Alucard: “What problem? You made yours up! I have a real problem – are you going to help me?”

 Originally Published: 2/28/09 . 7 pages

This one is just classic Sephiroth.

 

 

 

(Sephiroth and Vincent are in the ramble room.)

Sephiroth: “I need to replace Lark.”

Vincent: “People aren’t really replaceable, angel.”

Sephiroth: “Obviously, Vincent! Cloning hasn’t been perfected yet. What I mean is that I need someone I can go to, to talk about things.”

Vincent: “You can always come to me, angel.”

Sephiroth: “But what if I want to complain about *you*? Then what?”

Vincent: *frowns*

Sephiroth: “This might take some work.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

(first he goes and seeks out twilight.)

Sephiroth: “Twilight! You’re just the guy I’m looking for!”

Twilight: “Of course I am! You wanna go to the pool area and splash people again?”

Sephiroth: “Not today. I have a very important question for you. Let’s say that I came to you complaining that Vincent wants to go on a whale watching trip, and I don’t wanna go. What would you tell me?”

Twilight: “So he really doesn’t want to go on a whale watching trip?”

Sephiroth: “No. …Well, he does, but he hasn’t brought that up in awhile.”

Twilight: “Wait, what?”

Sephiroth: “Just answer the question!”

Twilight: “Just make up some lie! Say you’re allergic to whales! That’s what I would do. You know how many things I’ve said I’m allergic to? If it was all true I wouldn’t be able to touch my lightsaber.”

Sephiroth: “…Not quite the answer I was looking for.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so Sephiroth hunts down tseng.)

Sephiroth: “Tseng! You’re in a relationship that’s mostly functional!”

Tseng: “…Mostly functional…?”

Sephiroth: “I come to you, complaining that Vincent wants me to do something I don’t wanna do.”

Tseng: “Like what, dare I ask?”

Sephiroth: “Like a whale watching trip – why? What did you think it would be?”

Tseng: “Something in bed—“

Sephiroth: “Ugh!” *walking away* “Forget you and your sick mind!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so he goes next door to find alucard trying to get Dracula out of the attic.)

Alucard: “Dad! I’m not kidding around! You come out of there right now!”

Sephiroth: “Wasn’t there a ladder?”

Alucard: “Dad pulled it up so the snowflake alligators couldn’t follow him.”

Sephiroth: “The what?”

Dracula’s voice: “Alucard! Take this! You’ll need it to protect yourself!”

(they both watch as something falls and hits the floor with a thud. It’s one of his arms.)

Alucard: “Dad! Please keep your body parts attached to you!”

Sephiroth: “Why don’t you just turn into a bat and fly up there?”

Alucard: *big sigh* “Because dad has decided that bats are in league with the snowflake alligators. And he’s vowed to kill them all.”

Sephiroth: “Oh.”

Alucard: “You should have seen Buttons flee for his life.”

Sephiroth: “Great. So anyway, I have a hypothetical problem I need your opinion on.”

Alucard: “Dad! Don’t make me yell at you again!”

Sephiroth: “Let’s say I come to you complaining about how Vincent wants me to go on a stupid trip I don’t wanna go on. How would you respond?”

Alucard: “Dad! Don’t make me call Death!” *mutters* “I wish D didn’t pick today to go to the dermatologist.”

Sephiroth: “Are you listening to me?”

Alucard: “Dad! I will find another ladder!”

(something else falls from the attic and lands with a thud. It’s dracula’s left foot.)

Alucard: “Am I supposed to use that for protection too? Are they terrified of athlete’s foot?”

Sephiroth: “Are you going to help me with my problem?”

Alucard: “What problem? You made yours up! I have a real problem – are you going to help me?”

Sephiroth: “No! I know how this is going to end! You’re going to end up on the roof with an axe!”

(he leaves. Alucard looks thoughtful.)

Alucard: “That’s not a bad idea…”

(now outside, Sephiroth looks thoughtful himself.)

Sephiroth: “Maybe it has to be a girl…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so we next find him with kuja in loser land. Kuja is filing his nails and most of his attention seems to be on that task.)

Sephiroth: “So that’s the hypothetical situation.”

(Seymour pops up from the floor, nail polish in hand.)

Seymour: “3 coats, or 4?”

Kuja: “4. Of course.”

Sephiroth: “Does he have to do this right now?”

Kuja: “I don’t even interrupt my toenail maintenance for Desperate Housewives. Now, onto your question. Is he paying for the trip?”

Sephiroth: “I guess so.”

Kuja: “I never turn down a free trip. Plus, while you’re on the trip, you’ll probably get bonus gifts for all the other favors he’ll want.”

Sephiroth: *disgusted* “This is Vincent, not Hojo! I’m not his borderline prostitute!”

Kuja: “How dare you! In my position, anyone would have done the same.”

Sephiroth: *gets up* “I don’t wanna hear any more about your ‘positions’.” *mutters to self* “I should have gone to a *real* girl.”

(he leaves. Seymour pops up again.)

Seymour: “I thought your advice was right on.”

Kuja: “Of course.” *flips hair* “Any sane girl would agree.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so Sephiroth goes down to the video game character therapy center.)

Sephiroth: “Will you answer a hypothetical question for me?”

Koudelka: “Sure, but I’ll have to charge you.”

Sephiroth: “Give me a break! For one question!?”

Koudelka: “I can’t give my advice away for free. People pay me for it.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, desperate weirdoes with nowhere else to turn!”

(he gestures to jack who sits nearby, staring at his watch)

Jack: “Only 3 and a half more minutes till my appointment! Yay!”

Koudelka: “I think you better leave.”

Sephiroth: “Gladly!” *mutters* “Blood sucking leech.”

Jack: “Can we start now? Only 2 minutes and 17…16….15! Seconds to go!”

Koudelka: “I’ll have to charge you extra.”

Jack: “Okay!”

Koudelka: *smiles* “I love my patients.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so Sephiroth sulks back to the ramble room as night is falling. He finds Vincent sitting on the porch swing. In the background alucard is climbing on the roof of the castle with an axe. D is on the ground watching.)

D: “Can’t we borrow a ladder?”

Alucard: “I tried asking the Belmont’s! They wanted me to fill out a questionnaire on why I needed one! And no one else has one!”

D: “Please be careful!”

Vincent: “How was your day, angel?”

Sephiroth: “Bad. I don’t think there’s anyone here that could respond to my question the way Lark would have.”

Vincent: “How do you know that?”

Sephiroth: “Because! I know exactly how she would have answered me! She would have told me to suck it up and go because I love you, and if things were reversed, you’d go for me!”

Vincent: “…Angel…if you already *know* what she’d say, why do you need someone else to tell you?”

(in the background, Dracula walks over to d and stares up at alucard.)

Dracula: “Wow! Birds get uglier every day.”

D: “Dad!”

Alucard: “DAD?!”

(he loses his balance, trips, falls, and slides off the roof, landing in some bushes. Neither Sephiroth nor Vincent even turn around.)

Sephiroth: “You just don’t understand, Vincent. It’s just not the same.”

(alucard pops out of the bush, rubbing his head.)

Alucard: “Ow.”

Dracula: “Alucard! There you are! The birds around here are as big as people!” *gasps* “They’re probably in league with the snowflake alligators! Damn them! Damn them all back to the snowflake kingdom!” *runs inside*

D: “Father, no!” *chases after him*

Alucard: “…That’s it. I’m done.” *collapses back into the bushes*

Vincent: “I’m sorry to hear that, angel.”

Sephiroth: *thoughtfully* “I bet Tseng would have said something like that.” *frowns* “Once he got his mind out of the gutter.”

Vincent: “Anyway, angel, I’ve been thinking… I’d really like to finally take a whale watching trip.”

Sephiroth: *stares at Vincent then slowly starts to walk inside* “TSENG!!”

 

THE END