#56 – Men Start at 1.50

Twilight: “Wow! There are a lot of desperate girls!”

Originally Published: ?? . 31 pages

When the phone bill is insanely high, Lark decides to teach the boys a lesson by auctioning them off to the highest bidder!

Ramble Milestones
-That guy Jake makes his first appearance.

You can tell by the original file name on this ramble that this ramble was supposed to be about something else entirely – an anime convention, actually. But that idea just wasn’t working so I just wrote this nonsense instead. That only happened a few times over the history of the rambles. Despite how silly this ramble is, it’s still fairly amusing – especially Shell’s treatment of both Rude and JT. I also wonder what the hell the gil to dollar ratio is, considering we’re handing over thousands of gil for these guys. We also meet Jake in this ramble, where he shows up as the telephone repairman. Of all the original characters I ever created for the rambles, he was far and away the most useless. His specific function was just to get with Katie, and he really had no other purpose.

(rufus, and sephiroth are strangely enough the only ones in the ramble room. sephiroth is leafing through the paper and rufus is doing the same when lark comes in)

Lark: *cheerily* “Good morning!”

Sephiroth and Rufus: *mutter mangled replies*

Lark: *frowns* “Well excuse me for being nice.” *goes over to the phone*

Rufus: *frantically* “Wait, Lark! You’re not going to use the phone, are you?”

Lark: *hand poised over the receiver* “Yeah….why?”

Rufus: “Uh… You don’t wanna do that!”

Lark: “Why not?”

Rufus: “You just don’t.”

Lark: *laughs* “You’re silly, Rufus!” *picks up phone*

Rufus: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” *dives and tries to stop her*

Lark: *jaw drops* “Why isn’t the phone working?”

Rufus: *freezes* I have no idea why it would not be functioning properly. And I was not at all acting suspicious as though I knew something either. In fact I think I should leave right now and spread the message of peace and….uh…goodness.” *goes for the door but seph’s blocking it with an evil grin* “Aw, dammit.”

Lark: “RUFUS! What happened to the phone?!” *glares*

Rufus: *gulps and says meekly* “I…um…forgot to pay the bill.”

Lark: “Nani!?”

Sephiroth: “Let me kill him! He deserves to die!”

Rufus: “Well maybe if *I* didn’t have to pay *all* of them, I wouldn’t forget!” *glares back*

Sephiroth: “Kill! Kill!”

Lark: “Hmm…”

Sephiroth: *taking out masamune* “I’ll chop his pretty little head off first. Maybe you could sell it on eBay.”

Lark: “You have a point.”

Sephiroth and Rufus: *look at her* “Who, me?”

Lark: “You have a point, Rufus. I do make you pay all the bills. That’s not fair.”

Sephiroth: “Who says anything has to be fair?”

Lark: “Rufus, go get the phone bill and gather everyone please.”

Rufus: “All right.” *runs past sephiroth* “Spare my life!!” *leaves*

Lark: *thoughtfully* “You gave me an idea too, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: *brightens* “About selling severed heads on eBay?”

Lark: “Um… Not quite, dear. We’ll see how our little meeting goes…”

(all the ramble guys have been gathered for the meeting. they’re all sitting around talking and wondering why they’re there. lark comes up to the front with a very long bill in her hand)

Lark: “A*hem*.”

(all the guys shut up)

Lark: *smiling sweetly* “Okay, everyone, I would like to discuss a little something called the phone bill with you.”

Reno: *whispers to rude* “Oh no! Not the phone bill! You know she always gets like a nazi over it!”

Lark: “Let’s go over some of these calls, shall we?” *scans down the list* “Seems someone has been making an awful lot of calls to Shinra….” *looks up*

Everyone: *looks at rufus*

Rufus: “It wasn’t me. And even if it was, who cares?! I pay the phone bill!!”

Everyone: *looks at tseng*

Tseng: *hangs head* “Oh man.”

Lark: “Tsengy, do you *really* need to call Reeve that much? There’s twenty gil worth of calls here!!”

Tseng: “You can’t prove they were to Reeve!”

Lark: *points to the bill* “That’s his office extension.”

Tseng: “Aw, shi–“

Lark: “Tseng!”

Tseng: “Sorry…”

Lark: “Let’s see what else we have here.” *looks down the list* “Ah, yes. Fifty gil worth of calls to different phone sex hot lines.”

Everyone: *looks at reno and irvine*

Irvine: “Uh…we’ve been busted.”

Reno: “Big time.”

Lark: “I don’t believe you two! As if it wasn’t bad enough with the movies and the magazines! You have to call these seedy hot lines?!”

Reno: “Hey, we were hooked up with hot chicks from all over the world!”

Irvine: “I think one was actually a man…”

Reno: *nudges him* “Shut *up*, man!”

Lark: *sighs and shakes her head* “Let’s see what else…. There are countless calls to Garden, a bunch more to Nibelheim, Esthar, Midgar, Balamb, Galbadia, and Rocket Town, and a few unexplained ones to the Honey Bee Inn and Fisherman’s Horizon that I don’t wanna know about, but the point is that you *guys* have been the ones using the phone and *not* the girls!”

Zell: “My mom makes me call her!”

Cid: “$#@^$&#$&**@!”

Barret: “You tell her, yo!”

Laguna: “Hey hey! I have to make sure Esthar’s in tip top shape!”

Lark: “I don’t care. The point is, you guys have been making all these calls and poor Rufus has been paying for all of them.” *points to rufus*

Sephiroth: “No one feels for Rufus.”

Barret: “Damn straight! He’s rollin’ around in money!”

Rufus: “Even so! I’m rolling around in less of it because of you mooches!”

Lark: “Anyway, I’m not going to make all of you fork over money to pay for these calls…”

Guys: *sighs of relief*

Lark: “…I have a better idea.”

Guys: *sweat drops*

Lark: “I’m going to make you guys pay in a different way. The girls are going to pay for *you*. I’m holding a bachelor auction, and all you guys are going to be up for bid.”

Guys: “Nani?!?!?!”

Reno: *hand to his head* “Oh *man*! I never thought I would have to go through *this* again…”

Vincent: “Um… May I ask what will happen to us after the girls…um…purchase us?”

Lark: *shrugs* “They can do whatever they want with you.”

JT: “I’m not sure I like this idea…”

Lark: “Don’t bother protesting, cause it’s too late for that. We’re having a bachelor auction tomorrow and that’s final.”

Tseng: “Hey…um…we can’t…um…bid for guys, can we?”

Lark: “No.”

Tseng: *garden snap*

Rufus: “I’m not going to be up for bid, am I, Lark? After all, I paid the bills all those times…”

Lark: “Yeah, but you forget to pay it this time. So you’re going to be sold too.”

Rufus: *sweat drops*

Lark: “Hmmm… I do need a host though… Someone who no girl would want to buy…”

(as if on cue, twilight comes in with opal)

Twilight: “Hey, everyone! It’s me! Twilight the almighty great one!”

Opal: “Twilight, I thought I told you *not* to announce your arrival that way!”

Lark: “Twilight! Of course! You’re perfect!”

Twilight: “Of course I am!” *grins*

Lark: “Twily, we’re having a bachelor auction tomorrow, and I want you to be the host.”

Twilight: “Why can’t I be part of the auction? I’m a handsome young bachelor!”

Opal: “No you’re not, Twilight. You’re taken.”

Twilight: *frowns* “Hey, Opal. You don’t have to get all possessive on me.”

Lark: “So come on, Twilight. Will ya do it?”

Twilight: *deep in thought* “Well…. I have nothing better to do, so, why not?!”

Lark: “You never have anything to do, Twilight.”

Twilight: “Sure I….. Okay, I don’t.”

Lark: *grins* “This is gonna be so much fun.”

Guys: *lots and lots and lots of sweat drops*

(the next morning…lark, shell, Noelle, Ashley, Lizzie, Katie, opal, elena, rinoa, quistis, yuffie, tifa, selphie and scarlet are all in the ramble room)

Lark: “They’re almost done setting up. Then it’s time to bid, girls!” *grins*

Elena: “Do you accept credit cards?”

Lark: “Sure!”

Elena: “Hell yes!” *grins*

Ashley: “I have one question.”

Lark: “Shoot.”

Ashley: “Why is *Scarlet* here?”

Lark: “To teach the guys to think twice before making so many phone calls.”

Noelle: “I just have to say that no one better bid on my Reno!”

Ashley: “No one wants him.”

Noelle: “Shut up, Ashley!”

Twilight: *pokes his head in* “Hey, ladies! We’re ready to start!”

Lark: “Okay, Twily, we’ll be there in a minute.”

Twilight: “Stop calling me that.” *leaves*

Lark: *turns to everyone* “I just have to say one thing before we go out there.”

Lizzie: “What?”

Lark: “No one had better bid on Sephiroth. You bid on him, you’re hangin’ with the losers for a week.”

Scarlet: “Hey!”

Katie: “No Sephiroth?! But why, Lark?! You don’t like him!!”

Lark: “Just don’t!” *smiles sweetly* “Okay, let’s go.”

(the girls go outside to the backyard where a stage has been set up. there’s a mic on it. as soon as the girls are ready, twilight steps out in a top hat and grabs the mic)

Twilight: “Hey, ladies! Welcome to the ramble room’s first annual bachelor auction! Unfortunately for you, I’m the cutest guy you’ll see!”

Opal: *giggles*

Twilight: “Now, here are the rules. The guys go to the highest bidder. You get to keep him for 24 hours and do whatever you want with him. And I mean *anything*.” *winks*

Opal: “Ew! Twilight! Stop being perverse!”

Twilight: “But let’s get on with the show! Our first bachelor is blond, he’s dumb, and he has no idea what’s going on. Please welcome, or boo for all I care, Cloud Strife!”

(cloud comes out, looking very confused)

Cloud: “Huh? Where am I? The crater?”

(twilight drags him over center stage)

Twilight: “What do I have for this paperweight, ladies? If you get him drunk, he can act normal! So I hear, anyway. He’s a pretty crappy catch. Let’s start the bidding at a gil.”

Tifa: “A gil!”

Noelle: “5 gil!”

Tifa: “15 gil!!”

Noelle: “30 gil!!”

Twilight: *sarcastically* “Ooh. Big money. Come on, ladies!” *studies cloud frantically* “He’s…uh…got blue eyes!”

Cloud: “I do?”

Tifa: “100 gil!”

Twilight: “That’s more like it!”

Noelle: “150 gil!”

Yuffie: “200 gil!”

Tifa: “You stay out of this, Yuffie! 300 gil!”

Noelle: “350!”

Yuffie: “450 and a cure materia!”

Twilight: “Materia is not accepted!”

Yuffie: “500 then!”

Tifa: *frantically going through her pockets* “3,452 gil!”

Noelle: “Geez. I have to save my money for Reno.”

Yuffie: “I’d rather spend my money on materia.”

Twilight: “Going once, going twice……………………….sold to hoebag for a really big number!”

Tifa: *frowns* “I’m not a hoebag.” *grins* “Yay! I won! I won Cloud!”

Twilight: “Come collect your paperweight and come pay the cashier.”

Cloud: “Huh?”

Twilight: *shoving him* “Go over there, dumb ass.”

(nida’s the cashier)

Nida: *whines* “I don’t know why I’m the cashier! I should be up there! I’m hot!”

Twilight: “Or whatever, buddy. Just take hoebag’s money and let’s go.”

Tifa: “I’m not a hoebag!” *pays nida and collects cloud*

Twilight: “Our next bachelor comes from FF8. He’s quiet, he’s blue eyed, and he hates being the leader. Please welcome, Squall Leonhart!”

Squall: *comes out frowning* “Whatever.”

Twilight: “For some reason girls really go for him, so let’s start the bidding at 400 gil.”

Rinoa: “400 gil!”

Quistis: “600!”

Rinoa: “700!!!”

Quistis: “900!”

Rinoa: “Back off, bitch! 1000 gil!”

Quistis: “Bite me! 2000!”

Twilight: “Whoa! Cat fight!”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Rinoa: “3000!”

Quistis: “4000!”

Rinoa: “I bet you stole all that money!”

Quistis: “Did not!”

Twilight: “Going once…”

Rinoa: “6000!”

Quistis: *searching through her purse* “Sh*t! Stupid crackwhore!”

Rinoa: *laughs*

Twilight: “Going twice…”

Quistis: “Damn!”

Twilight: “Sold to his girlfriend the crackwhore for 6000 gil!”

Rinoa: “Whoo hoo!!” *goes to pay nida*

Twilight: “Not bad, Squall. Your girlfriend must really like you! I’d hang onto her, considering you’re probably too good for her!” *laughs*

Squall: “Whatever, jerk.”

Nida: *to rinoa* “You know, I’m hotter than Squall. Plus I drive the Garden.”

Rinoa: *shoving nida aside* “Shut up, jerk! Squall!” *hugs squall*

Twilight: “The next bachelor is ugly, he’s a drunk, and he’s a jerk too.”

Noelle: “Ugh, who could that be?”

Twilight: “His name is Reno.”

Noelle: “Reno’s not ugly! And he’s not a jerk!”

Reno: *coming out* “Hey! That was a crappy intro, Twilight!”

Twilight: “Hey, crappy guys get crappy intros. And crappy starting prices. Do I hear 5 gil?”

Noelle: “5 gil!”


Twilight: “Come on, people! He’s not *that*….” *looks reno* “Yes he is.”

Reno: “Hey!”


Reno: “Come on! Doesn’t anyone else want me?”


Twilight: *laughing* “Going once, twice, sold to the desperate girl!”

Noelle: “Hey!” *pause* “Oh well. Whoo hoo!” *goes to pay for reno*

Reno: *pouts* “Can’t believe I went so cheap…”

Twilight: “Glad that’s over with. Next welcome, or don’t, the loud mouth jerk we all love to hate, Zell Dincht!”

Zell: *punching air* “Hey! You’re mean, Twilight! You suck!”

Twilight: “Do I hear 5 gil for this fraternity reject?”

Zell: *still flipping out* “Fratrenity reject?!”

Selphie: “5 gil!”

Quistis: “10!”

Reno: *hand to his head* “Oh *man*! *Zell* is going to sell for more than me!”

Selphie: “20 gil!”

Quistis: “70!”

Twilight: “Wow! There are a lot of desperate girls!”

Selphie: “100!”

Quistis: “200!”

Ashley: “Not bidding on Zell, Lark?”

Lark: “Nope.”

Ashley: “Okay…”

Selphie: “350!”

Quistis: “500!”

Selphie: “Oh poop! You outbid me!”

Twilight: “Once, twice, sold to the desperate blond with the glasses!”

Zell: “Yo, thanks for buying me, Quistis!”

Quistis: “Ha ha, Rinoa! I got his best friend!”

Rinoa: “Zell sucks!”

Zell: “I’m right here….” *sniff*

Quistis: “I like you, Zell. Don’t listen to crackwhore.”

Twilight: “Next we have another Turk. He’s cute, he’s sweet and he’s at the wrong kind of auction. Next up for bids we have Tseng!”

Tseng: *gulp*

Elena: “All right!!”

Twilight: “We’ll start at 200 on him.”

Elena: “300 gil!”

Tseng: “Oh no.”

Lark: “450.”

Elena: “Lark?!”

Tseng: *look of relief*

Elena: “1000!”

Lark: “3000.”

Twilight: “Wow! I didn’t think a gay guy would be so popular.”

Tseng: “Shut up!”

Elena: “5000!”

Lark: “6000.”

Elena: “10,000!”

Tseng: “Oh crap.”

Lark: “15,000.”

Twilight: “They’re outta their minds!!”

Elena: “15,000?! Well I bid 16,000!”

Lark: “17,000.”

Elena: *frowns* “Oh no! My credit limit is 16,000!”

Twilight: “Going once…”

Elena: “I hate you, Lark!”

Twilight: “Going twice.”

Elena: “I can’t believe it!”

Tseng: *grins from ear to ear*

Twilight: “Sold to Lark, who’s out of her mind for 17,000 gil.”

(lark goes to pay for him)

Tseng: “Thanks, Lark. You saved me.”

Lark: “Don’t mention it, sweetie.”

Twilight: “Next is everyone’s favorite cowboy geek, the one, the only, the annoying, Irvine!”

Irvine: *tips hat* “Howdy, y’all.”

Girls: *swoon*

Twilight: “Do I hear 500, ladies? I bet he has rope on him!”

Katie: “500!!!!”

Selphie: “550!”

Katie: “650!”

Ashley: “Not bidding on *Irvine*, Lark?”

Lark: “Nope.”

Selphie: “1000!”

Katie: “3500!”

Selphie: “5000!”

Katie: “7500!”

Twilight: “Come on, ladies! He’s worth more than that! Come on, Irvine. Flex your muscles. Wait till I cover my eyes.” *covers his eyes*

Irvine: *flexes his muscles*

Girls: *swoon*

Selphie: “10,000!”

Lark: “He’s #$%^ing hot.”

Ashley: “Why aren’t you bidding on him?”

Lark: “Why aren’t you?”

Katie: *going frantically through her purse* “15,784 gil!”

Selphie: *gasp* “Oh poop again!”

Twilight: “One, two, three sold to the weird girl with the long hair!”

Katie: “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!” *goes to pay for irvine*

Noelle: “I’m a little surprised at you, Lark.”

Ashley: “Yeah. Why’d you buy Tseng?”

Lark: “Hey! I love Tsengy!” *hugs tseng*

Shell: “This is boring.” *puts on headphones and takes out a crossword puzzle*

Twilight: “Next we have the last Turk. He’s bald and the only reason why anyone would want him is because he’s a total pushover, clap or boo for Rude!”

Lizzie: *nudges shell* “Shell, it’s your guy.”

Shell: *singing along to her walkman* “She turned away what was she lookin’ at? She was a sour girl the day that she met me…”

Rude: “………………..”

Twilight: “Since he has no hair, I’m taking off for that. I do hear he’s good at everything though.” *wink*

Opal: “Twilight, stop it!”

Twilight: “100 gil, anyone?”


Lizzie: *nudges shell again* “Shell!”

Shell: *singing* “Say, what are you looking at? I was a simple man but looks are deceiving…”

Twilight: “Come on, ladies! He’s *good at everything*. Where’s Shell?”

Rude: “………………..hmn.”

Scarlet: “100 gil!!!”

Girls: *gasp*

Lizzie: *frantically nudging shell* “Shell! Scarlet bid on Rude!”

Shell: *singing* “What would you do…. What would you do if I followed you…”

Twilight: *shrugs* “All right, fine. I ain’t got all day. Sold to the slut in the red dress for 100 gil.”

Rude: *gulp*

Scarlet: “Kya haa haa! Yes!” *goes to pay for rude*

Nida: “Come on, Scarlet! I’m better than him!”

Scarlet: “Can it, kid.”

Lizzie: “Shell!” *takes headphones off shell* “Shell! Scarlet bought Rude!”

Shell: *shrugs* “I’ll get him later.”

Lizzie: “But she *bought* him! She gets him for 24 hours, remember?”

Shell: “I said I’ll get him later!” *puts headphones back on*

Twilight: “Next we have the totally annoying President of Esthar, Laguna Loire!”

Laguna: *trips out* “Hey hey! I’m President of Esthar!”

Twilight: “I’ll take pity on you, ladies, cause I know I sure as hell wouldn’t want to put up with him! 50 gil? Is that too much?”

Selphie: “50 gil!”

Lizzie: “Ew! What does that bitch think she’s doing?! 150 gil!”

Selphie: “400!”

Lizzie: *glaring at selphie* “600!”

Laguna: “Hey hey! I’m Mr. Popularity!”

Twilight: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, that’s it.”

Selphie: “1,500!!!”

Lizzie: *still glaring* “3,000!”

Selphie: “4,500!”

Lizzie: “Back off, bitch! 6,000!”

Laguna: “Hey hey! Wow!”

Selphie: “Oh poop again!”

Twilight: “Once, twice and sold to the blond bitch for 6,000 gil.”

Laguna: “Hey, hey! All right!”

Twilight: “Okay, okay. Next up is the two for the price of one special. Lark figured these two wouldn’t sell seperately, so she’s hoping that some sucker’ll buy ’em both. They’re ugly, old and weird, go ahead and boo Cid Highwind and Barret Wallace!”

Noelle: “Hey! Who wouldn’t want to buy them?! They’re cool!”

Twilight: “Do I hear 5 gil?”

Cid: “@#%@#^@&$#%@^@&#%^*#*!”

Barret: “Yo! Cid’s, right, foo! We’re worth more than 5 gil!”

Noelle: “5 gil!”

Twilight: “Apparently not. Going once, going twice, sold to the really desperate chick for 5 gil!”

Barret: “Oh man! This sucks! 5 gil?!”

Cid: “@#$@#^@%&@!”

Barret: “You said it, man!”

Twilight: “Next up is another 2 for one deal. Two more rejects that follow their President all damn day, Kiros and Ward!”

Kiros: “Ward says this is degrading!”

Twilight: “Ugh! You guys’ll be lucky to go for one gil.”

Kiros: “Ward says you’re ugly, stick boy!”

Twilight: *eyes flash* “STICK BOY?!” *reaches for lightsaber*

Opal: “Play nice, Twilight!”

Twilight: *sighs* “Fine. I’ll spare their puny lives for now. Do I hear a gil?”


Kiros: “Ward says you all suck!”

Ward: “…………………!” *hits kiros*

Laguna: “Come on, Lizzie! Buy my friends!”

Lizzie: “Nah.”

Rinoa: “I feel bad for them.”

Squall: “Don’t do it, Rinoa. I’m begging you.”

Twilight: *taps foot* “Come on! We don’t have a reject pile!”

Selphie: “One gil!”

Twilight: “All right! I’m not even gonna bother. Sold to the *really* desperate chick for a gil!”

Selphie: “Yippee! I won!” *bounces over*

Twilight: “Next is a creepy kind of guy. Some say he’s vampire, but I say he’s pretty cool, put your hands together for Vincent Valentine!”

Vincent: “………..Hello.”

Twilight: “How about 200 gil?”

Lark: “1000 gil.”

Ashley: “Lark?”

Twilight: “Hey, great! That was fast! Sold to Lark for a 1000 gil.”

Noelle: “Lark’s buying all the weird ones.”

Vincent: “Thank you, Lark.”

Lark: “No problem, cutie.”

Twilight: “Next on my list….” *grins* “‘Course, I don’t have a list, but if I did, the next name on it would be Seifer Almasy’s.”

Seifer: *comes out flexing his muscles*

Ashley: “10,000 gil!” *faints*

Seifer: “Ashley! Give the other girls a chance to think they have a chance!”

Twilight: “Anyone wanna beat 10,000 gil?”

Girls: *blink*

Twilight: “Sold to the fainted girl for 10,000 gil.”

Katie: “Wake up, Ashley! You won!”

Ashley: *comes back* “All right!”

Seifer: *pouting* “That kinda sucked.”

Twilight: “Our next bachelor is whiny, blond and rich as hell. He’s Rufus Shinra.”

Rufus: *pouting* “Sucks to be me.”

Twilight: “Do I hear 500 gil for the rich guy?”

Scarlet: “700 gil!”

Rufus: *eyes wide* “Ah! Someone else bid! Hurry!!”

Noelle: “800 gil.”

Katie: “900!!”

Scarlet: “1000!”

Ashley: “Lark…you’re not bidding on *Rufus*?!”

Lark: “Nope.”

Ashley: *feels her forehead* “Are you sure you’re not still sick?”

Lark: “Ashley! I’m fine!”

Noelle: “2000!”

Katie: “3500!”

Elena: *out of nowhere* “16,000!”

Scarlet: “Eh, he ain’t worth that much.”

Noelle: “Hmm… Rufus… Or booze….” *looks at reno*

Noelle and Reno: “Booze.”

Katie: *pouts* “I spent all my money on Irvine.”

Irvine: “I’ll be worth it!”

Twilight: “Sold to the blond chick who wanted the gay guy for 16,000!”

Tseng: “Stop announcing it!”

Elena: “Ha ha, Lark! I have Rufus!”

Lark: “I didn’t even bid on him.”

Elena: “I have Rufus!”

Rufus: *sigh* “Well, it could have been Scarlet.”

Twilight: “Well, he’s not from an FF game, but some girls think he’s cute and junk I guess.” *shrugs* “Next up is JT.”

JT: “Um…hi.”

Twilight: “How about 20 gil for him?”

Scarlet: “20!”

Noelle: “Over my dead body! 100!”

Ashley: “200!!”

Scarlet: “1,000!”

Twilight: “Geez. What do they know that I don’t?”

Noelle: “2,000!”

Ashley: “4,000!”

Scarlet: “10,000!”

Shell: *looks up from her crossword puzzle* “Oh yeah! 64,000 man!”

Noelle: “Wha?!”

Ashley: “Huh?”

Scarlet: “Sh*t!”

Twilight: “Our biggest bid yet! Going once, going twice, sold to Shell for 64,000 gil!”

Shell: *headphones still on* “Huh? Why is everyone looking at me?”

Lark: “Take off your headphones.”

Shell: *takes them off* “What’d I do?”

Noelle: “You bought JT.”

Shell: “I did *WHAT*?!”

Ashley: “You bought JT for 64,000 gil.”

Shell: “Son of a b! 64,000 gil! But I was just doing my crossword! I didn’t see what was going on!! And I didn’t hear either, cause of the headphones!”

Twilight: “Too bad. You bought it, you….bought it.”

Shell: “Oh man! I don’t want skanky slutbag!”

JT: “What did you call me?”

Shell: *sigh* “Rude, I need 64,000 gil.”

Rude: “But you didn’t even buy me, Shell.”

Shell: “Rude, the money.”

(rude sighs and hands her the money. shell not too happily pays for JT)

Twilight: “Next is another pathetic loser that works for Shinra.”

Tseng: *pokes lark* “It’s Reeve. You gonna bid on Reeve, Lark? Please? If you won’t, Scarlet will, and no one wants that to happen.”

Lark: “Relax, Tseng. I’ve got it covered.”

Twilight: “It’s Reeve!”

(reeve comes out looking really embarrassed)

Twilight: “You’re pathetic.”

Reeve: “Ooh…” *hangs head*

Tseng: *dreamy sigh* “Reeve’s so hot…”

Twilight: “Let’s start the bidding at 20 gil.”

Scarlet: “20 gil!”

Reeve: *lots of sweat drops*

Lark: “100 gil.”

Tseng: *happily hugging lark’s arm* “I love you, Lark.”

Scarlet: “500 gil.”

Tseng: *turning to glare at scarlet* “That bitch is trying to steal my man! Bid, Lark! Bid!”

Lark: “1,000 gil.”

Tseng: *hugs lark* “I love you, Lark.”

Lark: “I know, Tsengy.”

Scarlet: “1,500.”

Lark: *growls* “5,000!!”

Scarlet: “Eh, Reeve’s not worth that much.”

Tseng: “For your information, he’s worth *5* times that!”

Twilight: “The slut gave up, so looks like the loser goes to Lark for 5,000 gil!”

Reeve: *wipes his brow* “That was close. Thanks, Lark.”

Lark: “Don’t mention it, babe.”

Tseng: “Reeve! You’re safe!” *hugs reeve*

Twilight: *grins* “All right, we’re at the last guy now. And, as they always say, best for last. If this guy was any cooler, he’d be me. Put your hands together for Sephiroth!”

Lark: *rubs her hands together* “This one’s mine.”

Vincent: “You’re buying my angel?”

Lark: “Oh yeah.”

Tseng: *nuzzling reeve* “Lark, you like Sephiroth?”

Lark: “Hey, I got you your guy, didn’t I? No questions.”

Sephiroth: *grins* “Get ready, Twilight. I’m not going to go cheap.”

Twilight: “All right, how’s 1,000 to start?”

Scarlet: “1,000!”

Lark: *jaw drops* “What?!” *turns to scarlet and whispers harshly* “I thought I told everyone not to bid on him.”

Scarlet: *crosses arms* “Too bad.”

Lark: *sets jaw* “5,000.”

Scarlet: “10,000.”

Lark: “*15*.”

Scarlet: *casually* “20.”

Lark: “30!”

Scarlet: “40!”

Sephiroth and Twilight: *watch in shock*

Lark: “50,000!!”

Scarlet: “70,000!”

Lark: *jaw drops* “70,000?!” *goes through the cash in her pockets* “Oh no…”

Scarlet: “Kya haa haa!”

Sephiroth: “Oh no…”

Twilight: *sweat drops* “Er…going once…”

Lark: “That’s all my money! That bitch! I’m going to lose Sephiroth!” *starts crying*

Sephiroth: *starts hitting himself in the head*

Scarlet: “Kya haa haa!”

Twilight: “Going….twice…”

Lark: “Sephy!” *sobs but then feels someone putting money in her hand and looks down in shock* “Huh?” *looks up* “Vincent?”

Vincent: “Please, Lark.”

Lark: “I love you, Vincent.”

Twilight: “So—“

Lark: “100,000 gil!”

Scarlet: “Kya haa–wait, what?!”

Twilight: “Once, twice, thankfully sold to Lark for an amazing 100,000 gil!”

Sephiroth: “Oh yeah!!!” *dances around*

Scarlet: *red with anger* “Grrrr!!!”

Lark: *hugs sephy*

Sephiroth: “Lark! You saved me from Scarlet!”

Lark: “Actually, it was thanks to Vincent. He was the one who gave me the money to outbid her.”

Sephiroth: “Aw…”

Twilight: “Well that’s it! Have fun with your wins, girls! And remember, I’m single too!”

Opal: “No you’re not! He’s mine!”

Twilight: *sigh* “Just go ahead and remind them, Opal.”

Shell: *frowns* “I can’t believe I got stuck with skanky slutbag.”

JT: “Can you stop calling me that?”

Shell: “No.” *sigh* “Let’s go get Rude.”

JT: “But Scarlet bought him.”

Shell: “But I own him.” *goes over and taps scarlet on the shoulder*

Scarlet: “What do you want?”

Shell: “Back off, bitch!” *hits scarlet on the head with her high heel*

Scarlet: “Kya…” *passes out*

JT: “Wow! Great job!”

Shell: “Shut up, skanky slutbag. Look, Rude! I saved you!”

Rude: “Hm.”

Shell: “And that’s the thanks I get?”

JT: “What are you going to do with me?”

Shell: “I don’t know. Nothing?”

JT: “I’m hungry.”

Shell: *picks a cracker up off the ground* “Here, eat this.”

JT: “That was on the floor.”

Shell: “So? Rude would eat it.”

Rude: “No I wouldn’t.”

Shell: “Sure you would.”

Ashley: “Is it just me, or did you all notice what Lark did too?”

Lizzie: *grins* “Yeah. Reeve, Tseng, Sephiroth and Vincent. Who’s she trying to kid?”

Rufus: *gulp* “Um… Elena…? What’s with the handcuffs?”

Elena: “They were supposed to be for Tseng, but you’ll have to do.”

Rufus: *sweat drops*

Sephiroth: “So, Lark, what are you going to do with me?”

Lark: *shrugs*

Sephiroth: “I’ll do anything. And I mean *anything*. Anything at all. Whatever you want.”

Lark: “Will you kiss Vincent?”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “Yeah…. I guess…”

Lark: “Yay!” *kisses him* “I’m so glad I won you, Sephy-sama!”

Sephiroth: *shocked smile* “Heh. Me too.”

(later that day…lark and her purchases are in the ramble room. reeve and tseng are making out in the corner. vincent, lark and sephiroth are on the couch in that order. lark is alternating between kissing vincent and sephy, then they kiss one another and the process starts all over)

Lark: *kisses vincent* “Hehe. I like this game!” *turns to kiss sephy*

Sephiroth: “Me too.”

(they’re about to kiss when there’s a knock at the door)

Sephiroth: “Dammit! Whoever that is must die!”

Lark: “Relax, Seph. It’s probably just the telephone repair guy.” *gets up* “Reeve, Tseng, you two are going to have to stop for a few minutes.”

(they pull apart)

Reeve: *blushing* “We weren’t…”

Tseng: *blushing* “Of course not…”

Lark: *rolls her eyes* “Right.”

(she answers the door and there’s this really hot guy with brown hair and blue eyes standing there with a dog that has a red bandanna around it’s neck and it’s tongue hanging out of its mouth. the guy is also really muscular)

Lark: *blinks* “Wow. *You’re* the telephone repair guy?”

Guy: “Yup. I’m Jake. Glad to meet ya.” *shakes her hand*

Lark: “I was expecting some old, ugly guy with his pants falling down.”

Jake: “Disappointed?” *grins and comes inside*

Lark: “No!” *mutters* “But I wouldn’t mind if your pants were falling down…”

Sephiroth: “What’s with the creature?”

Jake: “Oh? My dog? This is Ranger.”

Lark: “Aw!” *pets ranger who wags his tail* “What a cutie!”

Jake: “This the phone that’s out of service?”

Sephiroth: “No, it’s actually a lamp made up to look like a phone.” *rolls eyes*

Jake: “You know, I always have to check and ask, just to see if there’re any sarcastic people in the room ready to make fun of me.”

Sephiroth: *blinks* “I’m Sephiroth.”

Jake: *chuckles* “Nice to meet ya.” *takes out his tools*

Lark: *cough* “So…Jake…you…uh…”

Jake: “Single?” *chuckles* “Yeah. You?”

Lark: “Well, I….”

Sephiroth: “No!” *everyone looks at him* “Well….uh…she…um…there are some guys, that are *not* me, that want to date her. So….yeah….”

Lark: *laughs* “That’s true.

Jake: *putting tools away* “Well that’s all done.”

Lark: “That was quick. Thanks, Jake.”

Jake: “No problem.” *grins*

Lark: “Hey, look…you know, if you ever wanna come back here just to hang out, feel free. There are a lot of girls around most of the time, and if you don’t swing that way, we have some of those too.”

Jake: *laughs* “I do swing that way, and thanks for the offer. I just might.”

Lark: “Great! We look forward to seeing you!” *hands him rangers leash*

Jake: “Yeah. Take care.” *takes leash*

Lark: “You too.”

(jake leaves)

Sephiroth: *pouts* “Not another guy.”

(lark shuts the door)

Lark: “He was hot.” *turns around* “Don’t you think?”

Guys: “………………..” *look embarrassed*

Lark: “That means yes.” *goes back to the couch* “Now where were we?”

Sephiroth: “You were going to kiss me!”

Lark: “Oh yeah.” *kisses sephiroth*

Vincent: “So, Lark, did you actually pay the phone bill?”

Lark: *kissing seph so her words are totally mangled* “I gave the money to Rufus to do it.”

Vincent: *somehow understanding* “Ah. All right.”

(cut to rufus, handcuffed to a bed with only his boxers on. both his wrists are handcuffed above his head and he looks very uneasy)

Rufus: “Uh… Elena? Elena?”

                                                                                 THE END

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