#66 – Sephiroth Land

Turks: *sing* “Sephiroth Land, Sephiroth Land, buy cheap merchandise, yes you can. Because it’s Sephiroth, Sephiroth Land.”

Originally Published: 1/9/01 . 67 pages

Synopsis
Rufus starts his own amusement park, and he names it after Sephiroth! Everyone is given jobs there, but not everyone is having a good time. Aren’t amusement parks supposed to be fun?

Ramble Milestones
-First appearance of the licky licky monster.
-The first appearance of the “spelling kid”.
-First appearance of the “real” Cait Sith.

Despite the weird stuff with Mountain Dew and some people acting slightly out of character, this ramble is one of the classics. It gives us the infamous licky licky monster for one thing, along with Twilight’s #1 nemesis, the spelling kid. It’s also the first ramble to feature a variety of anime tributes. There is a lot of stuff to love about this ramble, like Hojo’s creepy petting zoo, Squall and Seifer’s awful show, and Vincent’s face painting. And I wish I could take credit for writing it all myself. But the fact is about 1/3 (including the theme song) was a group effort and my sister helped with roughly half of it. The licky licky monster was sadly not my creation. In fact the whole concept of this ramble was randomly born from an episode of Cowboy Bebop we were watching. They showed a crater with what looked like an amusement park in it, and we were like, “What is that? Some kind of Sephiroth amusement park? And then this ramble was born. And while this ramble is mostly an ensemble piece, there are three Rufus moments I need to mention. 1. That he keeps threatening to take away the porch swing to get his way, which makes everyone gasp in horror at the thought. 2. His greeting to the very forgettable Jake: “Hey……you.” and 3. How he gets his revenge on Zell for eating his precious sandwich all the way back in ramble #8 by gobbling up his hot dogs. Oh, and there’s the ending of course, which is still one of my all time favorites. And in case you’re wondering, aside from Gundam Wing there are tributes to 7 different animes: Perfect Blue, Fake, Fushigi Yugi, Vampire Princess Miyu, Trigun, Pokemon and Kenshin.

(Ashley, lark, sephiroth and shell are in the ramble room. shell is looking out the window–gotcha. heh heh heh. we’re so funny. anyway, they look bored, of course, cause the fun has yet to start!! shell has gotten totally bored with her new trinket from rude…)

Shell: “Hey, Ashley, you want this thing? It’s not shiny anymore, and I should get a new one soon.”

Ashley: “No thanks, I don’t want your used goods, skank.”

Lark: “Shell, how much do you think he spent on that?”

Shell: “I dunno, a couple of weeks salary. He was eating some of Reno’s crackers. It must have been a lot.”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Money grubbing women.”

(then rufus comes barging in waving some colorful flyers)

Rufus: “Hey, everyone! Look what I’ve done now!”

(everyone takes the flyers)

Sephiroth: “What the hell have you done to my name!?!?!”

Lark: “Sephiroth Land?”

Rufus: “It’s my new amusement park!!”

Shell: “Who drew this flyer? Twilight?”

Ashley: “Yeah, it really sucks.”

Rufus: “Reno did.” *frowns* “If you look really hard, you can still see the naked chicks in the back.”

Sephiroth: *squints* “Yeah, you can.”

(lark hits him)

Sephiroth: “How dare you use my good, untarnished name for your cheap amusement park, Shinra!”

Everyone: “Untarnished?”

Sephiroth: “…..Shut up.”

Rufus: “It’s gonna be bigger than Disney World! I figure that everyone loves Sephiroth except us, so they’ll pay to come spend money in something that bears his name.”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “I could sue.”

Rufus: “No you can’t. I own your lawyer.”

Sephiroth: *garden snap*

Rufus: “We have a catchy theme song! I wrote it myself!” *bellows* “TURKS! GET IN HERE AND SING IT!”

(the turks drag themselves into the room looking not too happy, as if they’ve been up practicing all night.)

Rufus: *blows kazoo* “Sing it! And on key this time, Reno!”

Reno: “How come Reeve doesn’t have to sing it?”

Rufus: “SING!!!”

Turks: *sigh and sing* “Sephiroth Land, Sephiroth Land, become one with the planet, yes you can. Because it’s Sephiroth, Sephiroth Land.”

Rufus: “NEXT VERSE!”

Turks: *sing* “Sephiroth Land, Sephiroth Land, buy cheap merchandise, yes you can. Because it’s Sephiroth, Sephiroth Land.”

Rufus: “THE BIG FINISH!”

Turks: *sing* “Sephiroth Land, Sephiroth Land, have lots of fun, ‘course you can!”

Rude: *steps forward and says* “But make sure you have fun safely, because we’re not insured for little kids or old folks.”

Reno: “Darn Tootin!”

Turks: *sing* “At Sephiroth, Sephiroth Lannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn…..”

Rufus: “Cut it! You’re starting to go flat!” *smacks reno* “You suck!”

Reno: “Ow!”

Turks: *sing* “–nd.”

Shell, Ashley, Lark and Sephiroth: *blink*

Ashley: “What the heck crap was that?!”

Sephiroth: “That was terrible! If you’re gonna make a dumbass amusement park about ME, we’re gonna do it MY way!”

Rufus: “Well you all have jobs, so now I don’t have to pay for everything. Show up tomorrow to find out your assignment. If you don’t show up, I’m sending back the porch swing.”

Lark: *gasp* “No, not that!”

Rufus: “It’ll be lots of fun! Right, Turks?”

Turks: “……”

Rufus: *snaps* “RIGHT?!”

Turks: *incoherent mumbling*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(the next morning, everyone shows up to the park, and they all look tired, except for rufus who is smiling)

Rufus: “Now that you’ve gotten your assignments, I’m going to show my appreciation by giving you all some cotton candy.”

Noelle: “At 6:30 in the morning?”

Zell: “Even I don’t want it.”

Lark: “I love cotton candy! I’ll eat it!!”

Rufus: “Are you sure, Lark, that’s a lot of cotton candy!”

Lark: “I love cotton candy!” *ditzy grin*

(so lark gets a whole bunch of cotton candy and she eats it all. then her hands are all sticky)

Lark: “My hands are sticky now.” *frowns*

Sephiroth: “What do you want me to do about it, woman?”

Lark: *grabs his hair* “Hehe!”

Sephiroth: “Get off me!!” *tries to pull away, but it’s stuck* “Dammit, woman!”

Lark: “Look, you’re stuck on me!”

Sephiroth: *grins nervously* “Uh, yeah. No… No, I’m not, woman. Shut up.”

Lark: *rips her hands off his head and has a lot of hair stuck on her hands* “Oops.”

Sephiroth: “You took 20 strands! Now I lost 33, you foolish woman! This is worse than that time with the vacuum!!”

Lark: “Ew! Someone get the hair off me!!”

Elena: *thoughtfully* “I’ll take it…”

Lark: “Yes, please! Ew!”

Rufus: “Now everyone get moving! People are going to start coming at seven!”

Seifer: “Hey, what’s this FF8 sucks land?”

Irvine: “Why are the Gundam Wing boys here?”

Shell: “And why is Twilight here?”

Rufus: *cracks lark’s whip* “Because I need more slave–er…labor. Yeah.”

Sephiroth: “Uh…Lark, how did he get your whip?”

Lark: *sweat drops* “Uh… I guess I left it there last time…”

Rude: *checks empty wallet* “How much do we get paid?”

Rufus: “You all get minimum wage, except for Ashley, who’ll get paid in sequins cause she’s Mexican.”

Ashley: “I’m not Mexican! I’m Puerto Rican, you racist bastard! I’ll sue you in court and win because I’m a minority.”

Rufus: *sweat drops* “Take it up with Reno.”

Reno: “What?”

Rufus: “Never mind, I’ll just give Reno the sequins.”

Reno: “What am I going to do with those?”

Elena: “Make me a hat!”

Reno: “I don’t think so…”

Rufus: “What are you all standing around for?! Get to work! I’m not paying you next to nothing to DO nothing, now am I?”

(everyone scurries away)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile…nearby…there is a sign that says welcome to hojo land–three of the letters are already burnt out)

Nida: “Our amusement park is gonna kick ass!”

Hojo: “It’s my amusement park! You’re just working here, you stupid boy!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa!! I am the tiddly wink master!!”

Scarlet: *reading card* “I don’t know how to read fortunes.”

Hojo: “You’re behind a closed curtain, Scarlet, do what you wish.”

Scarlet: “Hmm….”

Kuja: *pouts* “I need a mirror. I haven’t seen myself in five minutes.”

Hojo: “You may go into the hall of mirrors for awhile, my darling, but be sure to come out quickly so you can run your makeup hut!”

Kuja: *flips hair back* “Of course.” *leaves*

Hojo: *dreamy sigh* “He has such a cute butt.”

Everyone: *sweat drops*

Nida: “My movie rocks! I made it in school! In the Garden, that I drive! I’m President of the AV club! Squall’s not in it cause he sucks.” *grins* “I put lots of you in it, Scarlet.”

Scarlet: “When was this?”

Nida: “You were drunk.”

Scarlet: *mutters* “Wouldn’t be the first time I ended up in a movie after I was drunk.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! What a ‘ho! I shall keep my beloved Sir Stringy II! No one shall win it from me!!”

Scarlet and Nida: *back away* “Yeah.”

Hojo: *claps hands* “Let’s go. We have to beat that pitiful Sephiroth Land at it’s own twisted game of money, and fame and fortune and so on and so forth.”

Nida: *blinks* “Uh, yeah.”

Hojo: “Get to work!!!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile…back at Sephiroth Land…the park has opened, and people are coming in. among them are zidane, vivi and steiner…)

Zidane: *holding park map* “Wow, look at this! There’s Sephiroth Land, Downtown Midgar, FF8 Sucks Land, Gundam Wing Blows Land and Kiddie Koral.”

Steiner: “It seems to me that some of this is not favoring the area it reflects.”

Vivi: “Um, I think I’m too short to go on any rides, Zidane.”

Zidane: “Don’t worry, Vivi, I’ll sneak ya on.”

Steiner: “We haven’t been in the park for five minutes and already you’re breaking rules, Zidane.”

Zidane: “Can it, Rusty, let’s go.”

(meanwhile…)

Lark: *pulling on seph’s arm* “Let’s go on rides!”

Sephiroth: “Don’t you have work to do, woman?”

Lark: “Eh, I can do it later. Let’s go on the rides now!!”

Sephiroth: *takes out map* “Okay, what should we go on, the Summon Meteor roller coaster, or the Supernova virtual reality ride?”

Lark: “Let’s go on the roller coaster!!” *drags him towards it*

(jake shows up at the door, looking around. he spots rufus.)

Jake: “Hey, Rufus.”

Rufus: “Hey…… You.”

Jake: “It’s Jake.”

Rufus: “Riiiiiiiiiight. I knew that.”

Jake: “I heard about your amusement park. Looks like a lot of fun! Do you think I could get a job?”

Rufus: “Well, there’s not really too many jobs left…”

Jake: “Come on, man, I’ll do anything!”

Rufus: “Well, we could use a janitor….”

Jake: “Great! Just give me a broom!”

Rufus: *hands him a bucket* “Here, go clean up the vomit at the exit of the Supernova.”

Jake: “Um, okay. Where’s Katie?”

Rufus: “Uh, I think I sent her off to Gundam Wing Blows Land.”

Jake: “Thanks, buddy!!” *walks off*

(Coby and JT are just standing around)

Rufus: “Hey, what are you guys doing?! You’re supposed to be security guards!!”

Coby: “Yeah, whatever.”

Rufus: “Don’t whatever me! Start looking for trouble!”

JT: “I don’t wanna deal with trouble.”

Rufus: “Too bad, you wimps! Now go, or I’ll take away the porch swing!”

Coby and JT: *gasp* “Not that!!”

Rufus: “GET TO WORK!”

Coby and JT: “Fine…” *incoherent mumbling*

(meanwhile, back to lark and sephiroth…they’ve just gotten off the roller coaster…lark looks a little green)

Lark: *stumbles* “I don’t usually get motion sick…”

Sephiroth: “Must have been the cotton candy… Please don’t puke on me.”

(irvine walks by)

Irvine: “Howdy, ya’ll! I’m on the way to the house of fly ladies…er….saloon.”

Lark: “I think I’m gonna be sick…” *grabs irvine’s hat and pukes in it*

Irvine: “Um… Lark?” *sweat drops*

Sephiroth: “Uh, I think you should get another hat.”

Lark: *hands irvine the hat* “I feel much better now! Thanks!” *grins*

Irvine: *frowns* “Um… Yeah. Thanks… Lark…”

Lark: *points* “You have hat hair!”

Irvine: *covers his head* “I can’t face my fly ladies with hat hair like this! No one will be riding Irvine tonight if I look like this! …Maybe it’ll be a dark saloon.”

Sephiroth: “Just get another dorky hat, Cowboy geek!”

Irvine: *hands him the hat* “You want this?”

Sephiroth: “Um, I’m not that crazy. I said I want her, not parts of her.”

Lark: “What’s that?”

Sephiroth: “Nothinglet’sgo.” *starts leading her away*

Irvine: *throws hat out* “Um, ew. I need to wash my hands now… Aw, screw it.” *walks off*

(meanwhile, across the park, reeve stands under a sign that says ‘meet cait sith’ with a confident grin on his face)

Reeve: “What a beautiful morning! Everyone’s gonna be coming to see you, Cait Sith cause you’re so cuddly and friendly and lovable and I could go on and on about how great you are.”

(someone runs up, kicks cait sith and runs)

Reeve: “Hey, kid, you want his autograph? ….Kid?”

Cait Sith: “You suck, Reeve.”

Reeve: *lowering head* “I know.”

Cait Sith: “Where’s Tseng?”

Reeve: *hisses* “I told you, he’s *mine*!” *covers mouth* “Er….”

(meanwhile, our lovable president rufus is walking past the reconstructed temple of the ancients. tseng is standing outside, staring at it in wide eyed horror. a single tear springs forth from his bitter and wizened eye)

Rufus: *pats him on the back* “I see you’ve seen your job!” *squints* “You have something in your eye.”

Tseng: “How could you DO this to me?!”

Rufus: “I figure you know a lot about it. It even has the original flooring!”

Tseng: *chin trembles* “…That looks like my blood…”

Rufus: *grins* “It sure is, Tseng. Be sure to point that out on the tour.”

Tseng: *chin trembles* “That’s where I was left for dead by Cloud!” *starts crying*

Rufus: “Tour guides don’t cry! This is Sephiroth Land! You can become one with the planet! Yes you can!!”

(tseng starts sobbing as rufus skips away merrily humming the theme song…meanwhile, not to far away, rude shows up at his dunking game, wearing a bathing cap. shell stands nearby)

Shell: “What the hell is the bathing cap for? What are you trying to protect?”

Rude: *frowns* “There are strangers here. I want chicks to think I have hair.”

Shell: *snaps* “What chicks, Rude?”

Rude: *sadly* “No chicks, Shell.”

Shell: “That’s what I thought, Rude. That’s what I thought.”

(nearby, reno is at his ‘whack-a-cloud’ booth, which is just like that game where you smack moles with a hammer, except this is with cloud)

Reno: *playing* “This is kinda fun….” *misses one* “What the—” *frowns* “I won’t let you get away!” *starts jumping on it* “I’ll kill you good!!!”

(not too far away, twilight has been put at a ‘guess the age booth’. opal is right across the way in kiddie koral)

Twilight: “I’m gonna kick ass at this! Just like at everything!”

(a small child toddles over)

Twilight: “Toddle faster! I need some business, dammit!”

Child: *blinks*

Twilight: “Let me guess… You’re 90?”

Mother: *chuckles* “You’re funny.”

Child: *holds up 4 fingers* “I’m this many!”

Twilight: *scratching head* “Don’t show off!!” *pause* “Um… You’re 45?”

Mother: *laughs again* “Oh, you are funny!”

Child: *giggles*

Twilight: “Stop laughing at me, you little punk!” *draws lightsaber*

Opal: *across the way, not even looking* “Be nice, Twilight!”

Twilight: *grumbling, puts away lightsaber* “Now, kid, why don’t you tell me how old you are. I’ll give you a sticker anyway.”

Child: “Nuh-uh! I want you to guess!”

Twilight: *fuming, hand twitching at lightsaber*

Opal: *across the way* “Now, Twilight, we went over this, remember? Just guess every number you know!”

Twilight: *sighs* “Fine. Um…89?”

Child: *giggles* “No!! Come on, Mr. Stick man!”

Mother: *laughs again* “I can see why you were hired.”

Twilight: “Um…….113?”

Child: “No!”

Mother: *frowns* “Come on, it’s not funny anymore. I have other rides to do, and he really wants to meet Sephiroth.”

(a hired hand walks up with a name tag that says “Rides” and the mother smiles)

Child: “Is that my daddy?”

Mother: “I don’t know, honey. We’ll see. Cross your fingers.”

Twilight: “All right, I’m gonna get it now, cause I am the great Twilight XyXia.” *thinks* “Well, I’m twenty-one, so you gotta be younger than me… 32?”

Child: “No!”

(meanwhile…back to lark and sephiroth…)

Sephiroth: “I think Irvine’s kinda mad at you.”

Lark: “It’s not my fault I threw up! Have him sue Rufus.”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “He probably owns his lawyer too.”

(a toothless woman wearing slippers and a mu-mu and a daughter with a cut tank-top with weird stains on it spot sephiroth and run over)

Woman: “Lookie here! It’s that guy! Sephy-rath!”

Sephiroth: “Um, no.” *clings to lark*

Skankish girl: “He smells right purdy like something you find behind your ear!”

Lark and Sephiroth: *lots of sweat drops*

Woman: “You done bring the camera here, Chester!”

Sephiroth: “I don’t want any pictures with you, woman!”

Woman: “Oh, he called me woman! Hear that, Chester? He don’t call me ‘bitch’ like you!”

Sephiroth: “Eh heh…” *tries to back away*

Lark: “Oh, dear, your husband calls you that?”

Woman: “Oh no, he’s my daughter’s baby’s half daddy.”

Lark: *sweat drops* “Uh, yeah. I…uh…have one of those.”

Skankish girl: “It dun matter anyway, he ain’t nothing but a nugget o’ deer turd.”

Sephiroth: “Uh…we have to go…watch Jerry Springer now.”

Woman and Skankish girl: *chant* “Jer-ry! Jer-ry!”

Chester: “I was on that show once. I was a sweet transvestite!”

Woman: “You didn’t tell me that! That’s it, we’re goin’ back! Jerry’ll solve our problems with his words of wisdom.” *wipes tear away* “He truly is a man of god.”

Skankish girl: *grabs chester and drags him away*

Sephiroth and Lark: *blink*

Sephiroth: “I never wanna see that again in my life.”

(meanwhile, in irvine’s saloon…)

Noelle: “My garter is too tight! I can’t feel my left leg!”

Irvine: “I think it looks sexy.”

Noelle: *dippy grin* “I can’t feel anything, but I feel fine!”

Irvine: *winks* “I’ll feel your leg for ya!”

(shell is standing on stage, impatiently tapping her foot and holding a mic)

Shell: *snaps* “Irvine! Mic check!”

Irvine: *angrily* “For the 6th time, I’m *coming*, Shell!”

Shell: “Irvine, are you sure I should wear this skanky outfit?”

Irvine: *muttering* “It’s the only way they’ll listen to you.”

Shell: “What was that, Irvine?”

Irvine: “I said mic’s looking good, Shell.” *sweat drops*

Ashley: “Get off the stage! She blows anyway!” *trips* “These damn heels!”

Noelle: “So I have to serve the drinks?”

Irvine: “Consider it therapy.”

Noelle: “I’ll be fine.” *twitch*

(meanwhile, in another part of the park, vincent has been set up in a little booth where he’s gonna paint faces)

Vincent: “Hm. I wonder why I’ve been given this job.”

(a little kid toddles over)

Kid: “I want a Pikachu!”

Vincent: *blinks* “An angel? Very well, fine then.”

(vincent draws an angel in a heart)

Kid: “That’s not Pikachu!”

Vincent: “It’s better than Pikachu. It’s my angel.”

Kid: “It’s got long silver hair!”

Vincent: *drools* “It sure does, kid.”

Kid: “You’re scary!”

Vincent: *lowers head* “I’m sorry.” *clicks claw* “Next.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, in loser land…scarlet is affixing an ’18 and over only’ sign on the side of her tent)

Nida: “What’s gonna go on in *there*, Scarlet?”

Scarlet: “Are you 18?”

Nida: “No…”

Scarlet: “Then you’ll never find out.”

Nida: “But I turn 18 in two days. Can I come back to the park then?”

Scarlet: *shudders* “No.” *closes tent*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa!” *goes to put tiddly wink in his mouth*

Hojo: *slaps hand away* “We need those, you fool!! Don’t eat them! And where’s Kuja!? He never came out of the hall of mirrors!” *sigh* “I better go get him.”

Nida: “Come watch my movie!”

Hojo: “No!” *walks off*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Where are the visitors?”

Nida: “They’re all going to be coming to watch my movie real soon! Come watch it!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! No!”

Nida: “You suck, Heidegger!”

Scarlet’s voice: “Who sucks?”

(meanwhile…hojo goes into the hall of mirrors, basically broken glass…kuja is standing there)

Kuja: *looking oddly satisfied* “It told me I was ugly. I proved it wrong.”

Hojo: “Those were trick mirrors! You’re *supposed* to look ugly!” *bats eyelashes* “Although, you’re never supposed to look ugly, my pet.”

(suddenly a big, fat lady in a red dress comes in and trips, impaling herself on a 3 foot piece of glass)

Rumi: “It’s okay! I’m Mima!”

Hojo and Kuja: *sweat drops*

Hojo: “Wanna make out?”

Kuja: “NO!” *stomps out*

Hojo: “Let’s call someone to clean up this blood.”

(rumi gets up and stumbles away, into the headlights of an oncoming truck. it hits her, but she gets up anyway)

Rumi: “It’s okay! I just punctured a lung, but I’m all right!!” *sings* “And when you love her! Love her! She will be…”

Hojo: *blinks* “That was unexpected.”

(he walks away while rumi keeps singing)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back at sephiroth land…elena is braiding the sephiroth hair around a needle, and sticks the needle in one of the many sephiroth dolls surrounding her in the shop she’s working in)

Elena: “You want to buy this doll, little boy?”

Boy: “Sure!” *takes it* “What’s this pin?”

Sephiroth’s voice: *from across the park* “OW! Son of a B!”

Elena: *snickers*

(meanwhile, zidane, steiner and vivi go into a restaurant called ‘knights of the round’)

Vivi: “All those rides made me hungry!”

Zidane: “I told ya I’d sneak ya on!”

Steiner: “I’m still against it.”

Zidane: “Can it, Rusty. I’m starved.”

(selphie, the waitress, roller skates over)

Selphie: “Hi, you guys! I’m Selphie, and I’ll be your waitress!!” *tries to lean against the wall, misses, and falls to the ground with a soft cry* “Ouchies! Oh poo, that hurt!”

Steiner: “Are you all right, miss?”

Selphie: “I’m fine! Now, what would you like?”

Zidane: “What are the specials?”

Zell: *in a paper hat from behind the counter* “Anything but hot dogs!” *looks fondly at slow roasting hot dogs* “You’ll be mine soon.” *sniffs air* “The smell permeates the air.” *pause* “Hey! I said a big word! Where’s Squall?”

Zidane: “Um, we’ll have whatever doesn’t have hot dogs in it.”

Selphie: “Tee hee!! Mountain Dew it is!” *skates off*

Zell: *chugging it in the back* “It’s great!”

Zidane: *lots and lots and lots and lots and LOTS of sweat drops*

Steiner: “What seems to be the problem?”

Zidane: *whispers* “It lowers your sperm count.”

Steiner: *pales* “Ah. I see.”

Zell: *still chugging* “This stuff’s great! I love it! I drink it all the time!”

Zidane: “Uh…. Don’t you have anything without hot dogs or Mountain Dew in it?”

Selphie: “Um…nachos?”

Zell: “There’s Mountain Dew in them!”

Zidane: “Um, I’ll just eat napkins then.”

Steiner: “Is that a monkey thing?”

Zidane: “I think it’s more of a goat thing. And I’m not a monkey.” *starts eating one*

(meanwhile, across the park, there’s a big sign reading ‘#$%$@#^&@$@#$%@$&%@$^’ and underneath Amazing Animal Show: starring, da man Barret, kick ass Cid, and the cat/rat/moo thing)

Red: “Moo is a sound. It is not an animal.”

Barret: “Yo! Jist get out there! Put this on!” *holds out pink clown collar*

Red: “Pink is not my color.” *barret makes him wear it* “Oh god, it clashes.”

Cid: “#$%@#^#$&%#$@#$^%&%*!!”

Barret: “You’re right, bro! Time for you to go out and introduce us!”

Cid: “#$%#^!”

(cid steps out on stage)

Cid: “#%$#@^@#^#@$ $#^#$^#%$#@ ^@$^@#%#@$%#@$% %^#$^@#$^@#%^ @#^@#^@#^ @#@#$%$%^ T%^#@$%#@%!%#@$^ @#$%@#$%@% #$% @#$% ^ #@!!!!!!!!!”

(barret and red wait backstage)

Barret: “Jist wait for the applause.” *waits awhile* “Aw, screw it, yo! Let’s jes go!!”

(they go out on stage and see a mother with her hands over her child’s ears)

Child: “What did that man say, mom?”

Mother: “Horrible words of the devil, son!”

Barret: “This here be the original lassie!”

Red: “I am not a collie.”

Barret: “Shush, quiet! You’re amazin’, but you ain’t that amazin’, punk!” *picks up hula hoop* “Jump through it*

Red: “I refuse to jump.” *takes a step forward and the collar jingles* “Kill me.”

Barret: “Watch him balance this ball on his nose!”

(barret drops a ball on red’s nose, he grabs it, snarls and runs out through a shrieking crowd)

Cid: “#$%$#^&$#^#%&#&#!”

Barret: “You said it, yo!”

(and so, rufus goes to the chocobo races, where yuffie’s in charge)

Yuffie: “Not only do we take Gil, we take materia!”

Rufus: “Yuffie! What are you doing?! We do not take materia!”

Yuffie: “We take good materia…”

Rufus: “NO! Cash only!” *looks up at the boards* “So…uh…what are my odds?”

Yuffie: *shrugs*

Rufus: “You’re not very helpful.”

Yuffie: “I know my materia, not chocobos, blondie!”

Rufus: “Hmm… Well… I’ll take 100 on blue.”

Yuffie: *shrugs* “All right, if you say so…”

Rufus: “No, wait! And I want 200 on red!”

Yuffie: “Whatever you say…”

Rufus: “Wait wait! And 300 on green!”

Yuffie: “Okay, watch the monitor for your race.”

(rufus watches the monitor–it’s not even close, and the golden chocobo wins by a lot)

Rufus: “Aw, crap!” *pouts* “That was fixed.”

Yuffie: “You own all those chocobos.”

Rufus: “I’m going to go check out those chocobos.”

(rufus goes down to the track, and starts checking out the golden chocobo’s wing)

Chocobo: *stares at him*

Rufus: *smells something bad and looks down* “Ugh! My Gucci Loafers!!! You dumb bird! The heel of this shoe is worth more than you! I should eat you! …But I don’t like the taste of chocobo.”

Chocobo: *stares at him*

Yuffie: *calls* “Rufus, pay up or we’ll take your thumbs!” *giggles* “This is so much fun!”

Rufus: “Can’t we do something about the crap on my shoe?”

(meanwhile, back to vincent’s booth, he’s been painting angels, and i love sephiroth’s and so forth on everyone’s face. lark and sephiroth come over)

Lark: “Hi, Vincent!”

Vincent: “Hello, Lark. Hello, my angel.”

Sephiroth: *trying to hide* “Vincent… Not in public.”

Vincent: *frowns*

Lark: “Ooh! I want my face painted!”

Sephiroth: “Don’t throw up on him.”

Lark: “Shut up!”

Vincent: “What would you like?”

Lark: “Um… I want… A unicorn!”

Vincent: “I think I have something better.”

Lark: “Okay.” *sits in the chair*

(while vincent is painting, someone comes over and starts hugging seph and making a big fuss)

Slutty girl: “I love you SO much! I know we’re meant to be together!”

Lark: *frowns*

Vincent: *glares*

Lark: *cringes* “Ow, you’re hurting my face with that, Vincent.”

Vincent: *scribbles furiously* “I am finished.”

(lark looks at it in the mirror and she sees a half drawn angel and ‘sephiroth is taken’ written on her cheek)

Lark: *not wanting to hurt his feelings* “Er… Thanks, Vincent.” *kisses him on the cheek* “Sephy! Come have Vincent paint your face!”

Sephiroth: *trying to fend off the girl with a stick* “Nah, I don’t think so.”

Vincent: “Sit!”

Sephiroth: *hangs head* “Yes, Vincent.”

(sephiroth goes to sit in the chair. lark glares at the girl till she leaves. vincent writes ‘property of vincent’ across sephiroth’s forehead and smiles in satisfaction)

Lark: *frowns* “Hm.”

Sephiroth: “What does it say?”

Vincent: “Um… It says… Sephiroth rocks.”

Sephiroth: “Let me see.”

Vincent: “My mirror broke.” *knocks it on the floor* “See?”

Sephiroth: “It didn’t break.”

Vincent: *smashes it with his foot* “Yes it did.”

Sephiroth: “Are you lying to me, Vincent?”

Vincent: *sincerely* “I would *never* lie to you, angel.”

Lark: *pulls on sephy’s arm* “I better get to work now, Sephy. Walk me there?”

Sephiroth: “Sure. Bye, Vincent.”

Lark: “Bye, Vincent!”

Vincent: “Good-bye…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(we now turn to gundam wing blows land, where trowa is strapped to a spinning circle while people throw knives at him…)

Katie: “Oh my gosh! This is so cruel! I know Rufus hates the Gundam Wing boys, but that’s no excuse to kill them!”

Trowa: *dizzy* “I volunteered. Throw one more, Lizzie! Aim for my head!”

Lizzie: “You betchya!”

Katie: “I don’t like this…”

Lizzie: “Get out of the way!”

Katie: “But I can’t just leave him!”

Jake: *comes over* “Hey, Katie.”

Katie: *walks away* “Hey, Jake.”

Jake: “I was looking for you.”

Katie: *frowns* “Are you the janitor?”

Jake: “Yeah, but I’m happy! I get to see you! It’s worth it!”

Katie: *blushes* “Oh, you…”

P.A System: *rufus’ voice* “Jake! Get your ass over here! You need to get this chocobo poo-poo off my shoes! Bring a napkin and a toothbrush! You’re getting this crap off my Gucci loafers if it takes all day!!”

Jake: *sigh* “I don’t suppose you want to keep me company.”

Katie: *shudder*

Jake: “That’s what I thought.” *trudges away*

Trowa: “That was great, Lizzie! You almost hit me in the throat! …My shoulder’s bleeding, I think.”

Lizzie: *grins* “I think it’s all in the wrist.”

Katie: *runs over* “TROWA!”

(meanwhile back to irvine…)

Irvine: *wandering* “I need to get me a new hat.” *goes into a shop where quistis is behind the counter* “Hey! I know you!”

Quistis: *annoyed sigh* “I don’t believe these shoplifters!! I caught three already!! Do they think they’re actually going to get away with it?! This is cheap merchandise anyway! It’s not even worth it!”

Irvine: *blinks* “Yeah, um, I need a hat.”

Quistis: “We don’t sell hats. We have this wig.” *holds up wig*

Irvine: “Is that a Sephiroth wig?”

Quistis: *like she’s speaking to an idiot* “Is this a Sephiroth theme park?”

Irvine: “Um, yes.”

Quistis: “Very good, Irvine.” *mutters* “I’m glad I didn’t have *you* in my class.”

Irvine: “You seem a little bitter, Quistis.”

Quistis: “Shut up, hat hair head.”

Irvine: *hangs head* “Please stop it. I’ll take the wig.”

Quistis: “That’ll be 8.75.”

Irvine: “I’ll pay on the way back.” *takes the wig and walks out*

Quistis: “Hey! You’d better! I’ll take your thumbs!”

(meanwhile, on the other side of the park, Laguna stands, bored, holding a basket of bumper stickers.)

Laguna: *calls* “Hey Hey! Who wants to meet the President of Esthar?! C’mon! I’m a *president*. In the flesh!” *Mumbling* “I’m not Cait Sith! What’s the hold up? Is my sign big enough?” *glances up at giant banner* “I can’t believe Lizzie chose knife throwing over me…”

(kiros and ward walk by with what looks like a tour group. they both wear tags that say ‘foreign language translator’)

Kiros: “And we are now in FF8 Sucks Land.” *mumbles* “Only Laguna sucks.”

Ward: “……..!” *hits kiros*

Kiros: “What?! Ward said it! Not me!”

Ward: *glares*

Kiros: *nervous smile* “I see that trick doesn’t work on you.”

Guest: “Donde esta el bano?”

Kiros: “Ward dice: apoderarse de su vejiga.” (ward says take control of your bladder)

Ward: *hits kiros*

Laguna: “Hey hey! I didn’t know you spoke Spanish!”

Kiros: “Ward dice Laguna es muy estupido y muy impotente.” (ward says laguna is very stupid and very impotent)

Laguna: *laughing* “I don’t know what you said, but I’m sure it’s good!”

Ward: *beats kiros*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back in the gundam wing section, heero stumbles upon the ‘Virtual Nataku’ attraction)

Heero: “I can master this.”

(he goes into the ride, and sits in the chair, with a view screen in front of him. the ride begins, and heero quickly realizes that the ride is not like a real gundam…)

Heero: *misses* “What the–”

Wufei’s recorded voice: “Nice shot, ace pilot!”

Heero: “Ace pilot?!” *misses again*

Wufei’s recorded voice: “Nataku denounces you!”

Heero: “Hey!” *misses*

Wufei’s recorded voice: “You’re weak.”

Heero: “I am not!” *misses*

Wufei’s recorded voice: “Treize the fruitcake did better than this!”

Heero: *gasps and misses*

Wufei’s recorded voice: “You’re not fit to pilot Nataku!”

Heero: “Grrr…” *misses*

Wufei’s recorded voice: “Is there anyone in this chamber?” *starts laughing*

Heero: “ARGH!!!” *starts ripping up stuff*

(heero exits the ride, hair looks a little frayed, and he looks a little agitated…)

Duo: “How was the ride?”

Heero: “I destroyed it.”

Duo: *sweat drops*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back in loser land….Hojo is marveling at all the beautiful little boys as they pet his animals)

Hojo: *grinning* “Yes, young men, pet my beautiful animals! This is Hojo’s Petting Zoo after all!”

Child: “I’ve never seen these animals before, Dr Hojo. This one has a horn, one bat wing, and a huge ear on its back.”

Hojo: *frowning* “Well…..these are magical animals from the land of Happy, where all animals are deliriously happy all day long, and old men like me and young men like you live together in harmony.”

Child: *confused* “Okay…..”

Hojo: “Don’t forget about the animals in the black boxes of mystery, children! Too ugly to behold, they are just as exciting to touch!”

Child: *putting hand in box and giggling* “It’s licking me!”

Hojo: *chuckling* “Oh, no it isn’t my boy!”

Child: *pulling hand away*

Mother: “Doctor Hojo….I don’t mean to pry-”

Hojo: *snaps* “Then don’t.”

Mother: “But why does this mouse have a human hand sewn to his back?”

Hojo: *clearing throat* “Firstly, ma’am, it is not a mouse, it is a Farares, a unique animal mix of owl, banshee, and rat blood. And secondly, the human hand was donated to me by a pretty young man named Vincent who used to love me, and this could cure all world diseases one day, so if I were you, I would just get the rest of your little boys, put them in my office, and then leave!”

Mother: *blinks* “Jimmy, don’t pet that. We’re leaving.”

Hojo: “NO! Children come back! Pet, adore, love, and so on and so forth!”

Kuja: “No one’s coming to my booth.”

Hojo: “You haven’t even *seen* your booth yet, my dear. You were still admiring yourself in the shards, if I remember correctly.”

Kuja: *sniffs* “That may be true, but I’m not the only one who’s slacking. Scarlet hasn’t come out of her tent for an hour- she’s in there with someone named ‘Chester’. Very unappealing- needs lipliner.”

Scarlet: *coming out of tent, counting money*

(Nida runs over to bitch about his lack of patronization when he sees Scarlet)

Nida: *indignant* “You were *not* reading fortunes!”

Scarlet: *smiling* “I told him he was going to have a very pleasant hour. He did. I got a hundred bucks. How much money did you get, ass?”

Nida: *proudly* “I found this bottle cap!”

Scarlet: “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Nida: “Yeah, I rock.”

(the woman with the slippers and the mu-mu goes over to chester)

Woman: “Chester! Where you been?! Me an’ Star here have been worried sick!”

Scarlet: “I’m done with him, ma’am. You can take him away.”

Skanky girl: “Chester! Were you birthin’ babies again?”

Scarlet: “I don’t think you have to worry about that, ma’am.” *throws out five condom wrappers*

Nida: “My virgin eyes!”

Scarlet: “Oh, shut up.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back at the better theme park…isn’t that sad…we’re back in gundam wing blows land. we see a sign with a chibi duo and a chibi hilde hugging with a big heart between them. then we see two really hot guys. one is blonde, and the other has black hair…)

Dee: *reading the sign* “Duo loves Hilde love canal.” *looks at ryo thoughtfully* “Hey, Ryo, let’s go on this ride.”

Ryo: *uncertainly* “All right… But I’m only going in to see the animatronic bunnies, Dee.”

Dee: “Sure you are. Let’s go.”

(they go inside, and sit in a boat. there is loud dialogue from the boat in front of them and the boat in back of them….)

Miaka: “Stop it, Tamahome!”

Tamahome: *sigh* “What is it now, Miaka?”

Miaka: “You know we can’t do that!! I’m not allowed because otherwise I can’t be the priestess of Suzaku anymore!”

Tamahome: “Geez! You’re such a prude! I just wanna kiss you!”

Miaka: “Then what’s your hand doing *there*, Tamahome?”

Tamahome: “Uh… You know, Miaka, I will *never* leave you.”

Miaka: “Tama*home*!”

Tamahome: *grins* “That’s what I thought.”

(in the boat behind them…)

Suboshi: “But I love you, lady Yui!”

Yui: “Shut up, I can’t hear what they’re saying!”

Suboshi: “I knitted this! It took me 20 hours. In the rain. I bypassed meals. Tomo harassed me. He said my stitching was bad. Then he harassed me another way.”

Yui: “I don’t have time to hear your problems.” *annoyed sigh* “Why couldn’t Na*ka*go have come?”

Suboshi: “Tomo, lady Yui. *Tomo*!”

Yui: “I think he’s pretty cute…”

(back to ryo and dee)

Ryo: *points excitedly* “Ooh! Look at that, Dee!”

Dee: “Yeah, that’s nice, Ryo.” *kisses him*

Ryo: *pulls away* “I can’t see the flowers, Dee!”

Dee: *sigh of annoyance* “Ugh, you’re so flaming.”

Ryo: *sweat drops* “Um… Dee… Is that your hand?”

Dee: “Um… No.”

Ryo: “DEE!!”

Dee: *mumbles* “Dammit.”

(well looks like dee’s not having much luck with ryo. we’ll turn now to ff8 sucks land, where the show ‘sephiroth v. cloud’, with seifer as seph and squall as cloud, is about to begin)

Rinoa: “Who wants snacks?”

Guy far away: “I’ll have one!”

Rinoa: *chucks one at his head* “I’m not walking over there.”

(meanwhile, backstage)

Seifer: “Ha ha! I’m Sephiroth! You’re just Cloud. You’re dumb. Ha ha.”

Squall: “Cloud wins.”

Seifer: “No he doesn’t! Sephiroth does! You don’t know what you’re talking about! Remember he killed us all?”

Squall: “Did you read the script?”

Seifer: “There was a script?”

Squall: *hand to his head* “I can’t deal with this.”

Seifer: “Let’s make me win.”

Squall: “Let’s not.”

Sefier: “You say you want a challenge?”

Squall: “I say let the best man win.”

Seifer: “I’ll slice your pretty boy face open *again*! And right in front of your girlfriend!”

Squall: “I’ll slice *your* pretty boy face open!”

Seifer: *blinks* “You think I’m pretty?”

Stagehand: “You’re on now!”

Seifer: *walking onstage* “I’m gonna win.”

Squall: “Keep dreamin’.”

(the show begins)

Squall: “Ha ha, Sephiroth! I am Cloud! And I will rid the planet of you!”

Seifer: “I will become one with the planet.”

Squall: “I will prevent that! My friends and I have the power to defeat you!”

Seifer: “I will summon meteor!”

Squall: *under his breath* “You already did.”

Seifer: “Er…right. Um, I will become one with the planet. I am Sephiroth.”

Squall: *under his breath* “You said that already! Didn’t you read the script?!”

Seifer: *under his breath* “I told you, I didn’t know there was one!” *loudly* “Shut up, foolish weakling! I am Sephiroth! Die!” *slashes at squall*

Squall: *backs up* “Seifer, you’re screwing up.”

Seifer: *tripping over sword* “I will cut you in half with my masamune.”

Squall: “Watch it, Seifer, that thing’s sharp!”

Seifer: “Silence, Squall…er…Cloud.”

Squall: *hits himself in the head* “This sucks.”

Seifer: “I’ll suck you!” *pause* “That didn’t sound right.”

Rinoa: *from audience* “Damn straight it didn’t!”

(seifer pushes squall to the ground and his wig comes off)

Seifer: *gasp* “Cloud! You’re a brunette! You told me you were naturally blonde!”

Squall: *hisses* “Seifer, no improvisation! Stick to the script!”

Seifer: *loudly* “I *told* you, I didn’t *know* there *was* a script!”

Squall: *hits himself in the head* “You are a dumbass.”

Seifer: “Do not call the mighty Sephiroth a dumbass!” *slashes at squall* “If Sephiroth could see this, he would roll over in his grave.”

Squall: “He isn’t dead, you moron!”

Seifer: “I thought that was just a figure of speech!”

Squall: “Oh man, you need to go back to Garden!”

Seifer: “At least I’m a better student than you! Quistis must be rolling around in her grave!”

Squall: “Can you get *any* dumber?”

Seifer: “Probably. Wait, no.”

(squall hits seifer on the head with his sword and seifer falls unconscious)

Squall: “Thank goodness. The world is safe again.”

Crowd: *one person claps. wind blows*

Rinoa: “That sucked!”

Squall: “We can hear you!”

(back in gundam wing land, lark’s supposed to report to her job, but instead gets sidetracked once again…)

Lark: *reading sign* “Quatre’s Happy Bunny Land…” *frowns* “Maybe the name is deceiving.”

Sephiroth: *looking at the cute, pink fluffy things outside* “I don’t think so.”

Lark: “Let’s be sure.” *drags him*

Sephiroth: *resistant* “I don’t wanna.”

(they get on. a cheerful, ass lancing song plays…)

Song: “Gundam Wing blows after all. Gundam Wing blows after all. Gundam Wing blows after all, and it’s due to these jerks.”

Lark: *gasps* “This is terrible!”

Sephiroth: *grins* “I love it.”

(they pass by many collages of ‘great gundam moments’–we see deathsythe blowing up, quatre going crazy, heero with the dead puppy, hilde injured, treize dying, zechs as a small child.)

Lark: “These aren’t great! They show Treize dying!” *sob*

(then they pass the huge collages of wufei losing to treize…)

Lark: “Ooh! I like that one!”

(mariemaia surrounded by pics of treize…)

Lark: “Ugh!! No fair!”

(zechs in his white suit…)

Lark: “Not his best wardrobe choice…”

(trowa floating out in space…)

Lark: “Well Trowa liked that part.”

(wufei’s colony blowing up, quatre crushing the carnival, duo and wufei almost running out of air, trowa getting hit with a knife…)

Sephiroth: “Is that it?”

(they then come to an animatronic Relena talking about world peace)

Relena: “I’m Relena Peacecraft, and I think war is a very, very bad thing. Wars are bad. Nothing good can come of bad wars. I’m Relena Peacecraft. I like peace. Peace is good. War is bad….”

Lark: “AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS RIDE!!” *buries her head in sephiroth’s shoulder*

Sephiroth: “Don’t throw up on me.”

Lark: “I *won’t*!”

(they get off the ride, and lark is still hiding)

Sephiroth: “The freak is gone now. You’re safe.”

Lark: *sigh of relief* “Thank goodness. Well, I better report to work now.”

Sephiroth: “Where are you supposed to work?”

Lark: *jaw drops, and she stares, transfixed*

Sephiroth: *looks at her funny* “Lark? What is it?”

Lark: *points*

(sephiroth looks at what she’s pointing at and he sees a building labelled ‘palace of yaoi’)

Sephiroth: *sweat drops* “*That’s* where you have to work?”

Lark: *running for it* “YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Sephiroth: “We might never get her out of there.” *pause* “No sense in me standing here…” *follows*

(meanwhile, back on the gundam wing side of the park…)

Zechs: “This is fun, Treize.”

Treize: “I think our audience is enjoying the show.”

(they have one of those huge pianos like out of the movie ‘big’)

Zechs: “Shall we play our song?”

Treize: “Let’s.”

(they start to play ‘i’ve got you, babe’)

Guy in audience: “You already played that twice! Play something else!”

Zechs: “Treize, they want us to play something else.”

Treize: “I wish we could play something other than war, Zechs, but war is necessary to bring piece, and thus it is very necessary. And you don’t play war, you fight it. War is not a game. If it was, the losers–”

Zechs: “Treize darling, not now.”

(meanwhile, cloud and tifa are sitting behind something labelled ‘info booth’)

Tifa: “This is pretty exciting, isn’t it, Cloud?”

Cloud: “Huh? Who are you? Where am I?”

Tifa: *annoyed sigh, mumbles* “I wish this wasn’t an alcohol free park.”

(a little girl walks nearby, looking around)

Tifa: “Are you lost, little girl?”

Girl: “My name is Reiha. Do not patronize Reiha.”

Tifa: *blinks* “Um, okay.”

Cloud: “My name is Cloud.”

Tifa: “Very good, Cloud!” *mumbles* “Help me.”

(meanwhile, back to reno at his whack-a-cloud booth…his machine looks pretty banged up, and he has one of his fingers wrapped in gauze)

Reno: *mumbles* “I can’t believe I hit my own finger with the damn mallet.” *frowns* “This game sucks.” *sighs* “Who wants to bang Cloud? Come and bang Cloud to win a prize?” *pause, as a perverted smile spreads across his face* “Or you can come bang Reno! Attractive girls only, please, I do have standards.” *watches people walk by* “Aw, come on! Someone must wanna bang Reno! …I’m bored back here! …Banging Reno is much more fun than banging Cloud!” *sigh* “Note to self: never try to pick up chicks at an amusement park.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back at not so fun loser land…there is a three person audience for the showing of nida’s movie. nida gets up in front of everyone to introduce it)

Nida: “Hello everyone, I’m Nida the Great, and welcome to Nida the Great’s presentation of: the best movie ever, made by the great Nida the Great. And now, I proudly present one of my many great achievements!”

Audience Member: “Stop saying great.”

Nida: “Shut up! You’re jealous ’cause you’re not!!”

(nida turns the movie on, and it starts out with a pic of garden. all the voices come from the movie itself, unless otherwise indicated)

Nida’s voice: “Hello, my name is Nida, and this is Balamb Garden, which I drive, because I am great. Squall did not get to drive Garden, because he’s stupid, ugly, and not great. And just for good measure, I’d like to add that Zell is a dumbass.”

(a picture of nida is shown)

Nida’s voice: “That’s me, Nida the great. It should be great and handsome, but there’s no denying that I am one good looking guy, is there?”

Scarlet’s voice: “You’re ugly!”

Nida’s voice: *snaps* “You’re ugly, whore!” *clears throat* “This is my friend Twilight.” *picture of twilight* “He’s my best friend in the whole wide world, even if he isn’t as good looking or as great as I am.”

Twilight’s voice: “I am *not* your friend! Give me that picture back!”

Nida’s voice: “No! I drew it! It’ll be worth money some day!”

Scarlet’s voice: “No it won’t.”

Nida’s voice: “Shut up! This is *my* movie! You’re ruining it!”

(a pic of heidegger is shown)

Nida’s voice: “This is Heidegger. He enjoys tiddly winks, yo-yo’s, erasers, and laughing like a horse.”

Heidegger’s voice: “Gya haa haa! And batteries!”

Nida’s voice: “That’s the extra battery for the camera, you idiot! You can’t eat that! Give it back!”

Heidegger’s voice: “Yum, acid! Gya haa haa!”

Nida’s voice: “Ew………! Hojo, do something!”

Hojo’s voice: “You know, Kuja, I may be old, but I can still perform.”

Kuja’s voice: “For the last time I’m not interested.”

Nida’s voice: “Ew! My virgin ears!”

Hojo’s voice: “I told you not to eavesdrop on our conversation, you stupid boy!”

(there’s some static before the camera comes back with a picture of hojo)

Nida’s voice: “This is Professor Hojo. He enjoys performing bizarre experiments, chasing after Vincent, Zidane and Kuja, and generally boys in general.”

Hojo’s voice: “Quiet on that, Nida!”

Nida’s voice: “Don’t worry. This is for private use only.” *snickers*

(shows pictures of kuja)

Nida’s voice: “This is Kuja. He enjoys himself, and mirrors. And himself.”

Kuja’s voice: “I’m so pretty. May I have that picture?”

Hojo’s voice: “No, I want it, my pretty little pet.”

Kuja’s voice: “I asked for it first.”

Nida’s voice: “Stop fighting in my movie! Especially over this ugly picture!”

Kuja’s voice: *gasp* “How dare you!”

Nida’s voice: “Eh heh… kidding.”

(a pic of scarlet is shown)

Nida’s voice: “This is the whore, also known as Scarlet. She’s a whore. But she loves me.”

Scarlet’s voice: “Don’t think so, jackass.”

Nida’s voice: “Did I also mention she’s a pathological liar?”

Scarlet’s voice: “Hey!!”

(pic of nida shown again)

Nida’s voice: “Again, this is me, the great and wonderful, Nida.”

Scarlet’s voice: “The *real* pathological liar.”

Nida’s voice: “The end.”

(the movie stops. there’s dead silence)

Nida: “HEY! WHERE’S MY APPLAUSE?! THAT MOVIE WILL BE WINNING OSCAR’S SOON!!!”

(the audience claps weakly)

Nida: *frowns* “Uncultured jerks.”

(meanwhile…hojo goes over to kuja’s booth, where kuja is holding up some make-up to someone’s face)

Kuja: “Hm…This color would look good on you, but it would look better on me.”

Woman: “Are you *sure* you’re a man?”

Kuja: *putting on eyeshadow* “Yes.”

Woman: “I give up.” *leaves*

Hojo: “Uh…Kuja?”

Kuja: *putting on mascara* “Yes?”

Hojo: “Are you driving away *everyone*?”

Kuja: “They’re not as pretty as me. It’s a waste of my time.”

Hojo: “Kuja, there is no one in the *galaxy* as pretty as you. But, you still have a job to do. Can’t you humor them?”

Kuja: “No.” *admires himself in the mirror* “Why aren’t you at the petting zoo?”

Hojo: “There are a bunch of little *girls* in there now. So I let Heidegger take care of it for awhile.”

Kuja: “What happened to his tiddly wink championship?”

Hojo: “The fool *ate* all the tiddly winks. And the board. We had to close it.”

Kuja: “And Nida?”

Hojo: “Last I saw he walked by muttering something about how his movie was too good for our hillbilly crowd.”

Kuja: “And what about Scarlet?”

Hojo: *shudders* “Don’t even get me started on her.”

Kuja: *stands up* “I believe I will go back to the house of mirrors.”

Hojo: “But you have a mirror right in your hand.”

Kuja: “It isn’t big enough. Besides, I just saw a boy go into the petting zoo.”

Hojo: “Ooh!” *runs off*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back at the other park…we return to the knights of the round restaurant, where rufus is coming in the door)

Selphie: *trips over on her skates* “Hi, Rufus!”

Rufus: *looking around* “How’s business?”

Selphie: “Great!”

Rufus: *going over to the counter* “Good, cause I just lost half the money at the chocobo races.”

Selphie: “What?” *follows*

Rufus: “Well, that thing’s addictive! So I lost half the money. But I have a plan to get it back.”

Zell: *still watching the hot dogs and drinking mountain dew* “Yo, Rufus! What’s up?”

Selphie: “Rufus is losing the money!”

Zell: “What?”

Rufus: “Nothing. Relax. I’m just gonna bet whatever’s left and get it back.”

Selphie: “What if you lose?”

Rufus: “Well, if I lose… If I lose… I’m screwed.” *starts drinking some mountain dew*

Selphie: “Why don’t you just keep what you have left?”

Rufus: “Because I’m greedy.”

Selphie: “Oh, okay! Tee hee!”

Zell: “Yo, but I don’t get it, man. Isn’t this *your* theme park? Don’t *you* get to keep the money?”

Rufus: “No. It’s a long story involving the Mob, but I’m not allowed to keep any of the money that goes into the chocobo races.” *drinks*

Selphie: “Oh dear.”

Zell: “Yo, you dealt with the Mob, man? Cool! ”

Rufus: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, Zell, it’s really cool that I’m in a ton of trouble.”

Zell: *puts down his mountain dew* “I’ve gotta go to the bathroom. Be right back!” *runs off*

Rufus: *eyes the hot dogs* “All that betting has made me hungry. Get me a hot dog, Selphie.”

Selphie: “Oh, I can’t. Zell’s been cooking those for himself all day. He’d be really upset if someone else ate them.”

Rufus: “Oh, really?” *devilish grin* “Oh, all right then. Why don’t you just tend to the customers?”

Selphie: “Okay! Tee hee!” *skates off*

(rufus goes in the back, grabs all the hot dogs, goes back to his seat and starts eating them really fast. he’s finishing the last one when zell comes out)

Zell: “My hot dogs are almost…” *stops when he sees the empty machine and jaw hits the floor* “My…my…” *looks at rufus* “Rufus?”

Rufus: *mouth full* “What?”

Zell: “YOU ATE MY HOT DOGS!!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL HOT DOGS! YOU *ATE* THEM!”

Rufus: “Revenge for my sandwich I had at the beach that time!”

Zell: *flips out* “I ate that by accident!”

Rufus: “It doesn’t matter!”

Zell: “Now I have to start alllllllllllllllll over again!” *pouts and starts taking out new ones*

Rufus: *sips mountain dew* “Sucks to be you.”

(zidane comes over with steiner and vivi)

Steiner: “Mr. Shinra! We are enjoying your amusement park very much, sir!” *salutes*

Rufus: *grins* “Hey, thanks! I’m glad you’re enjoying yourselves. Make sure you catch the parade! It’s starting soon.”

Vivi: “Ooh, a parade. Can we see the parade, Zidane?”

Zidane: “Uh, sure. Uh…hey, Rufus…”

Rufus: “What?”

Zidane: *points to the soda* “You *do* know what that stuff does….right?”

Rufus: “No…..”

(zidane whispers something in his ear and rufus pales and drops the can)

Rufus: “Well there goes my heir!”

Zidane: “Just letting you know. Great park! See ya!”

(the ff9 characters leave)

Rufus: *sighs* “And today was supposed to be a good day.” *looks around* “Hey, where’s Selphie? I need to borrow your intercom…”

(meanwhile, at the temple of the ancients, tseng is in the corner, sobbing and rocking back in forth)

Tseng: “Can’t work, Sephiroth’ll kill me. Can’t work, Sephiroth’ll kill me….”

(knock at the door)

?????: “Hello? Aren’t there supposed to be tours?”

Tseng: “Can’t work, Sephiroth’ll kill me. Can’t work, Sephiroth’ll kill me.”

(the intercom comes on)

Rufus’ voice: “Tseng! Tseng, you had better be there!”

Tseng: *sobs*

Rufus’ voice: “Tseng! Stop crying and give the tours!”

Tseng: “I can’t! I can’t!”

Rufus’ voice: “People are complaining, Tseng! You *know* I don’t like it when people complain! GIVE THE TOURS!”

Tseng: “I can’t!!! I hate this place!”

Rufus’ voice: “Why, because you were killed there? That’s a stupid reason.”

Tseng: *sobs*

Rufus’ voice: “You’re such a baby! Get up and get to work you big sissy!”

(the intercom goes off)

Tseng: *still sobbing* “Can’t work, Sephiroth’ll kill me…Can’t work, Sephiroth’ll kill me…”

(meanwhile back to reeve and cait sith…they’re sitting outside the building. reeve is sitting with his head on his hand. a dust cloud rolls on by)

Reeve: *blinks* “That is not a good sign.”

Cait Sith: “No one wants to come because you’re a loser.”

Reeve: “That’s not true! No one’s coming because no one likes you, and you have *nothing* to do with Sephiroth!”

Cait Sith: “I think Rufus stuck you here cause he doesn’t like you.”

Reeve: “Rufus wouldn’t do that!”

Cait Sith: “You saw the dust cloud, Reeve.”

Reeve: *chin trembles*

Cait Sith: “Oh great. Now you’re gonna cry like a big baby.”

Reeve: “Shut up! You’re mean! I’m going to go find Tseng!”

Cait Sith: “There’s a surprise.” *rolls eyes*

Reeve: “Shut up, Cait Sith! You’re so mean to me!”

Cait Sith: “Oh, yeah? What are ya gonna do to me? Poke me with your dumb paperclip?”

Reeve: *shuts him off* “No, that.” *smiles and walks off*

(meanwhile, sephiroth is walking along…)

Sephiroth: “I think Lark is enjoying her job a *bit* too much.” *spots temple of the ancients* “Oh look at that. I know that place.” *goes over* “Hm, the door’s shut….”

(meanwhile, inside, tseng is in the same state…)

Tseng: “Can’t work, Sephiroth’ll kill me… Can’t work, Sephiroth’ll kill me…”

(the door then flies open, and sephiroth steps in)

Tseng: *jaw hits the floor* U-u-u-h…”

Sephiroth: “Oh, hi, Tseng.”

Tseng: *screams like a girl* “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

(nearby…)

Reeve: *listens* “Omg, that’s Tseng screaming!” *runs*

Sephiroth: *hands over his ears* “Geez, my ear drums!” *uncovers ears* “What was that about?”

Tseng: *hugging seph around the legs* “Please don’t kill me? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please?”

Sephiroth: *looking around* “Oh, *riiiiiiiight*. I remember what happened here now….” *tries to shake tseng off* “Get off me. Get *off* me, Tseng.”

Reeve: *runs in outta breath* “Hey…..what’s……going…..on……here?”

Sephiroth: “Where the hell did you come from?”

Reeve: “Down the……street.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, that’s healthy.”

Tseng: “Reeve!” *hugs reeve around the legs*

Reeve: “Tseng?” *looks at seph* “What’s with him?”

Sephiroth: *shrugs* “I don’t know, I came in, he screamed and begged me not to kill him. Then you came. That’s all I know.”

Reeve: “Oh, I see. I think he’s a little…freaked.”

Sephiroth: “I had no plans to kill him. Really.”

Reeve: “I believe you.” *looks down* “Tseng? Are you all right?”

Tseng: *sniff* “Rufus hates me.”

Reeve: “I think Rufus hates us all. I got stuck with Cait Sith! That is one nasty cat.”

Sephiroth: “Um…don’t you control it?”

Reeve: *shifty eyes* “Um….no.”

Sephiroth: “I think you both need counseling. Or each other. Whatever’s cheaper.” *drags tseng to his feet * “You were resting your head in the wrong area, pal.”

Reeve: *blushes*

Tseng: *shivering* “I need to get out of here.”

Reeve: “I’ll get you out of here, darling–er…Tseng.”

Sephiroth: “You know, I think I know the perfect place to get your mind off the temple.”

Reeve: “Oh really? What’s that?”

(cut to tseng and reeve standing open mouthed in the yaoi palace. lark is behind the counter, reading a copy of fake, volume 7)

Tseng: “Oh. My. God.”

Reeve: “Would you look at this.”

Sephiroth: *brushes off his hands* “Problem solved.”

Lark: *looks up* “Sephy-sama! Hey there! Ooh, and you brought friends!”

Sephiroth: “Lark, you know I don’t have friends.”

Lark: “Hi, Reeve. Hi, Tsengy!”

Tseng: “Hi, Lark. How come you got the good job? Er…I mean…um…I meant…”

Lark: *laughs* “Yeah, I lucked out, huh? This is the best job ever!”

Reeve: “I got stuck with Cait Sith! All he did was insult me!”

Lark: “But Reeve, you control Cait Sith.”

Reeve: *hangs head* “I know.”

Tseng: “He put me in the Temple of the Ancients! The Temple of the Ancients, Lark!”

Lark: “Aw! Poor Tsengy! Well, as a reward for your suffering, I’m going to let you guys each get something for free from my store! It’s on me.”

Tseng: “Why would we–”

Sephiroth: “Don’t try to hide it.”

Tseng: *shrugs* “All right.” *goes to look around*

Reeve: *blushes* “Thanks, Lark. Uh, by the way, Seph, do you realize you have ‘property of vincent’ written across your forehead?”

Sephiroth: “WHAT?! Lark, why didn’t you tell me?!?”

(lark silently offers him a mirror)

Lark: “Well, it was kinda cute…” *quietly* “I guess.”

Sephiroth: “Wait till I see him! I’m going to give him a piece of my mi—”

?????: “Hello, angel.”

Sephiroth: *whirls around to see vincent and blushes* “Oh, hello, Vincent.”

Vincent: “What was that about giving me a piece of your mind?”

Sephiroth: “Did I say ‘mind’? I …uh… meant wallet. Yeah, that’s right. I’m going to buy you something from Lark’s store!”

Vincent: “Oh, that’s very nice of you, angel.”

Lark: “Hey, Vincent, what happened to the face painting?”

Vincent: *hangs head* “Rufus said the claw was scaring the customers.”

Everyone: “Aw….”

Lark: “Rufus hasn’t been too nice, has he?”

Tseng: “NO!”

Lark: *thoughtfully* “I think I have just the thing to get back at him.” *disappears behind the counter and comes up with a doujinshi* “Here we go.” *hands it to tseng* “It’s RufusxReno. It’ll scare the crap outta him, guaranteed.”

Tseng: *inspecting it* “Uh, thanks, Lark, but why is the plastic bag it’s in torn open?”

Lark: *shifty eyes* “I don’t know…”

Sephiroth: “Sure you don’t.”

Lark: “Shut up. Anyway, did you guys decide on what you wanted to get?”

(at the same time, both reeve and tseng both hold up the same tsengxreeve doujinshi then they look at what the other got, then at each other, blushing)

Lark: “Good choice! The last two copies!”

Sephiroth: “What happened to the rest?”

Lark: *shifty eyes* “I don’t know…”

(meanwhile, vivi, zidane and steiner are watching the parade. vivi is on steiner’s shoulders)

Vivi: “Thanks, Steiner, now I can see!”

Steiner: “You’re very welcome, master Vivi!”

Zidane: “I think that’s the meteor float. Oh, and look, the Nibelheim burning float.”

Tifa: *walks by crying* “This is the worst parade ever!”

Vivi: “Look at all the people dressed up as Sephiroth beating up the people dressed up as Turks!”

Zidane: “Yeah, I’m sure that’ll go over well.”

(nearby…)

Reno: “Can you believe this, Rude? I’m getting my head bashed in by that jerk!”

Rude: *still wearing bathing cap* “That’s not really you, Reno.”

Reno: “Still. And this theme park sucks. I can’t get anyone to bang me–er, Cloud. Yeah, I meant Cloud.”

Rude: “Sure you did.”

(meanwhile, Coby and JT are leaning against the wall, looking bored)

Coby: “Do you see any trouble, JT?”

JT: “Nope. …Not aside from that group of teenage boys bossing around that little kid anyway.”

Coby: “Oh well. If that’s all.” *pause* “Wait, where?”

(JT points to where a group of about ten boys is crowded around a little girl, who’s trying to jump up for her lollipop)

Jerk 1: “I think she wants her lollipop.” *laughs brainlessly*

Jerk 2: “That’s too bad, cause she ain’t gettin’ it!”

Little girl: “Waaah!!”

Coby: “I guess we gotta help.”

JT: “Where are her parents?”

Coby: “Look, we’re security, not policemen. Let’s just kick their asses.”

JT: “But there are like ten of them.”

Coby: “So? We can take them! Come on!”

(he and JT stomp over, trying to look tough)

Coby: *clears throat* “Excuse me, gentlemen, but it seems that this little girl would like her lollipop.”

JT: “Yeah.”

Coby: “Being security of this site, I order you to give it back to her.”

JT: “Yeah.”

Coby: “My partner agrees with me.”

JT: “Yeah.”

Jerk 5: “Is that so? Well maybe we don’t *wanna* follow your orders.” *advances*

Coby: *backing up* “Uh….you have to, cause we’re security.”

JT: “Yeah.”

Jerk 8: “Maybe we wanna beat you up instead.”

Coby: “You, um, can’t do that. We’re security.”

JT: “Yeah.”

Jerk 7: “Let’s get ’em.”

Coby: “JT, let’s run!”

JT: *already running* “YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(meanwhile, rufus goes back to the chocobo races)

Yuffie: “Back for more, eh?”

Rufus: “You better believe it. This time I’ve gotta win!”

Yuffie: “I think you should keep what you have and walk away.”

Rufus: “No way! I’m Rufus Shinra! I have to maintain my reputation of being greedy and go down trying to do so!”

Yuffie: *shrugs* “Whatever. As long as you can still pay me when today is over. I’m gonna buy some new materia.”

Rufus: “Yeah, I really care. Anyway, give me 5,000 on yellow, 15,000 on green…”

(back at irvine’s saloon, Noelle is walking around selling drinks while shell is on stage. Ashley is backstage, looking bored and unhappy. irvine is the bar tender)

Shell: *sings* “Cause we are living in a material world, and I am a material girl!”

Ashley: *mutters* “She’s been out there for 45 straight minutes! Won’t she ever shut up?!?”

(meanwhile, Noelle is delivering some drinks…)

Noelle: *putting down drinks* “Here’s your wine, and your scotch sour, and your…beer.”

Guy: *studies beer* “Um, this is half empty.”

Noelle: “Uh…it’s not half empty, it’s half *full*! Pessimist!” *stomps off*

Irvine: *cringing* “Can Shell shut up now?”

Noelle: “Obviously not. Want me to shove her off?”

Irvine: “Nah, I don’t want Lark mad at me. Maybe she’ll shut up on her own.”

Shell: *still singing*

Noelle: “Not likely.”

Guy in audience: *to shell* “Take it off!!!”

Noelle: “Uh oh, they want skin.”

Irvine: “Hey, who doesn’t?”

Noelle: “Irvine! This is a theme park, not a burlesque house!”

Irvine: *calls* “Come on, Shell!”

Shell: *snaps* “Irvine, who do you think I am? Lark?!”

Ashley: “That’s it. You ain’t entertaining them anymore, sister.” *she shoves shell off the stage and starts singing her theme song from ‘blazing saddles’*

Guy: “Hey, beer girl! Get me more beer!”

Noelle: *seethes* “Coming right *up*, sir!!!”

Irvine: *hands her a glass of beer* “And don’t drink it this time.”

Noelle: *shifty eyes* “Who said anything about drinking it?” *goes off*

Shell: *stomps over* “I want Ashley fired! I wasn’t done yet!”

Irvine: “Oh, you were done a *looooooooooooong* time ago.”

Shell: *hands on hips* “What’s *that* supposed to mean?”

Irvine: “It means everyone wanted you to shut up.”

Shell: “*You* shut up, Irvine! They did not!” *stomps off*

Irvine: *hangs head* “Oh, Irvine is not doing well with the ladies today.”

(suddenly a black cat with big green eyes pops outta nowhere and walks across the bar. no one even seems to notice)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, back in the gundam wing blows area of the park…)

Quatre: “I think this park is beautiful, just beautiful! The rides are beautiful, the landscaping is beautiful, the—”

Duo: “Quatre! Shut up!”

Heero: “I will destroy you.”

Duo: “Heero, buddy, that’s like all you’ve been saying since you got off that Wufei ride.”

Heero: “I will destroy you.”

Duo: “Wasn’t expecting that one.” *turns to quatre* “Speaking of Wufei, where is he? And where is Trowa?”

Quatre: “Trowa is part of a game. But I don’t know where Wufei is.”

(just then they see wufei tripping out of the exit to quatre’s happy bunny land, shaking with tears in his eyes)

Wufei: “Evil! Pure, pure evil!”

Quatre: “There you are, Wufei!”

Wufei: “AHH!!” *backs away* “Stay away from me!”

Quatre: “What’s wrong?”

Wufei: *points to the ride* “Have you been in there?”

Quatre: “No, why?”

Wufei: *shudders* “Evil! Evil, evil, evil! Oh, the injustice! That ride is weak!”

Duo: “Um, yeah.”

Heero: “I will destroy you. Your ride mocked me.”

Wufei: *laughs* “Oh yeah! Now *that’s* a ride!”

Quatre: “Hey, you guys, I don’t think we’ve been on that ride yet.”

(all the pilots turn to look at a ride that’s called ‘master the zero system’)

Heero: “Been there, done that.”

Quatre: “Let’s go!”

(they all get on. meanwhile, 3 young people walk by. one is followed by a weird yellow mouse thing)

Ash: *park map is upside down* “I think I finally found the way to Varidieon City!”

Brock: “Ash, this is a theme park. We’re no where *near* Varidieon City.”

Misty: “You’re so stupid, Ash.”

Ash: “I’m not stupid! And how come no one wants to battle me here, but they all keep running up and trying to pet Pikachu like they’ve never seen one!”

Pikachu: *twitch* “Pika—chu…”

Brock: “Come to think of it, I haven’t seen *any* Pokemon here.”

Misty: “Me neither.”

Ash: “No Pokemon, huh?” *gasp* “You know what that must mean!”

Everyone: “Team Rocket!”

(they run off just as the gundam pilots come out of the ride looking pale, and shaking, well, except heero)

Heero: “Now *that* was a ride.”

Quatre: *trembling* “So cold….”

Wufei: *in a trance* “Wufei will beat them. Wufei will beat them. Wufei will beat them…”

Duo: *stumbling* “It’ll be okay, buddy. We’ll make it through. The great destroyer will be back again! Wait, no the god of death! Who am I anymore?!” *sobs*

Heero: *blinks* “Are you guys okay? You seem a little…disturbed.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back at loser land, there is crowd of people in auntie scarlet’s home cookin’ restaurant. there are 2  guys sitting at the counter, and they’re drunk)

Guy 1: “Know what I think?”

Guy 2: “What?”

Guy 1: “Democracy….is cool.”

Guy 2: “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. Democracy is awesome!!”

Guy 1: “Yeah, high five me, bro!”

(they go to high five, but miss, and one falls on his face onto the floor)

Someone nearby: “Look at those two. You can tell they like democracy because they’re drunk.”

(one of the drunk guys takes a ball throws it at the head of some guy with long red hair. then scarlet comes out of the kitchen)

Scarlet: “Boy, I’ve been busy today.”

Customer: “Hey, lady! I found this rubber thing in my food!”

Scarlet: “Rubber thing?” *goes over and looks* “Oh, whoops!” *picks it out* “There you go!”

(nida comes in, pouting)

Nida: “Hey, whore.”

Scarlet: *throws out the…uh…item* “Hey, jackass. Why the long face?”

Nida: “My movie was waaaaaaaaaaaay too good for the stupid guests.”

Scarlet: “Yeah, I’m sure *that’s* the problem.”

Nida: “Get me something to eat.”

Scarlet: “Ask nicely!”

Nida: “Go now, whore!”

Scarlet: “Fine, but I’m charging you double!” *goes into the back*

(hojo and kuja come in)

Kuja: “Hojo, let go of my hand.”

Hojo: “No, darling, because then you might go back to that hall of mirrors and never return.”

Kuja: “Can I help it if I like to gaze upon my beauty?”

Hojo: “You can look at your reflection in one of the plates.”

(they sit at the counter, away from nida)

Random Guy: *to hojo* “Hey, buddy, your girlfriend’s hot.”

Hojo: *sweat drops* “Uh…um…oh…thanks? I think…”

Kuja: *too busy looking at his reflection in a glass of water*

(scarlet comes out with nida’s food and drops it in front of him)

Nida: “Thanks, whore.”

Scarlet: “I hope you choke on it.”

Hojo: “Hey, Scarlet.”

Scarlet: *goes over* “What is it?”

Hojo: “How’s business?”

Scarlet: “Oh, I am *very* busy.”

Hojo: “That’s good… I think…”

(heidegger comes in)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m starved!”

Hojo: “You’re hungry? I don’t see how you could be! After all you ate everything else that wasn’t food!”

Nida: “EWWWWWW!!!!!!!! Scarlet, you whore!! Look what I found in my food!!” *picks up his fork with the same…um…rubber object the other guy found*

Scarlet: *sweat drops* “Um, whoops?”

Hojo: *head in his hands* “Why do I see a going out of business sign going up in the near future?”

Kuja: “Will I be able to see my reflection in it?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back to the other park….twilight’s looking annoyed and alone at his stand)

Twilight: *mutters* “Stupid kid thinks he’s so freakin’ smart with his stupid knowledge and his stupid numbers.”

(the same kid from before and his mother return)

Child: “Hi hi!”

Twilight: “Back for more, eh? I bet I can guess your age this time!”

Child: “I already told you how old I was!”

Twilight: *garden snap* “*And* he has a memory! It’s just not fair!”

Child: “Opal taught me the alphabet!”

Twilight: “Oh really? She’s teaching me too! What letter did you get up to?”

Child: “I learned the whole thing!”

Twilight: “What?! It’s been 5 months and I’m only up to M!”

Child: “And I learned it all in twenty minutes!”

Twilight: “You know *time* too!?!” *head in his hands* “This world is so unfair!”

Child: “Wanna hear it?”

Twilight: *bitterly* “No.”

Child: *proudly* “A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z!”

Twilight: “Didn’t I say *no*?!”

Child: *happily* “Now, backwards!! Z, Y, X, W—”

Twilight: “Stop it, stop it, stop it!!!! Stop showing off!!!”

Child: *chin trembles* “Mommy! He’s mean!!” *runs to his mother*

Mother: “Now, now.” *goes over to twilight and says quietly* “You know, things didn’t work out with Rides…so…if you’re interested…”

Twilight: “Ew, no!”

Mother: *insulted* “Fine! Let’s go, son!” *drags him off*

Twilight: *pouts*

Opal: *comes over* “Hi, Twilight!”

Twilight: “Oh, well if it isn’t Miss Alphabet.”

Opal: *blinks* “What?”

Twilight: “I’m feeling dumb right now!”

Opal: “Aw…Twily…” *hugs him* “You know, that kid might know the alphabet, but he can’t use the Force…”

Twilight: *brightens* “Hey, that’s right! I could still kick his puny alphabet reciting ass!”

Opal: “Oh dear… Twilight…”

(meanwhile, back at the chocobo races…)

Rufus: *banging his head on the counter* “It’s not fair!!! It’s just not fair!!!”

Yuffie: “You’re not very good at this.”

Rufus: “I *know*.” *sighs* “All right, that’s it.”

Yuffie: “Good. Walk away while you have something left.”

Rufus: “No, I’m not done! I meant all right, that’s it, it’s time to get serious.”

Yuffie: *head in her hands* “I sense disaster.”

Rufus: “I’m betting everything on black! That black chocobo is due, I tell ya!”

Yuffie: “All right, Rufus, if that’s what you think…”

Rufus: “It is what I think!” *puts money down and frowns* “What the…” *sniffs the air and looks down* “Oh no! I stepped in chocobo crap again!!!!” *looks around* “Where’s that janitor?”

(meanwhile, jake drags himself back to where Lizzie is still throwing knives at trowa while Katie nervously watches)

Katie: “You know, Lizzie, you’re supposed to pay to play that game.”

Lizzie: “I’m your friend. I don’t need to pay.”

Katie: “Um, I don’t think that passes…”

Jake: *breathing heavily* “Boy, this park is big. It’s a long walk from the chocobo races to here.”

Katie: “Jake!” *hugs him*

Jake: *smiles and hugs her* “But this makes it worth it*

Trowa: “Good work, Lizzie! You almost cut my finger off!”

Katie: “Watch his fingers, Lizzie!”

Lizzie: “Don’t worry, Trowa, I’ll get it next time.”

Katie: “No you won’t!”

(the intercom comes on)

Rufus’ voice: “Jake, you better come back to the chocobo races on the double. I stepped in some more crap. Don’t forget the toothbrush!”

(intercom goes off)

Jake: *shudders* “Oh no. Not again.”

Katie: “Aw, poor Jakey…”

Trowa: “Oh yes! Delicious pain!!”

Katie: “Havefunbye!” *runs to trowa* “Trowa, no!!”

Jake: *plods away* “Here I go again…”

(meanwhile, back to elena in her gift shop….she has a few strands of seph’s hair lined up and bunch of dolls surrounding her)

Elena: *sticks in a pin with a piece of hair attached to it* “This is fun!”

(back at the palace of yaoi)

Sephiroth: *grabs his arm* “Ow! What the hell…”

Vincent: “Are you all right, my angel?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, but that’s like the second time that’s happened today.”

Lark: “Maybe you better relax awhile. You can sit in my chair.” *gets up*

Sephiroth: “Thanks, Lark.” *sits*

Lark: *sits on his lap* “See? Perfect?”

Sephiroth: *sweat drops* “Yeah, almost.”

(treize and zechs wander in)

Treize: “Ah ha! See, I told you.”

Zechs: “It’s too good to be true!”

Lark: “Hey, guys!”

Treize: “Ah, Lark, hello!” *kisses her hand* “Lovely store you have here.”

Zechs: “Yes… Very lovely.”

Lark: “Feel free to look around.” *picks up her fake manga to read*

Sephiroth: *reads over her shoulder*

Vincent: *reading a sephxvincent doujinshi*

(reeve and tseng are both reading their new doujinshi’s…with them in it)

Reeve: *eyes widen* “Whoa. I can’t *believe* you just said that.”

Tseng: *points to something in it* “I can’t believe you just *did* that.”

(treize and zechs are looking at separate things across the room)

Treize: *reading something* “Zechs, I better not catch you reading anything with the pilots in it.”

Zechs: *puts down what he was reading* “Of course not, Treize.”

(just then dee and ryo enter, though ryo looks pretty unwilling)

Dee: “Come on, Ryo.”

Ryo: “I really don’t think you need any more ideas, Dee.”

Dee: “No, but you do.”

Lark: *looks up* “I know those names.” *spots the guys and her jaw hits the ground* “Oh. My. God.”

Sephiroth: *trying to see* “What? What?!”

Lark: *looks at the manga and then up again* “Wow! It really is them!”

(dee drags ryo up the counter)

Dee: “Hello there.” *grins*

Lark: “Hi!! Omg, you’re the guys from Fake! I love you! I’m Lark, and this is Sephiroth! I was just reading about you guys! Well, I was looking at the pictures anyway.” *holds up volume 7 of fake*

Ryo: *hand to his head* “Oh no. Not that one.”

Dee: *still grinning* “That’s my favorite one! Anyway, do you have any more copies, Lark? My friend could use some ideas.”

Ryo: *shakes his head*

Lark: “Sure!!” *takes one out* “Here, you can have this one on me.” *hands it to them*

Sephiroth: “You sure are giving out a lot of free stuff, Lark.”

Lark: *shrugs* “Rufus has a ton of money anyway.”

(just then, rufus comes through the door, sobbing)

Rufus: “I’m broke!”

Sephiroth: “Well he *had* a ton anyway.”

Lark: “What? What happened?”

Rufus: “I lost all the money at the chocobo races! I’m done for!!” *sniff* “I need a hug.”

Lark: *hugs rufus* “Rufus! I can’t believe you, of all people, has a gambling problem!”

Rufus: “Now I have to sell the park!” *sob*

Sephiroth: “Good. I wanted to be the planet, not a theme park.”

Dee: “Hey, did you say you’re gonna sell this place?”

Ryo: “Dee…”

Rufus: *sniff* “Yeah, why?”

Dee: “My partner and I will buy it off you!”

Ryo: “We will?”

Rufus: “You will?!”

Dee: “Sure! I got a few ideas up my sleeve.”

Ryo: “I don’t wanna know.”

Dee: “I’ll give you whatever you paid for it.”

Ryo: “Dee, where are you going to get this money?”

Dee: “I have a lot of money you don’t know about, Ryo.”

Rufus: “Sold.”

(they shake on it)

Lark: “Well, there goes to Sephiroth Land.”

Vincent: “I have to say I’m disappointed.”

Tseng: “I’m not.”

Reeve: “Me neither:”

Rufus: “Oh well, we’ll always have the theme song.”

Tseng: “Oh, by the way, Rufus, I have a present for you.” *hands him doujinshi*

Rufus: “Oh, that’s nice of you, Tseng, after I emotionally scarred you and all.” *looks at it* “Oh look! I’m on the cover!!” *opens it and his eyes nearly come out of his head* “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT AM I DOING TO RENO!?!?!”

Zechs: “Can I see that when you’re done?”

Treize: “No you can’t!!”

Zechs: *garden snap*

Rufus: “I–I–I–” *is in shock*

Reeve: “Tseng, I think you emotionally scarred him.”

Tseng: “What goes around comes around.”

Sephiroth: “You know, I could have thought of a better theme song for this place.” *sings* “Sephiroth land, Sephiroth land, kick your ass, yes he can! Cause it’s Sephiroth, Sephiroth land.”

Lark: “Rufus, dear, you have to read that backwards, dear.” *snickers*

(just then reno comes in, looking quite annoyed)

Reno: “Today sucked! Nothing’s gone my way!” *pouts*

Rufus: “AH!!! RENO!!!” *drops the doujinshi and runs out*

Reno: “What was that about? What’s this?” *picks it up*

Everyone: *sweat drops*

Reno: *opens it and his eyes get really wide* “Well, at least *someone* wanted to bang Reno.”

THE END

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