#106 – Gya haa haa! Candy!

Barret: “Yo! Why dat be, cat costume rat? You actually look like somethin’ for a change! Well, kinda anyway!”

Originally Published: 10/30/01 . 16 pages

Synopsis
It’s Halloween time again at the ramble room, and Heidegger wants candy! So he sends out Stinky to do some trick or treating! What’s everyone in the ramble room up to this Halloween?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

You can tell how dated this ramble is by the Mr. T 1-800 collect ads reference. This was Shell’s idea, and I think the concept was better than my execution. Best costume award probably goes to Tseng as Minnie Mouse. And it’s pretty ironic that Seph dresses up as a vampire. He also gets some of the best jokes of the ramble in there at Vincent’s expense.

(we open in loser land. there we see heidegger putting a little green hat on stinky, who’s dressed as a leprechaun. he’s holding a trick or treat bag)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Stinky! You look great!”

Stinky: *snorts in agreement*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Now! Go room to room and collect lots of candy for me! Gya haa haa! If you’re good I’ll let you sniff it! Gya haa haa!”

Stinky: *unhappy snort*

Heidegger: “Fine! I’ll buy you alfalfa too! Gya haa haa! Now go!”

Stinky: *snort*

(and so stinky, in his green ensemble, takes his bag to the next room and noses the door open. inside we see scarlet, dressed as a…school teacher? and nida is superman.)

Nida: “Look! I’m being myself for Halloween!”

Scarlet: “Shut the hell up. Didn’t I tell you to get out of here like five times?”

Nida: “I was gonna be Batman, but Superman is cooler.”

Scarlet: “Where’s the nearest supply of Kryptonite?”

Nida: “Ha ha, very funny.” *looks her over* “Where did you get that outfit?”

Scarlet: “One of my old jobs.”

Nida: “….You used to be a teacher?”

Scarlet: *shifty eyes* “Yeah. That’s it.”

Nida: “I’m going to run Garden someday because I’m Superman!”

Scarlet: *rolls eyes* “Yeah. And I’m Super Girl.”

Nida: “…Really?”

Stinky: *loud snort*

Scarlet and Nida: *look at him and blink*

Scarlet: “How long has he been standing there?”

Nida: “My superhero powers cannot detect the exact time.”

Scarlet: “Oh, shut up! You’re not a super hero!” *pause* “…I think he wants candy.”

Nida: “…Well give him the crappy stuff.”

Stinky: *unhappy snort*

Scarlet: *dumps snickers bars in stinky’s bag* “There you go, sweetie.”

Stinky: *snorts happily and licks scarlet’s hand*

Nida: “Hey! Those were my private candy bars, you stupid ho! You should have given him those flavored things in *your* beside drawer!”

Scarlet: “Uh…that isn’t really candy, Nida.”

Nida: *scratches head* “…Then what the hell is it? I can’t see from here.”

Scarlet: “Use your X-ray vision.”

(stinky, meanwhile, moves on to the next room. he nudges the door open to find hojo dressed as…some guy, and kuja dressed as a princess, gown and all. he’s admiring himself in front of the mirror)

Hojo: “I look just like Tom Cruise.”

Kuja: “One hundred years from now.”

Hojo: “You look marvelous, my pet.”

Kuja: “No. I look stunning.”

Hojo: “As stunning as I am handsome.”

Kuja: *turns to glare at him* “Don’t dare insult me.”

Hojo: “You should have went as Nicole Kidman, my pretty love.”

Kuja: “Why do that when I can go as myself and look five times more beautiful?”

Stinky: *loud snort*

Hojo and Kuja: *look at him and blink*

Kuja: “…I believe it is demanding a treat.”

Hojo: “Ah. Let me see what I have.”

(he has three boxes lined up. he opens the first one a little bit, something cackles, and he quickly slams the box shut again, sweat dropping)

Hojo: “Oh ho… Licky licky.”

Kuja: “That thing is still alive?”

Hojo: “Oh, I’m afraid it won’t ever die.”

Stinky: *snort*

Hojo: “Oh yes, the candy.” *opens the next box* “Oh… This isn’t for you. This is for the…special…trick or treaters.”

Kuja: “I’ll make sure no boy between the ages of 13 and 18 comes within a hundred feet.”

Hojo: “You can’t be watching all the time, my dear. The mirror needs you.”

Kuja: “…True.”

(hojo opens the last box and drops some skittles into stinky’s bag)

Hojo: “Kuja chose these. He says they’re the only candy as pretty as he is.”

Kuja: “I enjoy rainbows.”

Stinky: *snort of thanks*

(and he leaves. he then weasels his way into the ramble complex and over to the private rooms. he noses open the first door. no one seems to be locking up in there. anyway, inside, Ashley is dressed as marilyn monroe. seifer is dressed as the wolf man)

Ashley: “What the hell is this?! I’m a famous movie star, and you’re a monster?! We’re not coordinated at all!”

Seifer: “So what? Who cares? This costume is cool!!! Grrrr!” *holds up hands in attack position*

Ashley: “You look like a rabid dog.”

Seifer: “But I’m not a rabid dog. I’m the Wolf man.”

Ashley: “I know that, Seifer. I know.”

Stinky: *loud snort*

Ashley and Seifer: *look at him and blink*

Seifer: “Ahhh!!! A skunk!! I’ll kill it! I’m the Wolf man!”

Ashley: “Stop it, Seifer!” *smacks him* “That’s Stinky! Heidegger’s pet!”

Seifer: “Ew! It belongs to Heidegger? All the more reason to kill it! Who knows what diseases it has!”

Ashley: “Less than the wolf man.” *kneels down and pats stinky’s head* “Hi, Stinky. Do you want some candy?”

Stinky: *affirmative snort*

Seifer: “Ashley! If I didn’t know better, I’d say you liked that skunk better than me!”

Ashley: *giving stinky twizzlers* “You don’t know better, Seifer.”

Stinky: *licks her hand*

Ashley: “Aw… What a sweet little thing. Have a good Halloween, Stinky!”

Seifer: “Ashley, would you stop paying attention to the skunk and look at me?”

Ashley: “You’re getting on my nerves, Seifer.”

(and so stinky leaves them behind and goes on to the next room. he noses the door open there to find rufus, algus, zell and zidane hanging out. rufus and algus are dressed like kings. zell and zidane are dressed as slaves. zell is smiling. zidane is not)

Zidane: “Rufus, when you said you would buy me a Halloween costume, this wasn’t what I had in mind.”

Rufus: “Well, Algus picked it out. And Algus is always right.”

Algus: “Quite right, my friend. Now fetch me another drink, slave!”

Zidane: “What if I say no?”

Rufus: “Then say good-bye to all that Good & Plenty I promised you!”

Zidane: *mutters unhappily and goes to get the drink*

Zell: “I’m going to get Good & Plenty too, right, Rufus?”

Rufus: “Right. And the less you hit on me, the more you’ll get.”

Zell: *fist in the air* “Cool! Candy rocks!”

Zidane: *hands algus his drink* “Here you are.”

Algus: “‘Here you are *what*?'”

Zidane: *grumbles* “Here you are….master.”

Algus: “Now you have it, common boy slave!”

(he and rufus laugh and clink their glasses together.)

Zell: “Hey, Rufus? Can I have a drink?”

Rufus: “Is your name Rufus?”

Zell: “No.”

Rufus: “Is your name Algus?”

Zell: “Uh, no.”

Rufus: “Then no. No drinks for slaves.”

Zell: *whimpers* “But I’m really thirsty!”

Rufus: “Silence! Go…play with Zidane or something.”

Zell: “…Right in front of you?”

Rufus: “NO!! NOT LIKE THAT!”

Zidane: *shrugs* “I’m for it.”

Zell: “….Yeah… Me too.”

Rufus: “No! No, no, no! Never mind! Just go…stare at the wall.”

Algus: “…I feel lost.”

Rufus: “Feel lucky.”

Stinky: *loud snort*

Everyone: *stares at him and blinks*

Stinky: *holds out bag*

Algus: “I believe the woodland creature would like candy.”

Rufus: “Aw, crap.” *sigh* “Give him some of your Good & Plenty, Zell.”

Zell: *gasp* “No! Come on! That’s mine! I earned it!”

Rufus: “Give him some or all yours goes to Zidane!”

Zidane: *mumbles* “I wish that stuff wasn’t so addictive…”

(zell grumbles unhappily but drops some good & plenty into stinky’s bag)

Stinky: *happy snort*

Algus: “Happy Halloween, little skunk.”

Zidane: “Why the hell do you give the freakin’ rodent more respect than me?”

Algus: “Silence, hooligan! From now on you may not talk without my permission!”

Zell: “Ha ha, Zidane! Rufus didn’t say I couldn’t talk.”

Rufus: “Give me another minute.”

(and so stinky moves onto to the next room, where he pushes open the door to find barret dressed as mr. t, cid dressed as eminem, and red is dressed as…a cat)

Barret: “Yo! I pity da fool who don’t dial 1-800-COLLECT!”

Cid: “#$%^#@%^$%&$#^& $%^$#&#$&#$& $#&!!”

Barret: “Yo! You be right, Cid! Mr. T still got da best material!”

Red:  *sigh* “I dislike this costume.”

Barret: “Yo! Why dat be, cat costume rat? You actually look like somethin’ for a change! Well, kinda anyway!”

Red: “…It is itchy.”

Cid: “#$^$%^$#&#$&#$&#$*#*%#$!”

Barret: “Yo! Cid’s right! Suck it up, cat costume stump! Now quiet! Cid’s gonna rap somethin’ for us!”

Cid: *rapping* “@$%^@#$^@#$%#@$^%@#$^@#^#$^$#^#$&$#&#%^$#^#$@#$%@#$%@ #@$^#^#@^@#$^%#$%#@$%!@^%!^#$%@#$^!@%!@#$@!#%#$^#^TRD@%@##@$% @$%@#$^^@#TE@%^#@$TREFD@^T%#$%#@$%@#%#@^@&^@#^$#&RTS#$#@^#^^

$%^$&%&*$%#^2642@#^#^$#@$%#@$%TGF36RTeD#$^@#%^$%E#@%#W&**#$^ETG$%@ #@^@@#%^$%^$#^#$Y%$^#@%@#^&**(#%#@&**)@%@$!!%%@>%<$@#%><%>@<$

#$%$#>%!@?>%<!>%@<>?!%@<>$#?><@#?$F<F$@%4634%$#%?T<?>RTT@!?!?!?!!$%#$@%#@%!”

Barret: “Yo! Dat be damn good! You almost as good as the real Eminem!”

Cid: “@$%#$^#!$!”

Red: “….I thought it was awful.”

Barret: “Yo! Ain’t no one care what you think, cat costume slug!”

Stinky: *snorts loudly*

Everyone: *stares at him*

Barret: “Yo! What he be dressed as?!”

Red: “I believe he is a leprechaun.”

Barret: “Yo! Ain’t no such thing!”

Red: “I know. But it is what he is dressed as.”

Barret: “You be lyin’, cat costume sloth! Everyone knows the only livin’ leprechaun is the one on the cereal box!”

Red: *sigh* “You are so stupid…”

Cid: “@%@#$^#%^ #$^@#&!!”

Barret: “Yo! You tell ‘im, Cid! And give that there skunk some candy, yo!”

Cid: “$%$#^$%^ $%&#$*#$^ @@%%#^!” *gives stinky mounds bars*

Stinky: *thankful snort*

Barret: “Yo! Tell that there skunk he’s welcome, cat costume rat! You speak da same native language, right?”

Red: “This *is* my native language.”

Barret: “Yo! Dat can’t be right! You probably speak it when we ain’t around and make fun of us!”

Red: “…If only…”

(stinky leaves and moves on. behind the next door he noses into, is shell, dressed as cleopatra lounging on a chair, and rude is dressed as a slave)

Shell: “We’re lucky we got you that costume, Rude. It was the last one left at the store!”

Rude: “I wonder how that could be, Shell.”

Shell: “Well never mind that, Rude. They had plenty of Cleopatra costumes left.”

Rude: “Maybe because they were 200 dollars a piece, Shell.”

Shell: “….Nah, that can’t be it. 200 dollars is nothing, right, Rude?”

Rude: *sigh* “Right, Shell.”

Stinky: *loud snort*

Shell and Rude: *look at him*

Shell: “Aw!! Stinky!! Come here!” *pats the spot next to her*

Stinky: *snorts happily and goes to sit next to shell*

Shell: “Do you want candy, Stinky?”

Stinky: *affirmative snort*

Shell: *barks* “Rude! Get Stinky candy!”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.” *goes off*

Shell: *pats stinky’s head* “I’ll make sure he gives you lots of candy, Stinky.” *calls* “Right, Rude!”

Rude: *calls back* “Right, Shell.”

Stinky: *happy snort*

Rude: *returns and dumps a whole bag of twix bars in stinky’s bag* “Here.”

Stinky: *snort of thanks*

Shell: “Aw… He’s so cute. Isn’t he cute, Rude?”

Rude: *deadpans* “Very cute, Shell.”

Shell: “Have a nice Halloween, Stinky!” *nudges rude* “Tell him to have a nice Halloween.”

Rude: *like a robot* “Have a nice Halloween.”

(and so stinky leaves them behind and moves on to the next room where Noelle, reno and irvine are. they’re not dressed up. Noelle is going through her closet. reno and irvine…are actually wearing one another’s clothes.)

Reno: “Sexy! Hurry it on up! We’ll miss the special at the bar.”

Irvine: *grins* “Come in costume and get free drinks. I like it!”

Noelle: *frowning at them* “Oh, come on. You guys are barely dressed up.”

Reno: “Not so. We’re dressed as the coolest guys around.”

Irvine: “Damn straight!” *high five*

Reno: “Besides, if anyone asks… I’m a cowboy.”

Irvine: “And I’m a bum.” *laughs*

Reno: “Yeah, man. Laugh it up.” *frowns*

Irvine: “I was just kiddin’, man.”

Reno: “Aw, I know. I was just yankin’ your chain.” *sigh* “Sexy! Put on a bathing suit and go as a ditz for all I care! We’re gonna be late!”

Irvine: “Or put on nothing and go as a nudist!” *grin*

Reno: *grins* “I like the way you think, man.”

Irvine: “Of course ya do, buddy.”

Reno: “Sexy! Do Irvine’s idea!”

Noelle: “Yeah! Dream on!”

Both: “Will do!” *high five*

Stinky: *loud snort*

All: *look at him*

Reno: “Whoa man. I’m seein’ things and I ain’t even drunk yet.”

Noelle: “Idiot. That’s Heidegger’s pet skunk.”

Irvine: “Oh right. What’s it’s name again? Smelly?”

Stinky: *unhappy snort*

Irvine: “Oh right. Stinky. Sorry. Don’t go sprayin’ me or anything.”

Noelle: “…I think it wants Halloween candy.”

Reno: “Do skunks *eat* Halloween candy?”

Noelle: “I don’t know! Do I look like a skunk expert!”

Irvine: “Why don’t you go as that for Halloween?” *laughs*

Noelle: “Just give him some candy while I find a costume.”

Reno: “Um…okay…” *picks up a box of kit kats* “Oh, hey! Lookit!” *sings* “Gimme a break! Gimme a break! Break me off a piece of that kit-kat bar!” *grin*

Irvine: *grimace* “Don’t do that again, man.”

Reno: *frowns and gives stinky some candy* “Here you go, little guy. Don’t eat it all in one night! And don’t egg people’s rooms either! Unless it’s Rufus’ room.”

Irvine: “Or Nida’s.”

Noelle: “Or Zell’s!”

Stinky: *snort snort*

(and he leaves, moving on to the next room. there he noses open the door to see reeve and tseng. reeve is mickey mouse. tseng, believe it or not, is minnie mouse. and reeve is not the one who looks happy)

Reeve: *staring at himself in the mirror* “I look ridiculous.”

Tseng: “You wanna wear the skirt?”

Reeve: “This is the last time we take a dare from Kuja.”

Tseng: “Well at least I look cute.” *pause* “I guess.”

Reeve: “This is even worse than that cheerleader costume I got stuck in last year!”

Tseng: “I think you look cute.”

Reeve: “I look ridiculous! What was Kuja dressing up as again?”

Tseng: “To quote him exactly: a pretty, pretty princess.”

Reeve: “Isn’t that him everyday?!”

Tseng: “…I guess you’re right.”

Reeve: *sigh* “Well, I’m stuck now.” *looks over at tseng* “Wow. You really are cute.”

Tseng: *smile smile* “You think so?”

Reeve: *grins and embraces him* “What do you say we let these costumes hit the floor and–“

Stinky: *loud snort*

Tseng and Reeve: *stop grinning and stare at stinky*

Reeve: *jaw drops*

Tseng: “….Well that ruined the mood.”

Stinky: *holds out bag*

Reeve: “Oh god, it wants candy.”

Tseng: “Do we have any??”

Reeve: “Only…” *looks at tseng*

Tseng: “…Oh no.” *frowns* “Well, I guess we can part with some.”

Reeve: *whines* “Oh, but I…”

Tseng: *pats him on the cheek* “Be good and I’ll take care of it later.”

(he goes into a drawer and pulls out a handful of lollipops, dropping them in stinky’s bag)

Tseng: “Here you go, cutie. Make sure Hojo doesn’t get any, okay?”

Reeve: “Like they’ll do him any good.”

Stinky: *snorts and nods*

(then all of the sudden, just as he’s about to leave, cait sith pops out of nowhere and goes over to stinky)

Cait Sith: “You stole my costume idea! And I had the horseshoes and clovers and everything!”

(he raises his m-phone, but stinky turns and sprays him. cait sith looks stunned, short circuits, and collapses)

Reeve: “Oh my god! Stinky killed Cait Sith!”

Tseng: “You…bast…aw…but he looks so cute.”

Reeve: *sniffles quietly*

Tseng: *pats him reassuringly on the shoulder* “It’s okay, Reeve. He had a nice long life.”

(he’s then off to the last room! where, upon opening the door, we have lark, dressed as a vampire chick, sephiroth, dressed as just a plain vampire, and vincent is one as well)

Lark: “We all look so cool!”

Sephiroth: “Hey. Why can Vincent get away with being himself for Halloween and I can’t?”

Vincent: “Not funny, angel.”

Lark: “Oh knock it off, Sephiroth! At least you don’t have to pretend to like the Gundam Wing guys this year! They got stuck taking Quatre’s sisters trick or treating.”

Sephiroth: “I never pretend to like them anyway.”

Lark: “I love Halloween. It’s such a festive and lively holiday.”

Sephiroth: “Is there any holiday you don’t like, woman?”

Lark: “St. Patricks Day.”

Sephiroth: *dryly* “Ha ha. You’re oh so funny.”

Lark: “So tonight will be fun, don’t you think?”

Sephiroth: “As long as Vincent doesn’t hog the coffin.”

Vincent: “Stop mocking me.”

Stinky: *loud snort*

All: *stare at him*

Vincent: “I believe we have a trick or treater.”

Lark: “Aw!!! How cute!! Stinky’s trick or treating!”

(she grabs a bowl of candy and kneels down in front of him)

Sephiroth: “If you ask him what he’s supposed to be I’m going to smack you.”

Lark: *ignoring seph* “You look so cute, Stinky! You should dump Heidegger and come live with me!”

Sephiroth: “I’m sure you’ll pick up lots of guys walking a skunk.”

Vincent: “Can you keep your comments to a minimum, angel?”

Sephiroth: “Obviously not, Vincent, or I would have shut up a long time ago.”

Stinky: *snorts and holds out bag*

Lark: “You are the cutest thing! Here you go!” *gives him several packs of m&ms* “Just make sure the likes of Hojo, Heidegger and Scarlet ignore the green ones.”

Stinky: *snort snort*

Sephiroth: *snort*

Vincent: *sweat drop* “What’s wrong with the green ones?”

(stinky licks lark’s hand and goes to leave)

Vincent: “I just ate quite an amount of green ones.”

Sephiroth: *labored sigh* “Oh great. I know what I’ll be doing tonight.”

(and so, with all his candy in tow, the cute little skunk returns with all his candy to heidegger’s room. stinky snorts and hands him the candy bag)

Heidegger: *peering inside* “Gya haa haa! Stinky! Excellent! Gya haa haa! I’m cravin’ for you–I’m missin’ you like candy! Gya haa haa!” *starts to dig in*

Stinky: *starts munching on the wrappers*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Who said you could have those?!”

THE END

 

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