#24 – Final Fairy Tales

Prince Rufus: “And is this *Ward* a reliable source?”

Originally Published: 8/8/00 . 29 pages

The ramble girls get sucked into a book that puts them all in fairy tales! Featuring the “ramble-ized” tales of: Sleeping Beauty, Rumpelstiltskin, The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, The Princess and the Pea, and Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Ramble Milestones
-First parody.

I’ve always really liked this ramble – must be why I wrote two sequels. According to the original notes at the beginning of the ramble: Oh, and most of these stories have been loosely based on the Disney movies made after them, not the real stories, cause I either didn’t know them to begin with, or didn’t remember them. And, as added information, I wrote this ramble in one sitting! Look at it’s length! Took me 4 1/2 hours! This is noteworthy because I don’t write too many rambles in one day, especially not in 4 1/2 straight hours. Anyway, Sleeping Beauty is one of my favorite stories, and Aurora is one of my favorite Disney princesses, hence why I made Lark the princess in that story.

(lark, shell, Ashley, Noelle, Katie and Lizzy all enter the ramble room)

Katie: “Hey! I was wondering! Why weren’t me and Lizzy asked to play baseball with you guys?”

Noelle: “Sis, trust me, you’re better off.”

Lark: “Hey! The reason you weren’t asked is because Sephiroth didn’t feel like being stalked!”

Lizzy: “How can we help ourselves?”

Lizzy and Katie: “He’s so hot!”

Ashley: “Whatever.”

Shell: *eyes something on the table* “Hey! What’s this?”

(the girls crowd around)

Katie: “It’s a book!”

Noelle: “Well *duh*.”

Lark: *picks it up and reads the cover* “Fairy Tales Volume 2.”

Shell: “Looks like that book Heero had….”

Ashley: “You mean the one we got sucked inside of?”

Noelle: “Yeah, but that was Volume 1.”

Katie: “Ooh! Let’s open it!”

Lark: “No! We’ll get sucked–“

(Katie opens the book and the girls are sucked inside)

Narrator: “Once upon a time there lived a poor miller and his daughter.”

Miller Kiros: “Daughter! Ward says you’re lazy!”

Daughter Shell: *stumbles in, wearing rags and carrying 2 buckets of water* “Ward’s not in this story, Father Kiros.”

Miller Kiros: “…..Well dammit.”

Daughter Shell: “Here’s the water you sent me to fetch, Father Kiros, since we’re so freakin’ poor! We don’t even have running water in the house! Even Jack and his mother have that!”

Miller Kiros: “Ward stole all my money.”

Daughter Shell: “Would you stop bringing Ward into this?”

Miller Kiros: “It was Laguna then.”

Daughter Shell: “I hate being poor! You suck!” *stomps out*

Miller Kiros: “If I could just marry her off to somebody rich and far away, I wouldn’t have to put up with any of her whining anymore.” *thinks* “Hmmm….if I started a rumor that she was able to spin straw into gold, all the rich and greedy men would want to marry her! After all, getting money out of something as ordinary as straw sounds pretty damn good! Then some rich, dumb jerk will marry her, thinking that she can spin straw into gold, and when she can’t…well…sucks to be him!” *thinks* “Right! I’ll just tell the National Enquirer! They buy anything!”

Narrator: “And so, the incredibly obnoxious Miller told the Enquirer Ward said his daughter could spin straw into gold. They printed the story the next day. Meanwhile, the incredibly handsome Prince Rufus, Prince of the town, was bored, sitting on his throne and loafing around doing nothing.”

Prince Rufus: *whines* “I’m boooooooooooored!”

Court Jester Palmer: “Sir!!!! I have your new issue of the National Enquirer!”

Prince Rufus: “Ooh! Gimme, gimme, gimme!” *takes the paper and reads the front page* “Local girl can spin straw into gold?! I gotta see this!” *turns to the article and reads* “Local Miller Kiros says Ward says his daughter, Shell, can spin straw into gold with an ordinary sewing wheel.” *dollar signs appear in his eyes* “Wow! That’s too good *not* to be true! Court Jester Palmer, I’ve gotta see this girl! Invite her here so I may see this for myself. This is the perfect opportunity for me to become even wealthier and build more and *more* Mako reactors!” *evil laughter*

Court Jester Palmer: *laughs too* “Ha ha ha! You’re so smart, Prince Rufus!”

Prince Rufus: “Shut up and get the girl!”

Narrator: “So Court Jester Palmer, in an effort to stick his head further up the incredibly handsome Prince Rufus’ ass, got the girl, Shell, and her incredibly annoying father, the miller Kiros, to come to the palace.”

Court Jester Palmer: *entering with kiros and shell* “The Miller Kiros and his daughter, Shell, your oh so royal highness.”

Prince Rufus: *grins* “Hello! And welcome to my palace!”

Daughter Shell: “I liked riding in the glass elevator.”

Prince Rufus: “Anyway, Miller Kiros, I hear your lovely daughter can spin straw into gold.”

Daughter Shell: “Excuse me?”

Miller Kiros: “Ward says she can.”

Prince Rufus: “And is this *Ward* a reliable source?”

Miller Kiros: “….yeah….”

Prince Rufus: “Wonderful!” *claps his hands*

Court Jester Palmer: *running in* “You clapped, oh royal highness?”

Prince Rufus: “Yes. Lock the girl in a room full of straw and a spinning wheel.”

Daughter Shell: “WHAT?!”

Prince Rufus: “What do you mean, what? Ward says you can spin straw into gold. I want the gold. If you do it…I’ll….uh…marry you, or something, and if you don’t….I’ll….kill you or something.”

Miller Kiros: “Better do what the man says, Shell!”

Daughter Shell: *as court jester palmer drags her away* “This is crazy!! Help me! Help me! Father! Please!”

Miller Kiros: *waves* “Ward says have fun!”

Narrator: “Meanwhile, in another storybook land, The Three Garden Students, Squallbear, Rinoabear, and Zellbear just sat down to a lovely meal of hot dogs in their little cottage in the woods.”

Rinoabear: “Uh….I’m not a Garden Student.”

Narrator: “Just act out the damn story!”

Zellbear: “Mmmm! I love hot dogs!”

Squallbear: *goes to eat his* “Too hot.”

Zellbear: “I don’t care!”

Rinoabear: “No, Zellbear. You’ll burn your tongue!”

Squallbear: “Let’s take a walk for awhile we wait for it to cool off.”

Rinoabear: “That sounds lovely!”

Zellbear: “No! You guys will just dump me to go make out like you always do!”

Squallbear: *grabs zellbear by the collar* “Let’s go.” *they leave the cottage*

Narrator: “Meanwhile, not so far away, a lovely little girl named Lizzylocks found that she was lost.”

Lizzylocks: *dressed in a light blue dress, her hair in pigtail braids* “What the hell kind of gig is this? Hey, narrator! Put me in different clothes!”

Narrator: “No! Deal with it!”

Lizzylocks: “@#%# you!”

Narrator: “Lizzylocks, the oh so innocent and sweet–“

Lizzylocks: *laughs* “Right!”

Narrator: “–was lost in the woods because she left her map in the Gothic book store.”

Lizzylocks: “That’s more like it!” *pause* “Wait. This isn’t the Blair Witch Project is it?”

Narrator: “No! Stop pestering me!”

Lizzylocks: “Geez. Fine.” *looks around* “I’m kind of tired and hungry. I think I’ll break into someone’s house and screw stuff up.”

Narrator: “And so Lizzylocks skipped up to the cottage she saw in the clearing.”

Lizzylocks: “I’ll go in, but I’m not skipping anywhere!” *goes over and peers in* “Great! No one’s home!” *takes out her lock picking kit* “Let me just make sure and see if it’s–” *turns the knob and the door opens* “Looks like I won’t be needing this after all!” *puts lock picking kit away and strolls on in* “Ooh! Look! Hot dogs! I’m starved!” *sits down at the table and tries squallbear’s hot dog* “Ugh! Gross, too hot!” *tries rinoabear’s hot dog* “Ugh! Too cold!” *she tries zellbear’s hot dog* “This one’s fine!” *she eats the whole thing*

Narrator: “Thankfully getting away from that one for awhile, we travel to another storybook kingdom. Now, in this kingdom, eighteen years ago, a lovely and most beautiful daughter, Princess Lark, was born to the king and queen. They had a lovely party to celebrate the birth. Let’s attend the party too, shall we?”

Queen Tifa: “Isn’t our daughter beautiful?”

King Cloud: “Who?”

Narrator: “Now many, many people were invited to the party, including 3 lovely fairies, who wished to bless the new baby.”

(fairy elena, fairy tseng, and fairy rude fly in, wearing fairy costumes: dresses, wands and wings. elena has on pink, tseng has on blue, and rude has on green)

Fairy Rude: “….I don’t like this.”

Fairy Elena: “I love parties!”

Fairy Rude: “No, not the party. The sissy costume!”

Fairy Elena: “I think you both look cute.”

Fairy Tseng: “This isn’t funny.”

Fairy Elena: “Aw! Look at the baby! Isn’t she cute?”

Fairy Rude: “Let’s hurry up and bless her so we can go home and change our clothes.”

Fairy Elena: *waves her wand* “I give her the gift of beauty.”

Fairy Rude: *waves wand* “I give her the gift of fashion sense.” *mumbles* “….clearly I don’t have it.”

Fairy Tseng: “You’re rather talkative today, Rude.”

Fairy Rude: *glares* “………”

Fairy Tseng: “I take it back.” *waves his wand* “I give her—“

(suddenly the room goes black, and a huge puff of green smoke comes up and a really ugly creature appears)

Queen Tifa: “Oh no! It’s Millif-Hojo! I thought we killed him, Cloud!”

King Cloud: “Who?”

Millif-Hojo: “Mwha haa haa! I see I wasn’t invited to the party!”

Queen Tifa: “Well for one thing we thought you were dead, and besides that no one likes you anyway!”

Millif-Hojo: *peers into the cradle, causing baby princess lark to cry* “This your child?”

King Cloud: “Uh……yes?”

Millif-Hojo: “I have a gift for the baby too.” *waves staff* “On her eighteenth birthday, she will prick her finger on a spinning wheel and *die*!”

Queen Tifa: “Oh no!” *bursts into tears*

King Cloud: “….What?”

Millif-Hojo: “Mwha haa haa! That’s what you get for thinking I was dead and then not inviting me to your party!” *disappears in a puff of green smoke*

Queen Tifa: “This is horrible!”

Fairy Rude: “Well this sucks. Let’s go.”

Fairy Elena: “Wait, Rude! Tseng hasn’t given his gift yet!”

Fairy Tseng: “Right!” *waves his wand* “I proclaim when you prick your finger on the spinning wheel you’ll fall into a deep sleep, only to be awakened by the kiss of your true love.” *smiles*

Fairy Elena: “That sucks!” *bats eyelashes* “But I love you, Tseng.”

Fairy Tseng: “What’s wrong with it?”

Fairy Elena: “I think we should take her away to live in a secluded cabin so Millif-Hojo can’t get to her.”

Queen Tifa: “Please! Help my poor daughter!”

King Cloud: “Who?”

Fairy Rude: “Fine, get the kid and let’s go change.”

Narrator: “So the Fairies Elena, Rude and Tseng took Princess Lark away to a cabin in the woods, where they changed her name to April. However they never did get to change their clothes, much to Fairy Rude’s disappointment. Anyway, Princess Lark, or “April” as she was now known, liked living with the fairies in the woods, and every day she would go out and get water from the nearby stream and sing while she worked. And no, there was no Prozac involved! So one day, nearly eighteen years later, the noble Prince Sephiroth was riding nearby on his horse, Jenova….”

Prince Sephiroth: “Don’t worry, Jenova, soon you and I will become one with the planet.”

Jenova: “Neigh!”

Princess Lark’s voice: *sings* “…..so darling there you go! With that look on your face! As if you’re never hurt! As if you’re never down!…”

Prince Sephiroth: “That voice! It’s so beautiful!” *strains to listen, but just falls off his horse and into the stream*

Jenova: *horsey laugh* “Hehe.”

Prince Sephiroth: *glares at jenova* “Shut up, or no becoming one with the planet for you!”

Princess Lark’s voice: *stops singing* “Oh dear! Is someone there?”

Prince Sephiroth: *squeezes out his hair and runs over to where he hears her voice coming from* “I dare say that you are even more lovely than your singing voice!”

Princess Lark: *blushes. she’s dressed in a low cut, long red maiden’s dress* “You heard that?”

Prince Sephiroth: “Yes. So, I was wondering, you want to come away with me? My name is Prince Sephiroth.”

Princess Lark: “Umm…..no. I can’t. The fairies would get mad.”

Prince Sephiroth: “Don’t you think I’m dashing and handsome?”

Princess Lark: *teasing* “Maybe….” *smiles*

Prince Sephiroth: “I’ve got a horse! We could ride away in style!”

Princess Lark: “Sorry! I have to go!” *starts running away*

Prince Sephiroth: “Wait! At least tell me your name!” *she’s gone* “Dammit.” *sighs* “Jenova, I think I’m in love.”

Jenova: *rolls his eyes* “Neigh.”

Prince Sephiroth: “I must find her! And bed her!”

Jenova: *gives him a look* “Neigh…”

Prince Sephiroth: “…After I marry her.” *rolls his eyes* “Right.”

Narrator: “Now, in another kingdom, there lived a little mermaid named Princess Katiel, who wished to be human.”

Katiel: *sitting on a rock, staring at the shore, sighs* “I wish I was human. Then I wouldn’t smell like fish all the time!” *scrunches up her nose*

Narrator: “Now Katiel’s father, King Bariton, didn’t want her above water, but she really could care less. She often sat on this rock, staring at the shore. She didn’t see much, but things changed one day….”

(a boat comes flying by with 2 guys on it)

Prince Irvine: “It’s such a gorgeous day, isn’t it, Nida-the-reject?”

Nida-the-reject: “I hate my name! Can’t you change it?”

Prince Irvine: “No! Drive the boat, reject boy!”

Katiel: *watches in awe* “Wow! Humans! That one driving looks like a loser, but the one with the cowboy hat is so dreamy! I’ll follow them!”

Narrator: “And so Princess Katiel of the Mer-Kingdom swam after the the boat. But no one could see the storm coming until it was too late. The boat was struck was tossed and turned in the angry seas and Prince Irvine was thrown overboard, much to Katiel’s horror.”

Katiel: “It would be a sin to let someone that hot drown, human or not!”

Narrator: “And so Katiel rescued Prince Irvine and took him to shore.”

Katiel: *laying next to prince irvine on the shore* “He’s so hot….I just wish I could have saved his cowboy hat!” *prince irvine starts coughing* “Oh no! I can’t let you see me! I don’t know your name, but I love you and I’ll do anything to be with you!” *jumps back into the sea*

Prince Irvine: *wakes up, holding his head* “Ow…was I drinking?” *looks around* “No…I don’t see a tequila bottle. Then who was that girl talking to me? Wow! She must have saved my life! I’ve gotta meet her!”

Nida-the-reject: *runs up* “Prince Irvine! You’re still alive!”

Prince Irvine: “Yeah, no thanks to your crappy piloting skills!”

Nida-the-reject: “Hey! It wasn’t my fault the sea was stormy!”

Prince Irvine: “Never mind. This girl saved me! I’ve gotta find her!”

Nida-the-reject: *sarcastically* “Yeah….I’m sure you will, sir.”

Narrator: “Princess Katiel returned home and faced her not so happy father, King Bariton.”

King Bariton: “Yo, girl! Where da hell were you?”

Katiel: “Um…up on shore rescuing a human from drowning!” *hand goes over her mouth* “Oops!”

King Bariton: “You were what? What did I tell you about humans? They’s bad! Stay away from them!”

Katiel: “But daddy, I fell in love with one of them!”

King Bariton: “WHAT?!”

Katiel: “Eep! But he’s really hot!”

King Bariton: “I don’t care if he looks like a cross between Squall and Cloud–their ain’t no way you’re ever seein’ that punk ass human again!”

Katiel: “But, daddy–“

King Bariton: “I HAVE SPOKEN!”

Narrator: “And so young Katiel went off to her room to cry. But the evil Scarsula was watching in her evil ball of doom….”

Scarsula: “Kya haa haa! So she wants to be human, huh? Well then…I will draw her to me and make her human! When she fails to pay me back, I will take over the entire Mer-kingdom! Kya haa haa!”

Narrator: “Going onto yet *another* kingdom….there once was a young prince who spent his days drinking and hiring hookers. This displeased his mother, Edea, greatly.”

Prince Reno: *stumbles into the castle* “Whoa! That was some kiss ass party!”

Queen Edea: “Son, we need to talk.”

Prince Reno: “If this is about the pot in my room, I *swear* I’m holding it for a friend.”

Queen Edea: “No….it’s about you getting married.”

Prince Reno: “Already? But I haven’t slept around enough yet!”

Queen Edea: “Too bad! You’re getting married, and that’s final!”

Prince Reno: *frowns* “But she’d better be really hot. Can I marry a Playboy Bunny?”

Queen Edea: “No! The person you marry must be a true, full blooded princess!”

Prince Reno: “A *hot* full blooded princess.”

Queen Edea: *mutters* “Fine.”

Narrator: “And so their search began. But now we move onto to our last story. Long ago there was a prince who lived in a beautiful castle. He had many possessions and was very vain.”

Prince Seifer: “Ha ha! I rock! You all suck compared to me!”

Narrator: “One day an old woman came to his door asking for shelter, but Prince Seifer said:”

Prince Seifer: “Ew! Gross! You’re making my castle look ugly! Get off my property!”

Narrator: “Imagine his surprise when the old woman changed into a beautiful fairy!”

Prince Seifer: “Oh crap! Never mind! You can sleep in here! You can sleep with *me* in fact…”

Narrator: “But it was too late. The fairy cast a spell on the castle and everyone who lived there. The prince was turned into a hideous beast, and everyone else was made into household appliances. The fairy told the prince that he must learn to love another and get their love in return before the last petal on his magic rose fell. Otherwise he would remain a hideous beast forever.”

Beast Seifer: “This blows!”

Narrator: “Meanwhile, a beautiful girl named Ashley was being pursued by a handsome but arrogant guy named Reevston.”

Reevston: *blinks*

Narrator: *whispers* “Psst! Do something arrogant!”

Reevston: “Why do I have to be the bad guy? I don’t wanna hurt anyone!”

Narrator: “Look, just do it and make everyone happy, kay?”

Reevston: *sighs* “Fine.” *fakely* “I am the most handsome guy in town. Everyone worships me. I could have any girl I wanted.”

Narrator: “Reevston’s eyes were set on Ashley.”

Reevston: “Uh…wanna marry me, Ashley? I’m oh so manly and masculine.”

Ashley: “Ew! No! Get away from me, pervert!”

Reevston: “Oh. I’m sorry.”

Narrator: *shakes head disapprovingly*

Reevston: “Oh. Um. Okay. Let me try again. Fine, Ashley. I’ll get you whether you like it or not.”

Narrator: “Now Ashley was just gallivanting in the woods one day, as she often did, when she stumbled upon a beautiful castle.”

Ashley: “Ooh! Look how pretty! I think I’ll go inside!” *she does* “Hello? Is anyone home?”

Selphie Potts: “Ooh! Look! A visitor! Let’s go greet her!”

LumiQuistis: “Yeah! Let’s mug her!”

Selphie Potts: “No! That’s mean! Let’s give her some tea!”

CogsRed: “…The master will get mad.”

Selphie Potts: “Forget him. He’s cranky. Besides, she could be the one to break the spell!”

Narrator: “And so the human/appliances greeted Ashley and made her at home in the castle.”

Ashley: *relaxing in chair by the fire* “I don’t understand why a bunch of appliances are talking to me, but whatever drug I’m on I like it!”

Narrator: “But Beast Seifer heard voices and rushed downstairs to see what was going on…”

Beast Seifer: “What is this?! Get out of my house!”

Ashley: “Ew! What attitude! What the hell are you anyway?”

Beast Seifer: “That’s none of your business! Get out!” *pushes her*

Ashley: “Don’t touch me!” *slaps him*

Beast Seifer: *looks at her in surprise* “You….stood up to me.”

Ashley: “Damn straight! No one bosses me around!”

Beast Seifer: “….No one has ever done that before.”

Ashley: “Really?”

Beast Seifer: *turns away* “You may stay…if you wish.”

Selphie Potts: “Please!”

LumiQuistis: “Can I have your wallet?” *gets elbowed by cogsred* “Ow!”

Narrator: “We’ll leave this world and go back to where we were first. Do you remember?”

Daughter Shell: *locked in a room with a lot of straw* “This sucks! How am I supposed to spin all this straw into gold?! I can’t even sew without pricking myself!”

Narrator: “Suddenly a little man appeared out of nowhere.”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Gya haa haa! Hello, little girl!”

Daughter Shell: “Who the hell are you? And why do you laugh like that?”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Gya haa haa! That’s not important! What *is* important is that I can spin that straw into gold for you, and at a very small fee!”

Daughter Shell: “But I don’t have anything to give you!”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Gya haa haa! Fine. After you marry Prince Rufus, just give me the first Mako Reactor he builds and we’ll call it even.”

Daughter Shell: “Fine. I won’t care what the hell’s going on once I marry that hot prince!”

Narrator: “They shook on it, and Rumpelgyahaahaa spent the whole night spinning straw into gold while Shell slept. When she awoke, the strange man with the weird laugh was gone, but there was gold from the floor to the ceiling.”

Prince Rufus: *walks in* “Holy Mako Reactor! It’s true! You really *can* spin straw into gold!”

Daughter Shell: “Ward would never tell a lie.” *mumbles* “Unlike my father.”

Prince Rufus: “Well a promise is a promise. I’ll marry you.”

Daughter Shell: “Score! But uh….don’t expect me to do that ever again.”

Narrator: “And so Prince Rufus married Shell, and she became Princess Shell. There’s more to come, but for now let’s check on that brat Lizzylocks, shall we?”

Lizzylocks: “Hey! I can hear you!” *leaves the kitchen and goes into the sitting room* “Ooh! Magazines!” *picks up squallbear’s* “Weapon’s Monthly? I already get that.” *picks up rinoabears* “Pet Pals? Boring!” *puts it down and picks up zellbears* “Ooh! Combat King!” *reads the whole thing and then throws it out* “I could do that.” *yawns* “I’m tired. They got beds in here?” *goes upstairs to the bedroom, looks at squallbear’s bed* “That looks too well made. I don’t want to screw with it.” *looks at rinoabear’s bed* “Ugh, that’s covered with pink stuffed animals! Ew!” *looks at zellbear’s bed* “Ooh! This one isn’t even made! I’ll sleep in this one!” *lays down and goes to sleep*

Narrator: “Now Princess Lark aka April’s eighteenth birthday had arrived, and everyone was celebrating.”

Princess Lark: *comes downstairs* “What’s going on?”

The three fairies: “Surprise! Happy Birthday!”

Princess Lark: “Thank you!”

Fairy Elena: *covered in flour* “I made you a cake!”

Fairy Tseng: *fingers covered in band-aids* “I made you a dress!”

Fairy Rude: “I complained about my outfit.”

Princess Lark: “That’s sweet of you guys! Thanks!”

Narrator: “So Princes Lark put on her dress and ate her cake, and tried to convince Fairy Rude he looked good in green. Night fell on the cottage, and the fairies went to sleep. Princess Lark felt she was compelled to go outside…”

Princess Lark: *goes outside* “It’s so pretty out!”

(puff of green smoke)

Princess Lark: *gasps* “Who are you?”

Millif-Hojo: “Follow me, my dear.” *takes out a fishing pole that has a picture of trieze from gundam wing on it*

Princess Lark: “Ooh! He’s hot!!” *she follows the picture to a strange castle and into a room with a spinning wheel*

Millif-Hojo: “Touch the spindle. Touch it I say!”

Princess Lark: *in a trance* “Touch the spindle….” *she pricks her finger and collaspes*

Millif-Hojo: “Mwha haa haa! I have done it! She may not be dead, but she might as well be!” *he picks up princess lark, puts her on a bed, crosses her arms over her chest and casts a spell so acres worth of thorny bushes grow outside the castle, making it almost impossible for anyone to get in, then he disappears*

Narrator: “Things don’t look good for her, but then again, things didn’t look too good for our young mermaid friend, Katiel, either…she’s been summoned by the evil sea witch, Scarsula.”

Scarsula: “I’ll make you a human, and all it will cost is your voice!”

Katiel: “But then I can’t tell the prince how hot he is!”

Scarsula: “Actions speak louder than words, honey.” *winks*

Katiel: “I am pretty desperate….”

Scarsula: “Great! Sign here!” *holds out paper and pen*

Katiel: *scratches head* “What does it say?”

Scarsula: “Nothing important.” *really quickly* “Just that if you can’t go through with the mission your soul belongs to me.”

Katiel: “That sounds okay.” *signs it* “Anything else I should know?”

Scarsula: “Yeah, you have to get the prince to kiss you before the sun sets at the end of the day, or your soul is mine. If you kiss him, you’re human for good. Got it?”

Katiel: “I can do that!”

Scarsula: “Great! Good luck!” *she snaps her fingers and Katiel appears on a beach, human*

Katiel: “………..!” *frowns, and thinks* Oh yeah, I can’t talk…..

Prince Irvine: *running in with a gun* “Yee haw! Shootin’ seagulls sure is–” *stops dead* “Whoa! A naked chick! This is my lucky day!”

Katiel: *waves*

Prince Irvine: “Hey! You remind me of someone. You didn’t by any chance save me from drowning, did you?”

Katiel: *nods*

Prince Irvine: “Wow! This is great! Nida-the-reject said I was crazy for trying to find you, but I didn’t even try hard and here you are! Naked too! What’s your name?”

Katiel: *goes to talk, but can’t say anything*

Prince Irvine: *frowns* “You can’t talk?”

Katiel: *sadly shakes head no*

Prince Irvine: *sadly* “Oh….I distinctly remember her talking.”

Katiel: *runs into his arms and goes to kiss him*

Nida-the-reject: *coming around* “Prince Irvine! I–” *stops* “Ugh! Prince Irvine, don’t kiss that strange naked chick! You don’t know where she’s been!”

Katiel: *glares at nida-the-reject*

Prince Irvine: “But–“

Nida-the-reject: “No buts. Your father put me in charge of watching you, and now I know why. No kissing the girl.”

Prince Irvine: *frowns* “Can she at least stay at the palace? She’s really hot.”

Nida-the-reject: *sighs in annoyance* “Fine….”

Narrator: “And so Katiel went to stay with Prince Irvine in his castle. Meanwhile, Prince Reno and his mother, Queen Edea, had been doing pretty poorly in their search for a true princess…”

Prince Reno: “I think this test for a true Princess is crap! You got it out of the Enquierer for goodness’ sake, and they reported a girl could spin straw into gold! Now what kind of idiot would fall for that?”

Queen Edea: “Now son, it’s proven that a *true* princess can feel a pea even when placed under 10 mattresses.”

Prince Reno: “Well when we don’t find anyone, can I marry a Playboy bunny?”

Queen Edea: “For the last time *no*! We’ll find you a true princess!”

(knock at the door. a servant opens it and a girl in modest clothing enters)

Noelle: “Hi! I was in town and they told me the Prince was looking for a true Princess! Well I’m your girl–er…Princess. Won’t find a girl more…uh…Princess-like than me!”

Prince Reno: “She’s hot!”

Queen Edea: “If you’re a *true* Princess, why are you dressed in such shabby clothing?”

Noelle: “I was…uh…robbed. Yeah.”

Prince Reno: *arms outstretched* “Aw! Poor girl! Reno’ll make it all better!”

Queen Edea: “Reno!” *holds him back* “Fine my dear, if you are a true Princess, as you say you are, then you’ll have no problem taking our princess test.”

Noelle: *scratches her head* “Am I going to need a number 2 pencil?”

Queen Edea: “No….just sleep now, dear. And we’ll talk in the morning. Reno, show her to her room and *don’t* stay there.”

Narrator: “And so the horny prince led the girl to her room, and once they were alone he shut the door.”

Prince Reno: “Look, I’m going to be honest. You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.”

Noelle: “You’re not too shabby yourself.”

Prince Reno: “In the morning, tell my mother that you slept horrible, like there was this huge ball under all the mattresses or something, okay? Then you’ll pass the test and we can get married and…do….*other* things.” *wink*

Noelle: “Okay!” *climbs onto the bed* “Hey! This really *is* uncomfortable! What, is there a bowling ball under here or something?”

Prince Reno: “You’re a good actress! See you in the morning hot stuff.” *he leaves*

Noelle: *frowns* “I wasn’t joking…..”

Narrator: “We’ll see how things turn out for her later. But for now we’re back to Ashley and Beast Seifer. They lived happily together for some time, and everyone was sure she was going to break the spell. Beast Seifer, you see, was madly in love with the girl. However, one day he upset the girl and she went running back home.”

Beast Seifer: *pacing* “What can I do to get her back?”

Selphie Potts: “You should have never said Dragon Ball Z is better than Gundam Wing!”

LumiQuistis: “And that crack about Duo didn’t help either.”

CogsRed: “You’ll need to do some serious apologizing.”

Narrator: “Meanwhile, Ashley returned to town and ran into the completely evil Reevston.”

Reevston: *frowns* “I’m completely evil now?”

Narrator: “Yes! Now act like it!”

Ashley: *runs back into town, crying* “Duo does *not* look like a girl!”

Reevston: “What’s wrong, Ashley?” *narrator coughs* “Um….I’m sure it’s something *I* a manly, masculine, manly man can fix!”

Ashley: “The beast was mean! He insulted Gundam Wing and Duo!”

Reevston: “The beast?! What beast?”

Ashley: “The beast in the castle two miles from here!”

Reevston: “There’s a dangerous beast living around here and no one told me!” *pause* “I bet I volunteer to go kill it, right?” *turns to narrator* “Right?”

Narrator: “Right! Now go!”

Reevston: “Right!” *takes a paper clip out of his pocket and marches out of the town*

Ashley: “No! Don’t hurt him!” *runs after reevston*

Narrator: “And now, the exciting conclusion to the story involving the now Princess Shell.”

Miller Kiros: *taking a bath in money* “I love my son-in-law! Ward does too!”

Prince Rufus: “Shell, thanks to all the gold you spun, I was able to build 10 more Mako reactors. In thanks, I give one of them to you, to do with as you like. Just don’t blow it up though. I don’t really want to relive Gongaga again.” *shudders and gives her the deed*

Princess Shell: “Thanks, dear!” *kisses him*

Prince Rufus: “I have to go get your father out of the bathtub.” *he leaves*

(suddenly the funny little man pops out of nowhere)

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Gya haa haa! I have returned for what you promised me!”

Princess Shell: “Oh no!”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Gya haa haa! Yes! Hand over the deed to the Mako Reactor!”

Princess Shell: “No! I want to keep my Mako Reactor! Isn’t there any possible way?”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Gya haa haa! Fine! If you guess my name, you can keep it!”

Princess Shell: “Umm…..Bob?”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Gya haa haa! No!”

Princess Shell: “Ray?”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Gya haa haa! No!”

Princess Shell: “Rumpelgyahaahaa?”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Gya haa–huh? No!!! How did you guess?!”

Princess Shell: “Easy. It’s the third most popular name in the kingdom. I was just going down the list.”

Rumpelgyahaahaa: “Gya haa–boo hoo!” *disappears*

Prince Rufus: *calls* “Oh darling dearest! You father says Ward says he could stay in the tub as long as he wants!”

Princess Shell: “Tell him Ward isn’t even *in* the damn story!”

Narrator: “And that’s the end of that chapter. But what about Lizzylocks, who fell asleep in Zellbear’s bed…??”

(the three garden students return to their house)

Zellbear: “You did ditch me to make out again! See! I’m not dumb!”

Squallbear: *rolls eyes* “Whatever.”

Rinoabear: “Zellbear, did you leave the door unlocked?”

Zellbear: “Uh…..no?”

(they go in)

Rinoabear: “Hey! Someone took a bite of my hot dog!”

Squallbear: *looks at his half eaten hot dog* “Whatever.”

Zellbear: *sobs* “Someone ate my whole hot dog! It’s just not fair, dammit!”

Rinoabear: “I think we’ve been robbed! We better check the house!”

(they run into the next room)

Rinoabear: *spots her bent up pet pals magazine* “Someone was reading my magazine!”

Squallbear: *looks at his weapons monthly, thrown like crap on the floor* “Whatever.”

Zellbear: *looks in the garbage* “Someone was reading my magazine, and they threw it out when they were done! My best limit break was in there!” *takes it out and brushes it off* “Ew!”

Rinoabear: “We better check upstairs!”

(they run upstairs)

Rinoa: “Someone threw my stuffed animals on the floor!”

Squallbear: *looks at his bed with a pillow out of place* “Whatever.”

Zellbear: “Someone is in my bed right now!”

Lizzylocks: *wakes up* “Huh?”

Rinoabear: “Sic her, Angelo!”

(the dog comes out of nowhere, chases Lizzylocks out of the house and into the woods. the garden students watch out the window)

Lizzylocks: “Ahhhhhhhh!!!”

Rinoabear: “I think we’ve learned a lesson today.”

Squallbear: “Whatever.”

Narrator: “Looks like everything didn’t end so happily ever after for Lizzylocks!” *laughs*

Lizzylocks: *enters, all beaten up and bloody. she whacks the narrator over the head with her shoe*

Narrator: *gurgle* *sputter* *passes out*

Lizzylocks: “Heh heh.”

(ten minutes later)

Narrator: *comes to* “Anyway, we’ll save the fate of Princess Lark for later and go on to Katiel. Looks like Katiel’s father was worried about her and knew just who was behind this: Scarsula.”

King Bariton: “YOU DID WHAT?!”

Scarsula: “I took her voice and turned her into a human. What, you never heard this story before?”


Scarsula: “No can do. You see, she has until sunset to kiss him or her soul belongs to me.”

King Bariton: “No! I’ve gotta warn her, yo!” *swims out*

Scarsula: “Kya haa haa! You’ll never make it! You’ve only five minutes left!”

Narrator: “While Bariton hurried to warn him daughter of her impending doom, Prince Irvine and Katiel, now dressed, hung out on the beach.”

Prince Irvine: “I really wish I knew if you had any diseases. Then I could kiss you.”

Katiel: *looks upset* “………”

Prince Irvine: “I wish I at least knew your name.”

Katiel: *lightbulb above her head* *smiling, she grabs a stick and scrawls in the sand: My name is Katiel and I don’t have any diseases– kiss me now!*

Prince Irvine: *grins* “Good enough for me!”

(he leans over to kiss her, but the sun as already gone down, and Katiel is a mermaid again, with a voice)

Katiel: “Oh no!”

Prince Irvine: “What the hell?”

Katiel: “Irvine! I’m really a mermaid! I’m the one who saved you from drowning! I thought you were really hot and I couldn’t let you die!”

Prince Irvine: “I knew it! I never should have listened to Nida-the-reject! He’s not called the-reject for nothing!”

King Bariton: “NO! Katiel! @#%!”

Scarsula: “Kya haa haa! Her soul is mine!” *starts sucking out Katiels soul*

Prince Irvine: “No one steals my cowgirl!” *picks up his gun and shoots scarsula*

Scarsula: “Crap.” *falls down dead*

Katiel: “Yeah! I’m alive!”

King Bariton: “What? A human saved my daughter?!” *glares* “Yo! How can I repay ya?”

Prince Irvine: “You can turn your daughter into a human and let me marry her.”

Katiel: “Please, daddy? It would make me ever so happy!”

King Bariton: *sighs* “Fine.” *uses his staff to turn her into a human, with clothes on*

Katiel: “Yeah!”

Prince Irvine: “Whoo hoo!”

(they kiss)

Nida-the-reject: *running in* “Prince Irvine! What did I tell you about kissing that skank?”

King Bariton: *waves his staff and turns nida-the-reject into a frog* “@#$% off, prick!”

Nida-the-reject: “At least now they’ll call me Nida-the-frog….”

Narrator: “And so everything ended happily for them as well. As for the young Princess wanna be Noelle….it is now the next morning…”

Noelle: *comes into the kitchen, rubbing her back* “Damn!”

Queen Edea: “How did you sleep, my dear?”

Noelle: “Terrible! What the hell was under those mattresses? My back is killing me!”

Prince Reno: *does silent dance of victory*

Queen Edea: *jaw drops* “You’re kidding, right?”

Prince Reno: “Nope! MomI’mmarryingthisonewe’regoingtobeddonotdisturb.” *picks up Noelle and runs out of the room with her*

Queen Edea: “Wait!” *frowns* “Well…if he won’t marry her first, as least he found her…”

Noelle: *from down the hall* “Ow! Watch my back!”

Narrator: “Happy ending there too! Things are looking up…but how up for Ashley and Beast Seifer?”

Reevston: *paper clip in the air* “Ha ha! Come out and fight me for Ashley’s love, beast!”

Ashley: “No! Don’t hurt him, Reevston!”

Beast Seifer: *runs out of the house, waving a gunblade* “I’ll kill you good!”

Reevston: *pales, shaking* “I never wanted to be the villain anyway!” *runs away*

Beast Seifer: “Whoo hoo! I win!”

Ashley: *smiles* “I love you, Beast.”

Beast Seifer: “I love you too, Ashley.”

Narrator: “And then, to Ashley’s surprise, Beast Seifer transformed back into Prince Seifer, in his oh so handsome human form! All the servants were changed too.”

Ashley: *blinks* “Damn you’re hot!”

Prince Seifer: “Will you marry me, Ashley?”

Ashley: “Of course!” *they kiss*

Selphie: *as a human* “Hooray! Aw, aren’t they cute?”

Quistis: *as a human, tries to pick selphie’s pocket* “Sure…”

Red: *as a cat/dog* “I liked being a clock….at least then people knew what the hell I was….”

Narrator: “All’s happily ever after there too! But what about Princess Lark, who fell into sleep only to be wakened by true love’s kiss?”

Prince Sephiroth: *rides up the faires cabin* “This had better be it, Jenova. This is the last cabin in the woods.” *gets off the horse and knocks*

Fairy Elena: *answers crying* “Yes?”

Prince Sephiroth: “I’m looking for a really beautiful young girl, about eighteen, red dress, pretty singing voice.”

Fairy Elena: *sobs* “You mean Princess Lark? She’s gone!”

Prince Sephiroth: “Gone?! What do you mean?”

Fairy Tseng: “Yesterday was her 18th birthday, and when she was born Millif-Hojo put a spell on her that she would die! But I changed it so she would only fall asleep, to awaken at true love’s kiss. But we don’t know where she was taken!”

Fairy Rude: “Does this outfit make me look like a girl?”

Prince Sephiroth: “Good! She’s legal! I’ll find her and kiss her!” *mutters* “I’ll do more than that if I have the time…” *louder* “I just have to have her!!”

Fairy Elena: “For your wife?”

Prince Sephiroth: “….Yeah….that’s it….”

Fairy Tseng: “Well hurry up! Find her!”

Prince Sephiroth: “Right away!” *jumps on his horse and rides off*

Fairy Rude: *frowns* “He never answered my question.”

Narrator: “And so the noble Prince Sephiroth rode around relentlessly until he saw the castle protected by acres and acres of prickly bushes.”

Prince Sephiroth: *eyes the bushes* “Hmmm…nothing my masamune can’t handle! Come on, Jenova!” *he takes out his sword and hacks through the acres of prickly bushes, finally he reaches the castle* “She better be in here!” *he runs up the stairs and comes to the bedroom at the top and sees her lying peacefully on the bed. out of breath, he goes over and stares down at her* “I have found you, my love. Screw Jenova. You can become one with the planet with me.” *pause* “Nah, screw the planet. It would be better if you just became one with me.” *bends down and passionately kisses her*

Princess Lark: *eyes open, kisses prince sephiroth back a little before pushing him off her* “Oh! Prince Sephiroth! You woke me up! I was having a great dream about Treize from Gundam Wing!”

Prince Sephiroth: “I love you, Princess Lark.”

Princess Lark: “Huh? What was that? I wasn’t really listening.”

Prince Sephiroth: *sighs in annoyance* “I want you *really* badly.”

Princess Lark: *confused* “What do you mean?”

Prince Sephiroth: “Screw it.” *pounces on her*

Narrator: “And so we shall censor the rest of this story. Needless to say Prince Sephiroth finally got what he wanted….and I’m not talking about the planet thing. The End.”

Lark: *wakes up on the floor of the ramble room* “What the hell….” *thinks* “No….what I think happened at the end of that story didn’t really happen, right?” *looks around and sees sephiroth on the couch of the ramble room, smiling from ear to ear. she goes over and hits him* “Sephy-sama, wake up!”

Sephiroth: *jerks awake* “Huh? You! Weren’t we–” *pause, frown* “Wait. Damn.” *pause* “I mean good!” *fake smile*

Lark: “What the hell are you talking about?” *laughs and shakes her head as she walks out*

(sephiroth makes sure she’s gone before he tiptoes over to the book, takes it and hides it under his jacket)

Sephiroth: “This is as close as I’m going to get for now.”

And They All Lived Happily Ever After Till the Next Ramble…
(a.k.a the end)

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