#95 – Ye Crappiest Vacation Ever! (part two)

Barret: “Yo! Dat what I be sayin’, Yo!” *dramatic pause as he turns around* “….Dis here war still be goin’ on!”

Originally Published: 7/21/01 . 28 pages

Synopsis
No one is having much fun in Williamsburg. Most of the gang is so bored they take up smoking! Was this just a huge mistake? Meanwhile, at the cabin, Heidegger finds a friend!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

There were some people not too thrilled with the smoking in this ramble, but it was part of the story! I don’t actually endorse smoking at all. Anyway, more stuff based on reality here. Carter’s Grove is a real place near Williamsburg that is super boring and full of everything mentioned in this ramble. It was so boring I legit got super excited over a gopher. And the benches in the museum were also a haven for me. And Reeve addressing one of the reanactor’s as Captain…my dad may or may not have actually done that. Two of my favorite things from this one are Barret and Cid really believing that the Revolutionary War is still going on (they’re not quarterin’ any British in their ramble room!) and also Twilight’s totally unauthorized tour, where he claims a bunch of extremely untrue facts and runs into his nemesis, the spelling kid.

 

(it’s early morning, and we open in reeve and tseng’s room. rufus is asleep taking up the whole bed, and tightly holding mr. jingles. we hear a light but distinct moaning coming from reeve’s side of the room. this wakes rufus, who stirs slowly at first, until he makes out the sound and sits up like he’s been shot out of a cannon)

Rufus: “You hentais!! Didn’t I make myself clear the first hundred times?”

Tseng: *peeks up from his spot on the other side of the room looking groggy* “Huh? What’s going on?”

Reeve: *sits up rubbing his back* “I rolled over on your shoe, Rufus. It hurt. Relax yourself.”

Rufus: “Is my shoe okay?”

Tseng: “Throw it at his head so he can make sure himself.” *plops back down*

Reeve: *checks the time* “Hey! It’s 6 a.m! We should be getting up now. We want to get in every possible second we can at Colonial Williamsburg!” *he jumps up clutching his pamphlet* “And we’re even going to go to Carter’s Grove! They have a plantation there, and an old town that disappeared for unknown reasons!”

Rufus: *blinks* “Yeah… Reeve… This may be the most exciting thing that ever happened in your drab little life, but I’m tired.” *lays back down*

Reeve: *pouts* “Fine.” *brightens a little* “Tseng will wake up.”

(he goes over to tseng, who’s laying all cuddled up on the floor)

Reeve: “Tseng–it’s time to get up.”

Rufus: *eyes closed* “Don’t touch him.”

Reeve: *sighs and pokes tseng gently with his foot* “Tseng, come on, we have to get there when it opens. And don’t forget to put film in the camera.”

Tseng: *sighs* “Sweetie…do you mind if I kill Rufus while I’m at it?”

Reeve: “No, darling. Be my guest.”

Rufus: *sits up and throws a pillow at reeve* “No affectionate names either!!!”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile, in the cabin where the losers are staying, nida wakes up from where he’s staying on the top bunk)

Nida: *yawns and stretches* “Wow! Look at that shining sun! It’s gonna be a great day!”

(he gets out of bed and steps onto the floor, where he then picks up a pillow and whacks a sleeping scarlet over the head with it. )

Nida: “Wake up, Scarlet! It’s morning!”

Scarlet: *mumbles into her pillow* “Die, jackass.”

Nida: “I’m going to wake up the others and see what they want to do today.”

Scarlet: “Kill yourself while you’re at it.”

(he happily goes out into the hallway where he encounters heidegger in his pj’s, accompanied by that skunk again, *also* wearing pajamas)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Good morning star shine!”

Nida: *grimaces at the skunk* “What the hell is that?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Stinky has pajama’s just like me!”

Stinky: *snort*

Nida: “Where the hell did you get them?”

(heidegger turns around, showing off the cut out of a shirt and pants on his pajamas, revealing his disgustingly hairy back. nida recoils into the wall in disgust)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Designer fashion!”

Nida: “Ugh!! Keep away from me!”

(he continues down to kuja and hojo’s room and knocks on the door.)

Nida: “Get up, you guys! We’re gonna do stuff today!”

(nothing happens)

Nida: *frowns and knocks harder* “Come on, you guys!!” *whines* “Get u~up!”

(still nothing)

Nida: *angered* “That’s it! I’m going to wake you up myself!”

(he opens the door and peeks inside, his eyes widening as wide as they can before he turns and runs, slamming the door behind him)

Nida: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(cut to inside the room where hojo is picking out his ear hair)

Hojo: “Kuja? Are you done brushing your *teeth* yet?”

Kuja: *around the toothbrush in his mouth*  “I’m not even close.”

(an hour later, the losers assemble in the living room, where mindy sits in her pajamas watching pokemon *again*)

Mindy: “Oh no! Not a Tracy episode!” *throws something at the tv* “That pink headband is gayer then James!”

Nida: “Scarlet, did you take your medications yet?”

Scarlet: “Yeah, I just finished.”

Nida: “…You were in the bathroom for an hour.”

Scarlet: “Yeah, so?”

Kuja: “Good morning all.”

Nida: “Did you sleep well?”

Hojo: “I sure did.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Stinky slept with me!”

Everyone: *shudders*

Hojo: “So, Nida, what will we be doing today? Fishing and boating and swimming and so on and so forth? I believe Kuja just bought a new bathing suit.”

Kuja: “You bought it for me.”

Hojo: “And you’ll look ravishing in it, my dear.”

Kuja: “It’s see through.”

Hojo: “And as I said–“

Nida: “Ew! Okay! The lake is probably really cold, but you can go swimming in it if you really want. There’s a fishing contest tomorrow! Whoever brings the biggest fish they caught gets a huge reward!”

Scarlet: “And what kind of reward would that be?”

Kuja: “Diamonds?”

Hojo: “Money?”

Heidegger: “Pornography? Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “No, you weirdo! It’s money of course!”

Hojo: *drums fingers together* “Exxxxxxxxxxcellent. I am capable of catching some extraordinary fish. Something as easy as that should come simply to a genius like me.”

Kuja: *rolls eyes* “And yet I’m still bored with him.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! When’s breakfast?”

Stinky: *snort*

Heidegger: “Stinky wants roots and berries! That sounds good! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “Nida, it’s your house. Can’t you banish him?”

Nida: “No. My mommy would get mad at me.”

Scarlet: “Yeah, about that… Are your parents happily married, or…is your father looking into some other options?”

Nida: *blinks* “Huh?”

Mindy: “Stupid Tracy! Get rid of the headband!” *throws something at the tv*

Hojo: “After breakfast I will catch the largest fish ever known to man!”

Scarlet: *mutters* “…Sounds like he’s trying to compensate for something.”

Kuja: “You better believe it, girl.”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile, back at the hotel, our happy–or not so–group has gathered by the van. everyone either looks annoyed or just plain unhappy, except for shell and reeve, who are happily pouring over some brochures. Ashley is smoking.)

Noelle: “Ashley–you don’t smoke.”

Ashley: “I do now.”

Reno: “Can I bum one off you?”

Seifer: “Me too.”

Irvine: “While you’re at it…”

Tseng: “Hell, I’m a couple hours away from wanting one myself.”

Barret: “Yo! Cid smokes all da time and look how good he come out!”

Cid: “#@$%#%^#$&%&@&@%%^!” *cough*

Red: *rolls eyes* “As lovely as a sewer rat.”

Tseng: *backs off* “Uh… I’ll pass.”

Reeve: *nudges him* “Ooh! Tseng! Lookit!” *points at brochure* “They let you go in the silversmith shop!! How great is that?? You put film in the camera, right?”

Tseng: *sigh* “Yes, Reeve.”

Rufus: *shaking lark* “Lark!! You gotta get me in another room! I don’t know how much longer I can fend Tseng off!”

Lark: “Rufus? What are you talking about? And no switching rooms.” *waves smoke out of her face* “And why is everyone smoking?”

Twilight: *whines* “It’s hot here… Let’s go on vacation somewhere colder.”

Opal: “I warned you not to wear black, Twilight.”

Shell: “Stop complaining, Twilight. Come on, you guys!! Let’s go!!!

Reeve: “We’re touring the Governor’s Mansion first thing!”

Shell: “Hell yes!”

(they high five and run into the van)

Lark and Seifer: *blink* “They’re the Historical Nazis.”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(later, at williamsburg…the gang has just arrived.)

Reeve: “This is exciting!” *grabs tseng’s arm* “Ooh! Take my picture by that bench!” *runs for it*

Tseng: *sighs* “Yes, Reeve…” *follows*

Shell: “I hope you brought your credit card, Rude.”

Rude: “Five of them, Shell.”

Shell: “Good job, Rude. You’re finally learning.”

Rude: “Slowly but surely, Shell.”

Zell: “Hey!! Look at that!” *points to a sign that says ‘ye olde tyme shoppe* “Ye Olde Time-mee Shop-ee? What’s that?”

Seifer: “That’s Ye Old Time *Shop*, you moron.”

Zell: *flips out* “Is not! You read like Ye olde Twilight, Seifer!”

Twilight: “Hey! That’s a compliment! And I’m not ‘ye olde’ anything!”

Opal: “I think you should pay close attention today, Twilight. You could use some education.”

Twilight: *whines* “Oh, but Opal! I’ve avoided it my whole life! Why start now?”

Ashley: “Who wants another cigarette?”

Reno, Irvine and Seifer: *eagerly* “Me!!”

Noelle: “You know, I never noticed it before, but without any sex or alcohol, Irvine’s really boring.”

Ashley: “You learned that last year with Reno, remember?”

Noelle: “Yeah, but Reno’s just a jerk.”

Sephiroth: “So, *Lark* did you and Vincent have a nice chat about me last night?”

Lark: “We weren’t *talking* about you, Sephiroth. And would you let it go? We’re still friends, even if you’re not.”

Sephiroth: *grumbles unhappily*

Vincent: *sigh* “I have a bad feeling about this vacation.”

Reeve: “Oh my god, Tseng!! Take my picture over there!!” *runs past vincent*

Tseng: *camera in hand, walks unhappily past vincent and says dryly* “Yeah, me too.”

 

………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile, back at the ranch…er, cabin, hojo is unrolling a…uh…roll of fishing line. besides him is a large bait box and a fishing pole. kuja stands nearby, holding a short pink robe protectively around himself as he watches hojo warily)

Kuja: “Dare I ask what you have brought to catch fish with?”

Hojo: “Why my own creations, of course!” *he goes into the box and takes out a strange little creature* “Just look at this!”

Kuja: “I’d rather not.”

Hojo: “I have scientific research to back this up. If you want to catch little boys, you give them candy. If you want to catch fish, you give them something new and exciting and packed with poison!”

Kuja: “No wonder you can never get any government funding.”

Hojo: *puts the thing on the end of the hook* “Now come on, Kuja. Take that robe off, and lounge in the sun! It’s a beautiful day, with the sun and the clouds and the breeze and so on and so forth!”

Kuja: “I might as well be *nude*.”

Hojo: “That would be acceptable as well.”

Kuja: “I like my robe just fine, thank you.”

Hojo: “You’ll change your mind.”

Kuja: “I doubt it.”

(hojo casts out the line and laughs maniacally)

Hojo: “Hehehehehe! I will catch the best and biggest fish! I shall then proceed to use my money to buy all kinds of things for my experiments!”

Kuja: “Candy?”

Hojo: *mumbles* “Yes, well, that’s a side project.”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile, back at williamsburg…)

Zell: *points* “Look! Ye olde tree!”

Seifer: “Stop saying that!!”

Reno: “Don’t you think it’s weird that like all these buildings burned down at one point or another?”

Irvine: “Yeah. Weird man.”

(he and reno look at one another, then at the cigarettes they’re holding. then they both drop them and step on them)

Reeve: “Wow! I didn’t think they could fit that many people in the Raleigh Tavern!”

Rufus: *shudders* “They made you sleep with guys?? What kind of weird place was this? Tseng! Did you have anything to do with this?”

Tseng: *rolls eyes and says dryly* “Yes, Rufus. Yes I did.”

Rufus: *gasp* “I knew it!”

Reeve: “Ooh! Tseng! Take my picture with that British Captain over there!” *runs* “Oh, Captain!”

Tseng: *trudges after* “….God help me…”

Zell: “Look! Ye olde church and ye old graveyard!! Ooh!” *points* “And over there! Ye olde fire hydrant!”

Seifer: “Shut *up*, chicken wuss! That’s really ass lancing!”

Ashley: “Need another cigarette, Seifer?”

Seifer: “Please!”

Lark: “I don’t like how everyone keeps lighting up…”

Vincent: “It is distressing.”

Sephiroth: “Maybe it’s because this vacation sucks.”

Lark: “Hey! You stuck up for me before!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, well that was before.” *he stalks ahead*

Lark: “What the hell…??” *annoyed sigh* “You know, I’m really at the end of my rope! I don’t know what to do with him!”

Vincent: “I’m afraid I cannot help you.”

(barret spots something taped to a tavern door and he stops)

Barret: “Yo, Cid! Get a load ‘a dis!”

(cid comes over and they both read it. red watches them)

Cid: “#$%#$^#^#**##%#&!!”

Barret: “Yo! Dat what I be sayin’, Yo!” *dramatic pause as he turns around* “….Dis here war still be goin’ on!”

Red: *paw to his head* “Oh gracious.”

Cid: “$%#%&%*^%*$&#$^$*$^%#*#$&%^&&&#$&%^*$$&*$*$*&!”

Barret: “Yo! You said it, yo! We’s gotta take up arms and fight! Ain’t no way quaterin’ no British in my ramble room!”

Cid: “$%#^$%#*$*#%^%#&@&$^*%!”

Barret: “Time ta kick some lobsterback ass!”

(he and cid run off in the opposite direction.)

Red: “… … …They’re gone.”

(shrugs and runs after the others)

 

………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(not so long after…)

Lark: “Hey…has anyone seen Barret and Cid?”

Everyone: *shrugs*

Red: “Perhaps they have gone back to the hotel?” *suppresses a smile*

Reno: “I don’t think anyone would do that willingly.”

Zell: “Maybe they wanted to go in the ye olde pool!”

Seifer: “Only if they wanted to die. And STOP THAT!”

Reeve: “Omg, the old capitol!! Tseng, take my picture!!” *runs off*

Tseng: *trudges after him* “….I’m on the third roll of film.”

Rufus: “He’s been rattling off historical crap for hours!”

Rude: *juggling many many bottles of root beer* “I think you have enough, Shell.”

Shell: “That’s the best root beer in the world, Rude. I can never have enough of it! And as long as the money holds out, I’m gonna keep buying it!”

Rude: “You won’t ever let the money run out, Shell.”

Shell: “I think I’ve made my point, Rude.”

Noelle: “At least we have this handy cane.” *walks*

Shell: “Hey! That’s a *walking stick*! Not a cane!”

Noelle: “Says you! Shut up!”

Opal: “Not to alarm anyone…but has anyone seen Twilight?”

Vincent: “….I knew it had gotten rather quiet around here.”

Sephiroth: “Oh great. There goes my last friend. I should have run too.”

Lark: “Oh, shut up.”

Zell: “Ooh! Let’s go in ye olde silversmith shop!”

Seifer: “You say that again and I’m gonna slap you upside the ye olde head!”

Reeve: “Yeah! The silversmith shop! You know they make everything in there by hand? They use pumice to get the shine.”

Rufus: “Yeah… Go bore someone else with that.”

Reeve: *pouts* “Tseng cares. Right, Tseng?”

Tseng: *sigh* “Yes, of course I do, Reeve.”

(so they all get into the silversmith shop and observe for awhile. zell is looking at the stuff in the case)

Zell: “Hey…this ye olde fork only has three prongs.” *turns to reeve* “Why’s that?”

Reeve: “It’s just the way they used to make them.”

Opal: “I wonder where Twilight has gone…”

Noelle: “I wish Cid and Barret were around. They’re cool.”

Reno: “I can be whatever you want me to be, baby.” *grin*

Noelle: *grips walking stick* “Don’t touch me, or I’ll put this to even *better* use!”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile, not too far away, twilight is standing before a group of tourists, speaking to them)

Twilight: “This building is called the Twilight House. It was built in 1245 and it was where the cult of Twilight worshipped their almighty leader Twilight.”

Tourist one: “But…America wasn’t even settled until the 1600’s.”

Twilight: “Yeah, by the slow people! The Twilight people were here first because they rock! Any questions? I know anything!” *someone raises their hand* “Yeah?”

Tourist two: “It says on the side of the house that this is the George Wythe house.”

Twilight: “It’s a misprint. Anything else?”

Tourist three: “Yeah, what do you know about our founding fathers?”

Twilight: “In 3456, John Jacob Jingleheimer Smit, Peter the Great, Henry the VIIIth and Cleopatra had a big conference in New York City, California, and formed our great nation that we call the United States of Canada. Any other questions?”

Tourist four: “Uh… Are you some sort of comedy act?”

Twilight: “What comedy act? Now do you people wanna learn or don’t ya?”

Tourist five: “Did Thomas Jefferson live around here?”

Twilight: “Does it matter? He never did anything.”

Tourist six: “….Do you know who Thomas Jefferson was?”

Twilight: “Sure I do. He was that guy with the cats. Anything else?”

Tourist seven: “Who was the first President of the United States?”

Twilight: *pause* “Washington! I actually knew that!”

Child: “Spell it!” *laughs*

Twilight: “CAN IT! So, as I was saying, in 1432, Michelangelo and the rest of the Ninja Turtles crossed the ocean and came here, to…this place.”

Child: “I love the Ninja Turtles, Mr. Stick man!”

Twilight: “Hey!” *eyes narrow* “Don’t I know you?”

Child: “I know the alphabet backwards! Wanna hear? Z, Y–“

Twilight: “No! Shut up! I remember you! You’re that kid from Sephirothland!”

Mother: *laughs* “You’re just as funny as you always were.”

Twilight: “Your kid’s pissin’ me off, lady.” *hand twitches at lightsaber*

Mother: “Can you hurry this tour up, please? I have shops to do.”

(a guy with a name tag that says ‘shops’ walks by, and the mother smiles at him)

Child: “Is he my daddy, mom?”

Mother: “Cross your fingers that mommy’s miracle bra works as good as it’s supposed to, honey.”

Twilight: “Uh… The tour’s over now…I…uh…gotta…” *points and yells* “Look at that!”

(while everyone looks, he high tails it out of there. everyone turns around to see barret and cid walking by with their toy guns)

Barret: “Yo! If we gonna beat these here British we gotta be blendin’ in!”

Cid: “#$^%$#^^$^*#**&%$#&#*#*#!”

Barret: “Damn straight, yo! We ain’t gonna be havin’ no problem wit’ ‘at!”

 

………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, a little while later)

Zell: “Hey, Ye olde Mr. British person! Why does ye olde fork have three prongs?”

Seifer: “Shut up, chicken wuss! Stop asking everyone that!”

Ashley: “Another cigarette?”

Seifer: “*Please*.”

Reeve: “Ooh!! The George Wythe house!! Tseng take a–“

Tseng: *dryly* “Picture, I know. Coming, Reeve.”

Rufus: “Ha ha! What do you see in him now?”

Tseng: *glares at him* “Don’t start with me.” *follows reeve*

Rufus: *mutters* “What’s up his ass?” *pauses as his eyes widen* “Eep!”

Rude: “Would you like to drink some of this root beer, Shell?”

Shell: “No, Rude! We have a save it for special occasions! Like when Express has a sale.”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Reeve: “Hurry up, everyone! They’re starting the tour!”

Noelle: “I’m worried about Barret and Cid…”

Red: “I do not share your concern.”

Noelle: “Shut up, rat-moose!”

Red: *sigh* “There is no escaping it.”

(everyone keeps walking into the tour, but the tour guide stops Ashley, seifer, irvine and reno, who are *still* smoking)

Tour Guide: “You can’t smoke in here. You’ll have to put it out.”

Ashley: “Eh, it’s not worth it.” *calls* “We’ll meet you guys outside!”

(the tour guide goes inside, and the group stands around, saying nothing as they just kinda look at one another.)

Reno: “….I vote I get to pick where we go next vacation.”

Irvine: “I’ll second that.”

(then barret and cid run up, out of breath and holding onto their guns)

Barret: “Yo! What you be standin’ around for!?”

Cid: “#$%@#^$#&#(!”

Ashley: “Huh?”

Barret: “There be a war goin’ on! Me n’ Cid are gonna join on up!”

Cid: “$#%#@^ #$&#*& @#^^!”

Seifer: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Barret: “The war against them British! We ain’t payin no damn tea tax!”

Cid: “$^#!”

Reno: “Uh… Have you guys been smoking something?”

Barret: “Yo! What you be implying?”

Reno: “No, really, have you? Because I really could use something.”

Ashley: “Reno!! Barret, there’s no more war! They try to make you think there is one so you really feel like you’re in Colonial Times! The revolutionary war ended over two hundred years ago!”

Barret: *blinks and looks at cid*

Cid: *blinks and looks at barret*

Barret: “….Damn, girl! We know dat! We was just trippin’ ya!”

Cid: “#$^#%&^!”

Ashley: “Yeah. That’s what you were doing.”

Irvine: “Hey, ya know–irony here–but I don’t think Lark’s having much fun on her own vacation.”

Reno: “I’m just waiting for her to bitch slap Sephiroth. Hell, don’t be surprised if I do it myself.”

Seifer: “Is anyone having fun on this vacation?”

(then the tour group emerges, reeve gushing happily)

Reeve: “Wow! Did you see that authentic leather wallpaper? Wasn’t it incredible!? Do you know how rare it is to find any left intact?”

Shell: “Yeah! That was amazing!”

Sephiroth: “I thought it was boring.”

Lark: “Oh, shut the hell up!”

Everyone: *looks uncomfortable*

Lark: “…. ….. …You know what? Let’s go to Carter’s Grove now.”

Reeve: “Yeah! Let’s go! It’s going to be so much fun! Don’t forget to put more film in the camera, Tseng!”

Tseng: *sigh* “Consider it done.”

Zell: *fist in the air* “Yeah! Time for a ye olde new place!”

Seifer: *smacks him* “Shut your ye olde trap, chicken wuss!”

Barret: “Hey, yo, cat/rat/moo/toy! You ain’t been carted off to market yet?”

Red: *paw to his head* “I knew it was too good to be true for long.”

Noelle: “Barret! Cid!! I knew you’d come back!” *runs to them holding the walking stick* “Look what I got!”

Barret: “Damn, girl! Dat thing be perfect for prodding dat there sheep!”

Red: “Perhaps the heat will drain me of life.”

Shell: “Make sure you get more root beer before we go, Rude. They don’t sell it there.”

Rude: *sighs as he struggles along* “Yes, Shell.”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile, back at nida’s cabin, nida’s mom, his dad, mindy, nida himself and scarlet are sitting around the living room table playing the game of life. they all look very happy. except mindy. and scarlet)

Nida’s Dad: “That’s the marriage square, son! What’s your wife’s name?”

Nida: *placing in the pink peg* “Uh…” *shifty eyes* “Scarletta.”

Scarlet: *grimaces* “At least try to cover it up better than that!”

Mindy: “This game is boring.”

Nida’s Mom: “Come on, honey. We just started playing it! Nida’s having fun!”

Nida: “Yay! I married Scarletta!”

Scarlet: *head in hands*

Mindy: “Whatever.” *spins and moves her piece* “Ooh. Yeah. I get a life tile for not doing drugs.”

Scarlet: “Can you still get the life tile even if you really have?”

Mindy: “Huh?”

Scarlet: “Never mind.” *spins and moves* “Oh, the job space.” *she gets her three cards and studies them* “Let’s see… Police Officer? No, that would be too easy… Teacher? No, that would be too easy too… Accountant? What the hell am I, Reeve?” *sigh* “This game is too hard.”

Nida: “Just pick one and move it, skank!”

Scarlet: *slams down her card of choice* “Fine! I pick the Police Officer card! And you better hope you don’t spin a ten cause otherwise I’ll kick your sorry ass!”

Mindy: “I told you this game sucks.”

Nida’s Mom: “Now, Mindy. It’s a proven fact that in families who sit around and play games together, the children have higher self esteem.”

Nida: “I rock!”

Nida’s Father: *proudly* “That you do, son.”

Mindy and Scarlet: *give one another pained looks*

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, the group has reached carter’s grove. the first place they head is this old abandoned town they dug up a few years ago. they’re not sure why it was abandoned, but they think that native americans might have attacked and killed the settlers or something. anyway, from the remains they have constructed the outlines of houses and buildings with wooden sticks. near these house outlines are barrels, where you press the button and then it drones on about something or another. i am *not* making this up. anyway, our group has apparently been there awhile when we join them, all looking drained of life. even shell has lost her chipper edge. the only who looks happy? you guessed it. reeve is having a jolly good time)

Reeve: *walking through the middle of one of the house outlines* “Look how small their houses were!! Take my picture in the house, Tseng!”

Tseng: *sigh* “Yes, Reeve.”

Rufus: “Why is there no one else around?? I feel so isolated.”

(he looks around to see everyone else crowded standing away from him)

Rufus: “Hey! Come back!” *chases*

Reno: “This sucks worse then that other place.”

Ashley: “And at least there we had cigarettes.” *holds pack upside down unhappily*

Seifer: “Maybe if we lick the carton, it’ll taste just like it!”

Ashley: *throws it at him* “Ew! Be my guest!”

(lark is talking to vincent while sephiroth stands a little ways away and glares at them)

Lark: “Vincent, I seriously don’t know what to do with him anymore! And look! He’s creeping me out by staring at us now.”

Vincent: “I have never seen him act this way.”

Shell: “Even I’m bored here, Rude. Too bad we didn’t bring the root beer.”

Rude: “I’m glad we didn’t, Shell.”

Shell: “What’s that, Rude?”

Rude: “I…uh…said…too bad we didn’t, Shell.”

Shell: “That’s what I said, Rude.”

Rude: “I know, Shell. I know.”

Noelle: *prodding red along with the walking stick while barret and cid laugh* “Come on, cat/rat/moo! Into the stick house!”

Red: *sigh* “If I run off into the woods, they can never find me again…”

Zell: “They might as well call this place Ye Olde Decrepit Town.”

Seifer: “You’re ye olde decrepit town!”

Zell: *flips out* “I am ye olde not!”

Reeve: “Ooh! Let’s see what this barrel says!” *presses the button*

Barrel: “This structure was probably used as a stable for horses.”

Reeve: “Wow! Cool!”

Twilight: “I don’t like it that something not alive speaks better english then I do.”

Opal: “Oh, Twilight. Aren’t you learning anything today?”

Twilight: “Yeah! I’m learning that learning makes me bored!”

Irvine: *suddenly brightens and points* “Hey! What’s that over there?”

(everyone looks to see a small gopher in the distance)

Zell: “Wow! Ye olde gopher!”

Seifer: “Cool!”

Ashley: “Well, this makes my afternoon.”

Barret: “Yo! It look just like you, gopherrat!”

Red: “No it does not.”

Tseng: “Oh no! It’s running away!”

Rufus: “NO!!!!”

(but the little animal scampers off, leaving everyone but reeve looking even glummer)

Ashley: “There goes my afternoon again.”

Reeve: “Why do you all look so unhappy? Aren’t you engrossed in the history surrounding you? Don’t you find it invigorating to be visiting a place where people walked the ground a hundred years before? And aren’t you captivated in the mystery of why it disappeared?”

Everyone: *blinks*

Twilight: “I’m even border now.”

Reeve: *pokes tseng* “Oh, Tseng, later you have to drive me to the store. I need to pick up some highlighters and poster board so I can make a graph about the sizes of colonial houses vs. houses of today.” *he walks off*

Tseng: *moans unhappily* “And I’m not even getting any sex for this…”

Noelle: “Why don’t we go in that museum? Even if it sucks, it’s still air conditioned.”

Everyone: “Fine by me.”

Zell: *fist in the air* “Whoo hoo! To ye olde museum!” *seifer pushes him down* “Ow! Hey…! I got dirt on my hands!”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, back at the cabin, we’re back at the pond. kuja is lounging, robe still on, in the grass, while hojo, still fishing…looks quite frustrated)

Hojo: *slams down pole* “Damned piece of confangled jargon!”

(kuja sits up, and cocks his head to one side, blinking in confusion)

Hojo: “Dammit! What is wrong with these fish that they won’t take my specially designed bait?”

Kuja: “Perhaps they have some sense.”

Hojo: “Impossible! They’re fish! They have less sense then Heidegger!”

Kuja: “Well if you can’t catch anything, I guess you won’t be entering the contest.” *yawn*

Hojo: “Oh, I’ll catch something. Now for the last time, will you take off your robe? Your nudity will attract them!”

Kuja: *lays back down* “It will attract nothing but you.”

(hojo mumbles unhappily, picking up his fishing pole again and tossing the line into the water. heidegger scampers over, stinky trotting at his side)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I ate lots of berries!”

Hojo: “Good. Maybe they were poisonous.”

Heidegger: “No! Gya haa haa! Stinky picked them out!”

Hojo: “Maybe he’s out to get you.”

Heidegger: “Stinky’s my best friend! Gya haa haa!”

Stinky: *snort*

Kuja: *sits up and looks wary* “I don’t like that thing… Can’t you get it away from me?”

(stinky comes over and starts to sniff kuja, who looks increasingly freaked out)

Heidegger: “He likes you! Gya haa haa!”

Kuja: “Well of course he does! I’m irresistible! But I don’t want him to spray me!!”

Stinky: *licks kuja*

Kuja: *screams like a girl and runs back for the house*

Hojo: *slams down pole again* “Heidegger! You see what you’ve done?? You’ve driven away my distraction!”

Heidegger: “Eye candy! Gya haa haa! Stare at me instead!”

Hojo: *shudders and mutters* “This is becoming increasingly worse…”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(back to the others, they’re in the museum now, in the first area. everyone *still* looks bored, but at least they’re cool. reeve is running from one exhibit to the next dragging tseng with him. everyone else is just sort of standing around)

Noelle: “….That gopher was cool.”

Everyone: “Yeah…”

Irvine: “Who wants to go swimming when we get back to the hotel?”

Reno: *gives him a weird look*

Irvine: “Oh yeah. I forgot.”

Lark: “Don’t worry, you guys. We’re going to Busch Gardens tomorrow. It’s a theme park.”

Seifer: “No more historical crap?”

Lark: “Yup.”

Zell: “No more ye olde talking barrels?”

Lark: “Thank goodness, no.”

Reeve: “Come on, you guys! Let’s go into the next room!” *runs off dragging tseng who looks half dead*

Rufus: *laughs* “This is kind of worth it, just to see Tseng suffer.”

(they walk into the next room, and everyone stops dead. because there, in the center is an unoccupied black padded bench that looks very comfortable. it has room for about 4 people. they all look longingly at it, before they all turn and give one another mean looks. then they all make a dash for the bench. but all the pushing and shoving to get there just ends up with everyone on the ground. reeve and tseng turn around and stare at them, looking confused)

Cid: “#^$&%$&@$*&@&@$%^$@!”

Ashley: “Ow….”

Lark: “….I think we need to go back to the hotel. And soon.”

Everyone: *groan*

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, back at the cabin, it’s much later. heidegger, stinky, scarlet, mindy, nida and kuja are in the living room. heidegger is playing dress up with stinky and mindy’s baby doll clothes. Scarlet is reading Cosmo. mindy, kuja and nida are watching celebrity deathmatch on mtv)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Pretty!” *puts a hat on stinky*

Stinky: *snort*

Nida: “Hey, you know, if I was in the ring with Squall I would so win.”

Mindy and Scarlet: “Yeah. Right.”

Nida: “Hey!! So would!!”

(just then hojo comes stomping in. he looks pretty unhappy, and is covered in some kind of green plant. everyone stops to stare at him)

Kuja: “…Caught anything?”

Hojo: “Oh, I caught something all right. You can all see it tomorrow.”

Nida: “Can we see it now?”

Hojo: “No! …I must be off to prepare it.” *stalks away*

Everyone: *watches him leave* “………………………..”

Nida: *snaps back into action* “So anyway, me vs. Squall–“

Scarlet, Mindy and Kuja: “NO!”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(back at the hotel, lark and sephiroth enter their room, along with vincent, who has his stuff…)

Lark: “There’s no reason why he can’t stay with us, Sephiroth. I mean….nothing can happen. The walls are paper thin.”

Sephiroth: *pouts* “….They are not.”

Lark: “They are too!”

(…from through the wall)

Seifer’s voice: “Damn TV!!! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!”

Ashley’s voice: “I need a smoke!”

Lark: “See?”

Sephiroth: “No.”

(…from through the wall…)

Noelle’s voice: “Where are the f***ing towels?!”

Irvine’s voice: “Wait! Let me get my camera!”

Lark: “See now?”

Sephiroth: “No.”

(…from through the wall…)

Rufus’ voice: “AHHHHH!!!! TSENG!!! GET OUT OF MY SHOWER!!!”

Tseng’s voice: “AHHHHH!!!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE REEVE!!!”

Rufus’ voice: “SURE YOU DID, CHEATER! AND *EW*!”

Lark: “See *now*?”

Sephiroth: “No.”

(…from through the wall…)

Shell’s voice: “Don’t drink any of that root beer, Rude!”

Rude’s voice: “…Why not, Shell?”

Shell’s voice: “What did you do to earn it, Rude?”

Rude’s voice: “…I bought it and carried it.”

Shell’s voice: “….Did you *really* earn it, Rude?”

Rude’s voice: *sad sigh* “No, Shell.”

Lark: “See, Sephiroth? They are all the way on the other freakin’ side of the damn hotel! These walls are paper thin!”

Sephiroth: *snaps* “Fine! See if I care! No one ever cares what I think!”

(and he storms out, slamming the door behind him)

Lark: “Argh!!!” *sits on the bed* “I can’t take this, Vincent! I can’t take this anymore! Maybe this was all just a big mistake.”

Vincent: *sits besides her* “The vacation?”

Lark: “Yeah. That too.”

To Be Continued…

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