#195 – Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way

Dante: “I’m also pretty good at doing your ex-boyfriend.”

Originally Published: 10/27/06 . 58 pages

Synopsis
After some recent deaths, Rufus decides to redo his will. Reno gets a surprise from the past when his sister shows up, and Kuja and Seymour hatch a plan to finally see Shadow’s face. Also, Sephiroth is determined to beat Dante at touch football.

Ramble Milestones
-Kefka dies.
-Trini’s first appearance.

This ramble is a collection of small plots, and I love them all, but my favorite is Kuja’s quest to see Shadow’s face. I had been planning Kefka’s death for awhile – he never did much besides pop up and scare everyone anyway. And I wish I had introduced Trini sooner – I really like her as a character. The end of this one sets up events in the rambles to come.

 So long ago, I don’t remember when

That’s when they say I lost my only friend

Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease

As I listened through the cemetery trees

I seen the sun comin’ up at the funeral at dawn

The long broken arm of human law

Now it always seemed such a waste

She always had a pretty face

So I wondered how she hung around this place

 Hey, come on try a little

Nothing is forever

There’s got to be something better than

In the middle

But me & Cinderella

We put it all together

We can drive it home

With one headlight

–“One Headlight”, The Wallflowers

 (we open in loser land. scarlet, nida, heidegger, stinky, hojo, kuja and seymour are all standing around in total silence, staring at the ceiling)

Nida: “It has been way too quiet around here lately.”

Seymour: “There’s been no…’random encounters’ if you get what I’m saying.”

Kuja: “And it smells in here worse than usual.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! And I swear it’s not me!”

Stinky: *snort*

Scarlet: “It’s been years since anyone even went up there.”

Hojo: “For good reason!”

Scarlet: “Maybe somebody better go check it out.”

Everyone but Scarlet: “Not it! (Gya haa haa!)”

Scarlet: “I am *not* going up there alone.”

Nida: “It was your idea, whore!”

Hojo: “I’m not going up there!”

Scarlet: “Let’s all go.”

Heidegger: “I don’t know if I can make it up the stairs! Gya haa haa!”

Kuja: “And I might get dust in my hair.”

Scarlet: “Either we all go or nobody does.”

Nida: “Fine! Let’s just go!”

Kuja: “Maybe we’ll find the source of the stench. Because for once it’s definitely not Heidegger’s ass.”

Heidegger: “Told you! Gya haa haa!”

Hojo: “Fine. But I cannot promise to keep my eyes open.” *pause* “Or my pants dry.”

(so the losers all cautiously go up to the attic. it looks like a typical attic, with stuff lying all around. there’s a tea set set out in the corner. but it smells really, really bad. scarlet is leading the group. suddenly she stops short and gasps)

Nida: “What? What is it? It’s so dark up here! I should have brought my headlight lamp!”

(she wordlessly points to where kefka is lying totally dead on the floor, his limbs frozen in odd positions. there is a single fly buzzing around his body. everyone just stands there staring at it for a few moments)

Kuja: “Oh.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, rufus and algus are at a funeral for mojo. all the chrono cross characters are standing around the casket. some of them are crying. rufus is looking at his watch)

Rufus: “How long is this going to last? All he was was a couple of pieces of straw tied together!”

Algus: “It must be nearly over.”

Skelly: *sobbing* “Why, Mojo, why?! Why couldn’t it have been me?!” *sobs*

Fargo: “Ar, you’re already dead!”

Skelly: “Still!” *sobs more*

Karsh: “Of course. Something that doesn’t eat kicks it.”

Riddel: “Shush! Don’t let the others hear you!”

Serge: “All of you scare me!”

Radius: “I don’t want to go back to the old folks home! I’m the only one left!”

Karsh: “You’ll go where you’re told!”

Rufus: “…As far as I’m concerned it’s time to leave.”

Algus: “I agree.”

(they get up and start to walk away)

Rufus: “So I found a new tenant for the condo.”

Algus: “Splendid! That’s more money in your pocket!”

Rufus: “Most people would probably feel guilty shoving a crying, compulsively shedding mouse out of his home, but not me.”

Algus: “That’s because you’re realistic! What did your insurance company say about this deceased clump of cow food they just put in the ground?”

Rufus: “I’m not liable!”

Algus: “Wonderful!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(back at loser land, the losers have dug a hole in the way back of their yard and unceremoniously dumped kefka in it. hojo has filled up most of the hole with dirt, but it seems like he didn’t dig a very deep hole because he’s done filling it up with dirt and some of kefka’s fingers are still sticking up above ground. the rest of the losers stand around staring at it)

Hojo: “There. More than that freak deserved.”

Nida: “Uh…you can still see his fingers.”

Hojo: *sigh* “What do you want me to do about it?”

Nida: “That’s super creepy! Like what if he comes back to life? He could dig himself back out!”

Hojo: “He’s not going to come back to life. The…thing is dead.”

Nida: “It’s creepy!”

Seymour: “It really is pretty creepy.”

(hojo sighs again, picks up the shovel and just whacks at the fingers so they go back into the ground)

Hojo: “There. Better?”

Nida: “Now I’m nauseous.”

Everyone: “…………………”

Scarlet: “Does anyone…wanna say something?”

Hojo: “I will. Thank god that freak is out of our lives forever. His scary clown outfits can bother us no more.”

Kuja: “And neither will the stench of his dead corpse.”

Scarlet: “Amen.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(some time later in the ramble room, seymour and kuja are talking to lark and tseng)

Lark: “So he’s *dead*?”

Kuja: “Oh yes.”

Seymour: “Very, very dead.”

Tseng: “What happened?”

Kuja: *shrugs* “We were all so happy we didn’t even think to try and figure that out.”

Seymour: “The important thing is that he’s dead.”

Lark: “I can’t say I’m too broken up over it either, but…weird.”

(rufus and algus enter)

Rufus: “Hey, Lark. Something wrong?”

Lark: “No, not really. Just confusing. Kefka’s dead.”

Rufus: “Someone else died? I just came from a funeral!”

Lark: “Omg! Who died?”

Rufus: “You know that straw guy from Chrono Cross?”

Lark: “Mojo?! That’s horrible! What happened?”

Rufus: “There was a small accident at the gas station I had him working at.”

Lark: “Did it involve a fire?”

Rufus: “It burned for a week.”

Lark: “Rufus! That’s awful!”

Rufus: “What?! It’s not like any of them really cared! At most they looked slightly inconvenienced!”

Tseng: “Rufus…”

Rufus: “But I don’t like the looks of this! With people dropping left and right, someone people actually like could be next! Someone like me! I better rewrite my will. It’s pretty outdated. If I die tomorrow I’m pretty sure Mr. Jingles will get most of my stuff. And I don’t think Elena would like that very much.”

Algus: “Good idea, Rufus. You should call your sister/lawyer immediately.”

Rufus: “I think I will. Let’s go, Algus. I’ll see you guys later.”

(he and algus leave.)

Seymour: “I guess we better get back.”

Kuja: “Ta ta for now.”

(they leave the ramble room and start to head for the door)

Seymour: “You want me to give you another hand massage?”

Kuja: “You are being suspiciously nice lately. I’m not letting you borrow my tennis bracelet. You don’t know what I had to do to get that.”

Seymour: “No, I—“

(but before he can finish they both pause and stop. that’s because shadow’s sneaking by against the wall. locke stands there looking annoyed)

Shadow: “Freeze! They’ll see you!”

Locke: “Stop it. You’re embarrassing.”

Shadow: “Too late! Make a run for it!” *runs off*

Locke: “Screw this.” *turns and leaves*

Kuja: *turns to seymour with a smile* “You know I still have not seen his face.”

Seymour: “I know what we’ll be doing later.”

Kuja: “There has to be a way for him to take that mask off…”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, edgar and setzer are walking along…)

Setzer: “I heard Rufus is going to redo his will.”

Edgar: “He’s a very smart man.”

(then there’s a knock at the door. they both look over to the door.)

Setzer: “…Should we get it?”

Edgar: “Ever since that one time, I’ve been quite cautious to do so.”

(there’s another knock)

Setzer: “Let’s just get it. There’s no one else around.”

Edgar: “Very well. But if it’s someone who causes a problem, I am blaming you.”

(so setzer opens the door. and standing there is a very beautiful young girl with red hair and blue eyes. she smiles at them. just then irvine passes by in the background. he pauses and stares at her)

Girl: “Heeeeeey! What’s up? Is there a guy named Reno here?”

Setzer: “Reno?”

Irvine: “Reno?” *shoves in front of edgar and setzer* “Why you looking for Reno, beautiful? You should be lookin’ for me.” *grin* “The name’s Irvine Kinneas.”

Girl: “Hey, Irvine. I’m Trini.”

Irvine: “Trini, huh? That’s a hot name for a hot chick.”

Girl: “You’re not too bad yourself. So I guess Reno is here?”

Irvine: “He’s around somewhere, I guess. But why you wanna sleep with him when you could be ridin’ the Irvine express?”

(edgar and setzer both roll their eyes, but trini just laughs)

Trini: “I’m not here to sleep with Reno! That’d be gross! I’m his sister!”

(everybody’s jaw drops)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, at starbucks, lloyd and delita are working. delita is helping a customer. lloyd has his back to him and is shoving a muffin in his mouth and quickly drinking a cup of coffee. delita finishes with the customer and then turns to lloyd with a frown.)

Delita: “Vergil. Are you eating and drinking without paying for it again?”

Lloyd: *turns around mouth obviously full of muffin* “………No.” *jumps* “Dammit! #$@%&*$ coffee! Stop spilling yourself all over me!”

Delita: “I knew it! Stop taking stuff for free or I’ll have to fire you.”

Lloyd: “I haven’t taken anything!”

Delita: “…You have muffin crumbs all over your apron.”

Lloyd: “Sh*t.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, dante is outside tossing a football up in the air and catching it. sephiroth walks over)

Dante: “Get kicked out of the ramble room again?”

Sephiroth: “No. I think I left my bat print pajama pants at your house.”

Dante: “Bat print pajama pants?”

Sephiroth: “Your boyfriend was the one who gave them to me.”

Dante: “I didn’t say anything. They’re probably inside.”

(sephiroth goes to proceed inside, but he stops and looks at dante, who is still tossing the football)

Sephiroth: “What the hell are you doing?”

Dante: “You have eyes, so you tell me.”

Sephiroth: “Why are you tossing a football around?”

Dante: “Because I want to. I like football. I might get a group together and play some touch football this weekend.”

Sephiroth: *snort*

Dante: “If you gotta comment don’t hold back.”

Sephiroth: “You? Football? That’s rich. You gonna play with your little stripper friends? What a challenge. If you played anybody decent you’d get your ass kicked.”

Dante: “You’re suggesting yourself I’m sure.”

Sephiroth: “It would be a slaughter.”

Dante: “Yeah. Right. Okay, you’re on. Get a team together and we’ll see who the big talker is.”

Sephiroth: “You’re on.”

Dante: “And you’re screwed. Because I’m better than you at everything.”

Sephiroth: “The only thing you’re good at is talking about yourself.”

Dante: “I’m also pretty good at doing your ex-boyfriend.”

Sephiroth: “He has plenty of mental issues. That doesn’t mean you’re better than me.”

Dante: *grins* “Yeah it does.”

Sephiroth: “No it doesn’t.”

Dante: “Yeah it does. I bet if you asked everybody who they’d rather have sex with, me or you, most people would pick me.”

Sephiroth: “No they wouldn’t.”

Dante: “Yeah they would.”

Sephiroth: “We’ll see about that! And go call up your skanky friends because you’re about to get creamed in football this weekend!”

(he goes stomping up to the condo and tries to open the door, but it won’t open. dante has his back turned with a smile)

Dante: “It’s locked.”

Sephiroth: *huge sigh* “Well can you unlock it *please*?”

Dante: *comes over* “What would you do without me?”

Sephiroth: “Be much happier.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(a short time later, back inside the ramble complex, rufus goes into his room where elena is watching tv with max. lily is napping in her crib.)

Rufus: “Hey.”

Elena: *comes over to give him a kiss* “Hey, hon. How was the you-know-what?”

Rufus: “Boring. And guess who else kicked the bucket? Kefka.”

Elena: *gasp* “Oh my gosh! Really?”

Rufus: “Yup. So I think I should really redo my will. It’s kind of outdated. Sunshine’s coming over tomorrow to help me fix it.”

Elena: “That’s good. Because I really don’t think Mr. Jingles deserves all that stuff.”

Rufus: “Me neither. He’s been rather uncuddly lately.”

Elena: “So guess who has a birthday coming up?”

Rufus: “It better not be Reno, because I’m not buying him a present.”

Elena: “No, Lily! Her first birthday! I have to plan something.”

Rufus: “You want to throw a huge party and spend lots of money?”

Elena: “Rufus, she’s a year old. She doesn’t need a huge party.”

Rufus: “I know, but, I’m rich. I can spare it.”

Elena: “Save it for her sixteenth or something.”

Rufus: “Fine! But you can’t stop me from throwing a huge party for Max when he turns six!”

Max: *peers over the back of the couch* “Really? I get a birthday party?”

Rufus: “Of course! It’ll be the best birthday party you’ve ever had!”

Max: “I’ve never had a party before.”

Rufus: *goes over to him* “Well this one is gonna be so big it’ll make up for all of them!”

Max: “And I can invite the kids from daycare and from school?”

Rufus: “Sure! You’ve got some time so I really want you to start thinking about all the stuff you want, okay?”

Max: “Okay!!” *runs off*

Elena: “See? He deserves the big party more than Lily does.”

Rufus: “I can afford both.”

Elena: “Rufus, what is your obsession with throwing parties? You used to hate it when people made you pay for everything!”

Rufus: *thinks* “Hmm…I don’t know. I guess I just got used to it.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in the ramble room, reno, rude, seifer and zell are talking)

Reno: “So I heard from Tseng that Rufus is redoing his will.”

Rude: “He’d probably sooner leave something to a random goat than leave anything to me.”

Zell: “It would be cool if he left me something! After all, I do take care of Mr. Jingles!”

Seifer: “I wanna get in on that action too! He’s richer than all the rich people ever!”

Reno: “I plan on cashin’ in on Rufus too. So over the next few days you’ll all be seeing a different side of Reno. The suck up, model employee side.”

Rude: “I don’t think Rufus is gonna buy it.”

Reno: “You’d be surprised how much gets by him. You know that chair of his I ruined when I took it for a ride down the wheelchair ramp?”

Rude: “Yeah.”

Reno: “Totally blamed it on Mr. Jingles.”

Zell: “Mr. Jingles would never be that careless!”

Seifer: “I thought Mr. Jingles wasn’t real.” *scratches head* “Now I’m confused.”

(rude, zell and seifer all leave. reno goes to leave but before he can, irvine enters with trini. she spots reno, grins and hugs him)

Trini: “Reno! Wow! You haven’t changed much! I’m so glad I finally found you!”

Reno: “Hey, baby! I’m glad you finally found me too! It’s not every day I get jumped by a hot chick like you!”

Trini: *laughs* “I see you don’t recognize me at all.”

Reno: “Sure I do! You’re…uh…”

Trini: “I’m your sister. Remember?”

Reno: *eyes widen and he stares at her* “…Trini?”

Trini: “Unless you gotta another sister I’ve never met.”

Reno: “Holy sh*t! It’s great to see you!” *hugs her again* “It’s been… It’s been… I don’t even know how long it’s been!”

Trini: “A long time. Whatcha been up to?”

Reno: “Not much. Workin’ at Shinra, co-owning a bar. How about you?”

Trini: “Nothing. You co-owner a bar? Really? That is so cool!”

Reno: “Yeah, with that joker over there.” *points to irvine* “Seems you already met.”

Irvine: “Dude, I never knew you had a sister!”

Reno: “You never asked.”

Irvine: “And she’s hot!”

Reno: “Don’t say that about my sister!”

Trini: “Reno, I’m a big girl now. I don’t need you protecting me!”

Reno: “Yeah, but, you’re still my little sister.”

Trini: “I’m 23! I’m far from little. Now come on! I wanna see this bar of yours! Let’s go!”

(she runs out the door. reno looks at irvine)

Reno: “Talk about a surprise.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, at the condos, it seems liquid snake is moving his stuff in. solid snake is crouched in the bushes next to it, mumbling)

Snake: *mutters* “Otakon! We have a big problem. Code blue. Repeat! Code blue! There is a clone of me, or something, walking around in the broad daylight!  He is carrying large boxes, probably with the intent to hide in them. I will continue to monitor this situation closely!”

(liquid snake is standing on the front step right next to the bushes. he frowns and looks down at the bushes in confusion)

Liquid Snake: “…Thought I heard something…” *shrugs and goes inside*

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day, sephiroth starts off bright and early by confronting shell, rude, twilight, and opal in the ramble room)

Sephiroth: “Okay, who would rather have sex with me than Dante?”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Sephiroth: “…Not all at once now.”

Shell: “Why are you asking that?”

Sephiroth: “Because Dante’s an idiot who thinks more people would rather have sex with him than me! Isn’t that crazy?!”

Everyone: “…………”

Sephiroth: “…You’re supposed to agree.”

Shell: “Well I don’t agree. I’d rather have sex with Dante.”

Sephiroth: “Are you kidding me?! Why??”

Shell: “Because. He doesn’t have an over abundance of hair, and he’s a good dresser. You wear the same thing every day.”

Sephiroth: “But he doesn’t even know how to button a shirt!”

Shell: *happy sigh* “Yeah…”

Rude: *frowns* “Shell.”

Shell: “Don’t interrupt my fantasy, Rude.”

Sephiroth: “Fine! I didn’t come in here for your opinion anyway! Opal – I’m way better, right?”

Opal: “Um…”

Twilight: “Sephiroth, we’re friends and all, but if you ask my girlfriend that question again my lightsaber’s gonna cut you in two.”

Sephiroth: “Then will *you* answer the question?”

Twilight: “Gross! No way!”

Sephiroth: “Rude?”

Rude: “…………….”

Sephiroth: “Oh, you’re good for nothing, Rude! Well will you guys at least agree to be on my touch football team?”

Twilight: “Do I get to push people down?”

Sephiroth: “You can shove them down and push their face in the mud for all I care.”

Twilight: “Then I’m in! Plus I can use the Force to push people down!”

Opal: “Twilight, play nice.”

Sephiroth: “Good! That’s one! Rude? You wanna be on the winning team?”

Rude: “No.”

Sephiroth: “Well good! Because I have people who don’t suck who wanna be on it!”

(he storms out)

Opal: “Twilight, every time you play a game somebody gets hurt.”

Twilight: “I know! I’m just that good!”

(they leave. rude looks at shell with a sigh)

Rude: “Shell.”

Shell: “You’re still interrupting, Rude.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so irvine and reno take trini to the bar. she looks around excitedly)

Trini: “Wow! You own this place?! This is so cool!”

Reno: “Yeah, it is pretty cool.”

Trini: “And all that free booze?! That’s like a dream!”

Irvine: “Hells yeah it is!”

Reno: *frowns* “Yeah, I guess.”

Trini: “I’ve gotta come by tonight when everybody’s here! Does it get really busy?”

Irvine: “Yeah! We’re packed almost every night! We’re the most popular bar in town by far! Way more popular than that chick Orhla’s bar. And she sleeps with *everyone*. Even me. But that was before I had this bar.”

Trini: “I’m so excited to party with you guys!”

Reno: “Trini, it’s cool that you’re so excited about the bar, but I don’t really know if I wanna party with my little sister.”

Trini: “Reno, stop it! I’m not five years old anymore, okay? I came all this way to see you! Now you’re gonna wuss out on me?”

Reno: “Hey, I don’t wuss out on anybody!”

Trini: “Damn right you don’t! C’mon, Irvine – I bet there’s more to see!”

Irvine: “You know there is!”

(he goes with her into one of the back areas. reno sighs and shakes his head)

Reno: “…This is weird.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, rufus is walking with sunshine down the hall.)

Rufus: “I have so much stuff, I just don’t know what to do with it all! It’s so hard!”

Sunshine: “I’m sure there are many people in the world who wish they had your problems, Rufus.”

Rufus: “No they don’t. Do you know how hard it is to get a grape juice stain out of your favorite teddy bear?”

Sunshine: *blink blink*

Rufus: “Uh…not that I do.”

(seifer and zell run up)

Zell: “Hey there, Rufus ol’ buddy ol’ pal! Whatcha up to?”

Seifer: “Hey, Rufus! Need any favors? I could watch Mr. Kringle for you!”

Rufus: *frown* “It’s Mr. Jingles.”

Seifer: “Right!” *sweat drop* “I knew that!”

Zell: “Rufus, Franswa really appreciates you investing in his restaurant and all, and I just wanna say thank you so much! You’re the bestest and kindest guy in the world!”

Seifer: “I will kiss your feet right now if you want!”

Rufus: “…Okay, who told you I was fixing my will?”

Both: “……………”

Zell: “…Reno.”

Seifer: “Oh, you rat him right out, chicken wuss! Now we won’t get anything!”

Zell: “Sorry that I’m *honest*, Seifer! Most people like a person like that and leave them stuff in their will!”

Rufus: “You’re both delusional. Now if you’ll excuse me, this meeting with my lawyer is costing me ten dollars a second.”

Sunshine: “No it’s not.”

Rufus: *whispers* “Shush! It could be!”

(they walk away. zell and seifer frown)

Seifer: “Well that didn’t go how I planned it!”

Zell: “You screwed me, Seifer! Mr. Kringle?!”

Seifer: “That name sounds familiar!”

Zell: “That’s because it’s kinda another name for Santa Claus!”

Seifer: “I knew it was something related to Christmas!”

Zell: “Too bad your brain isn’t related to your head!”

Seifer: “Too bad your brain is missing!”

Zell: “Your brain is missing!”

Seifer: “No yours is!”

Zell: “Yours is!”

Seifer: “Yours is!”

(they both look over to see squall, who has been standing there for a few minutes)

Zell: “Hey, Squall!”

Seifer: “Squall, tell Zell his brain is missing.”

Squall: “…Both your brains are missing.” *walks away*

Seifer and Zell: *look at each other* “Told ya!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in loser land, seymour is watching kuja place some products in a fancy looking box)

Seymour: “So how is this going to work?”

Kuja: “Simple. If you were wearing a hideous mask that even a robber shouldn’t wear if he was robbing a Wal-mart, why would you take it off?”

Seymour: “I would never wear anything like that.”

Kuja: “Sure you wouldn’t, but anyway, the answer is for fabulous face and hair products!” *holds up box* “This is top of the line stuff. Irresistible to anyone.”

Seymour: “How’d you pay for that?”

Kuja: “Hojo’s credit card.”

Seymour: “You are pretty clever.”

Kuja: *flips hair back* “I know. So we’ll go the ramble room, knock on the door to his room, and then spy in his window when he goes to use the products!”

Seymour: “What if his blinds are shut?”

Kuja: *tilts head* “I thought my plan was clever.”

Seymour: “But—“

Kuja: “Then stop ruining it! Let’s go!”

(they walk over to shadow’s room, put down the box and knock on the door. they then quickly run around the outside of the ramble room to his windows, which thankfully do not have the blinds shut. they get there just in time to see shadow carrying the basket inside)

Kuja: “Now watch and be amazed!”

(they watch as shadow puts the box down. he looks at it a long moment. then he picks up a baseball bat and smashes it. kuja gasps like he just hit a puppy or something. the bottles are now smashed and broken and there is product all over the walls and shadow )

Shadow: “Nope. Not a ninja spy.” *sniffs air* “Now it smells like vanilla.”

Kuja: *shocked* “That was five hundred dollars worth of product! He murdered it!”

Seymour: “He really doesn’t strike me as the type of guy to use body glitter.”

Kuja: *wipes a tear from his eye* “That was just so shocking. What a tragic loss for the world of beauty products.”

Seymour: “Well so much for that idea. Why don’t you just take my word for it and let me brush your hair?”

Kuja: “No. I have to think of another plan.” *gets up* “And I don’t want your germs on my brush anyway.”

Seymour: *frowns*

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(some time later, sephiroth walks into the pool area. there tseng, reeve, zell, Seifer and squall are hanging out. zell and squall are in the pool, seifer is standing at the edge of the deep end, and reeve and tseng are sitting on the steps. sephiroth is muttering unhappily to himself)

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Stupid Dante. Probably bribed everybody because he’s stupid.”

Zell: “Hey, ‘Roth! Coming for a dip in the pool?”

Seifer: “Cannonball!” *jumps in splashing zell*

Zell: “You dumbass! You almost jumped on me!”

Seifer: “Guess you’re so fat I thought you were a pool float!”

Zell: “You’re fat! That’s why you would have killed me if you hit me!”

Squall: “Whatever. Both of you shut up.”

Reeve: “You look cheerful as always, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “I didn’t come to hang out with you losers for fun. I came to ask you all a very important question.”

Everyone: *listens attentively*

Sephiroth: “If you had to sleep with either me or Dante, who would you pick?”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Tseng: “*This* is your important question?”

Sephiroth: “It’s very important! Shut up, Tseng!”

Tseng: “I’m guessing Dante probably made a comment to you…”

Sephiroth: “He has a big mouth. Thinks he’s so cool! He doesn’t know what he’s talking about! So everybody answer the question!”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Sephiroth: “Pretend like we were the last two people on the planet. And remember, he probably has diseases.”

Squall: “Whatever…you, I guess.”

Sephiroth: “Thank you!” *celebrates*

Squall: “But only because you look more like a girl.”

Sephiroth: *stops celebrating and frowns* “You deserve death.”

Seifer: “I’d pick Dante.”

Sephiroth: “That’s because you’re gay.”

Seifer: “Hey! That was a gay question!”

Zell: “I’d pick Dante too. He seems more like he’d cuddle with you afterwards. You’re kinda rough, ‘Roth!”

Sephiroth: “At least I don’t have any gonorrhea to spread!”

Reeve: “Sorry, Sephiroth. I don’t think I’d pick you either.”

Sephiroth: “Your opinion doesn’t matter anyway. I know Tseng will say me!”

Tseng: “Well…”

Sephiroth: “Well? Well?! Don’t tell me you’d pick Dante, Tseng! We’ve already had sex! You already know how good I am!”

Tseng: “You’re good, yeah. But Dante…” *shakes head* “Nope. Sorry. I’m going with Dante.”

Sephiroth: “Explain yourself, traitor!”

Tseng: “It should be pretty obvious…you can tell he’s great just by the way he moves around that stripper pole.”

Sephiroth: “You mean the pole of diseases!”

Reeve: “Would you stop yelling about diseases?”

Sephiroth: “Fine! I don’t even care! Now who wants to play on my touch football team and beat the crap outta Dante?”

Everyone: “……”

Sephiroth: “Don’t all volunteer at once!”

Zell: “Sorry, ‘Roth! Normally I’d love to, but I gotta take Mr. Jingles to the teddy bear social!”

Seifer: “I don’t wanna hurt anyone.”

Squall: “More like you don’t wanna get hurt.”

Seifer: “Shut up, Squall!”

Reeve: “I—“

Sephiroth: “I don’t want you, anyway, Reeve. If I want someone who’s out of breath in ten steps I’ll go talk to Heidegger.”

Reeve: “Hey!”

Sephiroth: “Tseng, I knew I could count on you!”

Tseng: “Well…”

Sephiroth: “You’re way better than the rest of these jerks!”

Tseng: *sigh* “Fine. I’ll play.”

Sephiroth: “Good. Well I’m off to assemble the rest of my dream team!”

(he leaves. squall, zell and seifer go back to swimming. reeve turns and looks at tseng)

Tseng: “Why does he always feel the need to compete with Dante?”

Reeve: “I guess he’s just so insecure he keeps having to prove he’s better.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, sunshine and rufus are talking on the porch swing. rude comes over.)

Rude: “Hey, Rufus.”

Rufus: *sigh* “What is it, Rude? I told you I’m not giving you my cans so you can take them back for the deposit.”

Rude: “No…I was wondering if I could do anything for you.”

Rufus: *blink blink*

Rude: *tries to smile*

Rufus: “You heard about my will, didn’t you. Damn Reno.”

Rude: “No…”

Rufus: “Don’t lie to me, Rude! I have access to a lie detector and I’m not afraid to use it!”

Rude: “…Just leave me a hundred bucks.”

Rufus: “No! I can’t believe everyone thinks they can just suddenly be nice to me and expect me to leave them something in my will!”

Rude: *sighs and goes to walk away*

Rufus: “I didn’t say you could leave!”

Rude: *turns back hopefully*

Rufus: *tosses him car keys* “Bowser owes me money. Go get it.”

Rude: “But—“

Rufus: “You asked me if you could do anything for me! You can’t take it back!”

Rude: *frowns and goes off muttering bad things about rufus*

Rufus: “Geez! Can you believe these vultures!? They think I have enough money to just give them all a slice of the Rufus Shinra empire?! I worked hard for all of that! And they think they can just suck up to me and be all like, ‘Oh, Rufus! You’re so smart and handsome! You’re the nicest person ever!’ And I’ll be like, ‘Yeah! Here’s a million dollars!’ Really now!” *pause* “Now where were we?”

Sunshine: “I don’t even remember.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(that night the bar is hopping. irvine’s brothers are tending bar and everybody’s having a good time. irvine and reno are standing around with trini, who is downing a shot in one gulp. reno watches this in shock and irvine is grinning. she then places the empty shot glass down triumphantly)

Trini: “There! I did it! I swallowed the Uncle Shenanigans special in one gulp. I told you I could do it!”

Irvine: “I haven’t seen anyone but me n’ Reno do it yet! There are five kinds of booze in there! And they don’t mix well!”

Trini: “No sweat! It does taste like ass though. I bet you can mix something better.”

Irvine: “You bet I can!”

(he runs behind the bar to get her another drink. trini smiles at reno and leans back on the bar)

Trini: “I like him! I definitely see how you two get along!”

Reno: “You sure you want another drink? You’ve already had a couple…”

Trini: “Are you kidding me? It’s not even midnight yet! The night is still young, brother! Since when are you such a pussy? You co-own this bar! And Irvine was tellin’ me all about the Church of Reno!”

Reno: “It’s really more like a club…”

Trini: “What? Can’t stand to see your little sister drink?”

(but before reno can answer irvine comes back over with a drink)

Irvine: “Here ya go! The Irvine special!”

Trini: *takes it and sips* “Hmm…not bad, cowboy! How ‘bout a spin out on the dance floor?”

Irvine: “Hells yeah!”

(trini heads out to the floor. irvine turns back to reno for a second)

Irvine: “Dude, your sister is awesome!”

Reno: *forced smile* “Yeah. She is.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, sephiroth has gathered yuffie, tifa, rinoa, selphie, quistis, elena and lulu together)

Sephiroth: “Okay, I have a very important question for all of you.”

Selphie: “Are we gonna plan a surprise party or something?”

Sephiroth: “…No.”

Yuffie: “A surprise party would be neat!”

Selphie: “Totally neat! I could make a cake!”

Rinoa: “I could get decorations!”

Quistis: “I could steal the gifts…”

Sephiroth: “We’re not planning a surprise party! What is wrong with you girls?!”

Tifa: “Could you get to the point, please? I have an infant I need to feed.”

Elena: “How’s Duke doing?”

Tifa: “He’s doing great actually. I really can’t complain. He’s a very quiet baby.”

Elena: “That’s great!”

Rinoa: “Do you have any pictures?”

Tifa: “Sure! I—“

Sephiroth: “Okay! We are not here to talk about stupid girl things, okay? We are here to talk about me!”

Lulu: “And what exactly is this important question?”

Sephiroth: *clears throat* “If you had to sleep with me or Dante, who would you pick?”

Girls: *blank stare*

Elena: “*This* is your important question?”

Sephiroth: “It’s very important! Now everybody just say me and get it over with!”

Lulu: *gets up* “Talk about a waste of time.” *leaves*

Sephiroth: “She’s a waste of time. Okay! I need an answer here!”

Girl: *think a minute* “…Dante.”

Sephiroth: “WHAT?!”

Selphie: “He’s so cute!”

Rinoa: “And he looks totally hot all the time.”

Tifa: “I just don’t like you.”

Elena: “I don’t like long hair on guys. Well, except on Tseng.”

Yuffie: “You won’t give me any materia.”

Quistis: “Dante’s the obvious choice.”

Sephiroth: “Well WhatEVER! What do you girls know anyway? I could build a tower to the moon with everything you don’t know!”

(he stalks out. the girls look at each other)

Selphie: “What a meanie.”

Rinoa: “So anyway, do you have pictures of the baby?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, it’s quite late when rude finally arrives at bowser’s estate. it’s pouring rain. he pulls up to the front and gets out of the car, muttering to himself)

Rude: *mutters* “Stupid Rufus…never should have been nice…rot in hell…stupid money.”

(he rings the doorbell and the door is opened by a red turtle with wings)

Turtle: “Can I help you?”

Rude: “I’m looking for Bowser. Rufus Shinra sent me.”

Turtle: “Oh. Come in.”

(he lets rude inside. the inside of the house is huge and decorated everywhere with various portraits, mostly of bowser)

Turtle: “I’ll get him for you.”

(the turtle leaves. and rude stands there alone, just dripping wet and looking around. suddenly he hears something.)

Voice: “…Psst!”

Rude: *blink blink*

Voice: *whispers* “Yo! Bald dude! Over here!”

(rude looks over and sees izzy koopa beckoning at him from an adjoining room. he goes over)

Rude: “What?”

Izzy: *quietly* “You wanna buy some weed?”

Rude: *peers at him over his sunglasses* “No.”

Izzy: “C’mon, man! Sure you do!”

Rude: “I don’t do that stuff.”

Izzy: “Sure! Sure you don’t. But you could sell it. Get big money for it too. I’ve got tons of it. I’ll give it to you for practically nothing!”

Rude: “Why?”

Izzy: “…Because. My dad’s onto me. And he said if he caught me with the sh*t again, he’d send me to military school! So come on, dude! Help a bro out! Think of all the money you could make selling it!”

Rude: *thinks a minute* “Selling it, huh? Big money?” *small smile* “All right. You got yourself a deal.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day, lloyd is at work with his back to delita, shoving food in his face while delita helps a customer. when he’s done he turns around and frowns at lloyd)

Delita: “Vergil!”

Lloyd: *mouth full of food* “Mnmnmmm mmnmmph!”

Delita: “You’re eating the food again!”

(lloyd quickly swallows and turns around, but there’s something off…)

Lloyd: “No I’m not!”

Delita: *eyes get wide* “What did you eat?”

Lloyd: “Nothing! God! Stop being an asshole!”

Delita: “You allergic to anything?”

Lloyd: “Pumpkin. Why?”

Delita: “Maybe you better take a look in the mirror, Mr. I just totally ate a pumpkin muffin.”

(lloyd quickly runs over to a mirror and sees his face is totally swollen)

Lloyd: *screams*

Delita: “You’re fired, Lloyd.”

Lloyd: “Vergil!” *gasps* “I…can’t…breathe!” *falls to the floor*

Delita: *sigh* “Guess I should call 911.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, kuja and seymour are back in the ramble room, walking over to shadow’s room)

Seymour: “You said you’d help me pick out winter boots!”

Kuja: “Oh, I will. Because the ones you picked out aren’t fit for the abominable snow monster. But right now we have more important matters than what will cover your hideous feet. And that is finally seeing Shadow’s face.”

Seymour: “So what’s your plan this time?”

Kuja: “It doesn’t involve any expensive beauty products, that’s for sure.” *shudders* “Last night I had nightmares about it.”

Seymour: “So what are we doing then?”

Kuja: “We are going to knock on his door, and while I distract him, you sneak inside his room. Then I’ll tell him some stupid thing that will make him leave for a little while. Then we’ll both go in the room and hide in the closet. He’ll come back and eventually he’ll have to take his mask off.”

Seymour: “We could be in there for hours!”

Kuja: “I haven’t heard any brilliant plans from you. Why do I have to be the beauty and the brains?”

(they get to the door and kuja knocks. he then pushes seymour against the wall)

Seymour: “Kinky.”

Kuja: “Ew, stop it. Now sneak inside when he answers the door.”

(a second later the door opens. shadow looks at kuja who twirls his hair around his finger trying to be sexy. seymour quickly sneaks by him and into the room)

Kuja: “Hey there. There’s free ninja stuff on the front porch.”

Shadow: “…I’ll be the judge of that!”

(he runs off. kuja shrugs and goes into the room)

Kuja: “That was easier than I thought.”

Seymour: *is cornered by a happy interceptor* “Help me!”

Kuja: “Just pet it.”

Seymour: *tentatively pats his head* “Nice doggy.”

Kuja: “Now let’s get in the closet. He could be back at any moment. It won’t be too hard to see there’s no ninja stuff on the porch.”

Seymour: “Ninja stuff? That was the best you could come up with?”

Kuja: “Again – no ideas from you.”

(they get into the closet which is full of all the same outfit. the space in there is very tight and they barely fit. it’s one of those closets with the accordion style doors with the thin slits in it.)

Seymour: “Talk about a tight squeeze…”

Kuja: “Seriously. You should really be on some kind of diet.”

Seymour: “I am not fat!”

Kuja: *snort* “Keep telling yourself that, honey.”

Seymour: “Well he better be back soon.”

Kuja: “Tell me about it. Every breath of your perfume makes my lungs want to collapse.”

Seymour: “This is expensive stuff!”

Kuja: *snort* “Sure it is.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile at the therapy center, the rpg main character group is gathered. but today there is a new person, jack. he is sitting in his chair and sobbing. both yuri and koudelka are sitting there looking bored)

Jack: *sobbing* “So then she left! And she moved in with our sworn enemy! And our landlord kicked us out! And I don’t think Hanpan’s hair is ever gonna grow back! And nobody understands how hard it is trying to juggle your mouse best friend and your robot best friend! Especially when one’s trying to touch the other and the other is trying to kill him!” *sobs hysterically*

Koudelka: “Yeah…Jack…you only paid for one person, so you really have to leave. Especially since you’re not really a main character and you’re really throwing off the group dynamic.”

Jack: *sobs more*

Serge: “The satanic straw demon died! That’s one less thing to keep me up at night.”

Koudelka: “Good! That’s progress. …I guess.”

(the door opens and cid pops his head in)

Cid: “Koudelka! Where the #$%^ are the crayons?”

Koudelka: *sigh* “Cid. I’m in the middle of something.”

Cid: “But I can’t #$%^@#$ find them!”

Koudelka: “Yuri, go help him.”

Yuri: “But this is my group!”

Koudelka: “Go!”

(yuri mutters unhappily, but he gets up and leaves with cid)

Squall: “I’m fine now. Can I leave?”

Cloud: “Me too. I really can’t relate to the rest of these guys.”

Rudy: “I made a ball of his hair! Look!” *holds up ball of blue hair*

Serge: “Now if only I could burn the skeleton…”

Koudelka: “Look, we’re all suffering here. But don’t you guys wanna help your fellow group mates?”

Rudy: *pets the ball* “Almost like the real thing…”

Serge: “…Down to ashes…”

Cloud, Squall and Koudelka: “………………”

Squall: “…No. They’re creepy.”

Koudelka: “Well you already paid and there are no refunds. So suck it up.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later, reno is in the ramble room sitting down and looking kinda unhappy when trini comes in with irvine happily)

Trini: “Hey, Reno! There you are! I had alotta fun at the bar last night!”

Reno: “…I could tell.”

Trini: “Irvine n’ me were definitely the hottest couple on the dance floor!”

Reno: “Where’d you go last night after the bar? You two disappeared on me.” *glares at irvine*

Irvine: *backs up a step* “Please don’t kill me.”

Reno: “I knew it!”

Trini: “What? What’s goin’ on?”

Reno: “You slept with him??”

Trini: “Of course I did!”

Reno: “Of course you did?! What’s that supposed to mean?”

Trini: “Um, I’ve had sex before, Reno. Plenty of times.”

Irvine: “And she started it! I swear!”

Reno: “You slept with my little sister!”

Trini: “So what? I’ve slept with lots of guys! You gonna beat ‘em all up?”

Reno: *hands in the air* “I don’t believe this! You’re a slut?!”

Trini: “Hey! From what I understand you’ve been with a lot of women yourself!”

Reno: “Yeah, but I’m a guy!”

Trini: “So what? If I’m a slut than you’re a manwhore!”

Irvine: “I get called that a lot.”

Reno: “Trini, what happened to you after you left the orphanage?”

Trini: “I started having fun! That’s what happened! Gotta have fun sometime! God knows we rarely had any when we were kids!”

Reno: “…………” *looks away*

Trini: “I’ve been dying to take a dip in that pool. You guys wanna join me?”

Irvine: “I’m right behind ya.”

Reno: *softly* “Yeah. Sure.”

(trini runs off. irvine goes over to reno)

Irvine: “Dude, I knew you’d be pissed at me, but if anything your sister was the pushy one.”

Reno: “…It’s okay. I’m not mad at you.”

Irvine: “You’re not?”

Reno: “…No.”

Irvine: “You okay, man? You seem kinda off today.”

Reno: “Nah, I’m cool. Let’s go in the pool.”

(irvine doesn’t really seem to buy it, but he and reno both leave the room.)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, rufus and algus are walking down the hallway and talking)

Rufus: “I can’t believe it, Algus! They find out I’m rewriting my will, and suddenly everyone wants to be my best friend! Can you believe what people will do for money?”

Algus: “It’s outrageous.”

Rufus: “That was a good story about the penny you found in that nest of poisonous snakes.”

Algus: “The doctor said Zidane’s wounds will heal.”

(they turn a corner and nearly bump right into zidane, who is covered in bandages)

Zidane: “Hey, Rufus! Wow! Your hair looks great today!”

Rufus: *frowns* “You’re not getting into my will, Zidane.”

Zidane: “Aw, c’mon! Algus won’t put me in his will!”

Algus: “I’m thinking about having all my possessions buried with me like an Egyptian pharaoh.”

Rufus: “Well you’re not getting a slice of the Rufus Shinra empire! I’d sooner leave money to Rude! Which means I’d rather leave money to a random goat!”

Zidane: “Remember when I had Algus’ money? I was your friend then!”

Rufus: “And you did a good job of nearly wasting Algus’ money. So why would I want to give you any of mine?”

Zidane: “Is that gonna haunt me forever?”

Algus: “Slave, you told me the doctor said you had to rest.”

Zidane: “You had me breaking in your new jump rope!”

Algus: “That needed to get done.”

Zidane: “That’s not resting! I passed out on the floor and you used me for a footrest!”

Algus: “You were positioned at the perfect angle to the television.”

Zidane: “I’ve never even seen you *use* a jump rope!”

Algus: “It was mostly for you to use for my amusement.”

Zidane: “You—“ *blink blink* “…I still don’t feel good.” *passes out*

Rufus and Algus: *stare down at him*

Algus: “Well I can’t watch TV in the hallway. You’ll have to pass out somewhere else.” *pokes him with his foot* “Zidane. Zidane. Zidane!”

Rufus: “I think he’s unconscious.”

Algus: “Damnation. Who’s going to make my tea?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, over at the condo, dante and alucard are talking)

Alucard: “So are you really going to play Sephiroth in touch football tomorrow?”

Dante: “You mean kick his ass. And I sure as hell am! I figured how many friends could *he* possibly get together? So I only called three people. I’d ask you to play, but I figured you’d rather stand on the sidelines and laugh your ass off.”

Alucard: “I’ve never really been one for sports.”

Dante: “Sports outside the bedroom anyway.” *phone rings* “This better not be Lloyd calling collect again because I will hang up on his stupid ass.” *picks up* “You’ve got Dante. …………Oh yeah? …………Is he dead?  ………………That probably wouldn’t have happened but thanks anyway.” *hangs up* “Well, that was Delita. Lloyd’s in the hospital.”

Alucard: “Did he punch his hand through a wall again?”

Dante: “No. Apparently he ate a pumpkin flavored muffin and had an allergic reaction. Dumbass. He can get himself home for all I care. They said he probably has to stay for a day or two. Not like he’ll be missing work because he also got fired.”

Alucard: “Ouch.”

Dante: “You would be surprised how many times he’s been fired and wound up in the hospital on the same day. But I’m not gonna concern myself with Lloyd’s mess. I’m just glad I got all the good genes.”

Alucard: “For identical twins you’re not very identical.”

Dante: “And every day I thank God for that.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(sephiroth, meanwhile, is in the middle of harassing both cloud and zack. auron is standing a few feet away watching him.)

Sephiroth: “How can you say Dante!? You barely even know him!”

Cloud: “True. But I know enough about you that I know I wouldn’t pick you.”

Zack: “…Yeah. Same here.”

Sephiroth: “What?! What is wrong with me?! Did Dante pay you to say him?! He paid you, didn’t he! I’ll double it!”

Zack: “We have somewhere to be…”

(he and cloud start to walk away)

Sephiroth: “Hey! Get back here! You can’t walk away from me! I should be walking away from you!”

(cloud and zack leave. auron stands there with a bit of a smile)

Auron: “So. You’re going around harassing people about if they’d rather sleep with Dante or you?”

Sephiroth: “So what if I am?”

Auron: “How come you haven’t asked me yet?”

Sephiroth: “That should be pretty obvious.” *goes to walk by him*

Auron: “No one wants to feed your ego, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: *turns around and snaps* “And Vincent broke up with you because he was still in love with me. Guess that makes me better than you. So much for your ego.” *leaves*

Auron: “Not everyone’s as petty as you are, Sephiroth.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back across the street at the condos, liquid snake comes out of his front door and looks around with a frown)

Liquid Snake: “Where’s my newspaper?”

(still frowning, he goes back inside. snake’s head pops out of the bushes)

Snake: “Otakon! I have his newspaper! Repeat! I have his newspaper!”

Voice: “Snake, I don’t care! Leave me alone!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, kuja and seymour are still trapped in the closet together, whispering)

Seymour: “I thought he was going to come right back when he didn’t see any ninja stuff on the porch!”

Kuja: “Well I assumed he would!”

Seymour: “Well he’s crazy! We’ve been in here for hours! Who knows where the hell he went!”

Interceptor: *can be heard crying right outside the closet*

Seymour: “And the damn dog wants us to pet it!”

Kuja: “I’m the one suffering the most here! I think I collapsed a lung from whatever you used to condition your hair!”

Seymour: “Are you kidding me?! I fixed my hair to a style *you* recommended!”

Kuja: “True, but I did not recommend whatever you embalmed it in.”

(they look at each other. then seymour grabs kuja’s chin and pulls his face forward to kiss him. they start kissing…)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(reno, irvine and trini are still hanging out in the pool area when rude enters. and he is grinning ear to ear.)

Reno: “Rude? What’s wrong with you? You look happy! Did Rufus put you in his will after all?”

Rude: “No. Almost as good. Look what I’m selling now.” *holds up a bag of pot*

Reno: “Dude! You’re a dealer? Where’d you get that sh*t from?”

Rude: “Long story. If you want some, pay up.”

Trini: “Oh, this is your friend Rude? Hi, Rude! I’m Trini, Reno’s sister!”

Rude: *blink blink* “Sister?”

Trini: “I’ll buy some off you! Let me just get my wallet!”

(she goes to get out of the pool, but reno grabs her wrist and keeps her from going)

Reno: “No, Trini.”

Trini: *tries to free herself* “Hey, what gives? I’m gonna share!”

Reno: “I don’t want you smoking pot.”

Trini: “Too late for that.”

Irvine: “Dude, you do it all the time.”

Trini: “You’re being a hypocrite, Reno! Let go of me! You don’t want me drinking, you don’t like that I have sex, and now I can’t smoke pot?! What the hell?! I’ve been doing this stuff for years! You can’t stop me now!”

Rude: “Sister, huh?” *looks at reno* “She’s just like you.”

Reno: “Exactly!!”

(there’s dead silence. trini glares at him and yanks her wrist away)

Trini: “I came here because I wanted my brother back. I thought we’d have fun together. Not because I wanted a father.” *she grabs her clothes and runs out looking upset*

Irvine: “Trini, wait!”

(he gets out of the pool and runs after her. reno sighs sadly)

Reno: “…What’s wrong with me, Rude? I haven’t seen my sister in years. And now I can’t stop yelling at her for all the same stuff I do. What the hell is my problem?”

Rude: “Guess all that stuff looks different on your sister.”

Reno: “I just… I just never expected her to turn out just like me.”

Rude: “Most people believe you’re a product of your environment.”

Reno: “…Yeah. I guess in our case it’s really f**king true.”

Rude: “You’ve got no desire to change, right?”

Reno: “Hell no. I’m who I am for a reason!”

Rude: “And you think she’s different?”

(reno thinks about it for a minute. then he smiles and shakes his head)

Reno: “Dammit, Rude. Why you gotta be so damn smart all the time?”

Rude: “Someone’s gotta make up for you.”

Reno: “Haha, really funny, man.” *sigh* “I guess I better go talk to my sister.”

Rude: “You better buy some pot from me later, man.”

Reno: “Hang on, dude! You know I’m good for it!”

Rude: “Your sister’s hot by the way.”

Reno: “Man, a brother never wants to hear that stuff!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, kuja and seymour are making out like crazy in the closet when they finally hear the sound of the door opening. interceptor lets out a happy bark. kuja pushes seymour away looking disgusted)

Kuja: “Ugh! I can’t believe I just did that! What, did Hojo make some kind of love potion for you? God knows you need it.”

Seymour: “*ExCUSE me? Nobody forced you to make out with me.”

Kuja: “There’s not enough lip gloss in the world to save my lips now.”

(they can hear shadow enter the room. they both peer out the slits in the closet and can barely see anything)

Shadow: *petting interceptor* “Who’s daddy’s loving puppy? Huh? I bet daddy’s loving puppy wants a treat! Yes he does!”

(he goes to get a box of dog treats. kuja frowns.)

Kuja: “That’s it. I can’t take much more of this.” *grabs the edge of the closet door*

Seymour: “What are you doing?!”

(seymour just stands in horror as kuja opens the closet door, stomps over to shadow and yanks the mask right off his head. shadow looks shocked. kuja nods a few times)

Kuja: “Yeah. He is pretty hot.”

Shadow: “…Were you in my closet this whole time?”

Kuja: “Yeah.”

Shadow: *chin trembles* “I’m the worst ninja ever!” *sobs*

Kuja: “You also dress badly.”

Seymour: *comes over to him* “I think you’ve already hurt him enough.”

Kuja: *shrugs* “He deserves to know.”

(they leave a sobbing shadow behind and go back into the hallway)

Seymour: “So, are you satisfied now?”

Kuja: “After seeing his face? Yes. He is pretty hot. After a make-out session with you? Hardly. And what is your problem, anyway. I know I’m irresistible but it’s not like you’re in love with me or anything.”

(he starts to walk away. seymour stands there for a moment watching him)

Seymour: “…Yeah. Of course not.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and later lark is reading a book in the ramble room, feet up on the couch. sephiroth comes in, smiling sweetly.)

Sephiroth: “Lovely, lovely, Lark. You look extra lovely today!”

Lark: *doesn’t even look up* “What do you want, Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth: *sits at her feet* “I just have a very important question for you.”

Lark: *sighs* “The same ‘very important’ question you’ve been asking *everyone* in the ramble room for the past two days?”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “How’d you know?”

Lark: “It’s the ramble room. Everybody knows about everything. Like the thing with Rufus redoing his will.”

Sephiroth: “Rufus is redoing his will?”

Lark: “You were probably too busy asking your ‘very important question’ to find out.”

Sephiroth: “Fine. Since you know about it already, answer it.”

Lark: “Fine. I pick Dante.”

Sephiroth: “WHAT?! Okay, now I *know* he paid you off!”

Lark: “Nobody paid me off.”

Sephiroth: “You’re being spiteful then!! You’re spiting me. Spiter!!”

Lark: “I’m not being spiteful.”

Sephiroth: “Yes you are! How could you do this to me?! Dante did this on purpose! I bet everybody’s in on his little joke! Well that’s fine! Because I’m gonna kick his ass in touch football tomorrow!” *pause* “By the way, I still need another person for my team.”

Lark: “I don’t think so.”

Sephiroth *stalking out* “Spiter!”

Lark: *calls after him* “That’s not even a word!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, zack and cloud are at the hospital. they’re standing outside a room. zack’s grabbing the chart)

Zack: “Let me just check on this patient and we can go.”

Cloud: “Sure.”

Zack: *looks at chart* “Vergil Sparda…why does that sound familiar?”

Cloud: “I think he’s the identical twin brother of that guy Dante.”

Zack: “Oh. Okay. Well it looks like he ate something he was allergic to.” *shakes head* “I don’t know why people do that. All right, let’s take a look.”

(they go inside. lloyd is on the bed, heavily medicated and pretty out of it. at least he looks normal again.)

Zack: “Hi, Vergil. I’m doctor Zack. You feeling okay?”

Vergil: *nods*

Zack: “Okay, good. Well you’ll probably be okay to go home tomorrow. Just rest up.”

(he joins cloud in the doorway)

Zack: “You sure they’re twin brothers?”

Cloud: “That’s what I heard.”

Lloyd: *twitch*

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and rufus returns back to his room, a piece of paper in hand)

Rufus: “My will’s done! Sunshine and I just finished it up!”

Elena: “Oh good!”

Rufus: “And even though pretty much everybody in the ramble room was begging for a piece, the only ones I left anything to were you, Max, the new baby, Lily, Reeve and Tseng. So they all begged for nothing! And I even made Rude drive a hundred miles to fetch ten bucks from some guy in the rain! Shows you that sucking up gets you nowhere!”

Elena: “What about Mr. Jingles?”

Rufus: “What?”

Elena: “Did he get left anything?”

Rufus: “Well, no. But I did have it in there that he was to be well cared for! I don’t want him to end up like the Velveteen Rabbit!”

Elena: *blink blink* “He turned into a real rabbit.”

Rufus: “…He did?”

Elena: “Yes. I read that story to Lily all the time.”

Rufus: “He did? I thought he got burned!”

Elena: “No.”

Rufus: “Oh.” *pause* “Well I guess…I want him to end up like the Velveteen Rabbit then.”

Elena: “Don’t worry about it, Rufus. I’m sure you’ll be around to take care of Mr. Jingles for a long time to come.”

Rufus: “I better be. Because otherwise I don’t know what I’m paying all those doctors for!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, reno is heading towards the front porch when sunshine comes towards him smiling)

Sunshine: “Hey.”

Reno: “Oh, hey there gorgeous.”

Sunshine: “We still on for tomorrow night?”

Reno: “You bet. Don’t stand me up now.”

Sunshine: “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

(she walks by him. he stands there smiling and watches her go. then he shakes his head to clear it)

Reno: “Don’t get distracted, Reno.”

(he continues to the front porch. trini stands there smoking. reno comes over, reaching into his pocket)

Trini: “What? You gonna lecture me about the dangers of smoking now or something? Save it.”

Reno: *pulls out a cigarette* “Gotta light?”

Trini: *smirks* “Yeah, I do.”

(she pulls out a lighter and lights his cigarette for him. they both stand there smoking for a minute. (smoking is bad, people!) then reno turns to her)

Reno: “Sorry.”

Trini: “It’s okay. I guess you weren’t expecting me to be like…me.”

Reno: “Guess not. Looking at you made me realize what I must look like.”

Trini: “Do I look that bad?”

Reno: “No…but you’re my little sister. The last time I saw you you were five. It’s just…weird.”

Trini: “I get ya. I guess I’d feel weird too.”

Reno: “I won’t hassle ya anymore. You’re a big girl. You can make your own decisions. And hell, if we go be ourselves and do what we love, we didn’t really waste our lives did we?”

Trini: “Hell no!”

(they smoke in silence for a moment)

Reno: “…So you like, Irvine, huh?”

Trini: “Yeah…I do. He’s cool.”

Reno: “You be careful with him. He’s trouble.”

Trini: *laughs* “Oh, c’mon, Reno! We’re *all* trouble!”

Reno: *grins* “Yeah…I guess we are.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later that evening, vincent hears a knock on his door. he opens it and sephiroth is standing there looking downcast)

Sephiroth: “Please tell me if you had to have sex with me or Dante you’d pick me.”

Vincent: “Of course, angel.”

Sephiroth: *fists in the air* “Yeah! I knew it! In your face, Dante!”

Vincent: “Was that the reason for your visit?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah. Oh! And will you play on my touch football team tomorrow?”

Vincent: “Well, the claw might get in the way…”

Sephiroth: “All the better! You can whack people in the face with it!”

Vincent: *smiles* “All right, angel. I will be on your team.”

Sephiroth: “Great! Dante’s going down tomorrow! Night, Vincent!”

(he happily heads back down the hallway. vincent leans against the door way and smiles)

Vincent: “Good night, my angel.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day is overcast and not very sunny. liquid snake comes outside and sees his paper lying on his walkway. he goes to get it, but suddenly a bush comes out of nowhere and flashes by, grabbing the paper. with a frown, liquid snake turns and looks at the bush, which is now back in it’s place)

Liquid Snake: “That bush just stole my paper! It stole my paper! How could a bush steal a paper?! You know I’d be in my right mind to—“

(suddenly he cuts off. his eyes widen and he grabs his chest, falls to the floor and doesn’t move. just then solid snake jumps out of the bushes, knife in hand)

Solid Snake: “Your time is up, clone!” *blink blink* “Clone?” *pokes him with his foot* “Clone?” *gets down and feels his pulse* “Oh. He’s already dead.” *clicks a button on his uniform* “Otakon! He’s already dead! Someone must have gotten to him first!” *shifty eyes* “I could be next.”

Voice: “Good! I’m trying to sleep!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later in the day, mostly everyone is gathered around to watch the touch football game. dante and his team, consisting of gippal, chris and maxi are tossing around a football. sephiroth and his team, consisting of twilight, tseng and vincent, are having a talk. rufus and algus have claimed the porch swing and are talking)

Algus: “So he was *dead*?”

Rufus: “Yup. I went over there to collect the rent and he was dead. Convenient, don’t you think? Now I have to look for another tenant again!”

Algus: “Don’t worry, Rufus. I’m sure you’ll find someone.”

(meanwhile, shell is looking at rude in shock. because he is counting money)

Shell: “Rude, what are you doing?”

Rude: “Counting money, Shell.”

Shell: “I can see that. But where did you get all that money? And why aren’t you spending it all on me right now?”

Rude: “Which question do you want me to answer?”

Shell: “…The latter.”

(dante walks over to sephiroth)

Dante: “You ready to go?”

Sephiroth: “You mean am I ready to kick your ass? Sure. Let’s get your humiliation over with.”

Dante: *snort* “Oh, somebody’s gonna be humiliated all right. But it’s not gonna be me.”

(lark is standing with alucard, brady and Ashley)

Lark: “I don’t know if this is really a good idea.”

Brady: “It would be better if it was tackle football. Watch Sephiroth’s face go right into the dirt.”

Ashley: “Football is boring.”

Alucard: “I’m not really a fan myself.”

Lark: “Some people are taking this game really seriously. Heidegger’s tailgating.” *points to where heidegger is making burgers on a portable grill*

Heidegger: “I can’t go long without food! Gya haa haa!”

(so the game begins. and right off the bat twilight is obviously cheating. he is using the force to make the members of dante’s team trip every time they have the ball. every time one of them falls both twilight and sephiroth try to suppress their laughter. after this happens four times maxi slams the ball down in the grass and glares at twilight)

Maxi: “That guy’s doing something!”

Twilight: “Kicking your ass that’s what!”

Maxi: “You’re cheating!”

Twilight: “Prove it!”

Gippal: “You’re doing…something! You keep stopping and staring and moving your hands around!”

Twilight: “That’s not against the law last time I checked.”

Chris: “Something’s fishy…”

Sephiroth: “Look, he’s not cheating! So back off!”

Dante: “He is *so* cheating. Isn’t he a Jedi or something? He’s probably using the Force.”

Tseng: “Uh, Sephiroth? Maybe we better—“

Sephiroth: “Stay outta this, Tseng! We’re not cheating! You’re just jealous because you’re losing!”

Dante: “Fine. The only way you could beat me is by cheating anyway.”

Sephiroth: “You wish!”

Dante: “I don’t gotta wish what I already know. You can’t even face me like a man in touch football, so you got your little friend cheating for you. You’re even more pathetic than I thought you were.”

(the look on sephiroth’s face is murderous. he whips out the masamune and goes for dante’s throat. but dante is fast. he pulls out his sword and backs away. so then they’re facing each other, swords drawn. lark and alucard both jump to their feet)

Sephiroth: “I should have done this a long time ago.”

Lark: “Sephiroth, no! Stop it!”

Dante: “Bring it.”

Alucard: “Dante, he’s not worth it.”

(sephiroth brings his sword up to swing it towards dante. dante does the same)

Lark: “Sephiroth, no!”

(she squeezes her eyes shut, but the next sound she hears is not the ping of two swords hitting each other. instead it sounds more like a crunch. she opens her eyes and sees vincent standing between sephiroth and dante, his claw held out in the air. the masamune is resting against the claw, which looks damaged. a piece has chipped off and fallen into the grass and it appears to be slowly leaking some kind of purple substance.)

Sephiroth: *through clenched teeth* “Get outta my way, Vincent!”

Vincent: “No. I am sick and tired of this, Sephiroth. Is this the only way you think you can solve problems? Constant violence? Hurting someone won’t make you feel better!”

(sephiroth glares at him a moment. then he tucks away his sword and just stomps away. alucard rushes over to dante and lark rushes over to vincent. meanwhile, back on the porch swing, rufus and algus lean back in their seats once more)

Rufus: “Phew! The way this week was going I thought someone was gonna die again!”

Algus: *puts his feet up on zidane’s collapsed body* “Rest assured, Rufus. I think Zidane’s the closest you’re going to get.”

Rufus: “He’s still breathing, right?”

Algus: “I hope so.”

THE END

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