#158 – The Museum of Modern Mayhem

Twilight: “Educational is just another word for boring!”

Originally Published: 2/7/06 . 57 pages

Synopsis
The gang decides to spend the day at the museum! Things start off crazy, with Hojo up to his usual tricks, Cloud constantly running off and Dante and Sephiroth at each other’s throats, but they get even zanier when they discover they’re locked in for the night!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I had this idea for a long time. I was very much inspired by the special I watched frequently as a child where Sesame Street goes to the museum and gets stuck there overnight. Hence all Cloud’s references to a big yellow bird – my little tribute. The museum in this ramble is really two in one – natural history and art, but it’s partially based on the MET in NYC. They really do have a complete Egyptian temple in there. It’s amazing. The Zell subplot started out as a joke – in cartoons you always see crazy stuff like the dinosaur bones just collapsing, so I decided to incorporate that. Reno and Irvine are basically useless till the end. There may be a little too much going on in this one. But the while thing where Lark trips after claiming she can see by candlelight really happened to me in real life during a black out.

(the ramble room is packed with people this particular day. sephiroth, lark, Ashley, seifer, shell, rude, reno, irvine, tifa, cloud, twilight, opal, tseng, zell, quistis, tseng, vincent, auron, rufus, algus, and zidane are all there when reeve comes in excitedly.)

Reeve: “Hey, everybody! Guess what?! The Museum’s special one-day-only exhibit on Ancient Egypt is opening tomorrow! And I got us all tickets!”

Reno: “…Wow, Reeve. A Museum. That sounds…boring.”

Reeve: “It’s going to be great! I got us the group discount! I’ve been planning this trip for four months!”

Sephiroth: “Wow. That’s all kinds of sad.”

Lark: “Oh, Sephy! I think it’ll be fun! We all could use a nice day at the Museum! It’s educational!”

Twilight: “Educational is just another word for boring!”

Opal: “Aw, come on, Twilight! This is the fun kind of education!”

Twilight: “That’s just a myth, Opal. And you know it!”

Zell: “Cool! They have dinosaurs at the Museum! And Dinosaurs are awesome!”

Rufus: “I think I claimed to have donated there on my last tax return… Might as well see what they’ve got in there.”

Shell: “Plus, museums always have a gift shop, Rude!”

Rude: “Yay, Shell.”

Seifer: “A museum, huh? I bet that kind of place gets crowded!”

Irvine: “Yeah. Crowded with nerds.”

Auron: “It is always good to learn new things.”

Sephiroth: “I’d like to learn what makes you go away. Is there a museum for that?”

Tifa: “Cloud! This can count for your socialization field trip for therapy!”

Cloud: “I think Zack likes kitties too!”

Tifa: *sigh* “Oh, Cloud.”

Quistis: *thoughtfully* “I bet that museum has low security at night…”

Lark: “Then it’s settled! We’re going to the museum tomorrow!”

Reeve: “Cool! We’ll have so much fun! Right, sweetie?”

Tseng: “I hope so.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in loser land…hojo comes into the room where the loser gang is watching tv as usual)

Hojo: “Ah ha! The time has finally come!”

Scarlet: “The time for what? Another scheme to take over the ramble room?”

Kuja: “More much deserved jewels for me?”

Seymour: “Expanding the bathroom?”

Nida: “Finally finding out what the licky licky monster does if it’s not licking you?”

Heidegger: “Putting a McDonalds in the backyard? Gya haa haa!”

Hojo: “No! It’s not any of those ridiculous things! I got tickets to the Museum for tomorrow!”

Seymour: “Oh. Well that sucks.”

Hojo: “They’re having a special one day only exhibit on Ancient Egypt.”

Scarlet: “Since when are you so interested in that?”

Hojo: “I’m not! But think of all the school groups that will be there!” *dreamy look in his eye*

Nida: “Ew! You sick freak!”

Hojo: “Anyway! I got us all tickets!”

Seymour: “How can you do that without asking? What if I had plans?”

Kuja: “What plans could *you* possibly have? Getting your disgustingly hairy back waxed?”

Seymour: “I do *not* have a hairy back!”

Hojo: “Now, now! There’s no need for arguments! There is fun for all to be had at the museum! With the fossils and the artifacts and the paintings and so on and so forth!”

Heidegger: “And the food! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: *shrugs* “Eh. Maybe I could pick up some clients.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Only if they’re looking for diseases!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, Heidegger!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, the next day, everyone has gathered to go to the museum. everyone except reeve and tseng)

Reno: *sigh* “Why did I get up so early in the morning for this?”

Irvine: “Maybe there’ll be some hot chicks we can pick up at the museum!”

Reno: “No, man. Only smart chicks hang out at the museum. And smart chicks aren’t usually skanks.”

Irvine: “I learn more from you every day.”

Seifer: “Where is Reeve?! I want to get there before it opens! How are we going to avoid the lines!?”

Ashley: “Seifer, what is *wrong* with you? This is a museum, not freakin’ Disney World. There are NO lines!”

Seifer: “That’s what they *want* you to think.”

Sephiroth: “Alucard’s coming.”

Lark: “Oh yeah?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah. And he’s bringing his stupid boyfriend.”

Lark: “Oh.”

Sephiroth: “And his stupid boyfriend’s even stupider brother.”

Lark: “Oh.”

Sephiroth: “And his dad.”

Lark: “Ouch.”

Sephiroth: “I know.”

Auron: “No one is forcing you to hang out with anyone you don’t wish to be around.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t want to hang out with you and yet you’re always around.”

Seifer: “OMG! Where is Reeve?!”

Ashley: “…I’m going to *kill* him before the end of the day.”

(and then reeve and tseng come over. tseng is looking at reeve cautiously, because reeve does not look well. he looks kind of pale and sweaty)

Reeve: “Hi… Sorry I’m late.”

Rufus: *running away* “You’re sick! Get away from me!”

Reeve: “…I’m not sick…” *weak smile* “I’m fine!”

Tseng: “Sweetie, would you please go back to bed? You’re running a fever!”

Reeve: “I’m fine! Let’s go!”

Lark: “Reeve, you can’t drag yourself out to the museum! You look like you’re about to fall over!”

Reeve: “But it’s one day only! My plans! My itinerary! I can’t be sick.”

Twilight: “Oh well! Reeve’s sick! We can’t go!”

(he goes to walk away but lark grabs the back of his shirt)

Lark: “We’re going. Reeve, get back into bed. I’m sorry, but you can’t go out like that.”

Tseng: “I’ll stay behind with you.”

Reeve: “No! Go! I want you to go and enjoy what I’ve been looking forward to!” *bursts out crying*

Tseng: “But–“

Reeve: *cries harder*

Tseng: “Fine! I’ll go!” *to lark* “Give me a minute.”

(he takes reeve back down the hallway towards their room.)

Seifer: *whines* “The lines…”

Ashley: “Holy crap, Seifer! Shut up!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

11 A.M.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so the whole gang, consisting of: sephiroth, lark, Ashley, seifer, shell, rude, reno, irvine, tifa, cloud, alucard, dante, dracula, lloyd, twilight, opal, zell, franswa, quistis, tseng, vincent, auron, rufus, algus, zidane and tseng arrive at the museum. tseng looks depressed.)

Sephiroth: “It’s probably for the best Reeve didn’t come.”

Tseng: “Why is that?”

Sephiroth: “Remember when we went to Williamsburg? All you did the whole time was chase him around with a camera. You’d probably wind up doing that again.”

Tseng: “I’d gladly do that any day rather than have him sick!”

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “Really?”

Tseng: “This is why you can’t hold a relationship.”

Sephiroth: *frowns*

(they all give their tickets and go inside.)

Lark: “Okay, so are we splitting up?”

Seifer: *dragging Ashley* “OMG!!! THELINES!!! LETSGOLETSGOLETSGO!!!”

Ashley: *being dragged away* “Help me, Shell!”

Shell: “Let’s go, Rude.”

Rude: “Right behind you, Shell.”

(so seifer drags Ashley away, and rude and shell follow. everyone else just looks confused for a moment)

Lark: “Oooookay. That answered that question.”

Tifa: “I’m meeting Richter inside, so he and I will stay with Cloud. That way he doesn’t burden everyone.”

Opal: “I bought a special book that goes along with the museum exhibits. It’s to help Twilight with his reading. So we’ll tour on our own.”

Twilight: “Opal! I thought you loved me!”

Opal: “I do love you, Twilight! That’s why I’m trying to help you!”

Twilight: “If you wanted to help me you’d get me out of here!”

Quistis: “I’m just going to kind of wander around by myself.”

Zell: “I bet you have specific stuff you wanna see! Right, Instructor?”

Quistis: “Something like that…”

Auron: “Vincent and I would prefer to tour on own…just so we can not be disturbed as we go at our own pace.”

Sephiroth: “Don’t you dare look at *me* when you say that!”

Franswa: “I guess it’s me and you, Zell.”

Zell: “Okay!!”

Zidane: “Can I go with them too, Algus?”

Algus: “No. I never travel without my help.”

Reno: “And Irvine and me aren’t really here for the exhibits.”

Irvine: “Yeah. There’s gotta be *something* cool to do in this museum.”

Lark: “Okay! Well the museum closes at 5, so everyone be back here by 5 o’clock, okay?”

Everyone: “Okay!”

(so everyone leaves except lark, sephiroth, alucard, dante, dracula, lloyd and tseng.)

Lark: “I guess that leaves us then.”

Dracula: “Alucard! Alucard! Where’s my super hero cape?”

Alucard: “If you’re talking about that tablecloth you’ve been walking around in, I left it at home.”

Dracula: *gasp* “But who will save the sofas now?”

Alucard: *sigh* “Why did I bring him again?”

Dante: “Don’t sweat it, baby. Everything’ll be fine.”

Lloyd: “Oh shut up, Dante!”

Dante: “Can it, Lloyd.”

Lloyd: “It’s VERGIL, you @#^&!*@#$%^*!”

Tseng: *sigh*

Lark: *wide eyes*

Sephiroth: *grins at her* “Oh, you are in for a *fun* day.”

(they start to walk into the ancient egypt exhibit)

Lark: *mutters* “I should have took my chances with Irvine and Reno.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, the losers arrive. hojo has a large backpack on)

Scarlet: “Uh…what’s in the backpack?”

Kuja: “I don’t know, and I don’t want to ask.”

Hojo: *rubs hands together eagerly* “Look at all the children!”

Nida: “I’m gonna walk around and learn lotsa stuff so I can show up Squall!”

Scarlet: “I’m sure Squall will really care.”

Nida: “Shut up, whore!”

Seymour: “Ugh. My skin looks horrible in this lighting.”

Kuja: “It’s not the lighting.”

Heidegger: “I’m still sad they wouldn’t let skunks in! Gya haa haa!”

Hojo: “Okay, everyone! It’s time to put my plan into action! Follow me!”

(he heads for the ancient egypt section, and everyone else reluctantly follows)

Nida: “Are we going to be arrested?”

Scarlet: *shrugs* “Eh. Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Heidegger: “I’ll say! Gya haa haa!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

11:30 A.M.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in the ancient egypt section, richter and tifa are staring at an ancient building that has basically been rebuilt inside the museum. richter has his arm around tifa lovingly)

Tifa: “Wow. I can’t believe they transported the whole thing here.”

Richter: “It is quite amazing.”

Tifa: “Hey, Cloud–” *turns around but doesn’t see him* “…Cloud!?” *looks around more* “Cloud?!” *turns to richter* “Richter! Ohmygosh! Cloud’s gone!”

Richter: “I’m sorry, what?”

Tifa: “Cloud is gone! He’s wandered off!” *hand to head* “Oh, this was a bad idea!”

Richter: “I’m sure he’ll eventually find his way back to us like one of those lost kitties he’s always chattering about.”

Tifa: “Richter! We have to find him! Come on!”

(and she grabs richter by the wrist and starts to drag him away)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, the losers head into the ancient egypt exhibit. Hojo immediately spots a group of boys dressed in a uniform)

Hojo: “An all boy’s school? Excellent! This is turning out better than I had hoped!”

Nida: “Ew, you creepazoid!”

Scarlet: “I’m already bored.”

Kuja: “I already miss my own reflection.”

Heidegger: “I’m already hungry! Gya haa haa!”

Hojo: “I don’t need all of you crowded around! Why don’t you explore on your own and we’ll meet back here at five.”

Nida: “Fine with me! If the cops ask me if I know you, I’m acting dumb.”

Scarlet: “You won’t need any acting.”

Nida: “Shut up, whore!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’ve gotta find food!”

(so scarlet, nida and heidegger leave. Kuja and seymour go to follow, but hojo grabs them both by the arm)

Hojo: “I don’t think so! You two can stay with me.”

Kuja: “And why is that?”

Hojo: “Because I need something beautiful to look at during the day!”

Kuja: “Well…” *flips hair over shoulder* “That certainly explains my being here. But that certainly doesn’t explain vein face.”

Seymour: “ExCUSE me? More like the other way around!”

Kuja: “Whatever. Talk to me when you figure out red eyeshadow is more out of style than leisure suits.”

Seymour: “If you knew anything, you’d know that red eyeshadow is the height of fashion!”

Kuja: “I do know. And it’s not.”

Seymour: “You bitch!”

(they keep arguing. And while they’re doing so, hojo goes to set up his equipment with a grin)

Hojo: “Exxxxxxxxxcellent. They’ll get all the attention and no one will notice me.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

 

(meanwhile, sephiroth’s group is also in the ancient egypt section…)

Alucard: “It’s nice to see some artifacts in a museum that aren’t already in my house.”

Dante: “Don’t sweat it, baby. Just relax and have a good time.”

Sephiroth: “Hey, Dante. I didn’t realize it was fine to walk around with an unbuttoned shirt in a museum.”

Dante: *grins* “I don’t see anyone complaining.”

Sephiroth: “I am.”

Dante: *bigger grin* “Anyone who *counts*.”

Sephiroth: *glares* “Oh. Real nice, man whore.”

Lloyd: “You suck, Dante!”

Dante: “Put a sock in it, Lloyd!”

Lloyd: “My name is Vergil, you asshole!”

Dracula: “Alucard, do you think any of these coffins have vampires in them? I need them for my protest against spicy soup!”

Alucard: “No, dad. There are no vampires in there. Only mummies.”

Dracula: *gasp* “Mummies?! Like my friend?!”

Alucard: “No. He’s fine.”

Dracula: “Alucard! His friends might be trapped inside! Help me free them!”

(he goes to jump into one of the exhibits, but alucard and dante grab him and pull him away)

Alucard: “No, dad! These have nothing to do with your friend!”

Dracula: “Forget the sofas! The mummies need my help now!” *turns to dante* “Get my cape and special sonar spatula, Alucard’s boyfriend.”

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “Wait. A. Minute.” *to dante* “Did Dracula just call you Alucard’s *boy*friend?!”

Dante: “Of course.”

Sephiroth: *to alucard* “He never called me anything but your *girl*friend!!”

Alucard: *shrugs* “That’s dad.”

Sephiroth: *to dracula* “You stupid, rotting geezer! I’m a man too!”

Dracula: “Alucard, tell this old woman to quiet down.”

Sephiroth: “WHAT?!”

Tseng: “Calm down, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “No! No! I will not calm down! Why does he know that this skank is a man, but not me?”

Dante: “Well, it’s pretty obvious…”

Sephiroth: “Oh, shut up, Dante!”

Lloyd: “Yeah, Dante! Shut up!”

Dante: “Stay out of this, Lloyd.”

Lloyd: “It’s VERGIL! You pompous jerkoff!”

Lark: “Guys! Stop it! You’re making a scene!”

Dracula: “Who’s making scenes?” *sniffs air* “I don’t smell anything cooking.”

(they keep arguing. Lark and tseng look at each other)

Tseng: “This is fun.”

Lark: “Tell me about it.” *yells* “Guys!! Stop it! Sephiroth! Just drop the subject and Dracula already!”

Sephiroth: *is holding dracula off the floor* “He started it!”

Dracula: *chuckles* “I start lots of stuff.”

Lark: “Put him down!”

Sephiroth: *puts dracula down*

Lark: “Now we’re here to have a good time! So no more fighting!”

Sephiroth: “Why are you looking at me?”

Lark: “Because you started it! Now move out!”

(alucard, dante, lloyd, dracula and sephiroth move forward to the next exhibit. Lark looks at tseng with a sigh before they follow.)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

12:00 P.M.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(it seems zell and franswa have chosen to go to the dinosaur exhibit. They’re standing in front of one of the huge assembled dinosaur bones.)

Zell: “…I’m sorry about running out of the club like that the other night. I was…uh…really tired.”

Franswa: “It’s okay.”

(they smile at one another awkwardly)

Franswa: “Uh, this is a big dinosaur.”

Zell: “Um, yeah! Yeah! But you know, these aren’t the real bones. They’re just copies. They put up fake ones ’cause they don’t want people touching the real ones. Because it’s really easy to.” *he leans over and touches the tail of the dinosaur* “See?”

(and as soon as he says that the whole thing sways like it’s really unstable. Zell jerks his hand away. And he and franswa watch in horror as the whole dinosaur sways some more. But then it stops.)

Zell: *relieved* “Phew.”

(and then the whole dinosaur collapses with a bang, sending dust flying into the air. and zell and franswa look even more horrified)

Zell: “Oh, crap!”

Franswa: “Oh no! Look!” *points*

(zell looks to where franswa has pointed. An angry security guard is headed their way)

Zell: “…Run!!!!”

(he takes off. Franswa looks stunned a moment but then he too turns and flees. The security guard chases after them.)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, Ashley, seifer, shell and rude are in a section where there’s a lot of old looking jewelry. Shell is looking at one of the cases)

Ashley: “Seifer, why can’t we go see the Ancient Egypt exhibit like everyone else?”

Seifer: “You just answered your own question, Ashley! We’ll go there later in the day when it’s less crowded!”

Ashley: “Why am I still with you?”

Shell: “Hey, Rude. How much do you think something like that would cost?” *points to something in the case*

Rude: “I’m pretty sure everything in a museum is pretty much considered priceless, Shell.”

Shell: “Is that like, priceless like a mother’s love priceless or priceless like really, really so expensive it’s crazy priceless?”

Rude: “I’m not sure I wanna find out, Shell.”

Seifer: “Come on! We’ve spent way too long here. We have to go to the Ancient Greek statues now!”

Ashley: “I hate you.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, rufus, algus and zidane are looking at some really old furniture)

Algus: “Look at this furniture, Zidane! It was owned by kings and other famous dignitaries! Like me! And you know who made this furniture?”

Zidane: *sigh* “Who made the furniture, Algus?”

Algus: “Peasants! Like you!”

Zidane: “Thanks for making that comparison. Because you don’t already point out that I’m below you 90 million times a day.”

Rufus: *thoughtfully* “Who do you think donated this stuff to the museum?”

Algus: “An excellent question, Rufus! I do not know! Surely it was people who recognized the greatness of those who owned it!”

Rufus: “I wonder if people will donate my stuff to a museum when I die.”

Zidane: “What, like Mr. Jingles?”

Rufus: “No! Mr. Jingles is getting buried with me! It’s already in my will!” *pause* “Maybe I should start my own museum… Yeah! The Rufus J. Shinra museum!”

Algus: “A wonderful idea, Rufus! You certainly deserve it!”

Zidane: “That place would be emptier than Paris Hilton’s head.”

Algus: “Silence, slave! And the Hilton in Paris is a hotel! It doesn’t have a head!”

Zidane: *rolls his eyes*

Algus: “We should get plenty of ideas for your museum by looking around this one, Rufus!”

Rufus: “What a fun project!”

Algus: “Indeed!”

(they move on, happily laughing and talking together. Zidane drags behind, making a motion like he’s hanging himself.)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

12:30 P.M.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, tifa and richter seem to have finally found cloud. Tifa is dragging him over to where richter stands)

Tifa: “Look who I found trying to go into that Ancient Egyptian building!”

Cloud: “Snufflufagus!”

Richter: “Bless you.”

Tifa: “Will you watch him for a moment, Richter? I dropped my purse while I was chasing him.”

Richter: “Of course.”

(she goes off. And as she does there is some loud arguing coming from behind richter. He turns to listen)

Dante’s voice: “You are *so* jealous!”

Sephiroth’s voice: “Jealous of what? How many pills you have to take because you’re so diseased?!”

Lloyd’s voice: “Yeah, Dante! And I’m allergic to you!”

Dante’s voice: “Shut up, Lloyd.”

Lloyd’s voice: “It’s Vergil! And *you* shut up, Dante!”

Lark’s voice: “All of you shut up!”

(they finally quiet down. Richter turns back around to find that cloud is gone.)

Richter: “Uh oh.”

Tifa: *returns* “I’m back!” *frowns* “Where’s Cloud?”

Richter: “He was just here a second ago!”

Tifa: “Richter!”

Richter: “I’m sorry! I’m sure we’ll find him quickly!”

(and so off they are to search again)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, quistis is standing in front of the jewelry that shell was looking at earlier. She has a pad and pen out and is writing something down…)

Quistis: *mutters* “Second floor…third case from door…4th shelf–“

????: “Hey, Instructor!”

(she whirls around to see nida, scarlet and heidegger coming towards her. She quickly shoves the pad under her jacket)

Quistis: “Oh. Hi, Nida.”

Nida: “What’re you doing here?”

Quistis: “Just…you know…enjoying…old stuff. What are you doing here?”

Nida: *rolls eyes* “Hojo dragged us here. He’s back in the Ancient Egypt exhibit doing who knows what.”

Heidegger: “I have a guess! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “Would you shut up, Heidegger? Your laugh is echoing in here!”

Heidegger: “I find that funny! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “How come you’re here by yourself, Instructor? You can hang out with us if you want!”

Quistis: “Uh, no thanks, Nida. I’m just trying to have a nice alone day.”

Nida: “Okay! Well I’ll see you in class!”

(they start to walk off)

Scarlet: *mutters* “You are such a suck up.”

Nida: “Shut up, bitch hoe! At least I’m not a whore!”

Heidegger: “Scarlet does a lot of sucking! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “I said shut it, Heidegger!”

(they leave. Quistis takes out her pad and goes back to the case)

Quistis: “Okay. Second floor, third case from the door, 6th shelf…”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, reno and irvine are sitting on a bench looking bored)

Irvine: “Dude, remember that time at the zoo?”

Reno: “Yeah.”

Irvine: “Well this is just like that.”

Reno: “Only I got booze this time.” *reaches into his jacket and takes out flask*

Irvine: “Me too!” *takes out his flask* “…But wait. …Did we have booze that time?”

Reno: “No.”

Irvine: “Are you sure?”

Reno: “…No.”

Irvine: “I can’t remember…”

Reno: “Me neither…”

Irvine: “Hmmm…” *pause* “Hey. You don’t think all our drinkin’ kills our memory or somethin’, do ya?”

Reno: “No!” *pause* “It’s probably the GF. Or whatever the hell it is you guys blame your memory loss on.”

Irvine: “Oh. Right.” *pause* “…But, Reno. …You don’t use the GF.”

Reno: *long pause* “Hey, Irvine! How about we try and livin’ this party up a bit?”

Irvine: *suspiciously* “You smokin’ somethin’ else without me, Reno?”

Reno: “Dude, all that matters is that we have the tools to make this the best museum trip ever.” *takes long drink from flask*

Irvine: “I hope it’s our only musuem trip ever.”

Reno: “Me too.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

1:00 P.M.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(twilight and opal stand in front of a statue. Opal is reading aloud from a book called ‘Read Along Museum’ which also says it’s for ages 4-6 on the cover. Twilight looks really bored)

Opal: “…Many of the statues were broken when they fell off during earthquakes.” *pause* “Wow! Isn’t this interesting, Twilight?”

Twilight: “No! Can we go now?”

Opal: “Twilight, you need to be more cultured.”

Twilight: “This isn’t my culture! I’m not Ancient Roman!”

Opal: “This is Ancient Greek!”

Twilight: “Whatever! The great Twilight doesn’t need to know about stuff like this!”

Opal: “Twilight! History is important!”

Twilight: “No it’s not! Unless it’s lightsaber history!”

Opal: “Oh, Twilight. Just keep listening! I’m sure you’re getting something out of this!”

(she goes on reading, but twilight just crosses his arms and sighs loudly, looking just as bored as ever)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, sephiroth’s group has moved on to the paintings. Sephiroth, alucard, dante, lloyd and dracula are all ahead. Lark and tseng are lagging a bit and are a few pictures behind them)

Sephiroth: *yells* “Would you two women hurry it up?”

Tseng: “Ha ha. You’re so funny.”

(sephiroth and them keep going, and lark and tseng stroll along)

Lark: *checking cell phone* “It’s so weird that we don’t get any signal in here.”

Tseng: “Reeve and I have hardly had sex since the baby was born.”

Lark: *blink blink* “…Why are you telling me this?”

Tseng: *looks at her* “I don’t know. …Maybe…you know why…?”

Lark: *looks confused* “Well, um, you have a baby to take care of now. That takes up a lot of free time!”

Tseng: *shakes head no* “It’s not like that.” *pause* “I can’t believe Reeve wanted me to come here without him. Why wouldn’t he want me with him?”

Lark: “Tseng! Is that what’s bothering you? You think Reeve doesn’t want you around?! That’s crazy!”

Tseng: “Either that or he thinks I’m stupid and need to learn something!”

Lark: “Oh please! Honey, you’re being ridiculous. Stop looking into it so much.”

Sephiroth: *yells* “Hurry up! I’m sick of turning around and waiting for you!”

Lark: *stomps over* “And I’m sick of you picking fights with Dante.”

Lloyd: “Dante sucks!”

Lark: “And I’m sick of you too, Lloyd.”

Lloyd: “It’s VERGIL! Dammit! Why can no one get it right!?”

Dante: “Because you’re a loser.”

Lloyd: “Cram it, Dante!”

Dracula: “Alucard, I have to go to the little boy’s room!”

Alucard: *sigh* “Can you guys wait here? I have to take dad to the bathroom.”

Dante: “No problem, babe. Take your time.”

(dracula flounces off and alucard hurries after him.)

Alucard: “Dad, you better not turn on all the faucets and run out again! You know water hurts you!”

(they leave. The group looks at the paintings in the area, most of which are ‘modern’)

Sephiroth: “Look at this crap! My cat could have painted this!”

Dante: *snort*

Sephiroth: *glares at him* “You have something to say?”

Lark: *warningly* “Sephiroth…”

Sephiroth: *pouts and mutters* “He started it.”

(alucard and dracula return a few minutes later. Alucard looks pissed)

Alucard: “Nice, dad. Real nice!”

Dante: “What happened?”

Alucard: “He ran into the bathroom yelling ‘vampire!! Vampire!! There are vampires in my soup!’ This after I explained to him to keep a LOW profile.”

Dracula: “Everyone got a good laugh, Alucard!”

Alucard: “No. Everyone looked at you like you’re crazy. Which you are.”

Sephiroth: “Damn straight he’s crazy!” *pause* “And why does he have toilet paper sticking out the back of his pants?!”

Alucard: *smacks himself in the forehead* “Dad…”

Dracula: *starts wrapping toilet paper around his head* “I’m going to blend in now, Alucard! That way I can save the mummies!”

Alucard: “No, dad. You’re not saving the mummies! Get that stuff off your head!”

Dracula: “I won’t let you stand in my way, Alucard!”

Alucard: “Fine! Look like an idiot! At least do it quietly!”

(he goes over and joins dante. Dracula keeps wrapping the stuff around his head but at least he’s quiet. That’s when auron and vincent walk in, holding hands. Sephiroth spots them right away and frowns)

Sephiroth: “Oh look! There’s an escaped mummy! They used to put claws on them back then?! How advanced!” *pause* “Oh! It’s just you, Vincent! Sorry! I mistook you for a rotting corpse.”

Dracula: “I have a twin?!”

(auron glares at sephiroth and jerks a depressed looking vincent out of the room. Lark looks furious and she stomps over to sephiroth)

Lark: “Sephiroth, that wasn’t funny!”

Sephiroth: “The truth must be told!”

Lark: “That’s *not* true! Now leave Vincent alone! I don’t want to hear you say anything like that again!”

Dracula: “Where’d the mummy go?”

Alucard: “There’s no mummy, dad. Sephiroth was just being a jerk.”

Sephiroth: “At least I know how to put a shirt on!”

Dante: *sarcasm* “Ooh. That hurts. I think I’m gonna cry now.”

Dracula: “This is all a cover-up! I must find that mummy!” *runs out*

Alucard: “Dammit, Dad!” *runs after him*

(dante runs after alucard and lloyd runs after dante. That leaves lark, tseng and sephiroth behind and lark looks pissed)

Lark: “Great job, Sephiroth! See what you did?”

Sephiroth: “Oh please! He’ll forget about the mummy in a few minutes and go nattering on about how he needs a toothbrush to jump over the moon or something.”

(and he leaves the room. Lark and tseng just look at one another and shake their heads)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the ancient egypt exhibit, hojo has set up a booth that says ‘dr. hojo’s boy’s information booth’. He has a bunch of kids in matching uniforms standing before him. Kuja and seymour stand nearby, bickering as usual.)

Kuja: “Green is *not* the new black.”

Seymour: “Yes it is.”

Kuja: “No. It isn’t.”

Seymour: “YES IT IS!”

Kuja: “No! It’s not!”

(and hojo’s plan is working, because all the adults are too busy staring curiously at the two arguing cross dressers to notice hojo and his booth of horrors, where a young boy is sticking his hand through a slit that is in the cloth that is front of where hojo stands)

Hojo: “Yes, yes! All of you! Feel the mysterious wonders of Ancient Egypt!”

Boy: “…All I feel is your leg…”

(kuja flounces over looking annoyed)

Kuja: “Hojo!”

Hojo: *frowns* “Not now. I’m busy!”

Kuja: “This is an emergency!”

Hojo: *annoyed sigh* “Fine! What is it?”

Kuja: “Please tell Seymour that his horrible veins make him a freak.”

Hojo: “*This* is your emergency?”

Seymour: “Shutting up his mouth is always an emergency.”

Kuja: *huffs* “Whatever. I’m sure more than a few people have fainted after seeing your face.”

Seymour: “You could say the same about your ass.”

Kuja: *gasp* “You take that back!”

(they go back to fighting. hojo smiles and clears his throat)

Hojo: “Now, now, boys! Don’t be distracted now! Keep sticking your nice little hands inside! More than one at a time now!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

1:30 P.M.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(okay, i’m skeeved out. anyway, now we see two statues that are in quite funny looking positions standing side by side. the area around them is deserted. then suddenly zell peeks his head out from behind one statue, and franswa peeks his head out from behind another)

Zell: “…Is he gone?”

Franswa: “…I hope so. He’s been chasing us for over an hour!”

Zell: “I can’t believe that thing fell down! It was like a cartoon! Who knocks down a whole dinosaur like that?!”

Franswa: “Obviously you.”

(loud footsteps are heard)

Zell: “Quick! Hide!”

(they resume their positions behind the statues. just as they do that a very surly looking security guard hurries past, looking every which way. he passes by quickly and then he’s gone. a minute passes and zell and franswa peek out from behind their hiding spots again)

Zell: “We better find better hiding spots!”

Franswa: “…There goes looking at the art.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, rufus, algus and zidane have made it to the fossils section, where the collapsed dinosaur still lays in all its pieces. they are all staring at it)

Zidane: “…What the hell happened there?”

Algus: “Some stupid peasant probably thought it would be fun to touch it.”

Rufus: “How stupid can people be?”

Algus: “Amazingly stupid.”

(there’s a long pause)

Rufus: “I don’t think I want my bones displayed in my museum.”

Algus: “Yes. That would be a little bit…odd.”

Zidane: “And creepy.”

Rufus: “I’ll just put pictures of myself all over the place instead.”

Zidane: “That’s still creepy.”

Algus: “Quiet, slave. You’re not paid to talk.”

Zidane: “I’m not paid at all!”

Algus: “Those skittles cost me money!”

Zidane: “But they’re *not* money.”

Algus: *laughs* “No, but you certainly wish they were!”

(he and rufus both laugh and move to the next exhibit while zidane fumes.)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, quistis is staring at a line of very old clocks)

Quistis: *mumbles* “I wonder how many of these I could carry…”

Nida: “Hey, Instructor!” *comes over grinning*

Quistis: “Oh. Hi, Nida. …Again.”

Nida: “Do you have a map? Heidegger won’t stop talking about food and we can’t find the food court.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! My whole life is flashing before my eyes! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “I’m probably naked in there somewhere.”

Quistis: *takes out a bunch of maps* “Take your pick.”

Nida: *takes one and looks at it confused* “Why do you have a map of where all the security alarms are?”

Quistis: *snatches it back* “I don’t know. Here, take this one.” *shoves another in his hands*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Let me eat it!”

Nida: “No, you dumbass! We’re going to use it to find you real food!” *grins* “Thanks, Instructor!”

(he, scarlet and heidegger go away. quistis turns back to the clocks)

Quistis: “I wish I came in my own car…”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

2:00 P.M.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, tifa and richter have found cloud again. They’re dragging him upstairs)

Tifa: “Cloud! Stop running off! It isn’t fun to be pregnant and chasing you all over the museum!”

Cloud: “Big yellow bird!”

Richter: “I don’t think he understands you.”

Tifa: “Of course he does—whoa!!”

(tifa suddenly trips up the steps. Richter lets go of cloud and makes a grab for her. He catches her just before she falls.)

Richter: “Are you all right?”

Tifa: *breathless* “Yes! Boy, that was scary!” *richter helps her up and she looks around* “…Where’s Cloud?”

(cloud’s gone)

Richter: “No. Not again.”

Tifa: “He must have run back downstairs!” *runs back downstairs* “Cloud!!”

Richter: *frowns* “Dracula’s castle was less frustrating than this!”

 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(Ashley’s group is now looking at the paintings)

Seifer: *looking at watch* “Ten more minutes…”

Ashley: *looking at a painting* “Stop it, Seifer…”

Seifer: “If you want to see the Ancient Egypt exhibit before it closes, we have to leave soon!”

Ashley: “Right now all I want to do is slug you in the face.”

Shell: “Rude?”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Shell: “Some of this stuff isn’t too impressive. I bet you could do better, Rude.”

Rude: “Uh, thanks, Shell.”

Shell: “Then you could sell your paintings and make a ton of money! Then we’d be rich!”

Rude: “I can dream, Shell.”

Seifer: “Nine minutes!”

Ashley: “Seifer!

Seifer: “Ashley… I’d enjoy the rest of your nine minutes while you can!”

Ashley: “Grrr…”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back to irvine and reno, they’re still drinking out of their flasks, but they don’t look happy)

Irvine: “I’m not drunk yet.”

Reno: “Me neither.”

Irvine: *shakes flask* “I’ve been drinkin’ this too slow.”

Reno: “I think it’s about time we just start chuggin’.”

Irvine: “Dude, I’m with ya.”

(they high five, and then start chugging)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

2:30 P.M.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, twilight and opal are in the ancient egypt section now)

Opal: “Okay, Twilight! Time for the special quiz at the end of the section!”

Twilight: *groans* “Opal! Those stupid quizzes have already proven I haven’t been listening!”

Opal: “Twilight! You at least have to try!”

Twilight: *whines* “But, Opal! Trying is too hard!”

Opal: “I thought you thought the mummies were cool, Twilight!”

Twilight: “I did! Before I had to start remembering stuff about them!”

Opal: “Oh, Twilight.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, sephiroth’s gang is in the statues section)

Dracula: “Alucard, look! These statues are broken too!”

Alucard: “But you broke the ones we have at home, dad.”

Dracula: “They were trying to kill me!”

Dante: “They should make a statue of me.” *grins and flexes muscles*

Lloyd: “I wish they’d make a statue of you, Dante! So I could smash it!”

Dante: “Go away, Lloyd.”

Lloyd: “It’s Vergil, jerk face!”

Lark: “These statues are beautiful. And just think that they were carved out of slabs of marble.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t think they’d find a slab of marble big enough to carve Dante’s fat ass.”

Dante: *sarcastic* “Oh! You’re so mean to me! I’ll never recover!” *laughs*

(sephiroth kind of glares at him as lark, alucard, dante, lloyd and dracula continue down further. Tseng comes over to sephiroth)

Tseng: “Would you leave him alone?”

Sephiroth: “Argh! I hate him! He thinks he’s so great!”

Tseng: “So do you.”

Sephiroth: “But I am great!”

Tseng: *sigh*

Sephiroth: “So why are you over here with me?”

Tseng: “I wanted to ask you something.”

Sephiroth: “What?”

Tseng: “Do… Do you think Reeve is still attracted to me?”

(sephiroth bursts out into hysterical laughter that is so loud everyone in the surrounding area turns to look at him. Tseng looks horrified. This goes on for a good ten seconds or so. Finally the laughter slows down, and he’s wiping tears from his eyes)

Sephiroth: “Oh! Oh! Okay! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

Tseng: *frowns* “What’s so funny?”

Sephiroth: “It’s just *you* not attractive to *Reeve* anymore? Come on! That’s a joke!”

Tseng: *still frowning* “Fine. So that gives me my answer.”

Sephiroth: “Why are you even asking me that?” *quietly* “Do you want to break it off with Reeve? Because then maybe you and I could get back together. That would really show them up!”

Tseng: “Are you insane?! No! I still love Reeve! And all you care about is showing up Dante! Get a life!”

(he stomps away. Sephiroth stands there for a moment, frowning)

Sephiroth: “…It’s not about Dante.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, heidegger, nida and scarlet are looking at the paintings. Most of them are food related)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m still hungry!”

Scarlet: “Would you shut up? You practically bought the place out! How can you still be hungry?”

Nida: “I wonder if he has any other organs besides stomachs.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! These food paintings are making me even more hungry!”

Nida: “Well too bad! You can’t eat the pictures!” *pause* “Hey! That reminds me of a song!” *sings* “Don’t eat the pictures! No, no, no! Don’t eat the pictures! No, no, no! Don’t eat the pictures – no! When you go to museums! Da da da da!”

Scarlet: “Wow, Nida. What Sesame Street special did you steal that from?”

Nida: “It was Sesame Street at the Museum actually.”

Scarlet: “…Okay, my attempt at sarcasm totally backfired.”

Heidegger: “I’m still hungry! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “Shut up, Heidegger! Don’t make me sing the song again!”

Scarlet: “Yes. *Please* don’t make him sing the song again.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

3:00 P.M.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, zell and franswa are still on the run…they’re creeping around a corner…)

Franswa: “It’s been a long time. Maybe we lost him.”

Zell: “I hope! I didn’t mean to knock over that dinosaur!”

(they turn the corner and run right into the security guard.)

Zell: “Crap!! Run!!”

(so he and franswa take off running again, they fly around a corner and zell sees a door that is blocked by one of those velvet ropes. He grabs franswa by the sleeve of his shirt, yanks open the door and pulls him inside. The door closes just before the security guard goes running past. Inside, zell and franswa are out of breath)

Franswa: *pants* “I…can’t…take much more of this!”

Zell: *looking around* “Wow! This looks like some kind of planetarium or something!”

(they both look up at the ceiling, which is sparkling like the night sky.)

Franswa: “Pretty…”

(they hear footsteps and look panicked. Zell sees another door off to the side)

Zell: “Quick! This way!”

(he and franswa run over and quickly go through the door. They find themselves in a janitors closet.)

Franswa: “Oh. Great. Now we get to sit around smelling ammonia.”

Zell: *frowns* “I’m sorry, Franswa. I ruined the whole trip for you.”

Franswa: “It’s okay. It’s not like you did it on purpose or anything.”

(they smile at each other)

Zell: “We should probably sit here for awhile…”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(rufus, algus and zidane are now in the ancient egypt exhibit. Rufus is staring thoughtfully at a mummy)

Rufus: “I guess they did the best they could at the time, but when I think of myself being preserved, I don’t think of myself looking like a shriveled up prune.”

Algus: *nods* “Indeed.”

Rufus: “I hear all those rumors about freezing people until they find a cure for whatever disease is going to kill them. Do you think that’s true?”

Algus: “If it’s not, I dare say you’re rich enough to pay someone to find out!”

Rufus: “Because if I was going to be preserved, I think it should be in a way so I could come back later. And, in the meantime, my frozen body could be on display at my museum.”

Algus: “That would certainly be a wonderful tribute to yourself.”

Zidane: “I think I’m gonna throw up.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and now quistis is in the ancient egypt exhibit with her pad and pen out again…)

Quistis: “…I wonder if this stuff is real gold…”

Seifer: “Hey, Quistis! Whatcha doing there?”

Quistis: *shoves pad under her coat* “Huh? Oh. Just admiring this stuff. What are you guys doing?”

Ashley: “Trying to restrain myself from killing Seifer.”

Quistis: “Sounds like fun. Anyway, you take care and learn…stuff.”

(she quickly moves away)

Seifer: “She’s weird!”

Ashley: “Takes one to know one.”

Seifer: “Hey!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

3:30 P.M.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so tifa and richter have once again managed to track down cloud…)

Tifa: “Cloud! I’m starting to wish I had one of those child leashes!”

Cloud: “Snufflelufagus has a long trunk!”

Richter: “We had one of those for Franswa.” *sigh* “We kept hoping he’d try and go somewhere.”

Cloud: “Birds are yellow and big!”

Tifa: “Cloud, quiet down. Richter, what do you think we should do?”

Richter: “I think it would be in our best interest if we left.”

Cloud: “No!! Snuffy!!!”

(and he jerks his hand out of tifa’s and starts to run away again)

Tifa: “No! Cloud!! Come back here!” *runs after him*

Richter: *sigh* “I can’t take much more of this…”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, Ashley, shell, rude and seifer are still in the ancient egypt section)

Seifer: “Are you happy now, Ashley? We’re finally in the section you wanted to see!”

Ashley: “I still hate you.”

Seifer: “And look how empty it is in here! I was totally right! Wasn’t I totally right?”

Ashley: “I hate you. Shut up.”

Shell: “I hope they have real gold copies of some of this stuff in the gift shop, Rude.”

Rude: *mutters* “I hope they don’t.”

Seifer: *looks at watch* “We better hurry up if we want to beat the rush out of here…”

Ashley: “Seifer! Stop it! We’re meeting everyone at five! We’re not going anywhere to beat the rush, and if you keep it up the only thing that’s going to be beat is you!”

Shell: “Yeah! And we haven’t even hit the gift shop yet!”

Rude: “Maybe Seifer has a point…”

Shell: “You stay outta this, Rude!”

Seifer: “Fine, fine! But don’t complain to me when we’re waiting on a huge line in the parking lot!”

Ashley: *twitch*

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, irvine and reno are drunk. And laughing)

Irvine: “Dude! Duuuuude! We should do something…funny.”

Reno: “Yeah, dude! We gotta do somethin’ totally…totally…”

Irvine: “Dude! I got this… I got this… We pretend like there’s some sorta mummy running loose and scarin’ people an sh*t, and you could like put toilet paper on yourself, and be the mummy! And like, scare people.”

Reno: *laughs* “That is f*#@ing awesome, man. F@#$ing awesome!”

Irvine: “Let’s go to the bathroom…” *they get up* “I gotta pee anyway.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

4:00 P.M.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, opal and twilight are at the paintings now.)

Twilight: “Opal, you’re making this all more boring!”

Opal: “Come on, Twilight! We’re on the spelling section now!”

Twilight: “No! I hate that section the most!”

Opal: “Spell paint.”

Twilight: *annoyed sigh* “Uh…paint…okay…um…p…p…”

Child’s voice: “P-A-I-N-T!” *laughs* “Hi, Mr. Stick Man!”

(twilight whirls around to see the infamous spelling kid standing there with his mother)

Twilight: “You! I just saw you a few months ago!”

Opal: “Aw! Look, Twilight! It’s the cute little boy I taught the alphabet to at Sephiroth Land! Look how big he’s grown!”

Twilight: “Yeah! Big and stupid!”

Woman: *chuckles* “You get funnier every time I see you.”

Twilight: “And you get more annoying!”

Kid: “Spell it!” *laughs*

Twilight: “Dammit, kid! How about you spell ‘lightsaber to the brain’!”

Opal: “Twilight, be nice!”

Kid: “Can you say the alphabet backwards yet?”

Twilight: “No! And stop mocking me!”

Woman: “Can we wrap this up? I have other exhibits to do.”

(she turns and waves to a young man who wears a name tag reading ‘exhibits’.)

Kid: “Is *this* one my daddy, mommy?”

Woman: *sigh* “I sure hope so, honey, ’cause mommy’s not getting any younger.”

Kid: “See you later, Mr. Stick Man!”

Twilight: “I hope not!”

(the mother, the kid and ‘exhibits’ leave. Opal turns to twilight with a smile)

Opal: “Well that was fun! Now spell ‘paint’, Twilight!”

Twilight: “Opal…I never thought I’d say this, but I’m ready to run through my own lightsaber.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, back to sephiroth’s group, they’re wandering the old furniture. Dracula still has toilet paper draped all around himself. sephiroth is dragging behind, mumbling unhappily to himself)

Sephiroth: *mumbles* “Stupid Alucard with that stupid new boyfriend…thinks he’s so cool…I could do way better…I’m just surrounded by idiots…everyone good is taken…he’s just a stupid slut…yeah, the stupid slut…what a slut.”

Tseng: “Are you talking about me?”

Sephiroth: “No!”

Tseng: “Then who’s the slut you keep mumbling about?”

Sephiroth: “Geez, Tseng! You’re not the only slut in the world! There are plenty of other sluts–“

Lark: “If you say me, I’ll kill you.”

Sephiroth: “–Like Alucard!”

(alucard turns and glares at him)

Dracula: *chuckles* “My son’s a hooker!”

Alucard: “Dad, I’m not a hooker.”

Dracula: “I could be your pimp, Alucard!”

Alucard: “Dad, I’m not a hooker!”

Tseng: “Sephiroth, leave Alucard alone.”

Sephiroth: “Well, he is 600 years old. I would hope he’s slept with more people than you, therefore, making him the bigger slut!”

Alucard: “For your information I’ve only slept with 35 people in my entire life.”

Everyone: “………”

Sephiroth: “Really?”

Dante: “Really?”

Lark: “…Really?”

Tseng: “*Really*!?”

Dracula: “Really?!”

Lloyd: “……Really?”

Alucard: “Yes! Really!”

Dante: “Wow. I’ve slept with way more people than you.”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “There’s a shock.”

Tseng: *mutters* “I make you look like a virgin…”

Lloyd: “Even I’ve slept with more people than that!”

Dante: “He said 35, Lloyd. Not zero.”

Lloyd: “Shut up, Dante! And my name’s Vergil!”

Dracula: “We don’t have any more time to waste talking about how skanky you are, Alucard! We still need to save the mummies!” *fixes toilet paper* “How do I look?”

Alucard: *sigh* “Dad, haven’t you forgotten about that yet?”

Dracula: “I’ll never forget! Not as long as there’s a mummy that needs my help!” *pause* “Ooh! Tables!”  

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, hojo is packing up his molestation stand for the day…)

Hojo: *happy sigh* “Ah, what a day! Those children sure were curious about Ancient Egypt!”

Kuja: “Too bad they learned nothing about it.”

Hojo: “Yes. But the important thing is–“

Seymour: “The important thing is that Kuja learned that he’s not the master of fashion.”

Kuja: “Um, no. You learned that.”

Seymour: “No. You did.”

Kuja: “No, you did.”

Seymour: “You did.”

Kuja: “You did.”

Seymour: “YOU DID!”

Kuja: “YOU DID!”

Hojo: *sigh* “I’m never putting them together again. No matter what I stand to gain from their bickering.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

4:30 P.M.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, back in the closet, zell and franswa are looking a bit restless. They’re sitting there on some boxes)

Zell: “…He’s gotta be gone by now…right?”

Franswa: “That’s what we thought before but he kept finding us!”

Zell: “I’ve made such a mess! This is all my fault! And this isn’t the first time I’ve messed stuff up! Once on Squall’s birthday I sat in his cake by accident! And then I knocked over some candles and set some chairs on fire!”

Franswa: *chuckles*

Zell: “What’s so funny?”

Franswa: “I’m sorry. I just think your klutziness is kinda…cute.”

Zell: *blink blink* “You do?”

(they stare at each other. Then franswa leans towards zell. So zell leans in. and then they both lean in getting closer and closer until they’re about to kiss…)

???????: *loud knocking on the door* “Cloud?! Are you in there?!”

Franswa: “Omg! It’s my dad! …Dad?!”

Richter’s voice: “Franswa?!”

(franswa opens the door and richter and tifa are standing there looking rather exasperated)

Richter: “Franswa! What are you doing in the closet with this young man?!”

Franswa: “It’s a long story. Have you lost Cloud?”

Tifa: “Only about a million times! My feet are killing me!”

Zell: “No sweat, Tifa! We’ll help you find him!”

(zell and tifa go off. Franswa and richter lag behind)

Richter: “Uh, son, um…remember that talk I keep telling you we ought to have? Uh, well, maybe that’s something you better talk over with your Uncle Horatio.”

Franswa: *turns red* “Dad!! We were just hiding in there!”

Richter: “Of course! Yes!” *clears throat* “Of course you were. Yes.”

Franswa: “We *were*.”

Richter: “Right. Right, of course.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, irvine and reno are still totally drunk. Reno is there decked out in toilet paper)

Irvine: “Man…dude…you totally look like a mummy.”

Reno: “Really?”

Irvine: “Yeah, man. If I was sober…like…I’d still totally think you were a mummy.”

Reno: “Cool. Cool.”

Irvine: “Okay, so like, you stand over there behind that plant, and I’ll do everything and then you come out. Got it?”

Reno: “Yeah, man!”

(so reno stumbles over behind the plant. Irvine turns his back to him. While irvine is composing himself, reno just starts staring at something in the distance and wanders away)

Irvine: “Hey! Everybody! I just saw a mummy! I real live mummy, like, walking around! And stuff! He’s right over there!” *turns and looks in the direction of the plant where nothing happens* “…Right there!” *still nothing* “Dude, what the hell?!” *goes stomping over there to find reno gone* “Reno?! Reno?!” *gasp* “He’s gone!” *gasp* “Omg! I bet a *real* mummy got him!” *starts running down the hall* “RENO!!!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and zell, franswa and tifa have finally tracked down cloud, who is holding a giant yellow feather)

Cloud: *frowning* “Snuffy and big birdie go bye bye.”

Tifa: “Where did he get that feather?”

Richter: “Perhaps he stole it from the gift shop.”

Tifa: “Well at least we have him back now! Just in time for us to go home!”

Zell: “Yeah! We better go meet up with the others!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, quistis is leaving the museum and heading to the starbucks across the street…)

Quistis: “Now that the alarm system is deactivated, just gotta get a little caffeine for the big job tonight…”

(and inside she goes.)

 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

5:00 P.M.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(everyone is waiting at the designated meeting place except reno and irvine and tifa, cloud, richter, zell and franswa)

Lark: “Where are they? You think they’d be the first ones wanting to get out of here!”

Seifer: “We were first!”

Ashley: “If you say that *one* more time, Seifer…”

Shell: “I really didn’t think the gift shop had too much, Rude.”

Rude: *is holding a ton of bags* “You coulda fooled me, Shell.”

Twilight: “You know who I ran into? You that kid with the skanky mom who thinks he’s so great at spelling? That kid!”

Sephiroth: “Well, I sure know what it’s like to hang around a bunch of skanks…” *looks at alucard and dante*

Alucard: “Stop it.”

Dante: “If you’re so desperate, sleep with Lloyd. Just be gentle with him ’cause it’ll be his first time.”

Lloyd: “Cram it, Dante! And my name is f*#$%ing Vergil!”

Tseng: *sigh* “I can’t wait to get home to Reeve.”

Vincent: “You must be worried about him.”

Auron: “Worrying is bad for your health.”

Rufus: “Well, I learned a lot today!”

Algus: “That you did, Rufus! Now you need to just write everything down so you won’t forget when you open your own museum!”

Zidane: *rolls eyes* “Yeah. Anyway, hey Lark – where’s Zell and Franswa?”

Lark: “Oh, they went home already with Tifa and Richter. Couldn’t really have them hanging around with Dracula here.”

Dracula: “Alucard! Time is running out and we still haven’t saved the mummies yet!”

Alucard: “Dad, for the last time there are no mummies here.”

(then irvine comes running in frantically)

Irvine: “Mummies!! Mummies took Reno!”

Dracula: *gasp* “I knew it!”

Lark: “What?!”

Irvine: “Reno was dressed up like a mummy ’cause we had this funny plan to scare people and stuff, and when I turned around he was gone!”

Ashley: “Irvine…are you drunk?”

Irvine: “Uh, alcohol may or may not have been involved today…”

Sephiroth: “The idiot probably just wandered off!”

Irvine: “No! It was totally mummies! They probably thought he was one of their own!”

Sephiroth: “If that was true they would have taken Vincent.”

Vincent: *frowns*

Auron: “The cheap jokes aren’t funny.”

Sephiroth: “Not to you.”

Lark: “Well, whatever happened that still doesn’t stop the fact that we need to find Reno. Auron, Vincent, could you guys go to the front and get some help for us?”

Vincent: “Certainly.”

(they leave)

Lark: *looks at rude* “Shell…what did you buy?”

Shell: “Necessities.”

Lark: “In the museum gift shop?”

Shell: “Yes! You never know when you might need a gold ancient Egyptian cat statue!”

Lark: “…Right.”

(auron and vincent return, but they’re not alone. Tifa, richter, cloud, zell, franswa, and all the losers are with them)

Lark: “I thought you guys went home! What happened!?”

Tifa: “Cloud ran off! And by the time we found him again, the museum was closed!”

Ashley: “The museum’s closed?!”

Zell: “Yeah! And we can’t find anyone to let us out!”

Richter: “Ack! Vampires! Everybody duck!” *whips out cross*

Dracula: *chuckles* “Duck, duck, goose! I love that game!”

Franswa: “Dad! Stop it! We’re all in this together.”

Lark: “We’re locked in the museum?”

Hojo: “That’s the way it appears, yes.”

Lark: “What are you losers doing here?”

Hojo: “We came to see the exhibits, same as you.”

Sephiroth: “What’s that elaborate set-up you’re holding, creep!?”

Hojo: “Oh…this? Nothing…just part of an experiment…”

Nida: “Ewww! Don’t do that experiment anywhere near me!”

Hojo: “Quiet you.”

Lark: “Great! So we’re all locked in here! And with the losers to boot!”

Richter: “And vampires!”

Irvine: “And mummies!”

Sephiroth: “And Auron!”

Tseng: “Sephiroth…knock it off.”

Irvine: “Y’all, we still haven’t found Reno! What if the mummies ate him?!”

Dracula: “Yes! We must go save the mummies!”

Richter: “I’ll save you! Save you from yourself!” *whips out cross*

Tifa: “Richter, please!”

Zell: “Hey! Where’s Instructor Quistis?”

Lark: “Oh yeah… Quistis is missing too…” *pause* “Maybe she left without us. Anyway, we have to find Reno and then try and find a way out of here. Let’s go.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, outside, quistis comes over to one of the back doors of the museum with her latte…)

Quistis: “Okay, here we go.” *tries to open the door but it’s locked* “What the…?!” *frowns and tries again* “No… No…! I still have…” *checks watch* “Damn that old lady taking forever to order!” *annoyed sigh* “Now I’ve got to find a way to break in…”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, the gang inside the museum is searching for reno…)

Lark: “Reno?!”

Irvine: “REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Seifer: “I don’t believe this! After all I went through to try to be on time today we end up trapped in the museum!”

Ashley: “I’m gonna make sure you’re trapped inside forever if you don’t shut up.”

Dracula: “Alucard! I can’t find any mummies to save!”

Alucard: “That’s because there *are* no mummies to save, dad.”

(then suddenly the lights go out. Some very dim emergency lights come on. It’s like there’s a single candle in the room. It’s still very dark.)

Everybody: “Oh, great!”

Kuja: *annoyed sigh* “I’ll never know what my hair looks like now.”

Seymour: “I can assure you it looks horrible.”

Zidane: “It’s really dark in here.”

Algus: “Yes. It’s no more than candlelight.”

Lark: “It’s okay, everyone! I can see by candle light!”

(there’s the sound of someone crashing and falling to the ground.)

Sephiroth: “Lark…? Are you okay…?”

Lark: “…Ow…I’m good…but maybe we better stay here.”

Irvine: “But what about Reno!? The mummies could have dragged him to their secret underground lair by now!”

Ashley: “Irvine…you have *got* to sober up.”

Dracula: “That’s it, Alucard! The mummies are hiding in their secret underground lair!”

Alucard: “No they’re not, dad.”

Dracula: “You just don’t know about it, Alucard, ’cause it’s a secret.”

Lark: “I think it’s for the best if we all just stay here.”

Rufus: “And sleep in the museum?!”

Lark: “Do you have a better idea? There’s no cell phone service in here!”

Tseng: *sigh* “Reeve’ll be worried sick.”

Lark: “At this point we really don’t have a choice.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, outside, quistis is trying to climb up the side of the building…)

Quistis: *mutters* “Stupid security…locks all the doors and windows…I bet they forgot the ones on the second floor!!!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back inside, several hours later, everyone is either asleep or almost asleep. Well, except dracula)

Dracula: “Let’s have a sing-a-long!”

Richter: “Damned vampire! Be quiet or I’ll silence you forever!”

Alucard: “Dad, be quiet.”

Dracula: “This party is dead, Alucard!” *chuckles* “Get it! Dead! Dead like me!” *laughs*

Sephiroth: “Shut him up, Alucard, or I’ll be helping the Belmont’s for once!”

Alucard: “Dad, why won’t you try and be quiet? That way you can listen for mummies better.”

Dracula: “Great idea, Alucard!”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Yeah, great idea, Alucard. Help along the crazy guy’s delusions…”

Dante: “Shut up.”

Sephiroth: “You shut up.”

Auron: “Both of you shut up.”

Sephiroth: “You shut up, Auroran!”

Lark: “Everybody shut up!”

(and everybody does. Everyone closes their eyes, except dracula. Several minutes pass when suddenly, staggering footsteps are heard. Dracula perks right up, but doesn’t say anything. He keeps listening, and then in the dim lighting he can make out a figure staggering towards them, strands of some kind of bandage hanging off their body)

Dracula: “Hey! There’s a mummy! Hi, mummy! Come over here!”

Alucard: *eyes closed* “Dad, there’s no mummy.”

Dracula: “Sure there is, Alucard! Look!”

Alucard: “Dad, there’s no–” *opens eyes* “What the–“

????: “Argh…”

Rufus: “It’s a mummy!!!”

(everybody screams and tries to run away, but in the dark they just keep bumping into everybody else.)

Twilight: “Ow!!”

Dante: “My foot!!”

Kuja: “My hair!”

Nida: “My piloting ankle!”

(everyone finally makes their way behind one of the displays, and they’re all peering at the mummy who keeps getting closer and closer…)

Seifer: “He’s gonna eat us all!!”

Zell: “Get off me, Seifer!”

Rufus: “Turks! You’re my first line of defense!”

Tseng: “I can’t protect you if I can’t see you, Rufus.”

Rufus: “Fine! Then you’re fired!”

Richter: “More unholy demons! Damn! Why did I leave my holy water at home?!”

(and they all keep watching as the mummy comes closer, and closer and finally just stops.)

????: “…Dude…what the hell? I totally passed out and when I woke up, all the lights were off!”

Irvine: “…Reno?”

Reno: “Irvine?” *pulling at the ‘bandages’ on him* “Why am I covered in toilet paper?”

Sephiroth: “Just as I thought! It’s just Reno!”

Auron: “Just as you thought? You were cowering with everyone else!”

Sephiroth: “I was just playing along.”

Irvine: “Dude! I thought the mummies got you!”

Reno: “What mummies?”

Lark: “All right, everyone. Let’s just go to bed, and we’ll get out of here in the morning.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, outside, quistis is banging her head against one of the windows)

Quitsis: “All. That. Hard. Work. For. Nothing!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, the next morning at the museum, the doors finally open up for the day and the morning crew looks quite surprised to see a bleary eyed ramble gang stumbling out)

Franswa: “I never thought I’d be so glad to see light!”

Richter: “You know who’s *not* glad to see light? Vampires.”

Tifa: “Richter, stop it.”

Rufus: *to a worker* “Your floors are *not* comfortable to sleep on. I think I hurt my back. You’ll be hearing from my lawyers.”

Algus: “Zidane, you make a good pillow in a desperate situation.”

Zidane: *mutters* “And you’d make a good punching bag…”

Tseng: “I can’t wait to get home. I’m sure Reeve’s been wondering where we’ve gone!”

Lark: “Yeah! Let’s get out of here!”

(they turn towards the parking lot and bump into quistis)

Quistis: “It’s finally open! It’s–” *blink blink* “Oh. Hi.”

Zell: “Hey, Instructor! Did you come back to find us?”

Quistis: “Uh…yeah. That’s what I did…”

Zell: “Now we can all go home together!”

Quistis: *looks like she’s gonna cry* “Yeah…”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, elena is in the tv room with lily, and they’re watching a show on tv…right now it’s a commercial)

TV Voiceover: “Think you can get the same quality from other aeons for hire?”

(picture of yojimbo from ff10 is shown)

TV Voiceover: “Think again.”

(a big x appears over yojimbo)

TV Voiceover: “You’ll pay slightly less for Yojimbo, but his attacks are unpredictable at best.”

Guy with arm in a sling: “I paid Yojimbo thousands of gil, and he said he would slay all the fiends in one hit! Instead he barely wounded them, and they attacked me! Then he wanted more money!”

TV Voiceover: “So you think you can save a few gil and hire another aeon, you might wanna think twice. With Bahamut, you get what you pay for. Bahamut has customized attack plans available, and he works with you to find a plan that works for you – and your budget.”

Guy with arm in a sling: “Next time, I’m calling Bahamut.”

TV Voiceover: “Bahamut. Kills sh*t dead.”

TV Voice: “And now back to Bloopsy the Thunder Flan!”

(a cute little flan is shown. Another creature is stuck in some water)

Creature: “Help me, Bloopsy!”

Bloospy: *gurgle*

Creature: “No! No! Now I know why you wanted to go swimming!”

Bloosy: *gurgle*

Creature: “No!!! Not thundara!”

(bloopsy casts tundara on the creature)

Creature: *twitching* “Okay! Okay!! Next time I’ll let you have the swing!”

Elena: *frowns* “This show is violent.”

(then reeve comes in with a coffee cup.)

Reeve: “Oh. Hi, Elena.”

Elena: “Hi, Reeve! How are you feeling?”

Reeve: “A lot better actually.” *sits on couch and puts cup on table* “…Have you seen Tseng?”

Elena: “No. Why?”

Reeve: *hangs head* “He…never came back last night.”

Elena: “He didn’t?”

Reeve: “…He’s been going out a lot lately. He says he’s going to Uncle Shenanigans, but–“

Elena: “You know what, Reeve? Come to think of it… I haven’t seen anyone who went to the museum yesterday.”

Reeve: *blink blink* “You haven’t?”

Elena: “No!”

(and then they hear a lot of voices, and everyone who was at the museum files past looking surly. Tseng comes in)

Reeve: “Tseng! There you are! Did you have a good time?”

Tseng: “……………………………………………………………………Yes.”

Reeve: “Good! Well why didn’t you call?”

Tseng: “…We got trapped in the museum overnight.”

Reeve: “You did?!”

Tseng: “Yeah.”

Reeve: “How cool!”

Tseng: *small smile* “I thought you’d say that. So how are you feeling?”

Reeve: “Oh, I’m fine. I guess I just had a 24-hour virus.”

Tseng: “Good.” *sigh* “Okay, well I’m gonna go lay down.”

Reeve: “I’ll be there in a minute. Let me just grab my coffee.”

Tseng: “Okay.”

(tseng leaves. Reeve goes back and gets his coffee cup)

Elena: “So…what were you saying about Tseng before?”

Reeve: “Oh.” *pause* “…Nothing.”

 

 

THE END

 

 

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