Originally Published: 10/16/00 . 17 pages
Will they ever find the killer of Hojo’s twin brother? Will the lights ever come back on? The blackout ramble continues.
Nothing this time.
The second half of the epic, guest written black out ramble.
(When we left off, everyone was in the middle of the search for the psycho killer who had already taken the life of Hojo’s long lost twin brother, Gojo. Right in the middle, Vincent caught Sephy and Lark making out and Sephiroth is now nowhere to be found, although Lark has a plan…)
Noelle: I really think we need to get back to what we were doing, Lark.
Ashley: *mumble mumble speak for yourself!*
Lark: No, I have a better idea. Everybody listen up!
Everyone: *quiets down*
Lark: *shines a flashlight on the group* Sephy is missing again and we need to find him, but I was in the middle of doing something and so was Noelle and her group. Therefore, we need another group to go outside and look for Sephy. He couldn’t have gotten very far in the dark anyway. So here it is: Ashley, take Seifer, Vincent, Tseng, and Reeve with you and go outside and look for Sephiroth. Noelle, you go back with your group to searching the house, except for Shell and Rude. You two will have to stay in the ramble room with anybody who doesn’t go with Ashley. I’ll be in the back if anybody needs me trying to figure out how to get these lights back on. Got it?
Lark: Good. *goes to the back*
Noelle: Well we better get going. This is a pretty big place ya know.
Ashley: Finally, I get to do something!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shell: Hooray, now I can paint *everybody’s* nails!
Rude: But Shell, how are you going to do that in the dark???
Shell: …Shut up, Rude.
(So Noelle takes her group to the back rooms of the house, but first we will follow Ashley.)
Ashley: Alright, let’s go. *grabs some flashlights and pauses* And don’ be ass-lancing!!!
*Everybody follows her outside*
Seifer: *whining* Ashley, it’s cold!
Ashley: Shut *up*, Seifer!
Seifer: eep! Yes ma’am!
Ashley: Better! *leads them to the backyard…*
Tseng: *sigh* Isn’t this romantic? *grabs Reeve’s hand*
Reeve: *sweatdrop* Ya know, Tseng, people can see us…
Tseng: Oh, sorry. *lets go and steps away*
Seifer: How come I get stuck with all the queers?!
Ashley: Hey, they’re my friends!
Vincent: I happen to take offense to that.
Seifer: Ask me if I care.
Vincent: *randomly turns into one of his limit break beasts* RAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Seifer: Ack! *jumps into Ashley’s arms*
Ashley: *drops him on the floor* This is no time to fool around!
*They continue on…*
(Noelle leads everyone to a door in the back. She tries the knob a few times but it is locked)
Barret: Yo, step back! *raises his gunarm*
Red: I do not think that would be wise-
Barret: Yo! Shut up, dolphin!
Red: Ugh, now this is just getting ridiculous! I am not a dolphin!
Noelle: oh yeah?! Well then what the hell are you?!
Red: …………………………………………………….oooooooooh… =(
Barret: Yeah yeah, thas right. *blows the door up* heh heh…
Noelle: Good job, Barret!
(They go inside the room, which is dimly lit by the moon coming in through a small narrow window. It is dusty, which means it was probably locked up for a long time)
Noelle: Hey, I wonder if Lark knows about this place…
Irvine: I doubt it. Looks to me like all this junk makes it some type of storage room. Reckon that this served as an attic or somethin’.
Laguna: *picks up a very pretty, very breakable vase* Hey hey, look at this!
Noelle: *grabs it from him* Don’t touch anything, Laguna!
Laguna: Alright! I wonder where my dear son Squall is…
Noelle: He’s back in the ramble room, why don’t you go look for him? *sarcastic smile*
Laguna: Hey hey, alright! *leaves*
Noelle: thank god!
Barret: Yo, why we in here?
Noelle: That’s right, Cid.
Barret: Yo, I don’t see nuttin!
Noelle: *tries to turn another knob, but instead the walls slides out slowly.* Hey, cool! We got ourselves a secret room!
JT: *looks in. there’s a bunch of chains and some junk all over the place* Cool.
Noelle: *closes it back up* anyways…
*nobody moves for a while*
JT: I have an idea.
Noelle: why am I not surprised? *sigh* go ahead babe.
JT: Well if the killer’s in the house, why don’t we lure him out?
Reno: yeah? How?
Rufus: we could *pay* him… but I don’t wanna give up my money!
JT: No, actually I was thinking that we could set a trap and then he’d come out.
Noelle: elaborate, please.
JT: *sigh* Well, we could…
BACK IN THE RAMBLE ROOM WITH SHELL…
Shell: So what does everybody wanna do?
Everybody: *blank stares*
Shell: I know! How about shadow puppets!!!
Everybody: NO! *sweatdrops*
Laguna: *comes running in* Hey hey, everybody! I’m the President of Esthar!
Shell: Do I look like I care?
Shell: Very good!
Laguna: Squall, daddy’s here, so there’s no need to be afraid of the dark anymore! *tries to give Squall a hug*
Squall: Ew, get away from me, loser!
Shell: Oh dear, this is going to be a loooooooooooong night… *tries to eat Rude’s sunglasses*
BUT LET US VENTURE AWAY FROM THE HOUSE AND TO SOMEWHERE CLOSEBY- KATIE’S HOUSE!
(Katie is baking and humming merrily while *all* this is going on. Suddenly she hears a knock on her door)
Amy: Fozzle? *opens the door* SEPHY!!!!! ^_^ *gives Sephiroth hugs*
Sephiroth: *gives Amy hugs back* Hi, Amy.
Katie: Sephy, so glad you came to visit! Would you like some pie or cookies?
Sephiroth: *looks at the lighting* OH THANK THE LORD, ELECRICITY!!!!!!!
Katie: …??? Bouncy corn?
Sephiroth: Mind if I hide out a while here, Katie?
Katie: not at all, Sephy! ^_^
Katie: Is something on your mind, Sephy?
Sephiroth: Well actually…
Katie: Tell me what’s wrong, Sephy!
Sephiroth: well, see, back at Lark’s, we have no electricity and there’s a killer on the loose and I kind of have a problem with Lark… *goes into the in-depth story*
Sephiroth: *sweatdrop* Nevermind.
Katie: ok! ^_^ Actually, Sephy, I think I should take you back. I bet everyone’s worried… Well, except for Noelle, who hates you, and Rufus, who’s scared of you, and Barret, who wants you dead, and-
Sephiroth: *holds up a hand* You don’t hafta go into it, Amy, I’ll go back now. Wanna come?
Katie: Sure! Just let me get my things! *runs upstairs*
Sephiroth: Oh, god, *this* will take an hour…
SO BACK TO Ashley’S GROUP…
(Ashley has led everyone to the back of the property where’s there’s lotsa trees and brush and whatnot)
Ashley: I don’t think we should go beyond here…
Seifer: You’re right, it looks scary.
Vincent: Not as scary as spending eternity in your own crypt.
Reeve: What now?
Ashley: Well, we could head back to the house empty handed, which is the loser way out, or we could continue looking around the back fields or-
Seifer: eep! What was that?
Reeve: *holds a shivering and scared Tseng* There there…
Tseng: *heh heh…*
Ashley: *holds everyone back* Don’t move…
(Just a few yards ahead of them in the trees, a round figure is wobbling off-balance before toppling over. Ashley can only make out that it is a man and he is very fat with some sort of distinct laugh…)
Ashley: OMG, that must be him!!! Let’s go!
*They ambush the shadowy figure and tie him up*
Ashley: Score! We gotta tell Lark!
*They drag him back to the ramble room…*
(Lark is fiddling with the wires, unsuccessfully trying to get the electricity back)
Lark: *pushes two wires together and it fizzes* Dammit! *kicks the fuse box; it sputters and dies* ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! STUPID PIECE OF CRAP!!!
BACK TO Noelle’S GROUP…
(They are standing around in the hallway getting ready to execute their plan. There is a net hanging from the ceiling by Barret and Cid, who are not too happy with the way this is going…)
Noelle: Great idea, babe! This is gonna work really well! ^_^
JT: Um, thanks, but you didn’t have to dress Barret and Cid up…
Barret: Damn straight! *adjusts his coconut shell bra*
Cid: @!#$%^&*()!@#$^&*(!!!!!!! *hikes up his grass skirt*
Noelle: But that’s half the fun! ^_^
Red: Well it serves them right! *laughs*
Barret: Yo, shut up, walrus, or you’ll be eatin’ bullets for a week!!!
Red: It’s worth it!
Noelle: shut up, bull frog, I think I hear something!
Everyone: *falls quiet*
????: Kya ha ha!
Noelle: Ack! Quick, everybody, get inside!
*they go into the previously locked room as Barret and Cid stand around as bait*
????: Kya ha ha! Well if it isn’t the two bums from AVALANCHE!
Barret: Yo, shu’up, hoe!
????: Kya ha ha! You’re all pathetic!
JT: *starts to twitch*
Cid: !@#$%^&*(@#$^(*&^%$#@#^^%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *pulls the cord and the net falls over the figure*
Everyone: *comes back out, but nobody can see who it is*
Rufus: we caught the killer! I bet we’ll get lotsa reward money!
Noelle: Yeah, now if we only knew who it was…
Noelle: Something wrong babe?
JT: *more twitching* Yes…
Noelle: *shrugs* Eh… *pulls out a lighter and holds it up to the killer…*
Scarlet: Kya ha ha! You fools! You cannot contain me!
Noelle: Ick! It’s the whore!
Scarlet: Kya ha ha hey!!!
Barret: Heh, what should we do with her?
JT: Can I kill her?! *hopeful smile*
Noelle: No, we gotta get Lark and show her. *ties Scarlet up* JT, you stay here and watch Scarlet, kay? Buh bye! *leads the group out*
JT: No, wait!… *sigh*
Scarlet: *winks at him*
JT: *shudder* I’ll get Noelle back for this…
Scarlet: Aw, mad at your little girlfriend?
JT: She’s not my girlfriend-
Scarlet: *hopeful look* oh really… *thinks for a second* Hey, could you come here a second? I have something for you…
JT: *suspicious looks, but of course, being a guy, goes over anyway* What is it?
Scarlet: *stabs him with a syringe and he collapses to the floor* heh heh heh…
(Lark is *still* trying to fix the box)
Lark: *looks behind her* Huh?…ACK! *hits someone over the head with the wrench she was holding and peers down* *GASP!* Hojo! Oh, ew!!!
Hojo: Hee hee heeeeee! Hello my pretty!
Lark: Ew! Ick ick ick!!!
Hojo: hee hee!!!!! I…oh… *passes out*
Lark: *sees his blood-stained lab coat* OMG, he must be the killer! I gotta get everyone back!
IN THE RAMBLE ROOM…
(Shell is looking extremely bored, as does everyone else)
Shell: This sucks, I can’t paint anybody’s nails! How long does it take to reset the circuit breakers?!
*Just then, everybody comes running in, including Lark*
Ashley: *spots her* Lark, Lark!!! We found the killer!
Noelle: *leads her group in* That’s ridiculous! We have her tied up in the back!
Lark: What are you guys talking about? *I* found the killer, and it’s Hojo!
Noelle” No, it’s Scarlet! She’s in the back!
Ashley: No way, you’re *both* crazy! It’s…whoever’s in this bag! *opens the bag to reveal a disheveled Heideggar*
Heideggar: Gya ha huh?
Lark: Wait a minute. There’s *three* killers?!
Nida: Well *I* coulda told you *that*!
Lark: *starts choking him* well why didn’t you?!?!?!?!?!
Nida: Cuz you didn’t ask!
Laguna: Hey hey, he’s right!
Noelle: Shut up, Laguna!
*Everything breaks out into mayhem*
*knock knock knock*
Everyone: *stops dead in their tracks*
Lark: *opens the door* SEPHIROTH!!!!! *gives him hugs* I was so worried about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Katie: Hey, what about me? =(
Lark: Oh, hey, Katie! Did you find Sephiroth?
Katie: No, Sephy found me! ^_^
Lark: You went to Katie’s?
Sephiroth: Yeah, why?
Lark: Well I’m just happy you’re home and safe, Sephy!
Sephiroth: ACK!!!! *hides under Katie’s hair*
Katie: *sweatdrop* Um, Sephy, he can still see you…
Sephiroth: I can feel his eyes burning into my soul!!!
Ashley: *looks disinterested* Anyway, we found the killers, and we got Sephiroth back, so now we just hafta get the lights on.
Vincent: *looks away* Light is evil…darkness is your friend…
Lark: Oh, don’t be like that, Vincent!
Noelle: *slaps him on the back* Yeah, c’mon, Vinny! It’s not Sephiroth’s fault that he’s a slut, ne?
Lark: Well could somebody please explain *why* Hojo, Heideggar, and Scarlet killed Gojo?
Noelle: Yeah, not like any of us care or anything…
Hojo: Well, you see, Gojo was my twin-
Ashley: well duh.
Hojo: And he was very evil. When we were children, he was always jealous of my outstanding work and achievements, right up until he was put into the loony bin for trying to kill me.
Ashley: too bad he didn’t. And did you have a family reunion there with him?
Hojo: *doesn’t get the joke* No…anyway, he broke out and came to me looking for a place to stay. Naturally, I didn’t give him one. So he threatened me saying he’d get back at me, and he left. We didn’t think much of it until the day I was trying to cook my kelp and I found a picture of Sephiroth all torn and drawn across with red marker. I put two and two together and figured that he would come here in search of Sephiroth, my dearest beloved son-
Hojo: -and we found him locked up in that room and Scarlet and Heideggar helped me kill him.
Everyone: *blink blink*
Ashley: perfectly put, Squall.
Heideggar: Gya ha hey! If it weren’t for us, you’d all be dead! Gya ha ha!
Noelle: You mean *that*- *points to Hojo* And *that*- *points to Heiddegar* And the whore did something…*good*?!
Lark: Weird, ne?
Ashley: Hells yeah!
Lark: So…problem solved, for now. Where’s Scarlet?
Noelle: I left JT with her upstairs.
Lark: *pales* You *what*?!
Noelle: You heard me!
Lark: *holding her head* I think I’m getting a headache…
Lark: Come with me…
*The two go to the back rooms where Noelle left them, but they are nowhere to be found!*
Lark: Dammit! Where could they have gone?
Noelle: *sees the empty net and Scarlet’s ties on the floor* Uh-oh…
Lark: I didn’t like the sound of that.
Noelle: Um…I think they’re missing.
Lark: ARGH! I CAN NEVER GET A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!
Noelle: *sweatdrop* sorry…
Lark: You know what? *You* fix this, I’m going back outside to fix the electricity. *storms out*
Noelle: *pouts* Meanie… Well where could they have gone? They couldn’t have left… *lightbulb* *turns the knob and the wall slides open* I knew this was good for something!
(She goes in and ducks under a table, surveying the candlelit room. Scarlet is laying on the floor naked, save a blanket, and JT is chained to the wall looking a little battered. Well uh, Scarlet, being the whore that she is, must’ve gotten a few ideas in her mind…)
Noelle: *sweatdrop* Oh dear…
Scarlet: *is smoking a cigarette, facing the other wall* *incoherent mumbling*
Noelle: *sneaks over to JT and pokes him* hey…
JT: As soon as I get out of these chains, you are *so* dead.
Noelle: Then maybe I should leave you in ’em.
JT: *sigh* just untie me, *then* we’ll talk…
Noelle: okay… *breaks the locks, freeing her friend*
JT: I’m not gonna ask why you can do that so well.
Scarlet: *turns over and sees the two trying to escape* HEY!!!
Noelle: *bludgeons her with a candlestick and she falls to the floor*
(They drag her out)
Noelle: *sees Cloud bumping into various objects in the room* Hey Cloud!
Cloud: *looks up* ???
Noelle: I need you to do me a favor. I need you to seal this door up with your “seal” materia.
Cloud: But, um, that seals magic, not doors.
Noelle: *sweatdrop* Couldn’t it work both ways?
Cloud: *shrugs* Eh… *seals the door and walks away*
JT: *angry glares at Noelle* Run. Fast.
Noelle: *face falls* eep! *gets chased back to the ramble room, where Shell is sitting with Ashley and everybody else*
Ashley: I say we torture them!
Shell: As long as you clean up the mess afterwards.
Heideggar: Gya ha ha crap!
*suddenly the lights flicker back on*
Reeve: *pulls away from making out with Tseng sheepishly* Tseng, I, uh…
Reeve: sorry, you see, uh, I thought you were a girl, cuz of your long hair and all…
Tseng: Yeah, and, uh, I think I’m a little tipsy…
Everyone else: *sweatdrops*
Lark: *comes back in* I *knew* I’d get it! *surveys the scene* *sweatdrops* Yup, it’s a headache…
(Ashley is torturing the captives, JT is trying to kill Noelle, Amy is crawling all over Sephy, Shell is happily painting Rude’s nails, Tseng and Reeve are babbling excuses, and everyone else looks bored.)
Lark: This has been a looooooooooooooooooooooooooong night… *tries to clean up*
Vincent: *whispers something to Sephiroth and they go outside*
Sephiroth: *sits on the porch steps with Vincent* Vincent, I’m sorry-
Vincent: No no, Sephiroth, please don’t. I realize now that I cannot keep you. I must let you make your own choices, and if you want to be with Lark, that’s fine. I hope you two are happy together. *tear*
Sephiroth: Tch, yeah, only one problem. She doesn’t know I exist. The girl is clueless as to how I feel about her.
Vincent: Well *I* know you’re here…right in front of me…
Sephiroth: *cuts him off with a kiss*
Vincent: *whispers in Sephiroth’s ear* Tenshi…