#151 – How Rufus Stole Christmas

Cid: “@#$@%#$^@#^@$&#$*^#^@#%@!”

Originally Published: 12/24/05 . 30 pages

Everyone’s headed to Algus’ country home for Christmas. They’re all excited about the presents, but when Rufus finds out he’s getting nothing, he decides to steal Christmas!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

This is my favorite Christmas ramble. I’m a huge fan of the Grinch, so parodying it was a no brainer, even though it’s been parodied a lot. I had to sit there for awhile to come up with all the Christmas carols that would affect Dracula.

(we begin in the myterry machanie, where rude is driving and there is a whole bunch of people crammed inside with their luggage. you may ask who is included here, and I will tell you. lark, Brady, sephiroth, vincent, auron, alucard, dracula, twilight, opal, zell, franswa, rufus, algus, zidane, tseng, reeve, reno, rude, elena, lily, shell, Ashley, seifer, squall, rinoa, laguna, kiros, ward, irvine, barret, cid, red, locke, shadow, edgar and setzer. yeah, that’s one packed van/bus/whatever the hell it is.)

Rufus: “It was really nice of you to invite us all to your country house for Christmas, Algus!”

Algus: “The least I could do was show my friends a good time. And take some of these peasants out of the cold.”

Zidane: “You didn’t take me in from out of the cold! And that squirrel stole my mittens!”

Algus: “That’s because it’s smarter than you.”

Shell: “Rude! I ran out of room for writing my Christmas list!”

Rude: “You bought a three subject notebook, Shell.”

Shell: “I know! I can’t believe that was the biggest they had!”

Sephiroth: “All I want for Christmas is some peace and quiet!”

Alucard: “Really?”

Sephiroth: “No. I want gifts. Plus I don’t think you could ever deliver peace and quiet with the not-so-human disaster creator hovering around you day and night!”

Dracula: “My ears are ringing!”

Sephiroth: “Wow. He actually knew I was talking about him.”

Dracula: “What? No, my ears are really ringing, Alucard! I think there’s bells in my brain again!”

Lark: “This is going to be a really nice Christmas. According to Algus his estate is huge!”

Brady: “You talking about the mansion or the land it’s on?”

Lark: “The mansion! To hell if I’m hiking around the land in this snow!”

Elena: “I’m just excited for Lily’s first Christmas! I bought her tons of presents!”

Tseng: “So did I!”

Reeve: “And I brought the video camera!”

Laguna: “Isn’t that cute! I remember your first Christmas, son!”

Squall: “No you don’t, you stupid liar. You dumped me in an orphanage!”

Laguna: *frowns*

Kiros: “Ward says he got you good!”

Ward: *also frowns*

Rinoa: “Squall! Be nice to your dad!”

Seifer: “No one’s being nice to me! Not one person said Happy Hanukah to me yet!”

Ashley: “Hanukah is after Christmas this year.”

Seifer: *blink blink* “It is?”

Ashley: “Yeah. Way to know your own holiday, Seifer.”

Franswa: “Thanks for inviting me to spend Christmas with you guys, Zell!”

Zell: “No problem, man! So are we gonna bake some gingerbread men?”

Franswa: “Uh, sure!”

Zell: “Awesome!”

Twilight: “Opal, I wrote out my Christmas list for you!”

(he hands her a list with a bunch of writing on it that makes no sense whatsoever)

Opal: *sweat drops* “Um…thanks, Twilight…”

Locke: “Did you buy me a gift for Christmas, Shadow?”

Shadow: “No. I went to the store, but…*they* were there.”

Locke: “Yeah right! You’re just cheap!”

Edgar: “Now now! I’m sure Shadow will manage to get something for you by Christmas!”

Setzer: “Yeah…there are plenty of shopping days left…thankfully.”

Edgar: “…You didn’t get me anything, did you?”

Setzer: “The important thing is that I will.”

Vincent: *sigh* “I bought Sephiroth a present, but I don’t suppose he’ll take it.”

Auron: “I’ll take it…or anything else you’d like to give me.”

Barret: “Yo! Snowman! Me n’ Cid gonna enter one a’ them dogsled races!”

Cid: “@#$@%#$^@#^@$&#$*^#^@#%@!”

Red: “No. I refuse to pull your fat asses in a sled.”

Barret: “Yo! Who you callin’ fat, blubberball?”

Red: “Well I’ve grown tired of calling you stupid.”

(then rufus stands up. he’s holding a bunch of pieces of paper in his hand)

Rufus: “I figure since you’re all here now, this is a good time to do this!”

(and everyone looks confused as they’re each handed a slip of paper. rufus has written something different on each of them. everyone reads theirs)

Sephiroth: “What the hell is this, Shinra?”

Irvine: “Why does mine say jeweled rocket ship seat cover, page 92?”

Rufus: “That’s what page it’s on in Rich and Pompous Weekly. For reference.”

Reeve: “Reference?! Reference for what!?”

Rufus: “For my Christmas gift! I’ve all assigned you something. Doesn’t that make everything easier?”

Barret: “Yo! Not all a’ us be stuck up rich snobs, ya dumbass Shinra!”

Red: “For once I agree with Barret! This is ridiculous!”

Setzer: “Rufus, not everyone can afford stuff from that magazine.”

Rufus: “I know that! I made sure they were appropriate based on what I knew everyone could afford!”

Rude: “Why does mine say a diamond and platinum watch and then have a long number under it?”

Rufus: “Oh, that’s the model number. There are two diamond and platinum watches, and I don’t want you to buy me the wrong one!”

Rude: “There are so many ways to hate you.”

Lark: “Rufus! I don’t think this is a good idea…”

Rufus: “Hey! It’s only fair! It’s not like I’m not getting gifts for everyone!”

Locke: “It better be the best gift ever.”

Twilight: “I can’t even read what this says!”

Opal: “It says mother of pearl saddle.”

Tseng: “Saddle? But you don’t even have a horse!”

Rufus: “No. But in case I want one I already have the saddle.”

Algus: “We’re nearly there now!”

Lark: “Cool! Who wants to help me put up the tree and decorate the house for Christmas?”

Algus: “I know my slave will be more than willing to help.”

Zidane: “For once, yes.”

Zell: “And whoever wants can help Franswa and I bake!”

Franswa: “I’ve got a great idea for a gingerbread house.”

Dracula: “And I’m going to sing Christmas carols all day and night!” *sings* “Hark the herald angels si~ing! Glory to the newborn king! Peace on earth and mercy mild! G~awd~OW!!!THE~SEETHING~PAIN!!! and sinners reconcile!”

Sephiroth: “What the hell!?”

Alucard: “He can’t make references to anything involving god without feeling horrible pain.”

Sephiroth: “Well this is gonna be a long Christmas.”


(shortly thereafter, the gang arrives at the mansion, which is huge. as in you could easily get lost in it huge. everyone walks inside with their luggage looking around. everyone who’s not insanely rich looks very impressed. algus looks on pompously)

Algus: “I could have afforded bigger, but I was trying to be modest.”

Zidane: *rolls eyes* “Yeah. Okay.”

Lark: “This is awesome, Algus! Can I have a tour?”

Algus: “Why certainly, Miss Lark! I’d be delighted! Anyone else who’s interested, please follow me!”

(almost everyone follows algus down the hallway except for rufus, sephiroth, alucard, dracula, and twilight.)

Rufus: “I’ve seen it already.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t care.”

Rufus: “Anyway, it’s going to take me awhile to set up the present I bought for everyone!”

Sephiroth: “We all have to *share* the present?”

Rufus: “Yes! But it’s worth it!”

(he goes off happily with his suitcase. sephiroth sighs)

Dracula: “I feel a song coming on!”

Sephiroth: “Oh god no.”

Dracula: *sings* “Away in the manger no crib for a bed. The little L~ord~orowwwwwww!!! Jesus~eeeeeeeeee~ohgoshitburns!!!!” *falls to the floor in pain*

Twilight: “I’m starting to regret not going on the tour.”

Sephiroth: “Me too. Let’s get out of here.”

Alucard: “You’re leaving me here?”

Sephiroth: “You can come.”

Alucard: “What about dad?”

Dracula: *still on the floor* “Alucard! Singing hurts!!”

Sephiroth: “Just leave him!”

Alucard: “I can’t! He’ll probably get lost!”

Sephiroth: “Oh, he’ll definitely get lost. But that’ll happen with or without you.”

(sephiroth and twilight start to walk off. alucard frowns, but then he sighs and starts to follow them. dracula is still on the floor)

Dracula: “Alucard, do you think that wreath is giving me the finger? …Alucard? Alucard!?!?”


(so sephiroth, twilight and alucard end up joining the tour, which ends in the dining room. It is a huge long room like you’d expect to see in a palace. and everything is really shiny)

Algus: “…And finally, this is my formal dining room. Everything in the room is made of platinum and sapphires.”

Zidane: “And yet I sleep in a bed made for a dog!”

Algus: *laughs* “You wish you had it that good!”

(then rufus comes in)

Rufus: “Oh! Hi, everyone! I left your present in the parlor!”

Tseng: “What room was that again…?”

Edgar: “I believe it was the room with the gold plated walls.”

Zidane: “Damn you, Algus!”

(so they all head towards the parlor…)

Reno: “Maybe it’s a new TV! With a remote that delivers beer!”

Irvine: “That would rock!”

Barret: “Yo! Maybe it be a rockin’ new stereo wit’ huge ass speakers!”

Red: “I would like anything that would take me far, far away from him.”

Shell: “Maybe it’s a shopping spree!”

Rude: “Maybe it’s cash.”

Seifer: “Maybe it’s a jet that’ll take us wherever we wanna go!”

Zell: “Maybe it’s an elephant!”

Seifer: “What is *wrong* with you, chicken wuss?!”

Zell: “What?! I think an elephant would be cool!”

Laguna: “Hey hey! Maybe it’s our own personal amusement park! We could ride the tea cups together, son!”

Squall: “…Whatever. Shut up.”

Ashley: “Maybe it’s beachfront property!”

Reeve: “Uh, we’re still all talking about Rufus’ present…right?”

(and they go into the parlor all excited to find…a small fruit basket sitting on the table. everyone looks around excitedly)

Twilight: “Well?! Where the hell is it?!”

Locke: “Yeah! Show it to us!”

Rinoa: “I can’t wait to see it!”

Shadow: “They’re still after me!”

Cid: “@#$@%@#^%#$&#T@#%!”

Rufus: “What are you waiting for? It’s right there in front of you!”

(and one by one everyone’s eyes go to the fruit basket. and one by one their jaws all drop.)

Cid: “#$!@#$!%@^#$&#%&$^*&$&@%#$%#$&#&#$%^@#$%@#^@&*#&@$^@#$%$&$*#%!!”

Brady: “Um…yeah. I think Cid speaks for all of us.”

Tseng: “Rufus, that is a small fruit basket.”

Zidane: “There are four apples in it!”

Setzer: “And two are rotten!”

Vincent: “And another one appears to have a bite taken out of it.”

Rufus: “Yeah…sorry about that. Mr. Jingles got hungry.”

Everyone: *stares at him in complete and utter shock*

Reno: “*This* is your awesome present?! This is a piece of crap!”

Rufus: “Hey! It’s the thought that counts!”

Reeve: “The thought?! Rufus! How old is that fruit?!”

Rufus: “I don’t know! Some client sent it to me a few months ago.”

Everyone: “Ewwww!!”

Algus: “Rufus! You know I am all for saving pennies whenever possible! But this is outrageous! And at Christmas!”

Twilight: “Yeah! And he expects everyone to buy him expensive gifts!”

Barret: “Ain’t no way I’m shellin’ outta dime for his cheap ass!”

Sephiroth: “Big shock! A new low for Rufus!”

Rufus: “Now wait a minute!”

Seifer: “Have fun opening up your invisible gifts, ya jerk!”

Rufus: “Hey!!”

(but no one listens to him, and, looking really angry, everyone files out of the room, leaving an angry looking rufus alone. once everyone else is gone, dracula stumbles into the room looking confused)

Dracula: “Ah ha! I thought I heard voices! Excuse me, young hobbit, can you point me in the direction of the wind in the willows?”

(rufus just glares at him and stomps out in a huff)

Dracula: “Well! No elderberries for you then!”


(some time later, lark, Brady, sephiroth, alucard, twilight, opal, reeve, tseng and zidane are in the living room setting up the christmas tree)

Lark: *hanging ornaments* “Twilight…can you hand me the box that says ‘bells’?”

Twilight: “Out of all the people in this room you give *me* the job that involves reading!?”

Opal: *points to a box* “It’s that one, Twilight.”

Twilight: *grabs box* “I knew that!”

Alucard: “The tree does look quite nice.”

Lark: “Thanks!”

Brady: “Sweetie, I’m done putting the train up.”

Sephiroth: *pouting* “I wanted to put the train up.”

Lark: “Sephy, your job is to put the star on top of the tree.”

Sephiroth: *putting the star on the tree* “That’s only because I’m the tallest! I can’t believe I’m being type casted for Christmas tree decorating jobs!”

Lark: “Hey! I’m not type casting! I’m making Twilight do the reading!”

Twilight: “The great Twilight is perfect for any job!”

Opal: “Well you *have* needed my help, Twilight.”

Twilight: “Yeah, but now I know Christmas starts with a ‘C’!”

Sephiroth: “You have so been type casting! You made Reeve and Tseng put up the mistletoe!”

(everyone looks to where reeve and tseng are making out under the mistletoe they’ve put under the doorway.)

Sephiroth: “Ahem!”

(they quickly break apart)

Reeve: “Uh…well that’s done.”

Sephiroth: “Lark asked you to put it up. Not to test it.”

Zidane: “Ah, mistletoe at Christmas. Nothing gets more awkward. Hey, Sephiroth you wanna step into the doorway with me?”

Sephiroth: “No.”

Zidane: “Alucard?”

Alucard: “No thank you.”

Zidane: “Brady?”

Brady: “That was Hojo.”

Zidane: “Oh right. I keep forgetting that.” *shudders* “Now I feel dirty.”

Lark: “Well the tree is all done!”

Reeve: “It looks nice, Lark.”

Alucard: “It’s quite festive.”

Sephiroth: “I’m bored.”

Tseng: *mutters* “I think *someone* needs some serious time under the mistletoe…”

Sephiroth: “I heard that, Tseng!”

Lark: “Time to let everyone know they can put the gifts under the tree!”

Twilight: “My pile better be the biggest!”

Opal: “Giving is as fun as getting, Twilight!”

(everyone leaves the room except sephiroth and alucard. alucard goes to stand under the mistletoe)

Sephiroth: “Finally!”

(he runs over to alucard and is just about to kiss him when)

Dracula: *sings* “Go~awwwwdOWWW! Rest ye merry gentlemen let nothing you dismay! Remember Chriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiistohthepainishurty!!!” *grabs alucard by the shoulder* “Alucard! Make the men stop beating me!”

(he starts crying hysterically into’s alucard’s shoulder. alucard stares at sephiroth sympathetically. sephiroth does not look amused.)

Sephiroth: “…Yeah. Merry Christmas to you too.”




(meanwhile, in the kitchen, zell, franswa, seifer, Ashley, rinoa and squall are all baking)

Seifer: “Look! I’m making Hanukah gingerbread men!”

Ashley: “That’s a clump of dough.”

Seifer: *frowns* “…No.”

Ashley: “And besides, gingerbread men are non-denominational! They’re cookies!”

Squall: “I made a gingerbread dog.”

Rinoa: “Aw! It’s so cute, Squall!”

Ashley: “That gingerbread house is looking great, you guys!”

Zell: “Thanks! It’s all Franswa’s talent!”

Franswa: *blushes* “Thanks, Zell.”

(reno and irvine come bursting in)

Reno: “Hey guys!” *frowns* “Hey! You’re baking! Why didn’t you tell me you’re baking?!”

Squall: “Because we’ve all seen your cancelled cooking show.”

Irvine: “Ugh. Sometimes I can still taste that nasty crap.”

Reno: “Fine, fine. Is there any beer in here?”

Franswa: “No, I don’t think so.”

Irvine: “Well dammit! Guess we’ll have to hit the store.”

Reno: “Oh, and Lark says the tree is up, so everyone can put their presents underneath it!”

Rinoa: “Ooh! Great! I hope everyone likes the wrapping paper I bought this year!”

Ashley: “I hope you didn’t get everybody crack pipes again, crackwhore.”

Rinoa: “Well I didn’t get *you* anything!”

Ashley: “Good. Because I don’t smoke crack!”

(rinoa and Ashley leave, still bickering. irvine, reno, seifer and squall follow behind. zell and franswa remain behind, finishing off the gingerbread house.)

Zell: “You’re right, Franswa! The gumdrop chimney looks great!”

Franswa: “Yup. The frosting is just as sticky as I hoped!”

Zell: “We’ll have to tell Lark to take a picture of it!”

Franswa: “Yeah, that would be nice. That way I can show my dad.”

Zell: “You know, I’m surprised he let you come be with us for Christmas.”

Franswa: *finishing the gumdrop chimney* “Well dad’s been really preoccupied with Tifa and the new baby. And I’ve never really been his priority anyway.”

Zell: “Maybe your dad knows you’re grown-up now and can make your own decisions!”

Franswa: *thoughtfully* “Maybe…”

(he drops the bag of gumdrops which knocks a spoon to the floor with a clatter.)

Both: “I’ll get it!”

(they both squat down and reach for the spoon at the same time. zell gets there first, and franswa ends up grabbing zell’s hand instead. zell looks at franswa. franswa looks at zell. their eyes lock, and they both slowly start to lean towards another…before banging their foreheads together.)

Franswa: “Ow!” *grabs forehead*

Zell: “Ouch!” *grabs forehead* “Crap! I’m so dumb!”

Franswa: “Huh?”

Zell: “Nothing… Hey! Let’s finish the gingerbread house!”


(meanwhile, in loser land, scarlet is decorating their tree with ornaments stinky is making out of paperclips. Heidegger is trying to make christmas cookies, but he’s eating all the batter. Kuja is arranging the many presents hojo has bought him while hojo is looking at his credit card bill. Seymour is hanging up his stocking. Nida is hanging up a big banner that says ‘happy Hanukah nida’ on it and kefka is nowhere to be found…)

Scarlet: “You realize Hanukah isn’t till after Christmas, right?”

Nida: “No! This is pre-Hanukah, because no one celebrated with me last year and this year I’m going to make sure everyone celebrates with me!”

Seymour: “No one’s going to celebrate with you this time either.”

Nida: “Why? It’s fun! Let’s sing the dreidel song!”

Scarlet: “You sing one note, loser, and I’ll shove one of these ornaments down your throat.”

Seymour: “Why are you using those things, anyway? Can’t you get some real ornaments?”

Scarlet: “I…don’t want to get them. They’re in the attic. And we all know who spends 90% of his time there.”

Everyone but Heidegger: *shudder*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! For once they’re not shuddering about me!” *shoves batter in his mouth*

Scarlet: “Stop eating the batter, you idiot! You’re supposed to be actually making the cookies!”

Kuja: “What’s the difference? He already ate all the sprinkles.”

Heidegger: “I decorated the inside of my stomach! Gya haa haa!”

Hojo: “I’m going to have to sell more of those monsters to pay for all this.”

Nida: “Which monsters?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Licky licky!”

Hojo: “It doesn’t lick – and NO, not licky licky!”

(suddenly kefka appears out of nowhere dressed as santa claus)

Kefka: “Hehehehehehehe! Merry Christmas!”

Nida: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! DEMON SANTA!!!!!!!!”

(everyone ducks for cover)

Kefka: “Here’s your present!!!! And to all a good night! Hehehehehehehe!”

(they all hear something drop on the ground. Kefka disappears, but nobody moves)

Seymour: “…Something licked me.”

Hojo: *off handed sigh* “It doesn’t lick.” *then he thinks about it for a minute* “…Hey – How did he get out?!?!?”



(meanwhile, back in the living room, everyone is in there piling gifts under the tree. the room is filled with presents. that’s when rufus strolls in, acting like nothing happened. everyone just ignores him. he goes and starts looking at the names written on the presents…)

Rufus: “Hey! Why is there nothing for me!?”

(the room goes silent. everyone stares at him)

Tseng: “I hope you’re kidding.”

Edgar: “No offense, my friend, but…you didn’t buy anyone a present.”

Rufus: “Yes I did! You saw the fruit basket!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah…that’s called scraps.”

Barret: “Yo! No one bought nothin’ for yo’ ass!”

Rufus: “What?! No way! Someone did!”

Everyone: “…….”

Rufus: “Well screw you all! I don’t need your presents!”

(and with that he stomps angrily out of the room, seething with anger. he goes into the foyer and stomps around, fuming.)

Rufus: “Fine! They don’t want to get me anything for Christmas! Then I’ll make sure they don’t get anything for Christmas!” *lightbulb* “Yes…that’s it! If I can’t enjoy Christmas, then no one can! I will steal Christmas!” *maniacal laughter*


(so, very, very late that night rufus sneaks out of his room with a giant sack, looking very…grinch like if you will. and since this whole thing is just a parody of the grinch, i even wrote the song to fit in with rufus. it’ll be the soundtrack of his evil doing. and so, sack in hand, rufus heads down the stairs towards the living room while everyone is asleep…)

You’re a mean one, Rufus J.

You really are a snake

You’re as slimy as a cobra

You don’t give, you only take

Rufus J.

You’re a bad person

Who’s exceedingly fake

(he goes into the living room and picks up all the presents, shoving them in his sack. there are a lot of presents there so his sack is absolutely overflowing with gifts. then he sneaks back up the stairs with the overflowing sack, hiding it in his room.)

You’re a jerkface, Rufus J.

Your heart’s as cold as ice

Your pocket’s full of dollars

But some things don’t have a price

Rufus J.

I wouldn’t do business with you

Because you are simply not nice.

(sneaking back down the stairs, rufus now takes down all the stockings, which are also stuffed with gifts. he shoves those in another giant sack. and takes it up to his room.)

You’re a sly one, Rufus J.

Your smile is full of greed

If someone couldn’t pay the rent

You’d snatch away the deed

Rufus J.

Given the choice between a penny and helping a starving orphan

You’d take the coin in a heartbeat

(he sneaks back down to the living room again. this time he takes the train and the little town that lark set up under the tree. he disconnects it all and shoves it in yet another sack. then he takes down the mistletoe and shoves that in there. then it’s back up the stairs with him.)

You’re a foul one, Rufus J.

You’re a nasty, mean old snitch

When will you learn there’s more to life

Than simply being rich

Rufus J.

The three words that best describe you

are, and I quote: Cruel. Cold. Bitch.

(next rufus hits the kitchen where all the baked goods have been covered in plastic wrap, ready to be enjoyed the next day. he picks up all the trays of cookies and takes them upstairs.)

You are stingy, Rufus J.

You’re the king of sinful plots

You con others out of money

Then vacation on a yacht

Rufus J.

Your soul is an appalling display of evilness

And you’ll be driving the bus straight into the depths of hell

accompanied by no one

So you will be alone to rot

(rufus then returns for the gingerbread house that zell and franswa so carefully made. he takes that upstairs as well…)

You’re sinister, Rufus J.

You’ve got money everywhere

And yet you choose to steal stuff

Just to give it to your bear

Rufus J.

You’re a rotten, no good, lying swindler

Without even a care.

(and finally, rufus returns for the most important thing of all – the christmas tree. he grabs it and is about to head out the door with it when who does he bump into…?)

Dracula: *sings* “Silver bells! Silver bells! It’s Christmas time in the city!” *blink blink* “Hey! That one doesn’t hurt!” *sees rufus* “Hey! Are you Santa?”

Rufus: *startled* “Uh. Yeah, sure. Why not?”

Dracula: “Hey, Santa! Do you know the tooth fairy?! Where are you going with that tree?”

Rufus: “Uh…I’m taking it to see the tooth fairy.”

Dracula: “Can I come?”

Rufus: “No. It’s a secret meeting. Now go back to sleep.”

Dracula: “Okay Santa! Have fun then! Merry Sunday!” *sings* “O holyyyyyowthathurts! night! The stars are brightly shining! It is the night of our dear savior~owowowowowow!!!! The pain is back!!!”

(and that’s it for rufus. now that he has stolen all the christmas stuff from the house he goes back to his room to wait for morning.)


(the next morning, everyone is running down the stairs in their pajamas, all excited to open their gifts)

Irvine: “Yee haw! It’s Christmas morning!”

Franswa: “I’ll go get the cookies we baked!”

Zell: “I’ll help!”

Cid: “@#$@#$%$#%^$^&%#*#%@#%@&#*$@!”

Barret: “Yo! You said it, Cid!”

(so franswa and zell go to the kitchen while everyone else runs to the living room…where they promptly stop dead…because everything is gone.)

Everyone: “……………….”

Shell: “Um…where’s the tree?”

Twilight: “Forget the tree! Where are the gifts?!”

Lark: “I don’t understand! Everything was just here last night!”

Edgar: “Perhaps someone broke into the house!”

Algus: “Nonsense! I have an alarm system! If anyone broke into this house I would know at once!”

Brady: “The train and the town are gone too…”

Opal: “And the stockings!”

Tseng: “And the mistletoe!”

(zell and franswa run in)

Zell: “All the stuff we baked is gone!” *gasp* “What happened to the tree!?!?”

Elena: “Lily’s first Christmas is ruined!”

Lark: “I think it’s pretty clear here that someone in this house stole all the stuff!

Cid: “#$#@%#$#*^#@%@#$%@#^#$&#$*#*^%#@^!”

Ashley: “You always know just what to say, Cid.”

Zell: “But who would steal Christmas?!”

Everyone: *looks at seifer*

Seifer: “What?! Because I’m Jewish?! There were gifts for me there too this time! I saw them!”

Rinoa: “It’s true. He actually got gifts this year.”

Everyone: *looks at locke*

Locke: “Hey! I’m a Treasure Hunter! Not a life ruiner!” *points to shadow* “He’s the weirdo!”

Shadow: “Where are the damn presents!?”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Shadow: “Uh…I mean *they* must have taken them!”

Setzer: “This is silly! Why would someone take the presents?!”

Auron: “It is quite strange.”

Dracula: *sings* “Santa Claus is coming to town!!!”

Alucard: “Shut up, dad.”

Sephiroth: “It’s not strange! It’s obvious! Lark – who’s not here?”

Lark: *looks around quickly her eyes widening* “…Rufus.”

Sephiroth: “Exactly! And who had no presents under the tree?”

Lark: “…Rufus.”

Sephiroth: “Right again! And who is such a petty jerk that he would rather see no one get a present than not get one himself?”

Everyone: “Rufus.”

Reno: “I’ll kill him!”

Laguna: “Hey hey! Even I’ll help!”

Kiros: “For once I agree with Laguna!”

Squall: “Me too!”

Red: “I have to agree as well! This is unacceptable!”

Shell: “Choke him good, Rude!”

Rude: “I will, Shell.”

(everyone starts to angrily head for the door…)

Lark: “Wait! Hold on a minute, everyone!!” *everyone stops and looks back at her* “Don’t you see? This is what he wants!”

Sephiroth: “He wants to die? Good! We’re thinking the same way then!”

Lark: “No! He wants everyone to get all upset because everything is gone! He wants to ruin our Christmas – just like the Grinch did to the Who’s!”

Sephiroth: “This isn’t some after school special here! The pompous jerk took my gifts!”

Reeve: “I see what Lark is saying. Rufus *wants* us to get upset. If we don’t, he’ll see he didn’t ruin our Christmas. And he’ll be the loser.”

Sephiroth: “I still wanna kill him.”

Twilight: “Yeah!”

Lark: “Relax! Now everybody – let’s sing a Christmas carol at the top of our lungs!”

Dracula: *sings* “Deck the hall with boughs of holly!!! Fa la la la la la la la la!”

Lark: “Dracula’s got the right idea! Come on everyone!”

Everyone: *loudly sings* “Tis the season to be jolly! Fa la la la la la la la la! Don we now our gay apparel! Fa la la la la la la la la! Troll the ancient Yuletide carol! Fa la la la la la la la la!!!”

Rufus: *angrily bursting into the room* “I don’t believe this! I stole all the Christmas stuff in the house and you’re singing freaking carols?! What is *wrong* with you!?!?!”

Lark: “The spirit of Christmas isn’t about material things, Rufus. It’s about loving and being together!”

(everyone just stares at rufus, who looks embarrassed now.)

Rufus: *sigh* “Okay, you win. I was a jerk. Who wants to help me bring the stuff back down here?”

Reno: “Can I shove you up the stairs on the way?”

Rufus: “…Yeah, okay.”

Reno: “Merry Christmas to me!!”

(so rufus heads upstairs with reno, rude, irvine, tseng, Brady, zell, and squall.)

Edgar: “Well played, Lark.”

Lark: “Thanks.”

Reeve: “Hopefully Rufus learned his lesson…”


(a short while later…everything has been set up. everyone is exchanging presents and eating cookies and doing christmasy things. rufus is nowhere to be seen…)

Twilight: “Okay! Who’s the wise guy who got me this book for two year olds?!”

Opal: “It’ll help you learn to read, Twilight!”

Twilight: “I’m sick of books! Where are the cool presents?!”

Dracula: *holding a rattle* “I love my present! It makes noise!”

Elena: “Uh…that was for the baby.”

Tseng: “Just let it go, Elena. Lily has more than enough presents.”

Reeve: “Especially since she hasn’t done anything but sleep, eat and stare at the star on top of the tree.”

Reno: “I never noticed it before, but babies are kind of like stoned people.”

Tseng: “Reno!”

Shell: “I love all my gifts, Rude!”

Rude: “They’ll take another lifetime to pay off, Shell.”

Shell: “Here’s your present!” *hands him box*

Rude: *opens it* “…It’s shampoo.”

Shell: “You can wash my hair for me later.”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Laguna: “You like your present, son?”

Squall: *wearing a hat made for a five year old* “No.”

Rinoa: “You look so cute, Squall!”

Seifer: “Ha ha! Squall’s gay!”

Squall: “Nice aerobics video, Seifer.”

Seifer: *hugging video* “You’re just jealous ’cause I’m in shape!”

Ashley: “I’m glad you got me gift cards, Seifer. Because everything you pick out sucks.”

Seifer: “Aw, man! Do you have to say that in front of everybody?!”

Kiros: “Ward says his new sweater makes him look fat!”

Laguna: “Actually…I think your sweater makes you look fat, Kiros.”

Kiros: *frowns* “Hey… That was mean!”

Locke: “Thanks for the police scanner, Shadow.”

Shadow: “Trust me. You’ll need it.”

Locke: “You like your doggy photo album?”

Shadow: “I…suppose I could find some pictures for it.”

Locke: “Yeah, I would hope so. You have a million taped inside your closet.”

Shadow: “You’ve been snooping!”

Edgar: “Thanks for the new Jaguar, dear…er…seer…”

Setzer: “You’re welcome, Eddie! I like my new Lexus. It came with the bow and everything! Just like the commercial!”

Locke: “You’re both standing under the mistletoe.”

Both: *look up*

Edgar: *clears throat* “I better move… Don’t want to seem homosexual.”

Setzer: “Yup. Sounds like a plan!”

(they quickly scatter. meanwhile, zidane is rubbing algus’ feet)

Zidane: “I hope you like your present!”

Algus: “Foot rubs for a year? Yes, it’s not bad. I don’t know why I didn’t order you to do this a long time ago.”

Zidane: “Did you get me a present?”

Algus: “I washed your blanket.”

Zidane: “Finally! This is a great Christmas!”

Irvine: “Thanks for the new fake ID, Reno! It looks much better than my old one!”

Reno: “It’ll definitely get you through the security at the new clubs.”

Irvine: “You’re the best friend a cowboy could have!”

(they hug.)

Barret: “Yo! Thanks for the new rap CDs, Cid! I be jammin’ to dis later!”

Cid: “@#$@!#@#^@%^$@&%*#$^@%@%@#%&#^$%^#&*#%^@$!”

Red: *is wearing a scarf someone knitted* “I have fur, so the scarf is basically pointless.” *sigh* “Then again, it is the thought that counts.”

Zell: “Here’s your present, Franswa!” *hands him a big box*

Franswa: *opens it and gasps* “A professional mixer!?! Zell! This is a really expensive gift! Thank you so much!”

Zell: *blushing* “Aw, man, it was nothing.”

Franswa: “This is all I could get you…you know, with my lack of a job and all.”

(he hands zell an envelope which zell opens excitedly. there’s a piece of paper inside and zell’s face lights up as he reads it)

Zell: “My choice of baked good every week for a whole year! This is an awesome gift!”

(they hug. and hug. and hug.)

Seifer: “Geez! Do it under the mistletoe or break it up, chicken wuss!”

(they both break apart blushing. in the meantime, lark has just finishing opening her gift from Brady)

Lark: “Thanks for the DVDs, babe!”

Brady: “You’re welcome, sweetie.”

Lark: *sigh* “I just wish Rufus would join us… I think he’s being too hard on himself.”

Brady: “Well–“

Sephiroth: *shoves a gift in her hands* “Open mine next!”

(lark opens it and gasps. it’s a diamond necklace. Brady frowns)

Lark: “Wow! A diamond necklace! Thanks, Sephiroth!”

(she hugs him happily while sephiroth smugly looks at Brady)

Sephiroth: “Anything for you, Lark.”

Alucard: “I have your present, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “And I have yours.”

(they both exchange presents and open them. it’s both bottles of shimmery silver streaks shampoo, but neither looks thrilled)

Alucard: “Oh… Thanks…”

Sephiroth: “Yeah. Thanks.”

Lark: “Sephy, who’s that present for?”

(she points to a present sitting near sephiroth’s feet. he picks it up excitedly)

Sephiroth: “It’s for me!!”

(he opens it excitedly. it’s the action figure of himself from advent children)

Sephiroth: “It’s me! And look how sexy I look!! It’s just what I wanted!” *looks at lark* “Is this from you?”

Lark: “No…”

Sephiroth: *looks at alucard* “You?!”

Alucard: *frowns* “No.”

Vincent: “…It was from me.”

(everyone stares at vincent, including sephiroth, who looks shocked. auron sits next to vincent looking rather upset. the whole room is very quiet as sephiroth and vincent just stare at one another)

Sephiroth: “…Well thank you, Vincent. It’s…it’s just what I wanted.”

Vincent: “You are more than welcome.”

(and before anyone else can say or do anything, rufus bursts into the room holding a ton of envelopes. everyone turns to stare at him instead, and he looks a bit overwhelmed for a moment.)

Rufus: *clears throat nervously* “Uh, hey. Uh…I know I’m not the most popular guy right now, but you guys were right. With all that I have it was really wrong of me to demand expensive Christmas presents. And it was even more wrong to steal your Christmas. So…” *fans out envelopes* “Merry Christmas.”

(he starts handing out the envelopes and everyone starts opening them)

Seifer: “Hey! It’s a thousand bucks!”

Zell: “Thanks, Rufus!”

Rude: *grabs rufus and hugs him* “Thank you!”

Rufus: *looks strangled* “I’m glad you’re happy, Rude! Now release me!”

Algus: “That was most generous of you, Rufus.”

Edgar: “Yes! I’d say you made up for yourself quite well.”

Setzer: “But no one still got you anything.”

Rufus: “It’s okay! I can buy myself anything in the world…except friends.”

Reeve: “Now you’re learning, Rufus!”

Dracula: *sings* “That’s what friends are for! For good times! And bad times! I’ll be on your side forever more!”

Alucard: “Dad, stop it.”

Dracula: *sings* “I saw three ships come sailing in! On Christmas day, on Christmas day. I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas day in the morning!”

Alucard: “Dad…”

Dracula: “The Virgin Mary and Christ~owowowowohowowohowowowow! Someone lit a fire inside me!!”

Alucard: “I give up.”



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