Character Profiles

Final Fantasy Characters

Cloud through Kefka

Gundam Wing

Heero through Treize

Other Video Game Characters

Dracula through Edward

Final Fantasy Characters



[in 289 words]

Cloud was never one of my favorite characters in the game, and I suppose that shows in my portrayal of him. I actually got the idea of him being totally out of it all the time from somewhere else. Since I thought it was funny, I decided to use it as the basis of his character in the rambles. As for the drunk thing, I’m not sure where that came from, but it was good to have a way for him to act normal.

As the rambles got on Cloud seemed to just more and more out there. And for a long time it seemed like no one was really doing anything to try and help him. Other than prevent him from killing himself or something. But towards the end I started to get tired of Cloud constantly having no idea what was going on. Also, following the release of Advent Children I started to become a bigger fan of Cloud. So I decided that by the end of the rambles I wanted him to be back to normal. Enter the Video Game Character Therapy Center, and enter Zack.

I’ve always been kind of a Zack x Cloud fan. That relationship just makes a lot of sense to me. And I had hinted at it numerous times throughout the rambles. So in the end it had to be them together. And Zack had to be the one to finally get Cloud back to normal. And they just fell back into place.

Any comedy from Cloud was gone by this point. “Normal” Cloud is a pretty typical guy. But after suffering trapped in this own head for all those years I think the character served his purpose. He deserved happiness.

Some favorite Cloud moments:  Attacks Sephiroth after reciting lines from FF7 (Sing Your Heart Out (part two); Can’t remember who Aeris is (The Great Bishounen Snatcher); Says good-bye to Zack (Somewhere In My Memory (part two)


[in 248 words]

Tifa’s main job throughout most of the rambles was to take care of Cloud. She had basically dedicated her life to him. She looked past Cloud’s crumbling exterior and focused on the person she knew was trapped inside. For most of it Tifa was almost a little too obsessed with Cloud, even going so far as to admit she was saving her virginity for him.  She was almost a little too loyal and devoted to him.

As a character I was never a big fan of Tifa. I really thought she was too much with Cloud, and that’s basically the way I portrayed her. But as far as other Final Fantasy females are concerned, Tifa really wasn’t that bad. She does have this inner strength to her. And that’s why when I was thinking up partners for Richter Belmont, Tifa was the first name that sprang to mind.

Richter and Tifa are a good match. They both have strong convictions about loyalty, friends and family. They are both fighters. At the same time Richter is good for Tifa because he gives her the support and love she had always previously craved from Cloud.

Tifa has grown enormously over the course of the rambles. She went from devoted Cloud follower to happily settling for being his friend. She found someone else she loves and has become a mother. Tifa will always be there for Cloud, but she also has other priorities now. Her world revolves around Cloud no more.

Some favorite Tifa moments: Maintains she’s not a hoebag (Follow That Seph!); Rides the Irvine express (The Monster Mash Fiasco); Gives birth to Duke (Brave New Belmont)


[in 182 words]

Oh, Mr. T…er, I mean Barret. Barret, along with Cid, has stood for one thing throughout the rambles. And that is annoying the crap out of poor Red.  Also I’m pretty sure his grammar has gotten worse and worse as the rambles progressed.

I have always liked Barret as a character. In the game he mostly yelled stuff and talked about how he had no idea what was going on. In the rambles Barret still yells with pretty much every sentence. “Yo” is a favorite word of his. He is also almost never without Cid. Because they were always together Barret basically served as Cid’s kind of translator.

The main thing Barret did throughout the rambles was call Red everything but his own name. Along with Cid he followed poor Red around trying to get him to eat cat food or do whatever crazy idea they came up with. Admittedly, with his rap music, his Ebonics, Cid at his side and his constant names for Red, Barret was pretty much a one note character. But it was a role he filled well.

Some favorite Barret moments: Chooses Red’s punk ass (Follow That Seph! (part two);  Marries Red (Till Death Do Us…WHAT!?”); Uses Red as a fur coat (The Amazing Nap)

[in 184 words]

The amount of times Cid has spoken actual words are few and far between. A majority of the time whatever he is saying is full of so many swear words it cannot even begin to be written down. But whatever he’s saying, people do tend to agree with Cid a lot.

Cid is one of my favorite characters in Final Fantasy VII, and I was amused at his random cursing in the game. So I took it to the extreme. And I never got tired of Cid never having any real lines. It worked because everyone else always understood what he was saying.

Barret and Cid, with their constant torture of Red, were an infamous twosome. Rarely one was seen without the other. But then Cid got a crush on Koudelka, and tried to pursue her. Putting them together was something that just came to me out of nowhere. Because both of them were rather rough about the edges, I just saw that pairing working out. And besides, maybe it was time for Barret and Cid to be separate for a little while. @#$@^#$^&!

Some favorite Cid moments: Giving the traffic report (Shinra TV – Now In Color); Thanks Red (Life Is Taxing (part two); Reaction to Tseng’ tirade (Sailing For Adventure (part three)

[in 429 words]

Most people love Vincent, some don’t, but most do. He’s a big fan favorite. He’s also one of my favorites. I like mysterious characters. And Vincent’s all about mystery in the game.

Poor ramble Vincent is most well known for the abuse he puts up with from Sephiroth. It’s no secret that Vincent loves Sephiroth and has loved him for a very long time. He practically raised Sephiroth and he tried to stick up with him when Hojo was abusing him with his awful experiments. And how does he get repaid? By being repeatedly dumped. First for Lark, then for Alucard. And then he was just ignored for awhile.

Vincent used to be a Turk and part of what he did was help take care of Sephiroth. He was often the only one around that Sephiroth could really talk to, and Sephiroth became very attached to Vincent. Soon that attachment turned to love and Vincent realized he was falling for him too. Vincent was ashamed by these feelings, ashamed because Sephiroth was Lucretia’s son, but also because he knew things between them could never work. In the end he couldn’t help but give into his feelings. In the end, he paid a high price for his love. A price he doesn’t regret.

Vincent is a very kind person. He tries to see the good in people, especially in Sephiroth. He won’t be convinced that Sephiroth is bad. And truly, he does know him better than anyone. Because of the hardships he’s dealt with Vincent’s very subdued. It takes a lot to get him agitated. Usually the only thing that gets him angry is Hojo or Shinra.

Auron took a liking to Vincent right away. I guess it was because, unlike most of the people in the ramble room, they are mature adults. Sephiroth knew Auron was after Vincent but no one else believed him. Well, he was right because after Sephiroth dumped Vincent for Alucard Auron moved right in. Unlike Sephiroth he sticks up for Vincent constantly and never talks down to him. Finally, a weary Vincent gave in to his advances. But it’s still pretty clear that while he does like Auron as a friend, he still loves Sephiroth.

It’s not hard to see that Vincent will stick by Sephiroth until the end of time. He had his moments when he strayed because he was feeling extremely lonely. But Sephiroth always strayed first. Vincent always seemed to have almost infinite patience when it came to Sephiroth. It just goes to show you how much he truly loves him.

Some favorite Vincent moments: With his trusty wipe and write board (Too Close To Call); Stepping on the mirror (Sephiroth Land); Finding Sephiroth’s award in the trash (Sephiroth’s Award)

[in 74 words]

Yuffie was a character I never liked too much in the game. I always found her rather annoying and obsessed with materia. Hence her role as the materia obsessed freak.

And that was pretty much her only role. Yuffie is mainly seen with the other Final Fantasy girls. Occasionally she will also annoy Seifer. But all she wants is materia. And more of it. A one sided character who never really got much use.

A favorite Yuffie moment: Chasing Seifer (Just Give Me the Freakin’ Candy!); Running the chocobo racing (Sephiroth Land)


[in 218 words]

Poor, poor Red. Due to the conduct of Barret and Cid he was definitely one of the more abused characters in the ramble room. Red really had no friends and was stuck with those two following him around, calling him all sorts of crazy names. To say he hated it would be putting it lightly. He couldn’t stand Barret or Cid and often said many nasty things about them.

Red was good at depressing everyone around him with his general melancholy attitude. But at the same time no one could blame him for being that way. Still, it didn’t make too many people want to stop and talk to him.

I’ve always been a big fan of Red. And I also liked the way he was portrayed in the rambles. With all the crazies running around it was nice to have a “straight” character around who was always subdued. He also was good for one line zingers, mostly aimed Barret and Cid about how he wished he could kill them or himself.

Red’s relationship with Barret and Cid never really evolved over the course of the rambles. A sign of their immaturity, I suppose. But at least in the end he had his grandfather Bugenhagen back. So there as a tiny bit of happiness for an otherwise cat/rat/moo.

Some favorite Red moments:  The ruining of his lion mating special (Yuri-in For a Big Surprise); Mourning that no evil creature crawled out of the TV (Some Porn Can Be Bad); Speech to Tom Nook (Life Is Taxing (part two)


[in 600 words]

Obviously, I am a Sephiroth fan. A huge, huge one. And it has less to do with his looks and more to do with his character. I am a sucker for a good villain. And Sephiroth is an awesome villain. He had a messed up past which lead to what he became in the end. And I just think that’s so sad. And I feel really bad for him.

It should also be pretty obvious that Sephiroth is one of my favorite ramble characters. He is a consistently funny character because he always has something to say. But at the same time he is easily serious.

Over the course of the rambles Sephiroth changed a lot. He had a lot of trouble finally accepting he could be happy with what he wanted. He was too scared it would be taken away from him again. After putting his heart and soul into Vincent he could hardly deal with the pain when Vincent was gone. With Vincent back he was scared to have history repeat itself. Hence his treatment of poor Vincent.

Before I dive further into Sephiroth’s romantic relationships, I’d like to discuss his family a bit. Clearly he’s waiting for the day for Hojo to die. He’d be happy to never see him again. Sephiroth doesn’t want any praise from him. His mother, however, is another story. After being cold and unsure about her at first, Sephiroth learned to take Lucretia back into his life and appreciated having her around.

Sephiroth also didn’t make friends easily. Aside from Lark and Vincent, easily his two best friends in the ramble room, Sephiroth would call Tseng and Twilight his closest friends. Tseng because of their past together and Twilight because of their scary similarities. He also managed to befriend Alucard. There were other people Sephiroth could stand, but for the most part he had more people he disliked than liked. People he obviously didn’t like to be around include Irvine, Rufus and Zell, and especially Dante and Auron. Aside from Hojo Auron is probably the person Sephiroth hates the most. And this is because of his closeness with Vincent. As for Dante, Sephiroth does have some kind of respect for him deep down. But on the outside he cannot stand the fact that Dante thinks he’s so much better than him.

Sephiroth’s romantic relationships never worked out well. First he went after Lark. He did love her, but mostly as a friend. He managed to warp this love into romantic love. The chase kept him distracted. But once he got her they couldn’t keep things together. Her friendship with Vincent made him jealous – not of her, but of him. They broke up. Sephiroth kind of went back to Vincent, but I would hardly called what they had loving. Sephiroth then cheated on Vincent for Alucard. They went out for awhile. Even longer than he and Lark had. And Sephiroth tried to make it work with Alucard. He did. But his heart just wasn’t in it. He didn’t love Alucard, and Alucard didn’t love him. After Alucard wound up cheating on him Sephiroth felt lost. He couldn’t bring himself to go back to Vincent. But at the same time he couldn’t be with anyone else. He tried going after Lark again, lonely and craving someone familiar again.

Despite his inner struggles, on the outside Sephiroth acted like nothing but a cocky, self-centered jerk. He always had something to say and definitely had the tendency to be violent. But hidden away behind that tough guy exterior was one of the most complicated ramble characters.

Some favorite Sephiroth moments: Back to normal (One Winged Angel); Washing Alucard’s hair (A Vampire In Every Home, And a Gundam In Every Garage); Sexual food chain (Family Fitness)

[in 552 words]

Rufus J. Shinra, where the J. stands for nothing and the Shinra stands for evil. Well, not really. Rufus is one of my favorite Final Fantasy characters period. Plus he’s cute. And that never hurts.

Like all my other favorite Shinra characters Rufus has a backstory that I made up for him. Basically Rufus’ mother died when he was little and his father had better things to do than take care of his son. As soon as he was old enough Rufus was shipped off to boarding school and almost never came home. Almost every time his father planned to visit he didn’t show up and left poor little Rufus waiting for him. Eventually this started to affect him. Rufus taught himself that he couldn’t rely on anyone else, and he’s not very trusting. He also later finds out that when he was a baby his father injected him with Mako and Jenova. Fun!

Rufus is one of my favorite characters from Final Fantasy VII. I just liked him right from the beginning. I guess I just liked his arrogance and how cool and cold he was. I guess I also liked how he kept pushing his hair out of his face. It’s funny how ramble Rufus is not much like game Rufus.

Rufus in the rambles is, on the surface, just a spoiled, eccentric, money hungry, self absorbed rich dude who treats his employees like crap and isn’t above trying to rip anybody off or cut some illegal corners. Rufus is all about business and trying to make more money. Really, he doesn’t know how to do anything else.

Rufus always thinks with his wallet first, and that often gets him into trouble, especially when it comes to his employees. Though he may seem too cold hearted and uncaring, deep down Rufus is a good person who does care. He’s just been taught to be cold hearted, so it can take awhile for the light to go on in his head sometimes.

Because Rufus wasn’t really loved as a child, it probably explains his attachment to Mr. Jingles, his stuffed bear. He feels the need to treat Mr. Jingles like he was really, and constantly buys him expensive things and dresses him up. As a young gazillionaire with a troubled past, he has to be at least a little eccentric.

As for friends, well, Rufus doesn’t really have too many close friends. His closest friend is Algus, but when it comes down to a life or death matter, he’s only concerned with taking Mr. Jingles and running for the hills. So while he is a caring person, deep down inside, Rufus mostly is just in it for himself.

I thought Elena and Rufus would make a good couple. She does love Shinra just like he does. And it would take someone understanding and upbeat like her to put up with his temporary insanity and tendency to think with his pocketbook. Also, she had the kindess and sweet side of her that brought out the kind side of him.

Mr. Burns on The Simpsons reminds me of how I picture Rufus when he’s an old man.

Rufus is like a nut. He’s a little bit crazy, and he’s hard to crack, but he really is a softie deep down on the inside.

Some favorite Rufus moments: Selling his employees (Uncle Rufus?!), Breaking the mirror (Ramble Room Is Falling Down, My Fair Larky); Death tape in the isolation chamber (Some Porn Can Be Bad)

[in 338 words]

Reeve is another one of my favorite characters from Final Fantasy characters. I liked how noble he was in the game, trying to help the good guys and the people in the city.

According to my back story, Reeve’s mother died right after he was born. For this his father shunned him. Luckily, Reeve’s grandmother was always there for him and already encouraged Reeve to do well. A natural genius, Reeve skipped several grades in school. Because he was much younger than the other kids, however, he was often picked on. Aside from his grandmother Reeve had a pretty lonely childhood and really never had any friends.

There’s no proof anywhere that Reeve actually drew up the plans for Midgar himself, but I like to think he did. Consequently he’s not too happy with how his city turned out. He really does not like working at Shinra and all the bad things the company does. His mission is really to help others, especially those in Midgar.

Besides that, Reeve is generally a dork. He’s a genius who knows tons of useless (and useful) information that he’s happy to share at any time. Reeve’s biggest interests include architecture, math and robots.  The main robot would, of course, be Cait Sith, who Reeve can’t seem to part from, despite the fact that the thing obviously hates him and wants him dead.

Reeve, unlike most of the other Final Fantasy characters, is not much of a fighter. His weapon, quite famously, is a paperclip, which really isn’t much of a weapon at all.

At the beginning of the rambles Reeve was dating Bria, but wound up becoming smitten with Tseng and they wound up together. Reeve loves Tseng very much. But he does always have the worry that Tseng will cheat on him with someone better looking. Reeve is rather self conscious about his looks.

Overall, Reeve is a very kind and caring individual. He’s a good friend, a good worker and he’s good at trivia. He’s just not good at fighting.

Some favorite Reeve moments: As Cait Sith (Animal Farm); Messing up the vows (You May Now Kiss The…Groom?); As a pilgrim (Reeve Saves Thanksgiving)

Cait Sith

[in 158 words]

At fist I hated Cait Sith. Then I liked him. Now I hate him again. I can’t really explain why. I love Reeve. I just find Cait Sith so annoying. This explains how I portray him in the rambles.

Cait Sith in the rambles hates Reeve and wants him dead. He tries to kill him repeatedly. But for the reason no one can understand, Reeve consistently defends Cait Sith and tries to involve him. Tseng especially hates Cait Sith and tries to make Reeve see the light, but to no avail.

There was a period in the rambles where Cait Sith died in every ramble a la Kenny in South Park. It was amusing for the time it lasted. And Cait Sith really did deserve to die over and over again. At least in my book.

As much as I don’t like Cait Sith, I like the evilness of his character in the ramble. I think it’s funny.

Some favorite Cait Sith moments: The autograph nobody wanted (Sephiroth Land); Lighting Reeve on fire (Highly Flammable); Off to jail (Life Is Taxing (part two)


[in 799 words]

Tseng is, hands down, my favorite Final Fantasy character. Why? Well, I think because I started writing about him and just fell in love with the character I created. Because, face it, he’s not in the game very much.

I am consoled by the fact that somehow he did not die in the game. How that happened I don’t know, and I don’t really care. If Square wants to say aliens came down and healed him, hell, I’ll take it. The important thing is that he lived. Because after Tseng disappeared/died halfway through the game before Advent Children came out, it was a sad time indeed. You didn’t get to learn too much about the character. He seemed to be a dedicated Shinra employee, and even though he did slap Aeris in the helicopter, you could tell he wasn’t totally bad.

The back story I invented for Tseng is that his parents and siblings died after his house burned down. This was only a month or so after they had moved to Midgar from Wutai. He then lived on the street for awhile, eventually fell into a job with Don Corneo. There he met Bryatt. They became fast friends/friends with benefits. Long story short they tried to escape. Bryatt stole some stuff. The Don’s goons chased after them and shot Bryatt. Tseng, in a fit of fear/rage, grabbed the stolen gun from Bryatt and shot them both dead. Bryatt died, but Shinra recruited Tseng for the Turks.

Tseng is totally devoted to Shinra in the ‘real’ story, but in the rambles, well, not so much. He’s not afraid to stand up to Rufus and tell him when he doesn’t like something. In fact he and Rufus bang heads fairly often. But at the same time he’s still doing his Turk duties…

To his fellow Turks, Tseng is someone to be looked up to. Reno, Rude and Elena all do, and Elena was even in love with him for the longest time. Tseng, however, doesn’t feel like he’s worth looking up to. He used to have to scold Elena all the time for being overly zealous, but that has stopped as of late.

It’s funny that everyone talks about what a skank Tseng used to be, but in the rambles themselves he has never been with anyone other than Reeve. Even Reeve has been with more people than him in the rambles. Funny how that worked out. I make a lot of references to Tseng’s slutty past because, according to me, he really was. Because he ended up alone as a kid he made the comparison that ‘hey, if they have sex with me, they must like me!’ He likes to be liked. The whole ‘abandoned as a young boy’ thing is also way he is so protective of children, like what happened with Max.

So, Tseng did have a relationship with Sephiroth which was unhealthy for both of them. He also got prayed upon by Hojo. But his one true love was always Reeve. Even though Tseng was only 15 when he came to Shinra and Reeve was five years older, they became fast friends.

Anyway, in the rambles Tseng still likes attention. He loves Reeve more than anything and would never cheat, but he knows how to get attention and old habits die hard. At the same time he’s jealous of how smart Reeve is. He really doesn’t think too much of himself in that department, even though he really is very smart. He feels like all he has for him is his looks, and he really is pretty vain about it.

Tseng had been after Reeve for so long, finally being with him is a dream come true. For Tseng, seeing Reeve was nearly love at first sight. He couldn’t settle for anyone less and finally his patience was rewarded. Tseng often doesn’t feel like he’s worth more than his good looks and his Turk talents. This lead to him convincing himself that he was stupid and Reeve thought so as well. This also lead to his obsession with money to prove to everyone that he had a brain that was worth something.

Tseng doesn’t like being a Turk and he doesn’t like the things he has to do. But at the same time he feels he is in Shinra’s debt and can’t go up against them. Most of the time he’s not really proud of his Turk skills, but just like the other Turks he can get cocky about it.

Tseng loves children, and while his daughter Lily was a total surprise, it was a more than welcome one. And between him, Reeve, Lily, Elena and Rufus they have created their own little family. In a way it sort of compensates for the one he lost.

Some favorite Tseng moments: Traumatized in the Temple of the Ancients (Sephiroth Land);  They never do (To Be a Turk); Drunkenly telling off Rufus (Sailing For Adventure (part three)


[in 293 words]

Elena, once the most over eager member of the Turks, has certainly come a long way in the rambles. In the beginning she was constantly being berated by Tseng, that is when she wasn’t falling all over him. Now as wife and mother, she has matured into a more mature woman who is known for being kind and intelligent, as well as upbeat.

I like all the Turks, and Elena is no exception. Yeah, in the game she stuck out from the others a lot, but considering she was the only non-whore woman in Shinra we got to see, she was pretty good. Elena’s hyperness definitely carried over to the rambles, especially in the beginning, as did Tseng’s correcting of her.

For most of the rambles Elena wasn’t known for much, other than being yelled at by Tseng, falling all over Tseng, or cheerfully supporting Rufus. Out of all the Shinra members, she was always the most likely to support Rufus. But even she wasn’t always on board. At one point she took her obsession with Tseng pretty far – to the point where she was carrying his child. Not sure who she was doing it for anymore, Elena had her baby girl. But instead of using the baby as a way to get closer to Tseng, Elena grew up and handled the baby rearing responsibilities in partner with Tseng and Reeve.

Somewhere along the way, she fell in love with Rufus. At the beginning, Rufus had never seemed too impressed with the chipper blonde, but as she began acting more responsible he suddenly began to take an interest. And this was an interest she found herself returning. Tseng who? Elena is a good fit for Rufus, because she is supportive yet realistic.

Some favorite Elena moments: Tries to bid for Tseng (Men Start at 1.50);  I’m scared (One Winged Angel); Making Tseng deliver the baby (Lily of the Snow Valley)


[in 574 words]

I’ve always thought of Reno as one of the more important ramble characters. He’s in almost every one of them and he has a big role.

Reno is, of course, a Turk, and I’m a big fan of all the Turks. Like almost all the other characters in Shinra, he has a backstory that I made up for him and that I go by, even in the rambles. Basically Reno’s dad left his mom when Reno and his sister, Trini, were little. Reno’s mom ended up living with their uncle (father’s brother) instead. He was a very abusive man. Reno’s mother worked most of the time and Reno lived a pretty sheltered life as a kid. He always wanted to go out and play with the other kids but his uncle would never let him. One day his uncle lost his temper and totally snapped – he wound up killing Reno’s mother in front of both kids. Not wanting to get caught, he went for 15 year old Reno next. But Reno fought back and, even though he got scratched deeply on both cheeks, he wound up stabbing his uncle instead. Reno thought he would end up in jail, but Shinra recruited him instead. (In my book, with the exception of Elena, the Turks are recruited because they were all young people who killed someone, usually by accident.) His sister went to an orphanage. Now free from the confines of his uncle, Reno was free to do anything he wanted…and he took advantage of that.

I know there are a lot of people in the fandom who don’t like to see Reno portrayed as a drunken sexaholic who’s a bit of a slob, up for anything and constantly hunting for chicks. But based on the backstory that I created for him, you can see why he’s like that. He grew up sheltered, and now that he can do anything he want, he does. Besides, there’s a lot more to Reno than any of that.

Reno has showed his depth on many occasions, especially with his relationship with Irvine. Reno and Irvine are friends, but Reno is also kind of like an older brother to Irvine, and he does look out for him. Reno also cares a lot for his co-wokers. They’re like his family. Reno also doesn’t like to have enemies. He likes to try and get along with everyone. He’s pretty easy going.

Even though it may seem that Reno is nothing more than a party animal, he does have a serious side to him. He has had his heart broken before. He can fall in love and be with just one woman.

You won’t catch Reno cry so easily…Turks aren’t supposed to cry and he has that drilled into his brain. Reno looks up to his boss, Tseng, the most. Tseng trained him to be a Turk, but since Reno was brought into the Turks at such a young age, Tseng also taught him to be a man.

Reno knows how to have fun, and he loves a good time. He is a big slacker at work and really doesn’t think too much of Rufus. But one thing about Reno is that he knows why he is the way he is, and even though it does seem like it, he has seen a lot of hardship in his time. Reno’s made of strong stuff – a lot stronger than it may seem.

Some favorite Reno moments: Getting arrested for glass bottles on the beach (Sun, Sand and Seaweed); Who wants to bang Reno (Sephiroth Land); Explaining the Church of Reno (The Church of Reno)


[in 427 words]

Rude is one of the ramble characters that is seen more than he is heard. Though not a really talkative guy, Rude is a pretty common character in the rambles, due to his relationship with Shell as well as his position with Shinra.

Rude is a Turk, of course. And he comes with his own back story that I actually did not make up. Shell created Rude’s back story. In fact, Rude is not even really his real name. Out of all the Turks, Rude is probably the most secretive and rarely talks about himself. His real name is Oron, and Rude is in fact not an orphan like his other male co-workers. As a child Rude hated the Shinra and planned against them. But after decimating the economy of his hometown of Kalm, Rude swore to his childhood friend he would punish himself. And he did that by joining Shinra and the Turks – everything he hated. The strangest part is he got there by blowing up a building that was being built by Shinra – the doings of a revengeful Heidegger.

In the rambles Rude is best known for being broke all the time. This is because he is always having to buy things for the materialistic Shell. Rude is always  willing to work extra or do other jobs in order to make more money. At one particularly low time he was wearing newspapers on his feet. But Rude really does love Shell, in part probably because he likes to be ordered around.

But Rude has many hidden talents as well. In fact over the course of the rambles he has proven to be good at pretty much everything he has tried, such as writing poetry, singing and drawing. Rude is also very, very lucky when it comes to gambling. In fact he hasn’t lost yet. Makes you wonder why he doesn’t hit the casinos more often.

Rude is a very loyal friend to Reno and Tseng. As Turks they tend to stick together. He is also very loyal to Shell, and often finds himself carrying all of her shopping bags. Rude really, really does not like Rufus most of the time. He’ll obey his orders, but lately he won’t hesitate to tell him he doesn’t like what he’s doing – especially if it involves taking away his hard earned money. Rude really has a lot of resentment towards Rufus that really hasn’t shown up too much.

So while he may be the kind of guy who just fades into the background, Rude is also full of surprises.

Some favorite Rude moments: Gets arrested for shoplifting Big Mouth Billy Bass (Cheap Skate Rude); Stomping out fire without shoes (Come See The Softer Side of Shinra); Chucks his button tip at Rufus (A Bar, a Restaurant and a Fast Food Disaster)


[in 329 words]

All around Zack has been an underused character – underused in the game and underused in the rambles. Well, until recently anyway.

Zack popped up innocently enough as a doctor in one of the rambles. I always liked his character and I thought it would be interesting to slip him in there and see if anyone would notice. From then on he would come in if anyone needed medical attention. But he didn’t really play a large role. It wasn’t until his sister Bria finally found him that Zack finally started becoming more of a presence in the rambles. And this is because with the reunion with his sister came the desire to get his memory to return. And with the return of his memory came his involvement with Cloud.

It only made sense that Zack’s memory was screwed up. Otherwise he would have recognized everybody and it just would not have worked. Putting Zack as a doctor I had a lot of explaining to do as to how he wound up doing that. And Zack and Cloud was a pairing I had always liked, and I just couldn’t help myself. It was something I started hinting at a long time before it actually came to be true.

Zack is a very caring person. It’s why he chose to be a doctor in the first place, besides the fact that he believed it saved his life. He is also very intelligent, obviously. And he cares dearly for his friends, especially Cloud. There was nothing more important to Zack than healing Cloud. This is why it was tearing him apart when all his efforts to restore Cloud’s memory were failing. That as a whole showed how dedicated Zack can be when he really cares about something.

So the guy who started out just showing up when a doctor was needed has turned into an important part of the ramble gang. And he’s got the important parts of his old life back.

Some favorite Zack moments: Comparing rings with Cloud (The Great Bishounen Snatcher); Pledges to help Cloud remember (Somewhere In My Memory (part two); Saying the words that jog Cloud’s memory (Love Conquers All)


[in 231 words]

Lucretia is most famously known as being the mother of Sephiroth. With my obsession with the character of Sephiroth I couldn’t resist introducing him to the mother he never knew.

Poor Lucretia had the bad luck of falling for Hojo and agreeing to use her baby as an experiment. As soon as Sephiroth was born he was taken away from her. Burdened with grief and regret, Lucretia left Shinra and Sephiroth never learned about his mother until many, many years later. And when she finally does have the strength to come back and visit her son, he’s not really too keen on getting to know his mom. Lucretia doesn’t blame him for his feelings. Abandoning Sephiroth was something she knew she would always regret.

When Lucretia make her first appearance she is still in love with Hojo and wants to try and get her lost family back. That, however, is impossible. Hojo is a freak and father and son do not get along in the least. Whatever delusions she had of her perfect family are shattered. However, by understanding Sephiroth’s feelings she does manage to gain her son’s favor.

Even though Lucretia is back in Sephiroth’s life the guilt that she felt for agreeing to have him used in the experiment will never go away. It’s something that has become easier to bear, but she’ll always have to live with it.

Some favorite Lucretia moments: Mother and son meet at last (Mother, Where Art Thou?); Killing the hunter (Life Is Taxing (part two); Telling Sephiroth not to take the award (Sephiroth’s Award)


[in 418 words]

Squall’s not really a talkative guy. His favorite word is, of course, whatever. He’s also not a particularly happy guy or a particularly enthusiastic guy. But he is a pretty constant ramble character.

While everyone’s running around like crazy in the ramble room all the time, you can always count on Squall to be his usual quiet self. Most things seem to roll right off him and he goes on with his day. The only thing that really bother Squall are his dad, who he is not too happy to be related to, Nida, who he can’t stand, and being the leader. Everyone always wants him to be the leader but in reality Squall really care too much for being in charge.

Squall’s relationship with his father can be described as bad. Laguna just loves Squall and tries to be around him as much as possible, but Squall really wants nothing to do with his silly, immature and easygoing father. You might say this is because they’re really total opposites. You also might say it’s because Squall’s still mad he got dumped in an orphanage as a baby. Probably a little of both. But whatever the case, Squall tries to avoid being around him as much as possible.

Nida is pretty much Squall’s arch nemesis, but he tends to let most of it just roll of his back. If provoked however, Squall’s been known to beat up or even yell at Nida. And Squall is far from the yelling kind. Seifer is another guy Squall doesn’t really like too much, and they’re far from friends, but Squall can at least stand his presence. Not something that can be said about Nida.

Squall has several close friends, Zell being his closest one. Zell is always looking for Squall’s approval but Squall doesn’t really know why or care. Although he does like Zell Squall sometimes finds Zell’s hyper personality annoying.

Of course there’s also Squall’s girlfriend Rinoa, who he does love and enjoys spending time with it. But much to everyone’s surprise, Squall really is a big dog person and especially loves spending time with her dog, Angelo.

Squall’s silent ways caused Rinoa to put him in a therapy group where, for a long time, he was the only talking member. Go figure. Squall really does not like therapy and he resents Rinoa for making him go.

With all the crazy characters in the ramble room it’s nice to have someone as predictable as Squall around to balance them out.

Some favorite Squall moments: Pretending to date Lark (Lark Leonhart); Squak, whatever (Animal Farm); Reality Show with Dad (Shinra TV – Now In Color)


[in 469 words]

Zell is one of my favorite FF characters. I just think he’s so loveable. He’s always upbeat and just tries to be a nice guy to everyone. Well, except for Seifer. Just like in the game, in the rambles Zell and Seifer are far from being the best of friends. Of course Seifer calls Zell “chicken wuss” in the game, which I just think is a funny name. Of course it’s a combination of “chicken” and “wuss”, which both mean coward, so that shows you what Seifer thinks of Zell.

In the game Zell always knew a lot about different things. He was very book smart, so to speak. He always wanted to tell Squall about all the stuff he knew, and Squall was not always too keen to listen. Zell considers Squall his best friend and while Squall does consider Zell a friend he’s pretty indifferent to define what kind of friend they are. I thought in the game that Zell totally had the hots for Squall, so, that’s where the whole Zell being bi-sexual thing came from.

While he may be book smart, Zell lacks a lot of common sense and often doesn’t think before he speaks. He’s a big mouth and it often makes him look dumb. And while he’s usually pretty easy going and happy, he does have his serious said and is a very good friend to those he cares about. Zell is also a big kid at heart. His two vices are sweets and comic books.

In the beginning of the rambles Zell appeared as straight as can be. But then after he got drunk and married Rufus in Vegas, he seemed pretty keen on the idea of being with Rufus and has been hitting on him ever since. Now Zell is one of the few people who actually does like Rufus. He also loves Mr. Jingles and happily serves as his babysitter.

Besides Rufus and Squall, Zell’s newest companion is his boyfriend, Franswa Belmont. Franswa and Zell bonded early because Franswa loves to cook and Zell loves to eat. From there Zell really started to fall for his friend but he was too embarassed to admit it. He has always been very supportive of Franswa when all the confusion was happening with his family life. They seem like very different people, but they great along great because they both are very dedicated to each other.

Poor Zell was also the subject of a hate club at one point, started more out of boredom than actual hate. No one in the ramble room really *hates* Zell, but Seifer, and certainly Sephiroth, find him annoying.

But Zell is definitely a go-to guy – in a pinch, if you need a hand, you can always count on him to be ready and rarin’ to go!

Some Favorite Zell Moments:  Trying to make it work with Rufus (Till Death Do Us…WHAT?!); Knocking down the dino (The Museum of Modern Mayhem); Worst waiter ever (The Taste of Success)


[in 212 words]

Rinoa is best known as being Squall’s girlfriend and the constant subject of Ashley’s crackwhore jokes. But is there more to her than meets the eye?

Not really.

Rinoa mostly serves as Squall’s supportive girlfriend. She was all over him in the game and it isn’t much different here. And Squall does love her, even though it may sometimes seem like he’s more interested in taking care of her dog than talking to  her. And he was kind of mad that he put him him therapy. Rinoa does love Squall, but she’s not too thrilled with how little he talks.

Mostly Rinoa gets along with with the other girls. The exceptions are Quistis, who she just doesn’t seem to like, and Ashley. Ashley and Rinoa have never really gotten along. Ashley constantly refers to her as a crackwhore and that’s not something Rinoa really appreciates.

Her dad, General Caraway, is not someone Rinoa really enjoys spending time with either, and she really lost respect for him when she found out he owned a male strip club. Rinoa can stand Squall’s dad, Laguna, in small doses, but after awhile he starts to get on her nerves.

So Rinoa’s a pretty easy going girl and a devoted girlfriend. Just don’t call her a crackwhore.

Some Favorite Rinoa Moments: Cat fight! (Theme Park Nazi’s); No one talk to Squall (Animal Farm); Seeing daddy on the job (Too Legit to Strip)


[in 80 words]

I dislike most Final Fantasy females, and yet Selphie still ranks towards the top of that list. I just find her overly perky and obsessed with bombs. So that’s how I betray her.

She’s never really served as anything more than a supporting character when I needed a girl around. I could always use Selphie if I needed a friend for Rinoa or someone to turn a blind eye while Quistis stole something. She was never a major ramble character.

Some favorite Selphie Moments: Rolling staking waitress (Sephiroth Land)


[in 435 words]

This gun toting, woman loving cowboy surely served as one of the major ramble characters. Ever since I first played Final Fantasy VIII I liked Irvine as a character. I’m a sucker for a lady killer character first of all. Second of all he was cute, and finally he had that soft side to him that just sealed the deal.

In the rambles Irvine is best known with sleeping with pretty much every girl in within a ten mile radius.  A girl in the ramble room he hasn’t at least made out with is a rarity. The other three things he’s known for is drinking a lot, his friendship with Reno, and high fiving a lot.

Reno and Irvine are almost always together. They have very similar personalities and Irvine really looks up to and respects Reno. In turn, Reno looks after him and makes sure he doesn’t get into too much trouble. They are best friends and Irvine really cares for Reno a lot. He is far and away Irvine’s closest friend in the ramble room.

Irvine comes from a large family and has six brothers. When he was a boy his mother dumped in the orphanage for a short time because she was so stressed out with so many sons. Irvine is pretty close with his family, especially his brothers. He comes from a farming background which is sometimes pretty obvious. He even has a horse that shares his name.

As far as relationships go, Irvine’s never in for anything long term. He’s been brought up to be a lady’s man and never stay with one woman for long, and he’ll probably always be that way.

Aside from the amount of women he’s slept with, Irvine’s two biggest accomplishments are his bar and finally becoming a SeeD. Owning a bar had been Irvine and Reno’s dream for a long time, and after inheriting some money they were finally able to make their dream real.

Becoming a SeeD was not an easy task for Irvine. Scarred by the results of his previous test and his constant cracking under pressure, he blew off future exams and never wanted to try again. But with some coaching from his friends and a lot of pushing from Reno, he was able to finally achieve that goal.

Irvine has gone from being one of my favorite all-time Final Fantasy characters to one of my favorite ramble characters as well. He’s a generally upbeat guy who can be counted one for some laughs, but he also has that sensitive hidden side to him that he can’t always manage to hide.

Some Favorite Irvine Moments: Meet the family (An Irvine In the Hand Is Worth 7 In the Barn); Drugs are bad (Behind the Music (part three); SeeD at last (How Irvine Got His Groove Back)


[160 words]

I don’t like Quistis in the game at all. The fact that she was Squall’s teacher and constantly hit on him just really bothers me. When she takes him to the ‘secret area’ in the training center and he tells her to talk to the wall, I don’t feel bad for her. It was inappropriate. I don’t care how old she is. So game Quistis wasn’t gonna fly in the rambles. So it was more fun to not only make her a bit of a bitch, but also a kleptomaniac.

The main function of Quistis’ character in the rambles is to steal or talk about stealing. That is pretty much all she does. A one note character for sure, but not one that’s overused, so I don’t think the gag got old. Quistis has other characteristics. She likes Squall and Nida (for some reason) and dislikes Rinoa. And she still teaches at Garden. But mainly she just likes to steal.

Some favorite Quistis Moments: Stealing from old people (Theme Park Nazis 3); Gets everybody arrested (Ha ha! You’re Old); I’m a klepto! (Life Is Taxing (part two)


[in 380 words]

It may show, but in case it doesn’t, I’m no big Seifer fan. I know lots of people are, and that’s fine. I can even see why. I, however, think he is a wuss. And I think that shows a lot in the rambles. I don’t dislike Seifer as a character, but he’s far from one of my favorites.

The reason Seifer is paired with Ashley was because she wanted to be. She is one of those Seifer fans I previously mentioned. But luckily she thinks my portrayal of him is funny. And I do pretty much portray him as a wuss and a coward who’s really bad in bed.

On the outside Seifer is a bully. Squall and Zell are his favorite targets. Squall just ignores him, but Zell plays right into it. They really don’t get along at all, and Seifer’s favorite nickname for Zell is “chicken wuss”, of course. Ironic considering Seifer’s much more of a wuss. He easily gets scared and is intimidated by things. He tries to hide it, but everyone can pretty much see right through him.

Seifer has a big mouth and he’s not too bright, so he often says a lot of stupid things. It’s also no secret around the ramble room that Seifer is not very good in bed. He even needs to take Viagra. This probably stems more from his own confidence issues than any kind of physical problem. Despite how much he stinks between the sheets, Ashley stays with him anyway, although most really don’t understand why. Hence this being one of the mysteries of the ramble room. Ashley is often not very nice or loving at all towards Seifer, but he really doesn’t seem to mind and often does try and impress her. This usually fails, however.

Because of his attitude, Seifer really doesn’t have anyone around the ramble room he can call his friend. He may be seen tagging along with fellow Final Fantasy VII characters, but they don’t really like him. Seifer is also infamous for failing the SeeD exam numerous times.

Since Seifer is somewhat predictable but has a few different sides to him, he’s usually good for a few laughs. If I need someone to say something stupid, I can usually count on him.

Some favorite Seifer Moments: He hates sharks (Theme Park Nazis 3); Those were for Sephiroth (A Scooby Dooby Christmas (part two); Pees and runs (Silver Hair Concerto)


[in 279 words]

Laguna is a character with a catch phrase: “Hey hey! I’m President of Esthar!” I’m a Laguna fan. He’s just so goofy and loveable, what’s not to like? Well, don’t ask Squall that question.

In the rambles Laguna is certainly portrayed as being dumber than he was in the game. In the game he was pretty doofy and klutzy. He did a lot of silly things. I just really liked that part of his personality, so I kind of ran with that. Laguna in the rambles is very childish. He does silly things and is constantly trying to act younger than he is. He really is not a very good President. But since in the game he was elected after he fell asleep in a meeting, that really does kind of fit. He also loves and is easily distracted by cartoons.

Laguna’s two constant companions are Kiros and Ward. Ward can’t talk and Kiros talks all the time, through Ward. And Laguna is dense enough to really believe that Kiros really is speaking for Ward. As much as Ward tries to make it clear that he does not agree with the things Kiros says, Laguna just doesn’t see it.

He also doesn’t see how most of what he does and says is annoying to his son, Squall. Laguna tries to spend a lot of time with Squall but Squall doesn’t want any part of it.

Also, Laguna is the token member of the MAFIA. They want his money, but they really don’t want anything else from him.

Laguna is a good natured and fun character overall. He’s a silly goof who kinda just gives you a warm fuzzy feeling.

Some favorite Laguna moments: Goin’ on a date (Too Much of A Good Thing); Allergic reaction and me (Ha ha! You’re Old!); TV Star (Shinra TV, Now In Color)

[in 159 words]

Poor, poor Ward. He never says anything. Ever. In the game he loses his voice after a fight on lunatic pandora and that carries over into the rambles.

Ward is a nice person on the inside. He is very caring. However, he hates Kiros. This is because Kiros is always putting words in his mouth and saying Ward is saying a bunch of things he’s not. This came about because in the game Kiros really does make a few catty comments with “Ward says” before them. Made you wonder if Ward really said that…

But Ward hates Kiros. Hates him. He tries to make it clear that he’s not really saying those things, but Laguna is too dense to see the truth. Ward likes Laguna and tries to look out for him. But Laguna pretty much thinks Kiros speaks the truth.

Ward is definitely one of the more abused characters in the ramble room. And it’s all Kiros’ fault.

Some favorite Ward moments: Someone talks to him (Ha ha! You’re Old!) TV debut (Shinra TV, Now In Color); All about Ward (Being Ward Zaback)


[in 200 words]

In the game Kiros serves as Laguna’s sidekick who’s quick to comment about Laguna’s childish and goofy ways. After Ward loses his voice he makes a few comments prefaced with “Ward says”.

Well, in the rambles all of that is taken to the extreme.

There are very few sentences throughout the rambles where Kiros says something that he doesn’t blame on Ward. And most of what he says is bad stuff making fun of Laguna. In fact he has built his whole life around talking for Ward and saying bad things about Laguna. This annoys Ward to no end, but Kiros is too clever and he really can’t do anything about it. The really strange part is that Kiros seems to be in love with Laguna! Guess he doesn’t like the fact that Laguna doesn’t love him back.

I didn’t really dislike Kiros in the game, but I didn’t really like him. I really don’t think he’s very likeable in the rambles. Funny, yeah. He’s a one trick pony. But he’s generally mean and tortures both Ward and Laguna constantly. Not the kind of guy you really want hanging around all the time. But Laguna is too dense to notice.

Some favorite Kiros moments: KO’d (Ha ha! You’re Old!); I ❤ you (The Great Bishounen Snatcher); Easily distracting Laguna (Being Ward Zaback)


[in 357 words]

I credit Algus with making Zidane a more interesting character. In the beginning Zidane was just the bi-sexual version of Irvine, and in a way he still is, but now that he’s Algus’ slave there’s certainly a lot more to him than that.

Zidane is a Irvine/Reno wannabe in a lot of ways – more when it comes to sex than anything else. He has a crush on basically everybody and he wants to be able to have a long list of people he slept with – just like his idols (which includes Tseng.) Zidane’s crushes include Lark, Sephiroth, Franswa, and of course, Algus. Most recently he seems to be stuck on Bryatt. He really looks at the older guys around him for guidence, especially Tseng, who he looks up to the most right now.

Of course, Zidane is Algus’ slave, and he works for candy. Zidane really, really is addicted to sugar, so he needs that candy. But that isn’t the only thing keeping him working for Algus. Algus seems to think it’s perfectly acceptable to spank his slave when his bad – and he doesn’t know that Zidane actually likes this. Zidane will go on and on about how much he hates Algus – and as a person he really does find him pretty evil – but at the same time Zidane is somehow attracted to his cruel, cruel master.

As everyone knows Zidane has a tail, and he’s not really a big fan of it. Now he just finds it gets in his way and makes him stick out. And that’s not something he wants. And while he technically may be ‘brothers’ with Kuja, they don’t talk and he really doesn’t want anything to do with him.

So Zidane looks up to Reno, Irvine and Tseng, and Vivi looks up to Zidane. That’s not exactly a recipie for high moral standards, and Steiner knows this. That’s why when it comes to Vivi Steiner and Zidane frequently clash.

Despite his role models, Zidane really is a good guy. He’s well liked and he wants to be well liked by more people…if you get my drift.

Some favorite Zidane moments: Shock therapy (Come See The Softer Side of Shinra); Kissing Algus (Asexual Algus); Bad investment (This Is the Life (part two)


[in 86 words]

Steiner doesn’t really have a big role in the rambles. He serves as Algus’ bodyguard. He also looks out for Vivi and clashes with Zidane. Steiner is always looking out for Vivi’s well being because Vivi is so young, and he doesn’t approve of Zidane’s morally leniant ways. However, as much as he may scold Zidane, Zidane really listens to him. And Vivi seems to listen to Zidane anyway.

Loyalty and honor are big deals to Steiner. He takes his job as Algus’ bodyguard very seriously.

Some favorite Steiner moments: Gives Vivi a boost (Sephiroth Land); Cutting Zidane free (Ha ha! You’re old!); You need a permit (Highly Flammable)


[in 106 words]

Vivi has always been a sidekick character. He is so cute in the game, I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t like him. I of course like him as well, so I had to put him in the rambles. His main function is hanging around Zidane from time to time. Vivi really looks up to Zidane and often tries to help him with his not always brilliant plans, much to Steiner’s annoyance. Zidane’s friendship is very important to Vivi.

He’s very quiet and shy, and is quite clumsy and known to fall down. Still, he’s just so cute, everything about him just makes him so loveable.

Some favorite Vivi moments: Passes out (Till Death Do Us…WHAT?!); Ring Bearer (You May Now Kiss The…Groom?); Temp slave to Algus (Some Porn Can Be Bad)


[in 431 words]

Oh, Algus. You were far and away my favorite character in Tactics. Such a shame you weren’t in the game very long. I love snotty bastards. And you were the quintessential snotty bastard character.

In my opinion there were a lot of jerky characters in Final Fantasy Tactics, and Algus was definitely one of them. But I still liked him. In the game Algus was a noble who really didn’t care for common people. That seemed to be the main factor of his character, so I really ran with it in the rambles.

Ramble Algus is a very rich noble who can’t stand any “peasants”. People who are not rich and/or command no respect are considered peasants to Algus. In effect very few people are in his favor. These people generally include Rufus, Lark, Laguna, Shell, Sephiroth, Edgar and Setzer.

Algus is the founder and president of the ramble room “MAFIA” which is an acronym which stands for “Majestically Affluent Febulous Investment Association. He serves as president not only because he founded it, but also because he is the richest person in the ramble room, even richer than Rufus.

Most people are treated as second class by Algus, especially his slave, Zidane. who he treats poorly and pays in mostly crappy candy. Algus expects a lot of Zidane and finds him rather uncooperative most of the time. When he’s especially annoyed at him he’ll “punish” him by spanking him, not understanding that Zidane actually rather enjoys that.

His closest friend is Rufus. They are often seen together and Algus oftens praises Rufus’ business ventures. When he got poor he was abandoned by all his friends, including Rufus, who no longer wanted to associate with him. When he got his wealth back he was cheerfuly admitted back into their circle and said that he too would have done the same thing. Goes to show you how money is more important than friendship to Algus. He really is a cold person.

He’s also asexual, which means he has no sexual preference whatsoever. He’s totally neutral and sex affects him in no way. Money is the only thing he will ever truly love.

Algus is a very funny character because his view of the world is so skewed that he often says things that no normal person, even a rich person like Rufus, would say. He has a very proper way of speaking that sometimes sounds like he was transported in time from the middle ages.

So while Algus may be a jerk who thinks almost everyone’s a peasant, that’s what makes him funny.

Some favorite Algus moments: Founding the MAFIA (The Ramble Room Mafia); Don’t kiss me again (Asexual Algus); Slave life doesn’t agree with him (This is the Life (part one)


[in 271 words]

I don’t know if my portrayl of the character shows if I like or dislike Auron. But I do like him. He’s one of my favorite characters in the game. I just find him unintentionally funny. In the game he is so full of himself.  And he really does have something wise to say about everything. That’s why I often make him spout helpful but kind of cliché phrases in the rambles. He was also totally in love with Braska. I even asked Brady, who has been following the story, “Isn’t he totally in love with Braska?” and Brady agreed. Hence his crush on Vincent.

Auron is a very smart person who is always thinking. He certainly doesn’t rush into things but definitely likes to get things done in the best way possible. He liked Vincent off the bat and wanted to be with him. Of course no one realized this but Sephiroth, who did turn out to be right about him. After waiting for years his dream had finally come true, only for it to end sadly for him. But he still remains Vincent’s friend. Patience is a virtue, and Auron certainly has that.

He’s also a very loyal friend. He is very protective of the people he cares about, especially Vincent. If you’ll recall he threw a fit at Sephiroth when he dumped Vincent for Alucard. (Sephiroth can call it what he wants, he totally cheated on Vincent. I agree with Auron on that one!) That’s because he truly cares about Vincent, and even though he really wanted to be with him, he didn’t want to see him hurt.

Some Favorite Auron Moments: Winning the bet (Bidding on the Birthday Girl); Tied up with sausage links (It’s Called the XcubeStation); Sticking up for Vincent (Life Is Taxing (part two)

[in 85 words]

There’s not too much to Tidus in the rambles. A lot of people don’t tend to like him, but I was always a big Tidus fan. He was a pretty normal guy with a fighting spirit and a bit of a daddy problem. So I put him in the rambles. But he never really found a place.

Tidus pops up once and awhile. He’s usually with Wakka and almost always talking about Blizball. He’s really into the sport and that’s the main thing about him.


[in 64 words]

Here’s another character from 10 that I really like but never found a place. Wakka is best known for playing blizball with Tidus and being a friend to Zell, though they aren’t often seen together. I always planned to make Wakka and Zell better pals but Zell always was too busy with a million other things. So Wakka kind of remained in the background.


[in 102 words]

Although she is my favorite Final Fantasy female, Lulu never really became of much in the rambles. In the game she’s a very strong person who kicked major ass. But I never really used most of the Final Fantasy girls too much in the rambles and Lulu is no exception.

The fact that I made Lulu a lesbian probably threw most people for a loop, mostly because she is clearly with Wakka in FFX-2. Well, that would be the reason why I did that. I just really, really hate them as a pairing and refused to follow game canon in that respect.


[in 4 words]

…Kimahri’s in the rambles?


[in 167 words]

Locke is one of my favorite characters from 6. His upbeat personality, dedication to Rachel, and insistence that he’s a treasure hunter, not a thief, really drew me to him.

In the rambles Locke is almost always seen with Shadow, oftening wondering why he’s acting so strangely. Locke is clearly the closest thing the eccentric ninja has to a friend, but doesn’t quite understand himself while they still hang around together. Locke is the only person who really understands Shadow’s relationship with his dog.

The only other people Locke really interacts with are Edgar and Setzer. He was one of the few people who knew about their real situation for a long time.

From time to time Locke has been known to steal something from someone around the ramble room, but he always gives it back. Mostly he just likes seeing what he can get away with. He also dated Katie for a brief period.

While Locke’s not seen too often in the rambles, he’s a reliable character to have around.

Some favorite Locke moments: Steals snap bracelets from Algus (The Ramble Room Mafia); Calling Shadow out on his puppy love (The Great Bishounen Snatcher); Wooing Katie (Happy Birthday To…Who?)


[in 272 words]

Dashing Edgar is quite possibly my favorite character from 6. In the game he is a king and a lady killer who never seems to attract any ladies. Hmmm…

Because of his inability to get a lady, I figured Edgar’s whole over the top lady killer thing just had to be an act to cover up the fact that he was really gay. Hence his relationship with Setzer. Edgar really does love Setzer dearly, but he doesn’t want anyone to know his true sexuality, so he works hard to (badly) cover it up, and makes Setzer do the same.

Since he is a rich king, Edgar fits right in with Rufus and Algus, ordering things out of Rich & Pompous Weekly and burning money. He’s not nearly as cold hearted as Rufus and definitely Algus can be, but he still has no problem flaunting his wealth. This sometimes causes him to be out of the loop on things that could be considered below his status. He’s also a very proud member of the ramble room mafia, where he also serves as the treasuerer.

One thing Edgar is not a big fan of is gambling. However, Setzer happens to be a huge fan of that. Edgar doesn’t really like throwing his money away by gambling it and sees it as pointless. And he doesn’t like Setzer doing it either, but manages to put up with it. This doesn’t mean that he stays quiet about his true feelings on the subject however.

Edgar’s phony lady killing skills and his constant attempts to cover up his relationship with Setzer make him an unintentionally funny guy.


[in 309 words]

Setzer is Edgar’s other half, and he’s certainly the more realistic and down to earth of the two. However, while he may not be quite as stuck up as his partner in crime, he is not without his faults.

Although he’s one of my favorite characters in VI, I always felt Setzer was kind of an underdeveloped character. Okay, so he likes gambling and flying airships. What else?

I think Setzer and Edgar are a perfect match. For all they have in common they are also different. Edgar tends to have more in common with Rufus and Algus – and be more hung up on rich people problems than Setzer, who seems to relate better to normal people. He doesn’t really get the whole “Rich and Pompous Weekly’ scene. And while he likes to make money as much as the next guy, he’s not really up to doing anything dishonest to get there – something else he has in common with Edgar.

Setzer’s way of speaking is much more casual than the regal words that come from Edgar’s mouth. He refers to Edgar as Eddie almost all the time, and he’s the only one who dares to call him that. Setzer likes to live life on the edge and he loves to gameble, even though Edgar doesn’t care for it. Setzer doesn’t even care about winning, he just likes to bet his money.

When it comes to their relationship, Setzer was totally on board with hiding things at first. But as time progressed he became more and more fed up with keeping their love a secret. Alas he still tried his best to hide things, in compliance with Edgar’s wishes. He didn’t do too good of a job of it either, though.

Setzer serves as the perfect companion to Edgar and a great addition to the mafia – someone’s gotta be realistic.


[in 327 words]

Shadow is mostly a mysterious figure, even in the game. But you can learn more about him by visiting inns. Did you know, for instance, that his real name is Clyde? But don’t think that that’s information he’ll ever volunteer!

In the game Shadow comes and goes from your party all the time. And this is annoying. Because he is awesome. He also always has his dog, Interceptor, at his side. Shadow was one of my favorite characters from the game, but because he was so flightly in it, I couldn’t help but poke fun at him in the rambles.

On the surface, Shadow comes off as a weird ninja who is constantly paranoid and thinks “they” are always after him. He always runs from place to place, trusting no one, even Locke, who is supposed to be his friend. He also constantly wears a black mask that covers his whole face except for his eyes. So nobody even really knows what he looks like. Shadow is also extremely overprotective of Interceptor, and tries to convince anyone who comes near the dog that he is dangerous and capable of ripping them to shreds. To his dismay, however, Interceptor is the friendliest and nicest dog on the planet.

In reality Shadow is a huge phony. The whold paranoid ninja thing is mostly just what he’s trying to be. Behind closed doors when no one is around he is still rather paranoid and strange, but he drops his whole Interceptor act and talks to him lovingly, giving him cute nicknames. Shadow is trying to be the best ninja in the world but often feels like a huge failure and is very self-concious. So he goes overboard trying to convince everyone else he’s great at it.

He’s also extremely good looking underneath the mask, but only Seymour and Kuja have seen his face.

Poor Shadow. Instead of making himself into something he’s not he should just relax and be himself.


[in 76 words]

Interceptor is a dog. A doberman, to be more precise. He is Shadow’s pet and loyal companion. Interceptor just loves people. He loves to play with people and lick them and be pet by them. In front of others, Shadow acts like Interceptor is a vicious creature and tries to overlook what a loving dog he is. When they’re alone, Shadow treats Interceptor like a baby by coddling him and making a big fuss over him.


[in 524 words]

I hate Hojo. You probably hate Hojo. Most people hate Hojo. To sum him up in two words, I would use disgusting skeeve. Those words pretty much paint the picture of what kind of character he is.

Almost everyone refers to Hojo by his last name. Almost no one calls him by his first name, Alexander. The one person who does is Lucretia. Hojo tricked Lucretia into falling in love with him so she would sleep with him and they could produce a child for the Jenvova Project. This child is Sephiroth. After he was born Hojo took the baby away from Lucretia for experiments. Distraught, Lucretia fled. Hojo was then left to raise Sephiroth, and he treated the child badly, using him constantly for testing and never showing him any love. For a long time Sephiroth didn’t even know Hojo was his father.

But Hojo never had feelings for Lucretia. His affections were directed at Vincent, who rejected all his advances. He only had eyes for Lucretia. Jealous, Hojo took Lucretia away from Vincent. Later, when Sephiroth was grown, Hojo was appalled to find his son and his love interest had gotten together. Furious, he threatened Vincent and performed experiments on him before locking him in the basement of the Shinra mansion.

Hojo still works for Shinra Inc. as the head of science, but he doesn’t do much because Rufus doesn’t like him. He spends most of his time on his sick, crazy and often twisted experiments. His other pasttime is setting up recording equipment so he can capture porn – preferably male – on his cameras. His lab is lined with videos. Hojo is pretty much a pedofile who tries to prey on little boys but luckily never gets anywhere. Kuja is also his main focus, but his “lovely angel” is mostly just out to get whatever expensive gifts he can out of the wealthy pervert.

Over the years Hojo has tried many schemes to try and take over the ramble room but they all have failed, mostly because he can’t seem to not make an antidote to his potions. He is the smartest of the losers but also one of the stranger ones. However he seems to be the only one who ever hears a knocking at the door.

Although Sephiroth is his son Hojo barely sees him as such. He mostly sees him as an experiment and ignores him. This was a problem when Lucretia finally came back and tried to make them be a family. That idea of hers failed miserably. Sephiroth truly hates his father and wants nothing to do with him.

One of Hojo’s more disturbing creations is the licky licky monster. This creature makes a strange noise as it runs around so fast you can’t even see it. If it comes in contact with you it may feel like it’s licking you, but Hojo is quick to assure everyone that it’s not licking you. But whatever it is doing, it seems to be bad.

Hojo is a disturbed person who does disturbing things and disturbs a lot of people as a result. Disgusting skeeve. That says it all.


[in 341 words]

Most people who play VIII probably quickly forget about Nida, the Garden pilot who makes SeeD rank with Squall, Selphie and Zell. Even if you do recognize the character, unless you talk to everyone in the game you won’t realize what a weirdo he is. He talks about how he’s going to run Garden someday among other disturbing things. Plus he scolds Squall if you give too many commands at one point in the game. Where does he get off?

Nida just really rubbed me the wrong way in the game, hence his spot in loser land, where he was for a long time the only character not from VII. He has always been the youngest member, and his cocky attitude never really won him any friends.

Mostly Nida is an arrogant jerk who always strives to be better than everyone – especially Squall. Often he will take credit for things Squall did, or try to hurt Squall in some way. Nida is very proud about his Garden driver status, and will brag about it to anyone who will listen. When he’s hurt he will often say something like “Ow! My piloting [insert body part] to further remind people about his all important job. Nida always appears to have very high self-esteem, but deep inside he’s always wishing he was more like Squall. He is also a huge suck-up to Headmaster Cid or anyone else who has authority.

Friends are in short supply for Nida. The only one from Garden who seems to even slightly stand him is Quistis for some reason. Everyone in loser land finds him annoying, especially Scarlet who he is always calling a whore. But it’s pretty obvious that Nida is really in love with Scarlet, and he will occasionally slip up and show his true feelings. This was most obvious at his fake wedding, which he claimed was the happiest day of his life.

In short, Nida is an annoying brat who loves himself, hates Squall and wants to get with Scarlet. Someone for everyone to hate.


[in 334 words]

It’s easy to chacterize Scarlet just based on her outfit. I don’t think there’s any female executive that would wear a slinky red dress with a slit up the side of her leg every day. Unless she was a whore. Like Scarlet.

And the Scarlet that lives in loser land is a whore. She slept her way up the Shinra executive ladder (even resulting in a daughter, Sunshine) and now she earns what money she can by selling herself. Let’s just say business isn’t good. While she once was pretty, years of such a lifestyle has weighed heavilly on her once charming face and lustrous blonde hair. Now she tries to use make-up and hair dye to cover up the tracks of time. Cheap make-up. And cheap hair dye.

As weirdos go in loser land Scarlet is actually one of the most normal. She certainly doesn’t hesitate to point out the fault of others, using biting sarcasm all the while. Her most common taunting victim is Nida, who constantly calls her a whore. All her years of selling herself has left her with a plethora of diseases that she has to take medications for every day. Some of these illnesses have the medical community stumped.

Scarlet may be the only technical female in loser land, but that doesn’t mean she’d win the evening gown competition. Kuja would jump at the chance to give her a make-over. But that doesn’t stop Nida for secretly pining for her. They may have gone on that one date, but Scarlet has never taken Nida seriously in the least. There was a time when she certainly was trying to go for Rufus, which is kind of sick considering she had a daughter with his dad. Although she was initially not to thrilled to meet her daughter, Scarlet and Sunshine now have a pretty functional and normal relationship.

If you look up bitch in the dictionary, you might just see Scarlet’s face. If it’s not there it’s probably under whore.


[in 254 words]

Gya haa haa! That is, of course, the infamous laugh of Heidegger, the fat lard of loser land. And nothing he ever says is not accompanied by that annoying laugh. Most of what he says is pointing out the flaws in what others have said, often causing that person to shout, “Shut up, Heidegger!” Gya haa haa!

Heidegger likes to eat. And that’s mostly what he does all the time. He’ll eat anything. Doesn’t matter what food group. Doesn’t even matter if it’s edible. Doesn’t even matter if it should kill you when injested. He’ll eat it all and keep right on eating. He really is something of a medical question mark. It’s a wonder how he can even stand anymore, nevermind actually have clothes that fit him.

Because he’s contantly eating all the food in the kitchen, Heidegger is not a popular loser land resident. It doesn’t help that all that eating makes for some pretty bad smells coming from his direction (if you know what I mean). Other losers have taken to guarding their favorite foods and eating it when he is not around.

Heidegger does have one faithful companion, Stinky, his pet skunk who he met on one fateful vacation. Stinky seems to stick by Heidegger through it all, and they are often found doing activities together. It can easily be argued, however, that Heidegger is definitely not the higher life form.

All in all, Heidegger is pretty much just a fatso who constantly eats and laughs annoyingly. What’s to like?


[in 79 words]

Stinky is a skunk who is also Heidegger’s faithful pet and companion. If it wasn’t for Stinky, Heidegger would have no friends.

 While his main way of communicating with humans is by snorting and using gestures, Stinky can speak to other animals. He actually is something of a tough guy, almost a Solid Snake type, who can pick locks among other special talents no one would expect from a skunk. Makes you wonder why he sticks around with Heidegger.

[in 352 words]

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the loveliest loser of them all?

Kuja is a character I used to despise. The first time I played through Final Fantasy 9 I truly hated the throughly despicable (and completely feminine) villain. I printed out a picture of him and showed it to everyone I knew who didn’t play Final Fantasy games. Male or female? I would ask. The answer that came back to me every time – female. And thus the cross dressing personality was born.

But looking like a girl is exactly what Kuja wants. He likes everything girly, from make-up to high heels and even the underwear. In fact the only thing masculine about Kuja is…nothing.

Kuja values looking good above all else. He is practically obsessed with fashion, beauty products and his hair. All of these things cost lots of money, so he can often be found snuggling up to Hojo in hopes of getting something new and shiny to wear. He really can’t stand being Hojo’s pet, but he’ll do it if it benefits his wardrobe in some way.

Self esteem is certainly something Kuja has a lot of. He’s pretty, and he knows it. Everyone else’s sense of style pales compared to his. This especially goes for Seymour, who Kuja considers a fashion victim. When Seymour first came around they really did not get along at all, but their relations have improved since Seymour has started to take Kuja’s fashion advice. The only thing Kuja really doesn’t like about himself is his tail, and he tries to hide it with his skirts.

Kuja has a few friends, Tseng being one of them. He is very self centered, so most people don’t want to spend too much time with him. But he can be a somewhat loyal and considerate friend. If you need beauty help you can always count on him to give his two cents.

I think once I started writing about Kuja in this sense I started to like him. And I’ve liked him ever since. There’s really not too much to hate about a mirror obsessed cross dresser.


[in 288 words]

I think of all the Final Fantasy villain’s I’ve hated over the years, Seymour would rank solidly as number two. His feminine sounding voice annoyed me most of all. And I don’t know what he was trying to wear, but it hurt my eyes. A lot. Kuja would agree.

Since my I had nothing but hate for Seymour, to loser land he went. There he found company with his fellow cross dresser, Kuja. Unfortunately the two really did not get along. Both were self centered girl wannabes who thought they had the best sense in fashion and make-up. Sadly for Seymour only one of them was right, and it wasn’t him.

Seymour has bad fashion sense, something Kuja liked to constantly make fun of him for. While he tried to fight back, Seymour usually ended up losing those battles. The two of them sharing a room was not a pretty picture. But after living together for quite awhile, Seymour maybe started to realize that maybe his clothing wasn’t as nice as he thought it was. And maybe he needed help. And probably the bets he lost resulting in a makeover kinda helped. But soon Seymour was taking Kuja’s beauty advice to heart, and he didn’t look like such a fashion disaster anymore.

With that change of wardrobe came a change of heart, as Seymour started to realize that he actually liked Kuja. Like liked him. A lot. And he wasn’t quite sure what to do about it, especially since it seemed Kuja would never see him as anything more than a wannabe.

Seymour has evolved from a sniping, bitchy fashion victim into a confused and almost timid person in love. His wardrobe wasn’t the only thing to change.


[in 149 words]

Kefka is my number one most hated Final Fantasy villain of all time. The man (if you can even use that word) is a freak. Pure and simple. He’s a whacko. And I guess that kind of sums up my portrayl of him.

In the rambles Kefka is nothing more than the weirdo in the attic who spits on people, says things that don’t make sense, dresses like a clown, has tea with an octopus, crawls on the ceiling, and makes advances on poor animals. The rest of the losers, especially Hojo, are terrified of him. And for good reason. Who would want to live with that? Especially when you can hear the freaky laughter coming from up above you.

Luckily for them Kefka met an unexpected end one fateful morning. No one is sure what happened to him, but they don’t really care. They’re just glad he’s dead.


Gundam Wing


[in 111 words]

Heero’s always been my favorite Gundam pilot. Mostly because of his robot like efficiency to doing things. Nothing beats the part in the series where he fixes his own broken leg in front of Duo. Solid Snake would be proud.

His personality in the rambles is not altered too much. He’s still somewhat robot like. His favorite phrase is “I will destroy [fill in the blank]”. He’s not really overly friendly. And he still hates Relena. But then again, who doesn’t? He can also be kind of overprotective and possessive.

If you need something destroyed, Heero’s probably your man. Unless it’s Relena. He can’t quite seem to get rid of her.


[in 116 words]

Of all the pilots, I want to say that Duo is the most normal. He’s a funny, easy going kind of guy, just like he is in the series. It’s easy to like him. Unless you’re Seifer, of course. Duo has no problem competing for Ashley’s affections. Mostly because he almost always wins.

Although he fits in well with his fellow pilots, in Lark’s high school dreams Duo always seems like he’s trying way too hard to be cool. Maybe it’s the braid.

It’s hard to find anyone normal among the Gundam pilots, because you have to be kind of crazy to fly one of those things. Duo is about as close as you’re gonna get.


[in 115 words]

Quatre’s favorite word is well known. “It’s beautiful! Just beautiful!” Everything is beautiful to Quatre. You name it, he thinks it’s beautiful. He says that word a lot in the series. And he says it even more in the rambles.

Quatre is the nice pilot who wants to be friends with everyone. Though the rest are fairly violent, he’s the nice guy who doesn’t like war. Instead he enjoys playing music and hanging out with his many, many sisters. He may be the sissy of the pilots, but he’s also a very good person.

Although he may be sappy at times, you can’t help but like Quatre. And that’s just the way he wants it.


[in 121 words]

Trowa is disturbed. That’s easy to say because Trowa’s main thing is that he’s always trying to kill himself. In fact that’s pretty much all he does. That’s why he has to be watched so carefully. You can never tell how he’s planning to try and off himself next.

The joke of Trowa always trying to kill himself comes right from the series, of course. In the series it seems like Trowa is always looking for an excuse to self-destruct his Gundam. “Oops, stubbed my toe. Better self-destruct”. So that’s where self-destructive Trowa was born.

And don’t forget the fact that he sometimes forget where, who or what he is. Guess you could say he’s the least normal of the pilots.


[in 170 words]

Oh, Woof Woof. How I and almost every other ramble character love to hate you. It’s because you’re obnoxious, think you’re so awesome, and constantly talk down to others, especially women. I don’t know what you love more, yourself or your beloved Nataku.

Honor is a big thing for Wufei. He wants to be the best soldier there is. And he’s totally loyal to his Gundam, almost to the point where it’s obsessive. Nataku isn’t really the real name of the Gundam. That’s his pet name for it.

Wufei doesn’t really get along well with others because he’s always talking down to them and bragging about himself. Even the other pilots don’t like him. He tried to make friends with Sephiroth and Twilight but that didn’t really take. Wufei and Lark especially don’t get along. Wufei also tends to refer to all females as “woman”, even though he knows their name perfectly well.

Definitely the most annoying pilot. I’m not a fan of him in the series. Can you tell?


[in 117 words]

Zechs is one of the coolest characters in the series and one of my favorites. In the rambles, however, he is not much like he is in the anime. Instead he’s a hair and man obsessed karaoke singing machine.

Besides his banana scented shampoo and singing “I’ve Got You Babe”, Zechs loves Treize, who he is married to. Unfortunately Zechs has a bit of a wandering eye that can get him into trouble. But he is totally devoted to Treize, whose charm he simply can’t resist. He’s also the only one who seems to understand him most of the time. The two were pretty tight in the series, and I’ve definitely crossed that over to the rambles.


[in 160 words]

I just love Treize. He is one of my favorite anime characters ever. He is just so cool.

Treize enjoys roses, talking about war, Zechs and singing. His favorite song to sing is “I’ve Got You Babe” with Zechs. The two are so rich that they have decided to go around singing concerts. They don’t even care that they’re not very popular, especially at parties where their set is all but dreaded.

Most of what Treize says is long, drawn out stuff about war, Gundams and other stuff that don’t seem to relate. But it makes sense to Treize. Often in the series he would say stuff that made you think twice. So that’s why ramble Treize can often be confusing.

Treize is totally devoted to Zechs and gets very annoyed if Zechs is hitting on someone else. But he knows he doesn’t have anything to worry about. He is completely charming and handsome. What more could a guy want?


Other Video Game Characters


[in 340 words]

I don’t think you can get more out of it than Dracula. The poor Prince of Darkness certainly has seen better days. Though he was once a menacing killer, Dracula is now rather senile, as the many years have taken a toll on his non-existent soul. He often forgets who he is, where he is and what he is. He doesn’t know who people are most of the time, including his own son. Many of the things he does and says make no sense at all. And he often gets lost in his own house.

Dracula is of course a figure of literature and folklore, as well as being a video game character. The major basis for him comes from the Castlevania games, but of course the Dracula in the rambles is no longer anything much like the villainous evil vampire we see in the games. However he never seems to forget who the Belmonts are and he can still kill your ass if he feels like it.

Even though he’s been around for hundreds and hundreds of years Dracula has only produced two offspring (that we know about!) Dracula Jr., or D as he’s called, and Alucard, whose real name is Adrian. Dracula relies heavily on Alucard to help him with every day tasks and keep him from killing himself. Other houseguests include his best friend Death, who is busy with his job most of the time, and his skeletons and his pets: Ceberus the three headed hellhound and Sprinkles the dragon formerly owned by Sephiroth.

He may have been scary once, but now Dracula is more of harmless and forgetful old man. The fact that he spews nonsense most of the time makes him a fun character to write. In the moments where he is somewhat lucid we can tell that he does love his sons and he also will probably go back to being evil if his eventual rebirth goes well. Until then he’ll keep getting lost in his own room and leading his weekly skeleton parade.


[in 439 words]

All the credit goes to Alucard (and Dracula) for getting me interested in the rambles again. Their introduction into the zany landscape certainly put a different spin on things as it introduced new problems and drama. Drama does seem to follow Alucard wherever he goes.

How did Alucard wind up in the rambles? While I was replaying Castlevania: Symphony of the Night for like the third time, I wondered aloud what would happen if the ramble characters had to visit Dracula’s castle for some reason. Brady and I started brainstorming and Silver Hair Concerto was born. When I first started writing it, I never thought that the vampires (or the Belmonts) would stick around, but once I was done I knew I couldn’t let these guys go. There was too much potential there.

Alucard is the son of Dracula. His real name is Adrian, but Dracula wasn’t a big fan of it so he started calling Adrian Alucard instead. Alucard’s mother, a human woman named Lisa,  was burned at the stake for being a witch and Alucard is still kind of touchy about it. Although he once fought against vampires (and wound up fathering the whole famous Belmont family after one drunken night of vampire killing related celebration) Alucard now takes care of his no longer fearful father. And as much as he likes to complain about it, Alucard is a huge daddy’s boy who doesn’t like to see his father pay attention to anyone else. He especially hates his older brother D, who Alucard didn’t even find out about until recently.

Although Alucard tends to have a lot of drama in his life, his boyfriend Dante tends to keep him grounded. (That doesn’t stop him from occasionally getting drunk and acting like a complete idiot, however.) Alucard and Dante are a much better match than Alucard and his previous boyfriend Sephiroth were. Two drama queens (for lack of a better term!) do not make for a healthy and stable relationship.

Trevor Belmont is Alucard’s son, but they do not have any kind of relationship really. In fact Trevor didn’t find out he was Alucard’s son until very recently. Needless to say it was a shock for the man who spent his whole life hating everything about vampires. Alucard hates being a vampire too so it seems father and son have more in common than they think.

He may be a drama attracting daddy’s boy who’s obsessed with his hair, but all of these qualities just made it impossible for me to not continue writing about him and his crazy life. And he’s still got an eternity to go.


[in 82 words]

There’s not too much to say about Death. He’s Death. When people die, he takes them to the afterlife. He’s also Dracula’s best friend and right hand man. He lives in the castle but he’s not around much. It’s may be kind of morbid to think about, but his job keeps him pretty busy. Death’s not too thrilled that his pal is nonsensical most of the time and he gets frustrated with him quite easily. He’s most definitely anxious for the rebirth.

Trevor Belmont

[in 223 words]

Trevor Belmont, or Grandpa one as he’s known to his family, is the oldest living Belmont. His mother was Sonia Belmont, a famous vampire killer. For a long time Trevor had no idea who his father was. Recently he was shocked to discover that his mother had a tryst with a drunken Alucard. That really didn’t go over too well. But it does explain why Trevor is hundreds of years old.

Because he is a really, really old man, Trevor is very set in his ways. He is all about Belmont family pride and honor and killing vampires is very important to him.  To Trevor, every Belmont man in the family should be a vampire killer. Poor Franswa is included in this. Trevor won’t recognize his culinary talent, even though he’s always asking for food. Those who are family members but don’t have the last name Belmont are not in the same league to Trevor. That would explain his treatment of Hugh. And forget people who weren’t technically born into the family at all. They might as well be invisible.

He may be as old as dirt, but Trevor is still rather spry for his age. Don’t start talking to him about vampires unless you want to hear the story about how he defeated Dracula. It’s not a short story in the least.

Simon Belmont

[in 120 words]

Simon Belmont is the great-grandson of Trevor Belmont and known as Grandpa two to the rest of the family. Like Trevor, Simon is obsessed with vampire killing and Belmont family pride. Now that he’s retired he watches a lot of television.

Simon is the most brusque member of the Belmonts. He’s never afraid to say exactly what he thinks and his politically incorrect statements sometimes shock and embarrass the rest of the family. Even though he can be the cruelest, Simon always defends his father, Solieyu Belmont, who is something of a disgrace to the family, especially to Trevor.

Blunt and to the point, Simon is certainly the cranky old man of the Belmonts, even if he’s not the oldest.

Juste Belmont

[in 325 words]

Juste, the grandson of Simon, is the Belmont with a secret past. Although he’s happy to join in whenever anyone is recounting their tale of how they defeated Dracula, Juste always leaves out one little thing – the fact that he had an affair with the man he went into the castle with, Maxim.

Like all the other Belmonts whose portrait hang in the hall of heroes, Juste defeated Dracula after he and Maxim went in to rescue a childhood friend. In events that followed, Maxim and Juste started a secret affair. However, although Juste was in love with Maxim, he knew he had to break things off in order to continue the Belmont family line. He and Maxim parted ways and Juste married and had children. The next time he saw Maxim, as he says himself, “he was in a casket.” Despite giving up his love, Juste claims to have no regrets. His dedication to the family is very strong, although he is not quite as crazed as his elders and is certainly more accepting and liberal. While the others turned their backs on Franswa’s culinary talent, Juste tried to encourage him. After all, he had already been through the same thing with his son Horatio, Franswa’s real father.

Besides vampire hunting, Juste also has a flair for interior decorating. No one else seems to take him seriously, but he’s trying to start up his own little decorating business. In case you’ve never played the Castlevania game Juste starred in, Harmony of Dissonance, you should know that in the game Juste collects furniture he finds lying all around the castle. He then arranges it in an empty room that serves no other purpose. That’s where the interior decorating idea came from.

Juste is certainly the most understanding and level headed of the Belmont elders. Sometimes it seems like he’s the only one who defeated Dracula but realizes there are other things in life as well.

Richter Belmont

[in 344 words]

Richter is the oldest son of Juste Belmont and the most recent Belmont to defeat Dracula. He has two siblings, Horatio Belmont and Julia Baldwin, and two children, Franswa Belmont, who he raised as his own, and Duke Belmont, who actually is his.

Richter’s defeat of Dracula actually didn’t go too well. He wound up getting possessed and staying in the castle. When he returned he found out his wife was pregnant and was too overjoyed to notice it was impossible for him to father a child while he was gone. 9 months later Franswa was born. Annette died shortly afterwards, leaving Richter to raise the child alone. As Franswa grew older and more into baking than vampire hunting, Richter began to wonder what was wrong with his son. Then a belated 18th birthday tape from Annette made it clear that Franswa wasn’t Richter’s son. When Richter found out his brother had slept with his wife he was furious until he found out his brother is gay. He managed to forgive Horatio and still considers Franswa his son, even though he has his true heir now.

Richter is very into Belmont pride. He wants very much to impress his elders, which is why he was so disappointed in Franswa. Even after he found out he wasn’t his father, Richter still didn’t want to encourage the chef dream. He thought since he had raised Franswa he should want to kill vampire regardless. Being with Tifa and having Duke has certainly softened Richter somewhat, and he is becoming more understanding.

Tifa was the only girl for Richter really. There was no one else who was beautiful yet tough enough for this rugged outdoorsman. When he gets into his Belmont pride mode, she’s the only one who can talk some sense into him.

Richter is a proud man who is desperate to live up to the elders he looks up to. He can be a bit old fashioned at times, but it appears that, in some ways at least, he’s trying to be a more open person.

Horatio Belmont

[in 252 words]

Horatio is the younger brother of Richter. In his younger days he had no desire to go hunting vampires, and his father was basically supportive of his baking talents. When he grew up, Horatio started his own bakery. Richter, meanwhile, went off to kill vampires and never came back. Richter’s wife, Annette, feared the worst and went to Horatio for support. One night too much booze led to gay Horatio giving heterosexuality a try. Annette soon found out she was pregnant. Soon afterward Richter turned up and was very excited that he was going to be a father. Ashamed of himself and not wanting to deny his brother, Horatio said nothing about it and let Richter raise the child as his own. Because he and Richter (and the rest of the family) didn’t have the best relationship, it was easy to stay out of the picture.

Once Richter found out the truth he was angry until he found out another secret – Horatio was gay and living with his partner, Franklin for years. The brothers managed to patch things up. Although he is still made fun of by Trevor and Simon, Horatio is actually back in the family picture now. He and Franswa have more of an Uncle and Nephew relationship. That’s the way Horatio always wanted it to be.

Horatio is a level headed Belmont who went after his dream and doesn’t regret it. The family teasing annoys him somewhat, but for the most part he lets it roll off his back.


[in 470 words]

Franswa knew from a young age that he didn’t really fit into the Belmont family. Although he was the oldest son of an oldest son, Richter Belmont, he didn’t want to fight vampires. Instead he wanted to cook and bake. This wasn’t the kind of behavior the Belmonts expected from him, and so they tried their best to get Franswa interested in killing vampires. Despite all their efforts, however, it just wouldn’t take. It didn’t come as too much of a surprise to Franswa when he found out he wasn’t Richter’s real son. He was upset for awhile, but now that he’s found his place in the family he’s much happier.

Never the macho guy the rest of the family men tend to be, Franswa was often rather whiny and sensitive. He often ran off crying when his family said things to upset him. And he was scared of vampires. But he’s grown into a stronger person now and tolerates the family teasing much better. He stands his ground and refuses to give into to the still lingering wishes that he would become a vampire hunter. When his family refused to support him going to cooking school, he tried to send himself there by working several jobs that ultimately didn’t work out. Franswa is also gay, something he tried to hide from his dad for a long time. He and Zell bonded over cooking (Franswa liking to cook and Zell wanting to eat.) and after being friends for a long time have started dating at last. That wasn’t something I had intended to do at all, but the chemistry was there. In fact, I hadn’t intended to even make Franswa a chef. That was a personality that just sort of came about, and I’m happy that it did.

I should also mention that Franswa’s name is not the traditional spelling of Franswa. (which is Francois.) I prefer the spelling I made up because it’s more phonetic. And I must admit that when I was choosing a name for Franswa’s character I wanted something that did not sound masculine in the least. Franswa was the first thing that came to mind.

Although Richter is not his real father, they still consider themselves father and son. Franswa has more of an uncle/son relationship with his real father. He’s also pretty close with his grandfather, Juste, who can most often be counted on to support him. He is often teased by the older Belmonts for not living up to the family standards. And although he thought his cousin Hugh was odd at first, they have turned into friends who are almost a little like brothers.

Franswa is a kind person who is genuinely liked by everyone. You can’t deny his talent in the kitchen. But I still wouldn’t tease him about hunting vampires.


[in 381 words]

Hugh is the only biological child of Richter’s sister, Julia Belmont, and her husband, Morris Baldwin. Although he is a Belmont by blood, he is not a Belmont by name, something which is very important to the Belmonts. Hugh knows himself only as a Baldwin and to him he is of a lower class.

Before Hugh was born his parents adopted another son, Nathan Graves. Morris, a vampire hunter himself, began to teach the boys. But Morris was soon favoring Nathan over his own son. This made Hugh extremely jealous and led to many fights between the boys. Not wanting her sons to fight, Julia had no choice but to send Hugh to live with her brother, Richter, and the rest of the “core” Belmont family. Richter told Hugh stories about what a great vampire hunter Franswa was, and Hugh believed him. This really confused Franswa and didn’t make him like his cousin at first.

Hugh very badly wants to be a vampire hunter and kill Dracula. He is extremely dedicated and has studied hard on the important vampire hunting subjects. Unfortunately in the mind of the Belmonts, only true Belmonts can kill Dracula. Because Hugh is a Baldwin he does not qualify. The Belmont elders do not treat him the same as they treat Belmonts, even Franswa, who they regard as lower. Because of this Hugh has very low self-esteem and feels like he fits in nowhere. Franswa has been trying to help him with that and he’s improved somewhat. His girlfriend, Bria, whom he is totally smitten with, has also tried to help. Hugh seems to have a talent for interior design that he’s not too proud of.

I did not make up the character of Hugh Baldwin, his father Morris or Nathan Graves. They’re all characters from Castlevania: Circle of the Moon. I just gave them personalities and messed with the family dynamics a bit.

Seeing his adopted brother totally ignored by the Belmonts was the highlight of Hugh’s life up to this point. He is a dedicated vampire hunter who badly wants to be recognized, but is easily down on himself and discouraged. However, he is a loyal and trustworthy person, who sometimes can go a little over the top in trying to be like his elders.


[in 350 words]

For someone who loves the character of Dante as much as I do, it’s odd that I haven’t played more than a few minutes of any Devil May Cry game. But even if you’ve never played one of the games he stars in, you can’t help but think he’s cool.

Okay, here’s the story of how Dante ended up in the rambles. I wanted Sephiroth and Alucard to break up, and I needed someone for Alucard. It couldn’t just be anybody. One day I was flipping through a gaming magazine and there was a picture of Dante. I looked at the picture and right away I knew he was the one for Alucard.

Dante and Alucard work because they are different in important ways. Dante is very laid back. Very little bothers him. He doesn’t easily get rattled or upset. Alucard has a lot of drama in his life while Dante doesn’t. He’s grounded.

He’s also sexy, and he knows it. Dante isn’t a big fan of clothes, especially shirts. He never buttons up a shirt. Ever. He works as a stripper and strip club owner, and he loves every second of it. He also loves pizza and rap music. It’s kind of hard to try and insult Dante, because he’s pretty quick and he’ll shoot one right back at you. He constantly torments his twin brother, Lloyd, who he does love in a sick, sad way. They don’t really get along because when it comes down to it, they really don’t like each other.

Because he’s half demon, Dante will live forever. This was another reason why he was perfect for Alucard. Dante also doesn’t mind Alucard’s crazy father Dracula, and takes his antics in stride. Sephiroth and Dante don’t really get along, but it’s mostly because Sephiroth is always trying to start something with Dante, and won’t let old grudges die.

Dante has a lot of friends and it’s easy to see why. He’s a cool, nice guy. People who don’t like him are jealous of him. Dante doesn’t really mind, he can’t really blame them for that.


[in 285 words]

When Dante entered the rambles, his brother Vergil came along for the ride. They may be identical twins, but they could not be more different, even when it comes to looks.

When I first decided to put Dante in the rambles, I asked Brady about the character since I had never played the game. He mentioned that Dante had a twin brother named Lloyd. Once I heard that I knew there was no way I could not put the twin in there too. After doing some research on my own, I discovered that his name wasn’t Lloyd, it was Vergil! Since I wasn’t a big fan of the name Vergil, I decided that Dante would call his brother Lloyd, which I made his middle name, just to piss him off.

Lloyd and Dante don’t get along. Lloyd is technically the older brother but he’s immature and he acts like he’s years younger. He’s a loser who can’t keep a crappy job, and couldn’t get laid until desperate as hell Zidane came along. Lloyd is very jealous of his brother and he knows inside that he’ll never live up to him.

One of Lloyd’s major quirks is his constant breaking stuff. If an object in any way annoys him, his first instinct is to call it stupid and to do something destructive, even if it’s a part of his own body. Lloyd is one to act before he thinks.

Because Lloyd is often unemployed he has no choice but to keep living with Dante and putting up with his taunting. Because he’s generally annoying anyway, no one really cares. Even people who try to call him Vergil wind up calling him Lloyd out of sheer frustration.


[in 85 words]

Serge is the main character in Chrono Cross, and because he never says a word it made him a shoe in for the RPG Main Character Syndrome group. It was easy to explain why he was messed up. He’s constantly traveling between two similar worlds with a horde of mismatched and weirdo companions. When Serge finally gets his voice back, we discover that he’s not quite at ease with many of the people he’s been spending time with, and he’s quite paranoid as a result.


[in 191 words]

Jack is my favorite character from Wild Arms, which is why I’m very, very sorry for what I did to him and his friends. I just couldn’t help myself.

At the time I introduced Dante and the condos Brady and I were playing Wild Arms. Because Rudy was a perfect fit for the therapy center, I decided to have them live there too. Jack is very intent on getting help for Rudy, seemingly because he seems to have a bit of a crush on him or something. Once Rudy got his voice back we could see that he did indeed have a crush on Rudy, but it seems his affections were far from being returned. Instead his friendship with Cecilia fell apart, they got evicted from the condo and he’s somehow trying to make peace between his mouse best friend and his love interest, who’s in love with the mouse. Not an easy situation to be in, and Jack’s emotional and mental well being has certainly taken a hit. I would hardly call him stable. Now the once friendly and easy going Jack is a patient at the therapy center himself.


[in 158 words]

Cecilia is part of the Wild Arms group, and at this point she seems to be the most normal one left. Kind and gentle, Cecilia also seemed to have a bit of a crush on Rudy. Because of the company she keeps it’s not too easy to see that she’s actually a Princess. She and Algus went on one date but it just didn’t work out. After Rudy got his mind back things started to go downhill at their home, and Cecilia just got to the point where even she couldn’t take it anymore. So she moved out with the Quarter Knights, their enemy, and started dating Berserk, who really doesn’t seem like the type of guy for her at all. Jack is still trying to get her to come back, but as kind as she is she doesn’t seem like she wants to deal with any of that any more. Guess she’s not that nice after all.


[in 52 words]

Hanpan is may be a talking wind mouse, but he’s also Jack’s best friend. He’s definitely not a pet. But poor Hanpan’s spirit was crushed as soon as Rudy started talking again. Now he spends most of his time protecting himself from Rudy’s advances, and he’s shedding like crazy from the stress.


[in 188 words]

I’ve done some messed up stuff in the rambles over the past seven years, but I’m pretty sure the whole Wild Arms situation ranks somewhere near the top. In the game, Rudy is a robot who has to cut his own arm off. Ouch. He doesn’t say a word in the whole game, prompting me to joke that all he hears in his head is circus music all the time. Hence the circus music/circus jokes. Rudy was an obvious choice for the RPG Main Character Therapy Group. If there was a prize for the most messed up, he would win it. Before he gets his voice back Koudelka had the misfortune of getting some peeks into his head and was freaked out by what she saw. Once he actually started talking again things got worse. Rudy wants Hanpan and he’s totally obsessed with him. This obsession, made Hanpan paranoid and nearly bald, drove Cecilia away and destroyed Jack’s mental state. No one can stand to be around him. And although Hanpan is very vocal about not wanting to be near Rudy, he seems to be oblivious to it.

Solid Snake

[in 225 words]

Solid Snake is from the Metal Gear Series, of course. I’ve never played them but I’ve watched others play. I always thought Solid Snake was one of the coolest characters ever because he was so tough. So when I needed someone to fill the other condo, into the rambles he went.

The character of Solid Snake in the rambles is a huge over exaggeration of what the character is really like. All he does is hide and sneak around, thinking practically everyone is up to some kind of terrorist act. His house is full of cardboard boxes to hide in (a big time Metal Gear joke). He also hides in the bushes outside his house. He has killed numerous throw away characters in the rambles, including his own brother, Liquid Snake. And while it seems to others that he is talking to himself, he is actually speaking into his Codec to Otakon, whose name he keeps pronouncing wrong. Otakon can’t stand Snake and wishes he would stop trying to contact him, considering they haven’t worked together in years.

Snake his retired from the anti-terrorist scene, but he just can’t seem to let old habits die. He works now at the strip club as a bartender, but it’s not easy to get his attention. He’s a big time loner through and through. Everyone’s a suspect to Snake.


[in 387 words]

Many, many moons ago, a friend showed me the game Koudelka. I never played it myself. Years later, I came up with the idea of the Video Game Character Therapy Center. I just needed some characters to run it. While discussing it with Brady, he suggested Koudelka. I had never seen more than a few minutes of the game, but I asked him some questions and started writing her anyway. I couldn’t see her as anything but an independent, blunt, intelligent woman who can be something of a bitch. I had Brady read my characterization of her and asked him if it was right at all. I know the rambles are a parody, but I couldn’t have her be totally out of character. Luckily, he told me I had her down just right.

I’ve since seen the whole game so my Koudelka background is much better. She really is an enjoyable character to write. She’s been a psychic ever since she was born and it hasn’t always been easy for her. Then she had sex one drunken night and wound up with a son. But none of this got her down. Together with Yuri they opened the therapy center to make money, entertain themselves, and help people. Yuri is probably the person she is closest to, he’s like an annoying little brother to her. They get along well, but Koudelka loves to make fun of him, especially when it comes to his sometimes bizarre sexual fantasies.

When Koudelka first met Cid she wasn’t interested in him at all. She’s not the kind of girl who goes out of her way to get dates, and all of Cid’s cursing didn’t really endear him to her. However he stuck it out and she soon realized he had good intentions and he wasn’t going away. Plus he was sweet but not too sweet, and he liked her dry sense of humor.

Koudelka doesn’t have a good relationship with her son’s father, Edward. She sees him as nothing more than a stupid, gambling felon. She’s a good mother to Halley but she lacks a true motherly nature.

Although she is quick to poke fun, collect money and Koudelka does want to help people and she takes her center seriously. She’s the perfect manager because she’s tough and doesn’t take crap from anybody.


[in 259 words]

Yuri is from the Shadow Hearts games, which I have never played but it’s a series Brady loves. When he suggested Koudelka for the therapy center he suggested Yuri as well. He told me Yuri could turn into a monster, and while I thought that was interesting, I’ve only had him do it once.

Yuri is Koudelka’s business partner, but he seems to have a lower rank than her as she bosses him around all the time. She sees him as an annoying little brother and he sees her as a forceful chick he wishes he could have sex with. Yuri and Koudelka get along well because they both like to be entertained by their clients and collect their money. Once upon a time Yuri was a patient of the center, and he’s clearly Koudelka’s most successful one. Now he’s in charge of the RPG Main Character Syndrome group, and he constantly complains about it. First he complained because no one talked, and now he complains because certain members of his group are a bit crazy.

Yuri seems to be the type of guy who always has sex on the brain. According to some things Koudelka has made reference to, it seems that he has some strange sexual appetites. He appears to be mostly straight, but I can’t guarantee that that would stick in certain situations.

He may say some stupid things in front of customers sometimes, but Yuri makes the perfect right hand man for Koudelka. He can picture her naked and she can mock him for it.


[in 245 words]

Nemesis is from Resident Evil, the third one to be specific. It’s a series I haven’t played myself since I am a big chicken, but Brady is a big fan. I’ve actually never seen Nemesis in game and I’m not sure I want to. He is very scary looking. That certainly explains why he scares the crap out of nearly everyone who sees him.

So what is Nemesis exactly? Well, he’s a superhuman soldier developed by Umbrella Corp. Yeah, believe it or not the word human was in there. He was created to destroy the S.T.A.R.S (special tactics and rescue squad) team. That would explain why all he ever says (with some different emphasis from time to time) is STARS! Most people just assume he’s talking about the gas balls in the sky.

Even though Nemesis may be a horrible monster that can tear you limb from limb, he still managed to hold down at job for Rufus at the Disco-Center for some time. He’s also a member of the Villain of the Year Award committee. Nemesis also has a softer side, and he enjoys knitting. He has made all kinds of stuff, including hats and scarves.

Nemesis certainly won’t hesitate to fight when provoke, and his fight with Chris Redfield ended up destroying the Disco-Center. This caused his friend and co-worker, Nightmare, to be angry with him for some time. The two have since patched things up, but they are both still unemployed. STARS!


[in 280 words]

Poor Nightmare can hardly go anywhere without being attacked by someone. That’s the price you pay for being the owner of the Soul Edge, the sword everybody in Soul Caliber wants, even though it’s evil. I don’t get it.

Nightmare talks about himself like he’s a person but he’s really not. He can’t take the armor off because he is the armor. A possessed suit of armor anyway. The weird thing is Nightmare used to be a guy. You may have noticed that a man named Siegfried who frequently starts fights with Nightmare. Once upon a time Siegfried was possessed by Soul Edge and became Nightmare. But Siegfried finally managed to separate from the armor. Nightmare was then resurrected by Zasalamel and is now an unstable walking suit of evil armor. Fun times!

In the rambles Nightmare is not really the ruthless killing machine he is in the games. Actually he enjoys musical theatre and dance. He takes classes and goes on auditions but doesn’t seem to be very successful. Nightmare is a member of the Villain of the Year award committee along with Nemesis, who he didn’t use to like. Ever since they worked together at the Disco-Center they have started to become friends, although Nightmare got mad at him when it was Nemesis’ fault the place burned down.

Nightmare also attends therapy at the center, which are frequently interrupted when people come to attack him. He’s very annoyed by the constant fighting and wishes they would just leave him alone already. But he never backs down from a fight. Nightmare also talks about himself in the third person, probably because he’s not really a person but an entity.

Chris Redfield

[in 257 words]

Chris is one of the main characters of the original Resident Evil game. He is a member of S.T.A.R.S (special tactics and rescue squad) and he takes his role as a cop very serious. In fact, Chris is very serious. He is totally dedicated to going to Europe and fighting Umbrella. He is so dedicated that he works as a stripper and saves all his money for the trip. He even resorted to living in his car before moving in with Dante and Lloyd temporarily.

Chris gets along well with the other strippers but he isn’t particularly close to any of them because he is too focused on his goal. The first time he left town for his trip no one thought they would ever see him again. Sadly Chris never got to Europe. He had been selling what he thought were medicinal herbs for a long time, but the herbs turned out to be pot. While in line for security at the airport he was arrested and wound up spending his trip money on his legal feeds. But Chris isn’t one to give up easily. He’s back saving for yet another trip. Because Chris has a deep hatred for Umbrella and Nemesis has been programmed to kill S.T.A.R.S members, they can’t really be in the same room together. Last time they were the Disco-Center burned down. Chris will sometimes mention his friend Barry, another S.T.A.R.S member. I mention Barry because in the original game the line: “Barry? Where’s Barry?” is acted so badly it’s unintentionally hilarious.

[in 172 words]

Bowser has been Mario’s enemy since you had leap onto the axe on the other side of the bridge in the very first Super Mario Bros. When I first came up with the Villain of the Year award committee, I knew Bowser had to be on it. I’ve always liked Bowser and found him amusing, so from there he was soon found in other rambles.

Bowser has 8 kids, 7 boys and one girl. He seems to be divorced or separated from his wife and got custody of the kids. This isn’t custody that he wants because he constantly complains about how children or he complains that he’s an unfit father. His children all have problems, probably because he was too busy chasing Mario and capturing the Princess to pay them any attention. He goes to the Villain support group at the therapy center with his friend DeDeDe. All they mostly do is complain to each other. Bowser is easily frustrated with his youngest child, Bowser Jr., who is a total brat.

Bowser’s kids

[in 150 words]

Bowser has 8 children, 7 boys and one girl. All of the kids, with the exception of Bowser Jr., were seen in Super Mario Bros. 3 for the first time. Bowser Jr. appeared later. He’s the youngest of the children by quite a stretch, as all his siblings seem to be much older. Because it seems his parents had just given up by that point, Bowser Jr. is a total brat who annoys both his parents, baby-sitters and other children. Cid especially can’t stand him and curses him constantly. The other Koopa children (in age order, youngest to oldest) are: Larry, Morton Jr., Wendy, Izzy, Roy, Lemmy and Ludwig. They all have problems. Larry “takes a lotta pills”, Morton is scary and covered in piercings, Wendy is a skank, Izzy is a stoner, Roy seems to be in a gang, Lemmy is an alcoholic and Ludwig is a homicidal maniac.

King DeDeDe

[in 90 words]

No one who comes from a place called Dreamland can be too evil, and that would certainly explain King DeDeDe, the antagonist of the Kirby games.

DeDeDe is a member of the Villain of the Year award committee and a villain’s group support group member. He spends most of his time quacking or complaining about the evil Kirby getting in his way. It’s hard to paint a pink fluff ball as pure evil, but he does his best. He’s also good friends with Bowser, and they are often seen together.


[in 53 words]

Gippal is a Final Fantasy character, Final Fantasy X-2 to be exact. He is Al-Bhed and he’s rather dashing and cocky. Those are traits I transferred over to his ramble persona. In the rambles Gippal works as one of the strippers. He greatly enjoys his job. He’s good friends with Dante and Maxi.


[in 137 words]

Maxi is another Soul Caliber character, which would explain why he and Nightmare do not get along. When I first started playing Soul Caliber I tried out several characters without much success. I’m not really much of a fighting game person. Then Brady suggested I give Maxi a try. Finally a character I could use adequately. And I liked how after a battle he would sometimes complain about his hair being messed up. Who does that? A male stripper, that’s who. When I needed male strippers for the club that Dante worked at, I knew Maxi would be a perfect fit. Maxi is a lot like his friends Dante and Gippal. He loves working as a stripper. But he’s still a Soul Caliber character, and he still hunts down Nightmare for a fight in his spare time.


[in 140 words]

Besides Algus, Delita is the only character in the rambles that is from Final Fantasy Tactics. He’s a character that I really, really dislike, which is part of the reason why I portray him the way that I do.

In the rambles Delita works at the strip club with Dante and the others. Unlike the others he doesn’t really do the job because he enjoys it. It does it for the money, since he’s poor. He also works at Starbucks and he’s often complaining about having to work two jobs and about his bill collectors. He’s kind of the outcast among the group.

The one time Delita and Algus met up things between them did not go well. Algus couldn’t stop calling him a peasant and Delita wanted him dead. Guess Algus did something bad to Delita at some point.


[in 143 words]

Halley is the young son of Koudelka and Edward, who was conceived after a night of drunken “pity sex” according to Koudelka. He is a quiet, rather shy child who is very compassionate and kind to others. So I guess you can say he’s quite different from his parents.

Halley spent most of his time with his father, as per the agreement Koudelka and Edward made. But when Edward had to go to jail, Halley came back to stay with his mother. That’s when Koudelka discovered that Halley had inherited her psychic abilities. This greatly upset her because she had had such a hard time with her gift when she was younger. But Halley easily made friends with the other children, and he also likes Cid, his mother’s new boyfriend. He does like being with his father, despite what Koudelka thinks of him.


[in 167 words]

Edward is Halley’s father. He’s a gambling man and a thief who is frequently in and out of jail. He’s not the best role model for his son, but he’s still a loving parent who does do his best even if he has exposed Halley to some things that really aren’t appropriate for a child.

Edward really likes Koudelka and wants to be with her, but she claims she only had sex with him that one time because of pity and because she was drunk. It saddens him that she wants nothing to do with him and doesn’t think much of him. He really wants to prove to her that he can be the man for her. Right now he is working at the strip club and he isn’t proud of it. Edward hates that Koudelka is seeing Cid and he’s very jealous. Cid is definitely someone he doesn’t want around because he sees him as competition not only for Koudelka but for his son as well.

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