#122 – Star Wars: Episode One: The Hojo Menace

Ku-wan: “Who the hell elects a 15 year old Queen?! What kind of backwards planet are we on?”

Originally Published: ??? . 16 pages

Hojo falls asleep while watching the first episode of Star Wars. What would happen if HE was Qui Gon Jinn?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

It is painfully obvious that this was supposed to be part of a series of dream rambles starring various characters. These other rambles clearly never came about, but Zell and his Gilligan’s Island parody was supposed to be next. Honestly, this ramble is a study in my laziness because I was originally going to parody the whole movie before I got bored and just ended it. It was probably for the best – I think it only would have suffered had I dragged it on longer. For once you did good, laziness. Also, I have no idea why the date this was put up was not recorded in any way. But it bothers me greatly.

(we open in loser land! Thats always an adventure. Anyway, we have the losers all on the couches in front of their TV. Hojo stands up front, a video in hand.)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Movie night!”

Scarlet: “This is so stupid!”

Nida: “Shut up, ho! You’re just mad because we didn’t pick your movie!”

Scarlet: “Hey, it was the best one I ever did! It was up for porno of the year!”

Heidegger: “Must have been a slow year! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, Heidegger!!”

Kuja: *painting nails* “I don’t care what we watch, as long as we keep the lights on.”

Seymour: “So you can see your disgustingly pink toe nails?”

Kuja: *glares at him* “*No*. Because Hojo will molest me in the dark.”

Kefka: “Hehehe!!! Popcorn!” *eats a handful of buttons*

Nida: “Uh…he knows that isn’t popcorn, right?”

Heidegger: *eating a handful of popcorn* “Gya haa haa! I have *real* popcorn! Right, Stinky? Gya haa haa!”

Stinky: *snort*

Hojo: “Silence, fools. I am now putting in the movie. We are watching “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.”

Nida: “I love this movie! …Except for Jar Jar. No one likes him.”

Scarlet: “Look who’s talking.”

Nida: “Shut up, whore! At least I’m not a skank!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! You couldn’t get some if you paid! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “Shut up, Heidegger!”

Hojo: “Shush! We’re watching the movie now!” *he sits next to kuja* “Now, porkchop, are you *sure* you want the lights on?”

Kuja: “For once, yes.”

(and so the movie starts. But you know, hojos a pretty old guy, and its fairly late, and hes been up since five a.m. perfecting another creepy potion. He falls asleep. And yes, my friends, you should be extremely scared. Its dream time for hojo!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ — infamous dream lines. Anyway, we find ourselves in the star wars universe, prequel style. Into the room walk two hooded figures. When they take their hoods off, we see these people are hojo and kuja, well, they look like them anyway.)

Kuja looking guy: “Master Qui-Jo, I have a bad feeling about this.”

Qui-Jo: “There is nothing to fear, padawan Ku-wan Kenobi. The federation won’t harm us.”

Ku-wan: “I was talking about these outfits. They’re terrible. I wanted a pink robe.”

Qui-Jo: “Now, now, padawan. No complaining, or we won’t make out later.”

Ku-wan: “Is that supposed to be a threat?”

(suddenly they are attacked by some destroyers)

Ku-wan: “Master! Destroyers!” *sigh* “I just put my lightsaber away…”

Qui-Jo: “We’ve been tricked! You were right to have a bad feeling about this, young padawan!”

Ku-wan: “I told you these robes are awful.”

Qui-Jo: “Quick! We must escape! With the running and the screaming and the fleeing for our lives and so on and so forth!”

(and so they run away to the cargo bay, where they see the battle droids being loaded onto the ship)

Qui-Jo: “Look! Ku-wan! The Trade Federation is going to attack Naboo!”

Ku-wan: *patting his sides* “I know my compact is in one of these pockets…”

Qui-Jo: “We have to warn the Queen! Let’s sneak onto these ships and take them down to the surface.”

Ku-wan: “All right. But they better have ample leg room.”

(and so they sneak onto the ship. It goes down to the surface, and lands. They sneak off and start bashing the driods with their kick ass lightsabers! *ahem* yes. Anyway, they get separated, and qui-jo starts running away from the ship thats chasing him when he sees a native, who looks a lot like nida, in his way)

Qui-Jo: “Get out of the way, you stupid thing!”

Nida thing: “Meesa can’t hear you over the ship noise!”

(qui-jo knocks down the guy, and the ship misses them and continues on. Then they get up again, and brush themselves off)

Qui-Jo: “Oh my Scottish kilt.”

Nida thing: “You saved me!”

Qui-Jo: “Yes, yes. I suppose so. Now where is my attractive young padawan?”

Nida thing: “You saved meesa life! I’m Nar Nar Binks!”

Qui-Jo: “Qui-Jo Jinn. Hmmm… You’re a local, are you not?”

Nar Nar: “Sure! Meesa a local! Meesa drive the Gungan city!”

Qui-Jo: “Pardon?”

Nar Nar: “Okay… Maybe meesa lie a bit…”

(ku-wan runs up, out of breath.)

Ku-wan: “I hate the woods. Let’s go to the palace and live like queens.”

Qui-Jo: “Ku-wan, I’ve run across a local.”

Ku-wan: “Oh… Gross…”

Qui-Jo: “We need to get to your capitol.”

Nar Nar: “Wesa can take the Gungan city ship! Meesa can drive it!”

Qui-Jo: “Are you lying again?”

Nar Nar: “No! Follow me!” *runs off*

Qui-Jo: “Let’s go, Ku-wan.”

Ku-wan: “I don’t feel like it.”

Qui-Jo: “And you wonder why everyone tells you you’ll never be a Jedi.”

(and so they get into the ship, and start off to the capitol through the water. Nar nar is driving)

Nar Nar: “You saved meesa life! Meesa owe you a life debt! Now meesa follow you around till meea die!”

Ku-wan: “I say kill it now.”

Qui-Jo: “Silence, Ku-wan. Perhaps he will come in handy.”

Ku-wan: “Unless he can get us free moisturizer, I’m not interested.”

Nar Nar: *looks confused* “Uh oh…”

Qui-Jo: “What’s the matter?”

Nar Nar: “Meesa not sure what messa doing…”

Qui-Jo: “I thought you said you could drive this thing!”

Nar Nar: “Meesa might have lied again…”

Qui-Jo: “Oh I’ll just do it!”

Nar Nar: “Uh…meesa’s suddenly remembering that these are dangerous waters.”

Ku-wan: “Oh god.”

Nar Nar: “Ack!! Meesa see a big fish behind us!”

Ku-wan: “Hurry. Use your ugly face as bait.”

Qui-Jo: “Ku-wan, how many times must I remind you that patience is a Jedi virtue?”

Ku-wan: “That’s quite impossible with *this* thing around.”

Nar Nar: *Staring out window* “AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

(they manage to narrowly escape the fish, and end up in the capitol)

Ku-wan: “Ah. Time to rest at last. I’ll be in the nearest spa.”

Qui-Jo: “You can get your pretty self pampered later, my darling padawan. Right now we have to save the Queen.” *points to where the queen is being held at gunpoint by some battle droids*

Ku-wan: *sigh* “Guess that means I have to find my lightsaber again.”

(and so the two jedi easily kill the droids, freeing the queen. Nar nar cowers in fear)

Queen: “You saved me! They were trying to make me sign a paper that made their invasion legal! They won’t stop until I do what they want!”

Qui-Jo: “Don’t worry, your majesty. We’ll take you to Coruscant and get this all straightened out.”

Queen: “Will you take my multitude of pointless servants as well?”

Qui-Jo: “I suppose…”

Ku-wan: “I have a question.”

Qui-Jo: “Oh, what is it now?”

Ku-wan: “How old are you, Queen Reevidala?”

Queen: “15.”

Ku-wan: “And you were *elected* Queen?”

Queen: “Yes.”

Ku-wan: “Who the hell elects a 15 year old Queen?! What kind of backwards planet are we on?”

Nar Nar: “Meesa Nar Nar Binks! Meesa drive the Gungan ship!”

Ku-wan: “…Never mind. I answered my own question.”

(and so the jedi, the queen, nar nar and the many servants get on a ship and take off. Theyre shot at however, and the ship is damaged. Theyre going to have to end up landing somewhere else for repairs before continuing to their destination. Meanwhile, somewhere else entirely, we see two dark figures walking along on a balcony. One looks kinda like seph. The other looks kinda like vincent, except his face is covered in red and black paint.)

Sephiroth guy: “Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen, Darth Vaul.”

Darth Vaul: “Yes, master Sephirtine. Soon we will kill all the Jedi.”

Sephirtine: “Darth Vaul, what is with that ridiculous make-up?”

Darth Vaul: “I thought it might make me look more threatening.”

Sephirtine: “Oh… That’s what it’s supposed to do? …Fine. I want you to go out and find those two Jedi: Qui-Jo and Ku-wan. Kill them.”

Darth Vaul: “Why?”

Sephirtine: “Because I said so. I think I foresaw that too, or something.”

Darth Vaul: “Every time you say that it’s just another nail in your coffin.”

Sephirtine: “Silence. Just do as I ask.”

Darth Vaul: “Very well, master.”

Sephirtine: “And don’t cut yourself in half with your two sided lightsaber like my last apprentice.”

Darth Vaul: “Yes, master.”

(meanwhile, back on the ship)

Ku-wan: “Oh molesting master of mine, it seems we have a problem.”

Qui-Jo: “Did you lose the lubricant again?”

Ku-wan: “Um…no. I’m talking about the ship. We have to land somewhere and get it fixed. Some of these parts are broken, and we need new ones.”

Qui-Jo: “Very well. Where do you suggest we land?”

Ku-wan: “The remote planet of Tatooine. It’s discreet and not under the control of the republic. Instead it’s run by the Heidegger’s.”

Qui-Jo: “Very well. We shall land there then. We’ll go into town—“

Ku-wan: “Um, I think not. The desert atmosphere will dry out my skin.”

Qui-Jo: “…Fine. You stay here and make sure the others don’t do anything stupid like contact Naboo. I’ll take Nar Nar.”

Ku-wan: “It’s your funeral.”

(and so they land, and qui-jo and nar nar start off for town when suddenly this dorky kid that looks like reeve runs after them)

Reeve kid: “Wait!”

Qui-Jo: “Yes?”

Reeve kid: “I’m one of the Queen’s servants. He wants you to take me with you so I can…uh…tell him about the planet.”

Qui-Jo: *blink blink* “The Queen is a boy?”

Reeve kid: “Yeah…”

Qui-Jo: “But he was wearing a dress.”

Reeve kid: “Your point being…?”

Qui-Jo: “Okay, never mind. I’ve already come to the conclusion that Naboo is weird.”

Nar Nar: “Messa drive the Gungan ship!”

Qui-Jo: “Fine, you can come with us, boy. But you better keep up.”

Reeve kid: “Sure! Thanks! My name’s Reemade.”

Nar Nar: “Meesa Nar Nar Binks!”

Qui-Jo: “Enough! The both of you! Let us proceed.”

(and so, off the go into town. They go into a shop which sells ship parts. Inside is a little flying thing that looks a lot like seymour. Behind the counter works a little kid who looks like tseng.)

Seymour flying thing: *from here on in known as SFT* “Ah, hello. Welcome to my lovely shop. What can I do for you?”

Qui-Jo: “I need some parts for my ship.”

SFT: “Can I interest you in some make-up as well?”

Qui-Jo: “Um, no. Just the parts.”

SFT: “Very well. Come in the back and we’ll get you fixed up.”

(he starts flying towards the back door)

Qui-Jo: *to nar nar and reemade* “Don’t touch anything.” *follows sft out*

Nar Nar: *immediately starts poking around*

Tseng kid: *to reemade* “Are you an angel?”

Reemade: “Excuse me?”

Tseng kid: “An angel. I hear starship pilots talk about them. Of course, they’re mostly drunk and trying to molest me. But I like hearing their stories anyway. I want to be a starship pilot when I grow up too! But…not a drunk one.”

Reemade: “I see… You poor little boy. I’m not an angel. My name is Reemade.” *hesitantly* “Are you a slave?”

Tseng kid: “I’m a *person* and my name’s Tsengakin.”

Reemade: “Pleased to meet you, Tsengakin.”

Nar Nar: *falls head first into a tall bucket* “Ack!!! Meesa need help!”

Reemade: “Oh *god* is that thing annoying…”

(meanwhile, back outside)

SFT: “It seems I have all the parts you need.”

Qui-Jo: “Very well.” *offers a handful of coins* “Here you are.”

SFT: “Uh… I think not.”

Qui-Jo: “Excuse me?”

SFT: “Those are Republic credits. They’re not good out here. I won’t accept those.”

Qui-Jo: “This is all I have.”

SFT: “Sorry. I’m not going to take them.”

Qui-Jo: *waves hand* “Credits will do fine.”

SFT: “Um, no.”

Qui-Jo: *waves hand again* “Credits will do fine.”

SFT: “Are you deaf? I said no.”

Qui-Jo: *again waving hand* “Credits *will* do fine.”

SFT: “No! What, are you trying to be a Jedi and mess with my head? That won’t work on me. Only money… …Or make-up. But mostly money.”

Qui-Jo: “Fine.” *stalks out* “We’re going.”

(reemade glances at tsengakin one more time before going outside. Qui-jo has a communicator out and is calling ku-wan)

Ku-wan’s voice: “Hello?”

Qui-Jo: “Ku-wan, my darling lamb, it’s me.”

Ku-wan’s voice: “…Oh. Dammit. Uh… I’m doing my levitating exercises, I swear.”

Qui-Jo: “Never mind that. Do we have anything on the ship that’s of value?”

Ku-wan: “Um…my diamonds. Maybe the Queen’s wardrobe, but it’s really so ugly I don’t see why anyone would want to dress like that.”

Qui-Jo: “I see. Has anything happened?”

Ku-wan: “Oh, we got a message from Naboo. Some man with horrible facial hair wanted the Queen to contact him, but I know it was a trick, so I told them to send no reply.”

Qui-Jo: “Good call, Ku-wan. Make sure you send no replies at any time.”

Ku-wan: “All right, but if a cute guy calls, I’m making no promises.” *he hangs up*

Reemade: “Ack!!! Qui-Jo! Come quick! Nar Nar’s got himself into trouble!”

Qui-Jo: “Oh god, just let him die.”

(he comes over to find nar nar in a confrontation with a really ugly creature that looks like kefka)

Nar Nar: *covering head* “Don’t kill me! Meesa drive the Gungan ship!”

Sekefka: “Hehehehe…breakfast…”

Tsengakin: “Back off, Sekefka!” *struts over* “I wouldn’t mess with him. He has powerful outlander friends. You might wanna save your strength for the next pod race.”

Sekefka: “Hehehehehe!! Better to kick your ass, my dear!!” *runs off*

Reemade: “…Dare I ask what the hell that was?”

Tsengakin: “That’s Sekefka, local freak. He’s a big pod racer around here.”

Reemade: “Pod racing?”

Tsengakin: “Yeah, it’s a really cool sport. I’m making my own pod.”

Reemade: “Really? I’m pretty technically inclined—I’d love to see it.”

Tsengakin: “Really? You should come over to my house then! There’s a storm coming anyway—I’m guessing you guys don’t have anywhere to go.”

Qui-Jo: “We could go back to our ship on the outskirts of town.”

Tsengakin: “You’ll never make it on time. Come and stay at my house.”

(he starts walking, the others follow eagerly, except for qui-jo, who hangs back, pouting a minute.)

Qui-Jo: “…But then I can’t see Ku-wan. We’ve never been separated for so long!”

(back at tsengakins house, they all go inside and meet up with tsengakins mother, who looks like scarlet.)

Tsengakin: “Mommy! I’m home!”

Mother: *coming into the room* “Oh, good. You can have your dinner now before my client—“ *stops as she sees the guests* “…Oh. I see you brought home company.”

Tsengakin: “There’s a sand storm coming, and they had nowhere to go.”

Mother: “Damn. That always ruins business.” *sigh* “Fine, come in.”

Tsengakin: “Master Qui-Jo gave me candy and played a game called ‘find the sausage’ with me!”

Qui-Jo: “Heh, that was supposed to be our little secret.”

Mother: “Well, come sit down for dinner.”

Tsengakin: “Just a second, mom.” *to reemade* “Since I can’t show you my pod racer ‘cause of the storm and all, I’ll show you my droid instead!”

Reemade: “You’re building a droid too?! Cool!”

(they go off into an adjoining room. Tsengakin goes over to the half done droid in the corner and turns it on.)

Tsengakin: “This is my protocol droid.”

Droid: *snaps awake* “Goodness gracious me.” *is reminiscent of rufus* “I am RFU-O, human cyborg relations.”

Reemade: “Wow. He’s amazing. How many languages do you speak?”

Droid: “I am fluent in over six million forms of communication and can readily—“

Reemade: “Why haven’t you covered him up yet?”

Droid: “What? I’m naked?!” *looks down* “Oh god, I hate you.”

Tsengakin: “Okay, that’s enough out of you.” *shuts him off* “I still have some more programming to do.”

(they go back to join the others and sit down for dinner.)

Reemade: “I can’t believe you are slaves. The Republic’s anti slavery laws—“

Mother: “The Republic doesn’t exist out here. We don’t have any prostituting laws out here either.” *mumbles* “Thank god.”

Tsengakin: “Anyone ever seen a pod race?”

Qui-Jo: “Those races are very dangerous.”

Tsengakin: “I’m the only human who can do it.”

Qui-Jo: “You must have Jedi reflexes to be able to do that.”

Tsengakin: “You’re a Jedi, aren’t you. I saw your laser sword.”

Qui-Jo: “Oh. Is that what you call it out here?”

Tsengakin: “…Your weapon.”

Qui-Jo: “Oh! This! Yes!” *nervous laughter* “Maybe I just killed a Jedi and took it.”

Tsengakin: “That’s impossible.”

Mother: “So what brings you all the way out here?”

Reemade: “Our ship needs parts, but we don’t have the money for them. We’re on a very important mission and we can’t afford to stall.”

Nar Nar: “Meesa drive the Gungan ship!”

Mother: “No money, huh? You could always go into my business.”

Tsengakin: “Mother…” *pause* “You know, there’s a big pod race tomorrow. You could enter my pod, and I’d race for you.”

Mother: “Are you crazy? No. I hate when you’re in that stupid race. If you die, who’s gonna carry on the family business?”

Tsengakin: “But mom, the prize money would more than pay for the stuff they need! Besides, I love to race!”

Mother: “Tsengakin…”

Reemade: “We don’t want to put your son in any danger.”

Qui-Jo: “Yes, really. He’s far too pretty to die so young.”

Mother: “No.” *sigh* “I guess there’s no choice. He’s the only one who can help you.” *pause* “Now is anyone in the mood for a good prostitute?”

Everyone: *gives her weird looks*

Mother: *quickly getting up* “I’m going to clean the table…”

(the next day. Tsengakin and reemade are working on the pod with nar nar. Qui-jo is watching them when mother comes over.)

Qui-Jo: “Your son is pretty.”

Mother: “I know.” *sigh* “It’s a shame, but I know he’s above the family business.”

Qui-Jo: “He has special powers. Who was his father?”

Mother: “I don’t know… One morning I woke up after a customer, nine months later I had the kid. I was drunk off my ass. What can I say?”

Qui-Jo: “I see.” *calls* “Tsengakin, can you come here for a minute?”

Tsengakin: *running over* “Are we gonna play the sausage game again?”

Qui-Jo: “Uh, no. Hold still.” *pokes him with something*

Tsengakin: “Ow. That hurts!”

Qui-Jo: “I’m all done now, please excuse me.”

(he goes back inside and dials up ku-wan.)

Ku-wan: “Hello?”

Qui-Jo: “It’s me, young padawan. I sending you a blood sample I want you count for metaclorians.”

Ku-wan: “What now?”

Qui-Jo: “You know, those little things that make the Force.”

Ku-wan: “Make the Force? I thought the Force was in everything.”

Qui-Jo: “Have you been listening to a word I say?”

Ku-wan: “Not especially.”

Qui-Jo: “Shut up, Ku-wan, you stupid idiot and tell me what the count is.”

Ku-wan: “But I’m downloading your daily porn.”

Qui-Jo: “That can wait. Do what I asked.”

Ku-wan: “Wow. This *must* be important.” *studying computer* “Wow. Did you know they’re having a buy 1 get 1 free sale at Sephora?”

Qui-Jo: “KU-WAN!”

Ku-wan: “Fine, fine.” *clicks some keys and studies the screen again* “Huh. Well look at that. It’s off the chart.”

Qui-Jo: “I suspected as much. That’s a very special and very pretty boy. I’m going to have to find a way to get him back with us.”

Ku-wan: “Please, master. Control your urges. If you get caught again, they’ll kick you out of the order.”

Qui-Jo: “Don’t worry, Ku-wan. I just want to train him.”

Ku-wan: “You ‘trained’ me too, if you’ll recall.”

Qui-Jo: “Yes, I trained you very well, if I do say so myself.”

Ku-wan: “Sure you did.” *rolls eyes* “Now can I hang up or do you want to have phone sex?”

Qui-Jo: “Tempting, but I really have to go and get ready for the race.”

Ku-wan: “Fine. No skin off my back. Later.” *hangs up*

Qui-Jo: *rubs chin thoughtfully* “Yes… I must train that boy. Ku-wan is getting much too fresh. But how will I get him…? How…?”

(~~~~~~~hojo wakes up to find himself alone on the couch in loser land. The room is dark.)

Hojo: *rubs eyes* “What the…” *sits up* “Dammit. And I was having such a nice dream. If only I really *was* master of all the pretty boys.” *dreamy sigh* “Ah, well. I always have my other amusements.” *checks watch* “Speaking of those, Kuja should be naked by now…”


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