#96 – Ye Old Crappiest Vacation Ever! (part three)

Zell: *holds his head with tears in his eyes* “This is the ye olde worst vacation ever!” *runs off in tears*

Originally Published: 7/23/01 . 20 pages

Synopsis
The losers are having a great time on their vacation, but the ramble gang is falling apart at the seams! Rufus and Tseng are fighting, and Sephiroth and Lark are not getting along at all. Will they leave Williamsburg as friends or enemies?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this was all written after I had just come home from a vacation to Williamsburg. Shell and I came up with most of this stuff while we were there. In this one Lark gets stung by a bee on her finger, which really happened to me, although on a trip previous to the one I had taken before writing this ramble. It was the first time I had ever been stung, and I thought I was just going to flick some fly off me. But I felt pain in my finger, and brought my hand back around to find a yellow jacket crawling on it. Yikes! Anyway, Lark and Sephiroth, after all that build up, break up in this ramble already. That didn’t last long, huh?

(the next morning, our not so happy group is gathered around. our smokers are at it again. rufus is babbling, and tseng has a hand to his head. lark and sephiroth are not speaking, and are facing away from one another, arms crossed. vincent stands nearby.)

Rufus: “You took Mr. Jingles!”

Tseng: “For the last time– I DID NOT!!!!”

Rufus: “You did too! You took him because you’re mad you can’t have me!”

Tseng: “I DON’T WANT YOU!”

Reeve: *sigh* “Rufus, you put Mr. Jingles under the bed for safe keeping, remember?”

Rufus: “….Oh….right….” *pause* “I knew that.”

Tseng: “Yeah. Sure you did.”

Reno: “Tell me we’re not going back to the educational place again.”

Zell: “The ye olde gopher was cool.”

Lark: “No, we’re going to Busch Gardens, the amusement park.”

Almost everyone: “Whoo hoo!”

Noelle: “Finally some real fun!”

Shell: “Yesterday was *too* fun.”

Seifer: “Come on! Let’s get there now so we don’t have to wait on lines!” *leads the way*

Ashley: “Here we go again…”

……………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile in loser land…everyone is sitting around in the living room except hojo. nida is reading ‘high self esteem magazine’, scarlet is clipping her toe nails, kuja is painting his toe nails, mindy is drawing some kind of picture, and heidegger and stinky are eating grass)

Scarlet: “Heidegger, where the hell did you get that?”

Heidegger: “Outside! I picked the worms out! Gya haa haa!”

Stinky: *snort*

Scarlet: “Ugh… Kuja, let me use that color when you’re done.”

Kuja: “I refuse to be seen in the same color. Pick your own.” *gestures to a giant case of nail polish.”

Scarlet: *mutters* “I wanted pink.”

Nida: *puts down magazine* “I feel great about myself now!”

Mindy and Scarlet: “You’re a jackass.”

Nida: “Hey!” *frowns* “Mindy…what are you drawing?”

Mindy: *holds up drawing* “You and Squall hugging.”

Nida: “AHHHH!!! What?!?!”

Mindy: “It’s so pretty!” *giggle*

Nida: “Ahh!!!! No!!! Gimme that! I have to destroy it!!”

Mindy: “No! I spent a lot of time on it!!”

(he lunges for her, but she gets out of the way, mocking him. before nida can do anything more, hojo comes out, holding something wrapped in tin foil)

Hojo: “Come on, all! It is time for us to enter the fishing contest! And I will be the winner with what I have caught!”

Kuja: “Can we see it now?”

Hojo: “…All right.”

(he unwraps it and everyone peers in to look. that’s no fish he’s got there! some parts of it might have belonged to a fish once, but what’s there looks like a bunch of animal parts sewn together. it smells terrible)

Kuja: “Ugh! That offends my prettiness!”

Nida: “That’s not a fish!”

Hojo: “Of course it is.”

Scarlet: “What the hell kind of fish is that??”

Hojo: “Uh…a…Virginian Tomb Fish.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Fakey!”

Stinky: *tries to eat it*

Hojo: “No! Keep away from it!” *holds it protectively* “You’re all jealous! Just wait until I win!”

Nida: “You’re not going to win without a real fish!”

Hojo: “It *is* a real fish!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! You put the licky licky tongue on it!!”

Hojo: “Silence! Now let us be off!” *stalks out*

Mindy: “….Did he bring those animals parts here with him?”

Kuja: “The scary part is yes.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, at the park…)

Reno: “I can’t believe you still won’t go on the roller coasters, man! They’re not scary!”

Irvine: “Yo, back off man. Can you ride a horse?”

Reno: “What has that got to do with this?”

Irvine: “….Just shut up, man.”

Lark: “You know, Sephiroth, I don’t know why you won’t go on any of the rides with Vincent.”

Sephiroth: “You don’t seem to mind going on with him.”

Lark: “Well, no. But that’s not the point.”

Sephiroth: “Oh no?” *stalks off*

Lark: “Grrrr…”

Twilight: “This is great! Not a thing that requires understanding for miles!”

Opal: “Unless you count the park map, Twilight.”

Twilight: “Aw, dammit! Well keep it away from me!”

Barret: “Yo! Cat/rat/moo can go on nothin’! He be too little!”

Cid: “$%#%^$&#%^*^#$@^%$#*&#&!”

Red: “I am doomed to a life of misery.”

Seifer: “This is great! We haven’t waited on a long line all day!”

Ashley: “…I still need a cigarette.”

Noelle: “Come on, Ashley. It could be worse! We could be…uh…at the gopher place!”

Zell: “Yo! You bashin’ the ye olde gopher?”

Noelle: “No! And get away from me, chicken wuss!”

Reeve: *fishing through his fanny pack* “Where did I put that antibacterial soap?”

Rufus: “Tseng! See if you can find something Mr. Jingles might like in one of the gift shops. I promised him I’d bring him back something.”

Tseng: “Why don’t you just do him a favor and just never come back?”

Rufus: “Hey! Don’t talk back to me! I could fire your ass!” *pause* “And that’s *it*! Don’t get any other ideas!!”

Tseng: *growls and mumbles* “….Kill me…”

Zell: “Oh!!! A ye olde ship ride!! Let’s go on that!!”

(he runs for it, and several others follow…irvine, sephiroth, tseng and reeve stay behind)

Tseng: “Good. We finally got rid of Rufus.”

Reeve: “Yeah… What was that about the shower last night?”

Tseng: *hand to his head* “Don’t remind me.”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Stupid Vincent. Has to ruin my life.”

Irvine: “I take it I’m not the only one who can’t wait to leave.”

Sephiroth and Tseng: “Yes!”

(meanwhile, the ship ride comes to a stop)

Zell: “That was some ye olde fun!!”

Ride Operator: “Please keep your head away from the lap bar.”

Zell: *looks down* “What lap bar?” *the bar comes up and smacks him in the head* “Ow! Dammit!!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, sometime later…the gang has been through the land of ireland, and they come out of a show called ‘the castle of aaron o’sullivan. they all look pretty blank)

Twilight: “That was frighteningly bad!”

Shell: “I felt bad for the kid in it!”

Sephiroth: *sarcasm* “Thanks for sitting next to me, Lark.”

Lark: “Well, you refused to sit anywhere near Vincent!”

Seifer: “All they seem to talk about around here is ‘fairy land’. What the hell is that?”

Rufus: *chuckles* “You going there anytime soon, Tseng?”

Tseng: *raises fist* “Okay, THAT’S IT!”

Reeve: *grabs his wrist* “Relax, sweetie. Take a deep breath.”

Ashley: “Why does everywhere we go have to be so damn hot? I vote that next time we go somewhere *cold*.”

Irvine: “Hey, is anyone else hungry?”

Barret: “Yo! I sho’ am!”

Cid: “$^#%&$&%$#^*#(*&@#^#!”

Noelle: “Me too, Cid.”

Lark: “Okay, let’s go there for lunch.”

Sephiroth: “Will you sit next to me there?”

Lark: “Oh, shut up.”

………………………………………………………………………………………….

(later in the restaurant…rufus looks down at his placemat)

Rufus: “Ooh!! ‘Children’s Games’!” *pokes reeve* “Give me a pen!”

Reeve: “Yes, sir.” *gives him a pen*

Rufus: *starts to work excitedly*

Shell: *sigh* “I wish they had root beer here…”

Rude: “They do, Shell.”

Shell: “I meant *real* root beer, Rude.”

Sephiroth: “Oh, look. Lark’s sitting next to me. What holiday is it?”

Lark: *hisses* “Be quiet. Don’t start.”

Sephiroth: “Why not? You don’t want to fight in front of everyone?”

Lark: *sets jaw* “……………”

Rufus: “Damn maze!” *slams pen down* “Rude!! Do this for me!!”

(silently rude nods, takes the paper and does the maze in like two seconds. he hands it back to rufus)

Rufus: *gapes at it* “How did you do that?? I kept running into the alligator!”

Rude: “I took the other path, sir.”

Rufus: “Ah, I see.”

Tseng: *mutters* “I don’t know how we stay in business…”

Rufus: “Reeve! You do the junior jumble.” *shoves it in his face*

Reeve: *sighs and takes it*

Seifer: “Don’t worry, everyone! I’ve marked off the last of the attractions that might build lines!”

Ashley: *groans*

Zell: “I’m really having fun on this vacation!”

Noelle: “How hard *did* you hit your head?”

Zell: “…Huh?”

Barret: “Yo! They don’t sell no hermit crab food on dis here menu! What’s our furby supposeta eat?”

Red: “I eat the same food you do.”

Cid: “#^ $%&#$^&#*&#*#!”

Barret: “Yo! You’s right, Cid!”

Red: “No. No he’s not.”

Vincent: *whispers to lark* “I’m not becoming a problem, am I?”

Lark: “No. Not at all. Don’t worry about it.”

Reeve: *hands rufus his jumble back* “Here you are, sir.”

Rufus: “How did you do that so fast?”

Reeve: “….The words were Cat, Dog, Horse, Roller coaster, and Busch Gardens.”

Rufus: *mutters* “They throw you by sticking that ‘C’ in bush…”

Reno: “Man, I need to get good and drunk.”

Irvine: “Me too.”

(when the food comes, everyone eats in complete silence. they don’t say a word. they all just kind of glance around at one another, looking kind of awkward. when they’re finally done, lark’s the one to finally speak up)

Lark: “How about some dessert?”

Everyone: *happily* “Yeah!!”

(so they order their desserts, and the conversation returns as they eat happily)

Ashley: “Oh man. This cake is better then sex!”

Seifer: “Hey!!” *narrows eyes* “So is mine.”

Ashley: “No it’s not.”

Seifer: *hangs head* “You’re right.”

Twilight: “This vacation is getting better and better!”

Zell: “Yeah! It’s cool even without the ye olde gopher!”

Irvine: “What the hell is with you and the gopher??”

Reeve: *is fascinated watching tseng eat a popsicle*

Tseng: *pauses* “What are you looking at, Reeve?”

Reeve: “Uh…nothing. Don’t stop.”

Tseng: “Uh…okay…” *starts again*

Sephiroth: *mumbles* “You can’t buy affection with sugar, Lark.”

Lark: “Don’t talk to me.”

Sephiroth: *glares*

Reeve: *still watching tseng intently*

Tseng: *bites off the end*

Reeve: *yelps* “Ah!!”

Tseng: *coming to a realization* “Oh!! I’m sorry!” *puts it down*

Everyone: *gives them weird looks*

Reeve: “Uh…” *sweat drop* “Tseng… I think I…uh…have something in my eye.”

(he gets up, grabs him by the wrist and drags him into the bathroom. once there, he drags him into a stall)

Reeve: “Now what? I’m going *crazy*!”

Tseng: “Finally! Okay, let’s go.”

Reeve: “Here?!?!”

Tseng: “No!! The car!”

Reeve: “Hmmm…”

(he grabs him by the wrist and drags him out again and back to the table)

Reeve: “Uh, you know, I think I left my reading glasses in the van. I’m just going to go and get them. Don’t worry about me, we’ll see you later.” *drags tseng out*

Rufus: *blink* “What does he need his glasses for?”

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, back with the losers…they’re at the contest. stinky is wearing a sunbonnet, the judges are going over the entries)

Nida: “They’re going to know that’s not a fish.”

Hojo: “Quiet, boy! I’m sure they are intelligent, like you are not!”

Nida: “Hey! My mom says I’m smart!”

Scarlet: “Your mom is weird. So’s your dad.” *mutters* “Turned me down…”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Stinky says he wants to eat your fish!”

Hojo: “I think you just want to eat it.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! That too!”

Hojo: “I’m so nervous!!”

Kuja: “That’s because you know it’s not a fish!”

Hojo: “Shut you pretty mouth and help me keep calm.”

Kuja: “I’d rather not.”

Judge One: “We have made our decision.”

Hojo: “I can’t bear to hear the results!!” *puts his hands over his ears*

Judge One: “And first prize goes to Dr. Alexander Hojo for his amazing Virginia Tomb Fish.”

Nida and Scarlet: “WHAT?!?!”

Kuja: *pokes hojo* “You won.”

Hojo: *jaw drops* “I did???” *eyes light up* “I mean of course I did!!!” *runs up to get his prize*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I smell something fishy!” *pause* “Fish!! Gya haa haa!”

Judge One: “Here is your one hundred dollar prize.”

Hojo: “…….One hundred dollars???? That’s it???” *turns red*

Kuja: “….Oh dear.”

Nida: “What did he expect? It’s some local contest.”

Scarlet: “I earn more then that a night.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! That smells fishy too!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, Heidegger!!”

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, back to the others… they’re leaving busch gardens now, no sign of reeve and tseng)

Ashley: “Well the rest of our day *sucked*, thanks *Seifer*.”

Seifer: “It’s not our fault we got lost!!”

Lark: *pouts* “And I got stung by a bee.”

Reno: “And I didn’t get to go on the beer tour!”

Irvine: “Yeah!!”

Zell: “You’re not even ye olde enough to go on that, Irvine.”

Irvine: “Hey! That’s what fake I.D’s are for!”

Vincent: “How is your finger, Lark?”

Lark: “It still hurts.”

Vincent: *takes her finger and kisses it gently* “I’m sorry.”

Lark: *stares thankfully at him*

Sephiroth: “Oh please! It was a stupid bee!!”

Rufus: “How long does it take to find glasses?”

(they reach the car, which looks calm enough)

Reno: “You think Reeve and Tseng are around here?”

Lark: “Uh…” *searches the parking lot for some kind of distraction* “Hey! Do you think that BMW over there has a car alarm on it?”

Twilight: “Five bucks says yes!”

Reno: “You’re on!”

(everyone goes over to it, except for vincent and sephiroth. lark knocks on the door before she slides the door opens and finds tseng and reeve just sitting there, looking a little sweaty)

Tseng: *pants* “Hey. Boy, it’s hot in this car.”

Reeve: “Yeah. And I couldn’t find my glasses at all.”

Sephiroth: “Now we have to ride in this thing all the way home! Thanks a lot!”

(the others come back)

Barret: “You! I tole you there’d be an alarm on it!”

Noelle: “Yeah! Quistis would be proud.”

Shell: “I hope that alarm stops soon.” *sweat drop*

Rufus: “Are we ready to go? Did you find your glasses?”

Reeve: “You know, I think I left them at the hotel.”

(everyone gets in the car. rufus sits down)

Rufus: “Hey! I sat on something!”

Lark: *reaches under to rufus to retrieve a small jar* “Uh…Tseng you forgot your *hand creme*.”

Tseng: *grabs it* “Oh, thanks, Lark! Damn dry skin.” *pockets it*

Rufus: “Hand creme?”

(and we go to the outside of the car, and as the door slams shut, we hear rufus scream.)

……………………………………………………………………………………

(back at nida’s cabin, everyone files in unhappily, except for hojo.)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m so glad they let us eat the losing fish!”

Nida: “They didn’t let you, you ass! You stole them!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Innocent mistake!”

Scarlet: “Where did Hojo go? To fling himself off a cliff?”

Kuja: “Don’t get your hopes up.”

(they all sit down on the living room couches, silently, listening to the clock tick.)

Scarlet: “So…”

Nida: “So.”

Scarlet: “….Nice couch.”

Nida: “Thanks.”

Scarlet: “Your mom pick it out?”

Nida: “Yeah.”

Scarlet: “Mmn hm.”

(then hojo bursts in, a bag in hand)

Kuja: “Where have you been?”

Hojo: “I have been thinking.”

Nida: “Please don’t poison me again!!”

Hojo: “No. Not about that. I’m thinking about….how I feel bad.”

Scarlet: “For what?”

Hojo: “For stealing the pathetic prize money from those who probably earned it.”

Scarlet: “You feel bad for that, but you don’t feel bad for molesting young children?”

Hojo: “Pardon? Anyway, I decided I might as well use my money for a positive purpose, so…”

(he places a box on the table which is revealed to be a professional tiddly winks set)

Hojo: “I went out and purchased the most expensive tiddly winks set I could find. The tiddly winks themselves are finished in a toxic paint, so if Heidegger eats them, he’ll die.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Dammit!”

Scarlet: *impressed* “Plus…” *looks at hojo* “….Thanks.”

Hojo: *haltingly* “You’re…welcome.”

(he sits down and slips an arm around kuja. across from them sit heidegger, scarlet and nida. nida starts to take out the game)

Kuja: “You know… I actually had fun this trip.”

Scarlet: “….I hate to admit it, but I did too.”

Heidegger: “Me too! Gya haa haa! And I met a friend!”

Stinky: *pops up from behind him and snorts*

Nida: “I had a blast! You know, sometimes I don’t hate you guys quite so much.” *grins* “Now who wants to play some tiddly winks?”

……………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, the car pulls back into the hotel…and as the door opens it’s apparent world war three has broken out inside…)

Rufus: *gets out very quickly* “Don’t try to talk to me! I can’t even look at you!”

Tseng: *following* “Can I help it you’re the biggest jackass in the world?? You make me sick!”

Rufus: “Well you make *me* sick!”

Tseng: “Why? Because I’m happy and all you have is a teddy bear?”

Rufus: “I don’t have to tolerate you!” *storms off*

Tseng: “Same here!” *stalks off in the opposite direction.”

Reeve: “Wait, Tseng!!” *runs after him*

Shell: “Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t like carrying the root beer, Rude? You should like it!!”

Rude: “…It hurt my arms, Shell.”

Shell: “No it didn’t, Rude.”

Rude: “Yes it did!”

Shell: *gasp* “Don’t talk back to me, Rude!!” *glares and stalks off*

Rude: “…Shell…”

Irvine: “Geez, Reno! She’s not yours! Get over it!”

Reno: “It was just a comment, Irvine! God! Don’t flip out over it!!”

Irvine: “What the hell do you want me to say? ‘I should have gotten to room with Noelle instead of you’. Like I’m not worthy or something?? You really are a jerk!”

Reno: “This is stupid! You know, sometimes you really are nothing more then a stupid kid!”

Irvine: “F*** you!” *storms off*

Reno: *glares and goes off*

Noelle: “…This trip sucked.” *goes off*

Seifer: “Stop yelling at me, Ashley! You’re acting like I did the worst thing in the world by getting us lost!”

Ashley: “You’re a chauvinistic pig, Seifer! You should have asked for directions!”

Seifer: “I don’t have to listen to a stupid girl like you!!”

Ashley: *gasps and slaps him before storming off*

Seifer: *glares after her* “Damn bitch…”

Zell: “That was low, man.”

Seifer: “Shove it, jackass!” *hits zell really really hard on the head and walks off angrily*

Zell: *holds his head with tears in his eyes* “This is the ye olde worst vacation ever!” *runs off in tears*

Red: “I said STOP CALLING ME NAMES!!”

Barret: “Yo! You can’t talk back to us like ‘at!”

Cid: “#$^ #$^#$^#$&#$*^ #$^$#@^@@!”

Red: “LEAVE ME ALONE! I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU! ‘Jackass’ is the last straw!!”

Barret: “Yo! Seems to describe you pretty good now!!”

Red: *storms off*

Barret: “Yo! That there thing is dangerous! We should turn it in!”

Cid: “$ #^#&#$&#& #@^@#^@!” *they storm off*

Twilight: “You people are all freaks!!!” *goes off*

Opal: “Twilight!!” *follows*

(finally lark, sephiroth and vincent emerge from the van. Lark looks surprisingly calm)

Vincent: *gently* “…Lark?”

Lark: *burst out crying* “This is all my fault!!”

Vincent: *holds her* “Oh, Lark. It is not.”

Lark: “Rufus started up, and then everyone else just got all angry and went off on each other!! It’s horrible! This vacation tore everyone apart, and it’s all my fault!!”

Vincent: “You did not make them fight, Lark. You tried to do something good.” *strokes her hair*

Sephiroth: *clenches fist* “That’s IT!!! Me and Lark have to talk!”

(he grabs her by the *hair* and drags her behind the car)

Lark: “Ow!! What the hell was that about? Can’t you see I’m *upset* right now?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, join the f***ing club! I’m sick with you and Vincent! All I hear out of you is ‘Vincent this’ and ‘Vincent that’. You do more stuff with him then you do with me!”

Lark: “Because you treat him like crap, Sephiroth! He did *nothing* to deserve that! You’ve been a huge jerk to everyone! Get over the damn fact that you had a bad childhood. You have people that love you now. I don’t want to leave Vincent out.”

Sephiroth: *eyes narrow* “Oh, you don’t want to leave him out? Fine. Go out with him then. We’re through.” *he turns and stalks off*

Lark: *jaw drops* “What???”

(but he’s gone. lark just stands there for a minute, looking shocked and a little hurt. after a minute she just clenches her jaw and shakes her head)

Lark: “Fine. I don’t even care. We should have never went out in the first place.”

(vincent comes around the back of the car and looks at her cautiously)

Vincent: “…Lark? Are you all right?”

Lark: “We broke up.”

Vincent: “What?”

Lark: “Sephiroth broke up with me. He said if I was going to put you before him that I should go out with you.” *clenches fist* “He doesn’t understand what a jerk he is.”

Vincent: “Fine then.”

Lark: *looks at him* “Huh?”

Vincent: “If he wants neither of us, then we might as well have each other.”

Lark: “You– Vincent… You sure?”

Vincent: “Yes.” *pause* “I care for you very much, Lark, and I…” *pauses and puts a hand to his chest* “I… I’m so lonely.”

Lark: *sighs* “Oh, Vincent.” *goes over to him and embraces him tightly* “It’s done then. Forget Sephiroth. It’s you and I now.”

Vincent: “Perhaps we can learn from his mistake and learn to forget the past.” *closes eyes tight*

Lark: *shuts eyes tightly as well* “Perhaps.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(the next morning, after driving all those hours in near silence, the group gets out of the car. they silently unpack their luggage. shell and rude are not talking. neither are Ashley and seifer. rufus and tseng are at odds. barret and cid are avoiding red. reno and irvine refuse to even look at each other. sephiroth is keeping his distance from everyone. lark and vincent are holding hands. without a word being spoken, they take their luggage and go inside. off to the side we see zidane and vivi watching silently as the last of the vacation group goes inside. after they do, vivi turns to zidane, and scratches his head. zidane scratches his head too)

Zidane: “Geez…glad I didn’t go.”

THE END

and very far from being so

to be continued….

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