Twilight: “Apparently books are crap, so why bother?”

Originally Published: 12/29/08 . 4 pages

Obviously, I like vampires. So I bought and read Twilight. I figured since the book was so popular, it must be good. Well, I apologize if you’re a Twi-hard, but it just wasn’t for me. Shell also read the book and I borrowed her reaction and used it for Dante. Yup.  Back to the store with that book.  

warning! this contains spoilers for the book twilight by stephanie meyer, so if you haven’t read it…well, honestly I don’t recommend reading it, because it was awful. But that’s besides the point. You’ve been warned.

(we’re at alucard’s castle in the living room. alucard, dante, sephiroth, vincent, twilight, and franswa are gathering. they are all holding copies of the book ‘twilight’ except for dante, and besides twilight, none of them look happy.)

Alucard: “Okay, who chose this book again?”

Everyone: “…………..”

Vincent: “…It was Franswa.”

Sephiroth: “Ah ha! So we have you to blame!”

Franswa: “Everybody said it was good!”

Sephiroth: “First of all, you’d think the last thing you’d wanna read is another thing about vampires!”

Franswa: “Well, we already had it at my house, so I didn’t have to spend any money on it. My family buys every book involving vampires. Do you know how many books we have involving the Count from Sesame Street?”

Alucard: “Honestly, I would hardly call this book about vampires! I mean you read it – you read it, right?” *points at the book angrily* “We sparkle! We f*cking sparkle! The sun doesn’t hurt us – it just looks like we’re coated in glitter!”

Sephiroth: “What’s the matter, Alucard? Don’t you go play baseball when it thunders?”

Dante: “Ugh. I kept expecting something cool to happen in this book, but nothing ever did. It just kept getting lamer.”

Vincent: “I must admit I was not buying their love story.”

Alucard: “Yeah, seriously. If that guy couldn’t find someone more interesting than her in one hundred years, he must have been living under a rock.”

Dante: *sarcastically* “But she was just soooo interesting. He could never tell what she was thinking.”

Sephiroth: “That’s because her head was empty.”

Franswa: “Where’s your copy of the book, Dante?”

Dante: “Oh, I returned it to the store. And when they asked me what the problem was with it, I told them it was terrible.”

Sephiroth: “Dammit! I should have thought of that! Instead I highlighted all the parts I hated.”

(he opens up his book and holds it out. pretty much the whole thing is highlighted)

Twilight: “I don’t understand why everyone hated it! I thought it was great!”

Sephiroth: “You can’t read, Twilight. All you can read is the title, and you think it’s about you.”

Twilight: “Well isn’t it? It’s about time they wrote a book about me!”

Franswa: “I don’t think anyone would want this book to be about their life.”

Dante: “I don’t even think the parts of this book based in reality were realistic. I especially loved the eighties Lifetime movie almost rape scene.”

Alucard: “These vampires have no flaws! No flaws! If being a vampire was really like this, what would stop anyone from becoming one? There are no drawbacks!”

Dante: “I knew you wanted to sparkle.”

Sephiroth: “I especially loved the end, where instead of getting a huge, awesome fight between vampires, you get boring commentary from inside the empty head of the boring main character.”

Vincent: “There seemed to be very little conflict in this book to begin with.”

Franswa: “Yeah… I spent a long time wondering where this story was going.”

Sephiroth: “He kept telling her he could kill her at any time – I kept wishing he would do it already!”

Alucard: “Me too!”

Twilight: “So this book’s not about me? At all?”

Dante: “I felt like most of this book was spent talking about how hot Edward is. Or, more like comparing him to a rock – with his granite chest and his chiseled features.”

Sephiroth: “I think the girl was really sexually attracted to rocks.”

Vincent: “Perhaps that was because that was all she had in her head.”

Sephiroth: “Okay, if Vincent’s burning it, you know it’s a piece of crap.”

Alucard: “Ugh. Just…ugh. I have no more words for this book. It was awful. Just awful.”

Sephiroth: “Agreed. Franswa’s not allowed to pick the book for awhile.”

Franswa: “I’m really sorry, everybody. Really, really sorry.”

Twilight: “I know I just joined, but I’m dropping out.”

Sephiroth: “You can’t even read.”

Twilight: “Apparently books are crap, so why bother?”

(then dracula wanders in, holding a copy of twilight and looking confused)

Dracula: “Alucard, I’m confused. I just finished reading this book…” *blink blink* “Even *I’m* pretty sure we don’t sparkle.” *pause* “It was horrible.”

Alucard: *gets up and drops the book on the floor* “And with that, I adjourn this meeting.”

THE END