

Sephiroth: “…I don’t know if I want to hear the rest of this…”

Zidane: “That, however, was your third shot of the night. And that wasn’t some weak stuff you had there. That was some hard-core Church of Reno approved whiskey.”

Sephiroth: *hand over face* “Oh god…”

Zidane: “You took five shots of that stuff. And you’re a big guy…in more ways then one–“

Sephiroth: “I don’t want to hear that from you!!”

Zidane: “And it took a few minutes to sink in. But before it did you collapsed on the couch. And you looked pretty depressed. So I said…”

Zidane: *sitting on couch* “What’s the matter? You look bummed.”

Sephiroth: “All my exes have somebody. And I’m alone.”

Zidane: “…Well, I’m here.”

Sephiroth: *massaging his forehead* “You don’t understand…”

Zidane: “I understand!” *frowns* “Nobody wants to have sex with me! Not even Zell!”

Sephiroth: *makes a face* “Why would you want to have sex with Zell?”

Zidane: “He’s cute!”

Sephiroth: “Oh please. You’re not picky enough. Now look at me. I’m very picky.”

Zidane: “Well…that’s why you’re alone!”

Sephiroth: “I must have been pretty far gone by then. Because otherwise I would have punched you.”

Zidane: “Would you let me finish? Anyway…”

Sephiroth: “I have to be picky! If I wasn’t picky, and I slept with anyone who wanted to sleep with me, I’d be a total skank! Because I’m a great looking guy! So alotta people wanna sleep with me! I don’t wanna turn into Tseng!” *pause* “Whoa. That must have been some strong stuff I drank…”

Zidane: “I think Reno had that stuff imported.”

Sephiroth: “He’s a good for nothin’ drunk. Got nothin’ better to do than order booze.”

Zidane: *chuckles* “You are totally drunk.” *moves closer*

Sephiroth: *sigh* “When was the last time you had sex?”

Zidane: “Me?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah.”

Zidane: “Way too long ago. How about you?”

Sephiroth: “‘Bout a month ago.” *eyes narrow* “When that slut Alucard said that asshole’s name.”

Zidane: “He said Dante’s name while you were having sex?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah. …That slut.”

Zidane: “How could he do that? You are totally hot. If I was having sex with you…no way would I think about anybody else!”

Zidane: “And boy was I right!”

Sephiroth: “All right, just continue the story!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah! How could he? Alucard… 600 years old… I taught him a thing or two!”

Zidane: “I bet you could teach me a thing or two.”

Sephiroth: “You better believe it. Who do you think taught Tseng?”

(there’s a pause. Then zidane gets bold and climbs onto sephiroth so he’s straddling his lap. Sephiroth just kind of stares at him in shock)

Zidane: “Me or Zell?”

Sephiroth: “Wha?”

Zidane: “If you had to have sex with me or Zell who would you pick?”

Sephiroth: “Oh god – you! Of course! I wouldn’t have sex with Zell if he was a woman, we were the last two people on the planet, and it was up to us to rebuild…the planet.”

Zidane: *grins* “Really? Well, I guess you don’t find me that unattractive.”

Sephiroth: “Of course not, Zidane. I’ve been secretly in love with you for years. You are so hot.”

Sephiroth: “I did not say that! I don’t care how drunk I was, I would *never* say that! Tell what really happened!”

Zidane: “Fine, fine!”

Sephiroth: “I never said you were unattractive.”

Zidane: *brings his face close to sephiroth’s* “C’mon Sephiroth…aren’t you sick of being so picky?”

(apparently yes because sephiroth grabs zidane and starts kissing him like crazy.)

Zidane: “And then we came back here and did it again and again and again and again. And it was awesome.” *happy sigh*

Sephiroth: *face frozen in disgust*

Zidane: “And you *liked* it!”

Sephiroth: *snaps out of it* “No I didn’t!”

Zidane: “Yes you did!”

Sephiroth: “You took advantage of me! You knew I would never sleep with you unless I was drunk!”

Zidane: *smiles* “Trust me, Sephiroth… If anything…last night you took advantage of *me*.”

Sephiroth: *shudders* “Ugh! Stop it! Get out of here! I need to shower for an hour now!”

Zidane: “Okay! But if you ever want a repeat performance–“

Sephiroth: “Don’t even dream of it!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(if you thought sephiroth and zidane were the only one night stand in this ramble, you were wrong. We now go…to loser land. And in kuja’s room we have kuja and seymour all cuddled up and blissfully asleep…for now. Kuja’s resting his head on seymour’s chest when he opens his eyes and yawns…)

Kuja: “Ow, my head. I drank far too much last night.” *pause* “…I’m in my room.” *pause* “I never sleep with Hojo in my room.” *eyes go wide* “…Then who am I lying on?!”

(he sits up with a start and screams when he sees seymour. This, of course, wakes up seymour, who sees kuja and screams. They both jump out of bed and stand there naked and screaming. Hojo and scarlet rush in, heidegger lagging behind)

Hojo: “Darling, what’s the–” *stops short when he sees them* “…Where’s my camera?”

Scarlet: *smiles* “Now this is interesting.”

Heidegger: “So they are men! Gya haa haa!” *pause* “So that’s what it looks like! Gya haa haa! I’m so fat I forgot! Gya haa haa!”

(then nida stomps in looking annoyed)

Nida: “What is this screaming abou–” *sees the naked kuja and seymour* “Ah!!! Ew!!! Gross!!! Forget it!”

(he leaves. Kuja and seymour finally stop screaming)

Kuja: “We had sex?!”

Seymour: “Yes!!”

Kuja: “What were we thinking?!”

Seymour: “What *were* we thinking?! Especially me!”

Kuja: “Excuse me?! *You*?! What about *me*?!”

Seymour: “Um, last I checked, you had sex with Hojo. That is the ultimate in gross.”

Hojo: “…I’m standing right here.”

Kuja: “What makes you so much better than Hojo?!”

Hojo: “…Right here.”

Seymour: “At the very least I don’t smell like unwashed socks!”

Kuja: “…That *is* true…”

Scarlet: “What happened to your blind dates?”

Kuja and Seymour: *point to each other* “He was my blind date!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! What comedy!”

Kuja: “Ugh! I can’t believe I had sex with you! I better take a shower right now or I’ll never be clean!”

(he stalks off into the hallway)

Seymour: *following* “Same here!”

(they both leave. Scarlet, hojo and heidegger stand in silence for a moment)

Heidegger: “I’m actually speechless! Gya haa haa!”

Hojo: *looks upset*

Scarlet: “Are you upset because Kuja slept with Seymour?”

Hojo: “No! I’m upset because I shut the cameras off last night! I could have had it on tape!”

Scarlet: “Now that makes more sense.” *pause* “I mean for *you*.”

Hojo: “Now we’ll never know the answer to the question of the ages…”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! How I can eat metal and live?”

Hojo: “No! …Which one of them was on top?”

Everyone: *looks stumped*

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, back in the ramble room, sephiroth is searching for a certain someone to complain to. He passes irvine and reno in the hallway)

Reno: “Hey, Sephiroth — heard about you and Zidane!”

Irvine: “Yeah! Nice going!”

Sephiroth: “Shut up! Both of you shut up! It was a mistake! And you two are ones to talk! You probably drunkenly slept with tons of girls you regret!”

Irvine: “Hey, man? Why so snappy?”

Reno: “Yeah! There’s nothing wrong with Zidane! If anything, he should be ashamed for sleeping with you!”

Sephiroth: “Argh!!! Get out of my way!”

(he keeps going and he finally finds the person he is looking for, tseng. He’s standing in the ramble kitchen, which is greatly underused, I might add, stirring a cup of coffee. He looks pretty unhappy)

Sephiroth: “Tseng! Finally! There you are!”

Tseng: “I already heard about you and Zidane.”

Sephiroth: “Oh my god?! Does anyone *not* know?”

Tseng: “Can you try not to make a big deal out of it?”

Sephiroth: “Try not to make a big deal out of it?! Are you insane?! I slept with *Zidane*! He is at the bottom of the sexual ladder! If it was the food chain he’d be the paramecium!”

Tseng: “There’s nothing wrong with Zidane.”

Sephiroth: “Are you insane?! He has a *tail*, Tseng! I slept with a guy who has a *tail*!”

Tseng: *snaps* “Look. I don’t give a sh*t that you got drunk last night and slept with someone not up to your standards, okay? If that’s your biggest problem right now, than consider yourself lucky!”

(sephiroth looks a little shocked as tseng stalks off.)

Sephiroth: *yells* “Well…now you know why I don’t listen to you when you complain!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………   

(meanwhile, in loser land, kuja is sitting on the couch with scarlet. No one else is around)

Kuja: “I was in the shower for an hour and I still don’t feel clean.”

Scarlet: “I’m not surprised that it happened.”

Kuja: “What?! You thought I’d willingly sleep with that walking fashion disaster?”

Scarlet: “Well…you do sleep with Hojo sober.”

Kuja: “And you’re a prostitute!”

Scarlet: “Hey! I’m not on trial here!”

(then nida comes in, his hand covering his eyes)

Nida: “Does everybody have clothes on now?”

Scarlet and Kuja: *sigh* “Yes.”

Nida: *uncovers eyes* “I hope you know that was *not* what I wanted to wake up to this morning!”

Kuja: “Oh please. You should be so lucky to see me naked.”

Nida: “Yeah right! And ew! You had sex with Seymour! Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!! That guy smells like hairspray so bad I don’t know how you didn’t just suffocate yourself to death from the smell!”

Kuja: “Actually, he recently switched to an odor free hair mousse.”

Nida and Scarlet: *look at him funny*

Kuja: “What? He finally accepted my advice! Which he needed. *Badly*.”

Scarlet: “I thought he never took your advice!”

Kuja: “This was the first time. I hope it starts a trend. Next I want to get him to change his hairstyle entirely.”

Nida: *snort* “Why don’t you just have sex with him again?”

Kuja: “Ugh! Nothing is worth that!”

Scarlet: “Well how bad was he?”

Nida: “Ew, you whore! You would ask that question! My virgin ears!” *covers ears*

Kuja: *long pause* “Well I’ve had better, but I’ve had worse.”

Scarlet: “Is Hojo the worse?”

Kuja: “Yes.”

Nida: *still covering ears* “Are you done talking about gross stuff yet?”

Scarlet: “Nida, if you can’t handle a mature conversation, just go away.”

Nida: *puts hands down* “I am mature! I’m just not a skank!”

Scarlet: “Did you watch that movie ‘The 40 Year Old Virgin’ yet?”

Nida: “No!”

Scarlet: “Well, you’re better off not watching it so when you get to that point in your life you will be surprised.”

Nida: *frowns* “Shut up, whore!”

(he stalks off. Kuja looks at scarlet.)

Kuja: “Wow. You certainly shut him up.”

Scarlet: “Somebody was bound to say it.” *smiles* “I’m just glad it was me.” 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………   

(meanwhile, sephiroth is sneaking down the hallway in the ramble complex. He’s obviously going out of his way to avoid everybody. Every time he sees someone coming he ducks into a spot to hide until they pass. Finally he gets to the kitchen, which is empty. With a sigh of relief he goes inside and heads straight for the fridge. Then vincent enters. Sephiroth slams the fridge shut in shock.)

Vincent: “Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Sephiroth: “Have you heard too?”

Vincent: “Heard about what?”

Sephiroth: “Don’t play stupid! Have you heard about what happened with me and Zidane?”

Vincent: “Oh. That. Yes. I believe everyone knows.”

Sephiroth: “That stupid monkey! When I get my hands on him– What are you smirking at?”

Vincent: “Me? I’m not smirking at anything.”

Sephiroth: “Yes you are! You must think this is funny! Well at least I slept with someone disgusting when I was drunk and didn’t know better!”

Vincent: *blink blink* “What are you alluding to?”

Sephiroth: “You and Auron! What, you think I haven’t noticed?”

Vincent: “What makes you believe we’ve slept together?”

Sephiroth: “What? You haven’t?”

Vincent: “…………………”

Sephiroth: “That’s what I thought.” *pause* “Well! I’ve lost my appetite!”

(he brushes past vincent and leaves.)

Vincent: “…Sometimes I wonder if you miss me, angel.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, back to loser land, it’s later in the day. And guess who go to use the bathroom at the same time? Yes. Kuja and seymour. They nearly bump into each other but then stop awkwardly.)

Seymour: “Oh, sorry. Go ahead.”

Kuja: “No, you go.”

Both: “…………”

Seymour: “I still feel gross.”

Kuja: “Me especially.”

Seymour: “That never would have happened if we weren’t completely drunk.”

Kuja: “Of course not! Unless you totally changed your hair, covered up those veins and got a decent wardrobe, I would never have sex with you again!”

Seymour: “Oh really? Well for me to have sex with you again you would have to stop being a complete bitch!”

Kuja: “Well! Guess we’ll see the end of the world first!”

(he goes into the bathroom and slams the door. Seymour stands there looking pissed. Then hojo peeks his head around the corner)

Hojo: “Anything I can do to help the process along?”

Seymour: *looks at hojo* “You disgust me.”

(he starts to walk away)

Hojo: “No!! Please! Just tell me which one of you was on top!”

(but seymour leaves. Hojo looks crushed. Then heidegger pops his fat head around the corner)

Heidegger: “The world may never know! Gya haa haa!”

THE END

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