Rufus: *paling* “Oh my god, I hate myself.”

Originally Published: 4/15/05 . 32 pages

Synopsis
Rufus has agreed to marry this horrible woman and now he regrets it big time! Will he be able to get out of it?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

One of the many ideas I had scribbled down in my “ramble notebook”. Due to how Rufus acted toward the likes of Tseng and Reeve in past rambles, I thought he had to finally grow up on the subject and finally accept that there’s nothing wrong with two guys kissing. My favorite ways he tries to get out of marrying Ethel is probably trying convince her he has an incurable STD and that he’s an alcoholic. But my favorite part of the ramble is the end where he’s trying to decide who he wants to kiss and ends up picking Zell after all.

 

 

(we open in the ramble room, where lark is standing, hands on hips, before seph, irvine, reno, rufus, zidane and zell)

Lark: “No! I will not sleep with you guys for ‘old times sake’! I’m engaged now! And Reno – I never even slept with you at all!”

Reno: “I know! How can you get married before experiencing the best sex ever?”

Lark: “You’re with Noelle! And besides, I’m not cheating on Brady with any of you! My skanky days are over!” *she leaves*

Guys: *groan*

Irvine: “I can’t believe this is happening!” *runs out crying*

Sephiroth: “I can’t believe she got herself engaged to that idiot! What does she see in him? She had *me* for goodness sake! Does it get any better?”

Rufus: “And he doesn’t even have any money! What gives!?” *checks watch* “I’m running late for my meeting. Zell, be sure Mr. Jingles gets his morning walk.”

Zell: *salutes* “You got it!”

(rufus leaves, and the guys give zell a weird look)

Zell: “Rufus hired me to be Mr. Jingles’ babysitter!”

All: “…………………”

Zidane: “Anyway, we’re going to stop this wedding, right?”

Sephiroth: “You better believe it. Luckily she’s not getting married for a year or two, so that gives us time to work with…” *ponders*

(vincent enters with auron)

Vincent: “Angel, are you plotting to stop Lark’s wedding again?”

Sephiroth: “No! That’s a stupid idea, Vincent! What gave you that idea? Auroran? It was Auroran, wasn’t it!”

Auron: *holds up some papers* “Well, I did find these papers titled ‘ways to stop Lark’s wedding’.”

Sephiroth: *snatches them away* “Stop going through my stuff!”

 

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(sometime later a bunch of guys are in the ramble room, just quietly reading and such. rufus then enters slowly, like he has seen a ghost)

Rufus: “……………………………………………………………………………I…… just….made….a big mistake.”

Reeve: *not looking up from the paper he’s reading* “Does Shinra still exist?”

Rufus: “….yes…”

Reeve: *finally looks at him* “Wow, you’re really traumatized.”

(everyone watches as rufus comes into the room, still in his trance, and sits on the couch next to algus)

Algus: “May I dare to guess that your meeting with Mr. Finkle did not quite go as planned?”

Rufus: “……….no…..it went fine…..”

Reeve: “Mr. Finkle? Doesn’t he own the water distribution company in Midgar?”

Rufus: “……………………………yup….”

Algus: “Rufus met with him today to see if perhaps he would consider selling.”

Tseng: *mutters* “The monopoly never ends.”

Algus: “Well now, Rufus, if the meeting went well, what happened?”

Rufus: “….well….he agreed to sell–“

Algus: “Capital!”

Rufus: “–If I marry his daughter.”

Everyone: “………………………”

Tseng: “Rufus, you said no, right?”

Rufus: “…………………….”

Tseng: “Rufus, *please* tell me you said no.”

Rufus: “………………………….”

Zidane: “Holy crap – he said yes!”

Sephiroth: “Why is everybody getting married around here all of the sudden?”

Vincent: *hopefully* “Maybe that’s something you’d like to do too.”

Sephiroth: *crosses arms* “I’m no sheep.”

Vincent: *frowns*

Rufus: *bursts into tears* “What was I thinking?! I agreed to marry someone I haven’t even met!”

Algus: *looks uncomfortable* “Uh… Slave! Comfort Rufus!”

Zidane: “No way! He’s your friend!”

Rufus: *sobs*

Algus: “Slave! Do as you’re told!”

Zidane: *grumbles* “Fine.” *he comes over and pats rufus on the shoulder* “Now, now, Rufus. Maybe you’ll like her.”

Algus: “Yes! Yes, Rufus! Perhaps you will like her! After all, her father is a wealthy company owner just as you are! You’ll be marrying within your station!” *mutters* “Unlike Lark.”

Rufus: *sniffs* “…Really? You think so?” *looks at reeve* “Reeve?”

Reeve: *uncertainly* “Uh…yeah…sure…why not? Anything’s possible.”

Algus: “So when are you meeting your new bride?”

Rufus: *wiping away the last tears* “Tomorrow. I don’t want to go alone. Who wants to come with me?”

(everyone avoids looking at him because they don’t want to be picked)

Rufus: “Tseng! Thanks for volunteering.”

Tseng: “Crap.”

Rufus: “Algus is right. This is a rich girl we’re talking about. How bad can she be?”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(very, very, bad. the next day rufus goes with tseng outside to the porch swing. there waiting for him is the ugliest girl rufus has ever seen. rufus stops dead in his tracks upon seeing her)

Rufus: “Oh crap, screw this.”

(he tries to turn around and go back, but tseng blocks him)

Tseng: “I don’t think so, Rufus. Your greed got you into this. You have to at least meet her. Besides, looks aren’t everything.”

Rufus: “I guess that’s why you’re with Reeve.”

(tseng pushes him towards the girl. rufus very timidly approaches her. she’s talking on her phone)

Girl: “WHAT?!?!?! I SAID ROYAL PURPLE, YOU IDIOTS! NOT LIGHT PURPLE! NOW BURN EVERYTHING AND DO IT OVER!” *angrily hangs up*

Rufus: *timidly offering his hand* “Hello… I’m Rufus J. Shinra. Pleased…to meet you.”

Girl: *looks him over* “YOU’RE OKAY, I GUESS. I’M ETHEL. DADDY SAID YOU’RE VERY RICH.”

Rufus: *is trying not to wince at her screaming* “Yes, I own Shinra Inc.”

Ethel: “THAT COMPANY IS OKAY, I GUESS.” *looks at tseng* “WHO THE HELL IS THAT?”

Rufus: “This is Tseng, my bodyguard.”

Ethel: “OH, DOES HE LIKE KILLING POOR DEFENSE ANIMALS TOO?”

Rufus: “Huh?”

Ethel: “DIDN’T DADDY TELL YOU? WE’RE GOING HUNTING ON OUR DATE!”

Rufus: “…Oh. No, he didn’t.”

Ethel: “LET’S GO! YOUR SERVANT CAN SIT IN THE TRUNK.” *starts dragging rufus*

Tseng: *sweat drops*

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(hours later, rufus and tseng return to the ramble room where a group is gathered, doing various activities. they both look traumatized)

Tseng: “You *cannot* marry her.”

Rufus: “I know!”

Tseng: “She’s evil! Pure evil!”

Rufus: “I know!”

Tseng: “And she screams *all* the time!”

Rufus: “I know!”

Algus: *put down the wall street journal* “Ah, Rufus. So how is the future Mrs. Shinra?”

Rufus: “Revolting! And I’m not being shallow! She really is the most awful person I’ve ever met! Right, Tseng?”

Tseng: *shudder* “Oh yeah.”

Reeve: “What’s so awful about her?”

Rufus: “Well she *screams* everything she says for one thing! And she took us hunting! And she just shot everything and left it there!”

Tseng: “And don’t forget the laughing.”

Rufus: “Yeah! And she kept laughing about it! She made Sephiroth look like a saint.”

Sephiroth: “…I guess I’m okay with that comparison. …As long as she didn’t try and get the black materia.”

Zidane: “Yikes. That sucks. So when’s the wedding?”

Rufus: “I’m not marrying that beast! I’m going to do everything in my power to get out of it.”

Algus: “That will most likely mean having to forfeit Mr. Finkle’s company.”

Rufus: “That is *fine* with me! He can have his company and his demon spawn offspring!”

Tseng: “Oh yeah, and she made me ride in the trunk.”

Zidane: “In the trunk?! Geez, even Algus doesn’t do that! And he has no heart at all!”

Reeve: “So how are you going to try and break it off?”

Rufus: *deep breath* “I’m going be a gentlemen about it. I’ll simply call her father, and tell her the deal is off because his daughter escaped from the zoo!” *marches out*

Algus: “…I hope he’s really not planning on that bit about the zoo.”

Tseng: “Me too. Especially since she’s way worse than anything at the zoo.”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(shortly afterwards rufus returns to the ramble room looking downcast)

Algus: “How did it go?”

Rufus: *plops on the couch* “No good. He said that the contract clearly states that it can be broken off only if *she* thinks we’re incompatible.”

Reeve: “You signed a contract?!”

Rufus: “…Yes.”

Reeve: “Didn’t you have one of your 100 lawyers read it first?”

Rufus: “They’re all in the Bahamas for a conference!”

Sephiroth: “You’re screwed.”

Rufus: “I’ve gotta get rid of her! I gotta convince her we’re terrible together. How do you repel women?”

(everyone looks away, and then one by one they all look at sephiroth)

Sephiroth: “Oh, no. Don’t even go there.”

Zidane: “Why don’t you ask one of the ramble girls? I’m sure they’ll have some ideas.”

Rufus: “Yeah! After all, look at the kind of jerks they date!” *runs out*

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile, shell, Ashley, Noelle, Katie, tifa and rinoa are all sitting around talking and drinking various beverages)

Rinoa: “I can’t believe Lark is getting married.”

Noelle: “Yeah! Isn’t it exciting?!” *mumbles something about taffeta*

Shell: “Yeah. And Rude bought me a great present.”

Tifa: “…Why did Rude buy you a present if *Lark* got engaged?”

Shell: “…Cause I told him to.”

(then rufus comes in, smiling his best ‘buy shinra’ smile)

Rufus: “Hello, ladies! How are you on this fine afternoon?”

Katie: “What are you selling now, Rufus?”

Rufus: “Nothing! What? I can’t come and talk to you girls?”

Girls: *give him a knowing look*

Rufus: “…All right, I do want something. But for once it’s not money!”

Ashley: “Uh oh. Is something on fire?”

Rufus: “No! I just…have a question I need you to answer.”

Noelle: “What is it?”

Rufus: “What kind of revolting behavior would turn you off from marrying someone?”

Ashley: “Why are you asking us that?”

Katie: “Yeah! Are you trying to break up Lark and Brady?”

Rufus: “No! I swear on my fortune!”

Tifa: “Wow, you’re really serious.”

Rufus: “So? What can a guy do to make you run in the opposite direction?”

(all the girls think a minute)

Shell: “Be totally broke.”

Tifa: “Rude is totally broke.”

Shell: “He gets by.”

Noelle: “Oh! I know! Be an alcoholic!”

Rinoa: “Reno *is* an alcoholic.”

Noelle: “Stay outta this, crack whore!”

Ashley: “If he had some kind of nasty STD or something, I wouldn’t wanna marry him.”

Tifa: “Or if he kept suggesting I needed plastic surgery.”

Katie: “Why would anyone say that to you? Your boobs are huge enough already!”

Tifa: “I’m just saying!”

Rinoa: “I wouldn’t want to marry anyone who was abusive to women.”

Rufus: *frantically writing it all down* “Great! This is great stuff! Thanks, girls! Free Rufus brand footwear for all of you!” *runs out*

Ashley: “I don’t want his ugly shoes.”

Shell: *shrugs* “I’ll give them to Rude.”

Noelle: “But they’ll be *women’s* shoes.”

Shell: *shrugs* “He’ll get by.”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(so rufus runs back to the ramble room, where no one has really moved)

Rufus: “Zidane, you’re a genius! I have a whole list of ways to get rid of her!”

Sephiroth: “Rufus, why bother? Just tell her you’re gay.”

Rufus: *stops* “What?”

Sephiroth: “Tell her you’re gay! Then she won’t wanna marry you. Tell her that Tseng’s not really your bodyguard, he’s your lover or something.”

Rufus: “Ew, Tseng?!”

Tseng: “Hey!” *hands on hips* “You could do a lot worse!”

Rufus: “No! No way! I’m not telling her I’m gay! I’m going with what the girls told me. One of these things has to work!”

Sephiroth: *shrugs* “This is why I don’t bother to be helpful. Everyone here is just too stupid.”

Rufus: *checks time* “Ugh, I’m meeting Ethel now. Come on, Tseng.”

Tseng: “What?! Why do I have to come with you again!”

Rufus: “I can’t subject myself to her alone! She might try and eat me!”

Tseng: *frowns* “Fine. But you owe me.”

Rufus: “Don’t worry about it – I’ll put plan A into effect and we’ll be outta there in 10 minutes.”

Algus: “And what, may I ask, is plan A?”

Rufus: “Pretending to be broke!”

 

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(so rufus goes outside with tseng to the porch swing, where ethel is again waiting for him)

Ethel: “HI, RUFY! READY FOR OUR DINNER DATE? WE’RE GOING TO AN ALL YOU CAN EAT LOBSTER PLACE! THEY KILL THEM RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!”

Rufus: *grimaces* “Yeah… Uh, about that…who’s paying for this?”

Ethel: “WHAT?! WELL, YOU ARE!”

Rufus: *so fake its disgusting* “Oh… Oh no… This is so embarrassing… I can’t afford that right now.”

Ethel: “WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT?!”

Rufus: “Buying your father’s company has put me into debt! I actually have several banks I owe millions to! They might even take my dilapidated shack in the woods! You know, that I…uh…live in.”

(ethel stares at him for a long moment. then she bursts out into the most obnoxious laughter anyone has ever heard. rufus and tseng cringe)

Ethel: “NICE TRY! YOU DON’T THINK DADDY DID A CHECK ON YOU BEFORE HE SIGNED THE CONTRACT?! I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR MONEY! AND YOU’RE THE FARTHEST THING FROM POOR!”

Rufus: *mutters* “I wish I did a check before I signed that stupid contract.”

Ethel: “NOW LET’S GO!”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(later…rufus and tseng return to the ramble room, looking half dead)

Tseng: “I don’t care what you say. I’m not getting into that trunk again!”

Reeve: “Hey you two. How’d it go?”

Rufus: “Awful! It didn’t work! Apparently her father did some kind of background check on me! She knows all about all my assets! Even my secret account in the Canary Islands!”

Zell: “Cool! There are islands full of canaries?!”

Reeve: “No offense, Rufus, but I didn’t think that trying to convince her you were poor would actually work.”

Zidane: “Especially since you’re decked out in Prada.”

Algus: “And you’re wearing that lovely diamond Rolex.”

Zell: “Yeah! And your favorite Gucci loafers!”

Rufus: “Damn my nice wardrobe!”

Sephiroth: “It’s not too late to try my idea…”

Rufus: “No! I still have plenty of ideas! Tomorrow I’ll just try my next one. Plan B!”

Algus: “And what is Plan B?”

Rufus: “Constantly telling her she needs plastic surgery!”

Tseng: “She really does.”

Rufus: “Don’t remind me.” *shudders*

 

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(the next day, rufus literally is dragging tseng out of the ramble room)

Rufus: “Come on, Tseng! I don’t like this anymore than you do!”

Tseng: “At least you don’t have to ride in the trunk!”

Rufus: “Come on! You owe me!”

Tseng: “How the hell do I owe you?”

Rufus: “I just paid you a million gil!”

Tseng: “Yeah, for that fight that made you 10 million gil!”

Rufus: “…So! You still owe me!”

Ethel: “WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?”

(rufus stops pulling on tseng)

Rufus: “Oh, nothing. Just…uh…um…”

Ethel: “HE BEING DISOBEDIENT? YOU KNOW WHAT I DO WHEN ONE OF MINE GETS DISOBEDIENT? I TAKE A PLASTIC BAG, AND-“

Rufus: “It’s fine! Everything’s fine now! Get in the trunk, Tseng.”

Tseng: *mumbles awful things about rufus*

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(and so they go to the movies this time and she wants to go see ‘blood bath 3’, which rufus isn’t too thrilled about. Ethel makes him buy her the biggest tub of popcorn ever, and they go sit down. Ethel sits on rufus’ left, and tseng is on his right)

Ethel: “THIS MOVIE HAS BEEN BANNED IN 100 COUNTRIES FOR BEING SO BLOODY, YOU KNOW! AND ‘BLOODY MOVIE MAGAZINE’ CALLED IT THE BLOODIEST MOVIE EVER!”

Rufus: *already looks sick* “Wow. That’s something…”

Tseng: *nudges him and whispers* “Get on with it!”

Rufus: *clears throat* “So, uh, Ethel… I’ve been thinking about our…wedding…and I really think you could use some plastic surgery. You know, a nose job, maybe a boob job, and some lypo and a face lift. I like a girl that looks fake.”

Ethel: “I’VE ALREADY HAD 10 PLASTIC SURGERIES!”

(rufus and tseng stare at her in open mouthed, brain numbing shock)

Ethel: “BUT IF YOU THINK I NEED MORE I’LL JUST GET THE MONEY FROM DADDY!”

Rufus: *mutters under his breath* “No… No, it can’t be…”

(tseng just puts his palm to his head in despair.)

 

……………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(and again the duo returns to the ramble room looking traumatized)

Tseng: “That was the goriest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’ve killed people!”

Rufus: “I had to close my eyes and run through every piece of Mr. Jingles’ wardrobe in my head just so I didn’t throw up.”

(the usual group in the ramble room-reeve, algus, zidane, sephiroth, Vincent and auron, look up at them)

Algus: “Back again, Rufus? How did the new plan go?”

Rufus: “Awful! The whole thing backfired! Apparently she’s already had 10 plastic surgeries! And she still looks like she’s been hit with the ugly stick 9 billion times!”

Sephiroth: “Hey, Auroran, I think this girl Rufus is gonna marry sounds like your long lost twin!”

Auron: “I did nothing to deserve that comment.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, you did. You were born.”

Vincent: “Angel, what did the therapist say?”

Sephiroth: *mimicking the therapist* “Please don’t hit me again!” *laughs*

Rufus: “Would you and your choo choo train shut up? We’re trying to solve my problem here!”

Sephiroth: “I told you how to solve your damn problem already, Shinra!”

Rufus: “No! I don’t need to get that desperate! I’ll just move onto plan C!”

Reeve: *sigh* “And what is plan C now?”

Rufus: “Alcoholism here I come!” *thinks* “I’m gonna need some real life experience on this one. Where are Reno and Irvine?”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(so rufus goes and finds reno and irvine, who are watching spike tv in the tv room)

Rufus: *entering* “Reno!”

Reno: “Crap!” *jumps to his feet* “Rufus! We have off today, right? On account of it’s…uh…the…uh…feast of…Saint…boozealot?”

Rufus: “I don’t care why you’re not at work, Reno. I need your help.”

Reno: “Hey, you got Zell to bathe Mr. Jingles now!”

Rufus: “It’s not about Mr. Jingles. I need you two to get me drunk.”

Irvine and Reno: *blink blink*

Irvine: “You what to us to what?”

Rufus: “You heard me! I need to get drunk! It’s a long story that I don’t feel like explaining right now!” *taps watch* “Time is of the essence!”

Reno: *holds hands up in front of him* “All right, all right. But before we get started, I need to know just how drunk you need to get. Drunk of your ass, fallin’ on your face drunk, or totally piss ass drunk.”

Rufus: “Totally piss ass drunk.”

Reno: “All right!” *high fives irvine* “Let’s get started!”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(so, about an hour or two later, rufus is sitting with reno and irvine at a bar, and they’re all ‘piss ass drunk’)

Reno: *slurs* “Sooooooooo….then I said to her, I said, drunk? Me? Hahahahahahaha! Are lesbians hot?”

(they all laugh like that was the funniest thing ever)

Rufus: *checks watch and slurs* “Oh look! My watch is upside down!”

(he takes it off and ‘fixes it’. now it’s on upside down)

Rufus: *slurs* “Crap, I’m gonna be late! I better call Tseng and tell ‘im to pick me up!”

(he takes out his phone and stares at it a long time, trying to pick the right number. he finally gets it and dials tseng)

Rufus: *slurs* “Hello? …Tseng? ….It’s me! Rufus! Yoooooour boss! Yeah! Listen – you gotta pick me up so I can get outta marryin’ that butt ugly monkey woman! …Don’t you say that ta me! You get your ass down here right now or I’ll make you drive in the trunk! ….Anything’s possible! I’m rich! ….Good! See ya then!”

Reno: *slurs* “Heh heh. Lesbians.”

Irvine: *slurs* “Let’s go to a strip club!”

Rufus: *slurs* “Nah… Gotta go…be drunk. See you guys…later!” *falls off stool*

………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(so back to the porch swing. Tseng is helping rufus walk, because he can’t walk on his own)

Ethel: “RUFY! THERE YOU ARE! YOU’RE LATE!”

Rufus: *slurs* “Sooooooooooooorry. I had a…um…whatcha call it…meeting…thingy.”

Ethel: “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?”

Tseng: *softly* “I’m afraid he’s got a bit of a problem with alcohol.”

Ethel: “WHAT?!?!?!?!”

Rufus: “I love me some alcohol! Go booze!” *almost falls over*

Tseng: *catches him* “Unfortunately it’s rare to find him sober these days.”

Ethel: “RUFY?! YOU’RE A DRUNK?!”

Rufus: “I’m drunk!”

Ethel: “GREAT! LET’S GO!” *tries to drag him off*

Rufus: “We gonna get more booze?”

Tseng: “Uh… Wait a minute!” *runs after them*

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(the next day in the ramble room, tseng is sitting with rufus, who is holding an icepack to his head, nursing a hangover.)

Rufus: “You saved my life, Tseng! You saved my life!”

Tseng: “I’ve never seen someone unzip someone’s pants so fast. And I’ve been *around*.”

Rufus: “You saved my life! Who knows what would have happened to me!”

Tseng: “You were so drunk I don’t know how anyone in their right mind would want to have sex with you.”

Rufus: “She’s not in her right mind! She’s insane! Any other girl wouldn’t even look at me again! She couldn’t wait to get my clothes off! That was a Prada shirt she ripped open! Prada!”

(algus comes in with zidane, followed by reeve, seph, vin and auron)

Algus: “Ah, Rufus! Are you finally rid of the beast?”

Rufus: “No! And I almost became the beast’s prey last night! Tseng saved my life!”

Reeve: “Wow, honey, that’s very noble of you.”

Tseng: “I just couldn’t let that happen. Not even to Rufus.”

Zidane: “So she was actually *turned on* by the fact that you’re an alcoholic?”

Rufus: “Yes! I don’t get this woman! She’s not human!”

Sephiroth: “Want me to kill her for you?”

Rufus: *ponders*

Reeve: “Rufus!”

Rufus: “What!?” *sigh* “No, her father would figure out it was me.”

Sephiroth: “You gonna use my idea now?”

Rufus: “NO!” *winces in pain* “Ow.”

Sephiroth: “Just use the damn idea, Shinra!”

Rufus: “NO!” *winces in pain* “Ow.”

Sephiroth: “Vincent, tell him he should use my idea.”

Vincent: “Perhaps you should consider it, Rufus. It is foolproof.”

Auron: “Even I agree with Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “See! Even the beast’s twin agrees with me!”

Auron: *mutters* “I don’t agree with that.”

Zidane: “Yeah, Rufus! Use Sephiroth’s idea! Then you’re sure she’ll back off!”

Reeve: “Yeah, Rufus. I mean you can’t argue with that excuse.”

Tseng: “Please do it, Rufus. This whole experience is slowly killing me.”

Rufus: “NO! NO! NO! NO! I will not pretend I’m gay, and that’s the end of that!” *gets up* “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to suffer in peace!”

(as he goes to leave, reno and irvine walk in)

Irvine: “Hey, buddy! How’d it go last night?”

Rufus: “Horrible. Let’s just say I barely got out of there with everything intact, if you know what I mean.”

Reno: “All right! Good for you!”

Rufus: “No… No, that’s bad.”

Reno: “Huh? I’m totally lost.”

Irvine: “You wanna drink with us again tonight?”

Rufus: “No!! No!! Everybody leave me alone!” *runs out*

Irvine: “What’s his problem?”

Reno: “Beats me! I don’t even know what’s going on!”

 

………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(later that day… tseng, reeve and elena are about to leave the ramble complex when rufus comes running over)

Rufus: “Tseng! Where are you going? I have to meet with Ethel later! Are you trying to skip town? ‘Cause I can buy and sell your ass!”

Tseng: *sigh* “Elena has a doctor’s appointment.”

Rufus: *to elena* “What, you sick?”

Elena: “No! I’m pregnant, remember? I have a check up!”

Rufus: “Oh right. Well can I tag along?” *mumbles thoughtfully* “Maybe I can get Dr. Zack to help me with the next phase of my plan…”

Tseng: “You’re gonna come even I say no.”

Rufus: “Of course I am! I’m your boss! Now get in my car!”

Tseng: *mumbles* “At least I don’t have to get in the trunk this time.”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(so they go to dr. zack, who is an all purpose doctor it seems. They’re all waiting in the room for the doctor…)

Elena: “I’m so excited to find out what sex the baby is!”

Rufus: *checking watch* “Yeah, yeah, when’s the doctor getting here? Damn doctors! If I were late for an appointment I would never make business deals!”

Tseng: “Rufus… This is supposed to be a happy occasion for us. Can you not ruin it with your whining?”

Rufus: “What whining? It’s standard business practice!”

Reeve: “Well this isn’t business. This is medicine.”

(before rufus can open his mouth again, dr. zack comes in, smiling as usual)

Dr. Zack: “Ah, Elena! How are you feeling today?”

Elena: “I’ve been good! Only a little morning sickness.”

Dr. Zack: “That’s good. Are you ready for your ultrasound?”

Elena: “You bet! We’re very excited to find out what sex the baby is!”

Dr. Zack: “Okay, well, let’s get started!”

(so dr. zack starts preparing for the ultrasound. They put this gel stuff on elena’s stomach and then put this device on the gel so a picture of the baby comes up. And if you’ve ever seen an ultrasound pic, you know that it’s hard to tell what’s what on the baby. Everybody leans in to look)

Tseng: “Which ones are the arms?”

Reeve: “One’s right… Oh, wait. Never mind.”

Rufus: “It looks like some kind of creepy alien.”

Elena: “It does not!”

Dr. Zack: “Okay, let’s see if we can find out what sex your baby is!”

(so he continues with the ultrasound. As he’s doing so, rufus slowly keeps sliding his chair towards dr. zack until he’s right next to him.)

Rufus: *whispers* “Hey, Dr. Zack, I gotta problem.”

Dr. Zack: “What seems to be the problem, Mr. Shinra?”

Rufus: “Well… Uh… How would you feel about writing me a doctor’s note?”

Dr. Zack: “For what?”

Rufus: *whispers* “Explaining the horrible, incurable STD that I have.”

Dr. Zack: “You have an STD?”

Rufus: “No!”

Dr. Zack: “Oh. Because one of my other patients does, and-“

Rufus: *whispers harshly* “I don’t *actually* have an incurable STD! I just have to *pretend* I have one! That’s why I need you to write a note for me! And the more descriptive the better. I really got to get this girl away from me.”

Dr. Zack: “I don’t know about that…”

Rufus: “Come on! It would be like writing a story! A gory, graphic medical story! It would allow you to be creative!”

Dr. Zack: “This is just to get a girl away from you?”

Rufus: “Yup.”

Dr. Zack: “Why don’t you just tell her you’re gay?”

Rufus: “No! Why does everyone keep suggesting that?! Now are you gonna write me the note, or am I gonna take my medical needs elsewhere?”

Dr. Zack: “All right, I’ll do it. But promise me you’ll shred it after you’re done with it.”

Rufus: “Sure thing. No one knows how to get rid of incriminating evidence better than I do.”

Dr. Zack: “Ah ha! There we go! I can tell what sex the baby is. You’re having a….girl!”

Elena: “Oh, a little girl! How exciting!”

Tseng: *sniff* “Aw…”

Reeve: “A girl.”

Rufus: *looking at watch* “Yeah, that’s nice. Can we hurry this up? I’ll be late for dumping my date!”

(so they go out to the front of the office, and dr. zack starts to write up rufus’ note)

Reeve: “So have any names in mind for the baby, Elena?”

Elena: “Well… Actually I wanted Tseng to name the baby.”

Tseng: “Me?!”

Elena: “Yeah! I trust you!”

Tseng: “Uh… Okay. Thanks, Elena.”

Rufus: “You know what you should name the baby? Rufina!”

Reeve, Tseng and Elena: “Ewwwww!”

Reeve: “Rufus, that’s a hideous name.”

Tseng: “And you’re pretty delusional if you think I’m going to name my daughter after you.”

Rufus: “Why not? Shinra is a beautiful girl’s name all by itself!”

Elena, Reeve and Tseng: “No!”

Dr. Zack: *hands rufus the paper* “Here you are, Mr. Shinra. Remember our agreement.”

Rufus: “Don’t worry. I have four paper shredders in my office and a closet piled high with back ups!” *mutters* “They keep breaking for some reason.”

Dr. Zack: “Well take care. I’ll see you at your next check up, Elena.”

(he leaves. the gang gets ready to go out the door, but before they can, scarlet enters. she bumps into rufus, causing him to drop his note)

Scarlet: “President Rufus! Sorry – I’m in a rush.” *goes to pick up note*

Rufus: “No, I’ll get it!”

(but it’s too late. scarlet picks up the note and of course she reads it)

Scarlet: *looks at rufus in shock* “You have this too? I thought I was the only one!”

Rufus: *shudders*

 

 

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(so later that day, rufus is again dragging tseng along to meet ethel)

Rufus: “This will work! It has to!”

Tseng: “What if it doesn’t?”

Rufus: “It will. SCARLET has it for goodness sakes.”

Tseng: *shudders* “True.”

Ethel: “RUFY! THERE YOU ARE! I WANNA PICK UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF THE OTHER NIGHT!”

Rufus: *grimaces* “Heh… I wish we could. Unfortunately I have an incurable STD and this doctor’s note, which came from an actual physician and is written on letterhead, will prove it.” *hands her the paper*

Ethel: *reads it* “YOU HAVE THIS??”

Rufus: “Yup. I must have gotten it from one of those hookers I’m always sleeping with.”

Ethel: “THAT’S OKAY! WE CAN STILL DO IT!”

Rufus: “What?!!?”

Ethel: “THAT’S WHAT THEY MAKE THESE FOR!” *pulls out a rufus brand condom*

Rufus: *paling* “Oh my god, I hate myself.”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(the next day in the ramble room, elena, reeve and tseng are going through a book of baby names, seph, vin and auron are playing 13 Dead End Drive while zell watches, and irvine and reno are going through the newspaper)

Sephiroth: “Haha! Die, tennis pro, die!” *flings tennis pro into the fireplace*

Vincent: “Angel, please try and be more gentle with the pieces. You’ve broken them enough times already.”

Zell: *examining one* “Yeah! These are all glued back together!”

Auron: “And perhaps you might stop that victory dance every time you kill one of my characters.”

Sephiroth: *mid victory dance* “Shut up, Auroran! I’ll dance right in your face all night if I want to!”

Irvine: “Dude, there are no coupons for the strip club in here.”

Reno: “Dammit! What is this world coming to?”

(rufus enters talking to algus. zidane drags behind)

Rufus: “I never thought one of my own products would come back to haunt me like that! Thankfully there was a problem with one of her decorators or something and she had to go. I don’t know what I would have done otherwise!”

Algus: “I see. And what of the condoms?”

Rufus: “I don’t know if I can ever look at them again.”

Zidane: *mumbles* “No one could look at them in the first place.”

Sephiroth: “Shinra, are you *still* trying to get rid of her?”

Reno: “Dude, just say you’re gay.”

Rufus: “No! I have one more plan left, and this one can’t fail!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah. Sure it can’t.” *rolls eyes*

Reeve: “What’s your plan now, Rufus?”

Rufus: “It involves a little bit of acting by myself, Tseng and Elena.”

Elena: “Me? Why do you need me?”

Rufus: “Because no woman would want to marry a man she knew was abusive! Now here’s the plan…”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(later…tseng is standing outside the ramble room like he’s standing guard. ethel waddles up)

Ethel: “WHERE’S MY RUFY?”

Tseng: *loudly so he can be heard through the door* “He’ll be out in a minute! He’s just finishing up some business!”

(suddenly from inside there’s a lot of banging and the sounds of slaps and punches. rufus can be heard yelling at elena, who is pretending to cry and beg for mercy)

Ethel: “WHAT’S GOING ON??”

Tseng: *sigh* “He’s just beating up Elena again.”

Ethel: “FOR WHAT?!”

Tseng: “Being a woman. It’s how he treats all his female employees.”

(more banging and yelling from inside)

Tseng: “It’s so sad…especially since she’s pregnant.”

(ethel looks shocked. finally the door opens and rufus emerges, brushing off his hands)

Rufus: “Damn those stupid women! They’re only good for beating up!” *pretends to be shocked* “Oh, hi, Ethel. Oh no! How much of that did you hear?”

Ethel: “ALL OF IT!”

Rufus: “Oh no!”

Ethel: “RUFY I’M SO PROUD OF YOU! YOU SHOW THOSE EMPLOYEES WHO’S BOSS!”

Tseng and Rufus: *blink blink*

Tseng: *under his breath* “………No. No way……”

Ethel: “NOW COME ON! LET’S GO HAVE SOME FUN!” *grabs rufus*

Rufus: *paralyzed with fear*

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(later in the ramble room, tseng, reeve, irvine, reno, zell, edgar, setzer, algus, zidane, vincent and auron have gathered around a dejected looking rufus)

Rufus: *lifelessly* “I’m dead. I’m a goner. She thought it was great that I beat up a pregnant woman for gods sake.I’m gonna have to marry that troll, and then I’ll probably never be seen again.”

Reno: “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

Rufus: *bursts out crying*

Zidane: “There’s still hope, Rufus! You still haven’t tried Sephiroth’s idea!”

Rufus: “I can’t do that to myself!”

Reno: “Come on, Rufus, stop being a big homophobe! It’s not like we’re asking you to pretend to be a child molester or somethin’!”

Rufus: “No! No! Everybody stop it! There’s no way I’m using that one, no way, no ho-“

(suddenly sephiroth runs in and slams the door behind him. then he leans against the door out of breath)

Vincent: “What’s the matter, angel? Did Cloud leave the Teletubbies on television again?”

Sephiroth: “No! Worse! Rufus, your beast of a fiancé is coming this way and she said she just bought a whole truck load of your condoms and can’t wait to use them!”

Rufus: *screams*

Ethel’s voice: “RUFY?? WHERE ARE YOU??”

(seph runs away from the door and everybody else braces themselves as ethel barges in. there is a collective expression of disgust when they all see her)

Reno: *quietly to irvine* “Man, I wouldn’t bang her with somebody else’s di–“

Rufus: “Oh! Ethel. You came…looking for me.”

Ethel: “I CAN’T WAIT TO DIG INTO THE TRUCK OF CONDOMS I JUST BOUGHT!”

Rufus: “Uh… Don’t you believe in waiting until we’re married?”

(ethel just laughs in her loud and obnoxious way. everybody winces)

Ethel: “LET’S GO, RUFY! I’VE GOT MY SPECIAL LIMO WAITING OUTSIDE! THERE’S A BED RIGHT IN THE BACK! THERE’S NO ESCAPE NOW!”

Rufus: *gulp* “Uh… Ethel…um…I’m afraid I can’t come with you.”

Ethel: “WHY THE HELL NOT?”

Rufus: “Because…I’m…uh….I’m…uh…” *sweat drops* “I… I’m…gay.”

Ethel: “YOU’RE WHAT?!?!?!?!”

Rufus: “Yup. I’m gay! I’m a big gay! Totally 100% into men.”

Ethel: “YOU ARE NOT!”

Rufus: “I am! And…uh…” *gulp* “I even have a boyfriend.”

Ethel: “WHAT?!?!? WHERE?”

Rufus: “…Right here. In this room.”

Ethel: “WHO?!”

(panicking, rufus swings around and looks at everyone in the room. they’re all staring at him, of course. Quickly he goes over the group in his head – remember that no quotes = thoughts)

Rufus: *looks at tseng* I could do better. *reeve* Too nerdy. *irvine* Too kinky. *reno* I could do waaaaaaaaaaaaaay better. *edgar* Obviously straight. *setzer* Also way too straight. *algus* I can’t do this to my friend. *zidane* Ew, I would never date a slave! *vincent* That claw probably hurts. *auron* Too weird. *sephiroth* He’s too rough for me. *zell* Oh man… *finally says* “It’s him!” *grabs zell* “This is my boyfriend, Zell.”

Zell: “Yup! I’m his boyfriend!” *holds rufus’ hand*

Ethel: “IF THAT’S YOUR BOYFRIEND WHY DON’T YOU KISS HIM?”

Rufus: “Uh…sure thing.” *sweat drop*

Ethel: “*FRENCH* KISS HIM!”

Rufus: *gulp* “Sure…no…problem.”

(rufus turns and looks at zell, smiling shakily)

Zell: “Let’s do it!”

(he grabs rufus by the shoulders and kisses him deeply. rufus keeps his eyes squeezed shut, probably trying to pretend zell’s someone else. they finally break apart, ethel looks disgusted)

Rufus: “See? I told you.”

Ethel: “EWWWW! YOU DISGUSTING QUEER!!!!”

Everyone: “…………………………………………”

Rufus: “…Hey! You might try and be nicer to people! You’re a hideous monster, but I never said anything about it! So how do you like being called names, you witch?!”

Ethel: “THAT’S *IT*! THE WEDDING’S OFF!” *runs out crying*

Everyone: “…………….” *looks at rufus in shock*

Tseng: “….Wow, Rufus. I can’t believe you did that.”

Zell: “Yeah! Go Rufus!”

Rufus: “Well… What she said wasn’t right. I mean, there are worse things than being gay.” *zell goes to speak* “That doesn’t mean I am!”

Algus: “Well then, Rufus. Looks like you’re free once more.”

Rufus: “Thank goodness.”

Zidane: “You think the ramble girls suggestions would have worked on a normal girl?”

Rufus: “I guess we’ll never know.”

Sephiroth: *thoughtfully* “Hmmmmm….”

 

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(later, sephiroth has cornered Brady and is reading things off from a list.)

Sephiroth: “Do you think she needs plastic surgery?”

Brady: “No.”

Sephiroth: “Are you an alcoholic?”

Brady: “No!”

Sephiroth: “Do you have an incurable STD?”

Brady: “No!!”

Sephiroth: “Are you abusive to women?”

Brady: “NO!”

Sephiroth: “…Are you gay?”

Brady: “No! Sephiroth, what are the point of these questions?”

Sephiroth: “They’re just…uh…for the…book I’m writing.”

Brady: “You’re writing a book?”

Sephiroth: “Sure I am! What, you don’t think I could write a book? I should have written one a long time ago!”

Brady: “Okay…yeah. Well good luck with that.”

(he hurries out. vincent enters)

Vincent: “Angel, what are you doing?”

Sephiroth: *quickly hiding list* “Nothing!”

Vincent: “What were you doing with Brady?”

Sephiroth: “Just having a friendly chat. Heh heh.” *mutters* “Yeah, I’m writing a book – on how to get rid of you!”

Vincent: “What’s that, angel?”

Sephiroth: “Nothing. So how about another game of 13 Dead End Drive?” *mumbles* “It’s such a great way to test out my ideas.”

Vincent: “What’s that?”

Sephiroth: “Nothing, Vincent. Geez, what are you hearing things now? Maybe you should go see my therapist.”

Vincent: “I believe he’s still in traction.”

Sephiroth: *laughs* “I would hope so.”

 

THE END